Fray, Issue #7 – “Chapter Seven: The Gateway”

* Part 7 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #7 – “Chapter Seven: The Gateway”! In the previous installment, Melaka Fray avenges Loo’s death (slightly) by kicking a bunch of Lurks’ asses! News of the complete and utter decimation of this swarm of Lurks gets back to Harth, who is finally genuinely surprised at how strong his sister is. No matter, Icarus will personally make short work of her!

And he arrives shirtless to the warren. Fray ain’t even scared.

What’s going to happen is that they’re going to talk for a bit, fight for a bit, and he’ll retreat to let his master know that he really sucks and is useless to the cause! Icarus never stood a chance.

Fray, Issue #7 [April, 2002]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter Seven: The Gateway”

Fray, Issue #7

Harth takes a sip of blood out of his ornate chalice. “A time of joy is upon us,” he says, addressing his personal pile of dead people. “A time of rebirth… and terrible endings. Awaken.”

Eep, that sounds like it’s going to royally suck for anyone who hates getting attacked by vampires! Speaking of which, Fray and Icarus have a standoff. “So,” he says. “You ready to do this right?”

THEN THEY BUST OUT THE CHESSBOARD. KING’S GAMBIT, FOLLOWED BY THE CUNNINGHAM DEFENSE. THIS ONE’S FOR ALL THE MARBLES.

Smack talking occurs without any movement. Icarus goads her while Fray instructs Urkonn to stand down. “This is my kill,” she says, readying her axe with the pointy stick.

“You really think you can put me down, girl?” Icarus sneers. “What have you got besides a shiny new axe?”

Fray slowly brings the axe down to her side.

“Faith.”

And then a whole mess of faith lands right on top of the Big Bad Vampire.

Fray, Issue #7

Ma’am? This is not a parking spot… ma’am? Excuse me, ma’am?

Erin emerges from the sunroof. “That’s for my brother, dickhead!”

Melaka helps her sister out of the totaled car. “Hope I didn’t spoil your big moment,” Erin says, sizing up her ruined vehicle. “Nah,” Melaka responds, “I’m pretty sure I was about to get my ass killed.”

Now that THAT anticlimactic piece of business is over, Urkonn hands Melaka her axe back with his trademark rictus grin. Erin is like “BAH!”, but Melaka assures her that this particular demon is on their side! “Don’t ask me why,” she adds. No time to continue this little family reunion with Third Wheel Urkonn, there is much to do to prepare for the inevitable attack on the warren. “Icarus coming after me means things are going down probably soon. Tonight.”

Buzzkill Urkonn says that’s not all of it. The Gateway is going to be opened by Dickhead Prime. The Gateway that will allow the demons to return to Earth where they’ll kill your plants and eat all your potato chips. “It will be the destruction of everything,” Urkonn says ominously. They’re going track mud through the house.

This Gateway thing, it’s impossible to know how it’s actually going to open and what Hatch is going to do to get it to open. If it’s one of those combination locks, then it’s going to be really hard to open. That’s a lot of combinations! He’ll be there a while!

Melaka turns to Erin and asks how many people she can recruit to help fight the good fight. The answer is a fat zero, sister. Erin’s cop buddies aren’t talking to her much since she refused to turn in her own sister… but… ugh… fine… she’ll try to convince them… I guess…

GREAT! Sounds good. I hope you have a million friends, Erin, because Harth totally raised a whole army from the dead. Using hella language like “acyalai, tai-ei athrumm moneyti”, some real black magic shenanigans.

Fray, Issue #7

We’re here for the buffet!!

Meanwhile, a small crowd has gathered help in the war against the vampires. There’s Cathy and Gimpy Joe and Jim-Bob with a crowbar. Loo’s parents showed up to avenge their one-armed daughter’s sad death. Mom apologizes to Melaka for tossing her out of the bar that one time. “I know you always looked after Loo,” she tells her. Melaka looks away guiltily.

Even Kettie Rawls showed up and that guy is a penis face! Melaka smiles all the same. “Glad to have you, you fat slug.”

Urkonn is less than optimistic, but Melaka does a whole speech about how their little warren has a lot of heart. Good thing Erin shows up with a whole cavalry, because a lot of heart ain’t enough. You’ll get fucking massacred with heart alone. Remember that kid with the Heart ring from Captain Planet? Useless.

Melaka boggles. Erin pulled through! Good for her! She owed her, god fucking damnit! Good work! “Turns out, there’s more than a few of us have seen enough of the Lurks. And don’t give a rut what the brass says.” Well, the sentiment is nice even if that didn’t make a lick of sense! Melaka has never been so happy to see the police in her life. Usually they’re crushing her neck beneath their knees.

“The ones that will not fight should stay in their homes. Lurks cannot enter a home uninvited.” Looks like Urkonn has watched his share of Buffy! Say what you will about vampires, but at least they aren’t rude!

So remember: stake through the hard, decapitation, sunlight, fire, and Frasier reruns. Anything else will just piss them off. Oh look, there they are now!

*gaggle of drooling vampires saunters up the road*

“They come. Sooner than I’d thought. More than I’d even begun to fear. They come looking for death. And death is psyched to see them.”

Fray, Issue #7

We’re here for the buffet!!

The battle is underway. A big mess of swords and guns and plumes of dust. Screaming burly men and snarling purple demons. Neck stumps. Sweaty palms.

The sheer number of vampires is staggering. The humans don’t have enough manpower. “We’re losing,” Fray thinks as they just keep coming and coming, converging upon the lowly Lowers residents. “The only way of stopping them… is to burn ourselves down. And here’s the real teat-wringer: Just when I start to think the war might be lost… I find out it hasn’t begun.”

Out of nowhere there’s a fucking dinosaur terrorizing the city. I shit you not. wtf.

Should’ve expected it, though. It’s right there on the Issue #7 cover.

“RRAAHRR!” and whatnot.

On its back is the tiny, tiny Harth. He smiles smugly, like he’s riding a demon dinosaur or something equally as ridiculous.

“The Gateway…” Urkonn breathes as he stares up at the massive reptile. “Melaka! Its womb is the Gateway! It will birth legions of demons! It is the portal into our world!” OK, Mr. Big Shot Know-It-All. The womb is the Gateway, huh? How do you know this? Did you skip ahead in the book?

Erin zips by on her flying motorcycle and Melaka grabs onto to the bottom. “Take us up,” she says calmly. “We gotta bring that thing down. Any of your squaddies carrying pulse bombs?”

Hell no, poopypants. They’re on their own. ALSO, it’s fucking Harth up there! Did you see him! He’s wearing his Harry Potter glasses and everything! He’s riding a dinosaur, Mel! That was always something he dreamed about!

The dinosaur swipes at the motorcycle and Erin loses control. Melaka gets shaken and loses her grip.

Fray, Issue #7

This comic book about vampires is starting to lose me with the dinosaurs. Now it seems totally unrealistic!

The dinosaur gobbles Melaka Fray up like a tasty chicken nugget.

Final Thoughts

Short write-up today! The penultimate issue was obviously a setup to the much bigger standoff. Harth is going to get those glasses smacked clean off his stupid nerd face, that’s for certain.

Or Melaka dies. That’s equally as possible!


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 15: “Kinslayer”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

In the Land of Who-Knows-Where, Rand, Loial, and Hurin follow a hopeful Darkfriends trail. I don’t know exactly what Darkfriends smell like, but I’d wager it’s a combination of Fritos and a urinal in a public park bathroom. Eventually, because Loial can get stuff after singing to trees, he sings to some trees and earns himself a quarterstaff! +50 luck! Hurin is having some trouble smelling stuff in this weird, distorted, ugly land. Rand tries to be a cheerleader, but he’s not cute enough. They set up camp when it finally gets dark, and Rand decides to take the first watch. Of course, he’s a shitty watch guard and falls asleep almost immediately.

He dreams about Ba’alzamon again instead of having better dreams like fucking Egwene or eating candy. Ba’alzamon taunts Rand, tells him they’ve run into each other a hundred million times before in different permutations. He calls Rand “Lews Therin”, for example, since he was an old Dragon, you see. He also mentioned the unmentionable and mysterious Black Ajah! He even pulls off a mask and reveals his ugly, burned face! Rand is like “aaahhhh!”

Rand draws a sword and Ba’alzamon turns it white hot, burning the heron symbol into Rand’s palm. Rand then wakes up, heron-burn still there…

Short chapter. Time for lunch.


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Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Book I: Skywalker Strikes storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”! We’re at the end of this whole “Skywalker Strikes” storyline and I haven’t seen Skywalker strike anything but his own dick with a golf club.

In the previous installment, Han and Leia are getting chased down by TIE fighters and then they lose them in a very stormy planet that will kill them if they get too close. Han smiles about this. Leia is mad at him.

Luke ambles around Tatooine looking for answers. Answers to questions like “what is my purpose” and “how do I become a Jedi?” and “did I use the right golf club?” He tries to poke around Kenobi’s old house looking for clues, but Boba Fett shows up to hit him with a smoke bomb. And here we are.

Is this exciting? Not really! But they’re easy to get through at any rate! And isn’t that what matters?

(no)

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [July, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

You’ve got Skywalker in your sights! Take the shot! Snipe his dick!

Boba Fett smacks Luke in the face with the butt of his rifle. Now he points said rifle at Luke’s head. Fett says as much: “Stay down.”

Luke doesn’t stay down! He gets up and punches Fett really hard on his armor, which was the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a Star Wars comic so far.

“Why can’t I see? What was that, a flash grenade?”

“I said don’t move.”

Fett’s not fucking around. Luke’s trying to distract with questions, but Fett’s too smart for that I’m-gonna-explain-everything shit. Luke gets kicked in the face for being so insolent and difficult. “You could’ve walked. But I can just as easily carry you to my ship.”

Out comes the lightsaber! Like a beacon of “hope” and “integrity”, Luke wields it in front of his face like he’s wrestling a garden snake and losing. “I’m not going anywhere with you,” he says, voice cracking, sweat pouring down his bug-eyed face. Fett is undeterred. He even laughs! Like this: “guffaw *snort*”

Defending the honor of old Ben Kenobi’s seedy hovel, Luke starts swinging his lightsaber blindly around the room. Ruining walls and shit. He’s actually able to hold Fett off, which is ridiculous because I once saw Luke try to put on his pants and he kept getting it backwards for over an hour.

OK, so they’re in a tussle. Meanwhile, Han and Leia are frolicking around what turns out to be a rather beautiful planet. So much for getting killed in an electric storm. They don’t look very dead at all to me.

Han Solo knew this planet was the bee’s knees since he and Chewbacca crash-landed here a few years back. No one else knows about this place, guaranteed. No one else in the whole dang galaxy! Trust him, Leia. He’s kinda the best!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

How can you think about TIE fighters at a time like this? I’m the best. That’s the topic of discussion right now.

And don’t even worry about Imperial fighters. Those spacecrafts are garbage. They’ll get broken up into a million pieces by the electrical storm before you can say “Spock’s ears”. And their scanners can’t get through the cloud atmosphere. They’re safe as hell here. Perhaps it can be a good base for the Rebellion? That would be nifty keen.

But, for now, since they’re the only two here… Han pulls out a bottle of wine and two tumblers and gives Leia some “let’s get fuckin’” eyes. *wink*

The TIE fighter pilots talk amongst themselves. “They must be dead. There’s no way they could survive in those storms this long. I say we call it and head back to the warship.”

Do you chowderheads think that Darth Aloysius Vader is going to just give up? You better make damn cunting sure that your targets are adequately snuffed out. While they deliberate, that one bounty hunter guy who is looking for Han starts flying into view. “Attention, unknown vessel! Identify yourself immediately!” The bounty hunter is like “meh” and keeps on heading right for the planet.

Oh look, Mark Hamill and Boba Fett are still fighting. It’s cute the way Luke goes NNNG! and GAGGH! He’s trying so hard, the little scamp.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Oh yeah, then what’s all this “use the force Luke, use the force Luke, use the force Luke” I’ve been hearing on repeat in my head for days? Volume way up! I can’t even sleep!

Fett shoots him in the arm. “I’m supposed to bring you in alive. But ‘alive’ just means breathing.”

Luke looks constipated. “A Jedi… can feel the Force…flowing through him.”

Force or no Force, Fett shoots again and Luke lucks out by blocking it with his barely-moving lightsaber. The blast ricochets back to Fett who is like “ow!” Before long, Fett gets on top of Luke and is inches away from snuffing the life out of him. R2-D2 wakes up with a BEEP. Luke uses his precious Force and smacks Fett in the back of the head with the “For Luke” box, rendering him unconscious. Luke doesn’t even know what happened! He makes mentally-challenged faces.

Anyway, whatever. Must have been the wind! Luke grabs the box and leaves the house with R2-D2.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Oh, Princess, looks like you’re a squirter!

Leia throws the wine in Han’s face because, let’s face it, playing hard to get is way more fun. “This is low, even for a scoundrel like you,” Leia sneers. “We are running for our lives from the Empire while on a mission of vital importance to the Rebellion. This is no time for your cheap attempts at seduction.”

There’s always a time for Han Solo’s cheap attempts at seduction! But I suppose she has a point (that’s me talking. Han doesn’t think Leia has a point). Leia storms off while Han follows, whining about being a NICE GUY. In the midst of the bickering, Leia hears the unmistakable sound of a ship (“moo”).

A ship descends upon the plain.

“That’s not an Imperial ship. I thought you said no one else know about this place,” Leia panics.

“We should run,” Han says, losing his nerve. “Now.”

And run they do. Mr. Bounty Hunter fires his lasers and blasts the ground while the two narrowly dodge each attack. The ship lands and the bounty hunter disembarks.

“Han, who is it?” Leia asks. “Who found us?”

“Why bother asking him?” the bounty hunter replies.

Mr. Bounty Hunter is actually a Ms. Bounty Hunter! “He’d just lie. It’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. I should know. The name is Sana Solo. I’m his wife.”

HAHA! Just like real life! Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher bone at the expense of Mary “Sana Solo” Marquardt. Han palms his forehead. Leia’s eyes bug out of their sockets. Sana Solo aims her gun right at Leia’s face. “Now who the hell might you be, lady?”

Eep. Uh, heh heh. Uhh, what’s going on with Luke?? Yeah, let’s focus on Luke. He’s getting his vision back slowly. He buckles himself into his X-wing and pops open the “For Luke” box. It contains a ratty old book. “The Journals of Ben Kenobi”. Looks like we get to read Obi-Wan’s angsty LiveJournal! I can’t wait until Issue #7! Maybe he has a DeviantArt account.

Boba Fett reports back to Darth Aloysius Vader. “I lost him.”

Vader appears disappointed. “That is most disappointing.”

Fett has a name though.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

As opposed to “Bladerunner”. Talk to Han about that.

Skywalker, eh?

Skywalker.

Hmm. Skywalker.

I wonder if that means anything to Darth “Anakin Peterson” Vader?

Final Thoughts

SHIT IS GOING DOWN.

I WONDER IF LUKE WILL BECOME A JEDI.

I WONDER WHAT PLANET THEY’LL FIND FOR THE REBEL BASE.

I WONDER IF DARTH VADER WILL EVER CHANGE OUT OF HIS “TUESDAY” UNDERWEAR AS THERE HAS BEEN AT LEAST 100 TUESDAYS SINCE HE FIRST PUT IT ON.


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Sitting for Five Motherfucking Hours Straight

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Polynesia

SIT STILL, GODDAMNIT

As I sit here somewhat preoccupied by my first appointment on August 18th with a nagging feeling that maaaaaybe I shouldn’t be doing this, I remind myself of several reassuring facts:

1) I’ve been thinking about this for years.
2) I’m willing to put down a lot of money for this.
3) I’m excited to see what the art is going to look like when it’s ready.
4) I’m willing to sit in a tattoo studio with a stranger touching me for a total net time of 20 hours.

Number 4 is especially damning, since I’m not even willing to call Xfinity and talk to a live person about lowering my internet bill. My faucet hose has been leaking for three years, and I’d rather deal with it by changing the pot out from under the sink every four days instead of calling someone to visit my house to install a new one. I have anxiety, butthead. It’s terrible. But I’m not anxious about spending an afternoon with a guy I don’t know who I’m paying good money to wreck my arm for the rest of my life! I must want it pretty bad.

As I rapidly run out of reasons to truly not want this thing, I’m left with one last fear (at least at this moment): my sessions will all be from 12pm – 5pm, with occasional breaks. Five hours is a really fucking long time to sit anywhere doing ANYTHING. I’ve been on a five-hour train ride with nothing but an iPod and it was very hard to sit still after about three hours. All sorts of shifting and moving in my seat. All sorts of causing a huge problem for a tattoo artist who needs me to, like, not squirm at all. FIVE hours.

During another one of my obsessive Reddit excursions where I type Google Search prompts such as “reddit what do you do for long tattoo sessions” and “reddit oh god what the hell am i getting myself into”, I’ve come across some very valuable tips regarding my fear of a torturously long span of time:

Talk to the artists and the clientele in the shop!
Oh FUCK no, dude. That’s not fucking happening. What am I going to talk about? My crippling social anxiety? Ha ha ha ha haaaa! No.

Watch movies on your phone.
OK, this is an idea, sure. My plan is to alternate between podcasts and music pretty much the entire time, which sounds like a good way to pass the time in theory, but one’s mind starts to wander around, oh, minute number 165. Plus, how am I supposed to listen to Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo? That shit is never not funny! I’ll be shaking in my chair with uncontrollable snickering, turning my arm into a Jackson Pollock painting. No sir.

Just sit there and focus on your breathing.
Shut up, idiot. This was a real person suggesting on Reddit to just sit there and breathe and try to enjoy it. This dude obviously never actually got a tattoo in his life. I am not going to “breathe and enjoy it” while having 3,000 needles per minute jabbed into my skin. I’m going to “breathe and wish I was dead”.

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Fidget Spinners

Perhaps I’ll get to use some hella fidget spinners! Not at all disruptive!

Now, the one tattoo that I currently have only took about 40 minutes to plop onto my skin and I did actually kind of enjoy it. It was certainly an interesting sensation, to say the least. 40 minutes isn’t five hours, but it’s a decent chunk of time and I did spend it talking to the artist. It was mostly dorky-ass questions like “hey, did your tattoos hurt?” and “hey, will this tattoo hurt?” and “hey, tattoos?!”, but he was very nice about it and I’m glad I was able to waste his time with something a child could have done for me in her basement using sharp sticks with finger paint on them.

I read all sorts of testimonials about people having to tap out before the five-hour mark, but most of them were getting tattoos in sensitive areas like their thighs, collar bones, and taints. My artist specifically told me that there was no part of my upper arm that should be bad enough to want to give up mid-session, but if the adrenaline runs out after hour three and it’s just going to be pain for the next two hours, then you can bet your extremely fat butt that I’m going to be wanting to do something else besides sit there and concentrate on my breathing.

Maybe the guy will let me bring a yo-yo.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 14: “Wolfbrother”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand, Loial, and Hurin have disappeared into some sixth dimension, and Ingtar is beyond pissed off. His fucking sniffer just up and left? Preposterous! Now who’s going to sniff? They’ll never find the Horn without some hardcore sniffin’!

Mat actually holds his tongue about Rand being the Dragon Reborn and possibly running far away, which is commendable. Perrin is sheepish and considers using his wolfy powers to sniff things out. He reaches out with his wolfiness and contacts a pack of wolves who at first ask if he’s Elyas (the dude from The Eye of the World who hung out with wolves), and then actually recognize him as Perrin. They call him “Young Bull”, which is my porn name.

Perrin asks the wolves if they’ve seen the three disappeared mopes, and they have not since the previous night. Then Perrin asks if they’ve seen Padan Fain’s Merry Band of Darkfriends and Degenerates, and yes. They have. They’re going south. Always going south.

With this knowledge, Perrin approaches Ingtar and admits that he can speak to wolves. Ingtar is sympathetic, knowing legends of this power, and advises Perrin to keep it under his hat and pretend that he might just be a sniffer. Ingtar even knows Elyas since he was a former Warder.

They make their way south, eventually getting approached by Verin the Brown Ajah on a horse, sent by Moiraine. She found the dead Myrddraal nailed to the door interesting because she’s a dang sociopath. She also wants to know where Rand is, but they obviously have no clue. Verin wants to ride alongside Ingtar to learn everything he knows about Rand and his involvement.

Mat and Perrin are suspicious of Verin’s intentions.

I think Verin needs to get a boyfriend or a hobby or something.


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