Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)

Tagline:
The saga continues.

Wide Release Date:
May 16, 2002

Directed by:
George Lucas
Screenplay by:
George Lucas
Jonathan Hales
Story by:
George Lucas
Produced by:
Rick McCallum

Starring:
Ewan McGregor
Natalie Portman
Hayden Christensen
Ian McDiarmid
Samuel L. Jackson
Christopher Lee
Anthony Daniels
Kenny Baker
Frank Oz

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I heard this is the worst movie of the prequels. Something had to be the worst, right? I “saw” this movie during a sleepover at a friend’s house, probably in 2003 when I was 15. He popped in Attack of the Clones at about 4am and it was absolute torture.

20 years later I finally have an open mind! And I’m watching it about 16 hours later in the day this time, so that will probably help.

THE 400(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

We’re ten years after the events of The Phantom Menace, which would put us at 22 BBY the Year of our Lord. There’s this motherfucker named Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) who used to be a Jedi Master but now he’s using his skills for Evil and going up against the Republic. Former Queen of Naboo, now Senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) intends to vote to create an army to help the Jedi oppose Dooku, but she gets hella almost assassinated on Coruscant. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are tasked with protecting Padmé, but then she gets hella almost assassinated again. A bounty hunter kills the assassin before they know who she is (it’s Zam Wesell, whoever that is). Obi-Wan is then tasked with tracking down the bounty hunter while Anakin continues to protect Padmé. Anakin escorts her back to Naboo, where there are many awful scenes of the two of them falling in love. Padmé appoints Jar Jar Fucking Binks to be an acting Senate representative in her absence, and he’s going to really fuck things up. Pretty much single-handedly destroying the Republic. Honestly.

Star Wars: Episode I! - Attack of the Clones

MEESA GONNA BLOW UP ALDERAAN! MEESA FART IN OWN MOUTH!

Obi-Wan follows his bounty hunter to a remote planet, where an army of clones are being produced. He finds Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison), who he suspects is his man, and the OG Clone Prime. He’s not a clone, per se. The clones are his clones. Also Boba Fett. He’s a clone, too, and he’s a youngin’ here. Jango and Obi-Wan slap each other for a bit before Obi-Wan throws a homing beacon on Jango’s ship. After some more slap fighting, this time in space, Jango/Boba lose Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan then follows them to a planet with the cool-ass name Geonosis. This is where Obi-Wan finds Dooku and discovers Dooku’s plot to develop a droid army to counter the Republic. Also, he tried to kill Padmé twice, and that ain’t very nice. Obi-Wan is captured. Dooku visits him in jail, offering to work with the Jedi to stop an insidious Darth Sidious (Your Mother) from taking control of the Galactic Republic. Obi-Wan tells him to stuff it.

Among all this, Anakin returns to Tatooine to visit his mother. He learns that she was abducted by Tusken Raiders. He tracks her down, she dies, he slaughters an entire neighborhood of Tusken Raiders. He confesses this murderous rage to Padmé and promises, going forward, to prevent everyone he loves from dying. Tall order, I’m sure he’ll be successful.

Hearing on the internet that Obi-Wan is trapped on Geonosis, Anakin and Padmé head over there. There’s this really long scene where they get trapped in the clone-making factory and almost die, but they don’t die. Anakin loses his lightsaber, and he and Padmé get captured by Jango Fett. They are sentenced to death by monsters in a big coliseum, along with Obi-Wan. When it looks like it’s curtains for the three of them, the big-wig Jedi Knights arrive with a posse of clone soldiers. Battle ensues, Jango gets killed, and Anakin/Obi-Wan fight Dooku with lightsabers. Dooku hands their asses on a platter. Anakin even gets his hand cut off. It runs in the family. Yoda shows up to fight, but Dooku runs off like a little wuss.

Star Wars: Episode I! - Attack of the Clones

Stay tuned for the Pink Floyd laser show at 9pm.

There is unrest among the Jedi with respect to the whole Darth Sidious taking over the Republic thing. Anakin marries Padmé and the movie is finally over.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Yeah, this wasn’t too exciting. Since I know Revenge of the Sith is going to be the best of the prequels by a long shot, I can make a safe judgment call that Attack of the Clones is the worst of the original six movies. And this is coming from someone who groaned every four minutes at all the Muppets and Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. That movie can fuck off too, kinda.

Attack of the Clones suffers from an abundance of terrible Anakin/Padmé scenes that take up roughly 91% of the movie. Some virgin on Reddit described their romantic relationship as believable “if you’re an eight-year-old who has only had a crush on his babysitter”, which is somewhat accurate! In the first movie Anakin was 9 and Padmé was 17! I remember kids in high school were legitimately mad that Anakin got to fuck Natalie Portman. It was weird and sad. Anyway, take out every scene where Anakin and Padmé are alone together and you’ve got a movie where Obi-Wan Kenobi tries to solve a mystery that makes no sense anyway.

Star Wars: Episode I! - Attack of the Clones

Romeo and Juliet had the decency to kill themselves.

To take a step back, Hayden Christensen is a bad actor in general and a weak casting decision. This is Darth Vader? Darth Vader, who commands his troops with an iron fist and silences every room he enters? They had to dye the kid’s frosted tips. They had to cut takes just to get him to stop puffing out his poochy, pouty lips. They should have cast Elijah Wood! That guy certainly has a face, and it’s not like he was busy with some other box office-breaking trilogy or anything.

I like the part where Jango Fett, a hired assassin, hires an assassin to assassinate Padmé and then basically sticks around to supervise the assassination, and then when it doesn’t go well he assassinates the assassin. That’s good writing.

TOPIC 2 — Jar Jar Binks Killed Billions of People

This is funny to me, and probably to any other member of the anti-Jar Jar Binks fanclub (of which I am both President and CFO), but cinching the reality that Jar Jar Binks has no redeeming qualities is pretty satisfying. Thinking he’s doing the right thing because he’s a complete fuck-up, he convinces the Senate to grant emergency powers to Palpatine, which leads to the destruction of the Republic, which leads to the rise of the Empire, which leads to the explosion of Alderaan. lol

I really don’t know what George Lucas was thinking by creating this character. A reasonable person would assume that Jar Jar Binks’ whole purpose was to provide comic relief for the eight-year-old moviegoers and then this bumbling fool would single-handedly destroy the Galactic Republic because, I don’t know, George Lucas thought it would be delicious irony for a well-meaning, “endearing” character to accidentally screw things up so badly. But no, George Lucas was sad when his beloved Jar Jar Binks character wasn’t well-received by audiences and critics across the board. I heard that Lucas ate 400 McDonald’s cheeseburgers to cope with the sadness.

Star Wars: Episode I! - Attack of the Clones

Pictured: An Obi-Wan / Jango Fett standoff. Not Pictured: Jar Jar Binks, because he Jar Jar Stinks.

I heard Disney World is going to create “Jar Jar Binksland” as a celebration of America’s most misunderstood and least favorite movie character of all time. The park will be full of unsprung mousetraps that are ready to snap your dick and/or clit off, and admission is $500 per person.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Hayden Christensen claimed to have greatly enjoyed filming the bar scene, because it was all a real set, and not just a greenscreen.
What a whiner. Make your millions in front of the greenscreen, kid. It’s called “movie magic” and it’s magical.

Due to much of the animosity aimed towards Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999), the working title of this movie was “Jar Jar’s Big Adventure”.
As much as I hate Jar Jar Binks, I’d probably enjoy a Pee-Wee Herman / Jar Jar Binks crossover. Yeah, like I’d enjoy a bullet through the dick.

Because he wanted to be able to identify himself during the colosseum scene, Samuel L. Jackson (Mace Windu) specifically asked George Lucas if he could have a purple light-saber. Lucas replied that Jedi light-sabers were only blue or green, to which Jackson said “Yeah, but I want a purple one.”
Fucking lol. Are you going to tell Samuel L. Jackson no? You give Samuel L. Jackson what he wants. You bet your ass there’s a purple lightsaber in this movie.

Star Wars: Episode I! - Attack of the Clones

Purple lightsaber, you want. Purple lightsaber, you get. Appease Samuel L. Jackson, we should.

This film marks the first time Yoda used a light-saber. Previously the puppet had problems grasping his own light-saber and making it look realistic.
Maybe the puppet should have stepped his game up a little bit and earned his check. I’m telling you man, good work is hard to find.

Actors auditioning for the part of Anakin Skywalker included Ryan Phillippe, Misha Collins, Paul Walker, Colin Hanks, Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, James Van Der Beek, Joshua Jackson, Eric Christian Olsen, Erik von Detten, Chris Klein, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jonathan Brandis. In the end, Hayden Christensen got the part, primarily because he and Natalie Portman “looked good together”.
Eat shit, James Van Der Beek. You look like garbage filtered through a poop sock standing next to Natalie Portman.

Jar Jar Binks, standing in for Senator Amidala, puts forth the motion that gives Palpatine supreme powers. This means that Jar Jar, the most hated character in the Star Wars canon, is indirectly responsible for the fall of the Old Republic and the near-annihilation of the Jedi order.
Darth Binks, the evil, maniacal genius. He played the long game here. Never underestimate the motivations of weirdo amphibious CGI bug-eyed reptile creatures.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Nope! I even hazard to say that this one can be entirely skipped! Read the synopsis on Wikipedia and/or TomWritesAboutStuff.com

Star Wars: Episode I! - Attack of the Clones

Yoda’s gonna fuck you up, kids. See you next time.


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Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14 – “Prey (Part 4): The Nightmare”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Prey storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14 – “Prey (Part 4): The Nightmare”! In the previous installment, Catwoman and Max Cort as a Bat-like Man fight on the roof of a fancy gala event. He wins, but then when the real Batman swoops in, he loses! Not good!

Still under Dr. Strange’s spell, he feels like a danged loser. But, oh ho ho, it’s time to put on a real Batman suit and give it all he’s got! And that means kidnapping the Mayor’s daughter, probably because she was being mean to Strange! This is all about insecurities and bedwetting, it is.

I’m gonna see where this goes. Join me.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14 [January, 1991]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Prey (Part 4): The Nightmare”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14

The Mayor is UP IN ARMS! His daughter is gone, Captain Gordon, you bastard. Your eyeglasses frames match your hair color and you’re a bastard. “I’m the Mayor. I run this town. And I want her back… you hear me?”

Loud and clear, Mr. President! Er… guv’nor. Because if Gordon doesn’t fix this shit in five days time, he’s off the force. He’ll never police anyone else again in his life! Eek and erp! Gordon walks away discombobulated. He knows Batman is innocent on this, he just has to figure out how to prove it! Perhaps he can set up an elaborate series of traps, each one more elaborate than the previous, in order to–

No. Oh well. If nothing else, it’s time to let Max Cort know the current situation. “We have order to bring in the Batman,” Gordon tells him grimly. “Using whatever means necessary.”

Cort gets out his nutcracker. Time to crack some nuts!… and after he does that, it’s time to look for the Batman and give him a stern talking-to! “And here I figgered that was the purpose of the task force in the first place.” Well, he’s really got Gordon there, doesn’t he? Stay away from that nutcracker.

Cort finds his men scarfing down donuts in the local diner. “Unofficial, you understand, but straight from the top… shoot to kill.” I mean, Cort isn’t wrong here. The whole “using whatever means necessary” thing was a mistake on Gordon’s part, the dumb bastard. He should have just told him to get Batman via an elaborate series of traps that–

Next, we are treated to a gritty noir sequence of Bruce’s parents biting the big one. “I’ve lived their deaths a thousand times, and the dream is always the same… a nightmare giving birth to the other dream, equally dark – the dream of the Bat.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Strange is being a real gentleman.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14

I hate it when real-life mannequins start talking back to me!

Strange then slaps Catherine Klass and ties her mouth up. “WOMEN! You are all alike! No man’s ever good enough for you – unless he’s the high and mighty Batman! Well, I’ve got news – the Batman’s about to fall!” Geez, I hope he doesn’t hurt himself. You know. After the fall.

Later, a bunch of cops are shooting at Batman. “Does Gordon know about this?” he thinks as he dodges bullets like a ballet dancer, all prim and pretty. “If he does, something big has happened. But what?” He probably took a big, stinky dump. That’s the something big that happened.

Batman thinks this madness and nonsense is as bad as the nightmare. How is he supposed to stop ol’ whatsits…Night Scourge… if the police are shooting at his young, supple buttocks? “Every turn blocked by guns. How can they justify this? What has changed?”

Then a cop calls Batman a “kidnapper” and things click like a nerf ball hitting a pile of feathers. By that I mean it doesn’t click. Not yet.

Batman is seen jumping in a car, and one of these dickheads he’s gonna be the one to get him. To “ace the Bat”, as it were. It doesn’t work at all, of course. The Bat jumps out of the trunk and CHUPs the guy upside the head. Or perhaps CHUPside the head! Ha!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14

I heard he can melt brains with his brain-melting eyeballs and turn your genitals into a pile of ugly applesauce.

Enough of this. Batman opens a manhole and hides in the sewer until the coast is clear, even though he loves hanging out in the sewers anyway. The cops think he’s some sort of Bat-Demon, disappearing into thin air with his trickery and witchery! Then one realizes they need to go into the sewer, but that ain’t fuckin’ happening! Time to get more donuts, bye bye.

Batman heads down three blocks and gets back up to the street. Coast is clear, but news of a Batman vigilante wanted for kidnapping the Mayor’s daughter is heard as a couple of guys walk by with a boombox. It clicks like a nerf ball hitting a lightswitch, which DOES make a clicking sound! With this new information, Batman prepares… something. Lunch?

Yeah, a knuckle sandwich! Special delivery for Dr. Strange’s mouth and teeth! Batman breaks into Strange’s apartment, sending the guy into a mild panic. But he regains composure, asking why Batman felt compelled to “enter the lion’s den”. Pffft.

“To tell you I had nothing to do with the kidnapping – and I think you know it.” Well, no fucking shit, sir. The guy you’re talking to orchestrated the whole thing. It’s clicking like a nerf ball hitting a pile of other nerf balls. Plus, maybe Strange has something to do with this Night Scourge fellow! All the pieces are falling into place like four jigsaw puzzles thrown into a woodchipper!

“Denial and displacement of guilt,” Dr. Strange responds, eyeballing a nearby baseball bat. “How banal.”

Who’s the Bat Man now?! Ha ha haaaa!! Strange waves the thing around while commenting on Batman’s smelly sewer odor, then he knocks the head off of his mannequin girlfriend. She laughed at him again! Even his inanimate objects think he’s worthy of constant ridicule!

But here’s the real good stuff: the mannequin head is full of noxious gas! It’s leaking out of her forehead in ribbons of yellow vapor. A hallucinogen. Batman’s going to start thinking he’s a glass of orange juice, and if he leans over too much he’ll spill!

Now Batman is incapacitated like a wuss, and Strange thumps him on the head with the bat. Then he knocks him off the side of the building. SWUMP WUMPT WOKT. Batman screams for mommy and daddy as he plummets to the street. Strange finds this revelation quite delicious.

Batman launches his Bat Bungee and he’s able to stop his fall to just slow enough to WUMP on the ground and not die! Meanwhile, Strange calls Cort to tell him the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle had been recovered from this metaphorical woodchipper I made up a few paragraphs ago! “Get me the police files on all the double murders – husband and wife – going back twenty years,” he smiles with smug-ass satisfaction. Like he isn’t a creepy little twit.

Batman is having another nightmare, and it’s worse than last time. Once his parents are shot, it takes them forever to fall to the ground. They also have about 50 liters of blood each. “Thicker than quicksand”. And he’s stuck in it as he screams and cries.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14

A fantastic position for all kinds of sucking.

And then he gets up, and the man with the gun chases him down. “Now it’s your turn, kid…” he says as an older Batmanned Bruce runs into traffic. In reality, a cop is pointing his gun and asking Batman to stop moving or he’s dead.

“Mom and dad. A good movie. A shortcut. And the head. The head with the drug. The shortcut drug with the men. The movie men with the vibrating guns.” And he just rambles incoherently like this as the hallucinogen fucks up all his sense and the brain parts that allow him to avoid word salads with nonsense dressing!

He jumps into a body of water, presumably a river, and starts sinking…

Elsewhere, two men are robbing a jewelry store, but after a YAARRGH and a SHRUKT, they are both stabbed and/or sliced. Definitely very dead. “Better,” Night Scourge says as he takes off his mask and becomes Max Cort the Strange Puppet. “I’m better. Better than him. Strange is right… and the moon is beautiful… relaxing…

The next day, Gordon catches Cort asleep at the wheel! Asleep at the ol’ desk wheel, that is! And it’s curious, because Cort hasn’t been working nights. “…at least not officially.” Gordon grabs the paperwork that Cort is slumped over like a drunk bump on a log. Reports that are supposed to kept out of Dr. Strange’s hands. Data on Batman sightings. Files on husband/wife murders. Egads! Sgt. Cort is helping Stinky Dr. Strange! Dr. Strange was supposed to be working through the Mayor’s office, not through the police department! A crime of etiquette of the highest degree!

Gordon frowns in front of his phone. He always frowns. Often, it’s in front of his phone. It’s a perfect storm of torrential sewage. Cort helping Strange while the cops are trying to kill Batman, and the Mayor’s daughter kidnapped which is keeping the momentum going. And now Cort knows that Gordon has been withholding sex! I mean… information! And Gordon’s been helping Batman! Hot water for sure on this one. “…and if Batman goes down… I drown too.”

Should’ve thought of that before becoming a high-ranking police officer. Perhaps you should have been an accountant instead. They get shot at only half as much.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14

It’s like those Lennon/Ono recordings except, honestly, marginally less disgusting.

Dr. Strange tells Cort that he and Catherine “spent half the night making tape recordings”, to which Cort responds that Strange is babbling and making very little sense. Strange throws the phone against the wall.

Batman finds himself washed up on the docks. He’s not covered in quicksand blood after all. It appears to be gross Gotham water! What a relief, but Batman is still unsure if there are still residuals of the hallucinogen making everything all weird and swimmy… until a ship crew spots him, calls him “Bat-Scum”, and proceeds to run at him their pointy harpoons! “You lookin’ for some poor punk to rip to pieces – or maybe someone else to kidnap?!”

Ugh. It’s a living!

Meanwhile, Selina “Cat” Kyle “Woman” works out in her early ‘90s jazzercise outfit, commenting on the news reports of Batman kidnapping the Mayor’s daughter. “He didn’t do it. He’s dark – but not that dark.”

Batman slumps back to his castle-shaped mansion feeling sullen and neutered. Nobody respects him anymore! He’s just a man who people think deserves a nice harpooning. No fear. No power. It sucks.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #14

No, Alfred! Those pills in the medicine cabinet were not for you! They were not for you!!

It’s nice being back in the big, cold, dingy, empty house, but where is the faithful butler who has that ankle bracelet that will inject poison into his veins if he even thinks about leaving the premises? Alfie! Ooohhhh, Alfie! I brought home some McDona– NOOO!!!!

Alfred is supine on the floor, knocked out by an ornate, still-intact vase. Who is in Bruce’s house, infiltrated his private business and snacking on the Wheat Thins that fill his several walk-in pantries?!

“In the kitchen, son,” says a voice that makes Bruce’s heart skip a beat. “It’s all your fault, Bruce… if you hadn’t wanted to go to the movies that night, we’d still be alive. We died so you could live. You should be ashamed, son.”

Bruce starts flipping out, just really losing his marbles while his parents tell him how much dying hurt. “Because of you, Bruce, the worms are getting fat on us.” lol

The reveal here is that, once Bruce starts punching the fuck out of it, it’s Dr. Strange’s Sex Mannequin. It has a giant tape recorder inside its head taunting the bejesus out of him. Alfred, the non-hallucinated Alfred, comes out to try to hold Bruce back. He gets uppercutted! “NOOOO!! Leave me alone!!” Bruce screams like a feral baboon. He stumbles around like a bear with a tranquilizer dart sticking out his neck, howling about going to the Cave! The Cave! Got to return to the Batcave! “The only place I can be safe! The only place I can be sane! The only place they can’t get me!”

And then he fucking falls down the steps of the cave. lmao. The end.

Final Thoughts

This poor bastard done flipped his wig, son. I hope Alfred’s ok. I don’t care what happens to Bruce. Our only hope is that Bruce falls down a well and someone drops a big rock on his head.


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Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 11 – “One”

* Part 3 of 9 of Vol. 2 – “Confluence” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 11: “One”! In the previous installment, the police force assigned to the Kira case has been whittled down to five people. They are all invited to L’s hotel room so they can all see his sexy face before they go forward from there.

Raito thinks a lot about who to kill next and how he can find out how to kill L.

Ryuuku watches a lot of TV.

Oh yeah, Raye Penber’s fiancée is on her own quest to avenge her fiancé’s death. I don’t even think they gave her a name! From now on, until confirmed otherwise, I’m gonna call her Penberella.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“One”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

They keep having this L dimwit’s face half-covered like anything above his nose will be a giant revelation. Like he’s going to pull the hair away from his eyes and the people in the room are gonna be like “ANDY SAMBERG!! WHAAAAAAA!!!”

BUT ON THE FIRST PAGE OF CHAPTER 11, HIS FACE IS REVEALED. This is going to be a real turning point in the series, I just know it! Is this like when Hagrid told Harry Potter that he’s a wizard? Or maybe it’s like when Jon Snow learned that Daenerys Targaryen was his aunt? Or maybe it’s like when we found out Monica was fucking Chandler? Or maybe it’s like when Jack and Kate were actually off the Island?! Or maybe it’s when you finally found out the identities of the final Cylons! YES!! YES!!! LET’S GO WITH THAT!!!

“IT’S THE LEGEND HIMSELF!!”

“I am L,” he says sheepishly, slumping his shoulders, eyes possibly surrounded with eyeshadow. He scratches one bare foot with another bare foot. He appears to have been interrupted in the middle of hitting “Publish” on his Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy fanfiction.

Detective Yagami introduces himself to his newest friend! The other four follow suit: Matsuda. Aizawa. Usata. Siza.

Certainly we can expect L to behave with at least a kernel of tact in front of his fellow detectives and– oh, no, nope, not at all. The guy doesn’t even go ten seconds.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

Put down the gun, son. We have company over for dinner tonight.

This complete social dipshit makes himself look like a cringy fool right in front of five people. I’m already mad at him. I want to throw him to the floor and steal his lunch money.

“If I was Kira, you’d be dead already, Mr. Yagami,” L says meekly, looking up at Yagami with his doe eyes and his pouty lips. He reminds the group for the 4,000th time that all Kira needs to know are the names and faces of his victims. Boom. You gave him your name. Boom. You gave him your face. Boom boom. BANG!! Dead of cardiac arrest due to bullets in the left ventricle. BANG!! And so on.

But it’s not all finger-guns with Kira, oh no no no. This gentleman is using supernatural methods to kill his victims. BOO!! Heh heh. Did I scare you? Good, now you’re paying attention to me. BOO!! That’s a ghost.

“We are the only ones left pursuing Kira,” L states with his eyes boggling out his head, “so please do not give away your names so recklessly. You must be more cautious.”

The detectives stand there silently. One of them looks like he’s about ready to take off his belt and whip this kid into Hades.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

The master speaks, and they’re ready to gobble it all up with their ears like so much delicious ear-syrup.

While L, I don’t know, tries to kick his pile of SNES cartridges out of the way or something, the detectives talk amongst themselves about the information they just heard. “He needs to know the names? Is that true? I’ve heard that he only needs to know the face,” one of them nudges Yagami, who confirms that it’s true. Several criminals in the database that are either incorrectly labeled with the wrong name, or inaccessible in one way or another, have survived mass killings.

Once they catch wind that L is overhearing their CLANDESTINE CONVERSATIONS, they zip the lip. “Let’s get right down to business,” says L slinkily, “Turn off your cell phones and laptop computers and put them on this table.”

Ha! What’s next? Put your keys in this bowl? Hey, it’s midnight on New Year’s, ain’t it?! Time to party! *drops key in a bowl*

The detectives are less than happy that they have to part with their electronics. What does L think they’re all gonna do? Text Kira the information? Post information all over MySpace? Pretend they’re all paying attention but really they’re jerking off to pixelated internet pornography? Is this what L thinks they’re all gonna do? Because I’m game if you are.

L overhears this too. Tells them to shut the fuck up. Also, he doesn’t want anyone to take any calls while they talk, simple as that. So shut the fuck up.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

Yes, yes, the twitchy, caffeinated weirdo is right. Let us follow suit and all come up with our own safe words.

With all safety precautions addressed, L perches on a sofa chair like some sort of cracked out orangutan and invites the rest of the group to sit and make themselves comfortable.

If that’s going to be at all possible. Jesus Christ, dude.

The pow-wow commences!

Interchangeable Detective #3 has an idea! Stop broadcasting news about the criminals! No names, no faces, no murders!

“If you do that, Kira will kill innocent people instead,” L responds, eyes darting around the room like a manic chameleon. The rest of the room goes “BWWAAAAHHH” like Hank Hill. Why would Kira the killer start killing innocent people? Do you think he’s some sort of killer??

Ugh, so this is where the typical Death Note fanbase will fall over the edge and forever empathize with this guy: “Because Kira is an immature sore loser. Yes… since I am also an immature sore loser… I know exactly how he thinks…”

And L looks like every creep you knew in high school that was one bullying remark away from committing a mass shooting. I forgot to mention that he allowed the detectives to call him “Ryuuzaki”, which is way harder to remember how to spell than “L” and that was already hard enough. They all ask Ryuuzaki what he meant by that weird “sore loser” comment.

So here’s the laborious explanation:

Kira killed the fake L on live TV. That was an instance where he didn’t kill someone he thought was a criminal. So let’s not RULE OUT THE POSSIBILITY that this CRAZED KILLER wouldn’t decide to murder FREDDIE PRINZE JR. if he felt like it. NEXT!

Remember when L declared his knowledge that Kira had to be somewhere in the vicinity? Well, when he learned that the FBI agents were in the vicinity he had them killed too. Does that one make sense to you?? NO!?! Well, deal with it. NEXT!

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

Remember that many individuals are getting paid by your tax dollars to figure out stuff like “the killer is killing” 15 full days into the case.

L continues to perch on his chair like a feral weasel. He already knows how Kira thinks and there isn’t much time to act. L doesn’t want to be proven right, you know. Maybe a little. He seems like the kind of guy who would get a kick out of being right all them just to show people he was right. Even if 1,000,000,000 people got murdered.

“If you don’t show me the criminals, I’ll start killing suspects of minor crimes. Or even innnocent people. The world is my hostage! Their deaths won’t be on my hands. You’re the one who hid the criminals from me!” L says, aping what he thinks Kira would say. Verbatim. Even with the exclamation points.

Oh yeah, here’s another thing. There sure are a lot of “another things” going on. I’m kind of tired of keeping track of all these “another things”. L doesn’t want the media to catch wind of their sexy hotel meetings AND he wants the media to be involved! Tricky tricky! And another thing…

OK, so L has an idea. Why not? He’s doing all the talking anyway. Why are these other soggy noodles even in the room with him? L wants the Department to broadcast a message that America is pissed that twelve FBI agents were killed, and all the other world leaders are pissed too. Mozambique, Micronesia, Maldives, world leaders from all sorts of exotic countries that start with “M” are upset and frothing at the thought! The United Nations has sent 1500 more investigators to Japan! That’ll learn him. That’ll ruffle his pretty peacock feathers! He’ll think everyone is out to get him! And he’ll get a hand cramp trying to write the whole world in his stupid little murder book! Hah hah!

The detectives in the room love this idea, mostly because L continues to do all the work for them. Kira will never be able to really retaliate! This is some perfect stuff! Who wants a pizza? Happy New Year and whatnot!

L, still perched with his gross bare feet on the cushion, is ready to share even more insights. Some personal ones. A whole bunch of “another things”, I reckon. 1) Kira acts alone. 2) Kira needs to know the name and face of his victim. 3) He can control the time of death and the actions of the victim, within the confines of reality of course. He can’t make them lick their own buttholes, for example.

This guy has it all figured out, which is really annoying because I keep reading the same fucking shit over and over again. I ALREADY KNOW HOW RAITO IS DOING THINGS! I ALREADY KNOW THAT L KNOWS HOW RAITO IS DOING THINGS! I don’t need some piss-pants to tell every character that arrives at his room the exact same information for me to read endlessly.

Anyway, L tells the room to not forget the three things he listed. In case there’s some noxious brain-damaging gas leaking into the room, remember to forget everything else except those three things! Your name, your family, none of those memories are as important.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

And this, gentleman, is proof that aliens walk among us.

L proceeds to do some nutcase numerology stuff. Yes yes yes, Kira found stuff out and killed some people. Yawn. Did the ball drop yet? It’s time for bed.

He keeps writing his numbers and drawing his circles. He killed 12 FBI agents between December 19th and December 27th, and he also killed 23 other random people to throw everyone off the scent. Some had criminal records; some were only suspected of crimes.

And Kira couldn’t have killed these dudes without knowing their names and their faces. So someone…somewhere…at some point…gave him the info. One of the 12. And, for some unknown reason the makes no sense, L knows the exact order, from 1 to 12, that each one received the documents. SO WE CAN NARROW DOWN WHO GAVE HIM THE DOCUMENTS BASED ON WHEN KIRA BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

Yeah, what do you think that answer is to that question? You think L likes to show of his twitchy Asperger’s in front of a group of people?

The detectives in the room positively ejaculate with joy! They can really get shit done now! Find the connection between the 12 FBI agents and the 23 random people, right? Right? No? Well, they’re going to do it anyway. They split into two teams: one to investigate the 12 and one to investigate the 23.

Detective Yagami has one final nagging question. One that he needs to know that answer to even if it is completely unimportant: does L consider the necessity for this meeting a failure?

Of course he does, bonehead. This meeting, the death of 12 FBI agents, that’s all L’s fault. He owns it, and he’ll be giving himself 30 lashes on the back during tomorrow evening’s autoerotic asphyxiation, BUT now is not the time to ruminate upon that! “I will win in the end,” he declares, gripping his knee with FIERCE, UNFETTERED DETERMINATION. No fettering here.

“This is the first time I’ve risked my life to catch a criminal. I want to let everyone here, who is also risking his life, know that JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL!”

The detectives look startled at this strange moment of, frankly, psychotic optimism. He has the face of someone who looks like he’s going to start skinning female victims and wear their skins as masks; fashioning lampshades and curtains that he can sell to Ed Gein for a pretty penny.

“That’s right!” they start cheering, “Justice will prevail! Let’s get him! Yeah! Let’s go, Ryuuzaki!”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 11

We’d all be better off throwing this kid right off a bridge before he starts chaining us all to the heat register.

That last thing we need to do on this blessed New Year’s Eve is perform a one-on-one pow-wow to make sure none of these detectives are Kira in the flesh. Yagami agrees with this strip search, especially since the room now knows L’s name and face.

Later, once everyone is gone, L Ryuuzaki “L” paces around his hotel room hemming and hawing about his next move. “Just one thing left…”

BACK AT RAITO POOPYPANT’S HOUSE, the delinquent is scratching his pen within a notebook that isn’t the notebook. It is, in fact, a notebook. Ryuuku looks surprised that he’s not spending a usual evening scrawling 500,000 names into his beloved book (amen), but Raito is spending his time going over the last few weeks to make sure he didn’t make any missteps. “If I made any mistakes… even if I just made one mistake, I will be dead. Just one is enough.”

The chapter ends with Raito’s Mistake walking around the streets. “Raye clearly said he was going to Shinjuku,” she says, going over the facts just like every other character constantly does just in case you didn’t know what was going on. STILL.

Penber’s unnamed fiancée makes her way to KIRA INVESTIGATION HQ in order to get involved! Oh no!

Final Thoughts

Here’s what I predict will happen: The Yagami family is going to eat a meal of chicken nuggets at the dinner table and his dad will angrily wave a fork around going “THIS RYUUZAKI GUY IS REALLY RIDING US! YOU KNOW, RYUUZAKI, GOES BY THE ALIAS ‘L’, HERE’S A PICTURE OF HIM. YEP, HERE’S HIS NAME AND PICTURE.”

I hope L dies. He gives me the fucking creeps.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34 – “Inheritance”

* Part 2 of 7 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34 – “Inheritance”! In the previous installment, Peter Parker discovers an old video tape with his family hanging out with Richard Parker’s partner, Eddie Brock Sr., and his family. Parker is a dumb dingus and doesn’t remember these people at all, but he nonetheless decides to seek out Eddie Brock Jr. and catch up.

Brock Jr. is a student at Empire State University where he’s engaged in biomedical research. He shows Parker a mysterious flask in the science lab, locked away in a cryogenic vault.

“It’s our inheritance,” he tells a boggling Parker.

Oh boy! Kind of a weird place to store a ton of money, but obviously it’s not money! What a stupid thing to think! Let’s see what it really is.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34 [March, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Inheritance”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34

Wispy Spider-Man! Again, I’ve never seen Spider-Man 3. I can’t stress that enough. I don’t know what’s going to happen or why it’s going to happen! Does Eddie Brock drink the potion and go RAWWRRGGRR PETER PARKER KILLED MY PARENTS and start bullying him with atomic wedgies? Because that would be a comic book!

“This is what our fathers were working on when they died. This – this is their life’s work,” Eddie says of the black container full of mysterious black gunk.

“What is it?” Parker asks, stunned and drooling.

“Right now it’s a big pile of protoplasmic goo.”

“What’s it supposed to be?”

“The cure for cancer.”

Well, hot diggity! Shit like that is why it’s worth being a biomedical whozits transponstor. “And they were close – (according to my dad’s notes) – either they were really close or my dad was just WAAAAY too excited.”

Peter Parker just stares at this guy while he talks about trying to piece together shreds of notes and diagrams and drawings and facts and figures and test tubes and stoichiometries. Pieces of the puzzle might be missing, or perhaps Parker’s dad was buried with them. We could try digging up his corpse! Barring that, maybe there are other avenues? We’ll have to dig up the corpse first and figure out other avenues later, one supposes.

“Plus, I mean, who knows what they had on them when the plane went down, right?” Brock continues as he pulls open a plastic container. That Doc Conners, though, what a fantastic specimen of a human being. The guy gets paid $40,000 a year to help 20-year-old punks think they’re developing cures for cancer, and he enjoys every minute of this meaningless existence!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34

He’s been really helping me out in the science lab! Giving me pointers. Giving me kisses. It’s a very appropriate relationship.

While only 60% of what I said may be true, Parker eyeballs Brock with a sudden twinge of doubt. Brock pulls out some drawings for a prototype called “the suit”. “Some kind of protoplasmic medical dip that was to be tailored to a patient’s specific DNA code,” he explains, pulling out a diagram labeled “THE SUIT” with arrows pointing to it. “It” being “the suit”. Basically, this gelatinous glop would encompass the person’s body and figure out what needed to be healed. Broken bone? Throw some of this poop on there and it’ll heal it tout suite! Prolapsed anus? Throw some of this mush on there and it will suck itself back in! Think of the possibilities! Freckles? Splash on this stuff like acid and those freckles, plus several layers of skin, will melt right off your face!

“Basically – this would find cancer, diagnose it, and kill it,” Brock adds and suggests that their dads got to at least phase two, which is probably the “diagnose it” part of the cancer-killing processes. What it actually did after diagnosing it is up for debate. Plus, they ran out of funding. Also, their plane crashed! A lot of things made the research stop at phase two.

Both their dads took a position at Trask Industries as work-for-hire employees, meaning that anything they discovered or created was intellectual property of Trask. Isn’t that crazy fucked up? Stupid capitalism. “When the big bosses found out that their cure for cancer might be like – some kind of one-person war-machine thing… they took it away from them.”

This is the part where Parker boggles again. One-person war what now? Brock hands Parker a handwritten journal. I could pad this blog post out and write it verbatim, but I definitely don’t want to do that! And you wouldn’t want to read it anyway! Here’s the gist of Eddie Brock Sr.’s last entry: “The project was taken away from us! Richard blames me for all of this, maybe, and he wouldn’t be entirely wrong! I am, after all, the one that pushed him into this deal with Trask! Now there are lawyers involved and all other manner of loathsome types! And all I really wanted to was to create something to make the world a better place for us and and our children! Waaahhhh!!”

Two days after he wrote this, the Parkers and the Brocks flew to Washington to have a nice, diplomatic chat with some fuckface lawyer over suing the pants off of these Trask assholes. On the way back, Mohammad Atta hijacked their plane and flew it into Bart Simpson’s treehouse.

“Oh, my God… so they just – these people just took this invention away from them,” Parker says, outraged, finally catching up. Brock doesn’t even know if Trask is in business anymore. This sounds like a job for Spider-Man!… later of course. That must be better than getting to second base with MJ, all that cavorting around in public wearing red spandex.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34

Let’s flip a coin to see who gets to drink the filthy liquid! I bet it tastes like black licorice filtered through a dehumidifier.

“If they took everything away,” Parker says, nudging toward the flask, “where did you get this?”

Brrrt!! You got me! This is something their dads were working on on the side. Behind the company’s back. Technically illegal. They were trying to prove ownership by making their own “suit”, but they didn’t get very far. As you may recall, they got on an exploding airplane!

So, Brock got it from his grandfather. He kept it in the same freezer this whole time, he doesn’t even know what it is. He would have just as well gotten rid of it, but he didn’t toss out any of his son’s things. It’s only in the last few weeks did Brock discover its existence and had it moved to the Empire State University science lab where a bunch of stoned kids definitely won’t accidentally drink it or anything.

“Doc Conners thinks it’s totally useless,” Brock says, staring at the plastic bin of journals and papers. “…but, the thing is – Doc Conners thinks they were really on the right track. Their logic is good, the math is right. It could be that they just didn’t have the technology to support the theories back then.”

Parker doesn’t care much about any of this malarkey. He’s hung up on the “specific DNA” part. “Whose DNA did they use?”

…

I ain’t gonna lie! I was totally expecting it to be Peter’s! But it’s not, sadly. It’s his dad’s. Parker looks at the flask like he’s ready to bring him back from the dead. Or likes he really wants to fuck that flask.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34

Do you know what’s cooler than a “PROM IS LAME – LAME IS ON FIRE” t-shirt? A t-shirt that proclaims your proximity to the stupid one.

After school the next day, Parker is chatting with Gwen and then MJ and her friend Liz catch Parker and Gwen chatting and then everyone makes a lot of faces. Parker wants to talk to MJ, but Gwen tells Parker to let MJ come talk to him. Then Parker MJ Gwen MJ Parker Parker MJ Parker MJ Liz Gwen Parker MJ Parker. I mean, honestly.

Ride’s here! Brock picks up his buddy Parker in a stunning convertible! This kid was just bitching about how abject poor he is, that he can’t afford to go out on dates. Maybe this is why. “Yo! Pete!”

Ooooh, Peter Parker’s gonna play wingman here, hooking up his college-aged friend with high school-aged girls. “Eddie Brock, this is Gwen. Remember I told you about her – she lives with me and Aunt May… can she get a ride, too?”

“Absolutely,” he answers. Everyone’s loins get a little bit more moist. ESPECIALLY mine. And MJ – MJ looks so goddamned sad as Parker and Gwen pile into this car. Gwen’s all hugging on him an’ shit, squeezing his body, complimenting his muscles. This is all absolutely true. Liz tells MJ to forget about that punk, but she can’t. Of course she can’t. He’s SPIDER-MAN! How do you just go and dump SPIDER-MAN?

Ugh, well, whatever. Brock takes these two canaries down to the mall and they share a meal at the food court. Brock asks them who the biggest “lame-o” is at their school, and when the answer is a unanimous “Flash Thompson”, Brock tells them that joining a frat would be like getting yourself surrounded by 30 Flash Thompsons. Then Brock takes a call from his professor, Doc Conners, who freaks the fuck out at him for letting some outsider into the lab.

Gwen insults Brock for a second when she calls college a hype. “I have learned that any time everyone says ‘Go here!’… go the other way.” Then Brock is like, your loss, I guess I’ll enjoy this FREE REGGAE MUSIC ON THE QUAD all by my own self!

Reggae? Did someone say reggae?? Who here doesn’t love reggae?? Besides this guy over here, I guess *points to white guy Peter Parker* He’s going to sit this one out. So Gwen and Brock are gonna go to the quad by themselves, and–

“Do you think our parents were murdered?” Peter asks.

BZZZ-WHAAT? Did you hear that sound? It was the sound of the mood shattering into a thousand pieces. “Do I think they were murdered?” Brock repeats, scratching his head. “I – I don’t know.”

Parker stares at this guy like he single-handedly brought the plane down with a penis laser.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34

Unzip your pants, Brock. Gotta check for doomsday devices.

“A whole plane crashed into the Atlantic.” Brock keeps rambling and wincing, but Parker doesn’t wipe the scowl off of his face. He stares at Brock expecting him to confess and bring out a bunch of drafts for a penis laser prototype.

“What are you guys talking about?” Gwen asks, completely stunned. And her question isn’t answered. And neither is mine! What does Peter Parker think this kid did 10 years ago? Does he suspect foul play from this pothead? Should I? Maybe I should

This is Topher Grace we’re talking about here!

Peter Parker spends the evening poring over every single box, every single piece of paper, every single second of recorded tape that he had discovered from the closet. Journals upon journals, floppy disks, all of it pointing to something dubbed the “Venom Project”. Oh boy, this is exciting, ain’t it folks? Parker is even wearing his best tank top for the occasion.

“What ‘the suit’ will do is just help the body help itself. The ultimate natural medical treatment.” Parker watches his dad yammer about the suit in a fundraising plea. They’re in phase two! The dreaded phase two! More money, please. “With your support we believe that we will be able to bring the suit to the human testing phase in the next two to three years.”

Sounds like a scam to me, pal. Take the money and run, is it? You’ll have a suit on your hands for sure, sir. A lawsuit. Take that to the bank, wiseguy!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34

What a coincidence. I’d rather die in a plane crash than work at Taco Bell.

The footage ends and new footage begins. Richard Parker’s hair is a mess. Well, it’s messier than the mess it already was. He’s also got some stubble, which is the international sign for world-weariness! All he wanted to do was help people! These greedy bastards! “And because I signed the wrong paper for the wrong person… not only can I not do anything to help them, I can’t even tell someone else what I have so they can go finish it.”

It’s a pickle for sure. Just the other day I was legally contracted against continuing my Jerkoff Yoga training program at L.A. Fitness and I, too, am unable to tell someone else how to finish my life’s work! It’s very frustrating.

“Ben, if you’re watching this – you were right. I’ll never say it to your face, but you were right. ‘Never trust anyone wearing a tie.’”

If Uncle Ben was so wise, then how come he died at gunpoint? Not a very wise way to go, now is it? Oh well, Uncle Ben. You tried… you tried…

…

…WAIT A CONSARNED MINUTE! EPIPHANY! “Every time I turn around there’s some greedy piece of garbage looking to turn something of value into a twisted nightmare!!!” Peter screams – in his puny head – bolt upright and shocked at his current train of thought. “Osborn! Nick Fury! Octavius! All of them. Garbage!”

Parker starts getting that fucking costume on like it’ll finally help him to breathe oxygen. “Someone tries to do something worthwhile… Someone tries to make the world a better place than they found it. And what happens? Every time!”

Come on, Peter! I already said it earlier in this very post: “Stupid capitalism”! It’s one of the worst things to ever happen to the world! You’re finally getting it! Good job!

“They took it away from him – well, I’m taking it back. I’ll finish what he started. I’ll do my own tests – I’ll do it myself!!!”

Uh huh. Uh huh. Slow down there, homeboy. You’re fifteen. Go to school and get good grades and put that stupid costume down, son. Let’s think it through for longer than four nanoseconds.

Nope, we’re already at the Reed Richards Science Center splatting security cameras with sticky webs. Sigh… doofus.

Spider-Man immediately finds a ring of keys and unlocks Brock’s storage compartment containing the frozen, er, “inheritance”. Meanwhile, a nearby Brock and Gwen are enjoying some of that fine, fine reggae down at the quad.

Parker unmasks and starts spooning the delicious black liquid into his own cup. “Take just enough – just enough to do my own tests – to match my dad’s notes. Take back what belongs to me.”

Then, like a completely out-of-control bonehead, he accidentally glops a large spoonful of the stuff onto his exposed hand. “Agh! God, that – that feels weird. It’s cold, but it’s – Oh, no…”

The little black blob spreads immediately across his whole hand. Soon, it starts taking over his whole arm. Now, as if swarmed in sticky, black tentacles, the mass engulfs this wretched kid completely within its oozing, sweaty putrescence. Parker tries to claw free, and he gets his face out just long enough to scream, but it doesn’t last long.

Then he looks like a big smoking turd on the floor.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #34

Someone burned the roast!

As if born from a cocoon, Parker bursts forth from the gross pile of bubbling goo groaning and moaning. At first he can’t see, but then everything coalesces in place, his whole figure becoming that of a… dark, black Spider-Man. He’s even got the same eyes! Those beautiful, doleful, sharp spidery eyes.

“Whoah…” he says, giving us all his best Keanu Reeves impersonation.

Final Thoughts

Is this the part where Peter Parker becomes a Bad Boy and then pisses off everyone he loves? MJ, Aunt May, Gwen, Uncle Ben’s ghost, Flash Thompson, Kong, Nick Fury, the Wasp, Kraven the Hunter, and Harry Osborn’s therapist? In that order? Check back to find out or your money back!*

*no


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Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999)

Tagline:
Every generation has a legend. Every journey has a first step. Every saga has a beginning.

Wide Release Date:
May 19, 1999

Directed by:
George Lucas
Written by:
George Lucas
Produced by:
Rick McCallum

Starring:
Liam Neeson
Ewan McGregor
Natalie Portman
Jake Lloyd
Ian McDiarmid
Anthony Daniels
Kenny Baker
Pernilla August
Frank Oz

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

PREGAME THOUGHTS

This movie was the biggest thing in the world when I was 11-years-old. I couldn’t have cared less, but it was everywhere. My Nickelodeon magazine had an interview with Jake Lloyd where it was like “HEY, JAKE, WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?”

I know about the infamous Jar Jar Binks, I know Qui-Gon Jinn is Obi-Wan Kenobi’s mentor, and I know that Natalie Portman is in it. I’m assuming Jake Lloyd is whiny little brat, and I’m assuming that people dislike this movie because Jake Lloyd is a whiny little brat.

Everything I know about this movie I pieced together from “Weird” Al Yankovic’s “The Saga Begins” song. I’ll talk about that later.

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Planet Naboo is getting blocked by the Trade Federation. It seems that the Trade Federation isn’t happy about new taxes on major trade routes! If you’re 11-years-old and watching this movie, such politics are dreadfully boring. If you’re 35, yay politics! Taxes! Federal regulations! Fun fun fun!

Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his pee-wee rookie Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) are dispatched by the Republic to negotiate terms with the Trade Federation representatives, members of the Neimodian race who are awfully racist ancient Chinese stereotypes. Neimodian Viceroy Nute Gunray (Silas Carson) is ordered by a mysterious Trade Federation benefactor to kill the Jedi. They escape unharmed and flee to Naboo. We get to see a lot of lightsaber wavin’ in the process.

While on Naboo, the planet gets invaded by an army of whozits. The Jedi get caught up in the invasion, and Qui-Gon Jinn accidentally rescues the insufferable Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) from the skirmish. This stupid lizard alien Gungan thing is all like “MEESA SO HAPPY” and takes the two Jedi to his underwater city where he has been exiled by his tribe for being a doofus. Jar Jar’s tribe allows him to go with the Jedi. He’s like “OOOOH BOY MEESA SO HAPPY” and then doesn’t get killed at all for the duration of the movie for some reason.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

MEESA GRATEFUL FOR SEAT AT YOUSA DINNER TABLE! LOOKEE LOOKEE, MEESA ATE ALL THE GREEN BEANS!

The group makes it to Naboo’s capital city, where they save Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman OR Kiera Knightley, depending on the scene) and escape Naboo. On their way to wherever, the ship gets damaged and they have to make an emergency landing on Tatooine, Home of the Skywalkers. Queen Amidala disguises herself as a handmaid and they all go into town to find a new part for their ship, where they meet young Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd). This kid’s a whiz with robots and space pods. He’s the one that made C-3PO, the flamboyant droid we all “know” and “love”. Qui-Gon senses the Force within this kid. All kinds of Force. The Force is just bursting out of his ears.

Anakin is a slave to some CGI bird named Watto. Since Qui-Gon only has Chuck E. Cheese tokens, he can’t pay for a new ship part. He instead bets for the part, and for Anakin’s freedom, on a race. If Anakin wins, yada yada yada. After a 4 hour podrace scene, Anakin wins and he gets to leave Tatooine to become a Jedi! His mother frowns but it’s for the best, isn’t it?

Geez, this writeup already feels long. Before leaving Tatooine, Qui-Gon encounters Darth Maul (Raymond Park) for about a minute where they exchange karate moves. He escapes unscathed, but we haven’t seen the last of Darth Maul!

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

If it pleases the Queen, your highness, I suggest lobbying for more Mike & Ikes in the vending machines.

Queen Amidala is escorted to Federation HQ where she pleads her case to the Senate on behalf of her planet. Naboo’s Senator Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid, and yes, that Palpatine) convinces Amidala to call for a vote of no confidence until a new leader is put into place. Meanwhile, the Jedi Council consisting of Samuel L. Jackson and a green Muppet are like “no” when asked if Anakin can be a Jedi. Qui-Gon takes him under his own wing instead, but he’s going to die later so that won’t work out very well. Spoiler alert.

Amidst all this, Amidala is all sorts of “fuck you” about the politics and decides to go back to Naboo while Palptine sticks around. There, she convinces all the Jar Jar Binksians to help her in the fight against the Trade Federation. A lot of stuff happens! I’ll wrap this up quickly: Darth Maul kills Qui-Gon, with Qui-Gon requesting Obi-Wan to train the little punk. Yoda begrudgingly accepts this apprenticeship. I think Darth Maul died too, but that doesn’t make sense! I thought he shows up later!

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

A double-sided lightsaber is cheating and you fucking know it.

Everyone goes home and has cake.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

“Weird” Al’s “The Saga Begins” has been lost on me all these years. I had no idea that the song gives away the plot of the whole movie, from start to finish! I’ve been listening to that song for decades, and I probably know all the words, but it was all gibberish to me this whole time. I have a whole new appreciation for the song now, and I owe “Weird” Al a debt I will never pay back. Even if I’m tortured into it. You heard me, “Al”. Back off.

I didn’t think this movie was a bad as everyone makes it out to be. I certainly liked it better than Return of the Jedi with its fucking Ewoks. But, then again, I don’t have childhood memories of the original trilogy to hang onto. I don’t even have childhood memories of the prequel trilogy. All I have are fresh eyes on all things Star Wars, and I’m here to tell you that Episode I isn’t half-bad.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder on Coruscant? They call it a “pile of shit”.

I thought Jake Lloyd did a good job as a whiny little kid Anakin; you could do so, so much worse than that. Darth Vader’s origin story is fascinating to me, and the progression from mechnically-inclined little slave kid to Jedi to evil former Jedi is going to good to watch. I also found intrigue in the politics behind the Trade Federation cutting off Naboo and Senator Palpatine pulling some strings behind the scenes, hinting at the evil motherfucker he would soon become. These plot points are juicy, sir. I like me some juicy plot points.

And how about that podracing scene? I’m no fan of action scenes — I’ll be the first AND last person to tell you such a thing — but that was a legitimately tense race. EDGE OF MY SEAT. Do you notice that there wasn’t any music during the whole scene? I did! Definitely a good decision, it added to the tension.

I thought Liam Neeson’s portrayal of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn was perfect. Certainly my favorite character in the film; thoughtful, mild-mannered, Jedi-like you might say. Too bad he died, though. He would’ve made a much better mentor to Anakin, better than Obi-Wan Poopypants Magoo. Maybe we’ll see Obi-Wan’s failures to keep Anakin away from the dark side in the next film.

As you can see, I have nothing intelligent to say about this movie! Moving on.

TOPIC 2 — Jar Jar Binks

What a fucking loser, this guy. That is all.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

MEESA KNOWING MEESA MAKE BIG CRAP IN MEESA PANTS.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Ewan McGregor recalled that his performance in the film consisted of “walking into rooms and looking up”.
Fuck. I can do that. Give me $1,000,000 and I’ll wear my hair all stupid and look up at things all day.

Sets were built only as high as the tops of the actors’ heads, and computer graphics filled in the rest. Liam Neeson was so tall that he cost the set crew an extra $150,000 in construction.
They should’ve chopped his head off and let computer graphics fill in the rest.

Reportedly, after a light-saber scene, Ewan McGregor could be overheard muttering, “‘Do I want to be in Star Wars?’ Fuck yeah!”
McGregor was then swiftly removed from the set for his foul language and received a spanking by George Lucas himself.

The sound of the hovering battle tanks used by the battle droids was created by running an electric razor around a metal salad bowl, and then digitally lowering the pitch.
The sound of Jar Jar Binks talking was created by throwing potato salad against a wall and then fucking it.

Keira Knightley reported to have “cried every single day” due to finding the wardrobe uncomfortable.
Child abuse. George Lucas is a despot, making Keira Knightley wear a wardrobe outfitted with spikes that poked her abdomen for hours upon hours.

According to Ahmed Best, the backlash against Jar Jar got so bad that he briefly considered committing suicide, but decided not to for the sake of his young son.
What a pussy.

George Lucas based Chancellor Valorum on Bill Clinton, calling him “a good man, but he’s beleaguered”.
Ok, Georgie. Let’s keep those $1 words to yourself lest people find out that you’re smarter than your fat neck looks.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

A good man, he is. But beleaguered, he be.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It’s ok. The podracing scene alone is worth the price of admission. The Darth Maul lightsaber fight is supposed to be a classic, but this is the first time I’m really mentioning it so that goes to show how much of an impression it really made on me!

I heard Jake Lloyd got picked on so much for being Anakin Skywalker that he routinely cried and pooped his pants at school. That gets an lol from me. That’s the best part of The Phantom Menace by a long shot, I’d say.


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