All-Star Superman, Issue #1 – “…Faster…”

* Part 1 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #1 – “…Faster…”!

After I greatly enjoyed Superman: Birthright, I ran through a small chunk of rather mediocre Superman comics spanning about four titles from the very beginning of 2000. I don’t like Superman that much, but I liked Birthright, so I’m treating myself to another very highly acclaimed Superman limited series.

All-Star Superman.

…

Introduction over! Anticlimax is the name of my game.

All-Star Superman, Issue #1 [January, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“…Faster…”

All-Star Superman, Issue #1

Doomed planet. Desperate scientists. Last hope. Kindly couple.

That about sums up Superman’s origin story in only eight words! Final Thoughts? Let’s keep it this succinct from now on in every comic! Looking at you, Mark Waid.

I don’t get what’s going on already! A young woman named Flora and a dude named Mr. Quintum are flying an out of control space shuttle into a sunspot “the size of South America”. I don’t know how they know it’s that big. Maybe they checked Wikipedia. “Fear is the sauce on the steak of life, Flora! I promised to bring back a spoonful of fun and I refuse to let a little thing like engine failure hold me back.”

I understand already. Mr. Quintum is a dang moron.

“Superman is through the corona, but conditions aboard the Ray Bradbury are deteriorating,” says Flora. “There can’t be much time.

Indeed, Superman is flying into the sun like a strange weirdo. I know he gets his powers from the yellow sun of Earth and Mars, etc., but it doesn’t seem likely that flying into the center of a 6000°F sun is smart and helpful.

In the end, Superman saves a spacecraft from falling into the sun. Ho hum another day in the books.

It’s all over the newspapers the next morning. “SUPERMAN SAVES FIRST MANNED SUN-MISSION.” Well, it will be if Lois finishes her story before her deadline. I don’t know who the fuck this guy named Steve peering over her shoulder is, but he contests the validity of Superman saving anyone. The dude is 93 million miles away! It’ll take him 5 whole seconds to return to Earth, silly.

All-Star Superman, Issue #1

What tipped you off, Ted Kennedy? Haven’t you been reading Superman comics for the last 80 years?

“Imagine one hundred billion H bombs exploding in your face, Miss Lane… per second. I looked it up on my super watch.” That’s everyone’s favorite little spaz Jimmy Olsen. He also wants to explode in Lois’ face.

It seems that Lex Luthor had told everyone he re-branded as a good guy, but he was lying. He was lying and everyone believed him for some fool-ass reason. He tried tampering with the sun this time, attempting to monopolize water so that a huge drought would cause everyone to start flocking over to him!

“This is tomorrow’s front page,” Perry White says, holding up a newspaper with the headline “LUTHOR LIED”. “We’re breaking the story of the century.” Is Perry White taking his pills? Story of the century? What about 9/11, dipshit? Did you forget???

Elsewhere, in some lab, Lex Luthor is hooked up to a litany of wires and cables. He’s remote-controlling a weapon with his voice. The signal only takes nine minutes to reach the sun, which is almost the speed of light. Almost. Try a little harder next time.

“Luthor… we released you from jail to work for us… for your country…” This is some decorated Army-man coming in to harsh Luthor’s buzz. Luthor grabs the guy’s throat (Lois’ father, as it turns out) and tells him that he’s getting older. He’s slowly running out of time. And Lex is going to do what Lex is going to do. And if that means buttfucking America, then so be it! “So if I want to die happy, it’s time to get serious about killing Superman. Don’t you think?”

Whatever beast Luthor is trying to control, he’s attempting to blow up the sun with a Death Star knockoff. Superman stops him in the nick of time, of course, because why wouldn’t he? He needs that sun to fly and be cool! “BLOW THE HATCH, QUINTUM!” he screams while wrestling the creature.

Hatch is blown. Superman zaps the creature with his lightning eyes. Creature is subdued. Creature blows up away from the sun. Everyone wins and enjoys their cans of Hormel chili.

All-Star Superman, Issue #1

Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the world in a fraction of a second!

Later, Superman is in a dome-shaped laboratory among a lot of other dome-shaped laboratories talking to a guy in a technicolor dreamcoat. He’s run some tests and Superman is able to push 200 quintillion tons. That’s three times more than before (!) and counting!

However, dingus, here’s the caveat. You flew into the sun like a completel crazy person! “Apoptosis has begun. Cell death. There can only be one outcome, even for you.”

“What a bizarre irony if the source of my powers winds up killing me, when everything else has failed.” Now you’re getting it! His cells are bursting at the seams with solar radiation. He’s going to be dead in two seconds. Or 250 years. Or somewhere in between.

Ahh, I just realized he’s talking to Quintum and Flora. Quintum feels bad that he just wanted a spoonful of sun. Feels awfully bad, really. All this wouldn’t have happened if… hey, look on the bright side! Uhhh… no one will be able to stop Lex Luthor? Oh wait, no, that’s bad.

All-Star Superman, Issue #1

Oh boo fucking hoo. Been there, done that, bought a postcard.

Oh wait, this isn’t Flora. Is this even Quintum? I’m confused! Help! “Quintum’s” partner, Agatha, wants to read Superman’s DNA. She puts her hand to his face. “If only we could find a way to crack the Krypton Code, we could grow a second Superman.” Like, like a potato in the ground.

“Quintum” dedicated his life to the DNA P.R.O.J.E.C.T. (likely a very overwrought acronym). He wants to build a new race of superhumans in case Superman dies in a submersible implosion or something. Superman believes that this is “smart thinking”.

Then this “Quintum” fellow – I’m just going to assume he is indeed Quintum – shows Superman a large blue giant guy in stasis. 80% liquid nitrogen. Mentally preparing himself for centuries of deep space exploration. Cool guy, overall. Likes to play chess. Anyway, big things are happening! Big, big, big!

And it’s all because of you, Superman. *fawns*

Quintum promises to find a way to save Superman, or at least replicate him. He gets a hearty thanks from Superman himself, the highest of honors. Right above getting killed by Superman, but not by much.

Superman has some errands to run. See ya.

Back at the Daily Planet, Clark Kent has five seconds to get his toned butt into the office before Perry White blows an artery (or blows a cow). Clark just barely makes it. We all have a good laugh as he WUMPS on the floor of White’s office! lol and lmao!

A couple of cops have shown up at Luthor’s lab to arrest him for attempted murder and crimes against humanity. Luthor holds out his wrists and asks for the cuffs, smiling. “Thank God. It’s for my own good, I realize that. Put me away boys…”

All-Star Superman, Issue #1

Something terrible like make him watch a slideshow of my trip to Oral, South Dakota.

EPILOGUE! Lois & Clark discuss Luthor’s willingness to get hella arrested and thrown into the brig. “He could wind up in the electric chair!” Lois wails. Clark changes the subject and asks her if she ever worries about death. You know. Death. Oblivion. Fun stuff like that? “Who’s dying? Don’t be so morbid, Clark.”

Clark is so preoccupied that he accidentally walks into another pedestrian in a crosswalk, breaking all 400 bones in his body and crushing his organs into paste. “Whupps – excuse me, sir.”

They head back to Lois’ apartment. “Lois, there… well… there was something I wanted to tell you, and…”

He rips open his shirt, revealing his Superman jammies.

Final Thoughts

WHOA! WOOO! Lois is going to start fucking that shit! Ride ‘em, cowgirl! Yeehaw! Woop woop woop! Awooogah!

Etc.


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January 3, 2003 – Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

January 3, 2003 – Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA

Set One

Tweezer — 14:20
The Boys are Tweezin’ once again! Too bad the entire composed vocal section is just about the worst I’ve ever heard. All sorts of “won’t you step into the *mumble*”, which doesn’t bode well for the tasty Tweezy jam that allegedly lies ahead.

The music gets delightfully dark and strange right after “Uncle Ebenezer”, but it doesn’t last long before jumping back in and rounding out the vocal section. The jam itself is straightforward, but enjoyable, and salvages the song by the time you get to the 10-minute mark.

I think I’ve said all I need to say. I can already tell that I put way more effort into the Set One write-ups. It’s called the law of diminishing returns, look it up.

Theme from the Bottom — 10:13
Once upon a time, a submersible full of billionaires imploded on its way to the Titanic wreckage because it was poorly built and poorly made and there was all sorts of shit wrong with it before its doomed journey. Some people better than I might not lol at this, but whenever billionaires are stupid it gets an lol from me regardless. Even an lmao.

Is “Theme from the Bottom” about this submersible? Possibly! Even though the incident in question happened in 2023, and the song debuted in 1995. Can’t rule out the possibility, though, that’s for ding-dong-diddley sure.

Foam — 11:29
Ugly, ugly, ugly. A song like “Foam” needs tight playing, which these guys are not equipped to deliver in January 2003. Maybe Trey needs to get his FRET BAR out of his ASSHOLE and stop playing WRONG NOTES like the HUGEST ASSHOLE in VERMONT.

Even Page is sloppy, and Page is never sloppy except that one time he came over my house and took off my pants and–

Look, I’ve heard better “Foam”s. NEXT!

Pebbles and Marbles — 15:15
I like this song! It’s incredibly lame, but it’s nothing the awful dad-rock you’ll find in late-era Phish 3.0 where the lyrics are like “angels have lifted me to the gates of Heaven” or “you’ve got to enjoy the sights and smells of nature, friends”.

That whole “Pebbles and marbles like things on my mind” refrain gets me every time! Very catchy, and the jam is laden with Page repeating this refrain over and over. Plus, Trey really shreds on this one. I have no complaints! Except now I have pebbles and marbles and, dare I say, things, on my mind.

You Enjoy Myself — 23:44
Woo hoo, ladies and gentlemen. A “YEM” Set 1 closer. A staple in the Phish catalog, to be sure. Let’s see what goes on in this version:

– Trey flubs so fucking badly during the intro that he needs to stop the song and restart it.
– Trey flubs the redo pretty fucking badly. The audience cheers because they’re just happy that their favorite shitty band is off their hiatus.
– The “Boy / Man / God / Shit” part is pretty funky and well played. No complaints here, good sir.
– The part where they jump on trampolines is also adequately funky, with the jam proper starting in at around 11:30. Slow and steady. Trey knows that he needs to dial it the fuck down anyway.
-The vocal jam starts at around 19:40. This part is always lame as hell, but we phans eat it up. This particular version riffs around beatboxing the name “George Takei”, which is actually pretty cool. They pronounce it wrong, though, of course, because they’re idiots.

A YEM for the ages! And so ends a rare Set 1 where every song is 10+ minutes. This means Set 2 is gonna suck hard.

Set Two

Birds of a Feather — 10:09
I feel like if you’ve heard one “Birds of a Feather” then you heard them all. It’s almost like the tightness of the opening riffs is what makes or breaks the rest of the next ten minutes. However, that being said, this particular “Birds of a Feather” is pretty damn exciting. Trey keeps hitting that titular melody with cathartic ease.

Now give me a 45-minute “Birds of a Feather” and I’ll have something more to say! Like, “this is too fucking long.”

Wolfman’s Brother — 14:52
Chalk this one up to a rather boring version that doesn’t necessarily get interesting until the 11:30 mark when they finally ramp up the energy and Trey goes all like “waaaah waaaah weeeeee” with his guitar. Page slams on the keys and Mike plucks wildly through the last few minutes.

Up until then, though, it’s all bullshit! Bullshit, I say! “Wolfman’s Brother” indeed! More like “Wolfman’s Naptime”. I just made that up.

Makisupa Policeman — 7:21
There’s NO CONFIDENCE at the beginning here! They trickle into like so much urine out of your tiny, little penis! However, it does make up for it when Trey mentions “Waffle House” and then there’s this slow, spacey, cute little jam that makes up the middle two minutes.

Does anyone know what a “makisupa” is? Do they live in the outback?

Axilla I — 3:33
I love this song. It shreds and grooves like a mid-’70s era classic rock track and it’s always this perfect 3+ minute length.

This one feels lacking in oomph and chutzpah, though! Chalk it up to early Phish 2.0 weirdness, of course. There’s not so much to say about this one, though. Axilla!

Twist — 9:51
Oh man, there was once a time when I couldn’t get enough of the studio album version of “Twist”. One of the most infectious melodies in the Phish catalog.

I always look forward to a good “Twist”, man, and this isn’t one of them! Page shines on his keyboards, though, and that’s because Page is the man. I know a guy at work who looks like Page. I feel bad for him.

Free — 8:37
If there’s one thing I know about “Free”, is that there is not a single live version that outshines the studio version. The main hook is really hard to play, and more often than not, any given performance of this song will contain the most obviously flubbed notes in the show.

That being said, this has got to be one of the most well-played versions of “Free” in Phish 2.0, which is not the highest bar anyway, but throw them a bone with this one. The watery jam ain’t no slouch either, unlike me, who is currently passed on the couch with Funyuns crumbs all over my person.

All of These Dreams — 4:31
This is the live debut of one of the most forgettable tunes off of Round Room, and it’s no wonder since it’s only been played live 15 times as of this writing. These days it seems to get played once a year or so, which means Phish hasn’t abandoned it completely like a red-headed stepchild (Trey).

You can feel the boredom from the audience. I can hear all the chit chat in the background. People are saying stuff like “is Jerry still alive, man?” and “where’s my kratom?” Way to kill the momentum, nerds.

Possum — 12:59
Behold, kids, this “Possum” has INSTRUMENT SWITCHING! That means shit starts sounding horrible at the 11-minute mark. Nah, just kidding! This is such a rowdy, crunchy version that I almost SHIT my entire PANTS. I like when they switch instruments, since nobody can play anything it makes for some real avantgarde, spacey shit.

Speaking of spacey, have you heard about Kevin Spacey? That dude is a creep!

Encore

Contact — 8:27
“Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Al Gore.”

Trey’s a funny guy, isn’t he? Al Gore would never show up to a Phish show unless his cool daughter or his terrible wife wanted to go, and they wouldn’t, so they don’t, and he doesn’t.

I can’t remember hearing another “Contact” that sounded as interesting as this one. It’s all Page, man. His keys are fluttering so daintily. And then listen to Mike slap that bass like it’s his teenage daughter’s tender buttocks.

What? Where am I? Anyway, great song! I sure hope there’s a “Tweezer Reprise” or I will lose my whole shit.

Tweezer Reprise — 3:55
Whew! That was a close one!

What a great show everyone! This is Tom signing off with a hearty “ga fuck yaself”.


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Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “Sound and Fury”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #3 – “Sound and Fury”! In the previous installment, half the issue is Daredevil and Captain America fighting for a barely discernible reason, and the other half is Daredevil scoping out more information about his Jobrani case. It appears that the electronics store that Jobrani used to own has been repurposed to house a bunch of androids who are busy building some machinery. Daredevil infiltrates and gets his ass handed to him. Now he’s strapped to some sort of robot suit with wires attached to his face.

Sounds like another Tuesday night for me! Wubba lubba dub dub!

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [November, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Sound and Fury”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

The next morning’s edition of the Daily Bugle reports upon Daredevil’s investigation. “Daredevil was spotted investigating the vacant Jobrani electronics building. Strange sounds have been heard from the basement…”

I’m sure am glad that the Daily Bugle is up on their shit. They’re getting really good pictures of him flipping around town. I wonder why Daredevil didn’t notice a camera three feet behind him at all times? Did he not see it? lol

Daredevil remains hooked up to this mysterious machine, unable to move or even touch his penis. He’s there paralyzed and suffering while the Avengers are out saving a cat from a tree. And then eating the cat, in Hulk’s case.

Continuing to sense the androids with his whiz-bang radar detection system, he notices irregular heartbeat patterns. He can’t get a sense of these guys. Friends? Foes? Minions? Replicants? Star Trek fans?

A fusion of soundwaves, he surmises. Just more solid, I guess. “Who are you?” he asks. “We have met,” one responds. “I am the Master of Sound.”

I capitalized “Master of Sound” because it’s much more authoritative that way! The Master of Sound’s head is half human, with a wonderful head of hair and a right eye and part of a cheek. The rest of his head is android. “I am Klaw.”

Oh jumping jeepers, not Klaw! Anyone but Klaw!

…

Who the fuck is Klaw?

“Ulysses Klaw. A man transformed into living sound. Fought the Black Panther and the Fantastic Four. Last I’d heard, he’d been turned into an electromagnetic wave broadcast straight into outer space.” Oh, ok, that clears it up. That doesn’t sound like 100 tons of malarkey at all, Mark Waid. You fat goblin. “What on Earth is his connection to a Muslim store owner in a crap New York Neighborhood?” the devilled one asks himself.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

They’ve also been telling you to listen to Macklemore’s discography, which, sir, is a crime in the state of New York.

While Daredevil hangs out unproductively, Foggy Nelson has contacted Ahmed Jobrani with new information about his situation. He’s been hearing voices telling him to drop the case! I’m not lying about that one! Foggy says it right there. See?

“That’s… that’s an error, Mr. Nelson. And has no bearing on–” Jobrani hangs his head. The Fogster tells him that it makes him an unreliable witness on his own behalf, and that the Law Offices of Nelson and/or Murdock cannot help him. HOWEVER, they can refer him to another lawyer! One of those TV lawyers with much, much less in the way of scruples!

Back to Daredevil. He makes small, tiny, miniscule movements while stalling for time. “You’re not Klaw. There’s no hollowness to your voice.

“I am him. We are all him.” Klaw motions to the other androids. “Pieces.”

The androids echo the word “pieces”. “Echoes of a grand harmony.”

Y’know, Echo Klaw was one of Klaw’s soundshadows once! It’s true! Don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about! Everyone knows what a soundshadow is. Eventually, Echo Klaw became more and more unnoticed and independent, causing his “resonance” to “dissipate”. He had trouble surviving without his master, Mr. Klaw. That’s his name. That name again is Mr. Klaw. “So others helped me devise a way to bring him back to me.”

So this fake soundshadow Klaw guy, he worked in secret to build an antenna capable of locating Klaw’s signal and “restoring its cohesion”. Daredevil continues to make his little movements while Echo Klaw yaps about creating echoes of himself to speed up the process of locating Klaw’s signal and “restoring its cohesion”. And he’s their master. The Master of Echoes. That would’ve been a better name than “Master of Sound”, dingus.

“Hidden here, our only threat of exposure was the man who once owned this building.”

AHA! AHA! AHHH HAAA!! THERE IT IS FOLKS! MYSTERY SOLVED! Well, that wraps up the storyline. Stay tuned when I start tackling Mickey Mouse comics and–

Oh, there’s more. The sound guys caused the voices in Jobrani’s head. Another mystery solved.

At this point, Daredevil has done enough tiny movements that he unclasped his right hand. The “chkk” sound it makes is echoed by the group of androids. “Damn it! Of course they’re sound hypersensitive. The second they hear me breaking free, they’re on me like army ants. Fine.”

Indeed, the group are on him like army ants. Fine.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Hey, I know this song! “Oh Yeah” by Yello!

Daredevil twists his hand into painful contortions trying to wrest himself free, which is when he realizes that the metal suit he’s trapped within is the antenna. Better get out of there before he activates it and Daredevil turns into mush, or whatever. I don’t know. What I do know is that is conveniently able to grab his stick. “I may not survive this. I certainly may not come out of it with all my senses intact. But it’s all I know to do. If I need them not to hear me escaping… then I need a big noise.”

Then Daredevil screams like a wuss.

The sound is shattering the androids’ senses. Daredevil’s own ears bleed as he rips free from the suit and the cords. It hurts like a motherfucker, but he presses on. And he’s able to escape! “Where? Doesn’t matter. Away.” Bits and pieces of metal clang on the ground as he scoots away still covered in cords. It’s undignified and embarrassing. He’s getting a headache. Maybe his tummy hurts too.

Whatever the “antenna” is that was part of the suit glows in Daredevil’s hands. It looks like he’s literally about to throw it in a dumpster when an explosion rocks the street! Glass flying everywhere! Overturned cars! The antenna falls from his hands! He can barely sense anything as he feels around the ground for it.

He gets it with his billy club, but another explosion hits and Daredevil holds onto the thing for dear life. It looks like a glowing crown, very un-antenna-like.

“I sure as hell hope I’m standing on the sidewalk… because I’m blind.” He literally says this. Mark Waid wrote this. It’s actually there.

And, no, he’s not standing on the sidewalk. Cars are hilariously swerving around this doofus as he stands there like a costumed lunatic.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

lmao

Then Klaw catches up with him and attempts to wrest the antenna out of his hands. “NO!” he is heard to shout. Daredevil gets his bearings and slowly regains his “sight” while Klaw gets weaker by the second. Then Klaw starts crumbling before our eyes. He looks like if you dragged out a dead, mud-encased body from Pompeii and smacked it with a baseball bat.

Before Klaw crumbles into nothing, Daredevil asks him not so nicely who the others are that helped him engineer this. Klaw utters a name and Daredevil didn’t hear it (even with his super hearing), so now he’s back to square one. He’s still standing in the middle of the street. It doesn’t look like he’s going to move out of the way anytime soon.

Back at the Law Offices of Chandler and Bing, Matt Murdock has a friendly chat w–

“YOU DID WHAT? YOU TOLD EVERY FRIEND WE HAVE IN THIS TOWN THAT JOBRANI WAS HEARING VOICES?”

Murdock is mad.

Foggy has to admit that the Jobrani case isn’t the only one. People are hesitant to stick with Nelson and Murdock until the Daredevil thing blows over. Which it won’t, so don’t even try.

“You planning on not being Daredevil anytime soon?”

“No.”

Then they get an idea! Get a first-year law student to represent Jobrani! Wait, that’s dumb! Here’s an even better idea: Jobrani can represent himself! Perfect! Time for lunch.

Jobrani is nervous about it. Murdock reassures him all scheme-ily.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

The devil you know… heh heh heh…

So they go through with the plan. Jobrani is cooperative.

“In the end, I give Jobrani all the ammo I have and sit back for the ride… the white-knuckle ride…”

Murdock spends most of the testification cringing while Jobrani makes a dang ol’ ass out of himself. In the end, though, “justice prevails”. The court finds Ahmed Jobrani ravishing and sexy. Oh yeah, and he wins his case. Good on him.

Murdock and Foggy celebrate later at a bar. Murdock hits on some younger women creepily. When asked if Murdock is Daredevil, Murdock pivots. “Sadly, I cannot tell a lie. We are but two high-powered, wealthy, single attorneys out celebrating our brand new business venture.”

This makes Foggy cough his rancid beer all over the bar. Murdock claims that they now specialize in advising anyone who chooses to represent themselves! “I have six of them already lined up.”

Foggy pees his fat pants.

Final Thoughts

This whole shit about a Klaw clone trying to signal back the real Klaw is some real who-cares nonsense! See you next time!


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Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

* Part 2 of 5 of the Tales of the Vampires limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2! In the previous installment, an old, dangerous captive vampire named Roche regales a group of child Watcher-hopefuls about what it’s like to be a vampire. To really understand them. Get in their heads. See what makes them tick. And a lot of it is human blood and the nighttime.

But there’s other things! We see Spike and Drusilla’s love for one another as a reason for existence. We see a teenage vampire named Stacy finally feeling like she fits in as a part of something magical.

Joss Whedon can really put the human element in something as seemingly black-and-white as murderous vampires. I love this kind of shit!

We move on to Issue #2.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2 [January, 2004]

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

“Tales of the Vampires, Part II” – Joss Whedon

The children stare up at Roche with rapt attention. “But enough about me,” he says. “We’ve heard stories all morning. I believe it’s time… to feed…”

How… very… dramatic. Ellipses can do that. Roche still kinda looks like Abe Vigoda, so maybe Abe Vigoda is actually a vampire right now and he runs around biting people in the dead of night? Can you imagine that shit? I wouldn’t be scared, I’d be laughing.

Anyway, the children leave the room while Roche drinks dog blood or whatever it is that they’re serving him. They have a picnic lunch while talking amongst themselves. I care more about what’s in the lunch than what they’re talking about personally! Looks like delicious sandwiches! “I’m ten years old,” says Sophie, frowning. “I shouldn’t be talking to monsters. I should be playing with very expensive dolls.”

A girl named Edna is suspicious of this whole ordeal. Why would some old piece of shit vampire be used by the Watchers Academy for, and I quote, “children’s story hour”? Well, the other kids know that they’d stake his ass if he didn’t cooperate.

“Then why is he so excited?” Edna wonders.

TIME FOR MORE CHILDREN’S STORY HOUR, KIDDOS! Roche’s mouth is covered in blood. He’s smiling like a mentally challenged horse. “Shall we have more tales?” he jubilates, hiding his boner. The kids don’t really wanna anymore, but their teacher tells them to stfu. His name is Mr. Dunworthy and he looks like he smells like boiled beef. Edna thinks something is very, very off…

“Spot the Vampire” – Jane Espenson

It’s Christmas! We’re at the mall! The story’s narration is in the form of A-B-C-B rhyming poetry. Here, like this: “Search this image before you and study it well, for it harbors a gore-sucking fiend forged in hell.” Cute!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

Well, yeah, but keep focus! We’re here to find the vampire!

So who at this mall is the vampire? Tiny Sue? Mama Rowan? Pam? Pam’s boss? Uncle Moe? Tony Q. Sasone? Jiminy Fleischman? Angie McFadden? Colonel Fezzyloafer? Donnie T.? Maximilian “Lumpy” Conroy?

“The shoplifter flinches, he knows he’s been spotted. But does he want jewels? Or to bite your carotid?”

Is it Edith? Some whiny kid? Jeffrey Epstein? Maybe it’s fuckin’ Santa, bitches! Wouldn’t that be something else?

“No one said evil couldn’t be jolly.”

Is it Patty McO’Malley? Cheeky Joe? Francine with a club foot? Erik Estrada? Big Mean “Vampire Face” Dracula Jones?

“The puzzle’s unfair, the clue is too subtle. I set out to confuse, I sought to befuddle. But I’ve had my fun, you’ve searched high and low. And now, gentle reader, you’re ready to know.”

Is it the narrator? Is it the narrator? Is it the narrator? It’s the narrator, isn’t it? The big who-cares narrator?

Joke’s on everyone. The scene of the mall was in the mirror, and we know mirrors will never reflect the vampire. You are dead before you even realize it. Good day.

“Jack” – Brett Matthews

4 Whitehall Place. London. November 1988.

“Superintendent?”

“What is it, Constable?”

Here’s what it is, Superintendent: you need to speak to the motherfucking Inspector right now. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me. Inspector James Whitcomb. Ever heard of him? He’s too old for the job, see? He’s too old to be wrapped up in… whatever it is he’s wrapped up in at the moment. Superintendent Mallory would have never assigned him the job if it was going to turn out to be… well… uh… you know…

“I appreciate your concern, Mallory. As always.” This old man looks like senile Clint Eastwood. Leave him alone, by the way.

OK, fine then, sir. Inspector. But “there’s been another”. And Superintendent Mallory throws a file on Whitcomb’s desk.

*dun dun duuuunnnn*

Inspector Whitcomb enters a residence full of people. A corpse on the floor is draped in a white sheet. It looks like there was a struggle.

(This story is going to be about Jack the Ripper being a vampire)

Whitcomb takes a peak under the sheet and is like “BRRRTTT”.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

Yet another bukkake victim!

“Jack. All the names in the world… and you choose one as common as that. But you’ve done one thing right, Jack. You’ve got them all asking the wrong question,” Whitcomb thinks as he stares at the front page of the newspaper.

“WHO IS JACK THE RIPPER?”

“But you don’t fool me,” he continues. “I’ve looked too close, too long, too hard.”

Whitcomb’s milky eyes go over charts and sketches of victims. The question isn’t who he is… but rather… now get this… ready?…

…

what.

And he knows. It’s a vampire. Jack is a vampire. Jack the Ripper is a vampire. Jack the Ripper is a filthy vampire.

Late at night, Whitcomb moseys over to the London Bridge (which isn’t falling down), but Jack isn’t “home”. He knows he made too much of a mess of the previous victim to actually get some nourishment out of him. He’s still hungry, and he’s gonna go get more of that precious, precious blood.

Somehow, Whitcomb finds this blood-lecherous Jack with his neck-biting monkeyshines trying to feed off of a young lass. Jack gets distracted by the still-intact woman and leaps toward Whitcomb fangs a-ready. He’s lumpy and gross.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

Oh dear, please don’t interrupt my tryst with this dashing, handsome man and his horrible toupee!

“Die, old man,” Jack says, knocking Whitcomb to the ground.

“Yes, Jack, I’m old…” Whitcomb replies, seemingly unhurt. Then he vamps out himself! A twist! “Older than you know.”

Vamp Whitcomb looks like if Albert Einstein did fucks with a werewolf. Whitcomb cracks this Jack character in the face and sends him flying about 1,000,000 feet. “You like attention, Jack? You have mine.” Whitcomb grips Jack’s neck and pushes him up against the brick wall of the bridge. “Writing to papers. Running your mouth. Making a mess of it all… did you really think I’d let you ruin it for us all?”

Whitcomb stakes him and reduces him to dust. Untraceable dust. “You should probably thank me, Jack… I’ve just made you famous.”

Later, Whitcomb approaches Mallory and asks to be reassigned from the Jack the Ripper case after all. Too tough. They may never find him anyway.

“Dust in the wind, Mallory… dust in the wind…”

Final Thoughts

So far so good, although I vastly preferred Issue #1. Still, a fun series! The vampire’s point of view is very interesting.

I wish I could bite some necks for fun, but noooooooo. They would just send me to jail.


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Star Wars: Kenobi by John Jackson Miller

Star Wars Storytime Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Star Wars: Kenobi
by John Jackson Miller

Publication Date:
August 27, 2013

Timeframe:
19 BBY

Synopsis:
Following Order 66, General Obi Wan Kenobi vanished from the galaxy along with all the other Jedi. Years later, he re-emerged as a crazy old hermit by the name of Ben to play a hand in the fate of the galaxy. However, much more happened in the preceding years than one might expect. Even on a backwater planet like Tatooine, there is conflict, and soon Ben finds himself wrapped up in a decades-long feud between the moisture farmers and their arch nemeses, the Tusken Raiders. Ben must find a way to get to the bottom of an ever-deepening mystery that lies beneath the conflict while also keeping his identity — and his true purpose on Tatooine — a secret.

Star Wars: Kenobi

GUEST REVIEW!

Star Wars: Kenobi

Special guest reviewer Dhruvesh Subramani!

Baba and Ma want me to be a brain surgeon when I grow up, but all I want to do is play Minecraft and read Star Wars books! FUCK Baba and Ma! They want me to go to Johns Hopkins, but I’d rather be a video game tester! Me and my friend Dylan started a YouTube channel where we dunk on all these shitty Android games and there’s this part where Dylan shows his butt and it’s all hairy and gross! Everyone at school thinks we’re stupid but THEY’RE the stupid ones! I’ve written pages and pages about how stupid everyone at school is, and Baba and Ma call me unmotivated?! One day I’ll show them ALL how motivated I can be!

What the fuck was I talking about?! Oh yeah, this book. Dylan let me borrow his copy but he had highlighted all the “good parts” and it took me forever to read because Baba thinks my Adderall prescription was a waste of money even though Ma disagrees! I didn’t like it at all, it made me think about my Biology homework too much and I would rather spend that energy thinking about my M:TG deck builds! Anyway, Kenobi was a book about badass Obi-Wan Kenobi and how he became completely neutered and boring! The story takes place on Tatooine right after Luke Skywalker was born and they sent him to his aunt and uncle’s and Obi-Wan became Ben and he tasked himself with keeping a “watch” on the kid. But he wasn’t watching shit! What he instead did was get involved with these hicks in this podunk shithole where they do the moisture farming and this one lady runs a general store and this lady wants to fuck Obi-Wan but he of course doesn’t for some reason! It sucks! This whole book sucks royally and I threw it right at Dylan’s head the next time I saw him in PE.

Like I said, this thing took me fucking forever to read! Nothing exciting happens for a long time. There are a couple of cool lightsaber battles, but mostly Obi-Wan just talks to the lady who wants to fuck him and he also talks to this guy named Orrin who is a sleazebag piece of shit! There’s also this badass Tusken leader chick named A’Yark who wants to murder their whole podunk town, but Obi-Wan is able to make friends with her and talk her out of it! I personally would’ve been ok with A’Yark murdering these bitches, but it’s also cool that Obi-Wan is such a badass that he can get a crazy Tusken leader lady to back off completely. Obi-Wan is the shit, but this boring book makes him seem like kind of a pussy! Dylan liked Kenobi but all they did was talk about stuff! Not enough cool lightsaber battles!

All and all, I think this book sucked! I’d rather read Life of Pi or whatever other garbage that Baba and Ma want me to read. I wish there were more cool lightsaber battles! Dylan has shit taste in books and I’m going to shove his head in the toilet.

TOM’S REVIEW!

Star Wars: Kenobi

Tom, the Cool Guy

I’ve seen Kenobi described as a Western set in the Star Wars universe. Normally I’d find such a description off-putting and do a hard pass, but since Kenobi is often hailed as one of the best Star Wars books (and perhaps the single best adult Star Wars book, trailing behind young adult Lost Stars), I just had to suck it up and give it a shot.

I get a Western vibe mostly from the setting and not much else. This book takes place entirely on Tatooine and mostly within a small settlement called the Pika Oasis, which is all but described as a desolate wasteland. The whole book is as orange as the cover. The plot is minimalist, the action is sparse, and the events aren’t Earth-shattering. But it’s incredibly engaging to see Ben Kenobi try to lay low on this unfamiliar planet and nevertheless get roped into all sorts of local drama anyway. The story is driven mostly by the characters: Annileen Calwell, a widowed shopkeeper with two teenage kids. Orrin Gault, a moisture farmer / con man who got involved in dealings with Jabba the Hutt. A’Yark, a female Tusken Raider tribe leader with one eye and a penchant for fucking with the humans’ shit. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a self-exiled former Jedi who can’t help being involved and helping the townsfolk even when he tries to lay low. You may already know that guy!

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t put the book down. That distinction is thus far only reserved for Lost Stars. But I found this way more enjoyable than I expected considering the wasteland-like setting and Obi-Wan being near the middle of my preferred characters (who am I kidding? I’m a Han/Leia/Qui-Gon/C-3PO guy and literally everybody else can suck my ding dong). The plot and storytelling was very entertaining, bouncing between local Pika Oasis politics, action against the Tusken Raiders, and tense character interactions. I thought the dialogue was absolutely fucking fantastic, with Annileen’s cynical sarcasm and Orrin’s occasional character-breaking grumpiness cracking me up quite a few times. I honestly thought Obi-Wan was the least interesting part of the story EXCEPT for those occasional meditations and messages to dead Qui-Gon that finalized some of the chapters. If nothing else, it provided more depth to Obi-Wan’s character to supplement the movies. I don’t care if it’s not canon anymore, it’s still good.

Orrin is the Big Bad, a twist you could see coming a mile away especially after A’Yark starts having reasonable conversations with Obi-Wan and Annileen (I like how she refers to Orrin as “The Smiling Man”). He gets his at the end, though! Captured by Tusken Raiders and forced into labor, providing them sweet, sweet, delicious water in return for keeping his life. What a deal!

The ending was bittersweet. Annileen pretty much fell in love with Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan shared a similar fondness, but his place is Tatooine. He had arranged for Annileen and her family a one-way trip to Alderaan so that Annileen could work on the education she had always dreamed of. Sounds like a happy ending, but hopefully her family weren’t still on Alderaan nineteen years later. Because that would be fucked up.

WORTH A READ?

Yes. There are no TIE fighters or X-wings and there are no scenes in space whatsoever, so if you’re into that side of Star Wars then you can just stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister. If you want a good story about a shithole where the characters are both nice to each other and mean to each other, then look no further!

Come for the story, stay for the incredible dialogue. Kudos to John Jackson Miller. This guy knows how to write believable characters.


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