Paper Girls, Issue #21

* Part 1 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 5 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #21! It’s another pussy-grabbing good time when it comes to Brian K. Vaughan’s wonderful creative force! Sorry, that was inappropriate. Just think how inappropriate it was when grabbin’ ‘em by the pussy was a thing that got you elected.

In the previous storyline, the girls had traveled to the year 2000. We learn a little bit more about what motivates the old-timers (status quo), what motivates the young-timers (fixing the shitty shit that happened), and how the girls are coming to terms with themselves (KJ, homosexuality; Mac, also homosexuality, but handling it in the wrong direction; Tiff, the future version regretting the past; Erin, being Erin).

2000 was a lot more character based than plot-based. In general, Grand Father is Jahpo from dinosaur times and he hates those mutant teenagers who want to change the world for the better. This is primarily because they killed the Prioress, whom he loved.

Eventually, the girls and Older Tiff get whisked away to Year Whatever! 3000 maybe! Say hi to Fry and Leela for me, kids.

Paper Girls, Issue #21 [June, 2018]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Cover art: Mac’s gonna kick the future’s ass.

Flashback to 1987-ish. An 11-year-old Mac is at the library, her hair past her shoulders. “Hey. So, if I have my own card, can I check out, like, any book.

Once the librarian confirms that she does not want Flowers in the Attic, she quickly assumes that it’s for a Stephen King book. That part’s not important at all! The important thing is that what she wants is something she’s very ashamed of.

A book in the Sweet Valley High series. My own sister used to like those books! They looked boring. “I’m not in high school,” she says sheepishly. “Everyone in my class is still obsessed with The Baby-Sitters Club, but I think they’re a bunch of babies.”

Hmm. Hmm. Not in high school, eh? Hmmmm… and you want a book for high school kids? HMMMM…

Ok!

Yay!

I’ve never yet seen Mac look so happy! She beams as the librarian stamps the card and–

“Just get it back on time. You’re going to be dying of leukemia any day now.”

WAH! The librarian has turned into some demon lady! But it was aaaallllll a dream!… or was it?!

WAH! Yes, it is, but Mac is handling it splendidly. She becomes her current, short-haired self and starts whacking the woman with KJ’s hockey stick. That, and her worm companion. I forgot to mention the giant worm. There’s a worm.

“Hold it,” she looks at the stick. “ I don’t play field hockey.” She looks at the stick, which has “THEN I GUESS WE DO” scrawled on it, which she finds inscrutable.

WAH! Then KJ wakes Mac up. She, Tiff, Older Tiff, and Erin stand in front of the extremely futuristic skyline. They all look rather worried. “We gotta keep moving,” KJ tells her.

*OPENING CREDITS. PERFECT STRANGERS MUSIC PLAYS*

“I thought we were gonna wait until dawn,” Mac complains.

“That’s exactly what Erin and I still think,” Tiff answers.

“But KJ and Double-Oh Tiff say we should stay put,” Erin adds.

Yeah, but “Double-Oh Tiff” sounds like a CW Network high school spy drama.

KJ wants to leave because their time-travel robot over there *points* might be found quickly by Old-Timers and/or the teenage kids. Erin reminds them all that ”Evil Erin” said that the girls are invisible to people from the future. But KJ insists that it might be a lie, that maybe “their sensors being blind to their DNA” is complete bullshit, and they all need to high tail on out of there.

“So we just leave? We have no idea where we are. We don’t even know what year we crashed into!” Tiff, ever the voice of reason. Mac is tired of the back-and-forth. She’s got a stack of Sweet Valley High books that she wants to read. “If I’m the tie-breaker, I vote with Kaje’s team.”

Mac suspects they’re in downtown Cleveland. There’s an old building that looks like Terminal Tower, except it’s half as tall as the futuristic buildings. Terminal Tower is supposed to be the biggest building in Cleveland. Not these other lesser towers! Mac starts running, leading the girls to the closest library in the downtown area.

While this is all happening, some boring stuff is going on with Grandpa Jahpo and his Merry Band of Misfit Old-Timers. “That’s it, all right,” he says as his giant ship hovers over the lake and the time-traveling Transformer dinosaur thing. “That’s the same one that almost killed me back in the day.”

Cool story. A real humdinger. Cardinal, whom I don’t think we’ve seen since Vol. 1 is manning the ship and doing some readings on the mega-robot. There seems to be nearby wreckage of a makeshift raft. Hard to say for sure. Multiple footprints on the sand, too. But no traces of human life.

“They’ve learned to hide from us. That’s not good.” The next logical step is to find these kids and question them. They’re smarter than they look, and even though Grand Father doesn’t know what they look like, he can assume that they don’t look very smart. ESPECIALLY Mac!

So, there are hundreds of people walking around the streets dressed extremely future-y. “Awesome,” sighs Double-Oh Tiff. “We should blend right in with the roaming packs of feral young people.”

They deign to keep quiet, since their accents and dialect would likely sound very archaic AND anachronistic AND, like, old.

And that’s true.

Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager has seen better days.

“Did she say…?” says Erin.

“Don’t engage,” says Mac. “Lady’s probably just trying to sell us drugs.”

“1ah taysta whut d Cherch updere donshare?” yells the loud lady. I can see how much of a headache the future is going to be already. “Godall, frum dino-meat 2 nic-heat.” She opens up her coat, revealing items in the lining: Marlboros, a Hershey bar, virtual reality goggles, a flip phone, headphones, a VHS tape, and others. Mac drools at the cigarettes.

The Futur-Cops show up in their Back to the Future 2 hovercars to stop the peddler. She brings out a laser gun and starts blasting the “BluLifes”. They flick on their shields; the lasers bounce right off.

Then they dish out a laser of their own. BRAKOOOM!! Everyone in the streets start running. Are people dying? Probably! Fuckin’ cops.

High up in one of the buildings, an old person’s hand is pressed up against the glass as the unknown individual watches the scene. We’ll find out who she is later. We still need to see an older version of KJ is all I’m sayin’…

The girls find their way to the outskirts of the destruction, breathing and wheezing. They made it to the library! What are they looking for? What does Mac want? What is this going to tell them? Where is my medication?! I can’t find my medication!

The girls wonder if the cops and/or the woman got killed. Double-Oh Tiff is concerned about ther past self’s well-being. “I’m seriously worried about what all this violence is doing to your brain, kid. I mean, seeing A Clockwork Orange in high school really messes us up.”

The library is dark, but otherwise somewhat normal. People are hanging out and reading, sleeping, studying. Erin catches two dudes kissing between bookshelves.

The future, man! Wooo!!

Mac wants to look for a librarian. “Long time ago, I found out that they basically have to tell anyone who comes in anything that they…ask…” she trails off once she discovers a room with a giant tree. It looks like a 16-bit tree. The kind of tree you’d find in Super Mario World or something. “Hi,” it says, it a robotic rectangular speech balloon.

“What is it?” asks Double-Oh Tiff.

“Some kind of… animatronic plant?” guesses KJ.

“I think it might be a computer,” guesses Tiff.

“No,” replies Erin. “It’s the Tree of Knowledge. And we should most definitely not touch it.”

That’s an Issue #1 callback, my friends!

Mac grabs one of the tree’s hanging, glowing apples. “Tree, what year is it?”

Beep bloop. “It is the seventy-first year of the twenty-second century in the anno Domini designation. Can I help you with anything else, MacKenzie?”

Yo, that’s 2171! Far out, man!

Holy snakes, dude! This tree knows everything! Maybe it can tell them all how to get back to 1988, or at least how to find some kick-ass 2171 video games. KJ wants to know more about themselves, but Erin is VERY apprehensive. “Asking about ourselves is a really, really bad idea,” she says, and Tiff is inclined to agree. KJ is the only one who doesn’t know what becomes of her, so SHE wants to know! Mac has an idea for her own damn self.