The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 21: “Listen to the Wind”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Nynaeve alert! She gets her own chapter, and it’s an informative one!

She’s ok. She had fallen asleep in the woods, which she chastises herself for. She could’ve ended up in a Trolloc’s cookpot just for catching forty winks! Bad Nynaeve! *slaps herself* Bad bad bad! *slap slap slap*

She gets on her horse and ambles around the woods, wondering what became of the rest of the group. Eventually, she stumbles upon Moiraine and Lan camped out in a clearing and sneaks behind a tree undetected. Moiraine notices before Lan does, which is a big win for Nynaeve and a big shit for Lan. Warder my ass.

Before Moiraine tells Nynaeve to come out of hiding, she and Lan are discussing the shear number of Trollocs that have been ambushing them since the beginning of this adventure. An ungodly amount of Trollocs. Too many god-fucked-damn Trollocs, please excuse my fucking French. Why? Where are they all coming from? Who is sending them? And other questions!

In a scene that has really solidified my opinion that Nynaeve is the best character, she gets all up in Moiraine’s business and not afraid of pissing off the all-might Aes Sedai. OooooOOooOOOooo, an Aes Sedai. Big whoop. Tell Nynaeve what’s going on or she’ll Aes Sedai you right back, buddy! Which is funny, because Moiraine takes the opportunity to start lording Aes Sedai-dom over Nynaeve’s head. After all, she can channel the One Power too. Don’t believe her? Here is a whole bag full of evidence that you, Nynaeve, have been able to get anything you want when you really want it. Healing people, avoiding death, all sorts of voodoo magic.

Nynaeve is stubborn at first, but after a mountain of indisputable recounts of real-life Aes Sedai-type behavior, she has no choice but to give in and admit that she might possibly be everything that she hates. It’s a real shame.

It doesn’t change the fact that, from Nynaeve’s perspective, Moiraine just whisked these kids away from their homes on a fool’s errand suicide mission. Moiraine argues that the Dark One is after them, and as long as the Dark One is after them it is her mission to thwart the Dark One. So nyah. And also, come along if you wish. Moiraine had given silver coins to the three boys to track them way back in Emond’s Field prior to Bel Tine. She still has her radar on Perrin, but we the readers known that Rand and Mat had given theirs to Domon the ship captain. As a result, Moiraine has lost her connection with those two and makes it a priority to track them down.

Nynaeve tags along, vowing revenge on Moiraine for whisking these kids away from their homes on a fool’s errand suicide mission!

It’s getting interesting. As I expected and hoped, the team has been separated and each will start having their own separate events unfold. At least for a little while. Me likey.


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Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Come Fly With Me – Come Die, Just Die Away!”

* Part 4 of 7 of the REDemption storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Come Fly With Me – Come Die, Just Die Away!”! And this is by far the worst title yet. I’m so pissed right now. In the previous installment, Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire enter the Chamber of All in the Himalayan mountains to search for an artifact (which turns out to be a snowglobe from a Colorado gift shop and that pisses Red Hood off).

The Chamber of All is guarded by a 4,000-year-old shirtless bald child, S’aru, who allows them through the chamber in exchange for their most precious of memories. Starfire’s precious memory was destroying one of her captors as a child. Arensal’s precious memory was being talked out of suicide by a crocodile. Red Hood’s precious memory was, as Robin, having to stay in from patrol due to being sick and Bruce Wayne stays back too to watch TV with him.

I suppose the meaning of Red Hood’s precious memory is that, deep down, that good guy is still in there. However, angry at the snowglobe, he tells S’aru to just keep the memory.

This series has been such a slog so far. I remain emotionally unconnected to the whole team, and the art is so cluttered and chaotic that I don’t find it to be as absorbing as, I imagine, it should be.

BUT, this storyline is my path to the Batman: Night of the Owls multi-series event, which I want to get to eventually. I’ve heard good things. So, press on I must.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Scott Lobdell
“Come Fly With Me – Come Die, Just Die Away!”

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4

CRUX WANTS STARFIRE… DEAD!

Oh wow, I hope it happens. How am I supposed to give a shit that the alien woman wearing 4mm2 of clothing might get killed by some pointy-toothed reptile creature? Not me! Show me more of that cool-as-ass Colorado snowglobe.

“My name is Roy Harper. I’m an alcoholic.”

Oh God. How many jerkoff motions is this one going to take? We’re in Middleton, Colorado, where redhead Roy is at a bar getting another drink filled by some Daisy Duke bartender.

“You sure I can’t get you anything harder?” she asks.
“Funny, I was just going to ask you the same–”

Yes, yes. Very classy. Roy has a sponsor named Waylon, just like Bubbles from the Wire without the greasy long hair. Maybe. He shouldn’t be in a bar, but he’s in a bar.

About to get his ass kicked, too. A very large man with a flannel lumberjack shirt and very VERY Ron Perlman face approaches Roy with his posse and tells him he’s “sittin’ on his stool, talkin’ to his lady.”

Jason Todd, sitting next to Roy, beats them up and makes them cry on the floor within three seconds.

“My apologies, sir,” he says, brushing off his sleeves. “You can have your stool back.”

Waylon has always told Roy to stay away from the types of trouble-makers, ne’er do wells, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, and dickheads. The kind that are a bad influence! The kind that are Jason Todd. Roy, on the other hand, argues that Jason Todd isn’t a bad influence! He’s a good influence! So that’s settled once and for all, then.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4

What’s worse? The quotation marks around “downtown”, or the horrible misspelling of “officer”?

I’m starting to think that, to make up for the complete lack of substance, Red Hood and the Outlaws needs to pack in as many sexy women as they can muster to keep everyone’s attention. It’s not working for me! Ha ha ha ha ha! Heh. … … er….

Anyway, they get kicked out of the bar. Surprise, surprise.

Starfire is elsewhere. I can never remember her fucking name. “Subterfuge is the word,” she narrates. “An Earth concept. On Tamaran, if you want something – you kick down the door and take it.”

Sounds reasonable to me. Fooey on “Earth concept”. That neighbor’s Playstation 5 is rightfully mine!

Starfire conspicuously floats above the snowy houses of a small neighborhood. So conspicuous, in fact, that I bet people can see her from 40 miles away! “Subterfuge is why I’m up here, keeping an eye on these two,” she claims, but I think it’s so Earthlings can get a nice view of her cooch. This neighborhood, or hamlet, is where Jason is going to track down the Untitled. A quaint little area. Pies cooling on the window sill. Domestic abuse. It’s got it all.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Allow me to translate for you: “CUNT! Fucking hell cunt!”

Out of nowhere, while she muses about why she cares so much about these losers and why she is so willing to help, she gets slashed and bloodied and thrown around by some invisible entity that turns into a visible entity and that visible entity is CRUX, who will spend the rest of the issue in a fight with the Fire of Stars. Should be really boring.

“Strak es tru cor’str lekkre!” she exclaims, having a stroke. “M’ro bountre kel!”

Whatever, lady. Here comes Crux flying through the air, even LESS conspicuous then Starfire, ready to rumble! He’s all like “I’m going to kill you, please let me kill you,” and she’s all like “Thank you for the courteous discussion. I am Princess Blah of the Planet Blah Blah.

Even Crux gets some narration here. He’s been tracking her down for years, He knows every single little thing about Tamaran there is to know, such as how many glaciers are in the Thraxoalthan Ocean and how many bathrooms there are in C’gjas4jrp. For a while there he thought the trail had gone cold, but here she is at last! At last! Time to tear her a new one! Some kid on the internet posted a thing on a message board and led him to her. Seriously! I’m not making that part up, and I sure do make a lot of things up!

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Which is good, honestly, because Ducra smells like old cottage cheese and a slaughterhouse full of farts.

“I took the name CRUX because I am the human being willing to draw a line in the sand between and the invading hordes of–”

He doesn’t finish that thought, because Starfire punches this so-called human being in the chest. I’m glad we don’t get to see more of this yet.

Jason Todd wants to interrogate the sexy occifer and he tells a bitter Roy to wait outside while he sticks organs into her.

Jason has a gun to her head, and she’s still being all coy. He needs some files that might point him to the whereabouts of the Untitled! By any means necessary! Even if he has to stick organs into her, by god.

I don’t think I ever really got this explanation, but the Untitled are a “very ancient and evil mystical race – maybe a dozen left on the planet – who have been hiding among humans for centuries.” And Occifer Halle Berry wonders why he even thinks they even exist on Even Earth!

It’s just one that exists on Earth, and it’s because Jason can FEEL IT in his dick. Which isn’t inside the occifer, but at least that’s still on the table. “They usually hide in positions of authority in order to make it easier to cover their tracks,” he says, laying it all out there for really stupid readers like me understand what’s going on! Can we all guess what’s going to happen next? Huh? Can we?

Cover blown. She sticks her hand right through his back and makes him all tingly. “The few remaining members of our race–” YADA YADA YADA! The few remaining members of her race want to stay in hiding. Even on Earth. It’s fun, and the All-Caste have a truce with them. So it’s a good arrangement. “No need to struggle, pup. Once I’ve eaten your liver, I’ll know everything you know.”

Occifer Hannibal Lecter barely moves before Roy enters the room and THUPTS eight arrows through the back of her head. Eight. I counted them. She turns around, calls him an idiot, and tells him, for no discernable reason whatsoever, that steel can’t hurt her. Only copper. So get some copper arrows and come back. Or maybe a pot or a pan.

Jason already knew this. So Roy knows this. And he throws some spiky copper through her head.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4

THAT’S GOTTA HURT! *horn honk*

Back to the fighting between Orange Julie and Lizard Man. They do a lot of talking at each other while fighting, which is a waste of breath and energy to be sure. “Before you die, I want you to know exactly why you’re being dispatched… and by whom,” Crux says. And why? Fucking why? What does that matter? What is her brain death corpse going to do with that information? And if she stays alive, then it’s information she now has that might work against him. Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

“It was less than five years ago– my mum, my dad, and I were–”

JESUS CHRIST! AGGGHHHH!! WHO CARES?!

Long story short, Crux was a human and his parents were scientists at the University of Edinburgh. A Tamaran ship crashed the fuck into their car while they were driving home with Crux in it. His parents died. The Tamaran individual walked away unscathed. It’s like Bruce Wayne if, on that fateful day, a UFO landed on his parents’ faces instead of a bullet!

So Crux took it upon himself to continue alien research, which is what his parents did I guess. He “dedicated his life to tracking down every alien he could”. He also studied corpses. Whether or not he fornicated with the corpses is between him and the corpses!

Then he injected himself with alien DNA to get an upper hand! Now he looks like shit.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Get ‘im, gurl.

Understandably, Starfire isn’t sympathetic to this sad-sack’s life story and uses some of that recuperated energy to start throwing Crux around. There’s a “SPLACKT” onomatopoeia involved! Then Crux swims away, pissing off Starfire. What a wuss move.

The fake cop Untitled lady is still not dead. Her head is split in two down to the bottom of her ears. “You are toying with dangerous forces here,” she says as brown smoke and maggots seep out of her skull. “…in short, I was the last Untitled you should have bothered.”

Jason only tracked her because she started pushing around the All-Caste. She doesn’t care. Something fucked up is about to happen and the Roy/Jason Dream Team need to get out of there. Stat! Roy thinks this is a wuss move, the biggest wuss move since the other wuss move, but Jason doesn’t care. Bye.

Starfire is still chasing Crux, who is spending more time underwater than would seem to be possible. Then she realizes that he doesn’t have to defeat her, especially due to his subpar strength. He can, apparently, travel his way through some Stargate that Starfire calls a “Tamaran Transubstantiator”, using her own race’s technology against her, which is such a huge plot hole right now that I’m having a heart attack.

Crux knew, too, that he couldn’t beat her. BUT, “to use technology from her home planet? A device I found buried in the base of a Mayan temple? There’s a beautiful symmetry to it all. That I could employ the alien’s own devices against them.”

*clutches chest, dies very painfully forever*

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Congratulations! Welcome aboard! We really like watching reality TV shows about people eating bugs. We also enjoy accidentally running people over with our cars and driving away quickly.

Meanwhile, Roy wants to go kill things but Jason, now donned with a Red Hood, needs to stay. So Roy goes and Jason stays, mostly because Starfire aka Kori aka Korfire has been abducted by something that may or may not be an Untitled. Oh no!

The not-Untitled Crux dipshit “erased the line between he and Starfire”, and now she’s stuck on a glacier in the middle of nowhere? It’s very hard to understand.

“I prepared for this night years ago,” Red Hood says to himself as he sits in waiting with a couple of guns in his hands. “A year of training under the All-Caste. A night none of us believed would ever happen. Why am I so happy? Because I know I’m ready. Who knows? Maybe I was born ready.”

He throws his guns to the ground and whips out some pointy rapiers out of his boots. He strikes quite a beautiful pose as he waits for Untitled Cop to come get’im. She is going to kill him, then everyone else in the town, because “he wouldn’t leave her alone”.

Yeah right, lady. Just try it.

*pose*

Final Thoughts

This is the worst fucking comic series yet. Just an irredeemable pile of ugly, misshapen turds. There’s nothing I like about this. I hate the characters, the story is completely stupid, and nothing makes sense whatsoever. This Scott Lobdell guy can suck a muffler.

See you next issue!


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Paper Girls, Issue #13

* Part 3 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 3 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #13! In the previous installment, Erin and KJ outfit the Wild Woman (hereby referred to as “Wild Child” because she’s, like, a child, actually) with that English-translation choker that was stolen from Creepy Future Not-Erin. From her, they learn some weird biblical Jesus stuff. We still need to see what actually comes of that.

Dr. Qantas Braunstein fights some cavemen with symbols on their chests that you’d find on a TV remote control. They club her in the head and steal her helmet and phaser.

KJ and Mac are stuck downstream and then KJ gets her period.

Now you’re caught up.

Paper Girls, Issue #13 [April, 2017]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Wild Child’s baby goos and gahs while Erin holds and fawns over him. “Is having a baby the most awesome thing in the world?” she asks Tiff, but mostly she asks herself. And that’s fine, because Tiff doesn’t look like she thinks it’s awesome at all.

“It is painful and terrifying,” Wild Child confirms with pointedness. “Now stop talking and keep your eyes open.”

The three of them traipse across along the river. Wild Child has her bow at the ready. Tiff holds KJ’s hockey stick. Erin holds a baby.

“If you’re lucky, we’ll recover your friends’ corpses before nightfall.”

Nice bedside manner! What is this, the Stone Age? Be nice!

Erin calls her Wari, which I haven’t seen yet, but now I’ll appropriate it! Erin looks hurt that Wari assumes their friends are dead. Tiff vouches for Mac and KJ’s ability to withstand anything! They yelled at garbagemen a few weeks ago! They’re tough cookies!

Doesn’t matter. Cookies can crumble, sister.

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Ooooh, “untranslatable”. I like the sound of that!

Wari mentions some sort of beast or entity with a name that cannot be translated to English. “Must be too crazy for her collar to handle,” Erin explains after Tiff sneers. “Everything this girl says is crazy, Erin,” Tiff rebuts. “So why are we following her like–”

Her train of thought is CUT OFF when Wari tells them to cork it and stop moving. There’s one of those strange violet time rips floating in the air! Ahhhh, it’s been a while since we’ve seen one. It looks just as I remember them!

“That’s a magic shithole dead ahead,” Wari says, pointing an arrow right at it from point blank range. And she’s almost literally with it. It’s some other time and/or place’s toilet, just dumping it into the year 11,706 BCE. Just like everyone else. Makes her sick. BUT…

“Sometimes, precious things accidentally fall down the hole… but if I can retrieve this lost treasure, the [dream] women will give my son a long life.”

Yeah, ok lady. That’s nutty.

“Tiffany,” Erin whispers, “it’s one of those ‘foldings’. Like, the portal thing that dropped us here?”
“You don’t expect me to squeeze my ass through that one, do you?” Tiff sneers again.

Erin has a feeling. An inkling. She knows where this folding is going to lead to. She hands Wari’s baby to Tiff and starts preparing.

“What is this?” Wari asks incredulously. “If you want to find your people, we need to keep moving.”

Ha! This is part of the plan! This will help Mac and KJ. This will help them all get home.

But first…

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Erin Tieng’s gonna have to shank another bitch.

It appears that KJ has recovered from her sudden blossoming of womanhood, and Mac has likewise (somewhat) recovered, so the two set off to continue their riverbed excursions.

“Come on, I think it landed over here,” Mac ushers KJ over a fallen tree. KJ is not having a good time with her missing shoes and her socks soaked with several different liquid substances. It doesn’t take long before Mac finds what she’s looking for.

It’s another one of dem time machine capsule dealies. It’s hanging from the trees. “Hello?!” Mac shouts up into the air, which is something I wouldn’t have the balls to do. This chick’s got balls. “Anybody in there?”

KJ’s balls are even bigger and has no interest in getting her answers from hootin’ and hollerin’. She likes to get those brass knuckles on and break some fucking teeth to get her answers. By that I mean, she climbs the tree and heads for the capsule. Even Mac is wary, and Mac is the tough guy tough girl guy! KJ got her period after all, she’s basically an invalid now. She needs her wheelchair and her medicine. Mac doesn’t get it. She’ll die of cancer before she gets Period One. End of sentence! Period!

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Ah, well, in Mac’s defense, I’m sure 90% of girls in the 1300s died of period plague.

“So, do you feel any different?” asks a very curious Mac.
“We’re stranded in prehistoric times. Of course I feel different,” KJ snaps back as she continues her tree climb. Mac is only asking because her misogynist older brother says women lose their minds while they’re on their periods. Just a lot of crazy snarling and punching holes in walls and biting big chunks out of jugular veins. Huffing and puffing and frothing at the mouth.

KJ is floored that Mac can be so goddamned fucking stupid. Was she home during sex education? Did her alcoholic step-mother rave and rant about Jesus instead of teaching her how the penis enters the vagina (I think?). Come on!

Actually, it’s kind of true. Mac’s dad didn’t let her take sex ed. The most education she ever got was from a male gym teacher who said it was unladylike to talk about their bodies. ANYWAY, what’s in the time machine? Heh heh heh hee hee. Um.

Nothing. Nobody. “Looks like there was at least one passenger,” KJ reports, inspecting an empty chair, “but he’s gonzo.”

Oh, Gonzo! I love that guy! Do you think they had the Muppet Show during the Pleistocene era?

KJ does find some boots, but she is distracted when she notices a sparkly, twinkly, pixie dust-y emanation from across the forest.

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Faeries. Great. More mystical creatures. Can’t we all just go home to 1988 and vote for Michael Dukakis please?

Mac wants to know what the hell KJ is talking about, but all KJ can do is point in awe and demand they both go see what all the hubbub is across the way! Maybe the faeries can grant wishes! Like a portal back to the 20th century! Or a pogo stick!

“I thought the plan was to wait here for Tiff and Erin,” Mac says with hesitation and KJ puts on the newly found boots.
“What if they’re the people who, like, released those things? To try and signal us?” KJ demands, and there’s no arguing with her anymore. “Just trust me, we have to go there right now!”

“My brother was right about everything,” a concerned Mac whispers to herself.

EXCITEMENT AWAITS!

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! I must’ve used that joke 50 times already!

Final Thoughts

OK, I’m an idiot.

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Ugh, I hate it when this happens! Every damn time I go thousands of years in the past…

Dr. Qanta Braunstein hangs upside-down from a tree with a rope tied to her ankles. The cavemen what done it. The three sleep in a cozy little triangle on the ground while Qanta slowly regains some of that precious, precious consciousness. In the center of the three is one of those violet foldings I’ve been hearing so much about lately!

“oh. oh, God” Qanta mumbles. She activates her Captain’s Log and attempts to record an unencrypted message. It won’t let her. She asks it nicely (read: meanly) to override and she starts recording. “To whom it may concern, this is Dr. Qanta Braunstein, and in the year 2055, I will attempt to pierce the fourth dimension and–”

BORING! BOOOORRING!

Oh wait. No it isn’t. It’s actually quite interesting! But she says a lot of stuff and I’m not gonna write it all out. This attempt to pierce the fourth dimension should never be attempted, as it turns out. So somebody please stop her.

The problem was, and it was a BIG problem, that the indigenous people were around the area when Dr. Quantum landed. That wasn’t supposed to happen! They were all supposed to be at Stone Age Burger King at the time so that she could slink around unnoticed. But nooOOOooOoooOOO. And not only that, but these cavemen already had some future shit with them, and that ain’t good.

Qanta stops talking once one of the cave-type men wakes up and shouts some nonsense at her. “ERCHATA! Erchata nu rooni.”

I think that might mean “I wanna play some Xbox.”

Now, Qanta understands the whole “whatever happened, happened” aspect of time travel. She pleads for someone, anyone who can hear her message, to stop her. BUT, of course, since she’s already here in the past then no one stopped her!

Caveman #1 gets up in her face.

Paper Girls, Issue #13

“XBOX!! NOW!!!

Caveman #2 wakes up and approaches. Qanta begs them not to hurt her, but they’re not interested right now in the likes of her. They both grunt at each other about the shimmering folding right in front of them. The one wearing her space helmet picks up a little disc, which immediately starts translating his grunts into English.

“Where…is…our…son?”

Yeah, duh, these three not-wise men impregnated our Wild Child. Well, one of them did, obviously. OR PERHAPS ALL THREE?! The past was crazy and biblical!

Son is crying loudly. Loud enough to hear across the whole dang forest, so I don’t know what the problem is.

“The longer we stay in this place, the more likely we are to encounter the three men or the untranslatable.” Wild Child says, bow and arrow still trained on the folding floating in front of them. Like she’s expecting Gary Busey to pop out at any second and start gnawing at their legs.

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Well… the royal us. Wari was busy getting knocked up thousands of years ago. Tiff was riding a giant tardigrade!

Erin is writing a message on KJ’s hockey stick. “Wari, the people on the other side of that shithole aren’t magic… they’re just us.”

The portal leads to an abandoned mall in 2016. We all know what she writes on the hockey stick, and it obviously only makes sense to write that because that’s what she saw written on the hockey stick in the first place! There need to be more of these mind-bending time travel loops going forward. I get off on that stuff!

“So, this means you wrote that stuff on KJ’s field hockey stick all along?” Tiff asks, staying nice and caught up with the situation. And while Erin isn’t entirely sure, the fact of the matter is that their future/past selves will never get to the Fourth Folding if someone doesn’t tell them to not trust Erin! And who better than Erin to tell the Erins not to trust Erin?

Yeah. You got it.

Again, let’s see if Mac and KJ are all right. Doesn’t that sound like a goddamned cunting plan? Let’s do that before we start wagging sticks through portals. And Erin, ever the level-head, notices the portal slowly closing and doesn’t want to miss her chance.

Junior is crying. Tiff thinks he’s hungry. Erin says he’s gassy. Erin’s right. Tiff is impressed and wonders if Erin is depressed that her future doesn’t involve a baby or, like, a life. She isn’t. This wasn’t worth writing about, I suppose. Tiff doesn’t really want kids either. Wari thinks they’re both nuts! Have some kids! Your lineage is important! Someday she’ll have to let go of that bow and arrow, and maybe she’ll pass it on to her kid in about 20 years and he can start aiming at the portal instead until his kid is old enough to aim at the portal. And so on.

Hmmm… let’s see if Mac and KJ are any closer to figuring out the time capsule / faerie dust situation.

Paper Girls, Issue #13

Just use moss! The Viking women did, and they’re all still around!

Sounds like a no to me! KJ admits that she stuffed a handkerchief up there, and Mac tells her that she’s even weirder than Erin. And she’s pretty weird. She wants to wave hockey sticks through violet holes in the air.

They eventually show up to the area of the forest from which the pixie dust was floating in the air. The dust is coming out of those flowers that look like cones. I don’t know what they’re called! Do I look like a Flower Man to you? Yes? Yes.

The flowers are connected to a strange upside-down pyramid hovering within a foot off the ground. I shit you not. It doesn’t do justice describing it. Buy the comic book!

KJ is positively entranced by the weird floating thingamabob, She’s drawn closer and attempts to touch the flower stem attached to the pyramidy goodness, and then her eyeball pupils turn into triangles! She starts seeing visions of the future! A bloody Qanta telling her to leave! Tiff screaming “NOOO!” in a heavy gust of wind. Erin looking unconscious while that old man with the t-shirts aims a gun at something! Mac looking sad and finishing a thought with “…then I guess we do.”

Then, in the vision, they kiss. Who didn’t see that one coming? They appear to be far into the future when the making out happens!

KJ snaps out of it. She looks dazed and or confused!

“What is that thing?” Mac asks.

“I don’t know,” KJ answers with vague numbness, “but whatever you do… don’t fucking touch it.”

Final Thoughts

Hoo boy! Just when you thought you were getting a thread of the story wrapped up, it splits into many more threads! I wish I was a twelve-year-old lesbian kissing girls. Sounds fun.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 20: “Dust on the Wind”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

It took 300 pages, but we are in a situation now where the group has splintered apart. On their way out of Shadar Logoth, there’s a whole thing involving *looks it up* Mashadar, which *looks it up* is an evil, ethereal entity with smoke and tendrils and it will kill a person instantly if they touch it. That’s terrifying and, honestly, obnoxious. Can’t anyone spend two minutes alone without having to run away from yet another mysterious, evil presence in one form another? Trollocs, Myrddraal, Fades, Draghkar, Mordeth, Mashadar? Anime? There’s simply too much to keep track of, and they’re always running away. Always always always running away.

The Mashadar separates Lan and Moirane from the rest of the group with a snakey, killy tendril, so the rest must find their own way to the river. Of course, certainly, because why not, the other six run into Trollocs and start running, running, running away. They lose each other during the ruckus, breaking off into separate directions. Rand, Mat, and Thom end up together. Perrin and Egwene find each other, but Perrin loses Egwene (and his horse) when he falls off a cliff and into the raging river. Soaking wet and freezing and hilariously dying of hypothermia, Perrin is able to swim to the other side of the river alone, safe from the Trollocs and Fades. Egwene’s fate is undetermined for now, as is Nynaeve’s.

Rand, Mat, and Thom find the river and are chased onto a riverboat helmed by a man named Domon, who speaks funny and wouldn’t even let his own mother on his ship without payment. He has half a mind to dump these three into the river, he does! Thom wants to gleeman his way through this negotiation by singing a few songs or puffing through his flimsy flute, but Rand and Mat offer up the measly amounts of silver in their pockets. It is deemed satisfactory. Off they go to Whitebridge.

Don’t take anything I say as griping. I’m enjoying this series quite a bit. That being said, at this point it would be FAR more interesting if the group remained separated and we now start getting a variety of point-of-view chapters. It’s been too much Rand for too much time, and that guy has the personality of a fucking pineapple.


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Sucky Funnies for December 18, 2022

One week until Christmas, which means one week until I watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story and get completely trashed on spiked eggnog. And I don’t even drink! That’s how special the occasion is!

Speaking of getting drunk, I would try it before reading the following three comic strips. It’ll “enhance” the experience.

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem - December 18, 2022

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Um, excuse YOU Carpe Diem, but you already made a selfie joke last week. We’re still bitter about the kids again, it seems. If you’re going to keep rehashing old material, at least make sure it’s actually interesting, thought-provoking, intelligent, emotionally resonant, innovative, crispy, chunky, peanut-buttery, and culturally transcendent! Let me take a whack at it.

Easter Island Head #1: “Hey there, Frank, I got a new phone.”
Easter Island Head #2: “That looks pretty sharp, Bill.”
Easter Island Head #1: “I’m going to be the talk of the town down at the Easter Island Elk’s Club.”
Easter Island Head #2: “Don’t be silly, Bill. The Elk’s Club was disbanded after Jerry got murdered.”
Easter Island Head #1: takes selfie with duck lips

Family Circus

Family Circus - December 18, 2022

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You know how I feel about stupid puns, Bil Keane via Jeff Keane. You’ve angered me yet again. I don’t even have the stomach to comment upon this, so I’ll let the general public fill in on this one.

top cat .james: “…And I wanna try a few slices of that Bethel Ham!”
Do Tell: “Daddy, speaking of stars, what’s a choc’lit starfish?”
Jason: “If Mary had Jesus and Jesus was the Lamb of God the Father and Creator, did Mary have a little Lamb?”

On second thought, how about I just kill myself.

Mary Worth

Mary Worth - December 18, 2022

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The story of the sexy doppelganger continues! We last left off with Iris positively catatonic with surprise after she meets Zak’s old babysitter, Nan, who looks like her. Zak and Nan were all but sticking their dicks into each other in front of Iris, which left her a little bit shaken and, dare I say, stirred. Now she finally confronts Zak, who can’t even empathize with the situation long enough to drop his shit-eating smile.

I do, however, see both sides to this issue! Iris is, of course, jealous that Zak spent the better part of the evening fawning over his hot babysitter (which she reciprocated in an honestly creepy fashion). Zak is, of course, being a clueless idiot.

Ok, so I see only see one side to the issue. Nevertheless, this is one of the greatest cliffhangers of modern story telling. I cannot wait to hear what Mary Worth has to say about this! I hope it’s something to the effect of “drop that zero and get yourself a hero *snap snap*”.


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