Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Book II: Shadows and Secrets storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Darth Vader returns to Tatooine to find nothing of importance with respect to Luke’s whereabouts and/or finding him and/or anything to do with his dietary habits. He and Doctor Aphra shove off to a planet called Son-tuul where they kill an entire clan and steal millions of monies from their vault. The Empire has become just a tad richer!…

…except Doctor Aphra returns to Son-tuul to a seedy bar full of bounty hunters and lets them know, hey, the Imperials have stolen a bunch of money from the Son-tuul Pride and she knows exactly where it’s going and how to stop them and how to get the money and how to get away. “Who wants to be rich?” she says, smiling.

SNAKE IN THE GRASS, THIS LADY! I think I’m in love!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [October, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 2)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8

I like Aphra’s tattoo. Reminds me of Juliette’s tattoos from Silo, which I recommend whole-heartedly.

On Anthean Prime, at the edge of the Outer Rim, Aphra flies her craft toward what appears to be a moonlike satellite orbiting the planet. She not only flies toward it, but she blows the fucker up with the push of a button, breaking it up into thousands of pieces. This causes the nearby Imperial ship (with the stash) to get bombarded with debris, shorting out their defense systems and radar and sonar and elephant detection equipment and their vending machine.

“For the next five minutes, the Imperials will think their systems being down is a side effect of the collisions,” Aphra says, which is exactly what I thought for five minutes as well, but now the egg is surely on my face. “Let’s go to work.”

The crew on Aphra’s craft gears up and boards the Imperial ship. They open a giant stupid manhole cover and drop themselves in. Looking for the vault, they arrange for the crew’s quarters to be locked up. “Make sure it looks like a localized malfunction,” Aphra says, knowing her way around making anything look like a localized malfunction, including Janet Jackson’s clothes.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Yeah, well, salt beats slug. Checkmate.

They find the vault and prepare themselves for a slew of mechanized security droids to come in the room and salt their slugs, so to speak. Aphra’s ready, though. She’s smiling! She rolls a flash bomb into the room, which goes off and shorts out all the droids’ circuitry. NOW! MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! The bounty hunters enter the room and start blasting the droids further with the blaster guns. Salting their slugs, as it were.

They only have a few more minutes to wrench that vault door open before the Imperial crew gets the door open and finds them and peppers their snails. The bounty hunter called Bossk ain’t afraid! But Aphra kindly lets him know that they’ll have to blow the whole ship up to cover their tracks if they get to that point, so let’s not let anybody see us, m’kay?

So this is what happens next: the door does not get wrenched open, but rather the Wookiee Krrsantan, who is driving Aphra’s craft, if it even belongs to her in the first place, blows up another big chunk of asteroid which bangs into the Imperial ship, splits open the hull, and causes millions of these so-called “credit ingots” to spill out into the sky. This was apparently on purpose. Sounds risky! Let’s keep reading.

OK, so this is what happens: BT-1 (the evil R2-D2) is able to generate a strong magnetic field in order to SCOOP UP THE LOOT.

They don’t get all of it though. They don’t even get most of it. All they get are two big boxes worth.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8

You done fucked up, Aphra.

Look on the bright side! The Empire got hosed here any way you slice it. And they don’t even know whodunit. Divvy it all up, friends! And they do, but the bounty hunter warns Aphra that they had better not find out they were double-crossed in any way or else they’ll stuff her head up her butt and then shoot her in the headbutt.

“You know I’ve got a fairly lax attitude about property rights,” she says, “but do you think I’d cross four of the deadliest bounty hunters in the galaxy?”

“I think you’d think about it,” says the one named Bossk. “Then ssslink away.”

Ha! Funny funny! Oh you men, you! Let’s try this again soon; Darth Vader’s got another job coming up. Hee hee hee. Tee hee.

On a nearby moon of Anthan Prime, it is revealed that Aphra helped Krrsantan suck up an enormous amount of credit ingots into a satellite. She promises five times his score to “help him with his problem”, which I’m guessing even Preparation H can’t fix. But, hey, double-crossing three bounty hunters appeared to be the way to go! No deathwish from this lady, that’s for damn sure.

Vader approaches from the depths of the moon. “I promised the Wookiee help finding the people responsible for cutting him up,” Aphra tells him, which is also news to me. “Any chance of helping me out?”

Darth Vader does his trademark intimidating “wearing a helmet” face. “We will see,” he says.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8

A man of few words, this guy.

He was behind this all along as well! Now they have a droid factory, a gaggle of bounty hunters, and money to pay them! Next, Vader needs some information on Luke Skywalker. That asshole Luke Skywalker. Grrrr, that guy really burns his pot roast.

Ugh, let’s table that Luke Skywalker asshat for now. First, a special mission for Aphra, and she gets exactly one month to carry it out. “If you do not contact me within a month, I will contact you,” Vader tells her, walking away. “That is not something you would enjoy.”

Ooooooh, the big scary man strikes again! When Vader walks away, O-O-O the protocol droid finds it quite interesting that he himself didn’t receive a cut! Aphra tells him that his joy in his work is a cut enough! LOL!

Meantime, things are blowing up on Mygeeto, Son-tuul, and Anthan 14. Death and destruction and the ripping up of Pokémon cards. Darth Vader gets briefed on something called “the Plasma Devils”, a criminal organization that is still “defiantly active”. “To crush them is our main remaining task before we can move on…”

Grand General Sideburns motions to the Astarte twins, Morit and Aiolin, who were introduced in Issue #5 and probably have sex with each other. They will be in charge of crushing the plasma devils. Or maybe I should be capitalizing that. THE PLASMA DEVILS. That’s better!

Some Admiral Ackbar-looking punk named Karbin contests this decision. The twins are soft and squishy, it should be a strong, tough lobster who crushes THE PLASMA DEVILS. Grand General Sideburns is like “no” and has something special planned for Karbin! *pushes him into a giant food processor*

Barring that, find the one who destroyed the Death Star and capture/kill him! Easy peasy lemon sq–

“NO,” says Adolph “Adolph Hitler” Vader. “The task is mine. My grudge with this rebel is personal. I will hunt the pilot down and deliver him to the Emperor personally.”

The lady called Tulon who looks all modified like the Borg tells Vader that this isn’t a mission to salve the wounds of his failure! Oh snap! Let someone more qualified take the task! Like her!

Tagge “Sideburns” Magoo tells Tulon AND Vader that they both are too emotionally invested and would be terrible fucking choices. Abysmal. Worse than poop.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #8

You are both crybabies and I’m going to throw both of you down a well if you don’t behave.

Tagge has research-related missions for Tulon. As for Vader, find it who stole all those credit ingots from the Son-tuul Pride and punish them severely for their crimes against… uh… credit ingots.

Vader puts his head down all mopey like. “As you wish, Grand General.” I’m wondering how he’s going to get himself out of this immense dill pickle. Claussen, of course. Not Vlasic. Vlasic fucking sucks.

“And that brings the meeting to a close. You have your tasks. You’re dismissed. I await your successful reports with interest.” Tagge goes back to his own task of randomly touching areas of holographic images.

Oh, and by the way, Vader. There’s a new guy here that’s going to keep an eye on you. I know the old one was some sort of mole, but I swear this new guy is better. He’s also Black, so you can’t do anything to him without it being racist. His name is Inspector Thanoth. “As the Emperor wishes,” Vader says with an air of despondency to his breathy, sexy voice.

And quite an inspector he is! When Thanoth and Vader are alone, Thanoth is perceptive enough to observe that Vader is covered in the exact kind of moon dust from Anthan 14? Coincidence? I think not, good sir! Enjoy your Claussen pickle!

“Lord Vader,” Thanoth looks sheepishly. “I’m not a sycophant, traitor, or – worst of all – an incompetent like Oon-Ai. I’m a professional investigator. And this? A simple case. Larceny is the least of the great crimes. Mark my words, we’ll have tidied this away in days.”

Vader is like hurf de durf we shall see, idiot.

Final Thoughts

Vader is trying to get away with something here and he’s not very slick. It’s kind of funny to see this horrible dude try to maintain his stoic tough guy demeanor while he keeps getting undermined by a nerd like Palpatine. Anakin Skywalker has always been dumb.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 49: “What Was Meant to Be”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

HE AWAKENS! Rand is dizzy and woozy and Min is sitting there with him with her hand NOT in his pants! Come on, now! They left Falme almost a week ago; Egwene was freed. The boys and girls are returning the Horn of Valere to the White Tower and continue some Aes Sedai training. The girls are. Not the boys. No boys allowed.

Rand’s cauterized side wound won’t respond to Moiraine’s healing powers. Yes, that’s right, Moiraine is showing her face after all these *checks notes* months? Years? I don’t know how long they’ve been walking around. Rand tells her to go screw. Moiraine says that she’s been hanging around doing more than he’ll ever know.

Rand beats himself up about not confronting Padan Fain. He was part of the whole mission and he FUCKED it up! The girls beat him to it! Moiraine informs him, please and thank you, that running into Fain would’ve been hella bad news bears. He’s dangerous, sir, and he’s been twisted and misshapen by that Mordeth dude from Shadar Logoth. So you best stay away from him. He also smells like rotten onions, so there’s also that.

Rand thinks he finally killed the Dark One. Moiraine is like “fat chance”. Something about not being bound anymore, that’s a really big problem. Plus, Rand, you guys fought in the sky! Did you know that? You fought in the sky and every lookie-loo in town was watching. Now the word spreading across the land: The Dragon fought the Dark One. Gleemen, even the more pedophilic of the gleemen, will sing songs and tell tales for generations to come!

Here are other things that aren’t good:
-The Black Ajah are back after thousands of years. They’re not nice!
-Cairhien is in a civil war for some reason. Wear the right colors!
-Two broken Aes Sedai seals were discovered in Turak’s manor. Break them all and the Dark One is free as a clam!

So that sets up Book 3 nicely, doesn’t it? All of Rand’s buddies will stick with him through thick and thin (even Loial the Goat Boy).

There’s one chapter left, but it looks short.


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All-Star Superman, Issue #7 – “Being Bizarro”

* Part 7 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #7 – “Being Bizarro”! And I’m back at it after a brief break, having just subjected myself to New 52 Catwoman voluntarily. Yeesh.

In the previous installment, I don’t remember anymore! I guess my brief break was too long! Something about a chronovore and multiple Supermen. It’s was probably dumb and not worth remembering anyway.

This is supposed to be a good miniseries but it sucks! It sucks a lot and I feel ripped off, Grant Morrison, you aging bald jerkass.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7 [June, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Being Bizarro”

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

Oh, look at the cover art. Bizarro Superman looks like a lumpy, wrinkled old man. Superman is beating up an old man! How noble! What’s next, kicking old ladies in wheelchairs down the stairs? What a menace to society!

Remember Mr. Quintum? Well, I barely do, but I can tell you that he’s looking for a “missing Bizarro technician” and if he doesn’t, then it’s CURTAINS for the lot of them. He and his assistant, whom I don’t remember whatsoever, are in an alternate reality called the Underverse. The conditions are shit, and it’s impossible to tell what the hell is going on. I blame the artist, a person they found in a McDonald’s dumpster scrounging for delicious rats.

“Tell them I think there may be a lifeform down here,” Quintum radios to, like, Ground Control, or something. “Something big. Coming closer.”

Meanwhile, Superman is fighting a space squid. In space! The squid suddenly floats away for reasons that are not readily apparent. Superman makes a really dumb “buhhhh” face, turns around, and heads back toward Earth. Suddenly, a big swarm of Bizarro beings intercept the caped crusader and sends Superman off-course into a cube-shaped Earth-like planet. Bizarro Earth! Oh snap, ladies and gentleman, the Cubes will rend Superman asunder! Verily!

Jimmy Olsen is at a party, dressed like a slob, with fat men like Perry White and scantily-clad women like whatshername from the Daily Planet building. Karen? Constance? Taylor Swift? Olsen looks out the window and sees humanoid objects entering Earth’s atmosphere and slamming into the ground with excessive, sexy force. “Guys, the holiday season just got bent,” he says like he’s Bart Simpson wearing sunglasses. “Chief! Everybody should proceed to the roof, I’m serious.”

Chief Perry Mason White doesn’t want to haul his obese ass to the roof! Far from it! It’s going to take more than a bunch of Bizarros to ruin this “fancy” Christmas par–

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

On second thought, maybe we should call it a night.

So a blank Bizarro slate grabs the fat woman’s face and Bizarros its way into a veritable lookalike contest. “Great Caeser’s ghost!” Perry White exclaims like a grandma from 1820. He starts smacking the shit out of the Bizarro with a fire extinguisher and politely asks Olsen to get in touch with *pulls out phone book* Superman.

Bizarro Fat Lady tries to attack a guy and falls out of the 17928-story window. The guy is like “don’t worry guys, she touched me but I’m immune to the persuasive powers of the Bizarro” while Perry White looks like he’s about to smack another bitch with the fire extinguisher. Olsen tries to get Superman on the horn with no luck (probably because he’s sucking dicks on the Cube Planet).

Bizarros are taking over the city. It’s not a pretty sight. All lumpy and misshapen. Enough to make a man cry.

A Superman-like figure crashes to the ground from the sky, but something… looks… off… about………… him.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

Our hero!

Conveniently, the real Superman flies on down to Earth all like “EVERYONE IS SAFE NOW!” even though no one is fucking safe. Not by a long shot. Bizarro Superman breathes fire on him, but Superman is impervious to flames just like he is for bullets, blunt force trauma, drowning, falling air conditioners, and black holes. “I’LL TRY OUT ONE OF MY NEW POWERS!” Superman yells befuddlingly. Then he zaps Bizarro Superman with electricity.

He asks Bizarro Superman what the Bizarros want today. Bizarros never organize like this! They usually flounder around like fishes!

“AM NO WANT FIGHT YOU! WANT ALL YOU AM NO BECOME BIZARRO!” the thing yells, confusing us all. Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen and his ragtag team of frightened Daily Planet employees scamper to the roof of the building while lumpy Bizarro creatures give chase. Olsen talks about hacking the commercial blimp network in case he needed to impress a girl. Can you imagine?! “The commercial blimp network”. I’m laughing at that. Nothing gets a woman horny like a blimp.

There’s a fucking blimp waiting for the them on the roof. They all board the blimp. A goddamned blimp, guys.

Bizarro Superman flies into space for, again, reasons that probably make sense to only the most stalwart of Superman fans. Olsen tries to get in touch with P.R.O.J.E.C.T. via his Apple Watch. Quintum is like, ugh, this little pisspants again? Fuuuck. Quintum tells the kid that they’re currently dealing with a planet eater (!) and that they’re trying to disguise itself as the Earth (?) and that the sun makes it nauseous so it’s only attacking Earth’s dark side (!).

Jimmy Olsen is like, ok, let’s just find some sunlight then. Badabing badaboom fuhgettaboutit.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

Are you for real right now? What the FUCK are you even talking about?

Superman grabs the blimp and flies it to the side of a very, very cold mountain. A barely-dressed Lois wants Superman to wait up, but Superman is like “Sorry, Lois, I was tied up with the Nebulon Monsters from Planet Kurntz who are actively attempting to turn the nanobots into picobots in order to infiltrate our precious, delicate capillaries and steal blood for the Moon God of Earthly Delights.”

Perry White flags down Superman and tells him that Lombard here *jabs thumb toward jackass* seems to be immune to the touch of the Bizarros. Superman says “ok great!” and he sticks his dick in Lombard’s mouth. And then Superman requests a look inside him with his keen x-ray analysis powers. “Hmm. I can see what made you immune,” Superman says, eyes glowing blue. And then he implies that it’s Lombard’s viagra that is staving off the Bizarros. That gets another lol from me, friends!

Jimmy Olsen tells Superman that sunlight can hurt them. Because, you know, the sun and stuff. “I’m thinking… if we had a gigantic space mirror…” he says dumbly. “Couldn’t we reflect the sun’s rays across the Earth’s night hemisphere?” Olsen raises a finger smartly.

Superman sticks his stick in Jimmy Olsen’s mouth and then tells him that it’s a great idea. All they need is a GIGANTIC SPACE MIRROR, you fucking dingus. Superman’s idea is to move some of the Bizarro planet’s HUGE oceans! Olsen smiles like this makes any goddamned sense.

Lois tells Superman not to go, but he must! He says “Merry Christmas” and then bolts away like Uncle McTouchy-Feely after he’s caught fondling the children after Christmas dinner.

Superman flies to the Cube Earth and blows up a mountain. This somehow lights up Cube Earth and hits all the Bizarros with sunlight. Bizarro Superman is sad that the fight is over. Superman is like “believe it, buddy”. Go back to the underverse from whence you came, scum.

Apparently, the Cube Earth is now “burrowing into the cosmic sink beneath regular Earth’s universe”, which means the gravitational pull is increasing and the sunlight is receding to the red end of the spectrum, which means Superman’s powers are waning and disintegrating and disappearing and obliterating and sequestering. “Bizarro, I need your help or I’ll die here and leave my world in danger!” Superman cries. This is dumb.

Bizarro doesn’t want to help. End of story.

“But one in every 5 billion copies is flawed,” Bizarro mansplains. “Unique. Different. Not mindless like these shambling mockeries – but sensitive and self-aware. Suffering, alone in a world of confusion.

Superman asks who he’s talking about as a large figure looms over them.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

*farts for an eternity*

Final Thoughts

This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read, holy shit. Why does every Superman comic have to be so mind-shittingly awful? Jesus.

See you next time, fun-lovers!


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 48: “First Claiming”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Falme is full of people running around all willy-nilly, scared and horny. Min frantically looks for her crew, but Eggy, Nynny, and Layney are nowhere to be found. She looks toward the harbor and doesn’t see Bayle Domon’s ship anymore (maybe). Then she finds a house that she is drawn toward due to her weird Sight and finds an unconscious Rand in the back garden. His hand is branded by the heron from the sword hilt. He has a cauterized wound on his side. He must be feverish, but that bitch is ice-cold!

Min drags Rand’s limp, 7’8″ body to a bed inside and covers him up. After Min realizes that Rand isn’t warming up, she’s like “I BETTER GET INTO THE BED WITH HIM” and then she knocks over nightstands and lamps and clocks leaping into the bed. She looks in his ramshackle face and starts monologuing about how she finds Rand so interesting in spite of literally everything about him. His appearance, his personality, his background, his lack of skills and talents, his breath that smells like sheep shit. Damn the Pattern and the Web and the Wheel and all the other forces that are bringing her to him! Damn them! DAMN! DAMN DAMN DAMN!

While Min fondles Rand’s balls, probably, Egwene is spotted in the doorway. Whoops! Egwene explains that she and Elayne were drawn to this room somehow. There’s a whole “WHICH WOMAN WILL RAND CHOOSE” conversation even though that’s a very boring conversation. Like, who gives a shit. I don’t. Rand can marry a bag of flour.

A voice from the door perks up Min after Egwene leaves. A beautiful woman enters the room dressed in all white (Selene, likely) and she reveals herself to be the dreaded Lanfear! Oh no! At least I think she’s dreaded. I don’t know much about Lanfear yet other than she’s bossy as shit. She tells Min that Rand’s HER man and she best stay away else she’ll shoot her in the face like Alec Baldwin. But… like… take care of him while she’s gone, k? Great.

Bornhald is dead! The end.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Teenage Wasteland (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 4 of the Teenage Wasteland storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the kid from the convenience store robbery is named Topher and the crew scoops him up to join their own team. “Topher” is the worst name ever and I would’ve personally left him to get scooped up by the police and then judged by God!

Topher spends about two minutes in the hideout before he and Nico start sucking each other’s faces in Nico’s room. Alex spies on them through a painting on the wall! Scandalous!

Meanwhile, Alex’s parents have received the convenience store surveillance footage and know that their kid and his friends are hanging out near Los Feliz. A spanking is coming forthwith!

The Runaways have no real gameplan yet other than “run away” and “entangle themselves in relationship drama”, so I don’t think there’s going to be much more going on here in Issue #9 either. Call it a hunch.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [February, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 3)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #9

”The Hostel”, Bronson Canyon, California – 2:35am

Don’t these kids get any sleep? 2:35am? Why are we making out at 2:35am when we could be getting a GOOD NIGHT’S REST like normal out-of-control children?

Yes, Nico and Topher are locking lips while Alex is hiding six feet away. “Why?…” he whispers to himself, forgetting some easy answers like “why not” and “because you’re boring”.

“Topher, stop,” Nico says, pushing him away like so much rotting, stinking fruit. “This… this isn’t right.” Confusing teenage hormone stuff! The prospect of penises and vaginas CO-MINGLING really fucks a kid up like that.

“Ahem… Everything okay up here?” Alex has entered the room, glaring. Nico says everything is fine. Topher gets up to go to the bathroom right in his diaper. Also, he’s out of here to find a room. Bye.

“Nico, you and I need to talk,” Alex says, brow furrowed. He’s gonna lay down some MAN shit on her, probably. Like HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO A NICE GUY LIKE ME?! Pathetic.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group are getting themselves into some very exciting shenanigans.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Yeah, well, he’s working his way up to pentagons.

Talkback uses his gloves to create a fiery stick figure with a dress right as Topher enters the room. “GAHHH!” he is heard to yelp. “Did you see that?! It was some kind of… of flaming monkey!” And, of course, Talkback takes offense to this. “It wasn’t a monkey, new kid. It was a blazing samurai.”

Monkeys and blazing samurai aside, Molly/Bruiser is sleeping and everyone needs to pipe down while she snores and drools all over everybody. At least one kid is sleeping like she should.

What am I, the sleep police?

Yes.

“Speaking of which,” says Topher, “it’s almost three in the morning. When do the rest of you… rest?”

“I saw my parents kill a girl, and then I found a dinosaur in my basement,” Gert responds. “I haven’t slept in four days.”

Talkback’s got the right idea on his new routine: stay up until 7am, listen to Howard Stern, then sleep for nine hours. Fucking A, dude. A man after my own heart!

Topher goes to bed. Talkback is nice for a panel and assures Topher that they’ll find his parents. Good night, buttercup.

Back to Nico and Alex? *GRROOOAAN* Nico this, Alex that, Nico did something unforgivable, Alex knows, Nico asks why, Alex says he saw, Nico gets mad and accuses him of spying on her, Alex backpedals, Nico says that maybe she’s glad she kissed Topher, Alex is hurt, Nico disappears in a puff of smoke. We’ve all had this kind of interaction before.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

You’re so cute when you’re waving around your terrifying crimson vape staff.

Now Talkback is sleeping along with Bruiser. Arsenic is annoyed. Alex pops in to ask Arsenic if she’s seen Nico. Arsenic is like “You mean Sister Grimm?” Alex tells her to shut the fuck up and huff puff he’ll find her himself. Thanks for nothing, Purple Hair.

Meanwhile, Nico hides by an upstairs banister, angrily spying on Alex. I love teenage drama, don’t you? Really gets me going.

Topher ambles the hallways and bumps into Lucy in the Sky in her own quarters. Topher apologizes. “I’ve been trying to find a place to sleep, but every room looks like it’s about to collapse in this wing.”

So he enters to room and they bond a little bit. Topher likes her Lucy in the Sky nickname because he likes the Beatles. Lucy in the Sky barely likes the Beatles and she barely listens when he keeps talking about the Beatles. Then she sniffs back tears.

Lucy in the Karolina tries to hold it back, but Topher in the Bedroom is curious. Alien shit, dude. There’s been a lot to take in over the last few days. “See, it’s not just my parents. I’m also trying to deal with the fact that I’m an al—a mutant. The fact that I’m a mutant.”

Oh, hot damn! Mutants are totally sexy! He tries to make her feel better, but she’s in full-on rant mode now. “And to make matters worse, I think I’m starting to… to fall for somebody here, but they’re already interested in somebody else.”

I’m fucking glad that she immediately denies it’s Alex, because that kid seriously sucks. It’s not Topher either, because he’s too new and he smells like old bologna. “But… maybe you are sorta cute? I guess?” She bites her lip. “I just want to feel normal, you know? I want something to feel the way it’s supposed to feel.”

Then she jumps his bones. Lays a wet one right on him. And now it’s Nico’s turn to be the spier!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Man, just give me two minutes alone in a room with Topher and I might just kiss him next.

“This isn’t… I don’t even know what’s going on. I was just trying to help Karolina deal with the face that she’s a mutant, and–”

“Oh. Is that what she told you she is?”

Whoops! Uh-oh! Shit’s going south fast! Before Nico has a chance to spill the beans, Karolina rips off her diabetes bracelet and because shiny and fly-y. “Be quiet!” she yells, blasting Nico with light. Topher’s getting nervous and tells her to relax, because that’s always a good idea. Telling a woman to relax.

Nico counters with a staff blast of mud to Karolina’s face.

“What is wrong with you?” Karolina asks.

“Me?! You’re the one kissing my guy!”

“Your guy? What about Alex? How many guys do you have?”

Heh, well, Topher picked a bad day to insert himself in this little drama club. Next, Arensic the Gert enters the room with her dinosaur. “Knock it the #*@% off! Have both of you gone completely insane-o?”

Karolina and Nico point to each other. “She started it!”

Gertsenic turns to Topher. “I don’t know how you sucked all the girl power out of this place so fast, sport, but maybe you should just–”

Eat a sandwich? Gert doesn’t get to finish. Nico starts screaming – the staff has lodged itself back in her chest. Karolina freaks out, but Alex now enters the room…

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

I’m burning this hellhole to the ground and taking you all with me.

“Nico and I figured out that her body reabsorbs her staff after every couple of uses.”

Cool story, bro. Nobody asked you to show up and MANSPLAIN everything, dude. Nico barrels out of there angry. Gert urges Alex not to follow her. Give her some space. Let her play a little hacky sack. Maybe some Nintendo. I know there’s one in this collapsed hotel somewhere, right? Who’s up for a little Super Mario Bros. 3? Eh? Eh?

Meanwhile, Alex’s parents are still poring over their computer, this time trying I identify the convenience store robbers. Perhaps two of them are mutants due to their strength, speed, and dashing good looks. The Drs. Hayes, with whom the Wilders are having a nice little Skype call, disagree. “These lowlifes probably just stumbled onto a cursed artifact, or… or a radioactive meteorite. You know, the usual.”

Feh. Wilder turns to Ms. Dean through a magic mirror, who resents the notion that they could be aliens. Aliens wouldn’t do piddling crimes like robbing 7-Eleven, come on now.

Feh. Wilder turns to Mr. Stein, who found out that there are fingerprints from 1939 on the recovered weapons.

Feh. Wilder turns to Mrs. Yorkes, who denies that time-travelers are responsible. “As far as I know, Dale and I are the only time-travelers who have pierced the fourth dimension during the last temporal phase.

Feh feh feh. The Minorus have an idea of what’s going on here. They turn to Wilder: “…but we don’t think you’re going to like it.”

We end with Topher following Nico through the woods. Alone. Nico apologizes for her behavior, but Nico tells her to think nothing of it. “Hey, you want to know a secret?” Topher smiles. “Those two people I was with at the Circle A… they weren’t really my parents, and they didn’t get their powers from some ‘industrial accident’.”

They, in fact, got their powers from Topher!

*dun dun dun*

Topher, who bares his teeth, showing razor-sharp vampire fangs…

Final Thoughts

Oh dags, dude, have we entered the Buffyverse? This is Los Angeles after all. Maybe Angel will show up and cry.


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