Oxygen (2021)

Tagline:
No escape. No memory. 90 minutes to live.

Wide Release Date:
May 12, 2021

Directed by:
Alexandre Aja
Written by:
Christie LeBlanc
Produced by:
Alexandre Aja, Grégory Levasseur, Vincent Maraval, Brahim Chioua, Noëmie Devide

Starring:
Mélanie Laurent
Mathieu Amalric
Malik Zidi

Oxygen

PREGAME THOUGHTS

A choice brought about by scanning Netflix again, as it has been lately. I was in the mood for some suspenseful science fiction, and a movie about a woman trapped in a cryogenic chamber for an entire movie sounded immensely entertaining.

And the rest is history.


THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

A woman (Mélanie Laurent) takes a large, gasping breath. She appears to have woken up in some sort of Hefty bag. After scrambling to tear herself loose, she discovers that she’s trapped in a coffin-sized chamber with various IV hookups and connections to the computer panels that surround her cramped space. She doesn’t know who she is, where she is, or how she got there. The computer, an A.I. being named M.I.L.O. (voiced by Mathieu Amalric) is her only companion. He provides assistance as long as the woman’s commands are possible and/or make sense. Most are not possible.

Oxygen - Liz

You know what? It’s actually kinda cozy in here.

Making matters worse, upon awakening her oxygen levels are down to ~35% and rapidly declining. Most of the movie covers her attempts to take control of her situation, throwing commands at M.I.L.O. to try to pinpoint her whereabouts, escape the chamber, make outside contact with anyone who can rescue her, and even learn who she is. Along the way, she learns her name is Elizabeth Hansen (Liz), she is trapped in a cryogenic chamber, and she herself is a doctor of cryogenics. Most attempts to escape prove to be fruitless. The police can’t figure out where she is. Her chamber is reported to have been destroyed three years prior. M.I.L.O. is unable to perform certain commands and answer certain questions, warning of security clearance codes and/or the impossibility of requests. Research into her own identity reveals a man named Léo Ferguson (Malik Zidi) who seems to be both a romantic partner and the key to her situation.

She finds the residence of Léo, but a woman on the other end of the connection claims he is dead. The woman then calls her back and gives her very cryptic information about her situation, that she will die if she leaves the chamber, and that she needs to “find Léo”. The woman then instructs Liz to disable centrifuge controls, which causes her to float in zero-gravity. Liz’s chamber is located in outer space. Humankind on Earth will be completely eradicated by a virus, the same virus that has killed Liz’s husband Léo, and she is part of a mission to relocate to an distant planet and repopulate the species. She is one among 10,000 other chambers together on a one-way trip. About 500 have been destroyed, along with their inhabitants, by a rogue asteroid and are considered lost. Liz’s chamber is the only undamaged, but “lost” chamber, with a conscious inhabitant.

Oxygen - Liz and M.I.L.O.

Yo, how do I get Minesweeper on this bitch?

Oxygen continues to decrease. Liz tries to call her aging mother, but she seems very confused before the connection is lost. Her attempts to reroute processors and disable non-essential functions are unsuccessful. She briefly prepares for jettisoned suicide, but has the idea to search other chambers for Léo. Liz’s memories of her years of cryogenic experimentation reveals Léo’s pod number, and she discovers pod-Léo’s forehead is without the Harry Potter scar she remembers him having. Through this revelation and a discovered video of an elderly Elizabeth Hansen giving a presentation on genetic replication, pod-Liz concludes correctly that she, and everyone else she’s with, is a clone with implanted personalities and memories. This news, as you may assume, is unspeakably devastating for her.

When the oxygen levels drop below 2%, M.I.L.O. initiates a lethal injection protocol. Liz barely escapes it.

With barely 1% of oxygen left, Liz is told that she will be able to divert oxygen from the ruined pods to hers as long as she’s in hypersleep. Otherwise, the process takes too long to survive awake. With the final thousandths of a percent dwindling, she manages to reattach all her tubes and hookups before hypersleep.

The movie ends with Liz and Léo on a beach, enjoying lives on the new planet. Such a happy ending.

Oxygen - Liz's Pod

You know what? I changed my mind. Cremation sounds like the way to go.


TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — The Plot Progression and Laurent’s Acting

The plot progression was absolutely brilliant. This is not a movie to go into with any prior knowledge. The whole fun of the movie is that you’re trapped in the box with Liz and you know everything that she knows from the very beginning. She even needs to relearn her own name! You experience everything she experiences… except all the tubes and hookups and the various large needles. That, and unlike her you don’t have to worry about is dying — unless someone shoots you in the head John Wilkes Booth-style while you’re watching. Liz is stuck in this box for the entire movie and there’s never a lull. The audience learns piece by piece what is happening, why it’s happening, and the last thing left is learning what the hell she can do about it before her time is out and she’s flopping around like a fish.

Laurent needs to carry the entire thing. Her emotions are realistically all over the place, mainly bouncing between panic, anger and calmness. There’s a scene where she gets extremely pissed off after learning that she’s a clone of the original Liz; fighting against the notion of her own disposability. “I WANT TO LIVE!” she screams, pounding on the ceiling.

Oxygen - Liz Dying

Hey! As it turns out, I need oxygen to live!

TOPIC 2 — The Ending

I didn’t like the ending. I understand that this was supposed to be a suspense story, and with a suspense story one gets a release from all the tension. Usually that means a happy ending. I would have preferred an ambiguous ending.

I don’t even want go there yet. How about the final, successful attempt to stay alive? After a whole movie of believable roadblocks in the way of every single idea Liz had, you finally have M.I.L.O. say “oh wait, how about this thing we could’ve done the whole time?” It was his idea! He didn’t need Liz to worm her way through a labyrinth of the correct questions and prompts to get to it. It was just, hey queen, some of these vessels are broken anyway so how about we divert resources? Sorry for making you hyperventilate away all that oxygen for 80 minutes.

Now that we have that out of the way, the movie actually ends showing Liz and Léo embracing on a beach, alive and okay. Not cool, man. Léo alone on the beach would’ve been interesting. Maybe the footsteps or shadow of someone approaching. The suspense of the story would have benefitted from leaving the movie open-ended, akin to the spinning top from Inception. We don’t need to know for sure if Liz is alive! We just need to know that she gained all the important knowledge and slipped into hypersleep with a sense of peace and satisfaction!

Huff.

Oxygen - Liz and Léo

View from the Roomba.

TOPIC 3 — Clones

I happened to watch Oxygen shortly after watching Moon, with both dealing with the subject of clones learning that they are clones. While Sam Rockwell’s character in Moon has all of his memories implanted, Liz in Oxygen knows absolutely nothing about who she is until she gets clues that jog her memory.

But let’s say she never got those clues. How was this new planet supposed to work with all these clones? Was it supposed to be swarming with full-blown adults ambling around with no memories of any past experiences, or even what their own names are? Were they supposed to figure out, from scratch, their basic proficient skills? Were past doctors and scientists going to grab a broom and be like “I can be a janitor!” Were they just supposed to find one another and fuck and create a normal generation of people who actually had names and childhood memories?

Oxygen - Liz's Articles

Science Ethique’s swimsuit edition! Check the centerfold.

That’s the only part that I think wasn’t very well-thought out. BUT, take that component out of the logic for cloning and you ruin the entire movie! In short, don’t think too hard about it.


IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Anne Hathaway was originally attached to the project. She later dropped out and was replaced by Noomi Rapace. After the project was put into turnaround, Mélanie Laurent was cast in the lead role when Alexandre Aja came on board.
The French film had cast the American lady, and then cast a Swedish lady after the American lady dropped out, and then cast the French lady for the French film after the Swedish lady dropped out! Hey man, I would’ve done it!

The turntable playing a record at 40′ is an Audio Linear TD-4001, a look-alike of the Transcriptor’s Hydraulic Reference used in A Clockwork Orange (1971).
Scraping the bottom of the barrel for trivia again. This movie that’s essentially one big bottle episode about a lady trapped in a coffin-sized capsule didn’t have much to contribute as trivia, did it? Here, I got one: Liz Hansen had to pee her pants three times for the duration of her 100+ minutes of consciousness. She enjoyed the sensation.

The destination planet mentioned in the movie, Wolf 1061 c, is an actual super Earth exoplanet discovered in 2015. According to NASA’s website: The planet is 14 light-years from Earth. It has an orbital period of 17.9 days. Its mass is 3.41 Earths with an estimated gravity of 1.66 x Earth.
See, now this is actually interesting! If you’re a casual space nerd like me, you like knowing the stats of various exoplanets! Here’s some additional trivia: with an orbital period of 17.9 days, a 35-year-old loser like me would be ~714 years old on Wolf 1061 c. Bust out the AARP card.

Oxygen - Old Liz

An oxygen therapy tube. How fitting.


IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes. Unless, of course, you read this whole post without seeing the movie and spoiled everything. Literally everything. Then it’s not worth a watch, sorry.

Watch it in French with the subtitles. You have to be some sort of psychopath to watch anything overdubbed if there’s a subtitles option, but since this movie is carried by Laurent’s performance, one should really be in it to watch her… perform. Crazy as that sounds. I imagine overdubs lose a lot of what makes the tension powerful, but what do I know? Is it overdubbed by H. Jon Benjamin? If so, for the love of God, watch it that way instead! His voice is great!

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576 – “AnarchY2Knowledge”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Superman: Endgame collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576 – “AnarchY2Knowledge”!

In the previous issue of the Superman: Endgame collection, Clark spends an entire issue trying to beat up Brainiac 13 while Lois talks extensively about how great Clark is and how much he’s grown and how much Metropolis means to him and how much their marriage is a marriage. I hated it.

Metropolis is being “digitized” before everyone’s very eyes, according to Jimmy Olsen, PhD. In the end, Superman also gets digitized and absorbed within the machine that is turning Metropolis into a crazy, futuristic computer world. Superman has been compromised, now who will help stop Brainiac?

If you guess “who cares”, then you are correct!

In the previous issue of Adventures of Superman Vol. 1, Lex Luthor gifts Lois and Clark with tickets to the opera, where he slips Clark some laxatives and tries to make a move on Lois in his absence. Other stuff happens too, but I think that’s pretty hilarious in of itself.

Now we move on with the Brainiac story. Hope it doesn’t keep sucking!


Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #575 [March, 2000]
Written by: Mark Millar / Stewart Immonen
“AnarchY2Knowledge”

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576

“He is still Superman. The face might be blue, the costume might be different and the powers might all be wrong… but he’s still the same Man of Steel who’s saved this city more times than even he can remember.”

The narration brings us right where we left off! Superman is witnessing firsthand the nanobots replacing Metropolis with nanotechnology. Far out, man! The Year 2000 really is the future! “Is this still Metropolis?” one thinks as stuff that looks cooler than Metropolis replaces all the sucky stuff about Metropolis.

Lois and Jimmy Olsen chat casually about Superman like they’re commentating a football game.

“Uh, I’m not sure Superman transforming into his old, electric-blue self was the lucky break we were hoping for, Lois. He kinda looks unsteady on his feet out there.”
“Something tells me the old look wasn’t exactly his idea, Jim. Superman barely seems to recognize his own body.”

I’m not sure what this “old look” is referring to exactly. Superman used to be electric-blue? News to me. Maybe I’ll find out some day. Or maybe one of you chucklefucks reading this can drop me a comment. Or maybe I can just look it up! All solid options.

“Superman was the only real obstacle that stood in the way of [Brainiac] turning Metropolis into one big supercomputer,” Lois says, observing that Brainiac is doing everything he can to stop the Man of Steel Man. And if that means turning him blue, then that means turning him blue.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576

Now, if they were to turn into cries for “write an article”, then I’ll be whistling a different tune!

“Well, we can’t just stand around, Lois,” says Jimmy, fully intending to just stand around with his camera anyway. Gotta get those crisp and clean close-up shots for a newspaper that won’t exist anymore soon. Lois ain’t having that, she’s going to play Superlady and help the public. Maybe she’ll go find Ma and Pa Kent, the biggest hayseeds that are currently in the city. Pa’s probably losing his mind that his oversized belt buckle is getting a digital upgrade.

Superman is making the most of his bad situation. “I don’t know what you’ve done to me, Brainiac, and frankly, I don’t much care…” he says, taking a petulant swipe at the Big Bad Big-Brained Brainiac, “…but this city is under my protection and I won’t let you or any of your lackeys hurt another human being.”

Always so altruistic! What if Superman had an ulterior motive for all of his good deeds? “This lady’s so gonna give me a handjob” would be a pretty big motivator. Especially if that lady is Wonder Woman, of course! Heh heh heh.

Brainiac whips out some real Doctor Octopus rip-off electric tentacles and zaps the big blue bitch right on the chest. Not a good time. One way or another, Superman is closing Brainiac down. How do I know this? Because Superman says “One way or another, I’m closing you down.”

A few figures are scrambling around the LexCorp Building. One of them is *squints* Lex Luthor himself. He’s with his daughter and her caretaker, again. At the end of Superman: Y2K, Lex inserted a chip into her daughter’s brain. Or something to that effect. Now she speaks as a conduit for an older version of Brainiac’s software. “[Brainiac 13] is everything I was scheduled to be eight hundred centuries from now.”

That’s a lot of centuries! That’s, like 80 millenniums. Millennia? The year 82,000? Humanity will be extinct by then, and who’s going to be maintaining Brainiac’s upgrades that far in the future? The Lizard People? Please. The Lizard People will have better things to do.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576

It’s not like Lex would be saying anything much nicer to his daughter during peacetime.

Lex comments that, 800 centuries or no 800 centuries of advancement, ANY version of Brainiac is just as evil and destructive as any OTHER version of Brainiac. Lex holds his daughter up and looks her square in the eye. “The only reason I’m even tolerating your presence is that you’re the best chance we have of eliminating the thing.”

Brainiac Lena does admit that it is the ONLY entity that knows where the one piece of machinery is that’s shielded from Brainiac 13. And if you think it’s at the Starbucks on 4th and State, you are sadly mistaken! It’s actually at the Starbucks on 7th and Monroe.

Anyway, Brainiac 13’s power core is on the 100th floor of the LexCorp Building. That’s between the 99th floor and the 101st floor for any dummies in the room. Let’s go cut the power! And avoid those giant sentry bugs, they’ll try to horse around with you. Blasting you to kingdom come and the like.

“Obeying my every command is our only chance of sabotaging that power supply, Luthor,” Brainiac Lena says. Obeying commands is certainly not something Luthor is used to, but he knows the stakes. If Brainiac tells him to suck his own penis, then you’d better believe Lex is immediately removing some ribs Marilyn Manson-style.

Oh yeah, sorry, Lena’s caretaker got killed. Such is the price to pay for saving the world! Ho hum.

“Thanks to nanotech overhaul, Metropolis General Hospital has been doubling in size every forty-five minutes since the stroke of midnight…” It’s not enough, though! People are getting injured in droves, and apparently they’re flying in people from Indonesia? Why the hell would a hospital that keeps doubling in size not be able to keep up? People are exponentially getting hurt and killed?

Jimmy runs into his buddy Ron, the guy who knocked up Lois’ sister Lucy. She had a bad fall and they’re at the hospital to check on the baby. “Trouble is, we got separated and now the whole building’s changed shape!” Sucker turned into a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, without all the urine and feces. Well, on second thought, with all the urine and feces, actually. “I can’t find her anywhere, Jim! Tell me you and Lois have some idea what’s going on here!”

Why the fuck would Jimmy “Cameraman” Olsen and Lois “Superman’s Fuck Buddy” Lane have any more idea than Ronnie over here? Show me their credentials.

TV screens show rapidly flickering images of other cities all over the world. It’s not a Metropolis problem anymore, kids. Brainiac is taking over the whole Earth!

Took long enough.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576

Emote while I’m pummeling you, Brainiac! EMOTE!

Superman, meanwhile, is still trying to hand Brainiac’s butt over to him on a silver platter, but he’s fresh out of silver platters. There are barely any paper platters! Brainiac’s not even breaking a sweat here, which isn’t odd because robots don’t sweat anyway. It’s a figure of speech, man. Be nice.

Brainiac zaps Superman again. This causes him to see all sorts of visions. Six billion people in the world, and Brainiac wants Superman to make sure he can hear the cries of every single one of them! Even the ones who are asleep right now and/or blissfully unaware of any crazy technological advancements happening in the world since they live in a remote Chinese farm or a Tahitian hut. “But he’s still Superman after all, and six billion cries for help are just six billion more reasons to scatter this monster’s hard drive to the outer reaches of the universe.”

Remember when there were only six billion people in the world. How quaint.

Lex keeps getting closer to the main power supply. Will he be the one who will stop all this madness while Superman flails around with his cock in his hand? Here up in the labyrinthian LexCorp floors, Lex finds his two female bodyguards who were training him to fight back in Superman: Y2K. He’s snotty about this, since they’ve been all but absent for the last, like, 45 hours. They offer their sincerest apologies, since once the building started doing the change-a-ma-roo, they got trapped in the walls. Now Luthor’s got some muscle! Who fucking needs Superman anyway? Useless, that guy. Like plastic fruit.

Lucy Lane is alone in a dark ultrasound room. “What’s going on? Where did everybody go?” she asks herself, completely unaware of everything, apparently. She yells for Ron, but Ron ain’t anywhere. She looks for a door, but door ain’t anywhere. The ultrasound TV screen flashes an image of Brainiac, and Lucy’s all like “WAAAHH”.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576

Ron, where are you?! Our favorite show is on!!

Jimmy and Ron find the door and enter, thanking the Good Lord Jesus Christ Our Savior that they were able to find Lucy before something was too late, whatever that something might be. Before Brainiac pre-empted Wheel of Fortune?

Hugs and kisses abound. Nothing for Jimmy, of course, but he takes it in stride. Also, danger ahead: a speeding train (with its tracks being created ahead of it) races toward the hospital! The occupants are like “WE’RE GONNA DIE!” Ma and Pa Kent are on the train, too. Ma is fretting, all like “do you think we’re gonna die, Pa?” and Pa, cool as a cucumber, chuckles and guffaws and pours himself a delicious glass of cherry cola on the rocks and toasts a glass and, three microseconds from impact, says “Absolutely not, Martha. Clark won’t let us down.”

Superman does excuse himself from trying to beat up Brainiac to stop the train, and I think he succeeds? Well, no, I suppose he reroutes the train instead of stopping it. Stopping it is very hard to do. Ma wonders if Clark has eaten his Wheaties today, but Pa chuckles and guffaws and cleans his glasses and kicks back with the sports section of the newspaper and says “He’s fine, Martha. Our boy’s just climbing back into the saddle like his old man taught him to.”

Gross. I don’t think Pa realizes what that means entirely in a EUPHEMISTIC sense. Also, Pa’s optimism is cloying. Have a little fear once in a while, you bumpkin.

“There are four hundred and seventeen passengers onboard that train and every single one of them is dead if I’m weak!” Superman cries to himself. Look, man, go to therapy.

So Superman gets to the front of the train and starts pushing back. Pushing and pushing. Push, push, push, push! Push push, you’ve got this! Push, keep pushing! It’s crowning, it’s beautiful! Push push push!

“Now what?” Luthor asks his brainy baby.

“What do you think, you bald-headed oaf? We free the real Superman?”

“What? Is this some kind of joke?”

Before them is a visage of Superman in stasis. Brainiac had used some psychic energy to channel the blah blah blah and whoozits into formulating the yammer yammer and reconstructing the hoopla from the required yada yada energy signature from the power core. You follow?

Time to get Superman back, boy howdy.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576

This guy? Look at him. He’s drunk!

Blue Superman is still trying to stop the train like a weak, useless sack of poopy sludge. “BRAINIAC?! You’ve nothing to gain by killing innocent people, damn you! Take me instead!” Well, that kind of foul-mouth language won’t get you anywhere. Say please next time, you rude so-and-so you.

… ok, he’ll try taking you now. Electric octopus tentacles and a “BZZT” and a “NGH!” and here we are. Superman begs, without saying please mind you, for Brainiac to stop trying to kill him for a minute so he can stop the dang train.

“He’s not Superman. The face is blue, the costume is different and the powers are all wrong,” proclaims the rather blunt narration. “He’s not Superman–” Brainiac sticks some very sharp pokey things through Blue Superman’s back, impaling him, taking away his dignity. Sad. “–and he never will be.”

Blue Superman screams like a little baby.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #576

No shit, dummy. This is why you’re the dummy and Brainiac is the brainiac, dummy.

Luthor punches his hairy neanderthal knuckles into a keypad. Baby Brainiac tells him to hurry the fuck up so that they can, like, not die. Luthor is getting flustered, so his two bodyguards tell him to step back so that they can make short work of it.

Then they kick the tube holding the Superman recreation in stasis. It works. He flops to the floor like a depressing, buff fish. “I never thought I’d be pleased to see this spit-curled charlatan, but I must admit my heart is almost racing,” Luthor drawls. Let’s see your mental acuity, stat! *snaps fingers* *kicks the dead weight* You’re good. Time to stop Brainiac, nerd.

Superman grunts and moans, remembers that he has been stabbed by brainiac while trying to stop a train, and now the train has plowed into a Planet Hollywood and exploded into a torrent of shrapnel and feces. Superman has been beaten. All is lost. Time to hang up the towel, Lex. Find him a towel to hang up, please.

“Spoken with the usual ill-informed certainty, Superman, but I’m afraid it’s only the first battle which has been lost. The war is just beginning.”

Sounds promising. Getting into the thick of a war is always a great, dandy idea. Let’s do the war thing.

The last page shows the Metropolis skyline. It looks like shit.

Final Thoughts

I AM NOT INVESTED IN THIS STORY. Give me photoshopped wedding rings any day!

Paper Girls, Issue #23

* Part 3 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 5 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #23! In the previous installment, Wari is an old woman hanging out in 2171. She and Jahpo are siblings, as it turns out (or at least as Wari is leading him to believe). He gets word that his team has narrowed down the whereabouts of the girls and only a few more pieces of the puzzle remain. Suspense!

Meanwhile, Tiff accidentally breaks the Tree of Knowledge while kicking the librarian’s ass, so now they need to figure out what to do next. The girls split up with walkie-talkies; Mac/KJ together, and Erin/Tiffs on the other team. At the end of the issue, Mac and KJ hear a distress call over the walkie-talkie. A voice cries for help because someone’s dead!

“Who… who was that?” Mac asks.

“How do you not recognize that voice?” KJ responds. “It was you.”

Chills!


Paper Girls, Issue #23 [August, 2018]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #23

Seven of Nine on the cover trying to sell you her black market antiques! Get an 8-track tape while you still can!

Looks like the peddler woman and the police didn’t actually kill each other. She’s running around the deserted streets of downtown while the police fly around the buildings looking for her. Her zap gun is at the ready.

She overhears the voices of preteen girls…

“Careful,” Tiff says as they approach one of those Futurama suicide booths. “I wouldn’t go in there if I was you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m kind of the only person in this trio who isn’t you, Tiffany,” Erin snaps back haughtily.

Erin thinks she has stumbled upon a phone booth, but the Tiffs are not at all confident. “Maybe it’s another time machine? Like in Bill & Ted’s.

Come on, Double-Oh Tiff. Don’t you know Bill & Ted doesn’t come out until 1989? She thought for sure she had seen it by the time she was 12, but I guess not.

ANYWAY, the booth starts filling up with gas, and panic from all parties ensues. When Tiff readies to throw her walkie-talkie at the glass, the peddler stops her. “U crays 1ah bringbak de BluLifes?!”

Paper Girls, Issue #23

Those two owe me $12 for that album by the Shaggs I sold them six years ago.

The Tiffs are like “hey, we thought you were dead, that’s funny” while Erin bangs on the glass angrily. “Ducalm. Yusta KleenBox,” the woman assures her. It’s for bugs. Like lice. Giant lice. I guess that’s a problem in the year MMCLXXI? “U3 talklike Cherch kin. Wear u btchz frum?”

She hits a button and starts speaking 1988. The girls ask her if she knows a woman named Wari. Yeah, she knows a Wari all right. Fuck Wari.

“The Wari we met was Jahpo’s mother,” Erin says, confused, when the woman calls Wari his sister. She ain’t got no dang clue where one can find her, although the newspaper did a story on her a few months ago. The woman opens up her coat to reveal a photo of Wari smiling with the city in the background. Erin recognizes one of the buildings.

No time for talking anymore. The police are still giving chase! “Scatter!” the woman yells, and then she runs off. Doesn’t matter, Erin is content with the conversation. She got what she needed! Now to just–

*kzzt* “Michelangelo to Donatello, can you hear me Donatello?” *kzzt*

Tiff is Donatello. Michelangelo is Mac BECAUSE OF THE ORANGE HAIR, GET IT? I figured that out by context! Mac wants to know if the others heard anything weird on the radio just now. They answer in the negative. Over and out.

Mac shrugs this off completely, while KJ is still very much concerned like a normal person. The ambulance they were chasing was left open by the paramedics, so they start moving to sneak into the vehicle to see if they can find some cancer cough syrup.

“I’m just saying, if that really was some kind of… of future broadcast, the person you were saying was dead was probably me,” KJ says, not letting it go. It’s like, come on! Let it go! Mac’s gonna die next, don’t you get it. Cancer cure, remember! Let’s GO. Plus, if KJ had the visions then she would know what’s gonna happen, right?

“Were either of us dead in your vision?” Mac asks pointedly.

“Uh-uh,” KJ answers, looking down. “We were… romantic.”

UGGHHHH. GODDAMNIT, KJ.

“The two of us?” Mac squints. “As in, you and me…?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s disgusting.”

KJ apologizes, but Mac shoves her away and tells her not to touch her. KJ looks heartbroken. Mac looks equally sad for a panel, but then reverts back to angry. “If you want to grow up to be a pervert, I can’t stop you. But it’s got jack to do with me, got it?”

“Got it,” KJ says, standing back up.

Mac runs into the hospital. KJ, trailing, grabs a future-scalpel from the ambulance and follows her in.

Paper Girls, Issue #23

Time for KJ to cut a bitch.

Using controlled Folding procedures (VUR VUR VUR VURRRRRR), Alister has safely travelled to November 1, 1988 where this all started (and he’s gonna get hella killed because we’ve already been through this).

“True to form, it looks as if the little thief and his accomplices have been pilfering archaic hardware from each area they’ve invaded,” Alister reports as he rummages through a sack of electronics, include Tiff’s walkie-talkie. I must reiterate that this is some first storyline shit. Alister calls for backup, and backup comes in the form of a hella violet sky. This is just about the time that Erin gets shot, fans will remember! And I’m a fan!

Erin and the Tiffs are taking an elevator in a high-rise and checking the hallways of one floor at a time. “Trust me, this is definitely the right place,” Erin says as all evidence points to the contrary. There ain’t anything here, Erin. Stop being so confident, Erin.

They all go down the hallway arguing until they’re stopped by Wari’s eyeball caretaker. “Good evening. How are you, Erin Tieng?”

Why does this eyeball know her? And it doesn’t know the Tiffs, so it takes its arms and starts strangling the both of them against the walls. “LET THEM GO!” Erin screams insomuch as Erin can scream. It’s pretty loud these days. She takes out a trusty pocket knife and starts considering cutting the robot arms off, but then Wari appears to call off her robot. “Stop it, goddamnit. Turn yourself off, machine.”

It gladly does.

Paper Girls, Issue #23

Wow! Wow! It’s the old hag! Things are going to fine now!

“Wari, it’s me, Erin. I don’t know if you remember, but we met, like, thousands of years ago. I was the girl from the future? Well, it used to be the future, but now I guess it’s–”

Cork it, Erin. Wari remembers. In fact, according to her, Erin was just here the other day! And it’s like, buh-what?! Why is everything crazy in the future? This shit is crazy! What’s going on here! BLUBB BLUBUBUBUB! BLBUBBBUB!

Paper Girls, Issue #23

Ain’t I a stinker?

The hospital is full of really injured people. It looks like an emergency room. A doctor enters a room that says “STAFF ONLY – NO PATIENTS” and finds a couple of girls who are definitely not STAFF ONLY.

“You speak Olde English?” the doctor says after KJ tells him that who they are is none of his concern. “And you do too, huh?” Mac replies. “Awesome, ‘cause I’m just looking for some kind of booster shot, and then I promise we’ll be out of your hair.”

The doctor, who has no hair by the way, tells Mac to open her mouth. She complies. “That’s what I thought,” he says. “There’s nothing I can do for you.”

It’s because she doesn’t have an insurance chip lodged in her whatever. He can’t help she who is not covered. I guess health care is still shitty in the year 2171. KJ pulls out her scalpel and threatens the doctor with the ol’ slice and dice. “You wouldn’t be the first guy I’ve killed, understand?” He understands. “Cool. You help my friend stay alive, I do the same for you.”

Mac looks at her like she’s gonna kiss her. “Badass,” she smiles.

Final Thoughts

That’s right, Doc! You just go ahead and give her some of those good cancer pills. Real nice like. That’s a good lad.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28 – “Sidetracked”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Public Scrutiny storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28 – “Sidetracked”! Thank you for joining me for another rip-roaring Ultimate Spider-Man adventure. It will surely be one for the books! In the previous storyline, the Green Goblin is at it again, and this time he’s greener and gobliner! Norman Osborn knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man, and he’s going to make Parker his personal slave because he’s tired of the kid nosing around business that doesn’t concern him. And if doesn’t do everything that Osborn asks, he will murder him and his family and his friends and MJ Watson but NOT his Uncle Ben (already dead).

Nick Fury is involved too, but barely. Norman ends up stymied by his own hubris long enough for his son to ram a very large metal spike through his back! Cool stuff. Nick Fury tells Parker that he owns him when he turns 18 (sexy!) and he shouldn’t tell MJ anything about any of this. We already see the beginning of this driving a wedge between the two of them.

EXCITING! I have no idea what to expect with this next story, since we’ve just about exhausted my entire Spider-Man knowledge up to this point. And there’s still a million issues to go. Can’t wait.


Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28 [December, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Sidetracked”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28

What’s with the exposed crotch pose? You can see the curvature of Spider-Man’s butthole.

In the high school library, Peter Parker is excitedly reading up on molecules and other exhilarating science-related subjects when MJ excitedly runs up to him screeching like a feral baboon. She looks like she’s about to eat his head off with joy. “PETER!!! Come on!”

“What’s going on?” Parker asks, unnerved and, frankly, terrified.

“Did you bring your costume to school?” she asks excitedly. Feral. Baboon-like.

Because guess what? There’s a fucking transformer robot thing terrorizing the school! I like how MJ is portrayed as some hyper girl with manic immaturity once in a while. It’s endearing. Not like pisspants Parker. That kid can suck 100 lemons.

“A half hour ago, this large monstrosity you see – a man calling himself only the Rhino – literally charged head first into Chase Manhattan Bank at Lexington and 55th.” And indeed, some very huge rhino dude is plunging into cars on the street, rendering them into scrap metal. He’s using his head to toss the cars at the police! He looks angry! He shoulda had a Snickers LOL LOLL LOLL

“This is going on now?” Parker frowns.

“This is going on now,” MJ grins.

“Wow,” Parker frowns heavier.

“I know,” MJ grins wider. She tells him to fucking go kick his ass, and being the lusty chump that he is, he’s going to listen to MJ and go kick his ass because maybe he’ll get a little second base tonight. Maybe even second-and-a-half base! Use your imagination.

After Parker leaves, MJ taunts the TV.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28

Rhino’s got NOTHING on MJ’s intensity.

Rhino destroys a school bus and launches it about a million feet into the air. MJ betrays a hint of nervousness.

Peter runs through the empty hallway to his locker and pulls out his backpack, checking inside where his costume safely tucked. He rounds the next corner and spots a smiling Aunt May. “Hello, sweetie,” she says to his bewildered face. She gives him a big ol’ hug and asks him why the fucking hell he’s not in class right. ‘Cause he’s got the shits, Aunt May! The shits! There’s a big Rhino guy who needs some beat-’em-ups! He has the shits! Get out of his way, hag.

Nope! No such luck, May’s got a parent/teacher meeting with Mr. Depalma, Parker’s math teacher. Seems like he’s been adding 6 + 6 and getting 11. Time to hash this problem out forthwith. Mr. Depalma invites them both into his office for a friendly chat. Aunt May thinks this is a dandy idea! Let’s all be in on this meeting!

Gulp! And so forth.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28

Ms. Parker, it pains me to inform you that your nephew has been eating the paste and then pooping the paste back into the paste bottle.

Peter’s been a model student. He’s got the capacity and the mental wherewithal to tackle even the mightiest of math problems. He just seems to be distracted lately, all kinds of staring out the window and chewing on his textbook. In fact, Peter is staring out the window as they all speak. “And although it hasn’t affected his studies yet…” Depalma continues, “…I thought it was worth talking about before the damage is done.”

May gives Parker the side-eye. What a goddamn cosmic joke, her nephew slacking in school like this. Rhino or no Rhino, math is more important! 6 + 6 = 12! Get with the program!

Parker tears himself away from the window and pleads his case. He’s like “uhhh, look, I’m supposed to be teaching some nerdy foreign exchange student the wonders of ionic bonds and the periodic table and it’s very urgent and can I go please”. Aunt May buys this awful lie and tells him he can run along now. And he does.

He gets to the double doors leading outside and spots the principal speaking with some kid wearing one of those badges that tells the other kids that he’s a huge nerd who is either a hall monitor or some kind of JROTC member. Parker stops dead in his tracks, does an about face, and runs off before the principal can see who he is. Now he tries running through the cafeteria kitchen and finds a guy watching TV while washing the dishes. “…but there does seem to be some kind of declaration being made by this Rhino person. We can’t hear what he is saying, but he’s yelling quite viciously at the police.”

Parker can’t believe this whole ordeal is still going on and he hasn’t been able to fix the situation yet with his cartwheels and his catty remarks. Finally, Parker is able to exit a door leading to the alley and finds Gwen Stacy hunched in a corner sobbing.

“Gwen? What happened?”

“Nothin’.”

“Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?”

“No. No I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“*sniff* Yeah.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28

Nothing to see here. Suicide watch will handle this! They’ll be here any minute. To watch her suicide.

“Oh – ok then,” Parker hazards, then starts to turn away.

“Yeah, go ahead!! Everybody else leaves me – you go too. Go right ahead.”

Heh heh. Um.

She makes sounds like “AAGGHH!” and “HUHUHUHUNNGGGGKK!!!” and I’m not even exaggerating here. Parker shifts nervously, then tries to calm her down.

“I think my mom is leaving,” she finally says. Oh… well, Parker’s uncle is dead! Checkmate!

Gwen heard her mom over the phone talk about it. Parker says not to jump to conclusions, perhaps she was just venting! Blowing off some steam! Women say things all the time they don’t mean *nudge* right Gwen? Heh heh… *nudge nudge*

“I heard her say the words ‘My life in this house sickens me. I hate the people life stuck me with.’”

Ah, yeah, that sounds pretty bad. Look on the bright side!… the clouds… are… they’re shaped like things?… hey, how about we get out of the dumpster?

Parker says he’d love to be able to help, but he has something really important to attend to. His flaccid penis. She sulkily tells him “fine” and he shuffles off like a dimwit, all hunched over and sheepish. He says he’ll talk later, he promises, and tries to continue off to the downtown Manhattan area where someone out of his league is killing police officers and kicking kids around.

Outside the school, MJ spots him from a window and wonders what the everloving hell he’s still doing on the school property. “Go! That freak tossed a bus into a Starbucks!” she yells.

Never mind that now, MJ. Gwen is crying right now and Parker would really appreciate some girl-to-girl time. Go help her out, she’s a sobbing mess. A real shameless affair. It’s gross, actually. Please help.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28

Yeah. Tongue-kissing Oscar the Grouch.

MJ is completely taken aback. He wants her to calm her rival down? “God – she’s such a drama queen,” MJ says, dismissing the whole idea altogether. Parker tells her to go. MJ tells him to go! And being the lusty chump that he is, he’s going to listen to MJ and go because maybe he’ll get a little second-and-three-quarters base tonight.

Still not yet off the school grounds, Parker’s Spidey-Sense starts tingly-tingling. He wonders why for about two nanoseconds before he gets hit in the back of the head with a football. “TEN POINTS! AAAHHH HA HA HA!”

Fuckin’ Flash Thompson with his stupid bowlcut. While Flash and his mouth-breathing friends laugh, Parker grabs the football and launches that fucker into the sun. He smirks triumphantly as his abusers gape at the thing flying a hundred miles away. Then they turn around angrily and start chasing him.

“Prepare for the atomic wedgie to end all atomic wedgies, Parker!!”

No! Ouch! Flash and his posse round the corner and find nothing. Vacant. No little snot-nose Peter Parker to be seen. That’s because he’s already become Spider-Man and starts heading his way to where the action is! He gets closer and closer, he can see smoke and burned out cars. He’s almost there!…

“As you can hear, the reaction on the street is jubilance. Jubilance and gratitude for a selfless hero. The invincible Iron Man has easily bested the mysterious monstrosity that inflicted himself on our city.”

Iron Man floats there looking all like “give it up for meeeeee” while Spider-Man stares from a lamppost. Thunder thoroughly stolen.

A man spots Spider-Man from below. “Where were you ten minutes ago?”

Spider-Man swings away. “At least I tried.”

Final Thoughts

Bottle episode! This was a bottle episode and I’m not having it! Give me some real story!!

Nah, just kidding, I like these kinds of issues. George Costanza would be thrilled to see nothing happening. Hey, maybe I’ll go watch some Seinfeld! Thanks for reminding me.

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Tagline:
The Star Wars saga continues…

Wide Release Date:
May 21, 1980

Directed by:
Irvin Kershner
Screenplay by:
Leigh Brackett, Lawrence Kasdan
Story by:
George Lucas
Produced by:
Gary Kurtz

Starring:
Mark Hamill
Harrison Ford
Carrie Fisher
Billy Dee Williams
Anthony Daniels
David Prowse
Kenny Baker
Peter Mayhew
Frank Oz

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Hot off the heels of my very first voluntary viewing of A New Hope, here I present my first voluntary viewing of The Empire Strikes Back. Chills.

Considered the best movie in the franchise, and a rare example of a sequel that is claimed to be better than its predecessor, The Empire Strikes Back is a HALLMARK of space opera science fiction containing flamboyant droids, lightsabers, and pointed-eared green Muppets. You can take that to the bank.

The only other thing I know about this movie is that Yoda is in it! Also, something about Billy Dee Williams dying? Maybe?


THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

The Empire is mad, and it’s striking back, baby! The year is 3 ABY (did I get that right? Hey, look at me doing the Star Wars timeline thing), and Darth Vader (James Earl Jones) is searching the galaxy for the Rebel Alliance. He finds a base on the icy planet of Hoth. He strikes. Oh, does he ever strike.

Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), meanwhile, is a nerd who almost freezes to death while out investigating one of the Empire’s probes. During his near-death experience, he sees a vision of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) instructing him to visit the planet Dagobah to train to become one of those Jedi-type guys. There’s a green Muppet who’s going to help the shit out of him.

During the battle on Hoth, Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), Leia (Carrie Fisher), and C-3PO (a robot) escape on the Millennium Falcon and hide in an asteroid field. It’s tense. And sexy. Han Solo sexes Leia up, or at least makes some disrespectful advances toward her at any rate. Meanwhile, Darth Vader and his bounty hunter Boba Fett pursue the Millennium Falcon.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Daft Punk is here to tear it up!

Luke travels to Dagobah with R2-D2 to find this Yoda (Frank Oz) character. Yoda doesn’t really want to train Luke, he thinks he smells. Part of Luke’s training involves bottling up all those negative emotions that could lead one astray to the dark side of the force. He doesn’t listen to this very well; he’s all angry and angsty and frustrated. He fails at lifting an X-wing craft out of a swamp, which Yoda is able to do like it’s his job. Which it kind of is. Luke wises up and realizes the true power of the Force.

Meanwhile, Han Solo and his team are able to evade the Imperial whatchamacallits and end up in the Cloud City on some planet, I forget its name. They meet Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams), an old friend of Han’s, but Vader has already gotten to him first. Swayed by Vader, Lando betrays the Rebels and turns them over to the Empire like a total dickhead. This is all a trap to lure Luke to the Cloud City to save his buddies.

And it works. Luke gets a vision of the Rebels in trouble and, against the wishes of both Obi-Wan Kenobi’s spooky ghost and Yoda, halts his training to go rescue them.

Vader freezes Han in carbonite to assist Boba Fett into turning him over to Jabba the Hutt. Before this happens, Leia’s like “I love you” and Han’s like “duh”. Lando helps rescue Leia and Chewie and they leave on the Falcon before Luke shows up. Luke and Vader have a swordfight, which culminates in Vader burning off Luke’s hand. This is the (spoiler alert) part where (spoiler alert) Vader confesses to Luke that (spoiler alert) he is Luke’s father! Oh snap! Mark Hamill makes a really dumb crybaby face over this.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Take it easy. You’re acting like you just lost an appendage or something.

Luke ends up falling down a shaft and outside of the city, where he hangs onto an antenna for dear life. Lando and the crew rescue him before Imperial forces shoot him down.

Luke gets a kickass robot prosthetic hand on a Rebel starship. Lando and Chewie leave on the Falcon to go find Han Solo. Everyone has a pizza party.


TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I was wary at first since I don’t like enormous action scenes, and the battle at Hoth with those giant walkers made me slightly glaze over. What can I say, I’m not good with action scenes. It’s one of my seven trillion flaws as a *checks notes* human being.

HOWEVER, soon enough we were in business! The goofabouts with Yoda on Dagobah where he’s like “fuck this kid, he ain’t gonna learn shit“. Han and Leia visiting Han’s sexy old buddy Lando Calrissian and the subsequent betrayal. Han getting locked up in some cozy carbonite. All compelling, all riveting, I found almost of all of The Empire Strikes Back excellent. Having not seen <em>Return of the Jedi</em> yet I OBVIOUSLY CAN’T AGREE WITH THE “BEST MOVIE OF THE FRANCHISE” SENTIMENT AT THIS JUNCTURE, but I can’t see how this movie can be topped.

I can’t think of another movie that ends with the stakes so high. Han Solo is inches from death and being traded in to Jabba the Hut, prompting Lando to go find him with Chewbacca. Darth Vader is Luke’s father and whatnot, filling Luke with very conflicting feelings. Luke has a robot hand now, presumably useful to crush all his enemies with a literal iron fist!

I look forward to seeing how the next movie wraps it up. Or doesn’t. I know there are a million Star Wars books out there aiming to fill in the gaps. Like I need another hobby to tie up my time.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Or maybe I could spend my free time learning Jedi calisthenics.

TOPIC 2 — Han and Leia

See, I was always under the impression that Luke and Leia were into each other, and that the eventual reveal that they’re twin siblings (which I know about already) would have made this a huge Jaime/Cersei Lannister situation. Nothing in the first two movies suggests that they’re romantically involved, and I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to see one of them grossed out at the prospect of being into a member of their own family! The single most disappointing thing about Star Wars to date!

Instead, we get to see Leia fawn over Han, which is fine even if he’s basically 15 years older than her. At least it’s not incest! That I know of! But I like this relationship better, since Luke Skywalker is a whiny little punk and Han Solo is a generous hunk of man. Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford had incredible chemistry on set, which is probably because they were fucking each other behind the scenes. Nevertheless, Han and Leia’s interactions and arguments with one another are one of my favorite things so far about the original trilogy.

But yes, Fisher and Ford were having an affair during filming of A New Hope. Then Ford divorced his wife, reigniting the Fisher/Ford relationship during filming of The Empire Strikes Back. So, the next time you’re watching Star Wars and recognizing the chemistry between the two, just remember that they were boning between takes! Thank you, and good night.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Leia, you see that blimp in the far distance? The one that’s exploding? Reminds me of Alderaan.


IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Mark Hamill had to bang his head sixteen times on the ceiling of Yoda’s hut before director Irvin Kershner was satisfied with the scene.
“We can’t wrap up shooting for the day until our lead actors are concussed! Take it from the top!”

George Lucas was so impressed by Frank Oz’s performance as Yoda that he spent thousands of dollars on an advertising campaign to try and get him an Oscar nomination for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. Lucas’ campaign ultimately failed because it was felt that a puppeteer wasn’t an actor. Lucas felt this wasn’t fair to Oz, who honestly didn’t care.
I laughed out loud at those last four words. Frank Oz is such a baller.

When Mark Hamill was having trouble with the Dagobah scenes with Yoda, Frank Oz brought in Miss Piggy to make him laugh.
I want to give Mark Hamill a noogie so hard.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Listen, you don’t become the best pilot in the galaxy without smooching a few boners along the way.

Originally in the asteroid scene, one of the asteroids was actually a shoe. The rumor is that George Lucas asked the visual effects people to redo the scene so many times that they got annoyed and one of them threw in his or her shoe. Later remastered versions have corrected this.
Did George W. Bush dodge this one too?

Harrison Ford wanted Han Solo to die at the end of this movie, and he did not want to play the character again.
I love that Harrison Ford was such a Harrison Ford back in the day. It’s endearing.

Shortly after release, Darth Vader’s name was changed to Lord Fener in Italy. This is because the word “vader’ in italian sounds like “toilet”.
That would make his son Luke Toilet! Are y’all laughing?!

Security surrounding this movie was so intense that George Lucas had regular reports about “leaks” from actors and actresses.
As in, the cast kept peeing their pants! Get it! That’s funny! I’m 35 years old.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

I thought the famous Wookiee bearhug involved a lot less thumbs against the windpipe.


IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes, I was wary near the beginning since the Hoth battle scene went on a little long for my liking, but the rest of the film is excellent. Of course it’s excellent, it’s one of the most critically acclaimed genre fiction movies of all time! It’s worth a watch. I can’t believe you actually read through this garbage.