Calvin and Hobbes – April, 1986

Merry Christmas. Now that we got that out of the way, welcome to April, 1986! Clint Eastwood is elected fuckin’ mayor of a small California town. IBM creates the first megabit chip! Michael Jordan scores 63 points in one game! Geraldo Rivera finds nothing in Al Capone’s vault! The Chernobyl thing happens!

Is any of this Calvin’s fault? Absolutely! Especially the Chernobyl thing.

April 6, 1986 – The only reason Susie Derkins sits with Calvin during lunch day after day is because she they are madly in love with each other.

I knew a kid like this in elementary school. Every single lunch period was an exercise in attempting to get kicked out. One beautiful afternoon, this kid took forkful after forkful of mashed potatoes and sat on each one. Scoop. Sit. Scoop. Sit. He kept making “rrrghh” and “urrnngg” noises each time, moving his ass around to really squish it. We had never laughed harder.

That kid grew up to be an Olympic gold medalist, I couldn’t be more truthful about this. For the sake of anonymity I won’t drop his name, but let’s just say it rhymes with “Snarly Fight”.

April 7, 1986 – In Communist Russia, stupid lima beans eat you!

This strip likely saw some blowback from hardcore fans of the stars and stripes for even suggesting that Communist Russia could possibly be less awful than good old America the Beautiful, Land of the Free, Home of the Whopper. Especially from the mouths of babes! A babe like Calvin.

Dad got in touch with Uncle Vladimir, who offered to keep Calvin at his place for a month so he can experience the oppression of Russia first hand. He would have nothing to do but listen to Shostakovich and read Tolstoy. Doesn’t sound too bad, actually.

April 15, 1986 – Spaceman Spiff’s elementary school scum beings are always horrible tyrants.

Ms. Wormwood is ALWAYS some disgusting scum being. She looks old enough to have regretted more decisions than years I’ve been alive, and that’s at least eleven. Maybe even a couple dozen more!

Calvin is obviously pushing her into early retirement, but little does Ms. Wormwood know that Calvin will be perpetually six years old and the little hellion will be in her class for eleven more years. What did Ms. Wormwood do in a past life to deserve this torment? She probably killed a couple of presidents.

April 21, 1986 – Critical thinking is always more rewarding than direction-following.

Against all better logic and reason, Calvin had received a hammer for Christmas which has allowed to him wreak havoc upon anything that may come across his desk. Today it’s a model airplane, but what will it be tomorrow? Mercury-filled thermometers? Land mines? A box of chipmunks? Kid Cuisine TV dinners? His father’s flaccid penis?

Also, Calvin is a complete dingus because, according to what my two eyes perceive in Panel 2, the model airplane kit comes with exactly seven pieces and two decals. I’ve done model airplane kits with at least four more pieces than this and I only needed to whack it with a hammer once!

April 26, 1986 – ♫♪♫ and I feel fine… ♪♪

More heavy subject matter! Calvin probably saw that one atomic bomb commercial with the girl and the flower one too many times and now looks to his stuffed tiger for comfort. The thing about letting the air out of the tires is certainly a deflection.

I’m not old enough to remember any of the Cold War era, but it must have been pretty fucked up to wake up every single morning and remember that a nuclear missile hitting your face wasn’t out of the question. I wonder how people with anxiety coped with living in the world. Probably by killing themselves like they cope with it in the 21st century.

April 28, 1986 – I never Warsaw this joke coming.

I always liked this one. Very clever! I’ve written over 800,000 words worth of “jokes” for this dumbass website and I’ve never come with anything as clever as “KRAKOW! KRAKOW! TWO DIRECT HITS!” So concise, too! It would’ve taken Mary Worth an entire 19-month story arc to land this joke and it would’ve been botched.

Susie Derkins knows better than to cheat during a test, though. Perhaps she spent too much of yesterday evening eating Saltines and watching test patterns on TV to remember to bone up on her Poland knowledge.

That’s it for April, 1986! Stay tuned for May when Calvin derails a train, cracks Dad’s glasses, and aids and abets Osama bin Laden’s agenda.

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Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “Avengers vs. Uncanny X-Men GO!”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Revolution storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #3 – “Avengers vs. Uncanny X-Men GO!”! And let me fucking tell you, I am NOT pleased that the Avengers have bothered to show up in my X-Men adventure! Keep that shit separate, I don’t care if they just fought each other in a nine-year long war or whatever pre-2013.

Pah.

Anyway, in the previous installment, Emma Frost and Scott Summers have a little chat about their trust in one another, her inability to read his thoughts anymore, and his inability to stop thinking about humping Jean Grey in the mouth now that she can’t read his thoughts anymore! Insecurities abound.

The four new recruits have varying levels of acceptance with their new “mutants have to be mutants and help fight and you can’t return to your own life and see your family ever again”. This dynamic is the most entertaining part of the series for me so far.

And then the Avengers show up in Australia to stop the revolution-mongers. Let’s see if we can get them to shove the hell right off.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [May, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Avengers vs. Uncanny X-Men GO!”

On the cover, Magneto is rudely breaking apart the “Uncanny X-Men” title, proving once again that he is a Rude Gus and I, for one, will not tolerate it.

It’s flashback time. You can tell it’s a flashback because everything is in black and white, the universal monochrome designator for past events. Eva Bell, the Time-Stopping Girl, the Aussie, Tempus or Whatever, she’s giving a presentation in front of her class about who she admires most.

She admires Captain America like a fucking idiot. First of all, why anyone would admire anything about America is beyond my American understanding. Second of all, Captain America, with his IQ of 41, is the perfect embodiment of America and its people, values, and beliefs. Why anyone would admire anything about that is also beyond my (IQ of 38) American understanding.

Nevertheless, she continues: “Everybody loves him because he is an awesome superhero who does awesome things and everybody loves that he is an Avenger and everybody loves the Avengers.”

This presentation gets a big fat F from me. Good God.

Eva also admires him because if she were frozen in a block of ice and everyone she knew and loved were dead, she wouldn’t handle it with as much tact. But he did. And he doesn’t freak out too hard about it, which is cool and neat.

She also wishes they had an Australian superhero counterpart, but they don’t. So, maybe, just maybe, some day, possibly, *fart*, she’ll be the Australian counterpart. Hey, it could happen! As long as the Bad X-Men don’t sway her to the dark side with their Cyclops persuasion techniques (accidentally shooting eyeball fire at a group of kittens).

“If I ever grow up and get super powers, I will try very hard to be like Captain America except Australian. Thank you.”

Well, that was certainly a bonzer. A real fair suck of the sav. Good onya, Eva. Now sit the hell down. You get a D- and be grateful.

In the present, in Gold Coast, Australia, Eva is like “well shit, mate” when the Avengers descend upon them and demand an audience with Scott “Genocide” Summers. Also Emma “Genocide: The Reckoning” Frost. The group of young ducklings are starstruck. I’m not.

Ha, the old switcheroo! Cap’s brain will explode like Scanners!.

When Summers accuses Captain America of also being responsible for the death of Charles Xavier, Captain America goes “BRRT!” and Hawkeye wants to hear more about that piece of juicy business.

Again, I have to complain that the Avengers are here and I blame Magneto for tipping off S.H.I.E.L.D. Fuck that buzzkill.

“Avengers,” Frost begins with pointedness, “which one of us would you say is responsible for intercepting and accidentally breaking a deadly cosmic force and injecting it, involuntarily may I remind all of you, into us?”

BRRT!

“Creating an overwhelming environment where we couldn’t control ourselves?”

BRRT!

“Because you know who wasn’t responsible? It wasn’t Cyclops and it wasn’t me.”

BRRRRRT! Frost makes good points here, and she goes on to to HEAVILY FINGER Tony Stark himself for most of the blame. He doesn’t like that and he gets in her face about it like a completely guilty person would. “So it’s my fault that you took that power and did horrible things with it?”

When asked to take responsibility for his own terrible actions, Stark exclaims that he already did. The Phoenix is gone. You’re welcome. Your turn.

Scott Summers asks for a moment. Hawkeye turns to Stark and reminds him that, yeah, he did break the Phoenix in the first place. Stark tells him to shut the hell up before he makes him eat his own butt. Just pack all that butt meat right into the pie hole of his.

Are you sure? Please?

The Avengers wait rather patiently, sort of, for the X-Men to plot their next moves.

“First of all, you couldn’t kill him,” Scott tells Illyana.
“I so could.”
“I want you ready to transport us out of here the second anything gets–”
“So now my mutant name is MagicBus?”

Heh heh. MagicBus. Illyana finally concedes, and outfits Summers in his Cyclops jammies by waving her big sword vaguely in a direction.

Eva is still talking to her mother, which is where she was at the end of the last issue. She tells Mom to get back in the house and mind her own bizzo. Mom tells Eva that she’s got kangaroos loose in the top paddock; plus, the Hulk is standing right there. Shit!

Captain Marvel approaches Cyclops and tries to do some of that “think of all the good times we had! I certainly don’t hate the X-Men! Let’s hash this out like adults, what do you say?”

Scott Summers is on to her game. NO!

Captain America wonders why there are constantly attacked police and government officials in the X-Men’s wake. Frost insists that they aren’t looking for fights, they are just protecting the mutant children that the government wants to harm. Back and forth back and forth back and forth.

He who slept on it stepped on it.

Since this is Uncanny X-Men, and not a stinky Avengers title, it’s going to be the X-Men who are going to have the edge in this argument. “Rogers, I am sure you’d like to think we’ve come far in this world from your glory days during World War II, but I’m telling you firsthand, we have not. If you are a mutant in this world, you are guilty until proven innocent. If you are different, if you are like us, they will send the police, they will send the Avengers. And they will do everything they can to knock you down and then decide what to do with you.”

Summers has a point here, of course, which Hawkeye feebly tries to rebut. A crowd has now been drawn, and Summers continues to stand there and be heard! Preach, sister! Let it all out!

“Shame on you, Captain America. For not seeing that by doing nothing you are guilty as the worst one of them.

Captain America refuses to be shamed, and tells his buddy Scott that Wolverine would beg to differ. Also, his brother, Alex “Havok” Summers. Also, Marc Summers, probably.

Captain Marvel pleads one more time for Scott to stop, but Scott will not stop! He must not stop! He, for the sake of Charles Xavier, wants Captain Marvel to join them in their little revolution.

They are interrupted by a gushing Eva Bell.

“Excuse me, Mr. Captain America, my name is Eva Bell. This is my house. I’m, yeah, I’m a mutant. He’s– Cyclops is telling the truth. The minute I got my powers, the police– they tried to arrest me at gunpoint.”

Also Benjamin. Also Christopher. Also Mr. Bouncy Balls. Tony Stark starts to backpedal and mansplain that people are naturally fearful of that which they do not understand. Oldest excuse in the book! That’s some page one stuff in that big book! Why should the X-Men let them continue to be fearful? Let them continue to oppress, suppress, repress, undress, and caress? Nein!

Hawkeye draws a blunted arrow, says “Screw this”, and aims it right between Cyclops’ eyes at point blank range. Real jerk move, Robin Hood. BUT, he witnessed Cyclops kill the bald cripple, so now he must die. No one try and stop him else you get a face full of bow and arrow bullets.

Cyclops doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what they think. He doesn’t care about ANYTHING! Revolution time! Get out of his way or have the Hulk sit on their heads or whatever it is you think you want to do.

“Fine,” says Captain America with a total lack of irony, “You are under arrest for the murder of Charles Xavier.”

OH, IS HE NOW?! Who died and made you the under-arrestor? Everyone on both sides looks at Cap like he’s from Mars. Cyclops uses this as an opportunity to retaliate in kind, to let him really have it. It’s gonna get dangerous! He stands there silently and revs up…

“Go to hell.”

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if they were stuck like that forever? Even after the sun becomes a red dwarf, engulfs the sun, goes supernova, and then the heat death of the universe happens a hundred trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion years later. God, that would be so awesome.

The fight begins. But not really, because before a fight can begin the Timeless Australian panics and freezes the entire Avengers team in its tracks. Nicely done, kid. Fuck those assholes.

“Well done, young one. You get to pick dinner,” Frost congratulates her protégé. It’s gonna be vegemite. Again.

Cyclops is all like “see?” Then he transmits a message to mutantdom with respect to the Avengers’ desire to undermine them and be complete dillholes about everything.

Now’s Eva’s chance to say the goodbye she was supposed to say before the Dork Patrol showed up. Mom thinks this is her own fault, like she wasn’t a good enough mother, like they should’ve gone to church more often. Then maybe Eva wouldn’t be manipulating time so much. This is lack of church’s fault.

“Don’t sell my stuff,” Eva says before Illyana disappears the lot of them from the land down under. G’day.

They’re all back at the All-New Xavier School for Uncanny X-Children. The kids ooh and aah over what they were just part of, yada yada yada, but Cyclops is focused on why the Avengers knew they were hanging out in Australia. Captain America’s A-Team, yo. They weren’t just there on vacation, that would be quite a coincidence! No no no, someone tipped them off. Someone magnetic! I guess we’ll never know.

Illyana points out that they didn’t even know they were going to visit Australia until moments before they left. Sounds to me like it might be the guy who knew they were going but then backed out. Someone magnetic! I guess we’ll never know.

“I did,” says a voice, referring to the telling-someone-part. It’s Magneto. He’s magnetic. I also think it’s pretty funny that he showed up and copped to it before any of them even had a real chance to suspect him. lol. A real brainy operation they’ve got here.

You get over here right now. I will spank your ass ruddy.

“There is a new Sentinel program. We are victims of it,” Magneto says, beginning a soliloquy of defensiveness and/or playing both sides and/or listening to himself talk. The government is spending a lot of money again to try and kill them. Let’s find out who and why!

Cyclops doesn’t understand what this has to do with selling them out to the Avengers. Sounds a lot like the government selling them out to the Sentinels, if you ask me. Magneto has some real ‘splainin’ to do.

OK, full disclosure: fuck you, Scott. You ruined everything! So Magneto told S.H.I.E.L.D. all about what you were doing to gain their trust! Does that sound positively not-flimsy?? I’m glad we can be buds again.

“This is unacceptable, Erik,” Scott complains. I have a feeling he’ll change his tune in about fourteen panels, especially since Frost disagrees (and we all know where in her he wants to stick it). Magneto agrees that it’s acceptable! S.H.I.E.L.D. trusts him now; he couldn’t tell the rest of them yet or it would’ve blown his cover; they gave me a bunch of baseball cards as a thanks! Everything is cool.

This all doesn’t sit well with Cyclops because Magneto lone-wolfed this decision and Cyclops is supposed to be the self-appointed leader here, dagnabbit. Stop leaving him out of everything, Erik the Magnet. It’s not jake. It’s less than jake.

Magneto is done with this conversation! Everything worked out fine! Let’s watch some TV! Oh, it’s the news! I’m sure it doesn’t have anything relevant to report, let’s just turn–

“My daughter is a good girl. And– and– and this Scott Summers made some good points. The Avengers and all that – they seem awfully threatened.”

Hey, Eva’s mom looks pretty good on TV! And Scott settles down a bit. OK, fine, the public is already starting to side with Not-the-Avengers a little bit. +1 EXP on the revolution, as Ms. Marvel might say. Maybe +3.

If two X-Men bone and no one is around to see it, does it actually happen?

Frost convinces Scott, finally, to listen to his good ol’ buddy Erik and start lightening the fuck up. He smiles coyly in a lightening-the-fuck-up manner.

“The Australian National Guard is on its way and are asking for anyone in the area to please stay away,” says the reporter in front of the large blue ball that the Avengers are still time-trapped within. While they’re trapped, Illyana suggests going to Avengers Tower and clogging up all the toilets with their mutant feces. Scott finds this to be an attractive idea, but maybe not the part about pooping in their building.

“Students. Go settle in and make yourselves at home. The faculty is going on a field trip…”

The field trip isn’t where I thought it was going to be! They go back to the real mutant school. The actual mutant school. Not the rinky-dink, shoddy operation that Cyclops thinks they all have going.

They go the grounds of the Jean Grey School of Malfunctioning Danger Rooms for reasons that are unknown in Issue #3! Onward to Issue #4!

“…to me, my X-Men…” Cyclops smiles while a group of young students cower.

Final Thoughts

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO THERE?! ARE THEY GONNA FIND BEAST AND KITTY PRYDE AND WOLVERINE AND *checks roster* CYCLOPS?

Wait, not Cyclops.

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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 22: “A Path Chosen”

A transitional chapter, to be sure. It was very short, and nothing happens except that Perrin makes a decision.

Thus far, Perrin has been presented as a little bit slow. “A Path Chosen” is his first point-of-view chapter, and he’s only slow because he’s thoughtful. After having survived the swim across the river and trying for some shut-eye, he wakes up in his makeshift mattress of cedar pine needles weary of getting poked and being soaked to the bone. He spends some time going over his options and wondering where the rest of his group may be — especially Egwene, who was with him before he plunged into the river.

Shortly, Perrin finds Egwene in front of a small fire. They discuss their options, decide that Moiraine is adept enough to find them wherever they may end up even if they construct a rocket out of saplings and beaver hides and fly up to Mars. So, instead of heading to Whitebridge and staying there waiting to be found, Perrin suggests heading straight to Caemlyn. If Moiraine doesn’t find them there, then it’s off to Tar Valon by themselves.

Perrin is used to Egwene shooting down his ideas and taking the reigns herself, so he’s surprised when she agrees with his plan. Off they go.

And off I go. I’m getting some Ritz Bits.

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There Are Simply WAY Too Many Flag Rules (Part 2)

The ’90s were unquestionably a golden age.

Merry Christmas to all you patriots and dumbfuck Ultra-MAGA assholes! Get off my website! Now for the rest of you, here’s the second installment of my multi-part series where I pick apart the United States Flag Code and mock it mercilessly, seven months after Part 1! If my goal was to squeak this in before the end of 2022, then I succeeded with flying colors!

Click here for Part 1.

§7. Position and manner of display

We’re going to hit the ground running with another super-meaty section! Strap on, this one is chock full of completely insane, obsessive-compulsive bullshit.

–The flag, when carried in a procession with another flag or flags, should be either on the marching right; that is, the flag’s own right, or, if there is a line of other flags, in front of the center of that line.
We’re cooking with gas already! In order to relentlessly hammer in the point with respect to the UNDENIABLE GOD-GIVEN SUPERIORITY of the country of the United States of America on this stupid planet (amen), the flag must always look the most important and the most superior! Ergo, get out your rulers and make sure the flag is located at the exact angles and positions of 4th-dimensional space compared to other nation’s flags! Or face up to 900 years in prison without parole.

–The flag should not be displayed on a float in a parade except from a staff, or as provided in subsection (i) of this section.
The staff, under no circumstances, will be made from peppermint candy nor hardened feces. And for the love of God, people, please do not use your erect penis either. We have been trying to crack down on this behavior with more ferocity lately, it’s becoming a big problem.

This nimrod’s shield doesn’t have the necessary 50 stars! Throw him in the brig!

–The flag should not be draped over the hood, top, sides, or back of a vehicle or of a railroad train or a boat. When the flag is displayed on a motorcar, the staff shall be fixed firmly to the chassis or clamped to the right fender.
This section says nothing about dragging the flag on the road behind you, as will likely happen if you must fix the flag firmly to the chassis or the fender. You may as well wrap it around the fucking undercarriage and tie the thing in a big, clunky knot.

–No other flag or pennant should be placed above or, if on the same level, to the right of the flag of the United States of America, except during church services conducted by naval chaplains at sea, when the church pennant may be flown above the flag during church services for the personnel of the Navy. No person shall display the flag of the United Nations or any other national or international flag equal, above, or in a position of superior prominence or honor to, or in place of, the flag of the United States at any place within the United States or any Territory or possession thereof: Provided, that nothing in this section shall make unlawful the continuance of the practice heretofore followed of displaying the flag of the United Nations in a position of superior prominence or honor, and other national flags in positions of equal prominence or honor, with that of the flag of the United States at the headquarters of the United Nations.
Did anyone read all this? Jesus Jumping-Jack Christ, that’s a lot of unnecessary verbiage! Let me paraphrase this one in two short sentences: Don’t fly the fucking flag lower than any other fucking flag. Don’t fly the fucking flag at the same level as any other fucking flag, either.

There, was that so hard?

–The flag of the United States of America, when it is displayed with another flag against a wall from crossed staffs, should be on the right, the flag’s own right, and its staff should be in front of the staff of the other flag.
It should be on the right, on your left, on the flag’s own right, on your left if the flag is on your own right (on your left) and only if the the left flag is on the the right (your left) and on its own left (your left) AND your right.

Now don’t fuck it up.

This couldn’t be less appropriate, kiddo. Into the brig with you!

–The flag of the United States of America should be at the center and at the highest point of the group when a number of flags of States or localities or pennants of societies are grouped and displayed from staffs.
Don’t ever forget that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts! Raise that flag higher than any state flag. In fact, make sure you never have any of the flags of the good states above any of the lesser, more disgraceful states. Keep the Mississippi flag on the bottom at all times, preferably buried in the dirt.

–When flags of States, cities, or localities, or pennants of societies are flown on the same halyard with the flag of the United States, the latter should always be at the peak. When the flags are flown from adjacent staffs, the flag of the United States should be hoisted first and lowered last. No such flag or pennant may be placed above the flag of the United States or to the United States flag’s right.
This is basically a repeat of the rule immediately above it, which means the government really needed to stress the importance of American flag elevation. This one sprinkles in some added flavor: the part about the stars and stripes being the first and the last to be taken care of. I suggest grabbing a friend and having a fun race! At the same time you can hoist the Vermont flag, your friend can hoist the American flag, and you can try to make them nervous by attempting to move faster than them! Inching your way ever closer above theirs. If even one millimeter of the Vermont flag accidentally rises higher, the CIA will snipe you and your buddy through the brainpan. Fun!

–When flags of two or more nations are displayed, they are to be flown from separate staffs of the same height. The flags should be of approximately equal size. International usage forbids the display of the flag of one nation above that of another nation in time of peace.
I’m starting to think that world harmony starts with eliminating so many of these insecure laws. Never mind the fact that there’s no such thing as “time of peace”. One nation above that of another nation? So any two nations? Since Ukraine and Russia are duking it out, does this mean you can legally fly the flag of Burkina Faso over the flag of Papua New Guinea? Because screw Papua New Guinea! Burkina Faso all the way.

–When the flag of the United States is displayed from a staff projecting horizontally or at an angle from the window sill, balcony, or front of a building, the union of the flag should be placed at the peak of the staff unless the flag is at half-staff. When the flag is suspended over a sidewalk from a rope extending from a house to a pole at the edge of the sidewalk, the flag should be hoisted out, union first, from the building.
What if I skewer a corner of the thing with a fishing hook and cast it over a powerline, allowing it to billow in 40 mph winds? Where should the union be placed then, smart guy?

“Betsy, my dear, the flag you just spent 45 days working on looks like utter shit. And keep those filthy little urchins away from it.”

–When displayed either horizontally or vertically against a wall, the union should be uppermost and to the flag’s own right, that is, to the observer’s left. When displayed in a window, the flag should be displayed in the same way, with the union or blue field to the left of the observer in the street.
I’m starting to get quite annoyed by all these fucking rules. When displayed diagonally cross-wise from the north-northwest vantage point, the union shall be widdershins from the location in your pants where your dick is dressed. Eat my shit, America.

–When the flag is displayed over the middle of the street, it should be suspended vertically with the union to the north in an east and west street or to the east in a north and south street.
What if I’m driving down Burnt Knob Street in Slab Falls, Missouri and I see a flag suspended horizontally? Do I alert the obese mayor? Who goes to jail for this blunder? Does someone get the electric chair, or is there some kind of ironic punishment. Like, their neck gets snapped and their head gets twisted around facing the wrong away in the casket? Because that would be reasonable and fair.

When the American flag adorns a hamburger, make sure that the meat is ground chuck on a bun WITHOUT sesame seeds. WITHOUT.

–When used on a speaker’s platform, the flag, if displayed flat, should be displayed above and behind the speaker. When displayed from a staff in a church or public auditorium, the flag of the United States of America should hold the position of superior prominence, in advance of the audience, and in the position of honor at the clergyman’s or speaker’s right as he faces the audience. Any other flag so displayed should be placed on the left of the clergyman or speaker or to the right of the audience.
Yeah yeah yeah, we get it. The American flag is the most important symbol in the universe. 125 billion galaxies, each containing 100 billion stars and, therefore, AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 100 billion planets. With 1.25×10²² planets, chances are good that many of them sustain intelligent life with their own nations and cultures and religious traditions. And the American flag is the most important, second to nothing. And I urge anyone reading this to lay one flat on the ground and take a huge, ugly dump all over it.

–The flag should form a distinctive feature of the ceremony of unveiling a statue or monument, but it should never be used as the covering for the statue or monument.
What does this even mean? Does this mean that, during the unveiling of a statue or monument, that the American flag should draw attention away from the unveiling? Like, “here’s the brand new monument, and here’s the American flag over here! Look over here, ladies and gentlemen! Ooooooh, aaaaaah!! Stop looking over there and look over here! REVEL IN ITS MAJESTY! Wow! Woooooww!!”

It seems that §7 was unreasonably long! I’m going to have to table this for now and spill it over into a Part 3. Stay tuned, I may or may not get around to it in six months!

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A Christmas Story (1983)

Tagline:
Peace. Harmony. Comfort and Joy… Maybe Next Year.

Wide Release Date:
November 18, 1983

Directed by:
Bob Clark
Screenplay by:
Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, Bob Clark
Produced by:
René Dupont, Bob Clark

Starring:
Peter Billingsley
Ian Petrella
Melinda Dillon
Darren McGavin

PREGAME THOUGHTS

This is the best Christmas movie of all time. Don’t give me your It’s a Wonderful Life or your Mircale on 34th Street. Don’t give me your Bad Santa or your Elf. And go fuck yourself with your National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

It’s A Christmas Story and you know it. Ho ho ho.

THE 200(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

The plot is loosey-goosey, to use a technical term! Set it 1940, the movie tells the tale of young Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley) and his one Christmas wish: to receive an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle. Throughout the movie, Ralphie is told by his mother, his teacher, and a department store Santa Claus that he’ll shoot his eye out if he gets such a BB gun. This is the main narrative, but there are many other little plot points woven in such as Ralphie’s encounters with the school bully, a Little Orphan Annie radio show secret decoder ring, Dad winning a leg lamp in a contest, Ralphie uttering the word “fuck” in front of Dad, and Christmas dinner ruined by dogs.

Spoiler alert: Ralphie gets the gun for Christmas and he breaks his glasses after the first shot he takes ricochets off a metal pole (“Oh my God, I shot my eye out!”). In the end, he lies about his injury and gets to keep the gun. He sleeps with it in his hands at the end of the movie.

You’re getting a BB right in the nuts, Dad.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — My Christmas Wish

I’ve never wanted a BB gun in my life. My dad already owned one for shooting squirrels in the backyard, but I never used it! No, no, no.

I was 14 years old when I wanted something more than I ever wanted something in my life, and that was a Nintendo 64. It was 2001, the GameCube had been out for about a month, but I didn’t want a fuckin’ GameCube. I wanted a Nintendo 64! And I spent a lot of that Christmastime fretting about what I would do if I didn’t get one. I would’ve lost my shit. Keep playing my GameBoy Color? Where am I, a third-world country?

Unlike Mom, I wanted an N64 for Christmas and not a bar of delicious red soap.

Most of December was spent imagining all the games I would be playing. Super Smash Bros.! Super Mario 64! Paper Mario! Ocarina of Time! Majora’s Mask! Diddy Kong Racing! Pokémon Snap, man, Pokémon Snap. I wanted to play Pokémon Snap. I could FEEL the stupidly shaped controller in my hands with the really cheap joystick. The wait was interminable.

Yes, friends, this story has a happy ending! I received the coveted game console along with copies of Super Smash Bros. and Super Mario 64 and played the shit out of them. Eventually I would purchase all the games I’d had my eyes on, believe you me. I also bought Gex: Enter the Gecko starring comedian funnyman Dana Gould! I am not chagrined at all to admit that.

TOPIC 2 — 24 Hours of A Christmas Story

It seems that TNT and/or TBS have been doing this on a yearly basis since 1996, which means there hasn’t been a single Christmas since I first watched the movie that A Christmas Story wasn’t running back-to-back between 8pm December 24th and 8pm December 25th.

That’s too much fucking Christmas Story. Nobody’s happy about it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’d spend every Christmas Day checking in on this movie. As far as holiday traditions go, I can’t think of anything more comforting than the guaranteed existence of A Christmas Story on TV while I fuck around with whatever toys, games, or books I got that day. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve only seen this in its entirety once in video format. Everything else I’ve pieced together over the last 26 years through random viewings during the 24-hour marathon! And it’s a perfect movie to watch in this format. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

For the scene in which Flick’s tongue sticks to the flagpole, a hidden suction tube was used to safely create the illusion that his tongue had frozen to the metal.
Well, this pretty much ruined everything for me. I really wanted the kid playing Flick, who went on to play Dr. Von Hasachub in New Wave Hookers 5 and Agent Big Knob in Booby Trap, to have an authentic tongue-frozen-to-metal-pole experience! Ironic that, years later, women would have an authentic tongue-to-pole experience with Flick on-screen.

Stop licking the pole, Flick. It’s the other way around! The other way around, damnit!

Darren McGavin ad-libbed the profane rants while fighting with the furnace. He said he speaks gibberish the entire time because it was almost impossible for him to ad-lib angry words without actual profanity. He did this in order to ensure a “PG” rating.
How many takes did they have to do before McGavin decided it was best to sound like Yosemite Sam? I imagine Joe Pesci had to do the same thing in Home Alone

According to Peter Billingsley (young Ralphie) in the DVD commentary, the nonsensical ramblings that Ralphie exclaims while beating up Scut Farkas were scripted, word for word.
While McGavin had to improvise his gibberish, Billingsly had to memorize scripted gibberish! It’s only fair that kids need to work harder for Mom and Dad’s paycheck in Hollywood.

Don’t be a Scut Farkas, kids. He looks like he smells bad.

The family eats meatloaf, red cabbage, and mashed potatoes for dinner every night. The only time they didn’t eat it was Christmas Day, when they went to Bo Ling’s.
Ahh, I remember my ’40s childhood, living like Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory while my four rapidly aging grandparents shared one bed. My dad would bring home 30 cents per day from the salt mines and the only time I didn’t eat red cabbage was when I went to Bo Ling’s. This movie is very relatable.

Yo, I’m 35 years old and I still eat this way.

Peter Billingsley, at the age of 12, was given real Chewing Tobacco (Big Chief) by the prop manager for his scene when Ralphie is dreaming of being a Sheriff confronting Black Bart. Afterwards he got sick for an hour on the set. They thought it was a better idea to give him raisins to chew and make brown spit instead of real chewing tobacco.
“Here kid, we’re going to give you a handgun to play with too instead of that pussy BB shit.”

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Fuck yes. Fuck yes 1000 times. Do it the correct way and pop in every 40 minutes on TBS throughout Christmas Day. I suggest doing this even if you’re Jewish, Muslim, or even a loathsome, rotten atheist. Make it part of your new tradition. Do it or pay the price. I know where you live.

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