Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #4

* Part 4 of 6 of the Sinister storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #4! In the previous installment, Cindy does the usual stuff like beat up bad guys and visit her brother and speak to a therapist about her many mental health issues. Eventually, Black Cat orders Silk and Shrike to go find the secret Goblin Nation underground city, and they do, and they infiltrate it, and Shrike betrays Silk, and now Silk is in the middle of a Goblin Nation underground city training grounds about to get her ass whooped by a thousand angry goblin kids!

Sounds like another Sunday to me! Wubba lubba dub dub!

Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [April, 2016]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Silk spends some time reiterating her sob story while fighting off goblins. Trapped in a bunker. Became a hero. Working for Black Cat. Betrayed by Shrike. Yada yada. She gets clubbed in the head, but it doesn’t affect her at all even though a normal person would be drooling from brain damage immediately. “FYI, it’s impossible for me to say ‘underground lair’ and not sound it out like Dr. Evil. Do kids today still know who Dr. Evil is?” That’s a little shoutout to the millennials who read comic books! Why make billions when you can make millions? Ha ha. Party on, Garth.

A goblin grabs Silk’s hair and demands that she bows to the Goblin King! Silk says “nuh-uh.” Then she gets thrown to the floor, and the last thing she ever sees is five angry, tough, sneering goblins standing over her ready to gut and lacerate and disembowel…

But then a flash of blue light saves the day! It’s the guy with the thing. He helped her in Issue #1. Electric Man Who Disappears Sometimes! Who is this mysterious… rather dashing… stranger?

Am I ready for an image yet? No?

How about now?

How about now?

No?

Yes?

Maybe?

Now?

Now?

NOW, goddamnit?!”

Yes?

Yes!

You’re giving me some strong Joss Whedon vibes there, Robbie Thompson. Hopefully not in a sexual harassment way, though.

The mysterious helper is actually pointing to a vent for escaping. “C’mon, Nameless Dude!” Silk says as she webs her way up into the vent. However, Nameless Dude gets swarmed by damnable goblins. “Go,” he says in green writing. According to Silk, the voice sounds like an echo within an echo. Creepy.

Go is what she does. She crawls and slithers through the vent, finds another opening, knocks a guard unconscious, and steals his helmet. “Is there a word for being under-undercover?” she thinks. “Does it rhyme with ‘This will probably end in tears and/or death’?”

I’m glad that Silk finds time to be cutesy amidst certain peril! She is able to blend in, sorta, while goblins file to the Battle Room, which is under siege. “The Battle Room is under siege!” one of them yells. See?

Silk peeks into many rooms until she finds what she’s looking for: a giant library filled with evil-looking tomes and homeless people sleeping at desks. You know, like a real library. She plucks a random book off the shelf and finds pages filled with pictures of kids with stickers showing their names and DOBs. “The Goblin King has been finding at-risk teens and bringing them in,” she says out of nowhere. “If there’s a record of every name, though… that means…”

She quickly figures out that her brother Albert would also be in the book, and she finds his record. And according to that record, he was homeless – on his own – for two fuckin’ years! Two years! Her mom and dad disappeared two years before Albert was taken in? Silk starts tearing up and has a regularly scheduled flashback.

I guess what I’m saying, Cindy, is that you’re wasting my time with this Boring Bonding Before Bunker shit.

Cindy and Mr. Moon prepare to go ice skating. They hold hands while lazily skating around the rink. “What are you going to do, Dad? Once that door closes?” she asks. Dad’s going to help Mom, obviously, numbnuts, with the cure she’s trying to make to cure your weird spider problems with a cure. Dingus. They’ve got a cavalcade of doctors and scientists on the mission as well. Cindy is pessimistic, but Dad says that Mom is so darn stubborn that she’ll stop at nothing to find a cure. Even if she has to mix 7up with Sprite to see if that works, which it might, but that’s on the list below hydrofluoric acid.

Those other doctors and scientists? Cindy is racking her brains to try to remember the names so that she can text her coworkers in case she doesn’t get out of there alive. Speaking of which… CLUNK!

Nah, just kidding. A few goblins open the door to the library and go “You do not belong in here.” Eep. CLUNK!

Just kidding. No clunk yet. But Silk’s friends sit at the bar disgruntled. “I don’t believe it. Cindy totally bailed on us. And she texts some rando name for us to research for a story?”

The name is Ajay Kapoor and he’s going to be related to the mysterious electric superhero guy. His dad or something. Or the teacher the mysterious electric superhero guy was sleeping with when he was in high school.

And Mockingbird is trying to get ahold of Silk, gritting her teeth that the spidery lass isn’t picking up the phone.

And Black Cat? Also mad that Silk is MIA. Shrike is like “I ‘unno what happened!” but more like “Silk ran away when the going got too tough, and she’d rather flick her bean than to do what it takes, and I’m sorry Black Cat, but she ain’t one of us and she never was nor will she ever be, and do you have any S’mores Pop Tarts?”

Silk beats up the goblins. More show up to fight. Ho hum.

Eventually, the Big Cheese breaks things up. The Goblin King himself enters the room and puts the kibosh on all the foofaraw. “This is no way to treat an honored guest. Welcome, Silk, to the GOBLIN NATION!”

*balloons and noisemakers get passed around*

Silk doesn’t want a warm welcome! She wants to kick some goblin taint! The Goblin King tells her that he doesn’t want her all softened up and hurt.

She says as she fucks Spider-Man and makes him breakfast and copies a key for him and gets married and has kids and yells about who is supposed to change the diapers that day.

Goblin King just wants to give the woman a tour, is all. Show her the ropes. “I know you and your boss, Black Cat, think of me as a rival. And while it’s true our paths have crossed, I don’t view you and yours in the same light.”

“You see, I’m building something,” he continues.

“On the backs of child labor and crime,” observes Silk.

“My dear. What nation wasn’t built on those?”

Of course, Goblin King tells her that he’s giving these kids a better life here. A purpose and whatnot. “Soon we will be above ground and above board,” he says. “Nothing can stop us. Anything that stands in our way… will be destroyed.”

Here’s the bombshell: he would like Silk to join them! Goblin eats and goblin games! Silk doesn’t accept. This shit sucks, honky. So the Goblin King snaps his gobliny fingers and two henchmen seize Silk and jab her in the neck with a syringe filled with what looks remarkably like piss.

Then she turns into a goblin! “HAIL TO THE GOBLIN KING!” she bellows.

I’d post a picture of her transformation here, but it’s too scary for the kids!