Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1 – “After the Fall (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1 – “After the Fall (Part 1)”! And so I begin the canonical Season 6 of Angel. Far out man.

Since I haven’t yet binged through Angel in my Fantasy/Sci-Fi Diaries, and I won’t for another 45 years, I have to go by memory from literally 15 years ago when I watched Season 5. I don’t remember any of it! Angel and Spike were playing grab-ass in the Hyperion Hotel. There’s a 99.5% chance I’ll be reading through these comics without a single idea of what’s going on!

So let’s get cracking, bitches.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1 [November, 2007]
Written by: Bryan Lynch / Joss Whedon
“After the Fall (Part 1)”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1

“It all started with a girl.” Doesn’t it always? Scourge of the Earth. Scourge of the seas. Girls. “I joined a corporation that was, quite literally, evil incarnate. I thought I could channel their resources into something positive.”

Well, good going Angel. Trying to channel Evil into something positive. Aren’t you 10,000 years old, sir? Why haven’t you learned a thing? “I didn’t change them. They changed me. Then they killed her. That opened my eyes. I took a stand.”

I don’t know what he’s talking about. I haven’t watched Angel in 15 years! He’s trying to avenge someone’s death, whoever she may be. Angel is fighting a very large dragon who is, as I write this, breathing hella fire at him and a bunch of winged demon creatures. Angel stabs one of these creatures with a “SNURT”, which is now my favorite comic book onomatopoeia thus far. This dragon is also an employee of Wolfram & Hart. We’ll get to that in a minute.

A young woman emerges from a store. The group she is with is looting. She insists that she’s not looting. She’s looting. “Everything’s fine,” Angel says. “Resume your looting.”

They don’t resume their looting. Angel gives the woman a slip of paper and tells her to take a car and go to that address. No stopping home to pick up belongings. No needless trips to Denny’s. “Do you know what’s going on?” she asks. He lies and tells her no.

“Everyone wants to know what they could have possibly done wrong to be in this situation,” Angel thinks as we, the audience, are still STUMPED as to what exactly is happening. When the woman asks who they should say sent them, the dragon flies away saying “You shouldn’t.”

Wolfram & Hart had sent an army. “There were losses on both sides. And then Wolfram & Hart sent Los Angeles to Hell.”

How very dramatic! Give the guy a drama award. For Best Drama. “The more powerful creatures conquered and divided the town. Hunting any human that wasn’t going along with their game plan. And Wolfram & Hart, always a fan of irony, in addition to torture, dropped me where it all began.”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1

WESLEY WYNDAM-PRYCE, AT YOUR SERVICE, M’LADY.

Angel heads back into the empty law firm. He’s the only guy taking calls right now. Calls and walk-ins! There’s a walk-in right now, in fact. Burge, Lord of Downtown L.A. (pfffft).

And his Large Adult Son, who slams Angel’s face against a wall. Burge asks him how work has been lately. Been busting heads? Killing a lot of demons and monsters and evangelical Christian-types? “LET ME FLAY THE VAMPIRE AND WEAR HIS SKIN AS A SPAWNING CLOAK,” screeches Burge’s Large Adult Son. Apparently, Angel fucked up some of Burge’s henchmen or something. It’s unclear. Burge’s son lifts Angel by the neck, but stop when Wesley enters the office looking INTIMIDATING and BELLIGERENT.

Angel defends himself! Burge’s men were trying to kill people, he was only retaliating in kind! “Now, Angel, I’m sure they weren’t trying to kill the humans,” Wes coos. “They were trying to enslave them.”

Boo! Hiss! Rawr! Burge wants Wes to “keep his vampire on a leash”, and Wes assures the monsters that the actions of Angel McDoogle the Vampire do not represent the actions of Wolfram & Hart and its subsidiary companies. Amen.

The decision is final: go away and don’t kill Angel, please. Burge’s son is like “CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT WE’RE HEARING, FATHER?!” and Burge is like “Cork it, son. If Angel kills one more, then maaaaayyybbeee we’ll come back and get him. But, for now, there’s a TV dinner with my name on it back home.”

Burge’s son still wants blood, so he throws Angel aside and attempts to rip his arm through Wes’ abdomen. The arm goes right through him as if he were a ghost! Boooooo!! There must be some explanation for this that I don’t remember, but it doesn’t get re-explained, Maybe he’s a hologram? Maybe he’s in the 14th dimension? Don’t know, don’t care, let’s keep on moving…

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1

Angel the Bad Boy. No wonder all the ladies SWOON.

Wes asks how the latest rounds were. They were fine. Did they all go to the same place. Yes. OK, cool.

These two are boring! What else is going on?

That one woman and her posse have driven to the secret Santa Monica address on Angel’s piece of paper. They don’t trust this, as they put it, “kinda handsome” young man to not send them to another trap.

…they open the door to the building…

…and there’s a whole dang group of people and demon-types hanging out in there, staring at the newest entrants…

“See? Our chances were better on the outside. These demons can assume human form.” I believe this guy talking is named Denny, and he already sucks. The inhabitants of the secret residence begin to assess these newcomers. Sniffing and the like. Sensing racing hearts. Animal instincts of fear and pants-pooping.

Licking.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN…NUGGETS…

The licked woman starts freaking out. I don’t know her name yet. The licking woman is a werewolf, and since the sun AND the full moon is out at the same time… well, it’s a confusing mix. She didn’t mean it. She swears. Sorta.

Then that piece of shit Connor shows up. You remember Connor, right? Vincent Kartheiser? Fuckin’ Pete Campbell. He assures these sniffing and licking ANIMALS that Angel sent them. He can tell because of reasons.

Connor calls these mofos his family. I’m not impressed.

Ugh, back to Angel, who is now disgustingly shirtless, by the way. He sustained a pretty big wound on his chest, and although vampires are immortal unless they get a sunburn or they use a can opener too close to their neck, sustaining a pretty big wound on the chest is still not good stuff. Wes gave Angel some sort of giant magic spider that’s supposed to heal him, but he’s very skeptical. Apparently, healing supplies are low, so weird spiders are all they have. Wes is going to snoop around the building and see if Wolfram & Hart has anything cool they can use for their war-related endeavors.

Angel throws the spider to the wayside and Wes chides him for writhing and squirming under the malice of Burge and his Awful Son. Angel is like “look buddy, you kill one and 400 more will take his place”. “I wish I could’ve taken the lords down one-by-one as they popped up, but fighting wasn’t really an option. Moving wasn’t really an option. Your superiors saw to that.”

Wes is confused that Angel is sending innocent civilians over to Connor’s House of Orgies and Pancakes, but Angel tells him to stuff it.

“I’m working on a way out of here,” Angel says. “I just need the right firepower.”

“We’re not leaving, trust me,” Wes replies. “I would like more than anything to be released from my contract. I would literally give anything to move on.”

It’s at this point in the comic book that I regret all my efforts in catching up with Buffy comics since I don’t know what the fuck any of these people are talking about. I ain’t rewatching Season 5 of Angel! That shit’s for babies!

Wes advises Angel to start figuring shit out quickly around here before someone else – who might be devilishly dangerous, by the way – does. Angel harumphs and parumphs.

Speaking of not knowing what the fuck is going on, we turn to Westwood where some blue-glowing skeleton named Kr’ph (who claims to rule everything west of Beverly Hills) enslaves five almost-naked women and tries to get six men to fight each other in the newly converted battle arena (football stadium). The dudes, who used to have occupations like “cop” and “bouncer” and “taffy salesman”, don’t really wanna fight. Kr’ph gets a telepathic fish to force them to fight using brain powers, even though the fish doesn’t really want to do it. I’m not at all making this up.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1

See? What the godless fuck am I even reading here??

“Ha! They are scared because they know I am Kr’ph!” he says of the “warriors” and the lady slaves. Kr’ph’s magic fish sense a disturbance in the Force. Namely, there appear to be some dudes in robes “screaming because they’re angry” as they approach Kr’ph and his posse of demons that are also kinda just hanging around.

His fish gets shot in the face with a flying arrow. That sucks. The demons try to protect Kr’ph, but they’re all very bad at it. So they die too. Kr’ph begins bargaining for his life.

“You hear that, Gunn? Man wants to help us get what we want.”

“Oh, I know he can,” replies Gunn, the most boring character in all of Angel. “He’s just not going to be the biggest fan of how.”

Gunn reaches into Kr’ph the squishy glowing skeleton and pulls out his glowing, yellow heart. It looks like a golden egg. He triumphs after retrieving it! Gunn then hits on the almost-naked women, who seem receptive. Gross!

“I was told not to leave the building,” Angel thinks. “Not one step. I was also told that everything I was doing was wrong. A friend said it, face to transparent face. Thing is… everything’s different. And I don’t know who told him to say it. But… it doesn’t mean he was wrong.”

Burge’s son and a few of his hench-demons, I’m assuming, circle around a small group of hapless people. “ANGEL KILLED SIX OF MY MEN! I KILL SIX OF HIS HUMANS!”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #1

Like the Bruce Wayne of Los Angeles. Like the Bruce Wayne of being of a vampire. Like the Bruce Wayne of kinda sucking a little bit.

Angel throws a desk at them. The people run away while the demons are like “whut whut what happened huh”. Then Burge’s son gets IRATE, to say the least. His father TOLD Angel he couldn’t leave the building! Recompense! Recompense!

Angel throws a stake through Burge’s nameless son’s eye with a SQUITCH, which I think is a Quidditch reference! Now war has been declared! “You have no idea what you have done!” screams one of the demons. “I’ve declared war, you just said,” Angel responds.

The demons scamper away. While this may be exactly what Wolfram & Hart wants, fuck ‘em. Let them think they’re in charge, I always say. Well, Angel always says it. And by that I mean, he says it only once.

“Wolfram & Hart has taken away everything I had. Everyone I cared about. Everything I was. But that’s how I’m going to win.”

Meanwhile, some bald vampire bastard is feasting upon a gaggle of almost-naked women. I don’t think that these are the same almost-naked women. The end.

Final Thoughts

Jesus Christ, I jumped into the deep end here. No mercy on making sure you are up to speed on the WB Network sensation of Angel. Hopefully some more context starts filling in these canyon-sized gaps that I’m grappling with!

David Boreanaz’s dad was a professional weatherman. See you next time.


Click here to ridicule this post!

The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 32: “Dangerous Words”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Off to Barthanes’ manor where the elite meet to rub elbows, enjoy a fun game of Daes Dae’mar, powder their noses, and fondle penises. They have roles to play: Rand is a High Lord, Mat is his servant. Ingtar is a High Lord, Hurin is his servant. Verin is there as the resident “don’t fuck with me” Aes Sedai. I forget why Loial is there; perhaps to be the resident large stuffed animal. Mat and Hurin are to snoop around to see if they can catch word about Darkfriends and/or Horn and Dagger business. Rand and Ingtar are to have friendly conversations with the room full of rich white people, who are boggling at Rand’s presence. Particular attention is paid to Rand’s heron sword, the importance of which is still a fat mystery to me because either a) it hasn’t been revealed yet, or b) I hella haven’t been good at reading comprehension! The latter is way more likely, I assure you all.

Barthanes ends up cornering Rand into a conversation, which mainly drifts toward King Galldrian and the big statue that’s getting excavated outside of town. Barthanes sizes the kid up, trying to grill him for information about who he is and how he came to be. He pegs Rand as an Aiel, but Rand denies it. Barthanes’ interest is PIQUED. Meanwhile, Loial senses a Waygate near the premises.

Rand moseys to another room where he finds Thom Merrilin performing and three women who throw themselves at him. Rand, not Thom. Thom is a geezer, and Rand is a handsome 7’6″ drink of water. When Rand has a chance to speak to Thom, Thom insists that he’s not involved in any of the Daes Dae’mar or Aes Sedai business. Not now, not ever. Goddamnit!

Before Rand has a chance to check into what Mat is up to, Thom warns Rand that the White Tower is the originator of Daes Dae’mar, and he had best watch his back.

Because if Rand doesn’t watch his back…

…then who cares?


Click here to ridicule this post!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Luke Skywalker gets kidnapped by some Hutt named Grakkus, a collector of rare and precious galactic artifacts. Such as that lightsaber *points* and that possible last Jedi *points*. And now he gets to go to an arena and fight for Grakkus the Hutt’s amusement! Expect this for the bulk of the issue.

Meanwhile, Han, Leia, and Sana escape the planet and the Imperial TIE fighters. I don’t know where they’re going yet. I don’t even think they do. Maybe Tijuana?

Mon Mothma and her gang caught wind that Luke Skywalker has been kidnapped. Chewbacca and C-3PO offer to rescue him! Again, why anyone would put any effort into Luke Skywalker is beyond my understanding. Maybe I’ll have that lightbulb moment someday (but not today, or ever).

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10 [December, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 3)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10

Han, Leia, and Sana are flying in Sana’s ship while they get continuously shot at by TIE fighters and a Star Destroyer. Sana is tasked with getting them out of there. Han and Leia are doing the blasty blasty. Instead of focusing 100% on avoiding these bad guys, she starts dunking on the Millennium Falcon. “I bet Han told you all about Kessel Run. He loves to bring that up. Makes the Falcon sound like the fastest ship in all the galaxy.”

And it would be, but Sana’s ship is faster. Feast your butts on THIS: *hyperdrive*

“Welcome to the Volt Cobra. The ship Han wishes he had.”

Yeah, let’s all whip out our dicks and grab our rulers. That’ll get them away from the Empire faster.

Speaking of that Millennium Falcon hunk of shit, Chewie and C-3PO have flown to Nar Shaddaa in pursuit of Luke “Bonertown” Skywalker. C-3PO thinks the place smells and has absolutely no hangups about staying back in the ship while Chewie infiltrates Grakkus’ quarters and nunchucks him six ways from Sunday.

That doesn’t happen, of course. I like to think that Chewbacca picked that robot up and dropkicked him out of the ship. C-3PO is rather nervous as he meanders the mean streets! But then he comes across a group of rather grumpy-looking droids.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10

Hello chums! It would be corking if you could all be dears and point me in the direction of my heterosexual, platonic boyfriend.

One of the droids is like “yeah, yeah, we saw him, yeah, he went thattaway” and leads C-3PO into a dead end immediately. After cornering Everyone’s Favorite Protocol Droid, the tough ruffian droids brandish a circular saw and intend to cut him into various parts in order to siphon out his precious oils.

Chewie shows up out of nowhere and beats them all up. He doesn’t beat up C-3PO, but I would’ve been fine with it and would have merely considered it collateral damage.

“To reiterate…” C-3PO says and Chewie rips limbs off these droids, “we’re looking for a friend of ours. Any assistance would be most appreciated.”

Chewie all like “WWWWWWWGGHH!”

Cut to Luke Skywalker, whose wrists are cuffed with sexy red lasers as he’s led forcibly to the fightin’ arena. “You may have opened some holocrons, but that doesn’t make you a Jedi.”

This fellow talking is the Gamemaster, an appellation that made me snort ten pounds of Doritos up my nose. He’s going to fight the young Tatooinian to put on a good show!

“I won’t fight for the enjoyment of some Hutt,” frowns Luke.

“Yes, you will,” responds THA MUTHAFUCKIN GAMEMASTA.

Gamer drops some info about the Jedi. They gone. The Jedi Temple? The one on Coruscant? It gone. “It’s the Imperial Palace now. Whatever you were hoping to find there is gone. All the Temples are gone. Just like the Jedi themselves.” It’s possible that everything remaining about the Jedi exists only in Grakkus’ holocrons! Wouldn’t that be sad for you, Luke? lol

Cuffs are removed and GameMan throws Luke his lightsaber. Fight time!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10

Pretty lame already, kid.

“Congratulations. You’re already dead. And half the people haven’t even found their seats yet. Get up.”

LUKE SKYWALKER WILL NEVER GET UP! AND— oh.

With a stupid look of determination on his face, Luke readies his glowy sword and starts whipping it around like a flyswatter. Meanwhile, C-3PO still asks around Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON, IN CASE YOU HAD FORGOTTEN) for his good buddy Lucas Skywalkerus. He and Chewie end up in the very same bar where Luke drew all that attention to himself and got his lightsaber stolen.

The barkeep doesn’t take too kindly to droids. Or Wookiiees. Neither are allowed in the bar! So scram!

Chewie does his famous Chewbacca impression, which C-3PO translates as, and I’m paraphrasing, “get the fuck out of the bar right now if you don’t want to get hurt”. The clientele just stare at him passively. Fighting ensues.

So Luke is having his battle with the arena’s guards and their own purple cattle prods, which seems completely unfair. Grakkus the Hutt enters the arena and asks how Luke is doing. GameStop tells him that the boy is strong in the Force, but weak in the bowels. Good enough to fight Darth Vader and die doing it, as is the plan. Heh heh HA HA HA grrrrrrrhrbburble. “Excitement is already building,” Grakkus drools. “Every crime lord on Nar Shaddaa wants to see the Last Stand of the Jedi. I expect a packed house.”

Grakkus has brought in a special beast for such an occasion! Luke won’t be fed to some random monster, oh no. Only the best. “Mother of Moons,” gasps GameBoy. “Even if he was a Jedi, I don’t think he’d last long against that.”

Time to add a Jedi to Grakkus’ collection of “things that have been killed in his arena”. The list also includes bugs and toads. And Chuck Mangione.

Oh yeah, I forgot that Han and Leia were still flying around.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10

I’m rolling my eyes so hard it’s making me shit.

Sana still insists that Han married her. Han still insists that he never married nobody. Leia doesn’t care.

“Too bad for Luke, whoever that is,” Sana grumbles. “But unlike my husband here, I haven’t succumbed to the seductive wiles of the Rebellion.” Han isn’t listening, he’s wondering why Luke is anywhere near Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON, IN CASE YOU FORGOT).

Leia offers Sana money for assistance, but Sana doesn’t want her money. She just wants Han back. Han tells Leia to ignore her, but Leia agrees to Sana’s terms! We all have a good laugh at Harrison Ford’s expense. Sana immediately sets a course for Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON, IN CASE Y–).

Chewie holds the bartender over the edge of a tall building by one leg. “I really would tell him what he wants to know,” C-3PO tells the bartender politely. “He’s quite unreasonable when he’s like this.”

“Yes! Grakkus has your friend! You can see his palace from here! It’s to the east! Just past the skyslums!” Then he laughs, because Luke’s going to die fighting nimrods in Grakkus’ slummy arena. Chewie drops the bartender. We all have a good laugh at Harrison Ford’s expense, because why not?

We end the issue with an unknown figure talking to one of those fucking Binks individuals. I don’t remember what they called, but Jesus Cunting Christ, guys.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #10

MESA FILL MY PANTS WITH POOP! MESA TWIST OWN BALLS WITH PLIERS!

The reveal is that this Binks nerd is talking about Chewbacca and Han Solo to a bounty hunter I don’t know. I’m probably supposed to know him, but I don’t. The end.

Final Thoughts

OH SNAP. MEESA WEESA LOOKSIE LOOKSIE ATSA MEESA WOOBLY WOOBLY!! YOUSA SCOOOOOO-BLY! WAH HA!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 13 – “Countdown”

* Part 5 of 9 of Vol. 2 – “Confluence” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 13: “Countdown”! In the previous installment, Raye Penber’s fiancée, who had remained nameless until now (her name is Shouko), visits the police station with the intention of giving them everything she has so far speculated and narrowed down about the Kira case. Raito spends some time talking to her, and wouldn’t you know it, she has everything figured out! Everything, right down to the last detail, is correct from her speculations. The only thing she doesn’t know is Kira’s identity.

Raito, once again, faces an obstacle! But it doesn’t matter. A dead woman can’t blab.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“God”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

lol, nice cover. “USING INTELLIGENCE” … “TO DISCERN”. That’s arguable.

“No matter how she came up with the information, everything she deducted is true. I MUST GET RID OF HER,” Raito cries and whines. Panics. It’s like, let’s just blow up the Death Note. Just send it flying like a frisbee and then skeet shoot the shit out of it. How’s that for an idea? The no one will ever find you, you little piss-pants.

Back in the previous chapter, when Raito was talking to Shouko in the police station he did his best to hide his face from the police cameras so that no one could read his lips. As if anyone watching the cameras in the security office was going to read lips at all. They were reading the M’s on their M&M’s with much concentration and focus! But at least it’s one less thing to worry about I GUESS. I’d still launch that thing like a frisbee.

Raito spends a good two pages stalking the poor woman as she walks away. When noticed, she doesn’t spray him with some of her pepper spray with 16,000,000 Scoville units. That would rule, but she doesn’t. And I’ll always hate her for that.

“I’m thinking about what you said earlier,” Raito tells her creepily. “I think we should investigate what you said as soon as possible to solve this case.”

Ok, don’t leave it up to the people getting paid to sort of do that already, son. Shouko is taken aback by his sudden interest! She fumbles for her 2-liter can of pepper spray, but then thinks better of it.

“Have you told anybody else what you’ve told me?” Raito asks, and who was she going to tell? Her mailman? Her milkman? Her cobbler? Her glass blower?

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

Go hoho yourself, Krampus.

Raito pulls out some notepaper, and looks suspiciously like death notepaper! He starts pretending to take down some information, like what day the hijacking occurred, but here’s what he’s really writing:

“Maki Shouko. Suicide. 2004, January 1st, 1:15pm. A place only she knows. Somewhere hidden and secluded. The body should be difficult to discover. All clues point to suicide. Within the next 48 hours.”

Hot damn! Raito’s gonna send her ass to the Japanese Suicide Forest! How very trite. They’re going to smell this one 75 miles away, or my name isn’t… *checks blog header* …Tom Writesaboutstuff.

“She’s pretty smart, so she should hide herself well,” Raito muses as his pointy friend “ho ho ho ho ho ho ho”s behind him. “Your laughter is stranger than normal, Ryuuku. Do you find something especially funny?”

This is what it sounds like when a Shinigami has a stroke, kiddo. They look like the Joker with a broom up the ol’ butt chute and pretend to be Demonic Santa. He doesn’t tell the kid what’s so funny. He probably fucked something up in the note and there will be a big loophole where Shouko throws a ninja star through Raito’s eyeball before shouting “SUICIDE”, pressing the side of Raito’s head against the side of her own head, and passing a shotgun bullet through both in succession! Surprise! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

We wouldn’t want that. We wouldn’t want her to miss her “GO DIE!!” appointment.

Shouko chit-chats with Raito for a little bit longer. She wants to let the investigation team know in person what she has figured out all by her lonesome. ESPECIALLY after hearing what Raito had to say (whatever that was, I fucking forgot and don’t care). When they start walking again, Raito all but licks his lips deliciously. Very very interested in how this woman plans to commit suicide in ten seconds. Maybe she’ll drop a toaster in her bathtub! No, argh, she’s not even close to her bathtub! Well, I’m fresh out of ideas.

“We’ll definitely catch Kira,” Shouko says while the kid’s mind is filled with thought balloons of “?!” and “??!?” and “?”. It’s already way past 1:15! It’s, like, 1:17! Why isn’t this woman’s brains smeared all over his shirt and pants?! This is an outrage of the highest magnitude! A 9.7 on the Outrage Richter Scale!

“Weird, why isn’t she doing anything?” Raito asks himself with mere puzzlement instead of the OUTRAGE I crave. “I’ve made a criminal hang himself before… He did what I wrote, so I know the method works…”

We see a dramatic panel of the handwritten word “suicide” with some kind of hypodermic needle in front of it. Like an afterschool special that warns against the dangers of both suicide AND hypodermic needles. That was a good one.

Raito looks like his puppy was punted off a bridge. This woman isn’t dead and she’s going to tell his dad everything. Everything. Daddy Yagami is going to send his son to the gulag to eat rats. This is an OUTRAGE! I just–

“HO HO. HO HO HO.”

And then there’s this pasty clown laughing at him ever since he put pen to paper. Is there nitrous oxide in the air? He wrote down her name, and then he starting ho-ing, and then…

Wait a minute. Her name? That’s the ticket! It must not be the real name! Some other woman is suiciding right now as we speak, drowning herself in a bucket of SpaghettiOs in the secluded, dusty closet of a long-abandoned industrial building. What the hell is he going to do now? “That’s right. Ryuuku can see people’s names with his eyes. That’s why he was laughing!”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

You mean to tell me his name isn’t “Vanilla Ice”?!?

Yes, it was quite a chuckle! Ziggy comics ain’t got nothing on this! Very funny stuff!

“This woman. She’s been cautious from the start.”

Well, why wouldn’t she be? She’s got a bullseye on her back, and Kira keeps shooting blanks at it.

“That’s right! She believes that her husband died because he gave his name!”

Well done, Sparky. Rayemund Prenflbler wasn’t her husband, but close enough. You earned your cookie.

“Shit… it’ll be hard to ask for her real name when she told me her fake one…”

Yeah, good luck. Maybe you can sneak into her house and find her electric bill before she makes her way to the weird Sex Hotel where the orgy with L is currently happening. Happy New Year! But how will Raito avoid arousing suspicion when parts of his supple little body are already aroused? That’s too much arousal already!

Shouko, or whatever her name is. I’ll go back to calling her Faye. So Faye wants to head back to the Police Investigation Headquarters Building of Crime Stopping Initiatives (or the simple mnemonic device: PIHBCSI = Penguin in Hell Bury Cancer Sticks Inside…). Raito is like, fuck dude. Now everything I do might be hella suspicious. Gotta figure something out before I continue looking exponentially hella suspicious with each passing second.

Oh yeah, Raito promised in the previous chapter that he’d call his father for her. “I… what am I doing?” he asks himself after even considering calling his deadbeat dad. “My head is so messed up right now.”

Yeah, I’m really freaking out too, man. His beeper keeps beeping and oh man… oh man… why does he have a beeper in 2004? That’s the worst part of this whole ordeal.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

Sure, what kind of force are you going to use? Pants-creaming force?

While Raito is contemplating pushing this woman to the ground in broad daylight or something just to get her driver’s license, Ryuuku keeps right on “ho ho ho”ing like this kid following this woman is the FUNNIEST GODDAMN THING ON THE PLANET!

This woman is too careful. All these cameras have seen them. She hasn’t even given her real name. How is he going to figure this one out? Hey, her ass looks tight has hell in those jeans. Come on, man, focus.

“Raito, we can switch eyes at any time,” Ryuuku reminds his hapless buddy, “all it takes is a few seconds.”

As you may remember from some chapter that I won’t link to because I don’t want to reread any of this old shit, having the ability to see through a Shinigami’s eyes allows one to know the name of the person right away. BUT, it cuts your lifespan in half. WHAT A PICKLE.

“Losing half my life for this woman? You must be joking,” Raito says. It’s his turn to start with the ho-ho-hos! “No, this exchange is never worth it.”

He’ll probably change his tune on Chapter 107. Instead of getting hit by that bus four days later, he’ll get hit by that bus two days later. End of book.

“Shouko” stops, turns around, and asks the kid if he still needs to go to the police station. She’ll be fine on her own, so get lost.

………………… okay.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

We’d rather you hammer us than nail us! Hee hee hee. Ho ho ho.

Meanwhile, at Casa de L, whose real name I fucking forgot because who gives a hell shit, L is satisfied after a barrage of questions that no one in the room is actually Kira. He pensively chews on a fingernail while looking at them with his buggy, doleful, mascaraed eyes.

Oh yeah, Ryuuzaki. How could I forget? When asked how he had finally deduced this information, he answers cryptically with “I got a plan… it’s a test that none of you are aware of.”

How very reassuring, weirdo! Ryuuzki L Salamanca’s phone rings and he answers it. One detective is rather pissed because L told the rest of them to keep their cellphones OFF. The detective grits his teeth because he misses checking all those half-naked woman Twitter accounts and those tweets with the 156k likes that say something like “she don know what he don know ya know :CRYING-LAUGHING-EMOJI”.

It’s Watari. He’s going to join the party! He’s bringing the dip. I hope someone brought the chips! Or at least their own spoons.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 13

GREAT SCOTT!

Watari shows up and he’s an old man. An old man who is friends with L. Like Doc Brown was friends with Marty McFly, and we all know how appropriate that was.

“You must be thinking ‘this old geezer is Watari?’” he addresses them geezerly, “Ryuuzaki has told you everything, correct? Ryuuzaki must really trust you all if he let you see my face.”

The detectives in the room are all making undignified “GUHH!!” faces.

Watari has a small case containing five badges on crushed velvet, purchased by L himself. Watari is instructed to pass them out; these will be your new badges. Throw out your old ones! Right in the garbage. NOW!

“Your name and position must be anonymous,” Watari explains, and then L chimes in to say it’s because Kira can kill those of whom he knows their names. Like WE DON’T ALREADY KNOW. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION. STOP SAYING IT, IT’S BEEN 14 CHAPTERS. STOP IT.

Half are torn that they are to use fake badges. The other half are like “GUHH!! KIRA WILL KILL ME HE KNOWS MY NAME IS JIMMY SMITS!!”

Jimmy Smits wins out!

We end with Raito and the woman. He’s nervous. She’s five minutes from reaching the police station, and with her information she’ll blab everything. He’s a prime suspect! He’ll get the brig, and it won’t be one of those fun brigs. It’ll be one of those mean brigs with the mean people in it! He shudders to think.

HE’S UNDER THE GUN! NAME, NAME, WHAT’S HER NAME.

Final Thoughts

Just find a gun and shoot her in the neck, you dullard.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “…and most of the costumes stay on…”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Game storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “…and most of the costumes stay on…”!

What? What’s this now? Back to New 52? Right in the middle of my run through All-Star Superman? Yes, that’s right. I’m taking a break to hit what I’ve heard is one of the most godawful comic series this side of the millennium. This is about 20% out of sheer curiosity, and 80% out of working toward my goal of hitting the Night of the Owls event before I die of old age and rotting bones!

Plus, these New 52 issues go by fairly quickly, so I don’t expect the excruciating pain to last too long anyway. Besides… you know… how bad could it really be… ?

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Judd Winick
“…and most of the costumes stay on…”

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

OK, well, Selina Kyle is on the cover splayed out on the side of the building with a loose bra by her side. That’s a start.

“Life isn’t without risk. You hear that bon mot a lot. But mostly around business. Or dating. Or eating fried food from street vendors…”

Selina garbs herself up in her leather Catwoman gear.

“…but we take risks all the time, every day, in a thousand ways. Driving a car. Talking to a stranger. Jay-walking. Those are the little ones we don’t even think about.”

Selina stuffs about 36 cats into one portable carrier.

“It’s the big ones that make it interesting. At least for me, it is.”

A group of skull mask-wearing brutes busts into her apartment and starts chain-gunning the shit out of the place! Leather suit only halfway on, she does a backflip out of her window (while smiling), carrying her brood of angry, feral cats! “I have no idea who these guys are. Well, I got some idea. They’re apparently some dudes who I’ve ragingly pissed off and have managed to find out where I live.” That’s very poetic, Selina. Sounds like you can’t even backflip your way out of a haiku.

Selina hops along the rooftops. She knows these guys are ransacking her apartment looking for something she may or may not have taken! Too bad they won’t find anything but, and I quote, “bras, books, wine, and cat food”. Cats get to eat food, but Selina herself eats bras and books. No wonder she’s so thin.

She stands back with fiery eyes as she watches her apartment get torched and blown up. Now, all of a sudden, she needs money and a place to stay. So she hits up fellow cat lady Lola. Who was a showgirl! How about that, huh? *snooze*

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Someone tries to kill me every day and I’m a right as rain!

Of course, Lola is concerned and offers her place to crash. Selina doesn’t wanna impose, but Lola takes offense because she seems pretty touchy.

“I’m coming to you for help, aren’t I?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure I’m giving you the help you really need.”

“I’ll get it here or someplace else.”

“Okay.”

Thrilling conversation! I’m pleased as punch that I’m already almost halfway through Issue #1 and nothing has happened except an apartment got blown up for reasons that are probably not going to be explained.

Lola tells Selina that the Hotel Belle Monico penthouse will be empty for two weeks. She heard this piece of juicy information from the cleaning crew, which she knows personally! “If you’re quiet, you can squat.”

Yeah, squat right over her face and take a big–

“Love it. Thank you, Lola.” Selina gives the woman a big ol’ hug. Lola also may have a job for her. That’s a double whammy of good luck! Now all she needs is a good lay. Is Batman available these days? Heh heh. Yuck.

So, Selina heads on over to hotel where a Russian mob has booked a suite and hired a gaggle of prostitutes! Selina thought about posing as one of the prostitutes, but she didn’t want to be groped. Allegedly. “They make sure the escorts don’t speak Russian. This way they can unwind. But I know Russian. So I’ll be tending bar. And listening.”

Oooooh, espionage! Sexy stuff. Selina wears a long, red wig and listens in on all the dirt: Cars. Soccer. Penis size. DVD scams. Dead Asian mob lieutenants. Blah blah blah. Where’s the real dirt, goddamnit? This is piddling stuff! I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!

Man, there are no good panels here I can use for the commentary. How’s that for a bad sign? I’ll give it this, though – the art is fantastic. A real treat for the ol’ eyeballs.

OK, how about this panel. This is a good one.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Meh. Maybe not.

So, Selina overhears a couple of guys talk about stealing back a horse painting that another crew lifted off of them. It’s worthless, but it had been in the clan for over a hundred years! At this point, it’s bad luck not to have it.

“He’s willing to go to war over some worthless painting?”

“It’s not worthless if he wants to go to war over it. Because of that, it has great value.”

Ah, ok. Loud and clear. That definitively validates every war that has ever been fought. Good work, gentlemen. Selina is quite intrigued, though. If this painting is very valuable to some, then they’re willing to shell out a lot of cold, hard rubles to get it back.

Suddenly, Selina hears a voice she recognizes from a man named Renaldi. He should be locked up in prison right now! But he’s not! Why ain’t he?!

Selina has a past with this guy, but I don’t know what it might be whatsoever. Something weird and rapey. Anyway, she follows Renaldi into the bathroom and shows him her bare midriff and gives him the ol’ sex eyes.

“You are a bartender, right?”

“I am. But I have many other skills.”

“Vell. You should know… I am not easily impressed.”

“Good. I like a challenge.”

And then she, like, smashes his face against the sink counter top. Who’s easily impressed now? Bitch. She also slashes him with her sharp fingernails. Really fucks this guy up to high heaven! “GAAARRGHHH!” he is heard to scream.

Simply crazed, this chick.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

RRAAWWRR!! CHECK PLEASE!

“Damn it. Not watching the clock. My chloroformed barkeep is a lot less chloroformed. Can’t slink out of here unnoticed. So what?”

“Let them notice.”

So she turns into Catwoman immediately and whips her way through the room, cat o’ nine tailsing the shit out of the Russian clientele and their many, many whores. Just frothing into a frenzy, knocking out big, burly men and big, burly prostitutes with ease and grace. “Hookers screaming. Gangsters shouting in Russian. I barely hear it.” She slams a man into the wall with her knees, hard enough to crack the wall. “I just want to go home.”

In the penthouse suite at the Hotel Belle Monico where she’s squatting with her 17 cats, Selina misses her shitty, rundown apartment WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN Batman shows up to bid her some condolences WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN she starts laying some fat smooches on his face. “He tastes like metal. He uses an ointment or something to keep his exposed flesh safe. I’ve grown to like it. A lot.”

Batman pushes her away like “slow your roll, ho”.

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1

How about a roll in the hay, sailor.

He says he’s only hear to ask her what the holy fucking fuck she’s doing. Putting others in danger? Putting yourself in danger? Have you gone cuckoo bananas, lady?

So then she tackles him like a cuckoo bananas lady. Unhinged as all getout. Looney Tunes. After he is ground-bound, she kisses him again. Digs her claws into him like some sort of cat woman.

Then he starts ripping her clothes off.

“This isn’t the first time. Usually it’s because I want him. Tonight I think it’s because I need him. Every time… he protests. Then… gives in. And he seems… angry.”

Batman nibbles on Catwoman’s neck. Her eyes are rolled back like there’s anything sexy about this at all. There isn’t.

“But that doesn’t slow either of us down. Still… it doesn’t take long… and most of the costumes stay on…”

Final Thoughts

Cool fucking, idiots. I can already see why no one likes this trash.

Looking forward to Issue #2! See you in the funny papers, you sluts!


Click here to ridicule this post!