The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 9: “Leavetakings”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Leavetakings! They’re all taking their leave! Bye bye, now! Wave and smile, you’ll never see any of them again!

Ingtar, Fal Dara’s main muscle, leads Rand’s group. This would be Ingtar, Uno, Masema, Ragan, Rand, Mat, Perrin, and Loial. Rand apologizes to his buddies and they are all receptive to his sheepish tail-between-the-legs blatherings after a fashion. Rand is wearing really formal clothes, though, which is still causing his group to SNOOT and SNORT at him. At some point, Lan pulls Rand aside and teaches him about “Sheathing the Sword”. It sounds like a sex euphemism, but I’m pretty sure Lan was talking about killing oneself when the going gets rough. Chew a cyanide tablet like a normal person.

As Siuan and her group tries to leave, an arrow whisks along out of nowhere and clips Siuan. The lone gunman in the grassy knoll! She waves it off like this assassination attempt was a whole bunch of nothing because she believes the bowman was aiming for Rand, not her. And Rand is, like, waaaay over there! Poor shot!

Ingtar’s men take their leave and meet up with a man named Hurin, a “sniffer”. He smells the air and he can tell you how many turds Loial pooped six hours ago. He can also track Darkfriends like a hound, because he is able to “smell violence”. His nose knows to head south, so south they go.

The last half of the chapter focuses on Bayle Domon, the captain of the ship, the Spray, who saved Rand, Mat, Perrin, and Thom Gleeman Merrilin after Shadar Logoth in The Eye of the World. He’s hanging around Illian (where Rand’s group will be headed AFTER they find the Horn of Valere) and not particularly reveling in the festivities. At an inn, Domon is approached by three men who instruct him to deliver a person and a sealed envelope to the eastern ports of Illian, and that they will pay HANDSOMELY for the effort. Domon is like “pah!” but decides to do it for the HANDSOME sum, staying wary that someone is paying him a lot of money to go east…

One of Domon’s crew informs him that a man of his was killed. His men have been dying in droves, but usually it’s because Domon keeps declining jobs. Weird that a man died after a job was accepted, no? At any rate, they start working on setting sail. Domon unseals the letter with a little bit of heat, a knife, and some semen, and reads the letter. It’s from the King of Cairhien, reporting that Domon is a nogoodnik and that he should be arrested and hanged for his Darkfriend crimes! Domon is spooked! He instructs his crew to start sailing west, opposite the direction he was paid to travel.

Intrigue! Suspense! Characters I don’t care much about! But maybe that will change as I keep reading this brick.


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Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Book I: Skywalker Strikes storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Rebels get away! Luke barely gets away and becomes depressed about his inability to become a real Jedi like his pops and that Obi-Wan guy.

These comics are pretty short and not very dense. Makes for some easy reading and quick recaps! It’s because Star Wars is for small children! Let’s keep this going.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [June, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 4)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

“The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome to the humble sands of Tatooine.”

If there’s one thing I know about Tatooine, it’s the sands themselves. Humble? You bet! Darth Vader and his cronies have arrived to negotiate with the fat sluggy slug. Jabba the Hutt is impressed with Darth Vader’s commanding presence and would be more than thrilled to partner up with Vader and his lucrative fuzzy dice production company. He just needs to understand the Emperor’s terms: under no circumstances shall there be ketchup on any of the Empire’s hot dogs.

“He may have whatever he needs to build his Star Destroyers and feed his stormtroopers and kill his Rebels,” Jabba squelches in his native tongue of Hutt Latin. “All I ask in return, from my friend, is that he pay me well.”

“You will be paid whatever we decide we pay you,” Vader responds, maintaining his UPPER HAND. Of course, Jabba the Hutt isn’t going to be lowering his own hand anytime soon. And he DOES have hands. I checked! Jabba threatens that the Empire’s shipments might get intercepted by pirates and space slugs if he gets shafted on payment. I, for one, want to see a cargo ship get swarmed by space slugs, but I won’t get to. I already know this.

Vader doesn’t back down and tells this pile of poop that the shipments will be delivered on time or else he’ll get a taste of the Empire’s galactic fist! *punches a pillow*

Then it’s settled! “I do not know about you, my dear Lord of the Sith, but Jabba the Hutt prefers to seal all his business ventures… by watching something die.”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Han & Chewie, part of ABC’s TGIF Friday night lineup.

Han Solo and Chewbacca are working on getting the Millennium Falcon back up to snuff. C-3PO is not in 50 pieces anymore. Things have reverted back to status quo. Let’s all grab a Slurpee to celebrate.

“We’re not doing enough,” says Princess Leia, taking the wind out of my sails. My Slurpee is going in the garbage, then. “Since the battle of Yavin and the destruction of the Death Star, the Rebel Alliance has staged more than a dozen different attacks on almost as many worlds,” assures Admiral Squidface Ackbar. This, plus bombings on Kuat (?) and Imdaar (?). Plus that one weapons factory on Cymoon 1, ever heard of it? “I’m not sure what more we could possibly be doing.”

Here’s Leia’s idea: hurt the Empire even harder! Duh.

Can’t do that when you’re on the run, Your Highness. The Admiral and that one Mothma lady suggest finding a new base of operations first before we give the Empire anymore spontaneous wedgies. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker is in the batting cage practicing and increasing his lightsaber prowess. He gets shot by floating orb lasers and falls to the floor pathetically.

Leia shows up to task him with a mission. A mission that only he will be able to carry out! The Death Star thing and then the weapons factory thing, that stuff was great! Good, good stuff! Why, Leia’s never seen such masculinity and ruggedness! Luke will be a Jedi in no time!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Oh yeah? Then what’s with all these certificates from Jedi College and Jedi merit badges with your name on them?

Leia tells Luke he’s special. He’s a special boy. Luke doesn’t want to hear it. He can’t even tie his own space shoes, let alone stand up to the greatest former Jedi ever known. “Darth Vader swatted me away like an insect.”

This is the part where Leia frowns with her puppy dog eyes while Luke yells “JUST LET ME GO” like a whiny little insect worthy of nothing more than getting swatted. So he walks away.

In Mos Eisley, which I believe is some kind of shitty Tatooine urban environment, a few alien-types are talking to a vaguely alien bounty hunter-type about finding man. Not just any man, because men are a dime a dozen. A very specific man. And there’s a reward? Why, say no more! The alien-types will take it! Not the job, of course, but they’ll just take the reward.

Well, the vaguely alien bounty hunter-type ain’t taking too kindly to some ruffians who think they’re about to put the old hoodwink swindle on him, so he presses a button under his desk and shoots them all through the knees with a blast of gunfire. Now we’re in business; this guy is serious as a heart attack. “I’m looking for the biggest one of them all. A smuggler. By the name of Solo.”

After some more threats and nipple-twisting, the Rodians (as they are named) give up the goods! He’s not on Tatooine, he flew the coop. Does that help?

I guess it does! This bounty hunter guy moves on with barely any new information.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Not without payment in the form of kisses.

What else is going on? Darth Vader takes Jabba the Hutt on that “watching something die” offer. They’re flying a ship a few dozen feet above the ground shooting at woolly mammoths? Banthas. And here I am merely passing the time reading comic books like an idiot. Vader and Jabba go back and forth with their own brands of intimidating conversational eccentricities. Vader is like “we’re not friends just because you’re doing more than anyone else to help the Empire” and Jabba is like “yes we are”. Jabba provided some bounty hunters. The best in the business! You’re welcome.

Jabba the Hutt knows of Luke Skywalker, since he is now notorious around the Core Planets and the Outer Rim and the Inner Rim and the Middle Rim and the Upper Rim and the Lower Rim and Milton, Delaware as the wee little baby who blew up the Death Star. “And if it’s true that old Ben Kenobi was involved,” Jabba squelches, “perhaps [he’s] a boy who fancies himself a Jedi as well.”

This piques Vader’s interest considering old Ben Kenobi left him for dead near some lava that one time. Jabba’s got many, many stories about old Ben Kenobi! That guy is like a bad rash, man. “It’s still hard to believe that this boy of yours, this mighty warrior who destroyed the undestroyable Death Star, could have possibly come from these same empty dunes.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Not even Jimmy Smits? Oh wait, he’s from Brooklyn.

Han and Leia have accepted the fact that Luke is a whimpering little pissant and are letting him do his thing, sort of. Leia says it’s a bad idea to leave. Han says it’s cuckoo fucking bananas. “Kid, the entire Empire is out there searching the galaxy for the pilot who blew up the Death Star. What do you think’ll happen if they catch you?”

Luke is pretty confident that no one knows who he is, apparently, for some unfounded reason. He’s going back to Tatooine with R2-D2 to do some real soul-searching (jerking off).

Speaking of Tatooine, the roughed-up Rodians have been approached by yet another bounty hunter-type. “I’m looking for someone,” he says, much to the exasperation of the Rodians who don’t need more blasts right through the kneecaps. “Like we told the other bounty hunter, we don’t know where Solo’s run off to.”

It’s not Han Solo he’s after, oh no no no. Benjamin Franklin Kenobi. Dead as a doornail Kenobi. Why is this guy looking for him? Hard to say. Perhaps he wants to fornicate with the corpse?

At any rate, it’s Boba Fett.

Final Thoughts

Jabba the Slutt. That’s my only final thought.


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The Gunslinger by Stephen King

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Dark Tower series

The Gunslinger

Welcome, once again, to the Book Bonfire! I am your Bonfire host, Tim Wright’s About Things, and today we will discuss the first book of Stephen King’s Dark Tower fantasy series The Gunslinger! I hope you’re ready to sling some guns with the best of ’em, because let me tell you, nobody slings guns quite like <MAIN CHARACTER>. Ol’ What’s-His-Name! Mr. Guns!

The story follows Roland the Gunslinger as he slings his guns across the desert of Gilead, presumably. Not the Handmaid’s Tale Gilead, but close enough. It’s still seems to be a horrible dystopia. Or maybe Roland is originally from Gilead and he’s no longer there? It’s hard to tell. The reader pretty much gets thrown into the world that King created, and it’s hard to trust that he had anything fully fleshed out yet. Or maybe he was too coked up to remember what he was writing about!

The book is broken up into several parts since the story was originally published in the Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction over the course of three years. The resultant package is somewhat disjointed. We begin with Roland hunting down the “Man in Black” — Satan, basically — and then find this titular Dark Tower. What he intends to do when he gets to the Dark Tower is unclear at this juncture. It sounds like he sure doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do there either. Perhaps he was tasked with this quest by mysterious pixie elf leprechauns that will kill him if he doesn’t cooperate. From personal experience, I know you can’t kill a leprechaun with a gun.

The narrative is hazy, and, as mentioned, the worldbuilding is abstruse. Several references to “Hey Jude” by the Beatles is mentioned, for example, indicating that the story takes place in our reality. But when Roland meets a kid named Jake, his backstory of getting killed by car in Manhattan implies that perhaps the world is some sort of afterlife. Certainly, Jake doesn’t remember much about his life before getting creamed by a car in the middle of an intersection, but he’ll sometimes drop references and idioms from modern America that Roland doesn’t understand. It’s strange, but compelling enough all the same.

“There ain’t a gun I can’t sling.”
– Roland

Roland meets a man named Brown along his travels, and once Roland trusts that Brown isn’t going to kill him, he opens up about his encounter with the locals in a town called Tull. There was a man named Nort whom the Man in Black brought back to life zombie-style using various black magicks! All this residual magic eventually turns the whole town against him through the mouthpiece of a preacher, who convinces everyone that the Man in Black is an angel of God and Roland is the antichrist. As if they were puppets getting their strings pulled around, they begin to advance on Roland. Roland has no choice but to kill them all, which would be gruesome and emotional if I gave much of a shit.

As Roland plods along with his companion, Jake, he speaks of his past. All these flashbacks are the most interesting parts of the novel, wherein Roland spent his gunslingin’ training at a boarding school. There are stories of a cook named Hex who was hanged for conspiring to murder the children, and how he earned his guns by besting his trainer in a battle. All the stuff around this, such as Roland and Jake meandering around the desert speaking to Oracles and traversing bridges and avoiding “slow mutants”, that stuff is the chaff!

I like the ending, though. Roland does confront the Man in Black (Walter O’Dim, as he is called), which I didn’t expect at all. I thought he was going to be spending eight books walking around the middle of nowhere looking for him without much else going on! The egg is surely on my face today, friends. Roland and Walter have a rather friendly chat indeed! They talk about movies, their favorite sex positions, and Walter pulls out a deck of tarot cards to read Roland his future. Some pivotal stuff happens here that obviously sets up the future parts of the story, but it’s mostly items such as “go here next to meet this guy” and “go here after to meet this woman”. Roland is advised to quit his mission to find the Dark Tower, but Roland is stubborn and doesn’t wanna. That’s why there are 15,000 more pages of this spread across 86 more books! Look it up if you don’t believe me.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Is the Man in Black truly evil or is he simply a pawn that had to take part in Roland’s destiny, like Jake or Alice?
For context on this question, Jake sacrificed himself to further Roland’s journey, and Roland had to kill Alice in Tull after he fucked her for a few nights so that he didn’t get dead so that he could further his own journey. That being said, this IS the question, isn’t it? Yes, yes.

“Show me a gun and I’ll sling that gun. I’m serious.”
– Roland

Destiny is a shitty reason to do anything, in my opinion. There is no such as destiny, man. Destiny is flimsy excuse to act like an asshole and kill people in pursuit of what you think you need to do! Therefore, there’s ambiguity to the good guy/bad guy dichotomy. Is Roland actually good? Is the Man in Black actually evil? These ARE The questions, aren’t they? Yes, yes.

Nothing is ever black and white. Except the Man in Black. And is black evil? Hard to say. He brought a guy back to life in Tull, that was awfully kind of him! But, then again, he’s kind of a jerk!

Next question, please.

If you were Roland, would you have followed the Man in Black to get answers about the Tower and, in doing so, sacrificed Jake’s life? Would you have stayed and saved Jake from death? Explain your decision.
Are you kidding? I barely have motivation enough to get up for work in the morning, let alone be arsed to give two shits about something called the Tower that I know absolutely nothing about. This Roland cat spends, presumably, years tracking down this guy and for no other reason I can fathom than that there’s just nothing else to do. The blighted wastelands are, by all accounts, miserable. There’s barely anyone to talk to, and when you actually do come across somebody you get all worried that they’ll murder you for your pelts or your teeth or your wizard gold. There are no outlets to speak of where you can plug in your Nintendo Switch, and fancy aristocratic balls? Fuhgeddaboudit!

So, to answer this questions simply and pointedly: no. I would not have followed the Man in Black to get answers about the Tower, rendering the follow-up questions moot. It sounds like an awful lot of walking in pursuit of knowledge that doesn’t matter much to me at all! I would have stayed home and continued writing in my blog.

Next question, please.

What kind of a man is Cort? Discuss Roland’s ambivalent feelings about his boyhood teacher.
Aha, Cort. Cort was the man who trained all the young gunslingers at Gunslinger College. I pictured him looking like an old Stacy Keach, which had better not be far off from Stephen King’s vision EVEN THOUGH Stacy Keach wasn’t old yet in 1982!

“…that’s a pretty big gun there. I can’t sling that one, motherfucker.”
– Roland

Cort, you see. Cort was an enigma. He was a man of many sides, of many facets. A complex man, that Cort. For example, he was mean and also he was a jerk. His character is limited to those two dispositions.

“DISCUSS ROLAND’S AMBIVALENT FEELINGS ABOUT HIS BOYHOOD TEACHER”? What are you, my boss? I’ll do no such thing, and instead talk about Roland’s ambivalent feelings toward cheating during his challenge against Cort! Break out your well-hated copies of The Gunslinger, friends, and turn to page whatever. Here, during the battle, Roland’s weapon of choice is a bird. A BIRD! He decides it to be a fair fight to sic his pet hawk at Cort’s eyeball, sending him into a coma. And he wins? This is considered a victory, this act of loopholing cowardice. If I were Cort’s direct supervisor, I’d be booting Roland out of school forthwith.

Apparently, Cort didn’t agree. He considered this tactic of slinging birds instead of slinging guns suitable and allowed Roland get his gunslinging diploma. I think it’s bullshit. Try navigating through a real gunslinging job after half-assing your way through college. We’ll see who has the last laugh.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Man, I sure hope that this is all going to be worth it. The Gunslinger is by far the shortest novel in the Dark Tower series and I found it to be a real grind. It’s not lost on me that this was a cobbling of five separate short stories, so King had to weave something coherent here and call it good. The following books shouldn’t suffer from the same problem.

But, pffft, I’m not particularly clamoring for more Dark Tower right now. The main question on my mind is a big, fat “WHO CARES”, which doesn’t bode well! I’ll come upon the next book eventually, but by then I’ll be too busy setting traps in the woods to catch my dinner after the polar ice caps have melted.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 8: “The Dragon Reborn”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Ah yes. This right here, this is the good shit. Rand is a dead man walkin’! He is led to Siuan, the Amyrlin Seat, and he takes note of how smooth the cheeks are of every Aes Sedai that he decides to look at. He’s quite nervous, filling his pants with more and more poop with every step he takes. Every bond he breaks. Every breath he takes. He’ll be watching you.

Rand approaches the Big Mean Siuan and she starts talking to Moiraine and Verin (the cold, soulless Brown Ajah). Moiraine discusses Tam al’Thor and drops some info that Rand has never known before. Tam was in the army. He was in opposition of the Whitecloak War. He rose to the rank of Captain of the *checks notes* of the Companions? They must be like the Union to the Whitecloaks’ Confederacy! Tam boned a woman from the Aiel Wastes and returned to Two Rivers with a shitty baby son. His name was Rand, and he sucks.

Rand is like “brrrt!” at this information. Then Siuan is told to take the heron-hilt sword for examination, which Rand is like “brrrt!” about. Then Rand is told that Mat and Perrin are joining Ingtar to find the Horn of Valere and he should go with them, please. Also, Siuan knows that Rand can channel the One Power! “Brrrt!”

They’re not going to gentle the lad, though. He’s the Dragon Reborn! They straight up tell him this all matter-of-factly. Like, “yeah, didn’t you know?” Rand doesn’t believe it, and he continually challenges it. Siuan remains stoic and tries not to roll her eyes. The ones above her smooth cheeks.

Rand insists that the Dark One is dead and there should be no more efforts to thwart the beast! After more stern talking-tos, Rand takes his leave. Siuan, Moiraine, and Verin are all worried about how strong Rand is. He’s a strong boy. Wheaties and whole milk every day.

This is a long chapter! We cut to Nynaeve, the undisputed best character of the book, who tries to follow Rand after he storms off in a huff from Siuan’s chambers. She instead runs into Lan, who we all know she has the hots for. Lan gifts her with a ring that, supposedly, allows her to contact him whenever she needs him. He’s kind of mean about it, too. Nynaeve then bumps into Moiraine, who tells her that it’s time to start heading toward Tar Valon whether she likes it or not! Then Nyneave bumps into Egwene and tells her to stop calling her a Wisdom. There’s nothing Wisdomy about their current situation!

We end with Egwene and Rand having an awkward conversation about both of them going their separate ways and how they’ll never see each other again, maybe. Possibly. Egwene promises to find him and help him when she becomes the strongest Aes Sedai that the World of Time has ever known! Rand is like “yeah right. Bye.”

These people are all a bunch of sad-sacks. We need a gleeman on the premises, stat.


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Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Rules of Engagement storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Batman stops the O.G.R.E. robot, and by that I mean he fails to stop the O.G.R.E. robot and the robot stops itself once Lex Luthor escapes through the smelly sewers. Batman correctly deduces that the robot is after Luthor.

The O.G.R.E. system is controlled by a dude in a tub. The dude died while he was in the tub. Bruce does his own Batcave autopsy and discovers within seven seconds a pacemaker lodged in the dude’s heart, designed to kill. The device belongs to LexCorp.

After another encounter with O.G.R.E., Batman removes its memory cortex, rendering it incapacitated (?). Batman intends to now go pay Lex Luthor a visit and shower him with smooches.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [April, 2007]
Written by: Andy Diggle
“Rules of Engagement (Part 3)”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3

“The military-spec electronic system rivals anything at NORAD, and it cuts through LexCorp’s security system like a knife through smoke.”

“Knife through smoke” isn’t a real thing, Andy Diggle. Cutting through smoke doesn’t actually separate the smoke, you dunce. Anyway, Batman does some fancy technological voodoo and gets into the LexCorp building’s elevator shaft. “The central data vault won’t be so easy to penetrate. Isolated inside a bomb-proof titanium cell at the heart of the LexCorp building.” How does he have intimate knowledge of Lex Luthor’s building? Did I miss the first five storylines of Batman Shenanigans where Bruce Wayne pretends to be a UPS delivery man for nine weeks in a row for LexCorp reconnaissance purposes?

Batman is able to uses his telekinetic whispering powers in order to make the elevator camera focus on a keypad where a security guard is punching in a 27-number code. “I memorize it and move on.” Sure you do, Rain Man.

“The data vault perimeter guard repeats a figure-eight patrol sweep. I have thirty-two seconds before he’s back in visual range.” I want to throw a pie right at Batman’s face.

Batman sprays a cannister of poison on a palm-print lock, which the vault guard uses and then immediately gets knocked out cold. Then he struts into the room and accesses a control panel that conveniently contains all of Lex Luthor’s files on everyone and everything, including Area 51, Chinese spy briefings, and your mother. He finds the file on Dr. Underhay, the guy who died in a stinkin’ tub.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Dr. Eugene Underhay at your service, ladies. Pay no regard to my badge, I stole it from Ed Asner.

Luthor’s files indicate that he had been blackmailing Underhay into snooping on WayneTech, and then he was killed when he outlived his usefulness.

Luthor’s files also have nothing much on Bruce Wayne other than he pees his pants. Nothing about putting on tights and bouncing around the streets.

The computer also has a DNA sample of Senator Crabtree, Chairman of the Defense Procurement Review Board and the oily, grumpy man who will decide which company gets the contract.

Batman accesses Microsoft OneDrive and uploads the entire contents of the computer to his own Batcave servers. “There’s more to this than simple industrial espionage – but I don’t have all the pieces. Not yet.”

That’s enough fun for one day. Time to go home and play some Paper Mario! Meanwhile, Lex Luthor is in his private jet having a one-on-one Zoom call with Senator Crabby. He certainly has lost his confidence in WayneTech’s ability to provide defense systems that kill people instead of defending them, so he will postpone his decision until a full investigation into the failure of the WayneTech system is underway. Until then, there’s key lime pie on the windowsill.

Lex’s giddiness in his pants has dwindled. “You suspect foul play?” he asks the gruff, bushy-mustachioed senator. Mayhaps! But Lex doesn’t want to delay the decision, and he urges Senator Crabgrass to reconsider this investigation. He gets all furrow-browed and glare-y about it too, aiming to kind-of-but-not-really intimidate the man.

“Do your worst, Luthor. I’m not afraid of you. You may have bribed and blackmailed the rest of the board into your back pocket, but as long as I remain chairman, I will follow the dictates of my own good conscience. Now good day to you, sir.”

Senator Crab-ass is going to hang from his butthole on a hook in about two days.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3

And make it snappy. I have to buy another gallon of mascara.

Luthor has planned for this inevitability. Before he gets into details, his assistant is the bearer of bad news: some dickhead in a bat suit broke into the LexCorp building. This makes Lex’s fat bald head hurt, and he calls for more security. This won’t help, of course, since Batman memorized a few more 789-digit codes and has spruced up his security-busting devices with radiographic sensor-disrupting nanobots.

Luthor demands that his weapons defense system prototype be deployed, Crabtree be damned! Hook in the ass for this guy. As for Batman, a very frank and stern candlelit dinner is in order.

At Crabtree’s house, Captain Jimbo Gordon arrives in the middle of a granddaughter’s birthday celebration. Crabtree puts on his best frowny Ron Swanson face and demands that the police get the fucking fuck off the premises before he calls the police!

Nope! Here’s the ball-buster: “Senator Harold Crabtree,” Gordon looks on sheepishly, “I am arresting you for conspiracy to murder.”

Buh-what?! Conspiracy to what now?? A what to murder?? This is poppycock of the highest order! Now listen here, youngin’, this is Senator Harold Crabtree, Chairman of the Six Flags Roller Coaster Research and Development Cooperative, and–

The police hoist this fat sack of shit out of his house where the press is already gathering around like vultures. Questions abound! A conspiracy to murder, sir? Do you have any comments on your conspiracy to murder? How deep does this conspiracy go? Do you have any other conspiracies? How did you pull off such a conspiracy? How does this conspiracy to murder rank among some other conspiracies to murder we’ve heard about in the news lately? And so forth.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Not at all, Senator. I think you paid that bat to sit in the back of the room and stroke his dick while you paid someone else to murder someone.

“Valentina Vergara. Low-rent hooker. Beaten to death in her apartment while the baby slept in the next room. Your baby,” Gordon explains. Aha, back to the beginning of Issue #1 I see. Crabtree has no idea what in tarnation this rookie captain is flapping his meaty gums about! He insists that he’s never even heard of this woman, but Gordon’s all like “save it for the judge” and “tell it to the judge”. They ran some DNA tests and the baby is yours, sir. Ain’t no way that Lex Luthor was involved in this setup.

Speaking of Lex Luthor and his many setups, Bruce Wayne’s buddy Lucius announces to the staff that the board has decided on LexCorp. Pack it all up, ladies and gentlemen! WayneTech is going to start selling hot dogs until Luthor starts getting competitive there too. Bruce Wayne tells the staff to cheer up, there’s always next time and whatnot.

“Senator Crabtree resigns to fight this murder rap, and the next thing you know, the board awards the contract to LexCorp,” Lucius sneers. “This whole thing stinks to high heaven…”

Bruce tells Lucius to cheer up! It wasn’t all a waste! Bruce Wayne’s got some big plans for the weapons defense jet! First, he’s going to fly into the LexCorp building, and then–

Later that night, Batman flies the thing around town doing barrel rolls and loopity loops. Gordon’s flashing the Batsignal, but Batman’s having too much fun cavorting around the sky to clear his name about the murder conspiracy. Gordon’s just about to kill the lights when Batman presents himself dramatically, scaring the mustache right off of his face.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Hey, you’re not Mother!

“You’re late.”

“I’ve been here for two hours, waiting for your snipers to stand down. I have better things to do with my time… but I didn’t want to have to hurt them.”

Yeah yeah, tough guy. Go take your tough guy act to jail where you belong. “You’re public enemy number one since this Crabtree business,” Gordon frowns. That, plus there’s a mysterious plane flying around like it owns the sky. “Don’t suppose you’d know anything about that…?”

Batman knows that Lex Luthor set Crabtree up, and he’s not at all shy to say so! Like this: “Luthor set him up.”

Gordon isn’t buying it. DNA tests, man. Infallible.

“She wanted out the street life,” Batman says, omnisciently. Like a fucking know-it-all. “And she wanted a child. But she couldn’t. Luthor cut her a deal. Had her artificially inseminated using Crabtree’s DNA. Stolen. Cloned. Simple. All it would take is a single hair follicle from the senator’s comb.”

What a bunch of crap. Spouting off plot-forwarding jibber-jabber. I’m livid.

Batman hands him a CD-R. It has all the evidence in the world. Don’t lose it. He also burned some cool music on it. Have you ever heard “Mambo No. 5”, Captain? That Lou Bega is something else.

Gordon calls the evidence inadmissible. Batman asks if Gordon really thinks he was paid to kill a whore. Gordon is like ‘fraid so. “You were spotted fleeing the scene. I have a job to do.”

But but but but but! He was trying to stop the real killer! Honest to God and the Devil! He… well, the real perpetrator was vaporized into thin air so there’s no evidence of his existence! But you gotta believe him! He swears on a stack of Lean Cuisines! “Luthor covering his tracks. He’s been planning this for years. Laying the groundwork.”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Batman in the boss’ office trying desperately to keep his job.

Gordon is tired of hearing all of this, especially the part where Batman insists that he starts going after Luthor.

“Luthor’s one of the most powerful businessmen in America,” Gordon whines. “He’s bulletproof.”

“Not to me.”

Luthor, meanwhile, is in his red lab that doubles as a photo development room, apparently. He’s trying to track down the Bat and his hideout, but no such luck. He always disappears into a flock of bats, the little scoundrel. Is that a real thing? He hides among a cloud of bats until the coast is clear? Why is this the first I’m hearing of it?

Don’t worry, Lex Luthor has just the thing to really run this story off the rails: a mechanical bat that can find Bat-like men in a swarm of bats!

Seriously.

Final Thoughts

What is this horseshit? Tracking down a guy by using a bat robot, as if the bat guy is a real bat and not just some rich nerd in spandex? Is this Lex Luthor guy dumb?

This is shaping up to be some really bad storytelling. I’m not impressed! I’m the guy to impress, here. You hear that, Andy Diggle? ME!


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