Home Alone (1990)

Tagline:
A family comedy without the family.

Wide Release Date:
November 16, 1990

Directed by:
Chris Columbus
Written by by:
John Hughes
Produced by:
John Hughes

Starring:
Macaulay Culkin
Joe Pesci
Daniel Stern
John Heard
Roberts Blossom
Catherine O’Hara

Home Alone

PREGAME THOUGHTS

This is the first movie I remember ever seeing in the theater. I was three years old at the time, and while I don’t remember the movie-going experience quite as well as the time I saw Home Alone 2 two years later, this quickly became one of my all-time favorites as a little kid by the time I had the VHS tape.

I literally have not seen this movie in over 25 years. Let’s see if it holds up.

THE 200(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Macaulay Culkin is 8-year-old Kevin McCallister from a rich suburb of Chicago. Youngest of five children, and almost the youngest of a million cousins. It’s Christmastime, and it’s the night before the family’s 900 members shove off to Paris for the holidays. It’s hectic.

An incident during dinner gets Kevin in TrouBle (with a capital “T” and, for good measure, a capital “B”), sending him to bed without dinner on the third floor away from most of the rest of the house. Mad as the dickens, he tells his mother Kate (Catherine O’Hara) that he never wants to see any of his family again.

Home Alone

The disembodied head of Uncle Frank haunts Kevin McCallister to this day.

And he thinks his wish comes true! The family runs late and scrambles to get out of the house and to the airport, completely forgetting Kevin at home the process. He initially spends his good fortune running around the house, jumping on the bed, eating massive amounts of ice cream, watching R-rated movies, and being a general spaz. Eventually, he becomes more responsible: going to the grocery store, doing laundry, cleaning up after himself, and decorating for Christmas.

While Kevin is living it up, the neighborhood is being stalked by criminals Harry (Joe Pesci) and Marv (Daniel Stern), who are hoping to clean up on all the houses that are empty for the holidays. Once Kevin catches wind that these two have eyes on his house, he does what he can to lead them away.

Meanwhile, Kate is alone in attempting a return back home. She gets a flight to Pennsylvania, but all flights to Chicago are booked. A guy named Gus (John Candy), member of a travelling polka band, offers her a ride in their van back to Chicago, which she cautiously accepts.

Home Alone

♫ The Candy Man can ’cause he mixes it with love and plays a mean clarinet. ♫

Here comes the fun part! Kevin overhears Harry and Marv planning to break into the McCallister house on Christmas Eve night, so he prepares a real smorgasbord of booby traps throughout the house. Needless to say, injuries abound. Long story short, the bad guys are thwarted and eventually arrested.

Kevin wakes up Christmas Day to find his family still gone, but then Kate shows up through the front door. They reconcile right before the rest of the family arrives home after having taken a flight directly from Paris. Everyone lives happily ever after the end.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Bein’ Home Alone

Even as a youngin’ — younger than Kevin — I thought the prospect of being completely home alone for a few days was an attractive one. A lot of that came from how nice Kevin’s house is; being rich would increase the enjoyment tremendously. I spent the first six years of my life in a semi-shitty house in a trashy neighborhood with the nearest grocery store roughly 427 miles away, so I’d have to make sure there was plenty of food in the house already. No cans, though, as I did not possess the nimble dexterity required to operate a can opener at the time. The microwave was also too high for me, as were most of the items in the refrigerator. I would be limited to boxes of Pop Tarts on the bottom shelf of the modest pantry, which I would be okay with as long as there were at least three different varieties for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Home Alone

I definitely wouldn’t be trimming a tree that I chopped down myself. I’m 35 and I can barely remember to water my own tree regularly.

I would likely spend much of my time watching Nickelodeon and playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on the NES, which isn’t very imaginative. The important thing here is that no one would be able to tell me to stop, which was always a frustrating obstacle for my childhood media consumption endeavors.

I’d also have to leave the lights on in the whole house while I slept, considering the house was replete with scary monsters that would be waiting to eat my flesh and bones in the wee hours of the night. A baseball bat would have to be at arm’s length, and I would need to practice swinging in the backyard for a few hours to prepare as I was, to be generous, unwieldy.

Never mind. Being home alone at age six doesn’t sound logistically sound. I just wanted to play endless amounts of Nintendo, I guess.

TOPIC 2 — Harry and Marv

Boy, are these guys dumb. They had such a good thing going in the beginning, with Harry’s ingenious plan to impersonate a cop to survey the houses from the inside, and Marv’s ingenious plan to stay completely out of it and let Harry do the thinking.

Home Alone

Fun fact: Daniel Stern had to be assured that tarantulas don’t have ears before he screamed right into its delicate and tender little ears.

It seems like a halfway intelligent guy like Harry would’ve dumped Marv a long time ago. Is he really the best he can do? Dump that zero and get yourself a hero, son. The dude’s calling card is flooding houses, that’s not very subtle at all!

So Kevin tricks them that the house is full of people until the end, when they finally realize that he’s alone in the house. This is where this wacky movie, where an 8-year-old thwarts two adults with zany booby traps, loses me. Why would anybody rob a house that is known to be occupied? What do they have to gain by attempting to rob a house blind while a kid in the house could call the cops during any open five seconds? To teach him a lesson? Why risk it anyway? Getting a blowtorch to the head would probably be the end of it for me; I’d move on to some other house at that point.

Speaking of which, there sure is a lot of racket between the two of them trying to get into the house in the first place! Banging and clanging and screeching and swearing! I know a lot of the neighbors are on vacation, but come on now. You would think somebody would’ve called the police early on. It takes Harry and Marv an hour to even get into the house, you don’t think someone would’ve seen these two slip and slide all over the stairs? I don’t know, man. Plot holes abound.

Home Alone

Fun fact: Macaulay Culkin was hit by the van seven times before they got a take that worked.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Joe Pesci deliberately avoided Macaulay Culkin on-set, because he wanted Culkin to think he was mean.
That’s not how you do it. You don’t deliberately avoid the kid. You deliberately be mean to the kid. I’m talking tripping him in the hallways, knocking the books out of his hands, locking him in his locker, noogies, swirlies, and pelting him with food from craft services. Then it won’t just be the top of your head he’d be blowtorchin’.

Catherine O’Hara revealed in 2014 that Macaulay Culkin still calls her “Mom”.
OK, yeah, were you looking at Macaulay Culkin post-2000 and wondering “hey, this guy seems pretty creepy with the face and the drugs and the whole Michael Jackson thing, but can he possibly get any creepier”?

Home Alone

If Buzz knew that Macaulay Culkin still called Catherine O’Hara “Mom” he’d kick his ass six ways ’til Sunday!

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern felt indifferent about the movie’s potential during shooting, so they intentionally gave over-the-top performances, neither one of them believing this movie would become a massive success.
This reminds me of the story about Patrick Stewart who stayed at a hotel and didn’t unpack his suitcase for six months because he thought Star Trek: TNG was going to be a total flop. And it was! A flop toward success!

Many of the shots that focus on Kevin in the beginning of the movie are filmed from above his head, making him seem small and helpless. At the end of the movie, Kevin is mostly shot from below, making him seem taller and more confident.
Fun fact: By the end of Home Alone 2, Kevin McCallister was 56ft tall and pounding buildings with his diamond-studded fists.

Macaulay Culkin’s stunt double was a very short 30-year-old man.
Sorry folks. Peter Dinklage was only 21 in 1990. Jiminy Jillkers Jiminy Jillikers Jiminey Jillikers!

The scream that Daniel Stern belts out during the tarantula scene was filmed live on-set, after Stern was assured by the animal handlers that tarantulas do not have ears.
What a nice guy! Too bad Stern spent the majority of the time on-set giving Macaulay Culkin atomic wedgies because he wanted him to think he was mean.

During rehearsal for the scene where Harry attempts to bite off Kevin’s finger, Joe Pesci actually bit Macaulay Culkin, leaving a small scar.
Nice guy my dick and balls.

Home Alone

Pictured: Kieran Culkin drinking enough Pepsi on set to literally accidentally pee his pants constantly.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

I watched this with my 5-year-old daughter about a week ago. I don’t know why I tempered my expectations for a John Hughes movie, but Home Alone is still fantastic as a jaded adult. It’s amazing to re-watch a movie you once had memorized and see a lot of scenes from an older perspective. Daniel Stern and Katherine O’Hara especially look young. The movie gets a PG rating despite a handful of swear words, some sexual references, a child looking through a Playboy magazine, and an extremely violent movie-within-a-movie. Who cares, of course? I don’t, I was younger than my own kid when I first saw it. Kids need to be exposed to this stuff early on, I always say!

Keep the change, you filthy animal.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 24: “Flight Down the Arinelle”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Rand has a dream again. It’s veeerrryy interesting. You see, it’s something about running around an M.C. Escher staircase maze with brambles and thorns as the walls. Ba’alzamon, aka one of the 700 names of the Dark One, chases him around. He pricks himself on one of the thorns on the maze wall. This happens for three dozen pages before he wakes up on the boat heading down the Arinelle River. His finger still bleeds… yowza!

Boat life is pretty fun. In order to avoid general crew disgruntlement and a possible mutiny, Thom spends a lot of time juggling and standing on his head and stuff. The kind of shenanigans that passes for amusement when you have nothing but a piece of rope to play with. To keep up appearances, Thom continues to pretend Rand and Mat are gleeman apprentices and he starts teaching them the gleeman ways of clowning around like goofs!

The boat travels about six meters per hour down the river. Even fat Perrin could walk faster than this, so Rand keeps a lookout in case he catches him or Egwene wandering around aimlessly on the riverbank. A particularly cranky crew member named Gelb always looks like he wants to slit the new travelers’ throats, but the rest of the crew hates Gelb anyway and they make him clean latrines all day. While passing through a canyon-like area of the river, there are dozens of statues of kings and queens that look like they’ve been there for centuries. Domon is a jovial captain and regales Rand with tales of all sorts of strange sights the world has. You could spend a lifetime chasing them down, and that’s the real treasure! Gems and coins and jewels ain’t it. Money is worthless. Cool statues, man, that’s the sweet life.

Rand finds out that Mat swiped a lavish dagger from Shadar Logoth and insists that Mordeth didn’t offer it to him, so it’s not tainted. Rand agrees to keep Mat’s secret; they can possibly barter it for gems or coins or jewels in Tar Valon. Or statues. What have you.

Out of nowhere, Rand decides to climb the mast without even realizing he’s doing it. The whole crew stares up at him; Thom climbs up to convince him to come down. Once realization sets in, Rand fears he’s going mad.

It’s probably just scurvy. They ain’t got no lemons.


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Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “I’m Free as a Bird – And This Bird You Cannot Kill!”

* Part 5 of 7 of the REDemption storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “I’m Free as a Bird – And This Bird You Cannot Kill!”! And go fuck yourself, Scott Lobdell, In the previous installment, which was almost the worst thing I have ever read, Starfire fights an alien named Crux who used to be a human until a Tamaran ship crashed into his parents, and so he injected himself with alien DNA and searched for Starfire until he found her. He couldn’t kick her ass, so he sent her to some cold tundra wasteland. I guess.

Meanwhile, Jason and Roy encounter an Untitled who is now looking to kill Jason because he meddled in his affairs. Those affairs just seem to be “hiding out on Earth so the All-Caste doesn’t get her”. I guess.

This is the worst comic series I’ve read so far. Three more issues left. Let’s slog through this poop swamp ASAP.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [March, 2012]
Written by: Scott Lobdell
“I’m Free as a Bird – And This Bird You Cannot Kill!”

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Oh no, Roy. Your orange girlfriend might be dead. You fucked each other once and now you’re going to cry. Serves you right for your many sins. God is always watching. Tsk tsk.

The first page is a whole novel about Crux and his beginnings and why he’s actually good and not bad, against all available evidence. He used to be Simon Amal. He just wanted to avenge the death of his parents, and he considers Starfire’s whole Tamaran race as collectively one big bad guy! And not just Tamarans – ANY aliens!

“He even gave up his own body for the cause. He injected himself with a series of gene strands that made him powerful enough to accomplish his mad goals.

Yeah, so it’s like a Batman origin story with some Spider-Man’s Norman Osborn thrown into the mix. How very original, guy. Next you should make him a shield that bears his unconditional love to the shitty ol’ United State of America.

And revenge was thusly exacted: he stripped Starfire of her powers and made her “human”, then dumped her in the cold. What a hero for the cause, sir. Did you slap her around too while you were at it?

While flying around in victory and triumph, Crux starts getting hit with a barrage of arrows and bolts of electricity! Raarrgghh! Brrahhgaahah! Hrrrnrnnrt! Gloooooob! And he falls to the ground, where Roy Harper McRobin Hood steps on his face and aims an arrow right at his chest. Harper, the genius that he always is, deduced that when Starfire gave off a huge Aurora Borealis-like effect and Crux was flying away from it, that maybe Crux had something to do with Starfire giving off a huge Aurora Borealis effect! So now he’s gonna get filled with arrows. Comic book over.

Oh, it’s not? Well that fucking sucks my huge asshole. He doesn’t kill Dragon Boy, but he does demand from him answers on where his little tart might be.

Crux is very quick to tell Harper all about it; such as “she’s by the lake” and “yep, please go by the lake”. That sounds like enough for even Harper to go off of, so he demands that Crux wait there for him, “and if I come back with anything less than a full Kori – with all her adorable orange fingers and toes…” he slams the pointy business end of the arrow into Crux’s shoulder, “…I’m going to kill you.”

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Oh boo hoo. Go shoot up some more DNA heroin.

In Middleton, Colorado, in the middle of nowhere, possibly snowglobe-related Red Hood is fighting an Untitled. I think they’re called “the Untitled” because Scott Lobdell left it blank with the intention to circle back to it, but later on he decided to be cute instead. Someone just try and prove me wrong about this. I will kick your scrawny fucking ass.

While they fight, Red Hood wonders what’s so special about Middleton, CO in the first place. Just a hick town with a boring name. Why couldn’t they fight in Boston? He could’ve had seafood.

“My siblings and I have abided by the treaty with the All-Caste for years!” the Untitled shrieks with its ugly, shrieky face. “Ducra should not have dispatched you to instigate on her behalf!”

Yeah, can’t argue with that one… but how about THIS!

*throws stinkbomb, accidentally drops in down his own pants*

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Really? You’re going to try and give me shit by assuming, almost correctly, that I’m not keeping up with all this dumb shit? Try writing a better comic book.

The Untitled calls Red Hood a liar for suggesting that the All-Caste had been slaughtered on his/her/its watch. Let alone by his/her/its hands! “I did no such thing. The All-Caste was the only institution in place that kept my siblings from an all-out war!”

Red Hood is convinced immediately by this rebuttal, and comes to the conclusion that they have both been tricked! Dash it all, Jeeves!

“One among the Untitled is lashing out at the others,” this particular Untitled claims. Do you think I believe this bitch? I don’t believe this bitch.

But why is Jason Todd, former Robin / Bruce Wayne’s sex slave, Mr. Red Hood with Many Outlaws, involved in any of this? Why? Why?? WHY? WHY??

It’s because Ducra wasn’t as forthright as initially assumed, that’s why. And we all thought she trusted Todd. HA! I wouldn’t trust him with his own bulbous and flaccid little– wait a minute! Why should he trust this thing at all?! How could anyone believe this bitch?!

OK, enough of that. I’m all hopped up on coffee and crushed-up Adderall that I snorted up into my various brain cavities. Roy Harper is traipsing through the tundra looking for the “love” of his “life” with her adorable orange vulva. “I don’t know Kori very well…” he admits. I’m tired of this guy. It really is because she let him make the sex with her. That’s all it’s about.

“KORI?!” he screams, looking for Haim OR Feldman even though one is dead. Maybe even Hart? He wears his sunglasses at night, so he might be bumping into things around here. Oh yeah, he’s looking for the orange one. Sorry, I’m barely paying attention.

He finds her slumped on the ground and barely icy. So he runs over to her all “HURHN HURHN HURHN” to cradle her in his freckled, pasty arms. He sticks an arrow in the ground and instructs it to magically start a fire. The arrow lights on fire. I didn’t know this guy had magic arrows. Did I know that? Did he need to shoot regular arrows into the sun in order to earn them? Heh heh. Zelda.

“Thank you, Roy Harper,” she manages to croak. “You are a kind man.”

THAT’S IT? NO BLOWJOB? *drops woman back on the ground*

They hug and share a moment and whatever. That is, until Crux comes back with a vengeance! He lifts Harper up by his freckled, pasty scruff and yells harsh words at him. “I ADMIT I MADE A MISTAKE,” he says menacingly. He thought HUMANS would hate the TAMARANS and now he sees this twerp cavorting lustily with one of them? TIME TO DIE and whatnot.

What’s Jason Todd up to? Oh yeah, the Untitled. OK, fine.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5

It’s because he cheated on the test. Check those crib notes stuffed in the sock, yo.

Well, it’s a flashback first. A flashback to when Jason was getting trained by the All-Caste. Specifically Ducra. See, I’m paying attention. He’s going through a trial where he’s submerged nude in a fountain, chest covered in what looks All-Caste tribal tattoos, beautiful hair a-flowin’. “You can’t stay down there forever, young man,” Ducra scolds. But he does stay there forever! Forever and day. Long enough for Ducra to be like “fuck this” and hoist him out of the fountain with her wrinkly 90,000-year-old arms.

“I suppose I should congratulate you,” she mutters, considering that he is a very special human who did what a veritable cavalcade of other special humans could NOT do. And that’s drown in a stinkin’ tub.

“Shut up and get dressed already. Your people await,” Ducra says before all but shoving Jason out on a stage where many All-Caste are bowing to him like he matters at all whatsoever to anyone ever. He’s not very good at public speaking. They don’t show it, but he probably says something like “My fellow praying people, welcome to the festivities. I am your host, Mr. Jason Todd, and I’m here to make your wildest dreams come true! For my first trick, I will enjoy your company. And furthermore–”

“You taught me to be an assassin, old lady, not a public speaker,” he says rather calmly. Not me. If I were pushed out to speak in front of large group of people I would be like “My fellow praying people, welcome to–”

But I didn’t and I’m happier for it. Jason and Ducra walk side-by-side through a lavish temple garden while he talks about how grateful he is for *insert some philosophical zen nonsense here*. That’s all well and good, blah blah blah blah blah, but what he really wants is something a little less dignified and a little more human.

“All I really want is to kill the man responsible for my murder!” he whines while punching a totem pole, lol, “I want to kill the Joker. And I want to make Batman – my guardian… my protector – suffer for not bothering to avenge my death!”

Ducra says something to the effect of “calm down, spaz. You’ll find out one day that all that revenge wishful thinking is stupid and dumb like your face, so bide your time.”

The Untitled thinks this is quite heartwarming, for sure, seriously. “So you are all that’s left of the mighty All-Caste? You are their final legacy? Pathetic.”

I agree with Mr. Untitled there! Pathetic!

Pathetic like a fox! Jason Todd pulls out two flaming daggers, making Untitled go “?!”. This is the part he trained for. Fuck Mr. Joker. Fuck Mr. Batsman. It’s nigh time to skewer the Untitled!

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Your truce is not with me! I am truce-proof!

The unflappable Untitled is really scared now for no obviously apparent reason. Maybe it’s afraid of fire? Or swords? Or preppy boys dressed in sweater vests and suits? SLASH. SLASH. OUCH. Die! Or get a title! Pick one right now!

Back to Roy Harper, who is currently fighting his own fight with the guy who turned himself into an unhappy dragon. “No one’s dying here today, Chuckles,” Harper decrees with a hearty kick to Crux’s ugly jaw! The onomatopoeia says “KICK”. That’s imaginative! Crux thinks it’s funny too; tells the kid that he’s just a useless stoner who sucks. Ouch.

“Let’s put your theory to test,” Harper says before initiating a secret timer on his backpack arrow quiver thing. “You think arrows are everything? You take them. Let me know how that works out for you.”

If this didn’t explain it enough, then here it is: Harper INITIATES a SECRET TIMER on his BACKPACK and he TRICKS Crux into HOLDING ONTO IT while HE AND STARFIRE GET AWAY and then the BACKPACK EXPLODES in his HAND.

“Self-destruct feature,” Harper thinks smugly.

SELF-DESTRUCT FEATURE.

Back to whatever the fuck is going on with Jason “Hot Toddy” the Toddman. He defeated the Untitled in less than two pages. Arrows are sticking out of its chest. It’s not dead, though, it’s just croaking and bitching. OK, now it’s dead. Heh. Gotta read ahead once in a while, huh.

Jason is now wondering who sent this particular Untitled, and how many other particular Untitleds are left. I’m not interested. I think Jason should go home and play Xbox and jerk it to some Hallmark Christmas movies.

The Untitled takes this opportunity, while being dead, to turn back into the sexy cop – a dead sexy cop – as in literally dead – and an angry mob immediately shows up.

The townsfolk are all “oh me, oh my” at their beloved sheriff lying deceased like a dumb, dead Untitled. One kid snaps a photo.

Jason Todd panics like the Bad Boy that he is. How’s he gonna get outta this one? *jangly banjo interlude*

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Shut up.

Roy Harper and Kori, they’re fine now. She has her powers back even though it’s weird that she does. It turns out she was experimented on during her captivity and she, as a result, has super-Tamaran powers. And this is info Crux didn’t know. That’s why they’re both alive now, probably. I don’t give a shit.

She zaps the seemingly unconscious Crux with purple light, “the living flame of a star”, which Roy thinks is a little much after they had already knocked him to the ground. No need to kick him while he’s down, right? Again, I don’t give a shit.

Jason pops out of nowhere and runs toward them. They have to get out of there NOW. There’s an angry bunch of rubes headed for him. I. Don’t. Care.

They need a plan, fast!

Don’t care.

Final Thoughts

I hate this comic. I’m so absolutely fucking BORED out of my mind that even the thrill of constantly making fun of it isn’t even helping, that’s how fucking bored I am.

But, for the good of the little people (THAT’S YOU, LITTLE PERSON), I need to continue for two more issues. I can make it. Wish me luck, little people. It’s a big world out there.


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Paper Girls, Issue #14

* Part 4 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 3 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #14! In the previous installment, Erin, Tiff, and Wari discover one of those violet portal foldings in the forest. Erin has an inkling about where it leads, which will turn out to be correct, so she writes the “DON’T TRUST OTHER ERIN!!! message on it, and we’ll probably see her stick that shit through the gloryhole.

Dr. Qanta “Don’tcha Wanta Fanta” Braunstein is in bad shape, hanging upside-down from a tree as a captive. One of the three cavemen picks up a translator and asks where is son is.

Mac and KJ find a strange floating alien pyramid. KJ touches it and sees a few images of the future (which will make sense as we go, I imagine). She also sees herself and Mac smoochin’, which is pretty adorable and I wish them the best.

Let’s keep going! This series is hella fun.

Paper Girls, Issue #14 [May, 2017]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #14

Three saber-toothed tigers are fighting a giant armadillo-type creature! Excitement! Action! Wari shoots an arrow right into one’s neck and Erin congratulates her jubilantly on a nice shot! Wari looks annoyed.

“Huh, never seen a breathing boulder this far north,” Wari says, referring to the giant armadillo-type creature. “The dream women must have called the beast here at the same time they summoned my boy and me.”

Erin calls it a giant armadillo, which makes me feel better about my decision to describe it. Wari asks Tiff to help her gut the dead saber-toothed tiger for a delicious meal. Tiff looks like she’s gonna puke. Erin is also hesitant to indulge in a bite of raw, extinct mammal. “Starve if you want,” Wari says as she slices through the animal with her arrow.

When the girls start hearing footsteps, Wari panics and tells the girls to run away with Jahpo (that’s the baby, by the way). They don’t want to leave Wari, so she accepts this right away and tells them to prepare for a possible death, then.

The footsteps come closer. Closer. Closer. Wari readies her arrow.

It’s scarier than anyone could ever imagine!

Paper Girls, Issue #14

Don’t worry, it’s just us paper girls bringin’ the good news!

Everyone is reunited yet again. Mac keeps her relief inside, it seems. KJ looks numb. After they’re asked if they’re all right, Mac tells them that “KJ just got bad-touched by some kind of floating pyramid.”

“I don’t know what it was, but it sucked,” KJ confirms glumly. Wari calls it the untranslatable. Not that it’s call that, mind you, but what she’s calling it IS untranslatable! Look, just read my rundown of the previous issue again. I know you’ve already read it seven times and told all your friends, but trust me on that one.

KJ is reminded of the Editrix that caused Tiff to relive her Arkanoid-playing days, but obviously THAT floating orb caused Tiff to see the past. The floating pyramid caused KJ to see the future. Keep this one in mind, I’m sure it’ll be very important! VERY important! VERY IMPORTANT!

“But… it was all wrong,” KJ says dully, referring to the inevitable future. “It showed me crap that I couldn’t possibly–”

HOLD THAT THOUGHT, SON. Mac tells the group that she and KJ found another time machine dealie! So let’s go kill Hitler! Or go back to 1988, whichever sounds easier.

They hear the distant screams of a female voice. Mac is immediately optimistic that this screaming woman will help them get home; she obviously came from the time machine, right?

Paper Girls, Issue #14

I don’t think they even had tradition back then.

Wari is convinced that the screaming woman was found by the three unwise men and they are now doing rapes at her as they speak. Just like Wari, and now each claims ownership of Jahpo the Baby. Awkward situation! “In my guild, tradition says that a mother must give up her child to whichever father is deemed the strongest.”

And just look to the picture to see how she feels about that.

Anyway, the scream happens again. That awful, womanly scream! “I’m sorry my son and I must go,” Wari says as she walks away not very sorry looking at all, “but if the three men are ‘enjoying’ themselves, they may have left their stolen treasure unattended elsewhere. Goodbye, interesting women. I’m glad you found your friends alive.”

Word of advice: Don’t worry about those screams. Go off and survive more, that would be a much better use of your time!

The scream is indeed coming from Dr. Qanta, who is still tied up and upside down. Two of the cavemen are holding her inches from a folding. “Reveal… where child is… or your head… goes in hole.”

Qanta takes this moment to pray to some gods even though she doesn’t really believe in them all that much, but this is what happens when you’re terrified and about to die. You’re like “oh shit, I hope God doesn’t hate me for these last few seconds!” But the joke is always on you. God always, ALWAYS, hates you. It’s a good lesson to learn!

So what’s next? Head doesn’t go in hole, that’s what. “HEAD GOES IN HOLE!” Caveman #3 shouts with bold letters, but head doesn’t go in hole. I know it won’t. The four paper girls are observing nearby in the bushes.

Paper Girls, Issue #14

Oh no, looks like the Sad Face Gang has some regerts!

“If we don’t do something, they’re going to murder that lady,” Tiff whispers, flailing for someone else to think of something. Mac points out, logically, that they’re all 12 years old and they don’t have any weapons. And the only girl with a weapon walked the fuck away with her baby. “How are we supposed to take on a whole gang of rapey cavemen?”

KJ has the right idea: they don’t have to physically beat them. They just have to get Qanta away from them. She’s going to go back to the Big Scary Pyramid. The other three will grab her and take her there while KJ waits… she just has to… uh… see some more of that gay kissin’ that was very appealing…

“What is she doin’?” Tiff exclaims, very worried.
“Actin’ insane ‘cause it’s that time of the month!” Mac yells with frustrated indignation!

“Last chance, Dream Woman,” Caveman #3 warns through Qanta’s space helmet. Qanta insists that she has no idea where the fuck their baby is! She doesn’t know any baby! What even IS a baby?!

Caveman #3 gets on his knees and starts begging. He doesn’t want to hurt her for realsies. He just wants his babby!

“HEY!” screams a voice – a little kid voice – from down the way. “Whatever you’re doing. Don’t…” KJ starts to panic a little bit. “…don’t do that.”

Then she runs. The three cavemen are like “HRUFMN” and they start chasing her, leaving Qanta hanging upside-down inches from the folding. The other three girls approach and start hacking the ropes off.

Paper Girls, Issue #14

1988! Ha! Super Mario Bros. 3 hasn’t even come out yet, you poor, poor children!

Qanta looks like she’s ready to cry because, obviously, she was not the first future human to enter this past era. Boo hoo. Go get abused by three cavemen about it, you little whiner.

As KJ is running away, mere yards ahead of three cavemen, she takes a moment to reflect upon the visions.

“I’m gonna kiss Mac?” she says to herself, eyes like dinner plates. She wonders why? Why would any girl kiss another girl? That’s crazy nuts! That’s some malarkey! The Torah forbids it! And also God and maybe even the Devil?

She approaches a large chasm, possibly about 100 feet from the river below, preventing her path forward. She looks back at the rapey, rapey cavemen and continues reflecting upon her girl-kissin’. Then she contemplates jumping.

“DON’T!” screams Helmet Caveman. The “nice” one. The one that will only rape gently. KJ takes the leap and…makes it to the other side of the chasm! Done and done. Bye bye, cavemen. See you on the flippity flop. Totally tubular.

The cavemen retreat. And that’s the last we’ll see of them forever! Guaranteed!

But, hey now, the rest of the group arrived at the Upside-Down Pyramid Scheme and KJ is nowhere to be found! “It’s from the fourth dimension,” Qanta explains while they’re all staring up at the ridiculous-looking thing with the weird tentacles and the luminous fairy dust. “Technically, it’s still there, I suppose, but it’s allowing part of itself to be observed by lowly 3D beings like us.”

Well, isn’t that nice of it? Qanta is enamored by the strange 4D object, so much so that Erin has to grab her titty and hold her back to keep from touching it and possibly seeing a future where she, I don’t know, also kisses Mac? And gets sent to jail.

OK, here’s the part where Dr. Qanta Scott Bakula Billy Pilgrim Desmond Hume Braunstein finally explains who she is and what she’s doing and, maybe, what’s going on with the hair.

Paper Girls, Issue #14

Ain’t no parent in this day got no kid named at ALL Qanta Braunstein!

Never mind, I guess. That didn’t explain shit! Also, being born two weeks after Trump won the election is pretty grim. Never even knew Obama’s America! Tan suits and summer playlists and drone strikes. Those were the days.

Mac doesn’t trust this woman as far as she can throw her, and since her bones are disintegrating with the dreaded cancer as we speak and live and breathe, I can say for sure that she can’t throw her very far. Also, she’s a kid and she’s like seven feet shorter than her besides. “Cool it, Mac,” Tiff raises an eyebrow at her brash “friend”. “I’m pretty sure this woman is on our side.”

Erin pulls out her Apple iPod Shuffle thing and shows it to Qanta, who sneers and wonders how a child from 1988, one of the worst years ever, has a device such as this. First of all, it was never even available for sale. The brain invasion feature gave people nightmares, and, at best, gave people directions to abandoned malls near Cleveland. Erin promises she’ll tell Qanta everything they know… as long as she helps them get out of this prehistoric hellhole. And Qanta is like, cool beans, but it’s going to take us to 2050 or something. Way past where you want to be. Global warming has wreaked havoc on Earth, so everyone moved to southern Ontario. And that place was already crowded… oh, and I guess Cleveland is ok too.

Paper Girls, Issue #14

Bidets so powerful that the water will shoot up and come right out of your mouth, it will!

A rustling in the woods causes an interruption in the time travel chat. At first it’s assumed to be KJ, but it’s Wari. And she is without child. “Wari! What happened? Where’s… where’s Jahpo?”

Jahpo is gone-o. The three cavemen got what they wanted.

Final Thoughts

Season 1 took place in 1988. Season 2 took place in 2016. Season 3 here takes place in 11,706 BCE. This is some Chrono Trigger shit.

Season 4 will likely take place in the 2050s or so. However, we have one issue left of this particular storyline! Hold on to your butts, kids. Hold on to them hard.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 23: “Wolfbrother”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

I thought this chapter was called “Wolfmother” at first, and the face I made? You don’t even want to know.

We continue following Perrin and Egwene as they stumble through the woods like a couple of dumb children. Because they are dumb children, OR they’re 28 years old. I still haven’t really figured that one out yet. Nevertheless, they take turns riding the horse even though Perrin is fat and the horse is small. There’s nowhere they can rent a car, so they keep walking in what they think is the direction toward Caemlyn.

Perrin catches a rabbit and tells Egwene to get her flint out, baby! We’re starting a fire. The Perrin takes a stinky dump in his pants after Egwene says that she had lost her flint in the river before he found her in the woods. That fire she made was from channeling the One Power. He is less than happy about this admission to witchery, and he demands that Egwene stops with the hoodoo post haste. She agrees, but only grudgingly and only to shut him up.

These two eventually come across the only man in the woods they’ll see within 400 miles in any direction. His name is Elyas and he’s got some hella yellow eyes, man. Wolf eyes, you might say. Wolf Eyes is a better band than Wolfmother, I’ll tell you that one for free.

Elyas’ four wolf buddies join them, and the friendly enough Elyas tells Perrin and Egwene to keep their traps shut and don’t appear to intend harm and they’ll be left alone. Elyas can talk to the wolves, or at least understand and work with them. Once upon a time, wolves and men were like this: *crosses fingers* But that was a long, long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away. And it doesn’t happen anymore. But Elyas is friends with the wolves! And, guess what? *points to Perrin* This guy is the only guy Elyas has ever met who has this gift as well. Perrin is like “WHAT? PLEASE NO!” but what’s done is done. Perrin, you’ve got moxie, my boy! The wolves think you’re dynamite!

After the wolves smell the stink of lies in Perrin and Egwene’s story of where they came from and why they’re going to Caemlyn, Perrin decides to fess up completely else they’ll get ravaged by the angry wolves. Perrin tells them everything. And I do mean everything. He pulls out his copy of The Eye of the World and reads to them the first 350 pages. Elyas and the wolves are intrigued, and Elyas allows Perrin and Egwene to stick with them. Arguably, they’re better off that way than alone. They’d probably die otherwise, lmao!

Understandably, Perrin and Egwene are quite apprehensive, but I’m not! This sounds like an incredibly interesting new path in the story. Perrin’s gonna talk to the wolves while Egwene frowns and grunts. You love to see it.


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