Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #4! In the previous installment, the Avengers show up in Australia to argue with Cyclops for about ten years before Eva decides to time-freeze them in the land of kangaroos and giant spiders. Where they remain to this day!
Magneto shows up to confess his sins, but he claims he did it to get the government on his side! Now they can really fuck shit up! I agree. And I hope they do.
After Cyclops cools down and Emma Frost convinces him that Magneto done good, they pay a visit to the Jean Grey School of Real Mutant Studies and Not Whatever the Hell Scott Summers Thinks He’s Doing. It’s unclear why they’re there. We’ll see now, though!
Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [June, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Welcome to Comic Book Artistry 101. Note Illyana on the cover. It’s not enough to have a bare midriff, exposing her soft torso to all manner of fatal attacks such as ax-chopping or large-wooden-stick-impalement, but it’s also practical to have a circle of fabric cut from her top in order to expose cleavage. This is what we call “fanservice to the mouthbreathers”.
“I’m not here to fight,” Cyclops claims, standing in a pose reminiscent of that famous screenshot of Brad Pitt from Fight Club except for the exposed rippling abdominal muscles! “We’re not here to fight anyone. Especially not fellow mutants. We are here to clear the air as best we can and make you an offer.”
It’s a trap! Smite the motherfucker! Send him packing. Hit him with the BFG9000 that you first found in E3M3: Pandemonium! Something!
“Scott Summers, you are out of your mind,” exclaims a wide-eyed Kitty Pryde, who cannot even begin to fathom how out of his mind Scott Summers is! HA CHA CHA CHA!
Later, Pryde assembles her posse of not-out-of-their-mind Jean Grey School X-Men, such as the ice guy, the storm lady, and a pink-haired man. Emma Frost’s creepy Stepford Cuckoos are there looking like the twins from The Shining except there are three of them. Frost tells them they look well. They tell her to go to hell.
Gah! Dowse them in gasoline! Set them on fire! Keep them away from me, for the love of everything that is sacred and holy and filled with candy.
The first thing that gets pointed out, as it’s been pointed out many times already, is that Cyclops murdered Charles Xavier. Oh boo hoo, that guy was a jerk. I heard Ol’ Strong Legs was known to repeatedly kick his wife. Just a dropkick down the stairs! But I suppose they were all witnesses to this murder? Hard to argue with that, unless Cyclops has Memory Manipulating Laser Eyeballs. And I don’t think he does. I checked my notes and he can barely tie his shoes.
Cyclops admits that, yes, maybe he did a teensy murder in front of everyone. But who hasn’t in this day and age? But hey, maybe he didn’t! Did you guys ever think of that? “Do you think that I set out to murder a man who raised me?”
Yeah, I dunno? Maybe? You’re acting weird, so it’s possible.
While Cyclops attempts to reason with people who hate his guts, Frost spends a lot of time telepathically communicating with her Cuckoo Clocks of Doom. The Cuckoos can’t believe the Jerk X-Men are there to try and recruit them. Frost insists that, after all they’ve done for them, they should toe the fucking line!
“Girls, I know you think you hate me. I know you think you don’t need me. But no one on this planet understands you better than I,” Frost starts gettin’ all persuasive-like with it. Looking like she might have the upper hand here. What a fool.
One of the triplets tells her to go to hell again, but the other two are like “we missed you mommy”. They just feel betrayed and abandoned is all. And now that Frost is back… she seems abnormal. Like maybe her powers aren’t working correctly! That might be a huge factor in this right now.
Thank you for finally asking for it! Wolverine, get the shovel.
Cyclops continues trying to talk his way out of being an idiot, but we all know that’s a fruitless venture. I see that Wolverine looks like he’s ready to take Cyclops up on his “kill me” offer. Even when Cyclops was good Wolverine still would’ve been happy to do it.
“You don’t have your powers anymore, do you?” says Creepy Cuckoo #2 with a Creep Cuckoo Grin. It’s awful. “You can’t read our minds.”
Oh shit. Uhhh… “Girls, be nice.” Heh. Well, that’s quite a reaction. “The only reasons she can hear our thoughts is because we’re letting her,” continues Cuckoo #3, whose smug disposition suggests some real toying around is about to commence. Frost freaks out a little.
So what kind of thought-manipulation do they delve into here? They throw Frost into a mind void. Just a bunch of white nothing. Describes me pretty well too, don’t you think?
“You keep thinking we’re trying to impress you,” says Cuckoo #78 or whatever, appearing as a very large vision looming over the slightly scared woman. Frost still thinks this. It’s all very impressive after all, you gotta admit. Some scary serial killer shit. Here’s the upper hand part: the girls finally have some power over Frost. They can finally see what makes her tick. And they can finally get into her brain without getting blocked. Strap on those boots, they’re going in!
Get off me, Scott! No means no! No means no! Ahhh!! No no no! Stop! *rape whistle* *can of mace in the face*
They see a vision of Cyclops on top of Frost when he was Phoenixing around and steal her powers. Well, that sucks. Sorry, Frost. The Cuckoos didn’t know that. That sucks. Sorry.
Frost doesn’t believe them. That was mean. Bad Cuckoos! “You wanted to hurt me and you hurt me.” Frost gets up off the floor and dusts herself off. “You wanted to embarrass me and you embarrassed me.”
Hey, look on the bright side! The Cuckoos are just like her and this is exactly what Frost would’ve done as well! Let bygones be bygones!
The girls insist that, no, they aren’t just like her. They’re their own people. They’re changing. They’re breaking off. Leaving the nest. Letting go of the teet. It’s Chinatown, baby.
OK, fair enough. If you little creeps don’t want to go to Scott Summers’ New Unaccredited School of Being Really Bad at Things, then that’s your prerogative. She can’t do anything about that! So she won’t. Bye.
Enough of this useless pursuit. Going back to “The New Xavier School, Somewhere in Canada” (just like the location of Cyclops’ girlfriend), the new recruits are shuffling around wondering where the hell their leaders are. The school entrance appears to be a large drainage culvert, which proves the kind of slipshod operation this really is.
BENJAMIN DEEDS. Chameleon-like abilities!
EVA BELL. Creates time bubbles!
CHRISTOPHER MUSE. Healer!
FABIO MEDINA. Projects gold balls out of his body!
Together they are!… confused! Christopher says that, in the meantime, maybe the four of them should pick out their rooms in the dormitories.
“I guess it’s like summer camp,” Eva says, considering the idea. They race over to the housing area, where it sucks. No decorations on the walls. No towels in the bathrooms. No real separation of male/female living areas, which is obviously a problem for Eva, but Benjamin assures that not only will they all keep it in their pants, but they’ll cut their dicks off if they have to! He didn’t say that, though. I’m saying that.
Cheeky like a fox!
Christopher says he can’t promise not being rapey, but I think Eva likes him so maybe she doesn’t mind him being a total asshole. “Let me be the first woman to tells you… if there’s anything to like about I will find it myself. You don’t have to put on a show.”
Yeah, she likes him.
“Did you find it yet?” Christopher asks all cute and coy. Yuck.
Going back to the real school. The Jean Grey school. The school wherein the accreditation documents aren’t scrawled in crayon and stuffed into a drawer, Frost continues schmoozing her cuckoos. They start talking about something I think I have no context for: the original X-Men staying here in the present. Is this related to All-New X-Men where it’s like X-Men Babies and Jean Grey is still alive? “They just appeared in the present to screw with Cyclops’ head but they decided to stay,” explains Cuckoo #Something. “The faculty doesn’t talk about them. Like we don’t know they’re here.”
Ah, yes, it is related to that. They’re all 16 and Jean Grey is alive, but are they invisible or something? The Cuckoos say that all their thoughts are scrambled and inhuman. Also, Jean Grey ain’t shit. Everyone said she was the shit, but she ain’t shit. “We are 10 times the psychic she is,” one explains HAUGHTILY. They can read Grey’s thoughts and she doesn’t even know it! It’s mostly about Scott Summers though. She can’t even pass the Bechdel test in her own head! Also she’s like “how can I love a man who killed my Big Bald Idol?” The dude couldn’t even walk!
Cyclops and Frost are over here trying to sell his stupid school to the faculty. “We’re accepting applications now. Even from time-displaced original X-Men who are probably destroying the fabric of time and space by being here.”
Kitty Pryde can’t believe her ears about this lunacy! Magento explains that these new mutants popping up every which way across this dumb Earth will lead to confusion and fear that must be anticipated early before people grab their pointy, pointy pitchforks and start poking mutants in the tuchas. “We can train you to fight back and for each other,” Cyclops explains to the students, “At the New Xavier School.”
All right, Scotty! You’re out! Get to the sidelines!
Later, at the janky New Xavier School, Fabio Medina is running around like a tortured goose and launching balls all over the place. A smattering of very terrifying dinosaurs are tearing these kids up as they all scream bloody murder.
“I could watch this all day,” Magik says as the New Xavier faculty leans against a railing.
Cyclops gets thunked in the head and decides to call off the dinosaurs. Magneto presses a button on his iPhone 3G and the room returns to its normal, un-dinosaured state. The kids are strewn about the room looking like abject failures!
The only thing Fabio did was press a bunch of buttons on a phone he found like a child. Then the Danger Room turned into a DANGER Room! The faculty finds this all somewhat humorous, except for the part where the Danger Room isn’t supposed to be activated unless someone else is working the controls or running an actual program. So, maybe, the Danger Room got a mind of its own! Nah, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
The kids are in awe! Wow! Cool room! Except for the fearing for their lives part, and possibly actually dying? I don’t know yet if the Danger Room can actually hurt you? Dinosaurs certainly can. It really does seem like an irresponsible room.
“Wait, that wasn’t real?” asks Benjamin, not keeping up at all with this. “We never left this place?” And then Eva has to answer him because she’s much smarter than all the rest of them. Including Cyclops!
While Benjamin and Eva argue, Magik suddenly gets whisked to something that looks like Hell for a quick minute. No big deal.
Illyana, get back here you silly goose!
So she disappears, and the kids wonder if this is also some crazy Danger Room shenanigans. She floats about them among visions of a fiery inferno. Everyone except Fabio looks up and sort of frowns. Fabio has his hands on his head looking like he’s perforating holes in his esophagus from all his shrieking. Creepy looking ghouly ghouls flicker among the flames! Then she’s back on the floor. It’s all quite dramatic, really.
“Illyana? Are you okay?” Cyclops asks the definitely not okay woman. She just needs a minute to pick herself up and dust herself off. The other X-Men aren’t really sure what the fuck just happened. Magik runs away insisting that she’s fine. The others are very perceptive: she’s not actually fine! Cyclops is going to talk to her later, which is going to exponentially add to her not-fineness. You can bet your butt.
Hours later, outside the very snowy drainage ditch opening, Benjamin and Eva talk about how the staff at the New Xavier School of Bubblegum and Duct Tape left them in the lurch again.
“They left again,” Eva says, arms crossed, staring off into the distance. “Back to the other school to see if any of the Jean Grey school wants to be part of this school.”
It’s all starting to get depressing, isn’t it? No direction. No real planning. Benjamin asks Eva if she’s still unnerved by the Danger Room. She goes “OI! NAAAUUURRR!” but really she’s “still processing the fact that Captain America hates her”.
You better not turn into me while we inevitably end up fucking. I will ruin you. You’ll be trapped in a time bubble and launched to the end of the universe.
“I’m worried that our teachers have more problems than we do,” Eva looks forlorn.
“I’m waiting for them to decide to be completely honest with us,” Benjamin adds. As he gets closer to Eva, his appearance starts changing.
Is Scott Summers good? Is he bad? Are we here to do bad things? Is it with good intentions? THESE are the questions that need answering! Also, where’s the Fuck Room? lol!
Fabio emerges from the culvert to let the two know that the faculty are back. I hope they explain themselves quite thoroughly, y’hear?
“Students…” Cyclops begins with a stoic face of grim triumph, “I’m happy to say we have some new blood here at the new Xavier school.”
It’s Warren Worthington III, the guy with the angel wings whom I barely know. “He has come here from the past to do right by the dream of Charles Xavier.” Yeah, that sounds like a waste of time.
Also, the three Cuckoos are there. “And these are the Stepford Cuckoos. Very special students of ours.” Yeah, is that all you have to say? You don’t even know them at all, do you Scott? They all look the same to you, huh? Typical.
The students are like “all right, yeah, this is a little better”.
Then Magik has her Hell Problems again. The End.
Final Thoughts
One issue left! Where this is going, I can’t say at all! Maybe Cyclops will accidentally blow up the school trying to use his Blast Vision to look for his tiny dick. Stay tuned, “loyal” readers!
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