Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35!

Archie’s Pals ‘n’ Gals (Vol. 1), Issue #35 [Winter 1965-66]

”Getting Ready”

Archie dribbles a basketball while walking down the sidewalk with Veronica on this beautiful-ass autumn day. She looks positively livid that Archie even has a basketball with him, but Archie goes “aw shucks etc., I need to practice if I wanna try out for the team!”

Veronica kicks the thing out of his hands like a complete cunt. It bounces into the street, so be prepared for Archie to get creamed by a cement truck as he walks out to go get it.

Later, Jughead holds his arms out and clasps his hands to make a hoop as Archie practices his lay-ups. Just pretend his face is a backboard and laugh and laugh! After a few shots, Jughead suggests going for a drive, so the two of them pile into the ugliest car I’ve ever seen in my life. Juggy is floored to see Archie dribbling a basketball outside the car with his left hand while he drives! How’s that for an lol and an lmao??

When Jughead tells this idiot to cool it with the basketball, Archive tries passing it to his friend in the passenger’s seat… who misses. Now it’s bouncing across various front lawns and Archie has this bright idea to go chase it down.

As the ball bounces wildly down the street, Jughead points at a house. “Hey, Arch! Do you know who lives in that house over there!?”

The basketball crashes right through the front window.

“Our basketball coach!” Jughead says haughtily. Archie’s underwear overflows with diarrhea.

Um, do you think he’ll notice?

We don’t get to see it, but Archie gets royally chewed out by the coach. Profanities, verbal abuse, and even a ritual caning was on the table, I bet. Archie walks away without his basketball sulkily. Betty is on the street, and she reminds Archie that they have a date tonight. Archie goes “oh yeah…” because he was thinking about basketball so much that he forgot all about boning the blonde one. Plus, it’ll be nice to take his mind off of basketball after Coach reamed him a new one.

But alas! When Archie picks Betty up, she’s dribbling a basketball! “I hope you don’t mind, but they’re having tryouts for the girls’ basketball team and I want to be ready!”

Archie frowns and we all point a snicker at the doofus.

”The Thin Line”

Hiram Lodge is kicking Archie out of his house, probably because he brought in a donkey and it ate all of his tax receipts.

“Mr. Lodge, you really don’t mean this!” Archie protests. “Remember, there’s just a thin line between love and hate!”

Lodge slams the door. “Thin line indeed!” He turns to his daughter. “I wish there was a big fat line between me and that idiot boyfriend of yours!”

Here’s the thing: Archie was just helping Veronica with her psychology homework! He wasn’t sucking on her clitoris, honest! Then she has a good idea…

Later at the ice cream shop, Veronica suggests that Archie “try some psychology” on her dad. I don’t know what that means yet, but I don’t think hypnotizing swinging timepieces will be involved. Archie asks Jughead and Veronica to do a little roleplay *eyebrows* Jughead will be Mr. Lodge, and Veronica can be Veronica! It’s a stretch, but it might work.

From now on you’re going potty outside like the dog you are!

While Archie tries to be nice to Hiram Jughead, he accidentally spills soda all over his pants, fucking everything up. Jughead gives him the business, as Hiram Lodge would, then turns to Veronica and tells her to stop dating “that idiot”.

Archie slaps Jughead daintily across the face and tells him to snap out of it. Little bubbles appear above Jughead’s head as if he were either drunk or in a deep fugue state; probably both. I think we’re all supposed to laugh here, but I’m instead stabbing my throat with a rusty machete.

Speaking of getting sliced and diced, Veronica thinks Archie is ready to confront Hiram! I don’t know why she thinks this since he literally accomplished nothing during the roleplay, but I’m not here to argue about the progression of an Archie story from 60 years ago. They find Hiram in the kitchen frowning his ass off.

“Hello, Mr. Lodge!” Archie says nervously. “It’s your old pal, Archie, say that’s an interesting piece you’ve added to your collection!” He points to a garbage can and calls it a great work of art. The earthy quality has really been captured! After looking like a moron yet again, Hiram tells Archie that maybe he could help him by fucking off and taking out the trash.

“Daddy! How could you ask Archie to take out the garbage!” Veronica moans. Hiram calls it the start of a great new career for him!

Archie drops it and spills garbage all over the floor. This, apparently, is the end of the story. Go psychology!

”The Silent Woman”

Veronica brings into her house a life-size blowup doll of her likeness. Keep that away from Archie is all I’m saying. There’s a ragged man with a gray suit that looks like it’s made out of burlap. “This is Professor Paraffin of that fabulous wax museum on the pier!” she says, introducing this very confused-looking man. Hiram looks at the wax dummy with awe. “It’s going to protect my interest while I’m in Paris this week!” Veronica adds.

Veronica directs Swanson, her driver, to keep Archie in sight of the dummy at all times. But keep him at a distance! But stay close! But not too close! But yes! But no! And give him this note that says she’s sick with chlamydia, or whatever other hip disease the kids are getting these days. The clap, maybe.

Archie gets the note and reads that she’ll be keeping an eye on him nonetheless. Betty says she’s bluffing. Later, Archie walks by the house and sees the dummy propped on a chair next to the window. He waves. It doesn’t wave back. He grins stupidly and heads over to Pop’s for a date with Betty. Swanson, with a devilish glint in his little eyeball, carries the dummy across town, following Archibald.

There’s a real dummy on this street, and it ain’t Veronica!

Betty sees Swanson driving around with the dummy and concludes that Veronica is spying on them out of jealousy! Archie concludes the same and furrows his brow angrily!

“Hey, Veronica’s really living it up, eh Arch?” Jughead says, meeting Archie on the street.

“Living it up? She’s sitting over there suffering from a virus!”

“Impossible!” says Jughead indubitably. “I personally saw her board the plane to Paris at the airport yesterday!” Why Jughead was at the airport is a mystery, but perhaps he was eating a bunch of overpriced burgers at the Chilis-To-Go.

Why, this really steams Archie up it does! Not worried at all about catching the clap, Archie storms over to the car, freaking out Swanson who needs to get the dummy away. But the engine is flooded! It won’t start! Eeep!

Archie notices right away after sticking his penis on the arm that “Veronica” is actually a wax dummy! Grrrr! “She left this thing to spy on me and keep me away from Betty!” he yells, staring Swanson right in his not-so-devilish-anymore eye. Swanson concedes.

Archie carries the dummy back into the Lodge household triumphantly like he just solved the Taman Shud case. A week later, Veronica comes home and asks her perpetually perplexed father if the wax dummy kept Archie at bay. “Oh, indeed!” he says. “The three of them have been inseparable all week!”

Three of them?! BRRT!!

Creepy!

”Kicking Around”

Beatles-bowlheaded Reggie and Archie are throwing the ol’ pigskin around. “I GOT IT!” Betty all but screams as she intercepts it. A girl wants to play football! Jumpin’ jeepers, get out of town! “Betty, you can’t play football with us!” Reggie hollers with murderous rage. Archie agrees. Betty punts the football so far that it flies from the backyard to the high school football field where the coach (you can tell he’s the coach because he’s wearing a shirt that says “COACH” on it in blood) marvels at the punt.

Archie runs to go get the football and the coach gives him an “ARCHIE, MUH BOY!” That football was kicked all the way here! Why golly gee! “I’ve been looking for someone who could kick like that and now I’ve found him!” Coach declares, hugging Archie to his face and peppering him with soft little kisses and landing him a prime spot on the sex offender registry. Archie tries to downplay it, tries to tell him that “he knows a girl who could kick that far”, but our lumpy, pear-shaped coach won’t hear any of it!

Reggie asks why Archie doesn’t just tell the truth, and it’s because the truth would break Coach’s lumpy, pear-shaped heart. Besides, Archie can kick too! Watch this: *accidentally punts it right through Reggie’s sphincter*

The balls flies straight up, then lands on Archie’s head. Reggie cackles. Things are going to be quite fun come gametime when Archie doesn’t do anything on the field but suck.

“Don’t worry, Arch!” Reggie says in the locker room. “I’m the quarterback and I just won’t call any kicking plays!” He boggles through the fourth wall. “At least I think I won’t!”

But man, does Reggie want to make Archie look like a plumb fool. So, typically, Reggie’s first call is a kicking play. “The spotlight is yours!” he says to a confused Archie.

Eventually Coach cries because Football is Life.

Coach, your butt is talking again!

That’s pretty much the end. We can end it there. That’s ok.

”The Ventriloquist”

Reggie’s great at throwing his voice! Watch this, fellas! “Eat me…” See, that was the hamburger talkin’!

Archie tells him to throw his voice across the diner and then go join it. Veronica laughs at this moment of levity! Reggie is completely beside himself with so much fucking rage that he could blow up a balloon through a gloryhole. “Wise guy! I’ll get even with him!”

“What are you doing tonight, Fathead?” Archie says to Veronica, and—WAIT A MINUTE!! HOW DARE YOU!! Veronica slaps Archie so hard that you can see his handprint on the face of his grandchild who will be born in 1993.

“What do you think of my voice now, knucklehead?” Reggie sneers as Veronica storms out of the diner. Archie has a concussion now and will probably die before the next morning, honestly.

But Archie has a chip on his shoulder, so he elicits the help of Jughead and Moose. First he tells them that Reggie can throw his voice like some sort of Harry Potter wizard, so be careful. Secondly, Moose, you fuck like your mom’s in the room (and you’re fucking her), and—WAIT A MINUTE!!

Moose grabs Archie’s collar for saying something so dang rude (it was actually about how he ain’t got no brains), but Archie pleads victim! “Reggie must be around!” he panics, but Moose would rather fist Archie’s teeth down his throat. But then Reggie shows up and is like “YEAH, I’M MAKING ARCHIE SAY EVERYTHING HEH HEH!” so Moose chases Reggie down the block. Are we laughing yet?! Are we laughing yet?!?!

Reggie will prove you don’t need a rape whistle if you can throw your voice! There’s a joke in there somewhere, I think.

”The New Moose”

Archie stands under a tree with the most gaudy lapels I’ve ever seen while Jughead and Reggie run for their lives. “You better beat it, Arch! Moose is coming!”

Yeah, he’s coming all right. Coming big time. But Archie isn’t worried. In fact, Archie welcomes Moose’s arrival! But Reggie slaps the kid silly until every tooth is knocked out of his stupid head. “Haven’t you heard? Moose just finished taking one of those personality courses!” Oh, ok. Did he find out that he has no personality at all? Because that would be the most likely outcome here.

“Hi Moose!” says Archie, undisturbed.

“You’re talking to the new Moose now!” he says jubilantly. CRUNCH! That’s the sound of Moose crushing all of Archie’s hand bones. A firm, friendly handshake is just what the doctor ordered, eh? Why are you hopping around gripping your hand like that Archie? Are you on drugs?

Moose, afraid that he offended Archie, decides to clap him on the back! This sends him to Nebraska.

Gee, why is Archie humping that fence? Seems kinda weird, huh?

Archie is woozy; tells Moose to keep away before he dies of blunt force trauma to the internal organs and whatnot. “But Archie, I’m your friend! I’m everybody’s friend!” Moose declares falsely. But he’s reasonable. Perhaps he’ll focus his attention on Betty, who just happens to be walking by.

“Allow me to assist you across the street!” he says, grabbing Betty’s arm.

“But… Moose! I don’t want to cross the street!” And Moose looks affronted. A taste of the back of his hand is just what the doctor ordered, eh? *hits a woman*

Later, the gang all discussed Moose’s newfound niceness. Something must be done, he’s more dangerous than ever! He might shoot a friendly gun in someone’s face!

Midge walks by, and Reggie gets a bright idea to involve this poor girl in helping the boys run away from Moose while Midge distracts him with boobs and/or vagina.

But later, Moose approaches Reggie and Archie and scares them both out of their wits!

“Good ahead Moose… hit us if you have to!” Reggie trembles.

“We can take it!” Archie shivers.

“I’m not going to hit you! Midge told me what you did and I think it’s wonderful! MY PALS!”

Moose gets them both in a friendly headlock, crushing their throats and their spines and sending them to the hospital. Archie and Reggie die four days later.

”New Girl in School”

There’s a new girl in school and she’s a sexy little redheaded piece! Archie is going to put the moves on her, watch this! *dances the Charleston*

“Hi! My name is Archie Andrews!”

“So?”

Fucking excellent start! Archie looks mad for a panel like he’s about to commit a misogynistic crime, but he goes from mad to sad pretty quickly. And he doesn’t even have much time to mope before Veronica catches wind of his flirty behavior.

Get a pair of brass knuckles next time, sister.

So now that Archie has been killed, we can move onto bigger and better things! Things like Jughead not giving a shit that Archie has just been murdered.

Betty arrives and sees Archie dying of a closed-head injury. “What hit you?” she asks. “Ronnie!” Archie responds. And Betty is sympathetic for about four nanoseconds before she, too, gives him a right fucking hook to the jaw. SOCK! Archie’s down again!

Jughead says something snide, which prompts Archie to knock his teeth so far down his throat that Jughead will be shitting teeth for the next six days. Now Reggie shows up and wants to get in on the punching, so he and Jughead punch each other at the same time and it’s kind of cute, actually.

Moose shows up and things are really getting ridiculous now! “Okay you two, break it up! You guys are friends, you shouldn’t be fighting! No more of it, understand?” And then it’s right in Jughead and Reggie’s faces with fists.

OK, picture this: Archie punches Moose in the face because we’re starting to really run out of steam in this particular story. Moose takes it in the chin and it barely affects him. So Moose stabs Archie in the throat.

And then the new girl walks by again and the laugh track is deafening.

”What Did I Do”

We see the immediate aftermath of a Betty swinging her purse across Archie’s mug, presumably because he either pinched her ass or threw a grenade in her general vicinity. “How do I get myself in these situations?” he asks himself, dazed and confused. “There wasn’t any reason for Betty to be mad at me!” he complains cluelessly.

We see them earlier walking through the park arm in arm… and Archie starts goggling at a young lass wearing a tight, strapless yellow dress.

Then he offers Betty a drink on him… and shows her a drinking fountain. Archie then checks out the yellow dress girl again while squirting Betty in the face with water.

Like this!:

Whoa there! That’s a little premature!

“What happened?” Archie asks, hands spread while Betty gives him the ol’ stink eye (and it’s extra stinky!) She calls him an inconsiderate cunt and complains about being so hungry that she could “chew on an old glove”. Archie strokes his chin devilishly, remembering that this date would involve at least one or two foods. Would you like a slice of pizza or an old glove, my dear? *winks*

“I’ll show you I’m not cheap!” he takes her arm and pulls it out of her socket. “Come on!”

He orders pizza from a street vendor, but makes the inexcusable gaffe of ordering only ONE soda! This was the last straw! This is the part where Betty fills her purse with doorknobs and socks Archie in the teeth.

“How do I get myself in these situations?” he asks again, and fuck it, I just pissed myself!

”The Show-Offs”

Archie has a girl on each arm, and I bet you guess which two! Yes, that’s right, Gertrude and Hortense. “I’ll bet you can’t do this, Arch!” Reggie says, furiously masturbating. Actually, he is standing upside-down on one finger. Archie admits that he can’t do it, but the furious masturbation thing would be right up his alley, honestly.

Reggie is absolutely livid. So livid, in fact, that there are ANGER LINES emanating from his face. “What do I have to do to get those girls to pay some attention to me!” he asks himself lividly.

“Hey Arch, can you do a back flip?” he asks him like an incel. Betty (Gertrude) and Veronica (Hortense) disagree on where they want to go next: the park or the Chocolate Shoppe. This can be decided with a patented Reggie backflip! If he lands on his fat head, they’ll walk through the dang park. If he lands on his fat butt, the Chocolate Shoppe it is! Reggie looks positively livid.

“Reggie is such a show-off!” Betty says with a furrowed brow.

“Let’s get away from here!” agrees Veronica.

“I’m glad you’re not a show-off, Archie!”

“It’s nice to know a normal boy who can’t do any of those things!”

This is the part where Archie fucks up. “What do you mean I can’t do any of those things? — I’ll show you!”

Get a load’a this stupid asshole.

He then tries a handstand in front of the girls, who just look on with bemusement. He fails, so his next great idea is to leap over a wall. Betty and Veronica’s collective vaginas lose every bit of moisture possible as Archie crashes head-first into it. This is getting sadder and sadder, of course. Now that Archie has a concussion, the girls carry him to the hospital where he perishes after a 45-day coma.

”Show Time”

Archie is the host of the school radio program! And he sucks: “This is Station WRVRLKM, Riverdale High’s own radio station! And this is your old friend Lonesome Archie here to entertain you friends!”

Betty and Mr. Weatherbee look on with polite disapproval. Then Betty praises Weatherbee on his great idea to have a radio station in the school. Weatherbee kind of makes a “hmph!” face.

Archie spreads his hands and declares that tonight is Talent Night! Bring your juggling balls and your parachute pants. Jughead arrives into the studio with his crown and his cozy sweater; he’ll be the first Talent Show participant! And he has a card trick ready for the listening audience!

“CARD TRICK!” Archie screams with indignation. THIS IS A FUCKING RADIO SHOW, FUCK FACE! He shoves Jughead out of the room and breaks off their friendship forever.

Now it’s Reggie’s turn. He stands upside-down on his one hand, the trick he uses to not get any girls. Archie is so mad that he slaps Reggie down to the floor.

It’s Betty’s turn. She does a tap dance! Archie throws her in the trash.

Moose karate-chops a piece of wood in half. Archie shoots him in the head with a gun.

Archie decides to play some records, but he trips over a wire and breaks every single record in his stack.

“Well, Mr. Weatherbee, what do you think?” Betty asks smilingly.

“I think it’s the greatest television show I’ve ever seen!” Mr. Weatherbee says with a scowl. “Too bad we didn’t have a camera!”

*trombone fart*

Final Thoughts

Sorry that was so long, you guys. There was just so much damn Archie packed into every lovely panel. Until next time, groovy dudes, keep on truckin’.