“A mysterious stranger named Angel tells Buffy that if she does not stop the Harvest, the Hellmouth will open and the Master will roam free.“

THE MASTER WILL ROAM FREE! Which Master? The Chessmaster? Oof, ain’t nobody letting that guy run around willy-nilly. Let’s stop the dang ol’ Harvest.

We last left Buffy about to get bitten by Josh Hartnett the vampire, but the cross she wears on her necklace burns the ever-loving Jesus out of his hand. She gets away, and then saves Willow from a vampire. Then she saves Xander from a vampire. And then they realize Jesse is dead, and they care for exactly 17 seconds! Cue opening credits.

“and Tom Felton as George Costanza”

We begin with Giles in the library being boring, as is the case in these early installments. And the middle installments. And the later installments. He speaks of Earth and that it’s old, older than anyone knows. Older than Keith Richards, and that’s pretty old. Demons walked the Earth for decades! Millennia! Eons! And, guess what? Vampires = Demons.

Who is this mysterious camera crew reflected in my spectacles??

Xander struts around in one of his best Hawaiian shirts and gets incredulous about having a discussion about vampires, even though Willow is like “we saw vampires, numbnuts”.

“The last demon who left this reality fed off a human, mixed their blood. He was a human form possessed, infected by the demon’s soul.” Giles, ever the know-it-all. This is the origin of the Vampire! Let’s get some lunch.

Down in the hole, the Master gets an offering of medium-rare Jesse. Darla had already gotten a taste of the kid, which pisses the Master off. He obviously doesn’t want any sloppy seconds, so he threatens Darla and I think she kind of gets off on it. Let’s get back to these fun, fun individuals later. Right now, Xander learns about how the Chosen One (Buffy) gets to beat up (Slay) the bad guys (Vampires). The next task is to find Jesse for some reason. I, personally, would leave him for dead, but this is the plot point of “The Harvest” so I suppose we’ll need to roll with it.

You’re trying to tell me that this ugly piece of shit isn’t worth your time, sir?

Buffy suggests running around the sewers Batman-style until they find the Lair of the Beast! It’s probably not the best idea, but Willow raises her hand and claims that there might be a better plan than getting covered in other people’s shit.

Meanwhile, the evil vampires speak about how Jesse might be a friend of the Slayer, so they’ll use him to lure her to the lair. Then they can kill her and proceed with the Harvest! These guys are smarter with the ideas. I’m rooting for the vampires on this one.

After Buffy realizes from memory that the entrance to the lair is in the graveyard, they decide to get their affairs in order and start planning on maybe thinking about considering going over there and Slaying some vampire rumpus. “If Jesse’s alive, I’ll bring him back,” Buffy says with the overconfidence of someone about to have egg all over her face! Xander and Willow will hang back and do some super sleuthing on their Packard Bell Pentium 2 computers with Encarta ’95.

Buffy ambles around the mausoleum of the graveyard, in broad daylight mind you, poking around for scary guys with pointy tooths. She comes a across a door sealed with a chain and a padlock.

“I suppose you don’t have a key on you?” she asks the creature approaching from behind.
“They really don’t like me dropping in.”

Angel looks so worried about Buffy that he pooped his soulful vampire pants.

It’s Angel the Pretty Boy. They flirt for about two minutes, then he warns her not to go down to the lair. It’s the Harvest, don’t you know? Lots of gourds and vine-ripe tomatoes. Buffy says “ok” and kicks down the door. After another couple of minutes of flirting, she accidentally calls him out on having absolutely no friends, and he gives her directions through the tunnels. “And good luck,” he whispers to himself dramatically after she leaves him standing there alone with his dick in his hand.

The tunnels are full of rats and camera crews. She slinks around the labyrinth and suddenly gets spooked by Xander! He’s there to help out his only friend Jesse, who is going to be dead in about four minutes. Buffy begrudgingly accepts his companionship, which he starts bungling immediately.

In the library, Giles thumbs through a Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual and discovers more information about the Harvest. Cordelia and Harmony throw shade about Buffy in the computer lab while Willow looks up information on earthquakes. After hearing enough about how much of a psychopath Buffy is, Willow defends Buffy’s honor. This leads to sneers and jeers from the cool kids, who are psychopaths themselves so it’s a wash.

Hey, man, you guys talkin’ about The Big Lebowski?

Down in the tunnels, Buffy and Xander bump into Jesse (literally) and discover him shackled to the floor by his leg. Buffy makes short work of the shackle and they start squirrelling Jesse away and out of there. They walk about three feet before getting flanked by terrifying, smiley demons. Once they get cornered, Jesse (spoiler alert) turns into a (spoiler alert) vampire and says he’s going to (spoiler alert) nuzzle their cozy necks! “I feel good, Xander! I feel strong! I’m connected, man, to everything! I can hear the worms in the earth!” These are all points Jesse is using to sell his vampirism, which I’m not buying for even a minute. MAYBE 45 seconds. Anyway, they run away from Jesse because he’s not cool anymore. And he never was.

After some very tense and suspenseful flailing, Buffy and Xander escape through a manhole cover and out into the open air with the sunny sky.

The Master is not happy with this unforeseen circumstance. “It does not matter to me. She will not stop the Harvest,” the Master says, grapes a-sour. But he’s going to kill the responsible parties, and he does, and it was good.

Someone find me my toupee.

Willow reports to Giles that a giant earthquake of 1937 led to a sudden spree of murders, implying that this is the event that opened up the Hellmouth in the first place. Giles gives her a pat on the ol’ ass for a job well done.

We see more creepy vampire rituals in the lair. Sucking and fucking, mostly. “My blood is your blood. My soul is your soul. Your body is my instrument. On this most hallowed night, we are as one.” I suppose this is all Harvest-related chicanery, meant to serve the Harvest gods for the Harvest bounty after the Harvest is finalized.

Buffy and Xander come back to the library to report Jesse’s vampirization. “I’m sorry,” says Willow sheepishly. Don’t worry, though! Giles has good news: “It’s the end of the world,” he says. Earthquakes and Hellmouths and grapes with seeds in them. The Harvest happens once in a century. The Master can draw power from one of his minions (the vessel), and crack open the Hellmouth further to RELEASE THE DAMNED! Let’s stop this before it’s too late and there are seven more seasons of vampires running around rampant like diseased little shrews.

Buffy gets ready to save the world, but then Joyce tells her she’s grounded for cutting class. I hate when that happens. Not one to listen to Joyce’s shitty parenting tactics, Buffy opens up her chest of vampire-eradication supplies and sneaks out of her bedroom window.

Is that a jar of communion wafers? Nice.

Don’t look now, but Cordelia and her posse are hanging out at the Bronze while Jesse watches in the shadows with a lusty glare in his eye. He swoons Cordelia by being dark and mysterious and telling her to shut up, which, by experience, turns me into putty too. Shortly after this, the troupe of lair vampires busts into the Bronze with the vampire faces and shuts down the lights. “This is a glorious night!” the Josh Hartnett vampire declares to the crowd. “Unfortunately, it will be the last one you ever see.”

People are scared, yada yada yada. Vampires start feeding on the clientele, one by one, which increases the Master’s endurance and, you know, stamina. The Scooby gang shows up outside of the Bronze and plans on storming the establishment to kill some bad guys. Buffy does a lot of sneaking around for the sixth time in two episodes. The Master’s strength continues to grow as Josh Hartnett eats some necks. He’s just about to suck the shit out of Cordelia when Buffy leaps down from the rafters.

Fight time. Choreography and dancing and merriment. Xander helps evacuate the building. Buffy wins the fight handily after a tense moment of looking like she won’t win the fight handily. Xander attempts to talk some sense into Vampire Jesse, but this culminates into some much-needed staking. Willow throws holy water in Darla’s face, turning it ugly! Ha!

Don’t make me do it, man. I’m sportin’ wood here.

Anyway, the Master is like “NOOOOOO!” after he’s thoroughly thwarted. Status quo is attained. The Master is still around, I guess. We haven’t seen the last of him!

*trumpet fart noises*

Next Time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Season 1, Episode 3 — “The Witch”
Willow learns enough about the Salem Witch Trials to draw ire from Principal Flutie, who dies by the end of the season.