Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #9 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Han faces off with his so-called wife, Sana, as she attempts to retrieve Leia and turn her over to the Empire. Luke travels to Nar Shaddaa (the Smuggler’s Moon) where he smuggles and moons everyone in the seediest bar in town while trying to find someone to take him to Coruscant. While showing off his lightsaber moves, some shady character steals it and runs off with it.
Here’s my prediction: Han fucks his wife as a distraction to keep Leia safe. Leia becomes more jealous as the storyline progresses. Luke gets fatally wounded by a flying hockey puck during a Red Wings game.
Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #9 [November, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 2)”
Nar Shaddaa proves to be a very bad place to have something stolen from you. The urban metropolis is bustling with activity. Impossible to chase anyone down, but god-fucking-damnit, Luke Skywalker is gonna try! “Artoo! Where are you?!” Luke screams into his Fitbit. “We can’t let him get away! That lightsaber is all I have!” Awww, don’t be so hard on yourself, kiddo. You also have your intelligence (*snort*) and your charm (*snort*).
The thief hitches a ride on a flying penis-shaped car and snickers to himself. “Nice try, off-worlder! Too bad you roof-run like a farmer! Welcome to the Smuggler’s Moon! Ha!”
This guy is immediately put in his place when Luke zips by on his own craft, leaps from the edge, and grabs onto the guy’s leg. “Gotcha!” The magnetic hand that the thief is using to hang onto the bottom of the flying car starts to slip. “You’ll kill us both! Get off before the…”
And then “the…” happens. Both start falling to their impending deaths! Luke spends the duration of his descent trying to grab onto the falling lightsaber. They both crash-land on the ground and survive without a scratch. I’m not sure why. Seems dumb, but what do I know? I don’t write comic books.
“Shorted out… my magna-glove. You… how did you jump so… you’re insane.”
“No. I’m a Skywalker.”
You and your lazy eyeballs don’t intimidate me, Lucas.
Now that we’ve established that Luke is a Skywalker, we can pick up our lost lightsabers and move on with our day. He notices that the others from the bar have stopped chasing them down, and it’s because, as a nearby Hutt puts it, they’re in “Hutta Town” now. “Which means you and your pretty little saber of yours… belong to Grakkus the Hutt!”
Grakkus the Hutt looks like someone squatted and took a big, mushy green shit. And then put abs on it, as the case is here. Luke isn’t scared though, and for the fifth time in twenty minutes he makes a dumb face and flicks on that trusty lightsaber of his.
Meanwhile, back on Marital Dispute Planet, The TIE fighters have their targets in sight! Apprehend at all costs! Don’t let them get away, for the love of God, or Darth Vader will spank our butts! Now move!
Han finally spills the beans to his hunny-bunny that Leia’s not the only rebel standing before her. “I’m on the Empire most wanted list!” he cries at her, asking for his gun back. Leia is shooting advancing troops with her tiny laser pointer. She’s doing a much better job alone than 45 trained men. Then Han gets his gun back and joins the fray. Sana is beside herself with frustration.
Oh boo hoo. You’re the one who married this asshole. Grief it up, baby.
Once the troops have been temporarily neutralized, they all get onto Sana’s ship and book it from the planet.
Luke is spending his pleasant afternoon trying to cut down robots now. Battle droids? Grakkus the Hutt’s army of Tinker Toys? These guys are wielding cattle prods, and Luke gets a neckful of electricity. “Hnnrgh!” he is heard to utter.
“How do you like my magnaguards?” Grakkus jubilates ejaculatively. “They’re relics of the Clone War. Designed to battle Jedi Knights. Of which you are clearly not one.” He then asks where Luke, ahem, stole that lightsaber.
I want to know why Grakkus is speaking English right now. He doesn’t even have those <> symbols next to his words. Aren’t these Hutts supposed to be like HOOBA JERBA GLOOBA SNERBA? Is this an error?
Grakkus is informed by his informant that he was informed that Luke is trying to hike it over to Coruscant. Grakkus is like “NO! WELCOME TO THE SMUGGLER’S MOON, BEE-OTCH!” and knocks Luke out cold. He wakes up later in a dark room where Grakkus holds up a glowing 20-sided Dungeons and Dragons die. “Do you know what this is?”
Apparently, it’s an artifact of the Jedi. You see, Grakkus likes to collect Jedi artifacts. He enjoys that the Jedi are all dead and gone, and his hobby is reminding himself that the Jedi are all dead and gone by collecting trinkets and antiques like some midwestern grandmother. “That’s why your agent stole my lightsaber,” Luke guesses correctly. Bravo, smarty.
Or else I roll this thing and deal +8 weapon damage on your Gloobus Glaive.
Luke doesn’t know what it is, obviously, because he doesn’t know what anything is, obviously. He tries to use the Force while Grakkus counts to five, but the Force isn’t showing him anything because the Force isn’t a YouTube channel. Then he flails for Ben Kenobi to show him the way. And suddenly, a roomful of these dodecahedrons start lighting up and floating. Each reveals a hologram of a long-dead Jedi Knights. They each, in turn, spout of trite Jedi-isms like “Anger leads to hate” and “Trust only in the Force” and “Kirk was better than Picard”.
Luke goes cross-eyed while one tells him not to let their deaths be in vain. “Don’t let this be the end of the Jedi.”
“Well, what do you know?” Grakkus looks down his squishy Hutt eyes at Luke. “It appears you will make a fine addition to my collection after all. What you are, dear boy, is the Last Jedi.”
“And now you belong to me.”
Luke gets to go to the arena where he’ll fight! Stay tuned for a lot of this in Issue #10!
Sana flies away like fuck from the advancing TIE fighters. “They’re jamming our transmission! I can’t call for help!” Sana then decides to just try losing them in the thick, red atmosphere. Han wants to play pilot, please, but Sana tells him to go screw.
Elsewhere, that Mon Mothma lady is chatting with an old dude and Admiral “It’s a trap!” Ackbar. There’s a distress call from Luke Skywalker’s astromech droid. You know. R2-something. On Nar Shaddaa. The Smuggler’s Moon. He’s been kidnapped by a dang ol’ Hutt. The old guy is like, what the fucking fuck is Luke Skywalker doing on some shithole like Nar Shaddaa? Ackbar doesn’t care about such piffle, he just wants to know how they’re going to get him out of there.
Mothma claims they can’t. Hutts are untouchable, man. Have you seen… uh… it’s coming to me… Jabba? He makes women wear skimpy metal bikinis. They can’t compete with that!
So Luke’s on his own.
Except that Chewbacca is there to volunteer to rescue him.
Here’s his proposition:
“RRRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWHHH”
Final Thoughts
Why does anyone give a flying fuck-flip about Luke Skywalker? I’ve seen NO evidence in all my travels that this little pee-pants is worth even a millisecond of anyone’s time.
Obi-Wan Kenobi died for this kid. He’s the biggest idiot of them all.
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