Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Book I: Skywalker Strikes storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”! We’re at the end of this whole “Skywalker Strikes” storyline and I haven’t seen Skywalker strike anything but his own dick with a golf club.

In the previous installment, Han and Leia are getting chased down by TIE fighters and then they lose them in a very stormy planet that will kill them if they get too close. Han smiles about this. Leia is mad at him.

Luke ambles around Tatooine looking for answers. Answers to questions like “what is my purpose” and “how do I become a Jedi?” and “did I use the right golf club?” He tries to poke around Kenobi’s old house looking for clues, but Boba Fett shows up to hit him with a smoke bomb. And here we are.

Is this exciting? Not really! But they’re easy to get through at any rate! And isn’t that what matters?

(no)

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [July, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 6)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

You’ve got Skywalker in your sights! Take the shot! Snipe his dick!

Boba Fett smacks Luke in the face with the butt of his rifle. Now he points said rifle at Luke’s head. Fett says as much: “Stay down.”

Luke doesn’t stay down! He gets up and punches Fett really hard on his armor, which was the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a Star Wars comic so far.

“Why can’t I see? What was that, a flash grenade?”

“I said don’t move.”

Fett’s not fucking around. Luke’s trying to distract with questions, but Fett’s too smart for that I’m-gonna-explain-everything shit. Luke gets kicked in the face for being so insolent and difficult. “You could’ve walked. But I can just as easily carry you to my ship.”

Out comes the lightsaber! Like a beacon of “hope” and “integrity”, Luke wields it in front of his face like he’s wrestling a garden snake and losing. “I’m not going anywhere with you,” he says, voice cracking, sweat pouring down his bug-eyed face. Fett is undeterred. He even laughs! Like this: “guffaw *snort*”

Defending the honor of old Ben Kenobi’s seedy hovel, Luke starts swinging his lightsaber blindly around the room. Ruining walls and shit. He’s actually able to hold Fett off, which is ridiculous because I once saw Luke try to put on his pants and he kept getting it backwards for over an hour.

OK, so they’re in a tussle. Meanwhile, Han and Leia are frolicking around what turns out to be a rather beautiful planet. So much for getting killed in an electric storm. They don’t look very dead at all to me.

Han Solo knew this planet was the bee’s knees since he and Chewbacca crash-landed here a few years back. No one else knows about this place, guaranteed. No one else in the whole dang galaxy! Trust him, Leia. He’s kinda the best!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

How can you think about TIE fighters at a time like this? I’m the best. That’s the topic of discussion right now.

And don’t even worry about Imperial fighters. Those spacecrafts are garbage. They’ll get broken up into a million pieces by the electrical storm before you can say “Spock’s ears”. And their scanners can’t get through the cloud atmosphere. They’re safe as hell here. Perhaps it can be a good base for the Rebellion? That would be nifty keen.

But, for now, since they’re the only two here… Han pulls out a bottle of wine and two tumblers and gives Leia some “let’s get fuckin’” eyes. *wink*

The TIE fighter pilots talk amongst themselves. “They must be dead. There’s no way they could survive in those storms this long. I say we call it and head back to the warship.”

Do you chowderheads think that Darth Aloysius Vader is going to just give up? You better make damn cunting sure that your targets are adequately snuffed out. While they deliberate, that one bounty hunter guy who is looking for Han starts flying into view. “Attention, unknown vessel! Identify yourself immediately!” The bounty hunter is like “meh” and keeps on heading right for the planet.

Oh look, Mark Hamill and Boba Fett are still fighting. It’s cute the way Luke goes NNNG! and GAGGH! He’s trying so hard, the little scamp.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Oh yeah, then what’s all this “use the force Luke, use the force Luke, use the force Luke” I’ve been hearing on repeat in my head for days? Volume way up! I can’t even sleep!

Fett shoots him in the arm. “I’m supposed to bring you in alive. But ‘alive’ just means breathing.”

Luke looks constipated. “A Jedi… can feel the Force…flowing through him.”

Force or no Force, Fett shoots again and Luke lucks out by blocking it with his barely-moving lightsaber. The blast ricochets back to Fett who is like “ow!” Before long, Fett gets on top of Luke and is inches away from snuffing the life out of him. R2-D2 wakes up with a BEEP. Luke uses his precious Force and smacks Fett in the back of the head with the “For Luke” box, rendering him unconscious. Luke doesn’t even know what happened! He makes mentally-challenged faces.

Anyway, whatever. Must have been the wind! Luke grabs the box and leaves the house with R2-D2.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Oh, Princess, looks like you’re a squirter!

Leia throws the wine in Han’s face because, let’s face it, playing hard to get is way more fun. “This is low, even for a scoundrel like you,” Leia sneers. “We are running for our lives from the Empire while on a mission of vital importance to the Rebellion. This is no time for your cheap attempts at seduction.”

There’s always a time for Han Solo’s cheap attempts at seduction! But I suppose she has a point (that’s me talking. Han doesn’t think Leia has a point). Leia storms off while Han follows, whining about being a NICE GUY. In the midst of the bickering, Leia hears the unmistakable sound of a ship (“moo”).

A ship descends upon the plain.

“That’s not an Imperial ship. I thought you said no one else know about this place,” Leia panics.

“We should run,” Han says, losing his nerve. “Now.”

And run they do. Mr. Bounty Hunter fires his lasers and blasts the ground while the two narrowly dodge each attack. The ship lands and the bounty hunter disembarks.

“Han, who is it?” Leia asks. “Who found us?”

“Why bother asking him?” the bounty hunter replies.

Mr. Bounty Hunter is actually a Ms. Bounty Hunter! “He’d just lie. It’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. I should know. The name is Sana Solo. I’m his wife.”

HAHA! Just like real life! Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher bone at the expense of Mary “Sana Solo” Marquardt. Han palms his forehead. Leia’s eyes bug out of their sockets. Sana Solo aims her gun right at Leia’s face. “Now who the hell might you be, lady?”

Eep. Uh, heh heh. Uhh, what’s going on with Luke?? Yeah, let’s focus on Luke. He’s getting his vision back slowly. He buckles himself into his X-wing and pops open the “For Luke” box. It contains a ratty old book. “The Journals of Ben Kenobi”. Looks like we get to read Obi-Wan’s angsty LiveJournal! I can’t wait until Issue #7! Maybe he has a DeviantArt account.

Boba Fett reports back to Darth Aloysius Vader. “I lost him.”

Vader appears disappointed. “That is most disappointing.”

Fett has a name though.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #6

As opposed to “Bladerunner”. Talk to Han about that.

Skywalker, eh?

Skywalker.

Hmm. Skywalker.

I wonder if that means anything to Darth “Anakin Peterson” Vader?

Final Thoughts

SHIT IS GOING DOWN.

I WONDER IF LUKE WILL BECOME A JEDI.

I WONDER WHAT PLANET THEY’LL FIND FOR THE REBEL BASE.

I WONDER IF DARTH VADER WILL EVER CHANGE OUT OF HIS “TUESDAY” UNDERWEAR AS THERE HAS BEEN AT LEAST 100 TUESDAYS SINCE HE FIRST PUT IT ON.


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Sitting for Five Motherfucking Hours Straight

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Polynesia

SIT STILL, GODDAMNIT

As I sit here somewhat preoccupied by my first appointment on August 18th with a nagging feeling that maaaaaybe I shouldn’t be doing this, I remind myself of several reassuring facts:

1) I’ve been thinking about this for years.
2) I’m willing to put down a lot of money for this.
3) I’m excited to see what the art is going to look like when it’s ready.
4) I’m willing to sit in a tattoo studio with a stranger touching me for a total net time of 20 hours.

Number 4 is especially damning, since I’m not even willing to call Xfinity and talk to a live person about lowering my internet bill. My faucet hose has been leaking for three years, and I’d rather deal with it by changing the pot out from under the sink every four days instead of calling someone to visit my house to install a new one. I have anxiety, butthead. It’s terrible. But I’m not anxious about spending an afternoon with a guy I don’t know who I’m paying good money to wreck my arm for the rest of my life! I must want it pretty bad.

As I rapidly run out of reasons to truly not want this thing, I’m left with one last fear (at least at this moment): my sessions will all be from 12pm – 5pm, with occasional breaks. Five hours is a really fucking long time to sit anywhere doing ANYTHING. I’ve been on a five-hour train ride with nothing but an iPod and it was very hard to sit still after about three hours. All sorts of shifting and moving in my seat. All sorts of causing a huge problem for a tattoo artist who needs me to, like, not squirm at all. FIVE hours.

During another one of my obsessive Reddit excursions where I type Google Search prompts such as “reddit what do you do for long tattoo sessions” and “reddit oh god what the hell am i getting myself into”, I’ve come across some very valuable tips regarding my fear of a torturously long span of time:

Talk to the artists and the clientele in the shop!
Oh FUCK no, dude. That’s not fucking happening. What am I going to talk about? My crippling social anxiety? Ha ha ha ha haaaa! No.

Watch movies on your phone.
OK, this is an idea, sure. My plan is to alternate between podcasts and music pretty much the entire time, which sounds like a good way to pass the time in theory, but one’s mind starts to wander around, oh, minute number 165. Plus, how am I supposed to listen to Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo? That shit is never not funny! I’ll be shaking in my chair with uncontrollable snickering, turning my arm into a Jackson Pollock painting. No sir.

Just sit there and focus on your breathing.
Shut up, idiot. This was a real person suggesting on Reddit to just sit there and breathe and try to enjoy it. This dude obviously never actually got a tattoo in his life. I am not going to “breathe and enjoy it” while having 3,000 needles per minute jabbed into my skin. I’m going to “breathe and wish I was dead”.

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Fidget Spinners

Perhaps I’ll get to use some hella fidget spinners! Not at all disruptive!

Now, the one tattoo that I currently have only took about 40 minutes to plop onto my skin and I did actually kind of enjoy it. It was certainly an interesting sensation, to say the least. 40 minutes isn’t five hours, but it’s a decent chunk of time and I did spend it talking to the artist. It was mostly dorky-ass questions like “hey, did your tattoos hurt?” and “hey, will this tattoo hurt?” and “hey, tattoos?!”, but he was very nice about it and I’m glad I was able to waste his time with something a child could have done for me in her basement using sharp sticks with finger paint on them.

I read all sorts of testimonials about people having to tap out before the five-hour mark, but most of them were getting tattoos in sensitive areas like their thighs, collar bones, and taints. My artist specifically told me that there was no part of my upper arm that should be bad enough to want to give up mid-session, but if the adrenaline runs out after hour three and it’s just going to be pain for the next two hours, then you can bet your extremely fat butt that I’m going to be wanting to do something else besides sit there and concentrate on my breathing.

Maybe the guy will let me bring a yo-yo.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 14: “Wolfbrother”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand, Loial, and Hurin have disappeared into some sixth dimension, and Ingtar is beyond pissed off. His fucking sniffer just up and left? Preposterous! Now who’s going to sniff? They’ll never find the Horn without some hardcore sniffin’!

Mat actually holds his tongue about Rand being the Dragon Reborn and possibly running far away, which is commendable. Perrin is sheepish and considers using his wolfy powers to sniff things out. He reaches out with his wolfiness and contacts a pack of wolves who at first ask if he’s Elyas (the dude from The Eye of the World who hung out with wolves), and then actually recognize him as Perrin. They call him “Young Bull”, which is my porn name.

Perrin asks the wolves if they’ve seen the three disappeared mopes, and they have not since the previous night. Then Perrin asks if they’ve seen Padan Fain’s Merry Band of Darkfriends and Degenerates, and yes. They have. They’re going south. Always going south.

With this knowledge, Perrin approaches Ingtar and admits that he can speak to wolves. Ingtar is sympathetic, knowing legends of this power, and advises Perrin to keep it under his hat and pretend that he might just be a sniffer. Ingtar even knows Elyas since he was a former Warder.

They make their way south, eventually getting approached by Verin the Brown Ajah on a horse, sent by Moiraine. She found the dead Myrddraal nailed to the door interesting because she’s a dang sociopath. She also wants to know where Rand is, but they obviously have no clue. Verin wants to ride alongside Ingtar to learn everything he knows about Rand and his involvement.

Mat and Perrin are suspicious of Verin’s intentions.

I think Verin needs to get a boyfriend or a hobby or something.


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Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Rules of Engagement storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, there’s a whole thing where Bruce and Alfred fight Lex Luthor’s mechanical bat while said mechanical bat attempts to control Bruce’s Batjet. It’s dumb and takes up a lot of comic book real estate.

In the end, Lex Luthor broadcasts a message to Gotham that they’ve let the monsters and the freaks and the wackaloons get away with shit for far too long. He has taken over the military. It’s martial law, baby!

Things are getting “good”. I “look forward” to more. Pfft, yeah right, man. I’m in no mood for Batman today. Especially when things are Confidential. It’s like, you know… just tell me. Why keep anything such a secret?

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [June, 2007]
Written by: Andy Diggle
“Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

“AREA ONE IS UNDER ATTACK! ALL UNITS ENGAGE!”

Lex’ robot army battens down the hatches. Then they start shooting a real army with the green military helmets and the enormous walkie-talkies. “General, we have to fall back! It’s a slaughterhouse out there!”

No! You just got there! Give it a little more than two minutes, Private! A commanding officer dude with a Hitler mustache wonders dopily where their reinforcements are. Well, sir, they all got killed lol. And guess what? Every army base in the country is getting all fucked up, if that makes you feel any better. And it should!

Suddenly, the hangar doors of Area One are opening. Are they surrendering? Do they want to say they’re sorry with a round of root beers and blowjobs?

Well, unless this absolutely enormous defense robot is getting its wet mouth ready, I’d say not at all!

“This is insane! We can’t fight that–!”

“This is our chance!” responds Dopey Hitler. “While those blast doors are open! If we hit them with everything we’ve got right now, we can storm the hangar and–”

“But sir, that’s suicide–!”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Heil Dopey Hitler!

SUICIDE?! SUICIDE?! I’LL SHOW YOU SUICIDE!

*shows photo of wife’s suicide*

SEE?! NOW STORM THAT HANGAR!

Some other voice on the radio tells the men to stand down. It can’t be Batman, because he doesn’t know how to hack into the army’s communications grid! It must be someone smarter like Reed Richards or Robert Downey, Jr. or Godzilla.

While their radio’s getting hacked, something approaches at Mach 4. That’s about 4 times the speed of a 1988 Buick Regal, for those of you who aren’t technically inclined.

It’s Batman. He’s in a Batjet. He’s going to Batkick everyone’s Batass. He fucking flies like an out of control eagle with Down’s syndrome into the Area One base, almost plowing into it and disintegrating into 4,000,000,000 pieces. He launches shit at the giant defense robot and keeps flying like a dingus.

“Warning! Incoming! Impact in five seconds! Evade! Evade!”

“Not yet,” Batman reacts calmly to his alarming alarm. “Not yet.”

He does something heroic and damaging and we can all go home now.

“Warning! Target lock reacquired! Countermeasures ineffective! Missiles closing! Impact in 12 seconds!”

It appears that a barrage of heat-seeking missiles are unable to be diverted by Batman’s cunning! He’s going to get blasted like a pretty 18-year-old in a bukkake video.

Then one hits the giant defense robot in the face. Bukkake-style.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Seatbelts save lives, cocksuckers.

Batman gets on his Batmotorcycle and rides the hogg right down the Batramp on his Batjet. He falls, presumably, thousands of feet on this thing while shit keeps blowing up all around him. More missiles hit the giant defense robot.

Batman lands safely on the ground, somehow, and books it while the giant defense robot crashes around him.

“Auto-destruct. Five second countdown,” he says into his dashboard. “On my mark.”

In five seconds, Batman grapples onto a beam inside this base and flies off his motorcycle. The motorcycle crashes and blows up around a bunch of robot army drones. We all celebrate bukkake-style.

“Hammer time, Bat Boy. Eat depleted uranium–!” yells an alive robot, still kicking, using terms like “hammer time” in the 21st century. This robot starts blasting its, what is it now? Depleted uranium gun? Cool.

Batman throws a batarang. It hits a switch on the robot that makes it shit out a ton of depleted uranium bullets. This is what we call “comic relief”.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Gimme a kiss!

Batman leaps onto the robot and sticks something very sharp into a port on the top of its head. “Command input updated,” it chirps. “Standing by.”

It stands by, all right. Silent and unmoving. Batman has infiltrated the base! I repeat, Batman is in the base!

Lex stands there fist clenched and looking like emaciated Stanley Tucci.

“…BATMAN IS WHAT?”

Final Thoughts

Didn’t you hear, Lex? Batman is in the base!

One more issue left of this abysmal trash, then I’m going to read Archie! Just kidding! I’m going to read Betty and Veronica.


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Yo La Tengo, The Men, and Fever Ray

Well into the second half of 2023 and I’ve only done TWO of these this year. TWO! Inexcusable! I’m going to try my darnedest to try and rectify this for the rest of the year, since I have listened to a lot of new albums and I do have opinions!

Who am I kidding? This is going to be a lean year for Newer Release Roundups, isn’t it. I’m such a failure! *cuts wrists* *gets angry emails about my insensitivity toward suicide, a serious subject to be sure* *cuts cheese*

Here are reviews for Yo La Tengo, The Men, and Fever Ray.

Yo La Tengo – This Stupid World
(February 10, 2023)

Yo La Tengo - This Stupid World

My relationship with Yo La Tengo is conditional and somewhat tenuous. I love about half of their schtick, and I’m underwhelmed and bored by the other half. When they’re good, they’re fucking good. Scratchy guitar and feedback noise over steady, addictive rhythms? Great! Ambient, plodding soundscapes with Ira Kaplan’s sleepy voice? Not great!

I haven’t loved a Yo La Tengo album since 2006’s I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass (or an album title, for that matter). Everything since has been good, but underwhelming, at best. Dreadfully dull at worst. Don’t even get me started on 2020’s snorefest We Have Amnesia Sometimes. It just seemed like the band was drifting more into this background music direction. I was expecting more of the same going into This Stupid World, so imagine my complete delight that it was a return to form! Scratchy guitar and feedback noise over steady, addictive rhythms! Give me more of what I want, shitheads!

“Sinatra Drive Breakdown” is a great start. That tasty motorik beat plods along while Ira Kaplan forgets how to play guitar for two minutes in the middle. It’s like he’s fighting with it and it’s winning, until he slowly locks back into the groove. It’s such a fun listen, and the highlight of the album for me. But the rest of it ain’t no slouch! I also really, really like the next track, “Fallout”, and “Brain Capers” later on. Gimme some more of that ’90s hipster post-rock-adjacent lively-slacker nostalgia, please. “Aselestine” is entirely Georgia Hubley, and it’s beautiful, lazy, and relaxed. Even the slow burns are nuanced and interesting. Like “Until It Happens”, which has these cool little, happy slide guitar notes during the, uh, “chorus”.

Even though This Stupid World was dropped in February, the record gives me some strong hazy, summery vibes. Like an open fire hydrant and ice cream melting on the sidewalk. Maybe I just wish I were outside right now instead of stuck at work where I’m writing this instead of doing my job!

(If my boss is reading this, I promise that I’m doing my job.)

Early Verdict:

The Men – New York City
(February 3, 2023)

The Men - New York City

I stopped following The Men after their 2014 album Tomorrow’s Hits, which I loved. Starting out as noisy and raucous as a band like Flipper, The Men mellowed out progressively with each subsequent album. The ironically named Tomorrow’s Hits felt like an Americana classic rock pastiche, channeling artists like Bruce Springsteen, Elvis, and Tom Petty with not much room for raucousness (except for the hyperactive blues of “Pearly Gates” — the Rolling Stones on speed).

So, I don’t know what The Men did for three more albums, but New York City can’t be anything but a continuation of evolution. We have gone back to the punk edge, still with a lot of early rock-and-roll influences. A lot of this album sounds like Black Flag playing Jerry Lee Lewis or the Stones, with hard-hitting guitar riffs over fast-paced piano. But they keep it interesting with different approaches: the slow, sludgy groove of “Eye”, or the Meat Puppets cowpunk of “River Flows”, or the Petty-esque balladry of “Anyway I Find You”. Maturity graces the tracks like a band that has had many years under its belt to refine its identity. The Men prove to be brawny and melodic, sticking to catchiness over the unbridled noisiness of days gone by.

Like I said, though, I haven’t listened to the previous three albums. Perhaps one of them is a whole tracklist of ABBA covers! Perhaps this is actually some sort of return to form after nine years of experiments! New York City is a fun album, a timestamp of The Men’s settled-in existence, and evidence that there’s a long way to go before their formula gets tired.

Early Verdict:

Fever Ray – Radical Romantics
(March 10, 2023)

Fever Ray - Radical Romantics

Karin Dreijer does it again! And by that I mean, they upped the ante on the creepiness factor. Feast your poor eyes on that cover. It’s like Uncle Fester’s collagen injections got botched.

Fever Ray’s second album, Plunge, made it to my list of the best albums of the 2010s, so I was reasonably excited for Radical Romantics. It did not disappoint, although I didn’t feel the same VISCERAL REACTION that I felt with songs like “Falling” and “This Country”. They certainly have one of the most original and recognizable sounds in indie rock, I’ll give them that, and this time around it seems to be less angsty and more subdued. Gone are the ranty “THIS COUNTRY MAKES IT HARD TO FUCK!” outbursts, because Radical Romantics is all about the SOFTER side of how the country makes it hard to fuck! But no, in general, this album is a little bit more vulnerable. They have something to say, but they’re shy, and they’re trying to delve deeper into it.

The recognizable snakey synths are ever present. Songs like “Shiver” and “Looking for a Ghost” are reminiscent of old school Fever Ray or the Knife and shows Dreijer’s relatable sexual desires with a playfulness and yearning. “Carbon Dioxide” bubbles and pops along with the fizz and effervescence of a CAN OF DELICIOUS CREAM SODA. It makes for a fun listen throughout, although I could do without the seven-minute slog of a closing track “Bottom of the Ocean”. An apt name, sure, because the bottom of the ocean seems to be repetitive and boring. Dreijer just does this “oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh” thing over and over again. Skip this track.

A highlight is “Even It Out”, which is justifiably aggressive due to its… um… subject matter. I’ll just leave you with this: “This is for Zacharias/Who bullied my kid in high school/There’s no room for you/And we know where you live/One day, we might come after you…”

Early Verdict:


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