The Third Session Photos

I had to cancel my last session on December 16th due to EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES; postponed until January 19th. I’m getting tired of getting tattooed and I was looking forward to wrapping this shit up so I can eat some fucking figgy pudding and get through my winter in a haze of hypothermia, but now I have to WAIT again. Blah.

In the meantime, here are the photos from Session #3. Things are pretty much done. My tattoo artist could die tomorrow and I’d be satisfied enough.

I hope my tattoo artist doesn’t die tomorrow. :[

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Session 3

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Session 3


Click here to ridicule this post!

The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 40: “Damane”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Out of the Waygate and into the hearts of many! Egwene, Nynaeve, Elayne, Min, Garfunkel, Oates, and Liandrin have made it to Toman Head rather effortlessly through the polluted Ways. Probably because Liandrin is some fuckin’ Darkfriend Black Ajah hag in Red Ajah’s clothing! Calling it now, because fuck her. She fucking sucks. And this chapter will prove it quite further.

Egwene notices the sul’dam and the damane ambling around, plus this one woman named the High Lady Suroth who has half her head shaved. She seems pretty punk, actually. Suroth asks Liandrin to shake a leg, so Liandrin pushes Egwene and Nynaeve forward. Before she knows what the fuck is happening, Egwene gets a collar snapped around her neck.

Egwene sees that he collar is linked to a woman’s bracelet, so she spins around and socks the woman right in the face. This causes Egwene to suddenly double over in pain. When she comes to, she sees Min on the ground and Elayne and Nynaeve gone. The woman with the bracelet is named Ranna, and she’s the sul’dam (Holder of the Leash) to Egwene’s damane (a Leashed One). Leashed Ones are like little Aes Sedai pets, trained to obey fully. Any harm that Egwene brings to Renna will be felt by Egwene two-fold. Killing? Don’t even fucking think about it, kiddo. You’ll die six ways from Sunday before you even hit the ground on your face.

While Egwene learns the ins and outs of being some cunt’s little pet, Suroth and Liandrin argue over the failed capture of Nynaeve. Perhaps Liandrin can fill in? Hint hint? The two have a standoff, and since one is afraid of the other, it doesn’t lead to much other Suroth promising that Liandrin will someday be Leashed. Suroth orders the search to be canceled, that she will waste no more time on it. Liandrin had better do it for them! Meanwhile, Renna and Egwene will soon set off to Falme and then the sea.

Suroth tells Egwene, who begs for Min’s life, that she’ll spare Min as long as Egwene listens to every. goddamned. thing. Renna. says. Later, Renna hurts Egwene for speaking to Suroth and tells her that everything that happens to Egwene is her own fault. Bad dog!

Nynaeve, hiding, ends up finding Elayne and they’re both relieved to see each other. Elayne beats herself up for being a coward and running away, not fit for the royal throne, which causes Nynaeve to slap her around for about 20 minutes. At least she doesn’t have a collar around her neck!

And since Nynaeve heard Suroth mention Falme, they now know where to go next.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “You… still in the game?”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Game storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “You… still in the game?”! In the previous installment, Catwoman avenges her friend Lola’s death by beating the unholy garbage out of some douche named Bone. She would have killed him, but Batman stops her before it’s too late. It was the best scene of the series so far and Batman ruined it.

In the end, she smartly decides to return to Lola’s apartment and burn anything that could tie her to Lola’s crimes. Dumbly, she gets caught be the police who break open the apartment door, catching her burning evidence while squatting over a dead body. Cliffhanger of the century! It’s going to get ruined by Batman again, though. Guaranteed.

This is not a terrible series so far. Dumb stuff has happened, yes, but at least it’s somewhat interesting. Not sure why this gets way more flak than something like Red Hood and the Outlaws, but time will make fools of us all!

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Judd Winick
“No one can find any piece of me here.”

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Is that the right expression for that context? A penny saved is a penny earned!

Three days later, Catwoman is obviously not in a maximum-security prison trying to hock cigarettes for contraband coins that she can use to buy other cigarettes. But she did jump out of a window and crush the roof of a car. I guess this is what the kids call a “hook”, but we are obviously not going to address this right now.

Three days earlier than three days later, Selina gets caught in Lola’s apartment by the police. “FREEZE!” says the police. Selina freezes for about six nanoseconds before she makes a move. “Okay. So this is bad on many levels. The cops have barged in to find a body. Burning evidence. And Catwoman. But I see the bottle of rum that the bastards who killed Lola were doing shots out of.”

So she kicks the bottle into the fire and jumps. The resulting fireball blows the cops away, which is some ‘70s action movie shit. Then she unties Lola’s corpse from the chair and jumps out onto the street.

“Batman told me I needed to stop ‘all this’ before I got someone hurt. Too late.”

Yes, yes, yes, we’ve already spent a good chunk of the comic book reiterating that which we already know. Get on with it! I’ve got snacks to snack on!

Later, there’s a funeral with a lot of sad people standing around looking sad, as one does at a funeral if he or she is sad that someone died. Catwoman goes on to explain that she had to give Lola up to cover her own ass, which is NOT AT ALL what she wanted to do, but them’s the breaks when it comes to self-preservation.

Selina met Lola when she was 16. Lola had a lot to teach her. Selina sucked at learning!

As she walks away from the funeral, Selina runs into an old friend…

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

It’s like, you know—and the thing with the—and, you know—like, and the thing—and, like, you know—and the thing–

Her name is Gwen, and she and Selina used to run around together performing relatively larcenous crimes until the thing with the thing happened. Then it was not happening anymore, so to speak! They catch up at a coffee house.

“Any idea how this happened to Lola? Who got her?” asks Gwen.

Selina ruminates upon her encounter with Bone. “No.”

“You… still in the game?”

Selina ruminates upon her tendency to be Catwoman. “A little.”

“You went through Lola?”

Selina ruminates upon going through Lola. “A bit.”

Gwen admits that she’s still in the game, too. Although a bit more clandestinely than the bull-in-a-motherfucking-china-shop that Selina is. Gwen offers to help Selina if she ever needs a hand, but Selina is already thinking that she’ll never call Gwen ever because a) she smells, and b) she smells bad. “Lola’s dead,” she thinks. “That’s on me. For now… I work alone.”

Cut to the police station where a certain Detective Alvarez is asking a certain Lieutenant Winston for a certain forensic technician to review some evidence. Winston is like “NO, BUTTHEAD, WE DON’T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR ONE MEASLEY LITTLE FORENSIC TECHNICIAN. INTO THE BRIG WITH YOU.” Actually, it’s because Alvarez needs this tech for seventeen cases he’s working on, which sounds like an awful lot of cases to be worrying about all at once. I’d quit my job if I had seventeen simultaneous cases. I’d never look back.

Detective Alvarez was good at Homicide. Now he’s in the Robbery division and he sucks major ass. And he’s there all because he caught the deputy mayor bangin’ some lady.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

What’s up, you lovebirds? *wink*

Winston asks if Alvarez wants this forensic tech merely because he thinks all seventeen cases are connected. Alvarez says no, he thinks they’re all the same perp.

Cut to Catwoman, who is all the same perp. She just ripped off some drug dealers and is now doing cartwheels and backflips all over town. She’s fencing for a skeezy guy named Bertrom, who wants to hit that shit. “Lola usually vetted stuff like this for me. But I don’t have her now.” Get over it, sister.

As she does her dainty acrobatics, she suddenly gets hit with electricity mid-air and drops her duffel bag. Then she crashes on top of a car, which happened three days after three days earlier. Then she gets lifted into the air again by more electricity.

The assailant is some mutant lady wearing a denim vest with the arms cut off.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

ISN’T OUR ENCOUNTER ELECTRIFYING, CATWOMAN??? MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

She knows Catwoman, but Catwoman doesn’t know her from Adam. And she knows Adam. West, that is. The sexiest Batman.

“I’m called Reach,” she says, continuing to zap Catwoman with enough volts to kill a herd of elephants and then turn them into elephant burgers. Catman feels kinda screwed right now, wondering what she did to anger this very strong, zappy woman. She tries to get a few scratches in so she can run, but it doesn’t work very well at all. “I just need—whu-oh. Aw crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Cra-aaaap!” That’s the incessant whining who is getting zapped straight up into the sky, four times higher than Gotham’s tallest skyscraper.

“They say cats always land on their feet. But dying feet first doesn’t comfort me.”

She’s as high as an airplane! Must have been all that weed lmao lol lol

Final Thoughts

First Bone, and now Reach? What’s this now? Let’s just keep throwing villains at Catwoman for no reason. Who’s next? Stump? Beef? Crag? Chomp? Let’s keep ‘em coming why the fuck not.


Click here to ridicule this post!

The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 39: “Flight from the White Tower”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

The time has come, the Walrus said, the leave the White Tower on a mission to Toman Head. Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne scurry along while Min brings up the rear with their luggage. They make it to the stables where the stable boy was only expecting two people. Nynaeve threatens him with a knuckle sandwich from Fist City, and the stable boy saddles up four horses ma’am, right away ma’am. They ride out to the stedding.

When they might up with Liandrin, she is quite pissed that Elayne and Min are there. But no matter, I guess the other two can come. Whatever. Now let’s book it before the Black Ajah catch on to this shady shit.

And book it they do until they reach a Waygate. The girls are scared, but Liandrin’s got this. The Black Wind won’t bother them. Liandrin will just shoo it away! Easy peasy. It seems like it takes days to travel through the Ways, all the while the girls try to have conversations about Rand without Liandrin overhearing. Egwene dreams again about the “man with fire in his eyes”. Eventually, they finish their Ways journey and end up on the other side.

I imagine the Ways are kind of like those Firebreak sections in the Control video game. Only a lot more twisty and turny. And, also, a Smoke Monster like the one in Lost! Sounds really stupid, right?

Right.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45 – “Guilt”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Irresponsible storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45 – “Guilt”! In the previous installment, Spidey hangs out with the X-Men for a bit of the evening and learns that Geldoff’s mother’s placenta had been injected with mutant agents while Geldoff was in the womb! So the X-Men are going to get to the bottom of this in an equally immoral manner, and Spidey is just going to have to deal with that.

As a result of this trip to the Professor Xavier School, Peter Parker arrives home roughly 49 hours after curfew and Aunt May is one cunt hair away from giving her nephew the caning of a lifetime. Let’s watch! This is going to be good. Something big always happens in the last issue of a storyline, and this time it’s going to be a “no TV dinners for a year” punishment.

(For those keeping track, that’s the 408th joke about TV dinners that I’ve made in this blog. It will not be the last.)

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45 [November, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Guilt”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45

Another issue, another Spider-Man bulge. I never, ever get tired of looking at it!

Aunt May lies down on a chaise lounge, arms folded in a manner of unbridled defiance. Her therapist smiles kindly at her. “So… May… how have you been sleeping?”

May stares daggers at her, so she changes the subject to Peter. May recalls the events from her point of view from Issues #43 and #44. The school needed to be evacuated. She rushed out of work to pick up Peter, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t at school, work, or home. A teacher calls and tells her that Peter wasn’t even there before the evacuation! She was beside herself with worry, fear, and an urge to kick her nephew’s skinny ass.

So when he finally came home, May scared the shit out of him by hootin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’. Peter stays silent, petrified, rooted to his spot. Then May grabs his backpack. “I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO ALL DAY THAT YOU DIDN’T GO TO SCHOOL!!” Peter is pooping his well-stained underpants.

May is just about to catch a glimpse of Peter’s Spider-Man costume when a heavy book THUMPs to the floor.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45

The Howard Pyle classic, now with 50% more eroticism!

It’s a book. The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood. This nerd has this book in his backpack and May fawns over it, remembering that it was his mother’s. “I remembered her reading it to me, and I wanted to read it again.”

May starts feeling bad while Peter lies his pants off about playing hooky to read a children’s book. He’s like “I only skipped Geometry, it’s fine, I’m ahead anyway, I go to the food court and read all the time, leave me alone you awful, nasty Hellbitch.”

After Peter insists that he didn’t know this would freak May out so much, May sits down and holds her face in her hands.

“I won’t do it again, I promise.”

“I thought you were dead.”

How’s that for some therapy! Her therapist suggests that maybe Peter is on drugs and should be treated poorly like the degenerate junkie that he is. May doesn’t think he’s on drugs, necessarily, but she’s not above treating him like a degenerate junkie. Maybe she can lock him in a closet to “detox”.

May changes the subject. “This is embarrassing to say out loud. It’s– uh– It’s Spider-Man.”

I forgot which issue this was, so I can’t reference, but there was a scene where a few punks on roller blades and skateboards were blasting through a crowded sidewalk stealing purses and bags. May comes out of the grocery store and witnesses Spider-Man cartwheeling around, doing flips, and all around relishing in jovial merriment while he put a stop to the roughhousing of the ruffians. KICK PUNCH THUNK WHAP HONK MOO

“This is the world I live in? This is the world I have to worry Peter is in? I can’t even wrap my head around it.”

Every time Peter leaves the house, May has to worry about Spidery Men out to kill kids like him. Chewing them up and spitting them out like useless, but tasty, tobacco. Or Tabasco. Chaos! Bedlam! Malarkey! “On top of war, terrorism, violence. All those things. Now we have people that run around in their pajamas and do whatever they want? Whatever they want – whenever they want?

Yeah, it sucks. But it’s Chinatown, baby.

She hears the name “Spider-Man” everywhere now. Everywhere she goes. The grocery store and the porno shop. “My neighbor thinks he lives in our neighborhood. And everyone is always seeing him.”

And he’s involved in everything! May’s eyes bug out as she describes all the shit she’s been hearing from other people and in the news. Spider-Man this! Spider-Man that! Spider-Man over there! Look out, kids, it’s Spider-Man! Hotcha!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45

Fuck that dad. I’m glad he’s dead.

May whines for another seven pages. Ultimately, she thought Peter was dead, but not hit by a bus or falling down a manhole or getting hit by a nuclear bomb or having a heart attack or getting his penis caught in the subway doors or getting mugged by aliens. She thought Peter was dead because Spider-Man killed him.

lmao

Now the therapist decides to ask May if she feels guilty for going to therapy. And yes, she does, mostly because she didn’t go when Peter’s mother died, and she didn’t go when Uncle Ben died. She started going when Gwen Stacy’s dad died. Probably because now she has to take care of Gwen, and she’s a huge slutty slut. “I’m just sick of the whole thing,” she says, probably referring to everyone around her dying. Probably her fault, too. She should feel guilty!

She admits that she thinks she’s using Gwen. Gwen may be grieving and seeking support from May, but May’s the one getting the support. She didn’t take Gwen into her home “out of the goodness of her heart”. She’s using her to feel better.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45

May be Scroogin’.

Then she talks about “the ghosts”, which unnerves the thus-far stoic therapist. The ghosts don’t really talk and she can’t see them, but when it’s quiet she knows they’re there. One more weird sentence from May and she’s off to the loony bin! That would be a fun storyline. Peter vists May in a straitjacket while she froths about Spider-Man and the ghosts!

So, in short, Gwen is there to break up the silence. Especially since that Peter motherfucker is always out of the dang house.

Peter found an old tape in the basement. It was of a picnic with the Brock family, as as one recalls. The people in the tape are May’s “ghosts”. Ben. Little Peter. Her friends. The woman in that tape was happy. HAPPY! Now the woman from the tape is sad. SAD! “Why can’t I love someone without them dying?”

May’s getting rather dramatic and it’s making me uncomfortable. Why isn’t she being considerate of others here?

We get to the topic of MJ. Every night, since he was a little boy, May would check on him in his bed. Now, half the time, he isn’t there anymore. He sneaks out of the house to cavort with the little red-headed tramp next door. But how mad can she get? The kid does his homework and eats his vegetables. The kid has lost a lot in his life, why deprive him of this kind of happiness? And pussy? “Are you worried that they are having sex?” the therapists asks, eyes narrowing as if sex lead to Nazism (which we all know the opposite is true; Nazis are a bunch of virgin losers). May deflects and reiterates that she lets him have the freedom and then yells at him about how much freedom he has when he shows up at home.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #45

You’re starting to give me the creeps, lady.

And she’s pushing him away, seemingly on purpose. Because if she lets him get to close, HE’LL DIE! PENIS CAUGHT IN THE SUBWAY DOORS!

The therapist is like, that’s not the way the world works, dingbat.

May already knows this, and shut up. Then she repeats herself again and I ain’t paraphrasing that shit.

Finally, finally, the therapist gets to talk. She tells May to lighten up and stop feeling so guilty. Dingbat. Instead of having a pity party and drinking yourself into oblivion, you brought a girl into your home and are taking care of her. Maybe you need her more than she needs you. Fine. It’s called being human and whatnot.

But talk to Peter more. The kid is obviously disturbed and needs to stop jerking off so much.

Also, obviously May was in love with this Captain Stacy and that’s fine too. Shut up about it.

The Spider-Man thing? That’s a topic for next time. Sit with it another week, why don’t ya.

May walks home and finds Peter in a robe. As most 15-year-olds are found to wear on a weekday night. She tries to chit-chat but he feels weird about it, then she suggests going on a little date. An outing. Burgers and fries and comic books. Pizza and a movie theater. Just two buds. RIGHT NOW. Pack your parka, son.

“I have homework,” Peter smiles.
“Fuck homework,” responds May. Again, paraphrasing.

Peter’s like YAY!

May’s like WOO HOO!

All smiles. Happy ending.

Final Thoughts

I hate happy endings!


Click here to ridicule this post!