The ’90s were unquestionably a golden age.

Merry Christmas to all you patriots and dumbfuck Ultra-MAGA assholes! Get off my website! Now for the rest of you, here’s the second installment of my multi-part series where I pick apart the United States Flag Code and mock it mercilessly, seven months after Part 1! If my goal was to squeak this in before the end of 2022, then I succeeded with flying colors!

Click here for Part 1.

§7. Position and manner of display

We’re going to hit the ground running with another super-meaty section! Strap on, this one is chock full of completely insane, obsessive-compulsive bullshit.

–The flag, when carried in a procession with another flag or flags, should be either on the marching right; that is, the flag’s own right, or, if there is a line of other flags, in front of the center of that line.
We’re cooking with gas already! In order to relentlessly hammer in the point with respect to the UNDENIABLE GOD-GIVEN SUPERIORITY of the country of the United States of America on this stupid planet (amen), the flag must always look the most important and the most superior! Ergo, get out your rulers and make sure the flag is located at the exact angles and positions of 4th-dimensional space compared to other nation’s flags! Or face up to 900 years in prison without parole.

–The flag should not be displayed on a float in a parade except from a staff, or as provided in subsection (i) of this section.
The staff, under no circumstances, will be made from peppermint candy nor hardened feces. And for the love of God, people, please do not use your erect penis either. We have been trying to crack down on this behavior with more ferocity lately, it’s becoming a big problem.

This nimrod’s shield doesn’t have the necessary 50 stars! Throw him in the brig!

–The flag should not be draped over the hood, top, sides, or back of a vehicle or of a railroad train or a boat. When the flag is displayed on a motorcar, the staff shall be fixed firmly to the chassis or clamped to the right fender.
This section says nothing about dragging the flag on the road behind you, as will likely happen if you must fix the flag firmly to the chassis or the fender. You may as well wrap it around the fucking undercarriage and tie the thing in a big, clunky knot.

–No other flag or pennant should be placed above or, if on the same level, to the right of the flag of the United States of America, except during church services conducted by naval chaplains at sea, when the church pennant may be flown above the flag during church services for the personnel of the Navy. No person shall display the flag of the United Nations or any other national or international flag equal, above, or in a position of superior prominence or honor to, or in place of, the flag of the United States at any place within the United States or any Territory or possession thereof: Provided, that nothing in this section shall make unlawful the continuance of the practice heretofore followed of displaying the flag of the United Nations in a position of superior prominence or honor, and other national flags in positions of equal prominence or honor, with that of the flag of the United States at the headquarters of the United Nations.
Did anyone read all this? Jesus Jumping-Jack Christ, that’s a lot of unnecessary verbiage! Let me paraphrase this one in two short sentences: Don’t fly the fucking flag lower than any other fucking flag. Don’t fly the fucking flag at the same level as any other fucking flag, either.

There, was that so hard?

–The flag of the United States of America, when it is displayed with another flag against a wall from crossed staffs, should be on the right, the flag’s own right, and its staff should be in front of the staff of the other flag.
It should be on the right, on your left, on the flag’s own right, on your left if the flag is on your own right (on your left) and only if the the left flag is on the the right (your left) and on its own left (your left) AND your right.

Now don’t fuck it up.

This couldn’t be less appropriate, kiddo. Into the brig with you!

–The flag of the United States of America should be at the center and at the highest point of the group when a number of flags of States or localities or pennants of societies are grouped and displayed from staffs.
Don’t ever forget that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts! Raise that flag higher than any state flag. In fact, make sure you never have any of the flags of the good states above any of the lesser, more disgraceful states. Keep the Mississippi flag on the bottom at all times, preferably buried in the dirt.

–When flags of States, cities, or localities, or pennants of societies are flown on the same halyard with the flag of the United States, the latter should always be at the peak. When the flags are flown from adjacent staffs, the flag of the United States should be hoisted first and lowered last. No such flag or pennant may be placed above the flag of the United States or to the United States flag’s right.
This is basically a repeat of the rule immediately above it, which means the government really needed to stress the importance of American flag elevation. This one sprinkles in some added flavor: the part about the stars and stripes being the first and the last to be taken care of. I suggest grabbing a friend and having a fun race! At the same time you can hoist the Vermont flag, your friend can hoist the American flag, and you can try to make them nervous by attempting to move faster than them! Inching your way ever closer above theirs. If even one millimeter of the Vermont flag accidentally rises higher, the CIA will snipe you and your buddy through the brainpan. Fun!

–When flags of two or more nations are displayed, they are to be flown from separate staffs of the same height. The flags should be of approximately equal size. International usage forbids the display of the flag of one nation above that of another nation in time of peace.
I’m starting to think that world harmony starts with eliminating so many of these insecure laws. Never mind the fact that there’s no such thing as “time of peace”. One nation above that of another nation? So any two nations? Since Ukraine and Russia are duking it out, does this mean you can legally fly the flag of Burkina Faso over the flag of Papua New Guinea? Because screw Papua New Guinea! Burkina Faso all the way.

–When the flag of the United States is displayed from a staff projecting horizontally or at an angle from the window sill, balcony, or front of a building, the union of the flag should be placed at the peak of the staff unless the flag is at half-staff. When the flag is suspended over a sidewalk from a rope extending from a house to a pole at the edge of the sidewalk, the flag should be hoisted out, union first, from the building.
What if I skewer a corner of the thing with a fishing hook and cast it over a powerline, allowing it to billow in 40 mph winds? Where should the union be placed then, smart guy?

“Betsy, my dear, the flag you just spent 45 days working on looks like utter shit. And keep those filthy little urchins away from it.”

–When displayed either horizontally or vertically against a wall, the union should be uppermost and to the flag’s own right, that is, to the observer’s left. When displayed in a window, the flag should be displayed in the same way, with the union or blue field to the left of the observer in the street.
I’m starting to get quite annoyed by all these fucking rules. When displayed diagonally cross-wise from the north-northwest vantage point, the union shall be widdershins from the location in your pants where your dick is dressed. Eat my shit, America.

–When the flag is displayed over the middle of the street, it should be suspended vertically with the union to the north in an east and west street or to the east in a north and south street.
What if I’m driving down Burnt Knob Street in Slab Falls, Missouri and I see a flag suspended horizontally? Do I alert the obese mayor? Who goes to jail for this blunder? Does someone get the electric chair, or is there some kind of ironic punishment. Like, their neck gets snapped and their head gets twisted around facing the wrong away in the casket? Because that would be reasonable and fair.

When the American flag adorns a hamburger, make sure that the meat is ground chuck on a bun WITHOUT sesame seeds. WITHOUT.

–When used on a speaker’s platform, the flag, if displayed flat, should be displayed above and behind the speaker. When displayed from a staff in a church or public auditorium, the flag of the United States of America should hold the position of superior prominence, in advance of the audience, and in the position of honor at the clergyman’s or speaker’s right as he faces the audience. Any other flag so displayed should be placed on the left of the clergyman or speaker or to the right of the audience.
Yeah yeah yeah, we get it. The American flag is the most important symbol in the universe. 125 billion galaxies, each containing 100 billion stars and, therefore, AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 100 billion planets. With 1.25×10²² planets, chances are good that many of them sustain intelligent life with their own nations and cultures and religious traditions. And the American flag is the most important, second to nothing. And I urge anyone reading this to lay one flat on the ground and take a huge, ugly dump all over it.

–The flag should form a distinctive feature of the ceremony of unveiling a statue or monument, but it should never be used as the covering for the statue or monument.
What does this even mean? Does this mean that, during the unveiling of a statue or monument, that the American flag should draw attention away from the unveiling? Like, “here’s the brand new monument, and here’s the American flag over here! Look over here, ladies and gentlemen! Ooooooh, aaaaaah!! Stop looking over there and look over here! REVEL IN ITS MAJESTY! Wow! Woooooww!!”

It seems that §7 was unreasonably long! I’m going to have to table this for now and spill it over into a Part 3. Stay tuned, I may or may not get around to it in six months!