The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 38: “Practice”

Egwene and the Girls are hanging out in their college dorm. Nynaeve is frustrated that she’s had to resist the urge to play with saidar within the last few months outside of lessons, but Egwene is taking the risk and doing it anyway. Min and Egwene talk about Galad, that sexy piece o’ man, and how he seems to have eyes only for Egwene and no one else. Egwene blushes and gets moist in the ol’ loins, which is gross and I’m sorry that I even mentioned it.

Elayne has news! King Galldrian is dead and there is unrest in Cairhien. That, plus a fucking war in Toman Head, son. Logain hangs around, a shell of a man, reminding Egwene that he hasn’t dreamed of the REAL Dragon Reborn (Rand al’Gebra) for so long that she thinks he might be dead. Or worse! (Soul all chewed up by soul-eating monsters without souls themselves.)

After a time, Egwene asks Min to see their futures and tell them if they all become full-fledged Aes Sedai. She gives it a shot and learns, actually, that they’re all going to be in some kind of danger! Whoops! It’s too bad she can’t be more specific, because that could mean anything! Falling down a well. Eating bad sushi. Becoming fans of Big Brother on CBS.

After a time, Liandrin storms in the room all like “Raargh, blaargh” about nothing in particular. She orders Min and Elayne out of the room and tells Egwene and Nynaeve that they may be able to help the young whipper-snappers that are also from their little podunk town. It’s a little suspicious, but they do offer to go with Liandrin to Toman Head. They are to speak of this to nobody. Not Min. Not Elayne. Nobody in one of those AOL chat rooms they like to use all day. Nobody. Liandrin tells them to meet her near a nearby stedding and to be careful since the Black Ajah roam the halls of the White Tower and they’re evil and prickly. Then she leaves the room.

Egwene is worried that Liandrin may know about Rand. Nynaeve is suspicious of Liandrin as well. Min and Elayne come back into the room; having heard the whole conversation, they ask if Egwene and Nynaeve are really going to go and if they can join them. After briefly trying to convince them otherwise, Nynaeve gives up and they all plan on leave to the stedding area as soon as ASAP possible.

WHAT IS LIANDRIN UP TO? Perhaps she’s going to unsheathe a sword and then kick them down a well with bellies full of bad sushi.

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I’m Hopelessly Addicted to Cereal

Goddamnit, but do I love cereal. I didn’t like it much as a kid, sticking mostly with Frosted Mini Wheats and Oat Squares because my mother didn’t want my teeth to rot right out of my skull even though I’d eat Oreos and Chips Ahoy! cookies by the package like the little fat kid that I was. But I’m a full grown ass adult now and I eat cereal like nobody’s business.

Let me briefly go over all the cereals that are ruining my life right now.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Look no further; the end-all-be-all of addictive cereals is right here. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and each of its spin-offs are the crowning glory of delicious and satisfying breakfast stuffs. I had to make a special mention of it first because it is the cereal that kicked off my long history of cravings in the first place. Since Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I branched off to myriad other cereals that, while don’t hit the spot in quite the same way, manage to kick me right in the ass with a sugar-induced coma! Godspeed, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you sultry little vixen. You’re the gift that keeps on giving.

Cap’n Crunch

Continuing the theme of “crunch”, I present Cap’n Crunch. Original style. No frills. No berries. No peanut butter. The OG itself. Now, I don’t normally go for corn-based cereal. Corn Pops, Corn Flakes, Kix, Trix, these are all bullshit. I make an except for the oh-so-sweet ambrosia that is Cap’n Crunch. The ALLEGATION that it tears up the roof of your mouth is a MYTH. Don’t eat like a flailing dingus and maybe you won’t injure yourself. Idiot.

Raisin Bran

Bring out the 90-year-old grandma within with a big, fatass bowl of Raisin Bran cereal. You’ve got the bran, which has a satisfying earthy taste like delicious dirt, but then you have the raisins, which add an earthy sweetness to the delicious dirt. I’m not trying to dunk on Raisin Bran. I love Raisin Bran! But, if I have to criticize one thing about Raisin Bran it’s that two scoops of raisins aren’t enough! Let’s try seven scoops of raisins, add in more bran flakes, and put it all in a box the size of an IKEA bunk bed. Then I might have an iota of happiness in this dreary existence.

Special K Chocolatey Dipped Flakes

Are you shitting me right now? You’ve got to be shitting me. Speaking of old person cereal, Special K’s line of delicious, delicious flakes and accoutrements makes up the most consistent brand of cereals by far. Fuck you Cheerios, fuck you Chex, you each only have a small handful of delightful options. Special K is fantastic across the whole board, and their Chocolatey Dipped Flakes are TO DIE FOR, SIR. I’m going to buy a box right now. All for myself.

Peanut Butter Chex

Speaking of Chex, I’m sorry I said “fuck you” to Chex. One of the best cereals out there is Peanut Butter Chex, a delightful blend of regular chex with occasional pieces of chex loaded through their little holes with some sort of powdered peanut butter stuff whatever I don’t know it’s very tasty. HANDY TIP: The next time you make Muddy Buddies (the finest recipe involving cereal known to mankind), use Peanut Butter Chex instead of bullshit plain Chex. Your taste buds will thank you, assuming you have talking taste buds. I don’t, but you might.

CinnaGraham Toast Crunch

Once upon a time I ate a whole Family Size box of this stuff within 24 hours. Do you have any idea how much diabetes that gave me? Diabetes coming out the wazoo. Regular Cinnamon Toast Crunch is bad enough, but the Good Lord Our God Jesus Our Savior In Christ knows that s’mores are my jam. Graham crackers? My inner 3-year-old says yes, please.

Whoever had the idea to Golden Graham-ify Cinnamon Toast Crunch deserves a Nobel Peace Prize and a swift kick to the testicles and/or vagina courtesy of my pointy steel-toed boot. I gained 15 pounds because of cereal and you’re the biggest culprit of them all, CinnaGraham Toast Crunch! Grrr!

Special mentions go to Frosted Flakes, Frosted Mini Wheats, Cracklin’ Oat Bran, Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, Oh’s, Rice Krispies Treats, and Boo Berry. Go buy a box of everything and get fat like me. Your pancreas will take a beating, but that organ needs more to do anyway.

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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 37: “What Might Be”

Alar leads the group to the Portal Stone. Have fun. Bye.

Verin, while having the know-how of Portal Stone activation and travel, has not nearly enough power to do it herself. Rand will need to do it. The Portal Stone is full of Stargate-like symbols representing other worlds. Verin knows that some worlds are more dangerous than others. Some might even have breathable air. Some may even just be voids in space! So, be a dear and pick the right one at random. Verin is confident that Rand cannot die until the universe is done with him, ta’veren-style. Rand reluctantly accepts this and decides upon a random symbol to feel up and try to phase into another world.

…except something’s wrong. Verin can tell. Different lives keep flickering before Rand’s eyes. One where he and Tam die from the first book’s Trolloc invasion. One where Rand marries Egwene (the Wisdom of Emond’s Field) and Aes Sedai don’t exist; Trollocs invade the town and Rand dies fighting. One where Egwene dies one week before her and Rand’s wedding; Rand leaves town and becomes a Queen’s Guard in Caemlyn; Rand uses saidin to rise the ranks; Rand leads men against the Seanchan; Caemlyn is invaded and Rand dies fighting. One after another after another after another. Straight from the book: “He was farmer, gleeman, sailor, carpenter. He was born, lived, and died an Aiel. He died mad, he died rotting, he died of sickness, accident, age. He was executed, and multitudes cheered his death.” Just a whole lifetime of lifetimes. And each time, Rand dies. And each time, a voice says “I have won again, Lews Therin.”

When it’s finally over and done, the group is shaky and vomiting and sad and crying. They are in Toman Head, but about four months behind schedule. Once Verin chastises Rand for abusing too much of the One Power, they set out west.

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Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “No one can find any piece of me here.”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Game storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “No one can find any piece of me here.”! In the previous installment, Selina Kyle fucks Batman and then gets right up in Bruce Wayne’s face during a Wayne Manor banquet and doesn’t recognize him whatsoever. She successfully takes money from the two warring Russian mob factions and gets off scot-free. Then she returns to Lola’s apartment to find her tied to a chair with a bullet through her brain.

Oh no! Some douchebag named Bone is responsible, and it sounds like Bone wants to have a little chit-chat with the Cat-like woman.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Judd Winick
“No one can find any piece of me here.”

Catwoman looking like she needs a rabies shot on the cover. Rawr!

Flashback to a few years earlier, right before Selina Kyle started her Felina Style (come on, that was clever). Selina just stole a bunch of jewelry at a private party with the police commissioner and about eighty cops. She asks her not-dead-yet buddy Lola if she can move it, and she says she can! “But, Selina… y’gotta be more careful. There are ways of doing things that will get you everything you want and not get you caught. Or worse.”

“What’s fun about being careful?” Selina responds.

Flash forward to Selina bleeding and crying, courtesy of Mr. Bone. He stares at her with wild eyes. “To say the least, you’ve really pissed me off. Look at my face… do I look like the sort of man you want to piss off?”

Sir, you look like a garbage can is what you look like. Selina stares back silently with her own wild eyes. This craggy motherfucker dishes out his life story: mom and dad were awful, lived with aunt who was worse, grew up in a group home, his stuff got stolen all the time. When he finally made a name for himself, he finally had things of his own: jewelry, art, coins, Funko Pops, celebrity turds, and shitty comic books. “Then you come along…” Boney gets right up in Selina’s crazed face, “…AND STEAL ALL OF MY NICE CRAP!”

On the floor, a foot away, Lola lies dead and still tied to the chair. Before she was tortured and shot, she was kind enough to offer her bookkeeping ledgers. Now Boney is going to go to all of Selina’s “customers” and get his stolen stuff back. If she had stolen money or drugs, things would be different. Who cares, right? Not me! I don’t care! I don’t care at all! I’m shutting this fucking comic and going to bed.

Meow!

Where was I? Boney tells his henchmen to kill Selina and then get rid of both of the bodies. They size her up while she sits there looking feral. Then one of them clocks her in the mug and sends her toppling to the floor. “C’mon, Hot Pants, don’t you got nothin’ to say?”

Her chair cracked, so now she’s able to wrest herself free. She does a couple of fancy backflips and grabs one of the dudes’ guns, holding him and pointing it at his head. “Tell me where your boss went,” she demands while the guy grimaces. The other two henchmen think they’re calling her bluff, but then she shoots both of them right in their kneecaps. Exit wound through the back of the knee. Probably hurts, but what do I know? I’ve only been shot in the face!

She aims the gun at the third guy’s dick. “He’s at the Moffat Building,” he says immediately. “In that club on the top floor.”

Bone’s getting a lapdance AND a personal pole dance AT THE SAME TIME! WHAT A LIFE! Selina knows the Moffat Building, but the club on top of the 40-story building is very exclusive and almost impossible to get into. No worries, though, she’s Catwoman. She can get into anything. She can get into anime.

So she breaks in and cracks a lot of glass and scares the bone out of Bone. She drags the poor sap to the corner of the high-rise roof overlooking the street below. He begs for his life, bargains like a mofo, offers her money, implores her to think twice before she makes more trouble for herself by killing him. She doesn’t care. She whips out a bat and starts really fucking whacking him with it.

“You were right!” she yells. “If this was over drugs! Money! Territory! I’d understand that! But it wasn’t! It wasn’t! You killed her over things! MEANINGLESS! STUPID! THINGS!”

She’s literally about one blow away from killing him when Batman shows up to tell her that’s enough. Play time is over. Mr. White Knight here is going to save poor defenseless Bone. “Back away from him,” he says in his best Christian Bale voice. Like this: grumble grumble rasp.

I know you’re Selina Kyle from 1234 Gotham Ave. and I would never want to smoke a blunt with you.

“How the hell do you always find me?”

“You don’t exactly hide.”

He runs through his whole spiel about how killing Bone won’t solve anything and she’s better than that and yadda yadda jerk me off. “He’ll be dead. He won’t hurt anyone anymore. And I’ll feel better,” she retorts, which is a very persuasive argument. Batman isn’t swayed because he’s a dork. He tells her he wouldn’t be able to forgive her if she kills him. Yawn.

She drops the bat and walks up for a kiss. Then, with Bone behind her back, she uses her trusty cat-o’-nine-tails to whip him off the roof. And then Batman can’t help himself! He throws his grappling hook to save him.

While he does this, Catwoman slips away. She cries in a corner somewhere, feeling sorry for herself. All her lack of carefulness has killed a friend, and now she has to answer for it.

Later, Catwoman returns to Lola’s apartment to collect her bookkeeping books to throw into a fire. “I try to tell myself it’s so she won’t be found out. That she won’t be remembered as a criminal. By my heightened level of denial isn’t so vast that I can’t see the real truth… I’m here to save my own ass.”

Yeah, no shit, idiot. Lola is still on the floor. Selina needs to remove every scrap of anything in the apartment that could possibly tie Lola to her. Pictures, cards, gum wrappers with “SELINA IS MY FRIEND” written on them. As she burns photos of both of them having a great time, she cries. Oh does she cry all right. She cries big time.

She leans down to the corpse and apologizes. Then she kisses her on the cheek. For the first time, she notices footsteps down the hall. She thinks it’s Batman, but then the cops bust into the apartment while she’s bent over her friend.

“Cops. And I’m here. Burning evidence over a dead body. Yeah, this can’t look good.”

Final Thoughts

Selina Kyle is going to kill some cops while Batman shows up and goes “noooooo” like a complete wuss. Kill those cops, Catwoman! Show no mercy!

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Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

Tagline:
Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks made a movie so titillating we can only show you this drawing.

Wide Release Date:
October 31, 2008

Directed by:
Kevin Smith
Written by:
Kevin Smith
Produced by:
Scott Mosier

Starring:
Seth Rogen
Elizabeth Banks
Craig Robinson
Jason Mewes
Traci Lords
Jeff Anderson
Katie Morgan
Ricky Mabe

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Zack and Miri Make a Porno came out in the same month as Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, which, to this day, prompts me to conflate the two as “Zack and Nick and Miri and Norah Make an Infinite Porno Playlist”. I’m so fucking funny.

I’ve only seen the first four Kevin Smith movies, having gone through a VERY brief phase in college. Every single one was disappointing. I like the idea of Kevin Smith, I like the idea of his movies, but nothing ever lands for me. I’m not even sure why I’m watching this, other than I think Seth Rogan is hilarious. Is that going to be enough to carry the movie for me? Is it going to be enough to carry Kevin Smith’s 500 pound bulk? I saw that he looks like cancer patient now. I hope that works out for him.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Zack (Seth Rogan) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) have known each other since 1st grade. They are roommates in a shitty apartment in a shitty Pittsburgh suburb, where they work dead-end jobs for very little wage. They have no relationships. They can’t afford to pay their bills. Life is in the toilet.

Look on the bright side, Seth Rogen. You may some day afford a mirror.

During their 10-year high school reunion, Zack meets the boyfriend of Miri’s crush, Brandon (Justin Long), who works in Los Angeles as a gay pornstar. After some ruminating, and some utilities in the apartment being shut off, Zack has the wild idea to make a pornographic film in order to pay the bills! Great idea, right?! Kevin Smith! Part of the deal, too, is that Zack and Miri get to fuck each other on camera. After some coaxing from Zack, Miri eventually agrees to do it as long as no one catches feelings. We all know how this little trope is going to play out.

Zack and Miri settle on a Star Wars parody for their porn flick (“Star Whores”) and hire friends and willing participants, including some real life pornstars, Kevin Smith’s buddy Jason Mewes, and Craig Robinson as Delaney. Among, like, two others. But who cares. They’re probably Kevin Smith’s friends too.

Pictured on the far right is Jason Mewes, famous for being that one guy in all those movies by that one guy,.

The warehouse that Delaney rents for shooting the film gets demolished the day they intend to start production, with all the equipment destroyed along with it. This really puts a damper in Zack’s drawers, but after realizing that his shithead boss has installed surveillance cameras in the coffee shop where he works, he comes up with the fantastic idea to shoot the film there after closing time! This really puts a pep in Zack’s step. Better to have a step with pep than drawers with damper, no one has ever said.

Filming commences. Actors take turns fucking each other. Zack and Miri prepare for their own big scene, but, during the course of filming, as they say, feelings have been caught. When they finally do it on camera, it’s romantic (and, therefore, bad for porn).

Drama ensues. During one night one of the actresses wants to try having sex with Zack, and despite the hurt looks from Miri, he goes into the bedroom with her. Afterward, she pretends not to care about Zack at all. Zack lays all his cards out on the table and admits that he loves her. He also admits that he and the other actress never had sex, they just spent the evening talking about Miri. When Miri still pretends to not care about him at all, Zack storms off the set and moves out of the apartment.

Oh snap, I didn’t think a Cleveland Steamer could look so… Picasso-esque.

Three months later, Delaney approaches Zack at his new job to tell him that the unfinished porno needs finishing. Zack agrees and goes with Delaney to his house. There, Zack learns that Miri never shot any scenes with anyone else. Following this, Zack returns to his old apartment to reiterate that he never had sex with anyone but Miri. They reconcile, they kiss, they fuck, they live happily ever after.

Kevin Smith!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Kevin Smith!

Ugh.

OK, here’s the thing. I did enjoy this movie to the extent that I left it satisfied enough. I have no desire to ever see it again.

Seth Rogen sells it better than anyone else in that role could, but the idea to make a pornography did always seem like veiled, elaborate attempt to fuck Elizabeth Banks. I think Kevin Smith tried pretty hard for it to not seem that way, but Kevin Smith isn’t the genius that he thinks he is.

Let’s see. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, and Dogma. These are the Kevin Smith movies I had seen way back when, and all of them are seriously flawed. Don’t even get me started on Chasing Amy. A man “saves” a woman from lesbianism? Go fuck yourself. Everything Kevin Smith does smacks of flagrant self-insertion. The first Daredevil (1998) comic book storyline involved a bad guy who was a misunderstood film director. Then he flipped it with Daredevil saying some very mean things to him, causing him to commit suicide. A lot of wish-fulfillment on that one.

“I gotta package for ya. Heh heh. A package of dick Heh heh. For your vagina.” – Kevin Smith

Seth Rogen is by no means ugly, but he’s a rather portly and conventionally unattractive fellow. Elizabeth Banks, in 2008, was perhaps the most conventionally attractive woman crossing over into comedy movies. Let’s compare: Kevin Smith is by every means ugly. His wife, Jennifer Schwalbach, is good-looking enough to be married to someone who isn’t a 500-lb hack. That is to say, I can’t fault Zack and Miri for being an entirely unbelievable romance plot, I guess, but this is still a “fat guy gets the hot girl” story. And I maintain extreme skepticism about how much romance there really is in Kevin Smith’s marriage.

TOPIC 2 — Seth Rogen Is Hilarious

Per Kevin Smith, Seth Rogen was the one he had in mind to play Zack. If Rogen declined, the movie would not have been made.

In what I consider to be a rather mediocre movie, Rogen made it worth it. Popular opinion of Rogen is mixed, but I’m on the side that loves everything he does. He’s got a natural, everyman, down-to-earth aura. He doesn’t seem like a big movie star, he seems like your funny cousin. He’s endearing and charming, and by all accounts he’s a cool-ass dude.

That’s all I have to say. I don’t hate Seth Rogen. If you do, you won’t like this movie.

WERD TO MAC VS. PC.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The f-word is said 229 times.
Edgy! That Kevin Smith is not for your grandma!

Near the end of the film, Traci Lords is seen on a rotating bed, spanking two of her co-stars with a riding crop. This is a parody of the final scene in the adult film New Wave Hookers (1985), one of the last films Lords performed in before it was discovered that she was underage at the time of filming.
Man, this bit of trivia depresses me for about four reasons, and I’ll just leave it at that.

According to Kevin Smith in his SModcast episode 423, Justin Long (Brandon) had a cold on his day of shooting. He suggested to Kevin Smith that his character have a deeper voice as this is what he had observed while watching gay porn as research.
lol, “watching gay porn as research”. I mean, I think watching gay porn is perfectly ok for anyone! But lol all the same.

Citizen Kane (1941)

The mention of Fleshlights in this film was not product placement. However, Fleshlight would go on to sponsor Kevin Smith’s Smodcast/podcast network, and get many endorsements from Smith himself who claims he “keeps several around the house.”
This is the worst bit of trivia I’ve ever come across for anything. I don’t want to hear anything more about Kevin Smith’s cum for the rest of my life.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

This is a tough question to answer. Personally, I like Seth Rogen enough to sit through an hour and a half of porn jokes and flopping Jason Mewes penises. If Zack was played by literally any other actor, I might change my tune on that. In short, if you hate Seth Rogen, then this movie has literally nothing else to offer.

Also, all the romantic scenes were really awkward. Elizabeth Banks fawning over Seth Rogen makes me cringe. She should be fucking Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer for my money.

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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 38: “Practice”