Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #8 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Night of the Monster Men storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #8 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 4)!” In the previous installment of the Night of the Monster Men storyline, Batman, Batwoman, Nightwing, Spoiler, Orphan, Clayface, Gotham Girl, Duke, and Alfred all flail trying to stop a threat that they are in no way capable of stopping. “Give up” isn’t in their lexicon, of course, so they keep throwing rope and nets at monsters the size of Godzilla. Seriously, there was a panel where Batman had a rope tied to a monster’s foot with his motorcycle and he was peeling out going “I CAN’T HOLD IT MUCH LONGER” as if he wasn’t an ant near the monster’s foot accomplishing absolutely nothing.

It’s really stupid and I’m really stupid for reading it. And you’re extra stupid for reading this! Ha!

Oh yeah, and Nightwing and Gotham Girl got some monster guts on them and now they’re monsters, too. That really puts a wrench on the ol’ nutsack, don’t it?

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #8 [December, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tom King
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 4)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #8

We’re still in the Burnley District of Gotham City. Why it matters what district, I’m not sure, unless there is going to some great reveal later that the Burnley District contains the cookie factory that will entice the monsters and thwart their destruction?

Duke is in the Batcave whining some more about wanting to be where the action is, but Batman tells him to stay the fuck put. Duke tells Batman that this is getting out of hand, which makes Batman go “Whattaya mean??”

Batwoman shows up to the scene and tells Duke to stay fucking put. The two of them can handle this building-sized monstrosity, indubitably.

Meanwhile, Olsen Park is on fire while Spoiler and Orphan plant flares to sweat out the red goo covering the population.

Nightwing and Gotham Girl are not responsive on their comms, likely because they’ve become horrible drooling monsters and ain’t nobody wants to deal with that shit. Duke is picking up strange readings from Nightwing’s biometry, and because why? Duke put a homing tracker on him or something? The massive bioelectric surges he’s seeing from Nightwing match the types of surges he sees in Hugo Strange’s monsters. And what may be causing these surges? Venom. Oh snippity snap!

Batman didn’t hear the last 500 words of Duke’s broadcast because the nineteen-headed monster has just thrown him 5,000 miles up into the air. Batwoman somehow launches her motorcycle up to save him, much to Batman’s grumbling. “I had a plan,” he scolds like a petulant asshole. He didn’t ask to be saved even though he obviously was going to die. Batman’s kind of a dummy.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #8

Here, “…” can be translated to “GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN!” What a filthy, rotten misogynist!

Batman and Batwoman are suddenly confronted by the unrecognizable figures of Monster Gotham Girl and Monster Nightwing. Batman recognizes them somehow, though, of course, certainly. He tells Batwoman to distract the big beast, he’ll handle these little beasts. Batwoman wants to switch. Batman doesn’t argue this time even though a WOMAN had the AUDACITY to DEFY him.

Duke Thomas is still whining about being trapped in the cave. “Batwoman can’t fight Nightwing and Gotham Girl forever, Batman. Not when they’re monsters.” To this, Batman tells Duke to GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN! Also, she’ll fight as long as it takes and shut up.

Then Batman electrocutes the monster with his motorcycle. Don’t ask.

The citizens at Olsen Park have been completely taken over by the red goop. They look like angry zombies with red, glowing eyeballs now. Spoiler keeps lighting flares, but it’s not working very well at all. She almost gets swarmed by the population until Orphan helps her up onto a ledge. Whew! Thanks for such a permanent solution to the current problem!

Batman hurries over to help Batwoman after neutralizing his own foe. Duke is strapping on the ol’ Robin costume even though, for the 800th time, Batman tells him to stay in the fucking cave and do his homework. “Right now, that is not your call to make,” Duke says, based on absolutely nothing.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #8

Missed their chance big time by avoiding “Flying Dick”.

Will the action never stop?! Batman arrives on the scene, quietly turns to Gotham Girl, and says “I’m sorry this happened to you.” Well, you can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister! Batman will fix this the only way he knows how: by letting Clayface reintegrate into one entity and then form around Batman as armor! “Never done this before, Batman,” Clayface says nervously. “Sure it’ll work?”

Batman punches Gotham Girl so hard that my laptop just vibrated. “Only one way to know,” he says beefily. Gotham Girl growls and swipes at Batman, but he’s able to stop her with a Clayfaced arm. In a mighty movement, Batman flips Gotham Girl onto her back. She gets up and claps her hands so hard that my laptop just exploded. Also, Clayface disintegrates off of Batman and apologizes that he couldn’t hold himself together.

Gotham Girl is about to rip Batman up to little bits of confetti when DUKE THOMAS *trumpet fart* shows up. “Step away from Batman,” he squeaks.

“I SAID TO STAY IN THE CAVE,” Batman growls on the ground, an inch away from being killed to death. Duke pulls out a fucking gun and says it’s the Monster Cure that he and Alfred developed within 45 minutes in the Batcave. He begs Gotham Girl not to kill him before he administers the drug.

Spoiler and Orphan watch the mob from their ledge. They have all their flares set up! After a panel of voodoo magic, the flares send off a brilliant flash of 130-degree light and burn off all the menacing, thought-controlling red algae goop off the people. Immediately, they are all like “what happened” and “oh my god” and “I’m really nice now”.

Then all that blackened algae flows out of the cave and forms itself into a 40-foot tall, spindly monster! Will the inane torment never cease?!

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #8

NYRAF!

Gotham Girl is about to pound Duke into paste when Batman jumps in with a flying kick. “Get down. Now,” he says as Gotham Girl smacks him in the face effortlessly, rendering him unconscious or dead or something. Duke takes this opportunity to inject Gotham Girl’s leg with Miracle Cure. Gotham Girl notices this breach of personal space and gets ready to rip Duke’s little melon off his shoulders. Then she gasps and shivers and says things like “HHHNRRRR!” before transmogrifying back into the normal, shaved-headed Gotham Girl that we barely know and definitely do not love.

“Duke? All I remember is that monster exploding… then just… animal thoughts. Did I hurt anyone?” Only Batman! Look at him bleeding all over the wet ground! LMAO!

Batwoman is still trying to fight Nightwing, who is still holding his own. She gets thrown around like a wet towel. “Batwoman to all points,” she says as she falls 400 stories. “I’m wounded. In free fall. Everyone listening? Time to buck up. Here’s the plan…”

Then the issue ends. I don’t feel particularly cliff-hung. I, in fact, would rather see all these heroes murdered by monsters! Is that the right feeling?

Final Thoughts

Yes!


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The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

Tagline:
Where the game ends, the movie begins.

Wide Release Date:
April 5, 2023

Directed by:
Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic
Written by:
Matthew Fogel
Produced by:
Chris Meledandri, Shigeru Miyamoto

Starring:
Chris Pratt
Anya Taylor-Joy
Charlie Day
Jack Black
Keegan-Michael Key
Seth Rogen
Fred Armisen

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

PREGAME THOUGHTS

It took 38 years to make a Super Mario movie? Oh wait, no it didn’t. They made one in 1993 with Bob Hoskins and John fuckin’ Leguizamo. Ridiculous, it was! But this one is animated and clearly intended to be fun for kids and nostalgic for people my age.

I watched this movie in the theater with my older daughter back in 2023 and it was a little bit better than I expected. Once it hit Netflix, we got to watch it as a FAMILY. And let me tell you, there was much merriment that day. I don’t think this is a great movie, but it did the job.

THE 550(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Mario is voiced by Chris Pratt, which was a weird decision. Luigi is voiced by Charlie Day, which I can get behind. They live in Brooklyn and have recently opened their own plumbing business. They’re not very good at it. Neither plumbing nor marketing. They’ve already become a huge disappointment to their family! Well, the brothers will show them! There’s a huge water main break on the news, so they arrive as the first responders to fix it. Too bad they find one of those warp pipes, sending Mario straight to the Mushroom Kingdom. He gets separated from Luigi, who ends up in the Dark Lands ruled by Bowser (Jack Black).

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

All I need is a moon and my bedroom nightlight is complete!

In true Bowser fashion, he wants to bone Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy) so hard and is planning another marriage-related scheme. If she refuses marriage, then he’s got a Super Star he can use to destroy the Mushroom Kingdom! BWAH HA HA HA HAAA!! Good thing this Luigi guy showed up as leverage. Bowser can hold him hostage, thinking that Mario is competition. This plan cannot fail. I don’t foresee it happening at all.

When Mario lands in the Mushroom Kingdom, he is greeted by Toad (Keegan-Michael Key), who leads him to the castle to meet Princess Peach. To prove his worth, Peach allows Mario to train on her obstacle course. She kicks ass at it. Mario dies about 300 times, but he eventually gets the hang of it. Good enough. Let’s roll.

Peach plans to get help from the monkeys in the Jungle Kingdom, but first King Cranky Kong (Fred Armisen) requires FEATS OF STRENGTH. Mario must fight his son Donkey Kong (Seth Rogen) before he’ll agree to help. Contrived, I know, but we have fun here in the Super Mario Bros. movie. Mario defeats Donkey Kong, and now the Kongs are all on board.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

It’s a BARREL of FUN! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

En route back to the Mushroom Kingdom using Mario Karts, the convoy gets ambushed by Bowser and his various minions. During the Rainbow Road scuffle, part of the road gets destroyed and Mario and Donkey Kong fall from the sky into the ocean. Meanwhile, Peach and Toad return to the Mushroom Kingdom to warn everyone of the impending DOOM and then Bowser shows up to propose to Peach. She accepts, albeit only to save the rest of her kingdom from the Diabolical Wrath. Mario and Donkey Kong eventually escape the ocean and its litany of man-eating moray eels and head to Mushroom Kingdom to save the Princess and also etc.

Let the wedding commence! Bowser, in Peach’s honor, will execute all of his many prisoners (including the Green Guy). Toad freezes Bowser with an Ice Flower. Mario and Donkey Kong show up just in time to free all the prisoners. Bowser busts out of his icy prison and sics one of them giant Bullet Bills onto the Mushroom Kingdom in order to destroy it. Mario sends it off-course and through a warp pipe. It detonates, sucking up the entirety of Bowser’s Castle into Brooklyn. More fighting ensues until Mario and Luigi grab the abandoned Super Star and start kicking ass. They defeat Bowser and all the Koopas. Mario and Luigi are hailed as heroes in Brooklyn and in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everyone lives happily ever after. They all get the power up and win the game.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Ayyyyyyy!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Nostalgia reigned supreme. Most of my enjoyment of The Super Mario Bros. Movie came from nothing other than that this was a movie about Super Mario. It’s a franchise that’s as old to me as my earliest memories and I cherish it highly still to this very day. Did you play Super Mario Bros. Wonder for the Nintendo Switch? What a fantastic fucking game. It actually broke the boundaries of the franchise and took some minor risks. I wish I could say the same about this.

As a movie, this is pretty meh. For people like my kids, it’s a mindless, really fun cartoon. For people like me, it’s a non-stop trip down memory lane. If you get to the actual meat of the story, plot, direction, voice acting, and heart, it’s pretty damn mediocre. The plot is just as loose as those of the non-RPG Mario video games with a twist: Luigi is the damsel in distress here. It’s all about Mario getting from Point A to Point B to Point C while getting help from Character A and Character B through Humorous Situation A to Overdramatic Situation B in order to save Luigi. By all that I mean, this cobbles together all the components of a story without actually doing anything with it. Let’s show Brooklyn, then the Mushroom Kingdom, then Bowser’s Castle, then the Jungle Kingdom, then Rainbow Road, then back to Brooklyn. Wrap everything up with a nice bow. They played it safe, didn’t show us anything new or different, and reaped $1.36 billion at the box office.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Oh no! Look out! It’s a thought outside the box!

I shouldn’t be complaining too hard about this fanservice, because playing it safe was the safe option! That’s why it was safe! We never got a proper animated Mario movie ever in our lives, fuck if I know why, and we were all overdue. Why not make it boilerplate, right? This is clearly not going to be the end of the movie franchise, you can bet they’ll pull Chris Pratt’s tired ass in for at least a sequel.

On that note, and to reiterate, I like Mario. I watched this movie twice with my kids and I completely was fine with it both times. Even my mom would have liked it, and she doesn’t have an ounce of nostalgia juice in her brain for Super Mario. Next time, though, make Mario an accidental accessory to murder. Is that so much to ask?

TOPIC 2 — My Top 5 Favorite Mario Games

#5 – Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga
I have warm and fuzzy feelings for this game. It was one of my first for the GameBoy Advance and it’s surprisingly charming. I’m playing the remake for the Nintendo 3DS now and having a ball! Yeah, buddy!

#4 – Paper Mario
I got an N64 on Christmas 2001 (I wanted it more than I wanted a GameCube) and Paper Mario was my first rental from Blockbuster. I had only five days to play and, and you better believe I played the absolute fucking shit out of that game and beat it before I had to take it back. My first Mario RPG, and the memories will last a lifetime! Or something to that effect.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

#3.5 – Luigi’s Plunger Adventures

#3 – Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
Improves upon Paper Mario in almost every way besides the exceptionally shitty backtracking in Twilight Town. But hey, I’m going to play it again for the Switch soon so I’m all smiles. See? *smile*

#2 – Super Mario World
If Super Mario World isn’t on your own list, then you can go fuck yourself.

#1 – Super Mario Bros. 3
I don’t think I have nostalgia for anything else on the planet quite like I have nostalgia for Super Mario Bros. 3. I remember when our NES was basically a paperweight by 1996, I spent a lot of time writing a novelization of the video game. The game is pretty much one of my favorite things ever. I like it better than lasagna, and I love lasangna.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The music played during Mario and Luigi’s plumbing commercial is actually the theme music of the kid show The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! (1989), starring Lou Albano as Mario and Danny Wells as Luigi.
AND WHY DIDN’T THESE TWO REPRISE THEIR ROLES??? Oh wait, they both have been dead for over 10 years. A shitty excuse, but I guess I’ll take it.

Designs for Mario and Luigi’s parents and relatives were based on sketches made by Nintendo that went unused in games.
So, different versions of Mario. Got it.

Marks the first time in non-video game media where Princess Peach is referred to as such outside of Japan, and the second time in non-video game media she was referred to as any name other than “Princess Toadstool.”
This is actually pretty interesting, and furthermore, I — sorry, I blacked out for a second there. I think I meant to say “who cares?”

Jack Black used Darth Vader as inspiration for his Bowser voice.
Oh really, because it just sounded like Jack Black’s overdramatic Tenacious D singing voice to me. Next!

Anya Taylor-Joy has admitted to playing some of the Super Mario games as research for voicing Princess Peach.
Whoa whoa whoa, ma’am. Don’t admit it too loudly or the jocks will kick your ass after school.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

They’re called “vidya games”, Anya, and they’re “awesome”.

Seth Rogen does his trademark laugh almost deliberately after Mario shrinks himself with a Mini Mushroom during his fight with Donkey Kong.
lol “Seth Rogen’s trademark laugh”. I’ve found my new band name.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes! Super Mario! Weeee!


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Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Most Wanted? (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Most Wanted? storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5- “Most Wanted (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Gwen has a little heart-to-heart with herself and tries to get over feeling guilty about Peter Parker’s death, about her dad, about Spider-Woman in general. She even talked to Aunt May about all this. It was sappy and insufferable. But, eventually, Gwen grabs a pair of drumsticks and joins the Mary Janes for their next show.

This series is a big warm bowl of nothing. I’m looking forward to it being over! Life is too short for mediocre comics, but first, let me write another 1,500 words about it.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [August, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Matt Murdock’s tough-looking 5’2” bald assistant hands him an envelope. By the way, that thief? The security cameras didn’t catch anything. There is no evidence of his/her identity.

But Murdock knows who it was. Oh ho ho, who would mock the Kingpin so? The Black Cat, that’s who. Felicia Hardy. Meow.

The envelope contains VIP floor tickets to her show: Felicia Hardy and the Black Cats. Meanwhile, the Mary Janes see Hardy’s band advertised on the venue’s marquee. “What the hell does Felicia Play? Air guitar?” Glory gripes. MJ tells her not to take this personally. It’s not like she did it to directly compete the Mary Janes or anything like that. *wink*

“That ‘innocent’ little pop tart used to act like sharing a stage with us was visiting a leper colony,” Glory continues. “We’re here so she can spike her heels into our skulls on the climb to stardom. She’s laughing at us, Em Jay!””

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5

The devil autotuning his farts sounds like just the kind of avantgarde noise rock that I can get behind.

“This isn’t about money or fame,” MJ argues. “It’s not about ‘selling out’– It’s about survival, ladies. The fleeting chance to keep doing what we love is right here in our hands. So no, I don’t care why she really wants us here. All I know is that she’s giving us an inch – and we’re gonna take a mile.”

You go, gurl! Take what’s yours! Fuck Black Cat and her motivations! Use it to your advantage! And so on and so forth.

While the Mary Janes set up on the stage, Black Cat stalks in the upper level relishing the scene. The Mary Janes are here. Matt Murdock is on the VIP floor. Everything is going “according” to “plan”. World-renowned international mega-thief extraordinaire Le Chat Noir (masculine, for some reason) is on the prowl again!

And here’s how Black Cat foiled the Kingpin: she stole the very first dollar that he ever earned, and that’s some priceless, priceless shit. Kingpin asked Matt Murdock to prove himself by getting it back, and that’s exactly what he intends to do.

The Mary Janes scream their way through a song until Black Cat prances onto the stage, interrupting and ruining their set. She and MJ exchange icy salutations while Glory groans exasperatedly.

“BONJOUR, NEW YORK CITY!” Black Cat yells to the audience. “I AM FELICIA HARDY! AND THESE ARE MY BLACK CATS!” She motions toward her backing band, all dressed as cats wearing French striped shirts. The Mary Janes marvel at the showmanship.

“Tonight we are here together,” says Black Cat. “All of us gathered knowing that this moment – that any moment – could be our last. And yet… still we dance!”

Matt Murdock is in the audience all like “bring it, bitch.” And then, out of nowhere, ninjas pop onto the stage and start throwing ninja stars at the Black Cats. The Mary Janes flop to the floor, you know, as a defensive tactic. Gwen has a look of “I gotta go be Spider-Gwen” on her face.

All the while, inscrutable shit is happening.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Just another normal Daft Punk show, nothing to see here.

Matt Murdock saunters up to the stage, unperturbed by the happenstances. Maybe because the man is a blind fuck and can’t see the carnage. “I’ll give you this, Felicia. Whatever it is, you have it. You Hardys always have. You’ve always known how to burn out before you fade away.”

Felicia is like “yeah, the ninjas were unexpected.” After the tussle dies down, she and Murdock seem to have the floor all to themselves. And they’re about to fight until Spider-Woman pops in to say the most asinine thing I’ve ever read in a comic book thus far.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5

I’ve got nothing to say. This has rendered me speechless.

Actually, two panels later Spider-Gwen says “Pajama Friday erry damn day, yo!” so she outdoes herself immediately. “I tell you, Ms. Hardy, I thought my life was weird lately. But theme park mascots playing keytars. Ninjas and creepy blind lawyers – your life is one mime short of a Bjork video.”

She thwips all the Black Cats and all the ninjas, wrapping their torsos with webby webs and pinning their arms. Hardy tries to retaliate, but Murdock reminds her that it’s bad luck to murder her guests. She doesn’t care, though, and she’s not going to listen to the lawyer who murdered her father (!). She’s going to murder that guy and pluck out his useless eyeballs. But first, she needs to make short work of that pesky Spider-Woman-Gwen.

So they fight. But even “fight” is a generous word, since all it takes is one punch to knock out Hardy. All the while, Spider-Gwen is as confused as I am about the outburst that Murdock murdered her father (!). After Hardy gets knocked out, Murdock approaches Gwenny and smiles smugly at her. “What is this?!” Spider-Gwen yells. “These are your men?! You work for the Kingpin. Protect him. Do his dirty work. It was you that sent those men to get revenge on Captain Stacy.” And Murdock just keeps SMILING and SMILING. “…a bit reductive as motivations go, don’t you think?”

But yes.

And he also sent the Vulture and that Aleksei guy after him too. Him and Spider-Woman. “I’ve been watching you, Spider-Woman. I’ve seen who you really are. Word of advice, little spider – grip too tightly to what other people expect of you. And in the end… you’ll have nothing left to hold.”

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Smug prick. Tell him to describe yellow. That’s his Achilles’ Heel!

EPILOGUE. Captain Stacy stares at a picture of himself and Gwen and thinks out loud to his late wife. “…I’m so glad you can’t see the mess I’ve made.”

DeWolff pops in at his house just to sneer at him and tell him that it’s “just like him to be the last man standing”. He tells her to bug off. This whole case has infiltrated his home and family. He begs her to let it rest for just one night.

Nothing doing. “I’m not here to put you on trial. I’m here because no matter how it shakes out – no matter what comes next – or what Castle thinks… no matter what’s going on or what you’re into… I know deep down you’re a good cop. A good man. So just watch your back, ok?”

No such thing as a good cop. ACAB!

Final Thoughts

What a vapid shithole of a series! Never again!

Except Spider-Gwen continues in All New, All Different Marvel, so I’ll probably be hitting it up soon enough. Let’s see who runs that series… … …JASON LATOUR? Aw, fuck.


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Charlie Kirk Sucked

Charlie Kirk pictured here looking like dogshit on national TV.

This one goes without saying, obviously, but it’s a perfect way to kick off my new People Who Suck feature. Charlie Kirk really sucked.

I wrote a post already about how much Charlie Kirk sucked, but it was mostly a rant about his hilarious death and how it was conservatives’ new 9/11. To reiterate, post-death Charlie Kirk has really messed up half of America and you can apparently get fired from your hard-earned job by directly quoting the famous racist, misogynist, Islamophobic, transphobic, xenophobic piece of shit. Try quoting Martin Luther King, Jr. and you won’t get outrage from half of America. Directly quote Charlie Kirk and people get really, really mad at you. Go figure.

Here are some of Charlie Kirk’s best hits. He really believed all this stuff because he sucked:
-Black pilots are scary.
-MLK was awful, actually.
-The 1964 Civil Rights Act was a mistake.
-Muslims are coming to America in droves to destroy the country from within.
-White people are being deliberately and systematically replaced with non-White people.
-Straight people should be throwing heavy rocks at gay people.
-Trans people are Martians coming to America in droves to destroy the country from within.
-Women shouldn’t have autonomy and, in fact, should be killed by their husbands if they don’t cook them dinner every day.
-COVID-19 was a hoax invented by the Chinese in order to steal America’s moon babies.
-Vaccines are “medical apartheid” and children should only receive immunizations via runes thrown on the ground to see what shadows they cast.
-All this and much, much more!

Charlie Kirk was never embarrassed to keep a smile on his face, but he should’ve been.

Charles Aloysius Kirk Esq. was born and raised in a boring Illinois suburb. His father was an architect who worked on Trump Tower, coincidentally, so Kirk’s father sucked too. His mother worked as a mental health counselor, so it’s very likely that Kirk sought emancipation due to her extremely woke profession. His sister works as Chicago art curator, which is pretty artsy and woke, too. As a young child, Kirk pulled wings off of flies and played with matches extensively. He was an Eagle Scout, earning myriad merit badges including “TV/VCR Repair” and “Dick Sucking”. During his junior year of high school, Kirk started voraciously listening to the fat and sweaty Rush Limbaugh. Kirk wrote an editorial for Brietbart in his senior year about how liberal his textbooks were, citing algebra and chemistry as particularly heinous and socialist. It led to his first media appearance on Fox Business at the age of 17, where he was on a panel that conversed extensively on the menacing liberal agenda of sorghum farmers. He was rejected from every college he applied to, so he went to community college where the textbooks were even more liberal and geared toward young women with pierced noses and cats. He left after one semester because it was too hard and he was too stupid to cut it. In May 2012, Kirk met a 72-year-old sex offender named Bill Montgomery and they co-founded Turning Point USA. The organization aimed to spread misinformation rampantly in order to turn white privileged high school kids into completely unempathetic, Hitler-loving assholes. Charlie Kirk was shot in the neck at age 31. The dumbass didn’t even get as old as Jesus.

I hate constantly hearing about this guy. To this day, the news is still packed with stories about how people are losing their jobs over saying mean things about this irredeemable cunt. When he got shot (and died, lol), conservative social media was in an uproar about how the “radical left” was responsible for such far-right-style violence. They called it an “assassination”, a word usually reserved for victims who weren’t undereducated crybaby podcasters. I spoke at length about the Jimmy Kimmel situation, an event so mindfuckingly stupid that I still can’t believe it happened. Oh no, Charlie Kirk was the 98,767th victim of gun violence in America in 2025. Don’t make light of it, it’s disrespectful! You know, even though Kirk himself often claimed that senseless gun violence is a necessary way of life in America and that a heap of dead kids during daily school shootings is required for maintaining the Second Amendment (the only amendment that’s important these days, it seems). In short, he died for the cause. He got what he wanted. Charlie Kirk would have completely fine with his own outcome. Too bad he was too busy spouting blood out of his thick neck to have a comment at the time.

RIP Charlie Kirk. I hope you don’t have an issue with the devil’s liberal agenda.

Fuck off.


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Night of the Monster Men storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 3)!” In the previous installment of the Night of the Monster Men storyline, Batman and Batwoman face off against a second monster while Nightwing learns that there are still two monsters out there to go. Against Batman’s wishes, Gotham Girl leaves the Batcave in pursuit of Monster #3.

So she’s going to die. Let’s get the fuck on with it, then.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orland / James Tynion IV
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 3)”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941

In the Burnley District of Gotham City (the undisputed sexiest district), Batwoman pummels a two-headed monster in the mouth with her flying motorcycle. And, fuck, the monster didn’t even blink! She tries to put out an All-Points Bulletin (APB, as we say in the business), but her transmission is met with static.

Spoiler is trying to keep the evacuees happy, but there are about 700,000,000 people crammed into an area the size of a Dairy Queen, so tensions are high.

Nightwing reports that he’s still heading to Blackgate Penitentiary, and that Gotham Girl is a fucking lunatic. Over.

Alfred’s tie is undone, so you know he means business! The Batcave reports that they’re trying to counteract the isolated energy source of the bioenergy-fueled cell structure, whatever the fuck that means. I’m no scientitian.

Clayface, still disguised as about 14 cops, reports that he’s about to lose his sanity if he has to stick around as a bunch of different people for this long. Another neighborhood has been evacuated.

Gotham Girl is ordered to return to the Batcave, but she’s like “No way, Jose”. Again, she’s going to get herself killed like an idiot, and who will be around the clean up that mess? Fuck you, Gotham Girl. You’re a ninth wheel.

At Olsen Park, the evacuees are getting even further restless. “Who put you in charge, kid?” one of them says, pointing an ugly finger at Spoiler. A little boy is looking for his lesbian parents in the crowd and gets shoved by a jerk, so they all turn against him and rioting begins. I’m starting to think that evacuating a whole city was a dumbfuck idea in the first place. Survival of the fittest, I always say. I would be at home watching TV, personally. Let a monster try to suck the marrow out of my bones, ain’t nothin’ keeping me away from my Star Trek reruns.

Nightwing has made it to Blackgate before Gotham Girl. Batman whines to the kid that Gotham Girl is ignoring his direct Bat-like orders. If she’s around, no one is safe. Take her out at the knees!

She shows up anyway in all her shaved-headed glory, sending inmates and monsters flying in all directions.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941

GA-THOOM! I’M HERE TO HELP! WHAT’S THAT, YOU GOT CHUNKS OF CONCRETE IN YOUR EYEBALLS? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT WAS MY FAULT??

Batwoman continues driving her motorcycle around town, observing that monsters are still terrorizing the city and that people are still roaming the streets. She doesn’t do much else other than that.

While a Clayface clone tries to convince more people to get the fuck out of the city, a big chunk of skyscraper starts falling to the street. He pushes a couple of dudes out of the way, and immediately starts dematerializing into sludgy goopy goop. The dudes are about to thank him, but after noticing his condition they’re like “AAAAHHHH, YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!!” And, in shaky, scary lettering, Clayface says “Just… a citizen of Gotham like… you” while his face melts all over the place making “splk spllrch sploorch” noises. Meanwhile, the actual monster grows another head and chaos continues to reign surpreme.

At Olsen Park, this red goop is splashed all over the crowd. I don’t know what it is or where it came from or why it’s there or what I’m reading or where my pants are, but it’s making the crowd unruly. “I said stay calm, people!” yells Spoiler. “Don’t let any more of that stuff touch you!”

Spoiler and Orphan try to fend off the crowd while simultaneously realizing that this was a terrible fucking idea. Even leaving it in the capable hands of the great men and women in the Gotham City Police Department (snicker) isn’t working. Spoiler tries to contact Batman and Batwoman to tell them that some weird red spooge is causing everyone to become violent, but she is met with radio silence.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941

WEEEE!! I GOT SOME AIR THAT TIME, MA!

Batman is flying around his own flying motorcycle. Or if it doesn’t fly, he must be taking some fricken sweet jumps. At any rate, he’s getting buttfrustrated because he can’t solve every problem simultaneously and quickly no matter how much he wants to, like a fucking psychopath.

Spoiler goes to a tunnel of the cave and thwips a big net around the opening so the 7 billion residents of Gotham can’t get through to strangle her. She assess the red murder sludge situation and deems it to be something that can be solved with fresh-cut grass. While she completely wastes time in that direction, Harvey Bullock sweats profusely while fending off Sludgy Citizen #475,584. He’s willing to try anything. Grass, kid? “Fresh-cut grass – it’s a smell to us. It’s also an airborne compound plants release to warn each other of danger. It’s how they communicate,” Spoiler explains. She keeps talking about plants communicating as one mind. This sludge is doing the same thing. Cut off the communication. Thanks for the idea, hot shot. How are we going to do it? Turn off the Wi-Fi?

Oh wait, here’s the bright idea: burn it with fire. Make it really hot in the caves with fire. Put dangerous, dangerous, fire near thousands of hair-having people. I’m so done with this stupid story.

ANYWAY, back to the story! Gotham Girl blasts eye-lasers at anything that moves within the penitentiary. “YOU THINK I’M AFRAID?!” she yells, terrorizing man and beast alike. Nightwing is like “you don’t know who I am, but I know who you are, and you’re hurting people, so stop it.” But guess what? Gotham Girl will never stop it.

She gets swarmed by these little lumpy black creatures while Nightwing bashes them against the wall as if they were little Cambodian children in the Killing Fields! Gotham Girl is so overrun that she plows through a concrete wall just to get them off of her! That’s where she discovers the Queen Lumpy Black Creature. It’s this ugly, bulbous lump with a weird skeleton-thing at the end of it. It goes “FFFFFFFRRRRR”.

“It’s you… giving birth to those things. Hurting people. You think you scare me? It’s always some monster. Psycho-pirate. Hugo Strange. Making my brother go mad. Making me afraid of what I can do. But not this time.”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #941

Everyone let the crazy lady keep going until she gets tuckered out. Do not attempt to communicate or, like, you know, look in her direction.

Gotham Girl goes loco and rips the beast’s scythe arms off, then against Nightwing’s wishes, rips the whole body in half in a disgusting, gory mess. “Just like the pirate! You don’t deserve to exist! I’ll kill you! Do you hear?! I will kill you! Kill you!”

She starts to come to her senses while goody-two-shoes Nightwing looks positively flabbergasted at her atrocious behavior! The cell block is full of guts. She seems ashamed of herself. All these mutilated intestines are making me hungry, honestly.

“Let’s get you out of here,” Nightwing says to the shaking girl. Then, suddenly, all the red bloody sludge on them causes them both to convulse in pain. It seems to be taking a life of its own, seeping into their various orifices. Then, when they can’t hold in their rage any longer, they both turn into werewolf-y beasts! Rawr!

Everyone else is falling apart. Batwoman’s radio doesn’t work. Spoiler can’t hold on for much longer. Batman is losing traction on this stupid rope-thing he rigged up behind his motorcycle. Clayface is decomposing everywhere. Honestly, it looks like a bunch of dumbasses who dressed up in costumes pretending in a self-satisfied way to help the situation by barely doing anything. It all sucks so much dick.

Nightwing and Gotham Girl are going to seriously start fucking shit up now, by the way. They’ve become giant, stupid-looking monsters! Rawr!

Final Thoughts

Is this supposed to be exciting? This isn’t exciting. All I see is a gaggle of complete virgin losers trying to save a city from a threat that is completely out of their league. They’re using rope and nets, for fuck’s sake. Very mid stuff. And to think that this crossover was coordinated by, like, 45,000 people. Sad.


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