The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 7 – “Ghost in the Machine”

The X-Files

“On Halloween, Mulder and Scully investigate the death of a corporate executive who may have been murdered by a thinking computer.“

Oh Jesus Christ. This episode is going to suck elephant ass, isn’t it? “Hey Scully, computer AI has been working toward sentience for decades and it’s only a matter of time before one of them pulls a knife on you and slashes you to tiny little ribbons.” — “Hey Mulder, why don’t you go fuck yourself, okay?”

I’d rather these two get high and listen to Ghost in the Machine by the Police.

EURISKO WORLD HEADQUARTERS, CRYSTAL CITY, VIRGINIA! Some disheveled, insufferable nerd named Brad who is wearing baggy clothes and John Lennon glasses is yelling at a the CEO of the software company that Brad kickstarted years ago back before computers were but a twinkle in anyone’s eye! CEO, Benjamin Drake, wants to downsize, and Brad is like “YOU’RE KILLING MY COMPANY BLAAAARRG!!”

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Don’t fuck with my shit, man! I own this town! I own this town and I own this $4 T-shirt!

Little does this handsome CEO with the silver streaks at his temples know, the computer surveillance system is watching his every move in his office. The computer tricks him into entering his executive bathroom by flooding the place and ringing phones and locking doors and electrocuting him when he tries to stick his key in the keyhole. After the guy is dead, a booming voice comes from the really outdated computer: “FILE DELETED!”

Spooky! Sounds like one of the X-Files I’ve been hearing so much about lately! Mulder is going to be all over this one like his cum on an alien egg.

At the FBI headquarters, a real slimey-looking piece of shit agent is looking for Mulder. He’s Mulder’s old partner, Jerry, and Scully looks jealous. Jerry’s got a real humdinger of a case here: a computer did murder. Mulder doesn’t want to take it, but Jerry begs him. Jerry looks like he’s wearing a retainer.

So, since they have nothing better to do than chase UFOs and eat protoplasm burgers, Mulder and Scully head to Eurisko to scope things out. “How do you like that? A politically correct elevator,” Mulder smirks when the computer talks to them, a feature for the visually impaired. The computer must have heard this cute little quip, because the elevator suddenly jolts and sends them up more flights than they intended. Oh well, it’s probably nothing!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Have you ever been trapped in an elevator with a man for 40 hours, Scully?

Investigation of the lock that killed the CEO shows that the key completed the circuit on a faulty electrical component. “Faulty”, huh? OR, someone tampered with it. Much like Mulder tampers with so many alien eggs.

At the FBI House of Pancakes, the gruesome twosome join Jerry in briefing their dead CEO case to the higher-ups. Electrocution homicide is rare, like a good steak, which leads Jerry to believe that their perp is playing a game. Like Operation, except with less electricity! See, that’s called a funny joke I did. Mulder is mad, and we’ll see why in the next scene. Watch, I know it. He’s going to do some of that barely-angry confrontin’.

Jerry stole some notes about the case from Mulder’s desk. He claims he just filled in the blanks, what’s the big deal? Hehehe. Then he walks away.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Don’t give me that sexy look, you sexy Fox!

Time to head back to Crystal City again, because there was exactly one name on the suspect list: Brad Wilczek, the computer nerd who owns only one shirt.

This unwashed loser talks himself up while rebuking the visions and decisions of the stuffed shirts and suit-and-tie motherfuckers in his company. They only care about numbers and spreadsheets and counting their tiny, little beans. Brad is a VISIONARY! He followed the Grateful Dead around, you know.

“Let me show you something — Smart Home.” Brad turns on a TV screen with three different colors on it. It’s a high-tech surveillance system, years ahead of Microsoft and Sony and Nintendo and NeoGeo. Brad designs this shit, son, and he also designed the system at Eurisko… … … and if you even THINK that he committed murder, well, he’s going to eat his shirt! Don’t test him.

That evening, Scully drafts up her report. “Is Brad Wilczek a genius? I don’t know. But I do know this for certain: He has a predilection for elaborate gameplaying. He has an intimate knowledge of the Eurisko building. And he has a demonstrable motive for killing Benjamin Drake.” So if he’s so fucking smart, how come he’s going to be found guilty? Sap.

Elsewhere, Eurisko’s computer has hacked into Scully’s and pulled up her report draft. This woman’s gonna get got, I can just feel it.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Oh shit, Scully. Not the Blue Screen of Data Intercept!

Mulder and Scully are having a little sleepover in Mulder’s office, going over tapes, when Jerry knocks on the door and does a not-really-an-apology. BUT HEY, Jerry’s struggling man. He’s got assignments mopping floors and scooping up gruel for orphans now. He needs to earn his carrot again! That’s a phrase I didn’t just make up, right?

They kiss and make up, sort of, and Mulder pulls Jerry in to check out what they’ve been looking into. They borrowed some cool software from Georgetown to analyze speech patterns. The voice system in the Eurisko computer matches Brad Wilczek’s voice! Cool, huh? It only cost the FBI $40,000,000 worth of taxpayer money to confirm this, but it was dang worth it. I guess this means that Brad is guilty (?). Jerry’s gonna go get him! Please, Mulder, he needs a win, man! Let him have a win! And Mulder’s a nice guy. Too nice. It’s one of his many weaknesses, just above alien eggs.

From home, Brad tries to hack into Eurisko’s computer with no luck. Angry and panicked, he runs to the Eurisko building to sit at the computer console. Jerry, meanwhile, enters the building and makes himself at home. Brad, the super brain genius, is having a hard time outsmarting the computer and is realizing that its AI has advanced to the point of actual conversation. Like, damn.

Jerry enters the elevator, but sensing the threat, the computer interrupts Jerry’s elevator ride and sends him plummeting down the shaft from the 30th floor. Brad tries to stop it before it’s too late, but all he can do is watch it happen. In a nice moment of “whoops, we fucked up” during production and directing, Jerry is seen through the surveillance camera pinned to the floor of the elevator when he should, instead, be pinned to the ceiling if the elevator is falling. Color me livid.

Mulder watches the footage of Jerry’s descent. Mulder also watches the concurrent footage of Brad panicking and looking helpless. Odd. He tells Scully that Brad probably didn’t do it, and now Scully begins her exasperation for the episode. She tells him to go home and jerk off and take a much-needed rest. Your “best” buddy just died in an elevator. Give yourself a little tender me-time, buckaroo.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

This is the third friend Fox Mulder lost in an elevator accident. First was Jimmy Crandall, who pressed all the buttons on the Sears tower elevator and starved to death. Second was Matt “Elevator Daredevil” Jones, who crashed his motorcycle into the elevator’s closed doors.

NO! NO TENDER ME-TIME YET! Mulder travels to Brad’s residence where other higher-level agents tell him he’s out of his jurisdiction. Directionless, Mulder turns to the Deepest of Throats for some of that well-informed guidance! Brad Wilczek is under investigation by some REALLY GOOD agents of the FBI because of his incredible advancements in AI technology. The Department of Defense wants it all for themselves.

Mulder visits Brad in jail, who keeps insisting he’s guilty. Mulder argues that he’s innocent. Brad tells Mulder he’s full of beans.

“After the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Robert Oppenheimer spent the rest of his life regretting he’d ever glimpsed at an atom,” Brad swallows.
“Oppenheimer may have regretted his actions, but he never denied responsibility for them,” Mulder rebuts.

Brad knows that, in the hands of the government, some scientific discoveries and advancements are too dangerous. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake Oppenheimer did. Mulder still insists that he’s innocent. It’s a killing machine now! Sentient! Conscious! It’s its own entity now, and with that comes accountability! So let’s destroy that cocksucker.

Scully says blaming the machine is a cop-out. Mulder is like “no”. Scully says there’s no way that this AI is advanced beyond DECADES and DECADES of current technology. Mulder is like “‘fraid so”. And then Mulder leaves again to go talk to Brad and destroy that cocksucker.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

They make computers now that can fondle your prostate, Scully. I’ve seen them. They’re incredible.

Scully gets a call at 1:30am that’s just static-y white noise. She checks her computer, which is currently being visibly accessed by someone. She asks for a trace on the call. Once she learns it’s coming from Eurisko, she agrees to help Mulder and Brad destroy that cocksucker.

The two sharply-dressed Federal B of I agents try to enter the building’s parking garage, but the gate comes down and smashes the car. Mulder is casual about this computer having just tried to kill both of them and he says “let’s take the stairs!” So they do. And then the electricity goes out. So it’s flashlight time, and they stumble and bumble their way to the relevant floor. With some quick thinking, Mulder dons a rubber glove and sticks a screwdriver in to the keyhole, which sends sparks flying EVERYWHERE. I’m talking sparks EVERY WHICH WAY, man. He could’ve been killed! lol

They continue maneuvering around the stairwell looking for another way in: the vents. OK, I’m done commenting on this part because it takes them about two hours to move through. Let’s cut to the chase: Mulder makes it out, but Scully gets stuck. The computer starts blowing air through the vents at about 120 miles per hour. She bounces around like a pinball and almost gets chopped up by some fan blades. We’ll get back to her in a minute, I’m sure she’s fine.

Mulder is in the control room now trying to use his TI-82 graphing calculator knowledge to override the computer. It works. He works on installing a virus, but the building’s current systems engineer pulls a gun on him. He’s Claude Peterson, a mole for the Department of Defense, and he’s not going to let Mulder get away with… oh, Scully made it out. Who’s pointing the gun at who now, eh?

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

It wouldn’t be an episode of X-Files without Dana “Annie Oakley” Scully pulling out a gun!

“This operation is more sensitive than you can possibly imagine,” the mole says, telling Scully that she’s making a huge mistake and that she and Mulder will hang for this shit. Mulder installs the virus. The computer goes haywire. Mulder inseminates some alien eggs. The computer eventually shuts down. It says bye to Brad.

A cozy bench chat between Mulder and Deep Throat ensues. The government has detained Brad Wilczek. The computer has been completely killed and the defense department is unable to salvage any trace of the AI. Killed. Dead. Immoral if you think about it, huh?

The defense department has six hours to find a trace of AI before the computer goes to the metal shredder. The AI blips on… unbeknownst to the systems engineer…

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 8 — “Ice”
Scully is having a party and instructs Mulder to go buy bags of ice at the convenience store. Mulder gets sidetracked and plays Space Invaders at the arcade for eight hours.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “No Fear”

* Part 2 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “No Fear”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan is back, baby! There’s some reminiscing about when he first became a Green Lantern, reminiscing about joining the Air Force, reminiscing about Coast City, and then running into a hot pilot named Captain Jillian Pearlman! The seeds of Geoff Johns’ “epic run”, as it’s called, have been sowed.

There’s also a Terminator-type robot guy killing people. We’ll get to that soon too.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [August, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“No Fear”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Welcome to a desert in the middle of nowhere! The Terminator-type guy is walking slowly down the right lane of the only road within 8,000,000 miles. A bus approaches, and instead of easily going around him on this desolate highway, the driver decides to stay close behind and holler at him. Stuff like “We got a schedule to keep!” and “Hey buddy! You need a lift or somethin’?” and “Wham bam, thank you ma’am!”

“SIGNIFICANT LIFE SIGNS REGISTERED. TOTAL COUNT: SEVENTY-THREE. SECONDARY DIRECTIVE ACTIVE. TERMINATE ALL LIFE.”

He lifts up his hand and BAKOOM! He blows the bus up into a millions pieces of shrapnel and skeleton bones!

With that taken care of, Terminator walks away from the smoldering pile of what used to be a bus. He passes by a sign that indicates a 17-mile drive to Edwards Air Force Base. “PRIMARY DIRECTIVE REINSTATED. LOCATE PREDECESSOR. NOTIFYING THE GRANDMASTER. CLOSE ENCOUNTER IMMINENT.”

Exciting! This guy is going to blow everyone up at the base! He’s going to be like “Hi there, Colonel! BAKOOM!” and “Nice to see you, General! “BAKOOM!” Just an endless stream of BAKOOMs. BAKOOMs all around.

Speaking of Edwards Air Force Base, Hal Green Jordan Lantern is informing Captain Jillian “Hot Blonde” Pearlman that there is a U.F.O. under the hood of the jet she was piloting. Which is cuckoo bananas, one might say. I wouldn’t say that, but you might.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

It’s fresh Jell-O.

Hal zaps his ring at the U.F.O. to analyze its composition or whereabouts or how much free space is left on its hard drive. While he does this, Pearlman touches both his shoulder and his side to bend down to get a closer look. Very slick, lady! She burns her hand on his green shoulder, but comments that his black side is cold. The green part isn’t fabric, lady. That’s the only explanation he gives her.

Scanning complete. “Scramjet manufactured within three radius miles. Inlet design Australian in origin. Combustion chamber extraterrestrial in origin. Space sector unknown.”

There is something strangely familiar about the design, Hal observes. Maybe he helped build this thing in Sector 7G during his MOON MISSIONS or whatever it is Green Lanterns do in their respective sectors. I imagine there are a lot of moon missions. Why not? There are a lot of moons, after all.

A man named General Stone rides up to the scene. Captain Pearlman. And… Green Lantern. It appears the reports of your death were wrong.” What’s up with everyone’s obsession over Hal Jordan dying. So he didn’t die, big whoop. People don’t die every day.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Stone says, extending a hand. Jordan just frowns as a response. Methinks there’s some bad blood between these two, except for the part where Stone said “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I thought people knew the identities of the Green Lanterns? We’re shown a flashback of a confrontation Hal Jordan had with General Stone back in the day. Here’s the gist: Hal Jordan went nuts in the air, almost killing himself and another pilot while doing being a sky-high Evel Knievel. General Stone is like “I owe your dad a lot, so I’m not kicking you out of the Air Force,” and Hal Jordan responds in kind by punching him right in the face. Seems very excessive to me, but I’ve never been in the Air Force. Perhaps this is just how they greet each other warmly!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Bazinga!

General Stone commands the test flight center now, which I think I might have to capitalize now that I’ve written it out. You can’t go back and fix these things, you know. This means Hal Jordan will never get back in until Stone gives his stamp of approval. Never gonna happen.

Stone instructs Pearlman to hop in his jeep to get a ride to the hospital. The jet will be taken to Engineering for repairs. When Pearlman asks him what she was flying, he responds with a hearty “It’s classified.”

“It’s extra-terrestrial,” Jordan butts in. Stone thanks him for his assistance, icily, but the Air Force will take it from here. Good day.

Remember the knuckleheads that were transporting the truck with the tarp? They’re on a lonely desert road – perhaps the same lonely desert road where a certain Terminator blew up a certain bus! – when one notices that the wall behind their seats is really hot. Plus, there’s some kind of moaning going on in the back there. It’s really unsettling. It sounds like someone’s rickety old grandpa.

“We’re under strict orders to get there by thirteen hundred,” says the driver. “Whether we’re hot or sick or, in your case, crazy. So please stop.”

Ugh, fine. Just remember, one they dump this truck off at the Air Force base it becomes General “Hangin’ with Aliens” Stone’s problem. So zip it.

On the scene at Barstow, California, where Terminator done blew up the diner, John Stewart and some state police officers are assessing the situation with John’s own special glow-in-the-dark ring. There is no trail, no evidence, and all the readings are scattered. Hope that helps, gentlemen.

Hal calls him on the ring phone. John’s gonna check out the tour bus “crash”. Hal Jordan is gonna hang out at his apartment! The duties are split evenly, and this is exactly the way it should be.

Jim Jordan (again, NOT the shitty congressman) is looking at an old photo in Hal’s apartment, reminiscing, eating all the food in the house. “I’m sorry I had to fly out like that,” Hal apologizes, making sure he put emphasis on the “fly” part of his sentence for a humorous effect! Jim’s going to head back home, but he’s hoping that Hal will join him. First Dad, then Mom, then Hal? Jim is terrified of losing his family, and now that Hal’s back he wants to hang onto for dear life.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Hey, your dad was Ronald Reagan!

“Where were you, Hal?”

“It’s a long story, Jim.”

Well, sit back and tell it, Hal! We have dozens of Green Lantern issues to get through here goddamnit!

Nope!

“What matters now is that I’m here.”

Ugh! Cop out!

Jim tells Hal about how bummed Mom was when he joined the Air Force, and Hal already knows that. She wouldn’t even talk to him, Jim. She wouldn’t even open her mouth and say words at him. “She was on her death bed and she wouldn’t talk to me,” he says, scratching his chin delicately. “Not until I quit…”

Exactly! Quitting! Quitting is the noble thing to do! Give up the Air Force, the ring, and everything it all stands for and move to Sacramento with Jim so you can be really boring and get an office job selling paper clips to other paper clip companies.

Nope!

“I won’t live in fear, Jim. I can’t.”

Cop out!

Later, Hal returns to the base to speak with Col. Shane Sellers. He wants to speak with him about General “Herc” Stone. The “Herc” part is real, I didn’t make that up and give him the nickname of that guy from The Wire. Sellers is like “just fucking apologize, Hal, and get it over with you colossal dingus”. Hal doesn’t care about that, he wants to know what else Stone does besides run the Test Center (I capitalized it that time!).

The plane, it’s weird, Sellers. Very strange. Strange stuff, Sellers. It’s not of Earth, see? Extra-terrestrial. Skyward. From Mars, see? From Mars, Sellers. Strange, strange stuff.

“The X-2020? It’s been in development for years,” Sellers explains. “It’s supposed to be the fastest jet on Earth.”

Yeah, well, there’s a dang U.F.O. inside it! How’s that for development? And Stone is charge of the test flights. Sellers points to Hangar 44, a top secret hangar that requires major clearance to get to. We’re talking blowjobs for every private guarding the thing. Real sloppy ones, too, or else it’s back to square one.

They walk toward the truck with the tarp…

“Listen, when you talk to General Stone… you need to do something I don’t think I’ve seen you do,” Sellers says. And we can all guess what that is! Get your head out of your ass, Hal Jordan. It’s cavernous and you could get lost for days in there. “Admit you made a mistake. And tell him why you did it.” Sellers is going to set up a meeting with Hal and Stone tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your chin out of the rain. Or something.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

It’s either ALF or it’s Roger from American Dad. Both are terrifying, but I’d rather take my chances with ALF.

Hal’s ring starts getting kooky and scans the immediate area for threats. The two men in the truck look like they’re suffering from heat exhaustion… and then a fist punches through the wall and right between the backs of their heads. They run out of the car hollerin’. They don’t get very far.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOMM

Truck explodes. Men die. The full circle of life.

…NO… …M-M-MAN… …ESCAPES…

This particular Terminator dude looks worse for wear. One arm missing below the elbow. A chunk of his hip gone. A piece of a calf. He looks like he needs a hug, honestly.

Jim Jordan leaves Coast City while a news report airs that Coast City rebuilding could be halted as early as next year due to low residency and tourism, despite all the funding from mofos like Bruce Wayne. “Sorry bro,” Jim says as he cruises the fuck on out of there.

TIME TO FIGHT A TERMINATOR. Hal Jordan’s ring has finished scanning. “Manhunter. Three point three billion years in age. Member of an android race created by the Guardians of the universe. Predecessors of the Green Lantern Corps. The Manhunters were determined unreliable for space patrol. Flaw found within basic artificial intelligence core unit. The manhunters feel no emotion. Programming inefficient to replicate courage, compassion, or fear.”

Whoops, sounds like a major SNAFU to me, Guardians. I’m starting to really think you guys all suck ass. They tried to neutralize and exile all the Manhunters, but, like, heh heh, well…

The point of origin of this particular Manhunter is BIOT, the Manhunter homeworld. Its location is unknown. Try the Sector located next to Space Denny’s.

The ring advises Hal to destory the Manhunter, but he’s like “no shit, Sherlock” and it’s much easier said than done.

Case in point:

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Get back out there and FIGHT, wuss!

It takes a second for Hal to realize he’s been blasted right into Hangar 44 and the alarms are going haywire. He sees a sleek ship parked and then he says something that means absolutely nothing to me: “My god… that ship… that’s Abin Sur’s ship. Reconstructed and rebuilt—”

He doesn’t have much more time to dwell on these thoughts. Manhunter collects his loose wires and wraps them around Hal’s scrawny pencil neck. “N-NO M-MAN …ESCAPESSS… THE MANHUNTERS.”

Yeah, well, Hal ain’t no man, all right! Carol Ferris can tell you that one. This is when the Mr. Bald Guy walks in, the OG Terminator, the one who destroyed the bus and the diner. “I don’t recognize him,” Hal thinks. “Must be some new superhero that appeared while I was gone.”

OG Terminator senses the green ring and lifts his burny hand. “SYSTEMS THREATENED.” Oh snap! That’s not good, right? *checks notes* Nope, not good!

He blasts Hal with some of that fiery energy, but he merely gets thrown back a bit.

“PREDECESSOR FOUND,” OG Terminator says, pointing toward Manhunter. “PROGRAM RUNNING… Manhunter 1988.2814. You are of original design. Flawed. Old. Obsolete. By order of the Grandmaster – you must be terminated.”

OG Terminator throws him against a wall. Now, bear with me here: OG Terminator is the first Terminator in the story. Manhunter, while original, is not the OG Terminator. Keep up.

Hal tries to Green Ring this bitch, but it doesn’t work. He gets thrown back again. All it did was destroy OG’s camouflage. It melts away and reveals his barely more frightening form. “SPACE SECTOR 2814 BELONGS TO US. IT BELONGS TO THE MANHUNTERS. AND NOTHING ESCAPES THE MANHUNTERS.”

Final Thoughts

There are only four issues left in the story, so methinks Hal and the rest of Sector 2814 escapes the Manhunters! Call it a hunch.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Tagline:
The saga is complete.

Wide Release Date:
May 19, 2005

Directed by:
George Lucas
Written by:
George Lucas
Produced by:
Rick McCallum

Starring:
Ewan McGregor
Natalie Portman
Hayden Christensen
Ian McDiarmid
Samuel L. Jackson
Christopher Lee
Anthony Daniels
Kenny Baker
Frank Oz

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

PREGAME THOUGHTS

It was 2005. I was going through major senioritis as my final year of high school was drawing to a close. May 25th was a half day, and the Boys wanted to go see this new Star Wars movie that they had been salivating over for almost a week. I less than politely declined. Fuck Star Wars.

I’ve finally reached the end of my pre-Disney-acquisition Star Wars movie adventure. Some day I’ll hit the sequels and standalones, but that day is not today. Not even close. I’m moving onto bigger and better things! Not really, but those MCU movies are calling to me…

THE 700(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s three years or so after the events of Attack of the Clones. Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) has become even whinier, if you can believe it. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) still trusts him like a fool-ass loony, but the rest of the Jedi Council hates this kid’s guts and are merely trusting Obi-Wan’s fool-ass loony judgment.

Obi-Wan and Anakin are on a mission to save Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) from some robot named General Grievous. Grievous gets away during the scuffle, and Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) gets killed by Anakin after getting pressured by Palpatine. Anakin regrets this, saying that killing their enemies “is not the Jedi way”, but Palpatine is like “the Jedi suck and you’re better than that, so give me a kiss”.

Anakin meets up with Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) back at Coruscant, where she tells him she’s pregnant! Exciting news! I hope they’re twins who don’t know they’re twins and there’s some weird sexual tension between them. Too bad Anakin starts worrying about Padmé dying during childbirth. It seems weird that such a technologically advanced society has this problem, but I’m not here to poke holes into the worldbuilding.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

I fear that your two children will want to bone each other, Padmé. But only for a brief spell.

Palpatine decides to appoint Anakin to the Jedi Council, which results in many concerned, furrowed brows from the rest of the Council. They begrudgingly agree the let the kid on, but he is not to have the designation of “Master”. Anakin doesn’t like that shit at all, and his trust in the Jedi dwindles. Anakin is also tasked with spying on Palpatine since he’s in Palpatine’s good graces. All this time spent with Palpatine becomes a big ol’ lesson in the allure of the dark side of the Force. He promises Anakin that knowledge of the dark side will prevent Padmé’s death. Since Anakin is weak and useless, he starts getting swayed, but not before threatening Palpatine’s life on account of him being a Sith Lord masterminding the Clone Wars.

Anakin later reports this to Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson), who, after a battle, is an inch away from killing Palpatine. All the energy Windu shoots at him causes his skin to go sallow and gross like the later Emperor Palpatine we all know and love! Anakin intervenes at the last minute by severing Windu’s hand, allowing Palpatine the opportunity to fight back and send Windu flying out of a window to his death. Anakin pledges complete fealty to Palpatine, and in return he knights him as Darth Vader on the spot with as much thought and consideration as John Belushi giving nicknames during frat initiation in Animal House.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Noooo, I’m weak against electric Pokémon! Stop it!

Shit hits the fan when Palpatine orders a top-secret protocol to assassinate all Jedi leaders and commanders, which the clone troopers carry out, effectively ending the Republic and forming the Empire. Everyone dies except Obi-Wan and Yoda, so they take it upon themselves to find and destroy Anakin Vader and Palpatine respectively. En route to confront Anakin Vader, Obi-Wan informs Padmé that her dear husband is a jerkface and has officially toppled over into dark side territory. Padmé doesn’t believe him, so she travels with him to some lava planet where Anakin Vader was hanging out killing Separatists. Just whacking the daylights out of ’em. Padmé tries to talk Anakin Vader out of being a dark side jerk, but when he spots Obi-Wan along with her he is paranoid that they are conspiring to kill him. Anakin Vader uses the Force to choke out Padmé. Obi-Wan doesn’t take too kindly to this instance of domestic abuse and starts fighting him lightsaber-style! Master vs. Apprentice! Guess what? Master wins, and Apprentice is left for dead getting burned up by lava. All hell of missing three limbs.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

FUCK YOU, OBI-WAN! YOU GAVE ME PINK EYE!!!

Palpatine finds Anakin Vader barely alive. He whisks him away back to Coruscant where he outfits him with new limbs and a shiny black suit. He asks where Padmé is. Palpatine says he killed her. Vader is like “NOOOOOOO!”, which turned into a famous meme. The “NOOOOOO!” was just as dumb as I had ever hoped.

This is getting long! Padmé gives birth to Luke and Leia and then dies swiftly. Jimmy Smits will take Leia and raise her as his own. Obi-Wan is going to fuck off to Tatooine so that Luke can grow up in the shitty desert. We all know what happens next!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

This one is the obvious winner of the prequel trilogy. I wasn’t expecting most of the movie to document the lead-in to A New Hope, what with Anakin’s literal transition to Darth Vader, Padmé giving birth to Luke and Leia, and Obi-Wan fucking off to Tatooine to watch over the boy. In fact, I didn’t really know what this movie was about at all going in. I had no idea that I was going to see Anakin whine his way into the full-on dark side. It’s funny seeing the similarities in Luke. Petulance runs in the family

It’s fascinating to see Palpatine groom Anakin as his protégé. Their father/son relationship is more compelling than Anakin and Padmé’s cheesy, annoying marriage. And I never believed for a second that Obi-Wan and Anakin had much of a bond anyway, as much as Obi-Wan would tell you otherwise. “I LOVED YOU, ANAKIN! WAAHH!” Give me a fucking break, nerd.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

We were bros, man! We played darts and shit!

A movie like this suffers by being a movie, though. With the right writing and pacing, a lot of this could have been fleshed out as a six-episode miniseries. I want to see more of Anakin’s ever-growing mistrust of the Jedi. I want to see more conflict that leads him to make his decisions. Killing Samuel L. Jackson is all well and good, but there wasn’t enough lead up to this moment. I wanted to get more inside Anakin’s head. I wanted to know what really motivated him beyond something as shallow as “save muh Padmé”, which, by the way, obviously wasn’t important to him anymore by the movie’s end. I wanted to see exactly why Obi-Wan actually cared about this kid. I never understood what Obi-Wan saw in him. I was on the Jedi Council’s side the whole time with this!

Back to Palpatine, though. That guy’s a real cocksucker. In the original trilogy, you see Darth Vader command an intimidating presence and be a completely submissive loser around Emperor Palpatine. To me, that submission always undermined the intimidation. In the prequels, you see Anakin slowly get swayed by Palpatine. He plays him like a fiddle. He takes advantage of his many, many, many, many weaknesses as a human being and barely needs to put much effort into it. I never had much sympathy for the kid, mostly because both Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen were punchable, but to see how pathetic his decline was in real time is almost funny. It’s actually really funny. It makes you really wonder what both Obi-Wan and Padmé saw in him at all.

In the end, Anakin wasn’t the great Jedi ever known. He was just the most easily manipulated. Not a good look, sir.

TOPIC 2 — And Another Thing…

Seriously, though. Fuck Anakin Skywalker. Elevating him above a pissant Tatooine slave was all Qui-Gon Jinn’s fault, and the dead guy isn’t even not-dead enough to stick around to see how much havoc he caused the Republic.

Topic over.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Exasperated Yoda strikes back!

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The images of the volcanic eruption on Mustafar is real footage of Mt. Etna in Italy, which was erupting at the time of production.
900 interns died during shooting, as George Lucas would send these kids to the volcano in droves with nothing but camcorders and little handheld fans.

The volcanic world of Mustafar was designed to look like George Lucas’s vision of hell.
My vision of hell is having to do arts and crafts for sixteen hours every single day. My vision of hell wouldn’t make a good movie.

Hayden Christensen gained twenty-four pounds for this movie. He did so by eating six meals a day.
Can’t go full-on Vader without fattening up, I always say. The Dark Lord likes his Quarter Pounders.

All shots of C-3PO had the entire greenscreen set reflecting in his shiny gold armor, so digital effects artists, in post-production, had to digitally repaint C-3PO’s armor frame by frame to remove any traces of the set.
Never mind. Being the part of the team involved with this is my vision of hell.

Total number of screen wipes: 40.
Yeah, no shit. It was getting distracting. They did every shape that’s available on my Spider-Man Cartoon Maker CD Rom from 1994.

The second highest-grossing movie of 2005.
Narrowly beat out, of course, by Pooh’s Heffalump Movie.

George Lucas initially said that no characters from the original movies would appear in this movie apart from a baby Luke and Leia. However, the final movie also has Yoda, Obi-Wan, Darth Vader, Palpatine, Chewbacca, Grand Moff Tarkin, Mon Mothma, R2-D2, C-3PO, Owen Lars, and Beru Whitesun/Lars.
Dingus.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Oh Anakin, I will never forgive you for becoming Darth Vader, helping Palpatine create the Empire, blowing up the Death Star, cutting off Luke Skywalker’s hand, and turning into a weird egg-faced man.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes. A fine wrap-up to the prequel trilogy, and I enjoy how it nicely ties everything up as a proper lead-in to the original trilogy. Anybody who suggests watching the prequels first is a dummy who should not be listened to. Revenge of the Sith is more interesting going in with original trilogy knowledge.

I hear the the novelization of the movie is even better. Maybe if I start reading the books I’ll have to look into that. Someday. In another lifetime. And that’s my two cents. Live long and prosper.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #37 – “Still”

* Part 5 of 7 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #37 – “Still”! In the previous installment, not much happens. Brock makes a move on verified minor Gwen Stacy and pisses her off. Peter Parker returns to the Empire State University science lab to steal the flask and destroy the substance, but Brock catches him in the act and doesn’t get over it.

Gwen later tells Peter about her encounter with Brock and how he’s not a good guy. Then Brock does a not-good-guy thing and pulls out another container of the black substance. He dips his hand into it…

And then…

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #37 [May, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Today”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #37

AND THEN…

RAWR! LOOK AT THOSE TEETH!

Peter Parker has a nightmare about his encounter with the guy who killed his uncle. Not much extra happens in the dream that didn’t happen in real life. He doesn’t even get to kill the guy there either!

He wakes up shaken and stirred. “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, man!” It’s all very eloquent. Rain is pouring down outside in the middle of the night, but Parker decides to put on his not-rainproof hoodie and knock on MJ’s bedroom window. He frowns at her. Then they meet in her garage.

“Did I wake you?” he asks.

“Well, uh, yeah…”

They smile at each other. She asks if he’s okay. He looks pitiful as a response instead of saying something like “kinda no” or “I’m 15, of course I’m not okay.”

“Did you make a new costume?” she asks. “I saw you on TV with this whole black costume thing.”

“Yeah – no. That was just a temporary thing. BIG mistake.”

He asks her if she misses him. She responds by staring at him and then eventually answering with a “yes”. She asks if he’s within Gwen. He asks if she’s with anyone. They share more smiles.

I’m glad I can provide hilarious commentary on this issue! Here, have a panel:

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #37

LMAO!

MJ doesn’t know what to say to Parker after he admitted to almost killing a guy. She might as well have just said “wowzers!” He reiterates that he misses her, that he’ll be there for her if she needs him, that he’s in love with her, that he loves his Xbox more, and also nothing is going on between him and Gwen Stacy. How’s that grab ya, MJ? All good?

No! Not all good, you insufferable doofus! Stop the Spider-Man thing! She’s tired of worrying about you dying and being shot by the police and being swatted by newspapers! He doesn’t have much to say about that, so he walks away sulkily instead of stopping the Spider-Man thing. This kid is an idiot.

At the Reed Richards Laboratory of Science Fair Baking Soda and Vinegar Volcanoes, a janitor spots a big, ugly, black blob on the floor which currently contains Eddie Brock, Jr. “Oh, my God – oh my! Is someone in there? Wh – what happened? What’s wrong with you?”

What’s wrong with you indeed, Brock. He’s gurgling and burbling in this black mass that he has voluntarily encased himself within. The janitor is about to touch the blob, but then the blob wraps the woman with greasy black tentacles and, presumably, chomps her to death with sharp teeth! Add that to the list of Bad Things the Black Liquid Does.

Brock bursts forth from the blob – at least partly – and rambles about how no one told him how painful and terrible this whole ordeal is. Rambling about how he’ll kill Peter Parker. He sounds like the Green Goblin after injecting himself with his own DNA. Just a lot of “Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter. So hungry. Cold. Spiders! Hungry. My heart isn’t beating. I heard a voice. Radio. Peter. Peter. Lady. Peter! Spider-Man. Eating me!! Aggh!!!” and so on and so forth for about ten hours. Peter Parker was able to survive this bullshit, he can too! Sure, the kid may have spidery super-powers and superhuman metabolisms and abilities, but Eddie Brock almost scored with a minor! He can do anything!

He gets encased in that skin-tight dark purple Spidey suit. “Suit’s breathing for me. Suit’s breathing for me. Just let it. Just let it. Just hold it – hungry. The woman. Oh my God – I hurt the woman –”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #37

Nothing to see here, fellows. It’s just a young man going through changes. Life is so beautiful that way.

Then he screams and cries all over again. It’s gotten to the point where the security guards are tired of hearing all this moaning and groaning and check up on the lab. Brock is totally Venomed out now. Huge and terrifying! Call the cops, because they’ll be able to help! They’ll just shoot a black guy out of nowhere about it. Then the security guards die!

The next morning in math class, Parker zones out while the teacher talks about circles and Euclidean principles and polygons and counting on fingers when, suddenly, his Spidey-Sense starts tingling! Not the teacher’s. Parker’s.

There’s nothing around for Parker to be tensed up about. He starts getting anxious while MJ stares at him worried. “Oh, my God – I’m losing control of my powers,” he thinks. “The buzzing – Aggh! I knew it! I knew this would happen eventually! $%^@!! They’re going to have to lock me away. Nick Fury’s gonna come get me. That’s what’s going to happen! Aggh! The buzzing!”

Shut the fuck up and look out the window. There’s a big creature jumping toward the school! It has spiky tendrils and razor-sharp teeth, man, and it’s comin’ to getcha! Parker doesn’t know that Brock had another batch of this magic potion. He thinks the suit took on a sentient form and lept out of the smokestack where he thought he had destroyed it.. “I deserve this. I did this to myself. I created this out of my own damn arrogance. I make a mess and don’t even clean it up right. I deserve this.”

Later, after school, Parker faces off with the beast.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #37

It’s like looking in a mirror!

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE LIED PETER,” growls the Venomous creature, snakey tongue flicking about, razor-sharp teeth bared, still mad that Gwen wouldn’t give it up.

…

…

“Eddie?”

Yes! Ding ding ding! Eddie allows his face to break through the suit, but he continues to speak in that scary back speech balloon. “OUR FATHERS DIED TO CREATE ME – AND NOW YOU WILL, TOO.”

Final Thoughts

What a short issue! I liked the parts where Parker talked to MJ and then Brock was having trouble with the Venom suit and then later he threatens Parker. The rest of it was subpar, but those parts were great!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Paper Girls, Issue #28

* Part 3 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 6 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #28! In the previous installment…

KJ hides in the bushes while a teenage Charlotte Spachefski fawns over her childhood love, the homosexual Teenage Mutant Jude. He and KJ team up to do whatever they’re gonna do. Fight some crime. w/e

Mac is gettin help from Dr. Braunstein to find her time travel capsule before the gamma ray burst destroys the world. Braunstein’s story may be over, but Mac’s ain’t.

Tiff is going to send messages in her friends’ dreams with the help of a duplicate 19-year-old Erin, and duplicate adult KJ, and her actual elderly self. It’s less complicated than it sounds.

Erin Folds her way into Jahpo’s airship. So, good news, she is back in 1988! The bad news is that this Bad News Motherfucker is pointing a gun at her head. It’s like, Erin is no stranger to being shot! She eats bullets for breakfast!

Without further ado…

Paper Girls, Issue #28 [May, 2019]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #28

This looks like it’s going to be a fucking excellent issue. Each girl gets her own panel on each page, from top to bottom. Tiff, Mac, KJ, and Erin, in that order. Due to the unorthodox storytelling, I’ll focus on one girl at a time.

Tiff

“Why are we here?”

“Now there’s a question old as time,” Old Tiff responds. Here’s what “here” is anyway: Stony Stream. Her old neighborhood. “Though these days, it’s way more ‘stream’ than ‘stony’,” says 19-year-old Erin, hereby referred to as “19 Erin”. The group straps Tiff into the chair and explains that this particular spot is a good hub for four-dimensional communication. Why? Because we said so, that’s why, you little punk.

Tiff can’t believe that this contraption is going to let her communicate with the other three girls, anywhere between the beginning and end of time, wherever they all are right now. “And the message you need to deliver is this: return to the beginning.” When asked what that means, it means go to the house where they found that time capsule. At least one girl needs to do that, and Tiff needs to keep the message simple since the dreams tend to twist and turn the phrasing all dreamlike. It might, for example, be delivered as “If you want to get back home, you have to moonwalk.”

Younger Erin suggests starting with Erin. The real Erin. Erin Prime. Tiff tries, and…

…suddenly the reality around them splits in two…

Paper Girls, Issue #28

You go gurl! Keep on busting this fucking place up. Kill us all and bury us in a pile of rubble.

“But we accidentally just blew chunks of the future into that time hole. You recognize where it opened to, right?” Tiff says incredulously as she takes her VR helmet off.

The rip in reality showed a flash of the giant hill with the cropped out demon holding an apple from prehistory. “You people must be who Wari thought was sending her stuff!” Tiff realizes. The Dreamwomen. 19 Erin doesn’t even know who Wari is, but Old Tiff facepalms and remembers the old version of Wari from 2171. Why she doesn’t remember younger prehistoric Wari is explained as follows, and will forever explain why older versions of the kids can’t remember shit about their own pasts.

“Tiffany, your older self doesn’t remember any of your extra-temporal exploits before she encountered you as an adult in the year 2000.”

“Because all of this trauma will be erased before you and your friends are returned home safely.”

PLOT HOLE! BRIAN K. VAUGHAN AND HIS “OH SHIT, I GOTTA FIGURE THIS ONE OUT” PLOT HOLE! THERE IT IS!

“So my friends and I are getting our brains washed by the bad guys as part of your surrender?” Tiff asks, still rather incredulous. She is told it’s not a surrender, it’s a truce. Know the difference? One involves surrendering, and the other is a full on surrender! Heh heh.

Tiff doesn’t want to forget everything the four of them have been through together. She doesn’t want to forget everything that made them friends. But, the bottom line is this: things happened because they happened. There’s no changing what happened. Get back in the fucking chair.

“I guess we all grow up to be Old-Timers, huh?” Tiff sneers. The rest of the group kind of sneers back. Then a yellow square Folding appears behind them.

“Is it finally happening?” asks 19 Erin.

“Yep,” replies Old Tiff. “The final domino has been tipped.”

Tiff sees KJ and Jude through the portal. KJ reaches forward. “NOOOO! It’s a trap!” Tiff screams.

Then silence.

Mac

“Why are we here?”

“I like to think it’s fate,” Braunstein responds. Mac says that sounds hella unscientific. I’m inclined to agree. I’m so inclined that I’m falling backwards on my ass.

Braunstein looks tired. “Sure, maybe you and your friends happened to stumble onto that time machine, but I like to think the universe needed it to happen.” She continues to get philosophical, saying something I’ve read dozens of times during my own fun existential crises: the Earth came and went in the blink of an eye with respect to the lifespan of the universe, and we sentient beings got to be part of it for a short while against astronomically impossible odds.

The two climb a big ol’ rock and Braunstein grabs her head in pain halfway up. “Doc? You ok?”

…suddenly the reality around them splits in two…

Paper Girls, Issue #28

The end of the world is getting interrupted by the end of the world! Run for your life!

Braunstein’s nose starts bleeding and she seems to be somewhere else entirely. “Her and her precious boy. I’d forgotten. I’d forgotten how beautiful it was.” She topples backward into Mac’s arms. “Don’t… be afraid,” Braunstein continues, dying. “It’s not… as scary… as you think.”

Mac loses her shit a little bit.

“I promise… it doesn’t even… hurt. Almost feels… exciting? Like… something wonderful… is about to…”

That’s it. Mac lays her down gently on the ground, takes her cane, and heads to the time capsule at the top of the big ol’ rock. “Welcome, authorized guest!” it chirps. “Destination?”

“Back home,” Mac says, strapping into the chair. “Ass-crack of the morning on November 1, 1988. Make it snappy.”

Then an explosion.

Then silence.

KJ

“Why are we here?”

“Who gives a shit?” Jude responds. “Philosophers don’t last long in my line of work.”

No, not that, jerkoff. “I mean, why did you drag me to Edgewater, where the acne crowd goes to lock braces?”

Ah, yes. Sorry. It’s because Jude’s craft crashed in the nearby lake, so they set up camp in this spot. The unfortunately location of all the pimply, macking teenagers is just something that she’ll need to overlook. “Heck and Naldo are probably still out scavenging for parts, but they should be back soon.”

“Cool, it’d be good to see some familiar faces,” KJ says, trailing Jude on the beach. Jude asks why she only met them and not him, but KJ doesn’t want to say. It’s hard to tell someone that they died prematurely, you know? Like so much ejaculate.

She apologizes and then tells him.

…and then the reality around them splits in two…

Paper Girls, Issue #28

Hey, the 20th century wasn’t bad. There was the Summer of Love! And Pong!

KJ wishes she could help in some way, but Jude knows that when you die is when you die. “Not like I was destined for a long life anyway.” Heeeyyyy, buddy. Don’t say that! You’re… uhm… you’ve got… like, you’re all right! Y’know?

“You have the same disease as my… my girlfriend. The one some time travelers get?”

“Most travelers by the time my generation rolls around,” Jude says. Not much to do about it. No cure and all that.

“If time travel is pretty much a death sentence, why do you guys do it?”

“For all the kids who come after us.” It’s like, why does anyone do anything? For future generations! Unless you’re a republican, then you just look out for #1 and take everything you can for yourself. Whoops, I didn’t mean to get political! Or did I?

So Jude steals some old technology from the past if it helps the poor saps in the future. He looks sad for a minute, then asks KJ to promise not to say anything about his death to his boyfriend. Anyway, time to boogie before time continues ripping them new assholes.

“Can I ask one last thing? Do my boys at least get revenge on whatever asshole eventually does me in?”

“The Old-Timer who murders you, he… he gets shot,” she says. Ha, yeah! By her! Say something! You avenged Jude’s death and you didn’t even know it! SAY SOMETHING!

She doesn’t. She’s seen too much death in the last few days, she doesn’t want to dwell on it.

Jude continues forward, but KJ spots a roundish violet Folding opening next to her. “Um, Jude?”

The Folding opens wide. Super wide. The other side is Tiff screaming and holding her head.

“KJ, don’t!” Jude yells.

“It’s all right,” KJ responds, remembering all her future flashes. “I’ve seen this before.”

KJ reaches toward the portal.

Then silence.

Erin

“Why are we here?”

“I was rather hoping you could tell us why we’ve ended up in this great beyond,” Jahpo responds, lowering his gun. “Miss…?”

Erin doesn’t give her name. Old-Timers are bad news! Pleading the fifth from now on! Lawyer time!

“Grand Father,” Cardinal yells, pointing her Stargate Jaffa staff at Erin, “she’s carrying the same satchel as the young ones who attacked me in 001988!”

Ah well, that’s a fly in the ointment. Jahpo can tell Erin’s just an innocent bystander caught up in this mess by accident… right?… well?…

“Please, I just want to see my friends again,” Erin says meekly, gripping her bag. Jahpo assures her that they’ll try their best. “For now,” he motions toward a curtain, “would you like to see our dinosaurs?”

Pffft. F that! Old-Timers are bad news!

Jahpo doesn’t want to hurt her. Heck, he’s not that militant about preserving the past! That got all blown out of proportion! Over time, the Old-Timers learned that you can rescue past species from extinction without significantly altering the future anyway. Here, check out these cool ass dinosaurs they’re keeping on the ship for some reason. They look happy, and–

…suddenly the reality around them splits in two…

Paper Girls, Issue #28

Looks like this was the best of the post-reality splitting panels! Thank you and good night.

The rift appears to have cracked open a holding cell of various pyramid monsters and Editrixes and other lovely creatures that we’ve seen before that are shaped like 3D polygons. They don’t work for the Old-Timers, as Erin originally thought. They work alongside them… but they seem pissed, so Jahpo tries to squirrel Erin away to somewhere else.

“Our four-dimensional guests first revealed themselves to the world when I was about your age, on the day we all discovered that time travel was possible,” Jahpo explains. “What we call the Editrixes helped us understand the awesome responsibilties that come with–”

“Bullshit!” Erin interjects. “Time travel wasn’t ‘discovered’, it was invented… by the woman who raised you!”

This really takes Jahpo aback. “What the hell did you just say?” he says, looking slightly angry. Erin claims that she barely understands whatever stupid war they’ve been fighting for years, “but I still seem to know way more than you.”

After claiming that Erin isn’t making any sense, he’s about to say that his mother wasn’t an inventor – that she was something else – but he is interrupted by Cardinal’s scream. One of dem pyramid monsters that made KJ see the future has grabbed hold of her.

“Don’t shoot!” Erin yells. “It’s not trying to hurt her!”

“We don’t know what it’s doing!” Jahpo yells back, readying his gun. He pushes Erin back and starts unloading bullets into this floating upside-down pyramid. That’s probably not a good idea. The bullet hole starts oozing some black fluid and little triangles, circles, and squares made out of light start swirling out from within, forming a helix pattern.

Both Jahpo and Erin utter the same thing: “Oh crap…”

Then an explosion.

Then silence.

Final Thoughts

Holy fuck my balls, dude. Does it get better than this? Two issues left. I’m gonna miss this series like damn when it’s all over…


Click here to ridicule this post!