Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Home”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Blood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Clay”! In the previous installment, Wonder Woman returns to Paradise Island (her home) with young Zola and old Hermes. Zola carries Zeus’ child right now, which is causing quite a tizzy in the Greek god circles. Strife, who I endearingly nicknamed Sinead O’Connor, one of Zeus and Hera’s children, wants to intervene for reasons that aren’t clear yet! So she travels to Paradise Island and smashes around the place for a bit like Godzilla. Greek Godzilla. heh

Strife wants to talk to “her sister”. Wonder Woman thinks she’s referring to Zola’s unborn child. Strife is actually referring to Wonder Woman.

What a tangled web. We’re going to tangle it up even further now.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Brian Azzarello
“Clay”

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Look out, Wonder Woman, Medusa’s gonna show up next. Breaking your head off. Getting you stoned.

Fires burn on the beach of Paradise Island. Four separate ones, spaced about two feet apart from one another. They appear to be small wooden structures. The entire island is gathered around wearing facial expressions somewhere between forlorn and displeased. Maybe even gassy. We’ll find out what this all about later, certainly. How exciting and *yawn* suspenseful.

“Diana… my child… I will spend a lifetime… to take back this day,” Hippolyta laments alone in the ruined downtown area.

The next morning, many people on the beach are building the structures back up. Many other people are carrying deceased carcasses wrapped up like mummies off the premises.

A woman named Daphne looks sad. She admits to Aleka that she’s ashamed, and Aleka is like “WHY?!?” As you may remember, Aleka is the tough broad who jousted with Wonder Woman like they were on Amazonian Gladiators.

The conversation that Aleka and Daphne are having doesn’t really make much sense to me at the moment, having approximately 0.0000003% of the required Wonder Woman AND Greek mythology knowledge to be able to understand any reference beyond The Iliad, which I completely skipped reading in college. Fuck tha Iliad!

Daphne is ashamed, Aleka tells Daphne she has nothing to be ashamed of and that this obviously wasn’t her fault and that it was Clay.

Clay must be referencing Diana “Clay Davis”. As in, Princess Diana of Themyscira. Not that other Princess Diana who got mangled in a car crash because her driver was drunk and no one was wearing a seat belt. Easy to confuse the two, I know.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Oh hey, heh heh…uh, we didn’t see you there…

As you can see, the 1,000-ft woman lies in a relaxed lateral recumbent position, deriding the Isla Paradiso civilians. “Goddess… you trick us into murdering our own, then watch as we gather the horror we wrought,” scolds one unnamed woman, “And now you mock us?”

Jesus, if I were Strife I’d be mocking them too. How do you get tricked into murdering people and then cleaning up the mess? Sounds like a pretty dumb situation to me.

“…not since I was a little girl have I been called that,” Wonder Woman confides to Strife later while on a balcony. Strife’s not on a balcony, that would be irresponsible. “Of course,” Strife smiles, “Children can be so cruel.”

Down below at the street, Mr. Bird and Zola the Explola hobble up to the building. Birdy throws some shade, and Strife takes joy in this shade. “Perhaps I should come down to your level,” she says as she shrinks down to the height of a normal human woman. That would be somewhere between three feet and eight feet tall, by my calculations. *mashes calculator with face*

Hermes and Strife exchange fightin’ words. Hermes is about to disparage Strife’s mother, but Strife finishes his thought for him. It’s all very petty. Wonder Woman joins in too, likening the situation to a sociopathic child who pulls wings off of flies or burning ants with a magnifying glass.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

And they never play any of the fun gods. Only the vengeful ones. Oh wait… there aren’t any fun ones.

Strife takes Wonder Woman literally here, the “playing god” part, and tells her that they can stop playing gods and start being gods. Like, duh. Easy as 1-2-3 for those who are already gods!

“You said I was your sister,” Wonder Woman snaps, “I can’t think of anything I’d rather not be.”
“Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose our family…” Strife responds coyly, taking a goblet and filling to the brim with sweet, sweet nectar of the gods: Franzia boxed wine, baby.

Their mother was never very candid about this sort of thing. It probably wasn’t worth mentioning, honestly. Very trivial.

“Your father, Strife, was he more open?” hollers Queen Hungry Hungry Hippolyta and she approaches with her entourage of spear-wielding women. I believe Hippolyta is referring to Zeus’ legs, and that slut can never keep them closed.
“Wine would loosen his tongue around me, Queen Hippolyta,” Strife responds in a very Tyrion Lannister manner, only very much not even hella close as short!

Speaking of not being very candid about this sort of thing, Hippolyta takes this opportunity to admit to Wonder Woman that she fucked the balls off of Zeus before she made a clay baby and then the clay baby turned into a not-clay baby. We get to see a montage of them fighting while giving each other the ol’ sex eyes! Zeus’ eyeballs are quite literally sparking with unbridled electricity! Whoa mama!

“How did it start?” Hipplyta continues, already boring the shit out of everyone within a seventeen-mile radius of this four-mile radius island. That means she’s boring the fish too. “Those are details I prefer to keep to myself…”

Hooray!

Oh, she’s still talking about it? Nice heel turn, lady.

It was a tryst they didn’t want anyone to know about. The Queen of the Amazons cavorting with the King of the Gods?? Scandalous! TMZ would have a field day! They tried to hide it, but that was stupid of them. Zeus has cornrows.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

I can only imagine what they sang. Probably some BTS shit.

Meanwhile, while Hippolyta yammers about boning Zeus, Aleka and a woman who isn’t Daphne continue grumbling on the beach about Princess Diana, the Clay Intruder of Paradise Island. Overhearing the grumbling, a woman named Demi suggests killing the Queen and making it look like an accident. That’ll surely ruffle the Princess’ feathers!

“Those are treasonous words, Demi,” rebukes Not-Daphne with a furrowed brow that at least suggests to me that she actually means it. Aleka likes the idea, though.
“No, that is a question to consider, Sister… as is where does the Princess’ allegiance lie?”

Enough about that, though. We, the audience, demand more pages of the Queen and the God doing some lip-wrasslin’! “He– we– were glorious. Strength supporting strength… sinews entwined… absolute control…given up.” It’s just a bunch of of panels of these two in various sex positions. It’s not at all erotic. It sucks.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Yeah, so am I, but you don’t see me making a big deal about it.

I don’t know who this is now; there are too many unnamed characters to keep track of, but a woman is rallying a crowd with her sword in her left hand and a torch in her right. Reminds me of that Batman shaman cult nonsense I pushed through earlier. “Immortal life is a gift…” she yells, “but dying in battle is a prize to be coveted. It defines who we are.”

Warriors. Warriors want to die. Remind me never to become one UNLESS it’ll send me straight to Hell where all the fun people are.

Aleka can’t take it anymore. This woman speaking about sacrifice and honor and dying for their civilization? Fuck that! “Amazons, we have been compromised! Paradise is ruined.

That seems a little dramatic to me! You can’t ruin Paradise. Paradise is unruinable!

Hippolyta is still spilling her guts all over Wonder Woman, who looks uncomfortable and probably just wants to leave the island now. “Our passion left me pregnant, and to guard that secret, I left him. He did not follow. Quickly I learned, possessing a god has scant to do with keeping him.”

You know what this means, right? Hippolytapotamus got knocked up. Diana wasn’t a clay baby. She was a regular baby. And if Hera ever found out, she would kill her five times before she hit the ground! And so forth.

Wonder Woman isn’t happy about any of this. Seems to her like her whole life up to this point has been one big, fat lie. “This was a conspiracy?” she growls, looking absolutely feral, “Mother? Why…?”

Again, ma’am, it’s because Hera would kill you if she ever found out. Weren’t you listening? This was kind of important. You should listen a little better!

Also love, etc.

Wonder Woman glumly looks her mother right in the eye. “When I left Paradise Island, do you know why? I ask, because you never did.”

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

“There are some children who need to go away” is right. Most apt thing I’ve heard all day.

Hippolyta didn’t ask because she respected her daughter’s decision to fuck off from the nest. Kids grow up after all and whatnot. Meh, not good enough. “You’re a fool,” her daughter tells her as she storms away, “And you made one out of me.”

Well that was awkward. What’s next?

Wonder Woman is punching down trees in a forest in the outskirts of town. Again, this seems a little dramatic. I know that when my own mother told me I wasn’t actually a clay baby, I didn’t start punching down trees immediately. It took a few weeks for me to get to that point.

She makes her way to the beach where the rest of the angry Amazons are waiting. On her hands and knees, Wonder Woman stares at the mob with fire in her eyes.

“The she is, Sisters–” declares Aleka, torch in hand, “–the one who brought shame to our isla–”

PUNCH! Wonder Woman socks her in the goddamn jaw before she can finish her sentence. Blood everywhere! You love to see it!

Wonder Woman has the torch now, bitch! The rest of the Amazons are stunned. Concerned. Maybe a little bit cold on the beach at night. Who has the upper hand now? She blows into the torch and sets the four wooden structures aflame. Check the beginning of this issue; we’ve come full circle. The bodies are being burned.

“The only shame on this island is mine,” Wonder Woman calmly states with CONVICTION, “and I will take it from you all…never to return.”

Yeah right, you’ll be back before the McRib.

Final Thoughts

I will say this: the writing here is phenomenal. The best I’ve come across so far by a mile. Beats Mark Waid’s “get ‘em Cap’n! Wotta riot! Woop woop woop, howzeedoindat?”, which is such a high bar to begin with.

I just looked up a picture of Brian Azzarello. He looks like if Walter White and Scott Ian from Anthrax had a baby, and then someone scared that baby pretty badly.


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The Descendants (2011)

Tagline:
Goodbye, my love, my friend, my pain, my joy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Wide Release Date:
November 18, 2011

Directed by:
Alexander Payne
Written by:
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash
Based on the novel by:
Kaui Hart Hemmings
Produced by:
Jim Burke, Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor

Starring:
George Clooney
Shailene Woodley
Beau Bridges
Judy Greer

The Descendants

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Keep an eye on that George Clooney, he’s really going places!

I saw this movie in the theater. It was Monday, March 5th, 2012. I remember this because it was Casimir Pulaski Day, a fake-ass Illinois state-wide holiday with no real celebrations revolving around it at all. I was unemployed and, therefore, spending a lot of time atrophying my muscles on the couch. My wife, it being Casimir Pulaski Day, certainly, had the day off from work. We took advantage of this free weekday to eat giardiniera-slathered Italian beef sandwiches and go see the motion picture talkie The Descendants.

I loved it. A matinee ticket cost $8 each so I was probably nervous about spending ALL THAT MONEY on a gamble, and maybe I was just thrilled to be doing something other than browsing Reddit and listening to Captain Beefheart or The Fall for eleven hours a day, but I had a fantastic time! I remember it being mostly sad and I remember Shailene Woodley’s boyfriend getting punched in the face. And Beau Bridges was there.

So I don’t remember much.

The Descendants - Beau Fucking Bridges

Stargate SG-1‘s VERY OWN Beau Bridges?!?!

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

George Clooney is Matt King, a trial lawyer based out of Hawaii who finds himself as the sole trustee of family-owned Hawaiian land. The trust expires in seven years, and he has a bunch of lowlife cousins like fuckin’ Beau Bridges over here, Hugh King. He, along with the others, wants Matt to sell the land. Matt is torn between the money and the family history that a bunch of white boys like the King family have for generations in Hawaii.

Shit hits the fan when Matt’s wife, Elizabeth, enters a coma following a boating accident. Now he has two daughters to deal with by himself: 10-year-old Scottie (Amara Miller) and 17-year-old Alex (Shailene Woodley). He then learns that his wife’s coma is permanent, and her living will stipulates the ol’ plug pull. Scottie is too young to really connect with what’s going on with her mother, but Alex is torn between emotions; mostly because she hasn’t forgive her for cheating on her father. A bit of information that Matt has just learned from her.

The Descendants - Alex in the Pool

We all gotta do a little cathartic pool-cryin’ now and then.

Matt shakes his two friends for information regarding Elizabeth’s affair partner, Brian Speer (Matthew Lillard), and arranges for a trip to Kauai to hunt down this motherfucker and give him the old one-two-buckle-my-shoe. Flip him like a pancake, see? Alex brings her laidback boyfriend Sid (Nick Krause) along, who says blunt things for comedic effect! He also gets punched in the face by Matt’s father-in-law, a scene I had previously mentioned was very memorable to me!

In the midst of finding Brian Speer, Matt is informed that Brian stands to gain incredible wealth from the possible land sale in commission since he works with the developer, Speer’s brother-in-law, who is interested in buying. Complicated feelings mount. After finding Brian’s vacation beach house, Matt gets to know Brian Speer’s wife Julie Speer (Judy Greer, how’s that name for a stretch? Eyes up here, Michael) as they are both spending family time on the beach. She seems nice. A little flighty, but nice. They have two kids.

Matt and Alex team up to confront Brian in the evening while his whole family is home. After deciding to tell everyone who knows Elizabeth to say goodbye before they pull the plug on her, Matt extends the same courtesy to Brian in spite of his overwhelmingly negative feelings. Brian admits that he never actually loved Elizabeth even though she loved him. Again, Matt has no idea how to really feel about this revelation. I think it sucks hard.

Plug is pulled and Elizabeth dies. Brian is too much of a coward to show his face at the hospital, but Julie makes the visit on his behalf in an effort to try to forgive him and/or Elizabeth. She says she does, but she’s lying.

The Descendants - Burial at Sea

Yeah, good idea. Do your part to pollute the ocean just a little bit more.

Matt decides not to sell the land (angering his shiftless cousins), and everything is wrapped up in a neat, little bittersweet package. The family dumps Elizabeth’s cremated remains into the ocean. They all eat some ice cream in front of the couch. The end.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Coma Time!

As part of my semi-recent plane crash onto Existential Crisis Island, this movie caused me to put myself within a unique point of view: the comatose woman.

Maybe that’s a bit narcissistic. I can empathize and have a panic attack about Matt’s situation. I can understand the angst and turmoil of Alex’s situation. I can even understand the precocious naïvety of Scottie’s situation. But, honestly, I predominately placed myself in Elizabeth’s shoes.

Imagine the small world around you collapsing directly because you fell into a coma. And you don’t even know it! And you never will! You get to be unhappy and have an affair and then die with no repercussions while everyone around you suffers! How lucky is that shit?

Right? Haha! Well, I’m being facetious. I did spend some time thinking about how much it would rule to die while in a coma. It’s the ideal situation! You get knocked in the fucking head by a brick and you spend your remaining days alive, but basically dead. It’s like a comfortable stepping stone to actually being dead, and that’s something I can get behind!

But, really, thinking about death like this is a sign of depression. So I’m gonna keep that shit in check and watch more depressing movies like the Descendants so I can think about death some more. Wait a minute! D’oh!

TOPIC 2 — Sid

Sid brings the comic relief, but that’s not all he’s here for as it turns out! It doesn’t seem that way, since he says stupid Beavis & Butthead shit and gets punched in the face and laughs at dumb things! But he has depth and I’m grateful for it.

The Descendants - Alex and Sid

Pictured on the left: Beavis AND Butthead. All in one person.

Of course, he cries wolf by lying about his brother being mentally challenged, which causes Matt himself to consider a good old-fashioned face punch. When Sid reveals to Matt later during a one-on-one scene that his father had died in a drunk driving accident a few months back, both Matt and the audience are understandably wary that it will turn out to be another insensitive joke. It’s not, and it’s all the more impactful.

We see Matt not knowing how to feel about this kid’s confession whatsoever while Sid kind of looks melancholy and sympathetic. In a movie full of powerful moments, this was the most powerful.

Sorry, I forgot to be funny! That happens sometimes. Every time.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

George Clooney was attracted to the part because he so often has played characters that have their act together. The character of Matt clearly does not.
Ohhhhh, perfect George Clooney is tired of playing perfect George Clooney roles! He wants to instead play a millionaire who “doesn’t have is act together”. If this is what not having his act together looks like, then I don’t have any more words to say.

The Descendants - Brian Speer on the Phone

Check it out, a Nigerian prince wants to give me money! All I need to do is provide an up-front wire transfer!

The phone number shown on George Clooney’s character’s Blackberry for Gold Coast Real Estate – (808) 926-7525 – really is the phone number for Honolulu’s Gold Coast Real Estate, Inc.
There you go, there’s the number. Tell them that you were referred by TomWritesAboutStuff.com and I’ll give you a free hat that I found on the shoulder of the highway. The tire marks will not come out.

Beau Bridges is very familiar with the Hawaiian islands. He attended the University of Hawaii as a young man.
Here’s an even funner of a fun fact: Hawaii wasn’t even a state yet when he started his freshman year. That’s how old and desiccated Beau Bridges is.

Kristen Stewart auditioned for the role of Alexandra.
Oh man, a role that required a range of emotions? We really missed out.

When Sid tells Matt that he would beat Brian Speer’s testicles with a spiked bat if he were Matt, he is paraphrasing a skit from the album “Enter the 36 Chambers” by the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, this one is pretty legit. If Brian Speer was played by Method Man (an actor in his own right), then I probably wouldn’t actually skirt the idea of smashing his nuts. That’s just me though.

The first time Alexander Payne has worked with small children.
That’s some odd trivia right here. It’s an unsettling sentence. It’s almost like maybe… he… shouldn’t… be doing that??

The Descendants - Brian and Julie Speer

One. Big. Happy. Family.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes. Nothing particularly adventurous or eventful happens, but it’s a very pleasant movie based around complex, realistic, and strong emotions in a situation where no one really knows what to do or how to feel. The Brian Speer confrontation is the highlight, where you can visibly see the gears spinning in Matt’s head with respect to his conflicting emotions. George Clooney and Shailene Woodley are standouts in in their roles, with their direct father/daughter dynamic especially engaging. Amara Miller plays a fairly good slightly angsty 10-year-old, but her acting chops still needed some sharpening. Not bad for a first movie, though, I gotta admit. Nick Krause’s character is there merely for comic relief, but even he is less two-dimensional than the first impression suggests.

Good to know that my unemployment brain didn’t drastically enhance the experience by actually getting me out of the house for a few hours!


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 3: “The Peddler”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

The peddler ROLLS into town and now I gotta flip back and forth from the Glossary. Ugh. Should’ve just stay away from Two Rivers, you lousy piece of shit.

This peddler guy, Padan Fain — he’s a big ol’ attention whore and he simply cannot wait to tell an entire village some awful, apocalyptic news. News so devastating that the Village Council all but grabs this guy by the ear and drags him into their closed-doors meeting, leaving the rest of the people seething with anxiety and curiosity.

Anyway, since nobody in the Two Rivers tri-country area gets the Internet, they need a world traveler like Fain to bring the juicy gossip. Today, it’s about a war going on in Ghealdan. As he puts it, “the standard of the Dragon has been raised”. And this is scary for a lot of mouthbreathers in Emond’s Field.

The Dragon, as mentioned in the Prologue, was Lews Therin. A madness that overtook him and all the rest of the Aes Sedai men during the, uh, Time of Madness was so great that it caused Lews Therin to kill everyone in his bloodline! That’s some dark shit.

Oh, the Aes Sedai? They are the Wielders of the One Power. They’re all women now, duh, because the Time of Madness purged the men from their little clan. People blame them for Breaking the World.

Slow down, Tom, you motherfucker. What this Time of Madness stuff? Breaking the World? Sounds overdramatic! And it is! Lews Therin helped seal up the Dark One, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and this somehow tainted saidin. That’s the male half of the True Source, if you’re out there only half-paying attention like I am. This tainted saidin led to the madness of the male half of the Aes Sedai and the world got all crazy fucked up. Sudden mountains, 9,000,000 mph winds, sands in everyone’s face, lots of death and destruction. It’s like if Y2K really happened! Why the women are to blame, I have no idea!

OK, Wielders of the One Power? Aes Sedai! I already answered that!

The townsfolk are all hoping, praying, that this is just some another false Dragon. These false Dragons pop in every few years, amass a following, a bunch of people drink the Kool-Aid and we all move on. Peddler Padan Fain smirks at this naiveté! Winters have been sucking harder lately. Crops aren’t growing has high! Global warming, people?? Do you think the world isn’t starting to break all around you?? This Dragon is the real deal!

So that’s where we’re at. War is breaking out and the world is breaking out and so is Rand’s acne-riddled face. The peddler’s news is way better than anything some dirtbag gleeman has in store for them, and everyone has been fawning over the gleeman for three chapters now. It’s getting sickening.

Chapter 3 ends with Rand embarrassing himself in front the girl he has the hots for, Egwene. She gets mad at him. She’s ripe for marrying age now, and she’ll be dancing around the Marriage Pole (which sounds hilariously like a strip club to me), which makes Rand’s ears go all red! It’s little taste of levity before the gleeman finally shows up to stink up the place in Chapter 4.


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Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Zodiac (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4 – “Zodiac (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the astrology dudes spend a lot of time fighting the dudes with the tights while Black Widow tries to run away with the briefcase full of Reality-Ruining garbage. The fight goes on for a while. Thor is a god and even he was having trouble hitting these guys with his big Thor hammer in an incapacitating manner.

All this fighting summons Thanos and he’s pissed. I think Thanos was just looking for a reason to show up. He caught up on all the new episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale and was looking for something to do anyway.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [August, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 4)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Arrows can’t stop the Hulk! Look at him, they only make him angrier! And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry… well, actually, I like him when he’s angry. He gets shit done when he’s angry.

“Thanos, I am Thor, son of Odin, prince of Asgardia,” he announces to the newly-arrived villain, as if they haven’t crossed paths a trillion times before already. They must have, right?

He tells Thanos to back off. Earth is under his protection! It’s in this contract here, see? *accidentally flashes the first page of his erotic Inuyasha fan fiction* So take yourself and your Zodiac posse and find a butt in outer space that you can crawl back into.

HAR HAR HAR! Do you think the Mighty Thanos is afraid of little ants like Thor?? He will crush you like a little ant! He revs up his blue-energy-sphere fists.

Tony Stark is a trifle nervous; he reports a “cosmic-level breach situation” to the White House. The President of the United States of a America is like “whuzzat mean?” Well, sir, it means the most dangerous thing to happen on the planet is now happening on the planet. In your own backyard. Put down your yo-yo and come listen for a minute. Tony Stark is faxing us the info now. Just wait a minute… … … wait a minute… … … here it comes… … … … … uh

“I do not come here lightly, Odinson. Nor did I involve myself in your affairs,” Thanos claims, like it’s inconvenient for him to come down from his Cloud Castle of Rainbows and trounce Earth.

The President’s council asks Stark what he will need for them to do. It’s time to act fast! Like snapping fingers: that fast.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Hey now, I just need to soak in the various sights and sounds! Is the Eiffel Tower still as pointy as I remember??

Tony Stark panics. Thanos is most certainly here for the Ultimate Nullifier whozits, and everyone needs to do everything they can to distract him from obtaining it. Stark, meanwhile, will raid the pantry for Ruffles and S’mores Pop Tarts. “Mr. President, this is the difference between our existence and our not existence,” Stark explains in layman’s terms that any president, even possibly the one between 2016-2020, would understand. But do not quote me on that whatsoever. “We are at DEFCON 1,000, sir”, he continues, displaying his lack of knowledge about how the DEFCON numbers go up when things are safer. Smartest man in the world my ass.

“I’m not here to rule you, that I promise,” Thanos speaks, “Yours is a world of the strongest of spirits, and yet– the weakest of minds.” Hey, I’ll show you weakest of minds! Listen to this: Neo-cubism! Isosceles triangles! And so forth.

In short, this little pissant planet isn’t worth taking over anyway. So shove it, MC Hammer, and let Thanos raze the place to the ground and start anew.

“And with that threat, you leave me no choice but to–” Thor swings the hammer like he’s a four-year-old barely hitting a baseball off of a tee. Hulk grabs Thor’s arm and Thanos smiles. “Weakest of minds…”

“Hulk not in control,” Hulk grimaces before he smashes the fuck out of Thor’s face with his own hammer.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Absolutely hilarious to me. Eat shit, Thor.

Captain America isn’t having it anymore! He flings his shield, which is the only thing he knows how to do in this world. Nothing happens. “Murder them for me,” Thanos instructs Hulk.

Great, so now they all have to start blasting Hulk before he crushes them all into car-like cube-like car cubes. Hawkeye even shoots him in the mouth with an exploding arrow! FABOOM! Now his stupid green head is on fire. This is hilarious stuff.

While Avengers are fighting one of their own, Thanos turns to his own and kindly informs them that there’s still a deal that needs to be wrapped up. Get the Ultimate Nullifier before he really loses his cool.

“I like this guy,” Gemini says before turning back into his two-guy Gemini thing. The rest of the Zodiac follow suit.

Meanwhile, Black Widow is flying in Nick Fury’s abandoned hover car with a few of the helicarrier’s officers. The President gives Acting Commander Maria Hill full dispensation to immediately fly over the Atlantic Ocean and blow her craft to kingdom come. So, after a quick, hearty steak and eggs breakfast and trip to the Redbox outside of Walgreens, she tells her entire crew to abandon the ship.

That will prove difficult, ma’am. There’s a Hulk-like creature on the ship. Possibly the Hulk.

The rest of the Avengers continue to do beat-’em-ups on their green friend even though an exploding arrow in the mouth sounds damn near impossible to be able to, uh, stay alive afterward.

“Ms. Romanova,” Thanos addresses Black Widow, who seems to have more spellings of her surname than Muammar Gaddafi, “You have something that belongs to me, dear. Zodiac, take it back.” Heheh, that rhymes.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

ANNIE OAKLEY TIME! YEE-HAW!

Black Widow doesn’t like that idea, so she shoots a big gun all willy-nilly. Evacuation from the ship continues. 20 seconds until kablooie.

“Mission accomplished, sir,” Maria Hill announces, crying before pushing the button.
“Earthers,” Thanos addresses his subservients, “You play a game that you don’t even know the–”

KABLOOIE! Right on schedule.

Then darkness.

Then a hail of fiery shrapnel hitting the beach where Captain America and Iron Man are panting and gasping and flopping and writhing. The White House Situation Room tries to radio the Avengers, but the transmission is riddled with static and the president is riddled with syphilis. “This is Tony Stark. I hear you, Mr. President,” he answers, always the kiss-ass. Smooch smooch. Stark advises MISTER PRESIDENT to secure the shore with the army and coast guard. Meanwhile, did someone say something about steak and eggs?

The President wants to know if the Nullifier is in good hands. And it’s sort of like, I ‘unno. The Avengers are still trying to keep the Hulk at bay. Thor launches back at His Hulkiness with his hulky hammer, but Iron Man stops him in his tracks. He speaks to the god as if he were a child. “Thor, stop, he was being controlled. Stop, it was Thanos.”

Thor doesn’t like that shit, but he relents nonetheless. Hulk will get his comeuppance soon enough. Perhaps an unscrewed salt shaker while he prepares to eat his steak and eggs.

“EVERYONE HATES HULK, EVEN WHEN I TRY TO HELP!” he bellows. lol, you got that right.

Captain America needs everyone to clear out! They’re still not safe! There could be another boom any second and–

BOOM! Whoops.

Scene change! Is it a flashback? A flashforward? A flashsideways? Easy there, Jack Shephard. We’re in an interrogation room. A bald man sits somberly in his interrogation chair. Interrogation light bulbs hang over his head.

“Mr. King, can you hear me? We know you are now, John King. We know you used to help run the Hood’s operation. We know who all of you Zodiac are… or what’s left of you… so start talking.”

Captain America is doing the interrogating. He’s making a face that suggests he’s currently trying to push out a large turd. BUT HE WANTS ANSWERS! WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW FROM WHENCE AND WHICH. All of you Zodiac types seem well-connected to various MARVEL UNIVERSE evil-doers! How did this happen? Who what where when you get the picture.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Thump thump. Two hits. Me hitting you and you hitting the floor.

Also where is Thanos? Where is Thanos? WHERE IS THANOS? Where’s Thanos? That’s all I wanna know. Huh, String? String? Where the fuck is Thanos? Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Where the fuck is Thanos? Huh, Stringer?

“There’s someone at the door,” John King says meekly. He’s wearing the symbol of Cancer, the sixty-nining.

It’s Iron Man. “He’s not going to talk to you,” he tells his dimwit friend. “According to his rap sheet, that squirrel of a man has been to prison six times.”

Well ain’t that a humdinger! Let’s make it seven! Tell him to bring his punch card, three more and he gets to execute a guard of his choice. Anyway, he’s not going to squeal on nobody. Cut him loose.

“I’ll talk to him,” suggests Hawkeye. He’s got that mischievous charm!
“No, Hawkeye, this is my area of expertise,” suggests Black Widow, the one with the real persuasive advantage (boobs). And she wishes to be alone (sex).

She closes the door and says hello to King. She pulls out of a bag some rope, a hammer, a knife, a butane torch, a garden claw, and some pliers. “Where is Thanos?”

Oh me oh my! Captain America would like this one bit! How about a little titty instead? That seems more harmless, albeit just as sinful…

Outside the room, Thor reports that Maria Hill is ok, and so are all the S.H.I.E.L.D. officers, but no sign of Thanos. Did everyone check all the steak and eggs breakfast diners? No? Well shit. Iron Man locks down his precious, precious Avengers Tower until this whole thing is settled. However, they can’t rule out that Thanos might scale the building like King Kong.

Black Widow returns quickly. The blubbering Cancer Man reports that this voice came him and told him to assemble a fucked up Zodiac team. Maybe he’ll finally make something of himself this way! Unlikely, BUT it’s a chance to prove that he might not be the lost cause everyone thinks he is, especially his own mother!

All he had to do, along with the other eleven, was collect a bunch of stuff. Like a scavenger hunt! Except they were told exactly where to find everything, so it was easy-peasy. And if they did everything this guy said, and gave him all the inane little trinkets that he asked for, they get to keep their Zodiac powers! Some real god-like stuff. Powerful enough to cut the Earth in two like a hot knife through so much Earth-shaped butter.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #4

Iron Man built some sad eyes into his suit for just such an occasion.

Sounds hopeless. 12 individuals more powerful than THOR? THOR HIMSELF? Thor works out, man! He eats a lot of protein! That’s messed up.

Something doesn’t add up, though. Doesn’t add up at all. 5 + 4 = 10?? Bullshit! Something’s missing! “A creature of Thanos’ power…” Thor considers, “Why does he need a cadre of mortal puppets?”

“Exactly,” Captain America agrees, a dim light bulb clicking inside his mushy head, “Why not do whatever he needs to do himself, and quickly?”

Black Widow confirms that at least the Nullifier is safe. For now. But what are they gonna do? DO THEY NEED TO ASSEMBLE MORE AVENGERS??? Aren’t they busy beating up gold-colored gods who are terraforming Mars. There are about 38 members already covering that one. Sounds to me like they’re shit out of luck…

Nope! A team arrives with knowledge of who Thanos is, what he wants, why he wants it, and how to stop him!

It’s the Guardians of the Galaxy! *trumpet fart*

Final Thoughts

Yuck. Chris Pratt and a raccoon and a tree? Go eat an entire turd. Nobody wants that business mucking up the story. I have standards, you know.


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East of West, Issue #28 – “The Fall of the White Tower”

* Part 13 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #28 – “The Fall of the White Tower”! In the previous installment, Thomas shoots that motherfucker Ezra “Prophet” Orion, which instigates a massive riot. Millions upon millions of Message pilgrims start trying to kill the treacherous Chosen, which leads to Wolf’s death and possibly Narsimha’s. Most of them pile into the ship to get away. Archibald and Constance stick around to blend into the mob.

Stuff is really getting out of control. And still, Xiaolian remains safe and sound humping naked women in her private bathhouse. I’m imagining that in my head. Quite vividly, actually.

East of West, Issue #28 [July, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Fall of the White Tower”

East of West, Issue #28

A jacked Death is hanging out in the desert with his walking eyeball buddy. “We’ve been chasin’ the sun for two days. How much longer ‘til we find my son?” he asks the Roamin’ Rhymin’ Eye. “Soon, soon, you’ll see. You’ve got to be believin’ me,” it coos all syrupy. The tracker still works, Mr. Eyeball is on top of things. Relax, guy. We just need to wait a little while longer to, you know, finish the triangulation and whatnot!

“So you’re telling me our meanderin’ – and your general lack of urgency… is because you’re waitin’ to find out the precise location?” he frowns, staring daggers at the eyeball with his one eye. It’s eyeball vs. Eyeball, and I think the Eyeball would win this staring contest.

Well, that is spot on, yes. Eyeball wants them to make a straight beeline toward Sonny Boy. Death is antsy because the kid is toast if the scouts find him first. This is when Eyeball backpedals and agrees that “their time could’ve been put to better use”.

This doesn’t sit well with our favorite #1 Cuddly Guy, so he grabs Mr. Eye and does a big, rough squeeze. Even through this it’s all poetry. “No don’t do anything you’ll regret. It’s me you need – best not forget. Don’t be mad – I know what to do. From now on, our path will be true!”

It’s all very cute, isn’t it? Death has had enough. “You’re an eye… I’m assumin’ that means you work the same way as a regular one.”

Then he sticks the eyeball in his pants and bullies him into looking at his dick. Well, that would be happening if I wrote it.

Death wants to see what the eye sees, and all he needs is light and a place to project the image on… so he prods a poker into their bonfire and sticks it up the Eyeball’s ass, so to speak. Image is projected on the ground.

East of West, Issue #28

Start talkin’ Eyeball Jones. I can rhyme too, I got the stones.

The map is of Ahab’s Pass, so that’s where they’re headed at dawn. I’ve got a good feeling about this! Something tells me nothing is going to go wrong whatsoever!

“Run. Run as fast as you can.”

“The future is coming to kill you.”

A group is waiting at Ahab’s Pass. They look like a real dream team of shaggy, lumpy men. A flying robot bug guy comes back to the group with a report that Babylon must be close. He discovered two abandoned campsites along the river, and the distance between them will tell them roughly how much time it will take before they show up.

A Republic of Texas looking motherfucker named Billy Blackgun – a man who refers to himself in the third person – already sent word to the Atlas with no response. He thinks Hunter might be dead.

A woman in a hood says that it don’t matter. If he’s dead, he’s dead. They still have a job to do: kill him.

A jumpy man named Wyatt, who is missing an eyeball, isn’t comfortable with continuing the job if Hunter is dead. They’ll all have a big target on their backs! Fuuuuck that!

East of West, Issue #28

Pop a Xanax, Wyatt. Calm the fuck down, I can see your tonsils.

Billy Blackgun ain’t afraid of no bullseye! Put it on Billy’s head, it don’t mean no never mind to Billy! It definitely ain’t mean no such as not at all never mind! He rambles like a psychotic lunatic for about four speech balloons and then suggests they split up. Some keep going. Some go back to the Atlas.

Flying robot bug guy disagrees. What appears to be the words of the man he used to be are spoken in between sentences of the conversation. “I remember fields and flowers. My wife and my children. What has happened to me?” and “My son was Jonah. He was five and just learned to ride a bike. My daughter was Hannah. She loved to sing in the choir.”

A woman named Ursula at the Atlas is spearheading this mission, and she wants the job done first dangit. The plan is as follows, now listen up because it’s very important and very hard to remember. Ready: they wait until nighttime and they look for a campfire.

Then it’s settled! Red Team and Blue Team. Red Team, go do stuff. Blue Team, sit on the couch and eat pizza rolls! Annnnnd, go!

Wyatt storms away. He wants money and this doesn’t sound like money. Screw you guys, I’m goin’ home.

As he tries to ride away, someone caps Wyatt on the side of his abdomen. “Wat dis? Wat dis!?! You done gone shot me over dis? You gone shot me cause I wanna get paid? Cause I want my money? You listen here – Wyatt ain’t no free boy! Wyatt ain’t no–”

He gets shot again, lmao. Right through the skull this time.

Not about the money. It’s about finishing the job. “Oh my God, we shot that man,” speaks the robot bug guy’s inner voice. “We killed him. Who am I? What have I become?”

Hey, we haven’t seen Babylon in a while, speak of the little devil! He’s trying to fight a warthog that he sees as one of those Hell Demons that Orion wants to buttfuck so badly these days. Well, not these days. He’s dead now. Other days, though.

He fights while the warthog tries to chew him in half. Unfortunately, he’s not successful.

East of West, Issue #28

Tear his ass up, Warty! I wanna see some guts!

The warthog even starts licking him playful, and then begins to doze while Babylon flumps on top of him. “See Balloon. I told you I didn’t need to kill him.”

Balloon calls him quite fortunate. Babylon doesn’t agree. In fact, after doing a bit of thinking, Babylon says they got to him before the world did. “If there’s anything you’ve taught me, it’s that conditioning starts early.”

“Oh? Did I?” Balloon responds. “I don’t remember teaching you that? In fact, I don’t think that was in your programming at all.”

Well, yeah, Balloon never explicitly said anything. Babylon just… well, he’s drawing from his own experience. Whoops, we’re starting to think freely! That ain’t good! Balloon’s going to have to pop this kid before the kid pops him. Like a balloon.

Babylon has an idea! When they tear down the world and build up a better one, shouldn’t they have child farms so they can cull the shitty kids from the better kids? Eugenics! Balloon thinks this idea is top drawer! “Maybe you could give it a catchy name. Something like… a school,” Balloon smiles.

“Hmmm. Babylon’s school for little piggies. I like it!”

East of West, Issue #28

Ummm… they called you a “stinky butthead”, ma’am. And that your butt smells really bad.

Let’s go to New Shanghai. We haven’t been there in quite some time. Xiaolian sits alone on her steps.

An envoy returns with news from the Southern Gate and the gathering of the nations. That shit was wack. The Chosen started fighting, a riot ensued. It was kind of cool, actually. Wish you were there!

Problem is, Orion’s stupid army of believers are going to start closing in on the Endless Nation. They are allies, as one might recall, and Orion’s stupid army of believers currently stands at dozens of thousands! DOZENS OF THOUSANDS! That’s a lot of thousands.

Xiaolian sits nervously. She looks like she’s wearing one of those pointy Madonna bras. She lifts up the locket Death gave here. The one she can speak into and he’ll hear it, but she’ll never know if he heard it. A really cool gift. I gave one of those to my wife the other day. It works, I swear.

Among other things, the House of Mao will start eliminating threats like they were stains and she’s, like, stain remover. “If you are listening…” she says into the lump of metal, “If you hear me… We are out of time. The end is here. So I beg you… Ride, my love… Ride like you have never ridden before.”

Oh, he rides all right. He’s got that Death face that looks like he’s trying to poop out a wrench coming out sideways. Find their son now, or he’ll be lost to them forever. Poopypants Babylon, gotta go fetch him.

East of West, Issue #28

Someone’s gonna have to kill that kid for Death to be able to find him. Calling it now.

Poopypants Babylon and Balloon are at the bottom of a canyon. “I don’t feel lost,” Babylon argues, but Balloon knows what lost is and Babylon doesn’t know what lost is at all. So, yes, they’re lost. Don’t fucking talk back, kiddo.

“Pfft. That’s just knowing where you’re headed, Balloon,” Babylon talks back after Balloon mentions technological malarkey like orbital satellite triangulation and magnetic field directors and vibrators with AAA batteries in them. “It doesn’t have anything to do with being lost. I know exactly why I’m right here at this very moment. Do you?”

Looks like Babylon’s trying to keep things emotional instead of literal. You are never lost when it comes to FRIENDSHIP! ♫♫ Babylon and Balloon forever… ♫♫

“You’re becoming a very frustrating young man, Babylon,” Balloon mutters all salty. Babylon doesn’t think Balloon should be frustrated at all! It’s beautiful outside! A good place to set up camp.

East of West, Issue #28

This little psychopath is finally starting to make some sense to me!

When Babylon asks if the Earth will burn as hot and white at the stars in the sky, well… it was really quite touching. It brought a tear to my little eye. And with the comfortable thought that the fiery extinguishing of the Earth will be a beautiful sight to behold, Babylon settles in for his evening slumber.

“BABYLON! WAKE UP!” yells a distraught Balloon, “We need to break camp and look for cover immediately!

Oh no, what is it? Bandits?! UFOs?! Traveling circuses?! Amish families selling pies?! Balloon discovered movement in the distance! It’s not an animal, it’s something more… sinister. We’re not ruling out the UFOs just yet, but Balloon instead suspects it’s “the worst sort of humans there are. Ones that have no problem at all hurting children like you.

And yes, it’s the group of real winners we saw early. Some really smart cookies. Some real good Samaritans. Some real salt of the earth pie-selling old school Christians. Robot Bug Guy. Billy Blackgun. Some others.

Babylon’s gonna ruin these guys.

Final Thoughts

Characters are converging again. We’re gonna see some serious shit in the final issue of the storyline! Strap yourselves in, bootlickers! It’s Chinatown!


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