Tetris, Deep Fryers, and Bathtub Poopin’

Yo, what’s in the news lately??

Nugatory Newsroom
13-Year-Old Becomes First Person to Beat Tetris on NES

People have settled on ways to “beat” Tetris for decades. Usually, one must clear the screen completely by using one o’ them long ones to delete four rows at once. I’ve never done it because I have 406 chromosomes and don’t possess the mental fortitude to play Tetris for more than three minutes without accidentally getting distracted by a Chipotle burrito.

But some teenage online nerd kid who calls himself “Blue Scuti” was able to “beat” Tetris by freezing the game, a feat that I could accomplish easily with a faulty NES and an unblown cartridge. Blue Scuti crashed the game with video proof, and this has only been accomplished before by artificial intelligence (a robot wearing a hat).

Details are unavailable for what this kid exactly did other than play for 38 straight minutes, but I’m not impressed! Give me a brick and I can crash Tetris any day of the week. I’ll show these dorks.

As a side note, apparently kids these days use a “rolling” technique when playing competitive Tetris. You throw the controller back and forth between hands. Whether this improves upon my current strategy of setting up a drinking bird to tap the D-pad every 2.5 seconds is still up for debate.

Nugatory Newsroom
Man Accused of Assaulting, Trying to Deep Fry Wife’s Co-Worker’s Head at McDonald’s for ‘Disrespecting’ Her

Fuck Tetris, now here’s a story! A pastor — a pastor — from North Carolina named Dwayne Wayden walked into a McDonald’s during his wife’s shift and tried to dunk this guy’s noggin’ in searing-hot fat and grease. All because of an offhand comment, I’m assuming, of the size of the pastor’s wife’s big-ass booty.

I’d better be careful before Wayden shows up at my work and tries to hit me with a ruler.

This story is pretty fucked up, honestly. What kind of man of the cloth decides to, AT BEST, horribly burn somebody’s skull just for “disrespecting” his wife? It doesn’t even say “assaulted” or “sexually harassed”. The dude could have just said “go fuck yourself” after being asked to clean the vomit and poop-laden bathroom, which every McDonald’s on the planet is required to have!

If I got my head pushed into a fryer every time I disrespected someone’s wife, my head would be extra crispy. YO, PASTOR DWAYNE! YOUR WIFE’S GOT A BIG-ASS BOOTY! Come at me, bro. I’m hiding behind the internet!

Nugatory Newsroom
The Chinese chess player who lost his title after defecating in a bathtub

I don’t like this link because it’s sensationally written for dumbass teenagers, it seems, but the gist of the article is that a 48-year-old man named Yan Chenglong celebrated winning a Xianqi tournament by pooping in his hotel bathtub. “The hotel managers saw it”, and it’s unclear whether that means they saw the ACTION or the AFTERMATH, but apparently taking a crap in a bathtub and leaving it there is not at all illegal.

Let’s get to the root of why, though. WHY did this fine, fine gentleman take a shit in the tub? Probably because he was attempting to retrieve his remote-controlled anal massaging device! And I’m not making this up, for real this time! This dude pooped out an anal massaging device that was apparently used to cheat, massaging his tender sphincter with vibrations from a computer that aiding him in playing the correct moves. That’s a stroke of genius!

Give this man a crown and a kingdom.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Nugatory Newsroom. Check back next time when I post an article about a man in Las Vegas who set a world record by punching his nuts with a barbed glove in rapid succession for sixteen hours.


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Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Book II: Shadows and Secrets storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Doctor Aphra successfully pulls off a heist where she steals credits from an Imperial ship heading back to wherever. She splits some among the bounty hunters, and it is revealed that Darth Vader was also behind the ruse! A twist! Fuck you, Empire! Maybe his and Aphra’s cut will buy him a bunch of jumbo Slurpees at 7-Eleven.

Well, bad news for Vader, because he’s going to be under scrutiny by a dude, hired by Grand General Tagge, named Inspector Thanoth. He’s going to get to the bottom of this strange and mysterious credits heist! Mark his words.

Vader’s going to strangle this guy with his jump rope.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [November, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

On Anthan 13, that pretty, sparkly moon, a small group of Rebel mercenaries are scoping out the area. They see Vader’s TIE fighter, meaning he’s alone! Perfect chance to pick him off and then celebrate with a can of shitty Red Bull.

They find Vader facing away from them. They think they’re slick, but he knows that they’re there. “At last. The Rebellion has many failings.” He whips out his throbbing red lightsaber. “Your slowness is most aggravating.”

On an orbital dockyard of Anthan Prime, Thanoth is radioing Vader to let him know that he’s all set up and he needs Vader’s assistance immediately, probably because he can’t reach the zipper on his beautiful dress. “I believe I have a lead to those responsible for the robbery…”

Vader’s head is hologram-style. “What made you so sure it was a crime and not an accident?”

Well, sir, Thanoth has a lot of fucking things to say about this. Footprints, thumbprints, breadcrumbs, bits of paper, a wrench, the Conservatory, and Col. Mustard in the flesh! “I examined its systems,” he says of the Imperial craft. “There was no sign of interference. In fact, suspiciously little sign of interference.” Well which is it? No interference or little interference? Check back with me one you take a fucking stance on it.

Something about asteroid metal content and deleted log files. Thanoth theorizes that a meteor storm was initialized deliberately under the guise of a freak accident. THEN they inflitrated the ship. THEN they busted open the vault. THEN they launched that shit into space to collect it later. Does that all sound 100% right, you black-helmeted dumbass?

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Penetration suspicion, eh? Get your wife’s take on that one.

Vader says all this better be correct, because “his time is too precious to be chasing phantoms.” Sounds like someone is afraid of ghosts! Jinkies!

Thanoth agrees that this kind of investigation is beneath the both of them. “We can finish this quickly and return to more serious work,” Thanoth says. And BY THE WAY, Garth Vader, what brought you to Anthan 13 in the first place? Hmm huh eh hmm eh eh huh??

“I pursued a Rebel cell there. I dealt with them.”

“It wasn’t reported.”

“I do not consider eliminating a few Rebels a matter that requires comment.”

Sounds good to me! Let’s get some lunch!

After a hearty meal of Bantha steaks and Bantha milk (with Bantha giblets for dessert), Darth Vader meets up with Thanoth beneath the surface of Anthan Prime. They’re going to chase the Dragon, as it were. And by that I mean, they’re in pursuit of a man known as The Dragon, the most infamous of arms dealers in the area. Explosives? Bullets? Pellets for slingshots? All through The Dragon. “One of his dealers will be here. Doowan. A somewhat coarse gentlemen who I suspect will require a little persuasion.”

Oooooh, Doowan likes to be smooth-talked. I’m the man for the job. I’m smooooooooth as the dickens. Thanoth and Vader make their way to a droid fighting den. Kinda like cockfighting except with protocol droids going “oh dear, it appears to be fisticuffs at dawn.” Anyway, they need to lay low and look like they fit in to not attract any attenti–

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

SURPRISE! Heh heh! We baked you a cake!

Whoops, a gaggle of Stormtroopers are already there like “buh-what” when they see their master approach. Not expecting them at all. Thanoth gets pissed; this is supposed to be a clandestine matter and these motherfuckers are stormtrooping the place??

“We’re… sealing the perimeter as ordered, sir,” says the burbling leader of the troopers.

“STEP ASIDE!” booms Vader, and he stomps his way through the line of stormtroopers.

“Hmm. Whoever could be responsible for this uncouthness,” Thanoth asks himself, still completely oblivious to Vader’s involvement in all this. They walk into a warehouse-like structure and discover what’s-their-nuts, the twins, fighting some giant droids. Morit and Aiolin. I keep forgetting their names and/or why they’re at all important to the story.

Ducking for cover is some Medusa-looking guy. “…there’s our man, Doowan,” Thanoth says. He tries to get Doowan’s attention by yelling “HEY DOOWAN, BUDDY! OVER HERE, PAL!” Doowan threatens to shoot, but Vader Forces the gun out of his hands.

Time to talk, buddy. Vader has a few questions like “what’s your sign?” and “do you come here often?” Vader lifts Doowan by the neck against a wall while fighting continues in the foreground. “I can’t give you anything,” Doowan gibbers, lips looking like a couple of fornicating slugs. “There’s too many witnesses.”

SHUT UP! WHERE’S THE DRAGON?! RAAAWWWRR! WHERE’S THE DRAGON?! RARBABABRBABABLABLAB!!!!

“I… I… let me think.” Doowan pretends to think while Vader calls him out on pretending to think in order to stall. Ain’t gonna work.

“The Dragon is off-planet in the mid moons,” Doowan says. “Anthan 12.”

“A lie,” Vader responds.

“He’s… he’s… his mansion’s in the lower reach of Prime’s eastward core. 241-86-1872.”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

We’re not kissing each other if that’s what you’re insinuating! Not at all! We mean it! Honest! Stop looking at us like that!

Ahh, I’ve called that number before to have a good time. It’s plastered all over every men’s room in the tri-county area. Vader finds this bit to be the truth, so they let Doowan go. Thanoth introduces him to Morit and Aiolin. “He knows many people in the arms supply business. I daresay they’ve supplied the Plasma Devils. As such, this man may be of some use to your investigations…”

Morit agrees! Then he whips out his lightsaber and slices Doowan’s head off or something. Maybe just cuts off a couple of head snakes. This is to show the planet that MORIT AND AIOLIN ARE NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH. “Now all can see how bloody the Imperial fist can be,” Aiolin says. “We cannot afford to show any of the usual weakness,” Morit adds.

Thanoth tut-tuts. “One should never send children to do an adult’s job, Lord Vader. And we live in a universe brimming full of children. Hmmm.” Thanoth walks away disapprovingly, then notices that Vader is just kinda standing there like a wet stump. He’s being too quiet (which is typical) and passive (which is not). You’re just going to let Thanoth lead this whole operation? It’s very sus, sir, as the kids say. Almost like you were entirely involved in this crime!

Nope! Vader is passive for exactly two reasons: 1) the last man that Grand General Tagge assigned to him was a traitor, and 2) Vader’s butt itches. “I’m trying to ascertain if you are… dangerous,” he tells Thanoth.

“Oh, I am, Lord Vader,” he replies. “But only to enemies of the empire.”

Elsewhere on Anthan Prime, Aphra and her droid buddies are flying her ship, the Ark Angel, and requesting landing at some highfalutin hovering space station. They are requested to dock at the tradesman’s entrance, which O-O-O finds rude enough to want to kill the whole station! Aphra tells him to cool his jets, because the trademan’s entrance is exactly where they want to go anyway.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

…the dregs of society with their armpit-smelling spacecrafts and their ugly, pedophile robots on the bottom.

They meet up with some dude named Ante (or “The Ante” as he likes to be called). He looks like Scream mask. Now that Aphra can afford it, he offers her much information about many people. What do you want to know? He’s like a regular Entertainment Tonight exclusive!

Aphra passes The Ante an SD card. The Ante accepts and asks if they have the right guy before he’s ready to dish out the info on this mope. Aphra tells him YES and SPILL IT.

“Aphra, you’ve just spent a lot of money to get information you could probably have found through official records…” he says helpfully. She calls him faster and more discreet. She piles a bunch of credits on the table too. So SPILL IT. Tell me everything you know about this one guy named Taylor Lautner. Also, “Commodex Tahn.”

O-O-O doesn’t think this Commodex Tahn will be anyone Vader gives a shit about. Au contraire, my rusty friend. “They were morticians… on Naboo,” Aphra smiles.

Final Thoughts

I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING! Am I supposed to know where this is going? MY STAR WARS KNOWLEDGE IS STILL PITIFULLY LIMITED. I barely knew the difference between Han Solo and Obi-Wan Kenobi three weeks ago! HELP! HELP!!


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All-Star Superman, Issue #8 – “Us Do Opposite”

* Part 8 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #8 – “Us Do Opposite”! In the previous installment, some really dumb, and I mean dumb, Bizarro shit happens and Earth is being taken by Bizarros and Superman sort of saves everyone? But then Cube Earth “burrows into the cosmic sink beneath regular Earth’s universe” and makes the sun all red so Superman loses his powers and Bizarro Superman won’t help. But that’s ok, because Zibarro Superman shows up!

Doesn’t all that brain-pulverizing horseshit sound like a good time? Because this issue is Part 2 of the Bizarro arc and I’d rather jam a toothpick up my narrow urethra. Bwahhhhh!!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8 [August, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Us Do Opposite”

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Ugh, let’s plow through this stank-ass horse hockey. Looks like Superman is going to get strapped to a rocket and launched into oblivion, which is what he deserves and what we all should get to see as a treat.

“Zibarro, this is getting me nowhere…” Superman complains on Cube Earth. As you recall, Zibarro is like the Bizarro Bizarro. It fucking sucks ass and I wish I wasn’t reading this right now. “…there must be something worthwhile in this enormous garbage heap.”

The garbage heap he’s referring to is not his penis, oh no no no. He’s talking about an actual garbage heap. Zibarro tells him that the Bizarro will wander around Bizarrotropolis aimlessly until the all-night. Whatever that is. Goddamn this blows.

Zibarro tells Superman that Bizarros are spawning everywhere from Superman’s memory in order to pacify him and/or prevent him from hitting their home again? Superman is advised to just fly away, but Superman reminds the dingus that the redness of the sun took away his flying juice. Zibarro takes this moment to whine at Superman about how flawed he is, being a flawed Bizarro and all, being one in five billion, and he’s lonely. Oh so lonely. “No shred of intellect exists with which to communicate my thoughts and feelings!” he says, straining his neck like a John Kricfalusi drawing. Superman awkwardly shuffles.

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Oh boo hoo. You don’t know what it’s like to be me. You don’t know what it’s like to be Clark Kent. Friends and family and a wife. It’s soooo lonely.

“Must only Zibarro see beauty in a sunset? Must only Zibarro search for poetry in this senseless coming and going?” This Zibarro guy must be really fun at parties. All like “Everything that ever exists is going to die. You could even die on your way home tonight. Where’s the keg?”

Zibarro whines further, saying that he’ll return to the sludge with the rest of the Bizarros when the all-night comes. Off in the distance, Superman spots a Bizarro Jor-El. He knows it’s Bizarro Jor-El because… I don’t know… something about launching a baby into space. As if it’s the only thing Jor-El ever did. Zibarro calls him Le-Roj the King of All Bizarros due to his “twisted behavior”. When the all-night comes, he will make a supreme sacrifice for his people. Sounds dumb, but I’ll bite.

Le-Roj is different from Jor-El because he didn’t blow up on Krypton. That’s one thing. Also, he rules the Cube Earth. Ok.

Superman pounds his fists against the wall hoping for an epiphany. It comes immediately! “I need to build a spaceship. Like the one that brought me to Earth from Krypton. A spaceship capable of escaping your cube world’s terrible gravity.”

To this Zibarro responds with a dejected “Oh…”

And then Zibarro perks up a little, because Superman has no time! Ha ha ha! The all-night is coming! Maybe I should capitalize that from now on.

Anyway, the All-Night is coming! Useless, futile endeavor to try to escape the Cube Earth!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Nice bloodshot eyes, Superman. You’re so fucking high, dude.

Elsewhere, some other dumb shit is happening. Mr. Quintum and his weird Space Alien Assistant are talking to Lois Lane about locating Superman. “Have you located Superman yet?” she asks. Quintum has not yet located Superman.

ALTHOUGH he does believe that he’s still on the Bizarro world, Bizarro-ing it up with the locals. “Think of it as weird super-dense basement level to the universe,” he says condescendingly. “Home to planet-sized monsters like this thing that just attacked us.”

I don’t remember what just attacked them. I don’t care either. Not at all.

Quintum takes this time to spill the beans about that time he flew into the center of the sun and absorbed more radiation than his body could process. It was all Luthor’s fault, of course. Lois Lane makes an “oh no, oh dear” face. “We hardly dared imagine what we’d do without him,” Quintum continues. “We’ve been working overtime to find a cure. So far we’ve failed.” This is all great news! Very reassuring!

But, during the cure-finding mission, they’ve discovered something else quite disturbing. Naked pictures of Bea Arthur. Also, there’s something hiding in the sun. I guess that’s a thing for Superman to take care of once he’s back. Just fly back into the sun again. That will help his grossly malfunctioning body.

On Cube Earth, Superman fills a wheelbarrow with “spaceship materials” (dirt and rocks). He tries to get all the Bizarros to help but they have room temperature IQs and opt to instead walk away laughing about the wheelbarrow. Zibarro tells Superman to stop being so stupid.

Superman runs and gets the Bizarros’ attention by waving his arms maniacally and speaking in their manner. “Me am no want you am listen!” he yells. It works. “Hurrh?” says one brainless Bizarro, turning around to look. They can’t wait to hear what he has to say next!

“ME AM OFFER BIZARROS CHANCE TO BE LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SLOBS,” Superman says with Bizarro-type reverse-Bizarro-psychology! “LOOK OVER THERE! ME AM NO OFFER BIZARRO CIVILIZATION A CHANCE TO MAKE MONUMENT TO LAST ALL TIME! CHANCE TO NO MAKE MOST USELESS, BORING FIREWORKS EVER FOR UNGLORY OF BIZARROS AND NO CELEBRATE ALL-NIGHT!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Me am no have a fucking headache right now.

So the Bizarros help him build a crappy spaceship while Zibarro sulks. Superman continues speaking in Bizarro opposites to get them to help, because the sun is getting redder and he’s starting to get demoted to the strength of a literal child. He’s sweating and crying on the ground like a nerd. Zibarro, unnerved by all the Bizarro talking, tells Superman to stop sinking to their level. Superman ignores him, and rightfully so!

Superman looks off into the far distance. “Zibarro! Look there! It’s some kind of fever dream…” And verily, he witnesses a melting, decomposing Bizarro-Green Lantern rising out from a hole in the ground. Then the Bizarro-Flash walking as slow as molasses. Maybe Bizarro-Batman will show up poor and homeless? Bizarro-Wonder Woman not being racist? The Bizarro-Justice League is ready for action, sir.

I’m continuing to hate this comic as Superman mopes around about how inefficient his Bizarro friends are. Things are looking up, though! “I’ve made a crude single-shot ion pulse engine from garbage — it only needs a simple heat source to activate it.” Zibarro hands him some parchment which I assume has spaceship schematics on it. Zibarro notices that Superman is getting weaker. Superman can barely lift a piece of parchment! Idiot.

Zibarro noticed something in the schematics. “There only seems to be room for one on your rocket ship,” he says with accusatory eyeballs. Superman is like “uh huh, yeah, uh” while stammering about how dangerous the mission will be. Don’t forget that Zibarro will do anything to get off the stinkin’ cube. He’ll even perform some extra-sloppy oral intercourse! Whattaya say? *slurp*

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

I’d even eat at Arby’s!

Superman promises that once he’s back and with his super yellow sun powers, he’ll promise to some day come help Zibarro maybe. Zibarro looks sad. Superman looks sweaty. “I know you think of yourself as a flaw, an imperfection, but you’re something more, Zibarro. You’re proof that Bizarro-Home is getting smarter.”

Oh boy. That and $1.50 will buy him a bag of Doritos. Zibarro finds this gratifying enough, I guess. Le-Roj exclaims that the All-Night is upon them by exclaiming that the All-Night is not upon them. You know, for Bizarro reasons. Superman has to hurry!

The Bizarros celebrate by singing an opposite version of the Star-Spangled Banner. Le-Roj conducts. Superman starts bleeding out his nose. The Bizarros finish their song. Superman collapses on the ground. We all have a good laugh.

After their enchanting song, the Bizarros now tell Zibarro to leave by telling him not to leave. The sad sack whines some more to Superman. “If you only knew how it felt to be so completely despised,” Zibarro moans. “This is my one and only chance to leave this horrible place forever.”

Superman is like, seriously, go fuck yourself Zibarro. Le-Roj professes his love for the other Bizarros as King of the Other Bizarros. Zibarro helps Superman up, as if this will gain him leverage to leave the godforsaken cube planet. Superman has almost been completely drained of his powers as Zibarro ropes him up to the shitty garbage rocket. He asks Superman if he appreciates his writing (?), to which Superman belts out a weak “sure, why not” and compliments his unique voice! “Keep it up. tell the story of the Bizarro-Home. Tell how they made the rocket ship… out of garbage… to shoot the traveler home.”

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

It’s like the works of Hawethorne and Faulkner and Whitman and Camus and Vonnegut and the guy who wrote The Da Vinci Code all in one!

It seems that Zibarro has already accepted his situation. You know, the one where he gets to live forever on a terrible planet full of dumb motherfuckers who hate him. Superman calls him a friend and he breaks down like a complete wuss. After a few panels of contrived goodbyes, the rocket gets launched…

Meanwhile, Quintum and Co. continue tracking Superman unsuccessfully. “The Bizarro Earth has gone beyond the range of our instruments. Down into the underverse, through the cold layer where time stands still, and beyond into the blazing unknown below. Superman saved us all. But he’s gone. I’m so sorry, Miss Lane.”

Lois makes a “buhhhhh daaaaaarrr” face about this.

That’s it. That’s the comic.

Final Thoughts

Thank the good lord Vampire Jesus that this Bizarro shit is over. Now we can move onto some real stories: Superman getting his fat penis stuck in a tiny gloryhole. Now there’s a comic.


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Star Wars: Master & Apprentice by Claudia Gray

Star Wars Storytime Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Star Wars: Master & Apprentice
by Claudia Gray

Publication Date:
April 16, 2019

Timeframe:
40 BBY

Synopsis:
The relationship between Jedi Master and Padawan is tumultuous as often as it is tight. Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi Wan Kenobi know this fact all too well. In the midst of their struggles to work together, Qui-Gon gets an offer that would allow them to part ways forever. However, after being sent on what may be their final mission together, Qui-Gon begins to have visions that casts everyone’s future into doubt.

Star Wars: Master & Apprentice

GUEST REVIEW!

Star Wars: Master & Apprentice

Special guest reviewer Rick Crumbles!

*takes a big, loud puff of his inhaler*

Greetings, Padawan! I am your Jedi Master, Qui-Gon Rick Crumbles, and I will take you through the whimsical journey that is Master & Apprentice. Sail with me on the seas of adventure and suspense as we navigate treacherous and thorny political gambits, morally ambiguous corporate decisions, and, of course, a whole lot of lightsaber wavin’!

*takes a big, loud puff of his inhaler*

Master & Apprentice is the best book I’ve ever read, and I own all the Harry Potters and all the Hunger Games and all the Goosebumps. This is better than all of them! As we all know, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi have had a tense relationship throughout their entire Jedi Big Brother program. Jinn is the big stick-in-the-mud, wise and boring rogue who stands up to the Jedi Council and gets in their faces and says “HEY! You guys are the pits!” Kenobi is the big stick-in-the-mud, wise and boring rule-follower who stands up to Qui-Gon Jinn and gets in his face and says “HEY! That’s not the Jedi way!” When Jinn gets invited to the Jedi Council, Kenobi feels betrayed and sad even though he has spent four whole years with Jinn and he hasn’t so much as taken him out for ice cream. Trust me when I say I had to suspend my disbelief for that part.

This new guy, this Rael Averross, he’s a true badass of the highest order. He doesn’t speak like a Jedi, he’s too good for that. Instead, he’s like “rawr I’m hankerin’ for some venison” or “you mean to tell me the dang ol’ princess is settin’ me up somethin’ fierce?” Averross gets mad at Qui-Gon for trying to push his prophecy vision nonsense on him, and Averross is like “now lookee here, Qui-Gon, but I ain’t gonna listen to no madman’s nightmares!” There’s a tale here that would be ripe for further backstory about Averross’ Padawan getting killed by a slicer dart, which is a thing that Claudia Gray made up but it sounds cool as shit, brah. It scrambles the victim’s brains so that they start doing unpredictable crazy stuff, like thrashing and kicking and repeatedly yelling about boning your mom. Apparently, this Padawan’s behavior was so erratic that Averross had to kill her. Cut her in half with his lightsaber. That’s badass, man. Rael Averross is a total baller.

Pax and Rahara? I could do without them. Pax was all like “nurrrrrr, indubitably we will need to maximize our profits nurrrrrrrrrrr“, and Rahara was all like “waaaah, muh old life as a slave.” A couple of whiners, if you ask me.

*takes a big, loud puff of his inhaler*

That’s all. I give this book six stars out of four, and I urge anyone with half a brain to go read this instead of Vonnegut or Chuck Palahniuk.

TOM’S REVIEW!

Star Wars: Kenobi

Tom, the Cool Guy

My third Star Wars book is the weakest so far, but still very, very enjoyable! Master & Apprentice focuses on Qui-Gon Jinn and a teenage Obi-Wan Kenobi’s tense, failing relationship. An offer to Qui-Gon to join the Jedi Council makes matters worse, as a Jedi Knight has never continued training with their Padawan after accepting such an offer. In short, Obi-Wan whines a lot and Qui-Gon spends a lot of time placidly being an accidental dickhead.

After finding Qui-Gon Jinn the best character from The Phantom Menace, I was excited to see more backstory fleshed out about his character and his relationship with Obi-Wan. This book has taught me that I don’t care that much about it, OR, more likely, that the complexities of their relationship was the least interesting part about a book that is also stuffed with intriguing political turmoil and corporate bullshittery. Czerka Corporation has had a contract with the Pijal system for centuries. They own a whole horde of legal slaves, which ain’t cool, and Pijal’s underage heir Princess Fanry seeks to end the contract. Harder than it sounds, since the Republic is wrapped up in approving a trading corridor around the system that will, like, be great for business. All the while, there’s a rogue terrorist organization — the Opposition — that aims to violently thwart Czerka and their influence on the Pijal system. OR DO THEY? See? Intriguing!

Master & Apprentice introduces (I think) Rael Averross, a retired Jedi Knight who carries himself more as a casual and crass everyman than the stoic and thoughtful Jedi that I’m used to seeing. He is lord regent of the planet of Pijal — appointed by the Republic — until heir Princess Fanry comes of age. I liked this guy! He has a good head on his shoulders, and he plays a good foil to Qui-Gon Jinn’s level-headed stubbornness. He and Jinn go way back when Qui-Gon was Dooku’s Padawan. He was an older brother figure to Jinn, and he thoroughly fucked with him on a regular basis. These are all things I can get behind. I also liked how on not one, but TWO occasions, he said something along the lines of “Jedi gotta bone once in a while, too, is all I’m saying. Nothing in the Jedi code about not bonin’.”

The book’s B-plot was tops, too, where the two best characters accidentally weave themselves into the drama of the Pijal/Czerka conflict by agreeing to work with the Jedi to investigate the Opposition. Pax Maripher and Rahara Wick are jewel thieves who engage in illegal gem trading of the galaxy. Pax was raised by 3PO droids, so he’s annoying and inadvertently callous and provides much of the story’s comic relief. Rahara Wick was a former Czerka slave, so she has very choice words about the evil corporation and its tendency to profit off of very cheap labor. These two are in love with each other and they both sort of know it. It’s cute.

SO WHAT ARE MY CRITICISMS? DIDN’T I SAY IT WAS WEAK? No, jerkface. I said it was the weakest by comparison, which doesn’t necessarily mean it’s weak. Keep up! For one thing, I thought the twist at the end was predictable, with Fanry being disgruntled with her lord regent and the Czerka Corporation and its motivations. Qui-Gon was pretty much ruling everyone out except her. What was I supposed to think, that multi-media mogul William Randolph Hearst was responsible for the terrorism? I also want to say that Claudia Gray’s writing style for adult fiction is very similar to her writing style for young adult fiction, which means that her writing it a little bit on the simple side. Kind of like mine! That’s a minor gripe, since I’m not expecting a work of Shakespeare here.

And the final 100 pages of the book are way better than the first 300. I wasn’t fully invested in the story until the day of Fanry’s coronation, which is a large amount of a book to get through before something really clicks. Good thing that these things only take four days to read.

WORTH A READ?

Sure, as long as you’re invested in the dynamic between Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi with more depth than what you find in The Phantom Menace. I thought I was, but then I realized I was more interested in a Qui-Gon Jinn backstory without the little Obi-Wan pisspants getting in the way! Or maybe I just read a whole book about Obi-Wan Kenobi and I’m tired of that jerk! In any case, the more interesting parts involved made-up characters, so maybe I just want a book in the Star Wars universe about brand new people.

That’s probably it.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “Teenage Wasteland (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 4 of the Teenage Wasteland storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 4)”! In the previous installment, He Who Calls Himself Topher starts making out with all the Runaway girls because he is apparently irresistable. He looks like shit to me, but who am I to judge?

Tom, that’s who.

The whole issue was spent bickering and fighting, and now Nico’s about to get bitten by a vampire. This is already the final issue of the story! My money is on the vampire.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #10 [March, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 4)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #10

Bronson Canyon, California – 2:58am

“AIIIIEEEEEEEEE!” shrieks Nico as our eyebrow-pierced vampire friend bares his pointy-ass fangs. He spills the beans about the robbery, that the other two weren’t his parents. They were his minions, “two lowlifes I turned years ago.”

“Since when do vampires rob convenience stores?” Nico asks, lightening up a tad. Topher is onto her: get him talking so she can bide her time and figure out how to thwart him. Nothing goin’, sister.

Topher reveals that he was born in 1900, which Nico thinks is gross because she kissed a 103-year-old man. Anyway, he made a lot of money during the Great Depression and lost it all in the dot-com crash, and he’s used to a LAVISH LIFESTYLE. So, yes, robbery. What of it?

“If I’ve learned one thing in my long life, it’s that angst-ridden brats like you always have parent issues,” Topher smiles, explaining his reasoning for the bullshit story about his own evil parents. He likes Nico, though! She’s got moxie! Spunk! Chutzpah! And Topher is going to turn her so that she can help him kill the rest of her friends! Booyah! “Too bad that scary magic wand is still trapped inside your perky little chest, huh? How are you going to stop me?”

Like this: *kick in the groin* *dildo in the butthole*

Besides, Topher can give her a special gift! Immortality! Living forever is the sweet life. Just ask Angel or Spike or Dracula or… the sparkly Twilight vampire. It doesn’t matter if Nico doesn’t want to be evil, she’s not going to care once she’s evil!

So Topher bites her, but if you recall, the staff came out of her body when she cut herself on her arm.

Ergo, when blood is shed…

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #10

IS THAT A STAFF IN YOUR CHEST OR ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME?! AAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

“Oww! Man… will you look at that. It went clean through me and out the other side!” Topher looks down at the hole in his chest, slightly inconvenienced by the ordeal. “Sorry kid. Whedon got it wrong. Stakes don’t kill vampires, they just give us heartburn.”

Well shit. Now what? Decapitation? A day in the sun? An afternoon of Dr. Phil? All three? Nope, a day in the sun it is. And, unfortunately, dawn is still three hours away.

“Hey, Toph!” yells a voice. “You’re off the team.” It’s Alex with a torch, and he starts whipping it at Topher Grace, knocking him out. Nico has a staff in her chest and is happy to see him! She hugs him and tells him she loves him. He returns the love. Time to run before Eric Foreman regains vampire consciousness!

”The Hostel” — 3:14am

Molly, Chase, and Gert are fast asleep when Alex and Nico arrive hollering about getting the hell out of there. The three of them think it’s one, big, fatass joke. But, no, Topher’s a dang vampire and he knows where they all live and it’s time to am-scray. Not part of The Pride as far as they can tell, but he’s still an evil goose and he he knows where they all live and it’s time to am-scray.

“Well, look who came crawling back,” Karolina says, frowning, as she descends the stairs into the main room. Still salty about that Topher love, eh? Well, cut it out! Karolina, he knows where they live and it’s time to am-scray! When asked if Karolina can use her special alien lightbulb powers to fly her to safety, Karolina thinks she’s tapped out for the day until the sun comes back up again.

They don’t get to am-scray.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #10

In what? In a pickle? Because, sir, you’re about to get briny! Or something.

“You forgot to fetch your stick, dog.” Topher waves the staff around willy-nilly, then smacks Nico across the room with it with a THWACK. Chase tries to douse Topher in fire with his high-tech gloves, but Topher is unharmed. “You’re even more stupid than your friends think you are,” Topher says before THWACKing him across the room next.

Now it’s Gert’s turn! She sics her dinosaur at him, but he handily grabs his tail and flips him over, crashing him through a table. This fucks with Gert’s “empathetic connection”, which is something I didn’t know she had with the dinosaur until this very moment.

Alex starts taking off a ring that is probably important, but he takes too long and Topher KRACKs him across the room. That just leaves Karolina and the currently sleeping Molly. Karolina insists that Topher bites her instead of Molly, but Topher thinks blondes are stringy and gross!

“Come on, Topher. I want you to kill me.” And it’s for a stupid reason: she doesn’t want to live in the world where there’s people like Topher and her parents and her friends’ parents and everyone’s parents and Ed Sheeran. “I’m not a good person. I just don’t want to be around to get worse.”

*jerkoff motion*

Topher gives Karolina a hickey.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Mmmm, tastes like chicken if chicken tasted like people.

And then Topher instantly recoils. “What the…? Sunlight. Your blood burns like…”

Flames start shooting out of his eyes and mouth. Then it’s out of control. Then he explodes into a pile of whatever.

“Did Topher just… spontaneously combust?” asks Gert.

“Karolina, how did you know your blood would do that to him?” asks Alex.

“I… I didn’t. I meant every word I–”

Before Karolina can finish the thought that she’d rather die than live…

[TOM’S NOTE: Remember when The Pride said that one of the kids is a mole? I think we may have found our mole. Just a hunch.]

…Molly wakes up with a jolt. Well, she’s been awake since Topher was biting Karolina’s neck. Ughh, things are too fucked up! Molly wants to see her mom and dad again.

“I know, Molly,” Nico says, hugging her. “I know.”

Los Angeles, California – The Next Morning

The Pride has tracked down Topher’s minions and they now hang upside from chains in a warehouse of sorts. They claim they don’t know where their kids are. They swear! “They took off with The One Who Fathered Us!”

Too bad Topher’s dead now. The two minion vampires can sense when one of their own gets slain.

OK, so they don’t know where their kids are. That’s fine. Mr. Minoru opens the room and lets in the sunlight. Dust. Ash. Pooped pants.

“Is it possible? Could our offspring have murdered one of these things?” asks Dr. Mrs. Hayes.

“You feeling it, too?” asks Mr. Yorkes.

“Indeed…” responds Dr. Mrs. Hayes. Then she smiles. “Pride.”

Final Thoughts

Does killing a vampire constitute murder? Would any jury convict anyone for such a thing? I’ve killed at least a million and I ain’t in the clink yet, dagnabbit.

Story’s over! We have a two-issue story coming up that I’ll right away, then I’ll onto UNCLE FEELY’S X-RATED PORNO COMIC EXTRAVAGANZA!!

Or maybe some more Ms. Marvel or something.


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