Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Lost and Found (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 2 of the Lost and Found storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Lost and Found (Part 1)”! In the previous storyline, the kids accidentally invite a vampire kid named Topher into their hostel hideaway. After making out with both Nico and Karolina, he sets his sights on Nico to turn her and help him kill her friends.

It doesn’t work! Karolina allows Topher to chew on her neck for a bit, unleashing a torrent of sunlight-tinged blood! Needless to say, Topher bursts into flames.

The parents, aka The Pride, learn that their kids murdered a vampire. Maybe these kids have what it takes to be part of The Pride after all! Is it going to happen? We’ll probably never know! It’s a new storyline, chumps!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #11 [April, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Lost and Found (Part 1)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #11

Parker Center, LAPD Headquarters – 9:09pm

A detective named Lieutenant Flores, who I guess is a lieutenant and not a detective, is playing detective with a guy in a hood and a woman wearing an outfit that stupidly reveals various parts of her torso. “So wait, you’re telling me that drugs turned you into superheroes? That can’t make you popular with the parent groups.”

“Popularity has never been a concern of Cloak and Dagger,” says the shrouded one.

Cloak and Dagger aren’t junkies, your honor. These drugs were forced upon them by evil men. They now have powers over light and darkness as a result of these evil men. These evil men took advantage of them because they ran away from their parents! They were vulnerable! They were young! They were probably a little horny, too.

This is good timing, because Lieutenant Flores wants to take advantage of them to find some other young kids who ran away from their parents! Flores shows them a picture of Molly, a young girl who had allegedly been kidnapped by other kids: Alex Wilder, Nico Minoru, and Gertrude Yorkes! Maybe even others! Kids these days, eh? Always stealing other children away from their homes.

Cloak and Dagger think this shit is baloney. Kids don’t kidnap kids. Kids don’t run away in groups. All this is fishy and it stinks like fish.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #11

Watch your tongue, Pee-wee Herman.

“Please, I wouldn’t have asked you two to travel all the way from New York if I didn’t think you were the Hayes girl’s last hope,” Flores says, sweating like a WHORE in CHURCH hahaha that’s a funny thing dads say sometimes.

OK, they’ll do it. Bye.

Once Cloak and Dagger leave, the still sweating Flores calls Mr. Wilder immediately and tells him that things are going well! He is pleased as punch to inform Wilder that their kids will be back like a WHORE in CHURCH.

”The Hostel”, Bronson Canyon, California – 10:15pm

The kids lie around bored. Chase observes that their situation, as he puts it, “bites.” Alex tells him to STFU because he’s trying to decipher the Abstract with his brainy brain. He’s only a few chapters away from figuring out the origin of the Pride! Something about secret handshakes and Freemason-style hazing rituals (pouring acid down one’s pants).

What the fuck does any of this matter anyway? Cracking the code of some book isn’t going to help stop their parents from… *checks notes* …being evil.

Nico stands up, and the new artist has made her look like Robert Smith of the Cure. “I’m sick and tired of moping around this dump! We have all of this… this power. We should be doing something with it. Something good!”

Molly agrees! “Yeah, like freeing all the turtles at Sea World…”

Alex doesn’t want to leave. They might be found. Nico argues that staying in one spot might make that problem worse. “What are we supposed to do?” Alex says. “Just head out and look for trouble?” Chase says they can go on patrol! Kickin’ rad!

Fine, whatever. They need more snacks anyway.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #11

I wanna dress up as Big Bird.

The Wilder Residence, Malibu, California – 10:31pm

The parents are having another one of their orgies / discussions. Mr. Stein reports that he was able to counterfeit the new $50 bill! EVIL! With that out of the way, what of the children?

The Drs. Hayes with their glowing purple mutant eyeballs are looking forward to hearing from their mole. They haven’t heard from them yet, and they don’t even know which kid is the mole, but rest assured. One of the kids is the mole (Molly. I thought it was Karolina before, but it’s totally gonna be Molly.)

Also, when all the kids are back, the Drs. Hayes will use their mutant powers to erase all of their memories! Ha! Easy peasy. And, dare I say, lemon squeezy.

“Mind wiping?” exclaims Mrs. Yorkes. “Don’t be insane! That procedure leaves half of its subjects totally brain dead!” Well, we won’t have to worry about Chase, then! LOLOLOL!

Mr. Wilder slams his fist down on the desk! ENOUGH! BLRAHRABHAB! We’ve got Lieuteneant Flores here to help out! He’s got something to say. Lieutenant Flores, you have the floor.

…

Ahem…

…

BLRAHRABHAB! “I got to thinking, what’s the best way to find a bunch of missing teenage do-gooders? With other runaway superheroes, right?” Flores smiles smugly. “Takes a thief to catch a thief, and all that.”

So he hired Cloak and Dagger to–

The whole room stares cloaks and daggers at Flores. “You brought vigilantes? To our town?” Mrs. Wilder sneers. Then she asks for his gun and shoots him right in the kneecap.

Fuck this.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #11

The best way find our children is to look for our children, I always say.

Van Nuys, California – 12:12am

A couple of teenage ne’er-do-wells, the antithesis of teenage do-gooders, are snickering while spraypainting the word “NAKED” on a Stark Industries sign. Alex and the gang drive up in their van. “Finally…” he says. “A crime in progress.”

Gert is very much for the defacing of an evil corporation. Chase is like “come on, I wanna punch a face.” The gang gets ready to reign blows upon these kids would probably kick their asses in school on a normal day and steal their lunch money.

Meanwhile, Cloak and Dagger – remember them? They’re probably going to get killed soon – are hanging out on a rooftop crying about the state of the world today. Children killing children! What’s next? Children killing the children killing children? Dogs killing children? When will it end?

Dagger catches a glimmer of something in the distance and they pursue it.

“Lose the art supplies, Warhol!” cries Alex “The Sleepy Badass Strong Independent Woman Who Don’t Need No Man” Wilder. “You have five seconds.” The whole group stares them down like they’re shaking up a can of whoop-ass and they’re going to spray some whoop-ass all over the place.

After five seconds, Nico takes her staff and uses black magic-type occult Satanist shit to blow up their spraypaint cans. In real life, this would accidentally murder all of them. In comic book life, though, they just kind PUFF and the kids go “AHH!” and “Oye!”

Teenager #1 brings out a gun, ready to bust a gat, but then Cloak and Dagger show up with a quip about West Side Story. “Don’t hurt us yo,” says Teenager #1. “Piece is just a water pistol…” *squirt* “See?”

The delinquents run away. The Runaways don’t run away, but they probably should have. “Alex Wilder and Nico Minoru? You’re coming with us,” says Dagger. Then she’s all “drop the weapon!” and sprays Nico with light, causing her to drop her weapon, as it were. Alex tells his MEN to stand down; these are good guys! “B-list heroes from New York!” This makes Cloak and Dagger frown.

Then a fight happens!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #11

Hey! I may be a skank, but… uh… what was the other thing you called me?

Chase tries to shoot fire; Dagger jumps over it. Karolina tries to shoot light; Cloak can absorb it. And then he opens his cloak and sucks her into his body or some other weird, sexy shit. Dagger then throws Chase at him and Cloaks sucks him into his body or some other strange, sultry shit.

“Stop it!” yells Alex. “I don’t know what you’ve been told, but it’s wrong! We’re not killers, we’re… we’re just like you!”

Cloak and Dagger don’t care. Alex tries harder to get out of this pickle, but Cloak instructs Alex and Nico to “enter the fold,”

Later, Cloak and Dagger are chit-chatting and Cloak is agitated. “The four within my cloak’s shadowy realm… I sense no blood on their souls.”

“What are you saying?” Dagger looks incredulous. “They’re not murderers?”

“It is possible. And yet, in one of them, I do recognize a powerful darkness, a–”

Cloak doesn’t finish his thought. Gert and Molly, plus the dinosaur show up to take back what’s theirs.

“Give us back our friends…” says Gert.

“…or freaking else,” says Molly.

Final Thoughts

Oh no, four of their kind have been EATEN! Right? I’m paying attention.

My money is on the dinosaur. Gert has a fucking dinosaur and she hasn’t ruled the world yet? Unrealistic.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5 – “After the Fall (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5 – “After the Fall (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Angel finds his champion! Groosalugg, the ever-positive and whimsical. Meanwhile, Gunn literally blows up the Wolfram & Hart building, and since Wes is tied to the building, he immediately phases out of existence.

This is the thrilling conclusion of the storyline. Will Angel win in the end?

(Of course he will, that bastard.)

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5 [March, 2008]
Written by: Bryan Lynch / Joss Whedon
“After the Fall (Part 5)”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5

Check out the cover. The gang’s all here looking grumpy! I’m in for a barrel of fucking laughs, I can already tell.

Wes finds himself in a white void. He sees a shattered projection of rubble and shrapnel from the decimated Wolfram & Hart building. Wes speaks to the disembodied voice of a Wolfram & Hart representative who tells him that his work is far from over. Wes gets snippy and sarcastic, saying that he wasn’t aware that he was supposed to keep an eye on the building, but now he certainly will while it’s a pile of flaming metal and wood!

The entity removes Wes’ mouth. “Quiet,” it growls. Of Angel, his blood is going to be on Wes’ hands. “Which is disappointing,” the voice says. “We really wanted it on ours.”

Back in Silver Lake, Lorne is despondent that Wes disappeared right before his very red eyeballs. Also, that Angel is probably going to get himself killed with all this Lord-fighting business. Also, that Spike is… he’s a sad motherfucker, is what he is. Lorne feels bad for all of them. “I thought Fred was the victim, but when all is said and done, she wins. She’s in Heaven.”

One of the two white-dressed, nameless women argues that Heaven isn’t Heaven without loved ones. Lorne just stares at them. “You sing a lot of gibberish, ladies, but sometimes you stumble onto a meaningful verse. Let’s get to work.”

Get to work doing what? Ripping Fred from not-Heaven? Good luck with that bullshit. You’re going to need spells and large tomes with skulls on them to do that kind of business. Trust me, I’ve been there!

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5

Was I always such a sexy hunk of man? *growls seductively*

Elsewhere, Angel is shaving in front of a mirror with which he can see his reflection! So he really is human, isn’t he? I don’t remember how that really happened. Maybe he lost about 4,000,000,000 brain cells and started watching NASCAR on Sundays. That’s humanity for you.

“Big day. Fight to the death. Have to be ready. I should have spent the last couple of hours learning about Groo’s weapons. But I can’t face Hell’s champions with stubble.”

Cute. Angel walks over toward what used to be the Wolfram & Hart building and wonders who might have dunnit. “Could be nothing. Buildings in Hell come down all the time. Some grow mouths. It’s a thing.” He goes on to say that the object projecting the “vampire glamour” is untouched and will only die when he does. So not only is this Hell, but there’s an object keeping Angel alive as a human? Is that right? After five issues I’m still kind of lost. Reading this stuff was a dumb idea!

Anyway, Angel flies away on his magic dragon.

In Beverly Hills, Spike’s harem is outfitted to the nines with armor and weapons. “They’re expecting me to fight,” Spike says, definitely not outfitted to the nines with anything of importance. “They want me to charge in like a damned white knight and take down the Big Bad Angel.” Spike continues bitching and moaning about the plan whilst Illyria tells him it’s a good plan. Spike says it’s demonstratively NOT a good plan.

“We’re not retreating,” insists Illyria. Spike continues complaining. “Look, love. You’re not well and I don’t know what to do for you. We have to get out of here, sneak out the back, and try some new digs.”

Suddenly, they both see something off panel and are like “brrrt!!” We’ll get back to that in a second. Next, we have to see what that little pissant Connor is up to in Santa Monica (jerking off). Everyone’s leaving to watch the fight, it seems. The Lords are all stupid, though, because once Angel gets all fucked up, they’re going to be next. A tale as old as time!

Connor has the top of his building outfitted with a very large automatic weapon. One of those ones you need to sit at to do anything. One of his many ladies is manning the thing. “Though not sure I’m the one who should be behind it. Got an itchy trigger finger. Got an itchy everything.”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5

♫♫♪ And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon… ♫♪♫♪

Connor is pretty optimistic about the outcome, though! He’s getting hella snubbed, so that must be a good sign! At any rate, Angel obviously wants to do this alone, so let him. Let the idiot go at this alone.

The Lords and their champions ready themselves on a hovering chunk of dirt above a nice Los Angeles park. “Five minutes! Five minutes until the blood!”

Gunn and his group are there to watch the action. If the Lords start being bitches and take down civilians, Gunn’s got his new a-hole tearing gloves.

The place is crowded with civilians, though, so it seems very unlikely that there won’t be any casualties.

One of the Lords lays out the rules for the civilians: 1) know who your Lords are and don’t defect to other stronger, more virile Lords, and 2) if any of you little punks get in the way of a kill, they’re going to pick you up, fly high, and drop you. Like this!

*picks up a guy, flies high, and drops him*

Angel comes in with his dragon and catches the guy in mid-air. He has two rules as well: 1) he dies, then it’s business as usual, or 2) he wins, everyone goes free! Rule 2 is the better rule by a long shot, so follow it at all costs.

“THERE HE IS. BEHOLD THE DELUSIONAL VAMPIRE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF YOU GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL,” bellows Lord Jones #1. Angel uses this time to reflect openly about his past mistakes and how he’s looking to atone for them right here, right now, at this spot, at this minute, and with gusto. He’s a bad public speaker and everyone around him is staring at him drooling, so he decides to kind of wrap it up and get on with the battle.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5

Nice speech, spaz.

And the battle takes off! BOOM CRACK SPLASH WHACK THUMP FWAK SHUMP TERMP FRUNK DOOP CHUGGA CHUGGA. Angel gets punched in the mouth, and it’s just the pep in the step he needs to grab his fiery sword and start wasting some of these mopes. “I have to stop thinking, start swinging.”

The Lords are watching Angel start kicking some ass, and they’re like “huh… um…”

Then Angel starts losing a little bit, which is making me chuckle. However, he has the power of God on his side! And by that I mean some loser hanging out in a white void. Speaking of the Devil, Wes is there getting tortured by the invisible entity. Wes tells it to keep bringing it the fuck on, but also stop wasting his time and let him do his job. “You’re already doing it, Wesley,” says the voice. “You’re always on the clock… Very well. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.”

Again, cute. The ghostly figure of Wes shows up in Silver Lake, which pleases him. He thinks he’s Angel’s only hope, which is going to turn out the be true, I’m sure. Wes tries to talk to Angel through some weird spherical portal with a demon on top. Wes is being ignored. Wes asks the two white-dressed ladies if only Lorne can speak through the portal. Wes asks where Lorne even is.

Lorne has rallied the troops.

And now all of Angel’s friends have appeared to assist Angel whether he likes it or not. Connor punches a T-Rex! Groosalugg fights a demon thing! Spike kicks a fool in the face! Lorne represents himself as his Lordly champion! Woop woop!

Angel says that this is technically cheating. Everyone else tells him to shut the fuck up.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #5

You laugh now, but when you’re in bed without dinner you’ll be sorry.

Finally, Angel accepts the fact that his many “friends” are pitching in to take down the big bad scary demons. Gunn, meanwhile, watches from upwind.

“You want in, don’t you?” says one of Gunn’s fellow vampires.

“Fine up here. Not my thing anymore. Besides, this is my doing. Band’s back together.” Gunn smiles. “The second half, that’s where things cook.”

Angel’s dragon, which had been chained up by one of the Lords, is set free by Groosalugg. “Look here, Dragon,” he says. “I am freeing you so you may fight the dinosaur! That is something I would very much like to see!”

Yes. That’s what happens.

While fighting, Angel learns that Lorne visited every single one of them and convinced them to join in. Even Spike, who is obviously in love with Angel, was swayed to help with Lorne’s kind, drunken words. “Besides, now you owe me,” Spike says, trying to save face. But, mostly, sort of, he’s here because of Blue Fred. Illyria. “She needs help, and that’s what you do,” Spike says to Angel. He always helps, and it’s stupid and pathetic, but here we are!

Wesley phases in between Spike and Angel, unfortunately keeping them from touching their penises. Spike passes his arm through Wes, confirming his persistent non-corporealness. Wes catches a glimpes of Blue Fred. Blue Fred catches a glimpse of Wes and she stops in her fighting tracks. “…you.”

Blue Fred turns back into regular Fred. Somehow. For some reason. Agggh.

“Wesley… you’re here…”

Final Thoughts

At least Angel has no idea what the hell is going on, either. “Spike, what the hell is going on?” he was heard to say.

That’s it for the storyline! The next one is going to be short, probably about Fred and Wes trying to bone while he’s a ghost. Nobody wants to see that, but we can’t control these things.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Tetris, Deep Fryers, and Bathtub Poopin’

Yo, what’s in the news lately??

Nugatory Newsroom
13-Year-Old Becomes First Person to Beat Tetris on NES

People have settled on ways to “beat” Tetris for decades. Usually, one must clear the screen completely by using one o’ them long ones to delete four rows at once. I’ve never done it because I have 406 chromosomes and don’t possess the mental fortitude to play Tetris for more than three minutes without accidentally getting distracted by a Chipotle burrito.

But some teenage online nerd kid who calls himself “Blue Scuti” was able to “beat” Tetris by freezing the game, a feat that I could accomplish easily with a faulty NES and an unblown cartridge. Blue Scuti crashed the game with video proof, and this has only been accomplished before by artificial intelligence (a robot wearing a hat).

Details are unavailable for what this kid exactly did other than play for 38 straight minutes, but I’m not impressed! Give me a brick and I can crash Tetris any day of the week. I’ll show these dorks.

As a side note, apparently kids these days use a “rolling” technique when playing competitive Tetris. You throw the controller back and forth between hands. Whether this improves upon my current strategy of setting up a drinking bird to tap the D-pad every 2.5 seconds is still up for debate.

Nugatory Newsroom
Man Accused of Assaulting, Trying to Deep Fry Wife’s Co-Worker’s Head at McDonald’s for ‘Disrespecting’ Her

Fuck Tetris, now here’s a story! A pastor — a pastor — from North Carolina named Dwayne Wayden walked into a McDonald’s during his wife’s shift and tried to dunk this guy’s noggin’ in searing-hot fat and grease. All because of an offhand comment, I’m assuming, of the size of the pastor’s wife’s big-ass booty.

I’d better be careful before Wayden shows up at my work and tries to hit me with a ruler.

This story is pretty fucked up, honestly. What kind of man of the cloth decides to, AT BEST, horribly burn somebody’s skull just for “disrespecting” his wife? It doesn’t even say “assaulted” or “sexually harassed”. The dude could have just said “go fuck yourself” after being asked to clean the vomit and poop-laden bathroom, which every McDonald’s on the planet is required to have!

If I got my head pushed into a fryer every time I disrespected someone’s wife, my head would be extra crispy. YO, PASTOR DWAYNE! YOUR WIFE’S GOT A BIG-ASS BOOTY! Come at me, bro. I’m hiding behind the internet!

Nugatory Newsroom
The Chinese chess player who lost his title after defecating in a bathtub

I don’t like this link because it’s sensationally written for dumbass teenagers, it seems, but the gist of the article is that a 48-year-old man named Yan Chenglong celebrated winning a Xianqi tournament by pooping in his hotel bathtub. “The hotel managers saw it”, and it’s unclear whether that means they saw the ACTION or the AFTERMATH, but apparently taking a crap in a bathtub and leaving it there is not at all illegal.

Let’s get to the root of why, though. WHY did this fine, fine gentleman take a shit in the tub? Probably because he was attempting to retrieve his remote-controlled anal massaging device! And I’m not making this up, for real this time! This dude pooped out an anal massaging device that was apparently used to cheat, massaging his tender sphincter with vibrations from a computer that aiding him in playing the correct moves. That’s a stroke of genius!

Give this man a crown and a kingdom.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Nugatory Newsroom. Check back next time when I post an article about a man in Las Vegas who set a world record by punching his nuts with a barbed glove in rapid succession for sixteen hours.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Book II: Shadows and Secrets storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Doctor Aphra successfully pulls off a heist where she steals credits from an Imperial ship heading back to wherever. She splits some among the bounty hunters, and it is revealed that Darth Vader was also behind the ruse! A twist! Fuck you, Empire! Maybe his and Aphra’s cut will buy him a bunch of jumbo Slurpees at 7-Eleven.

Well, bad news for Vader, because he’s going to be under scrutiny by a dude, hired by Grand General Tagge, named Inspector Thanoth. He’s going to get to the bottom of this strange and mysterious credits heist! Mark his words.

Vader’s going to strangle this guy with his jump rope.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [November, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 3)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

On Anthan 13, that pretty, sparkly moon, a small group of Rebel mercenaries are scoping out the area. They see Vader’s TIE fighter, meaning he’s alone! Perfect chance to pick him off and then celebrate with a can of shitty Red Bull.

They find Vader facing away from them. They think they’re slick, but he knows that they’re there. “At last. The Rebellion has many failings.” He whips out his throbbing red lightsaber. “Your slowness is most aggravating.”

On an orbital dockyard of Anthan Prime, Thanoth is radioing Vader to let him know that he’s all set up and he needs Vader’s assistance immediately, probably because he can’t reach the zipper on his beautiful dress. “I believe I have a lead to those responsible for the robbery…”

Vader’s head is hologram-style. “What made you so sure it was a crime and not an accident?”

Well, sir, Thanoth has a lot of fucking things to say about this. Footprints, thumbprints, breadcrumbs, bits of paper, a wrench, the Conservatory, and Col. Mustard in the flesh! “I examined its systems,” he says of the Imperial craft. “There was no sign of interference. In fact, suspiciously little sign of interference.” Well which is it? No interference or little interference? Check back with me one you take a fucking stance on it.

Something about asteroid metal content and deleted log files. Thanoth theorizes that a meteor storm was initialized deliberately under the guise of a freak accident. THEN they inflitrated the ship. THEN they busted open the vault. THEN they launched that shit into space to collect it later. Does that all sound 100% right, you black-helmeted dumbass?

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Penetration suspicion, eh? Get your wife’s take on that one.

Vader says all this better be correct, because “his time is too precious to be chasing phantoms.” Sounds like someone is afraid of ghosts! Jinkies!

Thanoth agrees that this kind of investigation is beneath the both of them. “We can finish this quickly and return to more serious work,” Thanoth says. And BY THE WAY, Garth Vader, what brought you to Anthan 13 in the first place? Hmm huh eh hmm eh eh huh??

“I pursued a Rebel cell there. I dealt with them.”

“It wasn’t reported.”

“I do not consider eliminating a few Rebels a matter that requires comment.”

Sounds good to me! Let’s get some lunch!

After a hearty meal of Bantha steaks and Bantha milk (with Bantha giblets for dessert), Darth Vader meets up with Thanoth beneath the surface of Anthan Prime. They’re going to chase the Dragon, as it were. And by that I mean, they’re in pursuit of a man known as The Dragon, the most infamous of arms dealers in the area. Explosives? Bullets? Pellets for slingshots? All through The Dragon. “One of his dealers will be here. Doowan. A somewhat coarse gentlemen who I suspect will require a little persuasion.”

Oooooh, Doowan likes to be smooth-talked. I’m the man for the job. I’m smooooooooth as the dickens. Thanoth and Vader make their way to a droid fighting den. Kinda like cockfighting except with protocol droids going “oh dear, it appears to be fisticuffs at dawn.” Anyway, they need to lay low and look like they fit in to not attract any attenti–

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

SURPRISE! Heh heh! We baked you a cake!

Whoops, a gaggle of Stormtroopers are already there like “buh-what” when they see their master approach. Not expecting them at all. Thanoth gets pissed; this is supposed to be a clandestine matter and these motherfuckers are stormtrooping the place??

“We’re… sealing the perimeter as ordered, sir,” says the burbling leader of the troopers.

“STEP ASIDE!” booms Vader, and he stomps his way through the line of stormtroopers.

“Hmm. Whoever could be responsible for this uncouthness,” Thanoth asks himself, still completely oblivious to Vader’s involvement in all this. They walk into a warehouse-like structure and discover what’s-their-nuts, the twins, fighting some giant droids. Morit and Aiolin. I keep forgetting their names and/or why they’re at all important to the story.

Ducking for cover is some Medusa-looking guy. “…there’s our man, Doowan,” Thanoth says. He tries to get Doowan’s attention by yelling “HEY DOOWAN, BUDDY! OVER HERE, PAL!” Doowan threatens to shoot, but Vader Forces the gun out of his hands.

Time to talk, buddy. Vader has a few questions like “what’s your sign?” and “do you come here often?” Vader lifts Doowan by the neck against a wall while fighting continues in the foreground. “I can’t give you anything,” Doowan gibbers, lips looking like a couple of fornicating slugs. “There’s too many witnesses.”

SHUT UP! WHERE’S THE DRAGON?! RAAAWWWRR! WHERE’S THE DRAGON?! RARBABABRBABABLABLAB!!!!

“I… I… let me think.” Doowan pretends to think while Vader calls him out on pretending to think in order to stall. Ain’t gonna work.

“The Dragon is off-planet in the mid moons,” Doowan says. “Anthan 12.”

“A lie,” Vader responds.

“He’s… he’s… his mansion’s in the lower reach of Prime’s eastward core. 241-86-1872.”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

We’re not kissing each other if that’s what you’re insinuating! Not at all! We mean it! Honest! Stop looking at us like that!

Ahh, I’ve called that number before to have a good time. It’s plastered all over every men’s room in the tri-county area. Vader finds this bit to be the truth, so they let Doowan go. Thanoth introduces him to Morit and Aiolin. “He knows many people in the arms supply business. I daresay they’ve supplied the Plasma Devils. As such, this man may be of some use to your investigations…”

Morit agrees! Then he whips out his lightsaber and slices Doowan’s head off or something. Maybe just cuts off a couple of head snakes. This is to show the planet that MORIT AND AIOLIN ARE NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH. “Now all can see how bloody the Imperial fist can be,” Aiolin says. “We cannot afford to show any of the usual weakness,” Morit adds.

Thanoth tut-tuts. “One should never send children to do an adult’s job, Lord Vader. And we live in a universe brimming full of children. Hmmm.” Thanoth walks away disapprovingly, then notices that Vader is just kinda standing there like a wet stump. He’s being too quiet (which is typical) and passive (which is not). You’re just going to let Thanoth lead this whole operation? It’s very sus, sir, as the kids say. Almost like you were entirely involved in this crime!

Nope! Vader is passive for exactly two reasons: 1) the last man that Grand General Tagge assigned to him was a traitor, and 2) Vader’s butt itches. “I’m trying to ascertain if you are… dangerous,” he tells Thanoth.

“Oh, I am, Lord Vader,” he replies. “But only to enemies of the empire.”

Elsewhere on Anthan Prime, Aphra and her droid buddies are flying her ship, the Ark Angel, and requesting landing at some highfalutin hovering space station. They are requested to dock at the tradesman’s entrance, which O-O-O finds rude enough to want to kill the whole station! Aphra tells him to cool his jets, because the trademan’s entrance is exactly where they want to go anyway.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #9

…the dregs of society with their armpit-smelling spacecrafts and their ugly, pedophile robots on the bottom.

They meet up with some dude named Ante (or “The Ante” as he likes to be called). He looks like Scream mask. Now that Aphra can afford it, he offers her much information about many people. What do you want to know? He’s like a regular Entertainment Tonight exclusive!

Aphra passes The Ante an SD card. The Ante accepts and asks if they have the right guy before he’s ready to dish out the info on this mope. Aphra tells him YES and SPILL IT.

“Aphra, you’ve just spent a lot of money to get information you could probably have found through official records…” he says helpfully. She calls him faster and more discreet. She piles a bunch of credits on the table too. So SPILL IT. Tell me everything you know about this one guy named Taylor Lautner. Also, “Commodex Tahn.”

O-O-O doesn’t think this Commodex Tahn will be anyone Vader gives a shit about. Au contraire, my rusty friend. “They were morticians… on Naboo,” Aphra smiles.

Final Thoughts

I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING! Am I supposed to know where this is going? MY STAR WARS KNOWLEDGE IS STILL PITIFULLY LIMITED. I barely knew the difference between Han Solo and Obi-Wan Kenobi three weeks ago! HELP! HELP!!


Click here to ridicule this post!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8 – “Us Do Opposite”

* Part 8 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #8 – “Us Do Opposite”! In the previous installment, some really dumb, and I mean dumb, Bizarro shit happens and Earth is being taken by Bizarros and Superman sort of saves everyone? But then Cube Earth “burrows into the cosmic sink beneath regular Earth’s universe” and makes the sun all red so Superman loses his powers and Bizarro Superman won’t help. But that’s ok, because Zibarro Superman shows up!

Doesn’t all that brain-pulverizing horseshit sound like a good time? Because this issue is Part 2 of the Bizarro arc and I’d rather jam a toothpick up my narrow urethra. Bwahhhhh!!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8 [August, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Us Do Opposite”

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Ugh, let’s plow through this stank-ass horse hockey. Looks like Superman is going to get strapped to a rocket and launched into oblivion, which is what he deserves and what we all should get to see as a treat.

“Zibarro, this is getting me nowhere…” Superman complains on Cube Earth. As you recall, Zibarro is like the Bizarro Bizarro. It fucking sucks ass and I wish I wasn’t reading this right now. “…there must be something worthwhile in this enormous garbage heap.”

The garbage heap he’s referring to is not his penis, oh no no no. He’s talking about an actual garbage heap. Zibarro tells him that the Bizarro will wander around Bizarrotropolis aimlessly until the all-night. Whatever that is. Goddamn this blows.

Zibarro tells Superman that Bizarros are spawning everywhere from Superman’s memory in order to pacify him and/or prevent him from hitting their home again? Superman is advised to just fly away, but Superman reminds the dingus that the redness of the sun took away his flying juice. Zibarro takes this moment to whine at Superman about how flawed he is, being a flawed Bizarro and all, being one in five billion, and he’s lonely. Oh so lonely. “No shred of intellect exists with which to communicate my thoughts and feelings!” he says, straining his neck like a John Kricfalusi drawing. Superman awkwardly shuffles.

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Oh boo hoo. You don’t know what it’s like to be me. You don’t know what it’s like to be Clark Kent. Friends and family and a wife. It’s soooo lonely.

“Must only Zibarro see beauty in a sunset? Must only Zibarro search for poetry in this senseless coming and going?” This Zibarro guy must be really fun at parties. All like “Everything that ever exists is going to die. You could even die on your way home tonight. Where’s the keg?”

Zibarro whines further, saying that he’ll return to the sludge with the rest of the Bizarros when the all-night comes. Off in the distance, Superman spots a Bizarro Jor-El. He knows it’s Bizarro Jor-El because… I don’t know… something about launching a baby into space. As if it’s the only thing Jor-El ever did. Zibarro calls him Le-Roj the King of All Bizarros due to his “twisted behavior”. When the all-night comes, he will make a supreme sacrifice for his people. Sounds dumb, but I’ll bite.

Le-Roj is different from Jor-El because he didn’t blow up on Krypton. That’s one thing. Also, he rules the Cube Earth. Ok.

Superman pounds his fists against the wall hoping for an epiphany. It comes immediately! “I need to build a spaceship. Like the one that brought me to Earth from Krypton. A spaceship capable of escaping your cube world’s terrible gravity.”

To this Zibarro responds with a dejected “Oh…”

And then Zibarro perks up a little, because Superman has no time! Ha ha ha! The all-night is coming! Maybe I should capitalize that from now on.

Anyway, the All-Night is coming! Useless, futile endeavor to try to escape the Cube Earth!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Nice bloodshot eyes, Superman. You’re so fucking high, dude.

Elsewhere, some other dumb shit is happening. Mr. Quintum and his weird Space Alien Assistant are talking to Lois Lane about locating Superman. “Have you located Superman yet?” she asks. Quintum has not yet located Superman.

ALTHOUGH he does believe that he’s still on the Bizarro world, Bizarro-ing it up with the locals. “Think of it as weird super-dense basement level to the universe,” he says condescendingly. “Home to planet-sized monsters like this thing that just attacked us.”

I don’t remember what just attacked them. I don’t care either. Not at all.

Quintum takes this time to spill the beans about that time he flew into the center of the sun and absorbed more radiation than his body could process. It was all Luthor’s fault, of course. Lois Lane makes an “oh no, oh dear” face. “We hardly dared imagine what we’d do without him,” Quintum continues. “We’ve been working overtime to find a cure. So far we’ve failed.” This is all great news! Very reassuring!

But, during the cure-finding mission, they’ve discovered something else quite disturbing. Naked pictures of Bea Arthur. Also, there’s something hiding in the sun. I guess that’s a thing for Superman to take care of once he’s back. Just fly back into the sun again. That will help his grossly malfunctioning body.

On Cube Earth, Superman fills a wheelbarrow with “spaceship materials” (dirt and rocks). He tries to get all the Bizarros to help but they have room temperature IQs and opt to instead walk away laughing about the wheelbarrow. Zibarro tells Superman to stop being so stupid.

Superman runs and gets the Bizarros’ attention by waving his arms maniacally and speaking in their manner. “Me am no want you am listen!” he yells. It works. “Hurrh?” says one brainless Bizarro, turning around to look. They can’t wait to hear what he has to say next!

“ME AM OFFER BIZARROS CHANCE TO BE LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SLOBS,” Superman says with Bizarro-type reverse-Bizarro-psychology! “LOOK OVER THERE! ME AM NO OFFER BIZARRO CIVILIZATION A CHANCE TO MAKE MONUMENT TO LAST ALL TIME! CHANCE TO NO MAKE MOST USELESS, BORING FIREWORKS EVER FOR UNGLORY OF BIZARROS AND NO CELEBRATE ALL-NIGHT!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

Me am no have a fucking headache right now.

So the Bizarros help him build a crappy spaceship while Zibarro sulks. Superman continues speaking in Bizarro opposites to get them to help, because the sun is getting redder and he’s starting to get demoted to the strength of a literal child. He’s sweating and crying on the ground like a nerd. Zibarro, unnerved by all the Bizarro talking, tells Superman to stop sinking to their level. Superman ignores him, and rightfully so!

Superman looks off into the far distance. “Zibarro! Look there! It’s some kind of fever dream…” And verily, he witnesses a melting, decomposing Bizarro-Green Lantern rising out from a hole in the ground. Then the Bizarro-Flash walking as slow as molasses. Maybe Bizarro-Batman will show up poor and homeless? Bizarro-Wonder Woman not being racist? The Bizarro-Justice League is ready for action, sir.

I’m continuing to hate this comic as Superman mopes around about how inefficient his Bizarro friends are. Things are looking up, though! “I’ve made a crude single-shot ion pulse engine from garbage — it only needs a simple heat source to activate it.” Zibarro hands him some parchment which I assume has spaceship schematics on it. Zibarro notices that Superman is getting weaker. Superman can barely lift a piece of parchment! Idiot.

Zibarro noticed something in the schematics. “There only seems to be room for one on your rocket ship,” he says with accusatory eyeballs. Superman is like “uh huh, yeah, uh” while stammering about how dangerous the mission will be. Don’t forget that Zibarro will do anything to get off the stinkin’ cube. He’ll even perform some extra-sloppy oral intercourse! Whattaya say? *slurp*

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

I’d even eat at Arby’s!

Superman promises that once he’s back and with his super yellow sun powers, he’ll promise to some day come help Zibarro maybe. Zibarro looks sad. Superman looks sweaty. “I know you think of yourself as a flaw, an imperfection, but you’re something more, Zibarro. You’re proof that Bizarro-Home is getting smarter.”

Oh boy. That and $1.50 will buy him a bag of Doritos. Zibarro finds this gratifying enough, I guess. Le-Roj exclaims that the All-Night is upon them by exclaiming that the All-Night is not upon them. You know, for Bizarro reasons. Superman has to hurry!

The Bizarros celebrate by singing an opposite version of the Star-Spangled Banner. Le-Roj conducts. Superman starts bleeding out his nose. The Bizarros finish their song. Superman collapses on the ground. We all have a good laugh.

After their enchanting song, the Bizarros now tell Zibarro to leave by telling him not to leave. The sad sack whines some more to Superman. “If you only knew how it felt to be so completely despised,” Zibarro moans. “This is my one and only chance to leave this horrible place forever.”

Superman is like, seriously, go fuck yourself Zibarro. Le-Roj professes his love for the other Bizarros as King of the Other Bizarros. Zibarro helps Superman up, as if this will gain him leverage to leave the godforsaken cube planet. Superman has almost been completely drained of his powers as Zibarro ropes him up to the shitty garbage rocket. He asks Superman if he appreciates his writing (?), to which Superman belts out a weak “sure, why not” and compliments his unique voice! “Keep it up. tell the story of the Bizarro-Home. Tell how they made the rocket ship… out of garbage… to shoot the traveler home.”

All-Star Superman, Issue #8

It’s like the works of Hawethorne and Faulkner and Whitman and Camus and Vonnegut and the guy who wrote The Da Vinci Code all in one!

It seems that Zibarro has already accepted his situation. You know, the one where he gets to live forever on a terrible planet full of dumb motherfuckers who hate him. Superman calls him a friend and he breaks down like a complete wuss. After a few panels of contrived goodbyes, the rocket gets launched…

Meanwhile, Quintum and Co. continue tracking Superman unsuccessfully. “The Bizarro Earth has gone beyond the range of our instruments. Down into the underverse, through the cold layer where time stands still, and beyond into the blazing unknown below. Superman saved us all. But he’s gone. I’m so sorry, Miss Lane.”

Lois makes a “buhhhhh daaaaaarrr” face about this.

That’s it. That’s the comic.

Final Thoughts

Thank the good lord Vampire Jesus that this Bizarro shit is over. Now we can move onto some real stories: Superman getting his fat penis stuck in a tiny gloryhole. Now there’s a comic.


Click here to ridicule this post!