All-Star Superman, Issue #2 – “Superman’s Forbidden Room”

* Part 2 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #2 – “Superman’s Forbidden Room”! We’re going to learn all about Superman’s masturbation rituals in this thrilling issue! In the previous installment, Superman saves a spacecraft from flying into the sun by flying into the sun himself, exposing his cells to all kinds of dangerous sun radiation. More than even he can handle! And he’s going to die!

So he rips open his shirt and reveals his Superman tights to Lois, who is probably visibly shocked and/or horny.

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor gets arrested for sabotaging the spacecraft and the sun itself, and happily accepts the handcuffs. “Put me away boys, before I do something really terrible to Superman,” he smiles. How very ominous.

Good stuff, so far! I like that Grant Morrison fellow. He really boils my potato.

All-Star Superman, Issue #2 [February, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Superman’s Forbidden Room”

All-Star Superman, Issue #2

“CAN YOU GUESS THE SECRET OF SUPERMAN’S FORBIDDEN ROOM?” The cover begs me to answer this question, and it’s also begging me to make yet another joke about jerking off. Don’t tempt me.

Lois is in her car, and Superman is flying in the sky with it on his back.

“Clark Kent?”

“Clark Kent.”

“And you’ve always been Clark Kent? Sorry. I just don’t believe you, Superman.”

Lois is a dummy. The dude hides his identity by putting on eyeglasses. It doesn’t matter how plain-as-day his face is, Lois refuses to believe that Clark Kent and Superman are one in the same. Even though they’ve never been in the same room together! Chew on that one, Lane.

Superman flies her over to his Fortress of Jerking Off where his robot servants greet him effusively. They are to welcome the young lady and fix her car up a little. Superman must have accidentally squeezed a muffler too hard or something while he was flying in the air and jerking off at the same time.

Lois makes small talk. How’s Batman doing? Fine. Robin? Fine. Alan Arkin? He died a few months ago. Anyway, welcome to the Fortress. It’s very big and empty and needs a woman’s touch. Just like Superman’s penis without the “big and empty” part.

“Lois Lane, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist… and I don’t know what to think about this. Does it have something to do with my birthday tomorrow? Is this where it all turns serious at last? Is this where Superman’s girlfriend finally gets what she always wanted?”

All-Star Superman, Issue #2

Enjoy this weird-singing green-glowing spiky blob.

While Lois questions whether or not she’s good enough for Superman (he’s not good enough for her, honestly), Superman talks about boring stuff like his weapon collection and his giant room full of commemorative Spaghetti-Os bowls. He even shows her a kryptonite laser, which he twirls around like he thinks he’s cool. “I hope none of your enemies ever find a way in here, Superman. Or any art critics.” Ha ha ha, very funny mortal human lady whose head can get crushed like a grape if you don’t watch yourself.

Superman wants to show Lois his Time Telescope, which I’m capitalizing because it seems like the right thing to do. He can contact his successors and prevent threats before they even happen? Isn’t that neato keen? Too bad it’s still in development. He just receives weird, cryptic messages from the far future that he can’t decode, such as “is your uranium plasma-deregulator enhanced refrigeration module running?” To which Superman can respond with a rousing jerkoff session!

A holographic image pops up before their eyes. Why, it’s none other than Kal Kent of the year 853,450 AD! He’s bitching about climate change and the iPhone 75,012 SE, which has a shitty camera.

Superman’s key to the Fortress is so heavy that only he can lift it. “One day, some future man or woman will open that door with that key. When they do, I want them to how I felt to live at the dawn of the Age of Superheroes.” Superman is getting quite misty-eyed here. Must be the low level of oxygen way up here on this stupid mountain.

Superman then shows Lois a baby Sun-Eater. It eats suns, so Superman has been feeding it mini suns. This is dumb and let’s move on.

While Superman is being boring, Lois spots a room with its door cracked open. “I know I wasn’t supposed to see inside that weird room,” she says, barging in. “But I did.”

The room looks like it contains an android version of Superman pounding out algorithms on a fancy CSI computer.

“Lois, don’t go in there! You can go anywhere in the Fortress, but that room is off-limits.” Superman grabs her by the arm hard enough to break the bones and crush them into fine powder. He shoves her off to show her more really dull shit.

So Lois is like “I was Time Magazine’s #1 journalist of the universe and I’m really good at uncovering secrets and I found no evidence at all whatsoever that Clark Kent is Superman” even though you can TAKE OFF HIS GLASSES. TAKE THEM OFF.

All-Star Superman, Issue #2

Orange you happy I didn’t say banana?

Superman and Lois enjoy a nice dinner of wine and mush. The menu is from the Titanic and so is the food, apparently, submerged on the bottom of the ocean all these years! Really! I’m not (not) making that up!

Lois continues trying to poke holes in the whole Clark Kent = Superman thing and I’m getting annoyed. Throw his fucking glasses in the trash, bonehead. “Clark Kent and Superman are one in the same person,” Superman says while Lois looks through her fork at him. “I swear I wouldn’t lie to you.”

OK, she’ll bite. If it isn’t a ruse, then why lie for years only to reveal the secret now? Hmm? Huh? Eh? Buh? And here’s the fucking answer: “I can’t tell you why, Lois. You have to… trust me.” Go eat a shit, Superman. What a horrible tease.

Lois is mad at this. She gets up and storms off in a huffy huff. And now that off-limits room is bugging her even more. What is he doing when he goes in there? Why does he return covered in gallons of semen? Why would he lie to her??

All-Star Superman, Issue #2

That Snow White bitch ain’t fair, liar!

“What if something happened to his mind and he’s brought me here to be a part of some awful experiment he’s planning in that room?” Lois asks herself, typing furiously. Meanwhile, Superman stands in front of the Mirror of Truth and puts on his Clark Kent glasses. The mirror shows him without his glasses! The truth comes out! “How can I tell her I only wanted us to have this time together because it may be our last? How can I spoil her birthday with the news that I’m dying?”

I don’t know, dude. She might lol at that.

Superman leaves the room, and Lois is creeping around trying to spy on him. “I need to be ready. I have to protect myself. I need a weapon.” Yeah, like what? OH! THE KRYPTONITE GUN! Go gurl go!

Lois gets sidetracked by a voice emanating from the Mirror of Truth room. It’s a hologram of a Superman wrapped up like a mummy from the neck up, the Unknown Superman of 4500 AD! He will field exactly three questions! Isn’t that convenient? Make them count, dear.

She asks if she and Superman will marry and have children. Unknown Superman is like “Reply Hazy, Try Again” and automatically starts asking his own question that he wants answered. “Who was J. Lop?”

Superman’s robot guards enter the room and ask Lois if everything is ok. She runs out saying “EVERYTHING IS FINE PLEASE DON’T FOLLOW ME OR TALK TO ME OR EVEN LOOK AT ME.”

“Future Supermen?” she thinks. “It’s all making sense. What if that was really him, transformed into a monster so awful he has to hide his face and lie about his deformity?”

Lois grabs the kryptonite gun and runs off. “He knows I know. He saw a vision of his own future in there.” She revs up the blaster. “And if he’s brought me here to be the mother of a race of deformed superhuman horrors, he has to be stopped.”

So she camps out by the Forbidden Room door and bides her time. Then she yells for him to come out.

The door opens.

And then they have a nice, civilized chat and–

All-Star Superman, Issue #2

This is what happened to Phil Hartman.

“Oww.” Superman grabs his chest.

“Superman? Oh, my God! What have I done?” Lois gets bug-eyed and lowers the smoking gun. And Superman just found out he’s immune to green kryptonite radiation (?). I thought that was exactly what hurts him? CONTINUITY! CONTINUITY! HELP!

It’s time to cop to what’s in the Forbidden Room, and it’s not entirely semen. It’s where Superman was making her birthday present: he’s been “sewing” “indestructible threads” into “DNA” so that she can “wear” a “suit” that allows her to “duplicate” Superman’s “powers” for only 24 “hours”. Superman pulls a test tube of yellow liquid (piss) out of a containment unit. “This is for you.”

And then a Superwoman outfit.

“Happy birthday, Lois Lane.”

Final Thoughts

DAAAAAWWWWW, HOW SWEET. That fucking gun should’ve killed him. I hate Superman!

Good series so far! Looking forward to the next one!

If I had Superman’s powers I’d spend those 24 hours pushing a boulder up a hill like Sisyphus except instead of an eternity like a dingus I’d do it in two seconds. Then I’d spend the rest of the 23:59:58 time doing laundry or something. Fuck it.


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The Spectacular Now (2013)

Tagline:
To hell with tomorrow. To hell with all problems and barriers. Nothing matters but the spectacular now.

Wide Release Date:
August 2, 2013

Directed by:
James Ponsoldt
Screenplay by:
Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber
Based on the novel by:
Tim Tharp
Produced by:
Tom McNulty, Shawn Levy, Michelle Krumm, Andrew Lauren

Starring:
Miles Teller
Shailene Woodley
Brie Larson
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Bob Odenkirk
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Kyle Chandler

The Spectacular Now

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I’ve never heard of this movie before. During my current coming-of-age story fixation, The Spectacular Now was recommended for anyone who was a fan of The Way Way Back and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, both of which I greatly enjoyed.

This one is supposed to lean more toward the romantic side of things, which makes me wary of sappiness. Otherwise, bring it.

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Local douchebag Sutter Keely (Miles Teller, a kid with the worst name this side of the Mississippi) is writing the essay portion of his college application and reminisces upon who he is and what he wants to get out of life. His entire senior year of high school consisted of slacking off (especially during his math class, much to his teacher Bubs from The Wire‘s chagrin), drinking, partying, and fuckin’. His girlfriend Cassidy (Brie Larson) breaks up with him, which he finds appropriate to write in his essay that it was the worst thing to happen to him in his life.

After getting blackout drunk one night, he wakes up the next morning on Shailene Woodley‘s lawn. She’s Aimee Finecky and she’s going to be the non-manic non-pixie sorta-dream girl who gets Sutter to straighten up and fly right! She helps him find his car and gets her on his mind. He asks her to help him with geometry and is intrigued by their interests. They hit it off.

The Spectacular Now

“So… do you like anime?… *adjusts fedora brim* …m’lady?”

The next day, Sutter invites Aimee to party by the lake and they chat it up a little bit. She has never had a boyfriend and is despondent about having to skip college in order to stay home and help her mother. Sutter is like “fuck that noise, lady” and tells her she should follow her path. Then they kiss.

Once Sutter learns that he accidentally got too drunk and asked Aimee to the prom, he starts avoiding her and visits Cassidy at her house. She tells him to move on from her already. Sutter takes Aimee to dinner at his sister Holly‘s (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) house, where Aimee opens up fully about her dad’s premature drug-induced death. Sutter’s feelings for her increase, and after some teenage fuckin’ he admits to her that his mom (Jennifer Jason Leigh) kicked his dad (Kyle Chandler) out of the house when he was nine. Both his mother and his sister know his number and know where to find him, which pisses him off. He arranges to go visit him with Aimee.

The Spectacular Now

Hi, Pops! I gots me a little arm candy!

The encounter is awkward and very disappointing. Kyle Chandler makes the most of the visit, and you can tell he sort of tried, but he sucks and isn’t cut out to be a dad and disappoints Sutter incredibly when he finds out he left on his own volition, not because his mother kicked him out.

On the way home, Sutter gets so mad about this revelation and the visit in general that he takes it out on Aimee (after she tells him she loves him, mind you), pulls over, and kicks her out of the car. She gets clipped by a passing car and gets sent to the hospital. Sutter thinks she killed her. She doesn’t actually die.

This was Sutter’s wake up call. The boss at his part-time job (Bob Odenkirk!) offers to keep him on during layoffs if he promises to avoid alcohol on the job. He honestly admits that he can’t make that promise and he quits his job. After a few more tumbles toward rock bottom, he restarts his college application essay to change his answer to the hardest thing to deal with in his life: himself. He vows to live in the moment. The spectacular now.

The Spectacular Now

The Spectacular Bob Odenkirk.

Aimee, heartbroken, spends the rest of the summer with Sutter. She starts college in Philadelphia after, presumably, standing up to her mother. Sutter is seen waiting for her outside after one of her classes. Aimee just sort of smiles, and the end of the movie is left ambiguous.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — The Ending and Sutter’s Growth

The moviegoer has to take a stance on whether or not Sutter and Aimee should get back together. I’m in the camp of “hard no”, mostly based on Sutter’s weird self-deprecating outburst in the car before he almost killed Aimee. Her hesitant non-smile at the end looked more like an awkward facial expression, suggesting many different possibilities. That she’s over him. That she has a new boyfriend. That she pooped her pants in public. All of these are valid presumptions.

As for Sutter, he blew it. BUT, he showed an decent amount of maturation in spite of his clear selfishness and alcoholism. He starts off as a huge douchebag and ended the movie as a smaller douchebag! He has gained the tools to keep growing, and he owes it to Aimee to let her follow her own path without any of the possible drama that will inevitably still ensue with Mr. College Application Essay over here. Let’s not forget, again, that he flipped out and caused her to get hit by a car. Totally unchill.

The Spectacular Now

MUH GIRLFRIEND, WAHHHH

TOPIC 2 — Sutter’s Dad

I thought the most compelling scenes in the film revolved around Sutter’s dad, Tommy. Just your typical alcoholic deadbeat. No redeeming qualities, no remorse. Lookin’ like shit.

Everything from Tommy’s complete discomfort talking to Sutter over the phone, to his complete discomfort when Sutter and Aimee arrive, to his unapologetic honesty about being a dickhead made the movie for me. Usually, Kyle Chandler plays some really good dad-type dad characters. Some good dad shit. I can only think of Friday Night Lights, but I’m SURE he does the dad thing often. Right? He looks like he dads around.

Luckily, I don’t have a personal frame of reference for Sutter’s position. All I can do is empathize and try to see it from his point of view. I suppose Sutter is young and didn’t expect to learn the hard way that his dad is a deadbeat. He must have seen it coming even a little bit, considering both his mother and sister have access to Tommy’s phone number and have both showed concern for Sutter contacting him. At all.

Sutter looked so hopeful for a bit of time there, but Kyle Chandler shit all over him. He shit all over his face. Right in the mouth. That’s not something one recovers from so quickly! No wonder Sutter got mad and almost got Aimee killed! Did I mention that yet?

The Spectacular Now

Wanna throw the ol’ pigskin around, cowboy? I can let you have my last cigarette.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

At one point during preproduction, the script began to change. Shailene Woodley was worried that the new rewrites would make the story less honest, and at one point even called Miles Teller to tell him that she was thinking of dropping out. Teller managed to convince her to stay on the movie, and the rewrites never happened.
Oh man, imagine the whole thing falling apart because of Shailene Woodley. They would’ve needed to find another attractive girl-next-door type with a milquetoast personality! It’s too bad those don’t exist anywhere else in the universe.

After The Descendants (2011), Shailene Woodley had not been given any scripts she was passionate about making and had seriously considered dropping out of acting to pursue another career. Thankfully this project came her way and she fell in love with it.
Oh no, we could’ve lost Shailene Woodley to the ages! What a tragedy!

The sex scene was shot in a single, unbroken take that lasts well over two minutes.
Well over two minutes! My boy Miles Teller killing it in the premature ejaculation game! They grow up so fast.

This was the last film Chicago-Sun Times film critic Roger Ebert gave a 4 star rating to.
This is an actually interesting bit of trivia, and it’s too bad that Roger Ebert fell into a volcano shortly after his review of The Spectacular Now.

The Spectacular Now

What did you get me? …oh, a purity ring? That’s weird! Thanks, I guess!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Sure. It’s not really a feelgood coming-of-age film, and the whether or not the ending is actually positive is left ambiguous, but you can come for the romantic plot and stay for the incredible character growth shown in Sutter. Not so much Aimee, she’s basically the same the whole time. But Sutter, oh man, that guy was a real douche and I hated him! And then he was less of a douche and I didn’t hate him anymore! If that isn’t character growth, I don’t know what is.


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Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “Daredevil Back in NYC!”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #4 – “Daredevil Back in NYC!”! I didn’t even know he had left! In the previous installment, some guy named Klaw who isn’t the real Klaw, just some kind of hologram (“soundshadow”) of the real Klaw, is the one who had captured Daredevil and hooked him up to all sorts of tubes and circuits and capacitors and operational amplifiers. For reasons. Klaw is also squatting in Ahmed Jobrani’s electronics store so he can build an antenna with his many minions and find the real Klaw again. I guess Daredevil is key to the makeup of the antenna? It’s convoluted and stupid like a classic Mark Waid storyline.

Ahmed Jobrani represents himself and wins the case! Murdock and Foggy celebrate with a hearty round of drinks and, much to Foggy’s dismay, an announcement that Nelson & Murdock will now consult those who wish to represent themselves.

Doesn’t that sound exciting?! No?! Tough titties!

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [November, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Daredevil Back in NYC!”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4

I’m beginning to suspect that this Daredevil guy isn’t naturally compelling. Blind superheroes? Get some eyeballs.

He’s on the front page of Daily Bugle again, this time standing in the middle of the road like a raw butthole while cars swerve around him. I’m laughing all over again!

“Mobster Darius Giacomo realized I was chasing him. He freaked. Probably because we were on foot… and Giacomo moves like a sumo wrestler with an ingrown toenail. He knew what I was after, so – in a panic – he flung it in here.”

See? Not compelling in the slightest. Daredevil is trying to – very quietly – hang from a tree and grab a little pink pill capsule-shaped object off of the grass. He snaps the branch, turning “very quietly” into “not very quietly at all” and alerting the lions of his presence.

He’s in the lion cage of the Brooklyn Zoo at 2am, which is awfully wise of him. Daredevil starts smacking these cats around with his sticks, but they’re too tough and lion-esque to be phased by his puny weapons! You see, Mark Waid decides to let Daredevil narrate the action with tidbits like “lions don’t like it when you enter the lion cage” and “being captive is hard on the lions” and “I need to escape”, which is something I like to call “really poor storytelling”. Again, I’m forced to Google a picture of Mark Waid.

…

lol

Daredevil does escape by the skin of his cavity-riddled teeth, but Darius Giacomo is standing waiting to punch holes into Daredevil bullets-style. Daredevil dances around nimbly.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4

*BANG BANG BANG* Stop horsing around! I’m trying to murder you in public! *BANG BANG BANG*

Giacomo runs out of bullets and he gets eaten alive by the Devil. Rawr! Matt Murdock is a double threat: blind vigilante and blind lawyer! No one will see it coming!

Later, in the law offices of Cunty and Stunty, Murdock is grilling some Jewfro kid about his embezzlement charge, which ain’t looking good. Continuing his plan to consult the clients on representing themselves because he can’t set foot inside a courtroom without the defense lawyers screaming “DAREDEVIL” and throwing tomatoes at his head, Murdock advises this hooligan to speak for himself. Also, and this is a teensy part of it, Mr. Jewfro is involved with the mob and Daredevil has already really pissed off the mob, so he doesn’t want to get involved further in Mob Business. This is the smart thing to do.

Like a revolving door of sad sacks, Murdock keeps getting new clients and he tells each one the same thing: “WE’RE GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO REPRESENT YOURSELF AND WIN FOR A HEFTY FEE OF 98% OF YOUR COURT SETTLEMENT.” Don’t mumble. Dress sharply. No murdering while on trial. No murdering in the courtroom while on trial. Chin up. Don’t slouch. Eat your broccoli.

The object that Daredevil retrieved from the lion cage was a thumb drive containing INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE of whatever. The judge rules in favor of the plaintiff against Giacomo and his blowjob boys. Foggy and Murdock are waiting nervously in their office for the news. The news is good. They celebrate like a couple of blowjob boys.

Murdock picks up a newspaper like he any idea what the fuck it says. He touches it like braille is going to suddenly pop out of it. He smiles, knowingly.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Foggy, you’re obese and you smell awful. Why anyone would be friends with you is inscrutable. Here’s a quarter, go launder your shit-stained underwear. Oh yeah, and I love you, sweetie.

Foggy and Murdock celebrate further by working out in their private gym. Foggy grunts as he struggles to bench press 14 pounds, but a lot of that lack of effort is because he’s preoccupied by this whole new angle they’re spending their efforts on. “It might be bringing in the wrong people,” he purports. “Frivolous suits. Folks wanting a million dollars because they got a bad haircut. Or because they’re convinced that aliens stole their idea for perpetual motion. Screening’s becoming a full-time job.”

OK, Debbie Downer. Should they just quit now while they’re ahead, then? Not yet! Even through all this bitching and moaning, Foggy’s interested in some kid who just came in today about a wrongful termination. No employee contract. And why the fuck would Murdock want to touch that one with a ten-foot dildo?

Because the kid is blind! Ha ha! You guys can really pal it up over eternal darkness and wearing mismatched outfits.

Murdock leaves for the day, and the second he steps out the door he hears a million cries for help. “My stepdad is beating me up!” “The lions keep eating me!” “Pooping hurts!”

“When I first started off as Daredevil, I couldn’t distinguish robbery victims from overcaffeinated workers. Even now, above the constant thrum of traffic and the construction and the subways, I can’t make out words as much as I can tone. Eventually, though, I decided that genuine fear has its own unique pitch.”

That’s a little bit of Daredevil insight for you. Get inside the man’s head, you know? See what makes him tick other than a little BDSM fantasizing and a craving for Cheetos.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4

It’s full of pain and suffering and just being there costs your entire life savings?

A burning apartment building here, a scared mother there. We get it. Daredevil good. Daredevil helpful. Don’t shove it down my throat like so much SHIT and CUM. “Sometimes I wish there were five of me. Or ten. Or twenty. But I do what I can.”

Poor, altruistic Daredevil. It’s hard being the only game in town. After doing a plentiful amount of beat-’em-ups, he makes his way over to the blind kid’s house. Garbed in Matt Murdock clothes, he wraps on the door.

Austin Cao’s the name, and being blind is the game. His oversized t-shirt is full of stains, and his sad apartment sucks. “Everything about this apartment reeks of depression, old food, and stale air…” Murdock thinks as Cao tells him to make himself at home. Then he tells his incredibly boring story: he used to be a translator for Midas Investments, a big ol’ corporation. “I speak seventeen languages fluently and another ten passably. The Midas dealmakers loved me, and vice-versa.”

27 languages, huh? I can do that shit in my sleep. Try 350 languages, fuckface. No wonder you lost your job to me!

“My last day, I was showing off in front of the team. Two strangers walked past me having a private conversation in an unusual European dialect. I pegged them for Latverians within five sentences. I thought applause was going to break out. Instead, an hour later, I got sacked. Out of the blue.”

Yeah, sacked all right. Sacked right in the mouth. Teabaggin’. Reasons were unclear. Slacking? Fraternizing? Just three days after a glowing review! Cockamamie bonkers, sir! Why would they do this to me? Meeeee!!

Murdock uses his internal lie detector and tells the kid he believes his story, but he probably doesn’t. This kid took a poop on the conference room table, most likely. “I need more to go on, Austin. You really have no clue? You’re telling me everything? Did you somehow offend those Latverians?”

Nope! Stop asking questions! They didn’t even know he was there! Stop asking questions!

“Maybe my boss thinks I overheard something I wasn’t supposed to?” Cao guesses. Maybe there was some gay bathhouse orgy stuff going on? Listen, kid, did your boss ever make fun of your blindness or something else equally hilarious? No? He treated you like a son, huh? How about one of those sons that gets beaten with a belt regularly? No?

Well, chin up kid! Someone who can do nothing but speak a bunch of languages will bounce back soon! Everything will be hunky-dory!

Except there are suddenly about 50 sniper lasers pinned on both of them through Cao’s window.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Nice chicken pox, kiddo.

Final Thoughts

My, my, my, this sure is “interesting”. I’m “having a ball”.

Murdock is probably standing there thinking “I don’t know 27 languages! I’m such a loser!” And Austin Cao is probably standing there thinking “Bạn là một kẻ thua cuộc, đồ ngốc.”

Google that shit.


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Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3

* Part 3 of 5 of the Tales of the Vampires limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Tales of the Vampire, Issue #3! In the previous installment, Roche regales the prospective Watchers with another couple of tales. The first one wasn’t much, just a poem about a mall shown in a mirror that speculated about which of the clientele was a vampire (it’s the one you can’t see in the mirror!), and the second one was about how Jack the Ripper was a vampire that got killed by a police detective vampire because Jack was hamming it up too much for comfort.

While Roche tells these stories, a young girl named Edna starts to get suspicious about this whole dang operation…

What kind of yarns will Roche spin next? Perhaps a story about how Marilyn Manson is a vampire who got his ribs removed so he could suck his own vampire dick

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3 [February, 2004]

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3

“Tales of the Vampires, Part III” – Joss Whedon

Hello, Issue #3! The day ends with Roche looming in Edna’s memory as she furiously pens in her journal. “An entire day locked in a cellar with our first real vampire, and they expect us to sleep!”

Sure, it’s exciting to be talking to this dead Abe Vigoda-looking motherfucker, but something isn’t quite right. “Something in his eyes, his voice, he speaks as though he knows us…” Edna thinks this is almost comforting! Maybe she’s getting caught in the ALLURE of the stinkin’ corpse that’s was talking to them all day.

“He makes me feel as though I should like him to know me. To be his equal even as an adversary. I should like to walk about his world.”

Sounds like Edna’s on the fast track to getting a neck full of teeth, that’s what I think. Cruisin’ for a jugular bruisin’.

She’s looking forward to the next day. Roche is gonna tell more Tales of the Vampires! He claims to know hundreds. Millions! “It’s wrong somehow. What we’re doing… the way the Watchers, even Mr. Dunworthy, are acting. The way Roche looks at us. There is a darker purpose here. I’m afraid to go back into that cellar…”

“And I long to.”

The next day, Roche makes a show of jubilating about tearing off little children’s heads, of which Dunworthy tells him to knock off the monkeyshines. Roche claims that the new Watchers must hear the truth about reality, and Edna agrees. “You tell us vampires are more than monsters. You speak fables, riddles, even rhymes. But you’ve yet to convince me that the lot of you are anything but–”

Roche cuts her off there. Certainly, he hasn’t said anything yet that can’t be found in journals, articles, features, filmstrips, internet websites, and fortune cookies. He agrees. “You will understand everything, Edna. Soon,” he rasps. Edna, however, is antsy. She gets so blunt with the vampire that her classmates beg her to stop angering the beast further.

“He’s not begun his tales, and already I’ve learned one thing this day,” Edna thinks.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3

Uhhhh, because busting balls is fun as shit??

“Father” – Jane Espenson

Hollywood, 1922. A sultry young woman with long, red fingernails – possibly a flappery flapper – bites some dude’s neck. He wears a fedora and a trench coat like he’s about to show his bits and pieces to a playground full of children. He yells in agony, grasping the side of his neck, while the woman slices a bit of her own wrist and presents the blood to the man.

“Something very bad happened to my father once.”

The sultry young woman walks away from the scene of the grisly vampire crime while the man lies in a pool of blood.

The man was named Tom, and he leaves one now-orphaned child. The funeral ends, the people go home. At night, two underground arms scrape their way to the surface…

The monster, the ogre, the devil himself, Vampire Tom, he stumbles back to his house. He enters through the front door, makes his way to his kid’s crib, and stares down. The kid smiles up at him.

Vampire Tom smiles back.

Santa Monica, 1930. Tom’s boy is now nine or ten. “He used to take me out some nights. He was a good musician, a good trumpeter, and we were doing ok, considering the times. He worked nights, but sometimes we’d go to the pier. He’d buy me corn dogs, but he never ate. I never saw him eat.”

We see Tom’s boy sleeping in the car while Tom feeds on a young woman.

Los Angeles, 1945. Tom’s boy is named Cyrus, and he’s coming back from that durned pesky new World War. “I knew what he was before I went off to fight, of course. But seeing him again, it seemed like maybe it didn’t matter.”

Cyrus is gonna get himself hella married! A 5pm winter wedding. “Marcie understood I wanted that, even if she didn’t know why.”

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3

You’re looking a little stringy there, Mother.

Pasadena, 1950. Cyrus and Marcie have a newborn baby. Tom cradles the child in his arms while Cyrus stands behind him laughing. Marcie’s mother is a sourpuss.

“Look how happy they are together!” exclaims Marcie. “I don’t understand what you have against Tom, Mother.”

“I just don’t like that man, Marcie,” says Mother, not liking that man. “I don’t think he should be around the baby.”

Tom didn’t like hearing from Cyrus that Marcie didn’t want him around the baby anymore. Cyrus has the glint in his eye. Oh, it’s biting time. Not Marcie, no no no. We ALL know who the real problem here is…

So Marcie’s mother goes missing like the obnoxious, meddling tramp that she is!

“I raised my family and I didn’t see my father for fifty years.”

…

“And then I did.”

Santa Monica Pier, 2000. Cyrus is an old, old man now. Tom hasn’t aged a day, obviously. He’s a vampire, remember? I can’t believe you didn’t remember that! They sit together on a bench, just like old times.

“I was surprised to hear from you, son.”

“Well, I wasn’t expecting it myself, but it seemed like time to talk.”

They walk together, Tom holding up Cyrus a little bit. Cyrus senses his father tensing up when he caught the eye of a young woman, but he thankfully restrained himself. “I don’t drive anymore, so he took me home. Acted like I was made of glass.”

Los Angeles, 2003. Cyrus is on his death bed while Tom sits in an adjacent chair silently.

“This is how we were right before the door was kicked in.”

KICK! SLAYER! STAKE! GUT! WEDGE! SCREAM! DUST!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3

This’ll teach you be a loving father for over 100 years, even without your soul! Take that!

“Was he going to hurt you?” asks the young Slayer, putting her hand on Cyrus’. “I said no. I said he took care of me.”

“I’m sorry, was he your son?”

…

“I said yes,” Cyrus says, eyes closing heavily. “It was close enough.”

“Antique” – Drew Goddard

Dracula himself sits in front of a fireplace! I vant to suck your dick! Bluhh!

Mr. Dr. Acula is going to start spinning his own yarns Roche-style, and urges his captive audience to COOL DOWN THE TERRORS lest their fears get in the way of actually enjoying the meeting. Dracula’s off-panel visitors are not afraid, which peeves the seasoned vampire to no end!

“How about now?” he asks, poofing into a bat. The answer is no.

“How about now?” he asks, poofing into a werewolf. The answer is no.

Dracula (?) keeps on poofing and nobody is scared. “Something funny?” one asks while Dracula snickers. “Your lies amuse me,” he responds. “Three helpless young women, unafraid of the Prince of Darkness.”

It’s because it’s Buffy and, like, two other Slayers. They don’t frighten that easily, AND they’re not exactly helpless. They’re not exactly helpful either, if you ask me.

“Oh yes… Miss Summers and her Slayers. Heroes such as yourselves would never be frightened by something as commonplace as…”

Dracula conjures up a swarm of bees.

“…a SWARM OF BEES!”

Yawn.

“Surely you’re quite comfortable around something as humdrum as…”

Dracula conjures up a night panther.

Buffy asks what even is a night panther?

One Slayer has a question for Dracula, but Dracula entrances her to hold all her questions until they’re all dead! Buffy is starting to get very annoyed. “You know why we’re here. You have something of mine. I want it back. Now.”

Oh… you mean THIS? *pulls out thirty glass bongs*

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3

Daddy’s doing the talking right now, you little shit!

After assuring Buffy that he certainly does not have anything of hers and that she should go, the thing that she came for saunters into the room. “Master… Master, have they gone yet?”

A hunched-over eye-patched nerd walks expectantly up to the Dracula-ed One, who tells him to get the fuck back into the dungeon with the rest of the harpies! “Xander… get over here!” Buffy demands before he growls and spits in her direction. “Never! I will perish in a rain of blood and death. And blood. My Master will destroy you.”

Dracula looks embarrassed, but he presses on. “Well, Slayers. I’m sure we can work out an arrangement. You have your needs, I have mine.”

Sounds good, Chief. We can take the creepy Eyepatch Man off your hands, then w–

“What I propose is this – you allow me to keep my faithful manservant, and in exchange I will make your deaths as painless as possible.”

…hmm. That doesn’t sound like a very fair arrangement at all, you big baby.

Xander runs away while Buffy puts Dracula in a full nelson. One of the other Slayers runs after him while Dracula uppercuts Buffy. This kind of goes on for a bit. Picture some of that good, good choreography from the show.

Buffy knocks both herself and Dracula out the tower window, and he imparts some wisdom on her as they both fall: “These children follow you because they perceive you as powerful. Mysterious. As time passes, they’ll come to resent your experience. They’ll view you as antiquated. Obsolete. Before you know it, you’ll be a joke.”

They land, they fight, he keeps saying stuff and missing the irony. During the fight, Xander slaps Buffy and is proud of himself.

“Did you teach him to slap?” Buffy asks, sneering at Dracula.

“No, I believe that is his natural instinct.”

With Buffy’s shoe on Dracula’s throat, she again demands her friend back.

“Please…” Dracula frowns. “He’s all I have left…”

“Well…” he continues. “Him… and my mansion… and my harpies… and my carriage… and my garden and my shipping company… okay fine you can take him.”

Huzzah!

Dracula asks for a moment alone with Xander, which he gets. “I’m going to release you from your trance now. Please know, I have very much enjoyed your company. This past year has been one of the best years of my life. Thank you for your camaraderie. Thank you for listening to me when nobody else would. Thank you for teaching me how to ride a motorbike.”

Then Xander leaves with the girls. Dracula dies old and friendless.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #3

lol

Final Thoughts

“Father” was the best story yet. HOW SAD! Gets you right in the feels, as the kids say. Maybe they don’t actually say that anymore.

How old are the kids these days now? 27?

Edna is gonna get hella bitten on purpose, calling it now.


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Kevin McCarthy, Matt Gaetz, and Carolina Reapers

Yo, what’s in the news lately??

Nugatory Newsroom
McCarthy out as House speaker after Democrats joined 8 Republicans to remove him

This is the biggest lol of the year. If you don’t follow American politics (and why should you? Washington D.C. is just Hollywood for the ugly and untalented), then let me break some hella news for you. Kevin McCarthy is a dumb shithead who got himself ousted from his Speaker of the House position after failing miserably unify the Republican wing of the House of Representatives. This removal of the Speaker from office has never happened before, which continues the now seven-year-string of “never happened before”s that plague the worst free nation in the modern world.

So what’s extra funny about this? Certain MAGA fringe crazy wackaloons like Marjorie Taylor Greene want Donald Trump to be Speaker of the House even though he’s not a representative of the House, let alone someone who doesn’t currently hold office of any kind, let alone someone who is spending most of his waking hours in a courtroom these days. And why would someone like MTG want Trump as Speaker of the House? Because he would be just two assassinations away from become President of the United States again!

lol fuck this stupid country

Nugatory Newsroom
Former Mike Pence Aide Claims Matt Gaetz Likely Came To D.C. ‘For The Teenage Interns’

I don’t know much about Matt Gaetz’s personal life. I just know that he looks like the lovechild of Beavis and Butthead, which is quite a feat and worthy of fame in of itself. However, disclosures about Gaetz’s pedophilia and child sex trafficking ring pop up often enough on the internet that even uninformed schmos like me can absorb it as common knowledge! Like, Gaetz likes sex with children! That’s something that’s true!

“To say he came as a fiscal crusader, it’s more likely he came here for the teenage interns on Capitol Hill, to be honest,” Short said, referring to an investigation that started in 2020 over allegations that he had sex with a 17-year-old.

Again, more lols from me that one of the visible Republican faces of Congress is this statutory rapist who looks like a Down syndrome member of the Kennedy family. It serves these complete wastes of humanity right that they’re starting to get more press about their alleged illegal behavior. And by “alleged” I mean “propensity to get rock hard erections and fuck their pillows while reveling hedonistically in their”. That’s what I meant.

That’s all I have to say about this one. Someone should launch Matt Gaetz into the Oort Cloud.

Nugatory Newsroom
Canadian man eats 135 Carolina reaper peppers in one sitting

I like spicy food. I’ve eaten and immensely enjoyed Carolina Reaper-flavored Jelly Belly jellybeans! I may or may not have eaten an actual Carolina Reaper pepper before, but I think I would remember my asshole being on fire.

A Canadian man ate 50 of the world’s hottest chili peppers in a record-breaking 6 minutes and 49.2 seconds — and then went on to eat 85 more. Vegan speed-eater Mike Jack took on the Guinness World Record for the fastest time to eat 50 Carolina reapers, which average 1.64 million Scoville Heat Units — hundreds of times hotter than jalapeno peppers.

VEGAN SPEED-EATER Mike Jack proves that not all vegans are pussies by ruining his digestive system so he could get in the news. The article continues with Mr. Jack’s vapid commentary such as “peppers are hot” and “they make my tummy hurt” and not much else is said.

Mike Jack will die four weeks later of a ruptured rectum. He will leave behind a wife, a son, and five jars of jalapenos in the refrigerator which his family will be allowed to keep per the wishes in Mr. Jack’s will. Visitation will be on January 16th, International Hot and Spicy Food Day. No fat chicks, please.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Nugatory Newsroom. Check back next time when I post an article about swarm of hornets living in a local Florida man’s horrifying empty eye sockets.


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