Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 – “Say Goodbye”

* Part 8 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 – “Say Goodbye”!

In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Superman and Wonder Woman spend about 100,000,000 years fighting demons in Valhalla while never changing their clothes. Lois is jealous that he’s with Wonder Woman and then gets all insecure about whether or not she’s a good wife.

Superman didn’t fuck Wonder Woman at all the whole time, so there’s that.

In the previous issue of Superman (Vol. 2), Mongul is a big, scary guy from another part of the universe who was launched across space by a guy who is even bigger and scarier than Mongul! Superman freaks out because Mongul is pretty big and scary, so this other guy must be something else, man. Mongul helps train Superman, which is crazy in of itself too. Some serious crap must be really going down, holy bejeebus.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 [February, 2000]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Say Goodbye”

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

“AND WITH IMPERIEX THERE SHALL COME AN END TO ALL!”

Comic book universes are so lame. There’s always some big robot dude from space named “Robtrox” or “Galacticobus” or “Pontifex” who flies on down to Earth to destroy humanity and there’s always some blowjob in tights like Superman who’s always ready to shoot these guys in the mouth with their laser eyes. I’m SICK of it!

With Imperiex there shall come an end to all, huh? Not soon enough.

I think Lois narrates over some space imagery. “When I first started turning in stories, Perry took particular delight in circling my misspelled words with a red marker.” She liked the idea that someone was actually reading her dribble, but man did she make a lot of mistakes. Always misspelling words like “filibuster” and “newspaper” and “Lois”.

Perry would always write the same thing at the end of every reviewed page: “-30-”

WHAT DID THIS MEAN?! A score of 30/100, you fail, go back to school? Did it mean her story would be buried on page 30?? And that’s crazy because the Daily Planet only has four pages and three are dedicated to the comics! So, one day, after about seventeen years of receiving this “-30-” notes, Lois finally works up the nerve to ask her employer. what the fuck that shit means

Here was his response: “It’s the end.”

Yeah, because here at the Daily Planet we love to be passive aggressive to our hard-working employers by putting cryptic messages in the edits AND not answering in a straightforward manner when asked about said cryptic messages. Really healthy work environment.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

See, and he even has mood swings! Go work at a Dunkin’ Donuts, they treat people right.

It took a while for Lois to put together the puzzle pieces (there were two of them), but she finally cracked the code. “-30-” is ancient newspaper shorthand for “you’re done, this story is good to go, thank you and goodbye, now where’s my moonshine, daddy needs a little liquid courage before chucking eggs at William Howard Taft’s estate.”

Lois is trimming a Christmas tree while waiting for her hubby to come home from another night of “saving the world”, which is what he always tells her. The end is right, though. Perry had a good point: “It’s the end.” It’s end of the year, the decade, the millennium. It’ll still be a while before 9/11, so that’s plenty of time to take stock on life before dying in a terrorist attack. And, for some reason, her whole life revolves around Clark Nose-Pickin’ Kent.

Speak of the devil! Superman himself pays Jimmy Olsen a visit on top of the Daily Planet building, a really popular hangout among delinquent staff members and cockroaches alike. Jimmy is cold, and Superman shoots him with heat vision to get him all warm and toasty. A real mensch, this guy.

Jimmy shrugs and looks at his shoes sheepishly like a nine-year-old who was caught burning squirrels with a magnifying glass. “Are we still pals? I mean after all the trouble I caused with my ‘Mrs. Superman’ photograph?”

OF COURSE NOT BUDDY! *claps Jimmy on the back, sending him flying to Indonesia* CHECK THIS OUT! *flashes ring* I AM MARRIED AFTER ALL! DO YOOOOUUU HAVE ONE OF THESE??

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

I’ll screw up your face something fierce, you little punk.

So, yes, while Jimmy really boned Superman by putting his dumb wife in jeopardy, Jimmy also stood up for the superhero when no one else would. Again and again and again and again and again and again. So, he’s going to let you in on a little secret… it’s a juicy one! Ready? Sh-

“We must leave at once. It was not a request,” booms the voice of what’s-his-face. Mongul. He towers over the two of them, arms akimbo, groin right in their faces. Superman frowns up at his new buddy. “I need more time,”

MORE TIME? MORE TIME?? HOW’S THIS FOR MORE TIME??? *wiggles junk around*

Imperiex has reentered the universe, son! Do you even KNOW what that means? …oh, you do. Very well, then. SO THERE IS NO MORE TIME! This big, burly dude already ate a bowl of galaxies for breakfast. If we don’t stop him now, QUADRILLIONS more will die! Do you know how many zeroes that is? Shake a leg, nerd.

Loud and clear, Skeletor. He needs to tell Jimmy one more thing: “Please find Clark Kent and Lois Lane and tell them ‘beef bourguignon with ketchup’.”

…

OK, Mongul! Ready when you are!

Lois has been narrating all this time about being a wife, it’s all very inessential. She comments that her father invited her over for the holidays, likely because her sister Lucy got knocked up by a black guy and there are a lot of bottled-up racist rants ready to be unleashed during Christman dinner. He didn’t invite Clark at all, so either her dad hates that dude’s guts or he just merely forgot! At any rate, Lois is relieved. It kind of makes things easier.

Superman and Mongul fly through space looking for this Imperiex guy. Keep a lookout, he’ll be the one wearing a hat. They both fly past Saturn, which looks roughly three times larger than the two of them. I’m no PLANETICIAN, but that sounds right to me.

“For the past few weeks, Clark… Superman has been training with a kind of outer-space version of Adolf Hitler,” Lois explains, “Mongul could and should drown in the blood of the innocents slaughtered in his name.”

You couldn’t even finish an episode of The Goldbergs in the time it took Superman and Mongul to find Imperiex. THE DESTROYER OF GALAXIES!! He’s wearing a sort of knight’s helmet complete with a little fluffy plume! He’s building something massive. I could flick this guy to Andromeda with my fingers.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Yeah? He looks like a cuddly-wuddly little baby to me!

Imperiex tells these mofos to am-scray, then shoots bolts of electricity from his fist. Superman goes “ARRRGH!”

Lois keeps trimming the tree, scared that her hubby might not come home. Scared that he’s been brainwashed by Space Hitler. Scared that he’ll come home to do some Space Holocausting, a skill that he had picked up on the road.

Superman grunts and groans, eyes squinting in pain. “Even though it was an unprovoked attack,” he breathes, intestines falling out through his anus, “we should still try to negoti–”

NEIN! SPACE HITLER DOES NOT NEGOTIATE! So don’t hold back! Mongul will blast him with hot! Superman will blast him with cold! This guy is gonna be so warm and comfortable his head will spin like a top!

“Your efforts are pointless,” Imperiex declares as he blasts these two idiots with more energy beams. He’s going to get ready to destroy the Milky Way galaxy! His giant slingshot is already stationed on Messier 51 and ready to go.

“You still have to get past me,” Superman grimaces and starts giving this guy everything he’s got! Which isn’t much. Same old tricks. Punch zap punch punch zap.

“An apt pupil, after all,” Mongul smiles. Zap punch zap. “You’ve actually staggered him. Keep the pressure on. DO NOT LET UP FOR EVEN A MOMENT!”

Ok, ok, stop yelling at me. Jesus.

Imperiex laughs and scoffs! This fuckin’ guy, this Mongul. Imperiex already threw him across the universe the first time, has he learned absolutely nothing. Well, second time’s the charm! FLING!

“MONGUL…!” Superman yells as his butt buddy flies off into nothingness, lost forever to the stars. They had a good run.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Pork ‘n beans! Pork ‘n beans! Thank you for your time!.

We depart from the suspense to see Jimmy delivering the important message to an already-exasperated Lois. Jimmy is huffing and puffing because he took the stairs to Lois and Clark’s 2nd floor apartment, lmao. No, actually, I think they’re on floor 188?

What’s the message? Spit it out, son.

“Well, it’s, uh…” he looks like a terrified child, “beef bourguignon with ketchup.”

…

…

Cool, thanks.

*slam*

Actually, Lois knows what this message means and begrudgingly invites Jimmy in. She looks grateful when he has other plans. They exchange Merry Christmas-related pleasantries and part ways.

Now, I think it’s nice that Superman gave Jimmy their safe words to relay to Lois, but it seems to me that this did nothing but cause Lois to worry even more! Maybe it means “I’m going to die right now and I’m never, ever coming back. Cheers!”

More Lois narration while Superman saves Mongul and they both head back to the fray. “When Clark was growing up in Kansas, everyone had to be aware they were living in the Tornado Corridor…”

Ugh. Okay, so back in Hicksville, Kansas, the Kents made up a secret phrase to tell a messenger in case one of them got separated. This was obviously back before phones, and, obviously, back before it was ok to just say something like “tell Jon I’m all right”. Lois and Clark came up with their own phrase. Clark came up with something dumb and it stuck.

“Fool,” Mongul growls, “You should have kept up the assault and left me for dead.” Superman’s lollygagging might have cost them and trillions of other people their rights to, you know, live. Superman takes that to mean that they’re just doing something wrong and that the need to hit this from a different angle. Nice deflection, Superman. Mongul didn’t even notice.

Perhaps one needs to destroy the thing that Imperiex is currently building!

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Nonsense with your close-mindedness. Take it from me, I’m from the breadbasket of America. AMERICA!

So Superman flies around to create a deep-space tornado while shooting lasers at the construction. We’ve hit peak stupidity but we’re cool.

“No,” Imperiex breathes. Kansas Strength prevails again, dagnabbit.

Mongul congratulates Superman for his four-second path to victory. Then he jabs him in the back with his shoulder. OOMPH! “Unfortunately, he killed you in battle, just before I could destroy him. At least… that’s what I’ll tell them all when I bring back your dead body.”

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!

Mongul is the Final Boss today! “Did you really think I would let the way you humiliated my father go unpunished?” Ah, so this is about MALE INSECURITY, is it? I should’ve known!

But oh ho ho, Superman knew this was going to happen! He knows EVERYTHING! “Thanks to Aquaman, I got into contact with an old… friend before you and I left.” Then he pulls out a bright blue glowstick and blinds Mongul with it. Then he jabs him in the ribs with three fingers. Then he pokes him in the eyes like Moe.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

WHY I OUGHTA

Mongul yells uncle. But Superman doesn’t follow the rules of uncle! He punches him in the face instead!

“You think I’m weaker because I hold back. But I’m stronger because I do,” he says, and we could all learn a lesson from this objectively incorrect statement. Go for the nuts at all times, I always say!

A Sons of Anarchy demon rides up on his Sons of Anarchy Space Motorcycle, riced out with chrome dolphins and a bird skull fender. “You done with that? He’s got a bounty on him in about nine galaxies.”

Lobo. This guy is named Lobo. Superman hands Mongul over and bids Lobo a Merry Christmas, which I would have to opine, with a gun to my head, is a holiday he doesn’t celebrate too often.

It’s almost midnight in the Beef Bourguignon with Ketchup homestead. Lois stares out the window. This fucker had better be back before the bell tolls or she’s going to withhold sex for another five years.

“Perry asked me to come up with something special for the year-end edition of the Daily Planet,” she says. A crossword puzzle sounds nice, but no. It had to be a Superman-related story. The last one of the century. And maybe she will, maybe she won’t. Making a crossword puzzle seems way more fun.

A wooshing rainbow tells Lois that Superman is home. That crossword puzzle is gonna have to wait!

EPILOGUE! Spelled without the “ue”. Why not, let’s save some time!

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153

Can’t spell “epilog” without “pile”… wait for it … of shit.

HERE’S YOUR EPILOG: Imperiex wasn’t actually Imperiex! Imperiex is his boss, and he’s about 50,000 times larger, and he’s gonna crush that punk Superman next time he’s hanging around Earth.

Final Thoughts

Merry Christmas from all your friends in the Year 1999! Boris Yeltsen is going to resign in a week and Vladimir Putin will be in charge! Just another Y2K day, know what I’m sayin’? I’m sure we’ll never hear about that guy again.


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East of West, Issue #25 – “Cast Out All Unbelievers”

* Part 10 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #25 – “Cast Out All Unbelievers”! In the previous installment, Erza Orion is a fucking creep who tattoos messages on people’s backs and then tears the flesh off their backs and sends them as scrolls to his Chosen friends. There will be “one last” gathering.

The three Horsemen begin their rebirths, which involve boiling vats of beef stew.

Death’s two friends bail on him to do Chosen things.

Bel Solomon’s friend wants to go to the Chosen ceremony so that he can do bullets at all of them.

Things are heating up! And I’ve said that for the last 20 issues. But for real this time, things are heating up! I mean it, folks.

East of West, Issue #25 [April, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Cast Out All Unbelievers”

East of West, Issue #25

“I have come to abuse the skeptics, and set fire to the unwashed.“

The Machine City of the Endless Nation, which has that giant, terrifying head-shaped building, is basked in the glow of the evening, uh… moon. Narsimha, the Head Chief of the Machine City Chiefs football team, he’s tossing and turning in his sleep. Grimacing and sweating. “Wake up, Narsimha. The moon is waxing… and the time is nigh… It’s time for you to choose. Are you a chief who sacrifices himself for his people… or a boy without grit – fearing the great game?”

Surely, this is certainly something to lose sleep over. Chief vs. Boy. Not only that, but Chief vs. Boy Without Grit. This ain’t no ordinary boy.

You may remember Nihnootheit, Chief Narsimha’s bird skull godlike buddy that he visited in the dang ol’ Sea of Boney Bones. He’s taunting Sleepy Chief right now, using the moon as ammunition for his insecurities. Waxing moon, indeed.

East of West, Issue #25

Now is NOT the time to get huffy, Chief.

Nihnootheit clenches his hand into a menacing fist. “Each cost much, Narsimha,” he says, referring to the whole Man vs. Boy thing (hold the grit), “Come and pay… Come and pay.”

Yes, yes, the Call Girl Code. Come and Pay. Very classy.

Narsimha wakes from his awful slumber gasping and panting while a nude woman (with titties) snoozes in the bed beside him. Panting and huffing and wheezing, he looks like he hates that he has to make a choice that costs a lot. Plus he’s being nudged very hard to come and pay. That’s annoying.

So annoying, in fact, that Narsimha takes a ride in the middle of the night to the Sea of Bones to give this Nihnootheit, a name that I have to copy and paste, a piece of his mind. A generous chunk of his mind, no doubt. “Huaark!” says the bird skull god of dream invasion, waiting patiently. Then he does some god voodoo hoodoo juju that knocks Narsimha off of his speeding robot horse. “You fell off your machine, little chief. Scraped up your knee. Hurt your pride.”

Narsimha is positively foaming with terrified rage. He pulls out a gun, aims it at Nihnootheit so that, what, he can kill him? Are you kidding? Kill a god with a gun? Motherfucker, you need runes and herbs and Chaos Emeralds for that task. You gotta beat all the other bosses first.

Do you know why Narsimha is so mad? The Endless Nation is forbidden to talk the dead lands! Bird Man just knocked him onto the Sea of Bones! He has touched the Bones! This is the gravest of sins! And, thus, the gun.

“Superstitions aside,” speaks an approaching voice, “attempting to understand Nihnootheit and his kind is a foolish undertaking at best. But, if I was feeling bold and willing to wager a guess… I’d bet he’s teaching you to stand on your own two feet. Again.”

East of West, Issue #25

Yeah, yeah. Huaark Huaark Huaark. Like a goddamn broken record.

Narsimha cannot believe his eyes nor his eyes! It’s Sotuknang! Known better to you and I as Wolf! Eek! Crow is there too in her bird form, and they both look quite angry.

“That’s not my name anymore, Uncle. I am The Wolf… and tonight I am hunting chiefs.”

And he’s all out of bubblegum.

♪ ♫ ♬ In touch with the ground/I’m on the hunt I’m after you/Smell like I sound, I’m lost in a crowd/And I’m hungry like the woooolllllff! ♬♪ ♫ ♬

Would you look at that! Pretty apt there, Duran2.

“My disciples are legion.”

East of West, Issue #25

Death? Again?? I hate that guy! Only thing certain along with taxes. Always waiting for no man.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t everyone’s favorite barkeep! Ol’ One-Eye. You may remember him from the very first issue getting the bejeebus scared out of him! You’re all in for a treat. Death is back and ready to scare the bejeebus out of him again! This will be the third time.

There’s a very large crash, but I can’t tell at all what it actually is. It doesn’t seem important.

“Damned indeed why all are… and it surely is his doin’,” Death says, glaring madly at the barkeep after his meek little “Goddamnit” outburst. “Me? I find my refuge in the Blue, of which I’ll have three.”

Yes sir! Right away, sir! Please don’t death me, sir! I don’t want to death, sir! “I don’t want no trouble,” the barkeep trembles, also not wanting death.

Well it’s trouble you got, you Shit. Seems this guy is friends with the Hunter, which I may or may not have already known (doesn’t matter anyway, it’s a “may not” in the here and now). And that’s not the good stuff for this guy. Not the good stuff at all.

Shaky barkeep DOESN’T WANT ANY TROUBLE! What the fuck? Get out of here! No one wants you! Heh, sorry.

“You askin’ if we’re even?” Death takes a swig intimidatingly and slams the shot glass on the counter with a TOK. “We are not even.”

Ok, fine. What do you want? Diamonds? Gold? Doubloons? Trinkets? Girl scout cookies? Pussy?? Everyone likes pussy! Want some pussy?

Death doesn’t want any pussy! Not today and not ever! He makes a point to mention that the bar looks pretty spotless. Funny, considering Wolf and Crow tore this place up beyond recognition. Must have been hard work putting it all back in order, eh?

Then Death slurps back the second glass and TOKs that sucker on the bar.

Barkeep says that the local law enforcement guys swept through and shut the bar down “‘til they cleared things up”, after which he spent nearly all his money refurbishing the place. Didn’t matter anyway, business sucks ass since a few weirdo supernatural beings tore the place up and murdered a whole bunch of Union army men.

Death slurps his final glass and TOKs it real good. “Place don’t look empty.”
“That’s because of what I did with the little remaining money I had. See, I invested it.”
“In what?” asks Death, gritting his teeth in a grotesque snarl the likes of which I haven’t seen yet! This barkeep’s gonna die.

Or maybe not? He invested his money in mercenaries, which the whole bar is filled with, ready to make short work of Death for showing his face ‘round these parts again’.

East of West, Issue #25

Do these guys really think they’re going to kill Death? Are they cuckoo nutso?

Death predictably finds this challenge to be not very challenging at all. He punches and kicks and grabs knives while swearing at the barkeep that he’ll be coming for him after he’s done here. The barkeep is rallying his crew to “KILL HIM!”, and that’s not very smart. Because they’re the ones being killed, which should have been an obvious outcome here, and now the barkeep is nervously ducking under his bar…

“Shit.”

He musters up a kernal of confidence and strength. “Fine,” he says, grabbing a shotgun from under the bar, “I’ll do it myself.”

CHIK CHAK! Gun noises!

East of West, Issue #25

I can tell you what I see. A second-rate Tim Burton character.

“LOOK AT ME, DEATH!” he yells maniacally, “LOOK AT ME NOW!”

How cute.

The mercenaries are all dead. Death’s white suit is stained with blood up to his thighs. Barkeep is standing on the bar, wind suddenly out of his sails, looking down on the Grim Reaper himself! Ol’ Bonesy. Angel of Whatsits. Death sees “a little man with a big gun. One who just might be smart enough to know what to do next.”

There must be a good reason why Death keeps this guy around. He should’ve been killed nineteen times over, and he has pushed his luck quite blatantly.

“…why are you even here?” Barkeep Hunter One-Eye asks meekly, “What do you want with me?”

YES, I hope we all get the answer to this!

Death wants to hire him.

…

Well, sure. Ok. Let me just get my bright orange vest and my Buck Gardner 6-in-1 duck whistle and– WHAT?!

“You want me to track someone?” the beer-selling Hunter asks, finally letting his guard down now that he knows he’s not going to be pulverized today.”
“Yeah,” Death answers congenially.
“And if I do… that’ll make us square? Settle things once and all between us?”
“Nope,” Death glares, “It won’t even come close.”

SEA OF BONES, SEA OF BONES, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE ARE AT THE SEA OF BONES. Wolf and Narsimha are catching up like old times.

Narsimha doesn’t like to be pushed around, controlled, feeling like he’s not the boss. HE’S the boss! Not some other boss who thinks he’s the boss. *points toward Nihnootheit who is just chilling cross-legged on a pile, perhaps a sea, of bones.

Yeah, well, bad news, Sensei. EVERYONE is being played and controlled. You’re not special, you narcissistic, insignificant speck of dust on God’s taint.

East of West, Issue #25

Don’t change the subject I… oh… ewwww.

Uncle Salty doesn’t really want Wolf around to start proselytizing about his weird Chosen bullshit. Wolf says it’s not his intention to convince him (but it would likely be a positive by-product). Maybe a skeptic partner would help Wolf stay grounded. That sounds fun! “Truth be told, I am ill-equipped to handle what happens next,” Wolf admits.

Yeah yeah yeah, you’re not being very forthright. Narsimha can see it in his mascara-tattooed eyes. What really brings the great and wonder Wolf over to grace the Chief with his shining presence?

Wolf answers by immediately spewing mention of the Message, which Narsimha rolls his eyes about like Jeremy Duncan from everyone’s favorite American newspaper comic strip Zits! Ezra Orion sent Wolf a message on a gross piece of some dude’s back that said “Only you can save your people, and only then if you are Chosen.” Funny thing is, the message also said that he would find Narsimha at the Sea of Bones, that Bird Skull over there was going to give you a talking-to, and that joining Wolf on his path would be beneficial to both of them for, you know, reasons and etc. The chance of success would be greater that way. Success in what is uncertain. Finding the Hookshot to enter the Forest Temple?

Pish posh. This sounds dumb. Narsimha is a RULER of a LAND. What are you, Wolf? You seem like a BUZZING in Narsimha’s EAR.

No way, Bob Bummer. Wolf is the Son of Cheveyo. Cheveyo, who gave Narsimha and endless parade of noogies when they were growing up. Cheveyo, who RULED and LAND then LEFT and YOU took it FROM HIM like it was EARNED, like, AT ALL. MAN.

Step up. Take Cheveyo’s place again for better reasons, you dig? “Will you help me save our people?” Wolf asks him, throwing a whole slew of that Catholic-type guilt all over his uncle. Narsimha is frowning like it’s his job to frown. Which it probably is.

East of West, Issue #25

Archibald doesn’t seem like the kind of uncle who took her niece to Blockbuster on the weekends…

I think we’ve hit our limit with the Endless Nation, ironically. I wanna see what my favorite buddy, Archibald, is up to right now! He and his niece Constance are hovering about the Southern Gate in the Confederacy’s boxy Air Force One aircraft. Archibald enjoys a cigar. I’ve never seen him without one.

A large crowd gathers directly below. Constance believes they are headed in the same direction. Archibald is not worried about such a crowd, for they are pilgrims making a pilgrimage to, probably, that big stupid Armistice. “You might remember learning that they are a seasonal irritant,” Archibald snorts, likening these people to hay fever or bees. Or football. Or pumpkin spice.

Come to think of it, though, now that Ezra Orion is a loose canon gallivanting around town freely, perhaps these pilgrims are seeking him out personally. Just like they are, funnily enough. So yes, to confirm your suspicions, they are headed in the same direction! Sorry that Archibald said that in many, many, many more words.

Constance asks if they seek Ezra Orion so that these sheep can be told how to think and feel and act and shit. Archibald calls her jaded. But also, yes.

“I’m not jaded, Mr. President,” Constance says coyly, “I got here on my own and I’m exactly who I want to be.”

The way Archibald really sees it, pilgrims do the pilgrimage thing for two reasons: 1) They want to give their mundane lives some real meaning since they can’t find it within themselves. They think they deserve something better than their current position. 2) They have accepted who they are and they want to finalize that acceptance with a contribution to the cause. AKA, blowing shit up and destroying heathens in the name of whatever it is they are doing that kind of fucked up shit for. “Fear the martyrs, my dear. Not only are they gambling with house money, but they always bet it all.”

East of West, Issue #25

FREE BIRD! FREEEEE BIIIIIIIRDD!!

Noted, sir. Poker analogies, gotcha. Even Constance isn’t this cynical, but Archibald reminds her that she is lacking in the kind of experience that comes with age! You see, when a man loves a woman, he–

Whoops, wrong talk! Here, Constance, don’t forget that you’re here because even Archibald, with his wits and his complete lack of scruples, isn’t able to keep everything straight. This tangled web of deceit and political maneuvering requires your giant nerd math brain. Time for you to “learn all the variables”, as it were, to be fully prepared! Even the ones that will fuck with your left-brained nerd math brain left-brained bean counter brain sensibilities, nerd.

Variables like what? Oh, nothing really, just the irrational, fervent passion of evangelical worshippers of stupid nonsense and ghouly ghosts in the sky. Evangelical worshippers like your uncle, heh heh. Sur-priiiiise.

Constance is surprised. How the hell does someone like Archibald become a believer in ANYTHING but himself?

“Next I suppose you’re going to tell me about finding Christ and deliverance from all of Hell’s demons,” she says snidely.

“Well, I don’t know anything about the former…” he responds, revealing what awaits in the chamber they are entering, “But I assure you my dear, I am well-versed in the latter.”

She gasps at the giant smiling Hell Demon, surrounded by the frowning seriousness of Orion, Wolf, and Narsimha.

Final Thoughts

The gathering of the Chosen who give a shit commences! Who will show up next? John Freeman 8? Xiaolian Mao? A Horseman or two? Karl Malone?

All this and more in the next thrilling issue!


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 – “Illegal”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Legacy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 – “Illegal”! It’s the end of this storyline, which means Peter Parker is either going to murder Norman with a gun (illegal) or try to conspire to overturn an election for reasons that weren’t very thought-out (illegal). In the previous installment, Peter Parker is ignorant to the fact that Nick Fury was attempting to stop Norman while the whole conversation on the bridge was happening, but he couldn’t get a clear shot without possibly killing MJ. So once MJ was thrown off the bridge, he sent his two helicopters over to shoot Greeny with hundreds of bullets. It doesn’t work.

What does Norman do? He goes home and shoots himself up with TWO syringes full of his goblin serum. He becomes Super Green Goblin, which is just Regular Green Goblin with large horns.

He’ll probably have a heart attack and die, actually. Spider-Man could just stay home and watch Judge Judy and save himself the trouble.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 [November, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Illegal”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Still the worst cover art of any series I’ve come across so far. Spider-Man in provocative poses at inscrutable locales. I can only jerk off to that for so many issues, man.

Darkness. Then a crash. Then a glimpse of Ultra MAGA Green Goblin with his hands wrapped around Parker’s pencil neck. Then a look of surprise from Harry. Then a shark flopping on the floor.

Harry’s all like “hey dad is that you hey cut it out” while Peter Parker is like “gaakkks hurrughha”.

“Too big! My spine is bending. My boots are too wet– I can’t get a footing. He’s too big now. I can’t catch my breath– he’s killing me!!”

Those are Peter Parker’s thoughts running through that mushy head of his. Finally, he gets a leg free and kicks Mega Green Goblin across the face. You would think that this would be like slapping a wet noodle against a cliff, but Goblin recoils anyway and even grunts in paint!

“No time to be fancy. No time to be cute. Just hit him with everything, just win!” Parker thinks as he scrambles and flails. I can’t believe he’s choosing this time to not cavort around like a dainty little spider. I think it’s because his suit is ripped. Maybe he’s just not feeling it this time.

Parker shoots Greeney with a bunch of thick, goopy webs. He covers that mofo full of webby goodness, but Goblin breaks out of it as if he were… uh… fighting his way out of a paper bag? That’ll do for now.

Goblin has one last display of impressive, unstoppable hugeness before he starts gasping and wheezing and making a bunch of HYUGH HUGH HUGH HYUGH HYUGH HUGH sounds on the floor.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Laurie? Grant? Jackman? Hefner? Dancy? Pick one and I’ll give him to you, sir. Even the dead one.

While Green Goooblin is writhing on the floor, Nick Fury commands one of his helicopter agents to take the shot now! The agent says that now Harry is in the way. There’s ALWAYS someone in the way, isn’t there? Sounds like a goddamned flimsy excuse to me. It’s left to Nick Fury to make the call.

“No time to be fancy,” Parker repeats to himself while fancily throwing Osborn’s large stone desk toward the Grumbling Goblin. It misses him and flies through the window glass, so now Spidey has to stop the desk from landing on the sidewalk 450 stories below. And he does. That’s good!

While Parker is hanging out of the window keeping his web on the desk, Goblin attempts to grab that head of his again and crush it like a grape. Parker begs for him to just stop, because there are a bunch of people on the ground that could be crushed and killed if someone were to crush and kill him.

But does the Green Goblin stop? No, he doesn’t stop. He’s whipped up in such a frenzied orgasm of green, muscular rage that there’s no stopping him now! He’s in too deep! He can’t stop now! UGH UGH UGH UGGGHHHH!!

This is the part where Harry grabs a very large, and very sharp, piece of metal from the broken window frame.

This is the part where Harry stabs his father in the back.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Sorry, Pops, but this is going to hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.

Nick Fury’s agent is silent with surprise. Parker looks like someone lodged a big, large, metal stick up his own ass. Osborn takes a swing as his son, but after one final bellow he collapses on the floor, turning back into the normal, impossibly jacked man. In his underwear. He looks dead. *kicks corpse* Maybe?

Harry is pouting and crying, looking at Parker like he just came from Mars. He seems to be in a daze, not really knowing exactly what just happened and what he just did to his dear ol’ dad. Then his eyes roll back in his head and he starts to collapse too. Harry gets special treatment, though. Parker would actually catch him. And he does.

Finally, a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. dudes dressed in these terrifying green suits come storming in through the broken window. “It’s ok, kid. We’re S.H.I.E.L.D. agents under the command of Colonel Nick Fury. You all right?”

Does he look all right, motherfucker? His clothes are ripped and he looks like he just pooped out a watermelon.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Uhhh, the floor is not really secure. There’s broken glass and water all over the place. Someone could slip and get an ouchie.

Then the dashing Nick Fury hovers in front of the broken window…somehow. I’m not up to speed on Nick Fury’s various superpowers, but I can check “hovering in front of a broken window” off of that list. He’s wearing an enviable maxi coat and… is that a fresh eyepatch I see?? Wonderful!

“Secure the area and start clean-up ASAP, gentlemen. Don’t make me say it twice. And get Carter up here to deal with the local authorities.”

Norman Osborn still lies on the floor mostly naked. *kicks corpse* OK, doesn’t look like he’s dead just yet. Getting impaled through the torso with a large metal object usually does it, but if the stabbing doesn’t get him then the tetanus surely will. Well, get a move on, team! Shove him out of the way, put him in a hospital, feed him circus peanuts, whatever it takes. Chop chop.

Fury tells Parker that it’s a good thing Harry fainted. He doesn’t have to witness any more of this crazy-ass shit (even though, arguably, he already saw and did the craziest-ass shit of the evening). When Parker asks if Harry’s going to get arrested, Fury laughs in his face and gives him a wedgie. “We’ll deprogram the hackwork hypnotherapy and then we’ll do what we can to get him back to a normal life,” Fury explains, “It’ll work out. We’ve seen worse.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

You stole my Game Boy Color and I want it back!!!!

Then he gives Parker an I-told-ya-so with respect to the kid’s skepticism about Fury’s involvement, which pisses the kid off a little bit. He gives Fury a big, angry frown. It’s cute.

“Think of it this way, kid – one less injection and Norman might have had enough wits about him to really do something horrible,” Fury assures him rather poorly. No bedside manner to be seen here. Anyway, grab some street clothes from Harry’s closet and scram! Ha ha ha. Just kidding, you old so-and-so. *playful knocks Parker in the chin so hard by accident that he needs to pick his jaw up off the floor*

Fury offers Parker some gum. Looks like the unmistakably, awful gray color of Juicy Fruit. Parker shoots daggers at Fury some more. Here’s one for ya: you saved your girlfriend! That’s gotta count for something, right? She’s the only in the whole school who likes you. You don’t want to let that one go!

Speaking of which, MJ is back at home, so Fury pulls surveillance off-duty on her house. Also, cut off surveillance on Parker too. No more surveillance! Everything is safe and sound and there will be no problems ever again!

BUT, and this is a big “but”… don’t tell MJ about any of this. That’s going to be shitty in the long run, especially if you break up. It’s like your ex knowing all your weird sex stuff, only WORSE. If you do, every little thing (she does is magic) may put her in greater danger. “There are just some things civilians aren’t meant to know.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

This is basically a nicer way of saying “you’re a little nerd, kid, and I’d very much like to not have to be involved in your life. Or, like, see you or talk to you. At all.”

When Fury tells Parker that he doesn’t have what it takes to hang with the big boys, Parker spits back him with his sour grapes attitude that he doesn’t even WANT to join Fury’s stupid Big Boy Club. He especially doesn’t want to associate with Big Boy himself, the president.

Ha! Well, guess what? You’re in it anyway. You’re too young to hang with the big boys but you are anyway! Catch my drift? You are and you aren’t! Get it? No? Yeah, me neither.

“You’re a genetic mutation. You turn eighteen – you belong to me,” Fury says ominously, and rather inappropriate sexually, “That’s the way it is.”

So enjoy your youth, son!

Parker looks all but fucking ravaged. He was looking forward to joining the army! Now he has to join stinky S.H.I.E.L.D.? What a rip.

He even starts crying! LOL!

It’s enough to make him bolt out of there through the window WITHOUT getting his jammies from Harry’s closet. Fury just watches him go silently while the mercenaries are like “WHUT” and “WHOA”. Parker swings around town, likely in an angry pity party, and Fury tells his men to just let him angst it up if he wants. The kid deserves THAT much.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27

Well…uh…that’s pretty gross! Heh heh heh. Umm…yeah, gross dude. Gross. Have a nice life.

Parker arrives at the abandoned warehouse where he insisted MJ go to lay low. “Mary? Pssst…”

MJ is holding a pipe ready to bash anyone’s brains in who’s too stupid to come close to her. That includes you, Spider Boy.

No, that’s rude of me! Of course she’s happy to see him! Or is that a gun in her pocket? Either way, she gives him a big hug and starts sobbing uncontrollably. “Augguhhh! Ooooh, agughguh!” Like Popeye.

MJ wanted to go home, but she listened to Peter. She listened and she’s glad he’s all right and she’s glad she’s all right and she’s glad everyone is all right.

But she’s not all right. She’s not all right at all. This is absolute madness. AND she has homework to do. Ugh, the night keeps getting worse.

“Why? Why were you there?” Parker asks, “Why did you go to the Osborns?”
“I– I thought you were going to be there.”
“But I told you about Harry’s father. I told you he was–”
“Peter, you didn’t tell me anything!! You told me you thought he was that monster thing! You didn’t tell me you knew!”

Well, same difference, lady. Parker hangs his head sheepishly. Plus, what happened to Harry? What’s going on with Harry? What about Harry? Harry, Parker. Harry.

Oh yeah, Harry. I remember that guy. “He’s gone… again.”

Goddamnit. Now what? Oh yeah, Nick Fury advised him to cork it around his girlfriend. Time to put that into practice. “I don’t want to talk about it just yet.”

Then they look away from each other. Forlorn.

Final Thoughts

*happy West Wing end credits music*

Norman Osborn is incapacitated. Harry Osborn is benumbed. Nick Fury is uncompromising. Mary Jane Watson is despondent. Peter Parker is a Virgo.

How much emotional trauma can one kid take? My guess is 27 issues worth, and then an additional 100+ issues! See you in the next storyline, dudes and dudettes!


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The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 1 – “Pilot”

The X-Files

“Agent Dana Scully is instructed to debunk an FBI project dubbed ‘The X-Files,’ cases linked to the paranormal that have been reopened by Agent Fox Mulder.“

I’m told by an intro card that this story was inspired by actual documented accounts, which basically means some high-as-balls Gen-Xer spent 40 hours dehydrated in a desert.

The opening scene shows a frightened woman running through some woods in Oregon. After she trips, a mysterious man approaches and a flash of blinding white light kills her! Spooky! This is one for the Ex-Files.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot

They didn’t warn me about this kind of shit at Quantico.

Agent Dana Scully, not a day older than 26, gets pulled into her supervisor’s office to discuss Agent “Loose Cannon” Foxy Mulder and her reassignment. She is now tasked with keeping a close eye on this guy for the next seven years in order to expose him for the crazy quack that he is! For the greater good. Also, she’s a logical skeptic, and frankly, she’s bugging everyone in the office too.

Scully wastes no time meeting her newest buddy. I’ve always been jealous of Mulder’s windowless basement office. As a guy who hates people and sunlight, it would be my dream to be holed up in a remote part of the building. I’d finally get some Wheel of Time reading done!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot

Go fuck yourself with your Quantico training. You’re going to start seeing some real shit now.

Mulder shows his newest partner a well-prepared slide show of the incident with the woman who died in the woods, Karen Swensen. She has two marks on her body that look like she was bitten by an evil alien vampire! Scully declares that she wasn’t bitten by an evil alien vampire, which causes Mulder to go all smug-face. Also, I wasn’t listening that closely anyway!

The duo travels to Oregon by airplane, in which Mulder takes up about five seats. The turbulence makes him horny. Once they land, they take a car to their next destination: a cemetery where Mulder intends to exhume a corpse of a kid who died of similar causes. If I were Scully I would be quite suspicious that my new partner wants to actually fuck that corpse, but he’ll never actually do that kind of thing in front of her. Silly goose.

The first confrontation of the series happens at the cemetery, where Mulder accuses the doctor in charge of the autopsy of not really autopsying very thoroughly. The dude gets mad and yells at the sexy man with indignation! Why is the FBI always poking their noses around crimes? Leave the crimes to the medical doctors!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot

With all due respect, Doctor, I don’t think kicking the body around with your shoe counts as a full autopsy!

I lol’ed out loud when they dig up the casket, drop it, and it rolls about seventy feet down the hill where it pops open and reveals what Mulder believes desiccated alien corpse. It has a hole in its mummified face shaped like a vagina. A human vagina! The plot thickens like so much floury gravy.

During her own take on the autopsy, Scully finds an object implanted in the body that’s shaped like one of those short green pieces from a K’Nex set. Very curious. I’m quivering with anticipation.

Sculder and Mully visit a mental health care facility where they intend to talk to two additional victims of an evil alien vampire! A coma kid and a wheelchair lady. Once the thrashing, angry young wheelchair woman flails enough to expose those two marks that were also found on the dead woman, Scully gets mad that Mulder was right. Mad that Mulder was right and that he thinks it’s aliens. Mad that Mulder was right and that he thinks it’s aliens and now Scully is going to have a tougher time writing up those debunking reports for the Big Boss.

Mulder wants to traipse through the woods now; every victim has been attacked in the woods, so let’s take our chances too! Perhaps we’ll get abducted and get hella probed and fondled. There’s that horniness coming out again in full force!

While in the woods, they encounter an officer of the local sheriff’s department, who gets cross with these two FBI agents and insists that they get the fuck out before he does some good old fashioned Orgeon-style shotgun shoot-’em-ups. Mulder is not going to stop meddling. Mulder never stops meddling.

Earlier in the episode, on the way to the cemetery, they drive through a strange flux of extraterrestrial alien spacetime warp quantum physics tear in the fabric of earthly delights. Mulder made a note of the location, and now he’s driving through that same stretch of road again. He checks his watch, it’s 9:03, there’s a flash of light, the two are disoriented, Mulder checks his watch, it’s 9:12, he runs out in the rain hooting and hollering about the aliens. He sees the “X” he drew on the road earlier with red paint and he straight up whips that dick out and strokes himself to completion.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot

Scully… your hair smells like raspberries and residual Quantico training sweat.

That night, Scully types up her report on her whiz-bang 1993 portable FBI laptop, trying to throw Mulder under the bus the best she can, and the power goes out. No more laptop typing, because apparently her whiz-bang 1993 portable FBI laptop needs 110 volts at all times. She lights a candle and heads off to the bathroom, intending to take a shower. After some risqué shots of underpants and side-thigh, she is thoroughly alarmed by something unknown and scoots off to Mulder’s motel room for a second opinion. The first scene of sexual tension happens when she disrobes and he feels the bumps she discovered on the small of her back. They’re mosquito bites. He touches them for another 45 minutes with a glazed look in his sad, Mulder eyes.

A bond has now been solidified! They share a candlelit evening where Mulder discloses his sister’s disappearance when they were children. Possibly alien abducted. By aliens. This isn’t much of a secret, as subsequent episodes will show Mulder screaming about this to anyone who will hear him and/or listen and/or sort of looking at him while he rants. His whole life from that point forward has been dedicated to finding out what happened. THUS, the X-Files were born! Because the first 23 letters were taken.

They find out the thrashing wheelchair lady died. They visit her dead body and her wristwatch shows 9:03. Mulder gets all riled up again. They return to the motel and it’s on fire, destroying Scully’s laptop and all the evidence. Mulder is BESIDE HIMSELF and his acting has never been so Emmy-worthy. Such a glorious display of “AHHH!” and “THE EVIDENCE!” and “BAAAHHH!!”

Autopsy doctor has been lying. He’s in cahoots with the officer of the sheriff’s department. Something’s fishy here and it stinks like fish. Time to exhume more corpses! And before he even digs up one bone, he has an epiphany! The coma kid! The coma kid from the hospital! The coma kid who has been in a coma for the last four years has used his magic coma powers to lure these people to the woods in order to put dots on their body.

Mulder and Scully visit the coma kid in the hospital and poke him around for a bit, trying to get a reaction out of him. Poking and prodding. Mulder touches his gross foot, Scully extracts and item from it, and they hightail out of there.

Back to the woods! Maybe they’ll find more evidence, but what they find is another screaming person. While chasing after the location of the screen, Mr. Sheriff Guy bunts Scully in the face with his gun and trains it at Mulder. Mulder is like “NO!” and they see Coma Kid (with dots on his back) lifting up an unconscious woman and that white light happens again. The wind swirls. The woman is gone. Coma Kid still stands. He’s not a coma kid anymore. His back dots are gone.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot

I’m here for your offering! Now please give me back my shirt!

No-Longer-Coma kid gives a testimony at the FBI Headquarters, where he talks about “them” who implanted a chip up his nose that made him do bad things. He’s afraid “they” will come back again. Mulder looks at Scully with an “I told you so” face. Scully submits her shitty report about the aliens, which pisses off her direct supervisor. Every question she’s asked is answered with some permutation of “uhhh not sure”.

BUT, she does have a piece of evidence that wasn’t destroyed in the fire! A vial containing the K’Nex piece. They ran a chemistry test on it, the material is unidentifiable! Crazy, right? It’s like space is full of elements that didn’t come from space. Totally reasonable.

That night, Mulder calls Scully at 11:22 in the fucking evening because he can’t sleep. He tells her that her case file isn’t in the database. It’s hella gone. Destroyed, see. It’s a shady coverup.

The episode ends with Cigarette Smoking Man walking through a giant Pentagon warehouse full of evidence from various cases. He pulls out a box containing several other vials containing implants. He adds Scully’s vial to the box and re-shelves it.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot

I am always losing my keys!

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 2 — “Deep Throat”
Mulder and Scully bust into an alien porn studio and Mulder takes closeup shots of alien genitalia for his “research”.


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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761 – “For a Thousand Years…”

* Part 7 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761 – “For a Thousand Years…”!

In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, it is revealed that Lois Lane stole an artifact from the vicinity of the Fortress of Solitude while she and Superman were cavorting around Antarctica, which led to an entity named Kem-L to storm his way through Lois and Clark’s apartment. There’s a dumb fight. Also, Perry White yells at Jimmy Olsen.

In the previous issue of Action Comics (Vol. 1), a sultry seductress named La Encantadora uses her sultry seductress skills to sell fake kryptonite to villains and goad Superman into kicking their asses while she slinks away with their money. It was a very long issue, but I just summed it up in one sentence. I also totally copied and pasted that from an earlier blog post. That’s called being fucking lazy.

Onward.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761 [January, 2000]
Written by: Joe Kelly
“For a Thousand Years…”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

I’m positive that “For a Thousands Years…” is a reference to how long it will take me to read through this issue. All of these turn-of-the-millennium comic books are dreadfully long and wordy. Much like my blog pages! Who am I to criticize?

Tom, that’s who.

I’ve been eating a lot of Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal lately, and in spite of getting diabetes in my ‘30s I’ll also have the necessary energy to plow through this! I consider it a wash.

Anyway, welcome Wonder Woman to the spotlight. Time to see some seriously sweaty, strangely erotic demon hacking and slashing.

“Metropolis. A city where Sunday morning snuggling is still a national pastime…” Yeah, whatever Joe Kelly. I’ve seen pictures of you, you’ve never snuggled anything in your life.

Lois and Clark are snuggling reading the newspaper. It’s full of that WHO IS MRS. SUPERMAN hullabaloo, and they’re both having a good laugh over it. HA HA! Like that. Clark kisses her on the head with a “SMEK”.

Out of curiosity, though… let’s say that Lois wasn’t “Mrs. Superman”. Who would have wedded and bedded? Think about this carefully! Don’t fall in the trick bag! Whew, he’s a little bit smarter than he looks, barely. It’s Lois and it’ll always be Lois. Did he win?

No. Lois insists on a real answer to the question.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

…Ruth Bader Ginsburg?? Hmm, she did leave a sexy corpse…

Speaking too soon, lady. Horrible timing, because five seconds after Lois draws open the curtains, the stunning-as-all-getout WONDER WOMAN makes her entrance! Lois’ jubilation has been stamped out! Maybe even literally, since Wonder Woman is roughly 14 feet taller than Lois and could accidentally crush her like a bug.

A couple of kids are gazing up at the sky from a bridge.
“Heh… hey, dude, look, up in the sky… it’s a bird–”
“Yeah… luckiest bird ever… Good God, those legs…”

Now that we’re done objectifying Superman, I assume, we see he and Wonder Woman hanging out in the sky. They’re hooking arms, and I know for sure that Wonder Woman can’t fly but I still wouldn’t trust this whatsoever. The guy could be distracted by a doughnut he sees on the ground with his super telescopic vision and then Wonder Woman would drop like a stone.

There’s some good-natured, gentle ribbing about how Wonder Woman decided to conspicuously knock on the window of his apartment, where she could be easily observed by thousands of people, and also get Lois all riled up and jealous. Bad! Wonder Woman stays coy, like “ooooh, did I get you in trouble, big man? You can find my apology inside my vagina.”

Ha! Sounds tempting! *flies away*

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

Things are just fine, I can tell. No Wiccan spellcasting rituals tonight!

At home, a disheveled Lois gazes into a bathroom mirror. Obviously riled up. Obviously jealous. Obviously thinks she doesn’t got the goods. This isn’t the Lois Lane I know! The Lois Lane I know would be bitch-smacking this Lois Lane, guaranteed.

“Stupid golden lasso…”

A couple of ugly motherfuckers at the police station are fervently discussing the identity of Mrs. Superman. Officer Blanks, a man, and Officer Loretta Something-or-Other, a woman. She must be pretty hot and smart and funny and can cook a mean pot roast and derail a train with her big penis. Loretta says she met Superman and she knows what he likes! In fact, he came down to the station and dropped off a weird glass cube with a black crystal in it! Evidence! Blanks and Loretta don’t notice the crystal hissing, emitting a strange, swirling orange smoke…

FINALLY, after some flirting and beating around the bush, Wonder Woman discusses why she’s bothering Superman in the first place. It has to do with the son of Mongul and his desire to get help from the only man who actually CAN help. And this time it’s NOT Jeff Goldblum, although the offer is still on the table for his involvement. Certainly, though, Superman doesn’t really trust that guy… but it’s hard to fake that kind of fear in the eyeballs. He’s seen a lot of eyeballs in his day, and he knows eyeball fear when he sees it. So, he’ll be joining this new buddy in deep space, and he’ll need Wonder Woman to hold down the fort while he’s gone. The Earth fort. If she would be so kind.

Ok, fair enough. Well, sir, Wonder Woman is there for you. She can lasso like nothing else. Giddy-up and yee-haw.

“You’ve told Lois, of course?”
“Lois? Told her what?”
“Told her about this quest. You’re not asking me to watch the Earth as a formality…”

No, he hasn’t told her diddly-squat. And he doesn’t want to! First of all, he doesn’t want her to worry. Second of all, she’ll want to COME and UGGGHHH can’t he just be alone for FIVE MINUTES???

“So you didn’t tell Lois, your wife, the love of your life… but you told me?” she asks, putting her hand on his shoulder.
“Well, yes, but… it’s different with you…”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

Hey there, baby… looks like we’re alone here in this… high school cafeteria…

Before they get a chance to indulge in rude intercourse, a large KRAKOOM rattles the area! Next is a SHAZZAKKT! Nanu nanu! And that shazzakkt strikes the two of them and envelops them in a sphere of energy. It totally kills the mood.

Superman and Wonder Woman are dizzy and woozy, and they may have time-traveled, and at the very least they’ve been teleported. Wonder Woman recognizes the place, but, to Superman’s confusion, she jumps at like a scared cat and starts screaming shit like “WRETCHED DEATH MONGER!!!” and “FILTHY, ILL-BEGOTTEN OFFAL-SPAWN! YOU DARE THREATEN A DAUGHTER OF THEMYSCIRA?!?” and “TEAR YOUR INNARDS OUT AND TIE YOU TO THE TREE OF LIFE WITH, SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT HERDER!!!” For real, it’s kind of hot. But Superman keeps trying to get her attention, and it’s thus far an unsuccessful endeavor.

She appears to be beating up a giant robot bug. Like a mantis or a grasshopper. A red-bearded man in flamboyant armor makes a hearty entrance and approaches Superman. He admires Wonder Woman’s instinctual tenacity! She will be a valorous ally! To what, we don’t know yet. Super Smash Bros.? The N64 version of course.

This dude is Thor, Odin’s son, and he welcomes Superman to Valhalla! Bathroom is two doors down on the right.

Wonder Woman finishes making short work of whatever it was that she yelled at. A demon from the deepest circles of Hades, she says. Wickedness incarnate, she says. The beasts are called, uh, “vrgtsmyth”. I think there are some letters missing. Or there should be less letters. Pick a direction.

None of that matters right now. Superman is aghast, because Wonder Woman *puts his hands on his cheeks like Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone* K-K-K-K-K-K-KILLED IT!

“Of course. What was I supposed to do with it?” she replies matter-of-factly. Superman continues to gibber and have a fucking heart attack about this. Mr. Odinson, the DC Thor and not the Marvel Thor, is like “she had no choice, idgit. The vrgtsmyth are a scourge to us all! They’re the rats of the, you know, ground. And Valhalla is positively lousy with the whatsits! *cough* *hack* *wheeze* *hack* *sputter*”

Superman still doesn’t understand. Can’t they just negotiate with these monsters? Sign a treaty? Why do you all have to kill them? Superman can’t even kill a bug without crying for six hours and asking the Lord for forgiveness. And Thor all but tells Superman to stick his peace treaties up his gaping butt. “Kal, there’s no grey area for me here,” Wonder Woman tries to explain to the lumbering blue-spandexed oaf, “I’m honor-bound to defend Asgard without question…”

Ok, lady, but how about this: uhhhhhh, how about a peace treaty instead? And furthermore–

Thor calls his nerd a weak coward, which is where we can both agree. So look, chump: Son o’ Odin expended every ounce of energy getting them here, so he can’t send you back where you came from right now. Not until the war is over!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

So, pack ye a lunch.

What’s happening out of Valhalla, back in the real world? Why, it’s our good friend La Encantadora who seduced Superman, and if you can’t remember who that is, I don’t blame ya! Everyone tries to seduce Superman! He’s very seducible, as the dictionary tells me.

She’s in prison telling stories to her chain smoking prison mate. Yes, she kissed Superman! It was awful! His lips were like wriggling worms! On the plus side, those were NOT the kisses of a married man. No man who is married would kiss like that. I guess what I’m getting at here is that Superman is unmarried!!

No way, José. You’re full of beans or my name isn’t CHAIN SMOKING PRISON MATE.

Hold that thought! The guard is here to deliver lunch, and he sure looks like he’s under some horrible spell. I wonder if being in the immediate vicinity of La Encantadora has something to do with it, but probably not. Right? Unlikely. The dish has a single vial which starts emitting some of that scarlet smoke. You know, the one that allows her to encantadora the whole room! The smoke hisses.

Valhalla! A battle to end all battles! Or rather, a battle to start all battles…is underway.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

This sounds like literal Hell. I mean, do they get to put on fresh changes of clothes? Do they even get Nintendo breaks?

It sounds horrible, just beating up vrhtmyth after vsrirsbsmyth for years and years. Can you even imagine that? Imagine that right now. Instead of getting up and going to work on weekdays and indulging in your hobbies and watching the seasons change and going to the store to pick up some flower pots and garden gnomes and fixing some stuff around the house and hanging out downtown with friends and eating some dinner and watching new episodes of Better Call Saul and finding new interests and making new friends and starting a family, you’re hitting demons with an axe every 45 seconds for decades. What the fuck is that bullshit?

And the worst part is that Superman had to be careful not to kill any of them himself because the Book of Mormon forbids it.

Oh yeah, and he didn’t want to forget about Lois even though he’s spent 20,000 days in a row, morning, noon, and night, with someone way more attractive and physically fit. And she stays respectful even though she has a thing for him. He’s growing a stupid beard.

And one day, Superman could barely remember Lois. He can’t even remember how she smells. Wonder Woman, on the other hand, smells like orchids and sunflowers and daisies and meatloaf and electrical fires and old hats. It’s quite intoxicating.

Yadda yadda yadda. This goes on a while with that parchment-y narration. Even Thor eventually died, which is fucked up because he’s an actual god. Now Superman can’t remember Lois’ credit card number or the school she went to in third grade, but Wonder Woman shits tulips and ambrosia.

And they fight and fight and their bond grows stronger and stronger. Kind of shitty that Lois asked that question so vehemently at the beginning of the book! Way to jinx it.

And it sounds like the penis is really closing on the vagina here. Let’s check back with the goings-on at the Daily Planet. Perry White is talking about his terrible marriage with his terrible wife and how he cheated like a terrible husband why they continue to stick it out anyway for no readily apparent reason. He was able to reconcile with a bouquet of roses. He probably bought them from a bum near the gas station alley for 14 dollars and a kiss.

Uhh huhhhh. So Lois is like “OK! So even though Clark might be boning Wonder Woman, it could be also possible that he’s NOT boning Wonder Woman? Is that what I’m gleaning here?”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

UH HA HA HA HA HAAAA! *laughtrack* *Perfect Strangers end credits music*

More Game of Thrones valor happens in Valhalla for a small collection of panels. Glory. Honor. The touch of woman would be nice one in a while, it’s kind of hard to just go without that for decades. Even prisoners touch each other once in a while, man. By now Superman kind of looks like Jared Leto at his hairiest and beardiest. He appears to be bedridden, needing potions and leeches, probably. Wonder Woman fans him with a comically large feather. A big offensive strike is going to happen. This is their last night together, whether they win or die. There is ALMOST a kiss! But then Superman pusses out. LOIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 1,000 YEARS NOW BUT SO HELP HIM, HE WILL NOT PUT HIS LIPS ON ANOTHER WOMAN’S LIPS. NOT ON HER TASTY, TASTY LIPS.

Fine. Be that way.

“Thank you, Diana… for always being my best friend. I love you.”
And Wonder Woman is like, then bone my brains out idiot. “I love you too, Clark…”

AND THE BATTLE RAGES ON! SLASH! BASH! ZOOM! BOOM!

They win! Yay!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #761

Is that it? IS THAT “IT”?? I’ll give you varlet, you overflowing dump truck of bullshit.

Thor immediately rises from the dead, I’m hypothesizing here, to congratulate them on a job well done! Kudos! Here’s your plaque and your TGI Friday’s gift card! Thor is like “yes I’m back hurf durf hurf durf and guess what, Superwoman and Wonder Man? You get to pick anything you want from the box as a reward! Whoopie cushions, yo-yos, the sticky hands that you fling against the wall and then they’ll stick to the wall! Ha ha ha!

They both smile! Anything? ANYTHING?? Wow!

Lois is at home in her nicer-than-Valhalla Metropolis apartment writing a letter. It’s a confession about whatever deal she made with Lex regarding selling back the Daily Planet. I think that’s what happened. He might have picked up Arby’s for her, too. That might be part of it. Now she’s like OH DEAR, PLEASE FORGIVE ME CLARK. I DON’T DESERVE TO BE YOUR WIFE. BOO HOO.

Lois is crying on the balcony and crunching up the letter, ready to toss it down to the street. Maybe even toss herself down to the street! But a large unknown blue blur whisks her up in the sky. Is it Sonic the Hedgehog? You’re close!

Superman and Lois share a very passionate, very public kiss. While they hover in the air among apartment buildings where about 900 people could easily see them. Superman’s not very conspicuous as it is, after all. Not very bright either, I guess, as I have already said many, many times over the course of many, many issues. He could give Captain America a run for his money.

Superman misses her; from his point of view he’s been gone about 45,000 years.
Lois misses him; from her point of view he’s been gone about 45,000 seconds.

That’s about 12 hours.

Final Thoughts

Superman doesn’t want to kill anything and he doesn’t want to fuck anything. Do you think he’d cry if he tried a sip of beer? Do you think he’d go into exile if he accidentally smelled marijuana?


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