Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”! I don’t know what the hell a “Smugglers’ Moon” is, but it sounds intriguing, dangerous, sexy, and downright moony. I can’t wait.

I should’ve recapped the previous storyline in the previous standalone Obi-Wan Kenobi installment, but I was lazy and now I don’t remember a thing about it!

Oh wait, yes I do. In the previous storyline, in the wake of Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star, Luke, Han, and Leia destroy the largest Empire weapons base in the galaxy. Darth Vader trounces Luke handily and causes Luke to doubt his abilities to do anything Jedi-related at all, like join Jedi meetings, learn the secret Jedi handshake, and fuck various Jedi-sanctioned space prostitutes. Meanwhile, Han and Leia escape the Imperial officers and attempt to find a habitable planet for their new Rebellion base.

They do.

But then Han Solo’s wife shows up! D’oh!

I hope there’s a lot of sheepish Han Solo in these next five issues. That’s worth the price of admission alone, I’ll bet.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8 [October, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 1)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Luke Skywalker looks like Carol Brady on the cover. I wanna give him a kiss.

An unnamed planet near the Monsua Nebula. In an uncharted region of the Outer Rim. A fleet of starfighters and one of them big ol’ ships speed along. Star Destroyers? Anyway, the unnamed planet has been infiltrated by two unauthorized vessels. Hostile, I might add. Vessels that are ready to gnash their teeth and throw their Nintendo controllers across the room at any moment now. “The atmosphere is rife with electrical storms that have so far rendered our scanners inoperable,” declares the captain of the Star Destroyer. “Nevertheless, we suspect the ships are still hiding below.”

The starfighters are ordered to, like, nosedive into the planet for no reason kamikaze style. Long live the Empire!

Meanwhile, on the unnamed planet’s unnamed surface, a few named individuals are now bickering over a dubious claim of domestic relations. “Wife?!” yells Princess Leia of Alderaan Which Got Blown to Pieces. What the hell is this about, you tramp?

Han wants to know how Sana found him. Sana says Han is pathetically predictable. “All I had to do was leave a probe in this planet’s orbit.” Well, that’s actually wholly uninteresting and anti-climactic. Apparently, these two lovebirds used to visit this planet all the damn time. Way to go, Han Solo. You really know how to hide from hostile opponents!

Sana pecks the unwilling Han on the mouth. “Ugh!” he yells as she shoves his head away. “She’s a bit scrawny for your tastes, isn’t she?” Sana scolds while looking Leia up and down. Undressing her with her very eyes. Leia decides to walk away while the married couple sorts things out. Han is like “WAIT, COME BACK, I WANNA BONE YOU STILL. OK?”

And, of course, as a bounty hunter, Sana recognizes Leia’s name. For, you see, she’s got a big bounty on her head! It’s all coming together like peanut butter and jelly-flavored whiskey. “The rich princess in trouble. Yeah, Han could never resist those,” Sana smiles, aiming her gun at them and looking through her scope. “How many times has he rescued you? Bet he even turned down the reward.”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Look, we could play “who is whose wife?” all damn day! It’s a zero-sum game!

Han keeps insisting the Sana isn’t his wife. Sana insists that she has the documents to prove it: marriage license, marriage certificate, a napkin with “Sana is my wife” scrawled in Han Solo’s shitty chicken scratch. “Why are you doing this, Sana? Why are you even here?” Han whines. It’s because it’s time for him to wrap up his little charade. And furthermore, th–

Oh shit, are those TIE bombers up there, barely visible through the thick-ass Unnamed Planet atmosphere? Niceknowin’ya-byebye!!

Leia tells Sana to shoot her if she wants her husband back, for all she cares. Sana doesn’t shoot her, but she does order someone in her ship to blow up Han/Leia’s ship into an explosion of flaming wreckage! Ha! Take that, adulteress!

“Sana, stop this! What do you think you’re doing?” shouts the hapless Han Solo. This guy isn’t used to having the lower hand, eh? No upper hand for this guy. No hand at all, Jerry. No hand.

What Sana says next is loud and clear: she and Han will give up Leia to the Imperials, and then Han will come crawling back to Sana! Everyone cool with that plan? Ladies? Gentlemen? Tusken Raiders and Bandersnatches?

Oh, amidst all this ACTION I had completely forgotten that Lucas Skywalker is in the air farting around in a… uh… jet. He’s bitching and moaning about the journal he found belonging to Ben Kenobi being a useless hunk of garbage not even fit for toilet paper, which would be 1000x softer than Tatooine toilet paper (sandpaper with spikes on it). “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this,” he says, holding the decrepit thing up in front of him. “I don’t see where this book tells me anything about fighting with a lightsaber or using the Force.”

R2-D2 beeps and boops at him, probably translated to something along the lines of “cork it, nerd”. Luke decides to alter his course from wherever the hell he was going in the first place to where the Jedi might have lived! Yeah, let’s do that. Sounds like a much smaller waste of time than Kenobi’s journal, THAT’S FOR SURE.

Of course, he doesn’t actually go there. He goes to Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon! Hey, I wonder if that’s the same Smuggler’s Moon that the storyline is about! Gee, I sure hope so!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

In other words… I’m gonna get my ass kicked!

So Luke and R2-D2 visit Bar Shaddaa, right, and don’t get mugged immediately, which is weird. “All we have to do is find the worst-looking bar around. Trust me, Artoo, I know what I’m doing.”

Luke looks around with his sultry eyes and notices that the entire clientele of the seedy bar they just entered is looking right at him. There’s a full-page spread of it, too. A real Where’s Waldo of aliens staring at the Tatooine pretty boy.

“Kill him. Rob him. Feed him to the scum-squids.”

Eep! Luke insists that he’s just looking for s—GAGGHH! HRRGH! He’s getting thrown around for a bit. It’s exciting. I hope he chokes on his own vomit, and–

Luke brandishes his lightsaber. “That’s enough,” he says sternly, obviously referring to the savage beating he was just barely enduring. The local thugs stare in awe at the glowing rod of whatever it is that lightsabers are made of. Glorb crystals?

In the corner of the bar, a shady figure speaks into his receiver. “It’s me. Tell the big guy I’m bringing him one.” Oooooh, the big guy. I only know one of those, and it’s Jabba the Hutt. And he ain’t on Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon! He ain’t on Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler’s Moon at all!

“Where did you get that weapon?” asks a particularly beefy drink of water.

“Oh, so now you wanna talk,” Luke responds, poochy-lipped. “I came in here to conduct business, and you tried to kill me.”

It would be a fair point if it weren’t Luke Skywalker, because screw that kid. Anyway, the business he wants to conduct is a one-way catapult to Coruscant. “Given your choice of weapon, I’d guess you’re seeking the Jedi Temple. And that you’d rather your trip remain somewhat… clandestine. So you need someone to sneak you into the capital planet, past the greatest concentration of Imperial guards in the galaxy.”

…

“I can do that,” this rather spiky individual concludes. “For a price. The price is that saber you’re holding.”

Luke whips out his penis and says NO!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Scum-squids need sustenance too, you know.

Well, Luke’s in for another fight, isn’t he? Glad I can be here to witness it. Oh dang! The guy in the corner uses some crazy electromagnetic powers and forces the lightsaber over to his hand. And by forces, I don’t mean Forces. This ain’t no Force at work. This is Science!

Now the entire bar joins Luke in chasing down the lightsaber thief.

We’ll get back to Luke in Issue #9! For now, is anyone else as interested in marital disputes as I am?! Sana aims her gun at Han and Leia while trying to communicate with the nearest Star Destroyer. Han begs for her to stop so they can talk. Leia tells him he should’ve shot her while he had the chance. “Trust me, that’s not how you deal with this woman. Also, she’s a better shot than me,” Han admits.

Time for the put-down-the-guns-and-chat gambit! “Sana. Honey. Let’s talk. We really need to talk.”

As Han approaches his lovely wife, Leia kicks him right in his butt and sends him flying right into Sana. They topple over. Leia brings out her own gun. “Nobody move.” TABLES HAVE TURNED! HARDY HAR HAR!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #8

Where’s my tiny gun?

But, unbeknownst to Han, Leia’s actually pointing the gun at him. “Did you really think I was just gonna stand here and let you two sell me to the Empire? That’s not happening.”

“Heh. Hate to break it to ya, your highness… but you are already sold.” Sana smiles as Han twists his mouth stupidly.

IN COME THE TIE FIGHTERS! Leia’s gonna die.

Final Thoughts

Yep, this is the part where Leia dies. And Han, for that matter. Luke too, while we’re at it. All die. No more story. See you next time.


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The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchett

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Discworld series

The Color of Magic

Welcome to the Book Bonfire! Today I intend to tackle the first installment in the 8,000-book Discworld series! So get your stylish Book Bonfire lapel pins ready, we’re going full force on this one. And yes, I’m spelling “color” the filthy American way because I AM a filthy American, and my copy of the book drops the “u”. Suck it.

I’ve only read the first seven Discworld books, and I’ve only paid attention to half of them. I own every single one because I deeply love the idea of Discworld. In practice, though, I tend to glaze over as I read endless Mopey Wizard puns. “NOW TOM,” you might say to me, rudely interrupting I may add. “DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THE DISCWORLD BOOKS JUST GET BETTER AS THEY GO ON? WHY ARE YOU READING THEM IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, ANYWAY? AND FURTHERMORE, Y–” No. Shut up. I don’t care what you have to say on the matter. I read things in chronological order AND I understand that the Discworld books do get better. Through this blog and the writing exercises I assign to myself with all media that I consume, you and I together will meander our way through the many Discworld books. One by one.

The Color of Magic follows Rincewind — a bumbling “wizard” who is only a “wizard” in the sense that he knows exactly one spell, and saying it out loud could be the end of the universe as anyone knows it — and Twoflower — a Discworld tourist with a fascination of all that the planet has to offer. This book is loose jumble of plot points that aren’t very coherent: Ankh-Morpork catches on fire, Hrun the Barbarian rescues and aides Rincewind and Twoflower, Twoflower gets imprisoned in a dragon land, and then Rincewind and Twoflower almost fall off the edge of the world. Literally.

“Does Unseen University’s library have a collection of Kama Sutra-type books? You know, with the sex in it?”
– Twoflower

The actual story is completely nonsensical and uninteresting. I stay for the worldbuilding, which is genius. All the sidebars about the various lands and countries of the Disc, such as Krull or the Ramtops, and all the explanations of how magic works, and the description of ocatarine — the eighth color of the spectrum, and the greasiness that one feels when an area has a particularly strong magic presence — this is all way better than Rincewind and Twoflower running from some duel to the death with an heir to Wyrmburg or whatever the fuck was going on. Most of the entertaining bits come from the dialogue and Rincewind’s abject misery. Resigning himself to the status of failed wizard, he actually has quite a bit of knowledge about the history of magic and how it works.

Again, I’ve only read a small handful of these books and none seemed to progress much further in their sophistication than The Color of Magic other than, possibly, actual coherent plots. I remain unconvinced that I’ll ever truly fall in love with the series, but I look forward to being proven wrong as I use this blog to actually motivate me into reading anything past Pyramids.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“No, Twoflower. The Disc doesn’t have any sex books.”
– Rincewind

The novel spends more time in Ankh-Morpork than any other location. What purpose do you see the river-split city serving in setting up the Discworld and the people that populate it?
Fantastic question! I’ll field this one! You see, Ankh-Morpork is like the King’s Landing of Discworld. It’s full of murder, rape, and incest. ALSO, it’s the Disc’s key location. It will be the major setting for both the City Watch stories and the Unseen University stories. Among other things. I think.

OK, let me go into this question with a narrower scope. Let’s travel back to 1983 and say that this is the only Discworld novel that has been released thus far. First I’m like “oh man, this is kinda funny but it’s all over the place and if he writes another 40 books I hope they’re more cohesive”, and then the second thing that comes to mind is that the Ankh-Morpork location was the most interesting of all the other locations. Because (surprise!), cities are inherently more interesting anyway. It works that way in reality, that’s just the facts, ma’am. And I hope future books will spend most of the time in Ankh-Morpork (they kinda won’t, but oh well).

Why do you think the story separates into different tales where it does? Why do you think the story does away with chapter or section breaks within the individual tales? Given this, how does the overall structure affect your reading of the story?
This is because Pratchett couldn’t fill 200 pages with one fully fleshed out plot. He was focused mainly on parodying fantasy tropes. I don’t care why there aren’t chapter breaks within the actual separated stories, because who cares? As far as I remember, all the other Discworld books I’ve read don’t have chapters in them.

The overall structure is fine. I like it split up this way, because if the story is going to meander around, I at least like to know when the largest meanders will happen! Thank you for your question.

Why do you think the novel features the two main characters it does — that is, a one-spell, down-and-out wizard and an idealist tourist? How do these characters relate to the fantasy genre as a whole and also work against it?
The Dream Team of Rincewind and Twoflower? And you’re going to ask me why the story features these two as the main characters? Go suck a real life dick.

“How about cave drawings showing people fucking?”
– Twoflower

Rincewind is the archetypal fantasy character with a twist, and that’s all there really is to it. He allows the reader to learn the inner workings of the Disc and its magic system while simultaneously letting him/her laugh at his bumbling incompetence. Twoflower is the lens of the audience — a literal tourist with tourist clothes and a camera. He knows nothing about the Disc and he gets all his information in real time along with the reader. A catalyst for the world-building.

They work against the fantasy genre by subverting it. What an odd question to ask!

Does The Color of Magic have an antagonist?
Trick question! The Disc itself is the antagonist, throwing all manner of danger and obstacle in the faces of our two hapless heroes! Rimfalls and dragonriders and giant fires and barbarians!

If this is a copout answer, then it’s either the gods playing dice with the universe OR it’s Death himself, who keeps popping up to try to kill Rincewind. By the way, Rincewind’s ability to cheat Death by accident throughout the book is funny. Death is the best character.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Final Thoughts? I hope this ends up being the absolute worst book in the entire series. I’m looking forward to surpassing Book 7 and beyond, even if it takes me twenty years! And it just might, because I’m reading my weight in all these Star Wars books lately apparently. That shit’s eating away at my life for sure.


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All-Star Superman, Issue #3 – “Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”

* Part 3 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #3 – “Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”! In the previous installment, Superman takes Lois back to the Fortress of Solitude while she is in complete disbelief that Superman and Clark Kent are one and the same! I don’t know why, personally. Superman is like “durrrr” and Clark Kent is like “durrrr” so it makes a lot of sense to me.

Superman has a secret jerking-off room that Lois isn’t allowed to see, and she gets paranoid that Superman is going to murder her bones. As it turns out, Superman was using the secret jerking-off room to make Lois a birthday present: a Superwoman suit and a vial of piss-colored liquid that will grant the drinker exactly 24 hours of Superman powers!

And she’s going to spend that time Super jerking-off!

Isn’t that joke hilarious every time??

All-Star Superman, Issue #3 [May, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Sweet Dreams, Superwoman…”

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

“Go on. Open it.”

“What is it?”

“My superpowers. In liquid form. Happy birthday, Lois.”

“You’re serious? I get to be like you? For a whole day? Bring it on.”

*gulps down urine*

Meanwhile, a lizard monster is like “MEH-TRUH-PUH-LISZZ! KRULL WILL EAT YOU!” He’s going to eat all of Meh-truh-puh-liszz! Someone warn the citizens!

It lifts a car over its head, ready to throw it down on some poor, unsuspecting sap of a person. Way over at the Daily Planet building, a one Steve Lombard furrows his brow through his binoculars and yells at the monster to put his car down. Catherine Grant, fellow columnist, tells Lombard to pipe down. “Go on ahead and attract the attention of an army of flesh-eating dinosaur men! God!”

That Clark Kent always knows how to scurry on out of dodge when trouble’s a-brewing’. The fucker never seems to be around when the dinosaur men attack, I always say.

Jimmy Olsen wants to contact Superman, but Lombard doesn’t want that dumb bastard interfering. “We don’t need Superman! And, if you ask me, Olsen, neither does Lois Lane. You tell me what a spaceman flying around in his underwear can give her that a good old hunk of prime American manhood can’t?”

Gross.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

This is better than any birthday she had as a child. Lois received nothing but pencil erasers as presents and her chocolate cake was made out of rubber and bugs.

Lombard peers through his binoculars again and spots a costumed Lois Lane cavorting around the sky with her hubby Superman. “Is that woman out of her mind?”

Out of her mind like a fox!

Lois flies around downtown with a Grinchy smirk on her face. They’re just about to face the dinosaur lizard monster when they spot someone who had already beaten them to the punch!

Samson!

Samson?

Who the hell is Samson?

Samson looks like a husky woman who spent an hour squeezing into her spandex. With one powerful throw, she launches the monster way up into outer space (and right through what looks like the International Space Station. Ha! Take that, Science!)

Nah, Samson is a husky man with luscious black hair. “Easy! He won’t be bothering Metropolis again for a while,” he boasts as Superman and Lois gawk at him like a carnival freak.

“Samson,” Lois says, “last we met, you were headed for the year 2061 to retrieve some treasure you’d hidden on Halley’s Comet…” Well, that sure is a good piece of exposition dialogue that sorts everything out nicely. Samson sounds like a real hoot. He grabs Lois’ hand and plants a tender, full-lipped, spitty kiss, complimenting her on her Lois Lane-iness. Like she’s the greatest thing in the universe. This boring woman.

Speaking of weirdo strong guys that aren’t Superman, another shows up looking like Julius Caesar with an atrocious beard. “I swear by the everlasting snows of Olympus, Lois Lane, you’re practically dripping allure in yon clinging garment.”

Gross. Again.

This dude is Atlas. So Samson is the Samson. These dudes exist in the Superman universe, huh? Sounds annoying!

Superman struts up to the two of them as they continue verbally fondling Lois Lane. “Gentlemen, if you don’t mind, the lady’s with me.” Yeah, that’ll do it, bonehead. Like they’re just going to walk away now, throbbing boners in their hands. Sure.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

Boo. Screw all three of you, I’m spending the day with Joe Pesci.

So a Challenge of the Ages, is it? Sounds like a profound waste of everyone’s time. Especially Lois’, who would probably like to a eat a large chunk of Supercake right about now. “It’s simple,” says the goiter-necked Samson. “We’ll each of us perform a super-feat of strength in honor of Lois Lane. The most incredible feat wins her company.”

This is stupid. This issue is stupid.

Samson points out that he stopped Krull the Ugly Red Dinosaur. Atlas points out that he stopped Krull’s army. “There doesn’t seem much left for you to do, Superman!” Atlas guffaws! No Lois for Superman!

“Hmm…” Superman thinks hard, supersmoke pouring out of his ears. “Let’s get these would-be conquerors back to the center of the Earth where they belong.”

And so Superman and his crew travel to the center of the Earth to talk to more lizard people.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

Yes, Dino-Czar Tyrranko, sir! Right away, Dino-Czar Tyrranko, sir!

Out of nowhere, we see Superman striking deals with a large lizard with a neck sash and a scepter. Lois is amazed that the dinosaurs who avoided extinction had made a cozy little home in the core of the Earth! Wow! Amazing!

Samson is like “almost as amazing as this necklace I made out of uranium shit” and then puts it around her neck. Lois is overjoyed to be wearing radioactive rocks.

“Look, I’m genuinely flattered, guys – but you’d have to go a long way to outdo Superman.”

“Hah!” Samson spits. “A night on the town with Superman can never rival the date of a thousand lifetimes with time-travelling Samson!”

Keep it in your pants, Samson. He has already planned a meal of triceratops bourguignon and then some drinks while Jesus gets nailed to the cross. Atlas finds this humorous. He claims he will crush raw diamonds into wine, which sounds painful to drink indeed.

While Atlas and Samson take turns stroking their mighty schlongs, Superman pulls Lois aside for a moment. “I can’t believe you’re flirting with Samson and Atlas,” he says, giving her the ol’ stink-eye. “Well, maybe I’m just teaching you a lesson,” she responds. “Y’know? After the creepy and ridiculous impersonation of Clark Kent that started all this?”

Seems unfair that Lois has to dunk on Superman’s secret identity like that. His mom spent a lot of time dressing him up in his Clark Kent clothes!

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

For starters, Superman, you can go suck a kryptonite dick.

Samson has some news for Superman: he’s a time-traveler! He knows that Lois won’t be “his girl” for long. He has the documents right… here… now where are they?… aha, yes! *slaps coupon for Rice-a-Roni on the table*

Samson pulls out a newspaper. Front page headline: “SUPERMAN DEAD”

All because Superman had to go and eat the sun for a few minutes. Samson laughs at Superman’s impending death. LAUGHS!

Suddenly, Lois’ uranium jewelry starts glowing. Like, really glowing. Like 1000 pregnant women all at once. Atlas neglected to mention that he and Samson are being chased by the Ultrasphynx from which they stole the jewels.

While the room glows ever brighter, Samson lets Superman know that he will complete 12 super-challenges before his death. “The stuff of legend.” Creating life, escaping from the underverse, overthrow the tyrant sun. Stuff like that. Plus answering the unanswerable question. Probably something like “if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is–”

Whoops, there’s the Ultrasphynx! Right on time! It hoists Lois up by the jewels and demands that they be returned. A price will be paid for this breach of integrity. Lois appears to have fallen unconscious.

“LOIS! NO!” Superman screams while every vein in his ugly neck bulges uncomfortably.

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

It’s. Like. Schrodinger’s. Cat. With. Less. Hairballs.

So now the Riddle of the Ultrasphynx! Answer correctly, Lois lives. Answer incorrectly, Lois dies. It’s all very black-and-white with the Ultrasphynx. Ready? If a tree falls in the f–

“You two morons stole that necklace, didn’t you?” Superman roars at the now cowering Samson and Atlas. Yes, and also they couldn’t fight the Ultrasphynx themselves, so they lured it to Superman to help! Gotcha! Heh heh…

“If she dies, you’re both on a one-way ticket to the Phantom Zone,” Superman says, eyes glowing red. That’s my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog level!

Anyway, what’s the goddamn riddle?

“Question: What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object?”

A submersible implodes! That’s what! HAHAHA! BARELY TOPICAL!

Lois’ eyes open up. Superman is stumped. But then…

“They surrender.”

…

The Ultrasphynx looks pissed. “Response acceptable.”

Lois is released from the Ubersphynx’s Megagrip, smoke coming off her little head. Whew, everything is back to normal. And no threads have been left untied. Let’s get a Stouffer’s and watch some Price is Right!

“Wait a minute!” yells Samson. “What about our contest? That’s hardly what you’d call a feat of strength, Superman.”

All-Star Superman, Issue #3

Durrrr. Daaarrrrrrr.

Atlas and Samson basically call the guy a chicken before he turns around and goes “THAT’S IT!” and challenges them to some hand-rasslin’ in the middle of a tiny archipelago. Lois basks on the rocks while Superman takes both these losers on at once.

He twists Samson’s arm out of its socket first, then slams Atlas’ down so hard that the rocks around them crumble.

Anticlimactic.

Lois is thrilled! That evening, in the moonlight, Lois jubilates about her wonderful birthday. She asks Superman that, while it’s obvious that she loves him, why does he bother with dull-as-dirt ol’ her?

“Well… I guess there has to be one thing I just can’t help, Lois.”

Anticlimactic. Again.

Then they kiss in the moonlight with their crotches pressed up against each other. Very PG-13.

Superman and Lois share a moment atop a roof, watching the moon. “…ahhhh…” Lois sighs orgasmically. “My birthday gift is starting wear off… big time.” Pfffft, that’s ok. Superman can just whip up another vial of Super Potion. Or, conversely, he can never ever do it again! Such is life, kiddo. “But thanks… for letting me live in your world for a day.”

THINK NOTHING OF IT, TOOTS. LET’S HAVE SOME SUPER SEX, THAT SHIT IS DOPE.

Lois is still not convinced that Superman is Clark, which is beyond idiotic at this point. Honestly. Lois falls asleep while asking where Clark Kent was all day anyway (idiotic).

Superman carries her off to bed and kisses her on the forehead.

Final Thoughts

I thought Lois Lane is supposed to be, like, really really smart? Why can’t she connect the dots here? Why would Superman even bother with a dingus like her?

Oh yes, that’s right, because he’s a dumb dingus too. See you all next time.


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Still Alice (2014)

Tagline:
Live in the moment.

Wide Release Date:
January 16, 2015

Directed by:
Richard Glatzer, Wash Westmoreland
Screenplay by:
Richard Glatzer, Wash Westmoreland
Based on the novel by:
Lisa Genova
Produced by:
Lex Lutzus, James Brown, Pamela Koffler

Starring:
Julianne Moore
Alec Baldwin
Kristen Stewart
Kate Bosworth
Hunter Parrish

Still Alice

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Hey, I like Julianne Moore! Hey, I like movies about mental health! Hey, Alec Baldwin? Eh. Hey, Kristen Stewart? Eh. Hey, Silas from Weeds? LOL!

Anyway, good enough for me. Let’s get the ball rolling.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Alice is Alice! Through thick and thin, she is still Alice, and isn’t that what matters most? Julianne Moore is the titular Alice, an incredibly intelligent and accomplished 50-year-old professor of linguistics at fancy-ass Columbia University.

Still Alice

Welcome to Columbia! I’m going to unsuccessfully teach you all how to draw a clock.

Hints of memory degradation occur early on the movie: Alice forgets words during lectures, she gets slightly confused about her whereabouts during running. Sounds like early onset Alzheimer’s! It’s early onset Alzheimer’s! The movie goes through most of the stages of grief while as Alice struggles to cope with the news and her family attempts and struggles to support her. Alec Baldwin is her husband John, Kristen Stewart is her daughter Lydia, Kate Bosworth is her other daughter Anna, and Hunter Parrish is her son Tom.

Alice learns that this condition is genetic, and each child who has the gene has a 100% chance of developing the disease. Anna tests positive. Tom tests negative. Lydia opts out.

The one struggling the most with this is Lydia, who is already under a lot of pressure from Alice to be something more than she currently is: an aspiring actress. Their dynamic is just as you would expect. Lydia is often pressed between trying to be empathetic and getting frustrated with how Alice is treating her regardless.

Still Alice

Mom, stop bringing up the werewolves and the vampires! That was all in the past, I swear!

After the diagnosis, Alice spends her days doing what she can to slow down the deterioration. She makes notes and memorizes words to test herself on later. She even casually sets up a suicide plan for herself when she can no longer answer basic questions about herself or her family, recording a video message for herself to watch later and hiding a bottle of Rohypnol in her dresser.

Daily life becomes harder as time goes on. Alice becomes unable to remember her lectures and has to admit to her boss her condition. She gets lost looking for the bathroom. She introduces herself to Tom’s girlfriend twice in 20 minutes. She doesn’t recognize Lydia when she talks to her after a performance in a play.

Alice is presented with an opportunity to give a speech at an Alzheimer’s conference, which she personally writes and then delivers while using a highlighter for keeping track of her train of thought. This is pretty much the last thing she ever does as an academic before completely falling apart.

There’s a point where Alice stumbles upon the recording she made for herself and starts trying to carry out the instructions with difficulty, culminating in a botched accidental suicide. It was almost funny if it wasn’t so fucking sad.

Once it gets really bad, Alec Baldwin pusses out completely and decides to move to Minnesota for a career opportunity. It’s arranged for Lydia to (voluntarily) put her own aspirations on hold in order to move back home and take care of Alice.

Alice can barely speak by this time, but when Lydia reads a poem to her and asks what it’s about, she answers correctly: “love”.

Still Alice

Wow, Mom, you can interpret a poem. Big whoop, you demented husk you.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Alzheimer’s

Of course I’m going to talk about Alzheimer’s. Why wouldn’t I talk about Alzheimer’s?? This movie was about Alzheimer’s!

Alzheimer’s runs in my family. Not much else does. Cancer doesn’t, diabetes doesn’t, heart disease doesn’t, but Alzheimer’s does. Here’s how I feel about that: MIXED! I can see some pros and cons to the whole ordeal, the major one being no longer cognizant of your own mortality anymore. I’d give a lot for that one alone, it makes for the not being able to draw a clock anymore part of it!

My great-grandmother had dementia, and although people say that having it must be terrifying for the individual, she always seemed pretty chill with it. She’d watch a ton of Matlock and talk a lot about her pretty friends from school. How’s that for the sweet life?

Still Alice

I shot who in the what now?

TOPIC 2 — The Suicide Plan

Not that they made it a lighthearted throwaway gag about it or anything, but Alice planning her suicide was a little bit on the fucked up side. I wanna break this one down for a minute.

Alice doesn’t get too bent about it on-screen, but since her whole life has been about her academic career in the field of linguistics — the very field related to the part of the brain she’s losing — it’s understandable why she would gravitate toward that line of thinking eventually. Imagine being an Olympic runner your whole life, and then getting your legs chopped off and then thrown into the garbage right in front of you! It’s EXACTLY like that. You think suicide wouldn’t cross your mind.

The plan itself was well-enough thought out, too. I don’t know how suicide plans work, but isn’t it usually 1) I’m gonna buy a gun, and 2) I’m gonna eventually use this gun? Alice’s plan had a whole system of paths and tasks, it was quite impressive actually. It almost worked too, but then that pesky caregiver startled her and she forgot what she was doing.

Then there was the method. Swallow a whole bottle of pills? Did she have no respect for her future Alzheimer’s pickle-brained self? That sounds like it would give off warning sirens to anyone, but what do I know? I’m not demented yet. But, just for grins, let’s try another plan. Alice sets up a breadcrumb trail that leads to a pile of guns. And then the pile of guns explodes, blowing up the whole house and also the neighbor’s house. Now that’s cunning.

Still Alice

According to the Alec Baldwin Wikipedia page, it’s two counts of involuntary manslaughter! How about that?

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Co-director Richard Glatzer could not speak due to ALS. He directed the film using a text to speech app on an iPad. Julianne Moore and Kristen Stewart dedicated their “Ice Bucket Challenge” to Glatzer.
I was originally going to say something snarky like “can you think of a bigger act of slacktivism than these two prominent actors doing the Ice Bucket Challenge two years after people were done doing it?” but then I saw that 2014 WAS the Ice Bucket Challenge year. So I’ll shut my fool mouth!

Alice is shown as a compulsive “Words With Friends” player. Alec Baldwin, who portrays her husband, was booted off a plane before takeoff in 2011 because he refused to stop playing the game and power down his phone.
Alec Baldwin was so fucking furious about this that he shot a woman in the face seven years later.

This marks the second time Alec Baldwin has appeared in a movie with Alice in the title. The previous film was Alice (1990).
I don’t know, this struck me as very funny. What’s his next one going to be called? Yes, It’s Still Alice?

During one of Alice’s doctor visits she asks her primary care physician to fill a script for the sedative Rohypnol (flunitrazepam). The doctor obliges and Alice fills the prescription. In actuality, though, Rohypnol has been banned in many countries and has been illegal in the United States since 1996. It is not approved for medical use in North America.
Banned in the United States? Then how come I have so much of it in my Coke glass right now? zzzzzzz

Still Alice

Oh Alice. Slap some makeup on and you’d almost look like Julianne Moore.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It has occasional TV movie vibes, but I’m glad I watched it. The performances were very good, with Moore giving what may have been the best performance of her career. The emotional impact of watching someone who had everything waste away before your eyes was, at times, heart-wrenching, but they didn’t turn it at all into a sap-fest.

Watch it on Netflix on a Tuesday evening if you have nothing else to really do before bed.


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Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “High Wire Act”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #5 – “High Wire Act”! In the previous installment, Foggy and Murdock are somewhat successful on the new idea to consult clients into representing themselves, although Foggy worries that they’ll get a bunch of riff-raff as a result. Speaking of riff-raff, here’s some blind riff-raff: Austin Cao, a blind young man, was fired from his job as a translator for no reason whatsoever! Murdock will take the case, but it seems pretty fucking flimsy.

Also, as they speak, about a dozen sniper lasers are trained on both of them through the window. So some shit is going down and I am, as the kids say, “here for it”.

But not really.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [December, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“High Wire Act”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Flashback to one hour ago, which must be one hour in the past from the moment 900 sniper rifles were trained on our hapless hero and Austin Cao, the hapless kid. It seems that the Latverians were being a little too chatty in the office the other day and now they’re sleeping with the fishes! “New representatives are being sent. This doesn’t affect any aspect of the arrangement… except that it ties up all the loose ends.” This guy talking appears to be addressing some kind of office boss who is also a big crime boss. Not Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, but more like Tony “Who’s the Boss?” Danza. His name is Mr. “Boss Hog” Zachary, and he thinks all the loose ends are NOT tied up. Because guess what? That kid that was fired? The blind kid? Can speak 150 languages including Klingon and Ultra Klingon? He speaks Latverian. He probably heard something. So fuck his ass up.

The guy talking to Mr. Zachary just about poops his pants. “Austin Cao? No… no. That was… part of the problem, actually. He didn’t pay attention, his work was lax… I had to let him go. But he doesn’t know anyth–”

SILENCE, NERD. His record shows that he was a stellar employee. Always made coffee in the morning. Talked about Lost everyday at the water cooler even though the show ended 13 years ago. Didn’t fart up the office all day like Charlie over there in Human Resources. “So you didn’t fire him to protect him. You didn’t fire him hoping that would take him off our radar. Because if you did, a) it didn’t work, and b) there would be consequences.”

Ulp! Gulp! Brrrt! It was just a coincidence! He didn’t SEE it coming, lol! LOL! lol, sir!

Mr. Zachary’s assistant just got word that Austin Cao just got in contact with a lawyer. Well snap. Send an army of snipers post haste.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Do you want fries with that? A penny saved is a penny earned. You’re going to need a new carburetor. That Schindler’s List is a laugh riot. Frank is fucking the pineapple.

“When I first started as a crimefighter, I was nearly as deaf as I was blind,” Murdock muses, recounting the need to start tuning out all the sounds and voices that bombard his brain on a constant basis. Long story short, he doesn’t tune out shit like the sound of a cocking gun.

So Murdock tackles Austin to the floor without warning. Austin yelps like a goose as bullets fly through the window. He squirms while Murdock tells him to keep low and shut the hell up. Murdock stands behind the kitchen wall while mercenaries roam the hallway with night-vision goggles. One kicks down the apartment door, ready to blast the kid in the face with his assault rifle like this was Uvalde, Texas.

Murdock clicks on the light, overloading the night-vision goggles. Then he beats a pile of them up with his little cane and shit. Austin is cowering on the floor like a scared, honking goose. Murdock grabs his arm and they run down the hallway and out of the building.

After mulling over about 14 terrible options, it is decided to take a cab to Murdock’s sexy pad. It’s where Austin Cao can be “safe” from the “men” who are trying to “splatter his brains all over the wallpaper”. The snipers, meanwhile, start hoisting their barely-conscious asses up off the floor. “Sir? Targets escaped,” one of them tells Mr. Zachary.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Sir? I have one ticket to the gun show. Sir? I hear it’s going to be a blast.

Well, that guy gets his brains splattered all over the wallpaper. It’s time to bring in the big guns: some jerkass named Bruiser. He gets called up to take on Daredevil, and he smiles vilely at the thought of beating up some handicapped guy. We’ll see more of him later, I suppose. I’m not too interested in this guy, and frankly I’d like to see Matt Murdock get his ass whooped a little bit. He looks like he deserves it.

Murdock and Austin entire Murdock’s sexy pad, and Murdock levels with the kid. “Here’s my theory. Please note that I have amended it in view of the blatant attempt on your life. You did overhear something at the office you weren’t supposed to’ve. Why you were immediately fired rather than immediately riddled with bullets is still a mystery–”

Murdock throws on a Chet Baker album, really sealing the deal on this sexy evening, and demands that Austin remembers exactly what the Latverians said. Austin doesn’t remember. Murdock starts smacking him around the room, poking him with scissors, shoving a really hot lightbulb up his butt. Most of all, he makes Austin set up Murdock’s desk just like his own at work. Put everything in its exact spot: computer, lamp, wastebasket, dildo, and granola bars. He asks him exactly what kind of piping hot tea he had in his mug that morning. Ah yes, lemongrass! Exquisite!

*splashes scalding tea in Austin’s face*

But seriously, let’s use that ol’ smell-memory association! Now, let’s get the kid dressed for the part! Pink tie, fancy shoes. Wear everything that you wore that morning. Dildo up the butthole? If that’s what you were doing, that’s what you’re doing now too. Let’s make everything perfect.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

A shoulder rub will really set the mood!

Austin starts to remember: “Foreign registries. Through Latveria. They were sent by the Latverian government. They were whispering about closing a deal with us and… and… serpents? Some word unique to their language, but it reminded me of snakes…”

Oh come on kid. Murdock’s gonna slap you around again with this snake shit. And furthermore, w–

“Hydra.”

Ah, there it is! Those big bad guys with the dumb green henchmen that Captain America always fends off with a stick! Austin, you stay here and lube up your dick or whatever it is that you do on your off time. Murdock’s gonna go be Daredevil and talk to Austin’s old boss. Something smells fishy and it ain’t just the lube.

REMEMBER KIRSTEN MCDUFFIE? I sure don’t! Did we last see her all the way back in Issue #1? We see her home in the Upper West Side, where her angry, drinking husband/boyfriend Foggy Nelson (!) is ranting about how Matt Murdock couldn’t possibly be Daredevil because Murdock is BLIND and can barely eat a sandwich without bashing it all around his face! McDuffie says Murdock is faking the blindness. Foggy says he’s known Murdock for 800 years and he’s been blind the whole time!

Foggy suggests that McDuffie go on a date with Murdock. Prove to herself that he’s as blind as he says he is. Blind as a fucking bat, and not one of those seeing bats. Not like Batman, that guy has eyeballs.

Ah, McDuffie ain’t Foggy’s squeeze. That fat man has a blonde bombshell named Dina, and she’s McDuffie’s roommate.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Be warned that Matt Murdock likes it when women pee on him. The “thrill of not seeing it coming” gets him all worked up!

Eventually, Foggy decides that setting McDuffie up isn’t the greatest idea in the universe at all whatsoever! And this causes McDuffie to go “well I wanna go out with him now!” and so it shall be done.

Austin’s boss, Mr. Randall, is climbing aboard a yacht in the middle of the night while on the phone with his wife. She and the kids need to disappear before they get hella murdered. Meanwhile, he’ll be Boat Man. He’ll boat off into the sunset. Boat-style.

Daredevil shows up, tells him that Austin is fine, and that he’s here to protect him too just as he protected Austin! DAWWWW!! ISN’T THAT FUCKING ADORABLE! *CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE*

So, Daredevil explains out loud how he knew that Austin was fired as a protective measure, and now he needs to know from Mr. Randall himself exactly what Austin overheard. Latveria. Hydra. This is big-time shit, man. Like 18 Pablo Escobars wrapped up in an El Chapo.

So I just read through a lot of law-type mumbo-jumbo and have settled on this: Midas, Austin’s company, is using Latveria to secretly operate dozens of shell companies and holding subsidiaries to move around trillions of dollars! Crime! CRIME!! Crime that’s hard to catch and convict and persecute and use courtrooms and juries about!

OK, here’s the deal Mr. Randall: You’re gonna figure out how to stop this single-handedly while Daredevil works on keeping him and Austin from not getting dead. That’s a VERY fair tradeoff.

A nearby ship is on a collision course. Daredevil fears that it’ll hit them with a torpedo or a bomb or a barrage of Nerf darts, but it’s none of those. It’s just some large dude who lands his 1,600-lb bulk onto the yacht and puts Daredevil in a chokehold. It’s Bruiser. Daredevil can’t escape the chokehold. He starts crying and blubbering like a sad newborn giraffe.

Long story short, Bruiser throws Daredevil off the boat and the boat speeds away with the hapless Mr. Randall stuck on it. Without any lube!

Final Thoughts

God, I hate it when boats get involved. Especially when boats speed away. It’s rude as heck and I’m so mad that I’m going to end this post before I even finish this senten


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