The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 17: “Choices”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Selene has been talking about “Portal Stones” and how they must use one to escape the swarm of grolm. Rand’s got it, though, and, in succession, and using saidin, pierces the eyes of five grolm rendering them, as I see it, and adding as many commas as I can into this sentence, very dead. Hurin, Loial, and Selene are like “omg wow”, but then a huge swarm of grolm (always in italics) approaches. Shit’s gonna get dire, and Rand doesn’t have a trillion arrows to work with. What is he, some sort of video game character? Please.

So, Rand agrees to try to use the Portal Stone even though he’s a whiny baby about channeling the One Power too much. This time, he has a beautiful lady to try to impress, so that makes a difference. He taps into that delicious, rich, and tasty saidin (always in italics) and the environment flickers for a bit until they are back in their vivid, not-weird world. He doesn’t know what he did or how he did it, but Rand did it, and everyone is thoroughly impressed! *golf clap*

Next they need to find Fain, so Hurin recalibrates his sniffin’ nose. Selene speaks of other worlds where one can sense where violence is going to be instead of where violence already occurred, which freaks out Hurin something terrible. The few times that Selene really compliments Rand, he thinks about kissing her. He holds back every time though, because that would be ridiculous and uncouth besides.

The chapter ends with them setting out to find Padan Fain, and hopefully catch up Ingtar and his Poopypants Bunch.


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Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Rules of Engagement storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 6)”! In the previous installment of this shithole storyline, nothing happens except Batman infiltrates Lex’s robot army base. That’s it. The whole issue you bought with your hard-earned $2.99 had very little anything going on and you could finish it in seven seconds.

On to the finale, then I’m moving on to bigger and better things! Maybe! DC has been disappointing almost all across the board! Gotta read Archie instead.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6 [August, 2007]
Written by: Andy Diggle
“Rules of Engagement (Part 6)”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

“MAN VS. MACHINES”! That’s not exciting at all. Men have been fighting robots since the Middle Ages, it’s a real snooze of a trope at this point.

Lex is not happy that Batman is very much not dead. And also in the base. And also ready to win by the end of the issue. Lex’s tan suit is the worst thing I’ve seen since Barack Obama’s tan suit! “Mechanized infantry reported an intruder in the main bay… three seconds later, we lost contact,” reports Lex’s current second-in-command, whoever he might be. Who cares, he’s going to probably die soon anyway. Alone, forgotten, and violently.

“God, I hate superheroes,” Lex grimaces, whining like a child.

Batman is traipsing along the air ducts. “Emergency lockdown protocol,” Lex demands, face craggy with lines and shadows, looking stupid and constipated. “Release nerve agent into the shafts.”

Whoops, nope! Security systems down! Main power down! Black Hawk Down! Third down! Hut hut hike!

Auxilary power kicks in. Since Batman seems to be fucking shit up in the generator room, they should send 100% of their units to the generator room so that they can twist Batman’s nipples and–

NO! STUPID STUPID STUPID! BATMAN IS MAKING FOOLS OF US ALL!

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

If I see one cunt hair wafting through the door, I will murder the entire population of Omaha!

Lex orders the units to the room, and they make an IMPENETRABLE PERIMETER of robot guards! “Now, if we’re done with the theatrics…” Lex smirks, “I was in the middle of seizing control of the United States of America.”

Bzzt! Wrong! Batman is already in the room, sir. I see him in the corner mooning us with his big white butt. There’s absolutely no explanation why he was able to just magically bypass everything and anything and then show up in the room ready to pound Luthor’s face with his genitalia, but here we are. “Clayton. Draw your sidearm and shoot this man in the face,” Lex commands Clayton. Clayton, with the sidearm.

“Leave it in the holster,” Batman commands Clayton, who doesn’t take orders from Batman. I really don’t know what’s stopping Clayton from just shooting Batman in the face. Batman has no backup. Clayton looks terrified. It’s truly a mystery for the ages.

Clayton decides to listen to Lex, but a batarang right into the hand makes the decision for him. Like, it goes an inch deep into his hand. It’s going to get infected and he’s going to die! That shit ain’t cool at all.

Next Lex commands the robots to “tear him apart”, but that doesn’t work very well either. There are about ninteen pages of the robots attempting to “tear him apart”, and I glazed over during most of it, but in the end Batman reigns supreme. As usual. Except for the part at the very end when a robot sneaks up behind Batman and lifts him up by the neck! I hope it squeezes the life out of him.

“You just walked into a room full of war machines that could rip your head off as a easily as popping a champagne cork,” Lex says smugly, hands in his fucking pockets. “What did you hope to achieve? Did you honestly think you could win this fight…?”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

I had a plan all along, I swear. You can tell because of the namedropped an ancient Roman courtier!

Batman is like “not today” and initiates a sequence that causes all the robots to start murdering themselves. And they do. “Damn…” says Lex. This does suck! Very worthy of a muttered “damn”.

“I underestimated you,” Lex glares, showing off his striking overbite.

“You underestimated yourself,” Batman responds. “I used your own virus against you – with a few minor adjustments. You programmed my machines to kill. I programmed yours to kill themselves.”

Whoop-de-doo, bitch. Here’s a medal.

Lex Luthor is like “OK, THE JIG IS UP! TIME FOR ME TO GO!” then he explodes. lol.

“A– a robot…? Luthor was a robot…?” Batman gibbers. This is a really stupid story, by the way. Have I mentioned that yet? “A puppet, remote-operated by a neural relay system…” he growls. “…designed by Waynetech.”

Cut to Lex Luthor nudely removing himself from one of those tanks that can control robots from a remote-operated neural relay system. “Oh well… back to the drawing board.”

Th-th-th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

Ain’t I a stinker?

Batman meets up with Jimmy Jam James Gordon up on the rooftop. Apparently, Lex Luthor’s alibi is that he was staying at a hair loss clinic in the Swiss Alps this whole time! Pah! And witnesses to prove it? Double pah! Pah pah!

So what of Senator Crabtree who was framed for whore murder? They’re dropping the charges. Seems as though Crabtree didn’t murder this particular whore! Now, even though he had no ties whatsoever to the prostitute and her baby… eh, he adopted her for some reason. Batman grits his teeth so hard at this that there’s no way he didn’t chip about seventeen of them. “Is that so…”

Everything is wrapped up in a nice, neat, little package! Time to throw a party! Bruce Wayne has cordially invited all his most perfumed, oily guests for a special black tie charity event. He’s on a makeshift stage at a dais talking about good and evil and how good is good and how evil is evil.

“In recent weeks, we’ve all had to look evil in the eye… it’s been right here, inescapable – in our cities, our streets, our homes… arising from the belief that might makes right.”

Bruce’s guests look drunk as fuck.

“But if might makes right, does weakness make wrong? Are the weak unworthy of our care and protection? Of course not. It’s the duty of the mighty to protect the weak. To defend the defenseless.”

Speaking like a true liberal hippie treehugger. Lex has the right idea! Machine gun them all down for profit, dummies.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

…just as soon as this woman stops sucking my dick under the podium.

Long story short, WayneTech is withdrawing from the defense sector! Protect the weak, my hiney! Instead, have the Wayne Foundation. Throw your money toward orphans and delinquent youngins instead.

And now here’s the newly appointed chairman of the, what was it now? I already forgot… Wayne Foundation. Pffft. Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth. Anyway, it’s Senator “Scruff McGruff” Crabtree.

Hurf durf huff fluff huffity duff.

God bless Batman and god bless Bruce Wayne and good day bye.

Final Thoughts

*jerks off forever*

Listen. This was perhaps the most disposable Batman story I’ve ever read. DC has let me down again!

Looks like I’m going to need to start jumping straight to critically acclaimed series and stories instead of hitting what sounds interesting. What works for Marvel doesn’t work for DC, it seems. DC has a lot of catching up to do to maintain my interest, and that’s saying a lot considering Captain America is the worst superhero on the planet by a long shot.


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December 31, 2002 – Madison Square Garden, New York, NY

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

December 31, 2002 – Madison Square Garden, New York, NY

Set One

Piper — 16:32
The crowd goes wild! The first show in two years happens on the magical night of New Year’s Eve! Those first few notes of the hearty “Piper” sends the audience in a dizzying tizzy! Trey is on top of his game! Ha! He gets squeaky with it during the jam, like he’s trying to diddle his guitar with aggressiveness but he can’t find its G-spot.

He calms down at around 6:00 by noodling resplendently while Fish shuffles around on the drums. The crowd gives a round of applause, which means Trey must have made his guitar cum. We’re all happier for it.

Guyute — 10:29
“Guyute” is a dish best served fast. This composed number leaves no room for improvisation, and the merit of a “Guyute” hinges on tightness and energy. THEREFORE, this “Guyute” is middle of the road! Trey is obviously completely loaded with heroin and poppers and formaldehyde already. This going to be a long tour.

Just kidding! This “Guyute” is rootin’-tootin’. The fast, technical part kicks in at 3:45 and Trey holds his own. Not bad after being rusty. It builds into a pretty satisfying frenzy at around 6:45. The crowd goes wild! Someone calm the crowd down!

NICU — 5:22
NICU is an underrated gem. Even the worst ones are pretty good. And here’s a pleasant breather after the first two decent examples of both improvisational and orchestrated Phish. Now we have five minutes of poppy Phish! Page’s organ keyboard effects are bouncy, as always, like he’s playing his keyboard in a bouncy house! No, wait. That’s dumb. But his solo at the six-minute mark is cool. Page always delivers. He’s like an ugly wizard.

Horn — 4:15
Jammy Phish with “Piper”, composed Phish with “Guyute”, poppy Phish with “NICU”, and now mid-tempo rockin’ Phish with “Horn”. And what a “Horn” it is! Just kidding, this song is the same every time and it serves entirely as a breather and a transition piece. “Horn” can go blow itself!

Wilson — 7:18
Ah yes. A concert staple straight from Trey’s miserable Gamehenge rock opera. His college senior thesis, and the band still plays all these songs live. Get over yourself, that was ages ago!

But, ahoy, is that Tom Hanks I hear?? A clip from Cast Away where Tom Hanks screams “WILSSSOOON”?! Clever! They were sitting on that one for two years after the movie came out, I’d bet Mike Gordon’s life on it.

Mound — 6:05
A little bit messy on when the syncopated rhythms come in, but there’s a nice synthesized organ solo from Page during the bridge. Other than that, who cares? It’s “Mound”! People sure are cheering a lot during this one. Maybe people need to raise their expectations.

The Squirming Coil — 7:29
“The Squirming Coil” is always Page’s time to shine on his smug Keith Emerson keyboard equipment (consisting of one keyboard). Always very pretty, he presses the “piano” button and dances around Gordon’s plump bass and Fish’s slow rat-a-tat-tat (drums, you see).

I like a good “Squirming Coil” in the middle of a set. It always feels like a pleasant preamble to a more energetic jam-based number. And that’s exactly what we get.

David Bowie — 12:36
Ahh, that familiar hi-hat opener. Is it “Maze”? Is it “David Bowie”? Who can say? Oh, I can. It’s “David Bowie”.

I typical “David Bowie” clocks in at around 12 minutes, and this one is no exception. The crazy-complicated composed section at the beginning sounds pretty fucking good for an otherwise rusty New Year’s Eve 2002 show. It’s almost as if Trey actually practiced a little bit before he got coked out of his mind?

The jams are pleasant and low-key until about the 8-minute mark when Trey starts coming back to the forefront. Then it’s like BONER TOWN. But no. The end is very energetic. A perfect ending to Set One.

But fuck that! It’s time for Set Two.

Set Two

Waves — 10:55
The debut of “Waves”! Exciting! I like this song, they do give off a certain watery vibe with this one that I appreciate. This particular “Waves” is just about as long as the one from the Round Room studio album.

The opening verses are a little bit off-key and shaky, but this is a debut. They need to get their chops up, son. Trey’s guitar solo is melodic, sharp, and noodley while Page cuts off the edge with his fluttering piano. Mike does his thing.

Have I talked about Fish yet? He does a drum.

Divided Sky — 17:35
“Waves” gets ripcorded straight into the first post-hiatus “Divided Sky”. Phishionados will already know that this song is almost completely composed from start to finish, so a 17-minute runtime means one thing: Trey spends way too much time on the pause! My guess is 14 minutes.

This isn’t the greatest performance of “Divided Sky”. Trey misses some of the high notes and muddles through the tight sections. This song would get so very botched as time goes on during Phish 2.0, but for now just enjoy the general lack of flubbed notes and Mike too busy drowning in pussy to play his bass.

Lawn Boy — 2:51
Page gets to flex his terrible voice for a few minutes. Mike picks at his bass like it’s his nose. Something about olfactory hues. I love “Carini”, let’s move onto “Carini”.

Carini — 9:31
“Carini”! This is one of the more hard-hitting songs in the Phish canon, and this version doesn’t spare the seething vitriol! I’m only a little bit hyperbolic, but the opening notes on Trey’s solo is rougher around the edges than anything we’ve heard so far on New Year’s Eve, 2002. It gets crunchy at around the five-minute mark! A crunchy “Carini”, that’s the good stuff. These nine minutes go by like THIS: *snaps fingers so hard I break my thumb*

Rift — 5:56
Your standard “Rift” doesn’t usually start out with Trey, Mike, and Page singing completely out of key, but this one does! That’s the kind of live experience you can expect with many more 2.0-era Phish shows to come. Fast-paced, notes a-flutter, this is not a “Rift” to miss. Just like all the other “Rift”s that have ever happened!

Harry Hood — 12:07
A noodley reggae opener can only mean one thing: Bob Marley’s ghost has come to visit the stage like a Tupac hologram. Barring that, it’s a second-set “Harry Hood” peaking its way out. Trey bends those strings at 1:30 like he’s entering the 6th dimension, which is just the 3rd dimension since dimensions are circular (I’m told). The jam traipses through lightly, careful to dance around notes with gentle aplomb. All in all, a standard “Harry Hood” to serve as an adequate penultimate Set Two song.

Character Zero — 7:56
Ah yes, Phish’s favorite set closer rears its “Character Zero”-y head. Did you know that Phish closes a set with song roughly 117% of the time? It’s absolutely true! No foolin’

This is a solid version. No worse or better than the other 674 “Character Zero”s. It’s going to be tough to talk about this one every time. I’ll have to get creative. Way more creative than I am with these last three sentences!

Set Three

Sample in a Jar — 5:10
A standard “Sample”.  The audience is cheering like this song matters even a little bit, but they’re just happy the band is back and on drugs and the vibes are tangibly cheerful!

It does end with a nice jam, though. A good Set Three opener if I ever heard one. Better than something like “Scent of a Mule” or something that would cause half the audience to run to the bathroom.

Seven Below — 7:43
The debut of “Seven Below”, which would become one of those 20-minute jams soon enough. It’s tough to get excited about a song that no one has ever heard before, it’s especially tough when Trey keeps flubbing the guitar bridges. Let’s get it together, you soulless ginger you.

It gets better when the jam starts at around 2:30, and the audience won’t stop cheering. My guess is that Mike whipped out his dick and started strumming his bass with it.

Auld Lang Syne– 0:48
Fireworks go off OR a handful of people get murdered, I can’t tell exactly. The band instrumentals their way through “Auld Lang Syne” with another Trey fuck-up. I’m laughing. Phish 2.0 really is something else.

Runaway Jim — 11:44
WHOAAAA-OHHHH-OHHH, OH RUNAWAY JIM! People keep popping off their little novelty poppers while Phish plays the first song of 2003! The soundboard quality is super shitty during the singing, but the jam is solid with Trey bending a lot of his notes, presumably on purpose! I hope! Page shines in this one, hitting a nice fluttery stride around six minutes in. It almost makes me want to learn piano, but then I remember that music really sucks ass and I hate it.

Things get kind of psychedelic by the end, rounding out a overall good “Jim”. Don’t let your grandpa listen to this one! He’ll be like “what are you listening to Phish for, you pussy.”

Time Loves a Hero — 6:29
I don’t know this song. Apparently it’s by Little Feat, a band formed by a Zappa alumnus. That’s all I know and it’s all I care to say about this! Boooo!! Move on!

Taste — 10:20
Your typical “Taste” fare starts mid-to-strong before launching into a pretty lively Page solo around the three minute mark. It’s honestly the most exciting two minutes of the entire show! Then Trey jams his way through a fifth snort of cocaine as he tremolos around eight minutes in. A real TASTE of what to expect in Phish 2.0, you might say!

No one would say that. I apologize for even thinking it.

Strange Design — 3:04
The audience CHEERS as the single most out-of-tune singing of Page’s entire career kicks off a paltry, boring “Strange Design”. Here’s a strange design: the geodesic dome. More like FUCKminster Fuller. Ha!

You can really tell that I’m running out of steam in a big way here. Good thing there’s a fucking 19-minute song coming up.

Walls of the Cave — 19:04
Nobody in the crowd has any idea what they’re in for here. They think this is going to be a normal 2003, but then Phish shoves a massive debut down their throats. Listen to them cheer and clap during the glockenspiel clackin’! Well, to be honest, this is one hell of a “Walls of the Cave”.

Plenty of minutes of pussy-ass dadrock notwithstanding, things pick up in a big way at the eight minute mark and then devolve into some of that tasty Type II jamming around the eleven minute mark. For those of you who are not “in the know”, Type II jamming means “fucking around atonally”, and it’s always awesome.

Finally, the jam gets reigned back in around 16:30 and we close out one of the better Set 3s that anyone could hope for. Especially you, my loyal (for some reason) reader.

Encore

Wading in the Velvet Sea — 7:55
You know what’s a boring encore? Seven minutes and fifty-five seconds of “Wading in the Velvet Sea”, that’s what. These people are already tired! It’s, like, an hour after midnight! We all want to be tucked into our cozy beds! And they’re going to pull out “Wading in the Velvet Sea”?? Wade in my balls.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 16: “In the Mirror of Darkness”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand’s hand is all messed up. Branded with the heron and it hurts. All wrapped up, Hurin and Loial ask what happened and Rand says “uhhh, I fell down the stairs.”

More walking through the weird, faded landscape. They come across a monument to Artur Hawkwing, which was supposed to have been toppled in their world. They approach the monument and discover words in a Trolloc language scrawled all over it. Hawkwing won the war against the Trollocs, so does this mean the Trollocs made him eat his own butt on a silver platter? Did the Trollocs win in this world? Is that why they’ve seen nobody around? But where are the Trollocs? Did they all make each other eat their own butts, too? So many useless questions!

Hurin sees what looks like a woman in white in the distance, which is similar to whom they all saw in that one ransacked and destroyed village. They approach and discover that the woman is trying to fend off a three-eyed creature called a grolm. Rand is able to call up saidin and shoot the thing right through its center eye with his bow and arrow. The woman, named Selene, congratulates him on a job well done. Good boy.

The woman is so dang beautiful that Rand pops a permanent boner. Hurin and Loial approach and they, too, pop their respective boners. Selene kneels before Rand and thanks him profusely for saving her life, and I’m guessing her head is close enough to Rand’s crotch that he blushes and thinks dirty, sinful thoughts.

Selene is from Cairhien, and claims that she was riding her horse in the real world. She took a nap and woke up in this strange alternate universe. She asks Rand to help bring her home, and Rand is like “look, lady, we’re on a quest. Wait until after we’re done and maybe we’ll think about it.” She asks about the quest, and Hurin starts rattling off everything about the Horn of Valere that one could possibly want to know about it! It’s like, slow your roll, bro. That’s your boner talking.

They’re just about to shove off when about five more grolm show up to eat them or fuck them or whatever nefarious intentions they may have. End chapter.

I don’t trust the Selene lady one fucking bit. She’s going to turn into a weird wisp of smoke and infiltrate Rand’s lungs and make him breathe the taint. Inhale the taint. Be one with the taint.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Pride and Joy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #3 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the parents don’t suspect a thing! I mean, they suspect something but they seem to be more concerned about their kids finding anything out than actually DOING something about it IF they find anything out. If that makes even a lick of dang sense.

The group, sans Molly, meets up in the middle of the night to discuss their next course of action. After some deliberation (and a failed call to the cops), it is decided to bust into Gert Yorkes’ house to try to find the chest with the body in it.

They find something else though! Behind a secret door, there was… some sort of dinosaur… So let’s check out what that’s all about.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [September, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Pride and Joy (Chapter 3)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #3

THE YORKES’ RESIDENCE – 2:49am

Geez, witness one measly murder and then you’re up all night unable to actually sleep. Kids these days.

“What the %@#*?!” Gert is heard to exclaim. I’m not sure how to pronounce “%@#*” but it sounds like it hurts your throat.

Nico knows what this is! A velociraptor! She’s seen Jurassic Park. Nobody move, they can smell movement and fear and it smells like rancid Pringles. Chase grabs a lamp, ready to prove that it’s just some CGI effects while the rest start yelling at him to stop.

KRAK

That’s the sound of a lamp hitting something that, by all appearances, is solid and able to break a lamp in half. Chase makes his best “oh fuck me” face while the now angry reptile glares hungrily.

Jump! Chase gets attacked! Rent all up into shreds of gutsy goo!… almost. Gert yells for the thing to stop, and it turns its head before it even has a chance to poke Chase in the eye or chew off his jaw! How lame is that?

“Down, girl.” Gert is on her knees TAMING THE BEAST. It works. It’s listening to her. She’s surprised.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Roll over! Fetch! Stop peeing in my slippers!

“What the hell just happened?!” Chase exclaims, not dead. Not even close. The dinosaur stays still, looking quite afraid. Nico wonders if she’s dreaming. Karolina attempts to usher the gang the fuck out of there. I’m on her side with this one.

“Quiet, we’re going to wake Gert’s psycho parents.” Alex, the de facto leader for the sole reason that the party was held at his house, tells everyone to shut it. Gert assures everyone that it’s ok; her parents sleep like babies and they’re three floors up and they’re probably too doped up on heroin to even t–

“Hello, Gertrude.”

AHHH! EEK! BRRT! SNARF! Don’t look now, but… look a second from now. Gert’s parents, still clad in their dumb supervillain garb, are standing right behind them! “Everybody run!” Alex shouts. “I’ll try to hold them – off?” Alex tries punching Gert’s dad, but his fist goes right through them. These suckas are holograms.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Tell her to aim for the ol’ nutsack.

“Hey, squirt. I’m sorry, but if you’re watching this projection we recorded… your mother and I are probably dead.”

“Hopefully, we were able to get you this secret chamber’s access code to you before we died,” her mother adds. “Don’t be absurd, Stacey. If we didn’t get her the code, how would she be watching us now? You think she accidentally stumbled into all of this?”

HRRRK! SNARF!

Anyway, they got the dinosaur from the 87th century, so Gert had better be grateful. She pets the creature, who looks like she’s purring. “She’ll protect you from whichever self-righteous do-gooder finally managed to kill us.”

Stacey Yorkes motions toward a tome through the secret wall. The Abstract. It contains all the answers to Gert’s laundry list of questions, except maybe “where’s the bathroom at down here?” The Abstract is written in that Futurama alien language. It’s ok, though, all Gert needs is the secret Little Orphan Annie decoder ring she got from the Dean family on her eighteenth birthday! Happy deciphering!

“My parents gave you a ring?” Karolina eyeballs the purple-haired girl. Hell no, not yet. She’s fifteen, dipshit. Her parents continue with their hologram blah-blah-blah-ing about seeking out other member of The Pride (“They’re your family now”) and to “steal tomorrow” from the idiots who are running the world into the ground.

Gert looks at her friends with an expression of mild apology. Nico wants to try calling the police again. Alex says they don’t have any proof of alleged 87th century time travel and sinister, murderous plotting. Chase says there’s a dang raptor in the basement, what more proof of nefariousness does one need?

Perhaps the Abstract has all sorts of encoded graphic descriptions of their plentiful crimes! Maybe there are leads on the plan to kill that one girl? “And all we have to do is decipher the thing, right? So let’s go to Karolina’s house and look for that magic decrypto ring,” suggests Nico. Karolina’s all like uh-uh girlfriend, her parents don’t even eat meat. They ain’t involved in any of this shit.

Gert points out that Hitler didn’t eat meat either. Always with the Hitler.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Sorry, I’m still hung up on you getting punched by your scrawny, 90-lb dad. Fucking wring his neck, Chase, you hoser.

Alex agrees that they should all stop by Karolina’s house next. Don’t forget that she was out of the corridor by the time the stone-cold murder was happening. She has to take their word for it. First course of action: leave the dinosaur back in the cramped, dark wall! Then vamoose.

VENTURA FREEWAY – 3:38am

“Okay, so I’ve been thinking…” says Chase, driving the car, fuzzy dice all bumpin’ around. He believes Alex now that there’s something seriously messed up going on. “If we keep snooping around our houses, we’re probably gonna end up like that chick they whacked.”

When asked if Chase has a better plan, he mentions an “abandoned place” that he hangs out at whenever his parents start throwing stuff at each other. Sounds like a heroin den. They should lay low there until everything blows over.

“It’s never gonna ‘blow over’, Chase! Our parents have probably been doing horrible stuff since before we were born, and nobody knows about it.” This is Alex talking now, the MMORPG kid. Lest we forget. He feels like he’s on a mission. A quest! If they don’t expose their parents for the awful ne’er-do-wells that they are, who will? Captain America? That guy can’t even tie his shoes.

They’re going to stop at Karolina’s, no ifs, ands, or buts. Or butts, either. Karolina assures the rest of them that her parents aren’t home. They’re probably rubbing elbows with Alex Baldwin. Literally. Just an evening of hot, sexual elbow rubbing.

Meanwhile, in the backseat, Nico is looking through the Abstract for some sort of clue on how to read any of it. She asks Gert if she’s ok, and Gert says a lot of words as a response! I love words! I like reading them and writing them! Basically, the last pet she was allowed to have was a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig. She loved it, but her parents hated it. Long story short, she walked away from the backyard for a minute and it ran away before she returned. Or at least she was told that. She thinks her parents cooked at ate him! My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Oops! Look out L.A., it’s Dinosaur Time!

THE DEAN RESIDENCE – 4:14am

Snooping around is proving fruitless. Karolina insists that her parents have nothing to do with anything. They’re boring and they’re too busy sucking dicks at the studio lot. “Well, keep looking for some kind of switch or keypad thing. There’s gotta be a trapdoor here somewhere.” Alex knocks some walls for a bit. Chase found something: a last will and testament. It’s kinda like a hologram only more… uh… orthodox.

No dinosaurs in the will, unfortunately, but there is a strange picture of that medical symbol of the staff with two snakes with a big NO SMOKING SIGN over it. As in, NO MEDICINE FOR YOU.

Karolina wears a medical bracelet. Maybe the will is asking Karolina to remove it when they’re dead? But why? She’s had it sense she was four years old since she’s allergic to penicillin. Hmm… suspicious.

Peer pressure! After some goading, Karolina gets angry and rips the thing off her wrist…

…then she suddenly starts glowing. Waves of energy flow toward her like wind. Her blown-back hair shines like a radiant prism. “What’s wrong with me? What am I?”

An angel? A mutant? Alex is remembering the conversation the parents were having before they killed the girl. Something about the Deans dealing with off-world enemies.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Nah. All aliens look like ALF.

Well, whatever it is, the bracelet was obviously suppressing it. And the Deans wanted it suppressed until they died. So now what? They’re not even dead! Things are all out of order here!

“So I’m the daughter of some kind of, what… space invaders? God, first you tell me my parents are evil, and now I find out I’m… I’m not even human?”

One thing she’s complaining about having found all this out in the first place, next thing she realizes she can fly. She’s happy now. The rest look up at her in envy as she hovers near the ceiling.

PARKER CENTER, HEADQUARTERS OF THE LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT – 4:19am

Lieutenant Flores wants to talk to Detective Douglas about the prank called he received earlier. ‘Twas nothing. Kid complaining that his parents were supervillains. “I get a couple of those every time report cards come out.” Something about The Pride. Stupid stuff, eh Lieutenant? Heh heh. Well, goodnight!

THE WILDER RESIDENCE – 4:21am

“It’s four in the morning, Mr. Wilder. Do you know where your children are?”

“Lieutenant Flores?”

“Sorry to bother you, sire… but I think we might have a problem.”

Final Thoughts

IT’S A CONSPIRACY. PUT ON YOUR TINFOIL HATS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. IT’S A POLICE STATE. THE GOVERNMENT IS COMPLICIT. RUN FOR THE HILLS. PANIC. PANIC!


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