Paper Girls, Issue #29

* Part 4 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 6 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #29! In the previous installment…

Tiff is urged to start communicating with her contemporaries, but a sudden rift in time has caused a massive amount of distrust. She sees KJ through a portal and things blow up.

Mac watched Braunstein die and then jumps into her time capsule, setting a course for November 1, 1988. Then things blow up.

KJ hangs out with Jude a bit and sees Tiff through a portal. And then things blow up.

Erin argues with Jahpo for about two minutes before he shoots one of those crazy upside-down pyramids. Something blows up.

You’re not going to understand any of this! Read the series yourself and then come back.

Paper Girls, Issue #29 [June, 2019]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Mac’s time capsule is zip zip zooming through time and space and she’s fucking yelling and flailing. “Warning: AppleX User Terms and Conditions have been updated. Our arrival point has been altered by a second party.”

Mac doesn’t know what any of that means, but she sighs defeated. “I’m never getting back to Stony Stream, am I?” she grumbles.

“…next stop, Stony Stream,” the computer chirps and unfurls a parachute. “Error 717: We are approaching the requested geographical location, but the incorrect temporal designation.”

Ah, so Stony Stream in a different time period, huh? What else is fucking new? “Time Capsule, what year is it? Are there gonna be goddamn dinosaurs when I step out there?”

It’s August 2, 1831. It’s about noon, but everyone in the town is asleep. Welcome, and enjoy your stay. Mac walks out onto the street, unnerved, cane at the ready for walloping anyone who tries any funny business. She asks the capsule how long it will take to get to 1988, but the capsule needs to preserve its remaining battery life for Qanta Braunstein’s last will and testament. “Confirmed, delivering to primary beneficiary,” it says before closing its door and vaporizing into thin air before Mac’s eyes.

She barely has time to process being stuck in 1831 when a kinda familiar faces pops in to say hi. “Thank goodness you made it, Mac. If your bad ass hadn’t survived to join us, the entire third dimension would have shattered like a… a… what do you call the top of a crème brulée?”

Old Tiff helps Mac off the ground.

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Would a lobotomy really be so bad? You get to have ice cream afterwards! …or is that a tonsillectomy? Does it really matter? Bring it on.

“Tiffany! You’re not dead yet!” Mac smiles profusely. 19 Erin clarifies Tiff’s claims a bit. They’re not trying to hurt anyone. They’re just as invested as the girls are about getting back to 1988. Some memories need to be adjusted, is all. Everything that happened happened, but none of them can continue their lives with the information they’ve gathered over the last few days. Why? Because neither Older Erin nor Double-Oh Tiff recognized their past selves. So the forgetting part actually happened! So it has to happen regardless. Understand? Yes? Good!

Mac asks if all that means she’s still going to die soon anyway. They all shift nervously. Tiff starts yelling again. “If you’ve got this higher-than-high tech, why don’t we go way back, stop us from ever finding that stupid time machine in the first place?”

Older KJ says they did try that. Millions upon millions of times. Millions. The best they could actually do was change the date that Mac met Tiff by a few weeks or something to that effect. The current of time is so strong that there’s nothing to prevent the four of them from finding that capsule in the basement.

No. Not fair not fair. None of the four of them want to forget one another! And it’s like, sorry toots, it’s going to be that way anyway. Plus, they’re all fucking twelve years old. They’re gonna make a million new and better friends! And–

“How did I not notice it?” Mac interrupts, looking right at Older KJ. “You’re… you’re her, aren’t you? Only,” she squints, “old and stuff?”

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Think of me as the stunt double who has to do all the nasty shit that KJ doesn’t actually want to do. Like, for example, all this time-travel bullshit with you bitches.

After Older KJ explains who she is, she looks at her watch. 12-year-old KJ should be joining them all in about three… two… one…

KJ pops through her portal. Tiff is about to celebrate, but Mac holds back. “Careful. How can we be sure this isn’t another evil mimeograph of her?”

KJ continues walking through into 1831. “Because I know you taste like cigarettes and Ultra Brite toothpaste.”

Ha, okay, she’s in the clear. They share another kiss…

…but then get interrupted by Erin and Jahpo coming through their own portal. “What is wrong with you kids? Can’t you leave anything well enough alone?!” Gun in one hand, dragging Erin by the other, a furious Jahpo heads toward the rest of the group.

The duplicate Erins whip out their own ultra-futuristic Super Soaker 9000 guns. “Steady on, Old-Timer. We come in peace, but we didn’t come unarmed.” Yeah, baby.

“Peace, you blew up the Cathedral, killed every last soul aboard!” Jahpo cries. Yeah, baby.

“Actually, your actions caused the ship’s destruction, but before your people could perish, we safely transported all of them back where they belong,” Older KJ informs the crying bearded bastard. Yeah, baby.

Jahpo doesn’t believe that shit! Why won’t they do that to young Erin over here? Or the rest of the papergirls? Get them the fuck out of here, know what I’m sayin’?

Apparently, Jahpo “Pops” Grand Father isn’t meeting these time crusaders on his end of the bargain. Meanwhile, Tiff is gripping a small iPod as hard as she can – hard enough to draw blood – and repeating the same mantra over and over again: “We’re not just papergirls, we’re friends.”

Jahpo ain’t gonna play nice anymore. “After all the friends I lost on C-Day, I won’t negotiate with terrorists, not even when the very continuum is on the line.”

WHO ARE THE REAL TERRORISTS HERE?! This is still something I’m struggling to actually grasp. Where’s the big ol’ twist where Jahpo and Co. are actually doing the good and the nice guys are actually doing the bad? Huh?! I’m waiting for it…

“This isn’t a negotiation, it’s a blood oath,” Older KJ grits her teeth. Everyone needs to agree to stop moving through four-dimensional space. They’ll stop if Jahpo stops. If even so much as a MOLECULE of Jahpo’s dick traverses through four-dimensional space, then it’s still the WILD, WILD WEST.

“But,” Jahpo’s eyes get wide and sad. “You’re talking about the end of time travel.”

Erin is crying. “Don’t you want this stupid war to end?”

“I do,” Jahpo closes his eyes. “Which is why I’ve fallen for empty gestures from our descendents before.” He lifts his gun and says “I’m sorry”, which fans may recognize as the only future vision from KJ that we hadn’t yet observed.

Old Tiff and Older KJ apologize too, because it wasn’t just Jahpo and Erin that they whisked away from 2016… wait for it… ha! A fucking Editrix! How do you like them apples, huh? *humps the air*

The Editrix shoots him in the shoulder with a laser blast. It looks like it hurts. That’s the only commentary I have about that.

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Kids these days and their lack of appreciation for not being killed by crazy four-dimensional pyramid monsters…

While Jahpo rants, the Editrix wraps itself around his arm. Editrixes are the visions-of-the-past flavor of monster, as we’ve seen with Tiff and her Arkanoid flashbacks. Jahpo sees visions of his life in reverse order: Old Wari, what I assume is C-Day, basic training, a WATCH recruitment poster, he and Wari as children eating lunch with Braunstein, and toddlin’ and babyin’ in 11,706 BCE with Young Wari.

Jahpo’s old eyes become as big as dang ol’ moons. “I’ll be damned.”

He wasn’t the man he thought he was, if you could even call him a man! He gets on his knees. “The Stones were wrong. Time isn’t on anyone’s side, is it?” Maybe next he should go kick Mick Jagger’s ass.

Jahpo begrudgingly agrees to the terms. That’s it. It’s done. No heroic final battle. No boss fight. Disappointment abounds. “Does that mean we get to go home?” Erin asks. Yes, they will be kicked to the curb in 1988, November 1, a few hours after they discovered the time capsule. No memories of their adventure will exist, they’ll move on with their lives, their older counterparts will be very surprised when their young counterparts show up, etc. etc.

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Yee-haw, motherfuckers!

“I know it sounds like a lot, but removing all of the trauma you were exposed to is actually the least we could do,” Jahpo says, looking tired as all get-out. To reiternate, none of them want that. They all had a lot of fun! KJ likes mackin’ on Mac. Also hover boots.

Nope, gotta get rid of the memories. “Anything you picked up during your travels has to stay behind,” Older KJ touches her forehead, “including what’s in here.”

Don’t forget that KJ killed someone. She doesn’t want that weighing on her conscious for the rest of her life, right! In cold blood, too. Just like “fuck you” and bang goes the gun.

Mac tells the time travel gurus to just get on with the memory wiping already. If anything, it’ll be nice forgetting that she’s going to die in a few years. KJ looks sad, but Mac has accepted that what needs to be done needs to be done. “And who knows?” Mac continues her train of thought as the all hold each other’s hands, “Even if the four of us are destined to lose touch, at least we’ll have–”

She doesn’t get to finish that sentence! ZAP! Mac gets vaporized in a brilliant violet light, gone back to 1988.

“I… I didn’t even get to say goodbye!” KJ cries.

“And all the pain you’re feeling is about to disappear, too,” Old Tiff says. Then ZAP!

“We’re not just papergirls,” Young Tiff repeats her mantra, “we’re–” ZAP!

Before Erin gets ZAP!ped, she muses on Eve and the apple. Eve was right all along, she wasn’t evil. She was smart.

“Does anyone know what the hell she’s talking about?” 19 Erin asks. Ah yes, the Bible. “That’s just another silly old story… written by a bunch of dudes.”

ZAP!

Final Thoughts

One issue left. What more of the story could there possibly be? The girls are back, they need to have had forgotten everything. What’s done is done.

My guess is that Marty McFly will come crashing through Erin’s house in his DeLorean like he’s Anne Heche.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Sucky Funnies for June 4, 2023

I spent the entirety of Spring 2023 avoiding the Sunday comics page, and I’m better for it! For instance, I spent that extra time I usually waste reading funnies by planting trees, volunteering at a homeless shelter, and knitting hats to sell for mere pennies on Etsy.

Or I jacked off for 90 days or something. Let’s get on with it.

Arlo and Janis

Arlo and Janis - June 4, 2023

Click for Larger

My buddies Arlo and Janis spend an evening not using their premium subscriptions to any of their various streaming services. Just kidding! These two are perpetually stuck in 1985 when Back to the Future reigned surpreme and children were getting abducted and murdered left and right!

“I’ve always liked Flo!” = wrong. Flo sucks.
“I love the lizard! He’s so cute!” = wrong. The lizard sucks.

That’s about all I have to say here. Oh, no wait. Panel #4 is the best, where Janis’ hatred for the commercials selling the cars with the kids driving the cars like the streets were like the video game about the cars driving in the streets is so profound that she becomes the pitch black living embodiment of malice and spite!

I also like that there is absolutely no TV in this comic strip. These two are losing their marbles. Maybe a divorce is in order.

Pluggers

Pluggers - June 4, 2023

Click for Larger

Thanks to Shirley Brookins for being passive-aggressive about your snootiness toward state-of-the-art technology like “computers” and “printers”. No one wants to receive a handwritten cursive note anymore. No one can read your handwriting anyway, Shirley. Your handwritten letters get tossed in the garbage along with the AARP newsletter and the Medicare promotional 0% APR credit cards.

Mary Worth

Mary Worth - June 4, 2023

Click for Larger

Since I started the Sucky Funnies Sunday feature, Mary Worth has jumped to the top of my favorite comic strips of all time. Bite me, Calvin & Hobbes. Where are your dogs wearing bowties?

Jumping into the middle of a Mary Worth arc with zero context is one of the greatest joys in life. There’s nothing I could say that is funnier than the subject matter at hand. Except that I think the guy in the penultimate panel is Diedrich Bader. I’d appreciate some confirmation of this from anyone (you) who might be reading this (my blog). Thank you.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 – “Father’s Pride”

* Part 6 of 7 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 – “Father’s Pride”! In the previous installment, an incredibly butthurt Eddie Brock faces the consequences of submerging himself in black goo, but comes out powerful in the end. Peter and MJ sort of kind of make up, but since he won’t give up the Spider-Man gig then she won’t go back to him.

The issue ends with a standoff: Peter Parker and Venom Brock. In the rain.

And now I’m grabbing some Doritos. I’ll be right back…

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 [May, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Father’s Pride”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

…ok, thanks for waiting! Spider-Man is going to get choked out by Venom Brock and I’m here for it. I’ll lap that shit up like a dog. Spidey’s getting too big for his britches, throwing his 90 pounds of weight around. I’m sick of it!

Parker watches a tape of his father talking about the origins of cancer, how his own father had cancer, and how he wants to eradicate cancer before he dies. It didn’t happen. Plane crash. Keep up.

“With our invention – the suit – we were treading ground no one had even come near before… …and it blew up in our face.”

He talks about failing, how he feels about the failing, how he didn’t think at first they were failing, and other musings surrounding the notion of failing. “Sometimes – even while you’re in the act of trying something, you know deep down you’re going to fail. But you go ahead anyhow.” Yeah, that’s called wasting time. Being dumb. Not necessarily failing, but sucking! I hope that helps.

Parker and Venomous Brock are standing off in the rain. “Eddie… please tell me you didn’t do this to yourself on purpose.”

RAWR! OF COURSE HE DID! RAAWWRR! Brock shoots out a mess of seaweedy entwined tendrils with some spikes at the end. Parker catches it unharmed and asks Brock to allow him to help before things get even more out of control.

“OUR FATHERS DIED TO CREATE ME – AND NOW YOU WILL TOO!!”

“Yeah.. you said that already.”

Gettin’ cheeky, and Parker doesn’t have time to get cheekier before Brock throws him to the ground. “I gotta get outta here with this,” Parker things, face getting pushed into the ground. “Now I’m fighting super-villains on school grounds? In my civilian clothes? Without my web shooters?” I mean, yeah, MJ has been telling you for MANY ISSUES how fucked up all this is. But does anyone listen?? Does anyone listen?? Is anyone listening?? Hello?? Is anyone there?? Am I alone?? Hello?? Am I all alone?? Hello?? Is everyone dead?? Am I dead?? Does anything exist??

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Eddie, stop it or you’ll – AARRGHH!! – turn me into triplets!

Brock keeps snarling and frothing while Parker spouts inanities like “this isn’t you, Brock” and “snap out of it, Brock” and “why are you doing this, Brock” and “where are my underpants, Brock”.

“Oh man, he’s gonna die in that thing,” Parker thinks, staring at the big, black, pulsating mass. “I escaped by the skin of my teeth and I have big-time spider powers. Eddie’s just a guy – and he isn’t even in that great a’shape.”

Parker continues offering help. Brock thwacks him in the face. Now he’s gone and done it! Parker’s big guns are coming out! *flails hands in a hissy fit* Then he jumps over him and runs away. Brock follows, jumping and swinging around. Parker wonders how it’s even possible that he’s doing what he’s doing, imitating these deft Spider moves. Perhaps the suit has muscle memory? Perhaps the suit is POWERFUL?? Maybe the suit is made of tiny little suits? I don’t know, but maybe you do!

“How could he do that to himself? Did he do that to himself on purpose? He’s kinda acting like he did. Uch – how many friends do I have to lose in this superhero crap? Harry, MJ, now this. And he’s angry at me. He’s so angry at me that he would kill me? Is he really like that? Or is it the suit?”

Wow, his thoughts are really going a mile a minute here. Let me answer these questions simply: 1) shut up, 2) shut your trap.

The fighting keeps going. And the jumping. There is just so much jumping and fighting.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Oh, you boys. Stop tussling and come get some chocolate chip cookies!

They’re on the roof of a tall building, which isn’t the smartest place to have a fight, but every superhero tends to like fighting on roofs for some reason. Venom knocks Parker down over the edge and they both fall through some power lines. This is what snapped Parker out of it before, so maybe it’ll work here. I’m sure it will! Otherwise, what’s the point? Just to ruin some power lines? Please.

They land on a car and then cause another car to screech into a wall, endangering civilian lives and causing nothing short of a ruckus! Brock is on the ground groaning and moaning, the Venom suit looking like a cheap foam rubber costume now. Parker thinks they’re finally in the clear, but then it’s suddenly SNARL again and Venom leaps at his face with hundreds of razor-sharp teeth.

Brock intends to encase Parker within the suit. “LOOK AT YOU NOW!! LOOK AT YOU NOW!! A THIEF AND A LIAR! YOU KNEW, PARKER!! YOU KNEW WHAT MY FATHER HAD CREATED – MY FATHER WAS A GENIUS!!”

Yeah yeah yeah. *jerkoff motion that lasts ten years*

The suit is very close to encasing Parker completely, but then he bursts out of it at the last second. Brock keeps gibbering about the suit needing him for it to survive. It needs more than just Brock. The suit needs to eat, it’s hungry. The suit is tired of salad. The suit wants some meat.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Listen, we could debate about who lied to who until the cows come home. And they won’t be home any time soon, let me tell you.

Parker hits Brock with a tire, breaking a handful of his Venom teeth. “Sit down, Eddie,” is all he has to say while doing this. It’s time for the useless police to show up so they can rub their dicks up against each other and then purposely shoot black people before leaving to get donuts. “LIE ON THE GROUND WITH YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD!!” one screams at the not-encased-in-the-demon-suit kid. Then they notice the encased-in-the-demon-suit kid and start shooting their many, many bullets at it. Brock gets hit while Parker scurries up the side of the building, you know, like one of those arachnid type creatures.

Brock keeps getting shot. Bullets keep flying through him. He’s gonna be dead soon. Pour one out, homies.

As this is happening, the voice of Richard Parker continues talking. “You’re going to find that there are people in this world – people who you are going to look at and say: why is this person like this? Why did this person do that to themselves? And I swear to you, if you stare at them for fifty years… you’ll never understand why they are the way they are.”

In a giant burst of white light and energy, Venom Brock shrieks like a horny baboon and disintegrates into a smoldering mess.

“I have people like that in my life, people who just are their own worst enemy. And instead of dealing with it – coming to terms with it – all they do is lash out at you. Blame you for their own problems…”

The cops yell at Parker to get back to the ground, and they start shooting at him too as he scuttles on the wall.

“People everywhere reacting without thinking. Lashing out. They don’t even know why.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Here, I did you a favor and screenshotted this one so you can read what he has to say! lol, I’m so fucking funny. A real riot.

This ends sadly. His dad goes on to say that, at the end of every crappy day, he gets to come home and see his son. That makes it all worth it. And he and his mother can’t wait to see the man that Peter grows up to be!

Final Thoughts

Here are my final thoughts. This story went way too quickly to actually see Eddie Brock actually look like a complete asshole. The only nefarious stuff he did was make a move on Gwen and react like a man, and then stick his hand in a jar. He didn’t know what would happen. He didn’t know he would’ve wanted to kill anymore.

Poor pacing! Awful! D-


Click here to ridicule this post!

The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 7 – “Ghost in the Machine”

The X-Files

“On Halloween, Mulder and Scully investigate the death of a corporate executive who may have been murdered by a thinking computer.“

Oh Jesus Christ. This episode is going to suck elephant ass, isn’t it? “Hey Scully, computer AI has been working toward sentience for decades and it’s only a matter of time before one of them pulls a knife on you and slashes you to tiny little ribbons.” — “Hey Mulder, why don’t you go fuck yourself, okay?”

I’d rather these two get high and listen to Ghost in the Machine by the Police.

EURISKO WORLD HEADQUARTERS, CRYSTAL CITY, VIRGINIA! Some disheveled, insufferable nerd named Brad who is wearing baggy clothes and John Lennon glasses is yelling at a the CEO of the software company that Brad kickstarted years ago back before computers were but a twinkle in anyone’s eye! CEO, Benjamin Drake, wants to downsize, and Brad is like “YOU’RE KILLING MY COMPANY BLAAAARRG!!”

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Don’t fuck with my shit, man! I own this town! I own this town and I own this $4 T-shirt!

Little does this handsome CEO with the silver streaks at his temples know, the computer surveillance system is watching his every move in his office. The computer tricks him into entering his executive bathroom by flooding the place and ringing phones and locking doors and electrocuting him when he tries to stick his key in the keyhole. After the guy is dead, a booming voice comes from the really outdated computer: “FILE DELETED!”

Spooky! Sounds like one of the X-Files I’ve been hearing so much about lately! Mulder is going to be all over this one like his cum on an alien egg.

At the FBI headquarters, a real slimey-looking piece of shit agent is looking for Mulder. He’s Mulder’s old partner, Jerry, and Scully looks jealous. Jerry’s got a real humdinger of a case here: a computer did murder. Mulder doesn’t want to take it, but Jerry begs him. Jerry looks like he’s wearing a retainer.

So, since they have nothing better to do than chase UFOs and eat protoplasm burgers, Mulder and Scully head to Eurisko to scope things out. “How do you like that? A politically correct elevator,” Mulder smirks when the computer talks to them, a feature for the visually impaired. The computer must have heard this cute little quip, because the elevator suddenly jolts and sends them up more flights than they intended. Oh well, it’s probably nothing!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Have you ever been trapped in an elevator with a man for 40 hours, Scully?

Investigation of the lock that killed the CEO shows that the key completed the circuit on a faulty electrical component. “Faulty”, huh? OR, someone tampered with it. Much like Mulder tampers with so many alien eggs.

At the FBI House of Pancakes, the gruesome twosome join Jerry in briefing their dead CEO case to the higher-ups. Electrocution homicide is rare, like a good steak, which leads Jerry to believe that their perp is playing a game. Like Operation, except with less electricity! See, that’s called a funny joke I did. Mulder is mad, and we’ll see why in the next scene. Watch, I know it. He’s going to do some of that barely-angry confrontin’.

Jerry stole some notes about the case from Mulder’s desk. He claims he just filled in the blanks, what’s the big deal? Hehehe. Then he walks away.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Don’t give me that sexy look, you sexy Fox!

Time to head back to Crystal City again, because there was exactly one name on the suspect list: Brad Wilczek, the computer nerd who owns only one shirt.

This unwashed loser talks himself up while rebuking the visions and decisions of the stuffed shirts and suit-and-tie motherfuckers in his company. They only care about numbers and spreadsheets and counting their tiny, little beans. Brad is a VISIONARY! He followed the Grateful Dead around, you know.

“Let me show you something — Smart Home.” Brad turns on a TV screen with three different colors on it. It’s a high-tech surveillance system, years ahead of Microsoft and Sony and Nintendo and NeoGeo. Brad designs this shit, son, and he also designed the system at Eurisko… … … and if you even THINK that he committed murder, well, he’s going to eat his shirt! Don’t test him.

That evening, Scully drafts up her report. “Is Brad Wilczek a genius? I don’t know. But I do know this for certain: He has a predilection for elaborate gameplaying. He has an intimate knowledge of the Eurisko building. And he has a demonstrable motive for killing Benjamin Drake.” So if he’s so fucking smart, how come he’s going to be found guilty? Sap.

Elsewhere, Eurisko’s computer has hacked into Scully’s and pulled up her report draft. This woman’s gonna get got, I can just feel it.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

Oh shit, Scully. Not the Blue Screen of Data Intercept!

Mulder and Scully are having a little sleepover in Mulder’s office, going over tapes, when Jerry knocks on the door and does a not-really-an-apology. BUT HEY, Jerry’s struggling man. He’s got assignments mopping floors and scooping up gruel for orphans now. He needs to earn his carrot again! That’s a phrase I didn’t just make up, right?

They kiss and make up, sort of, and Mulder pulls Jerry in to check out what they’ve been looking into. They borrowed some cool software from Georgetown to analyze speech patterns. The voice system in the Eurisko computer matches Brad Wilczek’s voice! Cool, huh? It only cost the FBI $40,000,000 worth of taxpayer money to confirm this, but it was dang worth it. I guess this means that Brad is guilty (?). Jerry’s gonna go get him! Please, Mulder, he needs a win, man! Let him have a win! And Mulder’s a nice guy. Too nice. It’s one of his many weaknesses, just above alien eggs.

From home, Brad tries to hack into Eurisko’s computer with no luck. Angry and panicked, he runs to the Eurisko building to sit at the computer console. Jerry, meanwhile, enters the building and makes himself at home. Brad, the super brain genius, is having a hard time outsmarting the computer and is realizing that its AI has advanced to the point of actual conversation. Like, damn.

Jerry enters the elevator, but sensing the threat, the computer interrupts Jerry’s elevator ride and sends him plummeting down the shaft from the 30th floor. Brad tries to stop it before it’s too late, but all he can do is watch it happen. In a nice moment of “whoops, we fucked up” during production and directing, Jerry is seen through the surveillance camera pinned to the floor of the elevator when he should, instead, be pinned to the ceiling if the elevator is falling. Color me livid.

Mulder watches the footage of Jerry’s descent. Mulder also watches the concurrent footage of Brad panicking and looking helpless. Odd. He tells Scully that Brad probably didn’t do it, and now Scully begins her exasperation for the episode. She tells him to go home and jerk off and take a much-needed rest. Your “best” buddy just died in an elevator. Give yourself a little tender me-time, buckaroo.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

This is the third friend Fox Mulder lost in an elevator accident. First was Jimmy Crandall, who pressed all the buttons on the Sears tower elevator and starved to death. Second was Matt “Elevator Daredevil” Jones, who crashed his motorcycle into the elevator’s closed doors.

NO! NO TENDER ME-TIME YET! Mulder travels to Brad’s residence where other higher-level agents tell him he’s out of his jurisdiction. Directionless, Mulder turns to the Deepest of Throats for some of that well-informed guidance! Brad Wilczek is under investigation by some REALLY GOOD agents of the FBI because of his incredible advancements in AI technology. The Department of Defense wants it all for themselves.

Mulder visits Brad in jail, who keeps insisting he’s guilty. Mulder argues that he’s innocent. Brad tells Mulder he’s full of beans.

“After the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Robert Oppenheimer spent the rest of his life regretting he’d ever glimpsed at an atom,” Brad swallows.
“Oppenheimer may have regretted his actions, but he never denied responsibility for them,” Mulder rebuts.

Brad knows that, in the hands of the government, some scientific discoveries and advancements are too dangerous. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake Oppenheimer did. Mulder still insists that he’s innocent. It’s a killing machine now! Sentient! Conscious! It’s its own entity now, and with that comes accountability! So let’s destroy that cocksucker.

Scully says blaming the machine is a cop-out. Mulder is like “no”. Scully says there’s no way that this AI is advanced beyond DECADES and DECADES of current technology. Mulder is like “‘fraid so”. And then Mulder leaves again to go talk to Brad and destroy that cocksucker.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

They make computers now that can fondle your prostate, Scully. I’ve seen them. They’re incredible.

Scully gets a call at 1:30am that’s just static-y white noise. She checks her computer, which is currently being visibly accessed by someone. She asks for a trace on the call. Once she learns it’s coming from Eurisko, she agrees to help Mulder and Brad destroy that cocksucker.

The two sharply-dressed Federal B of I agents try to enter the building’s parking garage, but the gate comes down and smashes the car. Mulder is casual about this computer having just tried to kill both of them and he says “let’s take the stairs!” So they do. And then the electricity goes out. So it’s flashlight time, and they stumble and bumble their way to the relevant floor. With some quick thinking, Mulder dons a rubber glove and sticks a screwdriver in to the keyhole, which sends sparks flying EVERYWHERE. I’m talking sparks EVERY WHICH WAY, man. He could’ve been killed! lol

They continue maneuvering around the stairwell looking for another way in: the vents. OK, I’m done commenting on this part because it takes them about two hours to move through. Let’s cut to the chase: Mulder makes it out, but Scully gets stuck. The computer starts blowing air through the vents at about 120 miles per hour. She bounces around like a pinball and almost gets chopped up by some fan blades. We’ll get back to her in a minute, I’m sure she’s fine.

Mulder is in the control room now trying to use his TI-82 graphing calculator knowledge to override the computer. It works. He works on installing a virus, but the building’s current systems engineer pulls a gun on him. He’s Claude Peterson, a mole for the Department of Defense, and he’s not going to let Mulder get away with… oh, Scully made it out. Who’s pointing the gun at who now, eh?

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 7 - Ghost in the Machine

It wouldn’t be an episode of X-Files without Dana “Annie Oakley” Scully pulling out a gun!

“This operation is more sensitive than you can possibly imagine,” the mole says, telling Scully that she’s making a huge mistake and that she and Mulder will hang for this shit. Mulder installs the virus. The computer goes haywire. Mulder inseminates some alien eggs. The computer eventually shuts down. It says bye to Brad.

A cozy bench chat between Mulder and Deep Throat ensues. The government has detained Brad Wilczek. The computer has been completely killed and the defense department is unable to salvage any trace of the AI. Killed. Dead. Immoral if you think about it, huh?

The defense department has six hours to find a trace of AI before the computer goes to the metal shredder. The AI blips on… unbeknownst to the systems engineer…

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 8 — “Ice”
Scully is having a party and instructs Mulder to go buy bags of ice at the convenience store. Mulder gets sidetracked and plays Space Invaders at the arcade for eight hours.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “No Fear”

* Part 2 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “No Fear”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan is back, baby! There’s some reminiscing about when he first became a Green Lantern, reminiscing about joining the Air Force, reminiscing about Coast City, and then running into a hot pilot named Captain Jillian Pearlman! The seeds of Geoff Johns’ “epic run”, as it’s called, have been sowed.

There’s also a Terminator-type robot guy killing people. We’ll get to that soon too.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [August, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“No Fear”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Welcome to a desert in the middle of nowhere! The Terminator-type guy is walking slowly down the right lane of the only road within 8,000,000 miles. A bus approaches, and instead of easily going around him on this desolate highway, the driver decides to stay close behind and holler at him. Stuff like “We got a schedule to keep!” and “Hey buddy! You need a lift or somethin’?” and “Wham bam, thank you ma’am!”

“SIGNIFICANT LIFE SIGNS REGISTERED. TOTAL COUNT: SEVENTY-THREE. SECONDARY DIRECTIVE ACTIVE. TERMINATE ALL LIFE.”

He lifts up his hand and BAKOOM! He blows the bus up into a millions pieces of shrapnel and skeleton bones!

With that taken care of, Terminator walks away from the smoldering pile of what used to be a bus. He passes by a sign that indicates a 17-mile drive to Edwards Air Force Base. “PRIMARY DIRECTIVE REINSTATED. LOCATE PREDECESSOR. NOTIFYING THE GRANDMASTER. CLOSE ENCOUNTER IMMINENT.”

Exciting! This guy is going to blow everyone up at the base! He’s going to be like “Hi there, Colonel! BAKOOM!” and “Nice to see you, General! “BAKOOM!” Just an endless stream of BAKOOMs. BAKOOMs all around.

Speaking of Edwards Air Force Base, Hal Green Jordan Lantern is informing Captain Jillian “Hot Blonde” Pearlman that there is a U.F.O. under the hood of the jet she was piloting. Which is cuckoo bananas, one might say. I wouldn’t say that, but you might.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

It’s fresh Jell-O.

Hal zaps his ring at the U.F.O. to analyze its composition or whereabouts or how much free space is left on its hard drive. While he does this, Pearlman touches both his shoulder and his side to bend down to get a closer look. Very slick, lady! She burns her hand on his green shoulder, but comments that his black side is cold. The green part isn’t fabric, lady. That’s the only explanation he gives her.

Scanning complete. “Scramjet manufactured within three radius miles. Inlet design Australian in origin. Combustion chamber extraterrestrial in origin. Space sector unknown.”

There is something strangely familiar about the design, Hal observes. Maybe he helped build this thing in Sector 7G during his MOON MISSIONS or whatever it is Green Lanterns do in their respective sectors. I imagine there are a lot of moon missions. Why not? There are a lot of moons, after all.

A man named General Stone rides up to the scene. Captain Pearlman. And… Green Lantern. It appears the reports of your death were wrong.” What’s up with everyone’s obsession over Hal Jordan dying. So he didn’t die, big whoop. People don’t die every day.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Stone says, extending a hand. Jordan just frowns as a response. Methinks there’s some bad blood between these two, except for the part where Stone said “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I thought people knew the identities of the Green Lanterns? We’re shown a flashback of a confrontation Hal Jordan had with General Stone back in the day. Here’s the gist: Hal Jordan went nuts in the air, almost killing himself and another pilot while doing being a sky-high Evel Knievel. General Stone is like “I owe your dad a lot, so I’m not kicking you out of the Air Force,” and Hal Jordan responds in kind by punching him right in the face. Seems very excessive to me, but I’ve never been in the Air Force. Perhaps this is just how they greet each other warmly!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Bazinga!

General Stone commands the test flight center now, which I think I might have to capitalize now that I’ve written it out. You can’t go back and fix these things, you know. This means Hal Jordan will never get back in until Stone gives his stamp of approval. Never gonna happen.

Stone instructs Pearlman to hop in his jeep to get a ride to the hospital. The jet will be taken to Engineering for repairs. When Pearlman asks him what she was flying, he responds with a hearty “It’s classified.”

“It’s extra-terrestrial,” Jordan butts in. Stone thanks him for his assistance, icily, but the Air Force will take it from here. Good day.

Remember the knuckleheads that were transporting the truck with the tarp? They’re on a lonely desert road – perhaps the same lonely desert road where a certain Terminator blew up a certain bus! – when one notices that the wall behind their seats is really hot. Plus, there’s some kind of moaning going on in the back there. It’s really unsettling. It sounds like someone’s rickety old grandpa.

“We’re under strict orders to get there by thirteen hundred,” says the driver. “Whether we’re hot or sick or, in your case, crazy. So please stop.”

Ugh, fine. Just remember, one they dump this truck off at the Air Force base it becomes General “Hangin’ with Aliens” Stone’s problem. So zip it.

On the scene at Barstow, California, where Terminator done blew up the diner, John Stewart and some state police officers are assessing the situation with John’s own special glow-in-the-dark ring. There is no trail, no evidence, and all the readings are scattered. Hope that helps, gentlemen.

Hal calls him on the ring phone. John’s gonna check out the tour bus “crash”. Hal Jordan is gonna hang out at his apartment! The duties are split evenly, and this is exactly the way it should be.

Jim Jordan (again, NOT the shitty congressman) is looking at an old photo in Hal’s apartment, reminiscing, eating all the food in the house. “I’m sorry I had to fly out like that,” Hal apologizes, making sure he put emphasis on the “fly” part of his sentence for a humorous effect! Jim’s going to head back home, but he’s hoping that Hal will join him. First Dad, then Mom, then Hal? Jim is terrified of losing his family, and now that Hal’s back he wants to hang onto for dear life.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Hey, your dad was Ronald Reagan!

“Where were you, Hal?”

“It’s a long story, Jim.”

Well, sit back and tell it, Hal! We have dozens of Green Lantern issues to get through here goddamnit!

Nope!

“What matters now is that I’m here.”

Ugh! Cop out!

Jim tells Hal about how bummed Mom was when he joined the Air Force, and Hal already knows that. She wouldn’t even talk to him, Jim. She wouldn’t even open her mouth and say words at him. “She was on her death bed and she wouldn’t talk to me,” he says, scratching his chin delicately. “Not until I quit…”

Exactly! Quitting! Quitting is the noble thing to do! Give up the Air Force, the ring, and everything it all stands for and move to Sacramento with Jim so you can be really boring and get an office job selling paper clips to other paper clip companies.

Nope!

“I won’t live in fear, Jim. I can’t.”

Cop out!

Later, Hal returns to the base to speak with Col. Shane Sellers. He wants to speak with him about General “Herc” Stone. The “Herc” part is real, I didn’t make that up and give him the nickname of that guy from The Wire. Sellers is like “just fucking apologize, Hal, and get it over with you colossal dingus”. Hal doesn’t care about that, he wants to know what else Stone does besides run the Test Center (I capitalized it that time!).

The plane, it’s weird, Sellers. Very strange. Strange stuff, Sellers. It’s not of Earth, see? Extra-terrestrial. Skyward. From Mars, see? From Mars, Sellers. Strange, strange stuff.

“The X-2020? It’s been in development for years,” Sellers explains. “It’s supposed to be the fastest jet on Earth.”

Yeah, well, there’s a dang U.F.O. inside it! How’s that for development? And Stone is charge of the test flights. Sellers points to Hangar 44, a top secret hangar that requires major clearance to get to. We’re talking blowjobs for every private guarding the thing. Real sloppy ones, too, or else it’s back to square one.

They walk toward the truck with the tarp…

“Listen, when you talk to General Stone… you need to do something I don’t think I’ve seen you do,” Sellers says. And we can all guess what that is! Get your head out of your ass, Hal Jordan. It’s cavernous and you could get lost for days in there. “Admit you made a mistake. And tell him why you did it.” Sellers is going to set up a meeting with Hal and Stone tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your chin out of the rain. Or something.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

It’s either ALF or it’s Roger from American Dad. Both are terrifying, but I’d rather take my chances with ALF.

Hal’s ring starts getting kooky and scans the immediate area for threats. The two men in the truck look like they’re suffering from heat exhaustion… and then a fist punches through the wall and right between the backs of their heads. They run out of the car hollerin’. They don’t get very far.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOMM

Truck explodes. Men die. The full circle of life.

…NO… …M-M-MAN… …ESCAPES…

This particular Terminator dude looks worse for wear. One arm missing below the elbow. A chunk of his hip gone. A piece of a calf. He looks like he needs a hug, honestly.

Jim Jordan leaves Coast City while a news report airs that Coast City rebuilding could be halted as early as next year due to low residency and tourism, despite all the funding from mofos like Bruce Wayne. “Sorry bro,” Jim says as he cruises the fuck on out of there.

TIME TO FIGHT A TERMINATOR. Hal Jordan’s ring has finished scanning. “Manhunter. Three point three billion years in age. Member of an android race created by the Guardians of the universe. Predecessors of the Green Lantern Corps. The Manhunters were determined unreliable for space patrol. Flaw found within basic artificial intelligence core unit. The manhunters feel no emotion. Programming inefficient to replicate courage, compassion, or fear.”

Whoops, sounds like a major SNAFU to me, Guardians. I’m starting to really think you guys all suck ass. They tried to neutralize and exile all the Manhunters, but, like, heh heh, well…

The point of origin of this particular Manhunter is BIOT, the Manhunter homeworld. Its location is unknown. Try the Sector located next to Space Denny’s.

The ring advises Hal to destory the Manhunter, but he’s like “no shit, Sherlock” and it’s much easier said than done.

Case in point:

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Get back out there and FIGHT, wuss!

It takes a second for Hal to realize he’s been blasted right into Hangar 44 and the alarms are going haywire. He sees a sleek ship parked and then he says something that means absolutely nothing to me: “My god… that ship… that’s Abin Sur’s ship. Reconstructed and rebuilt—”

He doesn’t have much more time to dwell on these thoughts. Manhunter collects his loose wires and wraps them around Hal’s scrawny pencil neck. “N-NO M-MAN …ESCAPESSS… THE MANHUNTERS.”

Yeah, well, Hal ain’t no man, all right! Carol Ferris can tell you that one. This is when the Mr. Bald Guy walks in, the OG Terminator, the one who destroyed the bus and the diner. “I don’t recognize him,” Hal thinks. “Must be some new superhero that appeared while I was gone.”

OG Terminator senses the green ring and lifts his burny hand. “SYSTEMS THREATENED.” Oh snap! That’s not good, right? *checks notes* Nope, not good!

He blasts Hal with some of that fiery energy, but he merely gets thrown back a bit.

“PREDECESSOR FOUND,” OG Terminator says, pointing toward Manhunter. “PROGRAM RUNNING… Manhunter 1988.2814. You are of original design. Flawed. Old. Obsolete. By order of the Grandmaster – you must be terminated.”

OG Terminator throws him against a wall. Now, bear with me here: OG Terminator is the first Terminator in the story. Manhunter, while original, is not the OG Terminator. Keep up.

Hal tries to Green Ring this bitch, but it doesn’t work. He gets thrown back again. All it did was destroy OG’s camouflage. It melts away and reveals his barely more frightening form. “SPACE SECTOR 2814 BELONGS TO US. IT BELONGS TO THE MANHUNTERS. AND NOTHING ESCAPES THE MANHUNTERS.”

Final Thoughts

There are only four issues left in the story, so methinks Hal and the rest of Sector 2814 escapes the Manhunters! Call it a hunch.


Click here to ridicule this post!