All-Star Superman, Issue #5 – “The Gospel According to Lex Luthor”

* Part 5 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #5 – “The Gospel According to Lex Luthor”! In the previous installment, Jimmy Olsen gets to be Dr. Quintum for a day as part of his regular Daily Planet feature, and he fucks up by getting in trouble, making Superman come save him, and exposing him to black kryptonite which turned him Evil for about six pages.

It was horrible. Read my whole post about it, I was in rare form.

This one seems more promising! That Lex Luthor cat always has some evil shit up his delicate sleeves!

All-Star Superman, Issue #5 [September, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“The Gospel According to Lex Luthor”

All-Star Superman, Issue #5

Welcome to prison, nerds! Lex stuffed his pants with acorns, which is why he’s about to get his ass kicked by all the other inmates who want to feast upon delicious, delicious acorns.

If you recall from Issue #1, Lex Luthor wants to go to prison. He likes the idea of losing all his freedoms!

“Attila the Hun. Genghis Khan. Al Capone. Adolf Hitler. Lex Luthor… you freely admit that these vile and appalling criminals are the men you revere above all as heroes and role models. Your insane schemes have placed in jeopardy the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet. Have you anything more to say before I deliver the verdict of this court?”

The judge looks like if Spike Lee aged another 400 years. Lex Luthor snarls and merely tells the judge that Superman made him do all the bad, bad crimes. Put that bitch on trial instead, make him eat his own butt in front of the jury.

Judge Decrepit Old Corpse sentences Luthor to death via electric chair. Luthor makes the stupidest face I’ve ever seen in a comic, and I’ve seen a lot of Superman faces. He looks like he’s trying to squeeze a giant fart out of his tiny butthole.

Elsewhere, Clark Kent is getting flown via helicopter to Stryker’s Island where all the world’s most dangerous criminals play Yahtzee and eat string beans. He’s going to spend an hour talking to Lex Luthor, who is currently busy creating a robot called the Bibliobot Mark 2 — “a roving library”. Goosebumps aplenty! Every Clive Cussler book in existence! L. Ron Hubbard! This thing is great, it’s like an audiobook except less convenient.

Clark responds to Luthor’s invention by flopping around the room like a fish with extra fish chromosomes.

All-Star Superman, Issue #5

WHOOAAA, WAAAAHH, WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB *HONK *HONK*

Anyway, Clark has one hour to interview Luthor. Give the Daily Planet his side of the story. Luthor is amenable, and instructs the dingus he sees before him to follow him into the next room where he starts running on a treadmill for no reason. “How does a man like you feel about Superman? Honestly?” Luthor asks, huffing and puffing. A reminder that even the “smartest man in the world” can’t see that Clark Kent and Superman are one and the same.

“I’m…ah… I’m fine with him,” Clark responds, putting on his best Jeff Goldblum impression. “He’s always been friendly around the office.”

“And you don’t feel in any way diminished by his very presence on this planet? Strange.”

“Our jobs don’t tend to overlap.”

Luthor grabs Clark’s notes out of his hands and comments that he, the man who can crack any code in less than a minute, can’t read any of that bullshit chicken scratch. “Why can’t you use an electronic recording device like any normal hack?” he says, throwing the little notebook behind him. Luthor starts deadlifting some weights now, proving his masculinity once again! I’m feeling a little tickle in my pants watching him sweat profusely…

“Imagine life on this world if some opportunistic alien vermin hadn’t decided to dump its trash here, Kent,” Lex says, huffing and puffing and hoofing and poofing. “That’s all I’ve ever asked anyone to do. Imagine how it was meant to be.” Luthor is clearly talking about Lois Lane right now and his penchant for wanting to bone her badly. I still don’t see what everyone sees in this dreadfully boring woman.

All-Star Superman, Issue #5

Here, catch! Wakka wakka!

But of course, he deflects and makes it about Clark. Why, there’s nothing about Clark that’s so damn unappealing that Lois shouldn’t have her eyes on him! But, alas, that Superman is totally in the way, isn’t he? Ho hum. Too bad, so sad, etc.

After throwing the barbell down at Clark’s feet, Clark is like “huh, buh, is you tryin’ ta intimidate me?” Then Luthor asks Clark to feel his bicep. Clark obliges. “It’s easy to be strong when you just happen to have come from the planet Krypton. This takes hard work!”

I’m tired of Lex Luthor’s laundry list of insecurities. Is Clark gonna ask him a damn question or what?

Lex asks how Superman is doing these days. “Pale? Tired?” That answer is no, of course, but Lex Luthor is like “IT SURE DOESN’T LOOK THAT WAY TO ME!” and walks away.

Clearly, we are not going to cut to the chase here and we’ll hear more about how small Lex Luthor feels when Superman is even brought up in a conversation. Even when he’s not brought up in a conversation! People could be talking about marbles and Lex would be like “that motherfucker”.

“I just don’t get it,” Clark says. “Why squander your resources and intellect on this… frankly, unhealthy… obsession with Superman?” Hear, hear. Now we’re asking the right questions! And the answer is basically “wah, I’m in prison, I’m always in prison, and Superman is never in prison, and I’ve been in prison so many times it’s like a second home, and Superman this, and Superman that, and wah wah wah”.

Lex looks toward the ragtag bunch of incoherent, unstable, smelly, lumpy men in the prison. “They can feel the coming change, the wings of a new human renaissance. I’m transforming this place into a new model of society, Kent, a blueprint for utopian living!”

Clark stares at the misshapen, cone-headed convicts.

“This is my final revenge – to be right. My “survival of the smartest” doctrines command absolute respect in here…”

A couple of inmates yell at Luthor. “I’LL FUCK YOUR ASS TO HADES”, stuff like that, sorta. “Ignore it,” Lex grumbles. “Every society has its monsters.”

All-Star Superman, Issue #5

I like the way the purple toilet man thinks!

Guards are rolling out this ranting purple thing. His face looks like it’s covered with potato chip crumbs. Clark wonders if this “parasite” is behind lead shielding, as he should be. He’s obviously not, he can see him from where he’s standing. Doofus.

The parasite starts blowing up like a balloon. “POWER! MORE POWER THAN I EVER HAD!” he bursts out of his restraints. Clark Kent gets nervous, knowing that the parasite feeds on Superman energy. You know, if Superman were walking by or something. Odd, huh? “What’s the matter, Kent?” Luthor sneers. “Scared he’ll absorb your last reserves of cowardice?” And Clark’s like “YES” and starts trying to run away.

The parasite bounds toward Clark. “MORE! MORE POWER!” A riot breaks out. Luthor looks pleased. Guards start deploying the tear gas. Everyone has a love-in.

Clark warns Luthor that he’s in danger, but Lex Luthor laughs at danger! Like this: “NYEEEAHH!! HYEEEEEEEAAAHH!!” I didn’t say it was a good laugh. Luthor sees Clark run right into the tear gas and thinks that he’ll be dead shortly. “Some other slob of a journalist can have Lex Luthor’s story of a lifetime!” Luthor says while a crazed inmate who looks like a mustachioed Zach Galifianakis picks up a gun and aims it right for his head. Clark saves him just in time. Like a moron.

Luthor then hoists up Clark, who is coughing and hacking from the tear gas, and urges him to run with him. Together. Cavort like lovebirds. “You know, part of me would be happy watching these animals tear you apart, you sanctimonious ox.” Luthor continues down a corridor. “But I want you alive. I want you to tell my story. The story of a man who refused to bend the knee to an alien invader. A man who dared to ask the question ‘Who does Superman think he is?’”.

Clark thinks this is still a waste of time, but whatever. Unhealthy obsessions and all that. Like jacking off to the JCPenney catalog. Anyway, Luthor is leading Clark down to his cell, but they get ambushed again by the ever-growing parasite. The other inmates are like “ok, Luthor, prove to us you’re not some bald hack piece of shit and lead us, you dumb cunt”, which Luthor is happy to take them up on.

All-Star Superman, Issue #5

Quick, before I take a huge, ugly dumb right here in the hallway.

Luthor shoots at the dumb beast, which only makes him grow bigger. Pretty soon, he’s tumbling under his own bulk and crashing into walls like Louie Anderson at an open bar. The parasite collapses, choking to death on the excess energy.

“See what happens to anyone who crosses me, Kent? Anyone who underestimates Luthor?” Then he starts kicking and stomping the beast’s remains. “Liquefying! And that’s exactly how he’ll look!” Pink liquid spurts out with every kick and stomp. “That’s how Superman will look at the end! Nobody threatens me! NOBODY GETS IN LUTHOR’S WAY!”

Stable genius, this guy. Clark is simply appalled, clutching his pearls, eating his hat.

“Anybody else want to challenge my ideas?” Lex gives the ol’ wild-eye to all the other inmates, who don’t look like they care much about anything Lex says or does or whether or not he’s even in the room or at his grandma’s house kitting mittens. “Didn’t think so.”

He tells everyone that he’s heading back to his cell, and wait for his signal if they want change.

Clark tells Luthor that he’s not all bad, which Luthor amazingly doesn’t refute. “I’ve always liked you, Kent. You’re a humble, modest, uncoordinated human. You’re everything he’s not.” This is a good time to remind the audience that the self-proclaimed smartest man on the planet can look right at Clark Kent, who has the same height, build, haircut, face, and voice as Superman, and fail to connect any dots. “But you’re just another weapon in my war against Superman. Watch how I easily make you, your paper, and your entire penal system seem completely unreliable.

Then this happens:

All-Star Superman, Issue #5

Just another normal day in the peniteniary.

Anyway, Lex Luthor lifts up a floor panel and reveals a secret passageway excavated by his Library Robot. Clark is to take an underground boat down an underground river. His guide will be Nasthalthia, or “Nasty”, an 18-year-old woman who speaks 30 languages and wants to run the world one day. How cute.

Clark is like, what the fuck? Really?

“You could escape anytime you wanted, Lex.”

“I’m going to the chair fulfilled. Don’t worry about me. I have friends in high places.”

“I can’t believe you’re getting ready to die like this. You and Superman could have been friends.”

Nope. Clark Kent is going to die before Lex dies, and he’s going to be there for it. “I used the sun itself, Kent. The source of his powers – to overload his cellular batteries and destroy him from within, do you understand? I killed Superman.”

Nasty paddles away with Clark on the boat. He whimpers that Lex has no proof, but Lex insists that the entire story is Clark’s to run with. “You wanted my story, ‘The Gospel of Lex’, and now you have it.”

“How would you feel if someone deliberately stood in your way, over and over again? IF IT WASN’T FOR SUPERMAN, I’D BE IN CHARGE ON THIS PLANET!”

All-Star Superman, Issue #5

Painting is fun. You could learn to paint. Or, hey, gardening! You could grow a tomato!

Final Thoughts

Really ran off the rails at the end there, but I can always count on Lex Luthor to bitch and moan and whine about not being able to rule the world like an entitled piss-pants. At least Batman villains are like “I WILL EAT YOUR KIDNEYS RIGHT THROUGH YOUR BODY BECAUSE I AM A CRAZY PERSON WITH NO AGENDA.”

In Superman it’s either Lex Luthor or some alien nobody from Glarglax who wants Superman’s Saturn Juice.


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Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

Tagline:
Kick Some Past

Wide Release Date:
August 13, 2010

Directed by:
Steve Pink
Screenplay by:
Josh Heald, Sean Anders, John Morris
Story by:
Josh Heald
Produced by:
John Cusack, Grace Loh, John Morris, Matt Moore

Starring:
John Cusack
Rob Corddry
Craig Robinson
Clark Duke
Crispin Glover
Lizzy Caplan
Chevy Chasen

Hot Tub Time Machine

PREGAME THOUGHTS

What a stupid-ass movie this is probably going to turn out to be. I remember being in the thick of college when Hot Tub Time Machine came out, and my dumbass friend wanted to see it in the theater. Being 22 years old, I was too fucking smart and good for something like this.

Not anymore!

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Knuckleheads from old times Adam (John Cusack), Lou (Rob Corddry), and Nick (Craig Robinson) are miserable and pathetic. Adam’s girlfriend broke up with him. Lou’s a divorced alcoholic. Nick works at a dog spa.

Lou almost accidentally kills himself by leaving his car running in a closed garage. Adam and Nick visit him in the hospital and, each yearning for the good old days, make arrangements to visit the ski resort that defined their young adulthood. They bring along Adam’s 20-year-old slacker virgin nephew Jacob (Clark Duke) and get ready for some hella fun.

The place sucks. A lot has changed in the small town in 25 years, and their hotel is decrepit. Making the most of it, the group settles down in their room and take advantage of the hot tub (time machine). While drunk, they accidentally knock over an energy drink into the main console of the hot tub (time machine). They wake up to a bustling ski resort full young people with throwback clothes and hair. They’re in 1986. To each other, they still look like their current selves. To everyone else, and in a mirror, they look 20.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Ahhh, to be young and pretty again.

Jacob looks the same for obvious reasons.

The repairman assigned to fix the hot tub (time machine) (Chevy Chase) is aware of their time travel, and warns them all to be careful not to fuck with the timeline or else the timeline will get fucked. As a result, they all try to play out this weekend identically to their actual experience in 1986: Adam needs to break up with his girlfriend, Lou needs to get into a fight, and Nick needs to perform with his old band “Chocolate Lipstick” and have sex with a woman who is not his marital wife. Hilarity ensues as each faces reluctance to perform their respective necessary tasks.

Adam’s old girlfriend was hot as the dickens and he definitely doesn’t want to break up with her. Lou wants to fuck women and not get his ass kicked. Nick doesn’t want to bone a woman who is not his wife, although there’s nothing abhorrent about playing with his band again as it turns out. Just the sex part.

Eventually, the pieces fall into place. Lou gets his ass kicked. Nick screws and sings. Adam’s girlfriend breaks up with him, but he meets a music journalist named April (Lizzy Caplan) who is there to report on the battle of the bands at Winterfest ’86.

After some unsuccessful encounters with the shifty, mysterious repairman, Jacob learns that they all need to pour more energy drink on the console in order to travel back to their own time. Chevy Chase fixes the hot tub (time machine) and Jacob seeks out the other three.

There’s a part where Lou loses a bet and has to give Nick a blowjob. He doesn’t actually do it, but he gets very close.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Lou’s going to rock your fucking world, bro.

Along the way, they run into Adam’s sister (Jacob’s mother) Kelly, who is continuously pursued by Lou. They have sex, and Jacob’s constant flickering during the coitus spurs the realization that Lou is Jacob’s father and that he needs to do a big ol’ cum so that Jacob doesn’t phase out into non-existence. This revelation makes Jacob unhappy.

Securing the necessary energy drink, the group piles into the fixed hot tub (time machine). Lou hangs back, vowing to do his life over and make something of himself. And he does: he founds “Lougle”, which is just Google that a lo(u)ser invented. Lou is extremely rich and married to Kelly. Adam is married to April, the music journalist. Nick is a music producer. Jacob is still lazy and useless. Everyone lives happily ever after.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Fixing the Future

Don’t even get me started on this movie’s handling of time travelling. How dare this dumb low-brow comedy movie throw away the rulebook on time travelling! God fucking damnit, but do I get all worked up over this kind of thing!

Hot Tub Time Machine

Goddamnit, Clark Duke! Whatever happened happened! There is no changing the future! Rob Corddry is so mad that he forgot to put on clothes.

Nah, I’m good. I’m not going to ask for or expect that much from a movie about hot tubs, time machines, spilled energy drinks, and one-armed Crispin Glover bellhops. I’d rather talk about each main character’s problem and how it got “fixed”.

Craig Robinson’s character feels like a cuckold, a word I hate, but he is. His wife cheats on him and he knows it. She made him tack on her last name to his, which he resents. He also gave up his music career after only one bad show. He works at a dang dog spa! His ’80s revisitation involves him putting on a great show and stealing a few songs Marty McFly “Johnny B. Goode”-style. He returns to the present with a great music career, a single last name, and… the same wife. But she’s better now.

John Cusack’s character has relationship problems and thinks he can attribute the beginning of it all to breaking up with his girlfriend (and getting the fork in the eye). His older self thinks he’s insane for breaking it off with someone so hot, but she turns out to be shallow and immature. She breaks it off with him (and he gets a fork in the eye), which means that the break-up was going to happen anyway. Then he marries Lizzy Caplan. The end.

Rob Corddry’s character is a complete loser who has spent his whole adulthood living in the past. So what does he do to fix his problems? He lives in the past! He decides that the high point of his life was the ’80s and he relives his young adulthood all over again. And then he exploits the past and gets rich off of it, but we learn that Lou experiences no real growth as a human being. But he ends up happy, and that’s all that really matters.

Clark Duke’s character is inconsequential to the story. A big bowl of who cares.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Chevy Chase, you ignorant slut!

TOPIC 2 — My Own Hot Tub Time Machine

Oh man, what if I had my own hot tub time machine? Well, first of all, I wouldn’t touch that thing with a five-foot pole. Hot tubs are disgusting. Second of all, turn it into a blanket-on-the-couch time machine and we’d be in business. If I could choose my time travel destinations, I’d have three options:

2000 – I’m 12, in the thick of middle school, and I hate everything about my life! Preteens are complete dickheads, and I showed little to no interest in any of my school subjects. I’d seek solace within the 2″ x 2″ screen of my Game Boy Pocket and/or my 56k home Internet connection (reading and writing South Park fanfiction, mostly). Obviously, I’d want to return to 2000 and beat my little punk ass up for being such a nerd. There would be nothing better to change the course of my life than having my older self pummel me within an inch of my life.

2008 – I’m 20, in the thick of college, and I love everything about my life! I barely study and go to class, I have 20 hours of free time per day, and I’m surrounded by college girls. There is nothing I regret about this era of my life, except maybe all those hours I spent watching Lost DVDs. I’d want to go back to 2008 just to relive it again. Also, I’d have all the knowledge about materials science and engineering that I already have so that I could go to even less class! Talk about a major time-saver!

2033 – I’m 45, in the thick of adulthood, and I’m in the prime of my life. My perfect hair has a touch of gray that the ladies will find simply irresistible. My runner’s body will be taut and sinewy, with exactly 1% body fat. I’ll have discovered a cure for fingernail cancer and become a multi-millionaire, throwing my money around like I’m King of… Money. I want to visit 2033 just so I can shake my hand! Good work, Tom.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Come on, bitches! We’re goin’ to the past!

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

In an interview, John Cusack stated that he made his decision to join the cast of this film almost entirely based off of the title.
If the title were “Hot Tub Shit Fuck”, Cusack probably would have been a tad more apprehensive. Just a tad, though.

After arriving in the past, Adam (John Cusack) pulls a Fishbone t-shirt from his suitcase. Cusack is a known fan of the band, and there have been references to them in several of his other films.
I have nothing funny to say about this. Fuck yeah, Fishbone.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Fuck yeah, Fishbone.

Shipped to cinemas under the title “Bulldogs”.
I don’t know if cinemas have a say in what movies they accept. I imagine they have absolutely no say, right? There must have been very little faith that AMC would pick up a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine. Joke’s on them, though. I would never fucking see a movie called Bulldogs unless the movie was about a sex act called “bulldoggin'”.

According to Clark Duke, it was his idea for his character Jacob to travel back in time, and find out Lou was his father.
According to Clark Duke, it was his idea to have significantly more screen time, and find out that the major character he spent the most time with was his father, justifying his significantly more screen time. Barely.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

I’d say, overall, sure. It’s close to tipping the scales toward “no”, but Rob Corddry made me laugh out loud at least a dozen times and it’s very hard for any movie to get that reaction from me. Usually I stoically mutter to myself “heh, that’s funny”, but Corddry is the man. Watch it for Corddry and screw everyone else, honestly.

Matthew Perry drowned in a hot tub. Stay away from hot tubs, you guys.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 29: “Seanchan”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

A Bornhald / Domon chapter. Grab a nap.

On the Bornhald side of things, on the way to Toman Head they pass into a burning village where he finds people — some children — hanging from gallows. Bornhald orders one of his soldiers, Muadh, to cut them down and demands who is responsible. Muadh says it’s the Questioners’ doing. In this town, they are dressed as civilians and they order Bornhald to ride away from Toman Head. Bornhald doesn’t like what he’s seeing, and decides to directly oppose the Questioners’ orders and continue toward Toman Head.

On the Domon side of things, he is on his ship, the Spray, getting chased down by Seanchan ships off the coast of Toman Head. The rumors speak of the Seanchan using monsters and Aes Sedai as allies in their pursuits. Soon, torrents of water and flame flank either side of the Spray so Domon decides to surrender before his ship gets totally trashed, man.

Soon, Domon’s ship gets boarded by a group of Seanchan. Domon is shocked — SHOCKED — SHOCKED — that the Seanchan commanding officer is a woman: Captain Egeanin, and she sounds fuckin’ hot. Except for the weird slurred speech, but I guess my heart goes out to Dena the Gleewoman in this particular book. Or Nynaeve, obviously. ANYWAY, Domon asks Egeanin if she is Aes Sedai, which is responded by a prompt, firm slap to the supple cheek. “Don’tyoudaresaythatshitagain” she says slurringly. Captain Edamame will escort the Spray to Falme and if he swears oaths toward the Seanchan, Domon and his crew will be allowed to go.

Amidst this, Domon notices a woman holding a leash to the neck collar of another woman, which Egeanin refers to as her damane. This is basically a personal Aes Sedai slave, so I don’t know what Egeanin’s problem is. Call a spade a spade.

In Falme, Egeanin presents Domon to the High Lord Turak and an item she took from Domon’s ship — wrapped in silk. A cuendillar. A stone bearing an Aes Sedai symbol. Domon claims he doesn’t know exactly what it is, just that he collects such interesting artifacts. Turak places the stone among his vast collection, a collection that is worth an entire kingdom. Then Turak is very interested in learning how a humble trader such as Domon came across a cuendillar in the first place.

Domon poops his pants.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40 – “Average Bear”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Irresponsible storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40 – “Average Bear”! Allow me to cram yet another Ultimate Spider-Man story down your throat! In the previous storyline, Peter Parker catches up with an old, old friend named Eddie Brock. Both their dads were partners in their cancer cure research, which involved a black goo that could form around a person as a suit. Long story short, it fucks up Peter Parker for about one issue, then it fucks up Eddie Brock, and then Parker becomes a sadboi who wants to quit the Spider-Man gig, but then Nick Fury says “no”.

MJ still won’t take Parker back because he just won’t quit being Spider-Man. He doesn’t want to be Spider-Man anymore and yet he won’t quit doing it! Why not?!

Maybe we’ll find out next? But probably not.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40 [July, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Average Bear”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40

Cover Analysis: butt

Peter Parker tries to buy a new costume at a sporting goods store. He’s all like “I need something tight-fitting that shows off my thunder thighs, like a leotard or a wrestling uniform or like a Spider-Man costume” and the guy at the counter is like “What the fuck are you even talking about?” Needless to say, Parker is unsuccessful.

“I have no costume.” He runs across town. “I’m a superhero without a costume. I don’t even have a cool leather outfit that would pass for ‘costume-ish’ in this more cynical world I live in.” So, the funny thing here is, of course, that Parker wants leather. Should’ve known.

I forgot what happened to his costume, but he ain’t have it no more. How’s he gonna get a new one? He can’t sew! MJ can sew, but she’s got a bug up her butt at the moment. If he orders tights over the internet, Aunt May is totally going to open it first and there will be a laundry list of questions like “what’s with the tights?” And that would suck, because Parker would have to be like “I wear tights now.”

“Maybe I can get the costume from the jerk who was running around dressed as me robbing banks.”

In school, the teacher announces the resurgence of the school telenews program. “I will be the faculty advisor on the project,” she says, “and will be selecting students to work both on and off the camera.” A perfect opportunity for Parker to do some Spidey posing! And– wait a minute! D’oh! No costume! D’oh!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40

Oh shit, my homoerotic poetry!

MJ notices during Ms. Teach’s spiel that Parker is staring at Mars. “What’s the matter?” she writes in her notebook. Parker glares at her like she’s the sun and he wants to burn his eyes out. Intense, man, is what I’m saying here. MJ looks taken aback by his if-looks-could-kill look, which could kill her. He responds with his own chicken scratch: “Why do you care?” Oh snap!

Here’s the back-and-forth:

“I care.”

“Well, which is it? You can’t have both things.”

“I can’t care?”

“If you care, then why are we not together?”

This takes MJ to Frown Town, which is adjacent to Clown Town (where Parker is the mayor). Then she gets an idea, and I bet she writes something good about his dick when the teacher snatches the notebook right out of her hands! She embarrasses both of them in front of whole class like a cunt from cunt hell. End scene.

Enough of that comic relief! After school, Parker calls up the WWE except it’s a fake WWE. It’s the FFW, the Full Force Wrestling Co., and he pretends to be a representative from Hasbro looking to make toys based on their wrestling characters! He probably sounds 15 years old here for reasons that are plainly obvious to ME, but probably not to you. Dummy.

Whatever little stunt he’s trying to pull immediately falls flat. Enough of that comic relief! Flash Thompson and his Wonderful Bowl Cut approaches Parker with a look of truce on his face. He just wants to talk, no wedgies or noogies or acid in the face today. Parker doesn’t believe this kid as far as he can kick him in the nuts, which he can’t do because Flash is about 40 feet taller than him.

Parker calls Flash a jackass and walks away. Flash looks sad. Kong asks what the fuck’s the matter. Flash looks sad. AND THEN WE DON’T GET TO KNOW WHAT FLASH WANTED YET. Maybe he wanted tips on how to bone MJ with gusto.

Let’s turn our attention to the streets where a gaggle of toughs are chasing a young woman with groceries for reasons I cannot discern! She drops her bags and they corner her in an alley with a dead end. One of them brandishes a switchblade. If they can’t have her Wonder Bread and their Uncle Ben rice, nobody can!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40

Running a marathon isn’t as fun as it used to be.

She’s about to get poked in the ol’ throat, but the familiar THWAP of spider spooge hits the thug’s knife hand. Spidey drops down wearing a mask, a sweatshirt with a picture of a spider on it, and jeans. The thugs look at him incredulously, all like “the fuck are you supposed to be?”

“I’m Spider-Man. Read a paper.”

“Where’s your costume?”

“Your mom’s washing it for me.”

This leads to a wind-up and a punch, but Spider-Man ain’t taking punches, no sir. He SMACKs and FTUNKs and CLUMPs them into a corner, then he THWIIIPPPs a big aerosol can full of web gunk at them. They cry and bitch and moan about this, but we all know better than to complain when offered some of Spidey’s webs. It’s an honor, actually.

Spidey turns to the woman to make sure she’s ok, but she’s startled at the missing eye of his mask. Shit. OK, everyone… uh… please help find it the ground somewhere. Thanks in advance.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40

I dunno, this could work for him. There’s got to be a fetish website out there for superheroes showin’ some skin around the eyeball.

Pretty pathetic stuff here. Superheroing involves finesse, not this bush league second-rate flailing around. Later, having secured the glass eye, he attempts to sew it back into the mask; or glue or hammer or whatever it is he’s trying to do to it. It’s not working. He wants to throw a fit about it, which is in-character for sure.

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs of the basement freaks out our hero, who throws his unsuspicious clothing into a chest and slams it shut. It’s Gwen Stacy, geared up and ready to hump this kid’s face. “Are you going to that party tonight?” she asks him, clearly forgetting that Peter Parker hasn’t been invited to a party since he was seven years old.

And, of course, Parker doesn’t know what the hell Gwen is talking about. They exchange some very flirty banter, such as:

“No one tells me about parties.”

“No one tells me either.”

“Know why?”

“Because we have no friends.”

“We’re losers.”

“Sure, but, you know, by choice.”

She asks again if he would like to go to the party, and Parker doesn’t get the hint and decides that, no, absolutely not, he would not like to go somewhere where he might get some action and some delicious Miller Lite. Gwen decides that something fun may happen at the party. Parker decides that nothing fun ever happens anywhere… shit… he’s starting to sound like me.

“Why does everyone have fun at these things but us?” Gwen asks.

“I do not know.”

“I see people. They have fun. Why aren’t we having fun?”

“I do not know.”

“We’re fun.”

“Not really.”

“Why can’t we go to a party and have fun?… Let’s go to a party and have fun.” She smiles at him. “Let’s do it. Let’s be fun people.”

Ughhh, why? Why why why? In classic Parker fashion, he looks like he just filled his diaper with two-week-old diarrhea. The next panel, they’re at the party. And they both look miserable! What a great plan this shook out to be!

Parker wants to leave until two very attractive young women show up looking all slutty and enticing. Everyone turns their heads.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #40

Yo, Monica and Rachel in the house.

Both these girls look in Parker/Gwen’s direction and then walk by frowning heavily. It turns out that one of them, the one with the raven-haired bob, is actually MJ! The other one is what’s-her-face, MJ’s friend. Liz? I think it’s Liz.

Gwen says their ploy worked: it got Parker’s attention. And now Gwen is satisfied, and now they can go home and do some of that face humping we talked about earlier!

They don’t even have time to think about leaving further. A very loud BOOM rocks the house. The party patrons all leave to see what all the hubbub ruckus is about! Some woman just blew up a car! Then she blows up another! Frikkin’ awesome, dude! Woop woop!

It might be a man actually. A man with electric-ball hand powers. He/she glances over his/her shoulder and stares right at Parker.

Gulp!

Diarrhea in the pants.

Final Thoughts

MJ wanted to show Parker exactly what he was missing via some weird steampunk dress that leaves barely anything to the imagination!

Sounds like Peter Parker needs to quit the Spider-Man gig. He doesn’t even have a costume anymore, for fuck’s sake! Get your girlfriend back, nimrod!

Ugh.


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Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5

* Part 5 of 5 of the Tales of the Vampires limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5! In the previous installment, Roche tells a couple more stories.

A farmboy gets bitten and tries to bite himself a girlfriend, but fails. So he starts harvesting bodies and storing them in the barn instead of having a vampire fuck buddy.

A priest during Inquisition times, now a vampire, confesses his sins to another priest whom the vampire priest is compelled to spill his guts onto, yo. Turns out this guy is God, and he orders the vampire to sit out into the sun and die! Then it turns out he’s just some lunatic off of his meds! Ha ha ha hahaha haha!

This is the final issue of the limited series. Little Edna is still very intrigued by Roche and we’re now going to see how the end of that little obsession plays out.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5 [April, 2004]

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5

“Tales of the Vampires Part V” – Joss Whedon

Roche has grasped one of the young children, Mr. Freckle Face. “You fools!” Roche addresses the Watcher-type people. “Did you think to parade this banquet before me and not have me feast? Release me. It is this morsel’s only hope.”

Another child smartly deduces that Roche is going to kill everyone anyway if he is released.

I deduce that this Roche fellow is single and waiting… hubba hubba.

And Edna, oh little Edna, she has a knife to a girl’s throat. “Perhaps you’d like some help,” she says to Roche with the respect to the whole “he’s gonna kill everyone anyway if he is released” situation. The Watchers cannot believe their eyes or their ears or their brains! What’s gotten into this girl? Huh? Eh? Wha?

“The girl is wise,” Roche claims. “She knows the power I can bestow upon her. The power of a god.” Roche wants to eat this girl’s neck and then let her eat his neck and then it’s more necking from that point forward.

But here’s a twist. The little girl with the knife to her throat, she’s Roche’s sire. Edna has figured this out because a) she suddenly showed up to join everyone at Watcher school for no reason one day, and b) she’s never in the sun! Thank you, and good night!

Edna gets thrown against some rocks, and she looks visibly scared for the first time since the beginning of the series. “You want to learn about vampires, little girl?” Roche is not havin’ it anymore. “Here’s your very last lesson.”

“Some Like It Hot” – Sam Loeb

“Doc! Come on! Let’s get moving here! I got places to go, people to eat!”

I rather pale, Hot Topic-shopping gothy-looking vampire lies in bed. He loves being a vampire. Super-strength, agility, immortality… but he misses the sun. Oh, the sun. It’s the one thing he doesn’t get to have.

“Before we proceed with this, I’d like to remind you once again of the severe risk you’re taking.” The doctor looks like Frank Zappa, only fully goateed, and he has the stupid round doctor mirror on his head.

Being a vampire is cold. All the time. Ice in the veins. It sucks. “It’s worth it,” the vampire responds, smiling.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5

Look, Doc, just fuck the sun into me. Can ya do that, sir?

It sounds like this guy is getting fitted with an IUD, but instead of preventing pregnancy it prevents turning into dust because of that big ball of hydrogen and helium in the sky.

It’s going to be exciting to see the sun again! Sunburns, Vitamin D, staring at it all damn day without eye protection. These are the good times.

Dr. Zappa takes a large saw to the vamp dude’s chest. Cutting into him like a large saw through butter, only a little bit harder to do, you know? “The pain is so bad I can barely stay awake,” the vampire thinks. “All I can do is keep thinking of what I’ll get out of this. Finally… to be warm again.”

“And then, all of a sudden, I feel… nothing.”

Doc takes a black heart out of his chest.

“Just cold. The empty, empty cold.”

WELL, WE’RE NOT DONE YET, DINGUS. The Doc rifles through his big treasure chest of shitty 18th Century doctor equipment and pulls out a fresh, red heart. When vampires get their heart removed, they’re invincible! The sun can’t hurt them. This is gonna be so f’in sweet, brah.

“Finished. Now rise! Rise, damn you!” Doc lifts his bloody hands up like a mad scientist caricature.

Here’s the caveat, though: it only works for 24 hours, then you die automatically. Haha haha.

Good thing Doc replaced the heart! Shit’s gonna be off the chain!

While the nurse gets ready to stitch the vampire up, he rises from the bed and bites her soft neck. She screams like a wimp about it.

He feels better! It’s a success!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5

Hee hee hee hee! Violence against women! That shit never gets old, right fellas???

Doc advises the vampire not to get the heart wet for about a week. I don’t know how to not get your heart wet when it rains all the damn time. Also, it’s ill-advised to go and get his head cut off. That would be hella lame, too, because the heart doesn’t prevent decapitation deaths. M’kay?

Marylin Manson over here traipses around outside in the woods. “The sun! After so long, I’m finally able to bask in its warm, beautiful rays. All the cold is gone! All that’s left is warmth and joy!”

…

…

“$#%@, it’s hot. I need a drink…”

THE END

Oh, the levity!

“Numb” – Brett Matthews

Angel stands out in the cold like a Grade A dingus, overlooking a small town. He’s nearby a sign that welcomes you to the small town. The name of the small town is obscured.

Angel, our hero of the story, walks into a quaint little diner. “What’ll it be?” asks a quaint little miserable old diner waitress. “I’m not sure…” he responds helpfully.

Ah, say no more. Here’s your cup of blood! Enjoy.

He spits it out immediately.

“WHAT?” The waitress reveals an arm full of cut wounds. “Mine’s not good enough for you anymore?”

Angel walks away from the diner, brooding and sulking as one does when one is Angel.

“You can’t see your breath no matter how hard you try,” a girl says suddenly. No coat. A light pink dress, clutching a stuffed bunny. “Because you’re dead, silly. Like me.”

Angel doesn’t think he’s dead… is he dead?… what even is dead, you know? Aren’t we all just dead, when you really think about it? Piles of carbon atoms and–

“Don’t tell me you forgot,” the child points, looking frightening.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5

Doesn’t ring a bell, kid. Sorry. Do you need a diaper change?

The girl kicks Angel in the shin. “Jerk!” And she runs away.

He remembers now. The shin jolt really knocked some sense into him.

Angel approaches a large mausoleum-like structure and lifts open a couple of cellar doors. “Tickets, please.” A female usher wearing the whole usher get-up reaches out her hand.

“Miss Calendar?” he asks? Remember when he killed her, too? He killed so, so many innocent people! lol!

He doesn’t have any tickets. “You always say that,” she responds as she grabs some tickets. She leads him down a twisty, nightmarish path with many oddly-shaped doors. She tells him not to open any. He’ll probably not listen to her immediately.

So he opens a door before she’s even out of eyeshot and finds Jenny Calendar’s dead, white-as-a-sheet body. “I told you not to, Angel. Why can’t you spare yourself it?”

Now what? Usher Calendar leads him to a hole in the ground and tells him to jump down that fucker. “You fall. You’re weak. You know what that means…”

Then he is confronted by his shackled evil Angelus persona. Dream sequences are fun, aren’t they? A real humdinger.

Angelus, being the evil guy that he is, tries to convince Angel that the only real motivation, ambition, and drive he’s ever had was through his evil Angelus persona! So give in to your bad self, mon ami. “You can feel me break loose again every time you let your mind wander or close your eyes. We both know that’s why you’re here. That it’s only a matter of time…”

Go blow yourself, hombre. Angel pushes him against the wall and clocks him in the mug.

“You know, sometimes…” Angelus bleeds from the nose. “Sometimes I think you’re the soul that was put into me. That that’s all you are. A soul. Nothing more. So, tell me Angel, in your heart of hearts… what do you see when you look in the mirror?”

Angel snaps out of it and finds himself in his bedroom. He looks in the mirror.

He sees nothing.

Obviously.

‘Cause he’s a vampire.

THE END

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #5

Put a shirt on, Soul Boy. You’re scaring all the kids you killed.

“Tales of the Vampires Part VI” – Joss Whedon

“God rest her soul.”

Edna had reduced the vampire girl, Sophie, to dusty dust. Roche is crying over his dear sire. Edna is livid. “Is this how you train Watchers?” She addresses the room full of horrible, incompetent Watchers. “By bringing children to be slaughtered? Bloody idiots.”

One Watcher is like “mind your P’s and your Q’s, and other letters too if applicable, little shrew”.

Edna turns to sad-sack Roche. “Vampire, you are everything I loathe. But I have learned from you. And I’m sorry for your loss.”

The Watchers are beside themselves with this behavior! How dare she address the mean, bad vampire as if he were something to sympathize with! “That girl has no place in the Watcher’s Organization,” says one. But not to worry! By the time she’s on the council, these old fucks will be long gone. Let her ruin it with her vampire buddy-buddying.

“So what exactly have we learned?” Edna asks herself. “Grown-ups are stupid, even when they’re dead.”

Edna returns to her family’s bakery. “Giles’ Bakery”.

Final Thoughts

That was fun, wasn’t it kids? These Buffyverse comics ain’t no slouches, that’s for damn sure. Good stuff all around!

Next up I cover some exciting, sexy Angel and Spike action. It will surely put some pepper in your pantaloons! Stay tuned, Buffyphiles.


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