Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “Live”! In the previous installment, Kraven starts taping his Spider-Man Cash Grab episode at the high school, Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker flirt a little right in front of MJ’s face, and Justin Hammer is going to face the ugly consequence of experimenting on one of his own scientists (the octopus man).

But what is Spider-Man doing? He’s whining and crying about being the face of evil in New York City even though he’s only trying to help. Goin’ up the water spout. Out came the rain and…you know the rest.

Kraven’s gonna hunt him a spider. I like the sound of that.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 [June, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Live”

And based on the cover art, Spider-Man’s gonna have to scurry his bony ass ALL the way up to the torch of the Statue of Liberty. There he will surely die of starvation and/or exposure while Kraven hops on the ground below over and over again, trying to reach him, like some mindless NES side-scroller enemy.

The shoot is in progress. Kraven sits cross-legged on a cushion in a pose of quiet meditation, surrounded by his crew. Incense burns in front of him. Velvety drapes adorn the room. Very cozy. Shhh, let’s watch…

“And here we are– the hunt is almost over,” announces the host of Kraven’s Super Sloppy Double Dare. They have received word of a Spider-Man sighting in New Jersey (eww), riding atop a limo down the turnpike toward one of Justin Hammer’s factories. It is known that Dr. Otto “the Bus Driver from Simpsons” Octavius is holding a press conference there as we speak, but the details of the press conference are not clear at this time. Thanks for watching! Please don’t forget to buy Sheba Cat Food, our sponsor for this evening, the brand that’ll stain your fucking carpet and-” *CUT*

What’s the problem, the host was just getting into a groove! Yeah, that’s the problem, he’s talking too much. The director tells him to just say “We found Spider-Man and we’re on our way to him” and pan to Guru Kraven over there and that’s a wrap. They start rolling again.

“As regular viewers know, Kraven’s prehunt meditation ritual is the single-most important part of the hunt,” and then they pan to Kraven who looks like he’s fondling his genitals below the camera. This is a super special prehunt meditation, though! Because there’s not gonna be a hunt. Kraven’s gonna go to Hammer’s factory and pound the kid into pulp in front of everyone instead.

“But what kind of battle awaits Kraven?” whispers the host putting on his most serious Tucker Carlson face, “This American Spider-Man is an unknown entity – a foe beyond anything he has ever faced before.”

CUT! Thanks for not talking about the cat food again! This segment was taped on Kraven’s tour bus, which is indeed on the turnpike. Just a matter of time now.

Let’s go, bitch. It’s Hammer Time!

At the front of Hammer Industries, Doc Ock really riles up the crowd. Nothing but the juiciest, most shocking confessions of evil and depravity from Mr. Hammer himself! Just an endless parade of horrific science fiction experiments, medical God-playing, and greedy amorality from Hammer Man! All we have to do is get him out of the car! Heh heh… *knock knock* hello? Uhm

“Come on, Hammer! All those yammering, self-serving press conferences you throw yourself–and now, finally, you have something to talk about, and you’re being shy?” Ock goads as he taps on the windshield glass with his slimy tentacle.

The limo driver is nervous as shit! “Sir, please, I can turn this boat around and get us out of here,” he pleads. Hammer hasn’t shown any real sign of backing off yet and he’s not gonna do it now in front of all these fine people! It’s emasculating! Here, look at my penis, he tells the driver. See?

Yeah, maybe, but his assistant tells him to step on the gas and the car peels off. Well, doesn’t that just irk the octopus a little too much at that particular moment. He crashes a couple tentacles through a couple of windows and lifts the car four feet above his head. Screams emanate from the car! Screams! This is some scary shit!

“YOU WILL NOT DENY ME AGAIN, HAMMER!” Ock bellows as he shakes the vehicle above him like a snowglobe. He huffs and puffs a little bit more before catching an eyeful of spidery webby goodness. One of the cameramen, already capturing the action, chuckles to himself, hungry for the footage that he’s about to get.

“Haven’t people in limos been persecuted enough?” Spider-Man calls out while swooping in with some choice acrobatics. He also calls Ock “Octopussy”, and then kicks him across the face. And then makes fun of his bowl cut again.

As Ock tries (unsuccessfully) to tear the web off his face, Spider-Man launches into a big speech about how he took his time laying low and playing lookout, watching the scene unfold so that he could distinguish who the real bad guy here actually was. “And the one time I remember to do all this and you’re acting all like Dennis Hopper in any of his early to mid-nineties movie roles.” Timeless. I couldn’t even name one of those. Bee Movie? Am I in the ballpark here?

I’m bleeding out, but it sure is worth it!

During all this, Ock desperately flails his robot arms around to try to nab this tender little sucker. Eventually, he morphs one of his robot extremities into a gun and starts firing. Bullets are raining everywhere, but the media is all smiles over here.

Spider-Man’s like “oh damn, I didn’t know he could do that” and takes cover. And by “takes cover” I mean “continues to leap around exuberantly”.

“Why do you keep showing up in my life? Who are you?” Ock asks angrily. “Another genetic freak put together by Hammer’s lunatic scientists?”

Spider-Man confirms that he’s a genetic freak independent of Hammer’s enterprises, thank you very much, and you would do well to check a mirror. Check a mirror for the freak in the room. In the bathroom. Where the freak is. Look at it sometime.

Ock has had enough of this bullshit. Before Spider-Man can finish telling him he could rent himself out as a children’s ride instead of being evil, Ock grabs him and tosses him into the side of a TV news van.

“I can’t think of another time when the press had a front seat for such an amazing display like this,” proclaims a correspondent as scenes of the fight flashes on everyone’s TVs. When asked if Kraven should cancel and turn the van around, his agent thinks that’s a nutso wacko idea. Look at all this coverage! Get it while the gettin’s good. Kraven’s pious face shows determined agreement.

Hey, that guy on TV looks like somebody I know! …Tom Holland, maybe?

“Why has Otto Octavius called the press to this location? What is his agenda with Justin Hammer? And what exactly is Spider-Man’s connection to all this?” ponders the local news correspondent on MJ’s bedroom TV.

“We’re going to have to–oh! Something is happening. Spider-Man seems to be at a loss and–” gibbers the local news correspondent on the Daily Bugle’s office wall TV.

The “something happening” is Ock squeezing Spider-Man’s brittle stupid bones with one robot arm and charging up another with electricity, just like before at the Dome. “I am entirely sick of you,” Ock snarls as the electro-tentacle inches closer and closer. “I am not going to live to be the monster other men would make me. I am my own creation! I am in control of my own destiny!” he shrieks, obviously deranged past the point of conversation or being side-tracked by more of Spidey’s look-at-how-cute-I-am quips. He does shoot the end of the arm with Spidey Goo, which redirects current through Ock’s body. That seems to help for now, but it also sends Spidey flying in the other direction like a smelly rag doll covered in mud and feces.

Ock turns his attention back to the crushed limo. “You’re a coward, Hammer! Hiding behind your little freaks. It’s time to show these people what you are!” he shouts from high above. Hammer is about one more irregular heartbeat away from kicking it right here, right now. He holds onto his assistant’s hand, and I still don’t know her name. Mallory McNuggets is what I believe I called her for some coke-addled reason. “You didn’t deserve this…” Hammer croaks as his 109-year-old body continues to use every resource available to fuckin’ see and talk and shit.

Before Ock has a chance to land a finishing blow, he gets a web to the crotch and his pants are pulled down! His tighty-whities are embarrassingly exposed! Tee hee.

The sound of his pants lowering goes “SMUNP”. Ahh, who could forget our 45th president, Donald J. Smunp? This brings Otto back to reality for a quick tick, but the time it takes for him to hoist dem britches back up is enough for Spidey to swoop in and start dishin’ out some young justice! Eventually, Spider pins Octomom to the ground and snaps off one of his robot arms. Otto lies motionless. Camera crews have captured the whole scene. The silence is palpable. Spider lifts his mask just high enough off his face to spit.

“This is Traci Hale–reporting live. It–it appears to be over. Otto Octavius has been subdued by Spider-Man.”

She attempts to approach Spidey to get a statement, but LOOK WHO SHOWS UP NOW. Fuckin’ Kraven.

Get yer jammies on, Petey.

Man.

Dang.

Huff.

Final Thoughts

Kraven’s gonna get sent packin’! I expected the Kraven fight to happen before the Ock fight. Dr. Octopus has ultra-strong, electric robot arms. Kraven has a drippy dick.

BUT, Spidey’s HP meter is near 1%, so he’s gonna have to find some Phoenix Downs if he has a snowball’s chance in hell with the drippy-dicked motherfucker!