Nickelodeon Child Stars — Where Are They Now?

Wasn’t it great be a ’90s kid?! Pogs! Tamagotchis! The golden years of the Simpsons! Purple ketchup! Schindler’s List! The Oklahoma City bombing! Bill Clinton! The Columbine High School shooting!

Nickelodeon! Ahh, Nickelodeon. I’d spend 28 hours a day in front of my TV soaking it all in. All the inane cartoons, all the horrible child actors, all the slime that led to online sexual fetishization, all the toy commercials selling complete junk like Dr. Dreadful’s Food Lab or those Domino Rally sets. It leads one to wonder, 30 years later, what became of some of these child stars that were paraded around TV like monkeys in a zoo. Some of them went on to write memoirs called I’m Glad My Mom Died. Others went on to become a Saturday Night Live cast member for the rest of their lives, apparently, at this rate. But what became of some of the lesser-known stars? The ones who delighted us as children and disappeared into a volcano after 1999? I’m here to shed some light on the whereabouts of a small handful of minor teen celebrities who weren’t in the news for experimenting with cocaine or MDMA… for example. No judgement here!

Danny Cooksey (Bobby Budnick, Salute Your Shorts)

Nickelodeon Stars - Where Are they Now?

Danny Cooksey – Cult Leader

America’s favorite ’90s mulleted ginger, Bobby Budnick warmed our hearts teaming up with Donkey Lips to terrorize Sponge Harris at Camp Anawana, but what became of Danny Cooksey after his spirited tenure on Salute Your Shorts?

Cooksey endeavored to become a very successful cult leader in the early 2000s, having founded the Peoples Order of the Grey Heron after a kid threw a stone at his head while walking through the park in his parachute pants. When he came to, he was in awe of a great bird framed by the sun standing above him. It was as if God himself had descended to Blorp’s Pond in order to send him a message; to fulfill his destiny as a powerful, influential leader of lost souls. Then the grey heron attempted to peck out Cooksey’s eyeballs, but it was nothing that a few spritzes of antiseptic spray couldn’t fix!

The Peoples Order the Grey Heron wasn’t successful. Comprising of only he and Tim Stevens from Cooksey’s high school 12th grade English class (where they had partnered up on a book report about The Scarlet Letter), the cult meetings eventually devolved into random evening hangouts where they would drive by clubs and holler at the girls while high on paint thinner. These days, Cooksey sells souvenir bean bags in Wachapreague, Virginia. If you stop by and say hi, he’ll autograph a copy of his memoir for $5: The Cult of One: Why Tim Still Owes Me Money for Breaking My Lava Lamp.

Arthur Reggie III (Alfie Parker, My Brother and Me)

Nickelodeon Stars - Where Are they Now?

Arthur Reggie III – Homeless

My Brother and Me was a polarizing show to be sure. Some, like me, were just the right age to enjoy its wholesome suburban family antics. Some were outgrowing Nickelodeon and ready to move onto much more sophisticated television entertainment (like Disney Channel or the Spice Network). Some, like you, were too profoundly racist to watch a show centered around a black family. Or maybe you were getting your fill of it from Family Matters. Alfie Parker was the middle child of the Parker household, bringing love and mirth to the spotight with his always cheery disposition! His best friend was named Goo. Here’s a fun fact: “My Friend Goo” by Sonic Youth was about Alfie Parker even though the song was released four years before the show was even on TV.

Arthur Reggie III went on to do great things! And by “great things” I meant “heroin”. Unfortunately, Arthur Reggie III became addicted to smack during filming of the first season of My Brother and Me at the tender age of 11. As a result of his crippling drug problem, the show’s producers decided to break their contract with Nickelodeon as an act of respect instead of replacing Reggie III with Danny DeVito for the role of Alfie. The producers owed Nickelodeon a $4,500,000,000 fee for the breach of contract, which they are still paying back to this day on a 930-year monthly installment plan.

Today, Arthur Reggie III is 39 years old and living under the I-94 overpass on the corner of North and Ashland. If you flip him a quarter and ask him to sing “The Alfie Song”, he gladly let you pee on his hand to shield his frost-bitten appendage from the harsh Chicago cold.

Michael Maronna (“Big” Pete Wrigley, The Adventures of Pete and Pete)

Nickelodeon Stars - Where Are they Now?

Michael Maronna – Dead

America’s favorite ’90s mulleted ginger warmed our hearts teaming up with “Little” Pete Wrigley to terrorize Sponge Harris at Camp Anawana! If memory serves. We know Maronna played shiftless stoner characters in movies like Slackers, 40 Days and 40 Nights, and The Passion of the Christ, but the public hasn’t seen him much over the years. Where is he now?

Unfortunately, in a Tom Writes About Stuff exclusive, it is with apologetic regret to inform you gentle readers that Michael Maronna passed away in 2017. We banged on the door of his estranged wife’s (Jerri Jo “Driveshaft” Stinkley) trailer for 15 hours until she woke up from her crack cocaine stupor and answered the door. She heard word from her sister (with the club foot) that Maronna was found dead in his basement apartment due to a non-congenital ailment known as “baseball bat to the skull syndrome”. He was $400,000 in the hole after having made hundreds of misguided bets on rigged carnival games such the ring toss, and the Plinko game where the disc falls into the slot. After being threatened by a band of angry clowns, thinking that the traveling carnival was going to leave for their next destination of Belchertown, Illinois, Maronna double-bolted the locks on his 40 sq. ft. Indianapolis apartment and kicked back with a tall glass of peppermint mouthwash. He thought the clowns would never find him again.

He was wrong about the clowns.

Lori Beth Denberg (Various, All That)

Nickelodeon Stars - Where Are they Now?

Lori Beth Denberg – Interdimensional Parasite

Lori Beth Denberg warmed NO hearts with her abysmal performances on All That, ranging from “obnoxious library” to “professional dumbass”. Her slot as a regular player in the sketch comedy show’s cast catapulted Nickelodeon into the toilet. It took the network 17 years and 9 seasons of SpongeBob Squarepants to recover from the damage. You may be wondering where she is these days. Not me. I don’t give a shit.

After falling into a pile of industrial polonium waste while foraging for garbage near a fat rendering plant, Denberg gained the ability to talk to animals. This power came in handy when she started working for the local police and Animal Control, communicating with the bomb-sniffing dogs and saving children from rhinoceros stampedes. This new power, of course, came with a price. And that price was pissing off the Galactic Interdimensional Mercenary Police. Or “GIMP”.

Lori Beth Denberg had a choice: get ripped apart by wolves as part of the GIMP punitive response to unauthorized use of superpowers without a permit, OR get shrunk down to the size of a tick in order to perform special duties for the GIMP force among the infinite dimensions of the Milky Way galaxy.

Denberg opted for the latter option, doomed to spend the rest of eternity training GIMP dogs for the K-9 unit by burrowing in the fur near their ears and whispering instructions and commands to carry out GIMP’s nefarious galaxy domination schemes. We wish her the best of luck.

Isn’t that a blast from the past? You’re probably wondering “Hey Tom, what about Omar Gooding, Cuba Gooding Jr.’s brother, of Wild and Crazy Kids fame?” Well, gentle reader, he’s dead too of knife to the chest poisoning. His last words were “Put the knife down, Donnie Jeffcoat.”


Click here to ridicule this post!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 – “Sacrifice for Tomorrow”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Superman: Endgame collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 – “Sacrifice for Tomorrow”! In the previous issue of the Superman: Endgame collection, the Eradicator shows up to do some damage (good damage) while Lex Luthor tries to find a way to mitigate some other damage (bad damage). It is discovered that Brainiac 13’s weakness is Kryptonian technology, which is a big plot hole if I’ve ever heard one. Lex Luthor is going to take advantage of that.

In the previous issue of Action Comics Vol. 1, Clark Kent goes Christmas shopping and then has to beat up something called Etrigan, who did a lot of rhyming. It honestly doesn’t matter.

Let’s finish up this Y2K storyline before all the computers in the world explode! Oh no!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 [February, 2000]
Written by: Joe Kelly
“Sacrifice for Tomorrow”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763

Here we go, bitches. Lex Luthor is entering the ruckus and he brought with him his big, bald dick. This used to be Superman’s favorite holiday (New Year’s? Why?), but this year really blew it with the good vibes. In London, large mechanical spiders and robot tentacles take over the Big Ben clock. In Moscow, large mechanical spiders and robot tentacles take over Saint Basil’s Cathedral. In Sydney, yada yada yada Opera House. “I don’t know how I can stop this,” says Superman, flying through the air with a sourpuss face.

Brainiac 13 informs the caped sad sack that his conversion of Metropolis to a literal city of tomorrow is complete. “It’s over, Superman.”

Superman has a rebuttal to this: “BLAARHGHGH BLAHUGHGUH”. Brainiac 13 is getting kind of huffy. Metropolis is now the “motherboard” for a “virtual god”. “Megabyte Buddha in a nanotech nirvana”. This shit didn’t age well. It sounds like Chuck Palahniuk trying to be edgy in 1999 with buzz phrases.

“I am everything here with all the world’s power funneled through me – my ability to manipulate this city and its denizens is infinite! The entirety of the population of Metropolis was upgraded for service 3.4 minutes after you left.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Superman fucked off to his Fortress of Solitude with Eradicator in Superman: The Man of Steel, Issue #98 and also who the fuck gives a shit?

“I hope the trip was worth it.”

And yes, the population of Metropolis has been transformed into these weird Silver Surfer chrome-plated slaves. “One last time, Kryptonian… you’ve lost,” Brainiac 13 sneers, telling Superman what’s what. He’s going to continue upgrading the planet, and also he’ll be working out how to destroy Superman and everything he loves, holds dear, and eats for breakfast. We’ll start with waffles, then move on to Lois Lane. If he has time, pancakes.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763

Quickly, before my CPAP machine runs out of batteries!

Elsewhere (namely, Lex Luthor’s Tower of Fun & Games), the man himself is strapped into his Kryptonian battle Transformer, and it’s more than meets the eye! Or less. He’s arguing with his toddler niece, aka Brainiac 2, about making a damn move to save his city. Brainiac 2 is too busy marveling at Brainiac 13’s efficiency! Europe converted! Asia converted! Those are large landmasses! That’s, like, 99.98% of the Earth’s surface if I remember my PhD geography classes. Patience, my pet. Patience. Patience is a virtue. You do know how to be virtuous, right Lex? Heh.

Superman is carrying his little robot buddy, Kelex, through Metropolis and over to Lextower. Kelex tells Superman what we’ve already been told many times in the last couple of issues: Brainiac 13 can only interface with compatible technology. No compatibility, no interfacing. Simple as that. Kryptonian technology is not compatible. We’ve been through this. Let’s cut to the goddamned chase.

Kelex, being Kryptonian technology, is like “I got this, I think…”, but then senses other Kryptonian technology within the vicinity. Like, within an 8,000 mile radius. Wait… recalculating… reticulating splines… it’s within the city limits.

Brainiac 13 is about to tell Superman that his alien technology will not harm him, but Lex Luthor’s Kryptonian warsuit appears to uppercut him right in the jaw. “By the gold volcano of merciful Rao! We are saved!” Kelex throws up his spindly robot arms in jubilation. Brainiac 2 Lena Luthor congratulates her uncle on a good hit. Lex tells her to cork it.

“Luthor! Listen!” Superman yells from just outside the warsuit. “I don’t know how you stole that suit from me, but I’m willing to forget it so long as we work together to stop Brainiac!” Luthor calls this idea “munificent”, which I had to look up because Lex Luthor is smarter than I am by about thirteen Brainiacs. And then he gives Superman a sarcastic jab about how positively INSCRUTABLE Kryptonian technology is. “I’ll have to get by just smashing stuff,” he says, smashing stuff. Lena is overjoyed while Lex smirks like he’s America’s most cleanly-washed asshole.

Superman spots Lois and she looks like a crying clown. He then instructs Kelex to link up with the warsuit and check how badly Lex modified it.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763

Come on, Superman! You’ve had your share of threesomes, I’m sure. Don’t puss out, son!

Brainiac is yelling about wanting the warsuit while some other disgraceful robotic foes enter into the mix for Superman to beat up. This goes on for some time while Brainiac spouts inanities that don’t matter. Lex agrees to let Brainiac 2 take over the warsuit reigns.

“Sir, I detect over one hundred significant risks in your plan,” Kelex tells Superman as it attempts to improvise, per Superman’s request. He tells Kelex to put a sock in it and do stuff anyway. Lena Luthor presses a button within the suit, which neutralizes the various robot enemies. This helps both Lex AND Superman, which is not ideal but you can’t complain too hard about the results!

Superman takes this opportunity to punch Brainiac’s big metal face like he has a snowball’s chance in HECK that it would work. Brainiac continues to mock him with novel-sized insults. “Last son of a dead planet. Fighting to protect slaves. His greatest weapon an impotent toy.” That kind of thing. Superman is looking quite angry, letting his emotions get the better of him. It’s a good thing this is part 5 out of 5 for the Y2K storyline, I don’t think poor Superman can handle more pressure!

Kelex knocks on Lex’s warsuit’s face. “Pardon me, in there… do you want to save the planet, or maybe pick up some munchies and keep joyriding?” Luthor takes pause, and then growls for Kelex to start talking. Superman needs full cooperation or everyone’s toast, capisce? Specific instructions must be followed. Knots must be tied correctly. Everything in its place. Can we count on you, you stubborn and bald piece of shit?

Brainiac has wrapped metal tentacles around his caped rival. “We have quite the history, you and I,” the giant bad guy drawls. “An older you, of course. Wiser. Harder. He has defeated me hundreds of times… but you are not he. You care too much about toys and human slugs and talking to be a real threat. Case in point. I have billions of probes. You have one body… in my grasp. Simple math.”

Yap yap yap yap yap yap. Who cares too much about talking? Geez.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763

Open wide and say “ahhh”! Let the soft touch of the robot hands do their work. Relax, guy.

Lex Luthor still has some tricks up his sleeve, and since he’s wearing two sleeves, that’s twice the tricks. I’m sure what he has in store for Brainiac will be riveting.

Kelex works on repairing the damaged components of the warsuit, all the while commenting upon how fucked up Lex’s adjustments are. Lex tells Kelex to put a sock in it.

Brainiac continues probing Superman with noodly appendages. “I have run simulations of your death 1,098,288,546 times. This one is a particular favorite.” Superman is quite ruffled by this! He prays Kelex is doing his thing, but the little robot is likely off cooking TV dinners and burning ants with his built-in magnifying glass.

Actually, he is helping! He breaks off just one of the thousands of conduits feeding into Brainiac and reroutes it to the warsuit. The intention is to power up and throw the energy back his way. Lex is all for it! Whatever it takes to return this wretched city back into his hands.

Meanwhile, the robot arms are turning into so much warm, sticky goo on Superman’s face. He is starting to asphyxiate like David Carradine in a Bangkok hotel. “KELEX! NOW!” he screams through a nose full of purple spooge. The warsuit has garnered so much energy already that feeding it into Brainiac’s core will warp the shit out of him! I don’t know where this assumption is coming from, but let’s go with it so we can wrap this comic book up in time to watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. That was already on TV in early 2000, right? That Regis Philbin sure was a card.

Kelex tells Lex to step on it, but Lex wants Superman to die first before he enjoys saving the rest of the world. He manually overrides the current command with a wry smile. Like this → :]

“Sir… it is my duty to inform… Luthor behaved exactly as expected.”

Superman condones this nefarious tattling. “Excellent. Wake Tornado,” he gasps through his gooey purple face.

“BRAINIAC!” says a red robot with a yellow arrow on his head. “Fractal wave vortex detected.”

OK, nerd. So Tornado is Kryptonian technology, which scrambles Brainiac’s cicuits long enough for Superman to wrest free. This confuses and angers the Big Brained Brainiac 13. Not so smart are ya when Kryptonian technology is your kryptonite, as it were.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763

Set phasers to kill! TWO TO BEAM UP! BRIDGE TO ENGINEERING! BRIDGE TO ENGINEERING!

Red Tornado, or whatever this mope’s name is, is taking orders from Kelex and starts battling Brainiac 13. Brainiac thinks this is a loser’s game.

Warsuit Jones has a win here though: Using the energy of fourteen thousand pulsars, Brainiac’s programming has been rerouted to Kryptonian circuitry. Everything about him in a hard drive that he doesn’t understand! How do you like them apples?

Brainiac says this is impossible. The energy required is unfathomable! It cannot be fathomed! Can God create so much energy that even he cannot fathom it?? YES!

Superman thinks everything is over and done and an evening of Salisbury steak awaits. “Kelex,” he grins hazily like the biggest orgasm of his life has just drained his testicles, “escort Mr. Luthor out of the suit, please… gently.”

Kelex is stunned. There are TWO people in the suit! BUH-WHAT? Oh well, more importantly, all the robot tentacles gripping and squeezing the major landmarks of the world appear to be breaking apart. “I believe we’ve got him sir,” Superman’s little robot companion reports.

And, verily, whatever magic slave spell Brainiac had on Lois Lane has been discharged and obliterated. Finito. She looks drunk. “Clark?” she slurs at Superman, who reminds her that Clark is somewhere else and not here in front of her ready to give her a smooch on the ol’ lips. She asks if the threat is over. “Mostly,” Superman says. “Brainiac 13’s control over you and the rest of Metropolis is shattered… a few more seconds and he’ll be harmless as a cell phone.”

Have you been reading the news in 2000, Superman? Those things cause cancer! Ionizing radiation! People are dropping like flies everywhere! Hardly harmless, you insensitive, ignorant dingus.

Superman is unnerved, though. Brainiac 13 has been thwarted, but Metropolis still looks like one of those futuristic levels in Crash Bandicoot: Warped! What gives? Superman wants his Salisbury steak TONIGHT god fucking damnit.

The warsuit suddenly gives off an ear-splitting “SSSFFFCHOW”. Lex stands next to him, silent but deadly. We’ll find out why in a minute! Stay tuned!

Brainiac 13 has been fully subdued, Metropolis hasn’t reverted back its original state, and Luthor has capitalized on this world tragedy by registering over 500 pants within a two day period. A record! He’ll finally be rich!

Brainiac 13 had a proposition for Luthor: his final demise will revert back to its original state, but he promises Lex some good stuff if he instead hands over the Brainiac 2 vessel. Lex is all like “hell no, girlfriend”. But then Brainiac promises a lifetime of power, wealth, and God status. So he does it. He gives Lena Luthor to the suit, who absorbs the child.

“We had him beaten!” Superman yells later through Lex’s office window. “Trapped. It was over…”

“Leave me alone,” Lex frowns. Superman doesn’t know exactly what Lex did, but he knows that Lex is responsible for Metropolis’ refusal to revert. And it cost him Lena Luthor.

“If it’s the last thing I do in this life…” Superman says, looking fiery with anger, “…I will get her back, Lex. And I will see you pay.”

“I hope you do, but I’ve already paid. I’ve paid in full.”

Final Thoughts

What an asshole! That Lex guy is a bad egg, I’m starting to think this about him. Two strikes mister, and I don’t have to tell you what happens at strike three. Thin ice, pal.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30 – “Emergency”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Public Scrutiny storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30 – “Emergency”! In the previous installment, an imposter Spider-Man has robbed a bank and smeared the spidery one’s good name! Later, when the imposter Spider-Man holds up a jewelry store, Peter Parker clad in his outfit tries to neutralize the situation by talking to the police and ends up getting himself shot with gun bullets!

Between these two specific events, Gwen Stacy is going to stay at the Parker household while Captain Stacy is away at the *checks notes* Police Detectives Conference in Atlantic City? Sounds like a good front for boning hookers for a week. At any rate, MJ is less than happy about this awful arrangement. Parker insists that everything will be ok and that she should trust him, but MJ’s problem is that she doesn’t trust Gwen. Drama ensues and Parker is being an oblivious child about it.

That’s enough recap for now! Somebody shut me up.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30 [January, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Emergency”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Another issue, another provocative Spider-Man pose. I think I’m getting the vapors.

Spider-Man is bleeding everywhere after having been shot right through the shoulder. Police stand right above him, guns trained. “Don’t you move a muscle or I will blow your head off!!”

One twitch and this police officer will blow him all right. Blow him right to heaven. The police manhandle the little nerd and cuff him. “Oh no! Oh no!” he thinks, writhing in pain and about to be taken right to the clink. It’s an embarrassing spectacle. Lookie-loos are everywhere. He gets read his Miranda rights and one officer aims to unmask this kid once and for all. Now he’s gone and done it! You don’t mess with the mask, son.

Still cuffed, Spidey does a backflip onto a police car and leaps away before the cops can say “boo” (because that would be dumb, why would any of them say “boo”? Come on). A rain of bullets flies toward him, but Spidey is too swift! Too fast! Too handsome! He cannot be bulleted!

Scaling a building and taking shelter on a rooftop, Spider-Man tries to tear free of his handcuff prison. Mask off past his chin, he struggles and says “ow” a lot. Head swimming with a fearful soup of disjointed thoughts, he gains the strength of a 90-pound woman whose baby is in peril and rips those handcuffs apart!

Far out, man.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

The mating call of the spider: “Guh– guh– guh– guh–”

He’s not even safe upon the roof! A helicopter fixes its big damn bright spotlight on the kid. “This is the NYPD!! Freeze where you are! Lie on the ground with your hands over your head or we will shoot you!!”

BLAM! BLAM! SPING! SPAKK! They didn’t even give the kid a chance! He frolics away quickly.

While the officers in the helicopter argue with each other, Spidey loses them.

“I had him in my hands! I had him!” Officer #1 says as the two of them skulk around the buildings with their flashlights.

“I know!” replies Officer #2.

“In my hands!”

“So am I going to have to listen to you whine about this for the rest of my life?”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Wimp. Rub some dirt on it.

Meanwhile, Parker is hunkering down behind a dumpster, clutching his shoulder like he got seriously injured or something. “God! I’ve been shot! I- I- I- don’t know what to do… I didn’t think– I- I didn’t…”

Something goes “Ploosh” and then we get a scene change to MJ in her bed writing in her diary. Ever since the “Bridge Incident” (I don’t remember if that was from Green Goblin #1 or Green Goblin #2, but it’s ONE of the two! Glad I could be of service), she’s been having nightmares. Nightmares about bridges and incidents. She is interrupted by a phone call from Aunt May. Not HER Aunt May. She doesn’t have an Aunt May!

“Peter?! Yeah – he’s here. He’s in the bathroom,” MJ tells her, and it’s not entirely a lie. Parker, after all, went to MJ’s just to slip into something a little more comfortable and then prance around in the night getting shot at. “Yeah – he’s – I don’t know what he’s doing in there,” she adds, implying that he might be jerking off furiously. Aunt May is satisfied and tells her nephew’s fuck friend to come home since it’s late.

The phone rings again immediately. Petey Parker from a pay phone (lol) calling collect (lolol). Of course she accepts the charges and is overjoyed that Parker is ok! Well, not at all ok. But ok enough to make MJ pay for a phone call.

“Mary… help me…”

Aw hell no! Downtown in the middle of the night? Alone? Are you mad, gurl? Peter Parker ain’t worth that nonsense! But, nevertheless, she ambles through what looks like a really, really shitty part of town looking for the bleeding kid.

She finds him in the garbage.

“Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Peter! What happened?” she cries as Parker looks like dogshit. MJ is freaking out. She brought some clean clothes and a first aid kit and a SARS blanket and these cool blue pills she got from her dad. *shakes bottle*

“We have to get you to a hospital.”

“They’ll arrest me! I don’t – I don’t know what to do,” he winces.

“We have to call your Aunt May!” Aw hell no. In the middle of the night? Are you mad, gurl?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Uncle Ben ate a bullet! Remember?! Are you mad, gurl?

Man, Uncle Ben was shot. Aunt May doesn’t need any more of these bullet shenanigans. MJ, with tears streaming down her face, realizes what needs to happen…

All but kicking and screaming, Parker insists that they need to avoid the ER. “They’ll call the cops,” he reminds her. “You have to do this,” she reminds him. “Just – just do it.”

Like a living Nike commercial.

So he just does it. He gets a lot of stares from the current ER clientele while he walks right up to a doctor standing near the front desk and collapses in his warm, waiting arms. Emergency! Let’s fix this dork up!

MJ looks as forlorn as you could possibly be while Parker gets worked on like a car in a mechanic’s shop.

“Hey Mike, has he moved?”

“Nope. Out cold.”

“His vital signs are strong.”

“Strong – they are through the roof.”

“Oh, finally, here comes the police.”

Parker perks up a little.

“Officer?”

“Doctor Costanza?”

“Yes. Thank you for responding.”

“What do we got?”

“We got a John Doe. Kid comes in – gunshot wound to the shoulder.”

Back and forth. No ID. Different shirt than the one he was shot in. Doctor Costanza likes his chicken spicy! Sorry, had to throw that one in there. In the one second it takes for the cop to draw the current, poof. Parker’s gone. Bed is empty. Doctor Costanza’s gettin’ upset!

It appears he has leapt through a ceiling tile. “I swear,” the doctor gibbers, “we never – we never left him alone.”

Suuuuuuure you didn’t. Meanwhile, MJ is in the waiting room with her large Macy’s bag at her feet, slightly open. Open enough for the old woman sitting next to her to catch a glimpse of the Spider-Man costume packed within…

MJ notices the woman staring and closes the bag with her knees…

Officer Fuck asks the people in the waiting room if any kid has run through lately. You know, recently. Within the last minute or so. I’m sure you’d remember if you saw him. Argghh. Fine.

Doctor Costanza calls in the security troops!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Are you mad, gurl?

MJ, having been identified as possibly the girl that came in with the injured boy, starts booking it the fuck on out of there once danger starts looming. I’m glad this all went well.

By the time the doctor, police, and security leave the front door, MJ is nowhere to be seen.

“Oh, my God – I’m going to faint,” MJ breathes, smiling from ear to ear. Parker, still wearing his hospital gown, gives MJ a full view of his butt.

Since they have no money between them and Parker is too hopped up to swing them both home, they go over their options: 1) use MJ’s ATM card, or 2) yeah, let’s just do that.

So Aunt May tried to wait up, splayed out on the couch with remote control still in hand. She stirs, wakes up, checks Peter’s room and finds him asleep. Safe and sound. She stares daggers at him, but since he looks like such a cute little puppy dog, her expression softens. She quietly leaves the room.

When the coast is clear, Peter grabs his shoulder with a loud “Aagghh!” Loud enough for, like, Aunt May to hear, come on. Are you mad, gurl?

The news is currently airing a report on Spider-Man’s whereabouts and intentions. A one Sergeant Bullit has a very important message: “Vigilante behavior will not be tolerated in this city – masked or otherwise. We have been lenient on people like this Spider-Man – but those days are over.”

Spider-Man – this delinquent from the four corners of Hell – wears a mask like coward. Now the people know why. And the masked criminal will pay for what he has done.

“Ow,” Parker grunts.

Final Thoughts

I look forward to seeing just how Parker will be able to pull a fast one on Aunt May. Bullet wounds are hard to hide… I’m told.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Paper Girls, Issue #24

* Part 4 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 5 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #24! In the previous installment, Erin and the Tiffs find Wari. Mac still won’t kiss KJ. Erin and the Tiffs find out that Erin just came by the other day! KJ threatens a doctor at knifepoint to help Mac cure her cancer.

Ok you’re caught up let’s keep moving go go go this storyline is fucking interesting.

Paper Girls, Issue #24 [September, 2018]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #24

That’s right, Mac. Breathe in that cancer-killing gas. Ironic that it’s farts, but hey. Modern science.

Wari reminisces. A woman wearing a sabertooth tiger-skin shawl yells at Wari in her cave and tells her to shake a leg. “I’m going home! Wari, get up! You have to see this!”

The woman is Dr. Qanta Braunstein, who looks like she’s been living in the far, far past for long enough that her once mohawked hair is now down to her shoulders. Either the four girls delivered Braunstein’s message, or someone in the far future dug up her distress signal. “Either way, the future threw me a lifeline,” she says, checking out a capsule drifting toward Earth via parachute.

“So. You now leave me?” Wari says, looking weary. And, yes, she’s leaving! She’ll always fondly remember the good old days, but bye!

Wari starts screaming other-language things. Then she calms down and points her toddling son. “Jahpo. My baby. You taking him with.”

Nope! Sorry, sister! Not cool, her people would never allow it, etc. Wari’s suggestion is to go to some other time, then. Just take the kid, please. He deserves better than growing up in smelly 11,706 BCE.

Wari begs. She begs and pleads and sobs and moans and cries. Not really. She’s not that emotional. She just asks VERY NICELY if Braunstein can help keep her child away from his fathers. They must be mean, I guess. 11,706 BCE men are mean? Who would’ve thought??

Braunstein frowns. She doesn’t know how to raise a kid!

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Yeah, the trick is to not let them eat styrofoam and the rest kind of falls into place.

Erin is eating what appears to be FUTURE FISHSTICKS while Wari tells her and the Tiffs her story. Braunstein took her and Jahpo to Indonesia “years after her colleagues in the States stopped looking for her”. In return, complete silence. No one was to know where they came from. Braunstein raised Jahpo as her own, and he and Wari were unofficial siblings. Apparently, even Jahpo doesn’t know the truth about that.

When Erin asks her what she meant by “you were just here the other day”, Wari’s eyes go slightly askew and she asks the three of them who the hell they are and why they’re in her house. Alzheimer’s! That’s fun! Double-Oh Tiff is like “look, ma’am, do you have Braunstein’s time travel gizmo or not?”

“Ah, now I remember,” Wari says, pointing at Erin with her dementia-ridden face. “Your name is Erin Tieng. You came her a few months ago to give me something.” Erin is confused and started and… still a little hungry so she keeps eating these fishstick-looking lumps.

Wari asks her Robot Eyeball if it knows where the time travel doohickey is. “I’m sorry, Wari. I am unable to say.”

Well that’s just peachy, ain’t it folks! The one chance to go home and Wari lost the time travel thingamajig in a sock drawer somewhere. “We are never getting home,” Erin frowns solemnly.

Tiff has other thoughts to prioritize over getting back to 1988.

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Thanks, Obama.

Both Tiffs are beside themselves about this while Wari looks on bookshelves for the whatever. KJ radios Erin to ask how things are coming along. Meanwhile, KJ’s got her scalpel to the doctor’s throat while Mac lies on something that looks like the Animus from Assassin’s Creed (NERD ALERT!). “This is creepier than my gym teacher testing us for scoliosis. But if it’s gonna zap out my disease, then let her rip.”

Doctor Knifepoint readies the computer program, the Zap Out My Disease program. “After I finish this scan, the Gene-E will eliminate any… Hmm.”

Hmm? What hmm? WHAT hmm? Oh god, there’s a hmm? No hmm!

“This young woman doesn’t have leukemia. She never did, and she never will.”

WHAT? HUH? ERP? SHMORT? The doctor goes on to explain that whoever gave Mac the diagnosis was wrong as shit. She’s actually going to die from 4DC, an untreatable disease! “It’s a rare group of cancers that only afflicts a small percentage of certain professionals… time travelers.”

SHMORT! Doc hits a button that shackles Mac to her Animus. Ain’t no time travelers gonna come invade 2171. He thought they were just immigrants, but he was DEAD FUCKING wrong!

“Step away from there or you’re a dead man!” KJ screams as Doc rummages through a drawer.

“I already am. Do you have any idea what WATCH does to people who help you whores?” He pulls out a device that looks like a COVID-era forehead thermometer. “Killing you is my only shot at living.”

The doctor sprays KJ with a green fart. She coughs and collapses. Doc promises that it’s just a sedative and that he’ll wait until they’re both unconscious before he kills them! Hippocratic oath and doing no harm indeed!

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Sorry, girls. Dr. No-Nards is stationed in the maternity wing.

KJ activates her hover boots, which sends the hover vibrations right into Doc’s dick, rendering him quite incapacitated and hopefully neutered like any animal Bob Barker touches. KJ shambles over to open the door while Mac tears herself out of her contraption. “You are seriously my hero,” Mac says. “I seriously need a nap,” KJ replies.

Time to leave. Forget getting rid of cancer, I guess. “The new kid was right, you die when you die. But that ain’t gonna be today.”

Back in Time Travel Cop HQ, the giant floating cyberpunk ship, Cardinal interrupts Jahpo talking to his pet Multi-Eyeball Beast Editrix. A local doctor had a run-in with some juvenile time travelling hooligans at the hospital. “At a hospital? Cardinal, how many calls a day do we get about mentally ill patients who think they’re lost in time?”

This is real, sir! KJ is wearing baggy acid wash jeans! It doesn’t matter anyway, Alister is still scoping out 1988 and it’s probably a good idea to go join him there. “Tell helm to take us into the Folding,” he orders. It sounds risky as shit, transporting an entire airship through a tiny little vagina-sized hole in the sky. “What about just taking a few of the bots?” Cardinal desperately suggests, but they “leave too much of a footprint”.

Bottom line, it has to be done this way. Jahpo snaps at her, he apologizes, and she tells him to rest. “I’ll wake you when it’s time.”

Erin and the Tiffs have started searching for the thingamabob as well. “If you say it’s here, we’ll find it, Wari,” Young Tiff assures.

“Unless she’s speaking nonsense, which she most definitely is,” Double-Oh Tiff mutters.

Paper Girls, Issue #24

Seems very unlikely. The Jahpo I know hates New York.

Erin, of course, asks if the man in the photo she picks up is Jahpo. “Nowadays, he goes by ‘Grand Father’. A title my foolish son believes he earned.” It clicks that Erin saw this guy way back in 1988 before they were whisked away to 2016. Mac radios Erin again asking for help. “This chick is surprisingly heavy,” she says and she drags KJ along, her arm on Mac’s shoulder. They’re on the roof of a building…somewhere. Does that help? “I could use a hand getting her wherever you guys are.”

Mac places KJ on the roof, where she sleepily curls up. Mac is to keep her safe up there. She can wait for them, goddamnit.

The Tiffs are going to go find the Mac/KJ Power Team. Erin can keep ravaging Wari’s apartment looking for god knows what. “If anyone can figure out what the heck is going on, it’s you,” Young Tiff tells her friend. Then they hug. It’s really touching. Let’s go now.

“Hey,” Erin turns to Eyeball Caretaker, “are you positive you don’t know where Wari hid whatever it is we’re supposed to be looking for?”

“I’m sorry. I’m unable to say.”

Erin eyeballs the Eyeball suspiciously. When she asks it what her favorite color is, and it responds with “I don’t know”, she realizes that the Eyeball does know something and is programmed to keep it a secret. “Any chance it it works like an ATM?” Erin asks. “Maybe you need to enter some kind of code?”

Wari does have a password: “Dreamwomen”.

The robot opens its iris, much like General Hammond from Stargate SG-1, and reveals a little map.

Erin smiles. A map to home.

Final Thoughts

Yeah buddy! Final storyline back in 1988? OR, more likely, 1945 where they can drop the atomic bomb onto Hiroshima AND Nagasaki. Like a group of numbskulls.

One issue left in this story, and then I’m immediately moving on. Best comic I’ve come across. Thanks, Obama!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98 – “Thirty Minutes to Oblivion”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Superman: Endgame collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98 – “Thirty Minutes to Oblivion!” In the previous issue of the Superman: Endgame collection, Superman has become Electric Blue Superman out of nowhere and he proves to be unfathomably useless again with respect to solving problems and helping people. It’s funny.

Elsewhere, Brainiac 1.0 has taken over Baby Lena Luthor and is channeling through her to help Lex stop Brainiac 13 (a model that is 80,000 years ahead of current technology! Like, oh snap, son!). It has recreated Superman from Brainiac 13’s power core and they get him out of stasis. Time to finish what they’ve started, chumps, and Lex and Superman are gonna team up to do it!

In the previous issue of Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), it doesn’t matter. We’re doing Y2K stuff now. This is the issue where the insufferable John Henry Irons will show up to play superhero, so I hate it already.

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98 [March, 2000]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Thirty Minutes to Oblivion”

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

“9 A.M., New Year’s Day 2000. Hangover time.” The speeding pitch black train (that Ma and Pa Kent are currently trapped on) is starting to slow down, much to the relief of the hapless passengers who have been dealing with circling the city at 490 mph all day.

The train stops at a surprisingly well-lit subway station where men with green jumpsuits, futuristic batons, and bright yellow lights on their foreheads are ushering everybody out. “Get moving… a life of glorious union awaits you all!”

This makes people uneasy as they shuffle out of the train. The station is swarming with metallic spiders. “Be joyful. The Master has determined that the human race displays all the elements required of an efficient maintenance force. He is raising this shining new city for our well-being.” Absolute dogshit stuff here. What Master? Why is the Master pushing people around? Why should anyone listen to the Master? There are literally a thousand more questions like these, such as what Master ? Oh wait, I already said that.

This leader of the Jumpsuit Brigade assures the scared people that they will be shown the light and reborn as a faithful servant to Brainiac 13. “Now – step into the reorientation chamber!” he says, pointing to big face-shaped artifact with a hole in the mouth for the coveted reorientation proceedings. Dudes are getting shot in the arm with these futuristic batons and going like this: *grimace*

LUCKILY, SUPERMAN IS ON THE SCENE! Why? I don’t know. Maybe he sensed that a nefarious reorientation was afoot? He starts bouncing from one jumpsuited motherfucker to another, breaking batons and dusting off his hands.

Ah yeah, Mark Schultz is the guy who likes to tell his story through a lot of inner monologue. That’s what we in the business call “not good storytelling”, but who am I to judge? “The Blue Construct’s physical contact with Brainiac 13 allowed me to accurately ‘see’ that monster’s plan to herd civilians to this reprogramming center!” he says to himself / the audience, which I guess explains why he sensed that his presence was needed. Maybe there could have been a better way to express this, such as Superman yelling at the top of his lungs “BEING BLUE HELPED ME TO FIND DA PEOPLE”.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

01011110101 you eat my shit, brainiac 1000110110

Superman wanted to kind of do this clandestinely, but barrelling into the station like the fucking Kool-Aid Man has unwittingly attracted Brainiac 13’s attention. Brainiac, being as smart as he is, doesn’t understand how or why Superman has made it here and not been killed by now, but he vows to finish the job! All Brainiac has to do is wrap some metal tendrils around here, squeeze that, yank here, pull down here, twist it, pull it, bop it, bop it, bop it, pull it, twist it, twist it, yaarrrrgghhhh!

IN FLIES ERADICATOR! How convenient! What the fuck am I reading this for? My intelligence is not only being insulted, but dragged through the mud and stomped upon! Brainiac is freaking out, spitting out 1s and 0s and trying to juggle the influx of unknown variables. “Why was I not aware of these eventualities?” the Big Brain sputters and buzzes. “AMAZING – the Eradicator seems to have taken Brainiac by surprise…” Superman thinks, in case you, the reader, have recently had your spinal cord disconnected from your brain and are unable to process information you read about three seconds ago. “Brainiac wasn’t prepared for his attack!”

Perhaps Superman is trying to prove to us that he’s on the ball and not the dummy that he most obviously is! In any case, the Eradicator is here for some reason and that’s good enough for right now. Brainiac phases out of the area, perhaps going to another dimension for a bit before he gets fully eradicated. Ma and Pa Kent run up to talk to Superman, who is all “heh heh, uh, hi there Mr. and Mrs. Kent! How is your SON doing? *wink*”

They ask Superman if he’s fine, and of course he is! But perhaps Ma and Pa should scurry the fuck off before they get hurt. Of course, Pa is a spring chicken and offers to help the other fine people to the hospital or something. That’s dumb! So Superman turns away from him for a minute to talk to Eradictor. “YOU. Why did you return to Earth? I don’t know whether to be happy you bailed me out – or frightened.”

The answer is a resounding “BE FRIGHTENED”, for the Eradictor’s systems have been alerted to a danger in this sector, over and out. The danger being, certainly, in case you haven’t been paying attention whatsoever to the last three-and-a-half issues of Superman, Brainiac trying to take over the planet! Here’s the kicker at the moment, Brainiac is trying to infiltrate Superman’s Fortress of Solitude right now. He’s trying to take away your jerking-off privacy place, Superman. You can’t have that happen, can you? Where will you jerk off then?

EXACTLY! This is bad news! Plus, that’s where the Eradictor has been hanging out, so if it’s affected by the virus it’ll be bad news. Bad news is everywhere now, this rotten millennium.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

Yuck! I HATE the Metal Men! They’re always stealing my magnets and claiming they can’t help it.

Only 30 minutes remain until the B13 virus infiltrates the Fortress, but not to worry. The dang Metal Men are here to help save some semblance of the day.

MEANWHILE “somewhere in the Old Hook Basin district of Suicide Slum, John Henry “Useless” Irons’ whole operation has turned against itself. All his machinery and equipment has developed minds of their own, turned into robots, and they’re trying to KILL John Henry “Pointless” Irons. His niece Natasha thinks this is all his fault, which I’m laughing at as we speak. “So maybe if you had let me go out for New Year’s Eve we’d have a better idea what’s happened to this loser city!”

Irons keeps hitting everything he sees with his big Thor hammer. “DAMN!” he says, busting up some robots who are mocking him, saying that he will acquiesce to the whole “bowing down to the Master” plan. “You have many skills that will prove most useful once you are properly programmed.” Like what, hitting shit with a hammer? Anyone can do that.

Natasha thinks this is bananas and tries to get out of here before anything weirder happens to harsh her buzz. “I’m sick and tired of being forced to do what I don’t wanna…” she says running off while Irons yells at her to stay close. “NAT! I’ve got a plan! Get back here, girl!”

What’s your plan, John Henry “No Plan” Irons? Not having a plan? Sure looks like it.

Natasha has a real plan: throwing a gigantic amount of nuts and bolts into a literal cannon and firing them at the robots. Too bad that they seem to be reassembling themselves as soon as they were blasted apart. I guess they should start trying to get out of the factory instead.

Back at the subway station, the overly-cloying Metal Men are assuring Superman that they are in control of the situation. Viridium and Tin are schlepping folks off to the hospital while Iron and the Eradicator help launch Superman quickly out of Metropolis before Brainiac can figure out that he’s gone. Off to the Fortress of Jerking Off.

What’s going with Lex Luthor during this whole mess? He’s chagrined to be hiding out in his own tower like a scared little rat. His niece Lena, channeling Brainiac 2, tells Lex to cool his jets and let the adults solve the problems.

They make it to the High Security Chamber, which has substantially higher security than the Low Security Chamber! Here nothing has been affected by the B13 virus, so all the weapons and machinery are dormant and not alive and acting up and rearranging furniture or anything like that. Brainiac 13 can’t sense it. It’s a sight for sore eyes.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

What’s this about virus tentacles, Superman? Do you even know what you’re talking about?

As Superman and Eradicator fly to Antarctica, Superman notices that Brainiac’s influence has spread far, far, far from Metropolis already. Only seven minutes until the Fortress is infiltrated!… oh shit, the B13 program can sense their approach! Who forgot to bring the Invisibility Cloak? This royally bites, man. And as if that weren’t senseless enough, “the field of slag where Superman melted down the Fortress” is alive now. Whatever that fucking means, I don’t know how the B13 virus can affect slag. That’s stupid. You’re an awful storyteller, Mark Schultz. Did I mention that already??

“THE ERADICATOR PROGRAM IS BREATHING LIFE AND SHAPE INTO THE FUSED ASHES OF THE FORTRESS!”

I don’t know what it really means to “breathe shape” into something, but I think I’m going to go take a walk for a bit to clear my head of all the garbage this issue has FOISTED upon me.

…

And we’re back. The slag has turned into a large rock monster with a scythe and now Superman and Eradicator have to fight it for some reason. “The last survivor of my beloved homeworld, and a misguided corruption that dares take my name… would waste themselves against the True Eradicator!” it says.

I need another walk. Be right back.

…

Okay. So Eradictor’s so upset that his eyeballs and mouth hole are full of fire. “You have grown strong, monster, but we seek only to protect our home… a world that has shown us mercy and refuge…”

CUUUNCH! Eradicator gets fucking sliced. Good luck trying to outsmart the rock monster, he’s the same only better because he’s the True Eradicator and he can predict every single move! Ahhh ha ha haaa!!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

Be gone, crack-faced impostor! You are killing the mood!

Superman makes a “grrrr” face and determines that these two are so evenly matched that, at best, a stalemate will be the inevitable outcome. Like when there are only two kings left on a chessboard and they just keep doing laps. I guess it’s up to SUPERMAN now to SAVE THE DAY since the Eradicator CAN’T DO SHIT. The True Eradicator informs him it’s too late to do anything! Check your watch, it’s clobbering time! AND, the True Eradicator is going to truly eradicate Earth and replace it with a newer Krypton. A better Krypton. This Krypton won’t explode, it’ll be inert like atomic element #36. That’s krypton.

False Eradicator and Superman team up once again to settle this beast once and for all. “My heat vision and your energy blasts! Strike him together!” Yeah yeah, rah rah rah. Rally ‘em up.

The True Eradicator, again, indicates that it’s too late for any of these tomfooleries. Check it out, those robot spiders are crawling to him! “Yes! Come to me, you bearers of alien wealth! Come and allow our many resources to be joined… and may the strongest program win!”

Superman-shaped Eradicator clutches his forehead, defeated. The spiders have chosen. There is no use, Superman. No use. Hey, Superman, are you listening? OK, good, thank you. It’s no use.

And Superman isn’t going to take “it’s no use” for an answer! …or a statement… Superman isn’t going to take “it’s no use” for an answer to the question “is it of any use?”

Oh wait, Eradicator has a backup plan: fly into the rock monster and possess it with his alter ego David Connor, who I don’t know but also I don’t care. He does this and I don’t understand how it really works. I’m willing to bet Mark Schultz doesn’t understand it either. He just wrote this damn thing.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #98

…can no longer – I can not longer… love them… at all… ever again… … they’ll understand…

There’s an angle that makes Superman look like he has seventeen chins while he bids his friend farewell and then it’s back to business! The spider robots are all collapsing! “But why? The giant didn’t inflict any obvious damage on… wait a minute… the Eradicator caught B13 off guard back in Metropolis…” So then, also, and including this, therefore, also, B13 is sensitive to Kryptonian technology. Let’s use this to our advantage and get the hell out of this comic book!

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor is floating in stasis and hooked up to all manner of weird apparati. Baby Lena Brainiac 2 is with him, assures him that this is the way things are to be. Here’s the skinny: Brainiac 13 is just like your whiz-bang Gateway Computers with Windows 2000 installed. He must program his systems to read and recognize the specific technologies with which he wants to interface. Lex is hooked up to a Kryptonian weapon, and if Brainiac 13 interfaces with it he’ll freeze up and get the BSoD and endlessly run that old screen saver with the 3D brick maze.

Lex Luthor wears a kryptonian warsuit, this huge Transformers looking thing! It’s gonna tear into Brainiac 13 like me tearing into a delicious slab of beef jerky! “Now shut up and guide me to the interloper,” Lex yells at his niece. “I’m taking back my city!”

Final Thoughts

Superman: The Man of Steel is the worst, man. Real awful stuff. Deplorable. I look forward to the next installment.


Click here to ridicule this post!