Phil Hartman Was Murdered

Phil Hartman Was Murdered

RIPin’ since 1998.

Guys, something has been brought to my attention. I’m not sure if any of you already knew this, so please sit down. No, really, sit down. You’re going to need to sit down. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Jesus Christ, I’m trying to tell you something serious here. OK, are you ready for this? You’re not going to believe it.

On May 28th, 1998, at around 3am, Phil Hartman’s wife shot him in the head with a .38 caliber revolver while he was sleeping. She was on Zoloft, alcohol, and cocaine. She drove to a friend’s house and confessed. Her friend, Ron Douglas, didn’t believe her. They both drove back to the house, where Douglas saw Phil Hartman’s body still in the bed. Douglas called the police, the police removed their children from the house first, but when they came back into the house they had discovered Phil’s wife dead in the bedroom with a self-inflicted gunshot wound through her right eyeball.

Her name was Brynn Omdahl. She was a bitch.

Funny stuff, I know! I like to keep it light-hearted once in a while. I think about Phil Hartman’s murder a lot. I mean, not a lot. It’s not like I wake up in the morning, eat my Wheaties, think “Phil Hartman was fucking shot!”, and then brush my teeth. But this happened 25 fucking years ago now, so it feels important to write about it.

But I won’t! I will instead spend the remainder of this post that’s supposed to be observing the 25th anniversary of Phil Hartman’s murder by talking about some other celebrities who were murdered.

Here’s to you, Phil!

John Lennon

Phil Hartman Was Murdered

John Lennon – Murdered

John Lennon! On December 8th, 1980, Lennon got those glasses blasted right off his face by Catcher in the Rye-loving Mark David Chapman. How do you like them apples, Johnny? Serves you right for beating the shit out of Cynthia Powell. I HATE PHONIES! BAM!

I kid, I kid. Like all smarmy musicians, Lennon didn’t really deserve to die. But he did die, and now we all have to suffer with Beatlemania retrospectives and, uh, martyrdom. Listen, this Chapman guy was motivated by two major things: his aforementioned obsession with Catcher in the Rye, and his anger at Lennon’s “bigger than Jesus” statement. Among other statements. He even wanted to kill Elizabeth Taylor, Ronald Reagan, Paul McCartney, and Johnny Carson! But he only had time to kill John Lennon. He was too busy stroking his pud insanely to remember to do it.

John Lennon is mostly remembered today for his dumb haircuts and his decisions to record audio of himself and Yoko Ono fucking and breathing hard. You can see Lennon’s penis and balls on the cover of that one album. It’s quite majestic, and by “majestic” I mean “really majestic”.

Selena

Phil Hartman Was Murdered

Selena – Murdered

If you’re a Texan-Mexican man in your 50s, chances are about 99.99% that you have covered your pick-up truck with decals as a commemoration to Selena Quintanilla, aka Selena Quintanilla Pérez, Selena Quintanilla Pérez Hilton, aka Selena.

There’s a lot of backstory behind Selena’s murder, so if you like long novels with hundreds of thousands of details that culminate into a woman getting shot with a gun, then Selena’s story is for you! To be brief, Selena hired Yolanda Saldívar to run a couple of stores. Saldívar sucked hard at running the stores and lost business. About 500 people told Selena to cut this woman loose, but she refused to entertain any possibility that Saldívar sucked hard at helping and doing her job correctly. Selena’s dad discovered that Saldívar embezzled thousands of dollars from the company. After several attempts to discuss the inconsistencies with the numbers and for Saldívar to hand over the financial papers, Saldívar took this opportunity to instead kill Selena with a gun she was carrying around. You know, just in case a Selena-killing situation arose.

So what became of Yolanda Saldívar? Last I heard, she was attempting to run a prison store and she’s sucking hard at it. The warden asked for financial papers and she shot him in the back! Now she’s in mega prison, and you can take that to the bank.

Christina Grimmie

Phil Hartman Was Murdered

Christina Grimmie – Murdered

I didn’t know who Christina Grimmie was until about two hours ago. She was pretty! She was also murdered!

She got her start on YouTube and then ended up on The Voice, and those are two reasons right there why I’ve never heard of her before and why I will never think about her again after I hit the ol’ “Submit” button on this blog post! Grimmie was killed on June 10th, 2016 at a concert venue in Orlando, Florida. She was signing autographs after her show, then 27-year-old Kevin James Loibl approached her as a fan and shot her three times at point-blank range. Perhaps he was mad that he was missing a vowel in his last name? Police reports indicate that Loibl had an “unrealistic and unhealthy infatuation” with Grimmie, and you know that when you love someone enough you have to murder them in cold blood in front of dozens of witnesses! When questioned about his Grimmie obsession, Loibl would get “angry and defensive” and that he was “tired and ready to ascend”, which is exactly how I described myself at my last job interviews with Home Depot and Pet Supplies Plus.

Thankfully, this is the last murder with a gun that ever happened in America going forward.

Wasn’t that fun, kids?! The moral of the story here is: don’t become famous or you’ll get extremely murdered!

Until next time, ladies and gentlemen. Keep an eye out for crazies with guns!


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Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Airborne”

* Part 1 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Airborne”!

Hot off the heels of the Green Lantern: Rebirth limited series, Geoff Johns continues his epic tale with Issue #1 of a brand new Green Lantern reboot! In the Rebirth storyline, we see Hal go from being possessed by an evil entity known as the Parallax to eradicating it with the help of a few Green Lantern buddies: Kyle Rayner, Guy Gardner, John Stewart, and Kilowog. Plus Green Arrow. Sinestro shows up for an issue or two for no reason to try to kick Hal’s ass, but Hal gets rid of him too. For now. We haven’t seen the last of him.

Now that Hal Jordan is back from being dead or whatever the hell was wrong with him, he intends to start living a normal life. A normal life with some Green Lantern powers.

But there’s some vegetable in prison who has a giant head and a Salvadore Dali mustache. He appears to be the next bad guy, but we’ll have to see what we get. Oh boy, are you excited? I’m excited! Let’s crack this bad boy wide open!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [July, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Airborne”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1

“Do you know what happened to him?”

“You mean, do I know what he did? Hell. Everyone does.”

A couple of schmoes at the Ferris Airfield are talking about Hal Jordan. He did some insane maneuvers with the jet and “he’s lucky he wasn’t arrested”. Maybe he flew into the World Trade Center and died! That would certainly be cause for a slap on the ol’ wrist.

“They say Hal Jordan was an ace. But there’s no way Ferris will let him fly again.”

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan is doing maintenance on one of the jets. I know this because he is holding up a wrench and frowning! SUDDENLY, a beam of green light hits him like a UFO abduction. “Hal Jordan. You have been chosen.”

Jordan literally gets beamed up. “I am Abin Sur. Green Lantern of your space sector. Sector 2814. I am dying. The brightest day becomes the blackest night…” yada yada yada. Here’s your ring. Don’t fuck up.

Abin Sur, still manifested as a beam of green light, transports Jordan to another part of Earth where a plane has crashed in the desert. All the while, he reads him the instruction manual for the ring. It’s fueled by willpower. You need to charge it with a green battery. Don’t get it wet. Keep it at room temperature. “But there is a flaw in the battery. An impurity located within your visual spectrum. The power is ineffectual against yellow.”

The crashed plane contains a beefy red, bald man. He presents the ring in his hand, the battery close by. “Hal Jordan of Earth. Do you accept this duty?”

Long story short, Hal Jordan accepts this duty.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Can the ring conjure up a couple of hamburgers to celebrate the occasion proper?

Then the plane fades away and disappears…

I suppose this was all a flashback! The nerve of these people hella blindsiding me like this! Well, now let’s catch up to the present day. Hal Jordan and another pilot are flying around the very same desert. One flies upside down right over the other one, flashing a card hand at each other through their cockpit windows.

“Two pair, high ball,” says Shane, flashing Q Q 10 10 7.

“Jack high, Colonel,” says Hal, flashing Q Q 10 10 J.

POKER! The Cool Man’s Game.

It’s Edwards Air Force base. Hal had signed up the day he turned 18, and he met Shane Sellers the very same night. They fought over a redhead at the bar. Fingers were broken. They never fought again since. Some lieutenant colonel fucked the redhead.

Anyway, everyone had thought Hal Jordan died the day Coast City was razed to the ground, but no. He was “on the road”, and now he wants to just fly again. I suppose this is all part of the not wanting to be a Green Lantern anymore thing. “Do you know how many strings I had to pull today?” Shane tells him. “This wasn’t a requal flight. It was a favor.” Hal needs to run through training again. Test pilot school. And Jordan’s ok with all of this. More than ok. Things are getting back to normal.

“Why’d you do it anyway, Jordan? What happened that day?”

“I couldn’t quit.”

Flashback again! I think. This must be right after he received the ring from Mr. Beef? Or later? Or earlier? Or before? Or after? Oh, this is after the poker game in the present day. He takes it out of his locker at the airbase. It rings like a telephone. “Jordan. Hey, I’ve got a zero-zero.” That means an abandoned spacecraft! Not to be confused with a zero-zero-zero, which is a zipper caught on the penis like in There’s Something About Mary. “In a geosynchronous orbit over northern Nevada.”

I believe this is John Stewart talking, who is one of Jordan’s Green Lantern buddies! Hal Jordan wastes no time conjuring up his Green Lantern suit and flying to, where was it again? Northern Nevada? Yeechhh.

In Bartsow, California, an Air Force guy is hitting on the cashier at a diner. The jeep out front has a large tarp over the back, hiding something. The cashier finds it fascinating, but the Air Force guy won’t tell her what it is. “It’s top secret,” he says, handing her money and rubbing her palm with his finger.”

“Hey, Private. That’s my girl you’re trying to recruit,” approaches one of these trucker hat motherfuckers. A real MAGA-asshole looking tall drink of water. The Air Force guy remains calm, thanks the woman for the coffee, and leaves without another word.

The Air Force guy is named Johnson. When asked by another soldier what the weird moaning sounds are under the tarp, Johnson tells him to shut his trap. Suspicious stuff! I hope it’s Jabba the Hutt.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Good to know that all it takes is a little fisting to get in Hal Jordan’s good graces.

Hal Jordan and John Stewart didn’t really get along until they realized they had a mutual goal: challenging authority. Of course, as we know from Rebirth, John Stewart is a pussy. All that “challenging authority” is in the form of crying in his bed.

They discuss the lack of activity in the Green Lantern Corps. Only five officers, all operating in the same sector. Well, maybe it’s not even five anymore. Stewart wants to try restarting the Corps, but Hal Jordan is like “eh”.

They come across the abandoned spacecraft: a big, glowing yellow monstrosity. A real eyesore of a thing. “And I’d guess whoever built this thing wanted to keep Green Lanterns out.” No shit, sir. Green and yellow don’t mix. Keep your mustard out of your salad.

The impurity is trapped in the power battery again. Huff! But this time they know how to beat it. They use their rings to drill a large hole in the side of the craft…

There’s no life support system. No navigational computer. Not even a chair! No life signs! No signs of organic anything. Empty fuel cells. That can all only mean ONE thing: It’s a GHOST ship! Barring that, whoever flew here had no intention whatsoever of flying back.

Back over in Barstow, California, Mr. Big Guy is giving his fiancee the business about hitting on Air Force dudes. While this happens, a big, bald alien-looking man has locked in on “trace radiation” and flies himself to the diner. “Who the hell is this?” Mr. Big Guy yells as the bald alien stares menacingly. “This another one of your boyfriends from the base, Kristy?”

He picks up a large pipe, intending to bash Mr. Bald Guy’s head in. “SYSTEMS THREATENED” says a robotic voice, and Mr. Bald Guy turns Mr. Big Guy into Mr. Skeleton Guy.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Oh man, that hurt. How bad does it look? Is it going to leave a scar?

Kristy cries in the corner and begs for her life. “PRIMARY DIRECTIVE. LOCATE PREDECESSOR. SECONDARY DIRECTIVE. TERMINATE ALL LIFE.”

*skeleton*

Without any real leads, John Stewart heads back to Justice League HQ aka a Giant Toilet. Hal Jordan heads back to what’s left of Coast City. Located between Los Angeles and San Francisco, Coast City boasts the largest population of disease-ridden seagulls and heroin-addicted muskrats. It where Jordan grew up after his dad died. He lived there almost all his life… until Mongul destroyed it. Two million people were killed, but who’s counting? The government was supposed to build it back up, but fuck the government.

Hal is about to enter his apartment when a smiley sunglasses man named Jim shows up to say the ol’ hello. “Bro? I thought you were dead.”

Jim Jordan, eh? Not to be confused with the loathsome politician? Jim lives in Sacramento now with the wife and the kids. Coast City is the pits. For one thing, it was destroyed. Second of all, he hates getting bitten by muskrats suffering withdrawal symptoms. They’re slowly building the place back up, sure, but less than 1,000 people currently live there. “And I doubt it’s going to grow.” The ghost town vibe gives him the willies!

“Dad would’ve moved back,” Hal says like a sourpuss.

“Mom wouldn’t have.”

Jim cuts to the chase! “Are you still a Green Lantern or what?” A bold question! Hal checks his pockets for his Green Lantern Diners Club Card, but before he can answer at all they are rattled by a couple of large BOOOMs! Well, a BOOOM and a SHOOOM, to be more precise.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #1

I’m gonna punch the shit out of this thing.

An out-of-control jet blasts across town. The wing is on fire. The BOOOM/SHOOOM has shattered windows. Hal Jordan powers up his Secret Decoder Ring and Green Lanterns his ass up! Flying after the jet, he instructs the ring to tell him to scan the radio frequencies to hear the distress calls. “…abort, Captain. Engine’s stalled. Systems are shorted out and offline…”

The pilot’s jet is breaking apart, and he is kindly advised to eject from the fireball that is the aircraft. Luckily, a Green Lantern – the best Green Lantern – uses his magic ring to grapple onto the jet and help land it safely. The fire department has already arrived to put out the flames. Hal hopes the pilot is ok as… SHE exits the plane?!? “Thanks for the save, superhero,” the beautiful blonde woman smiles at him.

“Yellow,” Hal Jordan smirks. “My one weakness.” KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, HORNY BOY. There’s not even a scratch on this woman, by the way. She just exited a flaming airplane. She should be dead of smoke inhalation, leaving behind a sexy corpse!

“You would’ve blown past Mach 7 if you kept the wing.”

“They say the X-2020’s gonna do 10 by the time we’re done.”

“Sorry I had to intervene.”

She smiles like she didn’t almost die fourteen seconds ago. “Funny. Ya don’t look sorry.”

Disgusting. They’re giving each other the ol’ fuck-eyes and I’m not interested. Keep it out of my my burly, manly comic books.

Her name is Captain Jillian Pearlman, and, like everyone else on the planet, she thought Hal Jordan was dead. Very much alive, baby. That’s how Hal Jordan operates!

A crowd starts gathering around the plane, where broken areas of the fuselage expose the engine. “Whatever kind of engine is inside this monster,” Jordan thinks, “it isn’t from Earth.”

Oh boy! Space engines! What a hook! *fart*

We end at Edwards Air Force Base, where the truck with the tarp has been dropped off. Glowing red eyeballs appear in the darkness under the tarp. Slowly, a bright light fills the area. “NN. NN-NO. M-M-MAN. …ESCAPESSS…

Final Thoughts

Sounds like an epic doozy of a storyline is underway! I can’t wait to see Hal Jordan bone the new lady and then John Stewart gets into a pissing match with Batman and then I want to see Carol Ferris throw acid in Hal’s face. Then I wanna see Kyle Rayner get a cucumber stuck in his butt and then Edwards Air Force Base get hit with an asteroid.

All this and more awaits!


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #36 – “Today”

* Part 4 of 7 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #36 – “Today”! In the previous installment, Parker swings around town with rejuvenated energy! That black liquid suit has really transformed him into something harder, better, faster, stronger! But, just like every daft punk before him, he gets a big wake-up call by hubris. Ooohhhhh, the hubris! It’ll get you every time.

He finds the man who killed Uncle Ben and decides to go into Monster Mode with his slick new suit, scaring the fuck out of the guy AND Parker at the same time! I’d say the guy deserved it, but instead Parker scrambles to cut loose from the suit’s control over him and he lands unconscious in a graveyard after falling through some power lines. That happened to me once, and I hated it!

This is the aftermath of the suit hangover. Aunt May probably made cookies.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #36 [April, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Today”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #36

Eddie Brock is chilling with verified minor Gwen Stacy in his dorm room. He gives her the same spiel, verbatim, he gave Parker back in Issue #33, To paraphrase: get over it! So you keep getting dumped by rude boys, big deal! High school is stupid! Does that help?

And it does. She calls him out on repeating this information. “What is tha, Eddie? Your schtick?” she smiles. “Maybe…” he smiles back.

JAILBAIT, BABY. He leans in for a kiss! She stops him immediately.

“I’m only fifteen, first of all.”

“I thought you wouldn’t care about that – girl like you.”

Ha! Typical. This is the part where he gets all pissy and butthurt because she’s not going to give it up. He even makes scowly faces and starts calling her a tease and making her feel bad. All she wanted to do was hang out. See a little reggae. Chill, ya know. Take it easy. Relax. Take a load off. Eat some pizza. Shoot up a HELL of a lot of heroin. You ruined it big time, Brock ol’ Boy. You fucking idiot. Rape someone your own age. OR, like, don’t! Sorry. Don’t do that at all.

She leaves, slamming the door. “They’re all the same…” he mumbles. “Never changes.” He clicks on his TV and catches coverage of Dark Spidey, dubbed “yet another Spider-Man copycat”, as he saved the day in Manhattan. “Or, as many believe, the original is back… with a new look and a bold, new attitude!”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #36

Hey man… got any of that HELL of a lot of heroin left over?

Brock watches the footage of Dark Spidey hopping around and recognizes the protoplasm suit. “Oh my God!!” he yells, bolting from his dorm and toward the science research facility. “Can’t be… can’t be…”

IT COULD. He catches Peter Parker in the act! The kid is addicted to the black stuff. He needs a fix. He’s getting twitchy. He’s stealing more from the vault. Eddie Brock just stares at him, dumbfounded. That goes on for about two pages.

“What – what have you done?!!” Brock yells, putting on his INTIMIDATION face. Parker looks nervous and tries to explain himself, which would be hard to do since the first time around involved sneaky thievery. How about we just forget this whole thing ever–

“What are you doing here, Peter? How did you–?” Brock looks furious. Parker tries to tell him that this substance is dangerous. It’s uncontrollable. If it can be controlled, these two sniveling wimps aren’t capable of controlling it themselves. Brock doesn’t care about any of that; Peter Parker broke his trust, man! His trust. That is hard to mend! Have you ever tried to mend trust? It’s slippery, like Jell-O.

Parker wants to destroy the flask. Brock tries to grab it from Parker’s grubby little hands, but Parker does this little thing where he grabs Brock by the jacket and effortlessly lifts him in the air with one hand. Eddie Brock looks scared. Peter Parker looks scared. I look scared, too. I’m scared.

Brock puts the pieces together. “You – you’re Spider-Man, aren’t you?”

EEK! OOK! BZZZRTT!! “Eddie, we have to destroy this,” Parker responds, ignoring the question, holding up the flask with the disgusting black liquid. “I am going to take this and destroy it so we can…”

“YOU TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON OR I GO RIGHT TO THE $#%!@ POLICE!” he shrieks, likely in an uncanny Eric Cartman voice.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #36

No, you absolutely cannot have any of my heroin.

So Parker tells the whole story, right up to the end where he had to steal clothes out of the dumpster to shield everyone’s eyes from his abhorrent nakedness. Brock looks like he’s sadly pooping out a toaster, but then Parker legitimately apologizes for 1) breaking the gelatin-like trust, 2) stealing this stuff twice, and 3) did he mention breaking the trust yet? Sorry about that too.

Peter Parker then spends an entire page – an ENTIRE PAGE – talking about how he’s seen stuff like this ruin lives and families first-hand. How the horrible crap he’s come up against as Spider-Man has really fucked him up. How arrogant he was to think that he could handle and control this unknown substance. It has to be destroyed. Okay? Pretty please?

Eddie Brock’s expression softens. “Peter – this is all I have left of my father. It’s all I have left.”

Parker talks a lot more! “Look at me – I had the thing for an hour and look what happened. I almost killed a man with my bare hands. It’s a cancer. It’s a virus.” There’s a lot more then just that, but he’s getting repetitive. Another good point was that there are some men, some bad men, some very very bad men, who will do ANYTHING to get their hands on something like this. Pokers under the fingernails. Dick and ball torture. Reruns of That ‘80s Show. Remember that? Horrible!

Brock still doesn’t agree to any of this, but he has conceded to the reality that he won’t be able to stop Parker from destroying it. Man, is he scowling. First the 15-year-old girl wouldn’t fuck him and now this? What a day.

Since Parker still isn’t assured that Brock is at all okay – why should he be? – he tells him that this Spider-Man thing is a secret to everyone he knows. Aunt May. Gwen. The Mayor. Everyone but MJ, but she doesn’t count. Brock’s eyes light up at this revelation. “That’s right,” Parker says. “That’s how much it means to me that you believe me.”

This is what did it. Brock lightens up. He’s impressed with the kid in many ways. He even smiles a tad, but then immediately slaps his forehead. He walks away growling. “I gotta – I gotta ingest this.”

Sounds good. You do that. You ingest. You digest. Any sort of -gest you need to do.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #36

I can’t believe that worked! All for me! All for me!

Brock walks away, and Parker immediately flies over to an industrial plant and drops the flask down a smokestack. Good riddance! Now for some Funyuns!

He flies home and doesn’t even take a shower after changing out of his garbage clothes, which he should have done because he bumps into Gwen in the living room. Aunt May is at a parent-teacher conference, which means the two of them are alone and some good ol’-fashioned hanky panky might be in the cards soon!

“Where were you?” she asks him.

“At the Bugle.”

“Sure you weren’t stalking your ex-girlfriend?”

“Come on…”

“You talk to your buddy Eddie?”

“Did he call?”

“Don’t know. Did you talk to him?”

“No.”

“No?”

“What?”

“Between me and you – your little boyhood pal’s a dirtbag.”

“What’d he do?”

So Gwen recounts the “what’d he do” part of what he did, and “he got like a guy” when she wouldn’t let him touch her fun bits. Parker tries to defend him, just a little bit, probably in a feeble attempt of “NOT ALL MEN”, but Gwen insists that this guy ain’t no good. A real rotten egg. A real piece of shit rapist murderer anime-loving asshole.

Flashback to 43 minutes ago, where Brock wants to ingest. He walks through the halls bug-eyed, like when Eminem tries to look tough. He looks like that. He scowls AGAIN, does an about-face and checks on his locker. “He did it,” he mutters, staring into the empty compartment. “Little jerk took it.”

He walks over to another locker to grab a jar of putrid black potion, a separate sample. Smiling, he opens up the jar and sticks his hand in…

Final Thoughts

Whoa mama! This is the part where Eric Foreman turns into a Bad Boy! Look out, Spidey, you’re gonna get entangled within the venomous wrath of Venom Brock! He’s going to give you the atomic wedgie of your life.


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Paper Girls, Issue #27

* Part 2 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 6 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #27! In the previous installment, we get to see more of where the girls are and what they’re going to do.

Erin: 2016, and she needs to moonwalk to get back to 1988.

KJ: 1958, and she’s going to find Charlotte Spachefski.

Mac: ~5,000,000,000, and she’s going to die via cosmic gamma-ray burst with Dr. Qanta Braunstein.

Tiff: 1988 + ~thousands, and Not-Not-Erin is going to help her help them win the war against the Old-Timers, which she already did! Apparently.

So let’s get RIGHT BACK to it, kids.

Paper Girls, Issue #27 [April, 2019]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #27

“All clear! It’s safe for you to come out now!”

A teenage Charlotte Spachefski has been hiding a Teenage Mutant Time Traveler in her cellar. She wears an awful, tacky poodle skirt. “You’re a lifesaver, Charlotte.”

KJ is hiding in the bushes watching the two of them converse. This is the Jude that Charlotte fell in love with, and let me tell you, he’s quite a piece. He’s got anime hair and an Elvis face. Charlotte asks him to stick around, but he has to go see his friends’ work on their ship. Charlotte begs to see the ship, but then her father calls her from inside the house! Gotta go before she gets a good old-fashioned 1958 caning!

Jude helps young Charlotte through her cellar doors, and KJ pops out of the bushes to threaten him with the underside of her hover boot. “Hey, Jude. Don’t make it bad.”

Jude doesn’t resist. He throws his hands up in the air. “You work for the Old-Timers?” he asks. “Hardly,” she responds. “I’m just a regular old kid trying to get back home to 1988. That’s where I met your buddies Heck and Naldo.”

Ah yes, Heck and Naldo. Good guys. Terrible names. Jude is like, what the fuck were you doing hanging out in 1988 and why the fuck would you want to go back? KJ is like, it doesn’t matter, this all started because you creeps stole Tiff’s walkie-talkie.

Oh yeah, that one. He remembers that one! A nice piece of business. “My guys and I are like one of your old super-gods, Robyne Hude.” He leaps over the fence. “We steal from the greedy past to give to the needy future, dig?”

KJ follows with her hover boots and asks if he can get them to 1988 anyway. She wants to see Mac again! Jude respects her honesty about having a girlfriend. “I was still in the closet at your age,” he says, “and my people actually like our kind.”

Paper Girls, Issue #27

Wrong!

There’s more story at the end of the world, by the way. Mac and Dr. Braunstein are traversing the empty, hellish wasteland. It blows. Mac needs a cigarette. Braunstein doesn’t want to give her one. There are no cigarettes at the end of the world. That, and they can’t waste any time getting Mac to the capsule before it’s too late.

Braunstein doesn’t answer, but Mac wonders why she’s not going to come back to the past with her. Why she gotta die with these post-apocalyptic monsters? Braunstein tells her not to call them monsters, but then one huge-ass bug-like monster pops out of the ground! While Braunstein holds its jaws open with her cane, Mac unsuccessfully attempts to shoot the fucker with Braunstein’s zap gun.

Then she turns the safety off and obliterates the thing. Mac gets blown back and lands on her Walkman, breaking it. She had a Prince tape in there! Sign “O” the Times! Could Mac get any cooler? “Huh, my father used to have one much like this,” Braunstein says of the Walkman. It really is too bad she can’t go back in time and stop all of this from happening. The cassette is a good analogy: time is one long spool, stretching from beginning to end. Each segment can only be taped over so many times before it degrades.

God, remember those days? I had about 20 VHS tapes stuffed with recorded Simpsons episodes. My prized possessions!

When Braunstein notes that maybe God wanted it this way, Mac asks how she knows God is real. Braunstein never used to be much of a believer in anything, but as she got older she has come to believe that there must be a higher power out there.

“What kind of asshole creator would let a kid die?” Mac questions, and rightfully so. “You have every right to be pissed, Mac. Nothing about life is fair… but at least yours isn’t over yet.”

“So what? Even if I escape this nightmare, I have what, a few more years left, tops?”

Corny cliche time! It’s not the amount of time you have, it’s what you do with it that counts!

“Anyway, at least your tape survived. Is it a good one?”

“Nah…”

Paper Girls, Issue #27

♪ ♫ ♬ Sign o’ the times mess with your mind/Hurry before it’s too late…♪ ♫ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♬

Tiff’s turn. “What the eff is happening right now?”

What the eff indeed. Erin introduces Tiff to her three companions: A 19-year-old Erin duplicate, an older, short-haired KJ duplicate, and a very old Tiff dupl– wait a minute, the real Tiff? How? Whut? Huh? Hurr? Durr? Fuh?

“It’s me, ‘Double-Oh Tiff’! I’m the older version of us you saved from my trainwreck of a life back in 2000!”

Fuh?

Old Tiff proves it by sharing a third-grade memory of them shoplifting Garbage Pail Kids cards and never confessing to anyone. Then they hug. Everyone smiles.

I’m glad these new people are just the old people. I’m not fucking learning any new characters in this stage of the game.

“But, I watched you explode! And… how you die is how you die!” Tiff scrambles and flails. And maybe so, young lass. Maybe so. But maybe not! In fact, “not” is correct! She didn’t die. Her current companions snatched her up and brought her forward in time at the last split-second. That’s cool and awfully convenient. I smell a plot hole, Brian K. Vaughan. Way to not be completely immaculate.

“Tiffany,” the older KJ duplicate faces her seriously, “our foremothers rescued your older self for the same reason they gave birth to us: because you and each of your friends are vitally important to the future.”

So where’s Mac? And they all eyeball each other nervously. “Look, ‘it’s complicated’ is the understatement of the friggin’ mega-annum,” says 19-year-old Erin. “But all you need to know is that these ladies and I are gonna reunite you with all three of your fellow papergirls.”

But they need Tiff’s help to do so! She is vital to the reunion! Here’s why!: Um…

Ah yes, ok, so get in the virtual reality chair. Now.

Back in the day, time-travelers needed to leave coded messages in newspapers. Kinda like what Charlotte Spachefski did. Since the Old-Timers caught on, they now have more sophisticated means of communicating with other eras. Dreams. Dreams are secret messages from the future.

The caveat is that the dream message must come from contemporaries. For some reason! Everyone’s tried and it doesn’t work! Even Old Tiff had a problem. So get in the virtual reality chair. Now.

Paper Girls, Issue #27

We also need you to give Don Draper the idea for that famous Coca-Cola commercial. That will also create peace on Earth.

“This is totally bonkers. What makes you guys think any of this is really going to work?” Tiff asks, sizing up the machine in front of her.

“That’s the thing, beautiful,” Old Tiff smiles. “It already has.”

SO GET IN THE CHAIR. NOW!

Next, it’s Erin Time. She looks, and I know this will be a shock to everyone, apprehensive. “The dream told you to moonwalk, right?” she mutters. “I think that means I have to retrace my steps…”

“…back to where this all started.”

She finds herself in front of the foreclosure, where it all started, where they all found that time travel capsule in the basement. Crazy to me that this house is still in the same shoddy shape that it was 28 years ago, but I know people who have been in shoddy shape for 28 years, so I suppose it’s reasonable?

She creeps her way to the basement, knife ready. The silhouettes of girls with Tiff and/or Mac-like hairstyles can be seen from behind. “Um. Hello?” Erin calls out meekly. “Please. I don’t know what you want, but I’m just looking for something my friends and I found down here a few days… I mean, years ago.”

The girls don’t move. They don’t make a sound.

“Quit messing around.” Erin continues creeping down the stairs. “I know this is where I’m supposed to be. I had, like, a… vision.”

She sees that the “girls” are, in fact, mannequins. One looks like someone fucked the mouth and caved it in a little bit!

REMEMBER HOW THE VIOLET TIME TRAVEL NOISE WAS “VURR VURR VURRRR”?? Well, just like on Jahpo’s ship, a yellow Folding appears. His was square, but this one is a perfect triangle. Oh yeah, and it goes “RUV RUV RUUUVVV”.

Erin bolsters herself. This is cake! She’s done this time travel thing before, and look! This one might take her home! “It’s like Mr. T says, ‘You gotta follow your dreams.’ Just follow your…” she reaches a hand close to the terrifying yellow triangle-shaped portal… and her fingers start stretching toward the opening as if it were a black hole.

Then her whole body gets stretched out and forced through the portal. As if it were a black hole.

Only it’s a yellow hole.

“OOHF!” she lands on the other side, and god knows where she is now? Kennedy’s 1961 Lincoln Continental? On the moon kicking Buzz Aldrin’s ass? Columbine High School ca. April 1999?

NOPE! She lands right on Jahpo’s airship. So that’s who came through his Folding. I should’ve guess that! I’m an idiot! *slaps own face repeatedly* Stupid stupid stupid! *punches own jaw until I’m dead*

“Awesome to finally make your acquaintance,” Jahpo tells her while she lies on the floor, pointing his very large gun right at her very small head.

Cardinal looks sadly alarmed.

Final Thoughts

I don’t have any final thoughts! Let’s keep this train moving! See you next Monday, cunts.


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Calvin and Hobbes – June, 1986

Welcome to June, 1986! Literally nothing happened in this month. Labyrinth with David Bowie is released. That’s it.

What did Calvin do in June, 1986? Oh man. What didn’t he do?

Calvin and Hobbes - June 3, 1986

June 3, 1986 – Hobbes is drownin’ in pussy.

Hobbes reveals that he had a dad who, by all accounts, was just as horny as Hobbes. Rhino or no rhino, girls are always on the mind. Again, since Hobbes represents Calvin’s suppressed emotions and feelings, we can conclude that Calvin is also always horny. And that is disgusting. The child is six. We as a nation need to stop sexualizing Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes - June 7, 1986

June 7, 1986 – Calvin is the human contraceptive.

I’ve checked the ingredients of Crunchy Sugar Bombs: sugar, glucose, dextrose, fructose, high fructose corn syrup, low fructose corn syrup, sucrose, high sucrose corn syrup, with less than 2% of the following: wheat. They’re part of a perfectly balanced breakfast as long as you eat a pile of horse vitamins.

I like that Calvin describes himself as “incoherent and hyperactive”. Here’s a typical Saturday afternoon conversation:

Mom: “We’re going to have pork roast and potatoes for dinner tonight, Calvin.”
Calvin: “RARAHRPAARPRA. AAAA BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB!!”
Mom: “You’re going to eat it, because I’m not making anything else.”
Calvin: “GAAAAHH!!! RUH-BUH-BUBLUBLBULB! GRRAAPHRN ANRHN ANARPH!!”
Mom: “Don’t give me any attitude, young man.”
Calvin: “HORK! HORK! GROOOOO!!! RUH-BLUBLUBLUBLUB!!”

Calvin and Hobbes - June 9, 1986

June 9, 1986 – HELL YEAH, GIMME SOME OF THAT NEW COKE.

Speaking of increased sex appeal, I just ate gnocchi with tomatoes, broccoli, and a homemade pesto sauce with an entire bulb of raw garlic blended into it. My breath smells like a Italian restaurant dumpster and I can’t tell you how many ladies are crawling all over me right now. Consider ramping up your own game some day.

Calvin and Hobbes - June 12, 1986

June 12, 1986 – The plot of Open Water.

Mom often looks like she regrets not sticking a coat hanger right up the ol’ snatch back in 1979. Bath time is the perfect time for the perfect crime, I always say. All it would take is 45 seconds of holding Calvin’s head under the too-cold too-hot too-cold too-deep water and all of Mom’s problems would go away. Dad would dance a jig downstairs as he hears the final gasps of breath from his only son.

Really fucked up if you think about it.

Calvin and Hobbes - June 15, 1986

June 15, 1986 – That’s “Mr. Bologna Loaf” to you, bitch!

Morning time is the perfect time for the perfect crime, I always say. All it would take is a fucking shotgun to the mouth and all of Dad’s problems would go away. And this time I meant Dad should be the one to Kurt Cobain himself. Leave the rest of your family out of your shotgun-related suiciding, Dad, you deadbeat.

Calvin and Hobbes - June 21, 1986

June 21, 1986 – Budget cuts have really hurt the pirating industry.

Remember when Calvin boarded Tom Hank’s ship and held him and his whole crew hostage? It all started with a little plank in the pond. Big things come to those who wait.

Calvin and Hobbes - June 24, 1986

June 24, 1986 – The pre-Internet days were hard times.

Here’s a fun fact for ya! This very strip influenced me to try doing the same thing in my own house! I was 29 at the time.

Ha ha! I was probably Calvin’s age and I was very upset to find out that this doesn’t work at all! Whatever toilet paper that gets wet just breaks off as the water rotates around the bowl. It was the biggest rip-off of my fucking life.

I don’t have a better story than this. Sorry.

Calvin and Hobbes - June 28, 1986

June 28, 1986 – THIS PREMISE IS RIDICULOUS! I TRIED THIS AT HOME AND IT DIDN’T WORK!

Here’s a fun fact for ya! I’ve never tried to take a bath in my toilet, if you can believe it. Who do you think I am, Michael Jackson?

Who knows how close Calvin was to slipping down the drain and through the pipes? His dead, bloated body would be floating around every turd in the neighborhood. A fitting end for the town’s biggest terrorist to be dumped into the sewer like the piece of shit that he is!

That was a little uncalled for. I apologize. I’m just jealous that I have a third of the fun on the toilet that Calvin had.


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