Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 – “The Gathering”!

This continues directly after the No Fear storyline in Geoff Johns’ legendary run. It’s been a while since I hit Green Lantern at all, so I owe it some more tender love and care! Or something else to that effect that isn’t as gross. Onward.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 [November, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“The Gathering”

It’s Sector 1417. “It’s my first day on the job,” says someone who I should probably know, but I don’t, and that’s okay. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. “Star 196. A Class 4 sun near the edge of my sector becomes unstable. No warning. Just an abrupt radiation spike.”

Sounds like something is going to go boom very soon, and it’s the Green Lantern of Sector 1417’s underpants! *high five* He plans an evacuation of the inhabited fifth planet. He thinks he has a couple of days. He doesn’t.

*boom*

But this guy isn’t afraid. If he was a ‘fraidy-man, the guardians wouldn’t have chosen him! It’s that simple. So he’s not afraid…

…

“I cannot die today,” he says as hot gas billows around him. “Not on my first day as a Lantern. I must protect my sector. I am Tarkus Whin of the Green Lantern Corps of Oa.

Star 196 contracts into a black hole, which doesn’t really happen in four seconds as far as I know, but we don’t worry ourselves with such matters of physics. Tarkus is getting swept in, and he all but gives up knowing that he died what he calls a “Lantern Death”, i.e. one where his pants aren’t full of poop. Hopefully.

“RING STATUS REPORT. GREEN LANTERN 1417 DECEASED. SECTOR SCAN FOR REPLACEMENT SENTIENT INITIATED.”

Let’s see what’s going on in Sector 2814. Hopefully no one is dying, that would be a bummer. Ah, it’s the sector where there’s an Edwards Air Force Base in California! Must be full o’ them loser aliens. There’s a guy named Hal Jordan flying around in an airship. He’s not wearing his ring. There’s a guy named Guy Gardner flying around looking like a Green Lantern. He is wearing his ring. That’s about as far as these two go with their personality types.

Gardner tells Jordan that Kilowog told him that there’s restructuring going on in the Corps right now. “Recruitment’s in overdrive.” The Guardians want to see Gardner and Kyle Rayner in person. Hal Jordan tells Gardner to have fun and bye, don’t forget to write. See ya.

Hal Jordan, I swear to God, if you’re in Guardians’ pocket without me I’ll RING your neck! Ha! Get it??

John Stewart and Hal Jordan are both assigned to 2814, so that leaves Guy Gardner with a different sector. That’s probably why the Corps wants to talk to him. They want to send him over to the Butt Star with the Butt Solar System to take care of the Butt Planets.

Meanwhile, on Earth’s moon (or as the Corps designates it: Sector 2814, Planet 38.C, Moon 1). It’s where the Justice League has built their Watchtower, which is the stupidest place for it because everyone is always trying to blow up the moon. Have you seen the Russians? Anyway, Kyle Rayner is cozying with the rest of the League, telling them that what he’s part of now is bigger than any stupid-ass Justice League any day of the week. Superman understands. He understands everything. Except algebra.

“Take care of yourself, Kyle,” Wonder Woman smiles. And Kyle gives her a warm goodbye.

Guy Gardner has flown up to the moon to give Batman a warm goodbye, too.

You need to wax that butthole, Mr. Lantern.

Gardner and Rayner fly away laughing. “I thought you were past the frat-boy attitude, Guy,” Rayner chides. Gardner assures him that he’s going to take this job seriously even if it means he sticks his ass in Batman’s face every chance he gets. It comes with the territory.

Back in Sector 1417 (Planet Korugar), Doctor Soranik Natu is trying to operate on a dying patient. She sees a ring floating at her, which she tries swatting away like a meddlesome hornet! She calls it a symbol of oppression and pain, having belonged to Sinestro once. “You are not welcome here!” She points at the ring. “Now get out of my way!”

The ring insists that Soranik Natu will be trained as a member of the Green Lantern Corps. She wants none of that horse hockey. The patient is dying right before her eyes while the ring keeps bouncing of her face like a racquetball. So, Dr. Soranik Natu says “fine”, puts on the ring, and commands it to fix her patient. Filter blood into his brain and divert synapse activity from the pain sensors. Can ya do that, huh?

The ring flashes, filling the room with that ugly shade of green we all know so well, and welcomes Soranik Natu to the Corps. The patient is saved at the expense of damning herself. Ah well, those who don’t want power should wield it. I’m told.

In Sector 2682, in Dys City, Rann, it looks like a literal Hell.

Woof woof, Rannian dogs! Come out with your paws up!

The Rannians understand that, yes, their situation is indeed hopeless. A commanding officer tells a man named Vath that he needs to break out and bring help. “These Thanagarian vultures don’t take prisoners,” he cries while Vath is like “hmmm, hnnnn, uhhhh…”

Everything explodes around Vath all of a sudden, which means he wasn’t really able to break out and bring help whatsoever. But that’s ok, because a green ring floats toward him and informs him that he’s been selected for the Price is Right! Come on down!!!

Of course, Vath doesn’t want it either. Nobody fucking wants it except Guy Gardner and his frat-boy attitude. But, if the ring can help him kill the Thanagarians, then so be it. He’ll put it on.

“This war is no longer yours, Vath Sarn. Your duty lies elsewhere now, Green Lantern of Sector 2682. Prepare for your trip to Oa,” says the bossy ring.

On the same planet, this time in Ranagar City, Rann, a man named Isamot Kol is getting executed for the murder of an officer of the Imperial Thanagarian army. Kol is kinda like “meh” about it. But as the killing blade slices down, a ring stops it in mid-air and informs Kol that he has been recruited. Kol takes the ring immediately and kills his executioner. This probably goes against the code of the Guardians, but who the fuck cares at this point? It’s all made up anyway.

Gardner and Rayner are still flying in warp space. They see a planet blow up. Rayner goes “Whoa” like Keanu Reeves.

It’s Oa time, ladies and gentlemen! The Planetary Citadel of the Guardians of the Universe is bustling, man. Packed with newly recruited Lanterns, all of one shade of green. Guy Gardner acts like a senior in college ready to dunk some freshman heads into toilets.

Who are you calling a “poozer”, you swatterclump!

Kilowog welcomes the new recruits with the warmth of a feral hog. “I’m gonna be ya new best friend… and ya new worst enemy,” he says warmly. He says more things too, like how they all might have been hotshots back at home, but now they’re all a bunch of fuckin’ poozers. This continues for a few panels, and it’s all exactly what you’d expect. Any questions?

The sexy Dr. Soranik Natu has a question: “How do I get out of here?” she asks, eyes fiery with anger. “I do not want to be a Green Lantern.”

Kilowog has never heard of such a thing in his whole bloated life! He is interrupted by Salakk, who tells Soranik Natu that there are three ways to get out. 1) failure, 2) becoming a corpse, and 3) all of the above.

“I choose my own path, Salakk of Oa. The path of life. Ring – take me home!” she spits into her shiny green jewelry, which tries to rebut. “NOW!” And she leaves, not caring if she failed. Not caring one fucking bit.

“I think she is making a mistake,” says a man named Brik.

“What do you expect of someone from Korugar, Brik? Sinestro turned the Lantern symbol into a swastika,” says Garnder. Rayner disagrees that Soranik Natu is angry. “She’s afraid,” he says.

There is plenty of buzz about Soranik Natu’s decision for a while. No one can believe this shit, that someone wouldn’t want to be a Green Lantern (Tom’s Note: I agree with Soranik Natu. Fuck that noise).

Anyway, Kilowog has assigned Gardner with training the rookies, which Gardner angrily considers “babysitting”. He flies away pissed to talk to the Guardians themselves despite the cries against it. The Guardians don’t want to be disturbed! They’re sleeping or making out or something! No, Guy! No!

“Knock knock, munchkins,” Gardner says as he plows through the doors, looking for Ganthet. “You drag me all the way up here and expect me to hold these aliens’ ring fingers?”

“Oh yes,” says Ganthet. “I remember this one now. The caveman. Like all of those from Earth. They ‘talk back’. Incredibly wasteful. And inefficient.”

Then they tell Guy Gardner that he’ll achieve “new status” if he gets his rear in gear and helps train these newbies. This sweetens the deal a little bit, but not by much.

Kyle Rayner enters the chamber like “hey guys, what’s going on? lol” and the little blue Guardians smile. Ah, welcome Rayner! We like Rayner!

Now beat it, the both of you.

Sad-sacks get the sad-sack assignments. Piss off.

Once these two idiots from Earth leave, the Guardians talk amongst themselves. “Fellow Guardians. How stands our great purpose?”

Things aren’t going well. Lanterns keep dying. For one thing, black holes keep popping up and that’s a problem. Let’s check on that ASAP. There’s also a war going on in Sector 2682, that’s pretty distracting for a lot of Lanterns. That leads to about a hundred other things, too. Even Oa shows some unrest. And what of Soranik Natu? Did she make it home safe? Oh, her signal vanished? That’s probably a good sign, right!

Oh, she’s now missing. Hmm… um… well…

Gardner is en route back to Earth. He really, really doesn’t want to bother training recruits. Kilowog follows him, trying to tell him he’s just doing his job. Guy Gardner ain’t no teacher, and he ain’t giving lectures on willpower and the oath. “I got a life,” he says. Then he says that the Guardians can go screw themselves, which brings Kilowog a millimeter away from slapping the guy.

“We’ve got over three hundred ringslingers signed up. And we’re lookin’ for nearly sixty-nine hundred more. But they won’t be worth a bucket of Oan slime unless they’re trained by the best. They need ya. I need ya.”

Gardner calls this ‘fraidy-cat talk. Kilowog admits that he is. Because, for the first time in his life, according to the Guardians, the whole damn universe is about to change.

Eep.

Final Thoughts

Who knew that Green Lanterning was such serious business? I’m with Soranik Natu. Serious business is the fucking pits. Let’s bring it down a notch, you overwrought melodramatic meatheads!