The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 34: “The Wheel Weaves”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

At the end of the night, Thom “Thom Merrilin” Merrilin works his way back to his inn all huffy and puffy about the evening he just had to endure at Barthanes’ house. To add insult to injury, he returns to his room to discover that Dena’s throat had been slit. Too bad, too. She was very attractive and spunky. Would’ve made a great character. Would’ve replaced Rand nicely.

Two men lie waiting in the room, and after a brief throwing of knives, Thom destroys the both of them to death! Before he kills the second one, the hapless bitch tells Thom that Barthanes sent them to get more information about Rand. Thom was all “fuck you” about it, obviously.

Zera the innkeeper comes in shocked and asks Thom why he’s getting involved in Daes Dae’mar all over again. Thom denies that he is, but Zera doesn’t believe him. She tells him that Barthanes was found dead just now, “torn apart and his head on a spike”. Thom needs to leave Cairhien forthwith!

Zera recognizes one of the men as King Galldrian’s, which sends Thom into a tizzy. Gonna kill that king forthwith! Zera tells Thom that he’s a silly goose. Recognizing his silly goose ways, Thom leaves the inn forthwith.

What’s Padan Fain up to these days? (Who cares?) He’s entering Falme in Toman Head with the chest containing the Horn and the dagger. The High Lord Turak (the guy whom Domon gave the cuendillar) accepts Fain’s arrival. Fain promises that the contents of the chest will allow Turak to conquer the world. Fain intended to have the upper hand by opening the chest for Turak, but Turak takes it upon himself to open the chest. This angers Fain, but he keeps quiet. Turak pulls out the Horn and is confused. Fain tells him it’s the Horn of Valere, something Turak isn’t aware of whatsoever. Fain maintains his “patience”, anxious to accept the dagger as a gift for bringing the Horn. Turak isn’t too impressed yet. Finally, Fain’s patience runs dry and he makes a grab for the dagger; he gets restrained by one of Turak’s bouncers. Fain gets angry again, all like “THE DAGGER IS MINE, RAAWWWWRRR!” like a stupid-ass doofus.

Turak becomes more interested when Fain fabricates a story about how the Horn has been passed down his family for generations. Artur Hawkwind’s descendants are returning the land, and the Horn must be sounded forthwith! Turak has no interest in puckering up his fat lips and blowing through the Horn himself; he will bring it to the Empress forthwith! Fain thinks Turak should blow the fucking Horn, but Turak says that doing so will show disloyalty to the Empress. Fine. Whatever. Don’t blow the Horn. See if I care.

Turak intends to keep Fain with him. Fain insists that Darkfriends are following him to retrieve the Horn. Turak thinks that’s malarkey! Fain is to stay, and stay he does. Fuck him.


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Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “I could say that I’ll sleep better, but that’s a lie.”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Game storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “I could say that I’ll sleep better, but that’s a lie.”! And my guess is that every title is the issue’s last line. How delightful. In the previous installment, Catwoman’s apartment gets firebombed by people she doesn’t know, she beats up a whole room full of Russian mobsters and their prostitutes, then proceeds to rape Batman until he gives in willingly.

I’m serious about all of that. Let’s move on.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Judd Winick
“I could say that I’ll sleep better, but that’s a lie.”

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Catwoman describes the really rough, Earth-shattering, bone-breaking sex that she and Batman are having. She likens it to a bar fight, just a lot of swearing and misplaced anger and bruising.

Batman has the grossest muscles I’ve ever seen. Look better. His pants are down to his knees, but Catwoman’s legs block his crotch so that the kids who bought this comic book don’t get slapped by their parents.

Batman asks if she’s ok on account of the firebombed apartment, but Catwoman deflects the question. “I’m serious,” he says. “You’re always serious,” she says. And you know what I say? WHY SO SERIOUS?! Doot doot doot-doot dooooooo!

“Why do you care so much about helping me?” she asks, getting her clothes back on.

“I don’t want to see you get hurt or have anyone else get caught in your crossfire.” This Batman guy, always looking out for those caught in Catwoman’s crossfire. It must happen quite a bit. She’s as reckless as the dickens.

Once Catwoman squeezes into her really uncomfortable leather suit, she’s off without even a goodbye! Her cats follow. She says that she and Batman like each other, and it’s sickening. That’s me saying that. It is sickening.

Anyway, down to business! I forgot to mention that Selina overheard the Russians talking about a painting that was stolen from them, so she’s looking to recover it for a handsome sum. So she immediately steals it from He Who Stole it and leaves a note behind:

“UGLY PICTURE. BUT I HEAR YOU LIKE IT AND MAY WANT IT BACK. I’LL BE IN TOUCH.”

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

You can’t be a cat woman and a horse girl! That’s nonsense!

Selina returns to her friend Lola’s apartment where she perches atop the table rudely instead of sitting in a chair.

“This is from when you ran from the Russians?”

“Yes.”

“It’s him?”

“Yes.”

“This Renald… he’s who… who hurt your friend?”

“Yes.”

“And this is the guy whose I you took out last night?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re not walking away from this?”

“Nope.”

Lola reminds Selina that she can’t let her emotions get in the way of business, but this seems to be what Selina Kyle does. Don’t try and stop her, she’ll just claw out your spleen. Lola frowns while Selina readies herself for another evening of revenge and hissing and meowing.

Selina has informed the Russian Egorovs clan that she has their painting. After threats and whining, they agreed to settle on a price for the painting back. Then she informed the Russian Ivgene clan that she has the painting and is willing to give it to them for a large amount of money. “I insisted that Renald be there for the drop. They wanted to know why.”

Are these even real names? Egorovs? Ivgene? Renald? Come on, now.

They all meet up at the Wayne Foundation Children’s Trust banquet. “Bruce Wayne may be many things besides gorgeous and rich. But I’m not sure anybody cares about what those other things are. I know I don’t.” Ha, that’s actually funny! He could be kind and funny and smart, but nobody gives a shit. Run that beautiful well dry, I always say.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

He’s on his way to Blackout Town to check himself into Puke Hotel. And then hang himself while jerking it.

Bruce Wayne catches a whiff of Selina Kyle there, barely incognito. She’s wearing a blonde wig and that’s about it. Alfred asks Bruce what she’s doing here. Bruce has no clue. Probably because he’s gorgeous and rich and not much else, especially in the brains department. Booyah.

Alfred looks old enough to keel over and die while barfing up blood and his catheter bag up through his penis. He’s all craggy and wrinkled-faced and he looks like he smells pretty bad. Alfred suggests that Bruce lay low, but Bruce immediately does not lay low and approaches Selina. “A million and a half women in Gotham and this is who catches his eye,” Alfred sighs. “Delightful.”

Bruce’s nose is red and he says stuff like “hrrmpp duremmophph” to Selina. “I thought I knew every twenty-two-year-old who could afford a thousand-dollar-a-plate benefit,” he says, smiling and leaning in a little too close. Selina comments to herself that he reeks of scotch.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

I’mnotslurringmyspeech. YOU are. YOU are youlittlebitch.

One of the Russian clan members places a very conspicuous and large briefcase into a very conspicuously placed potted plant.

One of the other Russian clan members places a large duffle bag into a vase next to the elevator in front of, I assume, 900 people.

Bruce is trying to get Selina and her friends to join him at one of his clubs, probably to try to have sex with all of them at once. “Look… kidding aside… please leave with me right now,” he says, leering at her like a repeat sex offender. He gives her a look that turns her pussy into a waterfall…

…but she resists and slinks away. Bruce Wayne sobers up for a second and glares at Alfred. The girl was texting. TEXTING. Girls and their fucking texting. Good thing Alfred used his special T-Mobile administrative account to intercept the texts. A payment drop. Two of them, right here at this very party! The nerve! What the fudge, lady?

Here’s some slick business: Catwoman has convinced both clans to meet up in the same room to collect the painting, unbeknownst to both of them. Then they’re all like “GET THE PAINTING” and “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” and “VODKA. DA. BORIS YELSTIN. TCHAIKOVSKY.” and they bring out their guns and threaten to shoot ‘em all up and whatnot. Chaos and pandemonium. And yelling a lot in Russian.

Bruce enters the room and recognizes members of both mobs. Before he even has a chance to see what’s going on, Catwoman drops from the ceiling and wraps her legs around Bruce’s neck. “Hang on, baby…” Then she bends down and kisses him. “…it’s about to get loud in here.”

Catwoman throws a firecracker and the guns start going off.

“I’d like to think that the last thing Renald sees – out of the eye that I left him – is me.”

Renald’s one eye bugs out at Catwoman, then he gets a chest fulla bullets. “But he’s a bit busy trying not to die. I’ll take what I can get.”

Bruce ducks and covers while Catwoman cavorts around the room, deftly avoiding the bullets. Bruce looks determined to chase her down, but she’s like “ha ha lol can’t catch me!” Playing hard to get. Or, honestly, easy to get.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Disgusting, that’s how Ben Franklin got syphilis.

Catwoman has left the building! She grasps a briefcase in one hand, a swinging rope in the other. Duffle bag around her neck. She revels in the glory of victory!

“I could say that I’ll sleep better. But that’s a lie.” (THE NAME OF THE ISSUE, DING DING DING, THANKS FOR PLAYING ALONG.)

She returns to Lola’s apartment to find her tied to a chair, covered in blood, bullet hole in the forehead, extremely fucking dead.

Tears start streaming down Selina’s cheeks. Suddenly, one of those skull-masked guys who firebombed Selina’s apartment coldcocks her right in the face, grabs her mask, and throws her right against a wall. Then there’s punching and kicking and bleeding. Selina looks feral like a… you know. A feral cat.

Some weird-looking rock-faced guy introduces himself to her. “I’m Louis Ferryman. Some call me BONE. You must the be the irritating woman who dresses up like a cat and has been stealing from me.”

Selina is covered in a gross mixture of tears and blood and sweat and mucus and pee and cum. “That’s me,” she burbles.

Final Thoughts

Mr. Bone is going to be the Bad Guy We All Love to Hate!

I think it’s beyond stupid that Selina Kyle can fuck Batman all day and then not recognize him whatsoever as Bruce Wayne. Meanwhile, all she does is wear a wig and he knows right away? Foolish. I bite my thumb at that, good sir.

I don’t see YET what’s too terrible about this Catwoman series. It’s certainly better so far than Red Hood and the Outlaws, which was also mostly about fucking, actually. Hmm.


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January 4, 2003 – Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

January 4, 2003 – Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA

Set One

Llama — 4:50
Welcome to Day 4 of the New Year’s 2002 inverted run! We begin with an exciting, fast version of “Llama” and it’s, like, are you kidding? I never looked up these lyrics! “Llama doo wah it is it is, llama to boot to boot”? Am I even close.

I like it when Page turns on the organ synths. He really shines here. They all do. One hell of a show opener, honestly. High energy, no major fuck-ups. Here’s hoping the rest of the show follows suit!

Boogie on Reggae Woman — 7:05
THE STEVIE WONDER STAPLE. “Boogie on Reggae Woman” turns up the funk to nine and then adds another two, boyeeee. Enjoy it while it lasts, because we’re about to get sleepier in about seven minutes and five seconds.

Roggae — 9:32
Funny thing, I used to get “Boogie on Reggae Woman” mixed up with “Roggae” and I really wish they would just mash them up and make a “Boogie on Roggae Woman” and no one would enjoy it but me.

I think “Roggae” is a slow song, but it starts getting kind of heavy at 2:45 so I can’t complain too hard. It always sounds like a hazy fever dream to me, though, and maybe I don’t like experiencing hazy fever dreams! “Roggae” can take a hike!

Maze — 12:20
Now we’re talkin’! I love me a good “Maze”, all twisty and turny like a real maze. The beginning is just slightly off, but Trey brings the vocal vim and vigor! Then he really nails it during the jam. He revs and drills. Fire! As the kids say.

Page has a cool solo at around 3:30 that sounds like acoustic string plucking at first, then launches into synthesized organ goodness. Gets kind of weird too, and Mike tries desperately to keep up with his thumping bass. It’s like if sex were bottled up and frozen into molasses and then poured into your ears, clogging them up and causing a hospital visit.

Anything but Me — 6:05
There’s a reason why most of the songs off of Round Room don’t get much play, and “Anything but Me” is yet another good example. Such a fucking momentum killer, this one. Slow and sleepy surf ballad, they might as well bring in a ukulele and pluck everyone a nice, little lullaby. This one has only been played 12 times, last one in 2011. Don’t expect a bust out anytime soon.

Ya Mar — 9:53
Oh look, everyone’s favorite vaguely bluegrass-adjacent Mike Gordon vehicle where he sings like shit and everyone has to deal with it. Trey’s solo is a little stilted, but the vibes are there. They might as well bring in a ukulele and pluck everyone a nice, little lullaby. But they already did that!

Saw It Again — 6:42
I don’t really know much about “Saw It Again”, but I need to bust out my “S” volume of my encyclopedia and look up more about this song because it’s aces, sir. It kind of reminds of the crunchy, slightly angry “Carini” in its moody progression. Trey actually sounds like a guitar player! Fish crashes those cymbals like nobody’s business! Page free-jazzes those keys! Mike… well, Mike plays the bass. We know this about Mike.

The “Saw It Again” refrain throughout is cool as shit. Imagine thinking that Phish is just some granola hippie-ass band like Grateful Dead, and then you see them play “Saw It Again”. Your dick will melt right into your socks. Or your vagina might melt. Let’s not be sexist.

Bouncing Around the Room — 3:51
The antithesis of “Saw It Again” is this fancy free little number that proves Phish is, at its core, hopelessly lame. What’s even more lame is my enjoyment of “Bouncing Around the Room”, since the melody is brilliant and the guitar licks are so absolutely fucking happy. How can you hate it?

Imagine thinking that Phish is just some granola hippie-ass band like Grateful Dead, and then you see them play “Bouncing Around the Room”. Then you realize that they’re just a bunch of virgins.

Split Open and Melt — 12:42
“Split Open and Melt” is probably my favorite long-form Phish jam vehicle. The solos are always so furious and tense and urgent, although this one takes a bit of time to get going. Trey’s keeping it weird, and everything gets a bit Type II-ey by about 8:15. Most of it at this point is drone-based until they kick back into a proper Type I jam at 10:30 and then return to the melody proper about a minute later.

A solid “Melt”! A good way to end Set One, which was decent enough overall. Here’s hoping we get some tasty jams in Set Two, friends! FRIENDS! You’re my friends, and I mean it.

Set Two

Rock and Roll — 12:00
The Velvet Underground! I know them. Lou Reed! He’s dead now, of course, but his legacy lives on in some shitty Phish cover. It’s amazing to me that the first time this was ever played was during the Loaded “musical costume” of Halloween, 1998. It’s become such a staple, being played pretty much four or five times (on average) every year since its debut.

The cool thing about “Rock and Roll” is that the jam is always some straightly-played bluesy stuff. I can get behind that. I like classic rock! Except for Crosby, Stills, and Nash. That stuff is for dorks.

Mike’s Song — 10:59
Hey, did you know that Mike gets his own song? He sings, too! Granted, he couldn’t sing his way out of a paper vagina, but God bless him for trying.

They settle into a nice groove around 3:15 and maintain it throughout the rest of the song. Mike’s song. This ain’t anyone else’s song. They should really just have Mike play it alone one day, just plucking the bass all by himself. Friendless.

Mountains in the Mist — 7:36
Usually “I Am Hydrogen” is the cream in the middle of the “Mike’s Song”/”Weekapaug Groove” sandwich, especially in these earlier days, but they opt for “Mountains in the Mist” this time. A tune so Beatles-esque that you’d think it was a Beatles song, but no. This is a Trey Anastasio original, and don’t you forget it… until next time they play it, then I’ll forget again.

Speaking of THIS song, what a boring jam! I’m falling asleep here, mostly because I’m listening to Phish in my living room at 2am on a Saturday instead of going to the club and ogling all the ladies. Which I would never do, I swear. I hate leaving the house.

Weekapaug Groove — 11:17
Yeah buddy, “Groove” is the shit. And what a groove this one is! Lead mostly by Fish’s shuffle. But, man, the funk is strong with this one. It makes me want to get up and dance at the club while I ogle the ladies which I would never do, I swear.

What’s the Use? — 7:00
“What’s the Use?” is right. This is basically an ambient coda to “Weekapaug Groove”. In fact, it happened so seamlessly that I didn’t even notice that it slipped into a new song until 3:30 in.

Hard pass.

Down with Disease — 10:29
I’ll probably say this every single time, but any given performance of “Down with Disease” is made or broken by that bridge between the vocal section and the jam section. The quick guitar riff that hits the high note? It’s the most important eight measures of any Phish show containing this song!

Luckily for Trey, the bridge is not too sloppy and he hits the high note! This is a very fast-paced version, which is most of why this is over and out in 10 minutes.

Fast Enough for You — 8:17
Sappy sentimentality ain’t my thing, and if it’s your thing then you can get the fuck off my blog. While Phish’s song catalogue is loaded with sappiness, none are so much as sappy as “Fast Enough for You” which is about Trey’s premature ejaculations! Ha! But seriously folks, I’m–

Look, eight minutes of this shit is too much to take near the end of Set Two. This is some early Set One shit. Another misstep by the band; docking them 40 points. Now they’re down to -40 points.

2001 — 10:32
Here’s another song that can be made or broken by the main melody. Every time Trey plays those notes, he needs to play them perfectly. I’m guessing it was never a problem before Phish 2.0, but today’s version gets a little iffy and out of tune. Coupled with the fact that the performance feels stilted and dry, I’m not pumped! Is this how we’re going to go out? With a whimper instead of a bang?!

Trey takes a moment to thank the audience and uses the word “blessed”. The band is now down to -500 points and there’s no recovering from this deficit unless something ASTONISHINGLY SPECIAL happens in the encore.

Encore

Friday — 9:43
Well, fuck, there goes that hope. What an absolute loser of a song. Only played 13 times; 12 during Phish 2.0, and then busted out in 10/25/2016 for some ungodly reason during one of the worst rated Phish shows ever.

Fuck Friday.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 33: “A Message from the Dark”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Hurin sniffed out the Barthanes manor Darkfriends: they and some Trollocs went into a walled-off garden and didn’t return. Coupled with Loial’s sensing of a Waygate on the premises, then we know where our lovely enemies went. Mat reports that he couldn’t sense the dagger anywhere at all, which means it’s still very much missing. He grumbles and mumbles about it in a typical Mat-with-one-“t” fashion.

Hurin leads Rand, Mat, and Loial to the garden. Rand (lordly) orders Mat to go find Ingtar and Verin and decides to scale the wall of the garden while they wait for him to come back. Hurin and Loial follow. The Waygate is closed by an avendensora, which I think is Aielian for “thing”. Rand removes the avendensora and the Waygate slowly opens, revealing pitch blackness that starts to seep out into the real world. The Black Wind! The stuff that steals souls and causes people to go mad! While Loial searches for the avendensora, Rand attempts to channel the One Power to keep the seeping ooze at bay. Eventually, the avendensora is found at the Waygate is closed, but not before Rand hears a thousand disturbing voices screaming and whispering through the gate, including one that kept repeating “al’Thor, al’Thor, al’Thor”.

Bueller. Bueller. Bueller.

Needless to say, no one’s walking through the fucking Ways anytime soon.

Back at the party, Barthanes has a message for Rand from an unknown messenger. Something to the effect of “Come to Toman Head, buttfucker. I have what you want, and if you don’t come find me, I will come find you. You hear me, buttfucker?” This scares Rand to pieces! But, he lets the rest know later than Padan Fain has gone through the murky, murky Ways with the Horn and is en route to Toman Head. Verin has no idea how Fain could have tamed the Black Wind in order to get through the Ways. Impossible stuff. It’s like… well… taming the wind.

Verin’s idea is to try another Waygate, and the closest one is in Stedding Tsofu. Loial is uneasy about visiting a stedding, but he’ll have to suck it up. Also, Mat has about three weeks to live without that dagger. LOL!


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43 – “Help”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Irresponsible storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43 – “Help”! In the previous installment, in a nutshell, Spider-Man tries to talk some sense into Geldoff and his desire to use his car-blow-up powers for less-than-good reasons. Geldoff hints more than once at blowing up Spider-Man, which he deftly manuevers around and changes the subject.

While stopping a robbery, Geldoff blows up the building and hurts a few civilians inside. Not cool.

The issue ends with three very lovely X-Men ladies showing up to talk to Geldoff. He’s an X-Man.

And we’re all like “no shit”.

So there you have it.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43 [September, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Help”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43

Petey Parky is playing hooky. Doctor Science Professor asks why he isn’t in class right now. “The only one of you jokers who pays an ounce of attention and he skips the class? I saw him in the hallway, why isn’t he here?”

MJ perks up and tells the teacher that, and I quote, “he has a stomach thing” (aka boner). Stomach things ain’t gonna fly. Mr. Irate Science Teacher Kinda Guy is going to call Parker’s parents after school (lmao) to discuss his rampant delinquency!

A message from the principal over the intercom interrupts this happy scene. The school a few blocks away, PS 44, is getting attacked by mutants! Sources say that one of them is rubbing her butt all over the outside bricks, which is nasty. “Why don’t know exactly who or what is involved in the attack, but that school has been evacuated and police are on the scene. For safety purposes, I am ending the school day effective immediately. School is closed for the day.”

Pffft, well if the aim was safety, then closing school early was stupid. Get ready for a litany of crowd crush deaths as the whole student body attempts to pile toward the front door. The science class gets riotous; the teacher attempts to restore order. MJ looks worried, so she must know that Parker is at PS 44 as we speak…

Speaking of PS 44 as we speak, we turn our attention to PS 44 where mutants are “terrorizing” the school. “Mutants!!” Geldoff cries, bugeyed. “Where??!!” says Beautiful X-Woman #1 cheekily. The other two smile smugly.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43

Nope, I’m Cap’n Crunch! Shiver me timbers!

Because every woman is drawn the same in Ultimate Spider-Man, basically, I didn’t know that these three ladies were Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, and Storm. Grey has a kickass red pixie cut. Nice. “Don’t mean to freak you out or anything,” claims Jean Grey to the thoroughly freaked out Geldoff, “but we wanted to talk to you.”

Something about the X-Men striving to bring men and mutants together in harmony and peace and all that other treehuggin’ horseshit. They want to discuss Geldoff’s future. Get your notes ready, sir. I hope you don’t have anything to say about blowing up cars for fun in there anywhere in front of these nice young ladies.

Geldoff is so stricken with panic that he faints.

So, with him out of the picture, the three turn to talk to Spider-Man. It’s cool to finally meet him in the flesh!

“Spider-Man, wow, it’s like an honor to meet you.”

“It is?”

“I’m a huge fan–”

“You are?”

“She has a poster of you on her wall.”

“You do?”

“Oh, we’re all fans.”

“They sell posters?”

Very smooth. They ask him where the other half of his costume is and WHY he’s sporting wood inappropriately through his khaki pants. Am I half-kidding there? Maybe not! “So, uh, this guy is a mutant? I thought so, but he was pretty, no offense, he seems pretty homa- homoasu- homophobic.”

Good choice of words. Not sure what that has to do with mutant intolerance exactly, unless all mutants are gay or something. Let me check my notes on that one later. Oh, Spider-Man shifts gears immediately. “Mutant phobic.”

Jean Grey starts using her telepathic powers to speak to the Spidery One without speaking, so to speak! She tells him it was cool of him to try to help him out, even if he wasn’t receptive to anything like logic or reason. “We at the X-Men try to handle things in a peaceful way,” she tells him. Compliments or no compliments, Spider-Man is getting really uncomfortable with Grey in his head like that. He tells her this, and she backs off a bit.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43

NO ONE GIVES ENOUGH CREDIT TO THE NICE GUYS.

While Spider-Man spends the next fourteen panels picturing Jean Grey naked, Geldoff starts coming to. He wakes up and sees the four others staring down at him. “You okay?” Grey asks telepathically. Geldoff freaks out again and thumps back to the floor unconscious.

Well, these women seem to find this one big smiley joke. So here’s the deal: if they don’t move his ass, the police are going to come arrest him for blowing up car-shaped vehicles. Then they can let Professor “No Legs” Xavier take care of it when they cart his ass back to the mutant school. After insinuating that Geldoff may not actually be a mutant, successfully bewildering the bejesus out of Spider-Man, the three of them call the professor through Jean Grey’s psychic hotline.

An apparition of Xavier pops up in the sky. He agrees that they can let Professor “No Legs” Xavier, i.e. himself, take care of it when they cart his ass back to the mutant school. Technically it’s kidnapping, but what isn’t kidnapping these days??

Here’s the part where the Kitty Pryde invites Spider-Man to come back with them to their school! Storm thinks it’s not the best idea, and Grey stares daggers at her, but Pryde points out that they’re going to have to dump the Geldoff body back in Queens when they’re done anyway. “So come meet the Professor, he’s awesome.”

Spidey says yes. As long as he’s back by six so that he can eat Aunt May’s famous boiled spinach paste tacos without getting yelled at for being late for dinner.

Meanwhile, at the high school, parents are appearing in droves to pick up their kids following the weird mutant attack announcement. MJ overhears two girls discussing a Spider-Man sighting at the other school, which MJ demands more information about. “Yeah, they say Spider-Man swung in and the cops came and it got crazy and the mutant was blowing stuff up and then they made everyone go home.” It doesn’t sound like much more new information, but it’s better than nothing I always say.

After MJ’s mom all but tackles her daughter to the ground, thanking the good Lord Savior Jesus that she’s ok, May ambles around looking for her awful nephew. MJ tries to cover for Parker, but Gwen Stacy is all like “WE HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN HOURS, MA’AM. HE COULD BE LITERALLY ANYWHERE, DEAD IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE MOST LIKELY. BOYS TODAY, AM I RIGHT? WANNA MAKE MUFFINS?”

So yeah, while Aunt May is pissed that Parker’s not around, Spider-Man is enjoying a ride in a private jet with sexy X-Ladies.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43

Nothing throws your opponent off quite like stripping down to your dick and balls and commencing with the tackling and the pinning and the teabagging.

Pryde wants to know more about how and why Spider-Man decided to come fight this Geldoff guy in half a costume. “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” he responds sheepishly. Geldoff starts regaining consciousness again.

Pryde continues to be in awe of Spider-Man, a superhero without mutant powers. Just bitten by a radioactive spider is all. We can talk about it more over dinner sometime, and–

“Sacoola shtara kinito!!” yells Geldoff a split-second after Grey senses his awakedness. The group tries to calm him down with warm smiles and batting eyelashes. “We’re your friends!!” Pryde jubilates effusively.

“Stay away!!” he screams, revving up his blue energy balls in his hands. “STAY AWAY!!!”

BOOM. Explosion in the jet. Geldoff is going to 9/11 this thing.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #43

These dang newfangled 2003 phones.

Elsewhere, Aunt May calls up Ben Ulrich of the Daily Bugle to check if her awful nephew is at work right now. She gets transferred around about half a dozen times. This isn’t very exciting. Let’s move on.

The jet spirals out of control. Spider THWIPS a gobby pile of web jizz onto Geldoff’s mouth to stop him from screaming while the jet breaks off into pieces. Storm flies out into the air and attempts to create a wind tunnel to keep the plane in the air. Why, exactly, I don’t know, since it’s a flaming wreck right now anyway. Might as well plummet safely into the ground at 1,200 mph.

The issues ends with the following predicament: The plane falls out of the control in one direction. Spider-Man falls out of the plane and flies out of control in the other direction. Storm looks at both and wonders what the fuck she’s going to do.

And if it were me, I’d let the little spider plop to the ground.

Final Thoughts

Adding X-Men into the mix breathed some fresh air into this admittedly dull plot! I was kind of hoping Spider-Man would get to meet Professor Xavier, but planes blow up all the time. I’m sure he won’t be offended.


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