The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 10: “The Hunt Begins”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

And they’re off! Led by Ingtar, the group heads south on horseback. Perrin and Mat are being bitches and won’t let Rand ride with them, mostly because of his lordliness and his ornate clothing. When they stop for camp, Rand finds out that the only clothes he has packed are these frilly formal clothes. You know, the kind a lord would wear!

This one guy named Masema, he has never been friendly with Rand. Rand asks Ingtar what the ungodly fuck Masema’s problem is, and Ingtar tells him that he is no friend to the Aiel. And even if Rand insists that he is of the Two Rivers, Masema still sees the unmistakable black eyes and butt chin of the Aiel in Rand (lol, I’m just a-kiddin’. Something about the hair though. Who cares). Loial is all like “I THOUGHT RAND WAS AN AIEL TOO WHEN I FIRST MET HIM HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT ME I’M TALKING!”

The next day they find an abandoned Darkfriends camp. There are human bones by the firepit. Human bones and organs and eyeballs and fingers and pants that say “JUICY” on the butt. Hurin the Sniffer says they went the other way now, so they go the other way. Then after a while, they go the other way. Then the other way. And Ingtar gets pissed because this is a waste of time for everyone. Eventually, they find a deserted village. Not only deserted, but it looks like it was suddenly deserted. Like the rapture happened. Do they have raptures in the world of the Wheel of Time? I sure hope not, that would be ridiculous! Uno, one of Ingtar’s burly manly men, claims he sees a woman in white in one of the house windows. But when he barges his ass into the house, she isn’t there…

After crossing the river, the group finds two of Fal Dara’s guards, Changu and Nidao, hanging from trees and skinned alive. Everyone is like “gross”. They bury the bodies and keep on moving.

They find another similarly deserted village. Rand steps into a house and starts seeing visions of the family who used to live there and their last moments. This part of the book repeats the same paragraph three times as Rand keeps seeing the same vision over and over again. It won’t stop, and Rand freaks out. Eventually, he does something One Powery that allows him to break free from the loop and hobble out of the house. No one else experienced this weird encounter. Rand poops his pants.

They find a barn with a Myrddraal nailed to the door through its eye sockets. Something really, really fucked up must have been able to do this to a goshdarned Myrddraal! They move on again.

Moving on. Moving on.

Moving on.

*moving on*


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Pride and Joy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #1 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 1)”!

Having fallen HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE with Brian K. Vaughan’s Paper Girls, I needed a fix of both his writing and a coming-of-age story. The obvious choice here is the Runaways series.

I didn’t do any prior research on this series, and I don’t know what to expect. I don’t even know if these kids are going to be superheroes! They could start an Anime Club in high school for all I fucking know. And even though that sounds irrevocably shitty, I have enough trust in Brian K. Vaughan that he could even make a series about Anime Club and have it not suck completely.

I look forward to reading a lot of issues of this, thank you and hello.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [July, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Pride and Joy (Chapter 1)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #1

See? What did I tell you? The girl on the cover has anime hair! She’s wearing steampunk anime clothes! This is gonna be some hella otaku shit, isn’t it?

Fuckin’ right away – RIGHT AWAY, PAGE ONE – there’s that dickhead Captain America and he’s fighting the Hulk with Daredevil. “If we don’t find a way to put the Hulk down fast, he’s gonna tear right through the White House!”

LOL, I hope so. Is this 2003? Punch his way right into George W. Bush’s private bathroom and strangle him with his own toilet seat. Anyway, Daredevil can’t help right now, Spider-Man is dead! He’s dead! He’s dead and I’m laughing!

“Don’t worry, gentlemen, I can handle this.” In walks the Invisible Woman, who isn’t invisible and looks quite bodacious, actually, you might say. “After all, there’s more than one way to sooth a savage beast.”

Cap calls this whole thing “retarded”. Invisible Woman isn’t part of this mission, and she’s out of character. “You’re supposed to be the Invisible Woman, not Mrs. Skank-tastic,” Cap says, face drooping comically.

“And just so you know, it’s not cool to use ‘retarded’ in a pejorative manner,” Daredevil informs Cap. “My cousin’s girlfriend is a retard.”

CUT! That’s a wrap, guys! Time to end this campaign, it’s dead in the water anyway. Let’s just let Hulk bust through the West Wing and kick Aaron Sorkin in the balls.

“Alex Wilder, get off that thing now!”

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Yuck! No son of mine is going to play an MMORPG when he could instead be looking at pornography like a healthy teenager.

Alex takes off his headset and scowls at his parents. Dad asks if this “M” “M” “O” “R” “P” “G” will cost him money. Yeah, Dad, it’s a birthday present and the subscription will last until your son’s death and beyond. Alex pulls back the curtain of his bedroom, revealing a beautiful view of a beach sunset. “Besides, we live in Malibu! What difference does a few dollars make?

It makes a lot of difference, punk! Now cancel that subscription ASAP or he’ll beat your Malibu ass with his Malibu belt! Now remember this moment, because this decision was made out of love even though this is literally the only way you have been able to communicate with all your friends at once. It’s called a chat room, son, and those are free. Now change your ratty Bruce Lee shirt before the evening’s guests arrive.

Dad leaves and Mom apologizes on his behalf. He just gets nervous before his big charity events where he rubs elbows with five other businessmen and cuts a few checks. Very relatable, you see. “I just wish I didn’t have to babysit your friends’ creepy kids while you guys get to hide in the library,” Alex grumbles.

*slap* *slap slap punch stab* *kick* Those kids aren’t creepy! And the work that Alex’s folks and their guests do is sensitive and needs to be done in private. The library is the only place you can go to by pulling back a sconce and revealing a secret passageway, and so help them God they only get to do that once a year. So cork it.

“Alex, you’re being obnoxious. The six of you have been having nothing but marvelous times together since you were all in diapers,” his mom argues. “And unlike your ‘internet friends’, those kids think of you as family. They can’t wait to see you!”

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Yeesh, that’s a creepy kid right there if I ever did see one.

THE YORKES RESIDENCE – 6:01pm

“If you guys are so obsessed with helping the poor, why won’t you let me join the socialist club?”

“Gertrude, as we discussed, while capitalism may be the unequal distribution of wealth, socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.”

I’m looking forward to seeing the coming-of-age story of six rich fucking punks from Los Angeles. That’s WAY better than four girls from suburban Cleveland any day, let me tell you.

Gertrude’s dad makes fun of her for being a sophomore. Gertrude schools her dad on the etymology of “sophomore”. And we’re done with the Yorkes for now.

THE DEAN RESIDENCE – 6:13pm

“Karolina, you’re an angel!” gushes a mom who looks like a mountain of plastic surgery. “Look, Frank, she made tempeh fajitas for the fundraiser tonight.”

Karolina with a K did make fajitas! It’s for all the vegans who are attending the event tonight, you know, since the Wilder family didn’t have much in the way of meatless, cheeseless, eggless bullshit last year. Frank takes a bite and requests some yeast flakes; a trick that Kim Basinger taught him. Hey, Alec Baldwin taught Karolina’s mom the same thing! Wow! Gag me with a spoon! We’re done with the Deans, fuck this.

THE STEIN RESIDENCE – 6:22pm

The Stein Residence has some issues.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1

DO NOT EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF THE WILDERS. I’M NOT GOING TO WEAR MY BEST TANK TOP JUST TO LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

“That’s for talking back! You think straight C’s are funny? You’re becoming a dumb jock, Chase. Is that what you want to be, a cliché?”

“Well, you’re a nerd who punches like a girl… isn’t that a cliché?”

Fair point, and deep down I think Dad agrees. “Keep making jokes, big man. We’ll see how hard you’re laughing after we pull you off lacrosse.” That one did the trick. Chase’ll be good. He loves lacrosse! He gets to flick that stick around. It’s good stuff.

THE HAYES RESIDENCE – 6:37pm

“Dad, can we talk about my body?”

GLUG! Dad is like, go ask your mother, she’s a doctor too. We’re both doctors, but she’s a doctor! Go talk to her, she has the vagina. Please?

Molly is 11, and she’s having her period and stuff so Dad promises that, after the party, he and Mom will sit down with her have a talk about blood and tampons the moon and everything that goes along with becoming a full-fledged, disgusting woman. But until then, scram.

THE MINORU RESIDENCE – 6:49pm

“We are not going to be late!” yells the giant-mouthed patriarch of the household. Nico is holed up in her room, which has posters on the door like “ABSINTHE” and “KAT PISS”. She’s looking for her black nail polish, which Mom threw away. No kid of hers is going to go out looking like Marilyn Manson’s shitty nephew! Yes, I said “nephew”.

“Great, now I have to mix all my old polish together to try to make black!”

No way, Jose. Kids with black nail polish do hella drugs. Mom saw it on Oprah with Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz and Deepak Chopra and other really terrible people.

THE WILDER RESIDENCE – 7:25pm

Oh, we’ve been here before. Full circle. The party is in full swing, and Alex hasn’t left his room yet because he doesn’t want to mingle with all these rich fart-smelling dipshits.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Ahoy, you fart-smelling dipshit!

Everyone is there but the Minorus, who are ready to show up quite fashionably late. Alex comes downstairs all sulky and wearing his best “PAYCE!” t-shirt.

The Minorus have made it! Nico walks in behind her parents and Alex pops a boner. She’s dressed like, well, the goth chick from the comic book cover art. She hands Alex back some DVDs she borrowed and he’s all like “uh buh buh buh”. Her nail polish looks burgundy. “Are you ok?” she asks, staring into his eyes with a wry grin. “You’re acting all Keanu.”

Well, for starters, Nico looks hot now, so he’s into that. Second of all, *boner*. Third of all, uh…

Karolina pops in to compliment Nico’s new threads. Molly wants to ask Gertrude (or “Gert”, the ugliest nickname in the world) about girl stuff, to which she responds with a hearty “Under no circumstances.”

Well, now that we’re all settled and our bellies full of shrimp cocktail, it’s time for the adults to pull back that sconce and hang out in the library, ahem, conduct important business (i.e. drop a lot of acid). Kids, hang out in the game room and please don’t start any fires! The game room has no emergency exits! *wink*

THE GAME ROOM – 8:46pm

The game room is full of arcade machines of games called things like “OH BOY!” and “BUSTIN’ CAPS” and “BLAHH”. The six of them sit on the couch looking bored out of their minds and quite antisocial. Seems awkward. Nico breaks the ice with a big yawn. Gert agrees with the sentiment. Chase wants some beer. Alex suggests making the most of it until their parents are finished with their orgy.

Oh wait! *lightbulb* here’s an idea! “Let’s spy on the ‘rents.”

“THE ‘RENTS”, how quaint! Nico doesn’t want to spy on no ‘rents, but no, it’s totally cool! There are a ton of security cameras and secret passageways and stuff! They caught Alex jerking it in the attic once next to a pile of vintage Beanie Babies. “My dad doesn’t know I found this when I was snooping for Christmas presents a few months ago,” he says, pressing a button and opening up a secret door that leads to, presumably, the boiler room or the yacht or whatever else they may have in their house.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Chase is looking to get punched in the face again, I see.

THE CORRIDORS – 9:15pm

“This is like the haunted mansion at Disney,” Molly complains. “Only boringer.”

The corridor has windows, but Alex assures the group that the ‘rents are probably too high on fentanyl to even notice. Plus, they’re one-way mirrors.

“Can I hold onto you Alex? My night vision stinks,” says Nico innocently.

*boner*

At last, they come across a wall adjacent to the library. They can hear their ‘rents hootin’ and hollerin’.

“…if we’re satisfied with Mr. and Mrs. Dean’s plans for our off-world enemies, I suggest we move onto The Pride’s final order of business.”

Buh-what? Off-world enemies? The Pride. Too much fentanyl right in the ol’ nutsack, Dad. Everyone but Mr. Wilder is dressed up costumes and/or scientist garb. “Is… is that my mom and dad?” Karolina asks, looking at her plastic parental units.

“Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?” Alex asks the group.

“Yeah, our parents are totally gay,” Chase responds eloquently. Welcome to 2003, everyone.

“No… they’re superheroes.”

The group brings into the room a scared-looking young woman with bluish hair and bluish lipstick. Alex tries to usher young Molly out of the corridors before something happens, but Molly is insistent that she wants to see the superheroes. Karolina tells her that their parents are “putting on a stupid play” and that they’ll go back and fix her hair (“What’s wrong with it…?”).

“Is that a working girl, Wilder?” asks Mr. Yorkes. “I thought you and your wife only handled drugs and gambling in this town.” Pffft, step off his fentanyl-filled nuts, Yorkes. After all, Wilder doesn’t question what he does in the fourth dimension, does he? No sir!

“Alex…” Nico hesitates. “What if they’re not good guys?”

DING DING DING! Of course they aren’t! They’re going to kill this prostitute for personal gain, can’t you see? The Drs. Hayes start flashing some telekinetic eyebeams and restrain the young woman. Their mysterious machine is geared up and ready.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Or The Red Baron or Dr. Evil or Harrison Ford.

Mr. Minoru starts reciting some ancient words from some ancient tome. “I want you to know that you’re helping us forge a better tomorrow for our children,” Mr. Wilder says, lifting up the sad woman’s chin and glaring right into her eyes. “On behalf of The Pride,” he brandishes a knife, “we truly appreciate your sacrifice.”

SHUNK! Right between the ribs, motherfucker! This chick is going down! Then someone behind a mirror screams. “What the hell was that?” asks one of these bad guy mofos.

Gert and Chase stare through the mirror in disbelief while Alex desperately holds Nico’s mouth shut.

Final Thoughts

Dark times ahead already! My guess is that the parents either find out they have been eavesdropped upon by their children and start trying to chase them down, OR the six of them decide to run off on their own volition. Either way… here come the Runaways!

I look forward to seeing what happens next.


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Fray, Issue #5 – “Chapter Five: The Worst of It”

* Part 5 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #5 – “Chapter Five: The Worst of It”! In the previous installment, Melaka Fray has enough flashbacks about her twin brother Hatch that we now know the whole story: Icarus confronted them, Melaka couldn’t stop him, Icarus bit Hatch, Melaka fell off a building, Hatch died, Erin blames Melaka. A sad story. We’ve all been there.

The encounter with Icarus was curious because he knew Fray’s name. Her reputation precedes her, and a little chat with Gunther reveals… nothing. But Fray gets knocked out during a Lurk fracas and Icarus takes her to his Master.

His Master is Hatch!

Eeek! Who saw that coming?! Not me, and I have an IQ of 303! Let’s see how Vamp Hatch is going to fuck with Melaka’s mind and cause her to cry and stuff. That’ll be fun.

Fray, Issue #5 [December, 2001]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter Five: The Worst of It”

Fray, Issue #5

Loo is getting bullied again. I hope this kid eventually faces her enemies and eats them alive, literally. Just sinks her teeth into someone’s fucking neck and sucks their blood out, just like a… a… um…

“I’m a Lurk! I’m a Lurk! I’m ‘a eat you!” yells the kid, chasing Loo around while she screams. This poor kid with the milky eye and the stumpy arm.

The kid trips over a rock, and then Loo jumps on his back. “I’m Mel! Can’t a Lurk in the world hurt Mel ‘cause she’s the slam!” Holy shit, I love that, “the slam”. I’m going to start using that in my daily life.

Loo recounts the tale of how Mel fucked up Icarus, but this other kid didn’t hear it that way. Loo gets mad! How dare you say a word about it? Loo was there, and she’s got Urkonn Goat-Face to corroborate the dang story! Zip the lip, son!

“My mom says Lurks are people God got sick of,” says the kid, mopey.

“Not even,” argues Loo. “It’s a social disease. You get it from making with people, then you want blood and all.”

Nope, Lurks are ‘cause of God, and one’s probably going to eat Loo if she doesn’t watch it. She yells as he walks away. She’s got Melaka, and ain’t no Lurk gonna mess with Loo lest it gets a face full of Melaka’s fists.

She sits alone, doubting herself a tad. TOM’S PREDICTION: Lurks are going to get Loo and Melaka won’t be around to stop them. How sad is that shit going to be?

Fray, Issue #5

Kiss me, you beautiful fool.

Vampire Harth sits atop a tall tower of scaffolding. “I’ll tell you the truth, Mel… I really missed you,” he smiles before leaping down gracefully from the tower.

“My brother has been dead for four years,” Melaka thinks, staring at her brother who hasn’t aged a day since she last saw him.

“It’s confusing, I know,” Harth says, brow furrowed. “And it’s not easy to explain. I guess we’d start… I guess we’d start with my death.”

DEATH FLASHBACK. Icarus gets bitey bitey, Harth gets bitey bitey. “It hurts, you know,” he tells her. “My throat torn open, the animal’s teeth scraping bone it was so eager to suck out my blood.”

Before he knew it, he was dying… and then, like a brief moment of total clarity, he knew what he had to do next. And that was rip a chunk out of Icarus’ cheek with his teeth. So he did that! And Harth smiles with bloody teeth.

Then he died. Like a chump.

“How did you know?” Icarus bends down to talk to the now-deceased. “How did you know you had to feed to become one of us?” Oh ho ho ho, Harth knows much more than that! You just wait and see.

“You don’t dream much, do you, Mel? I dreamed. Always. Before my earliest memories of the world, there were the dreams. There was the girl…”

Ooooooh, the girl? Was she the slam??

“She was different every time. But the same. A peasant, a priestess… hundreds of girls, from times we’ve forgotten, worlds we couldn’t picture. She was me. She wasn’t me. I loved her.”

What the fuck are you talking about, bro? Did getting vamped up screw with your head?… aside from the obvious.

“I killed her.”

Keep it in your pants, homeboy. You ain’t making a lick of sense besides. Mel seems to know what’s going on, being a twin and all. Twins have that creepy telepathic shit going on. Harth always thought that she and he were two halves of the same person. Probably because they are. Twins are creepy.

Fray, Issue #5

Some choose to look like David Duchovny. These are the most based of all…

Harth flashes Melaka the ol’ vamp face. He’s not one to bandy that about, though, because he thinks he’s better than that. Resting vamp face isn’t befitting of a man of his stature, the One Who Will Lead. Ah yes, mentioned in the previous issue, the One Who Will Lead is the biggest threat that must be stopped. Sibling against sibling, the oldest rivalry in the book. Literally. That whole Cain and Abel thing, right? That was a thing early on in a book.

“This world belongs to the demons. They were banished, exiled by one of your ambitious predecessors.” I can hear the sneer in Harth’s voice, but he might just be hungry for some Ben & Jerry’s. “I will open the gateway, and bring back the old ones.”

Melaka is turned away from him, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“And everyone you love will die screaming.”

She refuses to believe that the old Harth isn’t in there somewhere. “You only think those things because you’re infected. My brother would never hurt anyone.”

HA! Ain’t you watch Buffy? The only thing vampires want to do is hurt people! And watch Passions.

Melaka learns first-hand that, yes, Harth would hurt someone. He punches her right in the stomach as hard as he can. WHOMP. She gasps for air on the floor. “I love you, Melaka. I’ve never felt closer to anyone. I watched you. I knew what you were before you did. You wasted your talent grabbing for Gunther, so I used you to complete my collection.” Harth motions toward the very artifacts that Melaka was paid to steal. “The pieces that will help me open the gateway. Thanks to you, I have them all.”

Grabbing for Gunther. Tuesdays on FOX.

Melaka desperately grabs Harth’s shirt. She won’t let him hurt anyone! She can’t! She won’t! She shan’t! She couldn’t! She don’t!

Harth punches her right across the jaw, then throws her aside with incredible force! “The only question is, what do I do with you now?”

Fray, Issue #5

That’s going to tickle in the morning. So not the slam.

Harth had sent Melaka flying so fast and hard, she crashes right through the wall, then the ground, then lands facedown in the sewer water. “Oh. Okay. Oops,” Harth says, obviously not intending to possibly kill her… but he knows she’s not dead. He would know if she was dead! He’s got that, you know, death spidey-sense.

She flows out into the river, defeated! She lost the battle, but oh, she will… also lose the next battle. Then the next. Then she won’t necessarily win the war. She’ll just delay it.

Erin is returning to her Uppers apartment after a long day of Being a Cop. She is telling her partner, Broder, to give her a ringy-dingy if anything comes up. And also…

…someone’s in her apartment…

…Erin draws her gun, ready to blast some sap into a thousand bits and pieces…

…it’s Melaka…

BLAM!

Just kidding! She looks rough, though, like a blast from a futuristic laser gun would be just what the doctor ordered. “Erin, I’m… I’m sorry,” she cries. Then she catches Erin up on the current business.

“But he’s alive.”

“Not alive. You don’t understand.”

“I guess I don’t. He’s got infected, he’s a Lurk. But there’s gotta be a cure for that, right?”

“You ever hear of one?”

A lot of this breakdown involves convincing Erin that Harth is a vampire and that Melaka is the Slayer. It sounds like a bunch of malarkey. Not the slam.

The weird wrench in all of this is that they’re twins. He had the dreams, the knowledge, the heritage. That shouldn’t have happened. Melaka has none of that, but she has the strength. Something’s fishy, at any rate. It stinks like Gunther.

Erin doesn’t want to hear any of this. How is she supposed to trust her degenerate sister anyway? Just look at her hair! It’s two colors!

Fray, Issue #5

We’ve never seen eye-to-eye! That’s why I’m doing something with my life (Slaying) and you’re just a fucking asshole loser piece of shit (Cop).

“You’ve never had anything but contempt for me since the day Harth died and you know what? You’re probably right!” Erin doesn’t have anything to say to this, so she just lets Melaka keep on yackin’. It doesn’t matter if Erin doesn’t believe her, because why should she, but there’s no way in heaven nor hell (and don’t get me started on Hades) that she’s going to come into her apartment and make up stories about goblins and ghoulies. She needs help is what she needs. This much is true.

“He said everyone I love is gonna die screaming.”

“So I guess I’m safe,” Erin grins. Then she immediately regrets saying it.

Whatever then, you do you. As long as you don’t try to stop her. “I think we’ve got a war coming,” Melaka says as she walks out. “And I can’t win it.”

Erin tells her that Gunther gave her up. Don’t trust him.

“I don’t trust anyone,” she says simply. And she closes the door.

Melaka returns to her shithole neighborhood. Urkonn has been worried sick, young lady!

Fray, Issue #5

Well, shit.

Urkonn wasn’t the only one looking for Melaka. Her whole apartment has been ransacked. And they left a message in the form of a poor, little dead girl. Even Urkonn looks horrified, which isn’t much of a stretch anyway.

Melaka, emotionless, stares down at Loo’s body. Then she gets up and walks toward the large hole in her wall. “He said it. He said I couldn’t protect anyone. He was right.”

“I’m not even a real Slayer. All I can do is fight. So it’s time I started fighting.”

“Time to let them know I’m in this.”

“Urkonn…”

“It’s time for war.”

Final Thoughts

First of all, I’m mad that Loo got killed.

Second of all, like I said, she ain’t winning no war. There’s no such thing as winning this war! She’s going to delay it, then get killed, and the next Slayer is going to take her place. My guess is Taylor Swift XIV, her great great great great great great… you know what I mean.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 9: “Leavetakings”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Leavetakings! They’re all taking their leave! Bye bye, now! Wave and smile, you’ll never see any of them again!

Ingtar, Fal Dara’s main muscle, leads Rand’s group. This would be Ingtar, Uno, Masema, Ragan, Rand, Mat, Perrin, and Loial. Rand apologizes to his buddies and they are all receptive to his sheepish tail-between-the-legs blatherings after a fashion. Rand is wearing really formal clothes, though, which is still causing his group to SNOOT and SNORT at him. At some point, Lan pulls Rand aside and teaches him about “Sheathing the Sword”. It sounds like a sex euphemism, but I’m pretty sure Lan was talking about killing oneself when the going gets rough. Chew a cyanide tablet like a normal person.

As Siuan and her group tries to leave, an arrow whisks along out of nowhere and clips Siuan. The lone gunman in the grassy knoll! She waves it off like this assassination attempt was a whole bunch of nothing because she believes the bowman was aiming for Rand, not her. And Rand is, like, waaaay over there! Poor shot!

Ingtar’s men take their leave and meet up with a man named Hurin, a “sniffer”. He smells the air and he can tell you how many turds Loial pooped six hours ago. He can also track Darkfriends like a hound, because he is able to “smell violence”. His nose knows to head south, so south they go.

The last half of the chapter focuses on Bayle Domon, the captain of the ship, the Spray, who saved Rand, Mat, Perrin, and Thom Gleeman Merrilin after Shadar Logoth in The Eye of the World. He’s hanging around Illian (where Rand’s group will be headed AFTER they find the Horn of Valere) and not particularly reveling in the festivities. At an inn, Domon is approached by three men who instruct him to deliver a person and a sealed envelope to the eastern ports of Illian, and that they will pay HANDSOMELY for the effort. Domon is like “pah!” but decides to do it for the HANDSOME sum, staying wary that someone is paying him a lot of money to go east…

One of Domon’s crew informs him that a man of his was killed. His men have been dying in droves, but usually it’s because Domon keeps declining jobs. Weird that a man died after a job was accepted, no? At any rate, they start working on setting sail. Domon unseals the letter with a little bit of heat, a knife, and some semen, and reads the letter. It’s from the King of Cairhien, reporting that Domon is a nogoodnik and that he should be arrested and hanged for his Darkfriend crimes! Domon is spooked! He instructs his crew to start sailing west, opposite the direction he was paid to travel.

Intrigue! Suspense! Characters I don’t care much about! But maybe that will change as I keep reading this brick.


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Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Book I: Skywalker Strikes storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Rebels get away! Luke barely gets away and becomes depressed about his inability to become a real Jedi like his pops and that Obi-Wan guy.

These comics are pretty short and not very dense. Makes for some easy reading and quick recaps! It’s because Star Wars is for small children! Let’s keep this going.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [June, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 4)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

“The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome to the humble sands of Tatooine.”

If there’s one thing I know about Tatooine, it’s the sands themselves. Humble? You bet! Darth Vader and his cronies have arrived to negotiate with the fat sluggy slug. Jabba the Hutt is impressed with Darth Vader’s commanding presence and would be more than thrilled to partner up with Vader and his lucrative fuzzy dice production company. He just needs to understand the Emperor’s terms: under no circumstances shall there be ketchup on any of the Empire’s hot dogs.

“He may have whatever he needs to build his Star Destroyers and feed his stormtroopers and kill his Rebels,” Jabba squelches in his native tongue of Hutt Latin. “All I ask in return, from my friend, is that he pay me well.”

“You will be paid whatever we decide we pay you,” Vader responds, maintaining his UPPER HAND. Of course, Jabba the Hutt isn’t going to be lowering his own hand anytime soon. And he DOES have hands. I checked! Jabba threatens that the Empire’s shipments might get intercepted by pirates and space slugs if he gets shafted on payment. I, for one, want to see a cargo ship get swarmed by space slugs, but I won’t get to. I already know this.

Vader doesn’t back down and tells this pile of poop that the shipments will be delivered on time or else he’ll get a taste of the Empire’s galactic fist! *punches a pillow*

Then it’s settled! “I do not know about you, my dear Lord of the Sith, but Jabba the Hutt prefers to seal all his business ventures… by watching something die.”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Han & Chewie, part of ABC’s TGIF Friday night lineup.

Han Solo and Chewbacca are working on getting the Millennium Falcon back up to snuff. C-3PO is not in 50 pieces anymore. Things have reverted back to status quo. Let’s all grab a Slurpee to celebrate.

“We’re not doing enough,” says Princess Leia, taking the wind out of my sails. My Slurpee is going in the garbage, then. “Since the battle of Yavin and the destruction of the Death Star, the Rebel Alliance has staged more than a dozen different attacks on almost as many worlds,” assures Admiral Squidface Ackbar. This, plus bombings on Kuat (?) and Imdaar (?). Plus that one weapons factory on Cymoon 1, ever heard of it? “I’m not sure what more we could possibly be doing.”

Here’s Leia’s idea: hurt the Empire even harder! Duh.

Can’t do that when you’re on the run, Your Highness. The Admiral and that one Mothma lady suggest finding a new base of operations first before we give the Empire anymore spontaneous wedgies. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker is in the batting cage practicing and increasing his lightsaber prowess. He gets shot by floating orb lasers and falls to the floor pathetically.

Leia shows up to task him with a mission. A mission that only he will be able to carry out! The Death Star thing and then the weapons factory thing, that stuff was great! Good, good stuff! Why, Leia’s never seen such masculinity and ruggedness! Luke will be a Jedi in no time!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Oh yeah? Then what’s with all these certificates from Jedi College and Jedi merit badges with your name on them?

Leia tells Luke he’s special. He’s a special boy. Luke doesn’t want to hear it. He can’t even tie his own space shoes, let alone stand up to the greatest former Jedi ever known. “Darth Vader swatted me away like an insect.”

This is the part where Leia frowns with her puppy dog eyes while Luke yells “JUST LET ME GO” like a whiny little insect worthy of nothing more than getting swatted. So he walks away.

In Mos Eisley, which I believe is some kind of shitty Tatooine urban environment, a few alien-types are talking to a vaguely alien bounty hunter-type about finding man. Not just any man, because men are a dime a dozen. A very specific man. And there’s a reward? Why, say no more! The alien-types will take it! Not the job, of course, but they’ll just take the reward.

Well, the vaguely alien bounty hunter-type ain’t taking too kindly to some ruffians who think they’re about to put the old hoodwink swindle on him, so he presses a button under his desk and shoots them all through the knees with a blast of gunfire. Now we’re in business; this guy is serious as a heart attack. “I’m looking for the biggest one of them all. A smuggler. By the name of Solo.”

After some more threats and nipple-twisting, the Rodians (as they are named) give up the goods! He’s not on Tatooine, he flew the coop. Does that help?

I guess it does! This bounty hunter guy moves on with barely any new information.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Not without payment in the form of kisses.

What else is going on? Darth Vader takes Jabba the Hutt on that “watching something die” offer. They’re flying a ship a few dozen feet above the ground shooting at woolly mammoths? Banthas. And here I am merely passing the time reading comic books like an idiot. Vader and Jabba go back and forth with their own brands of intimidating conversational eccentricities. Vader is like “we’re not friends just because you’re doing more than anyone else to help the Empire” and Jabba is like “yes we are”. Jabba provided some bounty hunters. The best in the business! You’re welcome.

Jabba the Hutt knows of Luke Skywalker, since he is now notorious around the Core Planets and the Outer Rim and the Inner Rim and the Middle Rim and the Upper Rim and the Lower Rim and Milton, Delaware as the wee little baby who blew up the Death Star. “And if it’s true that old Ben Kenobi was involved,” Jabba squelches, “perhaps [he’s] a boy who fancies himself a Jedi as well.”

This piques Vader’s interest considering old Ben Kenobi left him for dead near some lava that one time. Jabba’s got many, many stories about old Ben Kenobi! That guy is like a bad rash, man. “It’s still hard to believe that this boy of yours, this mighty warrior who destroyed the undestroyable Death Star, could have possibly come from these same empty dunes.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Not even Jimmy Smits? Oh wait, he’s from Brooklyn.

Han and Leia have accepted the fact that Luke is a whimpering little pissant and are letting him do his thing, sort of. Leia says it’s a bad idea to leave. Han says it’s cuckoo fucking bananas. “Kid, the entire Empire is out there searching the galaxy for the pilot who blew up the Death Star. What do you think’ll happen if they catch you?”

Luke is pretty confident that no one knows who he is, apparently, for some unfounded reason. He’s going back to Tatooine with R2-D2 to do some real soul-searching (jerking off).

Speaking of Tatooine, the roughed-up Rodians have been approached by yet another bounty hunter-type. “I’m looking for someone,” he says, much to the exasperation of the Rodians who don’t need more blasts right through the kneecaps. “Like we told the other bounty hunter, we don’t know where Solo’s run off to.”

It’s not Han Solo he’s after, oh no no no. Benjamin Franklin Kenobi. Dead as a doornail Kenobi. Why is this guy looking for him? Hard to say. Perhaps he wants to fornicate with the corpse?

At any rate, it’s Boba Fett.

Final Thoughts

Jabba the Slutt. That’s my only final thought.


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