January 3, 2003 – Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA

Set One

Tweezer — 14:20
The Boys are Tweezin’ once again! Too bad the entire composed vocal section is just about the worst I’ve ever heard. All sorts of “won’t you step into the *mumble*”, which doesn’t bode well for the tasty Tweezy jam that allegedly lies ahead.

The music gets delightfully dark and strange right after “Uncle Ebenezer”, but it doesn’t last long before jumping back in and rounding out the vocal section. The jam itself is straightforward, but enjoyable, and salvages the song by the time you get to the 10-minute mark.

I think I’ve said all I need to say. I can already tell that I put way more effort into the Set One write-ups. It’s called the law of diminishing returns, look it up.

Theme from the Bottom — 10:13
Once upon a time, a submersible full of billionaires imploded on its way to the Titanic wreckage because it was poorly built and poorly made and there was all sorts of shit wrong with it before its doomed journey. Some people better than I might not lol at this, but whenever billionaires are stupid it gets an lol from me regardless. Even an lmao.

Is “Theme from the Bottom” about this submersible? Possibly! Even though the incident in question happened in 2023, and the song debuted in 1995. Can’t rule out the possibility, though, that’s for ding-dong-diddley sure.

Foam — 11:29
Ugly, ugly, ugly. A song like “Foam” needs tight playing, which these guys are not equipped to deliver in January 2003. Maybe Trey needs to get his FRET BAR out of his ASSHOLE and stop playing WRONG NOTES like the HUGEST ASSHOLE in VERMONT.

Even Page is sloppy, and Page is never sloppy except that one time he came over my house and took off my pants and–

Look, I’ve heard better “Foam”s. NEXT!

Pebbles and Marbles — 15:15
I like this song! It’s incredibly lame, but it’s nothing the awful dad-rock you’ll find in late-era Phish 3.0 where the lyrics are like “angels have lifted me to the gates of Heaven” or “you’ve got to enjoy the sights and smells of nature, friends”.

That whole “Pebbles and marbles like things on my mind” refrain gets me every time! Very catchy, and the jam is laden with Page repeating this refrain over and over. Plus, Trey really shreds on this one. I have no complaints! Except now I have pebbles and marbles and, dare I say, things, on my mind.

You Enjoy Myself — 23:44
Woo hoo, ladies and gentlemen. A “YEM” Set 1 closer. A staple in the Phish catalog, to be sure. Let’s see what goes on in this version:

– Trey flubs so fucking badly during the intro that he needs to stop the song and restart it.
– Trey flubs the redo pretty fucking badly. The audience cheers because they’re just happy that their favorite shitty band is off their hiatus.
– The “Boy / Man / God / Shit” part is pretty funky and well played. No complaints here, good sir.
– The part where they jump on trampolines is also adequately funky, with the jam proper starting in at around 11:30. Slow and steady. Trey knows that he needs to dial it the fuck down anyway.
-The vocal jam starts at around 19:40. This part is always lame as hell, but we phans eat it up. This particular version riffs around beatboxing the name “George Takei”, which is actually pretty cool. They pronounce it wrong, though, of course, because they’re idiots.

A YEM for the ages! And so ends a rare Set 1 where every song is 10+ minutes. This means Set 2 is gonna suck hard.

Set Two

Birds of a Feather — 10:09
I feel like if you’ve heard one “Birds of a Feather” then you heard them all. It’s almost like the tightness of the opening riffs is what makes or breaks the rest of the next ten minutes. However, that being said, this particular “Birds of a Feather” is pretty damn exciting. Trey keeps hitting that titular melody with cathartic ease.

Now give me a 45-minute “Birds of a Feather” and I’ll have something more to say! Like, “this is too fucking long.”

Wolfman’s Brother — 14:52
Chalk this one up to a rather boring version that doesn’t necessarily get interesting until the 11:30 mark when they finally ramp up the energy and Trey goes all like “waaaah waaaah weeeeee” with his guitar. Page slams on the keys and Mike plucks wildly through the last few minutes.

Up until then, though, it’s all bullshit! Bullshit, I say! “Wolfman’s Brother” indeed! More like “Wolfman’s Naptime”. I just made that up.

Makisupa Policeman — 7:21
There’s NO CONFIDENCE at the beginning here! They trickle into like so much urine out of your tiny, little penis! However, it does make up for it when Trey mentions “Waffle House” and then there’s this slow, spacey, cute little jam that makes up the middle two minutes.

Does anyone know what a “makisupa” is? Do they live in the outback?

Axilla I — 3:33
I love this song. It shreds and grooves like a mid-’70s era classic rock track and it’s always this perfect 3+ minute length.

This one feels lacking in oomph and chutzpah, though! Chalk it up to early Phish 2.0 weirdness, of course. There’s not so much to say about this one, though. Axilla!

Twist — 9:51
Oh man, there was once a time when I couldn’t get enough of the studio album version of “Twist”. One of the most infectious melodies in the Phish catalog.

I always look forward to a good “Twist”, man, and this isn’t one of them! Page shines on his keyboards, though, and that’s because Page is the man. I know a guy at work who looks like Page. I feel bad for him.

Free — 8:37
If there’s one thing I know about “Free”, is that there is not a single live version that outshines the studio version. The main hook is really hard to play, and more often than not, any given performance of this song will contain the most obviously flubbed notes in the show.

That being said, this has got to be one of the most well-played versions of “Free” in Phish 2.0, which is not the highest bar anyway, but throw them a bone with this one. The watery jam ain’t no slouch either, unlike me, who is currently passed on the couch with Funyuns crumbs all over my person.

All of These Dreams — 4:31
This is the live debut of one of the most forgettable tunes off of Round Room, and it’s no wonder since it’s only been played live 15 times as of this writing. These days it seems to get played once a year or so, which means Phish hasn’t abandoned it completely like a red-headed stepchild (Trey).

You can feel the boredom from the audience. I can hear all the chit chat in the background. People are saying stuff like “is Jerry still alive, man?” and “where’s my kratom?” Way to kill the momentum, nerds.

Possum — 12:59
Behold, kids, this “Possum” has INSTRUMENT SWITCHING! That means shit starts sounding horrible at the 11-minute mark. Nah, just kidding! This is such a rowdy, crunchy version that I almost SHIT my entire PANTS. I like when they switch instruments, since nobody can play anything it makes for some real avantgarde, spacey shit.

Speaking of spacey, have you heard about Kevin Spacey? That dude is a creep!

Encore

Contact — 8:27
“Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Al Gore.”

Trey’s a funny guy, isn’t he? Al Gore would never show up to a Phish show unless his cool daughter or his terrible wife wanted to go, and they wouldn’t, so they don’t, and he doesn’t.

I can’t remember hearing another “Contact” that sounded as interesting as this one. It’s all Page, man. His keys are fluttering so daintily. And then listen to Mike slap that bass like it’s his teenage daughter’s tender buttocks.

What? Where am I? Anyway, great song! I sure hope there’s a “Tweezer Reprise” or I will lose my whole shit.

Tweezer Reprise — 3:55
Whew! That was a close one!

What a great show everyone! This is Tom signing off with a hearty “ga fuck yaself”.