Star One, Chat Pile, and Viagra Boys

Yo man, I’m on a roll! No time to extend this post any longer than it already is! Here are some roundups for Star One, Chat Pile, and Viagra Boys.

Star One – Revel in Time
(February 18, 2022)

Star One - Revel in Time

Technically, it’s Arjen Anthony Lucassen’s Star One, because why not? A guy like Lucassen is so over-the-top with his grandiosity that it’s no surprise that the band’s name contains the 20 letters of his own grandiose name. Don’t forget the apostrophe S.

This guy has been around forever, usually making solo projects under the moniker “Ayreon” and contributing to countless collaborations, but one thing is always, always, ALWAYS constant with his music: the sheer ostentatious pomposity. Everything is like a seven-layer quadruple chocolate cake of progressive metal self-indulgence. I can only listen to a fucking Ayreon album once every two years. I can only take so much, and it doesn’t take much to take so much.

This brings me to his first album under his Star One project in 12 years, Revel in Time. As usual, these songs are directly inspired by science fiction movies. Meaning, these songs are exactly about these movies. Like, these songs are just plot synopses. “Back from the Past” is just Back to the Future (“And when the lightning strikes/You have to be precise/Exactly 10:04/And not a second before“). “Revel in Time” is just Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (“You got to believe you’re the only ones/Here to preserve our society/It’s hard to conceive you’re the Great Ones/You’ll end all war and poverty“). “Today Is Yesterday” is just Groundhog Day (“Round the clock, it never stops/He can end his life, do whatever he likes/But it’s all in vain, he can’t explain/There is nothing he can do about it/No, there’s nothing he can do about it“).

There’s a lot I could say to illustrate how shitty this is, but there are two things I want to mention about it in particular: 1) There is no room for actual imagination or creativity in the lyrics. Just make things rhyme, I guess. 2) I think it’s kind of depressing that a 62-year-old man is gung-ho enough about semi-mediocre sci-fi movies to revolve entire albums around them. ENTIRE albums. Not just a track or two. It’s demented.

Skip this.

Early Verdict:

Chat Pile – God’s Country
(July 29, 2022)

Chat Pile - God's Country

Not very many bands are out of Oklahoma, are there? A quick search brings up a whole lot of nobodies, and then All-American Rejects, the Flaming Lips, and Hanson! Now, fresh out of Oklahoma City, we have Chat Pile. They’re the newest teen sensation since Pig Destroyer! MMMBop indeed.

Chat Pile plays sludgy noise rock with a lot of hardcore punk and industrial influence, and it’s unlike anything I’ve heard in a while. The production is hellishly sparse to create an atmosphere of industrial desolation while vocalist Raygun Busch rants and raves about nihilism and the futility of human existence over slow bass drones and squealing guitars. I love Busch’s voice; he sounds like if Jesse Pinkman was really mad about social injustice. At times the music and vocals sound even more demonic and twisted than your average death-doom band. The band makes great use of empty space, where the silence between phrases can be eerily louder and more powerful than yelps of “THERE’S MORE SCREAMING THAN YOU THINK!” Screw heavy metal, this stuff is the real scary music.

I can actually believe the vitriol behind Busch’s pained shouting. He really sells it. “Why” is my favorite track; the bass grooves go full-on Melvins while Busch screams about how society treats the homeless. It packs an emotional punch. “I COULDN’T SURVIVE OUT IN THE STREETS! COULD YOU?! I’VE NEVER HAD TO PUSH MY SHIT AROUND IN A SHOPPING CART!” But it’s not all hollerin’ and howlin’. “I Don’t Care if I Burn” is a somber, melancholy, calm spoken-word piece over no music. Just the sound of a crackling fire. “I think about killing you every day.” He sounds like Steve Albini if he were plotting some very public domestic abuse.

Never do I feel bored, never do I consider the music to be a load of indiscernible mush from one song to the next. Genres are often switched up from the guitar tones alone, freely maneuvering around its many influences without sacrificing its identity.

That is to say, this albums rules.

Early Verdict:

Viagra Boys – Cave World
(July 8, 2022)

Viagra Boys - Cave World

Viagra Boys’ album from last year, Welfare Jazz, landed a very respectable #5 spot in my top albums from 2021. Then I learned that their lead guitarist, Benjamin Vallé, died just last October. Then I learned that they basically had their third album in the can without Vallé. I thought that was nuts. A founding member tragically died at an early age, then the band is able to move on and get another album of fresh material recorded and released within a year? This can’t be good, right? This jarring circumstance is going to be noticeable, isn’t it?

I guess not. Against unspeakable odds, these guys are steadfast and consistent. Cave World is a continued step in the right direction, further expanding upon their unique sound and proving themselves the best damn Sweden-based punk band working right now. Maybe the only Sweden-based punk band!

Songs stick to two themes: self-deprecation/ironic arrogance and transparent political commentary. There are three, count ’em THREE, songs about humanity’s failure to evolve! With Sebastian Murphy’s usual tongue-in-cheek and hilarious lyrics, it wouldn’t matter if they were all about monkeys. “Troglodyte” is fast-paced and catchy with these cool electronic bloops during the choruses. The people who don’t believe in science and think the news is fake “…ain’t no ape, (you’re) a troglodyte“. The music of “The Cognitive Trade-Off Hypothesis” plods along on a prehistoric ugga-chugga rhythm with sprinkles of these Crystal Castles-style witch house synths. Murphy sings in falsetto about how “we climbed down from the trees and learned to speak/we lost all of our cognitive ability“. Then the closer, “Return to Monke”, has some of my favorite lyrics on the whole record: “Well, everybody’s worried about the future/Well, don’t take that vaccine man, they’ll, they’ll turn you into a computer/Well, out here in your local jungle, ain’t nobody vaccinated/We spend our time throwing shit at each other, we’re just hanging out masturbating“.

Speaking of vaccines, Murphy goes on an extended spoken-word diatribe on “Creepy Crawlers”. Ranting like a feral Nick Cave, he plays the part of an alt-right conspiracy theorist who tried to tell all of us that we should’ve done our research before “voting for the wrong motherfucker”. “Wow, they got kids growing up with animal tails, man/They’re putting microchips in the vaccine/And they’re putting creepy crawlers in the microchips/The kids without the vaccines are getting harvested/Because their blood is untainted“. Look, I could sit here and quote the whole album. There’s pure gold everywhere you look.

And of course, the usual sad-sack stuff is also great. “Punk Rock Loser” pokes fun at the shitty alpha male arrogance (“I ain’t your average, punk rock loser/Yeah, I’m a savage, I’m really cool/I tried to warn ya, I’m loose“). “Ain’t No Thief” gets loudly defensive about blatant robbery (“I ain’t no thief/We just happen to have the same stuff, motherfucker“). “Big Boy” shows off lack of confidence merely by drawing attention to it (“I’m a big boy, babe/I don’t start crying if you make fun of me/Yeah, I’m a big boy, honey/Ain’t got problems with my insecurities“).

Not to belabor the point that the album is fantastic, but it has a guaranteed spot on this year’s Top 25.

Early Verdict:


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26 – “Circles”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Legacy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26 – “Circles”! Green Goblin’s been rambling psychotically about circles for two issues now. Let’s make it three, shall we? In the previous installment, Harry Osborn is undergoing hypnosis therapy that involves a lot of gaslighty brainwashing. It’s the only way Norman can make his son love him. Sad!

We also see the entire Green Goblin/Spider-Man exchange from Marjorie Taylor Greene Goblin’s point of view. As his evil alter ego, Norman is plagued with terrifying and persistent voices in his head that simultaneously tell him to thwart Spider-Man, hug and kiss Spider-Man, some nonsense about circles, some biochemical engineering jargon, and recipes for apple crisp. Goblin kidnaps MJ, we already knew that, but then he drops her off the side of the skyscraper. Spider-Man catches her before she hits the East River, but she’s unconscious and/or dead and that was the cliffhanger of the millennium!

And Nick Fury was nowhere to be found. That’s going to piss Peter Park off, man.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26 [November, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Circles”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26

THE TRISKELION! The Ultimates’ floating headquarters five miles outside New York City! Well, this comic series about goblins, robot octopuses, and web-slinging teenagers has lost me completely at this point. Floating headquarters?? Outrageous.

Nick Fury is somewhere to be found after all. The floating headquarters, that’s where. He’s safely away from danger and demanding updates on the Osborn crazy-man situation. This all takes place simultaneously with the events leading up to the Green Goblin dropping a girl off of a building; Spider-Man trying to talk some sense into the jerk, and the jerk saying stuff like “CIRCLES! LOVE POTION #9…UH, BIOCHEMISTRY! BIOCHEMISTRY! GUUUHHHH! … THREE-MINUTE ALARM! AHHH!! CIRCLES! BIOCHEMISTRY! BO DIDDLEY BO DIDDLEY!”

Fury is trying to arrange for a good old fashioned Lee Harvey Oswald snipe through the noggin’, but MJ is too much in the way to get a clean shot without the bullet ripping through her face as well. Too bad! Oh well, he dropped her over the side. I guess that solves that problem.

NO! SHOOT! SHOOT A BULLET! The Furious Nicholas “Furry” Fury needs this mofo dead now. So he sends a couple of helicopters to start opening fire right at His Gobliness. Just raining bullets on the rooftop of a crowded, urban area. Just accidentally murdering about 400 civilians, probably. The Goblin remainds unphased. A little more perturbed, though.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26

NO! Upside-down and in the rain!! You stupid kids…

On the sidewalk, Spider-Man is making sure his damsel in distress isn’t dead as a doornail. Mary? *slap* Mary? *slap slap* MARY?! *slap punch* CAN’T YA HEAR ME, MARY?! *slap kick punch slap strangle*

She wakes up. All “whuzzah wha, huh, where am I, what’s going on?? huuuurrrrrrr”, and Spider-Man’s just grateful that his sexpot didn’t die. Explosions are happening above them, and Spider-Man urges MJ to get the hell out of dodge ASAP, PDQ, and now! But she wants to stay with him? Why, so she can fight with him. So she can weigh him down while he swings around the city with unbridled glee? Go suck a lemon, sister.

“No, get into a cab and get out of here!” Spider-Man urges, “Go to my house. No, not my house. Go to– go to that abandoned warehouse at Cruz and 3rd!” lmao, go hide out in the comfort of my basement while my Aunt May makes you cookies. WAIT, NEVERMIND! Go squat in a fucking dirty, rat-infested dump instead.

A taxi driver stops by to gawk at Spidey. Taxi Man is instructed to get MJ as far from here as possible. “Done! You da man!” he says, before shoving her in the backseat and driving her to Papua New Guinea. MJ stares at Spider-Man with a look in her eye that suggests that she’d rather eat a plate of poop than be away from Peter Parker. Frankly, I’d take the poop.

Spidey grabs his head and freaks out about how close he came to losing MJ too. Meanwhile, the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicopters continue to try to perforate Greeny. “Fury!! Come face me!!” he cries angrily, inconvenienced by being shot at. Also, Spider-Man punches him right in the face. Catharsis!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26

Ha, speaking of a plate of poop…

The sudden appearance of the Spidered One causes S.H.I.E.L.D. to hold their fire. Goblin’s itching for a fight with Spider-Man! He can taste the victory! Like so many plates of–

Listen, you don’t want to mess with Spider-Man. He’ll do cartwheels all over town while mocking your many insecurities.

CRACK! “You really are a card-carrying, whacked-out-of-your-mind lunatic!!” Spider yells while knocking the MAGA hat right off of the Goblin’s head. SMACK! More blows reigned like it was fuckin’ Festivus. “I won’t let you hurt anyone anymore!!” SMACK! SMACK! Etc.

“Quartermain, what’s going on?” Fury asks his advisor at Floating Building Command Central.
“He’s beating the crap out of him!”

So he is. Fury smiles in a manner that says “oh good, I don’t have to work as hard”.

Goblin is bleeding orange fluid out of his nose as Spider-Man continues to fist up his face. Goblin gets tired of this and wraps his hands around Spidey’s two-inch diameter neck. “kkuukkzz” Spider-Man is known to utter. And then he’s flung halfway across town.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26

Nugh nugh nugh yourself, creep.

Perfect, the Goblin is alone again! OPEN FIRE! Bullets bullets bullets bullets, bullets that don’t work, bullets bullets…

GOBLIN IS GETTING UPSET!

The Flung Spider shoots a web back over the bridge from whence the fight was happening, he loses control, and smacks into the bridge tower. By now, Green Goblin is bounding his way back to his penthouse, and the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicopters are following suit. Damnit! What about meeee?? Now Spider-Man decides he needs to beat him there so that Harry doesn’t get killed or molested or cooked a shitty TV dinner or something.

That shouldn’t be too difficult. The Green Goblin is starting to lose steam, see. Gettin’ all sweaty and tired. Looking like shit, even more so than before. And he really looked like shit. Green is not his color. “Guhhh…the Oz is wearing off…burning…” he clutches his chest. Guhhh indeed.

Greeny hobbles his way to his lab to grab another syringe full of that sweet, sweet serum. Why, just this morning he melted rocks with a spoon and filled about twenty syringes! He’s all set. He… just… needs… to…reach…

Guhhh.

…one.

Foaming at the mouth with orange saliva, looking at the syringe he picked out with hungry, red eyes, he’s about to stick the thing in his neck when SONNY BOY enters the lab. All like “Daaaaaddd, you silly goose you.”

Actually, this goblin scares the bejesus out of him. “Wh– what have you done with my father?” he stammers, looking positively frightened like your standard Peter Parker.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #26

That’s some real nice limboing, son.

Harry’s eyes roll back in his head, positively orgasmic with fear, and collapses on the floor. Norman takes this opportunity to stick himself and re-up his goblin dope. “More! Mmmmore!!” he pants, like Elon Musk injecting his balls with fentanyl. He sticks another syringe in his neck and really starts going Super Saiyan. I think I’m using the right term. Getting all big and mean, right? If what I’m super sayin’ is wrong, please feel free to not tell me ever.

“I hope you don’t think I’m going to let you drive home like that,” pipes in a voice off-panel. Now who could that be? Jessica Jones? The Flash? Jeff Buckley?

SPIDER-MAN??? Bleh.

Spidey assumes a menacing, stringy pose and tells Norman that’s going to beat him up. And he kinda does at first. WRAMM! CHOKK! Good fist-hitting-jaw sounds. Let me try some! PIFFT! GURRB! HORK! MOO!

But then Goblin Man grabs Spidey’s leg and throws the kid through a window, shredding his costume. Looks like MJ’s going to have to pull out that sewing machine again. Face exposed, Parker starts crying. Or maybe it’s just water? Or maybe it’s tears!

Goblin grabs him by the head and starts squeezing his neck again. Harry wakes up and sees his father’s crazed double-boosted form!

Norman looks way more horny. In that, he has larger horns now.

Final Thoughts

This goblin stuff is cray-cray. Parker’s going to have to do something drastic, like put some Ex-Lax in Norman’s coffee so that he poops himself and then kills himself out of shame, maybe.

CIRCLES!


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East of West, Issue #24 – “The Legion Brings Word”

* Part 9 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #24 – “The Legion Brings Word”! In the previous installment, Archibald is quite unhappy with the efforts of a hired Japanese crime syndicate tasked with assassinating Xiaolian Mao. This causes Japanese crime syndicate crime boss to die of a crime. A murder crime courtesy of the Conferacy’s chief Crime Man: Andrew Archibald “Crime” Chamberlain.

We see the backstory of John Freeman 8 and Wolf rasslin’ in the good old days. In the present, Freeman allows Lux to take a pyramid full of money back to the Union. Then he tells a rather shaken Vizier that he intends to usurp the throne of the Kingdom (i.e. kill Daddy), take over the world, and make her Queen of the Shitty Dying Earth.

Things are heating up in Apocalypse Year Two and we’ve barely even seen any apocalyptic shit! And that’s fine with me. The politics are way more interesting.

East of West, Issue #24 [January, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Legion Brings Word”

East of West, Issue #24

Gross, what an unappealing cover. Ezra Orion’s lumpy, fucked up physical presence. He was supposed to die after cramming his throat full of paper and getting dragged into a demon’s mouth, but no. This smelly, veiny mound is still here. It’s really a crying shame.

Orion is ferociously dragging a tattoo machine over someone’s skin. I don’t know whose. “There’s an art to persuasion,” he grits his teeth, eyes bugging out, “especially when persuading those who are blind to a right and proper path…”

He mumbles about choosing words carefully. He is Prophet Orion now. Or always has been? This guy has a lot of nerve, throwing his dick around like King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

His giant, toothy demon buddy, and yes they are friends now, interrupts his ravings. “Rrrrarrrr. Apologiesss, Orion… But trying too hard isss never a good look,” he hisses like one of those talking poet eyeballs, kindly suggesting that he chooses his words even more carefully. Some of these words are little too, shall we say, aggressive? “Sssubtlety, I sssay. Alwaysss and ally in the doomsssaying.

Orion snaps at him, tells him to keep his opinions to himself. ORION’s the prophet, not YOU, you weird Hell thing. Then he tells his screaming tattoo victim, who is splayed out face down and hanging from his limbs in shackles and chains, to cork it. He looks like a sideburns kinda guy from the Confederacy. He’s not having a very cool time while Orion is using his back as parchment paper for his scrawlings.

East of West, Issue #24

I’m gonna stick this sword where the sun don’t shine. You’re gonna be a true hero!

This Daniel guy is begging for his life, sweating profusely while Orion freaks him out with emotionless and detached religious nut buffoonery. “After today, you get to walk through life with the luxury of knowing that you are not like all the others.”

Then he flays his back with the sword. If I didn’t know any better, and I don’t, I’d say that was quite painful. But what do I know?

“You are a man of achievement. A fulfiller of destiny. You have done what you were born to do. Take pride in that,” Orion says while rolling up his back skin like a scroll.

Daniel tells this bald fuck to stop, but he will not stop. He will never stop. It is not in his nature to stop. He will keep going. And maybe you will learn to like it when Orion keeps going! “That pain is an honor you have earned.” He just keeps saying stuff like that! Over and over! What a card!

No. Daniel wants it to stop! STOP IT. What the hell dude? Not cool.

Fine. “Do you see? I offered a gift, but all these people really want is convenience. No wonder God has forsaken this soft land. Go on, Buer…”

East of West, Issue #24

Nice to meet ya, I’m Mork from Ork. Nanu nanu.

Buer is the name of the demon! How cute. Buer chomps Daniel in one bite from neck to thighs, raining blood all over the dang room.

Ezra Orion, he has earned the pain! He says so himself, AND he wrote his words and Buer can’t tell him to change any of them and they are part of the Message and there are seven words and you can’t say them on television per George Carlin! These words are different, though. These words are for the Chosen! Oh boy!

So round them up, Buer my good chum. Think you can do that? Fetch, Boy, fetch!

“Within me there are many fallen… Hunters, seekers… All of which, my minions.”

Looks like Buer forgot to hiss a few of his S’s there. While he speaks, he doubles over like he’s going to blow a giant shit behind him. Something struggles to rip itself from within Buer out of his back, kinda like a reverse Alien situation. BURSTING FORTH AND OUT, we see a group of bloody, screeching, demon pterodactyl creatures. There are six of them. Each one grabs a scroll made out of human back flesh, each one containing words inked in by Ezra Orion the Smelly Prophet himself!

He instructs them to fly away to deliver the scrolls to each of Chosen. There will be one last gathering of “the faithful”.

So,n’lo, the creepy demon carrier pigeons find their way to the insufferable Chosen ones. A veritable montage is displayed over a few pages of each of them – LeVay, Freeman, Archibald, Mao, and… the Horsemen? – receiving a scroll. LeVay feeds hers a scrap of food. Mao shoots hers down with a bow and arrow.

East of West, Issue #24

Awww, how cute. Like a puppy dog ready to claw my face off.

Orion’s words are as follows:

“I devoured the three-fold Message at the fall of Armistice and became the Living Word. Apocrypha made flesh. And with my rebirth, the true believers of the end times were no longer beholden to the static and undecipherable Old Word, but liberated by the New… By me, for I am true providence. My every utterance, constructed – composed – for the ears that hear them. Each Message I sent…unique…to be witnessed by their eyes only. We have all cast off our old skins and put on our new ones. The true Chosen have revealed themselves… Both who have long believed… And those who have not. Now… I call them home.”

Throw that shit in the garbage. This windbag can keep his awful Word. I, for one, am tired of hearing about it.

The Horsemen receive a scroll as well, as I pointed out above with a nicely placed question mark! Their version invites them, as avatars of the end times, to come visit the Chosen to see what fun they’re planning! And Orion loves and forgives them! All is well and namaste.

War calls him a piece of shit as he tears the scroll in half. I’m sorry, a total piece of shit. The whole enchilada of shit. They’re at the Stonehenge-type location where they were reborn as filthy urchin children in Issue #1, and with them is a pea-brained companion named Jed.

Every 10,000 years it’s the same thing. Humanity is useless and stupid so they must be wiped out. It’s actually the fun part about being a Horseman. This time, though, they raise this annoying pup as their own, “teach him to believe and now look… the ape thinks he’s running things”.

East of West, Issue #24

Your little boy is a pain in the ass, Conquest. Why didn’t you let me smother him with a pillow when I had the chance?

The thing that Conquest finds most disappointing is that he/she raised Orion to be less of a wimp. He seems like a big, janky wimp. Oh well. You live 900 trillion years, you learn a thing or two once in a while.

“It’s ready,” says Famine, who is stirring a big cauldron of orange goo like a god-danged stereotypical witch. “I’ve cooked down all the meat we brought with us.”

Jed the pea-brain is instructed to lift the cauldron and dump it in the holes. And so he does.

Each of the three holes from whence the three Horsemen were reborn as little imps are filled up with Famine’s pot of boiling hot, rotten goo. “Damn the high cost of transubstantiation…” War mutters as he/she begins to lower him/herself into the hot hole. Yeah baby.

Jed stands in the middle of the platform as all three Horsemen HUURK and GUURK into their next transformed selves. It looks like the event is particularly hard on War, who seems to be enveloped by fiery, eye socket-tugging tendrils.

In the desert, a couple of crows intercept one of the demon pterodactyls after it drops off a scroll. They tear both its wings off mid-flight and it plummets bloodily to the ground.

“You made me a promise, Wolf…” our favorite sneering monochrome gangster mumbles to his companion, “That you’d be with me ‘til this thing of ours is done. Well… it ain’t done. And you never struck me as a man who went back on his word.”

Wolf glances at his scroll. “I’m not,” he says vaguely, “We are… with you. We just won’t be by your side for a bit.”

Sounds an awful lot like going back on his word, to me! Pretty flimsy stuff. I’ve disowned my whole family for much less.

Death resigns to this, giving Wolf the stink-eye. “How long?”

Wolf doesn’t know.

East of West, Issue #24

Oh no, is widdle Deathy Weathy going to miss his fwwwiennnds?

Death goes as far as his charm and warmth can, but it’s no use. Imagine that! So he kind of begs them to stay quite pitifully, but it’s too late. They’re going. Death feels betrayed. Even hurt. Maybe he wants to kill himself so that, and I quote Oppenheimer, “he am become him”!

“And what about you?” he snaps at Crow, “You got somethin’ you wanna say before you run off too?”

Yes she does. It’s a bunch of spiritual hippie shit. BUT she also tells him that she knows he will find his son, just as she knows that he’ll really fuck up whoever took him in the first place! “When you do, remember these words and the smile on my face as you kill them all.”

Wolf turns into a giant wolf and Crow stays Crow. She rides him off into the sunrise or sunset or even possibly north or south as well. It really doesn’t matter. They left all the same.

Next, and it’s been a while since we’ve seen Bel Solomon and his Hunter buddy, we’re in another part of the desert where the two of them are roasting a scrawny demon pterodactyl on a spit. Ol’ Bel, ever the skeptic. Ol’ Bel who is actually the designated skeptic of the Chosen. He’s skeptical of the scroll. “Do you think it’s a trap? ‘Cause it sure feels like a trap.”

East of West, Issue #24

Show me someone who is triply Chosen and you have yourself a deal.

He pores over the scroll and equivocates. It does seem very sound. Even Cheveyo, Bel’s eternal over-the-shoulder ethereal companion, sees the authenticity of the document. I mean, it’s written with tattoo ink and ripped from some loser’s back. It has to be kinda real.

Bel doesn’t want to, but Cheveyo goads him into doing what he must. He is Chosen, after all. He can’t back out.

His Hunter friend, Thomas, he smells something fishy here. Something’s going on. It sounds like a trap! Did you already say trap? Well, it’s a trap.

“So we shouldn’t go?” Bel asks with this strange look of horror on his face.
“Not sayin’ that at all,” Thomas drawls, “Hell, I’d bet my last dollar everyone we’re lookin’ for will be there.”

“And I just don’t think I could forgive myself if I passed up that kind of opportunity,” he adds, loading up his shotgun.

Final Thoughts

Mass shooting at the old Chosen watering hole. Get out while you still can.


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Calvin and Hobbes – February, 1986

Welcome to February, 1986! Halley’s Comet would come by Earth and almost slam into Mars, shattering it into seventeen trillion pieces! The Soviet Union launches the Mir space station in order to deal with that pesky Halley’s comet! The United States outlaws genocide! Good for them.

And Calvin continues to a little buttheaded pain the keister. At least there’s no genocide involved. Yet!

Calvin and Hobbes - February 4, 1986

February 4, 1986 – Hey, I think I saw that movie! I remember some Judd Nelson full-frontal shots.

There are a lot of really terrible age-inappropriate movies that Calvin wants to see over the years, but there’s nothing with a better title than “The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High”. Not only is it gruesomely graphic for something that was allowed to be printed in the Sunday paper (on a day when people go to CHURCH for Jesusfuck’s sake!), but I love how happy Calvin is just saying the name. Look at his eye in the second panel, it’s almost as if he’s blanketed in the warmth pure concentrated bliss.

He obviously wants to watch the movie to take notes. Mom made a good call here.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 11, 1986

February 11, 1986 – Nice try, buddy. Hobbes will risk his life on his own time.

There’s a not a single instance where Calvin boards his sled or wagon where a real child wouldn’t have died horribly. I think it’s ironic that these adventures always involve philosophical discussions when getting killed would render such philosophical discussions completely irrelevant for the two parties involved. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (no)

Calvin and Hobbes - February 14, 1986

February 14, 1986 – Next time Susie will hit Calvin in the back of the head with a shovel and REALLY prove her love.

Unless I’m mistaken, this is the only time where Calvin and Susie’s mutual fondness was this overt. Usually it’s like “I’m going to impale your butthole with a broom handle” or “You’re an atrocity of a piece of shit who will be alone forever” or “If you come any closer to me you will be President of the Sex Offender Registry”. The fact that this strip from 2/14/1986 exists makes it officially canon that Calvin and Susie would, in fact, bone each other’s brains out the very day puberty hits.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 15, 1986

February 15, 1986 – What six-year-old hasn’t done this?

Calvin’s not making any snow goons yet, but he has always been a very accomplished snowman builder in his own right! I mean, check this shit out right here: In the time it takes for Calvin to walk by, Mom to get suspicious, Mom to head upstairs, and Mom to open the bedroom door, he had already built an entire snowman. That’s, like, ten seconds maximum. That’s fucking respectable is what that is.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 18, 1986

February 18, 1986 – I’m guessing Bill Watterson had even more imaginative heavy metal band names than “Scrambled Debutante” in his back pocket, but the editors wouldn’t let him use anyone. If I had to guess, one of them was “Chainsaw Blowjob”.

I’m trying to guess what kind of music a band named “Scrambled Debutante” would even play. If violence, sex, and drugs are on the table, then I bet Mom or Dad already listens to this kind of shit. Dad goes to hardcore punk bars at 2am wearing denim jackets with straight edge Minor Threat patches and asks for wine coolers.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 23, 1986

February 23, 1986 – Stuff like this is probably why that one lady drove her kids into a lake.

The penultimate panel is worth the price of admission alone on this Sunday strip, not even minding the fact that Mom wants to pop the hood when we can clearly see the muffler falling right off the car in Panel 3. Check it out, Hobbes in the one honking the horn. Calvin is completely scot free on that one, and no jury would ever convict him for it.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 26, 1986

February 26, 1986 – Funding efforts for world domination begins with one quarter.

Dad has such a punchable face. Look at him holding that coin with smug satisfaction. I’ve mentioned this before, but you just know this is exactly how Watterson’s dad treated him too. All like “now son, you will need to spend 19 hours toiling in the talc mines before you can earn your shiny doubloon”. No wonder Watterson murdered his father in 1981.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 28, 1986

February 28, 1986 – A double feature with “The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High”.

I’ve tried this trick before, except I was on the top and my stuffed tiger was on the bottom!

Calvin has really great taste in movies. I bet I’d love the shit out of “Vampire Sorority Babes” because I’m an alpha male who isn’t cucked and I can run 1,000 miles without puffing.

Is February over already? Damn, looks like you’ll have to tune in next time for the worst Calvin and Hobbes feature any blog ever had!


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Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 – “Home”

* Part 6 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 – “Krypton Lives!” In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, a woman named Obsession, who is dressed like Superman, distracts him with overt and constant sexual advances 250 feet in the air while the streets are terrorized by a group of teenage thugs who snorted a demon drug! Obsession dies and the teenage mutant ninja thugs are neutralized and everyone goes home.

In the previous issue of Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Clark takes Lois to Antarctica to see how his Fortress of Solitude and/or robot sentry version of himself is holding up. Both poorly. Lexcorp stole something from the area. There’s a lot of Kryptonian dinosaur fighting. John Henry Irons becomes Metropolis’ newest special crimes unit police officer piece of shit. Hey, on a side note, I’m watching Katy Perry on SNL right now. I was on an airplane back in 2010 and she was on the cover of a SkyMall magazine and I fell in love with her. I’m pretty sure I spent most of the flight fixated on that cover. I was 22 at the time if you must know. Sad stuff.

What? What happened? Where am I?

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 [January, 2000]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Home”

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

God, this cover. Still some of that residual ‘90s era EXTREEEME aesthetic.

Narration catches the audience up with Clark Kent. By that, you would probably think that the narrator explains what he’s been up to lately, but that is not the case. It’s literally explaining Superman, as in the whole PREMISE of Superman. “Behold Clark Kent, at first glance he would appear an average American…”

Yeah, I’m going to skip all that. Clark is grocery shopping and thumping some cantaloupes. He does a lot of ruminating about how ordinary his day has been so far. He starts thinking about flying down to Antarctica to visit his Fortress of Private Jerking Off, but he decides against it. It’s been a calm day, why ruin it again by being attacked by Kryptonian dinosaurs? He has been meaning to check out that new-fangled Sopranos show what been on HBO for a year dadgum it! Maybe he’ll cook Lois some of his famous Meatballs with Bacos and Twizzlers.

The narration gets Twilight Zone-y as Clark turns the key to his apartment. “What if at second glance the average American turns out to be not so average, after all? And what happens when his past catches up with him, destroying his illusions of normalcy?

Eek! Scary stuff!

Clark enters his apartment and it’s swathed in a blue-colored Kryptonian advanced-technology style! He is surprised, befuddled, and constipated about it!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Alexa! Do I have any new notifications?!

“<WELCOME HOME, MASTER KAL-EL,” the robot bloops in green Macintosh Computer font, “HAS YOUR MORNING BEEN PROSPEROUS?>”

Zip the fucking lip, nutsy boltsy. Clark recognizes those less-than and greater-than signs! That’s the Kryptonian language you’re speaking! “My home has been invaded, Kelex,” Clark shouts, angrier than I’ve ever seen him, “CLARK KENT’s home!”. George is getting upset! Referring to himself in the third person! “REPORT! What has happened here?”

“<Kelex now serves the reality, not the illusion, Kal-El,>” pipes in a voice from the doorway. This guy is dressed like a Star Trek authoritarian and he’s bathed in yellow light; from where I do not know. Maybe Clark has a sunroof? On the fourth floor of his 49-story apartment building? “<There is no Clark Kent… that persona is a fantasy. Kal-El, son of Krypton, is a fact.>”

Yeah? Who gives a shit?

This dude is the “Greatest Scientist of the Mighty House of El”, which means he knows how to tie his shoes in less than three minutes. His name is Kem-L, as in Jimmy Kem-L Live!, and he’s here to claim Clark’s soul.

So, long story short, it’s not a normal day after all, is it? Flashback to earlier in his “normal” day, before it was no longer normal. In this normal day, a couple of mean Transformers “slime” Clark with oopy goopy spoopy “optimum flow”. Not in front of the children, ok?

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Oh, you like it.

This stuff covers him and hardens, but that’s good! Because he can flex his big muscles (*flex*) and break it apart!

Here’s what I’ve noticed about Pulitzer Prize winner Mark Schultz’s writing: he likes to make Superman think every single thought out loud in a contrived manner so that the readers can be simultaneously bored and condescended toward. I can’t even find a picture of this guy online, which means he weighs 750 pounds and has been unable to leave his house since the release of Double Stuf Oreos.

“He took the good cradle to the grave in seven seconds! Impressive!” squawks Transformer #1.
“But the elastic resistance of the goop slowed him down,” responds the optimistic Transformer #2, “so let’s try the expando-gaskets.”

So they try the exando-gaskets. It comes in the form of energy rings. Superman continues to think his thoughts in complete sentences in what I call “bad writing”. “Geez! This is something the Toyman might create. The rings keep growing… tangling me up… to keep me off balance…maybe this is a chance to put some of the martial arts skills I’ve learned from Mongul to practical use…”

Sounds good, chief. You got this. I’m gonna go play some Super Mario World.

Superman looks smug. What else you got, you piles of scrap metal and oil and rust?! Well, sir, Plan C is next. THE SONIC-DISCOMBOBULATOR! Hope you don’t like having eardrums anymore.

Transformer #Whatever points his sound gun at Superman and shoots the sound bullets at him, which causes him to stumble backwards in pain! Like this: “W-WHOOOOA-A…!” His super-hearing is becoming super-impaired and he’ll need to get fitted for some super-hearing-aids.

He lands on his face like a nerd.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

MY MONEYMAKER! NOOOOO!!

The sound gun keeps making this squealing “EEEEEEEEE” noise that only Supermen and dogs can hear. He hates it! It’s messing with his chi! He scrambles and hobbles his way forward, attempting to crush the sound gun. He attempts to crush the sound gun. He crushes the sound gun.

Superman makes a dumb face of triumph as the two Transformers open up their Buzz Lightyear head bubbles and reveal themselves to be John Henry Irons and some lady.

“Yeah– auditory disorientation is pretty much across-the-board effective,” smiles Irons with lazy, smug eyes, “and thanks again, Superman, for helping us test the limits of these nonlethal prototypes…you’ve allowed us to gauge some very specific tolerances.”

Once again, a twist! Superman wasn’t being harmed, killed, maimed, folded, spindled, or mutilated! He was part of a plan the whole time!

Irons introduces his niece and assistant Natasha, who stands bowlegged in a lab coat, obviously starstruck. “Uh– Unk…” she says, either referring to her Uncle Johnny Hank Ironsy, or it’s just a gulpy reaction to being three seconds away from speaking to Superman. I’ve been known to utter an UNK in my day.

Superman asks what the fuck Unk Irons is doing in Metropolis. Last he checked his was slumming it up in New Jersey, gambling in Atlantic City and throwing rocks at the Statue of Liberty. Now he’s working for the pigs in town? Why? Well, sir, YOU’RE the reason! Superman inspired Irons to start reevaluating his life, and he’s been doing it ever since. Now his calling is weapons engineering. Don’t that beat all?

Sounds good! No more questions, your honor! Time to skedaddle! NEVER FEAR, UNDERDOG IS HERE! Etc.

Flashback over! That was a long flashback. I hope you got some popcorn while I wrote a War and Peace-length novel about it. We’re back in Clark’s electric blue apartment where Kem-L showed up to give him the business.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

My favorite Sonic the Hedgehog level was Phantom Zone!

Kem-L keeps berating Clark for not speaking Kryptonian, which is apparently just English with <> in between the words! Ha! I already made this joke earlier. But it’s still funny!

Anyway, Clark makes a good point. Kem-L died ten million dead universes ago. Is this some kind of Tupac hologram? Because, if so, it’s way more convincing. Remember when they did the Tupac hologram and everyone cried? Dumb.

“<I am the sum and intentions of Kem-L…>” explains this fake-ass Kem-L, “<…the true Kryptonian man… he who realized the highest aspirations of Great Krypton… the Protector…>”

Too many ellipses… And Clark isn’t fooled anyway. This is a projection of the Eradicator! They already talked about the Eradicator in the previous issue. But it was so convoluted and stupid that I tuned it out, and I will CONTINUE to tune it out. Kam-L tells him that he is not only the creator of the Eradicator, but he is also the recreation of the Eradicator! Tuned out as hell right now.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Oh Eradicator, you silly name-forgetting goose.

There’s a lot of nothing going on here, so I’ll paraphrase: Kam-L is offended that Clark seems to have assimilated too much to Earth and not maintaining his Kryptonian roots. Clark tells Kam-L to get the hell out of his house, and also off of his planet please. Kam-L is like “no” and offers to unbrainwash him back to an untainted Kryptonian well-being. Clark is like “no”, but Kam-L wants to perform the ritual of TORQUASM-VO, a mind-controlling ancient Kryptonian warrior art! Clark says this nonsense: “Torquasm-Vo! The theta state! I was forced to learn that consciousness control discipline in my battle to defeat Dominus.”

This is WAY worse than New 52 Action Comics. You made my shit list, Mark Schultz. You know what that means, don’t you? That means I look up a photo of you and make fun of it… … … … you look like six butts built a nerd out of butts. See, I found a picture of you after all you supreme doofus.

Clark accepts this stupid Orgasm-Ho warrior ritual and they both turn into weird robots and I’m changing the channel on this show.

Oh good, we’re moving on to something else anyway. Back at the Daily Planet, Jimmy Olsen cops to Perry White that he took the photo of Superman with the wedding ring. Don’t flog him, please. And also, who knows how the Daily Star got it? Not his fault!

Ok, and here’s more: yes, Jimmy photoshopped the ring out of the Daily Planet’s photo. Fuckin’ fire him if you need to, he can shine shoes and give handjobs in the subway station.

Perry leans over this kid as if he were a child (which, let’s face it, come on…) and asks why he, of all people, should decide what the public does and does not get to know. So, from now on, go fuck yourself with your photoshop! “The truth is our goal– and our greatest weapon,” Perry frowns, “We discard it at our own risk.”

However, even if it’s their job to present the truth, they can still “bury it at the bottom of page 37”. And that’s for Perry to decide, you little nerd. He’s very disappointed. He’s not going to fire you for some reason, though, so feel free to make more mistakes in future issues.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Yeah yeah, whatever sir. Thank you for not firing me, I still have four payments to make on this leather jacket.

Ugh, we return to our regularly scheduled love-in, aka “Torquasm-Vo”. During the fight, Kem-L keeps stroking Superman about his superhuman abilities that are definitely not Earthy so stop Earthing. And Superman is like “I’m from Earth, hello, and you may call me Clark Kent, thank you”.

OK! Good! We’re on Lois and Jimmy now. They’re attending a United Nations press conference with a panel full of Justice League members! Oh boy! Jimmy gets his camera ready. The floor recognizes Wonder Woman.

“The JLA has called this conference to quell the firestorm of speculation and innuendo aimed at the marital status of one of our own,” Wonder Woman holds up her wedding-ringed finger, “yes, Superman is married… as are all on this stage…”

They all lift their hands with rather smug expressions, if I do say so myself. PLUS, as it is further described, these wedding bands double as signalling devices! You see, this is the year 2000 so no one has iPhones yet. And pagers are wack. So there you go. Anyway, show’s over folks. No questions.

“That was blunt…” Lois reacts while thinking about how she gets to be reamed by one of the Justice League in her own home.

As they walk off stage, Green Lantern finds the absence of Superman odd. Steel (John Henry “Metropolis’ Own Narc Supreme” Irons) also finds it odd. Something’s up and fishy and not right and FISHY and stinks like fish.

This is funny: while Superman and Kem-L are fighting in Clark’s apartment, the downstairs neighbors think he and Lois are loudly fucking! It must have happened before. Anyway, Torquasm-Vo Torquasm-Vo Torquasm-Vo. Superman’s good at it, he shouldn’t be on Earth. Yes he is, thank you, and he should be on Earth. Blah blah blah.

This Eradicator nonsense has got to stop. “Think Clark, something had to carry the Eradicator program here. Something brought it to the apartment…”

AHA! EPIPHANY! Like the last ten minutes of an episode of House, Superman figures out something important that will save the little child with Stevens-Johnson syndrome…

Lois is coming home! She’s already in the hallway leading to the apartment! Clark had better figure out something pretty damn quick here, time’s a-tickin’.

Haha. Nope!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Clark! …where’s my dinner?!

“<Kelex…,” Kem-L breathes and huffs and puffs, looking right at Lois, “…eliminate this non-Kryptonian contamination.>”

This is probably what Lois heard: “SNARF BLARF SNAFF SMAFF.”

Clark begs for Kelex to stop, but Kelex begins to eliminate the very Lois-y non-Kryptonian contamination. Clark shoots it with Cyclops eyeballs and melts the robot just in time. Whew!

“Lois, you didn’t come a moment too soon. Now, think!… Did you bring anything back from the Fortress?”

No! Yes! No! Wait…yes! Wait, no! Yes! Maybe? No! I mean…oh, you mean the solid gold artifact that I happened to steal??

YES, GET THAT! GO GET IT! NOW! GET IT NOW! STOP STANDING THERE AND GO GET IT!

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, where is it? Did I throw it in the garbage? Did I throw it in the toilet? Did I dump it out a window? Did I bury it in the ground? Did I throw it off a bridge? Did I launch it with a catapult? Aha! Found it in my coat!

Clark destroys it! Let’s see if it works… yes! Just in time for the end of the issue! What are the odds? Kem-L is gone. The apartment is returned to its normal state.

Explanation? The object was a “carrier” that “infected” their home with a “Kryptonian nightmare”. I think I have a whole roomful of those in my own house, it would explain why I keep getting killed by aliens. Superman will stop at nothing to destroy the Eradicator.

…and the confrontation will come sooner than he thinks! The Eradicator is starting to descend toward Earth as we speak.

Final Thoughts

SNARF BLARF SNAFF SMAFF


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