Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “B Level (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 4 of the B Level storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “B Level (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Jessica spends the better part of the issue trying to get Rick Jones to cough up information about anything, and it turns out that he’s pretty paranoid about getting sniped by some alien. He has had a bounty on his head since the end of the Kree-Skrull War and he’s not about to let some guy like E.T. blow his brains out! Unless he actually wants him to blow his brains out sexually, which might actually be fun?

Finally, Rick agrees to let the Avengers help, but he runs away again while Jessica is on the phone trying to get ahold of someone at the Mansion. This is the end of the arc, which honestly kind of sucks, but let’s see how they wrap this up in a neat little poop-filled package.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [July, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“B Level (Part 4)”

Jessica is on the street, phone to her ear. Looking around the crowds, she manages to get through to the “Avengers Mansion emergency hotline”. That sounds like something they’d stick Peter Parker with. Hey, kid, sit at the desk and take these calls while the real superheroes go fight various crimes. Do not, under any circumstances, jerk off while we’re gone. There are cameras everywhere, we keep telling you that.

But no, this is an automated recording prompting Jessica to leave a voicemail. Jessica ums and uhs and uhms her way through the message, explaining that she tried reaching Danvers with little success, that she was hired by Rick Jones’ wife to find him, that there’s a bounty on Rick’s head by the Skrulls, that she lost him in the crowd after he flipped the fuck out for the fifth time that evening, so please put aside differences or whatever and help out. Thank you.

Her next call is to Jane Jones. Jessica ums and uhs and uhms her way through the message and tells her to call her back.

Next, she checks her email. Hmm…spam, porn, spam, porn, spam, oooooh, some good porn! *click* *virus* *restart* *revert to last restore point* *check email* aha, remember that married, but gay, guy Jessica was catfishing back in Issue #6? Because I didn’t! She got an email from him!

Because it’s that VERY SAME GOVERNMENT which… oh, never mind.

“No more games. It’s time to meet, dying to meet you. Lets [sic] be adventurous. Meet me at the Starbucks at 43rd and Lexington. I’ll be wearing a blue sweater with…”

We don’t see the rest of the email, but I think the rest of the sentence is “…’I’M GAY’ written in bright yellow letters.”

Finally, something went right for a change. Jessica’s gonna catch this guy, collect a paycheck, and buy a lot of Bagel Bites. “Ooooh, at a Starbucks,” she thinks. “How incredibly uninteresting on every level.” Whatever, lady, you like it.

Exhausted from being up all night chasing Rick the Dick, and finished with her various correspondences, she falls asleep on her laptop.

The sound of someone talking on her phone slowly rousts her awake. “Yo man, I heard you. And then I asked: in what regards is this phone call about? As in: why are you calling, mutha fucka?!”

This is the dumbass from Issue #6 that popped into her office just because he was a fan. He asks the guy on the phone “what the fuck kind of name is Jarvis” before Jessica gets up, snatches the phone, and tells the pissant to get the hell out of her office.

It’s Jarvis at the Avengers Mansion returning her call! I don’t know no Jarvis, but he looks like he performs various sexual favors for the Avengers teams (judging from his bow-tie). Jarvis is calling on behalf of Captain America, who stuck Jarvis with the call because he’s too busy humping his shield.

Heh, sir, you’ve got my guy confused with Rick Springfield. One’s a superhero, see, and the other is some dumbshit I lost last night.

Jarvis confirms that Rick Jones is in Los Angeles, which confuses Jessica to NO END. “We are aware of a man – a young man who fancies the idea of calling himself Rick Jones. We’re not sure if he’s ill or just a mischievous young man – but we have run into him before.”

Yeah right, buddy. Who are we going to believe? “Rick Jones” and his shifty, bipolar behavior and his insistence that his wife is insane, or Jarvis, some credible guy calling from the Avengers Mansion claiming that this “Rick Jones” may not be who he says he is? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Go thoroughly fuck youself, Jarvis.

This guy cooked up a whole story based on the real Rick Jones’ book, the one that the real Jessica Jones has been really reading in the last couple of days. The real Rick Jones is fine. The imposter Rick Jones may not be fine, but who gives a shit? “Captain America wanted to tell you not to worry about this and he sends you his best regards.”

Uh huh. Uh huh. Ok, now what? Now what, Jarvis? HUH?

The kid is still there.

“Shitty news?” he asks.

“Are you still here?”

“Sorry I didn’t answer the phone right.”

“Please go.”

“What happened?”

Do you kiss your church with that mouth?

“Why are you up my ass, kid?” Jessica asks, glaring.

“Someone fucked you over?”

“Yes.”

“You gonna kick their ass?”

“Thinking about it, yes.”

“Can I have a job?”

Jessica buries her face in her hands. The last she needs is… well, hold on.

“What’s your name again?”

“Malcolm.”

“Malcolm, can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Can you fuck off?”

Heh.

Later, Jessica catches Rick Imposter-Jones playing in the park. He’s supposed to be taking requests but he’s really, really bad at it. And guess who’s cuddled up next to him on the bench? Why, it’s none other than…

GEORGE COSTANZA! *slap bass*

Or, rather, Jane Jones. “AAAAGGGHHHH!” Jane screams after spotting the approaching Jessica Not-Imposter-Jones. She runs toward her… and… AND…

She hugs her. “Jessica! Jessica! You found him! You’re so awesome!”

Rick looks over sheepishly. Jane continues being effusively grateful. Jessica appears salty while both of them thank her for all her efforts. “And you were a huge help,” Rick tells her. “Was I?” she responds. “Yes you were, and now I have my Janey back,” he responds back. “Yay!” says Jane.

…

Jessica lets the silence hang for a minute.

“How did it work out? The trouble you were in?”

*record scratch*

Rick’s not about to talk about it now! He smiles smugly. Jane is happy. Everyone wins!

Fine, whatever. It’s Starbucks time, bitches. She sits with a cup of coffee and awaits her mark. A man walks into the shop talking on the phone with his secretary. He sits down next to Jessica, somewhat exasperated, after finishing the phone call. He is DEFINITELY not wearing a blue fucking sweater.

“What kind of doctor are you?” she asks him.

“Psychotherapist.”

Oh, excellent! Jessica Jones could use three or four of those.

Don’t even ask me to pass you a napkin without making an appointment. I’m a very busy man.

She tells this man that she met a guy who is pretending to be someone who he is not – allegedly. Even though his story is full of holes and he seems shifty and untrustworthy, everyone – everyone, including her – keeps getting suckered in. What’s that about? Where’s all that charm coming from? …and how can I get some of that? This is Tom speaking now. I want some of that charm. Oh wait, I got it in spades baby. *puts on sunglasses*

Mr. Psychotherapist has an expert diagnosis for this: pseudologia fantastica. Actually, he says “pseudologica” which proves already that he’s shit at his job, so anything he says now should NOT be listened to! Anyway, listen up: people start with small lies, they seem to work, they work their way up to grandiose lies, and those seem to work too. Eventually, when the lie is so big that no one could possibly believe them, the part of their brain that should be attuned to this isn’t functioning properly. So the lies get even bigger, and they eventually get SO big that people come back around and start to believe all over again.

“See, that’s what I – I –” Jessica is at a loss for words here. “…I mean, why do they believe them?”

“Because they want to,” he responds, sipping his sludgy $9 coffee. “People are desperate for excitement. They want to know famous people … So badly do they not want to be ordinary.”

“The peasants want the kings to come down and play.”

This particular phrase sits well with Jessica. This psychotherapist has a couple of examples at the ready: some guy in Manhattan who told people he was Victor Von Doom’s kid just to crash parties. A 27-year-old Iranian guy enrolled in a high school and told everyone he was Steven Spielberg’s 14-year-old nephew. Crazy stuff. Real cuckoo bonkers. And they roam around like everyday people. Nuts. Looney toons.

This guy didn’t have to open up to her. But he did. He helped her, now she returns the favor.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, lady! My wife is both Jodie Foster AND Uncle Jesse from Full House and I have a rocket car that takes me to Mars on weekends.

The dude does his little “oh shit” and gets out of dodge.

“They believe because they want to believe,” she says to herself. “Pssss….”

I believe she meant “pffft”. That other sound sounds like a bathroom noise!

She continues to sit nursing her coffee, thinking about the previous night with Rick Jones. A scene we didn’t see. About an hour before the Fantastic Four’s building opened up to the public, they sat talking in a diner.

“So, kind of a crazy night, huh?” Jessica breaks some of that thick, thick ice.

She tells him she read his book. All of it. It really got to her, you know. Lots of stuff resonated with her and all that jazz. She goes into some specifics about the insecurities detailed in the pages, the kind we’ve already seen before, and Rick keeps looking at her like a deer in the headlights.

“Like my body would freak out and say: ‘Don’t be here. This isn’t where regular people should be’,” she says, discussing the feeling of people around the real heroes.

“But you have powers? Right?” he hazards the question.

“I know. I know. I can’t explain it. It’s just – let’s just say it’s one of the many, many reasons that I know that I shouldn’t have been wearing the costume.”

I mean, it’s cool that she finally met someone who felt the same way! Kindred spirits! Besties! He tries to deflect and change the subject, of course, and excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

And she smiles. She sits and smiles.

And she feels like a fool.

“‘The peasants want the kings to come down and play.’ Fuck.”

Final Thoughts

How do we know for sure that this Rick Jones really isn’t the REAL Rick Jones? Never mind the fact that he was workin’ it to get laid and he seemed very shifty and he never seemed to know what Jessica was talking about… but I don’t trust that Jarvis guy as much as I can throw his bow-tie to the moon. And I can’t do that!

Nice story arc, I suppose. I’ll see you again soon Jessica “Rick” Jones.

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Write Your Damn Book

Jesus, Snoopy. You make it look so easy.

I’m trying to write a book. In reality, it’s more like I’m trying to continue liking the idea of writing a book. Sorry, my book. I’m trying to write my book. I’m trying to continue liking the idea of writing my book.

This was the best idea I’ve ever had. It’s clearly going to be a New York Times Best Seller and I’m going to get rich and famous touring the country visiting thousands of bookstores that don’t exist and signing autographs for thousands of people who also don’t exist. The more I think about it, the more I realistically believe that it could have widespread appeal. I believe people would actually talk about it with each other, recommend it to their family and friends, buy copies for Christmas and/or Passover and/or Talk Like a Pirate Day celebrations, and place expensive hardbound editions on their pristine expensive coffee tables! …I just have to write the damn thing.

Without giving too much away, because all you Tom Writes About Stuff readers are clamoring to steal my generously so-called “intellectual property” from right under my perfect, handsome nose, the story’s narrative is interwoven in point-of-view chapters about fifty different people. The plot revolves around the main character: a dead guy. The story is nonlinear, with pieces of the overall plot revealing themselves at different points of the story’s 24-hour timeline. Threads of plot will come from characters’ own thoughts, casual conversations, overheard discussions between other characters, and events that may unfold from more than one perspective. Have you ever read a non-fantasy book with fifty characters? What the fuck am I even thinking? Who is going to read this?

Everyone. Because it’s going to be amazing. I just have to write the damn thing.

My character family tree doesn’t look quite like this, but you get the gist.

I spent days upon days crafting a sort of family tree, linking characters and their relationships to one another and their relationships to the dead guy. I named all the characters. I gave them ages and interests. Some are sad that the guy is dead. Some are angry. Some don’t give a shit whatsoever. Some are even relieved! Only one person was there while he died. What does he know? What doesn’t he know? What do I know about what he knows? I know some stuff, I know his feelings about the situation, and I know why he feels the way he feels.

It’s all very entertaining, realistically paced, and not corny. It’s going to be fun to piece it all together. I just have to write the damn thing.

I have all the locations picked out. I’m currently working on a chart that shows me where each of the fifty characters are during the 24-hour period. Some will spend most of that day at home. Most will not. Almost all of them will be sleeping at 2am, but a few characters certainly will not be. Why would they? It doesn’t make sense for them to be sound asleep at that hour. Next I’ll need to track who talks to who and when. I need to make sure there are no continuity errors. I need to make sure someone isn’t in two places at once. I need to make sure a character is around at the right place at the right time to overhear a conversation between two other characters. I need to make sure those characters aren’t supposed to be somewhere else at that moment.

That part will the most fun for me. I can’t put a big dent into the story until I have that all hashed out, oh no no no. That would be inconceivable! Then, and only then, can I really begin to write the damn thing.

Pictured: The little brat featured in Chapter 1.

I’ve already written Chapter 1. It’s about 700 words. The little 3-year-old girl is running around the room, oblivious to the deeper meaning of her uncle’s death. She doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s just another day for her. She’s looking for mommy, she has all the Goldfish crackers. Daddy tries to tell her that her uncle is dead, but she’s looking forward to seeing him at Christmas. It’s all very bittersweet. This is how the audience will learn that the main character is dead, from the point of view of a toddler. It’s genius. I can’t wait to write the other 49 chapters! Some day.

I bought a Scrivener license. It’s this kick-ass writing software that acts as an interactive binder. You can set up plot notes, character sheets, folders for chapter sections, and other 500 excellent organizational features. It’s the only way I could fathom keeping track of 50 different perspectives. It has been an absolute joy to use this thing, not even exaggerating. They’re not paying me a cent to say any of this stuff, it’s all coming from the bottom of my withered gray heart.

Of course, I found it exceptionally useful for sorting artists and albums for writing notes and reviews for my Discography Deep Dive blog feature. In fact, I’m spending more time working on that than my book, but I’ll get back to writing my book. Why wouldn’t I get back to writing the damn thing?

Now that I think harder about it, I’m spending an awful lot of time reading comic books, watching TV, watching movies, reading novels, playing video games, and listening to music so that I can focus a lot of my time writing blog content. I love writing in this blog, and it will likely be my #1 writing priority. Certainly, though, once I have more time outside of writing all about all my blog-related interests, I’ll carve enormous chunks out of my damn book. I promise.

Maybe I shouldn’t have written about writing my damn book. Instead of spending 1,000 words writing about the book, I could’ve actually written a little of the damn thing itself.

Next time.

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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 37: “The Long Chase”

This Nynaeve chapter is rather short, as Nynaeve chapters tend to be. Not much happens at all except that hits a couple of beats that had occurred over the last batch of chapters: Moiraine’s usual stoicism is threatened when she realizes the only one with the coin (Perrin) had lost it only to regain it later that evening.

Nynaeve spends half the chapter annoyed that Moiraine and Lan do their own scouting ahead of her while she hangs back like some sort of curmudgeonly third wheel. Moiraine eventually discovers a camp of Whitecloaks holding the one with the coin (Perrin) prisoner. They don’t know yet that Egwene is with them since she holds no tracking coin of her own. The caveat here is that the Whitecloak camp has about two hundred of them just kind of hanging around. Obviously, that’s not good.

Lan trusts Nynaeve to sneak down near the camp and cut the ropes holding their horses. Moiraine will create a distraction, the horses will start running in all directions, Lan will swoop in and get the prisoner (Perrin). Nynaeve gets all chuffed up that Lan is allowing to be a major part of their ploy!

She successfully sneaks near the horses and recognizes Bela, Egwene’s horse, tied up with the rest, signifying Egwene’s presence in the camp as well! Good news, everyone! She decides to steal Bela, and then a second horse, when suddenly lightning strikes the ground near the camp and scares the absolute fucking bejeezus out of the rest of the horses.

She gets the horses calm again, but then Elyas’ wolves start attacking the horses. Nynaeve is able to take her two horses safely and rides away with the camp.

This is the part where Nynaeve breaks off from her group! Time to start kicking some ass alone-style, that would be the sweet, sweet medicine I need.

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Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 – “Yellow”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Green Lantern: Rebirth limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 – “Yellow”! In the previous installment, the Justice League gets involved with Hal Jordan’s Spectre possession and whatever the hell is going on with Guy Gardner. John Stewart gets pissed at Batman for the final time and decides to pick a fantastic time to be possessed by the Spectre for three minutes. He starts blasting at everyone, but then the Spectre whisks Hal Jordan away to somewhere. Wherever. Who cares.

Long story short, the soul of Hal is possessed by the Spectre, but his body is now under the jurisdiction of the Guardians of the Universe. What that entails yet, I don’t know. Whatever. Who cares.

This is fun so far! Lot’s of green ink in the pages. Let’s keep this train rolling.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 [February, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Yellow”

UNHOLY TRINITY! A grimacing Hal Jordan! A smiling guy with Paulie Walnuts hair! Mr. Hooded Lantern! They’re all here! Oh boy!

Back at Highway Mill, New Mexico, where we keep returning to because Kyle Rayner has his legs mangled and can’t walk or whatever, we start to learn more about that Guardian who stole Hal Jordan’s sexy corpse. His name is Ganthet, and he is the last of the Guardians of the Universe. Which means he’s not doing much procreation anymore these days.

“He’s been the only one watching over the legacy of the Green Lantern Corps since he gave me the ring. He’s old. Like beginning-of-time Big-Bang-theory old.” Like, Sheldon wearing a Green Lantern shirt! That’s what we’re talking about here! I’m on the same page here.

He’s so old (“HOW OLD IS HE?!?!”)… he’s so old that he could crack the planet in half with a thought! … … oh, ok, well that connection doesn’t make too much sense, but the point of it remains the same. Ganthet is a tough cookie.

Ganthet tells Kilowog, again, to lower his dang ring before he starts cracking planets in half as if they were tough cookies. And Kilowog refuses.

Mi casa es su casa, homie.

“I’ve never seen him angry before,” Rayner thinks as he watches this calm, cool, and collected Smurf try to get what he wants. “I’ve never seen the Guardian emote much of any emotion. Until I came back from Sector 3599 and I confronted him about the Parallax.”

Here’s the part where we see some emotion, because Ganthet is mad, you see. The air gets hot, the wind completely stops, the silence is deafening. And Kilowog doesn’t care, he’s going to try to attack this Guardian like a complete dullard. This won’t turn out well for him, I can tell already! I’m pretty perceptive!

Kilowog attempts to blast a giant beam of green Kool-Aid out of his fist toward Stoic Ganthet Jones. Ganthet doesn’t move, but the pupils in his eyeballs disappear as he readies himself. A hurricane of, uh, green Kool-Aid, swirls around him and before he unleashes an extremely powerful burst of energy toward Kilowog. It catches him off guard! But he’s still in the fight. They continue trying to blow each other up for a bit.

Rnn indeed, my good man. Rnn indeed. Solidarity and whatnot.

Kyle gets caught up in the crossfire and has no choice but to try and use the ring. Shrapnel flying everywhere! Up down left right and inside his butt.

“An electrical charge shoots through my arm and into my heart,” he thinks as he makes a bunch of “ow” faces. There’s also a “rnn” in there for pain. “It’s reaching into my soul again. I fight it off. But it communicates visions to me. Trying to chip away at my will.”

This Green Lantern stuff sounds pretty strong! Maybe no one should wield the power. Maybe they all throw their rings into Mt. Doom and forget all this unpleasantness ever happened in any of their lives.

He sees visions of Guy Gardner: Hal Jordan’s understudy. “A man capable of overcoming fear.”

He sees visions of John Stewart: uh… an architect from Detroit. Guy Gardner’s understudy. The visions involve Stewart fucking up the rest of the Justice League pretty handily.

Rayner yells for the ring to stop showing him all these silly visions. These two are now gone. Guy Gardner and John Stewart have been compromised. “Damn it, Jordan,” Rayner grits his teeth, “you better be worth this!”

Pffft. That jerkoff? He’s not worth his dad’s stupid jacket that he inherited after that plane that also, if I’m not mistaken, killed a cow. That poor cow.

Outside the ruins of Coast City, where the Spectre decides to transport Hal Jordan, Hal Jordan hollers about why the Spectre decided to transport him (Hal Jordan) outside the ruins of Coast City. While wandering the eerie, empty, and intact streets, he approaches his old apartment building all “WUZZA WUZZA WAAHHH?” about it. Memories flood his puny brain of his good ol’ time spent bringing girls home to bang while the landlady complains. Ha, those were certainly the days, were they not?

It’s called the G-Spot Tornado, Mrs. Broome. Come over here and I’ll show ya.

Jordan slowly creeps up the vacant building’s staircase and approaches his unit. He creeeaks open the door to find this old apartment bathed in vibrant green light. A lantern, the source, sits on the floor.

“Who did all of this?” Jordan asks, picking up the lantern. “Who brought it all back?”

“YOU DID, JORDAN,” answers a creepy-crawly face on the side of the lantern. Eek! It’s a reflection! Eeek! It’s Hal Jordan! Eeeeek! It’s some Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde situation! Eeek eek eeeek! EEK EEK EEEEK.

“WE DID.”

Eek

Back in CIDER MILL SALT FARM TORTILLA BADLANDS NEW MEXICO or whatever the fuck, Rayner helps Ganthet make Kilowog eat the curb. Rayner is relieved to learn that the two kids who helped him have been safely removed from the situation (maimed and killed and stuffed into seven garbage bags). “Hal Jordan’s body seems to be unharmed,” explains Ganthet, which is probably not true since the last Guardian of the Universe has needs too, you know. “The residual energy he held as Parallax preserved it as I believed it might.”

Well that’s good to know! Hal Jordan’s body pickled by the Parallax. That’s pretty convenient. But this is all information that Rayner needs to tell the members of the Justice League! If Batman doesn’t get to know everything about everything, he gets quite angry and he’ll stomp off to his Batcave again. And he won’t take a shower for several weeks.

Then there’s some stuff about Ganthet needing Rayner to keep the ring and Rayner doesn’t want it. But he can’t – shouldn’t – give it up because evil possessive powers of the ring can’t sneak up on those who know fear? Even though it’s already gotten Kilowog, Guy Garnder, and John Stewart, so they must have fear? But Rayner doesn’t? Am I understanding that correctly? And Ganthet needs Rayner to keep it and use it and go be Green Lantern? To save Hal Jordan? And the universe too? But mostly Hal Jordan? Is that right? Hello?

Also, hope is useless. Don’t bank on hope to help you during your Green Lantern endeavors. Only willpower will work. Hope will not. No hope. No hope, jobs, or cash. Understand, son? Hello?

All along the Watchtower, HQ of the Justice League and their smelly, unwashed costumes, the place is a complete disheveled mess. It looks like someone floated up in the air and tried killing the Justice League here! Rude! No one’s left. Not a soul. Where is everyone? Hello?

Oh, ok, I see now. The pointless members of the Justice League are still around. That’s cool and good, I suppose. Bleh.

Mutant Martian Monster Magnet and Mr. Fake Fantastic and Dr. Late Night are still hanging around, so there’s that at least.

*crickets*

Also, there’s a power ring still floating around these parts. Rayner can feel that shit coursing through the veins in his flaccid little pud. AHA! Green Arrow is here too! Thank, uhm, Jesus Christ and also Aristotle and Socrates and Julius Caesar and Kiefer Sutherland. Has anyone really stopped and thought about that guy’s name, by the way? Kiefer.

I suppose Rayner and Green Arrow have a history, because Rayner has about 1000 people on his list he would rather be hanging out with right now. Elon Musk, Donald Trump, Jr., all those cops who keep killing people. All above Green Arrow.

Rayner had been teleported here, I think. Also here is Hal Jordan in his casket. It’s a real party.

Speaking of Hal Jordan in his casket, we go back to Hal Jordan out of his casket in his fake apartment in his fake coastal town to start screamin’ at the Parallax. Just a bunch of a HUB UB BUBUBLBUB at this guy with the silver wingtips in his hair from the cover.

“Parallax. You’re NOT me. Not anymore,” Jordan blubbers.
“Correct,” Parallax McSilver Fox agrees all smiley-like, “I am part of you, Jordan.”
“ARRR!” Jordan answers.

A solid interaction thus far! The room swirls with more of that tasty green light, sending DC Comics in a tizzy to get more ink for the printers. Holy Jesus.

Guys, come on. This gangbang isn’t as fun anymore as it was at the beginning.

Parallax promises to fulfill Jordan’s greatest desires. His life back. Everything he ever wanted. CAROL FERRIS, Hal. You can have Carol Ferris’ bleached butthole! Just say the word.

A new guy pops in. “VENGEANCE! WE MUST DELIVER… Nnngg.”

Aha, Mr. Nnngg is the third guy on the cover. The Spectre. I see now! Finally, I can put a name to the face of each of the multiple personalities! That’s fun!

Spectre wants the spirit of vengeance. It can’t fail.
Parallax wants Spectre to shut the fuck up.

So they fight each other with Hal Jordan screaming like a dork in the middle. Spectre appears to win out and allow Jordan to “see the truth about Parallax” and the “truth about himself”. And nothing but the truth. So help him god.

While that may be quite exciting, we needs must get back to the Rayner / Green Arrow conversation. Rayner is laying down some 4-1-1 about what powers these rings. It ain’t just light flowing through, you idiot. The central battery collects willpower from everything in the universe and converts it energy. Ya ding dong. “There’s an emotional electromagnetic spectrum out there that can be harnessed and used. Green willpower is the most pure…”

Oh fuck me. Is Geoff Johns the comic book writer really going to start talking about electromagnetic spectrums right now?

So Green Arrow asks what this has to do with Jordan, which is a very good question. I hope it gets answered while I play some more Xbox!

…

And we’re back! … Oh, not answered yet? OK, I’ll stick around for this explanation. Kyle Rayner feels like he didn’t belong here on Earth anymore after everything that’s been happening, so he fucked back off to space. And on the edge of the universe, he found what he aptly describes as “something”.

“On the tenth planet from the sun Pagalus.”

HOLD THE PHONE. ARE WE REALLY GOING TO START TALKING ABOUT ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUMS AND THE TENTH PLANET FROM PAGALUS? I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW.

When Rayner was on the tenth planet from buttfuck Pagalus, the people there were scared of his spooOoOOooOOOooky ring. An elder, some senile bastard of the community, told tales of Parallax single-handedly ending the universe. A creature was born at the very beginning of sentience.

It was yellow.

The art department had barrels of unused yellow ink lying around and made some demands.

It terrorized and destroyed and ruined and maimed and annoyed and tormented and conquered! And all that fear just fed the creature, causing it to grow stronger! And more fearful! The cycle continues and so forth. Anyway, the Parallax. It’s yellow, man. Like Mr. Burns.

GREEN ARROW THINKS THIS IS POPPYCOCK! Rayner continues…

So Parallax sought to end the universe with his fear-mongering. Tasty, tasty fear. Now HERE COME THE GUARDIANS to save the day. They started collecting green willpower and building a battery while Parallax collected yellow fear. “The opposite energies couldn’t destroy one another…”

…but they were able to contain Parallax – imprison him – and send him into an unconscious state that the Guardians believed was permanent. Over time, the legend of the scary yellow Parallax died down and became largely forgotten… but the rings still reacted poorly to the color yellow. Weakened them. Rendered them no more useful than decoder rings! And those are pretty useful during decoding situations!

“And only someone capable of overcoming great fear could master the power ring.”

“For billions of years, Parallax was basically dead. And the Green Lantern Corps thrived.”

*doorbell rings to deliver my pizza, which didn’t take nearly as long as this story*

THIS “JUST FOR MEN” TOUCH OF GRAY IS WORKING WONDERS!

One day, for no reason whatsoever, Parallax woke up and now things are bad again! He was weak, but MAN was he hungry. And he sought a nice host. A nice strong host with strong manly Green Lantern manly manliness. And, for some reason, based on this criteria, somehow, he settled on Hal Jordan. His aim was to make Jordan weak. To make him afraid. To make him…deliciously horny…

So the hair turned white from stress and fear. Hal was like “big whoop”. Then Mongul came around and helped destroy Coast City, killing everyone Hal knew and loved. Hal was like “big whoop”. But, on the inside, Hal was like, this really is a big whoop :[

Blah blah blah. It all warped Hal Jordan’s sense of right and wrong and now he’s a shell of a man and he’s a scared little boy and my pizza is getting cold.

When Hal Jordan tried to recreate the destroyed Coast City, the Guardians were like “Bad Boy” and threatened to take away his Green Lantern privileges. And scared little fight-or-flight Jordan decided to fight instead of flight! The Guardians didn’t like this very much, as you could imagine. And the rest is history.

He kept fighting back against the Corps and against the Guardians. And then desperate times called for desperate measures! They freed Sinestro from his “power battery prison”, which I think is code for “his Gameboy Pocket”. Still a stupid fucking idea, but hey, the Guardians know best. Plus, Sinestro is all mean and red looking, so he could fear the fear out of Jordan in a real jiffy.

There’s a panel of the two of them screaming at each other while mildly nuzzling each other with their ring powers.

Sinestro couldn’t stop him! Jordan broke Sinestro’s scrawny neck! lmao and lol! Then he destroyed the green central battery, which not only gave Jordan all the power in the Green Universe of Greenness, but also freed Parallax once and for all! And the rest is history.

Isn’t this story exciting?! I’m excited!

And then the big yellow bug infiltrated Air Jordan, and the rest is history.

And the rest is history!

“Even when Jordan relit the sun, and sacrificed his life to save Earth – it was just a momentary glimpse of the real man shining through.” Yeah, it really sucks that the great, beloved Hal Jordan was taken over by something so sinister. It’s a real… *yawn* …it’s really a shame, isn’t it?

Rayner had always wondered why his ring was never affected by yellow, but it all makes sense! (?)

It’s because the Parallax is free. I guess it’s a big deal, huh? He never really thought it was anything important, just something nagging at him from time to time. Like an OVERBEARING WIFE! Right fellas?

And Hal? He would’ve stopped himself if he even knew himself was not himself! Oh the irony. Or something similar to irony.

“I did not allow your soul to be drawn to me without reason,” the Spectre explains. “I hoped by binding to your infected being, that I would have the ability to burn out this Parallax like a disease.”

Tough tittles, Spectre! Even the Parallax is stronger than your weak, shitty powers! He is here to stay like a bad habit. The Hal Jordan everyone knew is dead! Say hello to Parallax Jones! A HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!

Cute.

Fun story, Kyle. Green Arrow is miserable now, trying to process the death, so to speak, of his old buddy. He’s also trying to process why the Guardians threw the Parallax in the battery in the first place. Something isn’t right here. Ganthet isn’t telling the whole truth here about being blindsided by all this.

Doesn’t matter right now, though. Ganthet tells truths, Ganthet tells lies, blah blah blah. Rayner’s job was to retrieve Hal’s body from the sun and he did it. End of story. He almost died himself in the process, but hey, the Guardians know best. Don’t question the Smurfs, you grumpy little Gargamel.

Fine, so what can they do? What can they DO? What can THEY do? What CAN they do? WHAT can they do? Hey, Kyle, it works with every inflection! That’s kinda cool. OK, nevermind, gotta focus here… they need to figure something out before Parallax corrupts the Spectre just like it corrupted Jordan. Then what? Chaos! CHAOS! CHAos. ChaOS. OK, it doesn’t really work with that, heh.

There’s still two questions, though: 1) why did Parallax target Hal Jordan out of thousands of Corps members, as 2) who released that motherfucker from the battery in the first place? Who the hell would or could wake it up?

Surprise, it’s Sinestro!

Final Thoughts

That’s not a surprise! I’ve only read one other Green Lantern story in my whole life and I know Sinestro’s the Big Bad round these parts!

I’m not sure how I feel about the beginning of this epic Geoff Johns Green Lantern journey. It’s chaotic and green and there are too many characters to try and remember. Batman? Who the hell is that?!

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Yes, God, Yes (2019)

Tagline:
Being bad has never felt so good.

Wide Release Date:
July 24, 2020

Directed by:
Karen Maine
Written by:
Karen Maine
Produced by:
Katie Cordeal, Colleen Hammond, Eleanor Columbus, Rodrigo Teixeira

Starring:
Natalia Dyer
Timothy Simons
Wolfgang Novogratz
Francesca Reale
Susan Blackwell
Parker Wierling
Alisha Boe
Donna Lynne Champlin

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I love Stranger Things. Natalia Dyer, objectively, plays the least interesting character on that show. Actually, it’s a tie between her and Jonathan Byers, who is also awful, but I’ve already digressed.

I found this movie scanning Netflix, and I’m always intrigued by creepy Jesus stuff, light-hearted or otherwise. I’ve never heard of Yes, God, Yes before, and I was quite surprised to see Natalia Dyer in a starring role about a Catholic retreat and/or guilty high school libidos. So why the hell not? Maybe I’ll gain some newfound appreciation for her outside Nancy Wheeler and her whole who-gives-a-shit Stranger Things plotlines.

Timothy Simons sealed the deal on this one. That guy is always great.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Welcome to the year 2000. 9/11 wouldn’t happen for, like, three or four years or something. The country was recently gifted with “Who Let the Dogs Out?” A teenage girl named Alice (Natalia Dyer) is a Catholic school student who is being told during morality class that any kind of sex outside of heterosexual marital procreation is considered a sin worthy of eternal damnation. This is because God is really interested in when and why you fuck. Alice’s sexual curiosity brings about strong feelings of guilt and shame. She accidentally gets involved in a cybersex situation over AOL Instant Messenger while playing a chatroom game and gets interrupt while attempting to jerk it.

Ahh, the good ol’ days of the early internet. Cybersex has never been quite as tasteful!

After a rumor goes around the school that Alice tossed some kid name Wade’s (Parker Wierling) salad at a party over the weekend (a phrase of which she is unaware), the faculty are wary of her possible promiscuity. Desperate to get back on God’s good side, Alice attends a spiritual retreat with her friend Laura (Francesca Reale) and led by Father Murphy (Timothy Simons). Both Laura and Alice want to win over their respective spirit leaders; Nina (Alisha Boe), whom Laura wants to impress, and Chris (Wolfgang Novogratz), whom Alice wants to hella bone. Chris has really hairy arms. Alice likes that. She tries to jerk it again in her bed with her contraband cellphone’s vibration setting during the first night of the retreat, but stops herself after seeing Jesus on the cross hanging in her room. Sexual frustration increases. Guilt increases. The next morning, Nina discovers the phone on confiscates it. She is assigned by Father Murphy to do chores around the retreat house as an ACT OF ATONEMENT.

That day, while cleaning the house, Alice sneaks into Father Murphy’s office and asks a chatroom what “tossing salad” means. This conversation is later noticed by Father Murphy, who calls upon any guilty party to fess up during lunch. No one fesses up.

During another session of cleaning, Alice witnesses Nina giving a boy a blowjob through the window. She tries to tell Laura, but since Laura is trying to get on Nina’s good side, she accuses Alice of lying about it. Alice also tries to confront Wade to confirm he spread the rumor about the whole salad tossing thing, which he denies sorta but not really. She enacts her revenge by slipping Wade’s relationship bracelet under the keyboard in Father Murphy’s office, which FINGERS WADE as the culprit. So to speak. Now, this part’s important: she catches Father Murphy jerking it to some hella porno on his computer.

Yes, God, Yes - Father Murphy Pornography

Ohhhh, God have mercy!

Later, Alice gets weird with Chris and starts kissing him. He’s cool for about five seconds before he pushes her away. Embarrassed, she leaves the grounds and winds up at a lesbian bar. The owner of the bar, Gina (Susan Blackwell) lets her have a drink and they discuss how fucked up Catholicism is. Now Gina’s open about who she is and wasted a lot of youth fretting. This is Alice’s eye-opening moment.

At school, after the retreat, Alice makes nice with Chris. She implies during a confessional that she caught Murphy playing with himself at the camp. Then, at long last, while alone in her house, Alice flicks the bean while watching Titanic

I come to the podium today, ladies and gentlemen, to tell you that this religion stuff is super fucked-up.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Christianity Is Creepy

There, I said it. I say it a lot both directly and indirectly when I get a chance, so I have a chance and I’m going to say it directly again. Christianity is creepy.

I was loosely raised Catholic, but I never bought into it. In fact, even as a youngin’ I found the whole idea unnerving. I remember picturing God as a crescent moon with a star next to it. Like the Turkish flag, for example! Like many flags! And it was all downhill from there. I had to go to catechism until I was 13, which was complete bullshit. I got confirmed and everything.

I never had to do a multiple day retreat, but my mom helped chaperone a day trip to some campground where we had to sing about Jesus. My friend laughed so hard while joking during lunch that he threw up his pizza. That’s the only specific thing I remember about the whole day. Clearly, it all made a significant impression.

A multi-day retreat sounds like Hell to me. Literal Hell! My idea of literal Hell is a Christian retreat. Also being eternally conscious in an empty avoid, I suppose, but a Christian retreat sounds almost equally terrible. I like Yes, God, Yes‘ portrayal of overly-smiley religious teenagers. I knew people like that in high school and it was pretty spot on. Of course, I don’t think I knew any that were getting blowjobs during their various pious excursions, but I’m willing to bet it was a non-zero number!

Time for a confession! Who is responsible for drawing this picture of Jesus? You got the eyes ALL WRONG!

TOPIC 2 — Catholic Guilt

Oh hell yeah. Alice just wants to get her rocks off and she never gets to until the end of the movie. Every time she’s interrupted, you can see the look on her face that she’s worried about eternal damnation just for touching herself. How unfair is that?

Catholic guilt is pretty rough. I know middle-aged adults who still fear God enough to avoid (sometimes unsuccessfully) their vices. Even swearing, which has been extensively studied and theorized to be good for your health, is a one-way ticket to getting your little butt poked by Beelzebub himself until the end of time and beyond. It darn frikkin’ stinks to have a religion rooted in fear of the afterlife to keep people in line during regular life. That can really mess you up beyond rehabilitation.

Oh shit, that smiling, vacant kid over there looks like someone gave him a lobotomy with a steak knife.

I only remember a couple of times where I felt that pang of Catholic guilt, but the strongest instance was a week or two in 9th grade when I kept thinking stuff like “God sucks” and “God can go fuck himself” and then I kept spiraling into obsessive-compulsive territory where every time I worried that you can sin with your thoughts, I kept thinking stuff like “I hope God dies” and “God is a fucking moron”. Maybe this was an important step for me, in hindsight. Look at how well-adjusted I am now!

I wonder if feeling bad about telling people that I’m not religious is part of the guilt?

TOPIC 3 — Alice’s Awakening

A lot of us who decided Catholicism wasn’t very cool had treaded this path of self-actualization at a young age. It took me until early college to finally admit to myself that I didn’t have a place in my life for God or any of his little minions, and it took me even longer to have the courage to admit to myself that I simply don’t believe in any of it at all. And that’s just a childhood of very loose Catholic upbringing. I can’t imagine struggling through this growing up in a religious household.

Alice’s awakening, ironically, comes during a retreat meant to bring people closer to God. To put it more specifically, it comes during her witnessing Timothy Simons jacking off in his office! That would snap anyone out of religious devotion. My favorite part of the movie was Alice’s encounter with Gina in the lesbian bar. In a defining moment, this woman relieves Alice of almost all of the guilt weighing her down throughout the awful week. Then she is advised to check out some of the more liberal colleges in America. Excellent advice for anyone who doesn’t want to spend their adulthood hating women and the LGBTQ+ as a whole, I always say.

If I had a nickel for every 16-year-old that came to my bar for a wine cooler…

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Feature film adaptation of the short film of the same name, Yes, God, Yes (2017), which was released online in 2017.
Boring.

Francesca Reale and Natalia Dyer starred in 2016’s Stranger Things
Boring.

The retreat “Kirkos” is a play on retreat Kairos that catholic high school students all over the country partake in. The Question the first , Weep the second, Accept the third and Live the fourth is the actual mantra of the retreat and students are not allowed to share what happens at Kairos with students who haven’t been. Most of the retreat moments in the movie actually happen on the retreat.
Super boring. Maybe I should watching movies people actually, you know, see. I need some better trivia.

That’s right, Alice. Confess your sins to Big Daddy. Let it all come out.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It’s ok. Not essential. It’s a fluffy teen movie about a teenage girl in the year 2000 who desperate wants to get herself off without guilt. I heard that the portrayal of a Jesus retreat was fairly accurate. As someone who never had to go through with this, I’m supremely relieved that I didn’t have to spend a week trying to jack off in total privacy with a priest lurking around.

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Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [July, 2002] Written by: Brian Michael Bendis “B Level (Part 4)”

Final Thoughts

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 [February, 2005] Written by: Geoff Johns “Yellow”

Final Thoughts

PREGAME THOUGHTS

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Christianity Is Creepy

TOPIC 2 — Catholic Guilt

TOPIC 3 — Alice’s Awakening

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [July, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“B Level (Part 4)”

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 [February, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Yellow”