Man, let me write for this newspaper! I can bang out articles in two minutes. “GOTHAM hfjrufii fnsywe nffe dsnshwst vnhdfy dhs fg dhdht dgdtwk…”

Bruce Wayne puts it back in his pants and searches his databases for a possible connection between Henry Claridge and this new blowjob, Jay W. Wilde. Well…maybe he doesn’t quite put it back in his pants yet. There’s quite a bit in those databases…

By 3pm that day, the Joker’s broadcast has caused a noticeable amount of panic. The streets are jammed with traffic, akin to a hurricane warning. Commissioner Charles Gordin is chewing out Jim Gordon for not doing a better job with stopping this clown. I agree! Let’s pull it together, Gordo! It’s been TWO fucking days, let’s pick up the pace!

Gordon’s pretty ruffled, though. He’s not used to dealing with a criminal who seems to have no focus other than to commit random acts of terror. And if that’s all he wants to do, then he’s going to have an easy time here in Gotham for the rest of his life. This place already has scary things, like rats and stabby child prostitutes.

Shuffling back to his sad, disheveled office, the sad, disheveled Gordon finds a note on his desk: “Gordon– Claridge killed with time-released poison. Run blood tests on Wilde ASAP. – {Bat Symbol}” Couldn’t send him a text? An email? What year does this take place again? Couldn’t just use Facebook Messanger? Oh, the late ‘80s? Couldn’t use a Speak & Spell? After asking if anyone has seen someone enter his office, another detective just says he saw the janitor go in there a minute ago. Gordon puts on his best groany face again, but he has trouble hiding his appreciative smirk. “You’re getting too good at this, my friend.”

So now let’s do this ALL OVER AGAIN with this sorry-ass motherfucker, what’s his name? Wild Jay Leno? Ugh. All the blood tests show no signs of poison, neither the FAST kind nor the SLOW kind! In fact, he’s been on the other side of the country just up until this morning. So the Jokerface must be planning a direct assault this time. BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! LET’S GIVE THIS GROSS SLOB A LOCKDOWN HE’LL NEVER FORGET!

Gordon and his men finish preparing their security arrangements. Luckily, Wilde’s house is away from the dense part of the city and already outfitted with a very expensive security system as it is. Too bad all those news helicopters keep hovering around! Wink! He keeps checking his watch, all antsy like. Probably because he knows this fool’s getting murdered at midnight anyway.

Practically all of Gotham’s police force are stationed at strategic locations throughout the city. Can’t have a bunch of dead civilians on our hands this time, after all. That won’t get Gordon on the Employee of the Month wall!

Gordon’s watch shows that it’s about ♫♪ TWO! MINUTES! ♫♪ ♫♪ TO MIIIIDNIIIIIIIGHT! ♫♪, but another officer tells Gordon that his watch has midnight on the dot! As Gordon tries to argue with him, one of the helicopters comes dangerously close to the house.

Remember that footage of Vic Morrow getting decapitated by a helicopter during filming of the Twilight Zone movie? It’s like that.

The captain yells to get Wilde to safety immediately as the helicopter plummets to the manor’s grounds in a fiery crash, taking out some police with it! The power to the house is cut, tear gas starts filling the rooms. Everyone, including Wilde, dons a protective gas mask. Even, and get this, Batman pops in at just the right time with his own gas mask! “Be rushing in here with night-vision goggles on any second now,” he thinks correctly, because that’s exactly what the Joker does. Here’s your first little ounce of proof that Batman is a worthy intellectual equal. And by that I mean they’re both dumb.

I mean, look at this dummy! Batman prepared by bringing a stun grenade into the room, blinding and disorienting the lot of them! Mostly the Joker, wearing night-vision goggles and all, he gets EXTRA stunned! For reals. Joker’s not smiling anymore. This Batfucker is an unwelcome nuisance to his millionaire-murdering plans.

Here buddy, let me smooch the top of your delicious-looking noggin.

So they fight a little bit. Their very first fight. Real cute stuff. Gordon commands his team to hold their fire even though Joker keeps trying to shoot at them over Batman’s shoulder. Batman ties him up with a batarang and Joker finally gets a decent glimpse of his assailant. The big grin returns. “You? Why am I not surprised? And they say you’re an urban legend… Ha Ha Ha Ha!”

“This psychopath is LAUGHING. I’m about to break his bones and all I can hear is his laughter echoing through the whole house,” Batman thinks, and I recall the Court of Owls storyline where Batman is all RAAWWWR WAH, IT’S MY DAMN CITY when he meets an evenly-matched foe.

Then he realizes…something… it’s not echoing laughter at all. That’s another voice! Oh fuck my shit, dude, that’s Jay Willy Wiley Wilde laughing! Batman turns his head for a fraction of a second and the Joker bashes the back of his head into Batman’s nose. Joker breaks free, runs to the window, crashes through, and grabs a ladder hanging from one of his helicopters; smiling the whole damn way.

Gordon has already discovered Jay Wilde’s lifeless…clowny body.

Batman failed. The Gotham police failed.

lol

Bruce enjoys his morning tea as he hits the internet hard looking for more jerkoff material. Also, to check if the tracker he had placed on the Joker is working. It’s not.

The coroner’s report showed Wilde died of a poison-laced bullet wound that had grazed him during the FRACAS.

So now what’s left to do? Try to find a connection between the victims? BORRRRING. So, the Joker’s a crazy lunatic but patterns are starting to emerge from his efforts. After all, it’s NO COINCIDENCE that two of the freed mental patients were helicopter corps veterans! See, Bruce Smart! He’ll figure out this chess game even if he has to stare at the ceiling all night to do it!

I was with your wife last night, motherfucker.

So, and this is funny, he puts on a really janky blond wig and mustache combo and pretends to be a journalist from REPORTER MAGAZINE to try to gain some leads. He looks like a complete doofus. Anyway, links between Claridge and Wilde are as follows: 1) uhhh, they were millionaires. 2) uhhh, they were both investors. 3) uhhh…

Oh, ok, Ace Chemical Processing. There’s the connection! Both of these fatasses were prime investors when the plant opened twenty years ago! Plus, Batman fought the Red Hood there three months ago! Whoever that is! Anyway, Bruce made it about himself and, thus, convinced himself to check it out. He tries to be smooth in his disguise and chat up a guy there for a few minutes. It doesn’t fail miserably, which is depressing to me.

WAYNE BRISTOW FROM THE NATIONAL GLOBE! HA HA! HERE’S MY CARD! “Bristow” is working on a story about how hippie environmentalists are trying to run places like Ace Chemical Processing out of business, or at least run them out of major cities. And Joe Workman over here, he’s got kids to feed hurf durf! Now they’re closin’ down! Claridge was trying to get another plant started up outside the city, but he turned into a clown and died!

“Bristow” nudges this guy further, says there’s a whistleblower among their ranks. He doesn’t remember exxxxaacccttly what the name was, but a glance at their corporate records might jog a memory or two, heh heh. “You’re out of luck there…” Joe Punchclock tells him, “Had a fire in the records room just after the plant shut. Lost everything.” Well, figs! Joe Boxlunch tells his only other work companion, Earl, that a whistleblower forced everyone out of a job. Earl looks like he has cum on his face. “I’d sure like to get my hands on that S.O.B.” Earl snarls. Looool.

Zap Bruce Wayne Bristow Brannigan probably suspects clown makeup and asks Earl where that white stuff on his face came from. Ain’t nothin’ but an industrial accident, friendo. Got splashed after getting too close to one of the disposal tanks. Shoulda seen this other guy, turned his hair green an’ shit. Got a light? *hack* *cough*

Wayne Brucetow reminisces about his run-in with Red Hood, so maybe I should read about that someday too. Could the Joker and Red Hood be one and the same? Seems crazy enough to be true! Maybe falling into one of the tanks, as Red Hood appears to have done, scrambled his brains. Red Hood never killed anyone, and already the Joker has killed more people than Bruce Wayne has fucked! Nah, probably not. Maybe? Plus, Red Hood might have been a completely different person between encounters. Hard to say, what with the red hood, you know.

En route to whatever other shenanigans Bruce Wayne is going to try to pull with his sexy reporter get-up, Alfred informs him through the Batmobile Loudspeaker that Joker’s tracking device has begun transmitting! Oh boy, a break in the case! Perhaps he stuck it up a pig’s ass and Bruce Wayne has to find it by unzipping his own pants and-

Nope, no. The tracker leads him to Old Gotham, a part of town that has been rundown and unused for decades. He finds the tracker (with a fucking bat engraved on it; why would you LET VILLAINS KNOW that kind of thing? Reminds me of Nightwing’s weapons with his branding all over them left at a crime scene) on the floor of an abandoned Survey and Planning Office. “So, what did the Joker want here? Most of this information is completely out of date. It’d be useless,” Bruce ponders, thumbing through maps and blueprints of Gotham’s various rail and sewage systems. Except for those, he realizes. Those are very useful. Excellent, another lead! Batman never squanders an opportunity to play in the sewers, and he smiles devilishly at the thought. Oh, baby.

Whatever, dude, you’re just dripping food coloring into beakers full of food coloring.

At the police station, Gordon’s leaning back in his chair like he’s getting his dick sucked by the Invisible Man. No news about the Joker today, which would almost be a relief if it wasn’t so goddamned foreboding. Plus, thugs are taking advantage of the past few days of elevated crime by elevating a little bit of crime themselves on an otherwise quiet night! Mass lootings, vandalism, all that fun stuff! Party time in Gotham City, kiddos. Gordon just wants this whole ordeal to be over, and fast.

Meanwhile, Batman finds nothing interesting in the sewers after all except for a couple of fresh turds! Ha! Thanks for reading my blog over at TomWritesAboutStuff.com where you get only the most immature content tailored for 12-year-olds! Turds! Bruce is still working on cracking the mystery of the special secret poison. Maybe he should take that kind of thing to an expert instead of trying to play chemist in his basement.

Perhaps he doesn’t need to find an antidote for the poison anyway. He probably won’t need to worry about that. This Joker guy is going down. Hell, maybe he has already exacted his revenge! Maybe he’s done! Maybe Bruce can catch up on those last few seasons of Riverdale instead of crime fighting. But still, questions linger… like that message he found scrawled on the bathroom wall where the Joker televised his first little threat. What the fuck did that mean? Were the Joker’s threats to kill the entire city just a distraction from his real intentions?

Hmm!

“So how do I figure out the plans of an insane man?” You can see smoke coming out of his ears, this guy is thinking so hard. Nothing makes sense here. He almost feels out of his element dealing with this clown…

Albert pops into the study. “Sorry, sweetie, I didn’t mean to startle you. Do you want some cocoa and a blanket? Here, let me turn Riverdale on for you…” BUT BRUCE HAS NO TIME FOR RIVERDALE! Albert turns on the TV and the Joker is broadcasting yet another very special episode of his one-man comedy performance series. “–just because I’d taken one day off you were rid of me yet, did you?” is where in the sentence we arrived at. Trying to figure out the beginning of that sentence. How about “You didn’t sit there and jerk off for fourteen hours thinking that–” Ha!

…and that one handsome Gotham socialite who I don’t think has done any real work in his entire life, but nonetheless I wanna kill him.

Two more photos of sad-sack millionaires are shown on screen as the Man Who Talks keeps on talking about putting these assholes in their place! Are we reeaaallly sure that the Joker is evil? Seems like a good egg to me. Lots of salient points are coming out of this dude’s giant clowny mouth. “At midnight, I’m going to do away with both Judge Thomas Lake, and Gotham’s favorite socialite bachelor Bruce Wayne…”

Clock is ticking, Brucey! We’ve got a deadline now.

Bruce pretends to be alarmed and scared when the police call him that morning. Bruce is a little alarmed though, so it’s not entirely an act, but more than alarmed he’s confused. Why him, of all people? Unless the Joker is just throwing darts and collecting random victims, and if that’s the case, then all the assumptions that there’s a method to the Joker’s madness is unfounded. UNFOUNDED, I say!

The police begin yet another lockdown of yet another rich person’s estate. Just like the others, Bruce isn’t entirely cooperative. When asked how exactly, pray tell, Bruce’s team of doctors is going to help him if his hair turns green and he starts laughing (like watching an episode of his favorite Riverdale show! Not a comedy, though, right? Then why does Bruce laugh so much at it?), Albert’s plan is to inject some shit into Bruce’s body that slows his heart and stops the spread of poison through his system. Then they’ll go to a hospital. Nice plan, Albert, how long would that take? 20 minutes? A MAN’S LIFE IS AT STAKE, HERE!

Detective Roussos ain’t backing down. “Okay, and what if the Joker kills the doctors first?” WHOA WHOA WHOA! We could be what-if’n for hours here! What if a nuclear bomb goes off before the next Riverdale airs? What if gators come out of the toilet? Bruce smiles like a slimy used car salesman. “Good point, I think I will take that mask after all.”

Bruce is thankful that Jim Gordon is posted at Judge Thomas Lake and Palmer’s estate tonight. Roussos is dumb, so he can spin circles around him. Gordon’s too smart, he would make Bruce lock himself in a panic room and not be Batman. This whole ruse might be a diversion from Joker’s real plans. He’s gotta get out of this house and away from these fucking cops if he has any chance to track this Bozo down and make him eat his own butt.

Roussos, over the phone with Gordon, calls Bruce’s behavior “the usual rich guy B.S.” and notes that the house is secure. Off by the fireplace, Bruce begins to laugh. “Uh, hold on, Captain… we may have a problem.”

Bruce turns around. He looks scary.

Lookin’ good, king.

At Judge Lake’s pad, Gordon is suspicious. It ain’t even 11:30! A couple of Gordon’s men are peering out the nearby window and trying to get his attention. “Hey, Captain, something’s happening outside…”

There’s a car with a couple of clowns shooting guns at the judge’s house. These aren’t Joker clowns. These are other clowns. These aren’t laughing clowns. These are ANGRY clowns. “Oh God, he’s hitting both fronts early…this isn’t RIGHT. What the hell is going on?” Gordon furrows his brow. More clowns keep coming out of the car like it’s a fuckin’, you know, CLOWN CAR! Bullets rain in through the windows, the occupants of the manor duck and cover. Gordon calls for backup as they desperately attempt to keep Judge Fuckface safe.

Meanwhile Bruce, pumped full of laughing gas, is having a gay old time. Men try to keep him still so that Alfred can inject the antidote, but he’s a’writhin’ and a’squirmin’ way too much. This is what Bruce gets for hitting the gym one too many times. Bruce’s inner voice calls him a moron for underestimating the Joker. He tries his best to keep still, but his body is weak and his “brain is burning”. Finally, through SIGNIFICANT MENTAL FORTITUDE, he is able to allow the gents to shoot him up with Joker antidote heroin.

Alfred tries to talk to Bruce to keep him calm, but Bruce’s clown-addled mind wants to kill the British bitch. The portrait of his parents over the fireplace haunts him in the moment as well: “Mother– this evil town– Gotham– took you–” he pants rather clownily. A bastardized version of the memories of that fateful night fills his vision. He remembers a gun, all the civilians on the scene trying to help the young Bruce whose parents are melting in front of him. “Kill you all– you took my– parents– deserve to die– I’ll kill you” he blithers and blathers to no one in particular.

Alfred’s chance to finally slap the shit out of him. Don’t waste the opportunity by holding back!

Alfred gives him a big ol’ friendly slap across the kisser! They are now in the back of a large ambulance, a few miles from the manor, where a group of clowns are opening fire upon it like me trying to blow up a car in GTA San Andreas by shooting the gas tank. Bruce is overcome with sudden inspiration: “This is all a diversion. I know what the Joker’s planning now. I’ve been in his head.” He starts getting his Batman clothes on while Alfred glares at him. “Um…are we certain we’ve regained all our faculties, sir?” Alfred asks suspiciously, but we’ve been in this situation before! Bruce isn’t going to stop and chat with Alfred. Alfred, who is always the level-headed voice of reason! Alfred, who makes more sense than Bruce 200% of the time. Gotta go!

Batman leaps toward the clowns and takes them all out in about fifteen seconds. With no time to run to the manor to grab his car, he makes do by committing a felony and stealing a cop’s motorcycle. He radioes Gordon en route to…wherever. Gordon’s like “About fucking time, idiot. Where were you when I could’ve used you? Moron! Clowns attacked us! CLOWNS! Dipshit! And you were probably stroking your bat dick in your bat house! Jerkoff! Also, Bruce Wayne is dead! Dead! Now get over here so I can whip your buttcheeks ruddy!” Batman merely confirms that Bruce Wayne is still alive and demands that Gordon calls the reservoir and cuts off water to the city immediately. If he waits too long, Joker’s going to kill the whole city. Move! Move move move move move! MOVE IT!

Gordon’s call to the reservoir is unanswered. There are a couple of dead Joker-types near the reservoir’s main desk. Fuck it, then, Batman’s gonna do it himself! NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA- NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA…

On his way to Reservoir Town, Bruce enlightens us all with the cracked code of the bathroom message: “He’d get personal revenge on the people who made him what he is. And then the whole city would ‘follow his fall’… In his sick mind, we’re all to blame just for being alive.” Yeah, ok, so how does that explain picking off the millionaires first? Huh? Explain that, smartypants.

At the reservoir, Joker is already beginning to open the floodgates. He looks pretty bemused once Batman gets his attention. “I’d stay right there if I were you, Batsy. If I flip this lever, the floodgates will open into the viaduct, and then Gotham dies.”

Batman says he’s going to stop him. Joker’s all “you and what army?”. Batman’s all “I don’t need an army” and he pushes a button on a (Batman-branded, of course) remote control. The viaduct blows up. THWARTED! I killed Gotham before you could. lol

Actually, Gotham isn’t dead now. They’ll just be without running water for a few weeks. Still sucks though. “Do you know how much planning went into this night?” Joker whines angrily. “A lot of people died so I could be here, and you just ruin everything.” The Joker looks positively deranged now. Not his usual deranged, though. He’s mad as fuck.

When we’re done fighting, I’d like the number to your dentist.

He lightens up once he decides to just kill Batman instead. And, this quick little minx is faster than Batman expected. This one-on-one skirmish is causing some anxiety for the Cowled One. Batman never kills anyone, but there’s a giant poisoned water supply just waiting for an unruly villain to be dropped into. The Joker had leaped toward him, but Batman had grabbed his arm and now holds him directly over the water. It would be so damn easy. He’s already killed tons of people. Where’s the harm in vanquishing him once and for all? Bye bye. No more Joker.

But no. Batman’s a pussy. He lets the Joker live. The Joker is obviously relieved, but expresses his major disappointment. Like a sad dad!

The Joker gives him one more glassy-eyed, unhinged smile before Batman punches him in the face a couple times. “…okay, uncle…you win…” Joker mutters through a busted lip.

Joker gets shoved off to Arkham Asylum. It takes Gotham City a few weeks to shake off the nerves. There are no prints from him in the database, so his identity can not be confirmed. And he’s certainly not telling anyone any time soon. Millionaire Playboy Bruce Wayne is just so happy to be alive that his company rebuilt the viaduct completely free of charge! What a happy guy! The water came back to the city after about a week of stinky, sweaty misery.

Late at night, Captain Jim Gordon enjoys a smoke on a rooftop. Batman joins him. “Still blaming yourself for all those dead people?” Gordon asks. YES! Why? Because if Joker is Red Hood, then Batman is responsible for creating this monster in the first place. Gordon disagrees. “Listen dummy, you didn’t put the hood on his head and the gun in his hand? So shut the fuck up.” Batman takes this sentiment under advisement.

Gordon shows him a nifty new toy that the mayor bought and paid for. “Let’s see how it looks…” he says as he flicks on a switch.

They both stare up at the sky. So do the civilians.

“For the first time in weeks, my city is looking up.”

Final Thoughts

Oh, too long of a post? Suck it up. You come to my blog to READ, morons.

Good story, right? Of course it is! It’s supposed to be one of the best Batman stories ever written and penned and inked and sold and ripped up by my many dogs.

They should make a movie about this one! They should dig up Heath Ledger’s rotting old bones and joke him up for one last hurrah.