Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Zodiac (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4 – “Zodiac (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the astrology dudes spend a lot of time fighting the dudes with the tights while Black Widow tries to run away with the briefcase full of Reality-Ruining garbage. The fight goes on for a while. Thor is a god and even he was having trouble hitting these guys with his big Thor hammer in an incapacitating manner.

All this fighting summons Thanos and he’s pissed. I think Thanos was just looking for a reason to show up. He caught up on all the new episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale and was looking for something to do anyway.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [August, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 4)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Arrows can’t stop the Hulk! Look at him, they only make him angrier! And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry… well, actually, I like him when he’s angry. He gets shit done when he’s angry.

“Thanos, I am Thor, son of Odin, prince of Asgardia,” he announces to the newly-arrived villain, as if they haven’t crossed paths a trillion times before already. They must have, right?

He tells Thanos to back off. Earth is under his protection! It’s in this contract here, see? *accidentally flashes the first page of his erotic Inuyasha fan fiction* So take yourself and your Zodiac posse and find a butt in outer space that you can crawl back into.

HAR HAR HAR! Do you think the Mighty Thanos is afraid of little ants like Thor?? He will crush you like a little ant! He revs up his blue-energy-sphere fists.

Tony Stark is a trifle nervous; he reports a “cosmic-level breach situation” to the White House. The President of the United States of a America is like “whuzzat mean?” Well, sir, it means the most dangerous thing to happen on the planet is now happening on the planet. In your own backyard. Put down your yo-yo and come listen for a minute. Tony Stark is faxing us the info now. Just wait a minute… … … wait a minute… … … here it comes… … … … … uh

“I do not come here lightly, Odinson. Nor did I involve myself in your affairs,” Thanos claims, like it’s inconvenient for him to come down from his Cloud Castle of Rainbows and trounce Earth.

The President’s council asks Stark what he will need for them to do. It’s time to act fast! Like snapping fingers: that fast.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Hey now, I just need to soak in the various sights and sounds! Is the Eiffel Tower still as pointy as I remember??

Tony Stark panics. Thanos is most certainly here for the Ultimate Nullifier whozits, and everyone needs to do everything they can to distract him from obtaining it. Stark, meanwhile, will raid the pantry for Ruffles and S’mores Pop Tarts. “Mr. President, this is the difference between our existence and our not existence,” Stark explains in layman’s terms that any president, even possibly the one between 2016-2020, would understand. But do not quote me on that whatsoever. “We are at DEFCON 1,000, sir”, he continues, displaying his lack of knowledge about how the DEFCON numbers go up when things are safer. Smartest man in the world my ass.

“I’m not here to rule you, that I promise,” Thanos speaks, “Yours is a world of the strongest of spirits, and yet– the weakest of minds.” Hey, I’ll show you weakest of minds! Listen to this: Neo-cubism! Isosceles triangles! And so forth.

In short, this little pissant planet isn’t worth taking over anyway. So shove it, MC Hammer, and let Thanos raze the place to the ground and start anew.

“And with that threat, you leave me no choice but to–” Thor swings the hammer like he’s a four-year-old barely hitting a baseball off of a tee. Hulk grabs Thor’s arm and Thanos smiles. “Weakest of minds…”

“Hulk not in control,” Hulk grimaces before he smashes the fuck out of Thor’s face with his own hammer.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Absolutely hilarious to me. Eat shit, Thor.

Captain America isn’t having it anymore! He flings his shield, which is the only thing he knows how to do in this world. Nothing happens. “Murder them for me,” Thanos instructs Hulk.

Great, so now they all have to start blasting Hulk before he crushes them all into car-like cube-like car cubes. Hawkeye even shoots him in the mouth with an exploding arrow! FABOOM! Now his stupid green head is on fire. This is hilarious stuff.

While Avengers are fighting one of their own, Thanos turns to his own and kindly informs them that there’s still a deal that needs to be wrapped up. Get the Ultimate Nullifier before he really loses his cool.

“I like this guy,” Gemini says before turning back into his two-guy Gemini thing. The rest of the Zodiac follow suit.

Meanwhile, Black Widow is flying in Nick Fury’s abandoned hover car with a few of the helicarrier’s officers. The President gives Acting Commander Maria Hill full dispensation to immediately fly over the Atlantic Ocean and blow her craft to kingdom come. So, after a quick, hearty steak and eggs breakfast and trip to the Redbox outside of Walgreens, she tells her entire crew to abandon the ship.

That will prove difficult, ma’am. There’s a Hulk-like creature on the ship. Possibly the Hulk.

The rest of the Avengers continue to do beat-’em-ups on their green friend even though an exploding arrow in the mouth sounds damn near impossible to be able to, uh, stay alive afterward.

“Ms. Romanova,” Thanos addresses Black Widow, who seems to have more spellings of her surname than Muammar Gaddafi, “You have something that belongs to me, dear. Zodiac, take it back.” Heheh, that rhymes.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

ANNIE OAKLEY TIME! YEE-HAW!

Black Widow doesn’t like that idea, so she shoots a big gun all willy-nilly. Evacuation from the ship continues. 20 seconds until kablooie.

“Mission accomplished, sir,” Maria Hill announces, crying before pushing the button.
“Earthers,” Thanos addresses his subservients, “You play a game that you don’t even know the–”

KABLOOIE! Right on schedule.

Then darkness.

Then a hail of fiery shrapnel hitting the beach where Captain America and Iron Man are panting and gasping and flopping and writhing. The White House Situation Room tries to radio the Avengers, but the transmission is riddled with static and the president is riddled with syphilis. “This is Tony Stark. I hear you, Mr. President,” he answers, always the kiss-ass. Smooch smooch. Stark advises MISTER PRESIDENT to secure the shore with the army and coast guard. Meanwhile, did someone say something about steak and eggs?

The President wants to know if the Nullifier is in good hands. And it’s sort of like, I ‘unno. The Avengers are still trying to keep the Hulk at bay. Thor launches back at His Hulkiness with his hulky hammer, but Iron Man stops him in his tracks. He speaks to the god as if he were a child. “Thor, stop, he was being controlled. Stop, it was Thanos.”

Thor doesn’t like that shit, but he relents nonetheless. Hulk will get his comeuppance soon enough. Perhaps an unscrewed salt shaker while he prepares to eat his steak and eggs.

“EVERYONE HATES HULK, EVEN WHEN I TRY TO HELP!” he bellows. lol, you got that right.

Captain America needs everyone to clear out! They’re still not safe! There could be another boom any second and–

BOOM! Whoops.

Scene change! Is it a flashback? A flashforward? A flashsideways? Easy there, Jack Shephard. We’re in an interrogation room. A bald man sits somberly in his interrogation chair. Interrogation light bulbs hang over his head.

“Mr. King, can you hear me? We know you are now, John King. We know you used to help run the Hood’s operation. We know who all of you Zodiac are… or what’s left of you… so start talking.”

Captain America is doing the interrogating. He’s making a face that suggests he’s currently trying to push out a large turd. BUT HE WANTS ANSWERS! WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW FROM WHENCE AND WHICH. All of you Zodiac types seem well-connected to various MARVEL UNIVERSE evil-doers! How did this happen? Who what where when you get the picture.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Thump thump. Two hits. Me hitting you and you hitting the floor.

Also where is Thanos? Where is Thanos? WHERE IS THANOS? Where’s Thanos? That’s all I wanna know. Huh, String? String? Where the fuck is Thanos? Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Where the fuck is Thanos? Huh, Stringer?

“There’s someone at the door,” John King says meekly. He’s wearing the symbol of Cancer, the sixty-nining.

It’s Iron Man. “He’s not going to talk to you,” he tells his dimwit friend. “According to his rap sheet, that squirrel of a man has been to prison six times.”

Well ain’t that a humdinger! Let’s make it seven! Tell him to bring his punch card, three more and he gets to execute a guard of his choice. Anyway, he’s not going to squeal on nobody. Cut him loose.

“I’ll talk to him,” suggests Hawkeye. He’s got that mischievous charm!
“No, Hawkeye, this is my area of expertise,” suggests Black Widow, the one with the real persuasive advantage (boobs). And she wishes to be alone (sex).

She closes the door and says hello to King. She pulls out of a bag some rope, a hammer, a knife, a butane torch, a garden claw, and some pliers. “Where is Thanos?”

Oh me oh my! Captain America would like this one bit! How about a little titty instead? That seems more harmless, albeit just as sinful…

Outside the room, Thor reports that Maria Hill is ok, and so are all the S.H.I.E.L.D. officers, but no sign of Thanos. Did everyone check all the steak and eggs breakfast diners? No? Well shit. Iron Man locks down his precious, precious Avengers Tower until this whole thing is settled. However, they can’t rule out that Thanos might scale the building like King Kong.

Black Widow returns quickly. The blubbering Cancer Man reports that this voice came him and told him to assemble a fucked up Zodiac team. Maybe he’ll finally make something of himself this way! Unlikely, BUT it’s a chance to prove that he might not be the lost cause everyone thinks he is, especially his own mother!

All he had to do, along with the other eleven, was collect a bunch of stuff. Like a scavenger hunt! Except they were told exactly where to find everything, so it was easy-peasy. And if they did everything this guy said, and gave him all the inane little trinkets that he asked for, they get to keep their Zodiac powers! Some real god-like stuff. Powerful enough to cut the Earth in two like a hot knife through so much Earth-shaped butter.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Iron Man built some sad eyes into his suit for just such an occasion.

Sounds hopeless. 12 individuals more powerful than THOR? THOR HIMSELF? Thor works out, man! He eats a lot of protein! That’s messed up.

Something doesn’t add up, though. Doesn’t add up at all. 5 + 4 = 10?? Bullshit! Something’s missing! “A creature of Thanos’ power…” Thor considers, “Why does he need a cadre of mortal puppets?”

“Exactly,” Captain America agrees, a dim light bulb clicking inside his mushy head, “Why not do whatever he needs to do himself, and quickly?”

Black Widow confirms that at least the Nullifier is safe. For now. But what are they gonna do? DO THEY NEED TO ASSEMBLE MORE AVENGERS??? Aren’t they busy beating up gold-colored gods who are terraforming Mars. There are about 38 members already covering that one. Sounds to me like they’re shit out of luck…

Nope! A team arrives with knowledge of who Thanos is, what he wants, why he wants it, and how to stop him!

It’s the Guardians of the Galaxy! *trumpet fart*

Final Thoughts

Yuck. Chris Pratt and a raccoon and a tree? Go eat an entire turd. Nobody wants that business mucking up the story. I have standards, you know.


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East of West, Issue #28 – “The Fall of the White Tower”

* Part 13 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #28 – “The Fall of the White Tower”! In the previous installment, Thomas shoots that motherfucker Ezra “Prophet” Orion, which instigates a massive riot. Millions upon millions of Message pilgrims start trying to kill the treacherous Chosen, which leads to Wolf’s death and possibly Narsimha’s. Most of them pile into the ship to get away. Archibald and Constance stick around to blend into the mob.

Stuff is really getting out of control. And still, Xiaolian remains safe and sound humping naked women in her private bathhouse. I’m imagining that in my head. Quite vividly, actually.

East of West, Issue #28 [July, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Fall of the White Tower”

East of West, Issue #28

A jacked Death is hanging out in the desert with his walking eyeball buddy. “We’ve been chasin’ the sun for two days. How much longer ‘til we find my son?” he asks the Roamin’ Rhymin’ Eye. “Soon, soon, you’ll see. You’ve got to be believin’ me,” it coos all syrupy. The tracker still works, Mr. Eyeball is on top of things. Relax, guy. We just need to wait a little while longer to, you know, finish the triangulation and whatnot!

“So you’re telling me our meanderin’ – and your general lack of urgency… is because you’re waitin’ to find out the precise location?” he frowns, staring daggers at the eyeball with his one eye. It’s eyeball vs. Eyeball, and I think the Eyeball would win this staring contest.

Well, that is spot on, yes. Eyeball wants them to make a straight beeline toward Sonny Boy. Death is antsy because the kid is toast if the scouts find him first. This is when Eyeball backpedals and agrees that “their time could’ve been put to better use”.

This doesn’t sit well with our favorite #1 Cuddly Guy, so he grabs Mr. Eye and does a big, rough squeeze. Even through this it’s all poetry. “No don’t do anything you’ll regret. It’s me you need – best not forget. Don’t be mad – I know what to do. From now on, our path will be true!”

It’s all very cute, isn’t it? Death has had enough. “You’re an eye… I’m assumin’ that means you work the same way as a regular one.”

Then he sticks the eyeball in his pants and bullies him into looking at his dick. Well, that would be happening if I wrote it.

Death wants to see what the eye sees, and all he needs is light and a place to project the image on… so he prods a poker into their bonfire and sticks it up the Eyeball’s ass, so to speak. Image is projected on the ground.

East of West, Issue #28

Start talkin’ Eyeball Jones. I can rhyme too, I got the stones.

The map is of Ahab’s Pass, so that’s where they’re headed at dawn. I’ve got a good feeling about this! Something tells me nothing is going to go wrong whatsoever!

“Run. Run as fast as you can.”

“The future is coming to kill you.”

A group is waiting at Ahab’s Pass. They look like a real dream team of shaggy, lumpy men. A flying robot bug guy comes back to the group with a report that Babylon must be close. He discovered two abandoned campsites along the river, and the distance between them will tell them roughly how much time it will take before they show up.

A Republic of Texas looking motherfucker named Billy Blackgun – a man who refers to himself in the third person – already sent word to the Atlas with no response. He thinks Hunter might be dead.

A woman in a hood says that it don’t matter. If he’s dead, he’s dead. They still have a job to do: kill him.

A jumpy man named Wyatt, who is missing an eyeball, isn’t comfortable with continuing the job if Hunter is dead. They’ll all have a big target on their backs! Fuuuuck that!

East of West, Issue #28

Pop a Xanax, Wyatt. Calm the fuck down, I can see your tonsils.

Billy Blackgun ain’t afraid of no bullseye! Put it on Billy’s head, it don’t mean no never mind to Billy! It definitely ain’t mean no such as not at all never mind! He rambles like a psychotic lunatic for about four speech balloons and then suggests they split up. Some keep going. Some go back to the Atlas.

Flying robot bug guy disagrees. What appears to be the words of the man he used to be are spoken in between sentences of the conversation. “I remember fields and flowers. My wife and my children. What has happened to me?” and “My son was Jonah. He was five and just learned to ride a bike. My daughter was Hannah. She loved to sing in the choir.”

A woman named Ursula at the Atlas is spearheading this mission, and she wants the job done first dangit. The plan is as follows, now listen up because it’s very important and very hard to remember. Ready: they wait until nighttime and they look for a campfire.

Then it’s settled! Red Team and Blue Team. Red Team, go do stuff. Blue Team, sit on the couch and eat pizza rolls! Annnnnd, go!

Wyatt storms away. He wants money and this doesn’t sound like money. Screw you guys, I’m goin’ home.

As he tries to ride away, someone caps Wyatt on the side of his abdomen. “Wat dis? Wat dis!?! You done gone shot me over dis? You gone shot me cause I wanna get paid? Cause I want my money? You listen here – Wyatt ain’t no free boy! Wyatt ain’t no–”

He gets shot again, lmao. Right through the skull this time.

Not about the money. It’s about finishing the job. “Oh my God, we shot that man,” speaks the robot bug guy’s inner voice. “We killed him. Who am I? What have I become?”

Hey, we haven’t seen Babylon in a while, speak of the little devil! He’s trying to fight a warthog that he sees as one of those Hell Demons that Orion wants to buttfuck so badly these days. Well, not these days. He’s dead now. Other days, though.

He fights while the warthog tries to chew him in half. Unfortunately, he’s not successful.

East of West, Issue #28

Tear his ass up, Warty! I wanna see some guts!

The warthog even starts licking him playful, and then begins to doze while Babylon flumps on top of him. “See Balloon. I told you I didn’t need to kill him.”

Balloon calls him quite fortunate. Babylon doesn’t agree. In fact, after doing a bit of thinking, Babylon says they got to him before the world did. “If there’s anything you’ve taught me, it’s that conditioning starts early.”

“Oh? Did I?” Balloon responds. “I don’t remember teaching you that? In fact, I don’t think that was in your programming at all.”

Well, yeah, Balloon never explicitly said anything. Babylon just… well, he’s drawing from his own experience. Whoops, we’re starting to think freely! That ain’t good! Balloon’s going to have to pop this kid before the kid pops him. Like a balloon.

Babylon has an idea! When they tear down the world and build up a better one, shouldn’t they have child farms so they can cull the shitty kids from the better kids? Eugenics! Balloon thinks this idea is top drawer! “Maybe you could give it a catchy name. Something like… a school,” Balloon smiles.

“Hmmm. Babylon’s school for little piggies. I like it!”

East of West, Issue #28

Ummm… they called you a “stinky butthead”, ma’am. And that your butt smells really bad.

Let’s go to New Shanghai. We haven’t been there in quite some time. Xiaolian sits alone on her steps.

An envoy returns with news from the Southern Gate and the gathering of the nations. That shit was wack. The Chosen started fighting, a riot ensued. It was kind of cool, actually. Wish you were there!

Problem is, Orion’s stupid army of believers are going to start closing in on the Endless Nation. They are allies, as one might recall, and Orion’s stupid army of believers currently stands at dozens of thousands! DOZENS OF THOUSANDS! That’s a lot of thousands.

Xiaolian sits nervously. She looks like she’s wearing one of those pointy Madonna bras. She lifts up the locket Death gave here. The one she can speak into and he’ll hear it, but she’ll never know if he heard it. A really cool gift. I gave one of those to my wife the other day. It works, I swear.

Among other things, the House of Mao will start eliminating threats like they were stains and she’s, like, stain remover. “If you are listening…” she says into the lump of metal, “If you hear me… We are out of time. The end is here. So I beg you… Ride, my love… Ride like you have never ridden before.”

Oh, he rides all right. He’s got that Death face that looks like he’s trying to poop out a wrench coming out sideways. Find their son now, or he’ll be lost to them forever. Poopypants Babylon, gotta go fetch him.

East of West, Issue #28

Someone’s gonna have to kill that kid for Death to be able to find him. Calling it now.

Poopypants Babylon and Balloon are at the bottom of a canyon. “I don’t feel lost,” Babylon argues, but Balloon knows what lost is and Babylon doesn’t know what lost is at all. So, yes, they’re lost. Don’t fucking talk back, kiddo.

“Pfft. That’s just knowing where you’re headed, Balloon,” Babylon talks back after Balloon mentions technological malarkey like orbital satellite triangulation and magnetic field directors and vibrators with AAA batteries in them. “It doesn’t have anything to do with being lost. I know exactly why I’m right here at this very moment. Do you?”

Looks like Babylon’s trying to keep things emotional instead of literal. You are never lost when it comes to FRIENDSHIP! ♫♫ Babylon and Balloon forever… ♫♫

“You’re becoming a very frustrating young man, Babylon,” Balloon mutters all salty. Babylon doesn’t think Balloon should be frustrated at all! It’s beautiful outside! A good place to set up camp.

East of West, Issue #28

This little psychopath is finally starting to make some sense to me!

When Babylon asks if the Earth will burn as hot and white at the stars in the sky, well… it was really quite touching. It brought a tear to my little eye. And with the comfortable thought that the fiery extinguishing of the Earth will be a beautiful sight to behold, Babylon settles in for his evening slumber.

“BABYLON! WAKE UP!” yells a distraught Balloon, “We need to break camp and look for cover immediately!

Oh no, what is it? Bandits?! UFOs?! Traveling circuses?! Amish families selling pies?! Balloon discovered movement in the distance! It’s not an animal, it’s something more… sinister. We’re not ruling out the UFOs just yet, but Balloon instead suspects it’s “the worst sort of humans there are. Ones that have no problem at all hurting children like you.

And yes, it’s the group of real winners we saw early. Some really smart cookies. Some real good Samaritans. Some real salt of the earth pie-selling old school Christians. Robot Bug Guy. Billy Blackgun. Some others.

Babylon’s gonna ruin these guys.

Final Thoughts

Characters are converging again. We’re gonna see some serious shit in the final issue of the storyline! Strap yourselves in, bootlickers! It’s Chinatown!


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 2: “Strangers”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Total excitement over what sounds like the most boring festival imaginable, Rand and Mat mill about the inn eating bread and cakes while the Village Council meets up in the in lobby. They’re huddled in a tight circle, close enough to take turns kissing each other, to discuss very important and clandestine matters! Rand’s dad Tam is there, and the meeting is being led by Mayor Bran. He gesticulates very seriously. I wonder what they’re talking about. Maybe where to hide the Town Whore while everyone enjoys Bel Tine?

Rand and Mat’s good buddy Ewin Finnegar, aka Ewww Vinegar, aka Ewan McGregor, excitedly reports the presence of strangers in Emond’s Field! Bonafide strangers! People not from around these parts! Why, there hasn’t been a stranger in town since that one guy who thought he could hide there, but then couldn’t because the whole town knows each and every single one of the 24 inhabitants and everyone kept giving him the ol’ stink eye until he left. These NEW strangers seem nice though. And, like, really good looking. Especially the woman. Her name is Moiraine, and they portray her as some sort of radiant alien being.

A raven startles the three boys by staring at them ominously. Rand and Mat are tired of being stared at today, God Fucking Damnit! Enough with the staring! Moiraine approaches to admonish the bird and the three boys are so flustered that they trip over their words and their boners. This particular stranger is going to be around a while, so get used to it kiddos. Also, she might have some weird errands and chores for them to do, and they all better do what she says… or else! Haha! No, she seems nice… or does she? She DOES give them each a silver coin that looks to be worth enough to buy a couple of nights with the Town Whore.

They’re all stunned and happy… and then the peddler arrives! Holy shit! The peddler! The peddler with his various treats and trinkets and FIREWORKS that will assuredly blow off some kid’s arm down to the elbow. A peddler and fireworks and cakes and the really hot stranger — and don’t forget the gleeman! The gleeman seems like he’s going to be a sex offender, but we’ll see. He’s probably just some guy in clown makeup who drove his beat up Ford Escort into town with a five o’clock shadow and mouthwash on his breath.


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Sucky Funnies for November 06, 2022

Uh oh! Call me Mr. Snowflake, but I need to check out of Mallard Fillmore for a bit of time. With the constant barrage of unwanted and incessant political text messages, political TV ads, signs on everyone’s lawns, and horrible opinions by horrible people that I disagree with with every fiber of my being, I can’t bear reading more verbal diarrhea by Cathy from Bozeman, Montana. I just can’t do it. After midterms are over, after I know nothing will go the way I would like it to, I can continue to never relax knowing that I’ll need to remove myself completely from everything that has anything to with politics in America for, hopefully, the rest of my existence!

I’ll just submerge my brain within large vats of books, movies, TV, video games, comic books, and comic strips. It’s called giving up on life, son. I recommend it.

Lio

Lio - November 6, 2022

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Sure, it’s all fun and games until someone is hospitalized for glue-related toxin absorption and skin blemishes, not to mention all manner of parasites and bacteria in the leaves. Lio will get his, let me assure you.

I always wonder how Lio got that enormous spike of hair to stick up in the front. This has certainly helped to shed some light on the situation.

Daddy Daze

Daddy Daze - November 6, 2022

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The dad from Daddy Daze just keeps spiraling, spiraling, spiraling into complete madness, and there’s absolutely nothing we can do to help. All we can do is watch and be completely powerless against the inevitable.

It parallels Kanye. Pretty thought-provoking stuff. Except Dad’s madness here is eternal, and his baby will never age. His own personal Hell.

I’m quite disturbed. Let’s move on.

Six Chix

Six Chix - November 6, 2022

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I’m going to put an equal amount of effort into commenting upon this Six Chix comic strip as the cartoonist did to create it. Arguably, my effort exeeds.


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Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Home”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Blood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Home”! In the previous installment, a young woman named Zola has immaculately conceived the Greek god Zeus, and then the Greek god Hermes handed her a key that transported her instantly to London where Wonder Woman looked like she was lying naked in her bed drunk as shit. They fight crazy demonic centaurs and also a son of Zeus killed three women in Singapore after getting information out of them.

Caught up? Good.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Brian Azzarello
“Home”

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Hell yeah, sexy women standing in a river of blood and skulls? This series knows how to get me all hot and bothered.

At the top of Mt. Olympus sits a large castle. “NO!” screams someone from the window. It’s a comically sizable “NO!” It’s almost as large as the castle itself, that “NO!” within a spiky speech balloon.

“No no no, this won’t do!” cries a witchy woman staring into a large circular pool of water, which is reflecting back an image of Wonder Woman carrying the wounded Hermes Birdman. The witchy woman is the Peacock Lady who beheaded a horse for no reason.

“What is it mother, you sound… distressed,” creeps in the heavily eye-shadowed shaved-head Sinead O’Connor woman from the cover art.

“Ha! A thing you’re never far from, eh, child?” Peacock quips.
“Mother, please. I just thought you might need some love,” Sinead responds.

Gettin’ strange and unsettling already. Peacock disrobes, displaying some partial nudity. “Love? You have no idea what I need,” she snaps while Sinead reclines against a wall. Her mother, the Queen? Pffft. Who gives a shit. Just a word and nothing more. You think you’re so great? Why do you think Father traipses off with all his many shorties and hos, mom? His mistresses pumping out hundreds of whelps a year? Can’t be because you’re so warm and kind!

“That damnable schemer Hermes has enlisted the Amazon to protect your father’s latest bastard,” Peacock announces, much to Sinead’s surprise!

TOM CONNECTS THE DOTS! Her husband is Zeus! Look at how smart I am.

Sinead offers help. Perhaps she can talk to her brother Ares! Whattaya say? No? That won’t help? OK! So where are they all right now, if you don’t mind her asking? She might pop in for a visit…

PARADISE ISLAND! We see Wonder Woman carrying the big, hefty sack of Hermes across a beach with Zola picking up the rear. “You should have left me behind, Amazon,” Hermes croaks…or clucks, I suppose. Wonder Woman is like WHY, so you can BLEED all over Zola’s house? Gross!

Paradise Island is the land of the Wonder Women. That’s a plural, you see. I suppose this is where Wonder Woman grew up? Where she lives now? I don’t know her origin story, so bear with me. Maybe this is where she vacations? Threatening voices emerge from the trees.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Them’s rootin’-tootin’ rough and tough fightin’ words!

WHO GOES THERE? The Queen’s daughter? Wonder Woman is the daughter of a Queen! Queen who? Queen Latifa? HA HA HA!

Women come out of hiding from behind the trees, all sheepish and “whoops” about it. One of them is Queen Hippolyta! Ugly name! According to Wikipedia she wears a warrior belt, but I don’t see it here. I’ll be on the lookout though, believe you me. That’s what’s important right now. Maybe it’s the studded belt with the pretty stars on it? Seems lame. Anyway, they say hi to each other.

Everyone makes themselves at home in the town square, where a couple of oily dudes wrestle in public for fun and entertainment. How about get a TV? “Hera’s jealousy is not just legend, but fact. If she knows your mortal companion carries Zeus’ child, she will stop at nothing…” Hippolyta warns.

NOW AGAIN, bear with me, because I was lucky to get a D- in any class involved mythology, Greek or Roman or Incan or Egyptian or otherwise, so I’m not going to know who’s banging who, or whose daughter is the son of another daughter’s son. I’ll likely learn all my Greek gods from the New 52 Wonder Woman, and that’s depressing enough.

“This is freakin’ wild, Bird Man,” Zola says in a residence while Hermes rests. Good to see I’m not the only one disrespecting this mofo.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Want some crackers, Bird Man?

“Can I ask you something,” Hermes clucks, tweets, whatever, “When Zeus consorts with a woman other than his wife, he chooses a form that will inspire an uncontrollable lust in them. Do you remember what Zeus came to you as?”

OK, uh, first of all, sir, that’s a wildly personal and inappropriate question to ask a woman, thank you. And second of all, if you must know, he looked like Ted Bundy with a mullet wearing a chili-stained “BAZINGA!” t-shirt and clutching a White Claw.

“A truck driver,” she responds sullenly. I wasn’t too far off! “Or a pool hustler. He coulda been in a band…I hope he was that guy…”

“Apparently, Zeus didn’t have to change his form too exotically to curry his favor,” Hermes responds, I’m sure in GOOD FAITH I guess, if you’re one of those autistic Greek gods who have no social skills.

“I like men, Hermes. And I’m not gonna apologize for that,” Zola snaps back, apologizing for her promiscuity! They made drugs in the ‘60s to help with that. Hermes advises her to keep that information to herself on this particular island.

Zola sits on a chair backwards and begins to “rap”, as the youngins say. She asks about Wonder Woman’s deal. It’s a long story.

So, here are the facts, Jack: Hippolyta had a poisonous, inhospitable womb and couldn’t conceive a child. Stay with me here. One night she went cuckoo and made a child out of clay. She prayed for the kid to be alive. Are you with me? It worked. Wonder Woman was made out of clay. Like a dreidel. A dark-haired, blue-eyed clay baby. Born completely independent of penis-in-vagina intercourse! How about them apples?

“That’s weird,” Zola concedes.
“Most legends are,” Hermes responds, tilting his head back in pain (either from the leg or talking to this annoying human, hard to say).

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Sport is a little bitter on my tongue, I fear. Although, I do enjoy the palatable sapor of chess, my friend. Or are you too much of a dumbshit??

Wonder Woman is approached by a much taller Amazonian woman named Aleka for a ROUND OF AMERICAN GLADIATORS! Aleka can be Ice. Wonder Woman can be Storm. Time for THE JOUST!

*whip whip smack whip joust joust joust*

An audience watches the gaiety with glee! A woman named Dessa sees the troubled expression of Queen Hippo’s face. She’s preoccupied with the fact that a young woman is on this island right now carrying Zeus’ child. One wonders if something might happen if t–

BOOOM! Well, that didn’t take long at all! All Queen Hippocampus had to do with verbalize her worries for less than four seconds and BLAMMO, an explosion and an enormous plume of smoke on the other side of the island, visible from the heart of the island’s…uh, downtown area. Everyone looks in horror, including the jousting Ice and Storm whom I don’t remember the real names of right now anymore! Oh yeah, one of them was Wonder Woman. She leads a pack of angry Amazonians! Time to fight the smoke monster on the island!

Emerging from the smoke is a smiling Sinead O’Connor! A guard tells her to stand down. Ha! She will never stand down! Standing down? What even is that? People stand up, motherfucker. Grrr. Her eyeballs get red and glowy…

“Spread out. We don’t know what we’re dealing with,” calls Wonder Woman to the rest of her crew. They spread out. Like good listeners.

One woman notices a serene, 50-foot tall bald chick just kind of sauntering through the jungle without a care in the world. She alerts the others, but she suddenly gets a spear right through the gut from seemingly out of nowhere. Another one gets speared. Another one gets a hail of arrows in her abdomen. It’s impossible to see what’s happening! It’s all out of thin air! Oh god! Oh god! “We are surrounded, sisters!” yells Aleka “Ice” McGladiator, “These warriors are like nothing we’ve ever faced!”

“DIE, INVADER!” Aleka cries, taking a swing at Wonder Woman. She’s like, are you goddamned nutty right now? What in tarnation are you doing?!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Yeah right! That sounds just like something that someone who is trying to attack me would say! DIE!!!

It looks like Wonder Woman’s the only one who is both wise to what’s going on and unaffected by Sinead O’Connor’s magic Greek goddess voodoo! “What do you expect, Princess…they attacked me first,” she says as she approaches Wonder Woman and the addled Aleka. Literally 50 feet tall. Wonder Woman only goes halfway up her shin. She has a pretty good view up her dress, but I doubt that there’s anything to write home about.

“Strife,” Wonder Woman declares, “Now this confusion makes sense.”

Strife, who I’d like to still continue calling Sinead O’Connor if I may, announces that she comes here in peace. Her brother Ares, Mr. Wartime, is not here! She promises! Swears to gods!

“Peace?” Wonder Woman snorts incredulously, preparing her lasso, “Your mocking lips spit a word your tongue has never tasted.”

Sinead, lookin’ coy, says she just wants to embrace her little sister! Where’s the widdle baby? Coochie coo! Etc.

Wonder Woman wonders (woman wonders woman wonders) how Strifey Sinead knows Zola is carrying a female child? Was there a gender reveal party that she wasn’t invited to??

Ha! Cute.

“No, Wonder Woman,” Strife O’Connor explains while hoisting her up by her little lasso, “I speak of YOU.”

Final Thoughts

Strife is pretty hot.


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