Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #6 – “National Maul”! We’re at the end of the story, folks. It’s been real. In the previous installment, Deadpool successfully thwarts Reagan’s plan to blow up USA with Russian space missiles, but there’s still the most dangerous president of all on the loose: George Washington. And let me tell you something, he’s ruthless! He’s without Ruth! And he’s smarter than Deadpool by a long shot. Also, he killed Agent Preston! D’oh!
There’s still a handful of presidents to get rid of, right? Right? Franklin Pierce? Andrew Jackson? Wesley Willis?
Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #6 [May, 2013]
Written by: Brian Posehn / Gerry Duggan
“National Maul”
We pick up right where we left off: Michael sobbing between dead Agent Preston and “dead” Deadpool, who obviously isn’t really dead because he can’t die? At all? Not even if you hack him up and send his various body parts to different areas of the galaxy? Do his dismembered limbs grow into new Deadpools? Is like a dang starfish?
Michael revives Deadpool by giving him the old “hey wake up!” on him. Once it has been established that Preston is dead and Deadpool is also dead but he can’t die so he’s back, Michael flails to get themselves into action before they get themselves into traction! “Deadpool, Washington is using black magic that I can’t counteract, or even identify.” It gets better, though, because there’s that whole undead army thing too that we seem to have forgotten completely. That will probably finally come into play.
“It’s a bad situation,” Michael says.
“How bad can it be?” Deadpool replies.
Fighter planes are bombing the Lincoln Memorial while a large, violet, spherical burst of electricity shimmers and quakes on the front steps. “OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” yells a particularly twitchy agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I don’t know his name, so I’m gonna call him Baxter. Michael can sense Washington in the middle of the violet electricity sphere. He obviously made better use of the sorcery tome than Michael ever did, the fat piece of shit.
I look forward to what the actual sexy bathtub scene is going to be.
Deadpool flies over Taft’s tub and drops a couple of explody bombs into it, destroying the tub and sending Taft nude and flying. “Why fight the inevitability of our victory? Why resist the presidents? You even look like us,” Taft says, hurtling toward the ground and ready to crush Deadpool under his massive Taftian bulk. “Swear fealty to us and perhaps General Washington will offer you a place in his army.”
SPALUMP! That’s why Taft sounds like when his jiggly titties hit the ground. A few fat jokes later, and Taft is ready to hit the hapless hero with a giant uprooted tree… then Agent Adsit, Preston’s buddy whom I have not mentioned by name at all whatsoever before now, arrives riding a giant mech contraption with a giant fire gun of sorts attached. Right in Taft’s face with this! Adsit has called the Avengers for backup. In the meantime, Adsit’s gonna shoot presidents in the face for a bit to fend them off while Deadpool breaches the Washington Sphere of Lunacy.
“Give him Hell for Agent Preston. That sphere is getting bigger and bigger. Washington is inside with General Eisenhower and Rutherford B. Hayes. I’ll go after Wilson and Garfield,” Adsit says. Deadpool makes a joke about lasagna and Mondays, then wonders if they’re five presidents short at the moment.
WELL, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and William Henry Harrison all got hit by a bus in New York City! Whoops! Then Ulysses S. Grant and Andrew Johnson got killed in L.A. by police! I mean… uh… “by natural causes”.
Meh, we all look like decaying corpses when we look at ourselves in the mirror, right? Am I right, folks? Hmm? Folks?…
What sucks for Deadpool is that Agent Preston was really the only one who believed in him, so avenging her death is a tall order with a lot of pressure to deal with. “It’s not all my fault,” he thinks. “She’s the fool for believing in the fool…”
Deadpool passes through the violet orb with little problem! “Hey! That wasn’t so bad. In fact, I feel pretty damn– Guuuuuuuh–” then he flops over onto a pile of dead S.H.I.E.L.D. soldiers who also attempted to breach the sphere. “Ha ha! Imbecile,” scoffs Washington. At the guy who can’t die. Let’s pay attention, Washington. It’s never going to be the death of Deadpool.
He must have sorta died, because he sees the light. Ahh, the light. Classic. And there’s a lady at the end of it! Bonus! “Hello, Wade. I’m very grateful for this chance to say hello. Take my hand. Let me help you up.”
If Deadpool had his wits about him right now, he’d be all “hubba hubba” at this woman, but he instead asks if he’s dead. He is! Surprise! But it won’t be for long.
Meanwhile, the zombie presidents are all having a hearty guffaw! This dumb bitch breached the sphere and died like the rest, heh heh heh, URK! WHAT?! WHAT’S THIS NOW?! WHY IS HE GETTING UP?! “I’ve never felt better in my life,” Deadpool croaks as he hoists himself up. “I have to thank you for that, Washington.”
Drastic times call for drastic killing-fellow-presidents measures! Washington saps the, for lack of a better word, “life” out of Eisenhower and Grant. “I’ll need all the power I can muster.”
“Fine by me. It saves the trouble of killing your friends. Now it’s just you and me,” Deadpool says with a rejuvenated sense of confidence, putting up his dukes and whatnot. He throws down a bomb of sorts. It doesn’t do anything, but it was SYMBOLIC, man! “I shall bombard you as I once did Cornwallis,” Washington declares, holding a rapier, electricity spewing out of his various (two) eyeballs. “There is such a fate worse than death. You will have nowhere to go when I kill you once and for all. The only reason you made into the sphere at all is because you’re dead inside. There is nothing for a man like you. Nowhere that you belong.”
Why is George Washington so mean? Is he still salty about that cherry tree gaff from a million years ago? Deadpool launches a grappling hook, which wraps around Washington’s rapier and pulls it toward him. This makes Washington mad, all “dang!” and “blast!”.
Inigo Montoya would be turning over in his grave if he hadn’t prepared to die.
Stab. Deadpool pierces Washington through the tome, which forms a screaming face and yells “NOOOO!” in big red letters! SKREEEBLAM. That’s the sound of a book exploding. No more magic book. It’s just Zombie Washington and Half-Zombie Deadpool fighting it out like men… except Washington was already missing an arm, and Deadpool hacks off his other one. Washington must now fight with stumps.
Nah. Undignified. Washington just scowls and tells him to end it. “I meant with the sword!” he says after Deadpool begins twisting his head. “This is for Agent Preston of S.H.I.E.L.D. She gave her life to defend this country. I may have let her down, but I’ll finish the job!”
Washington gets his head hella torn off. “IT’S OVER!” Deadpool triumphs, holding President Numero Uno’s head in the air.
Then the real Washington speaks up, the one still below under all that zombified possession. He thanks Deadpool for stopping him and his diabolical brethren. He apologizes for all the pain he and they caused. He owes a debt of gratitude. The country owes him too. “Damn straight it owes me – A COUPLE MILLION DOLLARS!” Deadpool screams into Washington’s head. Then he punts it into Lincoln’s crotch at the Lincoln Memorial. “I deserve this,” the head mutters, enjoying its new resting place.
AND IT’S GOOOOOOOD!!
Stephen McStrange pops in really quick to congratulate the Deadest of Pools on a job well done. Then he asks how the ungodly fuck he was able the enter the Sphere of the Dead and/or Dying. When he doesn’t get the answer he wants, he pops back out.
Agent McMustache (Prestons direct commanding officer) shows up to berate Deadpool for being a fuck-up who ended up getting Preston killed and good going. No money for thee!
Feh. Do not come between a Deadpool and his money. “She was attacked on your ship. It’s your fault!” he growls at McGorman O’Mustache. Speaking of mustache, Deadpool grabs him by it and gets in his face. “Do you think it’s good for your long-term health to make me an enemy? Pay me my money.”
When Gorman refuses yet again, Deadpool pulls out a fingerful of tender little mustache hairs! Gorman ain’t backing down, though, and in fact doubles down. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s gonna make his life a living hell! They’re going to cancel his credit cards and fill his pants with itching powder for serious.
The Avengers – America Man, Arrow Guy, Hammer God, Green Man, Metal Guy, and Lady – show up at this moment to congratulate Deadpool! What a win, the kind of win that deserves a payment of millions of dollars! Then Captain America pushes Deadpool out of the way and runs toward the fallen headless president. “I’ll collect your head and re-inter you myself, Mr. President,” he fawns. Cap will collect his head so he can stick his dick in it, more like.
“With this victory, you’ve earned your own cask of mead in Odin’s hall,” Thor slaps Deadpool on the back heartily! “Gladsheimr awaits.”
“I would love to get a drink with you,” Deadpool smiles.
“I did not say I would drink your mead with you. Just that it would be there.”
All these accolades have not deterred Mustachioed Gorman one bit. “You think your freak-show friends will keep me from destroying you?” Gorman hollers, bleeding from the face like a complete failure of a man. The answer is “yes, probably”.
And then fuck until I need to go to the bathroom, and then shit until I’m horny.
Agent Adsit fends off Gorman. Gorman mad, but Gorman gone now. Michael has his turn to speak. It’s about Preston and… “You did what you could,” Deadpool waves him off. “Now please stop talking. My head kills.”
Eek. Michael keeps trying to tell him something important, but he continues to walk away. Deadpool just needs some time to rest. Some peace and quiet. An afternoon of the Game Show Network. A boring plate of spaghetti.
Deadpool slumps over the pool in front of the Washington Monument. “Nobody remind me that this reflecting pool is also an attractive hobo urinal.”
Michael still tries to talk to him, but Deadpool suddenly hears a voice in his head. “How… how did I get here?”
Eek. Is that Preston? The dead lady? Agent Preston? Of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Eek. “Wade?! Oh God, I remember now… I’m dead, aren’t I?”
“PRESTON?!” Deadpool yells, looking around. “You’re worse than dead,” he smiles, looking down into the reflecting pool. “You’re Deadpool.”
Haha, I get it. “I’m gonna kill that fool necromancer,” Preston says. Her face replaces his in the reflection pool. She looks angry.
“I needed somewhere to put her…” Michael stutters. “And there was more than enough room in your head…”
And they all lived happily ever after!
Eek.
Final Thoughts
Good stuff, gang! Definitely going to revisit this series soon, I like the cut of this Deadpool’s jib. Thank you, Brian Posehn. You continue to make me chuckle. Like this: “heh heh”.
Click here to ridicule this post!