Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30 – “Emergency”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Public Scrutiny storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30 – “Emergency”! In the previous installment, an imposter Spider-Man has robbed a bank and smeared the spidery one’s good name! Later, when the imposter Spider-Man holds up a jewelry store, Peter Parker clad in his outfit tries to neutralize the situation by talking to the police and ends up getting himself shot with gun bullets!

Between these two specific events, Gwen Stacy is going to stay at the Parker household while Captain Stacy is away at the *checks notes* Police Detectives Conference in Atlantic City? Sounds like a good front for boning hookers for a week. At any rate, MJ is less than happy about this awful arrangement. Parker insists that everything will be ok and that she should trust him, but MJ’s problem is that she doesn’t trust Gwen. Drama ensues and Parker is being an oblivious child about it.

That’s enough recap for now! Somebody shut me up.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30 [January, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Emergency”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Another issue, another provocative Spider-Man pose. I think I’m getting the vapors.

Spider-Man is bleeding everywhere after having been shot right through the shoulder. Police stand right above him, guns trained. “Don’t you move a muscle or I will blow your head off!!”

One twitch and this police officer will blow him all right. Blow him right to heaven. The police manhandle the little nerd and cuff him. “Oh no! Oh no!” he thinks, writhing in pain and about to be taken right to the clink. It’s an embarrassing spectacle. Lookie-loos are everywhere. He gets read his Miranda rights and one officer aims to unmask this kid once and for all. Now he’s gone and done it! You don’t mess with the mask, son.

Still cuffed, Spidey does a backflip onto a police car and leaps away before the cops can say “boo” (because that would be dumb, why would any of them say “boo”? Come on). A rain of bullets flies toward him, but Spidey is too swift! Too fast! Too handsome! He cannot be bulleted!

Scaling a building and taking shelter on a rooftop, Spider-Man tries to tear free of his handcuff prison. Mask off past his chin, he struggles and says “ow” a lot. Head swimming with a fearful soup of disjointed thoughts, he gains the strength of a 90-pound woman whose baby is in peril and rips those handcuffs apart!

Far out, man.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

The mating call of the spider: “Guh– guh– guh– guh–”

He’s not even safe upon the roof! A helicopter fixes its big damn bright spotlight on the kid. “This is the NYPD!! Freeze where you are! Lie on the ground with your hands over your head or we will shoot you!!”

BLAM! BLAM! SPING! SPAKK! They didn’t even give the kid a chance! He frolics away quickly.

While the officers in the helicopter argue with each other, Spidey loses them.

“I had him in my hands! I had him!” Officer #1 says as the two of them skulk around the buildings with their flashlights.

“I know!” replies Officer #2.

“In my hands!”

“So am I going to have to listen to you whine about this for the rest of my life?”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Wimp. Rub some dirt on it.

Meanwhile, Parker is hunkering down behind a dumpster, clutching his shoulder like he got seriously injured or something. “God! I’ve been shot! I- I- I- don’t know what to do… I didn’t think– I- I didn’t…”

Something goes “Ploosh” and then we get a scene change to MJ in her bed writing in her diary. Ever since the “Bridge Incident” (I don’t remember if that was from Green Goblin #1 or Green Goblin #2, but it’s ONE of the two! Glad I could be of service), she’s been having nightmares. Nightmares about bridges and incidents. She is interrupted by a phone call from Aunt May. Not HER Aunt May. She doesn’t have an Aunt May!

“Peter?! Yeah – he’s here. He’s in the bathroom,” MJ tells her, and it’s not entirely a lie. Parker, after all, went to MJ’s just to slip into something a little more comfortable and then prance around in the night getting shot at. “Yeah – he’s – I don’t know what he’s doing in there,” she adds, implying that he might be jerking off furiously. Aunt May is satisfied and tells her nephew’s fuck friend to come home since it’s late.

The phone rings again immediately. Petey Parker from a pay phone (lol) calling collect (lolol). Of course she accepts the charges and is overjoyed that Parker is ok! Well, not at all ok. But ok enough to make MJ pay for a phone call.

“Mary… help me…”

Aw hell no! Downtown in the middle of the night? Alone? Are you mad, gurl? Peter Parker ain’t worth that nonsense! But, nevertheless, she ambles through what looks like a really, really shitty part of town looking for the bleeding kid.

She finds him in the garbage.

“Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Peter! What happened?” she cries as Parker looks like dogshit. MJ is freaking out. She brought some clean clothes and a first aid kit and a SARS blanket and these cool blue pills she got from her dad. *shakes bottle*

“We have to get you to a hospital.”

“They’ll arrest me! I don’t – I don’t know what to do,” he winces.

“We have to call your Aunt May!” Aw hell no. In the middle of the night? Are you mad, gurl?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Uncle Ben ate a bullet! Remember?! Are you mad, gurl?

Man, Uncle Ben was shot. Aunt May doesn’t need any more of these bullet shenanigans. MJ, with tears streaming down her face, realizes what needs to happen…

All but kicking and screaming, Parker insists that they need to avoid the ER. “They’ll call the cops,” he reminds her. “You have to do this,” she reminds him. “Just – just do it.”

Like a living Nike commercial.

So he just does it. He gets a lot of stares from the current ER clientele while he walks right up to a doctor standing near the front desk and collapses in his warm, waiting arms. Emergency! Let’s fix this dork up!

MJ looks as forlorn as you could possibly be while Parker gets worked on like a car in a mechanic’s shop.

“Hey Mike, has he moved?”

“Nope. Out cold.”

“His vital signs are strong.”

“Strong – they are through the roof.”

“Oh, finally, here comes the police.”

Parker perks up a little.

“Officer?”

“Doctor Costanza?”

“Yes. Thank you for responding.”

“What do we got?”

“We got a John Doe. Kid comes in – gunshot wound to the shoulder.”

Back and forth. No ID. Different shirt than the one he was shot in. Doctor Costanza likes his chicken spicy! Sorry, had to throw that one in there. In the one second it takes for the cop to draw the current, poof. Parker’s gone. Bed is empty. Doctor Costanza’s gettin’ upset!

It appears he has leapt through a ceiling tile. “I swear,” the doctor gibbers, “we never – we never left him alone.”

Suuuuuuure you didn’t. Meanwhile, MJ is in the waiting room with her large Macy’s bag at her feet, slightly open. Open enough for the old woman sitting next to her to catch a glimpse of the Spider-Man costume packed within…

MJ notices the woman staring and closes the bag with her knees…

Officer Fuck asks the people in the waiting room if any kid has run through lately. You know, recently. Within the last minute or so. I’m sure you’d remember if you saw him. Argghh. Fine.

Doctor Costanza calls in the security troops!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Are you mad, gurl?

MJ, having been identified as possibly the girl that came in with the injured boy, starts booking it the fuck on out of there once danger starts looming. I’m glad this all went well.

By the time the doctor, police, and security leave the front door, MJ is nowhere to be seen.

“Oh, my God – I’m going to faint,” MJ breathes, smiling from ear to ear. Parker, still wearing his hospital gown, gives MJ a full view of his butt.

Since they have no money between them and Parker is too hopped up to swing them both home, they go over their options: 1) use MJ’s ATM card, or 2) yeah, let’s just do that.

So Aunt May tried to wait up, splayed out on the couch with remote control still in hand. She stirs, wakes up, checks Peter’s room and finds him asleep. Safe and sound. She stares daggers at him, but since he looks like such a cute little puppy dog, her expression softens. She quietly leaves the room.

When the coast is clear, Peter grabs his shoulder with a loud “Aagghh!” Loud enough for, like, Aunt May to hear, come on. Are you mad, gurl?

The news is currently airing a report on Spider-Man’s whereabouts and intentions. A one Sergeant Bullit has a very important message: “Vigilante behavior will not be tolerated in this city – masked or otherwise. We have been lenient on people like this Spider-Man – but those days are over.”

Spider-Man – this delinquent from the four corners of Hell – wears a mask like coward. Now the people know why. And the masked criminal will pay for what he has done.

“Ow,” Parker grunts.

Final Thoughts

I look forward to seeing just how Parker will be able to pull a fast one on Aunt May. Bullet wounds are hard to hide… I’m told.


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Paper Girls, Issue #24

* Part 4 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 5 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #24! In the previous installment, Erin and the Tiffs find Wari. Mac still won’t kiss KJ. Erin and the Tiffs find out that Erin just came by the other day! KJ threatens a doctor at knifepoint to help Mac cure her cancer.

Ok you’re caught up let’s keep moving go go go this storyline is fucking interesting.

Paper Girls, Issue #24 [September, 2018]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #24

That’s right, Mac. Breathe in that cancer-killing gas. Ironic that it’s farts, but hey. Modern science.

Wari reminisces. A woman wearing a sabertooth tiger-skin shawl yells at Wari in her cave and tells her to shake a leg. “I’m going home! Wari, get up! You have to see this!”

The woman is Dr. Qanta Braunstein, who looks like she’s been living in the far, far past for long enough that her once mohawked hair is now down to her shoulders. Either the four girls delivered Braunstein’s message, or someone in the far future dug up her distress signal. “Either way, the future threw me a lifeline,” she says, checking out a capsule drifting toward Earth via parachute.

“So. You now leave me?” Wari says, looking weary. And, yes, she’s leaving! She’ll always fondly remember the good old days, but bye!

Wari starts screaming other-language things. Then she calms down and points her toddling son. “Jahpo. My baby. You taking him with.”

Nope! Sorry, sister! Not cool, her people would never allow it, etc. Wari’s suggestion is to go to some other time, then. Just take the kid, please. He deserves better than growing up in smelly 11,706 BCE.

Wari begs. She begs and pleads and sobs and moans and cries. Not really. She’s not that emotional. She just asks VERY NICELY if Braunstein can help keep her child away from his fathers. They must be mean, I guess. 11,706 BCE men are mean? Who would’ve thought??

Braunstein frowns. She doesn’t know how to raise a kid!

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Yeah, the trick is to not let them eat styrofoam and the rest kind of falls into place.

Erin is eating what appears to be FUTURE FISHSTICKS while Wari tells her and the Tiffs her story. Braunstein took her and Jahpo to Indonesia “years after her colleagues in the States stopped looking for her”. In return, complete silence. No one was to know where they came from. Braunstein raised Jahpo as her own, and he and Wari were unofficial siblings. Apparently, even Jahpo doesn’t know the truth about that.

When Erin asks her what she meant by “you were just here the other day”, Wari’s eyes go slightly askew and she asks the three of them who the hell they are and why they’re in her house. Alzheimer’s! That’s fun! Double-Oh Tiff is like “look, ma’am, do you have Braunstein’s time travel gizmo or not?”

“Ah, now I remember,” Wari says, pointing at Erin with her dementia-ridden face. “Your name is Erin Tieng. You came her a few months ago to give me something.” Erin is confused and started and… still a little hungry so she keeps eating these fishstick-looking lumps.

Wari asks her Robot Eyeball if it knows where the time travel doohickey is. “I’m sorry, Wari. I am unable to say.”

Well that’s just peachy, ain’t it folks! The one chance to go home and Wari lost the time travel thingamajig in a sock drawer somewhere. “We are never getting home,” Erin frowns solemnly.

Tiff has other thoughts to prioritize over getting back to 1988.

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Thanks, Obama.

Both Tiffs are beside themselves about this while Wari looks on bookshelves for the whatever. KJ radios Erin to ask how things are coming along. Meanwhile, KJ’s got her scalpel to the doctor’s throat while Mac lies on something that looks like the Animus from Assassin’s Creed (NERD ALERT!). “This is creepier than my gym teacher testing us for scoliosis. But if it’s gonna zap out my disease, then let her rip.”

Doctor Knifepoint readies the computer program, the Zap Out My Disease program. “After I finish this scan, the Gene-E will eliminate any… Hmm.”

Hmm? What hmm? WHAT hmm? Oh god, there’s a hmm? No hmm!

“This young woman doesn’t have leukemia. She never did, and she never will.”

WHAT? HUH? ERP? SHMORT? The doctor goes on to explain that whoever gave Mac the diagnosis was wrong as shit. She’s actually going to die from 4DC, an untreatable disease! “It’s a rare group of cancers that only afflicts a small percentage of certain professionals… time travelers.”

SHMORT! Doc hits a button that shackles Mac to her Animus. Ain’t no time travelers gonna come invade 2171. He thought they were just immigrants, but he was DEAD FUCKING wrong!

“Step away from there or you’re a dead man!” KJ screams as Doc rummages through a drawer.

“I already am. Do you have any idea what WATCH does to people who help you whores?” He pulls out a device that looks like a COVID-era forehead thermometer. “Killing you is my only shot at living.”

The doctor sprays KJ with a green fart. She coughs and collapses. Doc promises that it’s just a sedative and that he’ll wait until they’re both unconscious before he kills them! Hippocratic oath and doing no harm indeed!

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Sorry, girls. Dr. No-Nards is stationed in the maternity wing.

KJ activates her hover boots, which sends the hover vibrations right into Doc’s dick, rendering him quite incapacitated and hopefully neutered like any animal Bob Barker touches. KJ shambles over to open the door while Mac tears herself out of her contraption. “You are seriously my hero,” Mac says. “I seriously need a nap,” KJ replies.

Time to leave. Forget getting rid of cancer, I guess. “The new kid was right, you die when you die. But that ain’t gonna be today.”

Back in Time Travel Cop HQ, the giant floating cyberpunk ship, Cardinal interrupts Jahpo talking to his pet Multi-Eyeball Beast Editrix. A local doctor had a run-in with some juvenile time travelling hooligans at the hospital. “At a hospital? Cardinal, how many calls a day do we get about mentally ill patients who think they’re lost in time?”

This is real, sir! KJ is wearing baggy acid wash jeans! It doesn’t matter anyway, Alister is still scoping out 1988 and it’s probably a good idea to go join him there. “Tell helm to take us into the Folding,” he orders. It sounds risky as shit, transporting an entire airship through a tiny little vagina-sized hole in the sky. “What about just taking a few of the bots?” Cardinal desperately suggests, but they “leave too much of a footprint”.

Bottom line, it has to be done this way. Jahpo snaps at her, he apologizes, and she tells him to rest. “I’ll wake you when it’s time.”

Erin and the Tiffs have started searching for the thingamabob as well. “If you say it’s here, we’ll find it, Wari,” Young Tiff assures.

“Unless she’s speaking nonsense, which she most definitely is,” Double-Oh Tiff mutters.

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Seems very unlikely. The Jahpo I know hates New York.

Erin, of course, asks if the man in the photo she picks up is Jahpo. “Nowadays, he goes by ‘Grand Father’. A title my foolish son believes he earned.” It clicks that Erin saw this guy way back in 1988 before they were whisked away to 2016. Mac radios Erin again asking for help. “This chick is surprisingly heavy,” she says and she drags KJ along, her arm on Mac’s shoulder. They’re on the roof of a building…somewhere. Does that help? “I could use a hand getting her wherever you guys are.”

Mac places KJ on the roof, where she sleepily curls up. Mac is to keep her safe up there. She can wait for them, goddamnit.

The Tiffs are going to go find the Mac/KJ Power Team. Erin can keep ravaging Wari’s apartment looking for god knows what. “If anyone can figure out what the heck is going on, it’s you,” Young Tiff tells her friend. Then they hug. It’s really touching. Let’s go now.

“Hey,” Erin turns to Eyeball Caretaker, “are you positive you don’t know where Wari hid whatever it is we’re supposed to be looking for?”

“I’m sorry. I’m unable to say.”

Erin eyeballs the Eyeball suspiciously. When she asks it what her favorite color is, and it responds with “I don’t know”, she realizes that the Eyeball does know something and is programmed to keep it a secret. “Any chance it it works like an ATM?” Erin asks. “Maybe you need to enter some kind of code?”

Wari does have a password: “Dreamwomen”.

The robot opens its iris, much like General Hammond from Stargate SG-1, and reveals a little map.

Erin smiles. A map to home.

Final Thoughts

Yeah buddy! Final storyline back in 1988? OR, more likely, 1945 where they can drop the atomic bomb onto Hiroshima AND Nagasaki. Like a group of numbskulls.

One issue left in this story, and then I’m immediately moving on. Best comic I’ve come across. Thanks, Obama!


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Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98 – “Thirty Minutes to Oblivion”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Superman: Endgame collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98 – “Thirty Minutes to Oblivion!” In the previous issue of the Superman: Endgame collection, Superman has become Electric Blue Superman out of nowhere and he proves to be unfathomably useless again with respect to solving problems and helping people. It’s funny.

Elsewhere, Brainiac 1.0 has taken over Baby Lena Luthor and is channeling through her to help Lex stop Brainiac 13 (a model that is 80,000 years ahead of current technology! Like, oh snap, son!). It has recreated Superman from Brainiac 13’s power core and they get him out of stasis. Time to finish what they’ve started, chumps, and Lex and Superman are gonna team up to do it!

In the previous issue of Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), it doesn’t matter. We’re doing Y2K stuff now. This is the issue where the insufferable John Henry Irons will show up to play superhero, so I hate it already.

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98 [March, 2000]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Thirty Minutes to Oblivion”

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

“9 A.M., New Year’s Day 2000. Hangover time.” The speeding pitch black train (that Ma and Pa Kent are currently trapped on) is starting to slow down, much to the relief of the hapless passengers who have been dealing with circling the city at 490 mph all day.

The train stops at a surprisingly well-lit subway station where men with green jumpsuits, futuristic batons, and bright yellow lights on their foreheads are ushering everybody out. “Get moving… a life of glorious union awaits you all!”

This makes people uneasy as they shuffle out of the train. The station is swarming with metallic spiders. “Be joyful. The Master has determined that the human race displays all the elements required of an efficient maintenance force. He is raising this shining new city for our well-being.” Absolute dogshit stuff here. What Master? Why is the Master pushing people around? Why should anyone listen to the Master? There are literally a thousand more questions like these, such as what Master ? Oh wait, I already said that.

This leader of the Jumpsuit Brigade assures the scared people that they will be shown the light and reborn as a faithful servant to Brainiac 13. “Now – step into the reorientation chamber!” he says, pointing to big face-shaped artifact with a hole in the mouth for the coveted reorientation proceedings. Dudes are getting shot in the arm with these futuristic batons and going like this: *grimace*

LUCKILY, SUPERMAN IS ON THE SCENE! Why? I don’t know. Maybe he sensed that a nefarious reorientation was afoot? He starts bouncing from one jumpsuited motherfucker to another, breaking batons and dusting off his hands.

Ah yeah, Mark Schultz is the guy who likes to tell his story through a lot of inner monologue. That’s what we in the business call “not good storytelling”, but who am I to judge? “The Blue Construct’s physical contact with Brainiac 13 allowed me to accurately ‘see’ that monster’s plan to herd civilians to this reprogramming center!” he says to himself / the audience, which I guess explains why he sensed that his presence was needed. Maybe there could have been a better way to express this, such as Superman yelling at the top of his lungs “BEING BLUE HELPED ME TO FIND DA PEOPLE”.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

01011110101 you eat my shit, brainiac 1000110110

Superman wanted to kind of do this clandestinely, but barrelling into the station like the fucking Kool-Aid Man has unwittingly attracted Brainiac 13’s attention. Brainiac, being as smart as he is, doesn’t understand how or why Superman has made it here and not been killed by now, but he vows to finish the job! All Brainiac has to do is wrap some metal tendrils around here, squeeze that, yank here, pull down here, twist it, pull it, bop it, bop it, bop it, pull it, twist it, twist it, yaarrrrgghhhh!

IN FLIES ERADICATOR! How convenient! What the fuck am I reading this for? My intelligence is not only being insulted, but dragged through the mud and stomped upon! Brainiac is freaking out, spitting out 1s and 0s and trying to juggle the influx of unknown variables. “Why was I not aware of these eventualities?” the Big Brain sputters and buzzes. “AMAZING – the Eradicator seems to have taken Brainiac by surprise…” Superman thinks, in case you, the reader, have recently had your spinal cord disconnected from your brain and are unable to process information you read about three seconds ago. “Brainiac wasn’t prepared for his attack!”

Perhaps Superman is trying to prove to us that he’s on the ball and not the dummy that he most obviously is! In any case, the Eradicator is here for some reason and that’s good enough for right now. Brainiac phases out of the area, perhaps going to another dimension for a bit before he gets fully eradicated. Ma and Pa Kent run up to talk to Superman, who is all “heh heh, uh, hi there Mr. and Mrs. Kent! How is your SON doing? *wink*”

They ask Superman if he’s fine, and of course he is! But perhaps Ma and Pa should scurry the fuck off before they get hurt. Of course, Pa is a spring chicken and offers to help the other fine people to the hospital or something. That’s dumb! So Superman turns away from him for a minute to talk to Eradictor. “YOU. Why did you return to Earth? I don’t know whether to be happy you bailed me out – or frightened.”

The answer is a resounding “BE FRIGHTENED”, for the Eradictor’s systems have been alerted to a danger in this sector, over and out. The danger being, certainly, in case you haven’t been paying attention whatsoever to the last three-and-a-half issues of Superman, Brainiac trying to take over the planet! Here’s the kicker at the moment, Brainiac is trying to infiltrate Superman’s Fortress of Solitude right now. He’s trying to take away your jerking-off privacy place, Superman. You can’t have that happen, can you? Where will you jerk off then?

EXACTLY! This is bad news! Plus, that’s where the Eradictor has been hanging out, so if it’s affected by the virus it’ll be bad news. Bad news is everywhere now, this rotten millennium.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

Yuck! I HATE the Metal Men! They’re always stealing my magnets and claiming they can’t help it.

Only 30 minutes remain until the B13 virus infiltrates the Fortress, but not to worry. The dang Metal Men are here to help save some semblance of the day.

MEANWHILE “somewhere in the Old Hook Basin district of Suicide Slum, John Henry “Useless” Irons’ whole operation has turned against itself. All his machinery and equipment has developed minds of their own, turned into robots, and they’re trying to KILL John Henry “Pointless” Irons. His niece Natasha thinks this is all his fault, which I’m laughing at as we speak. “So maybe if you had let me go out for New Year’s Eve we’d have a better idea what’s happened to this loser city!”

Irons keeps hitting everything he sees with his big Thor hammer. “DAMN!” he says, busting up some robots who are mocking him, saying that he will acquiesce to the whole “bowing down to the Master” plan. “You have many skills that will prove most useful once you are properly programmed.” Like what, hitting shit with a hammer? Anyone can do that.

Natasha thinks this is bananas and tries to get out of here before anything weirder happens to harsh her buzz. “I’m sick and tired of being forced to do what I don’t wanna…” she says running off while Irons yells at her to stay close. “NAT! I’ve got a plan! Get back here, girl!”

What’s your plan, John Henry “No Plan” Irons? Not having a plan? Sure looks like it.

Natasha has a real plan: throwing a gigantic amount of nuts and bolts into a literal cannon and firing them at the robots. Too bad that they seem to be reassembling themselves as soon as they were blasted apart. I guess they should start trying to get out of the factory instead.

Back at the subway station, the overly-cloying Metal Men are assuring Superman that they are in control of the situation. Viridium and Tin are schlepping folks off to the hospital while Iron and the Eradicator help launch Superman quickly out of Metropolis before Brainiac can figure out that he’s gone. Off to the Fortress of Jerking Off.

What’s going with Lex Luthor during this whole mess? He’s chagrined to be hiding out in his own tower like a scared little rat. His niece Lena, channeling Brainiac 2, tells Lex to cool his jets and let the adults solve the problems.

They make it to the High Security Chamber, which has substantially higher security than the Low Security Chamber! Here nothing has been affected by the B13 virus, so all the weapons and machinery are dormant and not alive and acting up and rearranging furniture or anything like that. Brainiac 13 can’t sense it. It’s a sight for sore eyes.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

What’s this about virus tentacles, Superman? Do you even know what you’re talking about?

As Superman and Eradicator fly to Antarctica, Superman notices that Brainiac’s influence has spread far, far, far from Metropolis already. Only seven minutes until the Fortress is infiltrated!… oh shit, the B13 program can sense their approach! Who forgot to bring the Invisibility Cloak? This royally bites, man. And as if that weren’t senseless enough, “the field of slag where Superman melted down the Fortress” is alive now. Whatever that fucking means, I don’t know how the B13 virus can affect slag. That’s stupid. You’re an awful storyteller, Mark Schultz. Did I mention that already??

“THE ERADICATOR PROGRAM IS BREATHING LIFE AND SHAPE INTO THE FUSED ASHES OF THE FORTRESS!”

I don’t know what it really means to “breathe shape” into something, but I think I’m going to go take a walk for a bit to clear my head of all the garbage this issue has FOISTED upon me.

…

And we’re back. The slag has turned into a large rock monster with a scythe and now Superman and Eradicator have to fight it for some reason. “The last survivor of my beloved homeworld, and a misguided corruption that dares take my name… would waste themselves against the True Eradicator!” it says.

I need another walk. Be right back.

…

Okay. So Eradictor’s so upset that his eyeballs and mouth hole are full of fire. “You have grown strong, monster, but we seek only to protect our home… a world that has shown us mercy and refuge…”

CUUUNCH! Eradicator gets fucking sliced. Good luck trying to outsmart the rock monster, he’s the same only better because he’s the True Eradicator and he can predict every single move! Ahhh ha ha haaa!!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

Be gone, crack-faced impostor! You are killing the mood!

Superman makes a “grrrr” face and determines that these two are so evenly matched that, at best, a stalemate will be the inevitable outcome. Like when there are only two kings left on a chessboard and they just keep doing laps. I guess it’s up to SUPERMAN now to SAVE THE DAY since the Eradicator CAN’T DO SHIT. The True Eradicator informs him it’s too late to do anything! Check your watch, it’s clobbering time! AND, the True Eradicator is going to truly eradicate Earth and replace it with a newer Krypton. A better Krypton. This Krypton won’t explode, it’ll be inert like atomic element #36. That’s krypton.

False Eradicator and Superman team up once again to settle this beast once and for all. “My heat vision and your energy blasts! Strike him together!” Yeah yeah, rah rah rah. Rally ‘em up.

The True Eradicator, again, indicates that it’s too late for any of these tomfooleries. Check it out, those robot spiders are crawling to him! “Yes! Come to me, you bearers of alien wealth! Come and allow our many resources to be joined… and may the strongest program win!”

Superman-shaped Eradicator clutches his forehead, defeated. The spiders have chosen. There is no use, Superman. No use. Hey, Superman, are you listening? OK, good, thank you. It’s no use.

And Superman isn’t going to take “it’s no use” for an answer! …or a statement… Superman isn’t going to take “it’s no use” for an answer to the question “is it of any use?”

Oh wait, Eradicator has a backup plan: fly into the rock monster and possess it with his alter ego David Connor, who I don’t know but also I don’t care. He does this and I don’t understand how it really works. I’m willing to bet Mark Schultz doesn’t understand it either. He just wrote this damn thing.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

…can no longer – I can not longer… love them… at all… ever again… … they’ll understand…

There’s an angle that makes Superman look like he has seventeen chins while he bids his friend farewell and then it’s back to business! The spider robots are all collapsing! “But why? The giant didn’t inflict any obvious damage on… wait a minute… the Eradicator caught B13 off guard back in Metropolis…” So then, also, and including this, therefore, also, B13 is sensitive to Kryptonian technology. Let’s use this to our advantage and get the hell out of this comic book!

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor is floating in stasis and hooked up to all manner of weird apparati. Baby Lena Brainiac 2 is with him, assures him that this is the way things are to be. Here’s the skinny: Brainiac 13 is just like your whiz-bang Gateway Computers with Windows 2000 installed. He must program his systems to read and recognize the specific technologies with which he wants to interface. Lex is hooked up to a Kryptonian weapon, and if Brainiac 13 interfaces with it he’ll freeze up and get the BSoD and endlessly run that old screen saver with the 3D brick maze.

Lex Luthor wears a kryptonian warsuit, this huge Transformers looking thing! It’s gonna tear into Brainiac 13 like me tearing into a delicious slab of beef jerky! “Now shut up and guide me to the interloper,” Lex yells at his niece. “I’m taking back my city!”

Final Thoughts

Superman: The Man of Steel is the worst, man. Real awful stuff. Deplorable. I look forward to the next installment.


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The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Wheel of Time series

The Eye of the World

Welcome again to the Book Bonfire! I am your Book Club Organizer, Tom Writesabo Utstuff. Everyone get out your copies, today we’re going to cover Kama Sutra, the ancient Sanskrit text about good fuckin’.

Oh, maybe that will be covered next week. Today we’ll go over the first book of the Wheel of Time series. No, it’s not Kama Sutra! I said I was sorry about that! No more jokes! The Eye of the World, the first of many tomes covering the adventures of who knows and who cares! For all I know, the rest of the books will have nothing to do with the story and the characters of The Eye of the World. Maybe Book 3 is all about Chandler ordering seven pizzas and Joey eating every single one before Ross can smack Rachel around, making sure she only gets bruises in the places she can easily cover up!

Where the FUCK was I? Ah yes. This book was the first of many that I’ll cover chapter by chapter in my Wheel of Time write-up series, so be sure to click that link and read through my rambling synopses while I make fun of Thom the Gleeman’s sex-offending mustache, or Rand’s ability to dry up any girl’s vagina with one poorly thought-out sentence.

Or maybe you all already know the story! For the rest of you, here’s a quick, general breakdown: three hicks named Rand al’Thor, Mat Cauthon, and Perrin Aybara are more than who they seem to be. But not much more, honestly. Rand is a farmer, Perrin is a blacksmith apprentice, and I don’t remember what Mat does besides pull his pud. Their sleepy little hick town is visited by an Aes Sedai (basically a witch) named Moiraine and her Warder (basically a lackey) named Lan.

“Get me 150 cc’s of tetracycline, stat! I need defibrillators, people! Can’t you see this man is dying?? Why is everyone looking at me like that? Haven’t any of you ever heard of Google?? Look it up!”
– Nynaeve

Pretty soon, after their sleepy little hick town is all but destroyed by walking pig creatures called Trollocs, they embark on an adventure wherein they walk and ride horses across the country. This happens for 800 pages. The full group is Rand, Mat, Perrin, Egwene (the young and pretty daughter of the hick town’s mayor. It’s called Emond’s Field, by the way. I should probably stop referring to that hick-ass town as a hick town), Moiraine, Lan, Thom the Gleeman (basically a fucking clown), and eventually Nynaeve (the badass know-it-all healer-type from Hicksville).

You start to learn along the way that there’s more to all of these young Emond’s Fielders than meets the eye. Rand might be the first male Aes Sedai in millenia. Perrin is some sort of Wolf Boy. Egwene and Nynaeve might be two similarly-aged Aes Sedai from the same dang (hick) town! These kids are all chosen and shit. Except Mat. He seems rather unremarkable.

Most of what happens can be attributed to the turning of the Wheel of Time. The wheel turns as the wheel wills. Whatever happens becomes part of the Pattern of time. What it all amounts to is the following: everything happens for a reason. Moiraine, as an Aes Sedai, dedicates her life to the turning of the Wheel and how it affects all the big, big, BIG stuff. Stuff like, for example, the possibility that Rand might be the Dragon reborn. That might not sound like much, dear reader, but let me tell you. The Dragon should stay dead.

Maybe.

“I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS!!!”
– Rand

Perhaps it helped breaking up the chapters and writing about them as I went, but I found the story engrossing. It was hard not to keep going and move ahead of my write-ups, and even though the group spends a lot of time doing not much else besides bouncing around various towns and cities, what Jordan lacks in creating compelling personalities he makes up for in believable character interactions. I think his women have stronger characterizations than the men, with Nynaeve being the most fleshed-out (and, therefore, the best). As a Wisdom (again, the town know-it-all), she presents herself as a brave, tough, no-nonsense figure of authority. And she’s good at it, but once in a while she slips. Once in a while, her vulnerabilities peak through. She’s no friend of the Aes Sedai, and she goes through some personal conflicts when she finds out — corroborated by Moiraine — that she just might be one herself… (eek)

I have to make a special note of Thom Merrilin, the “gleeman”. He’s basically a one-man travelling circus. He juggles, does gymnastics, and performs magic tricks. He knows 10,000 stories, myths, and legends from top to bottom, front to back, and he will not be afraid to tell you all 10,000 of them in one evening. The kids of Emond’s Field spend about three chapters building up the gleeman, calling themselves lucky that they will even get someone as revered as gleeman to their cute little festival. This guy turns out to be a real crank, which I found hilarious because the Emond’s Fielders deserved it.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“Logain is gonna be Logain, that’s really all I have to say. Any way you slice it, Logain’s just that. Logain. Listen, I know Logain better than the rest of you. I know how Logain thinks. He’s going to do what he wants to do, and haters gonna hate.”
– Rand

Discuss the parallels between Rand and Logain. What do they have in common?
Ah yes, Logain is the newest false Dragon. The guy who is like “I’m the current King Fuck around here”. I don’t know much about Logain. They talked about him amassing armies and having hissy fits in faraway towns. They only showed him once as a prisoner in Caemlyn getting carted out in public while six Aes Sedai kept a close eye on him. I can’t remember if it was implied or they outright said it, but I’m pretty sure Logain is able to channel the One Power? THIS is what the two of them have in common. This also means that they’ll both go cuckoo nutso, as is what happens to the men who can channel this such as One Power.

I’M NOT GOOD AT READING COMPREHENSION. If there were other things they have in common, then it was lost on me. They both seem like they smell terrible, that’s another thing they have in common! NEXT!

What do you think of the women in EoTW? Which do you view as the strongest?
The women are the best characters is the book, dingus. Anyone who thinks any of the men is a better character than any of the women (other than Thom Merrilin) is full of horribly spicy beans.

Moiraine is dull as dirt, though. Maybe you have to be boring to be an Aes Sedai, OR being an Aes Sedai makes you boring! If that’s the case, I must have become an Aes Sedai 12 times over by now. Both Egwene and Nynaeve being Aes Sedai is an interesting premise. It seems to fit Nynaeve’s character more since she seems more like the Vampire Slayer type, but I’m going to guess that by Book 10 Egwene is going to handily decapitate whole armies of Fades and Trollocs. She’ll be frothing at the mouth like a feral fucking rat as she single-handedly tears the Wheel of Time world a fresh butthole.

“Channeling the One Power is difficult, Moiraine. What’s this thing about having to draw a pentagram on the floor in order to summon Belphegor? That sounds kind of dangerous.”
– Egwene

That is to say, I think Egwene is the strongest. Every time Moiraine taps into the One Power, she gets tired. Step it up, Moiraine! With Nynaeve, there’s that one part where she cried after professing her love to Lan. Step it up, Nynaeve! Egwene has shown no weakness. She’s made out of high-alloy titanium! NEXT!

Of the three young men (Perrin, Mat and Rand) which are you most predisposed to like/dislike?
Perrin’s cool. He’s strong, he’s a bit of a thinker, and he communicates with the wolves. Ergo, he’s the most likeable. That leaves the two knuckleheads, Rand and Mat, for the dislike contest.

Rand has the personality of drywall, and Mat is a complete spaz. Rand can potentially tap into the One Power, the first man in three millennia would be able to do so. Mat is a complete spaz. Rand has a boner for Egwene. Mat is complete spaz who cursed himself by stealing a forbidden dagger from a dead city.

Hard question! I’ll circle back around to that at some other time.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’ve seen many Wheel of Time book rankings that will put The Eye of the World around the low end of the middle tier, which bodes well. I can see why the first installment wouldn’t necessarily showcase the genius of the series yet, but I look forward to what will definitely end up being a slow burn. If I didn’t have 800 other books to read I would have picked up Book 2 right away, but I needed a break.

So yes, in short, I liked it! That sure was a lot of words to get to that final point, but I have no shame.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29 – “Stolen Identity”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Public Scrutiny storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29 – “Stolen Identity”! In the previous installment, a mysterious new bad guy named Rhino is terrorizing Manhattan. Just stampeding around, tearing into cars, throwing cars at police, and hating cars in general. It’s really rude.

Peter Parker spends most of the issue trying to get downtown. When he finally does get there to try and stop Rhino, Iron Man had already beaten him to the day-saving punch. Oh well, try again tomorrow.

Issue #28 likely has nothing to do with what’s going forward! Maybe we’ll see Peter Parker try a bunch of different cereals next. Wouldn’t that be exciting?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29 [December, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Stolen Identity”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29

THE MOST EXCITING BEGINNING TO AN ISSUE OF ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN YET! Ben Urich is having trouble with the ATM, so he’s talking to the bank teller. SUSPENSE! WILL SHE SOLVE HIS PROBLEM?

She recognizes the name on the card and asks if he’s THEE Ben Urich? The reporter kinda guy Ben Urich? She looks like she’s waiting for him to ask her out on a date. “You wrote the piece that took down the Kingpin?” she asks him, beaming. He responds with modesty, because what’s he gonna do? Be all like “THAT’S ‘MR. YOU WROTE THE PIECE THAT TOOK DOWN THE KINGPIN, SIR’ TO YOU, MA’AM”?

“You, sir, are a prince,” she smiles.

“Oh, well, uh, thank you,” he responds.

“And brave.”

“Well…” It sounds like he doesn’t want to admit that the story was literally dropped into his lap. Figuratively, actually! It was dropped onto his desk, but the fact remains: he didn’t really do shit.

Their conversation is halted by a very loud CRASH! The kind of CRASH that indicates a BANK ROBBERY is about to COMMENCE.

Twist. It’s fuckin’ Spider-Man??

“Don’t anybody move!!” the spindly little dickens yells, grabbing a dazed officer that he had thoroughly webbed. “You hear me?! This is a robbery!! You want to get out of here in one piece… you’ll do what I say!!”

Cue opening credits. Maybe Family Matters or Bonanza would be good music here! The Office?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29

Spider-Man: knocking yarmulkes off of Jewish people’s heads since 1939.

He tells everyone to hit the floor and then, like a Karen, asks to see the manager. He asks to see him so he can whack the fuck out of him! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK SMACK! He picks up the barely conscious bank manager David Rosenberg and addresses the tellers behind the glass. “I want every one of you useless broads to fill a money bag up with the big bills… and I know what a paint can looks like!” Then he launches Rosenberg through the glass.

Our cuddly spider webs his way to the tellers’ area and awaits his cash payout, demanding that everyone on the floor get moving post haste. When that doesn’t happen, he threatens to snap someone’s neck. Everyone just stares at this guy. Ben just looks annoyed. Suspicious. Like he’s looking at a goddamn hologram! Something’s off about this Spider-Man character… usually… usually he doesn’t rob anybody…

Later in the office, Ben Urich, who obviously either escaped unscathed OR he was killed and resurrected like Jesus, recounts the story to an ecstatic J. Jonah Jameson. “And no one else from the press was there? Exclusive!! Ha ha!! I live for this.”

Jameson is thinking up the headlines now, such as “Wall Crawler Shows True Colors”. He’s giddy that this superhero has turned out to be the SUPER ZERO that he always wanted him to be. Robbie Robertson is less than thrilled that the spidery one has done a heel turn, to which Jameson calls him an “NPR listening ninny”. That Ira Glass though, he’s got that SEXY ENERGY.

Peter Parker walks into the office smiling like a dingus. Betsy Brant lets him know what happened and why Jameson is ejaculating all over the office right now, which makes Parker freeze in horror. “Whozeewhat?” he says like a cartoon character! Coincidentally.

Robertson and Jameson keep arguing about Spider-Man while Urich unsuccessfully tries to catch their attention. “I’m not – Well, I’m not sure it’s the same Spider-Man as the one who fought Doctor Octopus on TV,” he says, grabbing the back of his neck sheepishly. He didn’t have the same flair. Pizazz. Moxie. Gumption. Spider-Man has the grace of an ice dancer! This guy who robbed the bank, he was thunking all over the place. Like a drunk bull in a Chinese shop, or whatever.

“Oh, come on!!” Jameson gets up his face. Urich is totally ruining his moment here.

“First of all,” Urich throws his hands up, “why would Spider-Man all of a sudden–”

“Why would a successful football player suddenly kill his wife?” Jameson shoots back before Urich can even finish his dang point. “People turn. Like milk. People turn.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29

Kiss me, you fool!

Ben’s not having it. Something is odd here and he’s not about to smear the possible good name of someone who has, thus far, shown nothing but altruistic bravery. Personally, I’m on Jonah’s side. A robbery happened at the fucking bank by SOMEBODY in a Spider-Man costume. It doesn’t matter who actually did it, write the story. It’s a story! Write the story!

Ben throws up his hands again. “Fine.”

Jubilation! J. Jonah Jubilation can see the headline now! Front page news! Daily Bugle gets more clout, son!

He spots a frowning Peter Parker and gets an idea. “Where are those pictures that the kid brought us that time? We’ll use one of the kid’s. Yeah, that’s it. That’s the ticket!”

OK, Jon Lovitz.

Jameson points at the still dejected Parker. “There’s your perfect front page – Spider Man: Criminal!”

OK, Fiona Apple.

After work, Parker is on the subway cradling his legs in the fetal position. “Congratulations, whoever you are…” he thinks, “you knocked the wind right out of me.” This kid defeated the Green Goblin. The Kingpin. Doctor Octopus. Kraven the Hunter. Green Goblin again. And now? This is new territory! If I were him, I’d hang up my Spider-Man tights once and for all.

He’s so sad he didn’t even want to swing home Spider-Man-style. He’s taking the subway like a commoner. “I cannot catch a break,” he says for the 460th time in 29 issues.

Now what about Mary Jane? He should’ve never told her he was Spider-Man. Will she believe him about the robbery? Grrr, what a situation! Time for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Phish Food is the good stuff. And–

Oh shit! Police are at the house!

It’s ok. It’s ok. Gwen Stacy is passed out on the couch. Aunt May is at the kitchen table talking to Captain Stacy about his degenerate daughter. The Good Captain doesn’t want to impose… it’s just that they have no other family… and, well, Gwen has taken a liking to the Parker household… and she really wants to jump Peter’s bones… so…

Speaking of jumping bones, I can tell Aunt May thinks Captain Stacy is a sexy piece!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29

Aunt May shooting the ol’ “fuck me” daggers out of her eyes.

Captain Stacy feels ashamed of himself. He’s not a good father. Gwen deserves a good mother. She deserves a good family. They both admit that they’re not very good at being single, but this conversation gets halted when Parker accidentally makes a floorboard creak. They both smile at the kid weakly. “Captain Stacy here has a Police Detectives Conference in Atlantic City this weekend…” Aunt May tells the little pantswetter. “So I offered to let your friend Gwen stay with us until he gets back.”

BRRT! BRRRRT!! This is not especially good news, and Parker is dumb enough to tell MJ about it the next day in the basement. “She’s in the house right now?” MJ asks him, eyes wide. “She’s sleeping here?”

MJ doesn’t understand. It’s inscrutable! She’s wearing a crop top that says “JUICY” on it. She seems mad at Parker even though he didn’t do anything! The only CRIME here that he committed was ROB A BANK!

… oh wait. No. Whoops.

MJ starts screaming. “Well, what am I supposed to think?! First, she’s just showing up here in the middle of the night… and – and – and now she’s sleeping over? In – in – in her pajamas?”

Parker doesn’t know what to say other than he doesn’t like her. He likes MJ! Come on, now! “I’m not going to do anything with her,” he says quietly. She’s not happy. This is inappropriate.

“Do you not trust me?” he asks.

“I don’t trust her!! Okay?” MJ snarls.

Parker doesn’t know what to do. Aunt May is doing this as a favor. He can’t do anything about it. MJ is mad. What should he do? Aunt May is doing this as a favor. MJ is mad. Parker doesn’t know what to do!

“Did you tell her you were Spider-Man?” MJ asks, eyes narrowed, tears running down her cheeks.

Hell no, Sister! Are you cuckoo bananas?!

MJ storms off.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29

Women! Right, fellas?!

Remember when Parker said “I’m not going to do anything with her?” Well, he is, ladies and gentlemen. Right in front of Aunt May. Right on the kitchen table!

They’re doing homework! What were you thinking, you perverted sex offender.

The TV is turned to the news, where a special report is underway. A local jewelry store is being robbed by Spider-Man. “Police have made numerous attempts to negotiate with the Spider-Man and there is no word on what the hostage situation is just yet. But it looks like the rumors are true, Spider-Man has officially joined the ranks of criminals.”

Eek! Parker looks salty. Time to be Spider-Man. He asks Aunt May if he can go over to MJ’s for a bit, and then he costumes up and slings about town trying to get to the jewelry store before more damage is done. The police swarm the outside of the jewelry store, all “we have the place surrounded” and “come out with your hands up” and “we could be shooting black people right now, but nooooooo”.

The real Spider-Man swings over the store and lands on the front window, intending to have a chit-chat with the imposter inside. “Get your hands on your head!!” a cop screams. Spider-Man thinks he has a handle on this situation, but the only thing he has a handle on is his own dick.

“Oh, come on… you are talking to the actual Spider-Man now – hence I am not robbing anything in there and talking to you out here.

Shit doesn’t matter. The cop yells through his bullhorn that Spider-Man has until the count of three.

The count of three, huh? The count of three until what? Huh?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29

Youch, kids. Don’t piss off the cops, they’ll shoot you with their stupid guns.

Oh. Well, that certainly is a thing.

Final Thoughts

This dumb bitch got himself shot! He should’ve just stayed home and tongued Gwen Stacy’s various orifices, but now he’s dead. See you next issue!


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