I Am Mother (2019)

Tagline:
She’ll keep you safe.

Wide Release Date:
June 7, 2019

Directed by:
Grant Sputore
Written by:
Michael Lloyd Green, Grant Sputore
Produced by:
Timothy White, Kelvin Munro

Starring:
Clara Rugaard
Rose Byrne
Hilary Swank

I Am Mother

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I had a coworker named Bart who would recommend movies constantly, constantly, even though he knew I wasn’t much of a movie watcher. I spent ten years working with him before he moved on to another job, but the list of movies is endless and he continues to text me with recommendations. I barely remember any of them! Usually, I’d pass along the recommendations to my dad. They both had similar tastes in cerebral science fiction, and eventually Bart would start cherry picking movies my dad would like because, you know, I was a lost cause.

I Am Mother stuck with me because Bart told me to watch this one without reading a single thing about it. No reviews, no synopses, no nuthin’. My dad watched the movie and he absolutely agreed. Go in blind. And now, three years later and without an iota of prior knowledge (not even the cast), the time is ripe!


THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s some year in the future! It could be 2160. It could be 2029. Humans have gone extinct, but there is a kickass bunker full of technology equipment, food, medical supplies, and dozens of frozen human embryos! The place is overseen by a spiffy automaton named Mother (voiced by Rose Byrne), named as such because she is raising a young human through the course of the movie. The young human is aptly named Daughter (Clara Rugaard).

I Am Mother - Mother

The very definition of a MILF, baby.

Daughter grows up with no human contact other than through endless old episodes of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Daughter spends the majority of her existence building knowledge in an impossibly broad range of fields and taking exams. She is not allowed to leave the bunker, as Mother claims the outside world is contaminated. Therefore, Daughter has never left the bunker.

Daughter’s world is rocked when she discovers a woman, aptly named Woman (Hilary Swank), crying for help outside of the airlock. After a bout of internal conflict, Daughter allows the wounded Woman to enter the bunker with a hazmat suit. Woman claims that Mother cannot be trusted. Daughter herself doesn’t know who to trust now: the robot she’s known for 15 years, or the woman she’s known for 15 minutes! A conundrum.

Trust slowly becomes earned on both sides. Woman talks about how the outside isn’t contaminated, but it’s swarming with other robots. All of the robots are dangerous, and she does mean all of. the. robots… ALL. Hint hint. Daughter helps Woman by removing the bullet from her wound and stitching her up.

Daughter and Woman bond a little bit while Woman heals, but Mother grows suspicious of their relationship and starts intervening when possible. Daughter passes another exam, and Mother allows her to pick one of the freeze-dried embryos from the cryogenic chamber so that she can have a sibling. During this touching event, she discovers three empty embryo slots. Suspicious!

As time goes on, Daughter becomes more and more wary of Mother. Their relationship becomes more tense, and complete trust is splintering. After Daughter snoops around the bunker and discovers cremated remains of a child in a crawlspace, she works with Woman to escape the bunker.

I Am Mother - Woman Murdering Daughter

I WILL MURDER YOUR MILLION DOLLAR BABY, SWEETHEART.

Mother tries to stop them until Woman threatens to kill Daughter. Then she doesn’t stop them anymore! The outside is full of robots, but no other humans. Woman lied to Daughter, and she ain’t likin’ that! Woman has been living in a port cargo container on the beach for decades, and convincing Daughter to stay with her is unsuccessful. Daughter returns the bunker, where she confronts Mother and learns that all the robots share a single consciousness. The dead child didn’t pass the test, but Daughter did, and proved herself perfect enough to start humanity up again! Congratulations! Hahaha!

Mother says she will always be there if she needs her, then Daughter shoots her with a gun! As she enters the cryogenic room with the dozens of chambers, realization waves over her that she is now Mother.

Meanwhile, an outside robot visits Woman in her container and declares that, after all these years as a puppet, she has finished serving her purpose. Woman gets killed.


TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Picking a Side

I was very much able to find myself in Daughter’s shoes throughout the movie. The back-and-forth between trying to trust Mother and trying to trust Woman was well paced and, just like Daughter, I was torn. Imagine spending the first 15 years of your life raised by a robot and completely shut out from humanity. Only knowing about other humans from fuckin’ Whoopi Goldberg on Johnny Carson. You’d be beyond naïve. This was a tough situation for her.

I Am Mother - Mother Bonding with Daughter

Ahh, the embryos look quite tasty this morning.

Movie logic, as a rule, must defy realistic timelines. You can’t have your movies be 45 hours long! Insanity! My largest hurdle with movies is suspending my disbelief on characters, say, falling in love in twelve minutes, for example. In this case, I’m able to suspend my disbelief that Daughter struggles with who to trust within a short timeframe because her situation is so utterly fucked up to begin with. Here’s a human! The first human she has ever personally met and talked to! One of her kind! And she’s saying scary things that are breaking down an entire belief system! And here’s a robot! The robot raised her from infancy! It’s the only family she knows! AND she has a very soothing Rose Byrne voice, appealing to human instinctual trustworthiness sensibilities. Ergh! Argh!

Funnily enough, there are gray areas everywhere. Woman is right to an extent, but she’s being a jerk about it. Mother is right to an extent, but she’s being a creepy genocidal psychopath about it. Who to choose? Who to choose?! Ergh! Argh!

TOPIC 2 — The Ending

There are people who spent PARAGRAPHS going over their theories about why Mother did what she did and what Woman’s role was in the story. People practically wrote WHOLE BOOKS about it. I thought it was pretty obvious! The clues were everywhere! Come on, people!

-Woman is APX01.
-The dead and cremated girl was APX02.
-Daughter is APX03.

I Am Mother - Daughter's Exam

Ah yes, my favorite part of the exam: looking at the bright, orange lighthouse.

Woman is the only person alive on the outside, in a world where Mother slaughtered all of humanity. That’s a pretty big fucking bullseye right there, nerds! APX01 failed as a human being, but Mother allowed her to stay alive to fulfill a purpose decades down the line.

APX02 failed as human being and got killed. We’re all sad about it. Let’s move on.

APX03 passed the test! And a lot of that test, apparently, was returning to Mother within seventeen minutes after attempting to defect. She also won the game by not needing Mother anymore. She was like Doomguy blowing the robot to smithereens by her BFG9000! Sort of. I’m making that up completely.

So how is Daughter going to end up single-handedly raising all of humanity from the ground up? Listen, you’re asking too many questions. Stop asking so many questions.


IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

There are numerous similarities to Portal (2007) and Portal 2 (2011). Mother resembles GLaDoS in her facial appearance, voice, and facility-wide control. A young woman is trapped in a facility and forced to perform tests. Later in the film, Daughter’s jumpsuit is tied around her waist revealing a white tank top, which is almost identical to Chell’s outfit. She is also offered cake by Mother, which is a recurring theme/joke in Portal. The themes to both also appear to be “escape.”
I swear to God, if one more mouth-breathing neckbeard makes an entire movie based upon an inspiration from a video game I’m going to eat my hat. And it’s a really big hat.

While the plot for “I Am Mother” has many unique aspects, there are several noticeable similarities with the anime “Casshan.”
Even worse. Even fucking worse.

Two infants portrayed the toddler. They were Hazel Sandery and Summer Lenton.
THE Hazel Sandery and Summer Lenton?!?! That’s incredible!

Of the films in the sci-fi/fantasy/horror/thriller genre that ‘Hilary Swank’ has appeared in previously, website SYFY Wire declared, “as far as genre cred goes, she’s appeared in ‘The Gift’ (2000), ‘Insomnia’ (2002), and as Kimberly in the ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ (1992) movie”.
Yes, ‘Hilary Swank’ has quite the resume. The IMDb trivia for this movie sucks. I’m moving on.

I Am Mother - procedure

Just to let you know, I’m not very good at this surgery thing. The number of wristwatches I’ve lost in patients is staggering.


IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes. If you like your sci-fi to be more cerebral than action-packed, then this is the movie for you! The little bits and pieces they throw in as the movie progresses are easy to miss if you’re not paying close attention, but I’m grateful that they don’t hit you over the head with any of it. It ends up being rather thought-provoking. Clara Rugaard does an excellent job carrying the film. Hilary Swank still has it going on, even after she bit off her own tongue to try to bleed to death! Good for her.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special #1

* Standalone Issue *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1) Super Special #1!

Chronologically, I just finished the ”Legacy” storyline, but here’s a bonus standalone issue that dropped right before it. I should’ve done it before, but I didn’t! So I’m doing it now! You’ll never even know the difference!!

Buckle up and get comfortable, this is gonna be a long trip.


Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special #1 [July, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Ultimate Spider-Man Super Special”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special #1

The art is slightly different. I don’t like it. It’s dingier. Parker looks twerpier.

“So… here’s what happened…” Parker recounts a tale of nighttime Spidery adventures, “Nothing out of the ordinary… just a guy running like a maniac through a side street of Manhattan…”

Fun story already. I’m positively yawning in suspense.

This guy running like a maniac is being chased by a gun-wielding maniac who is shooting his gun off like a maniac. Nothing new, this is New York City, baby. Even if the gunman was wearing a chicken suit with a 14-inch purple dildo attached no one would look twice.

“And, you know, I guess that’s why I put on my colorful pajamas and drag my tuchas out there to begin with,” Parker says, and I learned how to spell “tuchas” today. *checks dictionary* Nope, that’s wrong! Two u’s, motherfucker.

Spider-Man knocks the assailant to the ground and shoots him all over the place with webs. “Didn’t you hear the bell? It’s crazy person nappy time,” he says, flinging more webs and even more webs and webs webs webs.

Gunman calls him an idiot, but Spider-Man don’t care! He catches up with the chased and asks the dude if he’s ok. He’s not ok! He’s acting weird, man! He turns into a Buffy vampire and lifts the teenage superhero by his scrawny, little neck.

“OOF!!” the Spider says.
“HAAAHHHSSSSSS!!” the vampire says. I think the vampire wins this round.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special Issue #1

Come on, man. Just a little kiss?

Before Spider-Man gets a bite taken out of him, the assailant pops in to give the vampire a giant stick through the abdomen. THUK! Then a pointy stick to the chest. “HYAAAGGHHIIIEE!” the vampire cries, saying what I can only assume is “hello”. The vampire bursts into a torrent of lovely, white skulls and bones. One skull and many bones, to be slightly more accurate.

Now it’s the assailant’s turn to vamp it up. “Kid, you ever touch me again–” he begins, staring down with his beady red eyes while Spidey AAUGHHS and AWWOOOGAHS, “You ever look at me again, and I will eat your heart for breakfast.”

“You understand?” he finishes, brandishing his pointy breakfast-eating stick while Spider-Man spits and grrks. He then walks away, leaving Spider-Man shaken and rather undignified.

Parker is freaking out just thinking about all this as he recounts the story to MJ. Peter Parker doesn’t get scared of much! OK, maybe bees and snakes and cars and elevators and airplanes and graffiti and Casper’s Haunted Christmas and shoes and boats and the dark and the light and Pokemon and radishes. But not much ELSE scares him! But the vampires scared him.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special Issue #1

Willow and Xander are having a moment.

MJ’s like “thanks a lot, now I’m gonna be afraid of vampires” before slapping and kicking the shit out her boyfriend. Thanks for the story, you selfish loser. Shouldn’t have said anything.

The illustrations make Peter Parker look like even more of a depressed doofus than he already does during the main series. He’s moping on the bed something ferocious! MJ wishes he didn’t tell her this, but she’s also kinda glad he did, but also what the fuck was he thinking? Sad Mope has no one else he can trust or speak about all this too! Sorry, Toots, you’re all he’s got. Don’t forget, Uncle Ben fell out of a roller coaster! If memory serves…

But let’s be real: Peter Parker has no reason to be involved with any of this in the first place. Why does he even bother? He can sit at home and touch himself while watching Riverdale like a normal teenager. He’s got the heebie-jeebies now and he’s thinking about hanging up the suit for good.

Well, having Aunt May run it through the laundry and then hanging it up for good.

Hey, did Parker tell MJ yet about the OTHER thing that ALSO happened this week? No? Sit down, sister, it’s another wild one!

I like to imagine at this point that MJ huffs and checks her watch and is starting to look for objects around the room to hit him in the head with, knocking him out.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special Issue #1

Here’s to getting #MeToo’d years before #MeToo was #MeToo’ing

Many panels ensue. An attractive, young woman leaps tall buildings with several bounds. She’s wearing assassin clothes which, in this case, means a red durag and very revealing leather clothing! This is how I like to dress too when I’m out and about doing some assassinatin’, but I usually wear jorts and those running shoes with the toes.

She gets out her sniper rifle and looks through the scope to find her target: a fuckin’ middle-aged white guy politician-lookin’ tall drink of water. She aims, finger on the trigger, and suddenly the scope is covered with stringy stuff! What in tarnation!

Spider-Man says some stuff that could be considered flagrant sexual harassment as the woman snarls and tries to stab him with her Ninja Turtle sai weapon. Looks like she was able to tear a little hole in his spandex on his upper, inner thigh. Yowza.

The she pokes him on the arm with her fancy touch-of-death maneuver and then kicks him in the face! Then throws him to the ground! Then almost impales him through the brain with her very long and pokey sai weapon! He attempts to stop it, but man is she persistent. His hand starts bleeding as he desperately tries to hold on to it so she doesn’t stab through the part of his brain that stores all the sexy Riverdale scenes.

She decides to stop and jumps off the roof. Spidey looks over the edge and sees nothing.

“What was that?” he asks himself, alone, clutching his hurt touch-of-death arm.

I realize now that we have a new artist again! Parker and MJ look even shittier! MJ looks like Pippi Longstocking and they both have faces that are 45” long. They’re in Parker’s basement where he has AOL 3.0 booted up on his Windows 2000. He’s browsing GeoCities websites he searched for on HotBot with his IE6 web browser.

“What is this? That’s her? What websites is this?” MJ asks.
“It’s one of those cheesy websites about serial killers and assassins,” Parker responds, hiding his jerkin’-it tissue box.
“And this is her?”
“Pretty sure. It’s not a face you forget.”

It’s a woman named Elektra Natchios. An assassin-for-hire. She knows karate and has weapons!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special Issue #1

I don’t know what’s going on either. Who the hell are these two ugly motherfuckers all of a sudden?

MJ posits that it doesn’t matter that Parker doesn’t know what was going on. The important thing is that he stopped an assassin from assassinating an *squints* awful craggy-faced politician. I guess that’s a win?

Hell no, politicians are the worst. Every last one of them. Here, look: Parker pulls up another website, something like http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/4827/big-butts-political-scoop, and shows MJ that this particular politician is trying a GENOCIDE on a neighboring country! Eek! So maybe he should’ve just let this lady kill him?

Thought-provoking.

“I’ve done this before– I’ve jumped the gun. I’ve thrown myself into the mix without knowing what the deal was– and– and– and–” Parker starts twitching and spitting, working himself into a real frenzy of biblical proportions! Much like Abraham and the, uh, Squid.

Well, look, killing is wrong no matter how you slice it, right? MJ’s got her head on straight. Killing = bad. Stopping killing = good. Now you can work on stopping the genocide next! By killing this politician!

Anyway, so is he saying that if he knew who this guy was at the time, would he have let her do it? He doesn’t know. Being 15 years old is hard.

MJ is like “no you wouldn’t you complete moron. You boneheaded idiot with a tiny penis.” She suggests he go to someone with more experience in this matter. Someone who has been doing this a long time. Someone who has seen it all and has faced every morally ambiguous circumstance that one could think of.

Someone who blindly fights the good fight blind-style. Just blind to everything except the greater good. Just blind to everything really. Blind.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special Issue #1

Like a super sexy pendulum.

In the offices of Nelson and Murdock, Matt “Daredevil” “Blind Leading the Blind” “Blind” Murdock’s assistant, Karen, sees something Matt can’t see: everything! Ha! But also Spider-Man outside the window. Just hanging out… directly outside the window… as if he’s trying to get a blind guy’s attention with very visual acrobatics.

Three hours later (and, presumably, Spider-Man never stopped swinging around), Murdock pops up on the rooftop as Daredevil and kindly asks the kid what the fuck-hell he’s doing.

“Oh, finally,” Spider-Man says, spidering around the roof, “I– I was looking for you.”
“For me?”
“Yeah– yeah. I read all about you. You don’t leave Hell’s Kitchen. So I wanted to talk to you for a minute and I figured – you know – if I swung around enough you’d come out.”

A likely story! But, I suppose it was corroborated by the following evidence: Spider-Man swung around enough that Daredevil came out. And what a coming out it was! Daredevil doesn’t really look pleased with this. After asking Spidey what he wants, the kid gibbers and jabbers nervously about being a little bit overwhelmed by superheroing and he wants a buddy to talk to. A similar buddy who, you know, does similar superheroing things. Heh.

“How old are you?” Daredevil asks.
“Twenty-six.”
“How old are you really?”
“Sixteen.”

The jig was up right away! There will be many more jigs in the future, assuredly. Well, it’s no fucking surprise, is it? Teenagers can’t handle this stuff. You boys can’t even talk to girls! Still trying to locate your pubes.

“You have no business doing any of this,” Daredevil states rather bluntly.
“But–”
“You have no concept of the responsibilities you have now. When you stick your nose into other people’s lives? No wonder the press has a field day with you– they can sense the– the– the immaturity.”
“Hey, this isn’t what I–”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Super Special Issue #1

Wait, what, hold on. Huh? I just…uhm, well, I’d rather bone a loved one than a total stranger! Well, sometimes…

Ha, Murdock tears this sprat a new one. He tells him to run home to his mommy and see him again in ten years. Of course, Murdock won’t see him back, but you know what he means.

“You’re lucky I don’t rip that stupid mask off of you and give you over to the police right now.”

Spider-Man just boggles at this guy now. You can tell he’s fuming under that ultra-hot shiny unbreathable suit he’s wearing. Just sweating profusely. Smelling terrible. Then he pouts and leaves.

God, all these illustrations are awful. It makes me appreciate the art from the main series so much more. Everyone looks like they’re leaning unnaturally or in one of those X-TREME ‘90s cartoony commercials that sell purple Heinz ketchup.

Hey! We’re not done! Click for Page 2!

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 – “Say Goodbye”

* Part 8 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 – “Say Goodbye”!

In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Superman and Wonder Woman spend about 100,000,000 years fighting demons in Valhalla while never changing their clothes. Lois is jealous that he’s with Wonder Woman and then gets all insecure about whether or not she’s a good wife.

Superman didn’t fuck Wonder Woman at all the whole time, so there’s that.

In the previous issue of Superman (Vol. 2), Mongul is a big, scary guy from another part of the universe who was launched across space by a guy who is even bigger and scarier than Mongul! Superman freaks out because Mongul is pretty big and scary, so this other guy must be something else, man. Mongul helps train Superman, which is crazy in of itself too. Some serious crap must be really going down, holy bejeebus.


Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 [February, 2000]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Say Goodbye”

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

“AND WITH IMPERIEX THERE SHALL COME AN END TO ALL!”

Comic book universes are so lame. There’s always some big robot dude from space named “Robtrox” or “Galacticobus” or “Pontifex” who flies on down to Earth to destroy humanity and there’s always some blowjob in tights like Superman who’s always ready to shoot these guys in the mouth with their laser eyes. I’m SICK of it!

With Imperiex there shall come an end to all, huh? Not soon enough.

I think Lois narrates over some space imagery. “When I first started turning in stories, Perry took particular delight in circling my misspelled words with a red marker.” She liked the idea that someone was actually reading her dribble, but man did she make a lot of mistakes. Always misspelling words like “filibuster” and “newspaper” and “Lois”.

Perry would always write the same thing at the end of every reviewed page: “-30-”

WHAT DID THIS MEAN?! A score of 30/100, you fail, go back to school? Did it mean her story would be buried on page 30?? And that’s crazy because the Daily Planet only has four pages and three are dedicated to the comics! So, one day, after about seventeen years of receiving this “-30-” notes, Lois finally works up the nerve to ask her employer. what the fuck that shit means

Here was his response: “It’s the end.”

Yeah, because here at the Daily Planet we love to be passive aggressive to our hard-working employers by putting cryptic messages in the edits AND not answering in a straightforward manner when asked about said cryptic messages. Really healthy work environment.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

See, and he even has mood swings! Go work at a Dunkin’ Donuts, they treat people right.

It took a while for Lois to put together the puzzle pieces (there were two of them), but she finally cracked the code. “-30-” is ancient newspaper shorthand for “you’re done, this story is good to go, thank you and goodbye, now where’s my moonshine, daddy needs a little liquid courage before chucking eggs at William Howard Taft’s estate.”

Lois is trimming a Christmas tree while waiting for her hubby to come home from another night of “saving the world”, which is what he always tells her. The end is right, though. Perry had a good point: “It’s the end.” It’s end of the year, the decade, the millennium. It’ll still be a while before 9/11, so that’s plenty of time to take stock on life before dying in a terrorist attack. And, for some reason, her whole life revolves around Clark Nose-Pickin’ Kent.

Speak of the devil! Superman himself pays Jimmy Olsen a visit on top of the Daily Planet building, a really popular hangout among delinquent staff members and cockroaches alike. Jimmy is cold, and Superman shoots him with heat vision to get him all warm and toasty. A real mensch, this guy.

Jimmy shrugs and looks at his shoes sheepishly like a nine-year-old who was caught burning squirrels with a magnifying glass. “Are we still pals? I mean after all the trouble I caused with my ‘Mrs. Superman’ photograph?”

OF COURSE NOT BUDDY! *claps Jimmy on the back, sending him flying to Indonesia* CHECK THIS OUT! *flashes ring* I AM MARRIED AFTER ALL! DO YOOOOUUU HAVE ONE OF THESE??

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

I’ll screw up your face something fierce, you little punk.

So, yes, while Jimmy really boned Superman by putting his dumb wife in jeopardy, Jimmy also stood up for the superhero when no one else would. Again and again and again and again and again and again. So, he’s going to let you in on a little secret… it’s a juicy one! Ready? Sh-

“We must leave at once. It was not a request,” booms the voice of what’s-his-face. Mongul. He towers over the two of them, arms akimbo, groin right in their faces. Superman frowns up at his new buddy. “I need more time,”

MORE TIME? MORE TIME?? HOW’S THIS FOR MORE TIME??? *wiggles junk around*

Imperiex has reentered the universe, son! Do you even KNOW what that means? …oh, you do. Very well, then. SO THERE IS NO MORE TIME! This big, burly dude already ate a bowl of galaxies for breakfast. If we don’t stop him now, QUADRILLIONS more will die! Do you know how many zeroes that is? Shake a leg, nerd.

Loud and clear, Skeletor. He needs to tell Jimmy one more thing: “Please find Clark Kent and Lois Lane and tell them ‘beef bourguignon with ketchup’.”

OK, Mongul! Ready when you are!

Lois has been narrating all this time about being a wife, it’s all very inessential. She comments that her father invited her over for the holidays, likely because her sister Lucy got knocked up by a black guy and there are a lot of bottled-up racist rants ready to be unleashed during Christman dinner. He didn’t invite Clark at all, so either her dad hates that dude’s guts or he just merely forgot! At any rate, Lois is relieved. It kind of makes things easier.

Superman and Mongul fly through space looking for this Imperiex guy. Keep a lookout, he’ll be the one wearing a hat. They both fly past Saturn, which looks roughly three times larger than the two of them. I’m no PLANETICIAN, but that sounds right to me.

“For the past few weeks, Clark… Superman has been training with a kind of outer-space version of Adolf Hitler,” Lois explains, “Mongul could and should drown in the blood of the innocents slaughtered in his name.”

You couldn’t even finish an episode of The Goldbergs in the time it took Superman and Mongul to find Imperiex. THE DESTROYER OF GALAXIES!! He’s wearing a sort of knight’s helmet complete with a little fluffy plume! He’s building something massive. I could flick this guy to Andromeda with my fingers.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Yeah? He looks like a cuddly-wuddly little baby to me!

Imperiex tells these mofos to am-scray, then shoots bolts of electricity from his fist. Superman goes “ARRRGH!”

Lois keeps trimming the tree, scared that her hubby might not come home. Scared that he’s been brainwashed by Space Hitler. Scared that he’ll come home to do some Space Holocausting, a skill that he had picked up on the road.

Superman grunts and groans, eyes squinting in pain. “Even though it was an unprovoked attack,” he breathes, intestines falling out through his anus, “we should still try to negoti–”

NEIN! SPACE HITLER DOES NOT NEGOTIATE! So don’t hold back! Mongul will blast him with hot! Superman will blast him with cold! This guy is gonna be so warm and comfortable his head will spin like a top!

“Your efforts are pointless,” Imperiex declares as he blasts these two idiots with more energy beams. He’s going to get ready to destroy the Milky Way galaxy! His giant slingshot is already stationed on Messier 51 and ready to go.

“You still have to get past me,” Superman grimaces and starts giving this guy everything he’s got! Which isn’t much. Same old tricks. Punch zap punch punch zap.

“An apt pupil, after all,” Mongul smiles. Zap punch zap. “You’ve actually staggered him. Keep the pressure on. DO NOT LET UP FOR EVEN A MOMENT!”

Ok, ok, stop yelling at me. Jesus.

Imperiex laughs and scoffs! This fuckin’ guy, this Mongul. Imperiex already threw him across the universe the first time, has he learned absolutely nothing. Well, second time’s the charm! FLING!

“MONGUL…!” Superman yells as his butt buddy flies off into nothingness, lost forever to the stars. They had a good run.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Pork ‘n beans! Pork ‘n beans! Thank you for your time!.

We depart from the suspense to see Jimmy delivering the important message to an already-exasperated Lois. Jimmy is huffing and puffing because he took the stairs to Lois and Clark’s 2nd floor apartment, lmao. No, actually, I think they’re on floor 188?

What’s the message? Spit it out, son.

“Well, it’s, uh…” he looks like a terrified child, “beef bourguignon with ketchup.”

Cool, thanks.

*slam*

Actually, Lois knows what this message means and begrudgingly invites Jimmy in. She looks grateful when he has other plans. They exchange Merry Christmas-related pleasantries and part ways.

Now, I think it’s nice that Superman gave Jimmy their safe words to relay to Lois, but it seems to me that this did nothing but cause Lois to worry even more! Maybe it means “I’m going to die right now and I’m never, ever coming back. Cheers!”

More Lois narration while Superman saves Mongul and they both head back to the fray. “When Clark was growing up in Kansas, everyone had to be aware they were living in the Tornado Corridor…”

Ugh. Okay, so back in Hicksville, Kansas, the Kents made up a secret phrase to tell a messenger in case one of them got separated. This was obviously back before phones, and, obviously, back before it was ok to just say something like “tell Jon I’m all right”. Lois and Clark came up with their own phrase. Clark came up with something dumb and it stuck.

“Fool,” Mongul growls, “You should have kept up the assault and left me for dead.” Superman’s lollygagging might have cost them and trillions of other people their rights to, you know, live. Superman takes that to mean that they’re just doing something wrong and that the need to hit this from a different angle. Nice deflection, Superman. Mongul didn’t even notice.

Perhaps one needs to destroy the thing that Imperiex is currently building!

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Nonsense with your close-mindedness. Take it from me, I’m from the breadbasket of America. AMERICA!

So Superman flies around to create a deep-space tornado while shooting lasers at the construction. We’ve hit peak stupidity but we’re cool.

“No,” Imperiex breathes. Kansas Strength prevails again, dagnabbit.

Mongul congratulates Superman for his four-second path to victory. Then he jabs him in the back with his shoulder. OOMPH! “Unfortunately, he killed you in battle, just before I could destroy him. At least… that’s what I’ll tell them all when I bring back your dead body.”

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!

Mongul is the Final Boss today! “Did you really think I would let the way you humiliated my father go unpunished?” Ah, so this is about MALE INSECURITY, is it? I should’ve known!

But oh ho ho, Superman knew this was going to happen! He knows EVERYTHING! “Thanks to Aquaman, I got into contact with an old… friend before you and I left.” Then he pulls out a bright blue glowstick and blinds Mongul with it. Then he jabs him in the ribs with three fingers. Then he pokes him in the eyes like Moe.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

WHY I OUGHTA

Mongul yells uncle. But Superman doesn’t follow the rules of uncle! He punches him in the face instead!

“You think I’m weaker because I hold back. But I’m stronger because I do,” he says, and we could all learn a lesson from this objectively incorrect statement. Go for the nuts at all times, I always say!

A Sons of Anarchy demon rides up on his Sons of Anarchy Space Motorcycle, riced out with chrome dolphins and a bird skull fender. “You done with that? He’s got a bounty on him in about nine galaxies.”

Lobo. This guy is named Lobo. Superman hands Mongul over and bids Lobo a Merry Christmas, which I would have to opine, with a gun to my head, is a holiday he doesn’t celebrate too often.

It’s almost midnight in the Beef Bourguignon with Ketchup homestead. Lois stares out the window. This fucker had better be back before the bell tolls or she’s going to withhold sex for another five years.

“Perry asked me to come up with something special for the year-end edition of the Daily Planet,” she says. A crossword puzzle sounds nice, but no. It had to be a Superman-related story. The last one of the century. And maybe she will, maybe she won’t. Making a crossword puzzle seems way more fun.

A wooshing rainbow tells Lois that Superman is home. That crossword puzzle is gonna have to wait!

EPILOGUE! Spelled without the “ue”. Why not, let’s save some time!

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Can’t spell “epilog” without “pile”… wait for it … of shit.

HERE’S YOUR EPILOG: Imperiex wasn’t actually Imperiex! Imperiex is his boss, and he’s about 50,000 times larger, and he’s gonna crush that punk Superman next time he’s hanging around Earth.

Final Thoughts

Merry Christmas from all your friends in the Year 1999! Boris Yeltsen is going to resign in a week and Vladimir Putin will be in charge! Just another Y2K day, know what I’m sayin’? I’m sure we’ll never hear about that guy again.

East of West, Issue #25 – “Cast Out All Unbelievers”

* Part 10 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #25 – “Cast Out All Unbelievers”! In the previous installment, Erza Orion is a fucking creep who tattoos messages on people’s backs and then tears the flesh off their backs and sends them as scrolls to his Chosen friends. There will be “one last” gathering.

The three Horsemen begin their rebirths, which involve boiling vats of beef stew.

Death’s two friends bail on him to do Chosen things.

Bel Solomon’s friend wants to go to the Chosen ceremony so that he can do bullets at all of them.

Things are heating up! And I’ve said that for the last 20 issues. But for real this time, things are heating up! I mean it, folks.


East of West, Issue #25 [April, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Cast Out All Unbelievers”

East of West, Issue #25

I have come to abuse the skeptics, and set fire to the unwashed.

The Machine City of the Endless Nation, which has that giant, terrifying head-shaped building, is basked in the glow of the evening, uh… moon. Narsimha, the Head Chief of the Machine City Chiefs football team, he’s tossing and turning in his sleep. Grimacing and sweating. “Wake up, Narsimha. The moon is waxing… and the time is nigh… It’s time for you to choose. Are you a chief who sacrifices himself for his people… or a boy without grit – fearing the great game?”

Surely, this is certainly something to lose sleep over. Chief vs. Boy. Not only that, but Chief vs. Boy Without Grit. This ain’t no ordinary boy.

You may remember Nihnootheit, Chief Narsimha’s bird skull godlike buddy that he visited in the dang ol’ Sea of Boney Bones. He’s taunting Sleepy Chief right now, using the moon as ammunition for his insecurities. Waxing moon, indeed.

East of West, Issue #25

Now is NOT the time to get huffy, Chief.

Nihnootheit clenches his hand into a menacing fist. “Each cost much, Narsimha,” he says, referring to the whole Man vs. Boy thing (hold the grit), “Come and pay… Come and pay.”

Yes, yes, the Call Girl Code. Come and Pay. Very classy.

Narsimha wakes from his awful slumber gasping and panting while a nude woman (with titties) snoozes in the bed beside him. Panting and huffing and wheezing, he looks like he hates that he has to make a choice that costs a lot. Plus he’s being nudged very hard to come and pay. That’s annoying.

So annoying, in fact, that Narsimha takes a ride in the middle of the night to the Sea of Bones to give this Nihnootheit, a name that I have to copy and paste, a piece of his mind. A generous chunk of his mind, no doubt. “Huaark!” says the bird skull god of dream invasion, waiting patiently. Then he does some god voodoo hoodoo juju that knocks Narsimha off of his speeding robot horse. “You fell off your machine, little chief. Scraped up your knee. Hurt your pride.”

Narsimha is positively foaming with terrified rage. He pulls out a gun, aims it at Nihnootheit so that, what, he can kill him? Are you kidding? Kill a god with a gun? Motherfucker, you need runes and herbs and Chaos Emeralds for that task. You gotta beat all the other bosses first.

Do you know why Narsimha is so mad? The Endless Nation is forbidden to talk the dead lands! Bird Man just knocked him onto the Sea of Bones! He has touched the Bones! This is the gravest of sins! And, thus, the gun.

“Superstitions aside,” speaks an approaching voice, “attempting to understand Nihnootheit and his kind is a foolish undertaking at best. But, if I was feeling bold and willing to wager a guess… I’d bet he’s teaching you to stand on your own two feet. Again.”

East of West, Issue #25

Yeah, yeah. Huaark Huaark Huaark. Like a goddamn broken record.

Narsimha cannot believe his eyes nor his eyes! It’s Sotuknang! Known better to you and I as Wolf! Eek! Crow is there too in her bird form, and they both look quite angry.

“That’s not my name anymore, Uncle. I am The Wolf… and tonight I am hunting chiefs.”

And he’s all out of bubblegum.

♪ ♫ ♬ In touch with the ground/I’m on the hunt I’m after you/Smell like I sound, I’m lost in a crowd/And I’m hungry like the woooolllllff! ♬♪ ♫ ♬

Would you look at that! Pretty apt there, Duran2.

My disciples are legion.

East of West, Issue #25

Death? Again?? I hate that guy! Only thing certain along with taxes. Always waiting for no man.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t everyone’s favorite barkeep! Ol’ One-Eye. You may remember him from the very first issue getting the bejeebus scared out of him! You’re all in for a treat. Death is back and ready to scare the bejeebus out of him again! This will be the third time.

There’s a very large crash, but I can’t tell at all what it actually is. It doesn’t seem important.

“Damned indeed why all are… and it surely is his doin’,” Death says, glaring madly at the barkeep after his meek little “Goddamnit” outburst. “Me? I find my refuge in the Blue, of which I’ll have three.”

Yes sir! Right away, sir! Please don’t death me, sir! I don’t want to death, sir! “I don’t want no trouble,” the barkeep trembles, also not wanting death.

Well it’s trouble you got, you Shit. Seems this guy is friends with the Hunter, which I may or may not have already known (doesn’t matter anyway, it’s a “may not” in the here and now). And that’s not the good stuff for this guy. Not the good stuff at all.

Shaky barkeep DOESN’T WANT ANY TROUBLE! What the fuck? Get out of here! No one wants you! Heh, sorry.

“You askin’ if we’re even?” Death takes a swig intimidatingly and slams the shot glass on the counter with a TOK. “We are not even.”

Ok, fine. What do you want? Diamonds? Gold? Doubloons? Trinkets? Girl scout cookies? Pussy?? Everyone likes pussy! Want some pussy?

Death doesn’t want any pussy! Not today and not ever! He makes a point to mention that the bar looks pretty spotless. Funny, considering Wolf and Crow tore this place up beyond recognition. Must have been hard work putting it all back in order, eh?

Then Death slurps back the second glass and TOKs that sucker on the bar.

Barkeep says that the local law enforcement guys swept through and shut the bar down “‘til they cleared things up”, after which he spent nearly all his money refurbishing the place. Didn’t matter anyway, business sucks ass since a few weirdo supernatural beings tore the place up and murdered a whole bunch of Union army men.

Death slurps his final glass and TOKs it real good. “Place don’t look empty.”
“That’s because of what I did with the little remaining money I had. See, I invested it.”
“In what?” asks Death, gritting his teeth in a grotesque snarl the likes of which I haven’t seen yet! This barkeep’s gonna die.

Or maybe not? He invested his money in mercenaries, which the whole bar is filled with, ready to make short work of Death for showing his face ‘round these parts again’.

East of West, Issue #25

Do these guys really think they’re going to kill Death? Are they cuckoo nutso?

Death predictably finds this challenge to be not very challenging at all. He punches and kicks and grabs knives while swearing at the barkeep that he’ll be coming for him after he’s done here. The barkeep is rallying his crew to “KILL HIM!”, and that’s not very smart. Because they’re the ones being killed, which should have been an obvious outcome here, and now the barkeep is nervously ducking under his bar…

“Shit.”

He musters up a kernal of confidence and strength. “Fine,” he says, grabbing a shotgun from under the bar, “I’ll do it myself.”

CHIK CHAK! Gun noises!

East of West, Issue #25

I can tell you what I see. A second-rate Tim Burton character.

“LOOK AT ME, DEATH!” he yells maniacally, “LOOK AT ME NOW!”

How cute.

The mercenaries are all dead. Death’s white suit is stained with blood up to his thighs. Barkeep is standing on the bar, wind suddenly out of his sails, looking down on the Grim Reaper himself! Ol’ Bonesy. Angel of Whatsits. Death sees “a little man with a big gun. One who just might be smart enough to know what to do next.”

There must be a good reason why Death keeps this guy around. He should’ve been killed nineteen times over, and he has pushed his luck quite blatantly.

“…why are you even here?” Barkeep Hunter One-Eye asks meekly, “What do you want with me?”

YES, I hope we all get the answer to this!

Death wants to hire him.

Well, sure. Ok. Let me just get my bright orange vest and my Buck Gardner 6-in-1 duck whistle and– WHAT?!

“You want me to track someone?” the beer-selling Hunter asks, finally letting his guard down now that he knows he’s not going to be pulverized today.”
“Yeah,” Death answers congenially.
“And if I do… that’ll make us square? Settle things once and all between us?”
“Nope,” Death glares, “It won’t even come close.”

SEA OF BONES, SEA OF BONES, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE ARE AT THE SEA OF BONES. Wolf and Narsimha are catching up like old times.

Narsimha doesn’t like to be pushed around, controlled, feeling like he’s not the boss. HE’S the boss! Not some other boss who thinks he’s the boss. *points toward Nihnootheit who is just chilling cross-legged on a pile, perhaps a sea, of bones.

Yeah, well, bad news, Sensei. EVERYONE is being played and controlled. You’re not special, you narcissistic, insignificant speck of dust on God’s taint.

East of West, Issue #25

Don’t change the subject I… oh… ewwww.

Uncle Salty doesn’t really want Wolf around to start proselytizing about his weird Chosen bullshit. Wolf says it’s not his intention to convince him (but it would likely be a positive by-product). Maybe a skeptic partner would help Wolf stay grounded. That sounds fun! “Truth be told, I am ill-equipped to handle what happens next,” Wolf admits.

Yeah yeah yeah, you’re not being very forthright. Narsimha can see it in his mascara-tattooed eyes. What really brings the great and wonder Wolf over to grace the Chief with his shining presence?

Wolf answers by immediately spewing mention of the Message, which Narsimha rolls his eyes about like Jeremy Duncan from everyone’s favorite American newspaper comic strip Zits! Ezra Orion sent Wolf a message on a gross piece of some dude’s back that said “Only you can save your people, and only then if you are Chosen.” Funny thing is, the message also said that he would find Narsimha at the Sea of Bones, that Bird Skull over there was going to give you a talking-to, and that joining Wolf on his path would be beneficial to both of them for, you know, reasons and etc. The chance of success would be greater that way. Success in what is uncertain. Finding the Hookshot to enter the Forest Temple?

Pish posh. This sounds dumb. Narsimha is a RULER of a LAND. What are you, Wolf? You seem like a BUZZING in Narsimha’s EAR.

No way, Bob Bummer. Wolf is the Son of Cheveyo. Cheveyo, who gave Narsimha and endless parade of noogies when they were growing up. Cheveyo, who RULED and LAND then LEFT and YOU took it FROM HIM like it was EARNED, like, AT ALL. MAN.

Step up. Take Cheveyo’s place again for better reasons, you dig? “Will you help me save our people?” Wolf asks him, throwing a whole slew of that Catholic-type guilt all over his uncle. Narsimha is frowning like it’s his job to frown. Which it probably is.

East of West, Issue #25

Archibald doesn’t seem like the kind of uncle who took her niece to Blockbuster on the weekends…

I think we’ve hit our limit with the Endless Nation, ironically. I wanna see what my favorite buddy, Archibald, is up to right now! He and his niece Constance are hovering about the Southern Gate in the Confederacy’s boxy Air Force One aircraft. Archibald enjoys a cigar. I’ve never seen him without one.

A large crowd gathers directly below. Constance believes they are headed in the same direction. Archibald is not worried about such a crowd, for they are pilgrims making a pilgrimage to, probably, that big stupid Armistice. “You might remember learning that they are a seasonal irritant,” Archibald snorts, likening these people to hay fever or bees. Or football. Or pumpkin spice.

Come to think of it, though, now that Ezra Orion is a loose canon gallivanting around town freely, perhaps these pilgrims are seeking him out personally. Just like they are, funnily enough. So yes, to confirm your suspicions, they are headed in the same direction! Sorry that Archibald said that in many, many, many more words.

Constance asks if they seek Ezra Orion so that these sheep can be told how to think and feel and act and shit. Archibald calls her jaded. But also, yes.

“I’m not jaded, Mr. President,” Constance says coyly, “I got here on my own and I’m exactly who I want to be.”

The way Archibald really sees it, pilgrims do the pilgrimage thing for two reasons: 1) They want to give their mundane lives some real meaning since they can’t find it within themselves. They think they deserve something better than their current position. 2) They have accepted who they are and they want to finalize that acceptance with a contribution to the cause. AKA, blowing shit up and destroying heathens in the name of whatever it is they are doing that kind of fucked up shit for. “Fear the martyrs, my dear. Not only are they gambling with house money, but they always bet it all.”

East of West, Issue #25

FREE BIRD! FREEEEE BIIIIIIIRDD!!

Noted, sir. Poker analogies, gotcha. Even Constance isn’t this cynical, but Archibald reminds her that she is lacking in the kind of experience that comes with age! You see, when a man loves a woman, he–

Whoops, wrong talk! Here, Constance, don’t forget that you’re here because even Archibald, with his wits and his complete lack of scruples, isn’t able to keep everything straight. This tangled web of deceit and political maneuvering requires your giant nerd math brain. Time for you to “learn all the variables”, as it were, to be fully prepared! Even the ones that will fuck with your left-brained nerd math brain left-brained bean counter brain sensibilities, nerd.

Variables like what? Oh, nothing really, just the irrational, fervent passion of evangelical worshippers of stupid nonsense and ghouly ghosts in the sky. Evangelical worshippers like your uncle, heh heh. Sur-priiiiise.

Constance is surprised. How the hell does someone like Archibald become a believer in ANYTHING but himself?

“Next I suppose you’re going to tell me about finding Christ and deliverance from all of Hell’s demons,” she says snidely.

“Well, I don’t know anything about the former…” he responds, revealing what awaits in the chamber they are entering, “But I assure you my dear, I am well-versed in the latter.”

She gasps at the giant smiling Hell Demon, surrounded by the frowning seriousness of Orion, Wolf, and Narsimha.

Final Thoughts

The gathering of the Chosen who give a shit commences! Who will show up next? John Freeman 8? Xiaolian Mao? A Horseman or two? Karl Malone?

All this and more in the next thrilling issue!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 – “Illegal”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Legacy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 – “Illegal”! It’s the end of this storyline, which means Peter Parker is either going to murder Norman with a gun (illegal) or try to conspire to overturn an election for reasons that weren’t very thought-out (illegal). In the previous installment, Peter Parker is ignorant to the fact that Nick Fury was attempting to stop Norman while the whole conversation on the bridge was happening, but he couldn’t get a clear shot without possibly killing MJ. So once MJ was thrown off the bridge, he sent his two helicopters over to shoot Greeny with hundreds of bullets. It doesn’t work.

What does Norman do? He goes home and shoots himself up with TWO syringes full of his goblin serum. He becomes Super Green Goblin, which is just Regular Green Goblin with large horns.

He’ll probably have a heart attack and die, actually. Spider-Man could just stay home and watch Judge Judy and save himself the trouble.


Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 [November, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Illegal”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Still the worst cover art of any series I’ve come across so far. Spider-Man in provocative poses at inscrutable locales. I can only jerk off to that for so many issues, man.

Darkness. Then a crash. Then a glimpse of Ultra MAGA Green Goblin with his hands wrapped around Parker’s pencil neck. Then a look of surprise from Harry. Then a shark flopping on the floor.

Harry’s all like “hey dad is that you hey cut it out” while Peter Parker is like “gaakkks hurrughha”.

“Too big! My spine is bending. My boots are too wet– I can’t get a footing. He’s too big now. I can’t catch my breath– he’s killing me!!”

Those are Peter Parker’s thoughts running through that mushy head of his. Finally, he gets a leg free and kicks Mega Green Goblin across the face. You would think that this would be like slapping a wet noodle against a cliff, but Goblin recoils anyway and even grunts in paint!

“No time to be fancy. No time to be cute. Just hit him with everything, just win!” Parker thinks as he scrambles and flails. I can’t believe he’s choosing this time to not cavort around like a dainty little spider. I think it’s because his suit is ripped. Maybe he’s just not feeling it this time.

Parker shoots Greeney with a bunch of thick, goopy webs. He covers that mofo full of webby goodness, but Goblin breaks out of it as if he were… uh… fighting his way out of a paper bag? That’ll do for now.

Goblin has one last display of impressive, unstoppable hugeness before he starts gasping and wheezing and making a bunch of HYUGH HUGH HUGH HYUGH HYUGH HUGH sounds on the floor.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Laurie? Grant? Jackman? Hefner? Dancy? Pick one and I’ll give him to you, sir. Even the dead one.

While Green Goooblin is writhing on the floor, Nick Fury commands one of his helicopter agents to take the shot now! The agent says that now Harry is in the way. There’s ALWAYS someone in the way, isn’t there? Sounds like a goddamned flimsy excuse to me. It’s left to Nick Fury to make the call.

“No time to be fancy,” Parker repeats to himself while fancily throwing Osborn’s large stone desk toward the Grumbling Goblin. It misses him and flies through the window glass, so now Spidey has to stop the desk from landing on the sidewalk 450 stories below. And he does. That’s good!

While Parker is hanging out of the window keeping his web on the desk, Goblin attempts to grab that head of his again and crush it like a grape. Parker begs for him to just stop, because there are a bunch of people on the ground that could be crushed and killed if someone were to crush and kill him.

But does the Green Goblin stop? No, he doesn’t stop. He’s whipped up in such a frenzied orgasm of green, muscular rage that there’s no stopping him now! He’s in too deep! He can’t stop now! UGH UGH UGH UGGGHHHH!!

This is the part where Harry grabs a very large, and very sharp, piece of metal from the broken window frame.

This is the part where Harry stabs his father in the back.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Sorry, Pops, but this is going to hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.

Nick Fury’s agent is silent with surprise. Parker looks like someone lodged a big, large, metal stick up his own ass. Osborn takes a swing as his son, but after one final bellow he collapses on the floor, turning back into the normal, impossibly jacked man. In his underwear. He looks dead. *kicks corpse* Maybe?

Harry is pouting and crying, looking at Parker like he just came from Mars. He seems to be in a daze, not really knowing exactly what just happened and what he just did to his dear ol’ dad. Then his eyes roll back in his head and he starts to collapse too. Harry gets special treatment, though. Parker would actually catch him. And he does.

Finally, a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. dudes dressed in these terrifying green suits come storming in through the broken window. “It’s ok, kid. We’re S.H.I.E.L.D. agents under the command of Colonel Nick Fury. You all right?”

Does he look all right, motherfucker? His clothes are ripped and he looks like he just pooped out a watermelon.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Uhhh, the floor is not really secure. There’s broken glass and water all over the place. Someone could slip and get an ouchie.

Then the dashing Nick Fury hovers in front of the broken window…somehow. I’m not up to speed on Nick Fury’s various superpowers, but I can check “hovering in front of a broken window” off of that list. He’s wearing an enviable maxi coat and… is that a fresh eyepatch I see?? Wonderful!

“Secure the area and start clean-up ASAP, gentlemen. Don’t make me say it twice. And get Carter up here to deal with the local authorities.”

Norman Osborn still lies on the floor mostly naked. *kicks corpse* OK, doesn’t look like he’s dead just yet. Getting impaled through the torso with a large metal object usually does it, but if the stabbing doesn’t get him then the tetanus surely will. Well, get a move on, team! Shove him out of the way, put him in a hospital, feed him circus peanuts, whatever it takes. Chop chop.

Fury tells Parker that it’s a good thing Harry fainted. He doesn’t have to witness any more of this crazy-ass shit (even though, arguably, he already saw and did the craziest-ass shit of the evening). When Parker asks if Harry’s going to get arrested, Fury laughs in his face and gives him a wedgie. “We’ll deprogram the hackwork hypnotherapy and then we’ll do what we can to get him back to a normal life,” Fury explains, “It’ll work out. We’ve seen worse.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

You stole my Game Boy Color and I want it back!!!!

Then he gives Parker an I-told-ya-so with respect to the kid’s skepticism about Fury’s involvement, which pisses the kid off a little bit. He gives Fury a big, angry frown. It’s cute.

“Think of it this way, kid – one less injection and Norman might have had enough wits about him to really do something horrible,” Fury assures him rather poorly. No bedside manner to be seen here. Anyway, grab some street clothes from Harry’s closet and scram! Ha ha ha. Just kidding, you old so-and-so. *playful knocks Parker in the chin so hard by accident that he needs to pick his jaw up off the floor*

Fury offers Parker some gum. Looks like the unmistakably, awful gray color of Juicy Fruit. Parker shoots daggers at Fury some more. Here’s one for ya: you saved your girlfriend! That’s gotta count for something, right? She’s the only in the whole school who likes you. You don’t want to let that one go!

Speaking of which, MJ is back at home, so Fury pulls surveillance off-duty on her house. Also, cut off surveillance on Parker too. No more surveillance! Everything is safe and sound and there will be no problems ever again!

BUT, and this is a big “but”… don’t tell MJ about any of this. That’s going to be shitty in the long run, especially if you break up. It’s like your ex knowing all your weird sex stuff, only WORSE. If you do, every little thing (she does is magic) may put her in greater danger. “There are just some things civilians aren’t meant to know.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

This is basically a nicer way of saying “you’re a little nerd, kid, and I’d very much like to not have to be involved in your life. Or, like, see you or talk to you. At all.”

When Fury tells Parker that he doesn’t have what it takes to hang with the big boys, Parker spits back him with his sour grapes attitude that he doesn’t even WANT to join Fury’s stupid Big Boy Club. He especially doesn’t want to associate with Big Boy himself, the president.

Ha! Well, guess what? You’re in it anyway. You’re too young to hang with the big boys but you are anyway! Catch my drift? You are and you aren’t! Get it? No? Yeah, me neither.

“You’re a genetic mutation. You turn eighteen – you belong to me,” Fury says ominously, and rather inappropriate sexually, “That’s the way it is.”

So enjoy your youth, son!

Parker looks all but fucking ravaged. He was looking forward to joining the army! Now he has to join stinky S.H.I.E.L.D.? What a rip.

He even starts crying! LOL!

It’s enough to make him bolt out of there through the window WITHOUT getting his jammies from Harry’s closet. Fury just watches him go silently while the mercenaries are like “WHUT” and “WHOA”. Parker swings around town, likely in an angry pity party, and Fury tells his men to just let him angst it up if he wants. The kid deserves THAT much.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Well…uh…that’s pretty gross! Heh heh heh. Umm…yeah, gross dude. Gross. Have a nice life.

Parker arrives at the abandoned warehouse where he insisted MJ go to lay low. “Mary? Pssst…”

MJ is holding a pipe ready to bash anyone’s brains in who’s too stupid to come close to her. That includes you, Spider Boy.

No, that’s rude of me! Of course she’s happy to see him! Or is that a gun in her pocket? Either way, she gives him a big hug and starts sobbing uncontrollably. “Augguhhh! Ooooh, agughguh!” Like Popeye.

MJ wanted to go home, but she listened to Peter. She listened and she’s glad he’s all right and she’s glad she’s all right and she’s glad everyone is all right.

But she’s not all right. She’s not all right at all. This is absolute madness. AND she has homework to do. Ugh, the night keeps getting worse.

“Why? Why were you there?” Parker asks, “Why did you go to the Osborns?”
“I– I thought you were going to be there.”
“But I told you about Harry’s father. I told you he was–”
“Peter, you didn’t tell me anything!! You told me you thought he was that monster thing! You didn’t tell me you knew!”

Well, same difference, lady. Parker hangs his head sheepishly. Plus, what happened to Harry? What’s going on with Harry? What about Harry? Harry, Parker. Harry.

Oh yeah, Harry. I remember that guy. “He’s gone… again.”

Goddamnit. Now what? Oh yeah, Nick Fury advised him to cork it around his girlfriend. Time to put that into practice. “I don’t want to talk about it just yet.”

Then they look away from each other. Forlorn.

Final Thoughts

*happy West Wing end credits music*

Norman Osborn is incapacitated. Harry Osborn is benumbed. Nick Fury is uncompromising. Mary Jane Watson is despondent. Peter Parker is a Virgo.

How much emotional trauma can one kid take? My guess is 27 issues worth, and then an additional 100+ issues! See you in the next storyline, dudes and dudettes!