Still Alice (2014)

Tagline:
Live in the moment.

Wide Release Date:
January 16, 2015

Directed by:
Richard Glatzer, Wash Westmoreland
Screenplay by:
Richard Glatzer, Wash Westmoreland
Based on the novel by:
Lisa Genova
Produced by:
Lex Lutzus, James Brown, Pamela Koffler

Starring:
Julianne Moore
Alec Baldwin
Kristen Stewart
Kate Bosworth
Hunter Parrish

Still Alice

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Hey, I like Julianne Moore! Hey, I like movies about mental health! Hey, Alec Baldwin? Eh. Hey, Kristen Stewart? Eh. Hey, Silas from Weeds? LOL!

Anyway, good enough for me. Let’s get the ball rolling.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Alice is Alice! Through thick and thin, she is still Alice, and isn’t that what matters most? Julianne Moore is the titular Alice, an incredibly intelligent and accomplished 50-year-old professor of linguistics at fancy-ass Columbia University.

Still Alice

Welcome to Columbia! I’m going to unsuccessfully teach you all how to draw a clock.

Hints of memory degradation occur early on the movie: Alice forgets words during lectures, she gets slightly confused about her whereabouts during running. Sounds like early onset Alzheimer’s! It’s early onset Alzheimer’s! The movie goes through most of the stages of grief while as Alice struggles to cope with the news and her family attempts and struggles to support her. Alec Baldwin is her husband John, Kristen Stewart is her daughter Lydia, Kate Bosworth is her other daughter Anna, and Hunter Parrish is her son Tom.

Alice learns that this condition is genetic, and each child who has the gene has a 100% chance of developing the disease. Anna tests positive. Tom tests negative. Lydia opts out.

The one struggling the most with this is Lydia, who is already under a lot of pressure from Alice to be something more than she currently is: an aspiring actress. Their dynamic is just as you would expect. Lydia is often pressed between trying to be empathetic and getting frustrated with how Alice is treating her regardless.

Still Alice

Mom, stop bringing up the werewolves and the vampires! That was all in the past, I swear!

After the diagnosis, Alice spends her days doing what she can to slow down the deterioration. She makes notes and memorizes words to test herself on later. She even casually sets up a suicide plan for herself when she can no longer answer basic questions about herself or her family, recording a video message for herself to watch later and hiding a bottle of Rohypnol in her dresser.

Daily life becomes harder as time goes on. Alice becomes unable to remember her lectures and has to admit to her boss her condition. She gets lost looking for the bathroom. She introduces herself to Tom’s girlfriend twice in 20 minutes. She doesn’t recognize Lydia when she talks to her after a performance in a play.

Alice is presented with an opportunity to give a speech at an Alzheimer’s conference, which she personally writes and then delivers while using a highlighter for keeping track of her train of thought. This is pretty much the last thing she ever does as an academic before completely falling apart.

There’s a point where Alice stumbles upon the recording she made for herself and starts trying to carry out the instructions with difficulty, culminating in a botched accidental suicide. It was almost funny if it wasn’t so fucking sad.

Once it gets really bad, Alec Baldwin pusses out completely and decides to move to Minnesota for a career opportunity. It’s arranged for Lydia to (voluntarily) put her own aspirations on hold in order to move back home and take care of Alice.

Alice can barely speak by this time, but when Lydia reads a poem to her and asks what it’s about, she answers correctly: “love”.

Still Alice

Wow, Mom, you can interpret a poem. Big whoop, you demented husk you.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Alzheimer’s

Of course I’m going to talk about Alzheimer’s. Why wouldn’t I talk about Alzheimer’s?? This movie was about Alzheimer’s!

Alzheimer’s runs in my family. Not much else does. Cancer doesn’t, diabetes doesn’t, heart disease doesn’t, but Alzheimer’s does. Here’s how I feel about that: MIXED! I can see some pros and cons to the whole ordeal, the major one being no longer cognizant of your own mortality anymore. I’d give a lot for that one alone, it makes for the not being able to draw a clock anymore part of it!

My great-grandmother had dementia, and although people say that having it must be terrifying for the individual, she always seemed pretty chill with it. She’d watch a ton of Matlock and talk a lot about her pretty friends from school. How’s that for the sweet life?

Still Alice

I shot who in the what now?

TOPIC 2 — The Suicide Plan

Not that they made it a lighthearted throwaway gag about it or anything, but Alice planning her suicide was a little bit on the fucked up side. I wanna break this one down for a minute.

Alice doesn’t get too bent about it on-screen, but since her whole life has been about her academic career in the field of linguistics — the very field related to the part of the brain she’s losing — it’s understandable why she would gravitate toward that line of thinking eventually. Imagine being an Olympic runner your whole life, and then getting your legs chopped off and then thrown into the garbage right in front of you! It’s EXACTLY like that. You think suicide wouldn’t cross your mind.

The plan itself was well-enough thought out, too. I don’t know how suicide plans work, but isn’t it usually 1) I’m gonna buy a gun, and 2) I’m gonna eventually use this gun? Alice’s plan had a whole system of paths and tasks, it was quite impressive actually. It almost worked too, but then that pesky caregiver startled her and she forgot what she was doing.

Then there was the method. Swallow a whole bottle of pills? Did she have no respect for her future Alzheimer’s pickle-brained self? That sounds like it would give off warning sirens to anyone, but what do I know? I’m not demented yet. But, just for grins, let’s try another plan. Alice sets up a breadcrumb trail that leads to a pile of guns. And then the pile of guns explodes, blowing up the whole house and also the neighbor’s house. Now that’s cunning.

Still Alice

According to the Alec Baldwin Wikipedia page, it’s two counts of involuntary manslaughter! How about that?

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Co-director Richard Glatzer could not speak due to ALS. He directed the film using a text to speech app on an iPad. Julianne Moore and Kristen Stewart dedicated their “Ice Bucket Challenge” to Glatzer.
I was originally going to say something snarky like “can you think of a bigger act of slacktivism than these two prominent actors doing the Ice Bucket Challenge two years after people were done doing it?” but then I saw that 2014 WAS the Ice Bucket Challenge year. So I’ll shut my fool mouth!

Alice is shown as a compulsive “Words With Friends” player. Alec Baldwin, who portrays her husband, was booted off a plane before takeoff in 2011 because he refused to stop playing the game and power down his phone.
Alec Baldwin was so fucking furious about this that he shot a woman in the face seven years later.

This marks the second time Alec Baldwin has appeared in a movie with Alice in the title. The previous film was Alice (1990).
I don’t know, this struck me as very funny. What’s his next one going to be called? Yes, It’s Still Alice?

During one of Alice’s doctor visits she asks her primary care physician to fill a script for the sedative Rohypnol (flunitrazepam). The doctor obliges and Alice fills the prescription. In actuality, though, Rohypnol has been banned in many countries and has been illegal in the United States since 1996. It is not approved for medical use in North America.
Banned in the United States? Then how come I have so much of it in my Coke glass right now? zzzzzzz

Still Alice

Oh Alice. Slap some makeup on and you’d almost look like Julianne Moore.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It has occasional TV movie vibes, but I’m glad I watched it. The performances were very good, with Moore giving what may have been the best performance of her career. The emotional impact of watching someone who had everything waste away before your eyes was, at times, heart-wrenching, but they didn’t turn it at all into a sap-fest.

Watch it on Netflix on a Tuesday evening if you have nothing else to really do before bed.


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Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “High Wire Act”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #5 – “High Wire Act”! In the previous installment, Foggy and Murdock are somewhat successful on the new idea to consult clients into representing themselves, although Foggy worries that they’ll get a bunch of riff-raff as a result. Speaking of riff-raff, here’s some blind riff-raff: Austin Cao, a blind young man, was fired from his job as a translator for no reason whatsoever! Murdock will take the case, but it seems pretty fucking flimsy.

Also, as they speak, about a dozen sniper lasers are trained on both of them through the window. So some shit is going down and I am, as the kids say, “here for it”.

But not really.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [December, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“High Wire Act”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Flashback to one hour ago, which must be one hour in the past from the moment 900 sniper rifles were trained on our hapless hero and Austin Cao, the hapless kid. It seems that the Latverians were being a little too chatty in the office the other day and now they’re sleeping with the fishes! “New representatives are being sent. This doesn’t affect any aspect of the arrangement… except that it ties up all the loose ends.” This guy talking appears to be addressing some kind of office boss who is also a big crime boss. Not Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, but more like Tony “Who’s the Boss?” Danza. His name is Mr. “Boss Hog” Zachary, and he thinks all the loose ends are NOT tied up. Because guess what? That kid that was fired? The blind kid? Can speak 150 languages including Klingon and Ultra Klingon? He speaks Latverian. He probably heard something. So fuck his ass up.

The guy talking to Mr. Zachary just about poops his pants. “Austin Cao? No… no. That was… part of the problem, actually. He didn’t pay attention, his work was lax… I had to let him go. But he doesn’t know anyth–”

SILENCE, NERD. His record shows that he was a stellar employee. Always made coffee in the morning. Talked about Lost everyday at the water cooler even though the show ended 13 years ago. Didn’t fart up the office all day like Charlie over there in Human Resources. “So you didn’t fire him to protect him. You didn’t fire him hoping that would take him off our radar. Because if you did, a) it didn’t work, and b) there would be consequences.”

Ulp! Gulp! Brrrt! It was just a coincidence! He didn’t SEE it coming, lol! LOL! lol, sir!

Mr. Zachary’s assistant just got word that Austin Cao just got in contact with a lawyer. Well snap. Send an army of snipers post haste.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Do you want fries with that? A penny saved is a penny earned. You’re going to need a new carburetor. That Schindler’s List is a laugh riot. Frank is fucking the pineapple.

“When I first started as a crimefighter, I was nearly as deaf as I was blind,” Murdock muses, recounting the need to start tuning out all the sounds and voices that bombard his brain on a constant basis. Long story short, he doesn’t tune out shit like the sound of a cocking gun.

So Murdock tackles Austin to the floor without warning. Austin yelps like a goose as bullets fly through the window. He squirms while Murdock tells him to keep low and shut the hell up. Murdock stands behind the kitchen wall while mercenaries roam the hallway with night-vision goggles. One kicks down the apartment door, ready to blast the kid in the face with his assault rifle like this was Uvalde, Texas.

Murdock clicks on the light, overloading the night-vision goggles. Then he beats a pile of them up with his little cane and shit. Austin is cowering on the floor like a scared, honking goose. Murdock grabs his arm and they run down the hallway and out of the building.

After mulling over about 14 terrible options, it is decided to take a cab to Murdock’s sexy pad. It’s where Austin Cao can be “safe” from the “men” who are trying to “splatter his brains all over the wallpaper”. The snipers, meanwhile, start hoisting their barely-conscious asses up off the floor. “Sir? Targets escaped,” one of them tells Mr. Zachary.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Sir? I have one ticket to the gun show. Sir? I hear it’s going to be a blast.

Well, that guy gets his brains splattered all over the wallpaper. It’s time to bring in the big guns: some jerkass named Bruiser. He gets called up to take on Daredevil, and he smiles vilely at the thought of beating up some handicapped guy. We’ll see more of him later, I suppose. I’m not too interested in this guy, and frankly I’d like to see Matt Murdock get his ass whooped a little bit. He looks like he deserves it.

Murdock and Austin entire Murdock’s sexy pad, and Murdock levels with the kid. “Here’s my theory. Please note that I have amended it in view of the blatant attempt on your life. You did overhear something at the office you weren’t supposed to’ve. Why you were immediately fired rather than immediately riddled with bullets is still a mystery–”

Murdock throws on a Chet Baker album, really sealing the deal on this sexy evening, and demands that Austin remembers exactly what the Latverians said. Austin doesn’t remember. Murdock starts smacking him around the room, poking him with scissors, shoving a really hot lightbulb up his butt. Most of all, he makes Austin set up Murdock’s desk just like his own at work. Put everything in its exact spot: computer, lamp, wastebasket, dildo, and granola bars. He asks him exactly what kind of piping hot tea he had in his mug that morning. Ah yes, lemongrass! Exquisite!

*splashes scalding tea in Austin’s face*

But seriously, let’s use that ol’ smell-memory association! Now, let’s get the kid dressed for the part! Pink tie, fancy shoes. Wear everything that you wore that morning. Dildo up the butthole? If that’s what you were doing, that’s what you’re doing now too. Let’s make everything perfect.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

A shoulder rub will really set the mood!

Austin starts to remember: “Foreign registries. Through Latveria. They were sent by the Latverian government. They were whispering about closing a deal with us and… and… serpents? Some word unique to their language, but it reminded me of snakes…”

Oh come on kid. Murdock’s gonna slap you around again with this snake shit. And furthermore, w–

“Hydra.”

Ah, there it is! Those big bad guys with the dumb green henchmen that Captain America always fends off with a stick! Austin, you stay here and lube up your dick or whatever it is that you do on your off time. Murdock’s gonna go be Daredevil and talk to Austin’s old boss. Something smells fishy and it ain’t just the lube.

REMEMBER KIRSTEN MCDUFFIE? I sure don’t! Did we last see her all the way back in Issue #1? We see her home in the Upper West Side, where her angry, drinking husband/boyfriend Foggy Nelson (!) is ranting about how Matt Murdock couldn’t possibly be Daredevil because Murdock is BLIND and can barely eat a sandwich without bashing it all around his face! McDuffie says Murdock is faking the blindness. Foggy says he’s known Murdock for 800 years and he’s been blind the whole time!

Foggy suggests that McDuffie go on a date with Murdock. Prove to herself that he’s as blind as he says he is. Blind as a fucking bat, and not one of those seeing bats. Not like Batman, that guy has eyeballs.

Ah, McDuffie ain’t Foggy’s squeeze. That fat man has a blonde bombshell named Dina, and she’s McDuffie’s roommate.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Be warned that Matt Murdock likes it when women pee on him. The “thrill of not seeing it coming” gets him all worked up!

Eventually, Foggy decides that setting McDuffie up isn’t the greatest idea in the universe at all whatsoever! And this causes McDuffie to go “well I wanna go out with him now!” and so it shall be done.

Austin’s boss, Mr. Randall, is climbing aboard a yacht in the middle of the night while on the phone with his wife. She and the kids need to disappear before they get hella murdered. Meanwhile, he’ll be Boat Man. He’ll boat off into the sunset. Boat-style.

Daredevil shows up, tells him that Austin is fine, and that he’s here to protect him too just as he protected Austin! DAWWWW!! ISN’T THAT FUCKING ADORABLE! *CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE*

So, Daredevil explains out loud how he knew that Austin was fired as a protective measure, and now he needs to know from Mr. Randall himself exactly what Austin overheard. Latveria. Hydra. This is big-time shit, man. Like 18 Pablo Escobars wrapped up in an El Chapo.

So I just read through a lot of law-type mumbo-jumbo and have settled on this: Midas, Austin’s company, is using Latveria to secretly operate dozens of shell companies and holding subsidiaries to move around trillions of dollars! Crime! CRIME!! Crime that’s hard to catch and convict and persecute and use courtrooms and juries about!

OK, here’s the deal Mr. Randall: You’re gonna figure out how to stop this single-handedly while Daredevil works on keeping him and Austin from not getting dead. That’s a VERY fair tradeoff.

A nearby ship is on a collision course. Daredevil fears that it’ll hit them with a torpedo or a bomb or a barrage of Nerf darts, but it’s none of those. It’s just some large dude who lands his 1,600-lb bulk onto the yacht and puts Daredevil in a chokehold. It’s Bruiser. Daredevil can’t escape the chokehold. He starts crying and blubbering like a sad newborn giraffe.

Long story short, Bruiser throws Daredevil off the boat and the boat speeds away with the hapless Mr. Randall stuck on it. Without any lube!

Final Thoughts

God, I hate it when boats get involved. Especially when boats speed away. It’s rude as heck and I’m so mad that I’m going to end this post before I even finish this senten


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Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4

* Part 4 of 5 of the Tales of the Vampires limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Tales of the Vampire, Issue #4! In the previous installment, Roche tells a couple more stories.

A vampire father spends the rest of his son’s life continuing to love him and care for him… until a Slayer stakes him at his son’s deathbed.

Buffy and two more Slayers confront Dracula, who had put Xander in a trance as his personal slave. Per Dracula, his time with Xander were the best years of his life. Dracula dies old and friendless!

Meanwhile, little Watcher-bound Edna continues to be both suspicious AND attracted to Roche. I mean… no, not attracted to Roche. Gross. But attracted to the idea of Roche and his vampire-edness. Edna’s gonna get hella bitten on purpose, you can take that one to the bank and put it in your pipe and suck my dick.

Fun series! Let’s continue!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4 [March, 2004]

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4

“Tales of the Vampires Part IV” – Joss Whedon

“I tell them stories. And they swallow them like the complacent fat lambs tha–”

“Wait.”

Edna interrupts Roche’s little diatribe, which he takes in stride. “I have a tale I want to hear,” she says defiantly.

This girl, Roche thinks. I will work her mouth into an O of agony. “Anything.”

The other children whisper amongst themselves. Some think that Edna’s gonna anger Roche so badly that he’ll break his chains and eat their livers and their bones. “I might just bite her myself,” says one of the hooligans.

“You’ve gone on about your massacres and your blood-soaked triumphs and we’re terribly impressed, truly we are. But you’ve told us nothing of yourself,” Edna says simply. “How did you become a beast?”

Roche frowns at this. It must be an embarrassing tale, like “I tripped and fell on this one sleeping vampire’s teeth”. He even admits that his life as a human isn’t worth talking about. He was a cobbler in France. He sucked at it, but he worked hard. Cobblin’ shoes. Deliverin’ orders after sunset. That sort of thing, hint hint. There was a plague going on at the time, so everyone hunkered down and said their prayers and ate their Kid Cuisines without much whining.

The last thing Roche saw was his sire’s beautiful shoes! Ah, a sight to behold! Verily.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4

Looking good, Pointy.

Edna asks what his sire was like while the other children facepalm and cringe. “A giant of a man… finely attired. But with the beast stamped clearly on his bearded face. Magnificent. Had the power to mesmerize, a power known to so few of us. Showed me worlds.”

Yeah, this Roche guy totally fucked his sire. Boned him right in the butt, not that there is anything wrong with vampire bonin’ at all.

But this is when Edna realizes that they’re not here to learn from Roche at all. They’re here to be lambs to the slaughter! The kid named Roger gets too close and Roche grabs his twiggy little neck…

“Dust Bowl” – Jane Espensen

Western Kansas, 1933. It’s desolate and shitty on the farm, with no crops to speak of growing anywhere! Anywhere! But they will, because the soil is still oh-so fertile and the Dust Bowl hasn’t actually happened yet. A teenage boy named Joe Cooper wakes up in bed, Dracula posters adorning his walls. “There is no wonder in this boy. He knows what he is and what he will be.”

The life a farmer doesn’t have much wiggle room for career growth, that’s for sure. Joe plows the fields, his mother feeds him and cares for him. Out in the field, they both look off in the distance. The horse gets scared. There is a plume of smoke rising up into the air from afar. “He tells her to get back in the house. They know that a little rain won’t hurt. But this storm has no rain.”

The horse runs away, and they trust that she’s headed for the barn. The blinding dust picks up, and Joe tells his mother to turn on the porch light for him to find his way back. Joe checks on the cows and sees a man nearby just standing there and staring at him. “They see these men more and more these days. Wandering men.”

Later, Joe arrives back home and learns that his mother has taken the man in. What nonsense is this!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4

He just asked for something called “neck stew”, whatever that is!

So, the next morning, Joe wakes up, washes his face, and comes down for breakfast. “Joe asks her if the man has already moved on. He asks her if she is all right.”

“You thirsty?” she responds. “I’m thirsty.”

GLOWING RED EYES OH NO

Ma turns around and lunges for her son, all fangy and such. “She is only asking for a hug from her son,” narration claims as she bites the fuck out of his neck. “Even without the light of consciousness, it is an instinct. Feeding from one’s mother,” narration claims as he drinks her blood back.

Can vampires run a farm? Do they even care about the cows anymore??

He wakes up a 2 o’clock. AM? PM? What’s the difference, time is a construct! “The last thing he remembers is that she changed somehow. That she asked to hold him. He wonders why her dress is torn. Was it that man?”

Ma rambles and yammers about being one and the same, how they’re strong, how they thrive in the dark now, yada yada yada. Joe is unnerved to no end! He picks up a piece of wood and stabs her in the chest. She implodes in a cloud of dust. Dust outside, dust inside, what’s the difference? Dust is a construct!

Joe walks outside, where it is indeed 2pm and the dust covers the harmful sun. “All that dust does make a person thirsty,” he thinks as he chews on some cows for a bit.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4

Mmm…steaky…

Joe runs inside and looks at the Dracula poster in his room. Eureka! It’s vampire time, friends.

When the sky begins to clear, Joe decides to visit a friend named Sal. Short for Sally. Not Salvador, as I originally thought! She lives in the next farm over. “She is a good sort of girl. Sal wonders why he was on fire, but sees no reason to panic.” That blasted sunshine! Burning everyone up to blazes and back, y’heard?

“Joe tells her not to be afraid. That he is going to turn her into one like him.” Like hell you are, Joey old boy. She’s– oh wait. She’s a bloody fucking mess on the floor now. “He waits, but she does not rise.” Joe frowns forlornly. “He is missing some part of the equation.”

Joe carries the dead girl and tries to bury her in the yard after dark, but the wind keeps blowing dirt back into the hole with every shovelful. He tries to set up a wooden cross, but it burns him as soon as he assembles it, the poor demon lad.

He wonders if the cow blood isn’t satiating enough. He has no one around to ask! Maybe he needs human blood? But there’s no one around. Frown.

He decides to rent out his mother’s room to any poor sucker who agrees to hang out with this blowjob. A grateful man agrees. He dies. A family’s car breaks down in the dust. They all die. He keeps the bodies in a pen he built in the barn.

“It’s just another kind of ranching.”

“Taking Care of Business” – Ben Edlund

“A vampire loves candy. All sweetness and no substance.” Sounds like me! Har har haaaaar!! He peruses the candy rack of a store, relishing in the fact that candy has advanced beyond dumb shit like pralines. What the fuck is a praline, anyway?

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4

Yeah, no. Sorry, pal, you’re a strong case against it.

This creep is salivating over gummi worms while the cashier is unnerved and ready to call the police for the inevitable weird sex crimes. A priest walks into the convenience store, and Fedora Trenchcoat Jones smiles devilishly.

You see, this guy has spent a lot of his days targeting the men of the cloth. The churchy leaders. At first it was his own denomination, but then he decided that ALL faiths were worthy of his attack. Fuck tha church! “God’s answer to their hubris.”

This priest that walked into the store, though. This guy is different. “But for some reason – I want to talk to him. Tell him what I’ve done. Tell him what I am…”

He tells him he used to be tall!

Whew, that’s a load off of his mind. What a confession!

Fedora Trenchcoat Jones has a couple hundred little cross scars all over his surprisingly jacked body. He used to be tall, but that was six centuries ago. Now he’s the height of a preteen girl. “Was like you once,” he tells the rather plump Father. “Said my Marys, read my bible. A priest.”

During the Inquisition. When these jagoffs would kill women constantly. Those were the good ol’ days, certainly. “Though we did sentence at least one real witch. Heh… believe me, we wouldn’t have known, but a friend of hers stopped our caravan.”

“A vampire.”

This vampire… let’s call him Ladybug (that’s not in the comic, that’s me deciding that!)… he made short work of the caravan for serious. Then he turned on our loveable protagonist. “It took me decades to understand why he gave me his curse. That it wasn’t him, but God who wanted me this way.”

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #4

Guh! Buh!… Fuh?

Mr. Self-Mutliating Vampire is yap-yap-yapping and this priest ain’t even batting an eye! What gives! “In the face of his own death… he’s eating candy.”

Yeah, it’s God. You already saw the panel.

“Sure,” says God, “humanity has always been mixed up about what I want. That doesn’t mean you’ve got me pegged. Nobody does! I’m God, me-dammit!” He smiles. “I mean, what the hell could you know about it? I’m the original mystery man!”

The vampire has been groveling on his knees since the revelation, but God ain’t having it. He kindly asks the sick, twisted, little vampire / anime fan to lie down in the desert and wait for the sun to come up.

The vampire agrees that this is a good idea. For God Himself asked him to!

Twist! It’s just some guy named Hollis Avery who is off his meds. The cops come pick him up.

“Where the hell did you get that outfit?”

“Mail order. I met a vampire tonight, Sheriff.”

“That so? And what happened?”

“I think my Jesus beat his Napoleon.”

“Still crazy as a June bug, ain’t ya, Hollis?”

“I’m just the way God made me, Sheriff…”

Final Thoughts

This is a good series! What can I say! I can’t even make fun of it! It’s well-written and thought-provoking.

One more to go, then I can read about Angel jerking off Spike. Or would it be the other way around?


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Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7

* Standalone Issue *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7! A special standalone story featuring Obi-Wan Kenobi awaits! In fact, I won’t even break down the synopsis for the first storyline. I’ll just wait until the next storyline starts proper!

Also, because I’m lazy today. *shrug*

Here’s an important takeaway from the previous story: Luke discovered an old journal in Kenobi’s shitty shotgun shack. A journal that was deliberately placed for Luke to find. The comic boldy claims that “what follows is an excerpt from the journal.”

(no)

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7 [September, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7

Oh boy! Oh boy, oh boy! “Dear Diary – Today I was keeping an eye on Luke and then I went home and jerked it. I’m so lonely.”

A moisture farmer is getting raided by Bad Guys at the behest of Jabba the Slutt. The farmer cries and wails about having no other water, and no food, and about seventeen kids to feed, and a bidet to keep their buttholes fresh as a daisy, but this raider doesn’t care! He doesn’t care! How rude could you be?

One dude grabs a jug and glugs down what I assume to be a month’s worth of water. Just gluggin’ it down. “We’ll be back tomorrow to collect more taxes,” says Jabba’s minion. “Until then… I suggest you all get back to work!”

Guess what, fuckbag. A dude in a brown robe approaches, and he’s making a mean fist. As hard as it was to become a Jedi… it was even harder to stop being one.

Then the mysterious dude in a brown robe keeps on walking through.

But I did.

Welcome to the Great Drought of Tatooine! It sucks ass, and Kenobi is already kinda old, and he hasn’t even fondled his lightsaber in years. I wasn’t General Obi-Wan Kenobi anymore. I was no longer a Jedi Master. I was only Ben.

Life as a former Jedi was boooooooring. For one thing, no pussy. For another thing, no pussy. For one more thing, there was nothing to really do. One day blurred into the next. The desert is awful. Everything sucks the big wad. “Instead of Sith Lords and bounty hunters, my days were spent battling monotony and inactivity.” What he wanted to do was train young Luke, but his uncle never let him. All work and no play makes Luke a dull boy, I always say.

Well, maybe if Obi-Wan didn’t FUCK UP trying to train one Skywalker, he’d be allowed to train another! Zing!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7

Ben the Jewel. Ben the National Treasure. Ben the Apple of My Eye.

Jedi or no Jedi, ol’ Ben Kenobi promised one thing: to protect some little pisspants named Luke Skywalker. So he did. A lot.

“Whose place is this?”

“The Lars family. According to the records, they’ve… never paid their water tax. How did we let that happen?”

“We’ll make up for it right now. Take every last drop.”

So Kenobi intervenes in his ratty, 400-year-old robe. “It’s too hot for death wishes, old man,” says one of Jabba’s henchmen. “Move along and die of thirst like everybody else.”

Nah. Kenobi tried a Jedi mind trick, but it fails. I’ve never seen it work once since the “these are not the droids you’re looking for” scene. Why does he even fucking try? It’s always like “I’m a Krullinianian Vorplorp, such tricks don’t work on me!”

It’s very frustrating to watch this Luke Skywalker kid help farm the moisture. He’s supposed to be more than just a moisture farmer. He can farm the moisture from my butt, for all I care. This kid was destined for GREATNESS! Like hangin’ with Yoda on Dagobah. Or whining his way into losing his dang hand.

Stupid Jabba. Stealing everyone’s water. What does he need water for anyway? Someone oughta salt that slug.

Kenobi hangs around meditating. Floating bones up in the air for some reason. Jedi-ing when he shouldn’t be.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7

Qui-Gon Jinn never really knew what he was doing. Fading away is supposed be in the top three Jedi things.

Later, in that one town in Tatooine where you can deal with trade merchants and get shivved for your baubles, Ben Kenobi tries to trade in a bunch of stupid rocks. “You must be heat-crazed, old man. People here need water. You can’t drink from a stone. Get outta my tent.”

Oh ho ho HO HO HO HO! HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! These aren’t just any stones. They’re black melons! There’s really disgusting fucking milk inside it, but the Tusken Raiders have been drinking the milk for years and THOSE guys are enviable beasts! And–

Oh shit, Jabba’s men have shown up to tell all these marketgoers to get the fuck back to their homes. While trying to shoot the civilians down, Ben Kenobi raises up his hand and jams all their guns at once. This gives the civilians enough time to jump their convoy and take back all the precious, precious, salty, poop-filled Tatooine water.

”I shouldn’t have done that, and I knew it. There was too much at risk. After that day… I decided it was best if I didn’t go into town anymore.”

So he didn’t. He did all his grocery shopping through Amazon from that point forward. He feels like there’s no nobility in hanging around this ugly planet doing nothing while people die and suffer. “I cannot fight as a Jedi. I cannot train the boy. I am lost here, Master.” Old Ben’s talking to himself again. Poor, poor old Ben. Poor old scrambled-eggs-for-brains Ben.

Oh shit! At that moment, Ben senses a disturbance in his pants. Owen and Beru Lars have grabbed their lanterns and are now looking for Young Lucas. The little scamp must have run off with the other Tatooine ruffians that plague the blasted lands. And, wouldn’t you know it? He and Jabba’s cronies have just crossed paths.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7

Fresh meat, Boys! A real piece of Hammill!

“I caught him trying to steal water off the Speeder,” says one.

“That right, kid? You were trying to steal Jabba’s water?”

Luke just scowls like he’s about to Avada Kedavra these bitches into oblivion. “It’s not Jabba’s. It belongs to the farmers. I was taking it back.”

OH HOOOO!!! HO HO HO!! HO HO HO!! CHEEKY LITTLE BOY WE’VE GOT HERE. CHEEKY CHEEKY CHEEKY. He ain’t afraid of nobody, man. One time his physics teacher Mr. McNally threw an eraser at him and Luke didn’t even duck!

“Throw him in the back with the jugs.” The dude points his thumb behind him, motioning toward the jugs. The jugs, man. The jugs.

Suddenly, without warning, the lights all explode on the Speeder. Then something invisible grabs hold of a guy and starts dragging him across the dirt. Then something invisible grabs another guy and launches him to *checks the star charts of the Star Wars Galaxy* …Mars.

Heads get crashed to the ground. Guns fly out of hands. Atomic wedgies get passed around like bread rolls at the dinner table. “YOU HEAR ME OUT THERE?!” One droid starts desperately yelling into the open desert. “WE HAVE THE BOY! STAY BACK OR WE KILL HIM! I SWEAR TO YOU, I WILL GUT HIM LIKE A BANTHA AT–”

Boom. Crash. Rocks. Broken droids. Force-related retaliation. Pretty soon, all the bad guys have been thoroughly taken care of and an unconscious Luke Skywalker is cradled in a (conscious) Ben Kenobi’s arms.

Kenobi drops the kid off at daybreak with an air of “fuck this kid” hanging over him.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #7

Dropped him on the ground like the bag of trash that he is.

Luke remembers none of it.

”The farmers got their water back. Enough to survive a bit longer. About a week later, the drought finally lifted and their vaporators started churning again. Jabba was enraged and vowed to scour the desert to find the thief. But no one knew who he was. Not the guards he’d beaten or the farmers he’d helped. No one knew what he looked like. No one knew what to call him.”

We end with Luke reading the end of the book, spirits lifted!

“I don’t know where we’re headed buddy,” Luke says as R2-D2 pilots their starcraft. “…but I’m working on it.”

Final Thoughts

The more I read about Obi-Wan Kenobi dedicating his life to keeping an eye on Luke on Tatooine, the more of a complete idiot I believe he actually is. All Luke did was kill millions of people, mostly innocent low-level employees on the Death Star who didn’t know any better. The Jedi didn’t need to return! The Jedi can suck it!

“All very good points, Tom.” Yes, indeed. See you folks next time.


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Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 12 – “God”

* Part 4 of 9 of Vol. 2 – “Confluence” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 12: “God”! In the previous installment, L is Ryuuzaki, a twitchy kid with huge eyeballs who speaks to the remaining Kira investigation team about the facts and the next steps on New Year’s Eve. L gains their confidence. They move forward.

Raito goes over the last few weeks to make sure he hasn’t yet made any mistakes. Meanwhile, Raito’s biggest mistake heads over to the police office to discuss her fiancée’s disappearance! Things are really starting to break bad! Like that TV show.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“God”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12

Fiancée of Penber is still on the case! “This is the other truth,” she says, without stating a first truth, “Kira doesn’t have to kill with heart attacks.”

Say, that is quite alarming! Someone should tell James Gandolfini before he… oh.

The Yagami household is always a bustling madhouse. His mother asks his sister, Sayu, to bring Father’s clean laundry to him. Obviously, Mr. Yagami has neither the working legs nor the adequate arm strength to carry his own clean shirts.

Oh, never mind, Director Yagami is still at the hotel? Or perhaps his office? And his wife wants one of their children to bring him the clothes instead of, oh I don’t know, coming home and packing his own bag of new clothes? Weird.

Raito volunteers to bring them to his father. Maybe he wants to strangle him with a plaid button-down. OR, more likely, Raito wants to soak up some juicy info at the police station! He won’t be able to get past the front desk secretary, but maybe a little Rohypnol will grant him some access. Heh heh. *shakes bottle*

Raito removes the Death Note from his needlessly elaborate hiding place and squirrels it away for later. You never know how many cops you’ll need to murder as you take your dad’s laundry across town, I always say.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12

How very odd. Father never abandons his phone while he excuses himself to go take a massive dump.

God, the kid needs to take public transportation? All this for a couple of clean shirts? Nuts. I’d throw them in the sewer.

He tries to give Pops a call and it goes to his voicemail. Wondering if his dad is in a very important boss-man police officer super secret cop-ass meeting, he shuffles toward the station with his hands in his trench coat pockets looking entirely conspicuous. Like Eric Harris or, if you will, Dylan Klebold.

GUESS WHO’S AT THE FRONT DESK? Why, it’s Ms. Leather Jacket and her fistful of “Kira killed my fiancé and I’m going to wring his scrawny Raito Yagami neck about it”. Eek! She demands to speak to any investigators on the case. Any of them at all! It doesn’t matter who. Just somebody who will listen. Not a clock-puncher or a wife-beater please. None of that.

“I already told you,” says one of the secretaries, “There’s nobody at the headquarters from the Kira case right now.”

“I made an appointment yesterday,” she responds with NOT EVEN A MODICUM of patience, “Why aren’t they here?”

Why not indeed? Are they too busy sticking their penises through buckets of popcorn and taking turns pretending to be surprised and stroking them? Even Raito, who is overhearing this conversation, finds it odd that his old man is nowhere to be found at his office AND he ain’t picking up his phone. Very curious! VERY VERY CURIOUS! Maybe he’ll just wash up on the beach with a slit throat because he pissed off the Yakuza! Or, you know, the popcorn thing.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12

He had to outsmart eleven whole other letters first! That’s impressive!

Raito nudges his way beside who I’m just to start calling Faye Penber until she gets a motherfucking name. He tells the secretary that he’s Director Yagami’s son and to give these to him: *tosses shirts into a lump on the desk*

The secretary recognizes him, but Raito doesn’t have time to remember every single mouthbreather who works behind the desk at his father’s place of business! No matter, he’s notorious ‘round these parts for helping them solve “last year’s insurance case”. It probably had something to do with Blue Cross Blue Shield completely screwing the employees over with massive deductibles and terrible copays! A legend!

Raito stares at the guy, then makes a very rude point to really tell this guy that really doesn’t know who he really is. Like, at all. He could be a blow-up doll for all he cares. A blow-up doll for him to fuck. So, know your place.

This secretary is still smiling at Raito like a muppet. “Do you have any ideas for the Kira case?” he asks excitedly. Oh, man, uggh. “Well, if my guesses are right, I could have outsmarted L,” he says smugly. I just want to tear into this kid with my fists. Just perforate him with my pointy brass knuckles.

Raito finally notices (or maybe already noticed but he’s playing the LONG CON) the woman standing next to him in the shiny leather jacket. He fumbles for a moment and then says “My father is the head of the investigation.” Oooohhhh, YOUR FATHER huh?! DO TELL! Raito’s like “do you want me tell him that you were waiting because that won’t help either, lol”

Especially since he can’t even get a hold of him either… (hint: Director Yagami is most certainly decaying on a hotel room floor right now while L sticks his grubby little genitalia into his… yeah, never mind)

BUT, Raito does start telling Faye Penber all sorts of confidential information about the case. The kind of confidential information that only someone who was Kira would know! OR, the kind of confidential information that only the son of the director of the case would know if the director of the case blabbed his goddamned mouth so hard that he’ll get the electric chair.

“Ever since members of the FBI died many investigators became afraid of Kira,” Raito tells her with a convincing expression of wide-eyed childlike concern. “A bunch of them resigned, and I think the rest are taking a break now.”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12

Such an innocent Kira. Such a soft, juicy, delectable Kira…

The secretary is like, what the fuck are you doing? Shut the fuck up, you idiot. You’re going to get literally the entire country killed with your diarrhea mouth. Raito doesn’t care, the whole public is worried and talking about it anyway. Everyone should blab all they want, Kira’s not gonna kill the nice people. Maybe. It depends on how itchy his pen hand gets!

Plus, Raito trusts this lady because she’s “smart and quiet”, which are the prerequisites for slightly misogynistic earned trust! Once daddy calls him back, he can let her know what’s what. K?

Faye Maye Norma Rae Penber is suspicious, but warily allows Raito to get involved with her sad little mission.

“This lady might have some important evidence. You’re in trouble,” Ryuuku tells his human companion with glee.

Oh, silly goose. Raito is already a few steps ahead of this one. Do not underestimate the power of pimply teenagers. They will stop at nothing to get into a woman’s pants! I mean, throw this woman off the trail.

Raito and Faye sit together in the lobby waiting for the phone to ring. Raito makes note of the security cameras everywhere, so he can’t just stand up right now and strangle her with piano wire. So he leans forward and starts mumbling sweet nothings like “Kira must have some scary supernatural powers”. That’s a great conversation starter. I should try that if I ever have to date again and I take her out to Panera Bread.

Well, duh, Faye’s been thinking the same thing. They should find a secure place to commit statutory rape. I mean, chat about Kira.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12

Look kid, do NOT relieve your terminal horniness anyway NEAR me.

They find a secure place to chat right outside a big building where two thousand people can hear. Faye asks for the kid’s name and he answers like an autistic weirdo, giving her his place of residence and where the name comes from and how it’s written. It means “Night God Moon”! Cool, huh?

WE FINALLY LEARN THIS WOMAN’S NAME. Goodbye Faye, that’s a dead name now. Say hello to Maki Shouko (or Shouko for those of you who get all discombobulated with firsty lasty switcheroo). Her name means “Space Wood Reflection Child”. Ryuuku laughs at this. I’m too bewildered to laugh myself. One day someone is going to yell at me about this paragraph, and it might be you! If you do, please do me a favor, would you? Kindly throw a fuck into yourself, ok? Thank you in advance.

Raito tells Shouko that Kira can also control the victim’s actions, not just kill them. Not only has she already figured this out too, she has also constructed a theory: Kira can kill people with more than just heart attacks.

Ha, great theory. Smart as a whip. Too bad Raito knows her name. That’s going to really bite her on the anus soon enough. Raito is intrigued, though. Very intrigued. He pretends to find this to be a revelation. Shouko is convinced that they’ll be able to catch him with these obvious clues.

“I have a friend who may have found Kira,” she says, confiding in this sneaky little child that she has only know for 15 minutes.

“Found Kira? Ha ha ha! Sorry, but if you told those cops that you found Kira none of them would believe you.”

Why you little… you snot-nosed piece of… grrrr! I’m gonna… you’re gonna get flipped like a fucking omelet you… you… *turns purple*

“Yeah…” she concedes. Sounds about right. That’s why she doesn’t want to talk to the useless cops who are probably taking turns squatting on traffic cones. She wants to talk to the Kira Investigation Team. They’re on the ball. Not on the cone, as it were.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12

That’s right. Not Jaye Kenper. Not Maye Fenfer. Certainly not Taye Diggsfner. We’re talking about the Raye Penber!

Raito asks why her friend can’t just talk to the police himself. And he wasn’t expecting to hear that it was Raye Penber, Mr. FBI Man, who can’t talk to the police himself. It’s because he was killed by Death himself! Or Kira. Whatever. I keep forgetting.

“He said he got involved in a bus hijacking,” Shouko continues, “If I’m on the right track, Kira was also on the bus.”

Raito stops in his tracks, looking like he’s sweating in his underoos and farting in them too and… yes… yes, he’s also pooping. Shouko noticed that he had stopped in his tracks and asks him if he’s ok. HAHA, YES, OF COURSE, JUST SWEATING AND FARTING AND POOPING OVER HERE.

“But why do you think your fiancée met Kira on the bus?” Raito asks, quite nosy. And, in typical Death Note fashion, she goes over all the details we already know just to prove that she has figured it out. I will not write it here again. I won’t!

Plus, the other 11 FBI agents died too. FBI agents don’t just DIE in packs! At least, I don’t think they do??? Then 20 lesser criminals died. Then a ladybug. And here we are. All part of Kira’s plan. His tangled spider web of murder and deceit. And one tangled ladybug as well.

“Doesn’t that strike you as strange,” Shouko asks him, and the face he makes as a response just screams “HOT TOPIC DOESN’T HAVE ANY BAD RELIGION SHIRTS IN STOCK”.

It’s all part of Kira’s plan! Good God Damn, woman, we KNOW this already! WE KNOW THIS! WE KNOW THAT YOU FIGURED IT OUT! Just say “I figured it out” and we can assume you figured it all out! Stop talking about it!

Perhaps even the hijacking was orchestrated by Kira to get more information about the FBI! Perhaps, even, the orchestration was backed by its own orchestra! Listen to this: *pulls up phone* *plays Leonard Bernstein conducting the Swarthy Hillbilly Philharmonic’s rendition of Ludwig Sebastian Shostakovich’s 17th Symphony in R minor* … See?

Raito stops in his tracks again. This bitch is starting to really make him mad. “Isn’t that a bit far-fetched?” he asks her, mind reeling with panic and thoughts about getting into her pants by first taking off his own pants and then taking off her pants and then, in turn, putting on her pants and being in her pants.

Shouko not only thinks it’s not far-fetched, but it’s unmistakably near-fetched!

And here’s the smoking gun. The thing that brings it all together:

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 12

Aha! The plot thickens! And it’s also full of lumps!

Kira needs to know names and faces, right? Raye didn’t die until right after the bus hijacking! Check and mate, you little turd. Raito looks like he’s trying to pass a watermelon. He had to show his badge! He had to help stop a bad man from doing bad things!

Yeah, well, sonny, everything is supposed to be super top secret and, also, Pop Secret. Showing a badge on a bus to stop a criminal? Nonsense!

OK, fine. Raito now decides to play curious. “So you’re saying, in order to make him reveal his identity, Kira staged the hijacking? And the hijacker died in an accident? This is why you think Kira has many methods?”

Listen, you emotional woman. Relax. Calm down. And smile more. We get that you’re trying to avenge the death of your Penber boy toy, but “these clues contain a lot of bias, and no solid evidence”.

BUT, they could help with the investigation anyway! Wubba lubba dub dub! “The current investigators are completely lost, but with you *jabs Shouko unnecessarily hard in the chest* there might be a chance.”

“If your conjectures are right,” he continues, “then we should catch Kira in no time. Because, if you are right, the person who saw your fiancé must be Kira.

Raito side-eyes behind him with so much self-satisfaction that I can smell his farts through my screen. Shouko and Ryuuku trail behind him. “If this woman told this to the police,” Raito thinks, smiling, “seems like a God other than a Shinigami must be standing behind me.”

Final Thoughts

What is this kid up to?!?! What’s he gonna do! My guess is a little Dance Dance Revolution? The time is ripe!


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