Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

Tagline:
Get the hot girl. Defeat her evil exes. Hit love where it hurts.

Wide Release Date:
August 13, 2010

Directed by:
Edgar Wright
Screenplay by:
Michael Bacall, Edgar Wright
Based on the graphic novels by:
Bryan Lee O’Malley
Produced by:
Eric Gitter, Nira Park, Marc Platt, Edgar Wright

Starring:
Michael Cera
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Kieran Culkin
Chris Evans
Anna Kendrick
Alison Pill
Brandon Routh
Jason Schwartzman

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I saw this movie once already. It was a year after it was released and I was three weeks away from moving to Chicago. I remember liking it, but my anxiety-pickled brain quickly blocked out almost everything about this movie other than 1) Mary Elizabeth Winstead is pretty, and 2) Ann from Arrested Development fights George Michael from Arrested Development.

Twelve years later, it deserves another watch.

THE 300(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), a guy in his early 20s, is the bassist in a garage band with his friends (and an ex- Kim (Alison Pill)) called Sex Bob-Omb. He’s dating a high school student named Knives Chau (Ellen Wong), who is profoundly obsessed with him. Known to break hearts, Scott is advised by his friends, his roommate Wallace (Kieran Culkin), and his sister Stacey (Anna Kendrick) to cut if off now before it gets bad. He doesn’t.

Scott sees Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) in a dream, and that morning she delivers a package to his address. He becomes infatuated and spends his time pursuing her while, technically, still in a relationship with Knives Chau.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Two women fighting over George Michael? What, is he funny or something?…

During a battle of the bands event, Scott is suddenly attacked by one of Ramona’s exes, Matthew Patel. He defeats him à la Mortal Kombat and learns that he needs to defeat “seven evil exes” in order to date Ramona. He was the first. Actor Lucas Lee (Chris Evans) is the second. Vegan Todd Ingram (Brandon Routh) is the third. Confirmed lesbian Roxy Richter (Mae Whitman) is the fourth. Twins Kyle Katayanagi and Ken Katayanagi (who cares) are the fifth and sixth. Gideon Graves (Jason Schwartzman) is the Final Boss.

Along the way, Scott does break up with Knives and she doesn’t take it well. Scott confronts his own ex-girlfriend Envy Adams (Brie Larson). After a few fights, Ramona gets back together with Gideon because “there’s something about him” and that’s true in real life because Schwartzman once dated Selma Blair and Zooey Deschanel and I’ll hate him forever for that. Eventually, the showdown between Scott and Gideon takes place to win Ramona back. Scott uses the power of love and loses, but he has an extra life to use to try again. This time, after apologizing to both Knives and Ramona for cheating on them, Scott gains the power of self respect and wins. In the end, Knives finally accepts the breakup and Scott and Ramona go for it.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Nerd!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

This movie is super fun, and a lot better than I remembered. I can’t say I’ve seen anything quite like it, but I also haven’t seen a ton of movies! Scott Pilgrim… is super charming with its quirky characters, video game nostalgia, and joke-a-second structure (almost to an exhausting degree). I imagine if you’re a gamer, this movie will really click with you. I’m not much of a gamer, but I had fun anyway! I like the parts where the game stuff happened.

I can see why this movie would be very annoying to people. The non-conventional comic book-like effects and the fast-paced, chaotic direction would make someone like my mom, for example, frown so heavily that those two creases in her brow would dig holes into her brain. A live-action video game movie would not please your grandfather, who likely farmed for sorghum back in 1912. Also, I think by now people were starting to get sick of Michael Cera being Michael Cera. Scott Pilgrim… marks the end of the Michael Cera era (or, if you will, the Michael C-era) as far as I’m concerned. This role works for him, though, as he can simultaneously pull off being the super awkward geek and the springy and spry badass… well, maybe “badass” goes too far, but he is springy. He sure is the skinniest here compared to any other time I’ve ever seen him. And he’s just the worst protagonist ever. Weaselly and springy. Not a badass. Sorry about that.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

I’m gonna nuzzle the crap outta that guy!

The supporting cast is all strong. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is perfect as the non-manic non-pixie dream girl whose love everyone wants to fight for. I mean, her first appearance is literally in Scott’s dream. Winstead plays just the right level of disaffected that could only be bested by Audrey Plaza (also in this movie, by the way). Scott’s ex becomes so jealous of her that she attempts to look just like her. These are all tropes played out beautifully enough to not feel tropey. Their takes are meta and self-aware. Kieran Culkin is also fantastic as Scott’s often exasperated gay roommate. Jason Schwartzmann is so easy to hate, too, which is a role he’s really good at playing. Hell, a pre-Captain America Chris Evans is probably the best part of the whole movie, playing the over-the-top narcissistic Hollywood actor and skateboarder. It’s amazing to see how stacked this movie is with actors who would eventually get bigger roles. Did I mention Brie Larson? Brie Larson is in this movie, too.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is funny too, relying on fast-paced cuts, sound effects, and subversion of cringe. Anything awkward is undercut by Cera doubling down on it, which he is a master at. Once a George Michael, always a George Michael. He does most of the heavy lifting, is all I’m saying. Take that for the five cents it’s worth.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Her?

TOPIC 2 — I Said a Lot Already in Topic 1

There is no Topic 2.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The four cast members that made up the band “Sex Bob-Omb” spent several weeks learning how to play together as a band. Mark Webber, Alison Pill, and Johnny Simmons all had to learn their instruments from scratch, while Michael Cera had to “dumb down” his bass playing in order to not outshine his band mates.
Michael Cera was probably picking his bass like Les Fucking Claypool for 45 takes before he got yelled at.

Edgar Wright told his casting director not to hire any English actors as this was his first North American film. Satya Bhabha, who played Matthew Patel, successfully passed the audition with a non-English accent. Bhabha later revealed he was from London, England.
I like how the “later revealed” part implies that he completely got away with a crime and the statute of limitations was up. Is this how Hollywood is? No one checks anyone’s background? How dare this Englishman pass through security? Never again.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Edgar Wright vs. the Conniving British

Mary Elizabeth Winstead memorized ALL of the kinds of tea that her character rambles. Crew members kept offering for her to just read it from a piece of paper, but she insisted on learning it all.
Here are the teas I know: black, green, Sleepytime, iced, and Pusha.

To avoid an R-rating, the word “Fuck”, said by Envy to Julie, had to be bleeped out because Scott Pilgrim calls Todd Ingram a “cocky-cock” earlier in the film.
“Cocky-cock” contributes toward the R-rating minimum? That seems unfair. I would’ve dropped the “cocky-cock” altogether and called Todd Ingram a “prolapsed cuntface”. PG-13 ahoy.

When Scott first approaches Ramona at the party, a light switch is visible on a wall, seven feet above the ground near the ceiling. The party scene was filmed at a frat house in Canada, and the light switch puzzled the director as well as the crew.
Oh man, I didn’t even notice. I was too busy staring at the balloons, which look like a nutsack.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Hey, baby. Want to stand close to be while the ball drops?

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yeah. For something that’s over a decade old, I feel like the overall charm still rings true in a timeless way. Plus, anyone who likes comic books and/or video games enough will find the references and allusions to be fun, playful and quirky.

Come for the George Michael Bluth, stay for the Captain America.


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Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #6 – “Daredevil vs. Bruiser”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #6 – “Daredevil vs. Bruiser”! We’re ending another top shelf Mark Waid storyline, and someone pooped on the shelf. In the previous installment, Austin remembers what he heard the Latverians said in the office: that his company was doing dealings with Hydra. His boss, Mr. Randall, fired him to protect him. However, Randall’s boss Mr. Zachary caught onto Randall’s ruse and now Austin is in danger.

Mr. Randall’s in danger too! A guy named Bruiser has been hired to bruise the shit out of him! And by that I mean someone pooped on the shelf. And by that I mean he pushed Daredevil off of a boat and sped off with the hapless Mr. Randall.

So now Daredevil is going to fight Bruiser for 21 pages and, oh no, I hope he doesn’t lose his eyesight!

The joke will never get old to me.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #6 [January, 2012]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Daredevil vs. Bruiser”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #6

DAREDEVIL VS. BRUISER! A FIGHT TO THE DEATH, MAYBE! WHO WILL WIN? WHO WILL GIVE A SHIT?

We last left Daredevil getting dunked into the ocean. Lucky for him, sound travels faster through water. So he uses his “sound travels faster through water” powers to listen to the sound of a 75-decibel motorboat speeding away, which is helpful. He gets out his shitty-looking grappling hook and grips onto the boat.

Bruiser doesn’t want anything to do with the wispy little Mr. Randall. “Daredevil was the hit. Separate orders on this Randall guy. They told me to bring him back alive because, and I quote… our clients are demanding satisfaction.”

That sounds sexy! If anyone can bring people the satisfaction, it’s silver fox Mr. Randall. The boat docks at some offshore base and Bruiser hefts Randall like a sack of moldy potatoes. Daredevil rises out of the water to beat up the two boat-driving guys. He’s going to knock them unconscious and teabag their mouths in succession, but we don’t get to see that in the comic book. Assume it happens off-panel.

“Did you really think you could get away, Mr. Randall?” says a voice as Randall slowly opens his weary little eyes. A bunch of bad guys wearing supervillain suits are they with Mr. Zachary, the mean boss. Bruiser is there. I see a Hydra grunt. Some guy is wearing a Devo outfit. Here are the five organizations: A.I.M., Hydra, Agence Byzantine, Black Spectre, and the Secret Empire. All doing business with Midas Financial. “They are our valued clients,” Zachary says, looking rather obese. “And they are not happy. Thanks to you, our deal is no longer confidential.”

To appease these pants-shitting boneheads, Zachary wants them all to bear witness to the tying up of three loose ends: Mr. Randall himself, Daredevil, and that blind kid with the acne pockmarks.

Well, it seems that everyone is going to die swiftly. Good thing Daredevil isn’t actually around right now to–

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #6

WELCOME TO DAREDEVIL TOWN, BITCHCAKES!

Oh, there he is.

Daredevil fights Bruiser, but he sucks at it. “You think you can beat me?” Bruiser lifts Daredevil like a sack of moldy turnips. “I WILL GUT YOU WHILE THEY WATCH!”

So Bruiser’s gonna get all up in Daredevil’s guts. While he makes a big spectacle of himself screaming about sponsors and punching walls for no reason, Mr. Zachary slips out of the room.

Daredevil spends a lot of inner monologue time talking about why Bruiser is big and fat and good at trying to bruise people. Then he whacks him in the face with a stick. Bruiser bleeds, but laughs about it. This puny human thinks he can hurt the big bad Bruiser?! Ha ha ha ha! The only thing that can hurt Bruiser is this giant pile of sexual harassment allegation lawsuits!

Mr. Zachary has snuck off to a lab where he instructs the hazmat suit-wearing scientists to “disable all security around the Omegadrive” and get the fuck out of there. The five representatives of these scary terrorist organizations are about to terrorize everyone!

Hydra wants to just put a bullet into Daredevil’s penis and get it over with, but Agence Byzantine is like “SACRE BLEU, BE PATIENT, MAIS OUI?” Meanwhile, Bruiser is sitting on Daredevil’s crotch and farting.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #6

Ok, boys. Play nice. Don’t make me spray you with the hose.

Any other human being would’ve been dead in about 15 seconds, but not Daredevil! It takes about 17 seconds, and that’s just enough time for him t–

Daredevil uses his special radar to pinpoint Bruiser’s weak spot (genitals) and hits him again with a stick. It was actually his arm, though. He hurt him in the arm and won the fight.

Zachary orders the scientists to seal the Fightin’ Room, but it’s not soon enough. Daredevil grabs Randall and Austin and all three tumble out of the room before the door slams shut. SKANGG! SZAAAKK! FCHOOM FCHOOM! That’ll buy them a few hundred nanoseconds while they get away from the five bad guys and the one big fat bad guy! Move move move move move!

Moving through the halls, they find Zachary about to whip some sort of flat, round weapon at them. Daredevil knocks it out of his hand, but… but… but… BUTTT…

“The Omegadrive,” Randall says forlornly as Daredevil picks it up and, ahem, “stares” at it. “Billions of gigs of confidential operations information supplied by each of the five cartels.” It was meant to be a safe one-stop shop for everyone’s sensitive document security needs. And it was perfect. Totally indestructible, impenetrable, and with extra disk storage to hold some of the more distasteful pornography. Looking at you, Hydra.

It’s a Fantastic Four badge. “…made from Reed Richards’ legendary unstable molecules.” Yeah, so legendarily unstable that they’re re-stable again, I guess. Science.

Zachary laughs manaically! All five terrorists want it, and it will go to the winner who kills Daredevil and Co. Ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA!

*shoot* *guns*

Mr. Zachary is dead now. Terrorists cannot be negotiated with, dingus.

Daredevil has a foolproof plan! He does a fanciful flip in the air and lands in the center of the five terrorists. “Surrounded on all sides. They’re playing right into my hands.” Mark Waid thinks he’s so dang smart writing smart characters who keep outsmarting the dumb characters. He must write these comic books wearing sunglasses whiIe his wife lies in their bed, unfulfilled.

“My friends and I are walking out of here. And I’ll tell you why.” It’s because they’ll all kill each other getting that Fantastic Four shirt button, and the one who actually does survive has to go back to their boss and explain why he just started a five-way gang war.

Cool? So let them through.

And they don’t. “We can’t let you leave here alive,” says one of them, gun pointed one inch from Daredevil’s temple. Daredevil, ever the lawyer, has a great defense. Your Honor, let the record show that everyone can blame everything on him now. Cool? So let them through.

And they do.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #6

…they have to count this high first! Zing!

So Daredevil helps the young man and the old man leave. Austin tells Daredevil that he should be a lawyer. Daredevil tells Austin to cork it.

Mr. Randall can continue fleeing the country. That’s a good plan. Fuck him. “I would have you arrested and jailed for your part in an international terrorist conspiracy if I thought you’d live to see trial once your bosses learn you screwed it up. I’ll have to settle for knowing you’ll be running scared for the rest of your life. That’s justice served.”

Lawyered! Now, this Austin kid’s going to get a talking to from Uncle Daredevil. Give Randall a kiss goodbye. You won’t be seeing him ever again, even though it doesn’t matter too much since he is neither a friend nor a relative!

Daredevil and Austin walk away. The latter asks the former what he’s going to do when some of these terrorists start coming after him. And the only thing Daredevil has to say about that right now is basically “I dunno.”

But he’s got the upper hand! Reed Richards’ stupid plutonium “4” badge. “Yeah, they’ll stop at nothing to take it away from me. But until they do…” he smirks, “… that makes me the most dangerous man alive.”

Final Thoughts

Take that Fantastic Four badge and hump it. Just get your cum all over it, Murdock. Make the terrorists fight for your cum.

A rather disappointing story, but no matter! That’s what reading comic books is all about: sifting through the disappointments!

Until next time!


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Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”! I don’t know what the hell a “Smugglers’ Moon” is, but it sounds intriguing, dangerous, sexy, and downright moony. I can’t wait.

I should’ve recapped the previous storyline in the previous standalone Obi-Wan Kenobi installment, but I was lazy and now I don’t remember a thing about it!

Oh wait, yes I do. In the previous storyline, in the wake of Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star, Luke, Han, and Leia destroy the largest Empire weapons base in the galaxy. Darth Vader trounces Luke handily and causes Luke to doubt his abilities to do anything Jedi-related at all, like join Jedi meetings, learn the secret Jedi handshake, and fuck various Jedi-sanctioned space prostitutes. Meanwhile, Han and Leia escape the Imperial officers and attempt to find a habitable planet for their new Rebellion base.

They do.

But then Han Solo’s wife shows up! D’oh!

I hope there’s a lot of sheepish Han Solo in these next five issues. That’s worth the price of admission alone, I’ll bet.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 [October, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Luke Skywalker looks like Carol Brady on the cover. I wanna give him a kiss.

An unnamed planet near the Monsua Nebula. In an uncharted region of the Outer Rim. A fleet of starfighters and one of them big ol’ ships speed along. Star Destroyers? Anyway, the unnamed planet has been infiltrated by two unauthorized vessels. Hostile, I might add. Vessels that are ready to gnash their teeth and throw their Nintendo controllers across the room at any moment now. “The atmosphere is rife with electrical storms that have so far rendered our scanners inoperable,” declares the captain of the Star Destroyer. “Nevertheless, we suspect the ships are still hiding below.”

The starfighters are ordered to, like, nosedive into the planet for no reason kamikaze style. Long live the Empire!

Meanwhile, on the unnamed planet’s unnamed surface, a few named individuals are now bickering over a dubious claim of domestic relations. “Wife?!” yells Princess Leia of Alderaan Which Got Blown to Pieces. What the hell is this about, you tramp?

Han wants to know how Sana found him. Sana says Han is pathetically predictable. “All I had to do was leave a probe in this planet’s orbit.” Well, that’s actually wholly uninteresting and anti-climactic. Apparently, these two lovebirds used to visit this planet all the damn time. Way to go, Han Solo. You really know how to hide from hostile opponents!

Sana pecks the unwilling Han on the mouth. “Ugh!” he yells as she shoves his head away. “She’s a bit scrawny for your tastes, isn’t she?” Sana scolds while looking Leia up and down. Undressing her with her very eyes. Leia decides to walk away while the married couple sorts things out. Han is like “WAIT, COME BACK, I WANNA BONE YOU STILL. OK?”

And, of course, as a bounty hunter, Sana recognizes Leia’s name. For, you see, she’s got a big bounty on her head! It’s all coming together like peanut butter and jelly-flavored whiskey. “The rich princess in trouble. Yeah, Han could never resist those,” Sana smiles, aiming her gun at them and looking through her scope. “How many times has he rescued you? Bet he even turned down the reward.”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Look, we could play “who is whose wife?” all damn day! It’s a zero-sum game!

Han keeps insisting the Sana isn’t his wife. Sana insists that she has the documents to prove it: marriage license, marriage certificate, a napkin with “Sana is my wife” scrawled in Han Solo’s shitty chicken scratch. “Why are you doing this, Sana? Why are you even here?” Han whines. It’s because it’s time for him to wrap up his little charade. And furthermore, th–

Oh shit, are those TIE bombers up there, barely visible through the thick-ass Unnamed Planet atmosphere? Niceknowin’ya-byebye!!

Leia tells Sana to shoot her if she wants her husband back, for all she cares. Sana doesn’t shoot her, but she does order someone in her ship to blow up Han/Leia’s ship into an explosion of flaming wreckage! Ha! Take that, adulteress!

“Sana, stop this! What do you think you’re doing?” shouts the hapless Han Solo. This guy isn’t used to having the lower hand, eh? No upper hand for this guy. No hand at all, Jerry. No hand.

What Sana says next is loud and clear: she and Han will give up Leia to the Imperials, and then Han will come crawling back to Sana! Everyone cool with that plan? Ladies? Gentlemen? Tusken Raiders and Bandersnatches?

Oh, amidst all this ACTION I had completely forgotten that Lucas Skywalker is in the air farting around in a… uh… jet. He’s bitching and moaning about the journal he found belonging to Ben Kenobi being a useless hunk of garbage not even fit for toilet paper, which would be 1000x softer than Tatooine toilet paper (sandpaper with spikes on it). “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this,” he says, holding the decrepit thing up in front of him. “I don’t see where this book tells me anything about fighting with a lightsaber or using the Force.”

R2-D2 beeps and boops at him, probably translated to something along the lines of “cork it, nerd”. Luke decides to alter his course from wherever the hell he was going in the first place to where the Jedi might have lived! Yeah, let’s do that. Sounds like a much smaller waste of time than Kenobi’s journal, THAT’S FOR SURE.

Of course, he doesn’t actually go there. He goes to Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon! Hey, I wonder if that’s the same Smuggler’s Moon that the storyline is about! Gee, I sure hope so!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

In other words… I’m gonna get my ass kicked!

So Luke and R2-D2 visit Bar Shaddaa, right, and don’t get mugged immediately, which is weird. “All we have to do is find the worst-looking bar around. Trust me, Artoo, I know what I’m doing.”

Luke looks around with his sultry eyes and notices that the entire clientele of the seedy bar they just entered is looking right at him. There’s a full-page spread of it, too. A real Where’s Waldo of aliens staring at the Tatooine pretty boy.

“Kill him. Rob him. Feed him to the scum-squids.”

Eep! Luke insists that he’s just looking for s—GAGGHH! HRRGH! He’s getting thrown around for a bit. It’s exciting. I hope he chokes on his own vomit, and–

Luke brandishes his lightsaber. “That’s enough,” he says sternly, obviously referring to the savage beating he was just barely enduring. The local thugs stare in awe at the glowing rod of whatever it is that lightsabers are made of. Glorb crystals?

In the corner of the bar, a shady figure speaks into his receiver. “It’s me. Tell the big guy I’m bringing him one.” Oooooh, the big guy. I only know one of those, and it’s Jabba the Hutt. And he ain’t on Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon! He ain’t on Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon at all!

“Where did you get that weapon?” asks a particularly beefy drink of water.

“Oh, so now you wanna talk,” Luke responds, poochy-lipped. “I came in here to conduct business, and you tried to kill me.”

It would be a fair point if it weren’t Luke Skywalker, because screw that kid. Anyway, the business he wants to conduct is a one-way catapult to Coruscant. “Given your choice of weapon, I’d guess you’re seeking the Jedi Temple. And that you’d rather your trip remain somewhat… clandestine. So you need someone to sneak you into the capital planet, past the greatest concentration of Imperial guards in the galaxy.”

…

“I can do that,” this rather spiky individual concludes. “For a price. The price is that saber you’re holding.”

Luke whips out his penis and says NO!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Scum-squids need sustenance too, you know.

Well, Luke’s in for another fight, isn’t he? Glad I can be here to witness it. Oh dang! The guy in the corner uses some crazy electromagnetic powers and forces the lightsaber over to his hand. And by forces, I don’t mean Forces. This ain’t no Force at work. This is Science!

Now the entire bar joins Luke in chasing down the lightsaber thief.

We’ll get back to Luke in Issue #9! For now, is anyone else as interested in marital disputes as I am?! Sana aims her gun at Han and Leia while trying to communicate with the nearest Star Destroyer. Han begs for her to stop so they can talk. Leia tells him he should’ve shot her while he had the chance. “Trust me, that’s not how you deal with this woman. Also, she’s a better shot than me,” Han admits.

Time for the put-down-the-guns-and-chat gambit! “Sana. Honey. Let’s talk. We really need to talk.”

As Han approaches his lovely wife, Leia kicks him right in his butt and sends him flying right into Sana. They topple over. Leia brings out her own gun. “Nobody move.” TABLES HAVE TURNED! HARDY HAR HAR!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Where’s my tiny gun?

But, unbeknownst to Han, Leia’s actually pointing the gun at him. “Did you really think I was just gonna stand here and let you two sell me to the Empire? That’s not happening.”

“Heh. Hate to break it to ya, your highness… but you are already sold.” Sana smiles as Han twists his mouth stupidly.

IN COME THE TIE FIGHTERS! Leia’s gonna die.

Final Thoughts

Yep, this is the part where Leia dies. And Han, for that matter. Luke too, while we’re at it. All die. No more story. See you next time.


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The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchett

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Discworld series

The Color of Magic

Welcome to the Book Bonfire! Today I intend to tackle the first installment in the 8,000-book Discworld series! So get your stylish Book Bonfire lapel pins ready, we’re going full force on this one. And yes, I’m spelling “color” the filthy American way because I AM a filthy American, and my copy of the book drops the “u”. Suck it.

I’ve only read the first seven Discworld books, and I’ve only paid attention to half of them. I own every single one because I deeply love the idea of Discworld. In practice, though, I tend to glaze over as I read endless Mopey Wizard puns. “NOW TOM,” you might say to me, rudely interrupting I may add. “DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THE DISCWORLD BOOKS JUST GET BETTER AS THEY GO ON? WHY ARE YOU READING THEM IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, ANYWAY? AND FURTHERMORE, Y–” No. Shut up. I don’t care what you have to say on the matter. I read things in chronological order AND I understand that the Discworld books do get better. Through this blog and the writing exercises I assign to myself with all media that I consume, you and I together will meander our way through the many Discworld books. One by one.

The Color of Magic follows Rincewind — a bumbling “wizard” who is only a “wizard” in the sense that he knows exactly one spell, and saying it out loud could be the end of the universe as anyone knows it — and Twoflower — a Discworld tourist with a fascination of all that the planet has to offer. This book is loose jumble of plot points that aren’t very coherent: Ankh-Morpork catches on fire, Hrun the Barbarian rescues and aides Rincewind and Twoflower, Twoflower gets imprisoned in a dragon land, and then Rincewind and Twoflower almost fall off the edge of the world. Literally.

“Does Unseen University’s library have a collection of Kama Sutra-type books? You know, with the sex in it?”
– Twoflower

The actual story is completely nonsensical and uninteresting. I stay for the worldbuilding, which is genius. All the sidebars about the various lands and countries of the Disc, such as Krull or the Ramtops, and all the explanations of how magic works, and the description of ocatarine — the eighth color of the spectrum, and the greasiness that one feels when an area has a particularly strong magic presence — this is all way better than Rincewind and Twoflower running from some duel to the death with an heir to Wyrmburg or whatever the fuck was going on. Most of the entertaining bits come from the dialogue and Rincewind’s abject misery. Resigning himself to the status of failed wizard, he actually has quite a bit of knowledge about the history of magic and how it works.

Again, I’ve only read a small handful of these books and none seemed to progress much further in their sophistication than The Color of Magic other than, possibly, actual coherent plots. I remain unconvinced that I’ll ever truly fall in love with the series, but I look forward to being proven wrong as I use this blog to actually motivate me into reading anything past Pyramids.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“No, Twoflower. The Disc doesn’t have any sex books.”
– Rincewind

The novel spends more time in Ankh-Morpork than any other location. What purpose do you see the river-split city serving in setting up the Discworld and the people that populate it?
Fantastic question! I’ll field this one! You see, Ankh-Morpork is like the King’s Landing of Discworld. It’s full of murder, rape, and incest. ALSO, it’s the Disc’s key location. It will be the major setting for both the City Watch stories and the Unseen University stories. Among other things. I think.

OK, let me go into this question with a narrower scope. Let’s travel back to 1983 and say that this is the only Discworld novel that has been released thus far. First I’m like “oh man, this is kinda funny but it’s all over the place and if he writes another 40 books I hope they’re more cohesive”, and then the second thing that comes to mind is that the Ankh-Morpork location was the most interesting of all the other locations. Because (surprise!), cities are inherently more interesting anyway. It works that way in reality, that’s just the facts, ma’am. And I hope future books will spend most of the time in Ankh-Morpork (they kinda won’t, but oh well).

Why do you think the story separates into different tales where it does? Why do you think the story does away with chapter or section breaks within the individual tales? Given this, how does the overall structure affect your reading of the story?
This is because Pratchett couldn’t fill 200 pages with one fully fleshed out plot. He was focused mainly on parodying fantasy tropes. I don’t care why there aren’t chapter breaks within the actual separated stories, because who cares? As far as I remember, all the other Discworld books I’ve read don’t have chapters in them.

The overall structure is fine. I like it split up this way, because if the story is going to meander around, I at least like to know when the largest meanders will happen! Thank you for your question.

Why do you think the novel features the two main characters it does — that is, a one-spell, down-and-out wizard and an idealist tourist? How do these characters relate to the fantasy genre as a whole and also work against it?
The Dream Team of Rincewind and Twoflower? And you’re going to ask me why the story features these two as the main characters? Go suck a real life dick.

“How about cave drawings showing people fucking?”
– Twoflower

Rincewind is the archetypal fantasy character with a twist, and that’s all there really is to it. He allows the reader to learn the inner workings of the Disc and its magic system while simultaneously letting him/her laugh at his bumbling incompetence. Twoflower is the lens of the audience — a literal tourist with tourist clothes and a camera. He knows nothing about the Disc and he gets all his information in real time along with the reader. A catalyst for the world-building.

They work against the fantasy genre by subverting it. What an odd question to ask!

Does The Color of Magic have an antagonist?
Trick question! The Disc itself is the antagonist, throwing all manner of danger and obstacle in the faces of our two hapless heroes! Rimfalls and dragonriders and giant fires and barbarians!

If this is a copout answer, then it’s either the gods playing dice with the universe OR it’s Death himself, who keeps popping up to try to kill Rincewind. By the way, Rincewind’s ability to cheat Death by accident throughout the book is funny. Death is the best character.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Final Thoughts? I hope this ends up being the absolute worst book in the entire series. I’m looking forward to surpassing Book 7 and beyond, even if it takes me twenty years! And it just might, because I’m reading my weight in all these Star Wars books lately apparently. That shit’s eating away at my life for sure.


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All-Star Superman, Issue #3 – “Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”

* Part 3 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #3 – “Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”! In the previous installment, Superman takes Lois back to the Fortress of Solitude while she is in complete disbelief that Superman and Clark Kent are one and the same! I don’t know why, personally. Superman is like “durrrr” and Clark Kent is like “durrrr” so it makes a lot of sense to me.

Superman has a secret jerking-off room that Lois isn’t allowed to see, and she gets paranoid that Superman is going to murder her bones. As it turns out, Superman was using the secret jerking-off room to make Lois a birthday present: a Superwoman suit and a vial of piss-colored liquid that will grant the drinker exactly 24 hours of Superman powers!

And she’s going to spend that time Super jerking-off!

Isn’t that joke hilarious every time??

All-Star Superman, Issue #3 [May, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

“Go on. Open it.”

“What is it?”

“My superpowers. In liquid form. Happy birthday, Lois.”

“You’re serious? I get to be like you? For a whole day? Bring it on.”

*gulps down urine*

Meanwhile, a lizard monster is like “MEH-TRUH-PUH-LISZZ! KRULL WILL EAT YOU!” He’s going to eat all of Meh-truh-puh-liszz! Someone warn the citizens!

It lifts a car over its head, ready to throw it down on some poor, unsuspecting sap of a person. Way over at the Daily Planet building, a one Steve Lombard furrows his brow through his binoculars and yells at the monster to put his car down. Catherine Grant, fellow columnist, tells Lombard to pipe down. “Go on ahead and attract the attention of an army of flesh-eating dinosaur men! God!”

That Clark Kent always knows how to scurry on out of dodge when trouble’s a-brewing’. The fucker never seems to be around when the dinosaur men attack, I always say.

Jimmy Olsen wants to contact Superman, but Lombard doesn’t want that dumb bastard interfering. “We don’t need Superman! And, if you ask me, Olsen, neither does Lois Lane. You tell me what a spaceman flying around in his underwear can give her that a good old hunk of prime American manhood can’t?”

Gross.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

This is better than any birthday she had as a child. Lois received nothing but pencil erasers as presents and her chocolate cake was made out of rubber and bugs.

Lombard peers through his binoculars again and spots a costumed Lois Lane cavorting around the sky with her hubby Superman. “Is that woman out of her mind?”

Out of her mind like a fox!

Lois flies around downtown with a Grinchy smirk on her face. They’re just about to face the dinosaur lizard monster when they spot someone who had already beaten them to the punch!

Samson!

Samson?

Who the hell is Samson?

Samson looks like a husky woman who spent an hour squeezing into her spandex. With one powerful throw, she launches the monster way up into outer space (and right through what looks like the International Space Station. Ha! Take that, Science!)

Nah, Samson is a husky man with luscious black hair. “Easy! He won’t be bothering Metropolis again for a while,” he boasts as Superman and Lois gawk at him like a carnival freak.

“Samson,” Lois says, “last we met, you were headed for the year 2061 to retrieve some treasure you’d hidden on Halley’s Comet…” Well, that sure is a good piece of exposition dialogue that sorts everything out nicely. Samson sounds like a real hoot. He grabs Lois’ hand and plants a tender, full-lipped, spitty kiss, complimenting her on her Lois Lane-iness. Like she’s the greatest thing in the universe. This boring woman.

Speaking of weirdo strong guys that aren’t Superman, another shows up looking like Julius Caesar with an atrocious beard. “I swear by the everlasting snows of Olympus, Lois Lane, you’re practically dripping allure in yon clinging garment.”

Gross. Again.

This dude is Atlas. So Samson is the Samson. These dudes exist in the Superman universe, huh? Sounds annoying!

Superman struts up to the two of them as they continue verbally fondling Lois Lane. “Gentlemen, if you don’t mind, the lady’s with me.” Yeah, that’ll do it, bonehead. Like they’re just going to walk away now, throbbing boners in their hands. Sure.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

Boo. Screw all three of you, I’m spending the day with Joe Pesci.

So a Challenge of the Ages, is it? Sounds like a profound waste of everyone’s time. Especially Lois’, who would probably like to a eat a large chunk of Supercake right about now. “It’s simple,” says the goiter-necked Samson. “We’ll each of us perform a super-feat of strength in honor of Lois Lane. The most incredible feat wins her company.”

This is stupid. This issue is stupid.

Samson points out that he stopped Krull the Ugly Red Dinosaur. Atlas points out that he stopped Krull’s army. “There doesn’t seem much left for you to do, Superman!” Atlas guffaws! No Lois for Superman!

“Hmm…” Superman thinks hard, supersmoke pouring out of his ears. “Let’s get these would-be conquerors back to the center of the Earth where they belong.”

And so Superman and his crew travel to the center of the Earth to talk to more lizard people.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

Yes, Dino-Czar Tyrranko, sir! Right away, Dino-Czar Tyrranko, sir!

Out of nowhere, we see Superman striking deals with a large lizard with a neck sash and a scepter. Lois is amazed that the dinosaurs who avoided extinction had made a cozy little home in the core of the Earth! Wow! Amazing!

Samson is like “almost as amazing as this necklace I made out of uranium shit” and then puts it around her neck. Lois is overjoyed to be wearing radioactive rocks.

“Look, I’m genuinely flattered, guys – but you’d have to go a long way to outdo Superman.”

“Hah!” Samson spits. “A night on the town with Superman can never rival the date of a thousand lifetimes with time-travelling Samson!”

Keep it in your pants, Samson. He has already planned a meal of triceratops bourguignon and then some drinks while Jesus gets nailed to the cross. Atlas finds this humorous. He claims he will crush raw diamonds into wine, which sounds painful to drink indeed.

While Atlas and Samson take turns stroking their mighty schlongs, Superman pulls Lois aside for a moment. “I can’t believe you’re flirting with Samson and Atlas,” he says, giving her the ol’ stink-eye. “Well, maybe I’m just teaching you a lesson,” she responds. “Y’know? After the creepy and ridiculous impersonation of Clark Kent that started all this?”

Seems unfair that Lois has to dunk on Superman’s secret identity like that. His mom spent a lot of time dressing him up in his Clark Kent clothes!

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

For starters, Superman, you can go suck a kryptonite dick.

Samson has some news for Superman: he’s a time-traveler! He knows that Lois won’t be “his girl” for long. He has the documents right… here… now where are they?… aha, yes! *slaps coupon for Rice-a-Roni on the table*

Samson pulls out a newspaper. Front page headline: “SUPERMAN DEAD”

All because Superman had to go and eat the sun for a few minutes. Samson laughs at Superman’s impending death. LAUGHS!

Suddenly, Lois’ uranium jewelry starts glowing. Like, really glowing. Like 1000 pregnant women all at once. Atlas neglected to mention that he and Samson are being chased by the Ultrasphynx from which they stole the jewels.

While the room glows ever brighter, Samson lets Superman know that he will complete 12 super-challenges before his death. “The stuff of legend.” Creating life, escaping from the underverse, overthrow the tyrant sun. Stuff like that. Plus answering the unanswerable question. Probably something like “if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is–”

Whoops, there’s the Ultrasphynx! Right on time! It hoists Lois up by the jewels and demands that they be returned. A price will be paid for this breach of integrity. Lois appears to have fallen unconscious.

“LOIS! NO!” Superman screams while every vein in his ugly neck bulges uncomfortably.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

It’s. Like. Schrodinger’s. Cat. With. Less. Hairballs.

So now the Riddle of the Ultrasphynx! Answer correctly, Lois lives. Answer incorrectly, Lois dies. It’s all very black-and-white with the Ultrasphynx. Ready? If a tree falls in the f–

“You two morons stole that necklace, didn’t you?” Superman roars at the now cowering Samson and Atlas. Yes, and also they couldn’t fight the Ultrasphynx themselves, so they lured it to Superman to help! Gotcha! Heh heh…

“If she dies, you’re both on a one-way ticket to the Phantom Zone,” Superman says, eyes glowing red. That’s my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog level!

Anyway, what’s the goddamn riddle?

“Question: What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object?”

A submersible implodes! That’s what! HAHAHA! BARELY TOPICAL!

Lois’ eyes open up. Superman is stumped. But then…

“They surrender.”

…

The Ultrasphynx looks pissed. “Response acceptable.”

Lois is released from the Ubersphynx’s Megagrip, smoke coming off her little head. Whew, everything is back to normal. And no threads have been left untied. Let’s get a Stouffer’s and watch some Price is Right!

“Wait a minute!” yells Samson. “What about our contest? That’s hardly what you’d call a feat of strength, Superman.”

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

Durrrr. Daaarrrrrrr.

Atlas and Samson basically call the guy a chicken before he turns around and goes “THAT’S IT!” and challenges them to some hand-rasslin’ in the middle of a tiny archipelago. Lois basks on the rocks while Superman takes both these losers on at once.

He twists Samson’s arm out of its socket first, then slams Atlas’ down so hard that the rocks around them crumble.

Anticlimactic.

Lois is thrilled! That evening, in the moonlight, Lois jubilates about her wonderful birthday. She asks Superman that, while it’s obvious that she loves him, why does he bother with dull-as-dirt ol’ her?

“Well… I guess there has to be one thing I just can’t help, Lois.”

Anticlimactic. Again.

Then they kiss in the moonlight with their crotches pressed up against each other. Very PG-13.

Superman and Lois share a moment atop a roof, watching the moon. “…ahhhh…” Lois sighs orgasmically. “My birthday gift is starting wear off… big time.” Pfffft, that’s ok. Superman can just whip up another vial of Super Potion. Or, conversely, he can never ever do it again! Such is life, kiddo. “But thanks… for letting me live in your world for a day.”

THINK NOTHING OF IT, TOOTS. LET’S HAVE SOME SUPER SEX, THAT SHIT IS DOPE.

Lois is still not convinced that Superman is Clark, which is beyond idiotic at this point. Honestly. Lois falls asleep while asking where Clark Kent was all day anyway (idiotic).

Superman carries her off to bed and kisses her on the forehead.

Final Thoughts

I thought Lois Lane is supposed to be, like, really really smart? Why can’t she connect the dots here? Why would Superman even bother with a dingus like her?

Oh yes, that’s right, because he’s a dumb dingus too. See you all next time.


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