Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7 – “Teenage Wasteland (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 4 of the Teenage Wasteland storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #7 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 1)”! I’m back at it, baby! Let’s see what these little whipper-snappers are up to now that they’re on their own. In the previous storyline, six rich kids from L.A. learn that their wealthy parents are leading double lives as supervillains. The kids witness the parents sacrificing a girl about their age during what looks like a ritual killing. Over the course of one night, the kids scramble to make sense of the situation and avoid being stopped – or worse – by their parents as they look for evidence they can take to the police.

It’s six kids against twelve adults, and although they handle their own for a brief time, they realize that they’re all in over their heads. They, as they say, run away. And they decide to atone for their parents’ supervillainous crimes by becoming superheroes.

Oh yeah, and some of them have powers and gadgets. We’ll see that fleshed out a little more, I’m sure.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [December, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 1)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #7

As I begin I realize I don’t remember any of these kids’ fucking names! Shorty? Draco? Francesca? Shit, man.

THE MINORU RESIDENCE – 10:55pm

“WHERE — IS – MY — CHILD?!”

The Steins attempt to talk down Frank Dean, father of Karolina Dean. See, I remember some stuff (after looking it up). Mr. Dean keeps using his alien powers to destroy shit in the lair, which the Minorus are less than pleased about TO SAY THE LEAST.

“We’re all adults here,” says Mr. Wilder. “Let’s start acting like it.”

SURE, let’s just be ADULTS. WATCH THIS, WILDER: *does taxes* *snorts cocaine*

Mr. Frank Dean was gone for one evening and now his daughter knows about her alien powers? WTF guys?

Mr. Wilder catches everyone up, including me. You see, the kids discovered their little Rite of Blood and this was already two nights ago. They’re aware of their super secret NAMBLA-esque organization, The Pride, but there is still much they don’t know. Such as all the NAMBLA-esque pancake breakfasts.

Mr. Yorkes points out that Wilder’s son, Alex, stole their Abstract. It contains everything they need to know to learn everything. EVERYTHING! Italics and Caps Lock, that’s what THIS ENTAILS.

Not Alex’s fault. Mrs. Dean just left the decoder ring for the Abstract out all willy-nilly. And furthermore–

“It will take months to decipher the sacred texts,” Mr. Wilder reassures everyone. And even if he does decipher it, then what? Take it to the police? Ha. The Pride owns the police. And also the town. And the mayor. And the mayor’s mistress. And the rest of the world, certainly.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

The little shit had it coming, idiot.

So yes, Alex was framed for both murder and the “kidnapping” of young Molly Hayes. Nico Minoru and Gertrude Yorkes are also implicated, because why not? Let’s throw each and every child we can under the Evil Bus. Everyone except Karolina, I guess, because Mr. Dean is still like “where the fuck is Karolina?”

Mr. Wilder didn’t want to implicate every single child in all six of their families, because then connections will be made and then they’ll ALL KNOW that they went to Arby’s together two nights ago. So Karolina Dean and Chase Stein are in the clear. For now.

Here’s another rub: Chase stole the magic gauntlets from the Steins’ workshop, and those are very powerful. They can win every arm wrestling match. And Gertrude has a velociraptor that listens to anything she days. And Nico has the Staff of One, which is even more powerful than the Staff of Two. Everything is falling apart!

And I’m not making any of this up. Writing all this out has made me realize how batshit bananas this comic is! I love it!

But will they use these weapons against them, their own parents? The consensus is a resounding “yes”.

One of them mentions a note that was left behind: one of their children, after all they’ve been through, remains loyal to The Pride. I forgot all about this. So there’s a mole in their midst! Delicious. Well, until the parents can figure out who it is, they have some damage control to take care of.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!

”THE HOSTEL” — Branson Canyon, California – 11:01pm

I almost wrote “Branson Canyon” as “Bryan Cranston”, so you know where my head is at right now. The kids are hiding out in that cave that Chase discovered a while ago that he uses to jack off in private. There’s no time for jacking off right now, though. Molly is riding Gertrude’s velociraptor and Alex tells her to get off of it because he’s trying to think of something else to do other than jacking off.

Gert’s alter ego is “Arsenic”, and she said that Molly can ride her dinosaur any day of the week! Molly is “Bruiser” and she thinks everything is hunky-dory now that she’s been informed that her parents are evil.

“Hey, do I really not have to finish fifth grade?” Bruiser asks.

“Nope, school’s over forever, kid,” responds Arsenic.

“That is awesome!”

Alex isn’t happy. This sounds pretty irresponsible, but Arsenic tells him to stuff it.

Karolina is “Lucy in the Sky”. Chase is “Talkback”.

Alex is just Alex because Alex is no fun. He’s the one tasked with trying to decipher the Abstract and it ain’t going well at all. Firstly, the Abstract is pretty abstract! Secondly, the decoder ring may have come from a box of Lucky Charms. He’s going to look into it! Did I make that up? You’ll never know, will you?

“I translated some of the first chapter, but I think it’s mostly historical stuff. Whoever wrote this thing keeps talking about these weird six-toed giants called Gibborim.” He needs some internet, but they’ll never have internet again. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Chase tells the group that he switched the plates on the Honda Civic they stole, which freaks everyone else out. It sounds extremely felonious. “Trust me, I read it in a true crime book. It works every time.”

It is pointed out that Lucy in the Sky, who has glowing and flying powers, isn’t glowing as much right now. Perhaps she loses some of her incandescence at night? Maybe she gets her powers from the sun? Who cares, that part doesn’t seem too important!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Nico’s staff is gone.

Nico is “Sister Grimm”, and her staff is gone. I know this because the panel shows her despondent and mentioning that her staff is gone. Lucy in the Sky suggests she just misplaced it! You know, a giant-ass staff.

“Alex, it feels like I have something in my eye, but instead of my eye – it’s… it’s my soul or my –” Pffft, I’m going to stop you right there, sister. That shit is laaaaame.

Well, here’s the thing that Alex isn’t shy at all to point out: Sister Grimm got fucking stabbed in the chest with it. Remember? Well, maybe it sunk into her body! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Bruiser thinks everything that everyone is talking about is fucking boring as shit. “I’m freaking starving.” Alex thinks that food isn’t a priority right now, but the others agree with On-Point Bruiser and not Wet-Blanket Alex. Between them they have $19 in cash. Time for some Arby’s! Someone mentioned that earlier and it sounded good…

Alex concedes and decides that they must all go to the store as a group so that the money is well-spent… except hey Gert/Arsenic you stay with Molly/Bruiser because she’s just a kid ain’t gone through no puberty yet.

Los Feliz, California – 1:39am

Incognito, the other four pull up to a convenience store which is currently being robbed, which sucks because they’re all hungry.

“What are we gonna do?” asks Lucy in the Sky.

“We are gonna get back in the van and jet before the cops show,” replies Alex.

“What?!” exclaims Talkback, talking back as usual. “But I thought you said we were supposed to help people! To make up for our parents’ crimes and stuff!”

No. Talkback doesn’t have his gauntlets. Lucy in the Sky isn’t glowing anymore. There’s a freakin’ staff in Sister Grimm’s chest. Which only appears again, apparently, when she gets cut with something, and– HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! Someone cut her with something so they can get the staff! Right?

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Is that a Staff of One or are you just happy to see me?

Talkbalk brandishes a pocketknife, which Sister Grimm promptly puts to the back of her forearm. “Heh. Sorta tickled that time,” she says as the staff rises out of her body. Talkbalk is thoroughly weirded out, but he is shut up quickly by Alex. Time to form a plan, kids.

Meanwhile, the convenience store clerk had just shot the robber in the chest and nothing happened. She’s confused! What is going on?! And–

KERRASSH. The window shatters inward. “Whoops,” Lucy in the Sky covers her mouth. “Sorry about your window, I was just trying to blind the bad guys.”

“Everyone put your hands up! You’re…” Alex stammers lamely. “You’re under citizen’s arrest.”

Cute.

“It’s Power Pack!”

“Kill ‘em!”

BLAMBLAMBLAM

Everything is happening so fast! And who is Power Pack?! And where are my pants?! The kids take cover while Sister Grimm readies her staff. “FREEZE.” She points it at the robbers, and a flock of pelicans bursts out of it. They start a-peckin’. Only for a second are they completely dumbfounded before Lucy in the Sky grabs the clerk and flies her away. Talkback keeps a hold on the second robber, “the little guy”. Alex yells at the other two to get down to the ground, but Alex gets thrown through a display of tasty potato chips.

Talkback still has his guy subdued, but the other two decide to book it. One is named Topher, proving once again that Eric Foreman thinks he’s a bigger badass than his 80-pound skinny ass actually is.

Talkback removes the third guy’s mask, and it’s revealed to be a teenage boy with an eyebrow piercing. “Please! Please don’t hurt me! I… I never wanted to be part of this! My mom and dad threatened to kill me if I didn’t help them! You have to believe me! My parents are evil.”

…

“Well then…” Alex extends a hand. “Welcome to the club.”

Final Thoughts

These kids are so out of their league. They deserve spankings from the villainous parental units. Too bad they’re going to be bumbling so hard that they’ll never be able to thwart their bumbling children.

Everyone’s Incompetent. That should’ve been the name of the series!


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Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3 – “After the Fall (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3 – “After the Fall (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, things are slowly starting to come together. A lord is dead at Angel’s hands and now other lords are popping up everywhere. The Eye of Ramras gives the holder more power, and therefore more opportunities to lord it up. Gunn, now a vampire, holds the Eye of Ramras, but Angel thinks Spike has it. After showing up to confront Spike and try to rope him into his bullshit all over again, Blue Fred sneaks up behind Angel and threatens death upon him!

Did I get all that right? I hope to make sense of all this by the end of the storyline or else I’m going to be in deep shit trying to get through all this! It might not even be worth it! Ha!

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3 [January, 2008]
Written by: Bryan Lynch / Joss Whedon
“After the Fall (Part 3)”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

See, I could’ve just pointed to the cover art and been like “there’s your recap”.

“The thing about Hell. It’s kinda what you’d expect. Yes, it’s hot. More humid than hot, really…” Angel is schooling us on the ins and outs of Hell, because he’s been there and it was a real trip, man. The sun and the moon are out at the same time, which means the werewolves are stuck halfway and the vampires always feel on the cusp of bursting into flames.

Demons don’t seem to be affected. They’re the lucky ones.

Blue Fred is really kicking Angel’s ass. Just walloping him to kingdom come. It’s probably because she was in Hell for a bit and she didn’t like it, but Angel thinks it’s unlikely. Primordial demons aren’t affected by Hell! There must be something else to it, like she left her glasses down there or something.

Spike reassures his harem that everything is cool, just a demon fighting a vampire. As they do. Relax.

“We need to talk,” says Angel.

“If I separate your pieces and hurl them in different directions, you will not return,” responds Blue Fred.

“Granted–” Angel concedes. He tries stabbing her in the side with a big ol’ knife, right through the armor. Ron Popeil was right about the sharpness of his knives!

“Annoying!” Blue Fred pulls the knife out of her and prepares to pull out half a dozen of her own knives! There’s a security guard writhing on the floor, so Angel steals his gun and aims it at Blue Fred. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what you know about Westwood.”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

Uh, yeah buddy, we all already knew that about Westwood.

More fighting. Angel wants answers and Blue Fred doesn’t want to give them up. She throws a few knives and pins him to the wall through his hands, lookin’ like Jesus. “I want you away,” she says plainly, readying a final knife.

“Is there a piece of Fred left?” Angel thinks to himself as Fred whines about Angel always being in the way.

Spike comes in the room now, finely robed as usual! He tells her to knock it out, shit’s getting old. Let him go. “If he’s gone,” she says, “we move forward.” Hard to argue with that logic! Moving forward is always a good thing. Time is an arrow after all.

Suddenly, an “AWUP AWUP” noise fills the air. Then a CRASH! Then a HONK HONK AWOOOGAH BEEP BEEP MOO! Angel’s dinosaur dragon whatever has smashed itself through the wall right near the three of them. Angel continues struggling to free himself from the wall while Blue Fred intends to take the giant beast out with her knife. “Don’t, lady.” Spike barely tries to stop her. “You’re in no condition.”

Doesn’t work. She’s all in on this one.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

YOU WANNA HIT ME? GO ON. HIT ME. HIT ME. DO IT, FUCKER.

The dragon blasts her point-blank with a mouthful of intense fire and heat. She looks marginally inconvenienced. She hoists her smoldering ass up from the floor and stares the dragon dead in the eyes. “More.”

Uh huh. So while they’re going at it, Spike helps Angel off the wall and carries him back outside. “Who else knows we’re here?” Spike demands of him. Obviously, since Angel was able to find them it may become common knowledge in about, oh… *checks watch* seventeen nanoseconds.

“WHO ELSE KNOWS WE’RE HERE?” Spike repeats. The dragon keeps blowing holes into the house.

“Right about now, I’d say anyone in a twenty-block radius who happens to be looking up.”

Cute.

The dragon has picked up Blue Fred with its tongue and prepares to swallow that shit. She looks terrified as the dragon snaps its jaws down around her. Spike is slightly despondent. Angel really fucked everything up for him after all. Always fucking everything up. Go back to Humid Hell where you belong, you nutsack.

The dragon spits Blue Fred back out and she slams through Spike’s decorative fountain of blood, which makes him even more despondent, if you can believe it. Get your dragon and leave immediately, Angel. This comic is clearly a bottle episode and we’re just spinning all our wheels here. Every wheel we’ve got.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

Don’t interrupt our flirting, babe.

Angel has had enough. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what you know about–”

“You don’t get it,” interrupts Spike. “You have no idea what you’re doing!”

He doesn’t know what he’s doing? You don’t know what you’re doing! NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING! Least of all me. Why am I doing this?

Angel points out that Blue Fred is acting strange, like she has emotions and shit. Connor steps into the scene, claiming that Spike and Blue Fred (“Illyria”, by the way) have nothing to do with anything. Spike’s a good guy now, remember? He’s got a soul [EDITOR’S NOTE: confirm this via Wikipedia or something before posting this and also don’t forget to edit this out of the post and also you owe me fifty bucks and a handjob] and he’s not afraid to use it!

Angel is quite confused. Spike’s on Connor’s side? On our side? Who what where why when? “If you had told me you were going to see Spike, I would have told you,” Connor claims, but he’s full of shit. “Spike goes on rounds. Half the people staying with me are sent from him.” He’s been saving so many people lately that Connor is starting to run out of room, so a lot of them are staying with Spike until Connor gets a bigger place. Only the sexy ones, of course!

OK, fine, whatever. Angel will see his ass out of here. He’s taking Blue Fred with him. “Do you need a ride?” he asks Connor, but Connor drove here. The dragon came on its own.

To recap, Angel killed the son of a lord and Spike is a cool guy now. Angel is like “buh” but it sounds like he’ll be able to wrap his head around it soon enough. Good lad. “At least Spike isn’t killing people. So much easier if Spike was killing people.”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

Spike’s just placing his erect genitalia into refugees like a Good Boy.

Back in L.A. where Wes is haunting the Hyperion hotel. He thumbs through a shelf of books, settling on one with a big pentagram on the spine. Or, perhaps, a Star of David! Boning up on Jewish history, are we? Angel returns from whence he came and decides not to tell Wes that Fred wasn’t there to stigmata his hands like a shish kebab. Wes would just get sad and stuff.

“Somebody wanted me there, somebody wants me to play his or her or its game.” Angel removes a rather unwieldy two-handed sword from the wall.

“So what should we do now?” Wes asks.

“Change the game.”

I propose a game of Yahtzee, but I’m guessing Angel wasn’t being literal.

Elsewhere, a gathering of the lords has commenced! The Lord of Compton! The Lord of Century City! The Lord of Los Angeles (Burge!) The Lords of Four Other Cities, Too! Just a diverse group of lovely demons.

Burge whines about his dead son at Angel’s hands, but Angel is why the lords are all here being lords (I guess) and stop whining. Burge says NO! And he wants to kill Angel quite brutally, please. He proposes a game of Yahtzee.

“Wolfram & Hart warned you not to,” says the Lord of Weho, with respect to the brutal killing idea.

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT WOLFRAM & HART! I WANT ANGEL!”

Angel shows up to the room. “’Kay. Let’s go, then.”

He’s here to strike a deal with the Lordy Lords. Here it is: he’s going to take down Burge and become the NEW Lord of Los Angeles? How about them apples?

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

You can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter”!

Burge shakes in his boots a little bit and decides to appoint a champion to fight in his stead. His best man for control of Los Angeles. Yes yes. Then it is settled! Except, you know, Angel wants to fight all the Lords right now. Yes yes. Then it is double-settled.

“One vamp in charge of the whole she-bang,” muses the Lord of Santa Monica.

“It doesn’t matter,” claims Burge, the Lord of His Own B-Hole. “All of our champions against Angel by his lonesome? It will be a slaughter!”

Wes in concerned. Burge makes a salient point here. Angel is like “uhhhhh we’ll think of something at the last minute ok don’t worry.”

Angel gets two days while the Lords gather their best men as champions. Which means, in comic terms, two issues. Two issues before Angel has to fight a group of mofos for Lordliness.

“Another thing about Hell. Doesn’t alter a vampire’s healing faculties, so a vamp can still mend quickly.”

Angel hobbles and grabs his side, wincing.

“Which, of course, would mean so much more if I were still a vampire.”

Final Thoughts

I almost wrote “vampire” as “campfire”, so at least this post wasn’t a terrible loss!

The rest of the storyline has been planned out, as you can see. Catch you on the flippity flop, dudemeisters.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 41: “Disagreements”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand and his posse are trudging through a very rainy Toman Head. Hurin is desperately trying to sniff out Padan Fain’s trail while Ingtar is all pissy about wasting time. Both Rand and Verin are pretty insistent that Fain is in Toman Head, specifically the coastal city of Falme. Ingtar doesn’t care. He just wants the Horn of Valere, please.

They hole up for the night and Rand has another one of those thrilling Ba’alzamon dreams. He’s playing chess with him with pieces shaped like erect penises. Also, he keeps calling Rand “Lews Therin” and he promises to kill him and everyone he loves. Rand insists that he is not Lews Therin and he is not the Dragon Reborn and he is not playing chess anymore with such crass chess pieces.

Rand draws up some of that juicy One Power and blows Ba’alzamon back with some force. He does it again, and Ba’alzamon roars that Rand is going to kill himself like an idiot if he keeps it up. Rand doesn’t listen, but he does stumble and fall after tapping out on saidin. Ba’alzamon promises that Rand will die unless he himself teaches Rand how to use the One Power correctly. Then Ba’alzamon vanishes in a puff!

That’s the end of the chapter. They’re starting to get shorter because Robert Jordan was rushing through to get started on the next 13 books.


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Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 5)”! We’re ending the storyline with a muted, halfhearted whimper. In the previous installment, Sana drops Han and Leia off at Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLERS’ MOON) where Han blasts the bounty hunter who is looking for him in the back with his CUM. Just kidding! He shot him dead I think!

Luke is in the middle of an arena fight with KONGO THE DISEMBOWELER and he’s having a hell of a time avoiding getting disemboweled. This is where the action really is, but I don’t have emotional investment in Luke Skywalker so I hope he actually does get disemboweled soon because I have pizza rolls in the oven.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12 [January, 2016]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 5)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12

Looking badass there with your lightsaber, Puke Skywalker. Did yer mommy give it to you?

(Obi-Wan is Luke’s mom)

Dengar the Bounty Hunter is not dead after all, but he might as well be. “Step away from the Wookiee, and I might just let you live,” says Han Solo the Biggest Badass this side of Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON).

Here’s Dengar with a suicide device. “If I let go of this thermal detonator, we all go up in flames together.” *fumble* Whoops!

Chewie picks this guy up and throws him off the building. Thermal detonator detonates, killing Dengar immediately. Let’s dust off our hands, gentlemen! Call it a day!

A happy reunion commences. Chewie, C-3PO, Han, Leia, all on Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON) for a single, stupid, useless purpose: to save Fluke Skywalker.

Leia spots a fleet of TIE fighters in the air and suspects that following them will lead them to their little friend. Meanwhile, their little friend is struggling to not suck at fighting Kongo the Disemboweler. “GAAARGH!” yells Luke as Kongo grabs his torso with a very large, metal hand.

“Death to the Jedi!” cries one spectator.

“Kill the pretty boy!” yells another.

“I wanna see it eat him!” screams yet another.

“MY BALLS ARE HUGE!” shouts another for some reason! Ha! Isn’t that funny? I’m so funny.

As Kongo lifts Luke closer and closer to his sexy, wet mouth, Luke prays to ol’ Ben Kenobi for a miracle. He could use one. Maybe the Force can help him, please?

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12

He can try turning water into wine. That’s always fun at parties.

Suddenly, as if by some sort of miracle that Luke asked for, something shoots Kongo right on his shock collar, rendering his metal arms sparking and useless. He drops Luke to the ground and collapses in a large heap. Grakkus the Hutt is LIVID. LIVID!

With a slice, one of Grakkus’ bodyguards becomes hella decapitated by a green lightsaber (a good guy lightsaber, for the record). It’s Gamemaster, and he’s betraying the fat slug. “The show’s over, Grakkus. Your arena is officially closed.”

Oh, and Grakkus is under arrest. *crickets*

While Gamemaster and Grakkus bicker like old biddies, Grakkus’ team heads down to the arena floor to confront Young Master(bater) Luke. Meanwhile, R2-D2 is milling around alone, obviously searching for a way to single-handedly thwart all the bad guys and save all the good guys at once.

“You filthy traitor,” Grakkus spews. “You dare turn informant on me? After everything I’ve done for you?”

“Only a Hutt would count not killing me as kindness,” retorts Gamemaster. “And I was always an Imperial spy, you idiot.”

Did Grakkus really think that he could hoard a bunch of Jedi artifacts under the Empire’s nose? Did Gamemaster really think that they could try to take down a Hutt and leave the SMUGGLER’S MOON alive? Did Luke really think he could beat Kongo the Disemboweler? Did Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher really think they could have a very public affair and get away with it??

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12

It’s the invisible radon cloud that he’s been really meaning to clear out.

“TRIGGER ARENA PROTOCOLS, GRAKKUS FIVE,” the Hutt says rather importantly. The whole arena starts flashing and crackling in white hot lightning, rendering the weapons of all of Gamemaster’s men inert. Now it’s Grakkus’ turn to have the upper hand! Rawr!

The crowd goes wild! “Twenty credits on Grakkus!” “I’ll bet he tears the next buckethead in half!”

Now Kongo is getting up and entering the fray again. “Grab the kid! Don’t lose the Jedi!” One of Gamemaster’s men tries to pick Luke up kicking and screaming. As the crowd runs away, R2-D2 launches Luke’s lightsaber to him from the stands. Now equipped with his trusty glowstick, he starts taking down the guards.

Han, Leia, Chewie, C-3PO, and Sana are in the concourse when the crowd starts stampeding out of the arena.

“If we get separated, meet back at the Falcon!” says Han

“You’re not getting separated from me, Han Solo,” says Sana. “Don’t even think about slipping away!”

“Why did you even leave your ship, Sana? This isn’t your fight!”

“I’m keeping an eye on my investment!”

Han and Co. try blasting Kongo with no success. Kongo barrels through, leaving the group gasping and panting among rubble, and not in a sexy way. Then R2-D2 shows up and conveniently provides the group with a pile of lightsabers! “Great,” Han says, frowning at his weapon. “Next some old wizard will be telling me to use the Force.”

Even though they have no lightsaber training whatsoever, Han’s group flicks on their lightsaber switches and enters the battle! Zip zow zee-dee zow! Swish swich fizz fizz! Troops are down! Yay! Let’s celebrate with a bag of Sunchips!

“Looks like you’re out of a job, Gamemaster!” Luke jubilates.

“Not exactly. Put down the saber, kid.”

“I thought you were training me to fight.”

“No, I was training you to die.”

How positively evil. Gamemaster kicks Luke in the stomach and sends him to the ground. This is, like, the third time Luke got kicked to the ground. If he loves the ground so much, why doesn’t he just marry it? Marry the ground.

Gamemaster reveals that he’s one of Vader’s stormtroopers. Time to take you in, kiddo. You can go to Star Destroyer jail! It’s cozy enough in there, with the lack of water and toilets.

While Gamemaster talks and talks and talks, he gets another surprise.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12

Grakkus getting a little too grabby today.

“I will feed you to my lizards, you wretched little man! And then feed those lizards to a bigger lizard! And then have that lizard barbecued!”

I can’t tell what happens next, but it looks like Gamemaster grabs a lightsaber off of Grakkus’ necklace of lightsabers and kills him with it? Is that accurate? Someone look it up for me.

Luke and Han reunite. After some kissy kissy, R2-D2 reveals that he found Obi-Wan’s journal, much to Luke’s pleasure! Han is disgruntled that all this was for a book, but Luke insists that there’s a whole room of Jedi artifacts and holocrons to check out. Like a museum of long-dead nerds.

Reinforcements show up: stormtroopers. A lot of them. More fighting ensues. Chewie grabs Luke with the intention of getting him out of dodge. Leia finds Sana trapped in some rubble, which Leia breaks up further with her lightsaber. At this point, Sana admits that she isn’t really Han’s wife. She is Sana Starros, and she knows that their marriage was a sham and a ploy. “Han took off… with my cut,” she says, finally revealing the truth of the matter at hand from her point of view. “Just promise me you won’t get Han killed before I get paid,” Sana grumbles. Leia can’t promise shit.

Grakkus isn’t dead, but he has been taken by the Imperial forces.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #12

If usefulness is measured by how much a Hutt can fart up a room, then yes, Grakkus will be eternally useful.

“He helped us rid the galaxy of more scattered traces of the Jedi,” says the Gamemaster, adding to the “farting up the room” bit. “The emperor will be pleased.”

Too bad Luke got away. Oh wellsies!

An unknown figure (it’s Darth Vader) asks how much Gamemaster learned about the boy. Did he give his name? No? Well, why the fuck not? Arrghh. Well, at any rate, he will be crushed like the rest of the Rebellion.

The Gamemaster is revealed to be named Sgt. Kreel. The unknown figure is revealed to be Darth Vader (it’s Darth Vader).

“Tell me what else you’ve learned of this boy. Tell me everything.”

Final Thoughts

Someone throw Luke Skywalker down a well. He blows up one Death Star and now everybody wants to help him or know everything about him.

Give me Han Solo any day. That guy’s a hunk o’ man.


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Only 17 More Procrastination Days Until the Jesus Festival

I’ve had various versions of blogs and websites continuously since 2000, and I have records of a lot of it since 2006. Once in a while I’ll dredge up an old post and feature it so that we can all laugh at the juvenility of my previous work and then laugh at how little it all has actually changed since. Enjoy.
Originally posted on my old blog on December 9th, 2013.

Bah Humbug! Wake up! Time is running out! Embrace capitalism and buy some shit for your friends and family!

Are the roads swarmed with Christmas shoppers to the point where even backing out of your driveway takes 74 hours? Abandon your fucking car on the shoulder and hoof it to Kmart, genius. I don’t care if you only have three payments left on it, consider it roadside scrap metal now. You’ve got more important things to worry about.

Those stores are completely clogged with the dregs of society, aren’t they? Waiting in line to buy Grandma’s new blender would’ve been a better idea at 3am when only half the town’s population was there shuffling around aimlessly while frowning at price tags. In order to reach the cashier it looks like you’re going to have to step on some necks. I kid you not, Christmas is a competition and you’ll be damned if you’re going to be falling behind because of pesky, weak-minded social behaviors such as “courtesy” or “decency”.


This woman is doing it right

What did your morbidly obese 11-year-old son want again? Playstation 4? Xbox One (the aptly named third Xbox)? Shit, maybe it was a one of those new Nintendos where Mario only moves when you flail on the couch like an epileptic dog? You’d better get it right, his white-trash best friend Dylan says “one of them is for faggots” and we all know Dylan has his finger on the pulse of gaming culture and which $500 box of plastic and circuits is more homosexual than the other $500 box of plastic and circuits. But wait, every store within a 750-mile radius is completely sold out? This isn’t good news at all. What did I just tell you about stepping on some necks? Geez, all right, well I hope your son will be happy with the “Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen: Get A Clue!” Gameboy Color game you found in the bottom of the bargain bin that hasn’t been perused since 2001. He won’t know the difference, right? Kids are stupid.

Are you finally done with all your shopping? Good, get that shit wrapped up. Wait, you didn’t get them gift-wrapped at the store? What’s the matter with you? All you had to do was donate five cents to the Boy Scouts of America and they would’ve fumbled with wrapping paper and scissors for 20 minutes while you go grab an Orange Julius, and now you’re stuck doing it yourself. Who has the time for that? Just throw it under the tree unwrapped, who cares. Christmas isn’t about effort.

Whew! That wasn’t too hard, was it? Now you have the rest of the holiday season to gripe about Christmas commercials and the many fruitcakes offered by your elderly neighbors and relatives without worrying about shopping. See what can be accomplished with a positive attitude?

Merry Christmas


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