Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Flight Delay”

* Part 3 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Flight Delay”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan gets used to having his old powers back and it feels like a WELL-OILED GLOVE! Gross!

We learn about an ancient race of space cops, basically, called the Manhunters. The Air Force is transporting an obsolete version that is 3.3 billion years old for some reason, but the one walking around blowing up diners and buses is a new version that’s designed to do two things: 1) find the obsolete versions and destroy them, and 2) kill anything else in its path.

So here’s the enemy that Hal has to beat, and I bet somewhere along the line Sinestro will show up to be like “I HATE YOU HAL JORDAN, BUT GRRRRR WE NEED TO TEAM UP”. Calling it now.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [September, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Flight Delay”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Cover art suggests a really boring fight is afoot. Someone’s going to hand Manhunter ver. 2.0 his own butt on a platter.

EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE. HANGAR 44. New Manhunter is giving Old Manhunter the business. “YOUR SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE MUST BE ACTIVIATED. DO YOU COMPLY?”

No, bitch, he doesn’t comply. He tries shooting Old Manhunter, but then Hal Jordan touches his butt with the talking green ring. “You are in violation of Section Six-Five-Two of the Book of Oa. Endangering innocent life within an authorized military installation. Dismantling procedures have been approved and encouraged.”

Fat chance. The Manhunter Union Local 289 doesn’t recognize Green Lantern shenanigans as an official authority on anything. Not even breakfast. “GREEN LANTERN 2814.1 — YOUR DEATH IS WELL-DOCUMENTED. YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE. YOU ARE OUTDATED. YOU ARE OBSOLETE.”

Well… that’s quite true, actually. Hal Jordan should be dead and buried in the ground, turning more and more into bones as each day passes.

Manhunter shoots his little missile at Hal, which flies across the room like a paper airplane and whacks him on the side of the head. It does literally nothing. Manhunter then grabs Hal’s ringed hand and tries to crush it. While he does this, Manhunter lifts open his face cover, revealing a green battery. Egads! He’s draining the power from the ring!

“Power levels at 65.4%.”

“Power levels at 24.8%.”

Egads! It’s draining faster than the batteries in a Sega Game Gear! Manhunter’s steel grip is impossible to wrest from! Egads! Is… this… the end… of… Hal… “Poopypants”… Jor–

Old Manhunter suddenly propels himself sky high from the building, which redirects New Manhunter’s attention. He blasts off to follow, and Hal recovers. These two lovebirds are headed west toward Coast City (“The City on the Coast”), and Hal only has 1.2% of juice left in his ring. Not enough to fly, call John Stewart, or authorize breakfast. He needs to borrow a jet before the Manhunter decides to explode. When a Manhunter explodes, it’s like seven Hiroshimas and three Nagasakis. It’s like a bunch of 9/11s and an insurrection.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3

My hero!

General Stone rides up to the scene and immediately tries to shove Hal Jordan along on his merry way. “We’re tracking the object,” he says. He tells him that the military has it under control, that it’s classified, that he shouldn’t get involved, and also he looks very pretty today in his green uniform. Hal returns the favor by punching the teeth out of his head.

Military personnel cock their guns and aim at Hal’s face. “I could have you arrested,” Stone grumbles, rubbing his flabby jaw. But… since he did, you know… save everyone’s lives… grumble grumble… he can borrow a jet. But just this once. If people in the base catch wind, they’ll all want to fly jets.

Coast City construction crews will need to evacuate the city, if they’re even there. Half the workers are playing Pokemon Omega Ruby in their underpants right now while their hotplates are heating up Salisbury steak TV dinners. I don’t know why I wrote that. It was funny to me.

Back in Sacramento, Jim Jordan with his happy wife and, therefore, happy life, is discussing his son’s desire to play football at school. Jim says NO! His wife Susan says HE LIEKS FOOTBALLZ! Jim says WAIT UNTIL HE IS EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE! Susan says YOU CAN’T PROTECT HIM FOREVER!

“Yeah,” says Jim and Susan’s meek, rather corpulent son. “All the other kids get to play.” STFU, kid. Who told you that you get a say in this matter?

The TV is turned to the news with a report of the Green Lantern returning to Coast City, and the subsequent halting of the city’s rebuilding project.

“Warning. Power levels 0.7%.” Meanwhile, Hal’s ring keeps using all its battery life warning him that it’s running out of battery life. Safely up in the sky where General Stone can’t punch him back, Hal requests (curtly) for Stone to be straight with him. Straight as an arrow, sir. Was that jet that Captain Pearlman was flying reverse engineered by a Manhunter?? No more bullshit, chief. The ring may be running out of power, but he can still make a large dent in his head with it.

“The development of the projects in Hangar 44 started long before the skies were crowded with ‘super-heroes’,” Stone says (curtly) over the phone. Butt out. “We picked up what pieces we could find and we started rebuilding the ship from the ground up. But we could never replicate its engine.”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3

They spent hours upon hours of smug frowning, but in the end it just couldn’t be done.

When the Manhunters showed up to attack Earth, they were able to pull a defeated one out of a Louisiana swamp. They couldn’t crack the A.I., but they could at least replicate the propulsion system. Thus, the jet.

Because they couldn’t figure out the computer motherboard CPU RAM Intel Pentium 4 400 MHz graphics card 1TB SSHD processor mouse clicks, they sent the robot back to Edwards Air Force Base. It reactivated itself seven weeks ago, and it must’ve sent a distress signal to the new one that we all know and love. “This was strictly for engine and computer development. No one was supposed to get hurt,” Stone adds unhelpfully.

Hal ambushes the Manhunter in the air, who immediately senses the threat and tries to neutralize it. KRRAAKKSHH! A punch right through the windshield. Well fuck, I guess Hal’s going to return a destroyed aircraft. What a piece of shit.

Manhunter lifts Hal with so much force that his arm almost pops out of his socket, which would have been hilarious! Arm all flopping around. At this point the engine fails at the same time his power ring reaches 0.0%. A winning combination of certain, fiery death! Let’s hope, for his sake, that it’s swift. Or slow. Whichever is funnier.

“SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED.” That’s the old Manhunter after the new Manhunter throws his metal missile thing right through the back of its head and through the eyeball. Old Manhunter shoots like a bullet right in the middle of a Coast City construction site. “DETONATION IN FORTY SECONDS.”

Hal is plummeting toward Earth, jet completely out of control despite his best efforts to not be completely, utterly screwed. Now that the old Manhunter has been taken care of, new Manhunter redirects his murdering efforts back toward Hal.

It’s unclear what happens next, but it looks like Manhunter blows up the jet and the flying debris knocks its face shield off, exposing his internal green battery face. Hal, now falling un-Green Lanternly, grapples onto the robot and sticks his ring right in its face. In an impossibly improbably unlikely turn of events, Hal charges up his ring immediately and gets Green Lantern-y again. He throws Manhunter’s head away, beams the falling jet away and prevents it from crashing into the city, and tends to the old Manhunter ticking timebomb. “Detonation in 30 seconds,” his ring says. “Estimated damage: Complete destruction within 25 miles.”

Well, oh snap and whatnot. Now what? If I were Hal I’d launch that fucker into outer space, OR, better yet, use magic Green Lantern powers to stop the bomb. Isn’t that something he can do?

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Twenty-five mile radius, man. This shouldn’t be hard. Send him to Jupiter.

While these two saunter through space, Manhunter starts admitting that he’s afraid. Afraid of what happens after self-destruction. After dying. Is there a Manhunter heaven? Does he worship a Manhunter Allah? Did Manhunter Jesus die for his Manhunter sins?

Moot! The robot blows up. Shrapnel and robot parts fly everywhere. Hal is like “buh” and heads back toward good ol’ Earth. Hal Jordan thinks that he accidentally summoned the new Manhunter for some reason. Something about having his ring fully powered up again. Not sure. I thought the old Manhunter sent out a distress signal. I thought that was already established. Continuity! Hal’s gonna check in with the cute and cuddly Kilowog, and then inform the Guardians, those useless, awful Smurfs.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #3

You want competition? I will kick your tight little ass at Monopoly.

Back at the base, Capt. Pearlman has passed her checkup and is ready to fly again! Whoosh! She bumps into Hal on the way out of the office and puts her hand up to his chest seductively… almost… like she knows… that maybe… the guy with the identical hair and identical face structure might POSSIBLY be Green Lantern? A stretch, certainly. “Hope you’re as good as Stone says,” she says after telling Hal that she has heard all about him from Col. Sellers. “’cause I’ve been missin’ something. Competition.”

Hal Jordan looks salty! Ain’t no WOMAN gonna show him what-for, y’heard? But that’s for another time, right now he needs to crawl his way into General Stone’s office and kiss his ass. After apologizing for his past transgressions, Stone agrees to let him back into the test flight program. “It’s be a great honor to have Green Lantern in the U.S.A.F.”

BUH-WHAT? HUH? MOI, THE GREEN LANTERN? SIR, ARE YOU HIGH ON MARIJUANA CIGARETTES? Nope! Stone recognized the signature Hal Jordan punch in the face! They shake hands, and Hal regrets this decision to rejoin the Force immediately.

Hal’s been ruminating upon Old Manhunter’s last words. The fear he had about being destroyed. “It ‘lived’ for over three billion years and it never felt a damn shred of emotion. And then – in its last moment of existence – it finally figures one out.” Three billion years and fear, of all things, is the dominate emotion. “Is this what I’m coming back to? Is this the strongest emotion in the universe? Is fear what controls everyone and everything?”

Then he decides to be fearless and fly around the Ghost Coast City having some Green Lantern fun! His brother’s family, driving around Coast City, gets to see the brilliant beam of green light as if Harry Potter himself is shooting out the Avada Kedavra final blow!

Elsewhere…

THE ARTIFICIAL PLANET OF BIOT. SPACE SECTOR: UNKNOWN

The Committee of Manhunters is having a meeting! The last recorded message from Old Manhunter before he exploded into 999 quadrillion pieces verified contact with the Green Lantern of Sector 2814.1. There is no doubt that the Corps is attempting reformation.

“Let them, my Manhunters,” speaks a mysterious hooded figure. “Your former leader lacked the personal investment in his program. I do not. We need the rings back online… and nothing will escape us… not even Hal Jordan.”

Pan to a bunch of unconscious Green Lanterns from other sectors strung up like puppets.

The End.

Final Thoughts

All right, so now we have the mysterious hooded figure trope in play here. One can only imagine who it is, and I’m sure it’ll be someone that everyone knows except for me! Like “Dorthar of Xyxus” or “Brown Lantern”.


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Caroline Polachek, The New Pornographers, and Black Country, New Road

Second time in one year! I’m on a roll! Here are reviews of albums by Caroline Polachek, the New Pornographers, and Black Country, New Road. It was right there in the title, man. I don’t like repeating myself.

Caroline Polachek – Desire, I Want to Turn Into You
(February 14, 2023)

Caroline Polachek - Desire, I Want to Turn Into You

Polachek’s 2019 album Pang remains unplayed on my iPhone. I lump her in with the sleepy female singer-songwriters who I tend to unfairly dislike: Julian Holter, Faye Webster, Julien Baker, Lucy Dacus, Half Waif, Phoebe Bridgers, Weyes Blood, Angel Olsen… Is that even accurate? Was Polachek’s music ever similar to any of these guys’? Am I an idiot?

Desire, I Want to Turn Into You fell within my radar after Pitchfork gave it a 8.7, and since I still get swayed by the publication like a pimple-faced hipster teenager thumbing through his mom’s record collection, I decided to give it a shot. I wasn’t impressed at first, honestly. I’m still not impressed, but I do like a fair bit of it. Some of these hooks are delicious, and Polachek’s range as a vocalist is a few steps above any of the previously mentioned artists. If I had to compare her vocal decisions to anyone, it would be Danny Elfman. There is a lot of wordless singing, naturally and fluidly moving between disparate pitches with ease. Occasionally bordering on yodeling. I don’t mind yodeling! Yodeling is hard to do!

Overall, this is a pure pop experience with electronic percussion, breathy singing, and strong melodies. Highlights include “Bunny is a Rider”, which I listened to about a thousand times on SiriusXMU because fuckin’ Josiah wouldn’t stop playing it. Within the context of the album, though, I learned to appreciate the song. Also my favorite, “Sunset”, features flamenco bounciness and a really cool vocal trill during the chorus. Then there are the little things, like those boops on beats 2 and 4 in “I Believe” and the overly happy bagpipes in “Blood and Butter”.

The final few tracks somewhat lose me. “Hopedrunk Everasking” is beautiful, yet sleepy (and Polachek needs to change the battery in her smoke alarm, Jesus Christ), as is “Butterfly Net”. And speaking of smoke alarm, “Smoke” is essentially a refrain of “Pretty In Possible”, which is cheating. And “Billions” has been floating around the radio since early 2022 so I’m sick of that one too.

I can see the hype! Desire… is a very enjoyable album. Here’s a fun fact: I was all like “wow, Polachek sounds like Grimes on ‘Fly to You'”, and then I saw who was featured on the song and then I was all like “lol”.

Early Verdict:

The New Pornographers – Continue as a Guest
(March 21, 2023)

The New Pornographers - Continue as a Guest

I’m happy to be gifted with a new new new New Pornographers album, having shamefully only been a fan since 2019’s In the Morse Code of Brake Lights but spent a great majority of the last 3.5 years absorbing and memorizing much of their whole amazing catalog. If I may be bold for a moment, I stand firmly with the opinion that Neko Case has the best voice in all of indie rock. It would be the hill I want to die on, but I already have many hills to die on queued up.

I greatly respect the New Pornos’ ability to craft some of the catchiest twee-adjacent melodies this side of Belle & Sebastian, which is why I must declare, with a heavy heart, that Continue as a Guest didn’t entirely grab me. Oh sure, “Really Really Light” is a memorable opener with its hazy, smoky harmonies. And try to get the chorus of “Pontius Pilate’s Home Movies” out of your head once you hear it. You’ll be singing “Now you’re clearing the room just like Pontius Pilate/When he showed all his home movies/All of his friends yelling/’Pilate! Too soon!’” for the rest of the day! After that, there’s not too much to write home about. It’s disappointing how much most of the tracks feel like throwaways, maybe B-sides from …Brake Lights. You get another uptick with the gorgeous chorus of “Marie and the Undersea”, but then it peters out for the rest of the album, culminating in a low effort melodic refrain track at the end. Repeated listens don’t bring out many hidden nuances or revelations. Three really good tracks amid a collection of songs of moderate quality at best and at worst.

So, of course, you can look to the lyrics. They’re as smart as a whip as ever. The Pontius Pilate song has my takeaway line: “The sun kept on rising ’til it floated away“. “Bottle Episodes” likens life to a low-budget TV show filler episode and repeats that “There should be a word for this/With our command of all the romantic languages“. “Firework in the Falling Snow” likens life to a big, loud, conspicuous blast that fizzles out just as quickly.

Having written most of the songs during COVID, the band loses it’s playful edge and mires itself in moody melancholy. Perhaps this is what I find unsettling about a band that has been nothing but playful for the last 25 years. Maybe I think it just doesn’t suit them very well.

Early Verdict:

Black Country, New Road – Live at Bush Hall
(February 20, 2023)

Black Country, New Road - Live at Bush Hall

Ugh. It’s frustrating. My favorite band of the 2020s has strayed from the path since their debut and they’re weaving in a direction that doesn’t satisfy my particular musical needs. I fell head over heels in love with For the first time. I wasn’t in love with Ants from Up There, but about half the tracks pack a cathartic punch. Now that de facto frontman and vocalist Isaac Wood had decided to quit his music career and bake cakes for a living, a new direction was mandatory. We have three vocalists now, presumably as insurance in case one of them follows Wood’s suit and has a nervous breakdown. Other than that, the band continues its foray into lavish proggy arrangements with the best damn virtuosity you’ll find in indie rock today. And it drives me nuts, because this isn’t what I want from the band. I want PALPABLE TENSION. I want PAIN AND SUFFERING. I want SKRONKY SAXOPHONES and WOMEN SAWING THEIR VIOLINS IN HALF. This stuff is too nice for me.

I love exactly two tracks. There’s the upbeat opener “Up Sound” with Jerry Lee Lewis piano-bangin’ that I THOUGHT was going to set the mood for the rest of the record. It doesn’t. I also like the only Lewis Evans-fronted track “Across the Pond Friend” because of its similarly upbeat nature. The rest of the live album is very forgettable melody-wise, which is the most important part of music to not be forgettable about.

I’m not going to take a complete dump all over this, because what Live at Bush Hall does to right is showcase an incredible band’s live sound, and it’s so close to their immaculately polished studio albums that you would not even believe that this was all recorded live if it weren’t for the clapping and cheering. The production is crisp, and not one of the band’s 45 members flubs a line, a note, a drum fill. I knew this band was impressive, but this is pretty fucking impressive even by the standards of impressiveness.

So this gets a big “Oh Well” face from me. I no longer look forward to the band’s direction, but at least I can look forward to the best playing you can hope for from a young rock band.

Early Verdict:


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Paper Girls, Issue #29

* Part 4 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 6 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #29! In the previous installment…

Tiff is urged to start communicating with her contemporaries, but a sudden rift in time has caused a massive amount of distrust. She sees KJ through a portal and things blow up.

Mac watched Braunstein die and then jumps into her time capsule, setting a course for November 1, 1988. Then things blow up.

KJ hangs out with Jude a bit and sees Tiff through a portal. And then things blow up.

Erin argues with Jahpo for about two minutes before he shoots one of those crazy upside-down pyramids. Something blows up.

You’re not going to understand any of this! Read the series yourself and then come back.

Paper Girls, Issue #29 [June, 2019]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Mac’s time capsule is zip zip zooming through time and space and she’s fucking yelling and flailing. “Warning: AppleX User Terms and Conditions have been updated. Our arrival point has been altered by a second party.”

Mac doesn’t know what any of that means, but she sighs defeated. “I’m never getting back to Stony Stream, am I?” she grumbles.

“…next stop, Stony Stream,” the computer chirps and unfurls a parachute. “Error 717: We are approaching the requested geographical location, but the incorrect temporal designation.”

Ah, so Stony Stream in a different time period, huh? What else is fucking new? “Time Capsule, what year is it? Are there gonna be goddamn dinosaurs when I step out there?”

It’s August 2, 1831. It’s about noon, but everyone in the town is asleep. Welcome, and enjoy your stay. Mac walks out onto the street, unnerved, cane at the ready for walloping anyone who tries any funny business. She asks the capsule how long it will take to get to 1988, but the capsule needs to preserve its remaining battery life for Qanta Braunstein’s last will and testament. “Confirmed, delivering to primary beneficiary,” it says before closing its door and vaporizing into thin air before Mac’s eyes.

She barely has time to process being stuck in 1831 when a kinda familiar faces pops in to say hi. “Thank goodness you made it, Mac. If your bad ass hadn’t survived to join us, the entire third dimension would have shattered like a… a… what do you call the top of a crème brulée?”

Old Tiff helps Mac off the ground.

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Would a lobotomy really be so bad? You get to have ice cream afterwards! …or is that a tonsillectomy? Does it really matter? Bring it on.

“Tiffany! You’re not dead yet!” Mac smiles profusely. 19 Erin clarifies Tiff’s claims a bit. They’re not trying to hurt anyone. They’re just as invested as the girls are about getting back to 1988. Some memories need to be adjusted, is all. Everything that happened happened, but none of them can continue their lives with the information they’ve gathered over the last few days. Why? Because neither Older Erin nor Double-Oh Tiff recognized their past selves. So the forgetting part actually happened! So it has to happen regardless. Understand? Yes? Good!

Mac asks if all that means she’s still going to die soon anyway. They all shift nervously. Tiff starts yelling again. “If you’ve got this higher-than-high tech, why don’t we go way back, stop us from ever finding that stupid time machine in the first place?”

Older KJ says they did try that. Millions upon millions of times. Millions. The best they could actually do was change the date that Mac met Tiff by a few weeks or something to that effect. The current of time is so strong that there’s nothing to prevent the four of them from finding that capsule in the basement.

No. Not fair not fair. None of the four of them want to forget one another! And it’s like, sorry toots, it’s going to be that way anyway. Plus, they’re all fucking twelve years old. They’re gonna make a million new and better friends! And–

“How did I not notice it?” Mac interrupts, looking right at Older KJ. “You’re… you’re her, aren’t you? Only,” she squints, “old and stuff?”

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Think of me as the stunt double who has to do all the nasty shit that KJ doesn’t actually want to do. Like, for example, all this time-travel bullshit with you bitches.

After Older KJ explains who she is, she looks at her watch. 12-year-old KJ should be joining them all in about three… two… one…

KJ pops through her portal. Tiff is about to celebrate, but Mac holds back. “Careful. How can we be sure this isn’t another evil mimeograph of her?”

KJ continues walking through into 1831. “Because I know you taste like cigarettes and Ultra Brite toothpaste.”

Ha, okay, she’s in the clear. They share another kiss…

…but then get interrupted by Erin and Jahpo coming through their own portal. “What is wrong with you kids? Can’t you leave anything well enough alone?!” Gun in one hand, dragging Erin by the other, a furious Jahpo heads toward the rest of the group.

The duplicate Erins whip out their own ultra-futuristic Super Soaker 9000 guns. “Steady on, Old-Timer. We come in peace, but we didn’t come unarmed.” Yeah, baby.

“Peace, you blew up the Cathedral, killed every last soul aboard!” Jahpo cries. Yeah, baby.

“Actually, your actions caused the ship’s destruction, but before your people could perish, we safely transported all of them back where they belong,” Older KJ informs the crying bearded bastard. Yeah, baby.

Jahpo doesn’t believe that shit! Why won’t they do that to young Erin over here? Or the rest of the papergirls? Get them the fuck out of here, know what I’m sayin’?

Apparently, Jahpo “Pops” Grand Father isn’t meeting these time crusaders on his end of the bargain. Meanwhile, Tiff is gripping a small iPod as hard as she can – hard enough to draw blood – and repeating the same mantra over and over again: “We’re not just papergirls, we’re friends.”

Jahpo ain’t gonna play nice anymore. “After all the friends I lost on C-Day, I won’t negotiate with terrorists, not even when the very continuum is on the line.”

WHO ARE THE REAL TERRORISTS HERE?! This is still something I’m struggling to actually grasp. Where’s the big ol’ twist where Jahpo and Co. are actually doing the good and the nice guys are actually doing the bad? Huh?! I’m waiting for it…

“This isn’t a negotiation, it’s a blood oath,” Older KJ grits her teeth. Everyone needs to agree to stop moving through four-dimensional space. They’ll stop if Jahpo stops. If even so much as a MOLECULE of Jahpo’s dick traverses through four-dimensional space, then it’s still the WILD, WILD WEST.

“But,” Jahpo’s eyes get wide and sad. “You’re talking about the end of time travel.”

Erin is crying. “Don’t you want this stupid war to end?”

“I do,” Jahpo closes his eyes. “Which is why I’ve fallen for empty gestures from our descendents before.” He lifts his gun and says “I’m sorry”, which fans may recognize as the only future vision from KJ that we hadn’t yet observed.

Old Tiff and Older KJ apologize too, because it wasn’t just Jahpo and Erin that they whisked away from 2016… wait for it… ha! A fucking Editrix! How do you like them apples, huh? *humps the air*

The Editrix shoots him in the shoulder with a laser blast. It looks like it hurts. That’s the only commentary I have about that.

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Kids these days and their lack of appreciation for not being killed by crazy four-dimensional pyramid monsters…

While Jahpo rants, the Editrix wraps itself around his arm. Editrixes are the visions-of-the-past flavor of monster, as we’ve seen with Tiff and her Arkanoid flashbacks. Jahpo sees visions of his life in reverse order: Old Wari, what I assume is C-Day, basic training, a WATCH recruitment poster, he and Wari as children eating lunch with Braunstein, and toddlin’ and babyin’ in 11,706 BCE with Young Wari.

Jahpo’s old eyes become as big as dang ol’ moons. “I’ll be damned.”

He wasn’t the man he thought he was, if you could even call him a man! He gets on his knees. “The Stones were wrong. Time isn’t on anyone’s side, is it?” Maybe next he should go kick Mick Jagger’s ass.

Jahpo begrudgingly agrees to the terms. That’s it. It’s done. No heroic final battle. No boss fight. Disappointment abounds. “Does that mean we get to go home?” Erin asks. Yes, they will be kicked to the curb in 1988, November 1, a few hours after they discovered the time capsule. No memories of their adventure will exist, they’ll move on with their lives, their older counterparts will be very surprised when their young counterparts show up, etc. etc.

Paper Girls, Issue #29

Yee-haw, motherfuckers!

“I know it sounds like a lot, but removing all of the trauma you were exposed to is actually the least we could do,” Jahpo says, looking tired as all get-out. To reiternate, none of them want that. They all had a lot of fun! KJ likes mackin’ on Mac. Also hover boots.

Nope, gotta get rid of the memories. “Anything you picked up during your travels has to stay behind,” Older KJ touches her forehead, “including what’s in here.”

Don’t forget that KJ killed someone. She doesn’t want that weighing on her conscious for the rest of her life, right! In cold blood, too. Just like “fuck you” and bang goes the gun.

Mac tells the time travel gurus to just get on with the memory wiping already. If anything, it’ll be nice forgetting that she’s going to die in a few years. KJ looks sad, but Mac has accepted that what needs to be done needs to be done. “And who knows?” Mac continues her train of thought as the all hold each other’s hands, “Even if the four of us are destined to lose touch, at least we’ll have–”

She doesn’t get to finish that sentence! ZAP! Mac gets vaporized in a brilliant violet light, gone back to 1988.

“I… I didn’t even get to say goodbye!” KJ cries.

“And all the pain you’re feeling is about to disappear, too,” Old Tiff says. Then ZAP!

“We’re not just papergirls,” Young Tiff repeats her mantra, “we’re–” ZAP!

Before Erin gets ZAP!ped, she muses on Eve and the apple. Eve was right all along, she wasn’t evil. She was smart.

“Does anyone know what the hell she’s talking about?” 19 Erin asks. Ah yes, the Bible. “That’s just another silly old story… written by a bunch of dudes.”

ZAP!

Final Thoughts

One issue left. What more of the story could there possibly be? The girls are back, they need to have had forgotten everything. What’s done is done.

My guess is that Marty McFly will come crashing through Erin’s house in his DeLorean like he’s Anne Heche.


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Sucky Funnies for June 4, 2023

I spent the entirety of Spring 2023 avoiding the Sunday comics page, and I’m better for it! For instance, I spent that extra time I usually waste reading funnies by planting trees, volunteering at a homeless shelter, and knitting hats to sell for mere pennies on Etsy.

Or I jacked off for 90 days or something. Let’s get on with it.

Arlo and Janis

Arlo and Janis - June 4, 2023

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My buddies Arlo and Janis spend an evening not using their premium subscriptions to any of their various streaming services. Just kidding! These two are perpetually stuck in 1985 when Back to the Future reigned surpreme and children were getting abducted and murdered left and right!

“I’ve always liked Flo!” = wrong. Flo sucks.
“I love the lizard! He’s so cute!” = wrong. The lizard sucks.

That’s about all I have to say here. Oh, no wait. Panel #4 is the best, where Janis’ hatred for the commercials selling the cars with the kids driving the cars like the streets were like the video game about the cars driving in the streets is so profound that she becomes the pitch black living embodiment of malice and spite!

I also like that there is absolutely no TV in this comic strip. These two are losing their marbles. Maybe a divorce is in order.

Pluggers

Pluggers - June 4, 2023

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Thanks to Shirley Brookins for being passive-aggressive about your snootiness toward state-of-the-art technology like “computers” and “printers”. No one wants to receive a handwritten cursive note anymore. No one can read your handwriting anyway, Shirley. Your handwritten letters get tossed in the garbage along with the AARP newsletter and the Medicare promotional 0% APR credit cards.

Mary Worth

Mary Worth - June 4, 2023

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Since I started the Sucky Funnies Sunday feature, Mary Worth has jumped to the top of my favorite comic strips of all time. Bite me, Calvin & Hobbes. Where are your dogs wearing bowties?

Jumping into the middle of a Mary Worth arc with zero context is one of the greatest joys in life. There’s nothing I could say that is funnier than the subject matter at hand. Except that I think the guy in the penultimate panel is Diedrich Bader. I’d appreciate some confirmation of this from anyone (you) who might be reading this (my blog). Thank you.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 – “Father’s Pride”

* Part 6 of 7 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 – “Father’s Pride”! In the previous installment, an incredibly butthurt Eddie Brock faces the consequences of submerging himself in black goo, but comes out powerful in the end. Peter and MJ sort of kind of make up, but since he won’t give up the Spider-Man gig then she won’t go back to him.

The issue ends with a standoff: Peter Parker and Venom Brock. In the rain.

And now I’m grabbing some Doritos. I’ll be right back…

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 [May, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Father’s Pride”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

…ok, thanks for waiting! Spider-Man is going to get choked out by Venom Brock and I’m here for it. I’ll lap that shit up like a dog. Spidey’s getting too big for his britches, throwing his 90 pounds of weight around. I’m sick of it!

Parker watches a tape of his father talking about the origins of cancer, how his own father had cancer, and how he wants to eradicate cancer before he dies. It didn’t happen. Plane crash. Keep up.

“With our invention – the suit – we were treading ground no one had even come near before… …and it blew up in our face.”

He talks about failing, how he feels about the failing, how he didn’t think at first they were failing, and other musings surrounding the notion of failing. “Sometimes – even while you’re in the act of trying something, you know deep down you’re going to fail. But you go ahead anyhow.” Yeah, that’s called wasting time. Being dumb. Not necessarily failing, but sucking! I hope that helps.

Parker and Venomous Brock are standing off in the rain. “Eddie… please tell me you didn’t do this to yourself on purpose.”

RAWR! OF COURSE HE DID! RAAWWRR! Brock shoots out a mess of seaweedy entwined tendrils with some spikes at the end. Parker catches it unharmed and asks Brock to allow him to help before things get even more out of control.

“OUR FATHERS DIED TO CREATE ME – AND NOW YOU WILL TOO!!”

“Yeah.. you said that already.”

Gettin’ cheeky, and Parker doesn’t have time to get cheekier before Brock throws him to the ground. “I gotta get outta here with this,” Parker things, face getting pushed into the ground. “Now I’m fighting super-villains on school grounds? In my civilian clothes? Without my web shooters?” I mean, yeah, MJ has been telling you for MANY ISSUES how fucked up all this is. But does anyone listen?? Does anyone listen?? Is anyone listening?? Hello?? Is anyone there?? Am I alone?? Hello?? Am I all alone?? Hello?? Is everyone dead?? Am I dead?? Does anything exist??

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Eddie, stop it or you’ll – AARRGHH!! – turn me into triplets!

Brock keeps snarling and frothing while Parker spouts inanities like “this isn’t you, Brock” and “snap out of it, Brock” and “why are you doing this, Brock” and “where are my underpants, Brock”.

“Oh man, he’s gonna die in that thing,” Parker thinks, staring at the big, black, pulsating mass. “I escaped by the skin of my teeth and I have big-time spider powers. Eddie’s just a guy – and he isn’t even in that great a’shape.”

Parker continues offering help. Brock thwacks him in the face. Now he’s gone and done it! Parker’s big guns are coming out! *flails hands in a hissy fit* Then he jumps over him and runs away. Brock follows, jumping and swinging around. Parker wonders how it’s even possible that he’s doing what he’s doing, imitating these deft Spider moves. Perhaps the suit has muscle memory? Perhaps the suit is POWERFUL?? Maybe the suit is made of tiny little suits? I don’t know, but maybe you do!

“How could he do that to himself? Did he do that to himself on purpose? He’s kinda acting like he did. Uch – how many friends do I have to lose in this superhero crap? Harry, MJ, now this. And he’s angry at me. He’s so angry at me that he would kill me? Is he really like that? Or is it the suit?”

Wow, his thoughts are really going a mile a minute here. Let me answer these questions simply: 1) shut up, 2) shut your trap.

The fighting keeps going. And the jumping. There is just so much jumping and fighting.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Oh, you boys. Stop tussling and come get some chocolate chip cookies!

They’re on the roof of a tall building, which isn’t the smartest place to have a fight, but every superhero tends to like fighting on roofs for some reason. Venom knocks Parker down over the edge and they both fall through some power lines. This is what snapped Parker out of it before, so maybe it’ll work here. I’m sure it will! Otherwise, what’s the point? Just to ruin some power lines? Please.

They land on a car and then cause another car to screech into a wall, endangering civilian lives and causing nothing short of a ruckus! Brock is on the ground groaning and moaning, the Venom suit looking like a cheap foam rubber costume now. Parker thinks they’re finally in the clear, but then it’s suddenly SNARL again and Venom leaps at his face with hundreds of razor-sharp teeth.

Brock intends to encase Parker within the suit. “LOOK AT YOU NOW!! LOOK AT YOU NOW!! A THIEF AND A LIAR! YOU KNEW, PARKER!! YOU KNEW WHAT MY FATHER HAD CREATED – MY FATHER WAS A GENIUS!!”

Yeah yeah yeah. *jerkoff motion that lasts ten years*

The suit is very close to encasing Parker completely, but then he bursts out of it at the last second. Brock keeps gibbering about the suit needing him for it to survive. It needs more than just Brock. The suit needs to eat, it’s hungry. The suit is tired of salad. The suit wants some meat.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Listen, we could debate about who lied to who until the cows come home. And they won’t be home any time soon, let me tell you.

Parker hits Brock with a tire, breaking a handful of his Venom teeth. “Sit down, Eddie,” is all he has to say while doing this. It’s time for the useless police to show up so they can rub their dicks up against each other and then purposely shoot black people before leaving to get donuts. “LIE ON THE GROUND WITH YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD!!” one screams at the not-encased-in-the-demon-suit kid. Then they notice the encased-in-the-demon-suit kid and start shooting their many, many bullets at it. Brock gets hit while Parker scurries up the side of the building, you know, like one of those arachnid type creatures.

Brock keeps getting shot. Bullets keep flying through him. He’s gonna be dead soon. Pour one out, homies.

As this is happening, the voice of Richard Parker continues talking. “You’re going to find that there are people in this world – people who you are going to look at and say: why is this person like this? Why did this person do that to themselves? And I swear to you, if you stare at them for fifty years… you’ll never understand why they are the way they are.”

In a giant burst of white light and energy, Venom Brock shrieks like a horny baboon and disintegrates into a smoldering mess.

“I have people like that in my life, people who just are their own worst enemy. And instead of dealing with it – coming to terms with it – all they do is lash out at you. Blame you for their own problems…”

The cops yell at Parker to get back to the ground, and they start shooting at him too as he scuttles on the wall.

“People everywhere reacting without thinking. Lashing out. They don’t even know why.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38

Here, I did you a favor and screenshotted this one so you can read what he has to say! lol, I’m so fucking funny. A real riot.

This ends sadly. His dad goes on to say that, at the end of every crappy day, he gets to come home and see his son. That makes it all worth it. And he and his mother can’t wait to see the man that Peter grows up to be!

Final Thoughts

Here are my final thoughts. This story went way too quickly to actually see Eddie Brock actually look like a complete asshole. The only nefarious stuff he did was make a move on Gwen and react like a man, and then stick his hand in a jar. He didn’t know what would happen. He didn’t know he would’ve wanted to kill anymore.

Poor pacing! Awful! D-


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