Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Rules of Engagement storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, there’s a whole thing where Bruce and Alfred fight Lex Luthor’s mechanical bat while said mechanical bat attempts to control Bruce’s Batjet. It’s dumb and takes up a lot of comic book real estate.

In the end, Lex Luthor broadcasts a message to Gotham that they’ve let the monsters and the freaks and the wackaloons get away with shit for far too long. He has taken over the military. It’s martial law, baby!

Things are getting “good”. I “look forward” to more. Pfft, yeah right, man. I’m in no mood for Batman today. Especially when things are Confidential. It’s like, you know… just tell me. Why keep anything such a secret?

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [June, 2007]
Written by: Andy Diggle
“Rules of Engagement (Part 5)”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

“AREA ONE IS UNDER ATTACK! ALL UNITS ENGAGE!”

Lex’ robot army battens down the hatches. Then they start shooting a real army with the green military helmets and the enormous walkie-talkies. “General, we have to fall back! It’s a slaughterhouse out there!”

No! You just got there! Give it a little more than two minutes, Private! A commanding officer dude with a Hitler mustache wonders dopily where their reinforcements are. Well, sir, they all got killed lol. And guess what? Every army base in the country is getting all fucked up, if that makes you feel any better. And it should!

Suddenly, the hangar doors of Area One are opening. Are they surrendering? Do they want to say they’re sorry with a round of root beers and blowjobs?

Well, unless this absolutely enormous defense robot is getting its wet mouth ready, I’d say not at all!

“This is insane! We can’t fight that–!”

“This is our chance!” responds Dopey Hitler. “While those blast doors are open! If we hit them with everything we’ve got right now, we can storm the hangar and–”

“But sir, that’s suicide–!”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Heil Dopey Hitler!

SUICIDE?! SUICIDE?! I’LL SHOW YOU SUICIDE!

*shows photo of wife’s suicide*

SEE?! NOW STORM THAT HANGAR!

Some other voice on the radio tells the men to stand down. It can’t be Batman, because he doesn’t know how to hack into the army’s communications grid! It must be someone smarter like Reed Richards or Robert Downey, Jr. or Godzilla.

While their radio’s getting hacked, something approaches at Mach 4. That’s about 4 times the speed of a 1988 Buick Regal, for those of you who aren’t technically inclined.

It’s Batman. He’s in a Batjet. He’s going to Batkick everyone’s Batass. He fucking flies like an out of control eagle with Down’s syndrome into the Area One base, almost plowing into it and disintegrating into 4,000,000,000 pieces. He launches shit at the giant defense robot and keeps flying like a dingus.

“Warning! Incoming! Impact in five seconds! Evade! Evade!”

“Not yet,” Batman reacts calmly to his alarming alarm. “Not yet.”

He does something heroic and damaging and we can all go home now.

“Warning! Target lock reacquired! Countermeasures ineffective! Missiles closing! Impact in 12 seconds!”

It appears that a barrage of heat-seeking missiles are unable to be diverted by Batman’s cunning! He’s going to get blasted like a pretty 18-year-old in a bukkake video.

Then one hits the giant defense robot in the face. Bukkake-style.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Seatbelts save lives, cocksuckers.

Batman gets on his Batmotorcycle and rides the hogg right down the Batramp on his Batjet. He falls, presumably, thousands of feet on this thing while shit keeps blowing up all around him. More missiles hit the giant defense robot.

Batman lands safely on the ground, somehow, and books it while the giant defense robot crashes around him.

“Auto-destruct. Five second countdown,” he says into his dashboard. “On my mark.”

In five seconds, Batman grapples onto a beam inside this base and flies off his motorcycle. The motorcycle crashes and blows up around a bunch of robot army drones. We all celebrate bukkake-style.

“Hammer time, Bat Boy. Eat depleted uranium–!” yells an alive robot, still kicking, using terms like “hammer time” in the 21st century. This robot starts blasting its, what is it now? Depleted uranium gun? Cool.

Batman throws a batarang. It hits a switch on the robot that makes it shit out a ton of depleted uranium bullets. This is what we call “comic relief”.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Gimme a kiss!

Batman leaps onto the robot and sticks something very sharp into a port on the top of its head. “Command input updated,” it chirps. “Standing by.”

It stands by, all right. Silent and unmoving. Batman has infiltrated the base! I repeat, Batman is in the base!

Lex stands there fist clenched and looking like emaciated Stanley Tucci.

“…BATMAN IS WHAT?”

Final Thoughts

Didn’t you hear, Lex? Batman is in the base!

One more issue left of this abysmal trash, then I’m going to read Archie! Just kidding! I’m going to read Betty and Veronica.


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Yo La Tengo, The Men, and Fever Ray

Well into the second half of 2023 and I’ve only done TWO of these this year. TWO! Inexcusable! I’m going to try my darnedest to try and rectify this for the rest of the year, since I have listened to a lot of new albums and I do have opinions!

Who am I kidding? This is going to be a lean year for Newer Release Roundups, isn’t it. I’m such a failure! *cuts wrists* *gets angry emails about my insensitivity toward suicide, a serious subject to be sure* *cuts cheese*

Here are reviews for Yo La Tengo, The Men, and Fever Ray.

Yo La Tengo – This Stupid World
(February 10, 2023)

Yo La Tengo - This Stupid World

My relationship with Yo La Tengo is conditional and somewhat tenuous. I love about half of their schtick, and I’m underwhelmed and bored by the other half. When they’re good, they’re fucking good. Scratchy guitar and feedback noise over steady, addictive rhythms? Great! Ambient, plodding soundscapes with Ira Kaplan’s sleepy voice? Not great!

I haven’t loved a Yo La Tengo album since 2006’s I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass (or an album title, for that matter). Everything since has been good, but underwhelming, at best. Dreadfully dull at worst. Don’t even get me started on 2020’s snorefest We Have Amnesia Sometimes. It just seemed like the band was drifting more into this background music direction. I was expecting more of the same going into This Stupid World, so imagine my complete delight that it was a return to form! Scratchy guitar and feedback noise over steady, addictive rhythms! Give me more of what I want, shitheads!

“Sinatra Drive Breakdown” is a great start. That tasty motorik beat plods along while Ira Kaplan forgets how to play guitar for two minutes in the middle. It’s like he’s fighting with it and it’s winning, until he slowly locks back into the groove. It’s such a fun listen, and the highlight of the album for me. But the rest of it ain’t no slouch! I also really, really like the next track, “Fallout”, and “Brain Capers” later on. Gimme some more of that ’90s hipster post-rock-adjacent lively-slacker nostalgia, please. “Aselestine” is entirely Georgia Hubley, and it’s beautiful, lazy, and relaxed. Even the slow burns are nuanced and interesting. Like “Until It Happens”, which has these cool little, happy slide guitar notes during the, uh, “chorus”.

Even though This Stupid World was dropped in February, the record gives me some strong hazy, summery vibes. Like an open fire hydrant and ice cream melting on the sidewalk. Maybe I just wish I were outside right now instead of stuck at work where I’m writing this instead of doing my job!

(If my boss is reading this, I promise that I’m doing my job.)

Early Verdict:

The Men – New York City
(February 3, 2023)

The Men - New York City

I stopped following The Men after their 2014 album Tomorrow’s Hits, which I loved. Starting out as noisy and raucous as a band like Flipper, The Men mellowed out progressively with each subsequent album. The ironically named Tomorrow’s Hits felt like an Americana classic rock pastiche, channeling artists like Bruce Springsteen, Elvis, and Tom Petty with not much room for raucousness (except for the hyperactive blues of “Pearly Gates” — the Rolling Stones on speed).

So, I don’t know what The Men did for three more albums, but New York City can’t be anything but a continuation of evolution. We have gone back to the punk edge, still with a lot of early rock-and-roll influences. A lot of this album sounds like Black Flag playing Jerry Lee Lewis or the Stones, with hard-hitting guitar riffs over fast-paced piano. But they keep it interesting with different approaches: the slow, sludgy groove of “Eye”, or the Meat Puppets cowpunk of “River Flows”, or the Petty-esque balladry of “Anyway I Find You”. Maturity graces the tracks like a band that has had many years under its belt to refine its identity. The Men prove to be brawny and melodic, sticking to catchiness over the unbridled noisiness of days gone by.

Like I said, though, I haven’t listened to the previous three albums. Perhaps one of them is a whole tracklist of ABBA covers! Perhaps this is actually some sort of return to form after nine years of experiments! New York City is a fun album, a timestamp of The Men’s settled-in existence, and evidence that there’s a long way to go before their formula gets tired.

Early Verdict:

Fever Ray – Radical Romantics
(March 10, 2023)

Fever Ray - Radical Romantics

Karin Dreijer does it again! And by that I mean, they upped the ante on the creepiness factor. Feast your poor eyes on that cover. It’s like Uncle Fester’s collagen injections got botched.

Fever Ray’s second album, Plunge, made it to my list of the best albums of the 2010s, so I was reasonably excited for Radical Romantics. It did not disappoint, although I didn’t feel the same VISCERAL REACTION that I felt with songs like “Falling” and “This Country”. They certainly have one of the most original and recognizable sounds in indie rock, I’ll give them that, and this time around it seems to be less angsty and more subdued. Gone are the ranty “THIS COUNTRY MAKES IT HARD TO FUCK!” outbursts, because Radical Romantics is all about the SOFTER side of how the country makes it hard to fuck! But no, in general, this album is a little bit more vulnerable. They have something to say, but they’re shy, and they’re trying to delve deeper into it.

The recognizable snakey synths are ever present. Songs like “Shiver” and “Looking for a Ghost” are reminiscent of old school Fever Ray or the Knife and shows Dreijer’s relatable sexual desires with a playfulness and yearning. “Carbon Dioxide” bubbles and pops along with the fizz and effervescence of a CAN OF DELICIOUS CREAM SODA. It makes for a fun listen throughout, although I could do without the seven-minute slog of a closing track “Bottom of the Ocean”. An apt name, sure, because the bottom of the ocean seems to be repetitive and boring. Dreijer just does this “oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh” thing over and over again. Skip this track.

A highlight is “Even It Out”, which is justifiably aggressive due to its… um… subject matter. I’ll just leave you with this: “This is for Zacharias/Who bullied my kid in high school/There’s no room for you/And we know where you live/One day, we might come after you…”

Early Verdict:


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 13: “From Stone to Stone”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Weird chapter ahead. Rand wakes up one morning in a strange, off-putting place and finds only Hurin (the sniffer) and Loial (Goat Boy) around. Everyone else is gone. The atmosphere appears muted, the trees burned, the stone they were sleeping near was now as big as a house with scrawling in an unknown language. It’s all fucked up and scary!

Rand thinks he’s dreaming, but Hurin and Loial are freaked out and pretty insistent that they, too, are experiencing this. Loial recognizes the stone from an old book he read where there was a passage that implied that, from Stone to Stone, runs the paths between worlds. Loial doesn’t know exactly what that means, but they are totally Stargates, man.

A person has to use the One Power to use the Stone to launch himself to “another world”, and Rand is denial that he may have accidentally done it at the stone they slept next to. Hurin is beside himself with anxiety, fear, and plenty of pants-pooping, and Rand assumes the leadership role that Ingtar so fervently foisted upon him if something like this were to happen. Rand will try to get them home, although he’s as sure as shit and shinola on a shingle. FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING. I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Rand awkwardly approaches the stone and puts his hand upon it, trying to channel the One Power and touch the True Source and fondle saidan and a bunch of other made-up Wheel of Time ideas. The only thing he can feel is its “taint”, and that’s an lol. He keeps talking about this “void” he feels whenever something One Powery happens, and this time he feels it breaking and, subsequently, needs to rest.

Hurin smells the faint smell of Darkfriends in the distance, and it is suggested that they find the Darkfriends and tickle them or something into telling them how to get home. I think this idea is straight dumb, but they have no other real option except continue tapping into that True Source, and Rand is terrified of doing that kind of thing. So let’s go look for some Darkfriends.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Pride and Joy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #2 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 2)”! Join me as I continue to try to fill my Brian K. Vaughan Paper Girls void. In the previous installment, we learn about six rich kids and their families: gamer Alex, smartypants Gert, jock Chase, preppy pretty Karolina, young preteen Molly, and goth Nico. Thinking their parents are having a business meeting, the six eavesdrop and discover that their parents are some sort of supervillains with an unclear agenda. Gert, Chase, Alex, and Nico witness Alex’s father murdering a young woman while Karolina had Molly squirreled away out of the corridor.

SUSPENSE! Are these kids going to Run Away?! Time will tell!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [August, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Pride and Joy (Chapter 2)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #2

THE WILDER RESIDENCE – 9:47pm

We pick up exactly where we left off. Shortly after Daddy Wilder kills the woman, Nico screams. Shortly after Nico screams, the parents all turn around to look at the one-way mirror. “The catacombs…” Mr. Wilder says, knife ready. He refers to his home as his “lair”. Dr. Mrs. Hayes tells everyone to relax. “I was probably just psychic residue from the sacrifice.”

Fine, maybe. Check the tunnels anyway, there may be rats running around. Mrs. Wilder is going to check on the children…

Eep! Gotta get back to the game room and play Donkey Kong! Go go go!

“God help us if those kids saw what we did,” says Dr. Mr. Hayes, who appears to be dimly glowing purple. “We always knew they’d find out sooner or later, Hayes,” responds Mr. Stein (the guy who likes to punch his child). They’re not supposed to know about The Pride until they’re at least 18! It’s what the Abstract dictates! Whatever that is. Everyone turn their Abstract bibles to page 47. It talks about age of consent.

Mr. Wilder glares at the fourth wall, looking right at you. “I’m sure our young ones are fine.”

UPSTAIRS – 9:51pm

Mrs. Wilder finds the kids playing hell of Twister, but they’re all thankfully clothed. “And you thought Vice City was dirty,” Alex tells her, pointing out that Twister is one of her old games.

Haha! OKAY! You kids play nice, you hear? No accidental penetrations, please. Bye bye, now!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #2

PRETEND TO BE HAPPY

After Mrs. Winters leaves the room, Alex comments that he’s about to puke. Nico wonders if she bought it, but it’s unclear. Probably. Twister IS a fun game for hormonal teenagers, so everything checks out.

Karolina and Molly are confused! They just started playing Twister! “What did I miss down there?” Karolina demands.

Heh heh. OK… uh… hey Gert, take Molly out of the room. It’s your turn to shield the 11-year-old from the horrors of reality. Maintain innocence for as long as possible and all that. Gerts asks why, and she and Alex start whispering to one another.

“So we can fill Karolina in on what happened, okay?”

“But this involves Molly’s parents, too! She deserves to know the truth!”

“She’s just a kid!”

“She’s old enough to know her parents are evil!”

Molly butts in and tells the both of them that she knows they’re talking about sex. Gert looks defeated and agrees to take her to the bathroom.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Look, kid. You’re asking too many questions related to sex and urine, ok?

“What the heck is going on?” North Karolina asks. “You’re scaring me.”

Pfft, you have no idea do you, sweetheart? You think you’re parents are just hanging out with Alec Baldwin? We have news for you: Alec Baldwin is a murderer! Oh yeah, and so are all the parents. lol?

Nico and Alex try to soften the blow, but Chase pipes in from the couch. “Alex’s dad just killed some chick.”

Alex and Nico are understandably upset with Chase’s jocky bluntness. Karolina is beyond confused. Chick? Some chick? Killed some chick? Just killed some chick? Alex’s dad just killed some chick? Sorry, it still doesn’t make any sense. Let’s rearrange some words. Some chick just killed Alex’s dad? Wait, that’s way off. Let’s try again. W–

“It wasn’t just my dad!” Alex yells. “It was all of our parents! You saw!”

“We have no clue what we saw, dude!”

“They stabbed an innocent girl in the heart!”

Karolina is starting to get it, but I suppose if I were her I’d still be like “my mom is a pile of plastic surgery, why would she kill anybody?”

“Well, we don’t know she was innocent… right?” Nico hazards.

“Are you guys high?” Alex gasps desperately. “Our parents are supervillains!”

They talk amongst themselves to try to piece things together like a three-piece jigsaw puzzle. Something about “The Pride” and… yeah, there’s not much else to go off of here. Anyway, they must be stopped! Maybe? But how? “You expect us to get a few shotguns and go all Menendez brothers on ‘em?” says Chase. Nico agrees with Chase’s sentiment. Plus, they might kill them all if the kids try to stop them.

“Hey gang!” It’s Mr. Wife-Beater Stein, hair looking choppy as shit. “Don’t worry, the old-timers are finally packing it in for the night.”

A couple of parents are carrying a very large chest out of the house. Mr. Yorkes claims it’s full of antiques. Alex and Nico volunteer to help carry it. Nico flexes a puny bicep.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Tuba players are notoriously horny! Get it?!

“God, is this what I think it is?” Nico asks Alex as they carry the chest out to Yorkes’ car. “Maybe,” says Alex. “Feels about right, doesn’t it?”

So now what? Pretend everything is fine? Everyone goes home acting no one was murdered in front of them tonight? Fat chance, poopypants! Alex suggests gathering up each other’s email addresses because iPhones don’t exist in 2003 and they’ll all meet up sometime tonight for further deliberation. And pizza and punch.

THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATIONS – 1:03am

Alex, Chase, and Karolina are already at the meeting place: The James Dean Memorial! Chase said this was a stupid meeting place. Karolina says it was her idea. Chase, wanting to bone that, grimaces hugely and tells her “just kidding heh heh”.

Nico had to stop and pick up Gert, so they ran late. Obviously, Molly is too much of a CHILD to hear that her SHITTY PARENTS are complicit in MUUUUURDER. Anyway, was everyone able to sneak out without a problem? “Yeah, my parents were practically unconscious,” says Gert. “Satanic rituals must really wear a person down.”

Karolina is having a hard time with this, especially since she didn’t actually see anything! For all she knows they could be pulling a fast one on her! Their parents were probably doing nothing but having pizza and punch!

So now what? Become Runaways? Check the title of the comic book, Alex. Y’all gotta run away at some point.

Not yet, I suppose. Alex suggests calling the cops. Karolina still doesn’t believe that they’re actual supervillains, especially since she tried Googling them and couldn’t find anything but her mom’s sex tape (which would’ve been quite hilarious if true). The last thing she wants to do is smear her parents and get them blacklisted in Hollywood if it turns out they’re not criminals. Chase is starting to think that it was all a “lame performance piece”. Yeah, for no audience, right? Chase is dumb.

Gert has no hang-ups about calling the police and throwing all these motherfuckers in prison. Alex agrees.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Uhhh… where’s Molly? Whose bright idea was to keep Molly home and away from the voting booth?

Nico is conflicted. Her parents aren’t monsters… at least they never were to her. I mean, they never tried stabbing her in the heart as far as she was aware! On the other hand, maybe they need to try figuring all out this on behalf of the stabbed girl. Avenge her death, maybe? They can be the Avengers! Is that name taken?

“Weak!” Chase yells. “You’re just voting that way ‘cause you want to suck face with Alex.”

Someone needs to get punched in the face! When Nico denies that, Alex just stares with an tinge of hurt on his face. It passes quickly and he calls the police.

PARKER CENTER, HEADQUARTERS OF THE LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT – 1:07am

Alex stutters his way through trying to report a murder. All such as “my parents and their friends are part of ‘The Pride’” and “my parents and their friends are dark wizards and mad scientists”. Needless to say, this doesn’t end the way Alex wants it to. “Guess we’re on our own,” he says, rubbing the back of his head.

Nico doesn’t want to give up. If they bring evidence, such as a whole-ass dead body, the police would have to believe them! So where’s that big chest at? Gert’s house, right? Let’s go check it out!

SANTA MONICA FREEWAY – 1:59am

“I ran away from home, and now I’m running back there?” Gert groans in the back of Chase’s van. Alex assures her they’ll just be in and out.

THE YORKES RESIDENCE – 2:43am

Goin’ in the basement lookin’ for dead bodies. The room is loaded with artifacts and antiques that probably all cost millions upon millions of dollars. Gert’s parents likely killed a whole horde of children for that stuff. Just slaughtered them all in a line.

During their search, Karolina takes interest in a security keypad. Only the numbers 3, 4, and 7 look like they’ve experienced some wear from regular use! So, with a five-digit security code, using each number at least once, that’s just… 150 unique combinations! That will only take, like, three hours. The body won’t even be decomposed by then.

Alex knows what it is right away: 77433. If it’s like a touchtone phone, then that spells “Pride”. Boom shakalaka. Gert, get out of the way. No one cares if this is risky and it may open up your folks’ sex dungeon. That’s a risk we all have to take!

So they punch in the code.

And on the other side of a secret wall that opens up is a HISSING DINOSAUR of uh some sort. I guess.

Final Thoughts

What a weird ending! This is what you get for meddling, you meddling kids! Go meddle somewhere else, your parents are going to be way better at this. Trust me, they’re supervillains!


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Fray, Issue #6 – “Chapter Six: Alarums”

* Part 6 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #6 – “Chapter Six: Alarums”! Loo is dead and I’m sad. In the previous installment, Melaka gets a hard, HARD dose of reality when she learns that not only is her brother a vampire, but that it comes with amoral meanness and evilness. He may look like Hatch, talk like Hatch, and even have Hatch’s memories, but it ain’t Hatch no more. He hella socks her in the stomach as hard as he can while she’s crying! What a dick!

Melaka tries to explain her situation to her sister Erin, who doesn’t believe her. Not about Hatch, not about being the Slayer, not about all the leprechauns and gremlins she’s being seeing stealing her vegetables out of the fridge. So Melaka gives up on her and returns to her apartment, where she finds Loo dead on the floor.

This is going to be the kick in the pants that Melaka really needs to take this Slayer shit seriously! Avenge Loo’s death! And Hatch’s too, I guess. Maybe. Fuck that guy, though.

Fray, Issue #6 [March, 2002]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter Six: Alarums”

Fray, Issue #6

“You do not want a war. You have known violence. You have suffered loss. But you have seen nothing of war.”

Fray carries Loo’s body down the street, numb. “War is not just the business of death. It is the antithesis of life. Hope, tortured and flayed. Reason, dismembered, grinning at its limbs in its lap. Decency raped to death.”

Fray enters the tavern, owned by Loo’s parents. Daddy Loo cries over her body.

Time to Slay it up! Time to lead, which will be the hardest thing Melaka Fray has ever done, since she hasn’t made very many friends along the way who will rally her on. “People will not listen, but you have to make yourself heard.”

Urkonn has a gift for her: a kickass ax-type weapon with pointy, wooden stick on its other end. “It is a weapon forged eons ago, for the Slayer alone. Lost for centuries.” Well, if it was lost, how was it suddenly found?? Plot hole!

She stands in front of her people, and she says some very important words…

“Survivor is on in fifteen minutes.”

AND ALSO…

“There’s been a murder. There’s been a murder and there’s gonna be more. Every one of you is in danger.”

This is really rallying them up! Great leadership. Warmth.

When Fray mentions that the Lurks need to be stopped, the townsfolk go PSHAW and PFFFT and HURP. Lurks ain’t nothing! These people can kill a whole mess of Lurks with a kitchen fork! Stab stab! Get out of here with your Lurks!

No. Pay attention. Lurks are bad, m’kay? They’re coming and they’re going to eat your necks with A-1 steak sauce. The murmurs of the people are scattered, skeptical, and hesitant.

Fray, Issue #6

Why does she know about this? What about the police? When are they coming, exactly? Where are my danged pants? Who pooped the bed? And so on.

One guy gets right up in Melaka’s face. “Why the hell should we listen to you, anyway? You’re a thief!” Good point. She steals things for a living, that’s true. She gives them to some fish guy, that’s also true. Where was I going with this?

“You got some turf war with the Lurks brewing, don’t think you can spin folk into the middle of it ‘cause they’re broke up over a little dead cripple!”

The guy regrets saying this immediately. The awkward silence is broken by an older man wearing an Elder robe. Posturing, no doubt. “What do you want from us, Melaka?”

She wants vengeance! Justice! Maybe a couple of plants for the apartment! Need a little fresh oxygen! Maybe a couple of dogs! Companionship! Maybe some nail clippers! Grooming is important! “I don’t know yet,” she sighs. She just wants them to be prepared for the worst, is all.

More rumbles from the crowd. Sounds like a bunch of fear-mongering! Go monger that fear somewhere else, lady. “So who is this guy?” asks Mr. Little Dead Cripple. “Who’s planning this big-ass massacre?”

Heh heh. Uh.

Hatch stands at a podium, addressing his own people. He is the One Who Will Lead! We know that already. But the question, the real question here, is if these Lurky Lurks even know where they’re being led? “I’m leading you to glory. I’m taking you straight to Hell.” Yeesh, well I didn’t sign up for that, sir. Hell has imps with pitchforks and those things hurt.

Vrill and Boluz (Urkonn’s bosses) chat about whether or not Hatch can actually awaken the Beast and open the gateway. There’s always a beast and a gateway involved with this sort of thing. “He has all he needs: the talismans, the incantations – and the will.”

Fray, Issue #6

We got literally no one else to count on! We hired her for this purpose. You try to fire her! You be the asshole!

Boluz is the fat one. Vampires are barely a threat, he says! Weaklings. The weakest form of half-breeds, in fact! Can barely tie their shoes without huffing and puffing and needing a nap. Vrill is the skinny, weaselly one. He says YES, ABSOLUTELY, THIS FOUR-EYES MOTHERFUCKER CAN AWAKEN THE BEAST AND OPEN THE GATEWAY! Take this seriously!

Can the girl do what it takes? Hopefully! Because everyone’s screwed if she can’t!

Speak of the devil, Melaka walks off with Urkonn. Things could have gone way better. “They wouldn’t even listen! I probably shouldn’t have started hitting people.”

Ha! Well, when has it not worked in the past! Old habits are hard to break.

They head back to the sewer pipe from which she emerged after Harth threw her around for a bit. Perhaps they could go through the pipe system and find him again? Find him before he attacks more people in the Lowers? That would be fantastic. Let’s try it.

Urkonn doesn’t wanna. A dark place is exactly where Harth would want them to be. “We can search above ground,” he suggests. Good enough. Fray asks him if he thinks Harth got some of that Slayer gene, and Urkonn admits that he can’t be sure either way. BUT, Fray obviously is the one with the strength. This has gotten brought up before, so I’m sure it’ll play an important part in the arm wrestling competition they’ll have to have in the final installment.

Fray decides to climb up a large, abandoned building. Through the wall, she can hear a woman crying in distress. Fray blasts through and discovers two Lurks cornering the woman in an empty room. Slaying time!

BOOM POW WAP SMACK CHUGGA CHUGGA

Fray, Issue #6

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! Eat it, shitheads!

She channels all her rage and fury into the fight, and soon it becomes natural. Like her weapon is an extension of her arm! Like her arm is an extension of her body! Like her body is there, man! “…as it flows… everything into place, perfect, and I finally do what I was born to do.”

“I Slay.”

Hooray! Character development! This is the stuff, man. This is the business.

The two Lurky Vampires, she finally stabs both of them with the pointy wooden end of her weapon. In one shot. And, as we all know from watching Buffy, the two of them crumble into brown dust. Fray doesn’t know that though, she’s very surprised. Don’t they have Buffy in the year 2700? They’re missing out.

“Whoa-ho! Did you see that? They, that was – the thing is just them going poof!” Fray says eloquently while the damsel and distress tries to get her attention. There are way more where that came from, unfortunately. “Lurks travel in packs,” she thinks. “Urkonn may have mentioned that.”

Urkonn joins the fight. Fray lops off heads while Urkonn bites arms. A match made in Heaven. Or Hellmouth. Eventually, Fray gets pushed into the water and held down against a rock near the bottom. For a split second she worries, but then she’s all “I got this” and then gets it. If you know what I mean. Maybe.

Soon enough, the threat has been eliminated. “How do you feel?” Urkonn asks. “Besides wet?” Fray responds. “I feel good.”

Word gets back to Harth about all the Slaying, and he’s less than happy. I can tell because he hides his face in the shadows, the universal sign of unhappiness. “She did what?” is all he says. Not at all the slam!

Elsewhere, Erin had actually taken her conversation with Melaka to heart and looks into this Icarus fellow. He’s got a file, no record. It is already known that Melaka killed a gaggle of Lurks, but there are no bodies. THINGS ARE CURIOUS. Maybe Gunther set them up? No. Melaka must be telling the truth! Arrrghhh, this is so complicated!

Erin’s partner and ACAB-in-crime, Broder, thinks Erin’s in the loony bin if she’s going to start listening to her degenerate sister about anything. Think about it! A Lurk Revolution?? Largely nonsense! Glad we agree.

Fray, Issue #6

Gee, maybe if we didn’t start trying to kick her ass, she wouldn’t be out there kicking our asses.

Harth is a little bit down the dumps, insofar as a vampire can be down in the dumps. He’s more surprised than anything, that his sister has all the strength that she has. Some real Slayer stuff, as it were. And it’s all Icarus’ fault! Harth glares at him. Icarus apologizes with a bow of fealty and promises Harth that she’ll be dealt with handily.

“Icarus.” Harth stops him as he’s about to leave the room. “I’ll want the body.”

Why? So he can fuck it? That’s about 100 kinds of gross. Goddamned vampires and their depravity.

A few of residents of the Lowers witness Fray stabbing a Lurk, turning it into a pile of dust. “Do you get it now? Do you see? They’re not human.” Fray urges them to go tell their family and friends and co-workers and random passers-by that these Lurk Jerks will murder them all the first chance they get! Get serious, people. “Tell them. Tell them what’s coming.”

“Why don’t we just show them?” Icarus is shirtless, ripped like the dickens, full of tribal tattoos like a douchebag.

Fray narrows her eyes and grips her weapon. “My hand. It doesn’t shake at all.”

Final Thoughts

IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, GUY. A phrase I hate, but I felt it was the only way to convey my feelings about the situation. Melaka Fray is gonna tear a bitch up! Grab the popcorn.


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