Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 13 – “Countdown”

* Part 5 of 9 of Vol. 2 – “Confluence” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 13: “Countdown”! In the previous installment, Raye Penber’s fiancée, who had remained nameless until now (her name is Shouko), visits the police station with the intention of giving them everything she has so far speculated and narrowed down about the Kira case. Raito spends some time talking to her, and wouldn’t you know it, she has everything figured out! Everything, right down to the last detail, is correct from her speculations. The only thing she doesn’t know is Kira’s identity.

Raito, once again, faces an obstacle! But it doesn’t matter. A dead woman can’t blab.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“God”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

lol, nice cover. “USING INTELLIGENCE” … “TO DISCERN”. That’s arguable.

“No matter how she came up with the information, everything she deducted is true. I MUST GET RID OF HER,” Raito cries and whines. Panics. It’s like, let’s just blow up the Death Note. Just send it flying like a frisbee and then skeet shoot the shit out of it. How’s that for an idea? The no one will ever find you, you little piss-pants.

Back in the previous chapter, when Raito was talking to Shouko in the police station he did his best to hide his face from the police cameras so that no one could read his lips. As if anyone watching the cameras in the security office was going to read lips at all. They were reading the M’s on their M&M’s with much concentration and focus! But at least it’s one less thing to worry about I GUESS. I’d still launch that thing like a frisbee.

Raito spends a good two pages stalking the poor woman as she walks away. When noticed, she doesn’t spray him with some of her pepper spray with 16,000,000 Scoville units. That would rule, but she doesn’t. And I’ll always hate her for that.

“I’m thinking about what you said earlier,” Raito tells her creepily. “I think we should investigate what you said as soon as possible to solve this case.”

Ok, don’t leave it up to the people getting paid to sort of do that already, son. Shouko is taken aback by his sudden interest! She fumbles for her 2-liter can of pepper spray, but then thinks better of it.

“Have you told anybody else what you’ve told me?” Raito asks, and who was she going to tell? Her mailman? Her milkman? Her cobbler? Her glass blower?

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

Go hoho yourself, Krampus.

Raito pulls out some notepaper, and looks suspiciously like death notepaper! He starts pretending to take down some information, like what day the hijacking occurred, but here’s what he’s really writing:

“Maki Shouko. Suicide. 2004, January 1st, 1:15pm. A place only she knows. Somewhere hidden and secluded. The body should be difficult to discover. All clues point to suicide. Within the next 48 hours.”

Hot damn! Raito’s gonna send her ass to the Japanese Suicide Forest! How very trite. They’re going to smell this one 75 miles away, or my name isn’t… *checks blog header* …Tom Writesaboutstuff.

“She’s pretty smart, so she should hide herself well,” Raito muses as his pointy friend “ho ho ho ho ho ho ho”s behind him. “Your laughter is stranger than normal, Ryuuku. Do you find something especially funny?”

This is what it sounds like when a Shinigami has a stroke, kiddo. They look like the Joker with a broom up the ol’ butt chute and pretend to be Demonic Santa. He doesn’t tell the kid what’s so funny. He probably fucked something up in the note and there will be a big loophole where Shouko throws a ninja star through Raito’s eyeball before shouting “SUICIDE”, pressing the side of Raito’s head against the side of her own head, and passing a shotgun bullet through both in succession! Surprise! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

We wouldn’t want that. We wouldn’t want her to miss her “GO DIE!!” appointment.

Shouko chit-chats with Raito for a little bit longer. She wants to let the investigation team know in person what she has figured out all by her lonesome. ESPECIALLY after hearing what Raito had to say (whatever that was, I fucking forgot and don’t care). When they start walking again, Raito all but licks his lips deliciously. Very very interested in how this woman plans to commit suicide in ten seconds. Maybe she’ll drop a toaster in her bathtub! No, argh, she’s not even close to her bathtub! Well, I’m fresh out of ideas.

“We’ll definitely catch Kira,” Shouko says while the kid’s mind is filled with thought balloons of “?!” and “??!?” and “?”. It’s already way past 1:15! It’s, like, 1:17! Why isn’t this woman’s brains smeared all over his shirt and pants?! This is an outrage of the highest magnitude! A 9.7 on the Outrage Richter Scale!

“Weird, why isn’t she doing anything?” Raito asks himself with mere puzzlement instead of the OUTRAGE I crave. “I’ve made a criminal hang himself before… He did what I wrote, so I know the method works…”

We see a dramatic panel of the handwritten word “suicide” with some kind of hypodermic needle in front of it. Like an afterschool special that warns against the dangers of both suicide AND hypodermic needles. That was a good one.

Raito looks like his puppy was punted off a bridge. This woman isn’t dead and she’s going to tell his dad everything. Everything. Daddy Yagami is going to send his son to the gulag to eat rats. This is an OUTRAGE! I just–

“HO HO. HO HO HO.”

And then there’s this pasty clown laughing at him ever since he put pen to paper. Is there nitrous oxide in the air? He wrote down her name, and then he starting ho-ing, and then…

Wait a minute. Her name? That’s the ticket! It must not be the real name! Some other woman is suiciding right now as we speak, drowning herself in a bucket of SpaghettiOs in the secluded, dusty closet of a long-abandoned industrial building. What the hell is he going to do now? “That’s right. Ryuuku can see people’s names with his eyes. That’s why he was laughing!”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

You mean to tell me his name isn’t “Vanilla Ice”?!?

Yes, it was quite a chuckle! Ziggy comics ain’t got nothing on this! Very funny stuff!

“This woman. She’s been cautious from the start.”

Well, why wouldn’t she be? She’s got a bullseye on her back, and Kira keeps shooting blanks at it.

“That’s right! She believes that her husband died because he gave his name!”

Well done, Sparky. Rayemund Prenflbler wasn’t her husband, but close enough. You earned your cookie.

“Shit… it’ll be hard to ask for her real name when she told me her fake one…”

Yeah, good luck. Maybe you can sneak into her house and find her electric bill before she makes her way to the weird Sex Hotel where the orgy with L is currently happening. Happy New Year! But how will Raito avoid arousing suspicion when parts of his supple little body are already aroused? That’s too much arousal already!

Shouko, or whatever her name is. I’ll go back to calling her Faye. So Faye wants to head back to the Police Investigation Headquarters Building of Crime Stopping Initiatives (or the simple mnemonic device: PIHBCSI = Penguin in Hell Bury Cancer Sticks Inside…). Raito is like, fuck dude. Now everything I do might be hella suspicious. Gotta figure something out before I continue looking exponentially hella suspicious with each passing second.

Oh yeah, Raito promised in the previous chapter that he’d call his father for her. “I… what am I doing?” he asks himself after even considering calling his deadbeat dad. “My head is so messed up right now.”

Yeah, I’m really freaking out too, man. His beeper keeps beeping and oh man… oh man… why does he have a beeper in 2004? That’s the worst part of this whole ordeal.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

Sure, what kind of force are you going to use? Pants-creaming force?

While Raito is contemplating pushing this woman to the ground in broad daylight or something just to get her driver’s license, Ryuuku keeps right on “ho ho ho”ing like this kid following this woman is the FUNNIEST GODDAMN THING ON THE PLANET!

This woman is too careful. All these cameras have seen them. She hasn’t even given her real name. How is he going to figure this one out? Hey, her ass looks tight has hell in those jeans. Come on, man, focus.

“Raito, we can switch eyes at any time,” Ryuuku reminds his hapless buddy, “all it takes is a few seconds.”

As you may remember from some chapter that I won’t link to because I don’t want to reread any of this old shit, having the ability to see through a Shinigami’s eyes allows one to know the name of the person right away. BUT, it cuts your lifespan in half. WHAT A PICKLE.

“Losing half my life for this woman? You must be joking,” Raito says. It’s his turn to start with the ho-ho-hos! “No, this exchange is never worth it.”

He’ll probably change his tune on Chapter 107. Instead of getting hit by that bus four days later, he’ll get hit by that bus two days later. End of book.

“Shouko” stops, turns around, and asks the kid if he still needs to go to the police station. She’ll be fine on her own, so get lost.

………………… okay.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

We’d rather you hammer us than nail us! Hee hee hee. Ho ho ho.

Meanwhile, at Casa de L, whose real name I fucking forgot because who gives a hell shit, L is satisfied after a barrage of questions that no one in the room is actually Kira. He pensively chews on a fingernail while looking at them with his buggy, doleful, mascaraed eyes.

Oh yeah, Ryuuzaki. How could I forget? When asked how he had finally deduced this information, he answers cryptically with “I got a plan… it’s a test that none of you are aware of.”

How very reassuring, weirdo! Ryuuzki L Salamanca’s phone rings and he answers it. One detective is rather pissed because L told the rest of them to keep their cellphones OFF. The detective grits his teeth because he misses checking all those half-naked woman Twitter accounts and those tweets with the 156k likes that say something like “she don know what he don know ya know :CRYING-LAUGHING-EMOJI”.

It’s Watari. He’s going to join the party! He’s bringing the dip. I hope someone brought the chips! Or at least their own spoons.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

GREAT SCOTT!

Watari shows up and he’s an old man. An old man who is friends with L. Like Doc Brown was friends with Marty McFly, and we all know how appropriate that was.

“You must be thinking ‘this old geezer is Watari?’” he addresses them geezerly, “Ryuuzaki has told you everything, correct? Ryuuzaki must really trust you all if he let you see my face.”

The detectives in the room are all making undignified “GUHH!!” faces.

Watari has a small case containing five badges on crushed velvet, purchased by L himself. Watari is instructed to pass them out; these will be your new badges. Throw out your old ones! Right in the garbage. NOW!

“Your name and position must be anonymous,” Watari explains, and then L chimes in to say it’s because Kira can kill those of whom he knows their names. Like WE DON’T ALREADY KNOW. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION. STOP SAYING IT, IT’S BEEN 14 CHAPTERS. STOP IT.

Half are torn that they are to use fake badges. The other half are like “GUHH!! KIRA WILL KILL ME HE KNOWS MY NAME IS JIMMY SMITS!!”

Jimmy Smits wins out!

We end with Raito and the woman. He’s nervous. She’s five minutes from reaching the police station, and with her information she’ll blab everything. He’s a prime suspect! He’ll get the brig, and it won’t be one of those fun brigs. It’ll be one of those mean brigs with the mean people in it! He shudders to think.

HE’S UNDER THE GUN! NAME, NAME, WHAT’S HER NAME.

Final Thoughts

Just find a gun and shoot her in the neck, you dullard.


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Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “…and most of the costumes stay on…”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Game storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “…and most of the costumes stay on…”!

What? What’s this now? Back to New 52? Right in the middle of my run through All-Star Superman? Yes, that’s right. I’m taking a break to hit what I’ve heard is one of the most godawful comic series this side of the millennium. This is about 20% out of sheer curiosity, and 80% out of working toward my goal of hitting the Night of the Owls event before I die of old age and rotting bones!

Plus, these New 52 issues go by fairly quickly, so I don’t expect the excruciating pain to last too long anyway. Besides… you know… how bad could it really be… ?

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Judd Winick
“…and most of the costumes stay on…”

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

OK, well, Selina Kyle is on the cover splayed out on the side of the building with a loose bra by her side. That’s a start.

“Life isn’t without risk. You hear that bon mot a lot. But mostly around business. Or dating. Or eating fried food from street vendors…”

Selina garbs herself up in her leather Catwoman gear.

“…but we take risks all the time, every day, in a thousand ways. Driving a car. Talking to a stranger. Jay-walking. Those are the little ones we don’t even think about.”

Selina stuffs about 36 cats into one portable carrier.

“It’s the big ones that make it interesting. At least for me, it is.”

A group of skull mask-wearing brutes busts into her apartment and starts chain-gunning the shit out of the place! Leather suit only halfway on, she does a backflip out of her window (while smiling), carrying her brood of angry, feral cats! “I have no idea who these guys are. Well, I got some idea. They’re apparently some dudes who I’ve ragingly pissed off and have managed to find out where I live.” That’s very poetic, Selina. Sounds like you can’t even backflip your way out of a haiku.

Selina hops along the rooftops. She knows these guys are ransacking her apartment looking for something she may or may not have taken! Too bad they won’t find anything but, and I quote, “bras, books, wine, and cat food”. Cats get to eat food, but Selina herself eats bras and books. No wonder she’s so thin.

She stands back with fiery eyes as she watches her apartment get torched and blown up. Now, all of a sudden, she needs money and a place to stay. So she hits up fellow cat lady Lola. Who was a showgirl! How about that, huh? *snooze*

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Someone tries to kill me every day and I’m a right as rain!

Of course, Lola is concerned and offers her place to crash. Selina doesn’t wanna impose, but Lola takes offense because she seems pretty touchy.

“I’m coming to you for help, aren’t I?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure I’m giving you the help you really need.”

“I’ll get it here or someplace else.”

“Okay.”

Thrilling conversation! I’m pleased as punch that I’m already almost halfway through Issue #1 and nothing has happened except an apartment got blown up for reasons that are probably not going to be explained.

Lola tells Selina that the Hotel Belle Monico penthouse will be empty for two weeks. She heard this piece of juicy information from the cleaning crew, which she knows personally! “If you’re quiet, you can squat.”

Yeah, squat right over her face and take a big–

“Love it. Thank you, Lola.” Selina gives the woman a big ol’ hug. Lola also may have a job for her. That’s a double whammy of good luck! Now all she needs is a good lay. Is Batman available these days? Heh heh. Yuck.

So, Selina heads on over to hotel where a Russian mob has booked a suite and hired a gaggle of prostitutes! Selina thought about posing as one of the prostitutes, but she didn’t want to be groped. Allegedly. “They make sure the escorts don’t speak Russian. This way they can unwind. But I know Russian. So I’ll be tending bar. And listening.”

Oooooh, espionage! Sexy stuff. Selina wears a long, red wig and listens in on all the dirt: Cars. Soccer. Penis size. DVD scams. Dead Asian mob lieutenants. Blah blah blah. Where’s the real dirt, goddamnit? This is piddling stuff! I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!

Man, there are no good panels here I can use for the commentary. How’s that for a bad sign? I’ll give it this, though – the art is fantastic. A real treat for the ol’ eyeballs.

OK, how about this panel. This is a good one.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Meh. Maybe not.

So, Selina overhears a couple of guys talk about stealing back a horse painting that another crew lifted off of them. It’s worthless, but it had been in the clan for over a hundred years! At this point, it’s bad luck not to have it.

“He’s willing to go to war over some worthless painting?”

“It’s not worthless if he wants to go to war over it. Because of that, it has great value.”

Ah, ok. Loud and clear. That definitively validates every war that has ever been fought. Good work, gentlemen. Selina is quite intrigued, though. If this painting is very valuable to some, then they’re willing to shell out a lot of cold, hard rubles to get it back.

Suddenly, Selina hears a voice she recognizes from a man named Renaldi. He should be locked up in prison right now! But he’s not! Why ain’t he?!

Selina has a past with this guy, but I don’t know what it might be whatsoever. Something weird and rapey. Anyway, she follows Renaldi into the bathroom and shows him her bare midriff and gives him the ol’ sex eyes.

“You are a bartender, right?”

“I am. But I have many other skills.”

“Vell. You should know… I am not easily impressed.”

“Good. I like a challenge.”

And then she, like, smashes his face against the sink counter top. Who’s easily impressed now? Bitch. She also slashes him with her sharp fingernails. Really fucks this guy up to high heaven! “GAAARRGHHH!” he is heard to scream.

Simply crazed, this chick.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

RRAAWWRR!! CHECK PLEASE!

“Damn it. Not watching the clock. My chloroformed barkeep is a lot less chloroformed. Can’t slink out of here unnoticed. So what?”

“Let them notice.”

So she turns into Catwoman immediately and whips her way through the room, cat o’ nine tailsing the shit out of the Russian clientele and their many, many whores. Just frothing into a frenzy, knocking out big, burly men and big, burly prostitutes with ease and grace. “Hookers screaming. Gangsters shouting in Russian. I barely hear it.” She slams a man into the wall with her knees, hard enough to crack the wall. “I just want to go home.”

In the penthouse suite at the Hotel Belle Monico where she’s squatting with her 17 cats, Selina misses her shitty, rundown apartment WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN Batman shows up to bid her some condolences WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN she starts laying some fat smooches on his face. “He tastes like metal. He uses an ointment or something to keep his exposed flesh safe. I’ve grown to like it. A lot.”

Batman pushes her away like “slow your roll, ho”.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

How about a roll in the hay, sailor.

He says he’s only hear to ask her what the holy fucking fuck she’s doing. Putting others in danger? Putting yourself in danger? Have you gone cuckoo bananas, lady?

So then she tackles him like a cuckoo bananas lady. Unhinged as all getout. Looney Tunes. After he is ground-bound, she kisses him again. Digs her claws into him like some sort of cat woman.

Then he starts ripping her clothes off.

“This isn’t the first time. Usually it’s because I want him. Tonight I think it’s because I need him. Every time… he protests. Then… gives in. And he seems… angry.”

Batman nibbles on Catwoman’s neck. Her eyes are rolled back like there’s anything sexy about this at all. There isn’t.

“But that doesn’t slow either of us down. Still… it doesn’t take long… and most of the costumes stay on…”

Final Thoughts

Cool fucking, idiots. I can already see why no one likes this trash.

Looking forward to Issue #2! See you in the funny papers, you sluts!


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The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)

Tagline:
Better Late Than Never.

Wide Release Date:
August 19, 2005

Directed by:
Judd Apatow
Written by:
Judd Apatow, Steve Carell
Produced by:
Judd Apatow, Clayton Townsend, Shauna Robertson

Starring:
Steve Carell
Catherine Keener
Paul Rudd
Seth Rogan
Romany Malco

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I saw this movie in the theater! I was home from college for the weekend, and I saw it with my sister. September 24, 2005. I remember the exact date because five days later I’d start a relationship with my first girlfriend, now my wife. Although I was 17 at the time, this movie hit a little too close to home for me. But I’m hella not a virgin and I’m still four years away from 40, so it all worked out.

Anyway, I might have seen this at least one more time along the way. I like this movie. I’m gonna watch it again.

THE 10(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Andy (Steve Carell) is a 40-year-old virgin.

THE 500(ish)-WORD REAL SYNOPSIS

Andy (Steve Carell) is a 40-year-old virgin. He works at an electronics store with David (Paul Rudd), Cal (Seth Rogan), and Jay (Romany Malco), all of whom are not virgins. He lives in an apartment full of nerd shit: video games, comic books, action figures still in their original packages. He’s shy. He’s awkward. He’s Steve Carell, baby.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

John Philip Sousa, bitches!

During a poker game with his co-workers, Andy gets cornered into revealing that he has never had sex. There are varying degrees of reactions to this, but David, Cal, and Jay all make it their mission to help Andy get some. They all offer advice, and a lot of it sucks. David has Andy try speed dating, which backfires when David matches up with his ex-girlfriend and attempts to reconnect. Jay has Andy try hot waxing, which backfires when it proves to be too painful for him. Cal has Andy try feigning confidence, which works on a bookstore clerk named Beth (Elizabeth Banks). She gets all weird and horny about it.

Andy doesn’t really like any of these tactics, but along the way he gets intrigued by a customer named Trish (Catherine Keener) who owns a brick-and-mortar startup across the street from the electronics store. When nothing his co-workers suggest works, Andy bones up enough courage to call Trish and ask her out on a date. They have a good time. They decide to put off having sex for 20 dates, which Andy is thrilled to do.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Why, yes, thank you! I am charming! Plenty more dick jokes where that came from!

Andy and Trish’s relationship goes well. Trish’s teenage daughter Marla (Kat Dennings) wants birth control, which Trish opposes to vehemently. Andy agrees to take Marla to a sex health clinic to join a group session (which is more for his own benefit than hers), where he learns that she is a virgin. Andy admits his own virginity in confidence, which increases Marla’s respect for him.

Other events happen with Andy’s co-workers. None of them are important! After 20 dates, Trish tries to start some sexy times with Andy, but he freaks the fuck out and leaves her bewildered and hurt. Following this, Andy has a weird breakdown where he gets shitfaced at a nightclub and goes to Beth the Bookstore Girl’s apartment. She jerks herself off in the tub with a shower head, which scares him a little and sobers him up. Meanwhile, Marla convinces Trish to stick with Andy, and Andy’s co-workers convince Andy to stick with Trish.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Nothing turns a woman on quite like a man who gets scared shitless of her.

Trish is waiting in Andy’s apartment when he returns, and after a brief confrontation she gets in her car and drives off sad and angry. Andy chases her down on his bike and gets into an accident. Lying injured on the street, he finally admits to her that he’s a virgin. She is not only ok with this, but she is relieved that everything finally makes sense.

They get married, they fuck, it lasts 30 seconds, everyone lives happily ever after.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Virginity

Yuck, am I really going to talk about this? No one reading this wants to hear about it from me!

So, virginity. It seems like such a pathetic topic for anyone older than 25, right? Does anyone even really give a shit about that kind of thing once you’re old enough? The people who haven’t had sex have obviously not for a whole slew of reasons, and that their personal business. I’m happy for Andy that he found a woman who loved him for the shy nerd that he was, but was there any sense that Andy was at all dissatisfied with his life? Comic books and video games and toys? Sounds like the sweet life to me. Who says you need to get rid of that stuff as you get older? As you all may know, I got into comic books for the first time at age 33.

Andy’s hobbies aside, if I were 40 years old and I never had sex before, I wouldn’t want co-workers who are barely my friends to get involved in my personal life. It’s like, fuck off dudes. Let me be involuntarily celibate in peace!

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

HELLO KIDS. I CAN MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS AT YOUR PARTIES!

TOPIC 2 — Times Have Changed

Man, I never used to really think much has changed since the 2000’s, but this movie sure shut me up. We’re talking Circuit City-type electronics stores! We’re talking pornography on video cassette! We’re talking landlines! We’re talking brick and mortar stores centered around eBay, which I think might’ve been a thing?! We’re talking 40-year-old virgins! What a simpler time.

Speaking of times changing, this is probably one of the first comedy movies of its time. The bombastic, jokey, slightly dumb humor of the ’90s and early ’00s has been eschewed for more subtlety and conversation-based humor. A precursor to stuff like Superbad, Pineapple Express, Knocked Up, and a large handful of others. I don’t know enough about current comedies to know how the formula has changed, but this was the quintessential comedy style of its time. Barring oddities like the surrealism of Napoleon Dynamite, or the quote-fodder absurdity of Anchorman. Maybe I was the perfect age for these types of movies, but I certainly have a fondness for them. Fun times in the theater, that’s for sure, and they really highlighted the garbage-ness like Adam Sandler’s Click. Seriously, what the fuck was that shit?

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Seth Rogan is wearing a GZA Liquid Swords t-shirt, which is also a relic of a simpler time in America.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Steve Carell’s then eighty-year-old parents went to see the film, much to his embarrassment.
“Stevie, what was that about thinking a boob feels like a bag of sand? You know that’s not right! Here, I’ll show you! Come grab a piece of this…”

When Catherine Keener was cast, Steve Carell told Judd Apatow that her casting had legitimized the film’s credibility.
There are a few other bits of trivia that are similar to this one. I don’t think Steve Carell enjoyed doing this movie one bit! One big smear on his resume. Too bad he would never go on to do anything in Hollywood again…

What’s this now about a show about an office?

In a magazine interview, Judd Apatow revealed a trick behind the film’s success: during the first preview of the movie, he had actually recorded the preview audiences vocal reaction with a tape recorder. When it came to re-cutting the film for the general release, he trimmed the film in sync to the recorded reaction. The scenes that did not have audience reaction were either cut or trimmed (but reinserted in the Unrated edition).
Even Judd Apatow had to fabricate a “trick” to get this film to succeed. No one wanted to do this, and the director/writer/producer had no confidence in it. Sounds like me at my own job.

The scene where Andy has his chest hair removed required five cameras set up for the shot. Steve Carell’s chest hair was actually ripped out in the scene. Carell had told director Judd Apatow just before shooting the scene, “It has to be real. It won’t be as funny if it’s mocked up, or if it’s special effect. You have to see that this is really happening.” For obvious reasons, the scene had to be done in one shot.
I want you to hurt me, Judd. Hurt me bad.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

The face of a man who made a bad decision.

In a deleted scene on the Unrated DVD, when Andy is on the phone trying to get help to get rid of his erection, the person on the other end is Judd Apatow impersonating an Indian accent.
This one is actually commendable. Nothing kills a boner quite like racism.

Steve Carell was forty-three years old, had been married for ten years and was already the father of two children when the movie was released in 2005.
I hate all these non-virgins stealing roles from the virgins. This has to stop.

Jonah Hill got heatstroke filming the final dance number.
L-O-FUCKING-L

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It’s a cute movie, for the most part, with a lot of very painfully awkward moments courtesy of Carell’s pitch-perfect acting. I saw this movie at a very pivotal point in my life, so my own view of it is biased. I like this movie, but I saw so much of myself in Carell as a 17-year-old (which is sad, I know, give me a break) that it’s still hard to watch at twice the age. I probably will never see it again, especially since I just wrote about it. That’s how I do, ya’ll.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42 – “Temptations”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Irresponsible storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42 – “Temptations”! In the previous installment, MJ gives Peter Parker a long, sappy letter she wrote about 1,400 years ago about how much she loves him and how much she has always loved him and I didn’t believe a word of it! But, they get back together, and it is good, and she whipped up half a costume for him. Now he’s going to beat up bad guys with a Spider-Man poncho. It’s going to go poorly, but who gives a shit? Spider-Man is back, baby.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42 [August, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Temptations”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42

“I would really like to make out with my girlfriend!!” Spider-Man is crawling around a brick wall in his pants and socks, Spider-Manned up only from the top to his waist. “This is not that.”

At the top of the building, he spots a plume of smoke from about a block away. Police are going after it, but not firefighters. Apparently, the police now fight fires. At least they’ll be doing something for once.

Half-Spider-Man is self-conscious about his exposed gray pants. The mocking might even be worse than getting his tender little butt kicked. Maybe he can talk some sense into the Geldoff guy who seems to geld off on blowing things up! Did that joke land at all? It doesn’t look like it to me.

God, he would really like to stick his tongue down MJ’s throat right now…

Focus! Focus, son! Cars are exploding! Semi-Spidey confronts Geldoff, who is all like “vhat ees thees?” while the crowd around him mocks Spidey’s lack of a full costume. It doesn’t matter, Spidey’s got the upper hand here! THWIP SPACK SPACK! Take that Geldoff, your hands have now just become spidery egg sacks. Take that, bitch! Haha haah haaah! And–

Geldoff’s hands start glowing blue with incandescent energy. The crowd around Geldoff wants him to kick Spidey’s ass. The principal of the other school comes out. The police are showing up. It’s a scene, to be sure. Not handled very well. Poor inconspicuousness. D- work.

Ok, the police are here and Geldoff starts freaking out. He can’t be caught by police! The police don’t like him! The police are like “hey, Geldoff, we don’t like you” and they keep holding their guns at Geldoff’s temple point-blank and killing him. It’s very rude.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42

Vey vill send me bahk to Moldova. Please to be giving me your help.

Geldoff doesn’t want to get arrested and sent to Hell Jail, so when Spidey THWIPs his way up with his webbing, Geldoff hangs on tight to the back of Spidey’s poncho. “HEY!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF!!” And, oh, Geldoff will not Getoff. And then he starts plummeting toward the ground to his certain death! But then Spidey THWIPs him at the last second, saving him.

They land all rough-and-tumble on the roof, and Spider-Man gives the guy a stern lecture about being an idiot. He almost got himself killed, then people would’ve blamed him, and that’s not good PR. So why was he doing all this shit? Hmm? Huh? Well? Answer. Well? Huh? Hmm?

“I vas at this rockin’ out party and I vas a little plastered, you know, and I vas blowing up the parked cars for fun.” Geldoff looks like a beautiful young woman in this panel, holy shit dude. If I were Spider-Man I’d be showering him with all sorts of make-outs. “You know, just for the giggles. You know. And the principal, he got a list of names and suspended half the team. And we’re coming up on the season finals and I got mad and told him: he don’t put them back then I got to protest him. So I blow up his car to make him unsuspend them.”

Sounds good, Boss! Heh heh. Spidey will just be going now, and f– BUH WHAT?!

So he started blowing up other cars. He just kept on blowing up dang cars! He couldn’t stop! You know. You know. You know.

“Listen…” Spidey does a classic facepalm. “You’re — you’ve got amazing abilities. Amazing!! And the best thing you can think to do is blow up the principal’s car? Show off at parties?”

Geldoff doesn’t listen. He enjoys the wind whipping through his luxurious head of hair.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42

In short, he has the power to scare the shit out of my mom.

“Let me see vhat is going on under the mask.”

“You touch my mask, I’ll drop you like a bag o’ ham.”

“I have the thing–” Geldoff continues. “I can look at something and I can make it exploding.”

Geldoff shows Spidey. He looks at a barrel on the rooftop and focuses. A big, blue ball of energy forms in his hand. Grows and grows and grows, then… boom.

Spidey calls him a mutant, which offends the ever-loving fuck out of this cocksucker. “Mutants are devil’s children!!” Geldoff looks like he’s about to send Spider-Man’s entrails to Staten Island. “You say that about me one more time, and you vill have the trouble!”

Spider-Man backs off. Geldoff gelds off.

“What’s, uh, what’s the accent?”

“Vhat accent?”

“Where are you from?”

“Oh yes, I am an orphan. Originally from Latveria.”

There’s that fake-ass Latveria again. Popping up everywhere. Everyone’s from Latveria these days, aren’t they? His adopted parents learned about his powers just recently. They are not too happy. They are scared now. They also think this mutant is a mutant, but the mutant is really adamant about how mutants are the devil’s playthings. Or children. Whatever he said.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42

It works like vampires. Get bitten. Lose your soul. Hunger for blood. Garlic sucks now.

When asked how he got his powers, Geldoff doesn’t know. “Maybe I am – how you say – a magic man.” They drop the subject, and Geldoff earnestly wants to know why Spider-Man wears the mask. “You’re like – you know, famous. Why not just be all the vay the famous?”

Spidey doesn’t want to be famous, he just wants to cavort around in a very bright suit and be in the newspaper and on TV all the time. That’s all! “I don’t want to be Spider-Man all the time. I want, y’know, to do what I can for people, help people out, and then live a normal life when I’m not.”

Geldoff’s big, bright, blue eyes light up like big, bright, blue Christmas LED lights. “I should maybe get an outfit, huh?” Spidey still tries to get through to the kid to use his powers for good instead of vandalism-type endeavors.

Well, here’s the thing: everyone made fun of Geldoff until he started blowing shit up. Now they either think he’s cool, or they’re just really scared of him. “I meet the girls,” he adds, pointing out yet another benefit of the irresponsible exploding stuff with his hands thing. “Sure, some people they scared of me, but I like that, too. Good to have someone scared. Maybe I blow you up and be famous for girls.”

Ha, we knew it would come to this. Spider-Man had this in his back pocket for just such an occasion: “Okay… well… instead of that, how about this… ‘With great power comes great responsibility’.”

Geldoff looks at Spidey like he just came off the boat from Lateveria or something (fake-ass country). Why should he help people with his powers? He looks like it’s a foreign concept. Didn’t they help people in Latveria? Or did they just roam the Latverian streets stealing Latverian bread from Latervian marketplaces?

BAM! BAM! AAAIIEEE!

Oh no! Something’s going on at the ol’ currency exchange below! “Everybody freeze!!” yells a bad guy of sorts. Spidey tells Geldoff to stay on the roof, but Geldoff wants to come with him and blow some shit up real good! Nope! Stay there and watch a pro, son.

Three robbers wearing, respectively, Batman, Captain America, and Iron Man masks are looting the establishment. Spider-Man tells them to knock off the shenanigans. Capt. ‘Murrica shoots his gun off, which misses Spider by about four inches. Then Spidey webs his gun and pulls his body toward him, clocking the guy in the mug. He’s out cold. The other two are like “okay, man, sorry” and they start backing off.

Looks like the situation has been neutralized handily and–

EXPLOSION!

Now the clientele are almost all dead! Thanks douchebag. “Huh? You like?” Geldoff smiles. “Kicked some of the butt that time.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #42

Taste the back of the hand, whore!

Confrontation ahoy! As you might imagine this culminates into Geldoff threatening to blow up Spider-Man again. “Huh?? Yeah? Never tried it. Wonder what would happen I do it to a Spider-Man?” He raises his hands in the air like he just don’t care, preparing to fill them with blue balls.

Spidey stays silent. He just stares at him.

Well, actually, he stares past him.

Because behind Geldoff are three beautiful women in X-Men outfits. They’d like to talk to Geldoff.

He’s one of the devil’s children.

Final Thoughts

X-Men / Spider-Man crossover story! Can you feel the that buzzing excitement in the air? *head gets swarmed by 500,000 bees*


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All-Star Superman, Issue #6 – “Funeral in Smallville”

* Part 6 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #6 – “Funeral in Smallville”! In the previous installment, Clark Kent gets an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the incarcerated Lex Luthor. The whole issue boils down to the following:

“I hate Superman.”

“Waaahh, I can’t get what I want because of Superman.”

“My Superman obsession is not unhealthy! It’s NOT!”

“I killed Superman using the sun as a weapon.”

So if you didn’t read it, you didn’t miss much. All-Star Superman isn’t nearly as good as I was led to believe! I’ve got one more before I take a short break, so let’s just get this shit over with.

All-Star Superman, Issue #6 [March, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Funeral in Smallville”

All-Star Superman, Issue #6

Oh shit, is Superman’s Pa gonna bite the big one? And more importantly, whose dog is that? And, even more importantly, didn’t anyone spring for some numbers for the tombstone? Birthdate and deathdate? Useless fucking chunk of stone.

“You maybe can’t imagine how it was for us… your ma and me, we’d been married, oh, it must have been ten years by then. And Lord knows, one thing after another, we both bitterly regretted that we couldn’t have a child.”

Final Thoughts

Pfft! That’s always funny. Anyway, old Jon Kent spent a lot of time praying in between masturbation sessions for a baby of his own to raise, neglect, and abuse. Then one day some kid in a tube bolted from the sky down to the fields, nearly scared the cows half to death it did! “A childless couple, blessed from above with a miracle boy from another world!”

Now wouldn’t it be quite funny if some other alien kid came down right now in its own space pod and landed on Jon Kent’s balding noggin at 75,000 mph? I don’t think I’d ever recover from the laughter.

Something does descend from the sky, but it ain’t no baby and it certainly didn’t land on anyone hilariously. It’s a dog in a Superman cape. “Krypto!” Clark runs toward the Superdog. “Where have you been, pal?”

Woof woof bark. Bark bark rowf. Woof rowf bark yip yip yip.

Clark pulls a dead tree up from the ground by its roots. “You ready? Catch!” He throws the tree to the Oort Cloud, and Krypto chases after it. Then Superman chases after him and everyone revels in the merriment and the love.

All-Star Superman, Issue #6

Dork.

In this version of Ma and Pa Kent, they look like a hella decrepit, old, fat couple. Pa looks like he has poop in his overalls, and Ma has all the diabetes.

Superman and Krypto fly to the moon and have a good long look at the Earth. It hasn’t been ravaged by irrevocable climate change yet, it seems, based on the blue part (ocean) and the green part (land). Meanwhile, Ma and Pa get accosted by a man interested in Pa’s services (blowjobs).

The next day, Clark notices three new men working in the fields. Ma tells Clark that Pa wants things done the old fashioned way and not the Super Guy from Outer Space way.

“Clark, I’d like you to meet our new farmhands,” Pa says jubilantly while he lets into the house a guy that kinda looks like Clark, a guy wrapped up like a mummy, and a tiny little man who looks strikingly like that Mister Mxyzptlk motherfucker. These are going to be Bad Guys, I can already tell. The Clarky looking hunk of meat introduces himself as Calvin Elder. The other two are thus far nameless, so I’ll call them Ribeye and Marmaduke.

Clark meets up with an old Smallville friend (Lana Lang?) to discuss the suspiciousness of Pa’s new farmhands, a thrilling topic to be sure. “Did the big city make you so cynical already?” says (Lana Lang?), forgetting the fact that at least two of the three farmhands are very creepy and very suspicious. Another old friend, Pete Ross, shows up to tell Clark he is indeed full of beans of all kinds. Lima. Kidney. Jelly. Clark is talking about how overwhelming the big city is, how much he likes farming, and how he hasn’t decided what he’ll be doing next. It’s all so very riveting.

All-Star Superman, Issue #6

Smile! We’re all ugly!

While Clark sits there like an over-muscled lump, he starts hearing whispers with this super-hearing! “…I saw him! It was the Kansas Superman!” “Ain’t no such thing.” “But he flew away…” “…with that old man!”

Superman goes catatonic and preoccupied even after Lana Lang (confirmed) asks him where he wants her to send that ugly fucking photo they just to. Clark pretends he’s going to shit his underoos and takes his leave…

Atop a silo about twenty miles away, Superman and Krypto observed “Calvin Elder” zipping around the farm like Superman. “See, Krypto? ‘Calvin Elder’ has superpowers and an action suit like mine!” I’ll give you an action suit, Superman. A class action suit.

The three “farmhands” talk amongst themselves. Something about how a chronovore ate a man’s life? Don’t care. Suddenly, they hear a faint heartbeat in the distance! As if there’s a person within a 45-mile radius! Let’s investigate…

Suddenly, Superman #2 appears behind Superman and Krypton, and Superman is floored that he was able to be snuck up on like that.

“Are you from Krypton, like me?” Superman asks in awe.

“No. I was born on Earth, Clark. 851 thousand years from tomorrow.”

Great. Time-travelling nimrods. Anyway, Kal Kent of 853,000 AD (although it should be CE instead, you unwoke scum). He’s part of the Superman Squad! Hut hut hike! A group of Supermen who protect the structure of spacetime by fucking around outside of their own time, apparently.

All-Star Superman, Issue #6

Oh fucking great, just what I fucking needed today. Someone get me my lithium tablets.

So these Supermen all have fun introducing themselves and getting to know one another and it’s all one big happy orgy. Anyway, they’re all looking for a “chronovore monster” that they’ve been hunting across ten centuries so far. Have you see it? About yea big and yea high.

“It’s come here to die… and spawn,” says Kal. “The distinctive energy footprint of the beast can clearly be seen in this frozen light image.” He holds up something he stole from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.

Then the chronovore shows up. It’s a ball of little red balls with floating limbs and teeth. It is pretty scary, I have to admit. For a child. It’s all like raaawwwwwrrr lmao

“It’s aging everything it touches! It… it just turned Farmer Stone’s cows into the hamburgers they were destined to become!” Superman cries out as if this was even close to an awful thing. Sounds pretty fucking sweet to me. Well, good thing Klzzyzyzk Kzlazznazalt brought his “handy hyperpoon” with which they can “spear” the chronovore and “chain it with 5-D snares” until their “teammates” get there with their “tesseract cage”. The rest of the Supermen make slow jerkoff motions with their hands.

So, as it were, Clark’s getting in the way. The rest can, and will, and should, and shall, handle this without him! “I’m going with them!” he insists. “This is my home! These are my people to protect!” The rest are like “hands off, girlfriend”, but Superman blasts Kal with lasers and proclaims to the room at-large that something smells stinky and fishy.

All-Star Superman, Issue #6

Sloppy seconds again, Kzrtrzkzkkz Kntntlkplkzl? Thanks.

Clark tries to take down Kal, but Kal is too quick and fast and strong and smart and brave and cunning and dashing for him. Kal says Clark’s solar powers are merely in their infancy, no match for the swarthy talent of Kal from 853,000 CE! “Oh yeah?” Clark argues. “I have my dog!”

Good comeback, chump. The chronovore continues ravaging the land, turning animals into the food by-products they so richly deserve to be anyway. Meanwhile, one of Jon Kent’s “farmhands” congratulates him on a “heck of a harvest”. “You boys did a fine job,” Jon Kent responds even though they’ve only known each other since this morning. Oh wait, I get it, it’s chronovore time. Something about selling the farm and uprooting from Smallville. Whatever, I do not care.

Krzztl Krztztzlzl has the chronovore pulling him by a chain. He’s doing nothing to stop the chronovore, but he thinks he is.

“I tried to warn you,” Kal Kent mumbles as he witnesses Clark tackle the chronovore. “If you face the chronovore, it will eat a precious three minutes of your life. And in those three minutes… Jon Kent suffered a fatal heart attack.”

And here I am all like “what?” Incredible storytelling! Grant Morrison, you’re the best of the best and I’ve told this to a lot of orphans over the years.

Suddenly, in the midst of his fight, Clark can’t hear his Pa’s heart beating. “PA! PA!” This is Clark yelling “pa”. “PA! NOT MY PA! I CAN SAVE HIM!” He flies away.

All-Star Superman, Issue #6

Doofus.

…and finds his father dead in front of a dang scarecrow. Probably scared him to death! Ma always told him to get rid of the dang scarecrow!

“I CAN SAVE EVERYBODY! AAAAAA!” Superman screams, hair on fire. Laughing hard at this.

Nobody saves anyone. Next thing we all know, Clark has squeezed himself into a black suit and is now giving the eulogy. “Jonathan Kent taught me that the strong have to stand up to the weak and bullies need to be bullied back.” How very eloquent. The emotional capacity of a third-grader.

The funeral is full of sad faces as if people are sad or something. “He taught me that a good heart is worth all the money in the bank.”

Ma looks fat in her fat veil. “He taught me that the measure of a man lies not in what he says but what he does.”

The three imposter Supermen were allowed at the funeral too, for some fool-ass reason. “And he showed me by example how to be tough, and and how to be kind and how to dream of a better world.”

Much later, Clark is packing up to return to Metropolis. He doesn’t want to go, but he must. The big city beckons him! “I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” Clark says, hands in his face. Ma comforts him, even though it really should be the other way around. Ma lost a husband. Clark didn’t lose a husband!

The other three Supermen, far off in the fields, commiserate. Apparently, the chronovore is destined for the celestial zoo at Squad HQ, so they need to return to 853,500 CE. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Mr. Bandaged Superman can finally take off his bandages, revealing himself to be Mr. Regular Superman! What a twist! “Thanks for the opportunity to see my Pa one last time,” he says, as if this could possibly be a treat to anyone.

Sorry, I’m hard on Jon Kent. Probably because he looks like he smells.

All-Star Superman, Issue #6

SuperBlondeWoman, Goldman Sachs, and Who-Cares-Boy!

Gold Superman has an indestructible flower from New Krypton! Consider it a gift for being so dang super! “For him, from all of us. In remembrance of all that we are. And all that we will be.”

Final Thoughts

Fucking lame-ass fucking bullshit lame-ass shit. This sucks my ass. Stupid bullshit! Fuck fuck fuck *twitch* FUCK *twitch* STUPID COCKSUCKER!

Sorry, my Tourette’s is acting up again. I hate it when that happens! *wink*


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