The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 40: “The Web Tightens”

We last left Rand toppling over a wall after a girl startles him. He gets up, dusts himself off, and sees two regally dressed young people, a boy and a girl, who are similar in appearance and very attractive. Almost as if they are the children of the beautiful Queen herself! Because they are! The boy is unfortunately named Gawyn. The girl is more fortunately named Elayne. Their absent gazes and vacant speaking styles make it seem like they’re from Mars.

Elayne treats Rand’s wounds while Gawyn is worried that they’ll be in trouble with their mother. These two betray surprise when Rand asks who they are who their mother is, but they take it in stride. They both seem very nice and not at all like that bitch Joffrey Baratheon!

This news makes Rand poop his ugly Two Rivers pants, and Elayne realizes that Rand genuinely didn’t know that he was in the presence of royalty. Gawyn tells Rand that Elayne should marry a man from Two Rivers (more poop in the pants), and then an incredible douchebag named Galad shows up to tell Gawyn and Elayne to step away from the Two Rivers kid as if he were a bomb. Not the bomb, mind you. There’s nothing about Rand that suggests that he is the bomb.

It’s obvious that Elayne has the hots for Rand, so she insists to Galad that he is under her protection and that he should kindly fuck off. He kindly fucks off. Elayne intends to rush Rand out of there before he gets tortured or decapitated or whatever the punishment is for falling into the castle grounds, but armed guards swoop in. The head guard, Tallanvor, is all like “GET OUT OF THE WAY” but Elayne is like “NO, HE IS UNDER MY PROTECTION, DON’T MAKE ME TELL MY MOM ON YOU”. Tallanvor doesn’t back off, and per the Queen’s direct standing orders, he needs to bring the three of them to her. GULP! GUUULP! Off they go to take their licks.

Queen Morgase is flanked by Gareth, her bodyguard, and Elaida, her Aes Sedai. Rand’s original intention was to seek her out when he arrived in Caemlyn, but she’s a bit of a bitch to him and he’s glad he never followed through on his intention.

Elaida comments upon Rand’s heron-hilt sword, which makes the entire room stiffen and lose composure. Surely Rand is too young to possess this mysterious sword that no one yet has explained its true significance! That would be ridiculous! But no, he assures the people in the room that this sword was owned by his Two Rivers shepherd father. It is commented upon that Rand doesn’t have the Two Rivers look to him, to which he explains that his mother was an outlander.

In the end, the room doesn’t believe most of his story, but the Queen lets him slide because, among other things, no one would admit to being from Two Rivers unless they were really from Two Rivers. It must be a complete shithole compared to the rest of the land. He orders him to leave and never come back!

On the way out, Elayne admits to Rand, in way more eloquent words than my own, that she’d love to really ride that dick. Then Rand learns from Gawyn that no one believed his origin from Two Rivers because he’s the spitting image of an Aielman.

You know. Those people everyone seems to be afraid of and/or hate.

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Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #10 “The End”

* Standalone Issue *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “The End”!

This is a standalone, so there’s no point in recapping the previous issue or storyline. I’ll do that next time. There was something about Rick Jones. It’s not important.

Enjoy this isolated issue sandwiched in between syrupy layers of Jessica Jones goodness. Whatever that means. It’s 1:00 in the morning and I have to get up for work in five hours. Clearly I’m delirious.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #10 [August, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The End”

Standalone story, different artwork. Special guest star J. Jonah Jameson! That’s always a sexy time. Jessica Jones is in the office of the Daily Bugle! The receptionist tells her that Jameson will be with her shortly, and no, she doesn’t know why Jamesson called her in.

She looks at the various framed front pages on the wall.

“SPIDER-MAN MENACE?”

“CAPTAIN AMERICA FOUND!”

“KREE-SKRULL WAR ENDS!”

Jameson comes out to the lobby all smokey, looking ravishing as usual! He’s going to get to Jones in a minute, but right now he must loudly berate Betty Brant in front of her. “What the hell is this?” he demands, referring a column where some conservative asshole gunks up the space on his newspaper! None of that anymore, you hear me Betty Brant?!

There’s also a bunch of other things she needs her to do. Now that Jessica Jones is here, a whole slew of people need to get their tight, little asses over here. Some guy named Hendrickson! Some guy named Robbie! Dennis Franz! Jerry Seinfeld! William Hurt! Adolph Hitler! Whatshisface, Ed Begley Jr.! Robert Downey Jr.! Morton Downey Jr.! Give me all the Downey Jrs. you can find!

And Ben Urich.

And does my hair look all right? Please be honest! I need it to be a perfect trapezoid.

“Do you have any employees, Ms. Jones?” Jameson asks Jones.

“No sir.”

“Count yourself a lucky woman.”

Jameson leans over looking like he smells really badly. He looks like he smells like a garbage dump of ashtrays and also garbage. He looks like he smells like garbage. “I have to be honest with you,” he tells the still-confused Jessica Jones. “I haven’t found many people in your line of work that I would say were strong of character.”

Is this a compliment yet? Better hold off, there could be FURTHER BERATEMENT than just the ones thrown at his employees. “I’m sorry?” she responds.

“I’ve worked with some investigators – hired some. Haven’t found one I would let babysit my grandson.”

Robbie Robertson enters the room. I think I know him, sort of. Jameson introduces him as the Editor in Chief. Jameson introduces Jones as someone “who used to dress up as a superhero”. She went by Jewel, you see. She doesn’t do that shit anymore, but she used to do that shit, and that’s kind of hilarious, isn’t it? “Not much to write home about – no offense, Ms. Jones.”

Later she cavorted around town as the “Knightress”, but not many people know about that one. Jameson does though. “Knightress” was just about the only name that wasn’t taken.

“Though I despise your chosen profession, I do admire your going public with your questionable past,” Jameson says rather bluntly, just like he says everything else. About as sharp as a plunger, this one. About his bluntness, of course. Not his intelligence, although that’s up for discussion as well!

Time for Jones to be blunt: what the fuck is this meeting about, anyway? Do you want her to kick Peter Parker’s ass or something? Do you want her to find you pictures of Spider-Man? She’s good at finding pictures of things. “It’s about secret identities of things,” he says. “I thought Robbie would find your background a little interesting considering what I’m about to offer you.”

Jameson splays out a few newspaper clippings about Jessica Jones. Photos of her dressed in tights. Photos of her not dressed in tights. He’s got it all! She didn’t even know she was in the newspaper that many times.

You’re pretty good at being in the newspaper, lady. That’s gonna help us tremendously for, uh, reasons.

Jameson yells for Brant again and asks her to make copies of these clippings for the still-confused Jones to keep. “Make yourself a little scrapbook,” he tells her, and then asks if her fees that are shown on her website are still up to date.

“You want to hire me?” she asks, boggling. Yes, he wants to hire her. He wants to hire her to let a reporter follow her around. Hey look, Ben Urich just showed up! Hey, Ben, did everything come out all right? Heh heh heh! I mean on the toilet, buddy. Did everything come out all right? *nudge* I’m talking about the poop, son. Did you have a good time pushing all that poop out of your butt?

“Jessica is a private investigator,” James tells Urich, who already may know her anyway. “The Daily Bugle is hiring her to find out who Spider-Man really is.”

Brrrt! Hold the phone, dingleberry. That sounds like a public investigator’s job! She’s just here to catch people fucking who shouldn’t be fucking each other! “What we’re hoping for is a series of articles. A real conversation piece to spread over days – but hey! If all it is is a big red headline – then all it is is a big red headline.”

Then Jameson pulls out some material from the Daily Globe, a tabloid rag with headlines like “Osama bin Laden is a Woman!” and “Pulp Hero of Hell’s Kitchen is Blind Lawyer”. Hey, that sounds familiar, doesn’t it?… Osama bin Laden did like high heels, and–

“That Murdock guy pretending he’s a blind shyster? The Globe had that story and they screwed it up,” Jameson continues. “Well, I want to show the world how to crack one of these guys in half.”

Jones is like BUT MATT MURDOCK ISN’T DAREDEVIL, HA HA HA, ARE YOU NUTSO CUCKOO BANANAS? and Urich tells her that Jameson is in denial about that. “I don’t care who that liar sues or what TV show he goes crying to – I know in my gut it’s a fact. Murdock is Daredevil.”

Yeah right, buddy. Take your medicine. Matt Murdock is Jessica Jones’ lawyer and not once has he snapped on that tight, tight spandex while he was in the courtroom.

Anyway, whatever, blah blah blah. Agree to disagree. “I thought that you of all people – someone who crashed and burned so miserably at it – would understand the need to rip that world apart from the inside – to expose those capes for the two-faced, morally corrupt vigilantes that they are!!”

“Uh huh…” is Jones’ only irritated response.

Looking quite dashing, sir, as usual!

“It’s this Spider-Man that should’ve gotten the public spanking,” froths J. Jonah Jerkass Jameson. “It’s Spider-Man that has this coming to him.”

When asked why, Newspaper Hitler merely says “That’s what you’re going to tell me.” So there you go. The Bugle is going to hire Jones to look for Spider-Man and have Urich write about the efforts. “We’ll follow you as you pull the layers, follow the leads, turn over the rocks. How great will this be? Not only will it be killer journalism – but money will actually start shooting out of my ass faster than we can print papers.”

Wow, that sounds nifty, my man! She loves helping guys like you *sniffs the garbage* make a bunch of Ass Money, but she needs some time to think about it.

“Listen, I don’t have time to change your tampons for you. I need an answer.”

“I’m sorry?”

When Jones tries to explain that she wouldn’t even know where to begin, Jameson yells for Brant to fetch him the “Spider-Man map”. “We’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list and a chart of frequent Spider-Man sightings. Places where he is repeatedly seen. See? Empire State University. Queens…”

Ha, yeah. Aunt May and Peter Parker’s house. Mary-Jane Watson’s house. The Osborn house. That school Parker goes to. The Daily Bugle building. We have our finger on it, but we just can’t figure it out!

Jameson promises fame and fortune by successfully pulling this off. So, have you thought about it yet? Remember what he said about the tampons? Are you in or out, kiddo?

“Sure, I’ll do it,” Jones smiles. “But there is the matter of an advance.”

It’s a deal, then! She’s gonna go browse Facebook and see if Spider-Man has been tagged in anyone’s bat mitzvah parties.

TWO MONTHS LATER. Jameson is perusing a piece of paper that is not, in fact, a newspaper! “Ms. Brant, will you tell that useless piece of garbage to get his overpaid butt into my office before I go to his cubicle and light it on fire!”

The useless piece of garbage enters Jameson’s office. His name is Ben Urich and he’s about as useful as a piece of garbage. Jameson yells at the poor sucker about Jessica Jones’ invoices for the last three weeks.

Yo, I’m seein’ double here! Two assholes! Ahhhh ha ha ha hah haaaa!!

Jones has been working at Mercy’s Kitchen, a soup kitchen in Hell’s Kitchen for about three kitchens. Er, weeks. Three weeks. “Said she had it on a good source that one of the regulars at the kitchen is Spider-Man,” Urich explains. “She said–”

So she serves them lunch? She serves these people lunch for hours and hours? And what do you do, Benny? Well, J. Jonah-y, Jamesy, Ben Urich watches and helps! And, uh, buses the tables. And all on the Daily Bugle’s dime! Isn’t that interesting, sir?

“I’m holding a bill for six hundred dollars for tapioca pudding!!” Jameson rages, likely bending that trapezoid head all out of whack. “She’s buying pudding from drunks and trying to get me to pay for it.”

“Well, she did say expenses,” Urich offers helpfully. It’s not very helpful.

“Two hundred dollars an hour, all day every day!! For her to serve pudding to meth addicts–” Jameson continues, obviously preoccupied with his one-track thought.

Here’s Urich’s report so far: they visited about 79 orphanages. They asked around the superhero community for info, and the superhero community said he was an orphan. Bingo bango. Did he mention that Jones has been reading books to the orphans. She’s a nice gal, this one.

“How does reading books to a bunch of unwanted brats help her find out about Spider-Man?” Jameson spits, taking a swig of Jameson and twitching his mustache seductively. And it’s that familiarity breeds trust, dingbat. Don’t you work in a newspaper?

There’s a lot in the report. Jones volunteered in the hospital’s AIDS ward. Soup kitchen. Orphanages. Homeless. AIDS ward. Orphanages. AIDS kitchen. Soup ward. “Damn it, Urich! She’s scamming us!! She’s scamming me!!” J. Jonah J. J. Walker screams. Lots of double exclamation points from this guy. Elaine Benes would NOT approve.

Oh no… my cigar is running out of cigar juice! Start talking faster, Urich!

“Were you ever there when she got one of her little ‘tips’ of hers?” asks Jimmy Jam-Jam ever so pointedly. “Did you ever see any of her so called superhero pals?”

“Uh– no.”

“No?”

“No.”

Benny’s going to get fucking fired. Robbie Robertson is there with his insufferable double name and ready to defend Urich. It’s Jameson’s fault for mocking everything about her to her face. Of course she was going to rob them all blind! Couldn’t you see that from the very beginning, ya dingus? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, IDIOT.

Jonah Jammies gets defensive and, knowing that he’s bound by a contract, tells Urich to write down everything this conniving liar has dragged them all through.

“That she what? Fed the homeless, read to orphans, and cared for AIDS patients?”

Uhhh… yeah. Do that. Heh.

“Wow, you know,” Urich rubs his chin, I imagine, “…I actually didn’t see it – it’s a pretty decent scam.”

“You are the worst investigative reporter on the planet Earth.” Jay Joe wants to get his lawyer on the horn. Robbie tells him to drop it. Last thing he needs is PR about the Daily Bugle suing a woman for reading to orphans.

Jameson knows he’s been defeated at this point. BUT, he has one more thing he needs to do: call this woman up and yell in her earhole. “Ms. Jones, this is J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of the Daily Bugle. I just want you to know that your services are no longer required. I know who you are and I know what you tried to pull. You think you’re all clever? Well, let me tell you something, Missy. You aren’t clever… and I pray – I get down on my hands and knees and I pray for the day that you screw up somewhere because my paper will be so far up your nose that – that – that – arrgghhh! I hate you!”

Another satisfied customer!

Final Thoughts

lol. One of the best issues of a comic book I’ve read so far in my miniscule journey. This is the one to top.

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Five Feet Apart (2019)

Tagline:
When life keeps you apart, fight for every inch.

Wide Release Date:
March 15, 2019

Directed by:
Justin Baldoni
Written by:
Mikki Daughtry, Tobias Iaconis
Produced by:
Cathy Schulman, Justin Baldoni, Christopher H. Warner

Starring:
Haley Lu Richardson
Cole Sprouse
Moisés Arias
Kimberly Hébert Gregory
Parminder Nagra
Claire Forlani

PREGAME THOUGHTS

As you can tell by now, I like to watch movies about females leads with physical or mental issues. What can I say, my white male ass finds it relatable and empathetic. Perhaps I should’ve been born with a vagina. I hear you can get surgery for that now, but I don’t wanna do that for about 900 million reasons. So I’ll just watch these kinds of movies instead and call it good.

Gender is a social construct. Don’t forget that, my cis male friends. Watch your rom coms with pride.

THE 800(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Cystic fibrosis is a genetic condition wherein your organs are prone to failure and your body is prone to infections, which are in turn very hard to fight. Two people with cystic fibrosis should not be closer to each other than six feet, since their immunocompromised bodies contain way more nasty organisms than a healthy individual, and therefore cross-contamination is an even more serious risk. So, certainly, we have a love story that takes place at a hospital where two kids fall in love and can’t touch each other without risking death.

Patient #1 is Stella Grant (Haley Lu Richardson). Her sister, Abby, was an adventurous daredevil who had decided to live twice as hard to help make up for Stella’s inability to do so herself. Abby broke her neck during a stunt gone awry one year ago. Stricken with grief and guilt, Stella spends a lot of her time and energy meticulously scheduling her medications, performing her exercises, eating correctly, and cooperating with all her procedures. Her parents already lost one daughter, she would hate for them to lose the other. She operates a very popular YouTube channel as an awareness campaign of the daily life of a CF teenager.

Five Feet Apart - Stella's Youtube Channel

Check back again after 10pm. Gotta be over 18 years old. I’m gonnna… take the tube off…

Patient #2 is Will Newman (Cole Sprouse, who is either Zack or Cody but you can decide that one for yourself). He’s kind of a jerk and isn’t taking his condition too seriously, and this pisses Stella off. Will contracts a virus that renders him ineligible for a lung transplant, but Stella is totally eligible for a lung transplant because she totally didn’t contract a virus. After finding him annoying for about 15 movie minutes, she gets involved in helping him maintain his regimen. He begrudgingly accepts under the condition that he’ll get to draw her at some point. Like Titanic without the titties. Dealing with Will starts off difficult, but he eventually lightens up. Probably because he’s watching a lot of her YouTube videos and falling in love with her! Surprise! But they can’t come within six feet of one another.

Once Will learns that Abby died last year and Stella will be alone during her feeding tube replacement surgery, he tries to be as present as possible. The wind is taken out of his sails when Barb, a nurse, (Kimberly Hébert Gregory) confronts him about the dangers of CF relationships. Years ago, she allowed some slack on the six-foot rule with a CF couple and they died. She won’t let it happen again on her watch! So shove off, kid from Big Daddy with Adam “I Kind of Suck” Sandler.

They respect the six-foot rule while doing relationship stuff that doesn’t involve kissing or hugging or fucking, which hits hard once in a while as they keep spending so much time together. Taking Barb’s advice to heart, Will decides that he loves Stella too much to risk endangering her further with each other’s company. Stella loses her mind about this. Lots of crying fits. Lots of sadness. EVENTUALLY, though, he can’t stand it anymore and they agree to meet up again. Stella comes with an idea.

Their next date involves a five-foot pool cue. In an act of defiance and taking power over the CF that has taken so much away from them, it is agreed to take back one foot. They both hold ends of the pool cue while moseying around the hospital and its grounds. The most intimate moment of the movie happens at the pool, where they abandon insecurities, strip down to their underwear and reveal each other’s various wounds and surgery scars.

I’ll show you my emaciated body if you show me your emaciated body.

TRAGEDY STRIKES when Stella’s best hospital friend Poe (Moisés Arias) dies of CF complications. Too much death. Too many people that Stella cares about are dying. Stella loses her mind again. Lots of crying fits. Lots of sadness. EVENTUALLY, though, in another act of defiance, she decides to run away from the hospital in the freezing cold and try to visit the city, and all its lights, that she can see from the hospital room two miles away. Will comes along hesitantly.

This is getting long! Sorry! Stella gets calls that her lung transplant is ready, but she ignores them as she continues on. Stella and Will play on a frozen pond, but she falls through the ice and almost dies. Now here’s the emotional climax of the movie: after a minute’s equivocation, he decides to risk their lives and perform CPR. It works.

Luckily, they both get back to the hospital alive. Stella didn’t contract Will’s virus, Will survives, and Stella’s lung transplant is a success. Will’s treatments for his virus do not work, and fearing that any further contact would definitely be a problem, Will says a final goodbye and gifts Stella with a sketchbook of his drawings.

Girl, you need to transfer to a hospital where the doctors don’t breathe fire.

Oh yeah, somewhere in the middle of the movie Stella allows Will to sketch her as agreed upon. I forgot to mention that. I’ll stop writing this now. These keep getting longer and longer.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Cystic Fibrosis

Five Feet Apart taught me what this is! It’s a genetic condition, you’re born with it, you spend your whole life not knowing anything but the disease, you live every day as if you might get an infection and suddenly die, you cough up a lot of mucus, and you can’t come in close contact with anyone who also has it. This is precisely why you don’t fall in love with someone with CF if you also have CF! This is a no-brainer, and these kids fucked up royally.

Topic over.

TOPIC 2 — Yes, This Is a Romantic Drama

Because I’m unabashedly a woman with woman feelings and woman thoughts and woman sensibilities (and none of that actually exists, let’s be clear here), I found this stupid teen movie immensely enjoyable and emotional. A roller coaster of emotion! Ups and downs and ups and lefts and rights and downs and downs and downs and oh god I’m falling.

The snow angel contest has a clear winner.

There’s so much that was done right that it makes up for the immense pile of shit that was done wrong. I found the plot device that the two chronically sick teenagers literally can’t touch each other for VERY realistic reasons that are actually compelling. Like, usually there’s long distance or there’s some dumbass supernatural shit, but this is something real that can, and probably does, actually happen. The way they occasionally make it so crushing and sad was visceral. They can’t touch each other. They’re in the same room having a conversation, falling in love as they spend each day together stuck in the hospital, and they can’t kiss or hug or touch or anything. You can sense the frustration and the fear, choosing to avoid risking it in favor of, you know, keeping them both alive.

And that makes the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation all the more vital. It’s the only time they do the very dangerous saliva contact thing and Stella wasn’t even conscious to know it was happening. And Will took the risk even though he knew it might kill him. That’s love, baby.

TOPIC 3 — COVID-19

I’m surprised I didn’t hear about this movie more after the stupid pandemic harshed everyone’s buzz pretty much exactly a year later. The idea of keeping six feet apart became such an omnipresent part of everyone’s lives that I would’ve thought that a movie that covers this exact theme would’ve been just as discussed as Contagion was.

During the early months of that pandemic, when no one knew how much it could really fuck you up — like melt your eyeballs or turn your penis into jelly — I suppose we all knew what it was like to keep such a distance from the ones we loved. Not me, though. I got to involuntarily lockdown, which is all I ever wanted in my life! Except I had to go into work every day anyway, which blew chunks. Unfortunately, I can’t look through microscopes at home, now can I?

Isn’t it romantic watching all the preemies in the NICU? Really is something special…

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Claire Wineland worked closely with the leads to perfect the roles of cystic fibrosis patients. Claire died of a stroke in September 2018, right after a successful lung transplant.
What’s to know? Cough cough, laugh, cough, fall in love, be sad, be angry, cough cough, be sad.

The balloons Stella uses for Will’s birthday are purple. Purple is the official color of CF patients.
Is this like how AT&T and Capital One are the official sponsors of the NCAA?

Only a year after the movie’s release, the “six foot rule” would become a universal guideline, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and would be commonly referred to as ‘social distancing’.
I don’t think a single person saw this movie after the pandemic started and didn’t think of that immediately. I sure did! Grrrrr, don’t get me started again on that “Dr.” Fauci!

The director Justin Baldoni guest starred in The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody season 3 episode 17 Foiled Again as Diego the fencing instructor. The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody starred Cole Sprouse as Cody Martin.
Oh God, yes, that’s the stuff. There’s nothing that gets me all hot and bothered quite like some Zack and Cody overlap! Right into my veins, as the kids say.

When Stella and Poe are eating donuts in the atrium they are wearing gloves but touching the donuts. The reason you wear gloves is so that the germs from the outside world do not get in your system.
Congratulations, IMDb trivia contributor! I, too, watched the movie.

A toast to being young, fucked up, and in the hospital!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Sure, I think so. If nothing else, both Haley Lu Richardson and Cole Sprouse (ESPECIALLY Richardson) did a phenomenal job with their respective roles. Not once did any of their wide range of emotions feel forced or inadequate, and I didn’t expect that from Mr. Suite Life with Zack and/or Cody. Whichever one he is, I don’t fucking know. I’m an adult.

It does get pretty sappy a couple of times, though. If you think you’re too much of a man to deal with that, then go whittle a stake and stab yourself in the testicles. If you think you’re too smart of a woman to deal with that too, then yeah I don’t blame you. I don’t know where I stand, but I don’t want to harm my testicles.

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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 39: “Weaving of the Web”

The city is alive with the sound of hustling false Dragon lookie-loos. Caemlyn is the place to be, that’s for sure, because rumors of Logain having been captured and hauled off to answer to the Queen permeate the city. Rand wants to get a glimpse of the action, but Mat’s being whiny ever since Rand befriended the Trolloc-y lookin’ Loial guy. So Rand goes “fuck you then” and shoves off on his own.

We learn that Rand made a mistake buying the red fabric with the white rope, because that symbolizes alliance with the Queen. It’s not a very popular stance in Caemlyn, where white fabric / red rope people outnumber the Queen supporters 10:1. Rand doesn’t get fucked with too much, although Master Gill of the inn tells him to keep his guard up while out and about.

Rand moseys through the packed crowd until a beggar (OR IS IT?!?!?!) shrieks, points in Rand’s direction, and starts trying to run after him. Rand high tails it away from the crowd and tries to find safety while he’s simultaneously salty that he might miss out on seeing this handsome, dashing false Dragon! Eventually, he scales a wall that leads him to a rooftop that has a bangin’ view. He gets to check out Logain, in a cage on a wagon surrounded by six Aes Sedai. He looks like he’s not a prisoner at all, hanging his head high and commanding the area. People are silenced when he looks in their direction. He’s very charming.

When Rand asks himself why six Aes Sedai have to guard Logain, a girl’s voice from behind tells him it’s to stop Logain from tapping into the True Source! Since Rand is terrified of girls, this causes him to lose his balance.

He’s probably dead. End of chapter.

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Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #4 – “Force of Will”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Green Lantern: Rebirth limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #4 – “Force of Will”! In the previous installment, we get the whole backstory (and I do mean the WHOLE backstory, jesus christ) on Hal Jordan’s possession by the Parallax, Hal Jordan’s possession by the Spectre (who is trying to eradicate the Parallax), the Guardians’ attempt to contain the Parallax in a power battery hundreds of thousands of billions of thousands of hundreds of years ago, and why all this turned to shit.

Also, Sinestro.

Personally, it’s a whole lot to take in. But the Internet collectively agrees that this IS where a Green Lantern newcomer starts to break into one of this series’ greatest runs, so here I am for the ride. A run so great I’m getting the runs myself just thinking about it!

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #4 [March, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Force of Will”

Ahh, Mr. Mustache Wax Green Arrow and Flat Top Rayner are the stars of today’s installment! What a couple of knuckleheads! I’m tired of Hal Jordan, I hope he stays dead and they just continue with this DYNAMIC DUO!

Sinestro hovers above the three of them: Green Arrow (with yellow arrows stuck in his arm), Hal Jordan (dead in a casket), and Kyle Rayner (Kyle Rayner). Apparently, Sinestro’s involvement makes everything come together here.

Sintestro used to be the greatest Green Lantern the Corps ever had… until Hal Jordan came along and rubbed the ring on his magic penis and became Green Lantern Super Saiyan. Sinestro just so happened to let the power go to his head and fancied himself as the King and Lord of All Shit, so he was stripped of his ring privileges and booted out of the Corps with a comically large boot. And since Hal Jordan helped the Guardians do this, Sinestro has a little beef with Mr. Dead Guy over here. *jabs thumb in Hal Jordan’s direction*

But his beef goes even further than that. He wants to destroy all Green Lanterns. Seems a little silly and vindictive, but hey, I’m not a supervillain! Sounds like a lot of work! I’d rather stay home and eat spaghetti and write about comic books!

Most of Hal Jordan’s enemies are wusses. Sinestro isn’t a wuss. He’s big stinky jerkface.

“…Kyle Rayner… you should have let it burn out,” Sinestro says crisply, his brow furrowed to show about seven-hundred million forehead lines. Thinking quickly, Rayner sets up a green shield and stops a barrage of yellow arrows in its path. SHUNK SHUNK SHUNK SHUNK SHUNK, etc.

Rayner tries to counterattack, but he’s a wuss like Hal Jordan’s enemies and Sinestro shatters his makeshift shield. Now they draw swords of light. You might call them light swords. And these light swords may be saber-like, if you catch muh drift.

Here’s more to add to the Parallax stuff: Hal Jordan “killed” Sinestro, and Sinestro’s “death” was the final straw that broke the camel’s back with respect to Jordan’s “susceptibility” to the “impurity”. Did you “get that”?

Don’t make me stigmata you again, Rayner.

“Green Arrow. The fool’s friend,” sneers Sinestro.

“Sinestro. The egghead ego maniac,” sneers Green Arrow.

Ah, you’ve met already! Good!

Sinestro hates hates HATES the color green! Rarrghh! He fashions a large, bony, yellow claw and grabs Green Arrow with it. “I hear Ollie’s ribs crack like wood on a fire,” Rayner thinks as he watches his fair-weather friend get fucked up by the Big Bad Yellow Energy.

They are both having problems stopping this Vincent Price-looking motherfucker. “I can barely hold it together, Ollie,” Rayner grunts, trying to pull the yellow stake out of his own hand, “Parallax is infecting the rings…”

“Kyle…? Don’t let him get near Hal!” Green Ollie urges. Maybe because Sinestro’s gonna fuck the corpse? Get all up in its guts? Oh baby…

So Sinestro has a “Qwardian” ring. Or, the comic book editor had a mild stroke. The Qwardian ring was tapping into “sentient fear”, meaning the Parallax was “alive and well”. The “impurity” as it were. “Quotation Marks”. Sinestro didn’t know all that until he himself was trapped in the power battery, and he and the Parallax had a nice, friendly chat in the battery prison. Sinestro commands the fear now! Watch! *yellow light* AAAAHHH HA HA HA HAHAAA!! *yellow light* TAKE THAT, PUNY MORTALS! *yellow light*

But, if you’re game, I hear Sinestro’s doing a little hmm hmmm hmmmmm with that sexy corpse of his!

Coast City, the home of coasts and cities and once Hal Jordan, Parallax is taunting Sprectre with claims that he is, and has been, thoroughly unaffected by his influence. “The charades are over,” he says, and then a thunderous BAKOOOM of fiery, yellow light blows the apartment up to smithereens. Smithereens, I say!

And I’m glazing over at the next bits: Hal Jordan’s psyche may be stronger, but it’s all just emotion. It’s all just Parallax Food. Then Kilowog enters for about two seconds to rebut that emotions are more powerful than Parallax could possibly imagine, then Parallax slams Kilowog to the ground. Then Guardian McJones floats into the scene and informs Parallax that Kilowog cannot be influenced by him, and any memories that were stolen from the Guardian are now the Guardian’s again, and soon it will be back in the battery for you!

Parallax doesn’t believe a word of this poppycock! Parallax is EVIL, and without EVIL the Guardians can’t exist! They have no reason to!

And then Guy Gardner and John Stewart FLY IN under the influence of Parallax to help fight the Guardian! “Burn Ganthet and anyone that tells us what to do,” John says with conviction and fire in his eyeballs. Like X-Men’s Cyclops, I guess, but with less whining.

With one wave of his hand, Guardian Ganthet McSmith knocks the Parallax possession right out of the two of them. All like WHAZZIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED OH MY GOD WAS I JUST BEING RUDE THERE FOR A MINUTE? Both of them sweat, and they now realize what happened to Hal Jordan.

He died! lol

The Dashing Duo spot Kilowog on the ground, who tells them to pipe down because he has a head-smashed-into-the-dirt hangover.

Ganthet, Guy, John, and Kilowog now hover in formation. Across from them is Parallax. Four against one. “You have made many an enemy in Sector 2814,” Ganthet warns. And they may just keep coming. They’ll keep coming and everyone is going to fuck you up, good sir.

That’s when a full page spread of all 780 members of the Justice League fly in. Even the ones that can’t fly! They fly in too. Some bat guy who isn’t Batman is spread-eagle, daring Parallax to gaze into his sweaty crotch.

“I’ve never felt this before. Every time Sinestro strikes. My body rots from the inside out. My blood turns to poison,” Rayner soliloquizes as Sinestro frikkin’ tears into this sad-sack. “John tried to explain it to me more than once. What it felt like to have a yellow weakness. A crack in the armor, he said. And Guy swore it was good for the pain threshold. I used to laugh at it…”

“…Yellow. What could that do?”

Shouldn’t have quit barber college, Rayner! Now you got NOTHING to fall back on!

“I’m still…a Green Lantern!” Rayner shrieks as he clocks Sinestro in his red mug. A grunting and groaning Green Arrow Ollie Ollie Oxen Free drags his withered self across the crumbled floor, reaching desperately for the green power source that is there for reasons I don’t remember. He holds his ring up to the source to try to charge it like an iPhone.

“In brightest day, in blackest night… no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who… who… CRAP. How the hell’d the rest of–”

So, instead of finishing the magic chant of green ring power-up points, Ollie punches the power source and it seems to start doing the trick! *bangs jukebox* Ayyyyyy!

Rayner and Sinestro keep doing some hugging among crackling yellow and green light. “Don’t think I can’t hear you, Green Arrow,” Sinestro snarls. “You’re wasting your time.”

“Leave the kid alone,” Green Arrow readies his ring while Rayner, who just got punched out, writes on the ground like a sniveling little wormy worm. But HA! Sinestro can smell it a hundred miles away. Green Arrow’s will is cynical. Skeptical. Such emotions cannot power the greenest of rings! What are you smoking, bozo? Crazy pills?!

Green Arrow is like “YOU did this to Hal!”

Sinestro is like “Go thoroughly fuck yourself. YOU made matters worse by your betrayal.”

Green Arrow is like “Nnrr.”

Sinestro is like “Puny Earthling! Boo hoo, poor Hal Jordan. He has no one left, the loser.”

Green Arrow shakes and shivers and trembles and quivers, says “…yes, he does.”

Then, straining with an unbelievable stupid face, Green Arrow goes “AAAARRRGG” and blasts a concentrated beam of the most gloriously green light you’ve ever seen on this side of the Mississippi. So very splendorous. Get your camera.

The green light becomes a green arrow. A literal green arrow.

Well, that was pretty anticlimactic.

“Is that all you have, Earthman?” Sinestro taunts, revving up another yellow blast from his yellow ring of, I don’t know. Piss. “Is that all your pitiful will can accomplish?”

Then the arrow explodes and Ollie and Rayner get out and maybe Sinestro has been obliterated and broken into 1000 gorey pieces and he’s gone and dead forever?

Using the ring even once to make a measly exploding arrow took a lot out of Ollie. He’s exhausted. It’s like he just had a 10-minute orgasm without the orgasm part. Being a Green Lantern is too much work, man. Too much damn work. You gotta give it your all? I hate giving it my all!

OK, so the Justice League are cavorting around doing flips and cartwheels and trying to defeat Parallax with acrobatics and harsh words. It’s not working. Wonder Woman says as much. Then the Batman agrees.

John Stewart runs toward them, and Batman basically goes “oh god, no, not you again”. Take it easy, Batman! John’s a good guy again! See? *smiles*

So they all look defeated and sad and unhelpful already. Then Guy Gardner shows up and everyone’s wondering where the hell this guy came from alive and well. Doesn’t matter. This guy can’t help either!

All the while, Hal still seems to be unable to separate himself fully from this Parallax guy. I mean, I knew that. I knew that a while ago. If the Justice League are so capable then why don’t any of them know that??

Anyway, here’s a lovely picture:

Hahaha! Don’t even bother, I’m not afraid of y– JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!

“No,” says a voice, stopping Parallax in its giant-mouthed tracks. “I’m not finished… I’m not through…”

Hal Jordan and Spectre are back! From whence, who knows. I certainly don’t know. This comic is confusing. Hal yells for Spectre to fight! Fight back! Fight the thing! Fight fight fight! Rah rah rah!!

The Justice League are motionless. They stare in awe the spectacle. “Parallax… chose the wrong soul to corrupt,” Ganthet says with stoic, frowny confidence.

Hal looks like he’s simultaneously ripping Parallax apart from his own pilot-jacketed body. Just tearing his other self and trying to emerge from the middle. “Spectre…” Hal struggles desperately. “Help me.”

Yuck, I wouldn’t help that guy at all. Spectre does, though. It least it looks like he’s going to, but he probably won’t. He’s not any better than Parallax from what I’ve seen. They’re just two sides of the same butthead coin.

The Justice League gapes at the scene. They really have no idea what to do, do they? Earth’s finest heroes and can’t do jack shit.

“W- We did it. Together,” Hal Jordan pants, ready to smite the big yellow nightmare once and for all. “Now… destroy… destroy Parallax.”

“Do not order me,” the Spectre spits. “I am not your ring. I am the Spectre. And I have interfered enough.”

Hahaha. You’re on your own now, Jordan. Spectre helped exorcize the demon, but that’s all you get in this lifetime. FWASSH. That’s the sound of Spectre flying up into the sky. Serious fuckin’ lol. Bye bye, now.

“Spectre, wait!” Hal Jordan cries to the heavens. I’m dying here rofling so hard, man.

Ugly Yellow Parallax turns to Ganthet and says something to the effect of “What now, Bitch?”

No, Hal, don’t go towards the light! Don’t go towards the light! I love you, Hal! Waaahh!

Parallax plunges into Ganthet and makes him yell and writhe. Hal starts ascending to the skies himself. Apparently, without the Spectre, Jordan is less dense than the air and starts floating upward. This is much to the Justice League’s chagrin. I don’t even know why they’re there.

John Stewart tries to grasp for him, but it’s no use. He starts ascending through some sky tunnel while Ganthet’s got yellow spooge squirting out of every orifice and I keep looking back at the last few pages just WONDERING what the hell is even going on and why. I don’t have answers.

“Follow my light,” Ganthet tells Jordan while throwing a green ball up into the sky. Air Jordan grabs it. I think. I can’t believe what I’m reading, to be honest with you.

Then some stuff happens that means even less to me than the previous stuff that happened that meant nothing to me. Hal Jordan floats in front of a space nebula, certainly, and images of faces appear before him. A pterodactyl face, a woman, and a man named Abin who says this shit: “YOU TOOK CONTROL OF SECTOR 2814 AFTER MY DEATH. THE RING CHOSE YOU FOR A PURPOSE. YOU WILL OVERCOME GREAT FEAR.”

Then Hal sees the floating visage of his dead-eyed-stare dad. He tells Hal that he’s wearing his jacket correctly.

Then I guess the big green ball of light does its thing and Hal slingshots back to Earth.

I completely forgot about Sinestro! He’s still totally buttfucking Green Arrow and Kyle Rayner with ease and proficiency. “Beg,” Sinestro demands, standing tall and intimidating even though he only weighs 110 pounds, “Beg for your lives and I will end them quickly.”

The green ring slowly floats off of Green Arrow’s finger and starts hovering somewhere on the other side of the room. It floats past Sinestro’s “BUHHH” face. It floats over to Hal Jordan’s dead-ass corpse.

“I wake up from a dream. And I call to it. It comes as it always did. My weapon. My power ring. My thoughts and emotions shift. My body aches. My soul does not. I’m finally thinking clearly. I’m finally thinking like me. No more fear. But plenty of damn will. Will to stand up. Will to fight. And will to live.”

The ring, obviously, lodges itself onto Hal Jordan’s dead, fat finger. The green light that glows is the greenest of green lights. The light is so bright and green that Sinestro shields his eyes and goes “BUHHH”.

“Sinestro,” booms the very much alive Hal Jordan, donned in his magnificent Green Lantern suit with the fake abs. “Get the hell away from them.”

Final Thoughts

FINALLY. Enough beating around the bush. Hal Jordan is alive, no more Parallax and Spectre dumbassery. Let’s get to Green Lanterning and flashing lights in bad guys’ eyeballs!

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