The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 37: “The Long Chase”

This Nynaeve chapter is rather short, as Nynaeve chapters tend to be. Not much happens at all except that hits a couple of beats that had occurred over the last batch of chapters: Moiraine’s usual stoicism is threatened when she realizes the only one with the coin (Perrin) had lost it only to regain it later that evening.

Nynaeve spends half the chapter annoyed that Moiraine and Lan do their own scouting ahead of her while she hangs back like some sort of curmudgeonly third wheel. Moiraine eventually discovers a camp of Whitecloaks holding the one with the coin (Perrin) prisoner. They don’t know yet that Egwene is with them since she holds no tracking coin of her own. The caveat here is that the Whitecloak camp has about two hundred of them just kind of hanging around. Obviously, that’s not good.

Lan trusts Nynaeve to sneak down near the camp and cut the ropes holding their horses. Moiraine will create a distraction, the horses will start running in all directions, Lan will swoop in and get the prisoner (Perrin). Nynaeve gets all chuffed up that Lan is allowing to be a major part of their ploy!

She successfully sneaks near the horses and recognizes Bela, Egwene’s horse, tied up with the rest, signifying Egwene’s presence in the camp as well! Good news, everyone! She decides to steal Bela, and then a second horse, when suddenly lightning strikes the ground near the camp and scares the absolute fucking bejeezus out of the rest of the horses.

She gets the horses calm again, but then Elyas’ wolves start attacking the horses. Nynaeve is able to take her two horses safely and rides away with the camp.

This is the part where Nynaeve breaks off from her group! Time to start kicking some ass alone-style, that would be the sweet, sweet medicine I need.

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Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 – “Yellow”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Green Lantern: Rebirth limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 – “Yellow”! In the previous installment, the Justice League gets involved with Hal Jordan’s Spectre possession and whatever the hell is going on with Guy Gardner. John Stewart gets pissed at Batman for the final time and decides to pick a fantastic time to be possessed by the Spectre for three minutes. He starts blasting at everyone, but then the Spectre whisks Hal Jordan away to somewhere. Wherever. Who cares.

Long story short, the soul of Hal is possessed by the Spectre, but his body is now under the jurisdiction of the Guardians of the Universe. What that entails yet, I don’t know. Whatever. Who cares.

This is fun so far! Lot’s of green ink in the pages. Let’s keep this train rolling.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 [February, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Yellow”

UNHOLY TRINITY! A grimacing Hal Jordan! A smiling guy with Paulie Walnuts hair! Mr. Hooded Lantern! They’re all here! Oh boy!

Back at Highway Mill, New Mexico, where we keep returning to because Kyle Rayner has his legs mangled and can’t walk or whatever, we start to learn more about that Guardian who stole Hal Jordan’s sexy corpse. His name is Ganthet, and he is the last of the Guardians of the Universe. Which means he’s not doing much procreation anymore these days.

“He’s been the only one watching over the legacy of the Green Lantern Corps since he gave me the ring. He’s old. Like beginning-of-time Big-Bang-theory old.” Like, Sheldon wearing a Green Lantern shirt! That’s what we’re talking about here! I’m on the same page here.

He’s so old (“HOW OLD IS HE?!?!”)… he’s so old that he could crack the planet in half with a thought! … … oh, ok, well that connection doesn’t make too much sense, but the point of it remains the same. Ganthet is a tough cookie.

Ganthet tells Kilowog, again, to lower his dang ring before he starts cracking planets in half as if they were tough cookies. And Kilowog refuses.

Mi casa es su casa, homie.

“I’ve never seen him angry before,” Rayner thinks as he watches this calm, cool, and collected Smurf try to get what he wants. “I’ve never seen the Guardian emote much of any emotion. Until I came back from Sector 3599 and I confronted him about the Parallax.”

Here’s the part where we see some emotion, because Ganthet is mad, you see. The air gets hot, the wind completely stops, the silence is deafening. And Kilowog doesn’t care, he’s going to try to attack this Guardian like a complete dullard. This won’t turn out well for him, I can tell already! I’m pretty perceptive!

Kilowog attempts to blast a giant beam of green Kool-Aid out of his fist toward Stoic Ganthet Jones. Ganthet doesn’t move, but the pupils in his eyeballs disappear as he readies himself. A hurricane of, uh, green Kool-Aid, swirls around him and before he unleashes an extremely powerful burst of energy toward Kilowog. It catches him off guard! But he’s still in the fight. They continue trying to blow each other up for a bit.

Rnn indeed, my good man. Rnn indeed. Solidarity and whatnot.

Kyle gets caught up in the crossfire and has no choice but to try and use the ring. Shrapnel flying everywhere! Up down left right and inside his butt.

“An electrical charge shoots through my arm and into my heart,” he thinks as he makes a bunch of “ow” faces. There’s also a “rnn” in there for pain. “It’s reaching into my soul again. I fight it off. But it communicates visions to me. Trying to chip away at my will.”

This Green Lantern stuff sounds pretty strong! Maybe no one should wield the power. Maybe they all throw their rings into Mt. Doom and forget all this unpleasantness ever happened in any of their lives.

He sees visions of Guy Gardner: Hal Jordan’s understudy. “A man capable of overcoming fear.”

He sees visions of John Stewart: uh… an architect from Detroit. Guy Gardner’s understudy. The visions involve Stewart fucking up the rest of the Justice League pretty handily.

Rayner yells for the ring to stop showing him all these silly visions. These two are now gone. Guy Gardner and John Stewart have been compromised. “Damn it, Jordan,” Rayner grits his teeth, “you better be worth this!”

Pffft. That jerkoff? He’s not worth his dad’s stupid jacket that he inherited after that plane that also, if I’m not mistaken, killed a cow. That poor cow.

Outside the ruins of Coast City, where the Spectre decides to transport Hal Jordan, Hal Jordan hollers about why the Spectre decided to transport him (Hal Jordan) outside the ruins of Coast City. While wandering the eerie, empty, and intact streets, he approaches his old apartment building all “WUZZA WUZZA WAAHHH?” about it. Memories flood his puny brain of his good ol’ time spent bringing girls home to bang while the landlady complains. Ha, those were certainly the days, were they not?

It’s called the G-Spot Tornado, Mrs. Broome. Come over here and I’ll show ya.

Jordan slowly creeps up the vacant building’s staircase and approaches his unit. He creeeaks open the door to find this old apartment bathed in vibrant green light. A lantern, the source, sits on the floor.

“Who did all of this?” Jordan asks, picking up the lantern. “Who brought it all back?”

“YOU DID, JORDAN,” answers a creepy-crawly face on the side of the lantern. Eek! It’s a reflection! Eeek! It’s Hal Jordan! Eeeeek! It’s some Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde situation! Eeek eek eeeek! EEK EEK EEEEK.

“WE DID.”

Eek

Back in CIDER MILL SALT FARM TORTILLA BADLANDS NEW MEXICO or whatever the fuck, Rayner helps Ganthet make Kilowog eat the curb. Rayner is relieved to learn that the two kids who helped him have been safely removed from the situation (maimed and killed and stuffed into seven garbage bags). “Hal Jordan’s body seems to be unharmed,” explains Ganthet, which is probably not true since the last Guardian of the Universe has needs too, you know. “The residual energy he held as Parallax preserved it as I believed it might.”

Well that’s good to know! Hal Jordan’s body pickled by the Parallax. That’s pretty convenient. But this is all information that Rayner needs to tell the members of the Justice League! If Batman doesn’t get to know everything about everything, he gets quite angry and he’ll stomp off to his Batcave again. And he won’t take a shower for several weeks.

Then there’s some stuff about Ganthet needing Rayner to keep the ring and Rayner doesn’t want it. But he can’t – shouldn’t – give it up because evil possessive powers of the ring can’t sneak up on those who know fear? Even though it’s already gotten Kilowog, Guy Garnder, and John Stewart, so they must have fear? But Rayner doesn’t? Am I understanding that correctly? And Ganthet needs Rayner to keep it and use it and go be Green Lantern? To save Hal Jordan? And the universe too? But mostly Hal Jordan? Is that right? Hello?

Also, hope is useless. Don’t bank on hope to help you during your Green Lantern endeavors. Only willpower will work. Hope will not. No hope. No hope, jobs, or cash. Understand, son? Hello?

All along the Watchtower, HQ of the Justice League and their smelly, unwashed costumes, the place is a complete disheveled mess. It looks like someone floated up in the air and tried killing the Justice League here! Rude! No one’s left. Not a soul. Where is everyone? Hello?

Oh, ok, I see now. The pointless members of the Justice League are still around. That’s cool and good, I suppose. Bleh.

Mutant Martian Monster Magnet and Mr. Fake Fantastic and Dr. Late Night are still hanging around, so there’s that at least.

*crickets*

Also, there’s a power ring still floating around these parts. Rayner can feel that shit coursing through the veins in his flaccid little pud. AHA! Green Arrow is here too! Thank, uhm, Jesus Christ and also Aristotle and Socrates and Julius Caesar and Kiefer Sutherland. Has anyone really stopped and thought about that guy’s name, by the way? Kiefer.

I suppose Rayner and Green Arrow have a history, because Rayner has about 1000 people on his list he would rather be hanging out with right now. Elon Musk, Donald Trump, Jr., all those cops who keep killing people. All above Green Arrow.

Rayner had been teleported here, I think. Also here is Hal Jordan in his casket. It’s a real party.

Speaking of Hal Jordan in his casket, we go back to Hal Jordan out of his casket in his fake apartment in his fake coastal town to start screamin’ at the Parallax. Just a bunch of a HUB UB BUBUBLBUB at this guy with the silver wingtips in his hair from the cover.

“Parallax. You’re NOT me. Not anymore,” Jordan blubbers.
“Correct,” Parallax McSilver Fox agrees all smiley-like, “I am part of you, Jordan.”
“ARRR!” Jordan answers.

A solid interaction thus far! The room swirls with more of that tasty green light, sending DC Comics in a tizzy to get more ink for the printers. Holy Jesus.

Guys, come on. This gangbang isn’t as fun anymore as it was at the beginning.

Parallax promises to fulfill Jordan’s greatest desires. His life back. Everything he ever wanted. CAROL FERRIS, Hal. You can have Carol Ferris’ bleached butthole! Just say the word.

A new guy pops in. “VENGEANCE! WE MUST DELIVER… Nnngg.”

Aha, Mr. Nnngg is the third guy on the cover. The Spectre. I see now! Finally, I can put a name to the face of each of the multiple personalities! That’s fun!

Spectre wants the spirit of vengeance. It can’t fail.
Parallax wants Spectre to shut the fuck up.

So they fight each other with Hal Jordan screaming like a dork in the middle. Spectre appears to win out and allow Jordan to “see the truth about Parallax” and the “truth about himself”. And nothing but the truth. So help him god.

While that may be quite exciting, we needs must get back to the Rayner / Green Arrow conversation. Rayner is laying down some 4-1-1 about what powers these rings. It ain’t just light flowing through, you idiot. The central battery collects willpower from everything in the universe and converts it energy. Ya ding dong. “There’s an emotional electromagnetic spectrum out there that can be harnessed and used. Green willpower is the most pure…”

Oh fuck me. Is Geoff Johns the comic book writer really going to start talking about electromagnetic spectrums right now?

So Green Arrow asks what this has to do with Jordan, which is a very good question. I hope it gets answered while I play some more Xbox!

…

And we’re back! … Oh, not answered yet? OK, I’ll stick around for this explanation. Kyle Rayner feels like he didn’t belong here on Earth anymore after everything that’s been happening, so he fucked back off to space. And on the edge of the universe, he found what he aptly describes as “something”.

“On the tenth planet from the sun Pagalus.”

HOLD THE PHONE. ARE WE REALLY GOING TO START TALKING ABOUT ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUMS AND THE TENTH PLANET FROM PAGALUS? I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW.

When Rayner was on the tenth planet from buttfuck Pagalus, the people there were scared of his spooOoOOooOOOooky ring. An elder, some senile bastard of the community, told tales of Parallax single-handedly ending the universe. A creature was born at the very beginning of sentience.

It was yellow.

The art department had barrels of unused yellow ink lying around and made some demands.

It terrorized and destroyed and ruined and maimed and annoyed and tormented and conquered! And all that fear just fed the creature, causing it to grow stronger! And more fearful! The cycle continues and so forth. Anyway, the Parallax. It’s yellow, man. Like Mr. Burns.

GREEN ARROW THINKS THIS IS POPPYCOCK! Rayner continues…

So Parallax sought to end the universe with his fear-mongering. Tasty, tasty fear. Now HERE COME THE GUARDIANS to save the day. They started collecting green willpower and building a battery while Parallax collected yellow fear. “The opposite energies couldn’t destroy one another…”

…but they were able to contain Parallax – imprison him – and send him into an unconscious state that the Guardians believed was permanent. Over time, the legend of the scary yellow Parallax died down and became largely forgotten… but the rings still reacted poorly to the color yellow. Weakened them. Rendered them no more useful than decoder rings! And those are pretty useful during decoding situations!

“And only someone capable of overcoming great fear could master the power ring.”

“For billions of years, Parallax was basically dead. And the Green Lantern Corps thrived.”

*doorbell rings to deliver my pizza, which didn’t take nearly as long as this story*

THIS “JUST FOR MEN” TOUCH OF GRAY IS WORKING WONDERS!

One day, for no reason whatsoever, Parallax woke up and now things are bad again! He was weak, but MAN was he hungry. And he sought a nice host. A nice strong host with strong manly Green Lantern manly manliness. And, for some reason, based on this criteria, somehow, he settled on Hal Jordan. His aim was to make Jordan weak. To make him afraid. To make him…deliciously horny…

So the hair turned white from stress and fear. Hal was like “big whoop”. Then Mongul came around and helped destroy Coast City, killing everyone Hal knew and loved. Hal was like “big whoop”. But, on the inside, Hal was like, this really is a big whoop :[

Blah blah blah. It all warped Hal Jordan’s sense of right and wrong and now he’s a shell of a man and he’s a scared little boy and my pizza is getting cold.

When Hal Jordan tried to recreate the destroyed Coast City, the Guardians were like “Bad Boy” and threatened to take away his Green Lantern privileges. And scared little fight-or-flight Jordan decided to fight instead of flight! The Guardians didn’t like this very much, as you could imagine. And the rest is history.

He kept fighting back against the Corps and against the Guardians. And then desperate times called for desperate measures! They freed Sinestro from his “power battery prison”, which I think is code for “his Gameboy Pocket”. Still a stupid fucking idea, but hey, the Guardians know best. Plus, Sinestro is all mean and red looking, so he could fear the fear out of Jordan in a real jiffy.

There’s a panel of the two of them screaming at each other while mildly nuzzling each other with their ring powers.

Sinestro couldn’t stop him! Jordan broke Sinestro’s scrawny neck! lmao and lol! Then he destroyed the green central battery, which not only gave Jordan all the power in the Green Universe of Greenness, but also freed Parallax once and for all! And the rest is history.

Isn’t this story exciting?! I’m excited!

And then the big yellow bug infiltrated Air Jordan, and the rest is history.

And the rest is history!

“Even when Jordan relit the sun, and sacrificed his life to save Earth – it was just a momentary glimpse of the real man shining through.” Yeah, it really sucks that the great, beloved Hal Jordan was taken over by something so sinister. It’s a real… *yawn* …it’s really a shame, isn’t it?

Rayner had always wondered why his ring was never affected by yellow, but it all makes sense! (?)

It’s because the Parallax is free. I guess it’s a big deal, huh? He never really thought it was anything important, just something nagging at him from time to time. Like an OVERBEARING WIFE! Right fellas?

And Hal? He would’ve stopped himself if he even knew himself was not himself! Oh the irony. Or something similar to irony.

“I did not allow your soul to be drawn to me without reason,” the Spectre explains. “I hoped by binding to your infected being, that I would have the ability to burn out this Parallax like a disease.”

Tough tittles, Spectre! Even the Parallax is stronger than your weak, shitty powers! He is here to stay like a bad habit. The Hal Jordan everyone knew is dead! Say hello to Parallax Jones! A HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!

Cute.

Fun story, Kyle. Green Arrow is miserable now, trying to process the death, so to speak, of his old buddy. He’s also trying to process why the Guardians threw the Parallax in the battery in the first place. Something isn’t right here. Ganthet isn’t telling the whole truth here about being blindsided by all this.

Doesn’t matter right now, though. Ganthet tells truths, Ganthet tells lies, blah blah blah. Rayner’s job was to retrieve Hal’s body from the sun and he did it. End of story. He almost died himself in the process, but hey, the Guardians know best. Don’t question the Smurfs, you grumpy little Gargamel.

Fine, so what can they do? What can they DO? What can THEY do? What CAN they do? WHAT can they do? Hey, Kyle, it works with every inflection! That’s kinda cool. OK, nevermind, gotta focus here… they need to figure something out before Parallax corrupts the Spectre just like it corrupted Jordan. Then what? Chaos! CHAOS! CHAos. ChaOS. OK, it doesn’t really work with that, heh.

There’s still two questions, though: 1) why did Parallax target Hal Jordan out of thousands of Corps members, as 2) who released that motherfucker from the battery in the first place? Who the hell would or could wake it up?

Surprise, it’s Sinestro!

Final Thoughts

That’s not a surprise! I’ve only read one other Green Lantern story in my whole life and I know Sinestro’s the Big Bad round these parts!

I’m not sure how I feel about the beginning of this epic Geoff Johns Green Lantern journey. It’s chaotic and green and there are too many characters to try and remember. Batman? Who the hell is that?!

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Yes, God, Yes (2019)

Tagline:
Being bad has never felt so good.

Wide Release Date:
July 24, 2020

Directed by:
Karen Maine
Written by:
Karen Maine
Produced by:
Katie Cordeal, Colleen Hammond, Eleanor Columbus, Rodrigo Teixeira

Starring:
Natalia Dyer
Timothy Simons
Wolfgang Novogratz
Francesca Reale
Susan Blackwell
Parker Wierling
Alisha Boe
Donna Lynne Champlin

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I love Stranger Things. Natalia Dyer, objectively, plays the least interesting character on that show. Actually, it’s a tie between her and Jonathan Byers, who is also awful, but I’ve already digressed.

I found this movie scanning Netflix, and I’m always intrigued by creepy Jesus stuff, light-hearted or otherwise. I’ve never heard of Yes, God, Yes before, and I was quite surprised to see Natalia Dyer in a starring role about a Catholic retreat and/or guilty high school libidos. So why the hell not? Maybe I’ll gain some newfound appreciation for her outside Nancy Wheeler and her whole who-gives-a-shit Stranger Things plotlines.

Timothy Simons sealed the deal on this one. That guy is always great.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Welcome to the year 2000. 9/11 wouldn’t happen for, like, three or four years or something. The country was recently gifted with “Who Let the Dogs Out?” A teenage girl named Alice (Natalia Dyer) is a Catholic school student who is being told during morality class that any kind of sex outside of heterosexual marital procreation is considered a sin worthy of eternal damnation. This is because God is really interested in when and why you fuck. Alice’s sexual curiosity brings about strong feelings of guilt and shame. She accidentally gets involved in a cybersex situation over AOL Instant Messenger while playing a chatroom game and gets interrupt while attempting to jerk it.

Ahh, the good ol’ days of the early internet. Cybersex has never been quite as tasteful!

After a rumor goes around the school that Alice tossed some kid name Wade’s (Parker Wierling) salad at a party over the weekend (a phrase of which she is unaware), the faculty are wary of her possible promiscuity. Desperate to get back on God’s good side, Alice attends a spiritual retreat with her friend Laura (Francesca Reale) and led by Father Murphy (Timothy Simons). Both Laura and Alice want to win over their respective spirit leaders; Nina (Alisha Boe), whom Laura wants to impress, and Chris (Wolfgang Novogratz), whom Alice wants to hella bone. Chris has really hairy arms. Alice likes that. She tries to jerk it again in her bed with her contraband cellphone’s vibration setting during the first night of the retreat, but stops herself after seeing Jesus on the cross hanging in her room. Sexual frustration increases. Guilt increases. The next morning, Nina discovers the phone on confiscates it. She is assigned by Father Murphy to do chores around the retreat house as an ACT OF ATONEMENT.

That day, while cleaning the house, Alice sneaks into Father Murphy’s office and asks a chatroom what “tossing salad” means. This conversation is later noticed by Father Murphy, who calls upon any guilty party to fess up during lunch. No one fesses up.

During another session of cleaning, Alice witnesses Nina giving a boy a blowjob through the window. She tries to tell Laura, but since Laura is trying to get on Nina’s good side, she accuses Alice of lying about it. Alice also tries to confront Wade to confirm he spread the rumor about the whole salad tossing thing, which he denies sorta but not really. She enacts her revenge by slipping Wade’s relationship bracelet under the keyboard in Father Murphy’s office, which FINGERS WADE as the culprit. So to speak. Now, this part’s important: she catches Father Murphy jerking it to some hella porno on his computer.

Yes, God, Yes - Father Murphy Pornography

Ohhhh, God have mercy!

Later, Alice gets weird with Chris and starts kissing him. He’s cool for about five seconds before he pushes her away. Embarrassed, she leaves the grounds and winds up at a lesbian bar. The owner of the bar, Gina (Susan Blackwell) lets her have a drink and they discuss how fucked up Catholicism is. Now Gina’s open about who she is and wasted a lot of youth fretting. This is Alice’s eye-opening moment.

At school, after the retreat, Alice makes nice with Chris. She implies during a confessional that she caught Murphy playing with himself at the camp. Then, at long last, while alone in her house, Alice flicks the bean while watching Titanic

I come to the podium today, ladies and gentlemen, to tell you that this religion stuff is super fucked-up.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Christianity Is Creepy

There, I said it. I say it a lot both directly and indirectly when I get a chance, so I have a chance and I’m going to say it directly again. Christianity is creepy.

I was loosely raised Catholic, but I never bought into it. In fact, even as a youngin’ I found the whole idea unnerving. I remember picturing God as a crescent moon with a star next to it. Like the Turkish flag, for example! Like many flags! And it was all downhill from there. I had to go to catechism until I was 13, which was complete bullshit. I got confirmed and everything.

I never had to do a multiple day retreat, but my mom helped chaperone a day trip to some campground where we had to sing about Jesus. My friend laughed so hard while joking during lunch that he threw up his pizza. That’s the only specific thing I remember about the whole day. Clearly, it all made a significant impression.

A multi-day retreat sounds like Hell to me. Literal Hell! My idea of literal Hell is a Christian retreat. Also being eternally conscious in an empty avoid, I suppose, but a Christian retreat sounds almost equally terrible. I like Yes, God, Yes‘ portrayal of overly-smiley religious teenagers. I knew people like that in high school and it was pretty spot on. Of course, I don’t think I knew any that were getting blowjobs during their various pious excursions, but I’m willing to bet it was a non-zero number!

Time for a confession! Who is responsible for drawing this picture of Jesus? You got the eyes ALL WRONG!

TOPIC 2 — Catholic Guilt

Oh hell yeah. Alice just wants to get her rocks off and she never gets to until the end of the movie. Every time she’s interrupted, you can see the look on her face that she’s worried about eternal damnation just for touching herself. How unfair is that?

Catholic guilt is pretty rough. I know middle-aged adults who still fear God enough to avoid (sometimes unsuccessfully) their vices. Even swearing, which has been extensively studied and theorized to be good for your health, is a one-way ticket to getting your little butt poked by Beelzebub himself until the end of time and beyond. It darn frikkin’ stinks to have a religion rooted in fear of the afterlife to keep people in line during regular life. That can really mess you up beyond rehabilitation.

Oh shit, that smiling, vacant kid over there looks like someone gave him a lobotomy with a steak knife.

I only remember a couple of times where I felt that pang of Catholic guilt, but the strongest instance was a week or two in 9th grade when I kept thinking stuff like “God sucks” and “God can go fuck himself” and then I kept spiraling into obsessive-compulsive territory where every time I worried that you can sin with your thoughts, I kept thinking stuff like “I hope God dies” and “God is a fucking moron”. Maybe this was an important step for me, in hindsight. Look at how well-adjusted I am now!

I wonder if feeling bad about telling people that I’m not religious is part of the guilt?

TOPIC 3 — Alice’s Awakening

A lot of us who decided Catholicism wasn’t very cool had treaded this path of self-actualization at a young age. It took me until early college to finally admit to myself that I didn’t have a place in my life for God or any of his little minions, and it took me even longer to have the courage to admit to myself that I simply don’t believe in any of it at all. And that’s just a childhood of very loose Catholic upbringing. I can’t imagine struggling through this growing up in a religious household.

Alice’s awakening, ironically, comes during a retreat meant to bring people closer to God. To put it more specifically, it comes during her witnessing Timothy Simons jacking off in his office! That would snap anyone out of religious devotion. My favorite part of the movie was Alice’s encounter with Gina in the lesbian bar. In a defining moment, this woman relieves Alice of almost all of the guilt weighing her down throughout the awful week. Then she is advised to check out some of the more liberal colleges in America. Excellent advice for anyone who doesn’t want to spend their adulthood hating women and the LGBTQ+ as a whole, I always say.

If I had a nickel for every 16-year-old that came to my bar for a wine cooler…

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Feature film adaptation of the short film of the same name, Yes, God, Yes (2017), which was released online in 2017.
Boring.

Francesca Reale and Natalia Dyer starred in 2016’s Stranger Things
Boring.

The retreat “Kirkos” is a play on retreat Kairos that catholic high school students all over the country partake in. The Question the first , Weep the second, Accept the third and Live the fourth is the actual mantra of the retreat and students are not allowed to share what happens at Kairos with students who haven’t been. Most of the retreat moments in the movie actually happen on the retreat.
Super boring. Maybe I should watching movies people actually, you know, see. I need some better trivia.

That’s right, Alice. Confess your sins to Big Daddy. Let it all come out.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It’s ok. Not essential. It’s a fluffy teen movie about a teenage girl in the year 2000 who desperate wants to get herself off without guilt. I heard that the portrayal of a Jesus retreat was fairly accurate. As someone who never had to go through with this, I’m supremely relieved that I didn’t have to spend a week trying to jack off in total privacy with a priest lurking around.

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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 36: “Web of the Pattern”

Mat and Rand are hanging out in Master Basel Gill’s Caemlyn inn eating scraps and shooting the shit. Rand is apprehensive, insisting that Gill’s help will only get him in trouble, but as they say, “ANY FRIEND OF THOM’S IS A FRIEND OF MINE”. People say that, but not necessarily that specific and not really in such a circumstance. But people say it!

Rand wants to scope out this Elaida, the Queen’s Aes Sedai, but since Mat and Rand have the connection to Thom they probably should steer clear lest they find their own heads on spikes, perhaps.

Mat’s getting depressed — not eating, doomposting, naysaying, and all around being a wet blanket. He thinks all his friends are dead, but Rand gently reminds him that HE HAS NO FRIENDS! HAHAHAHAHA!! And also be positive, you annoying little brat. Rand gets sick of his shit, so he decides to start exploring the inn. He checks out the massive library (if you call 400 books “massive”) and meets a Ogier named Loial. As you may recall, it’s the Ogiers who developed the steddings — the sanctuaries from the magical beings, good and bad.

Loial is polite, yet accidentally unkind when it comes to discussing human nature. Loial’s been having a good time exploring the world, the “groves” if you will that his Ogier ancestors built in the cities. He himself is about 90 years old, but he knows a great deal about the ancient civilizations and stories of the land and is sad that a lot of the cities have fallen to ruins over the last few hundreds of years. Rand mentions the word “avendesora”, which freaks Loial out and calls Rand out as an Aielman (from what I presume to be an individual from the Aiel Wastes). He, of course, defends his honor as a man NOT of the Aiel Wastes my good sir! Then he mentions the Two Rivers, or the ancient name of Manetheren, and Loial’s ears perk up once again! Now everyone’s happy.

Rand finds himself blurting out everything about his journey so far, even the stuff he has been afraid to tell anyone. Loial spends some time teaching Rand about the Pattern and decides that he just might be special enough to set the threads of the Pattern himself, which Rand denies. Then Loial requests joining Rand on his journey, which Rand declines politely because he’s still afraid of roping anyone new into his troubles. Loial is sad and asks, then, to visit him more while he stays in Caemlyn. Rand accepts.

If Loial doesn’t join Rand on his journey I’ll eat fourteen hats.

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Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “B Level (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 4 of the B Level storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “B Level (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Jessica spends a great bit of time looking for Rick Jones. She buys his book, learns that he had spent most of his tenure as a superhero wracked with insecurities and guilt, and discovers that he plays solo shows down at the Ultimate. He sings “Changes” by Bowie and probably nothing else.

When Jessica tries to talk to him backstage, he slams her against the wall and demands to know if she’s working for the Kree or the Skrull! She better pick the right choice or this guy is going to burn his guitar like Jimi Hendrix.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [June, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“B Level (Part 3)”

Now this is a nice cover. I like how well-drawn Jessica Jones is while Rick Jones looks like complete garbage. He looks like he’s burping into the microphone.

We open with another page of Rick James “Bitch”’s book. On page 97 he describes his ability to “Forrest Gump” his way into historical situations. First, he was there when Bruce Banner gets all fucked up, then he’s there to be Captain America’s sidekick for about twelve minutes, and now he recounts the tale wherein he finds some armbands that allow two people to switch bodies between dimensions. He made a connection with Captain Marvel, aka Mar-Vell of the Kree (a male Captain Marvel) through these armbands.

“WHO SENT YOU TO FUCK UP MY LIFE AGAIN?!” he spits and growls and froths. Oh yeah, he said that at the end of the last issue! Well, the next thing that happens is Jessica grabbing Rick’s arm with her super strength and giving him the “don’t push your fucking luck” face. She twists his arm a bit, he knows she’s a Kree. “You are one of them, right?” he winces.

“Rick – my name is Jessica Jones. I am not a Kree and I am not a Skrull. So – calm – the – fuck – down.”

She’s dead Rick. She leapt into a cement truck. She’s fucking dead.

She lets go. Rick rubs his arm. He still thinks she’s a Kree.

Look buddy, go home. Your wife is in hysterics and I’m already tired of her even though I saw her for ten minutes and haven’t heard from her at all since, but nevertheless just get the hell home.

“I can’t,” he responds.
“You can’t?”
“Can’t.”
“Or won’t.”
“No. No, I can’t. I – All this shit with the Skrulls and shit – it’s fucking up my shit.”

There’s MAX Comics for you! Witty articulation is traded in for fun four letter words! What is this, the Tom Writes About Stuff blog?

Rick doesn’t want to elaborate upon any of this with Jessica. First of all, she’s a Kree. Second of all, she’s bugging him. She’s not taking that as an excuse. It’s going to take a lot more than “fuck you, lady” for Jessica Jones to get fucked! “You told your wife we were related.”

“I did? Are we?”
“I don’t know – are we?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then why did you tell her that?”
“Tell her what?”
“…that we were related?!”
“I don’t even know you. Why would I say that?”
“She came into my office and said that you were.”
“FUCK!”

This is going splendidly. This is the part where Rick starts ranting and raving about how nuts this woman is. Off her rocker and belonging in the looney bin with all the other Looney Tunes. Daffy Duck, in particular! She belongs in the mental hospital with Daffy Duck.

“She gets an idea – a whim – just whims that come to her. And then she decides they’re true. All of a sudden, they’re fact.”
“She made it up?”
“Is your last name Jones?”
“Yes.”
“There you go. We must be related. Your last name is Jones.”

You don’t seem to be much of a catch yourself, Ricky.

Jessica asks why this fool even married Jane in the first place. It’s because he loves her, that’s why. In spite of it all, Rick loves her and that’s just the way it is. Do you even know what love is, Jessica? Or are you just ALONE in life? Is that what it is, Jessica? Are you just ALONE? Heh.

BOOM! That’s merely the sound of a car’s backfiring engine, but Rick is heard to exclaim “JESUS FUCK!” and he starts heading for the hills. Now Jessica has to chase this guy down. A lot of maintenance, this one.

She does catch up with him because she’s fast and he sucks. She demands to know what’s going on. He can’t tell her.

This is a nice bottle episode, ain’t it? I can write a comic book like this. ISSUE #52: Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! See you next month.

Rick has been sufficiently cornered, so we finally get to hear him start spilling it. “Shit, okay… y-you know about the Kree-Skrull War?” And it’s, like, of course she does! She read all about it in his book Rick Jones Joneses Around.

Is this tall drink of water on the cover you? *wink*

Ever since that stupid war, which Rick didn’t even really know what all the fuss was about by the way, his life has sucked rude ass! A TV show, a book deal, a record deal, personal blowjob assistants, a mansion, a planet, and bags of money with dollar signs on them falling from the sky. He had it all baby! Then he got too famous. Then he got a bounty on his head. An honest-to-God intergalactic bounty! Then he died! But that comes later, actually. For now Rick is very much alive.

It’s that damned war. People around the galaxy are still pissed off about that war, man. The Skrull are gunnin’ for revenge and whatnot. People from other planets. People from other dimensions. This is some dangerous shit he got himself into! He shouldn’t even be at the Ultimate singin’ David Bowie songs. He should be in his apartment eating cold Chef Boyardee under a bare lightbulb.

“I know people who have encounters like that. I believe you,” Jessica says as Rick tosses his guitar case over a fence. “It’s not so out there.”

She just really wants to know who, specifically, like, very specifically, like, come on, is after him. So she can either fuck off or she can help, and helping is her business. Sort of. She tries, that’s all the matters.

“We have mutual friends, right?” Jessica goads. “You’re a friend of a friend. A friend of a friend is a friend.”

Uh huh. Look lady, Rick is tired. So very tired. He doesn’t even know what to do and who to trust anymore. “I’m considered, like, a war criminal or something, for things that went on during the Kree-Skrull War and now there’s a price on my head,” he explains again. We already know this, Rick. Krees, Skrulls, we’ve all BEEN there, man.

God, it’s too bad she’s obligated to find this guy for a client. I would’ve capped his ass backstage 45 minutes ago.

Rick didn’t even do anything! Maybe he bashed a bunch of Skrull children against a tree. Thousands of Skrull children and babies. One after another. But other than that, he didn’t do anything! …maybe he single-handedly ended the war. For reasons. And now some people want to even the score a little bit. For reasons. “You think those kind of heroics or whatever go unanswered? They do not.”

We’re getting a bit melodramatic here. If I were Jessica I’d kidnap him and throw him to the first Skrull I see.

“Wait, if there’s a price on your head, why are you making public appearances?” she asks him, and thank God she brought it up. CH- CH- CH- CH- CHANGES!!

Rick is all DON’T TAKE MY GUITAR AWAY FROM ME, MAN. Jessica is annoyed. This guy is annoying. He’s basically a teenager.

“If I can’t play my guitar – they won.”

Next Jessica suggests that he go to the Avengers and have them help out. He can lay low in the Avengers Mansion and watch a lot of *checks the year this comic book came out* …TiVo.

He doesn’t entertain this idea, which means he’s got some beef going on with them too. Beefs everywhere. A real beef party. “I don’t get you,” Jessica says. “You’re going to sulk in shadows all day and night.” He doesn’t care. And he won’t give her a reason.

Rick admits that our favorite dummy Captain America is not happy with him. A lot of it is because of the book, if you can believe it. And by that I mean, if you can believe that Captain America knows how to read. Captain America told Rick not to publish the book, but he did it anyway. That’s definitely not a bro move. Not a bro move at all.

“He’s so pissed that it’s worth risking getting popped by a Skrull than to talk to him?” Jessica asks him, trying to find some, any, semblance of logic within this whole inane situation.

Okay, Rick. The big bad “Skrulls” won’t hurt you anymore where we’re going.

How about the Fantastic Four? No. But Reed Richards is a smarty man. He can help! No. But he’ll fix this. Plus, he’s nice as hell. No. Well, maybe, actually. I didn’t really think of the Fantastic… how many again?… Four!

He seems agreeable, and they walk away together.

PREDICTION ALERT: Ant-Man ain’t got nothing on Rick Jones. Sorry, Carol Danvers. She’s going to fuck the rock star instead.

The next morning, which likely wasn’t too much later anyway, Jessica and Rick arrive at their destination. “Welcome to the Baxter Building, home of the world-famous Fantastic Four,” pipes in a rather cheerful, plastic-looking desk clerk. “Can I help you?”

Reed Richards can only be seen by appointment, which is funny, because Jessica has been spending the better part of four hours trying to call the building and make an appointment, so… yeah… uhm…

I was pretty close with the plastic smile part. The woman is some sort of robot. Rick tries to explain why he’s there to meet Reed Richards. “I am detecting a fluctuation in your voice modulation,” the woman tells him, “and we won’t be able to process your appointment at this time.”

They say SCREW THIS. Jessica just wants to call the dang Avengers at this point. Rick finally concedes, but while Jessica tries to get ahold of someone over the phone at the Avengers Mansion, Rick sees something that makes him jumpy again and he starts booking it. Again.

She chases him outside, but he’s lost among the throng of people. Back to square one.

Final Thoughts

Is this story really going to wrap up in the next issue? I don’t believe it. I can’t believe. I WON’T believe it.

Eh, whatever. See you next time.

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Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 [February, 2005] Written by: Geoff Johns “Yellow”

Final Thoughts

PREGAME THOUGHTS

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Christianity Is Creepy

TOPIC 2 — Catholic Guilt

TOPIC 3 — Alice’s Awakening

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [June, 2002] Written by: Brian Michael Bendis “B Level (Part 3)”

Final Thoughts

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 [February, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Yellow”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [June, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“B Level (Part 3)”