Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “This has got to be dirty.”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Game storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “This has got to be dirty.”! So far this isn’t nearly as terrible as Red Hood and the Outlaws, but we still have time. In the previous installment, Catwoman is able to escape the police by throwing a bottle of rum into a fireplace! Like real life.

During Lola’s funeral, Selina catches up with an old friend named Gwen who makes her realize that she needs to start doing all her fencing alone so that none of her friends get wrapped up in her shit anymore.

While stealing some shit from drug dealers, Catwoman encounters a lady named Reach who can zap electricity from her hands. Reach proceeds to zap Catwoman 30,000 feet in the air for no reason other than, I don’t know, she felt like it? So how is Catwoman going to get out of this pickle before she either falls to her certain death OR gets sucked into a jet engine? Maybe some kids in a passing hot-air balloon will throw pretzels at her.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [March, 2012]
Written by: Judd Winick
“This has got to be dirty.”

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Catwoman is always torn up and bloodied. Is that supposed to be sexy, you fucking sickos?

Years ago, a young and green Selina starts freaking out during a burglary because the people who shouldn’t be there at the time are, in fact, being there at the time. Her buddy, Gwen, is equally freaked out. Their mentor, a woman by the name of I DON’T KNOW THEY DIDN’T SAY tells them to shut it. Getting caught is the fun part!

Today, and in the very immediate present, Selina is falling, falling, falling. “Options — options – options?! The whip! The whip! Yeah – the whip! Gotta whip something.”

Head down, ass cheeks in the air, she smiles as she hits other-way-around escape velocity. She’s landing near a construction site, so she is able to whip onto the end of a crane, not break the whip at all, bounce around the place, and come out with a small scratch on her elbow. While this all happens, she reiterates that her friend Lola is dead because of her and that she is very sad about it.

Reach is still hanging out, and Catwoman is scared because Reach is scary. “That was impressive,” she says. “And this is coming from a metahuman who fires anti-gravity beams from her hands.”

With a newfound respect, Catwoman and Reach become BFFs and go get ice cream. But not until Catwoman can get her dislocated shoulder back in its socket. She does it with a “COONK”, which is very cool onomatopoeia. I coonked your moms last night, dear readers.

So now that all her injuries have been managed, Catwoman still has the Reach problem to take care of. Reach offers to leave her alone if she stops her heist that I completely forgot about and walks away. Catwoman will also owe her a couple of favors. Catwoman gives Reach a big fuck-you in the form of a boot to the face! CRACK! TUNG! SCRAA-ACK! “That’s not how I roll. When people try to kill me I don’t hop into bed with them a tick later.”

Unless it was Batman, of course. If he threw a poison dart at her jugular vein you’d bet she’d get her bone on before she lost consciousness.

“I JUST KICK THEIR ASS! I’M FUNNY LIKE THAT!”

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

HA HA HA!! I’M LAUGHING! HA HA HA HA HAAAA!! IS ANYONE ELSE LAUGHING?? I DON’T HEAR ANYONE ELSE LAUGHING!!!

With Reach’s ass kicked, apparently, Catwoman walks away with a newfound sense of (fleeting) satisfaction with her bag of money that she had from the heist she did I guess.

What’s going on at the Gotham City Police Department?! Good old GCPD! No Jimmy Jim Gordon today, just Detective Alvaraz with his craaaazy theories! All seventeen of his open cases? All Catwoman. Check the forensic evidence, Lieutenant! *dumps a bag of jelly beans on his desk*

“Not now!” screams the Lieutenant Whatever His Name Is. Super Lieutenant Chalmers. He walks into a room with Detectives Mulrooney, David, and Ester. “This has got to be dirty,” Alvaraz says with a stupid scowl on his face. When lieutenants walk into rooms with detectives, it’s never good I always say.

With his stupid scowl on his face, Alvaraz eavesdrops through the closed door. Apparently, this Cat-like Woman has the duffel bag! The duffel bag from the Mission Bay Heist! The Mission Bay Heist! Did you get that? I’ll say it louder. THE MISSION B–

Alvaraz knows that the heist money is supposed to be in the evidence locker. He walks away to check while Lieutenant Fartface confirms that there was $425,000 in that god-durned bag.

Elsewhere, this shocks Selina “Gomez” Kyle to her very core! This isn’t just some drug money, this is hella drug money. She’s gonna be in deep shit, and someone is definitely going to be looking for it.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

And for the love of God, don’t lick it. Don’t lick the money. That’s how you get the dreaded syphilis.

But then she decides that it would be fun to try and get caught! Whatever.

So she spends her money on massages, expensive champagnes, manicures, eight-course meals, and all the finest manwhores Gotham City has to offer!

The masseur strikes up a conversation:

“How did you say you hurt your shoulder?”

“Tennis.”

“That must have been some match.”

“Dude, I almost died.”

So after more flirtatious lying, she tips a large amount of money to a serving woman, who shows it to her boss, who uses a computer to match it with stolen drug money, who calls the police. All in the span of about 45 nanoseconds. All the while Selina is like “no one’s going to find out this fast lol”.

So the serving woman excuses herself and announces an emergency staff meeting to all personnel. They leave Selina alone in the room. “This ain’t good,” she thinks.

Then the police arrive in 43 nanoseconds.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

OH NO, IT’S THE S.W.A.T. TEAM BOBA FETTS!

And she’s already gone. Jumping around like Catwoman again.

“Okay, this went bad very quickly. There’s at least eleven ways I can think of that I screwed this up, but none of them would bring in the cops.”

Idiot.

Miraculously, she jumps three stories and lands on a motorcycle. She goes down one alley and finds a barricade of cop cars in her way.

And as she spends the next few pages trying to avoid millions of cop cars that have flanked every street and park of the entirety of Gotham, Catwoman realizes that she didn’t steel drug money. She stole dirty cop money.

She crashes her bike and gets cornered by about five dozen cops with their guns drawn.

“I am so screwed.”

Final Thoughts

Yeah, no shit. Dumbass.


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Knocked Up (2007)

Tagline:
Save the due date.

Wide Release Date:
June 1, 2007

Directed by:
Judd Apatow
Written by:
Judd Apatow
Produced by:
Judd Apatow, Shauna Robertson, Clayton Townsend

Starring:
Seth Rogen
Katherine Heigl
Paul Rudd
Leslie Mann
Jay Baruchel
Jonah Hill
Jason Segel
Martin Starr

Knocked Up

PREGAME THOUGHTS

One of the theatrical posters for Knocked Up just showed Seth Rogen with his stupid face. At the time I thought it was the first I’m time I’d ever actually seen him, but untrue! I saw him in The 40-Year-Old Virgin two years earlier. This little anecdote is meaningless.

I never saw this movie before, but it came out right in the prime Apatow years. I expect a funny movie with touching moments and quirky characters! Nothing over-the-top. Enjoyable. Comfortable. Babies.

THE 450(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Once upon a time there were two young up-and-comers! Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl), who works for E! and interviews the likes of dapper Hollywood charmer Ryan Seacrest. Ben Stone (Seth Rogen), who smokes a lot of pot with his deplorable group of friends who are all working together to start up a ripoff Mr. Skin website. A match made in heaven, these two.

Knocked Up

HELLO LADIES, I’M AVAILABLE!!!

Alison gets a promotion and goes to a nightclub with her sister Debbie (Leslie Mann). Ben gets no promotion whatsoever, but goes to a nightclub anyway with his deplorable group of friends. Alison and Ben meet awkwardly and drink the pants off each other. Literally. After sobering up the next morning they realize that they’re two peas from different pods and say goodbye to each other forever.

Two months later, Alison experiences morning sickness during work and pukes in a trashcan. She pees on many brands of pregnancy tests and they all point to full-of-baby. After contacting Ben for the first time since their one-night stand, Ben is terrified but sort of kind of agrees to help support her. Alison’s mother urges her to get an abortion, but Alison decides to keep it.

Alison and Ben try to give a real relationship a try. Meanwhile, Alison is worried that she’ll get fired from E! if she starts showing, which is a legitimate concern for anyone trying to make it in the cutthroat, emotionally abusive game of Hollywood. Things go good. And they go not so good. Just like a real relationship! Alison eventually feels that Ben isn’t being very supportive, especially since her sister’s marriage model isn’t entirely happy. Debbie’s husband, Pete (Paul Rudd), has been suspiciously sneaking off at night under the guise of work. Suspecting an affair, it turns out he’s part of a fantasy baseball draft and/or going to the movies alone and/or jerking off by himself in a hotel (maybe). Debbie and Pete separate. Ben is on Pete’s side, which upsets Alison. Drama drama. Drama. Alison and Ben break up.

Knocked Up

I was just about to regale her with my fart joke collection.

Pete and Ben, these two sad sacks, they travel to Vegas, get fucked up on mushrooms, and realize that they need to salvage their respective relationships. Debbie similarly has an emotional breakdown and realizes that she needs to salvage her relationship. Debbie and Pete salvage their relationship. Ben tries to get back with Alison, but Alison doesn’t wanna. Ben becomes motivated to take this baby shit seriously; reading pregnancy books, getting a real job, getting his own apartment.

Alison goes into labor while her doctor, Debbie, and Pete are out of town. As a last resort, she calls Ben. They have a very touching, tender birthing process involving a lot of reconciliation and, like, birthing pain. They have a girl, and they begin a new life.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Havin’ a Baby

What Knocked Up does well enough is depict the anxiety of having a baby. From a MAN’S point of view (lol), having a baby sucks. Any woman will yell at me for this, and they should, because I’m not the one pushing a watermelon through the tiny hole in my dick. But I have anxiety and you can suck it. Having a baby sucks.

STORY TIME! My second child was conceived in early November, 2019. For those of you who are keeping notes, some horny nerd in China fornicated with a diseased bat later that month and caused a pandemic that we’re all still “dealing with” (read: “ignoring”) to this very day! In mid-March, one week after the ultrasound confirmed that the baby was a girl, we were in hella lockdown. I was working from home until noon everyday, and that meant reading a lot of Stephen King and watching through the US version of Shameless. I got to Season 3. I DIGRESS. In short, I was terrified out of my goddamned mind about having a baby during a pandemic with a disease that was killing stupid old people like Herman Cain. It all worked out fine, though! Except for my crippling anxiety.

Knocked Up

NOOO! NOOO! HAVING A BABY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!

TOPIC 2 — General Movie Thoughts

It’s been so long since I actually saw the movie before writing this that I don’t remember any of it anymore! I’m sure it was great, though.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

According to the DVD commentary, Jay Baruchel is terrified of roller coasters. He told Judd Apatow that he would be the naked guy in the earthquake scene if he didn’t have to ride the roller coaster. Apatow broke this deal by making Baruchel ride, so the part of the naked guy went to Jason Segel. Baruchel’s frightened reaction in the roller coaster scene is real.
The film debut of Jay Baruchel’s penis has been ripped from us unjustly. Sign my petition.

“Knocked Up” doesn’t mean anything in most languages. The film’s Russian title is “A Little Bit Pregnant.” In Brazil, it’s “Slightly Pregnant.” In Italy, it’s “Very Pregnant”. In Portugal, it’s “Bloody Bad Luck”.
In Iraq, it’s “The Crimes and Abominations of the Unmarried Harlot”. In China, it’s “Uncomfortable and Dishonored New Family”

Paul Rudd really does play Fantasy Baseball, like his character in the film.
See, this is the kind of trivia I like! This is what really gets me going! Paul Rudd is just a regular guy like you and me! He really does play Fantasy Baseball! I love this! Keep this kind of shit coming!

Katherine Heigl had to perform her sex scene with Seth Rogen two days after getting engaged.
It’s shame that Hollywood has enacted a penetration requirement in all sex scenes starting in 2004. It must make conversations about work awkward at the dinner table.

Knocked Up

Paul Rudd doesn’t approve.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

I think so. It has all the familiar beats of a lighthearted Judd Apatow comedy. Realistic characters, relatable and familiar situations, awkward comedy, complex narratives, the sad and the bittersweet mixed in with the happy and the warmhearted. I was the target audience for Apatow’s movies back in his prime, so to see Knocked Up for the first time in my 30s gives me hits of nostalgia.

If Apatow ain’t your thing, then Knocked Up ain’t your thing either. Go watch Spaceballs


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 42: “Falme”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Nynaeve and Elayne are skirting dangerously close to calamitous cockamamie cacophony by hanging around the alleys of Falme, watching all the damane and sul’dam passing by. Elayne had stolen those tasty, tasty apples, but Nynaeve pretends that she isn’t hungry. She begrudgingly takes an apple because she has lost 45 pounds and is waify as shit now.

Nynaeve is certain that there must be some way to disengage those damane collars via channeling. At some point she must try again! Eventually, they hide in an alleyway with a view of a damane / sul’dam hovel. They stake it out and hope they’ll catch Egwene or Min coming in or out.

Meanwhile, Egwene is in her cell picking at her collar lock subtly by channeling a little bit at a time, which hurts like a bitch I tell you whut. Min visits her cell dressed like a serving girl and tells Egwene that she has found a ship for them to set sail and fuck off from stinky Falme altogether. Egwene tells Min to go without her; Egwene passed some test where she “has an affinity for Earth”, which makes her so valuable that she’ll be on a ship anyway in a few days back to Seanchan. Min tells her to not give up and that there’s still a way to get out of this horrible nonsense.

Egwene relays her knowledge about two Aes Sedai captives who are so miserable that they want to kill themselves, and they can’t because they can’t channel without pain and permission. Egwene can sympathize, which pisses Min off. Just imagine Nyneave hearing that! She would box her ears for acting the goose!

Egwene can’t kill herself even if she wanted to, and she barely wants to. Hell, she thought about hitting Renna with a water pitcher and she couldn’t lift her arm for three days. Egwene gets hopeless, but Min reminds her that she’s all wrapped up with Perrin and Rand and whoever else, I don’t care. She’s still in her visions, she’s still important to the Pattern of the Threads of the Time Wheel.

Renna enters, seeing Min and Egwene chat. Renna decides that she’s been too lenient with Egwene, so she renames her after he cat and tells her that she’ll punish Egwene until she says she loves being a damane. And Renna has to believe it.

Fucked up, this is. Makes me want to get more Cheez-Its.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7 – “Teenage Wasteland (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 4 of the Teenage Wasteland storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #7 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 1)”! I’m back at it, baby! Let’s see what these little whipper-snappers are up to now that they’re on their own. In the previous storyline, six rich kids from L.A. learn that their wealthy parents are leading double lives as supervillains. The kids witness the parents sacrificing a girl about their age during what looks like a ritual killing. Over the course of one night, the kids scramble to make sense of the situation and avoid being stopped – or worse – by their parents as they look for evidence they can take to the police.

It’s six kids against twelve adults, and although they handle their own for a brief time, they realize that they’re all in over their heads. They, as they say, run away. And they decide to atone for their parents’ supervillainous crimes by becoming superheroes.

Oh yeah, and some of them have powers and gadgets. We’ll see that fleshed out a little more, I’m sure.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [December, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 1)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #7

As I begin I realize I don’t remember any of these kids’ fucking names! Shorty? Draco? Francesca? Shit, man.

THE MINORU RESIDENCE – 10:55pm

“WHERE — IS – MY — CHILD?!”

The Steins attempt to talk down Frank Dean, father of Karolina Dean. See, I remember some stuff (after looking it up). Mr. Dean keeps using his alien powers to destroy shit in the lair, which the Minorus are less than pleased about TO SAY THE LEAST.

“We’re all adults here,” says Mr. Wilder. “Let’s start acting like it.”

SURE, let’s just be ADULTS. WATCH THIS, WILDER: *does taxes* *snorts cocaine*

Mr. Frank Dean was gone for one evening and now his daughter knows about her alien powers? WTF guys?

Mr. Wilder catches everyone up, including me. You see, the kids discovered their little Rite of Blood and this was already two nights ago. They’re aware of their super secret NAMBLA-esque organization, The Pride, but there is still much they don’t know. Such as all the NAMBLA-esque pancake breakfasts.

Mr. Yorkes points out that Wilder’s son, Alex, stole their Abstract. It contains everything they need to know to learn everything. EVERYTHING! Italics and Caps Lock, that’s what THIS ENTAILS.

Not Alex’s fault. Mrs. Dean just left the decoder ring for the Abstract out all willy-nilly. And furthermore–

“It will take months to decipher the sacred texts,” Mr. Wilder reassures everyone. And even if he does decipher it, then what? Take it to the police? Ha. The Pride owns the police. And also the town. And the mayor. And the mayor’s mistress. And the rest of the world, certainly.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

The little shit had it coming, idiot.

So yes, Alex was framed for both murder and the “kidnapping” of young Molly Hayes. Nico Minoru and Gertrude Yorkes are also implicated, because why not? Let’s throw each and every child we can under the Evil Bus. Everyone except Karolina, I guess, because Mr. Dean is still like “where the fuck is Karolina?”

Mr. Wilder didn’t want to implicate every single child in all six of their families, because then connections will be made and then they’ll ALL KNOW that they went to Arby’s together two nights ago. So Karolina Dean and Chase Stein are in the clear. For now.

Here’s another rub: Chase stole the magic gauntlets from the Steins’ workshop, and those are very powerful. They can win every arm wrestling match. And Gertrude has a velociraptor that listens to anything she days. And Nico has the Staff of One, which is even more powerful than the Staff of Two. Everything is falling apart!

And I’m not making any of this up. Writing all this out has made me realize how batshit bananas this comic is! I love it!

But will they use these weapons against them, their own parents? The consensus is a resounding “yes”.

One of them mentions a note that was left behind: one of their children, after all they’ve been through, remains loyal to The Pride. I forgot all about this. So there’s a mole in their midst! Delicious. Well, until the parents can figure out who it is, they have some damage control to take care of.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!

”THE HOSTEL” — Branson Canyon, California – 11:01pm

I almost wrote “Branson Canyon” as “Bryan Cranston”, so you know where my head is at right now. The kids are hiding out in that cave that Chase discovered a while ago that he uses to jack off in private. There’s no time for jacking off right now, though. Molly is riding Gertrude’s velociraptor and Alex tells her to get off of it because he’s trying to think of something else to do other than jacking off.

Gert’s alter ego is “Arsenic”, and she said that Molly can ride her dinosaur any day of the week! Molly is “Bruiser” and she thinks everything is hunky-dory now that she’s been informed that her parents are evil.

“Hey, do I really not have to finish fifth grade?” Bruiser asks.

“Nope, school’s over forever, kid,” responds Arsenic.

“That is awesome!”

Alex isn’t happy. This sounds pretty irresponsible, but Arsenic tells him to stuff it.

Karolina is “Lucy in the Sky”. Chase is “Talkback”.

Alex is just Alex because Alex is no fun. He’s the one tasked with trying to decipher the Abstract and it ain’t going well at all. Firstly, the Abstract is pretty abstract! Secondly, the decoder ring may have come from a box of Lucky Charms. He’s going to look into it! Did I make that up? You’ll never know, will you?

“I translated some of the first chapter, but I think it’s mostly historical stuff. Whoever wrote this thing keeps talking about these weird six-toed giants called Gibborim.” He needs some internet, but they’ll never have internet again. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Chase tells the group that he switched the plates on the Honda Civic they stole, which freaks everyone else out. It sounds extremely felonious. “Trust me, I read it in a true crime book. It works every time.”

It is pointed out that Lucy in the Sky, who has glowing and flying powers, isn’t glowing as much right now. Perhaps she loses some of her incandescence at night? Maybe she gets her powers from the sun? Who cares, that part doesn’t seem too important!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Nico’s staff is gone.

Nico is “Sister Grimm”, and her staff is gone. I know this because the panel shows her despondent and mentioning that her staff is gone. Lucy in the Sky suggests she just misplaced it! You know, a giant-ass staff.

“Alex, it feels like I have something in my eye, but instead of my eye – it’s… it’s my soul or my –” Pffft, I’m going to stop you right there, sister. That shit is laaaaame.

Well, here’s the thing that Alex isn’t shy at all to point out: Sister Grimm got fucking stabbed in the chest with it. Remember? Well, maybe it sunk into her body! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Bruiser thinks everything that everyone is talking about is fucking boring as shit. “I’m freaking starving.” Alex thinks that food isn’t a priority right now, but the others agree with On-Point Bruiser and not Wet-Blanket Alex. Between them they have $19 in cash. Time for some Arby’s! Someone mentioned that earlier and it sounded good…

Alex concedes and decides that they must all go to the store as a group so that the money is well-spent… except hey Gert/Arsenic you stay with Molly/Bruiser because she’s just a kid ain’t gone through no puberty yet.

Los Feliz, California – 1:39am

Incognito, the other four pull up to a convenience store which is currently being robbed, which sucks because they’re all hungry.

“What are we gonna do?” asks Lucy in the Sky.

“We are gonna get back in the van and jet before the cops show,” replies Alex.

“What?!” exclaims Talkback, talking back as usual. “But I thought you said we were supposed to help people! To make up for our parents’ crimes and stuff!”

No. Talkback doesn’t have his gauntlets. Lucy in the Sky isn’t glowing anymore. There’s a freakin’ staff in Sister Grimm’s chest. Which only appears again, apparently, when she gets cut with something, and– HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! Someone cut her with something so they can get the staff! Right?

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Is that a Staff of One or are you just happy to see me?

Talkbalk brandishes a pocketknife, which Sister Grimm promptly puts to the back of her forearm. “Heh. Sorta tickled that time,” she says as the staff rises out of her body. Talkbalk is thoroughly weirded out, but he is shut up quickly by Alex. Time to form a plan, kids.

Meanwhile, the convenience store clerk had just shot the robber in the chest and nothing happened. She’s confused! What is going on?! And–

KERRASSH. The window shatters inward. “Whoops,” Lucy in the Sky covers her mouth. “Sorry about your window, I was just trying to blind the bad guys.”

“Everyone put your hands up! You’re…” Alex stammers lamely. “You’re under citizen’s arrest.”

Cute.

“It’s Power Pack!”

“Kill ‘em!”

BLAMBLAMBLAM

Everything is happening so fast! And who is Power Pack?! And where are my pants?! The kids take cover while Sister Grimm readies her staff. “FREEZE.” She points it at the robbers, and a flock of pelicans bursts out of it. They start a-peckin’. Only for a second are they completely dumbfounded before Lucy in the Sky grabs the clerk and flies her away. Talkback keeps a hold on the second robber, “the little guy”. Alex yells at the other two to get down to the ground, but Alex gets thrown through a display of tasty potato chips.

Talkback still has his guy subdued, but the other two decide to book it. One is named Topher, proving once again that Eric Foreman thinks he’s a bigger badass than his 80-pound skinny ass actually is.

Talkback removes the third guy’s mask, and it’s revealed to be a teenage boy with an eyebrow piercing. “Please! Please don’t hurt me! I… I never wanted to be part of this! My mom and dad threatened to kill me if I didn’t help them! You have to believe me! My parents are evil.”

…

“Well then…” Alex extends a hand. “Welcome to the club.”

Final Thoughts

These kids are so out of their league. They deserve spankings from the villainous parental units. Too bad they’re going to be bumbling so hard that they’ll never be able to thwart their bumbling children.

Everyone’s Incompetent. That should’ve been the name of the series!


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Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3 – “After the Fall (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3 – “After the Fall (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, things are slowly starting to come together. A lord is dead at Angel’s hands and now other lords are popping up everywhere. The Eye of Ramras gives the holder more power, and therefore more opportunities to lord it up. Gunn, now a vampire, holds the Eye of Ramras, but Angel thinks Spike has it. After showing up to confront Spike and try to rope him into his bullshit all over again, Blue Fred sneaks up behind Angel and threatens death upon him!

Did I get all that right? I hope to make sense of all this by the end of the storyline or else I’m going to be in deep shit trying to get through all this! It might not even be worth it! Ha!

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3 [January, 2008]
Written by: Bryan Lynch / Joss Whedon
“After the Fall (Part 3)”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

See, I could’ve just pointed to the cover art and been like “there’s your recap”.

“The thing about Hell. It’s kinda what you’d expect. Yes, it’s hot. More humid than hot, really…” Angel is schooling us on the ins and outs of Hell, because he’s been there and it was a real trip, man. The sun and the moon are out at the same time, which means the werewolves are stuck halfway and the vampires always feel on the cusp of bursting into flames.

Demons don’t seem to be affected. They’re the lucky ones.

Blue Fred is really kicking Angel’s ass. Just walloping him to kingdom come. It’s probably because she was in Hell for a bit and she didn’t like it, but Angel thinks it’s unlikely. Primordial demons aren’t affected by Hell! There must be something else to it, like she left her glasses down there or something.

Spike reassures his harem that everything is cool, just a demon fighting a vampire. As they do. Relax.

“We need to talk,” says Angel.

“If I separate your pieces and hurl them in different directions, you will not return,” responds Blue Fred.

“Granted–” Angel concedes. He tries stabbing her in the side with a big ol’ knife, right through the armor. Ron Popeil was right about the sharpness of his knives!

“Annoying!” Blue Fred pulls the knife out of her and prepares to pull out half a dozen of her own knives! There’s a security guard writhing on the floor, so Angel steals his gun and aims it at Blue Fred. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what you know about Westwood.”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

Uh, yeah buddy, we all already knew that about Westwood.

More fighting. Angel wants answers and Blue Fred doesn’t want to give them up. She throws a few knives and pins him to the wall through his hands, lookin’ like Jesus. “I want you away,” she says plainly, readying a final knife.

“Is there a piece of Fred left?” Angel thinks to himself as Fred whines about Angel always being in the way.

Spike comes in the room now, finely robed as usual! He tells her to knock it out, shit’s getting old. Let him go. “If he’s gone,” she says, “we move forward.” Hard to argue with that logic! Moving forward is always a good thing. Time is an arrow after all.

Suddenly, an “AWUP AWUP” noise fills the air. Then a CRASH! Then a HONK HONK AWOOOGAH BEEP BEEP MOO! Angel’s dinosaur dragon whatever has smashed itself through the wall right near the three of them. Angel continues struggling to free himself from the wall while Blue Fred intends to take the giant beast out with her knife. “Don’t, lady.” Spike barely tries to stop her. “You’re in no condition.”

Doesn’t work. She’s all in on this one.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

YOU WANNA HIT ME? GO ON. HIT ME. HIT ME. DO IT, FUCKER.

The dragon blasts her point-blank with a mouthful of intense fire and heat. She looks marginally inconvenienced. She hoists her smoldering ass up from the floor and stares the dragon dead in the eyes. “More.”

Uh huh. So while they’re going at it, Spike helps Angel off the wall and carries him back outside. “Who else knows we’re here?” Spike demands of him. Obviously, since Angel was able to find them it may become common knowledge in about, oh… *checks watch* seventeen nanoseconds.

“WHO ELSE KNOWS WE’RE HERE?” Spike repeats. The dragon keeps blowing holes into the house.

“Right about now, I’d say anyone in a twenty-block radius who happens to be looking up.”

Cute.

The dragon has picked up Blue Fred with its tongue and prepares to swallow that shit. She looks terrified as the dragon snaps its jaws down around her. Spike is slightly despondent. Angel really fucked everything up for him after all. Always fucking everything up. Go back to Humid Hell where you belong, you nutsack.

The dragon spits Blue Fred back out and she slams through Spike’s decorative fountain of blood, which makes him even more despondent, if you can believe it. Get your dragon and leave immediately, Angel. This comic is clearly a bottle episode and we’re just spinning all our wheels here. Every wheel we’ve got.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

Don’t interrupt our flirting, babe.

Angel has had enough. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what you know about–”

“You don’t get it,” interrupts Spike. “You have no idea what you’re doing!”

He doesn’t know what he’s doing? You don’t know what you’re doing! NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING! Least of all me. Why am I doing this?

Angel points out that Blue Fred is acting strange, like she has emotions and shit. Connor steps into the scene, claiming that Spike and Blue Fred (“Illyria”, by the way) have nothing to do with anything. Spike’s a good guy now, remember? He’s got a soul [EDITOR’S NOTE: confirm this via Wikipedia or something before posting this and also don’t forget to edit this out of the post and also you owe me fifty bucks and a handjob] and he’s not afraid to use it!

Angel is quite confused. Spike’s on Connor’s side? On our side? Who what where why when? “If you had told me you were going to see Spike, I would have told you,” Connor claims, but he’s full of shit. “Spike goes on rounds. Half the people staying with me are sent from him.” He’s been saving so many people lately that Connor is starting to run out of room, so a lot of them are staying with Spike until Connor gets a bigger place. Only the sexy ones, of course!

OK, fine, whatever. Angel will see his ass out of here. He’s taking Blue Fred with him. “Do you need a ride?” he asks Connor, but Connor drove here. The dragon came on its own.

To recap, Angel killed the son of a lord and Spike is a cool guy now. Angel is like “buh” but it sounds like he’ll be able to wrap his head around it soon enough. Good lad. “At least Spike isn’t killing people. So much easier if Spike was killing people.”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

Spike’s just placing his erect genitalia into refugees like a Good Boy.

Back in L.A. where Wes is haunting the Hyperion hotel. He thumbs through a shelf of books, settling on one with a big pentagram on the spine. Or, perhaps, a Star of David! Boning up on Jewish history, are we? Angel returns from whence he came and decides not to tell Wes that Fred wasn’t there to stigmata his hands like a shish kebab. Wes would just get sad and stuff.

“Somebody wanted me there, somebody wants me to play his or her or its game.” Angel removes a rather unwieldy two-handed sword from the wall.

“So what should we do now?” Wes asks.

“Change the game.”

I propose a game of Yahtzee, but I’m guessing Angel wasn’t being literal.

Elsewhere, a gathering of the lords has commenced! The Lord of Compton! The Lord of Century City! The Lord of Los Angeles (Burge!) The Lords of Four Other Cities, Too! Just a diverse group of lovely demons.

Burge whines about his dead son at Angel’s hands, but Angel is why the lords are all here being lords (I guess) and stop whining. Burge says NO! And he wants to kill Angel quite brutally, please. He proposes a game of Yahtzee.

“Wolfram & Hart warned you not to,” says the Lord of Weho, with respect to the brutal killing idea.

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT WOLFRAM & HART! I WANT ANGEL!”

Angel shows up to the room. “’Kay. Let’s go, then.”

He’s here to strike a deal with the Lordy Lords. Here it is: he’s going to take down Burge and become the NEW Lord of Los Angeles? How about them apples?

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #3

You can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter”!

Burge shakes in his boots a little bit and decides to appoint a champion to fight in his stead. His best man for control of Los Angeles. Yes yes. Then it is settled! Except, you know, Angel wants to fight all the Lords right now. Yes yes. Then it is double-settled.

“One vamp in charge of the whole she-bang,” muses the Lord of Santa Monica.

“It doesn’t matter,” claims Burge, the Lord of His Own B-Hole. “All of our champions against Angel by his lonesome? It will be a slaughter!”

Wes in concerned. Burge makes a salient point here. Angel is like “uhhhhh we’ll think of something at the last minute ok don’t worry.”

Angel gets two days while the Lords gather their best men as champions. Which means, in comic terms, two issues. Two issues before Angel has to fight a group of mofos for Lordliness.

“Another thing about Hell. Doesn’t alter a vampire’s healing faculties, so a vamp can still mend quickly.”

Angel hobbles and grabs his side, wincing.

“Which, of course, would mean so much more if I were still a vampire.”

Final Thoughts

I almost wrote “vampire” as “campfire”, so at least this post wasn’t a terrible loss!

The rest of the storyline has been planned out, as you can see. Catch you on the flippity flop, dudemeisters.


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