Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “Sound and Fury”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #3 – “Sound and Fury”! In the previous installment, half the issue is Daredevil and Captain America fighting for a barely discernible reason, and the other half is Daredevil scoping out more information about his Jobrani case. It appears that the electronics store that Jobrani used to own has been repurposed to house a bunch of androids who are busy building some machinery. Daredevil infiltrates and gets his ass handed to him. Now he’s strapped to some sort of robot suit with wires attached to his face.

Sounds like another Tuesday night for me! Wubba lubba dub dub!

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [November, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Sound and Fury”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

The next morning’s edition of the Daily Bugle reports upon Daredevil’s investigation. “Daredevil was spotted investigating the vacant Jobrani electronics building. Strange sounds have been heard from the basement…”

I’m sure am glad that the Daily Bugle is up on their shit. They’re getting really good pictures of him flipping around town. I wonder why Daredevil didn’t notice a camera three feet behind him at all times? Did he not see it? lol

Daredevil remains hooked up to this mysterious machine, unable to move or even touch his penis. He’s there paralyzed and suffering while the Avengers are out saving a cat from a tree. And then eating the cat, in Hulk’s case.

Continuing to sense the androids with his whiz-bang radar detection system, he notices irregular heartbeat patterns. He can’t get a sense of these guys. Friends? Foes? Minions? Replicants? Star Trek fans?

A fusion of soundwaves, he surmises. Just more solid, I guess. “Who are you?” he asks. “We have met,” one responds. “I am the Master of Sound.”

I capitalized “Master of Sound” because it’s much more authoritative that way! The Master of Sound’s head is half human, with a wonderful head of hair and a right eye and part of a cheek. The rest of his head is android. “I am Klaw.”

Oh jumping jeepers, not Klaw! Anyone but Klaw!

…

Who the fuck is Klaw?

“Ulysses Klaw. A man transformed into living sound. Fought the Black Panther and the Fantastic Four. Last I’d heard, he’d been turned into an electromagnetic wave broadcast straight into outer space.” Oh, ok, that clears it up. That doesn’t sound like 100 tons of malarkey at all, Mark Waid. You fat goblin. “What on Earth is his connection to a Muslim store owner in a crap New York Neighborhood?” the devilled one asks himself.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

They’ve also been telling you to listen to Macklemore’s discography, which, sir, is a crime in the state of New York.

While Daredevil hangs out unproductively, Foggy Nelson has contacted Ahmed Jobrani with new information about his situation. He’s been hearing voices telling him to drop the case! I’m not lying about that one! Foggy says it right there. See?

“That’s… that’s an error, Mr. Nelson. And has no bearing on–” Jobrani hangs his head. The Fogster tells him that it makes him an unreliable witness on his own behalf, and that the Law Offices of Nelson and/or Murdock cannot help him. HOWEVER, they can refer him to another lawyer! One of those TV lawyers with much, much less in the way of scruples!

Back to Daredevil. He makes small, tiny, miniscule movements while stalling for time. “You’re not Klaw. There’s no hollowness to your voice.

“I am him. We are all him.” Klaw motions to the other androids. “Pieces.”

The androids echo the word “pieces”. “Echoes of a grand harmony.”

Y’know, Echo Klaw was one of Klaw’s soundshadows once! It’s true! Don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about! Everyone knows what a soundshadow is. Eventually, Echo Klaw became more and more unnoticed and independent, causing his “resonance” to “dissipate”. He had trouble surviving without his master, Mr. Klaw. That’s his name. That name again is Mr. Klaw. “So others helped me devise a way to bring him back to me.”

So this fake soundshadow Klaw guy, he worked in secret to build an antenna capable of locating Klaw’s signal and “restoring its cohesion”. Daredevil continues to make his little movements while Echo Klaw yaps about creating echoes of himself to speed up the process of locating Klaw’s signal and “restoring its cohesion”. And he’s their master. The Master of Echoes. That would’ve been a better name than “Master of Sound”, dingus.

“Hidden here, our only threat of exposure was the man who once owned this building.”

AHA! AHA! AHHH HAAA!! THERE IT IS FOLKS! MYSTERY SOLVED! Well, that wraps up the storyline. Stay tuned when I start tackling Mickey Mouse comics and–

Oh, there’s more. The sound guys caused the voices in Jobrani’s head. Another mystery solved.

At this point, Daredevil has done enough tiny movements that he unclasped his right hand. The “chkk” sound it makes is echoed by the group of androids. “Damn it! Of course they’re sound hypersensitive. The second they hear me breaking free, they’re on me like army ants. Fine.”

Indeed, the group are on him like army ants. Fine.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Hey, I know this song! “Oh Yeah” by Yello!

Daredevil twists his hand into painful contortions trying to wrest himself free, which is when he realizes that the metal suit he’s trapped within is the antenna. Better get out of there before he activates it and Daredevil turns into mush, or whatever. I don’t know. What I do know is that is conveniently able to grab his stick. “I may not survive this. I certainly may not come out of it with all my senses intact. But it’s all I know to do. If I need them not to hear me escaping… then I need a big noise.”

Then Daredevil screams like a wuss.

The sound is shattering the androids’ senses. Daredevil’s own ears bleed as he rips free from the suit and the cords. It hurts like a motherfucker, but he presses on. And he’s able to escape! “Where? Doesn’t matter. Away.” Bits and pieces of metal clang on the ground as he scoots away still covered in cords. It’s undignified and embarrassing. He’s getting a headache. Maybe his tummy hurts too.

Whatever the “antenna” is that was part of the suit glows in Daredevil’s hands. It looks like he’s literally about to throw it in a dumpster when an explosion rocks the street! Glass flying everywhere! Overturned cars! The antenna falls from his hands! He can barely sense anything as he feels around the ground for it.

He gets it with his billy club, but another explosion hits and Daredevil holds onto the thing for dear life. It looks like a glowing crown, very un-antenna-like.

“I sure as hell hope I’m standing on the sidewalk… because I’m blind.” He literally says this. Mark Waid wrote this. It’s actually there.

And, no, he’s not standing on the sidewalk. Cars are hilariously swerving around this doofus as he stands there like a costumed lunatic.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

lmao

Then Klaw catches up with him and attempts to wrest the antenna out of his hands. “NO!” he is heard to shout. Daredevil gets his bearings and slowly regains his “sight” while Klaw gets weaker by the second. Then Klaw starts crumbling before our eyes. He looks like if you dragged out a dead, mud-encased body from Pompeii and smacked it with a baseball bat.

Before Klaw crumbles into nothing, Daredevil asks him not so nicely who the others are that helped him engineer this. Klaw utters a name and Daredevil didn’t hear it (even with his super hearing), so now he’s back to square one. He’s still standing in the middle of the street. It doesn’t look like he’s going to move out of the way anytime soon.

Back at the Law Offices of Chandler and Bing, Matt Murdock has a friendly chat w–

“YOU DID WHAT? YOU TOLD EVERY FRIEND WE HAVE IN THIS TOWN THAT JOBRANI WAS HEARING VOICES?”

Murdock is mad.

Foggy has to admit that the Jobrani case isn’t the only one. People are hesitant to stick with Nelson and Murdock until the Daredevil thing blows over. Which it won’t, so don’t even try.

“You planning on not being Daredevil anytime soon?”

“No.”

Then they get an idea! Get a first-year law student to represent Jobrani! Wait, that’s dumb! Here’s an even better idea: Jobrani can represent himself! Perfect! Time for lunch.

Jobrani is nervous about it. Murdock reassures him all scheme-ily.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #3

The devil you know… heh heh heh…

So they go through with the plan. Jobrani is cooperative.

“In the end, I give Jobrani all the ammo I have and sit back for the ride… the white-knuckle ride…”

Murdock spends most of the testification cringing while Jobrani makes a dang ol’ ass out of himself. In the end, though, “justice prevails”. The court finds Ahmed Jobrani ravishing and sexy. Oh yeah, and he wins his case. Good on him.

Murdock and Foggy celebrate later at a bar. Murdock hits on some younger women creepily. When asked if Murdock is Daredevil, Murdock pivots. “Sadly, I cannot tell a lie. We are but two high-powered, wealthy, single attorneys out celebrating our brand new business venture.”

This makes Foggy cough his rancid beer all over the bar. Murdock claims that they now specialize in advising anyone who chooses to represent themselves! “I have six of them already lined up.”

Foggy pees his fat pants.

Final Thoughts

This whole shit about a Klaw clone trying to signal back the real Klaw is some real who-cares nonsense! See you next time!


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Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

* Part 2 of 5 of the Tales of the Vampires limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2! In the previous installment, an old, dangerous captive vampire named Roche regales a group of child Watcher-hopefuls about what it’s like to be a vampire. To really understand them. Get in their heads. See what makes them tick. And a lot of it is human blood and the nighttime.

But there’s other things! We see Spike and Drusilla’s love for one another as a reason for existence. We see a teenage vampire named Stacy finally feeling like she fits in as a part of something magical.

Joss Whedon can really put the human element in something as seemingly black-and-white as murderous vampires. I love this kind of shit!

We move on to Issue #2.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2 [January, 2004]

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

“Tales of the Vampires, Part II” – Joss Whedon

The children stare up at Roche with rapt attention. “But enough about me,” he says. “We’ve heard stories all morning. I believe it’s time… to feed…”

How… very… dramatic. Ellipses can do that. Roche still kinda looks like Abe Vigoda, so maybe Abe Vigoda is actually a vampire right now and he runs around biting people in the dead of night? Can you imagine that shit? I wouldn’t be scared, I’d be laughing.

Anyway, the children leave the room while Roche drinks dog blood or whatever it is that they’re serving him. They have a picnic lunch while talking amongst themselves. I care more about what’s in the lunch than what they’re talking about personally! Looks like delicious sandwiches! “I’m ten years old,” says Sophie, frowning. “I shouldn’t be talking to monsters. I should be playing with very expensive dolls.”

A girl named Edna is suspicious of this whole ordeal. Why would some old piece of shit vampire be used by the Watchers Academy for, and I quote, “children’s story hour”? Well, the other kids know that they’d stake his ass if he didn’t cooperate.

“Then why is he so excited?” Edna wonders.

TIME FOR MORE CHILDREN’S STORY HOUR, KIDDOS! Roche’s mouth is covered in blood. He’s smiling like a mentally challenged horse. “Shall we have more tales?” he jubilates, hiding his boner. The kids don’t really wanna anymore, but their teacher tells them to stfu. His name is Mr. Dunworthy and he looks like he smells like boiled beef. Edna thinks something is very, very off…

“Spot the Vampire” – Jane Espenson

It’s Christmas! We’re at the mall! The story’s narration is in the form of A-B-C-B rhyming poetry. Here, like this: “Search this image before you and study it well, for it harbors a gore-sucking fiend forged in hell.” Cute!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

Well, yeah, but keep focus! We’re here to find the vampire!

So who at this mall is the vampire? Tiny Sue? Mama Rowan? Pam? Pam’s boss? Uncle Moe? Tony Q. Sasone? Jiminy Fleischman? Angie McFadden? Colonel Fezzyloafer? Donnie T.? Maximilian “Lumpy” Conroy?

“The shoplifter flinches, he knows he’s been spotted. But does he want jewels? Or to bite your carotid?”

Is it Edith? Some whiny kid? Jeffrey Epstein? Maybe it’s fuckin’ Santa, bitches! Wouldn’t that be something else?

“No one said evil couldn’t be jolly.”

Is it Patty McO’Malley? Cheeky Joe? Francine with a club foot? Erik Estrada? Big Mean “Vampire Face” Dracula Jones?

“The puzzle’s unfair, the clue is too subtle. I set out to confuse, I sought to befuddle. But I’ve had my fun, you’ve searched high and low. And now, gentle reader, you’re ready to know.”

Is it the narrator? Is it the narrator? Is it the narrator? It’s the narrator, isn’t it? The big who-cares narrator?

Joke’s on everyone. The scene of the mall was in the mirror, and we know mirrors will never reflect the vampire. You are dead before you even realize it. Good day.

“Jack” – Brett Matthews

4 Whitehall Place. London. November 1988.

“Superintendent?”

“What is it, Constable?”

Here’s what it is, Superintendent: you need to speak to the motherfucking Inspector right now. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me. Inspector James Whitcomb. Ever heard of him? He’s too old for the job, see? He’s too old to be wrapped up in… whatever it is he’s wrapped up in at the moment. Superintendent Mallory would have never assigned him the job if it was going to turn out to be… well… uh… you know…

“I appreciate your concern, Mallory. As always.” This old man looks like senile Clint Eastwood. Leave him alone, by the way.

OK, fine then, sir. Inspector. But “there’s been another”. And Superintendent Mallory throws a file on Whitcomb’s desk.

*dun dun duuuunnnn*

Inspector Whitcomb enters a residence full of people. A corpse on the floor is draped in a white sheet. It looks like there was a struggle.

(This story is going to be about Jack the Ripper being a vampire)

Whitcomb takes a peak under the sheet and is like “BRRRTTT”.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

Yet another bukkake victim!

“Jack. All the names in the world… and you choose one as common as that. But you’ve done one thing right, Jack. You’ve got them all asking the wrong question,” Whitcomb thinks as he stares at the front page of the newspaper.

“WHO IS JACK THE RIPPER?”

“But you don’t fool me,” he continues. “I’ve looked too close, too long, too hard.”

Whitcomb’s milky eyes go over charts and sketches of victims. The question isn’t who he is… but rather… now get this… ready?…

…

what.

And he knows. It’s a vampire. Jack is a vampire. Jack the Ripper is a vampire. Jack the Ripper is a filthy vampire.

Late at night, Whitcomb moseys over to the London Bridge (which isn’t falling down), but Jack isn’t “home”. He knows he made too much of a mess of the previous victim to actually get some nourishment out of him. He’s still hungry, and he’s gonna go get more of that precious, precious blood.

Somehow, Whitcomb finds this blood-lecherous Jack with his neck-biting monkeyshines trying to feed off of a young lass. Jack gets distracted by the still-intact woman and leaps toward Whitcomb fangs a-ready. He’s lumpy and gross.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #2

Oh dear, please don’t interrupt my tryst with this dashing, handsome man and his horrible toupee!

“Die, old man,” Jack says, knocking Whitcomb to the ground.

“Yes, Jack, I’m old…” Whitcomb replies, seemingly unhurt. Then he vamps out himself! A twist! “Older than you know.”

Vamp Whitcomb looks like if Albert Einstein did fucks with a werewolf. Whitcomb cracks this Jack character in the face and sends him flying about 1,000,000 feet. “You like attention, Jack? You have mine.” Whitcomb grips Jack’s neck and pushes him up against the brick wall of the bridge. “Writing to papers. Running your mouth. Making a mess of it all… did you really think I’d let you ruin it for us all?”

Whitcomb stakes him and reduces him to dust. Untraceable dust. “You should probably thank me, Jack… I’ve just made you famous.”

Later, Whitcomb approaches Mallory and asks to be reassigned from the Jack the Ripper case after all. Too tough. They may never find him anyway.

“Dust in the wind, Mallory… dust in the wind…”

Final Thoughts

So far so good, although I vastly preferred Issue #1. Still, a fun series! The vampire’s point of view is very interesting.

I wish I could bite some necks for fun, but noooooooo. They would just send me to jail.


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Star Wars: Kenobi by John Jackson Miller

Star Wars Storytime Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Star Wars: Kenobi
by John Jackson Miller

Publication Date:
August 27, 2013

Timeframe:
19 BBY

Synopsis:
Following Order 66, General Obi Wan Kenobi vanished from the galaxy along with all the other Jedi. Years later, he re-emerged as a crazy old hermit by the name of Ben to play a hand in the fate of the galaxy. However, much more happened in the preceding years than one might expect. Even on a backwater planet like Tatooine, there is conflict, and soon Ben finds himself wrapped up in a decades-long feud between the moisture farmers and their arch nemeses, the Tusken Raiders. Ben must find a way to get to the bottom of an ever-deepening mystery that lies beneath the conflict while also keeping his identity — and his true purpose on Tatooine — a secret.

Star Wars: Kenobi

GUEST REVIEW!

Star Wars: Kenobi

Special guest reviewer Dhruvesh Subramani!

Baba and Ma want me to be a brain surgeon when I grow up, but all I want to do is play Minecraft and read Star Wars books! FUCK Baba and Ma! They want me to go to Johns Hopkins, but I’d rather be a video game tester! Me and my friend Dylan started a YouTube channel where we dunk on all these shitty Android games and there’s this part where Dylan shows his butt and it’s all hairy and gross! Everyone at school thinks we’re stupid but THEY’RE the stupid ones! I’ve written pages and pages about how stupid everyone at school is, and Baba and Ma call me unmotivated?! One day I’ll show them ALL how motivated I can be!

What the fuck was I talking about?! Oh yeah, this book. Dylan let me borrow his copy but he had highlighted all the “good parts” and it took me forever to read because Baba thinks my Adderall prescription was a waste of money even though Ma disagrees! I didn’t like it at all, it made me think about my Biology homework too much and I would rather spend that energy thinking about my M:TG deck builds! Anyway, Kenobi was a book about badass Obi-Wan Kenobi and how he became completely neutered and boring! The story takes place on Tatooine right after Luke Skywalker was born and they sent him to his aunt and uncle’s and Obi-Wan became Ben and he tasked himself with keeping a “watch” on the kid. But he wasn’t watching shit! What he instead did was get involved with these hicks in this podunk shithole where they do the moisture farming and this one lady runs a general store and this lady wants to fuck Obi-Wan but he of course doesn’t for some reason! It sucks! This whole book sucks royally and I threw it right at Dylan’s head the next time I saw him in PE.

Like I said, this thing took me fucking forever to read! Nothing exciting happens for a long time. There are a couple of cool lightsaber battles, but mostly Obi-Wan just talks to the lady who wants to fuck him and he also talks to this guy named Orrin who is a sleazebag piece of shit! There’s also this badass Tusken leader chick named A’Yark who wants to murder their whole podunk town, but Obi-Wan is able to make friends with her and talk her out of it! I personally would’ve been ok with A’Yark murdering these bitches, but it’s also cool that Obi-Wan is such a badass that he can get a crazy Tusken leader lady to back off completely. Obi-Wan is the shit, but this boring book makes him seem like kind of a pussy! Dylan liked Kenobi but all they did was talk about stuff! Not enough cool lightsaber battles!

All and all, I think this book sucked! I’d rather read Life of Pi or whatever other garbage that Baba and Ma want me to read. I wish there were more cool lightsaber battles! Dylan has shit taste in books and I’m going to shove his head in the toilet.

TOM’S REVIEW!

Star Wars: Kenobi

Tom, the Cool Guy

I’ve seen Kenobi described as a Western set in the Star Wars universe. Normally I’d find such a description off-putting and do a hard pass, but since Kenobi is often hailed as one of the best Star Wars books (and perhaps the single best adult Star Wars book, trailing behind young adult Lost Stars), I just had to suck it up and give it a shot.

I get a Western vibe mostly from the setting and not much else. This book takes place entirely on Tatooine and mostly within a small settlement called the Pika Oasis, which is all but described as a desolate wasteland. The whole book is as orange as the cover. The plot is minimalist, the action is sparse, and the events aren’t Earth-shattering. But it’s incredibly engaging to see Ben Kenobi try to lay low on this unfamiliar planet and nevertheless get roped into all sorts of local drama anyway. The story is driven mostly by the characters: Annileen Calwell, a widowed shopkeeper with two teenage kids. Orrin Gault, a moisture farmer / con man who got involved in dealings with Jabba the Hutt. A’Yark, a female Tusken Raider tribe leader with one eye and a penchant for fucking with the humans’ shit. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a self-exiled former Jedi who can’t help being involved and helping the townsfolk even when he tries to lay low. You may already know that guy!

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t put the book down. That distinction is thus far only reserved for Lost Stars. But I found this way more enjoyable than I expected considering the wasteland-like setting and Obi-Wan being near the middle of my preferred characters (who am I kidding? I’m a Han/Leia/Qui-Gon/C-3PO guy and literally everybody else can suck my ding dong). The plot and storytelling was very entertaining, bouncing between local Pika Oasis politics, action against the Tusken Raiders, and tense character interactions. I thought the dialogue was absolutely fucking fantastic, with Annileen’s cynical sarcasm and Orrin’s occasional character-breaking grumpiness cracking me up quite a few times. I honestly thought Obi-Wan was the least interesting part of the story EXCEPT for those occasional meditations and messages to dead Qui-Gon that finalized some of the chapters. If nothing else, it provided more depth to Obi-Wan’s character to supplement the movies. I don’t care if it’s not canon anymore, it’s still good.

Orrin is the Big Bad, a twist you could see coming a mile away especially after A’Yark starts having reasonable conversations with Obi-Wan and Annileen (I like how she refers to Orrin as “The Smiling Man”). He gets his at the end, though! Captured by Tusken Raiders and forced into labor, providing them sweet, sweet, delicious water in return for keeping his life. What a deal!

The ending was bittersweet. Annileen pretty much fell in love with Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan shared a similar fondness, but his place is Tatooine. He had arranged for Annileen and her family a one-way trip to Alderaan so that Annileen could work on the education she had always dreamed of. Sounds like a happy ending, but hopefully her family weren’t still on Alderaan nineteen years later. Because that would be fucked up.

WORTH A READ?

Yes. There are no TIE fighters or X-wings and there are no scenes in space whatsoever, so if you’re into that side of Star Wars then you can just stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister. If you want a good story about a shithole where the characters are both nice to each other and mean to each other, then look no further!

Come for the story, stay for the incredible dialogue. Kudos to John Jackson Miller. This guy knows how to write believable characters.


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Six Feet Under, Season 1 – Life Is Fuckin’ BLEAK

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Six Feet Under, Season 1 (2001) (HBO)

Six Feet Under, Season 1
This is a rewatch. Other than Lost, which I barely count, Six Feet Under is the first drama series I’ve ever watched. We’re talking circa 2009, when all I had really seen up to this point was cartoons, Comedy Central, and plenty of Alton Brown. A sad, sheltered television existence.

I remember having a tense love/hate relationship with the show. Half, if not most, of the characters really suck ass. Some of the story arcs aren’t very interesting, and I only remember a few besides. There’s that one episode in Season 4 where David got kidnapped for a night, that one really stuck with me. My wife still hates that she watched it to this day. And yet, we plowed through the series pretty quickly, probably within a month and a half. It was near the end of spring semester of college. If there’s one thing that was captivating about Six Feet Under, it was the relentless morbidity. Don’t watch this show if you have anxiety or depression unless you have a blog that you can write about it in. Hey, that’s me!

There are only a few beats I remember about Season 1:
-David is an incredible slut.
-Billy is a lunatic.
-Claire dates an ugly, but nice, loser.

I also found Brenda incredibly attractive. And isn’t it the attractive people that makes us want to watch TV shows in the first place? It’s why I love The Wire! That Bunk can really melt my butter.

Six Feet Under, Season 1

Speaking of attractive, who are these three handsome, tall drinks of water? (Freddy Rodriguez is 5’6″)

The Premise

The Fisher family owns and runs a funeral home in Los Angeles. The head honcho and patriarch, Nathaniel Fisher (Richard Jenkins), dies in a car accident within the first ten minutes. Ownership of the funeral home gets transferred to his large adult sons Nate (Peter Krause) and David (Michael C. “Dexter” Hall). The former is a down-to-earth, laid-back 35-year-old. The latter is an uptight, no-nonsense 32-year-old. Nate doesn’t really want to help run the funeral home, but he steps up when necessary. David is a big fucking martyr about it and thinks he’s doing everything single-handedly. Which he kind of is. Nate spends a lot of time with his girlfriend Brenda Chenowith (Rachel Griffiths) and not a lot of time kissing the dead bodies in the downstairs morgue.

Six Feet Under, Season 1

Are you sculpting titties on my dead body, son? My last will and testament specifically requests sculpted titties or there’s no inheritance for you.

The other sibling is Claire, a 17-year-old high school student who gets shit for growing up in a funeral home. If she had her choice, she wouldn’t! Their mother is Ruth (Frances Conroy), who is even more uptight than David if you can believe it. I can! I’ve seen the show! Having recently become a widow, she struggles with expressing her emotions and it comes out in random volatile ways. She’s fucking Ed Begley Jr. and she works in a flower shop with a Russian immigrant named Nikolai. Nikolai wants to fuck Ruth.

There’s also Keith Charles, David’s on-again off-again cop boyfriend. Usually ACAB, you know? But Keith is a nice guy. There’s also Federico (Freddy Rodriguez), the often dissatisfied restorative artist of the funeral home. He ends up defecting to a major funeral service corporation for a few episodes, but returns for reasons that escape me. The Fishers are nice to him? They barely pay him. He’s the best in the business. There’s also Billy Chenowith (Jeremy Sisto), Brenda’s wack-a-loon bipolar younger brother. He’s jealous of Nate to the point where he 1) dates Claire for a couple episodes like a pedophile, and 2) threatens Nate directly at least two times. Nate ain’t havin’ it.

The Fisher family slowly implodes over the course of the season. David breaks up with Keith and scours chatrooms and nightclubs to get some random dick while trying to be deacon at his church, running the funeral home, and coming to terms with his sexuality. Claire dates an ugly, slightly mentally ill piece of shit named Gabe who, while nice to her, is quite stupid and somewhat dangerous. Brenda and Billy’s relationship is fraught with baggage they’ve been carrying for decades, and since Billy is totally in love with his sister he acts out in very harmful ways. Nate is often caught in the middle.

And Ruth is Ruth.

Six Feet Under, Season 1

And Claire is Claire.

My Half-Baked Thoughts

A lot of this holds up well for pre-9/11 television. Clothing, hairstyles, and slang isn’t too dated. Homosexuality is handled with empathy (most because Six Feet Under‘s creator, Alan Ball, is gay). Characters are complex, all of them are fucked up, and they face pretty knotty conflicts.

Nate lived away from home when Nathaniel died, and most of his issues stem from regretting his lack of involvement with the family business and feeling bitter that he didn’t know his father very well. You could see it especially during the episode where Nate discovers Nathaniel’s secret room. Nate felt that his father was PACKED TO THE GILLS with secrets. Secrets coming out the wazoo and whatnot. Then later, when Gabe’s stepbrother Anthony accidentally shot himself, Nate projected his own bitterness at Anthony’s deadbeat father. Then, of course, he has to deal with Brenda and Billy. That’s a real trip.

Six Feet Under, Season 1

The voices in my head tell me that I’m the one who gets to fuck my sister. NOT you.

Claire, as we see, deals with alienation at school. Frequent trips to the school psychologist suggests a problem with motivation and lack of direction. When she happens to get a boyfriend, he betrays almost immediately about the weird sexual toe-sucking kink he’s got. It takes a stepbrother’s death to get him back on her good side! But, mostly, she’s just an angsty teenager who really didn’t want to grow up in a funeral home. If I grew up in a funeral home I’d be playing Xbox all fucking day.

Ruth is emotionally repressed. Sexually repressed too, at least in her marriage. I’m sure Nathaniel was too busy to really give her the time of day, or else she wouldn’t have been fucking Stan Sitwell for years! When I first watched Six Feet Under I thought Ruth was a kind of a bitch, but I have a lot more sympathy for her now. You can tell she grew up learning to bottle up her emotions, and now they’re exploding out of her like dynamite.

David has got it the worst. Religious and gay? What a fantastic combination! I can’t see how that would irrevocably fuck someone up at all, man. The guy is wound up so fucking tight. Taking on double duty at the funeral home with dead dad. Dealing with a slacker older brother. WHAT’S A MAN TO DO? Oh, right, how about completely act out and do some hella drugs and go to hella gay bars and cruise for hella dick in hella chat rooms. David is a baller.

Six Feet Under, Season 1

Pictured: David being a baller.

Then there’s Brenda and Billy. The latter goes without saying, whose bipolar disorder led to sorta statutory rape AND slicing his own tattoo off of his back. Nuts. You meet Brenda and Billy’s psychologist parents, who are so infuriatingly narcissistic that you realize it’s impossible for their kids to grow up, you know, normal and stable. Brenda is clearly trying to work on it, but she’s unintentionally roping Nate into a hellish roller coaster ride. The sex must be really good, otherwise, if I were Nate, I would’ve dumped her early on.

Brenda gets better, though! Well, she gets worst first! But then she gets better, I promise!

Worth the Watch?

Yes. This holds up very well. With the glut of good TV out there right now, Six Feet Under is an easy show to overlook. BUT DON’T! There are some bad storylines throughout its run, but everything does, so go fuck ya-self.

Just don’t get mad at Ruth. She’s going through a lot right now.


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Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1

* Part 1 of 5 of the Tales of the Vampires limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Tales of the Vampire, Issue #1!

Following Whedon’s Tales of the Slayers one-shot, Tales of the Vampires presents event more short stories about, I imagine, vampires.

No other introduction necessary! Only because I don’t know what to expect! This is the last bit of business before moving onto, like, “seasons” of Buffy and Angel. I think. I’m telling you, I’m going to be doing this for years.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1 [December, 2003]

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1

“Tales of the Vampires, Part I” – Joss Whedon

Let’s begin! A rather frightening looking man with a torch leads a small group of children through some stony underground catacombs.

“They’re animals.”

“They are not.”

“I don’t know what we’re doing here.”

“They always call them animals.”

“They call you ‘sausage roll’ behind your back, that doesn’t mean you are one.”

“It’s so dark down here…”

The alarmingly ugly man stops and tells the children to stay quiet and calm. He wears what looks like a anti-fuckin’ chastity belt with a cross hanging from it. If I had to guess, we’re in the Middle Ages.

The children are afraid, yet prepared. After all, they need to see the real thing if they are to someday become Watchers! No reading this shit in books, books can’t bite your neck (unless you’re in Discworld!).

“I don’t want to be a Watcher. I want to be a Duchess,” whines one girl. The priest-like scary man with hideous creases in his brow and a terrible mustache unlocks a padlock and opens a door. “Be quiet, children. We are here to learn.”

Creak. Swing. Step step step. Creeeaaakk. Moo. There’s a vampire chained up to a stone wall. His face is all sallow and white; he’s got an Abe Vigoda chin and a Nick Cave haircut. Sophie, the one who wants to be a Duchess, recognizes the creature as Roche. Roche is ready to teach the children a thing or two about vampirin’!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1

Come sit on Pappy’s lap, kiddos! I have Werther’s Originals!

“We’re here to learn your history, then?” asks Duchess Sophie. Roche smiles like the Joker on crack. First, the kids are going to learn about vampires in general. Roche is cooperative, almost eagerly looking forward to teaching another round of prospective Watchers! “We are monsters, you see, not animals, and every one of our… lives… is different. Those who came before me. Those yet to come.”

#1: Vampires don’t leave anything behind when they “die”. Only dust! Which is not “nothing”, so we’re already contradicting ourselves.

#2: Humans can die by conventional means, and you can scare them off with conventional means. With vampires, you have to be super creative. You have to, like, trick ‘em and shit.

While Roche talks, a man appears to be throwing a young woman in a dungeon. I suppose we’ll get to that later.

“The Problem with Vampires” – Drew Goddard

When one suddenly finds themself conscious again, the first thing they need to do is try piecing together bits from their past. For example, a city skyline tells you that you’re in Prague. Your mouth tastes like whiskey and blood, which is exciting at first until you realize most of the blood is your own. Then there’s a stake sticking out of your bloody chest, which is a nuisance. And then, you’re sunk an inch into the ground by the river as if thrown from the bridge above.

“So then. Prague. Drunk. Beaten. Nearly staked. Thrown off a bridge. Left for dead. The sort of night that might make an ordinary person pause and re-evaluate his life.”

“But you’re no ordinary person.”

You rip the stake out of your chest and start to panic when your girlfriend is missing.

Ah ok, so the young woman is this vampire dude’s girlfriend. The so-far unseen man holding her captive has her strapped to an old wooden chair. He points to the wrist and leg cuffs. “As I tighten these screws, the spikes at your arms, legs, and back are slowly driven into your body.”

Sounds horrible! Except this woman is a vampire, so it’s instead, in fact, good.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1

You mean the giant spikes impaling my limbs? I thrive off of this, actually.

Look lady, if you don’t want to suffer with spikes for eternity, it’s time to listen the fuck up. The man shows her the contents of a small box, the kind that has an engagement ring inside. Her look is of surprise.

Meanwhile, New Vampire Jones is biting necks and strangling bitches.

The young vampire woman thinks to herself about how painful the spikes are, and how the inquisitor smells like turnips, cologne, and sweat. “I know what it is you feel,” the man says, lifting up her chin. “You have no conscience. You have no morality. You have no soul. You have nothing except pain. Pain is your nature. You hunger for it. You live to inflict it. It feeds your existence. It is the only thing you truly fear.”

This guy has her number! Being in pain sucks ass! She tries to think of horrible, gruesome things to make her feel better: a baby on fire in an upstairs crib. A woman mangled in a car wreck. Little girls lost at the fair. That one seems less gruesome. “It doesn’t comfort you,” she thinks as the rigid spikes keep her bleeding arms in place.

“…and so to communicate with you, I have to speak in terms you understand. I have to speak in terms of pain.”

This guy thinks he has the upper hand here. And he almost does. She can’t think of ANYTHING else except the pain!

…until… she thinks of him.

These two fucking lovebirds. How romantic is vampire courtship? …it’s a little romantic, actually, I have to admit. There’s something about being together forever that’s just… ok, I’m back to reality now.

Vampire Dude continues chewing up mofos. Vampire Gal has stopped reacting strongly to the pain. “Hmm,” the inquisitor thinks, believing that he has rendered her unconscious. Time to get the holy water and the stake, this one has become a lost cause.

Anyway, we’re just gonna…

Vampire Dude tears through the dungeon door and bites the inquisitor on the neck! Hooah! He rescues Vampire Gal from the spiky chair and cradles her in his arms, all lovey-dovey.

“People think you’re crazy,” thinks Gal.

“They think the only thing you feel is pain,” thinks Dude.

“They don’t understand,” thinks Gal.

“Not that it matters,” thinks Dude.

They have each other, and that’s what matters. A real Monster Mash for the ages.

They’re thinking about travelling to the Hellmouth for the summer! Maybe kill a Slayer! It’s been a while.

The couple are Spike and Drusilla. The end.

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1

Disgusting.

“Stacy” – Joss Whedon

“Nobody gets me,” this nerdy girl thinks while reading Children of Dune. I don’t get her. She’s fascinated with magic. Not magic tricks or illusions or love or any of that happy horseshit, we’re talking pentagrams and mages and floating skulls and +4 Swords of Wildfyre. Stacy saw The Lord of the Rings with her friends, and although she couldn’t take her eyes off of the sultry Elijah Wood, she was more entranced by a world of wizards, witchery, and Bertie Botts’ Every Flavor Beans. Her friends thought the movie was boring and, I quote, “gay”, but Stacy didn’t care. Boys are dumb.

“It isn’t boring if you have magic in your heart.”

What a gay thing to say, Stacy! Jesus H. Christ, dude!

Stacy wishes she were something other than human. Even an elf. Being an elf would be tops! “I wanted to live in that world so hard, to feel the light, to battle with that darkness – instead of battling with Jason trying to feel be up after half a tab of X.”

Fighting orcs! Scary, mean orcs! Fighting without fear! That’s the stuff! That’s the life!

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1

I bet you stayed in your bedroom all day stroking your dick to Transformers and WWE wrestling videos.

We suddenly take a turn. “And I know you’ve never been murdered. I’m making it sound all dramatic, being killed. Actually, it was weird.” It happened at a house party. Everyone got drunk and stupid. While Stacy was helping her friend Dwayne puke his guts out by the side of a house, a man approached the both of them. He looked like if Trent Reznor fucked Keanu Reeves and had a baby made of marshmallow paste. “He looks wicked strung out, but he also has this thing…” We see him tenderly grab her hand.

“He says there’s a meteor shower going on. You can see it around the back of the house. What moron falls for that?”

THIS moron right here! *points to dumbass Stacy who’s about to get hella vamped*

Oh, yes yes. He bites the shit out of her neck.

“I wake up in the bushes. It’s still night – or it’s the next night, ‘cause I don’t hear the party anymore.”

Based on the scents and sights around, she knows that it’s been two days. Two days dead in the bushes and no one found her there. She can see without her glasses. It’s dark as shit outside and she can see, man. “Mostly, though, I can feel. Inside me. You know what I feel?”

“Connection.”

She is welcomed with open arms by Spike, Drusilla, and a small gang of other vampires. She never felt connected as a human. This, though, this was something else. Powerful. Sexy. Pungent?

She’s the orc now!

“Yeah, I know I’m evil, and I know I’m dead. But I’m something else too. I’m magic.”

It’s not the vampires who are animals, it’s the humans who are animals! “You’re meat.”

You see, all those mythical creatures always felt above her. Now she’s on the same plane. She’s just like the rest of them.

“I have magic in my heart.”

Tales of the Vampires, Issue #1

The evening doesn’t get anymore enchanted than this, that’s for damn sure.

Final Thoughts

There’s something… eerily romantic about all this. Romantic in the idyllic sense, not in the gross Spike/Drusilla sense. I like the part that, while reminiscing, Vampire Stacy still has it in her brain to find Elijah Wood attractive. Whedon really knows how to touch upon the human element of the montrously supernatural, and he’s good at finding the parallels between good and evil in a way that can blur the lines once in a while.

It makes me wonder what it would be like to vamp out. I bet I’d get a real kick out of it! I’m only 5% kidding.


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