Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24 – “Ultimatum”! In the previous installment, Norman Osborn spends a good chunk of the issue’s real estate threatening Peter Parker and making him all sweaty and nervous. Priceless drawings of Parker looking scared out of his mind fill the issue! Good stuff. You love to see it.

MJ continues to become increasingly disconcerted about Gwen Stacy eagerly weaseling her way in between her and Parker, even though he’s a dumb kid who is oblivious to Gwen’s obvious advances.

At the end, Peter Parker gets pulled into a one-on-one with Dr. Bradley, the psychologist, and she’s not who she seems. She knows he’s Spider-Man, she knows about Doctor Octopus, she knows about Green Goblin, and there’s someone invisible in the room with them…

Do you feel that tingle? That’s suspense baby! …or a heart attack. I haven’t relalyl nticbed anlty ;pr8blmemgh othjan 98edmizoxcd zzzZzZZZz

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24 [September, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Ultimatum”

The invisible person has still not been revealed. Parker is gesticulating panickedly and asking who these people are and what they want from him.

IT’S A NICK FURY HOLOGRAM! Or something to that effect. “Calm down, hotshot,” he tells Parker. Nick Fury wears a black leather trench coat over a turtleneck sweater like the suave drink of water that he is. “We have important things to talk about and not much time to do it in.”

He asks Parker if he knows who he is. And if so, does he also know that Fury is in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Parker facepalms and answers both questions in the affirmative, and he probably thinks that his little brain is going to be sniped any second now.

“What are you doing in my high school? How do you know who I am?

WHY SON, do you think the fucking CEO BOSSMAN HEAD HONCHO OF S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to remain ignorant about SPIDER CHILDREN cavorting around THE BIGGEST CITY IN THE COUNTRY? Bitch, please.

He’s also the centerfold in this month’s Playgirl.

Fury turns to Dr. Bradley. “How do we know about Peter exactly?” he asks, clearly having not done his homework before apparrating onto the school grounds.

“Um, let’s see, a bunch of ways. The Osborn Industries security tape, Otto Octavius hypnosis transcripts, the Latverian assault at the U.N. …”

Peter facepalms harder. Can’t get away with anything, can you? Big Brother is always watching! Watching while playing with himself.

Here’s the real skinny: you’re famous in these clandestine government agency circles because a fucking spider bit you and now you do spidery things. That’s not normal, buddy. There’s been a close eye on you, and things are complicated because you’re still a minor and we can’t just drag you in to run experiments on you like a certain someone did with a certain scientist-turned-octopus!

And now since Norman Osborne is horning himself into the mix, it’s getting even more complicated. Time for the talk! Here it goes *ahem* *shuffles notecards* …when a man loves a woman, he puts–

“I-I-I-I would like to see some identification,” Parker stammers all jittery. Nick Fury laughs at that. Yeah right. Like a badge or something? Children…

You want the truth? You want the truth? You want the truth? You want the truth? YOU want the TRUTH… ok, you can handle it. Norman Osborn is going to order you to kill Nick Fury. And if you don’t do it, he’s going to split your dick down the middle and twist it into a pretzel.

And there’s nothing we can do to stop any of it! Heh heh heh…well, so long!

Parker was on his way out of the room, but this new information causes the twerp to do an about-face and listen to what this One-Eyed Jack has to say. “Why would Osborn want to kill you?” he asks, likely as gruff as a fifteen-year-old going through puberty can muster.

Great, thanks for asking this question, Parker. Now Fury gets all long-winded about it, filling my page with endless speech bubbles with tiny text in them. Why would I want to read? If I wanted to read I would pray for literacy.

HERE, I’LL PARAPHRASE IT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU. Norman Osborn’s genetic experiment was originally being created for S.H.I.E.L.D. as a “super soldier” serum. Many companies were competing for S.H.I.E.L.D.’s attention, but Oscorp had the best titties and won the bid. Unfortunately, he actually sucked major ass. After over two years he had absolutely nothing to give them. So S.H.I.E.L.D. said VAMOOSE to this smelly loser. Norman mad, bro. He had to save face, what with all the invested time and money, and marketed his project to the public as a…thing that would revolutionize humanity. But he didn’t have anything yet. So he continued to suck major ass at a faster pace. The spider bite incident motivated him even further, since it was cool that something his company created actually did something! And then he slowly ran off the rails, injected his balls with Oz serum, destroyed his lab, burned down his house, possibly molested his son, and now this!

Sorry, even the paraphrasing was long-winded.

Well, it’s not that easy. First of all, I’d have to get off the couch. Second of all, I’m still reeling from 9/11…

The giant elephant in the room is why the hell this big, powerful, secret government organization needs a 15-year-old to be involved? Are you high, sir? He has geometry homework and a curfew.

Well, son, technically Norman Osborn is off-limits for S.H.I.E.L.D. Don’t ask him why! It’s “complicated”. I guess American governments can’t spy on other Americans on American soil, which is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard a big load of shit plop into a toilet. “It’s against the law,” Fury says, not understanding how government agencies work in this country.

The bottom line is: this visit is only happening so that they could let Parker know that he’s screwed and on his own! Good luck, buddy! Also, by the way, Osborn was trying to recreate the spidery aftereffects of Parker’s situation, and instead he ended up goblinizing himself! Isn’t that funny?? Anyway, again, good luck!

“We can’t touch Osborn until he does something wrong,” Fury explains, as if to a child.“What? He threatened me and my–” Parker sputters, as if to a grown-up.
“Yes. But we technically don’t know that.”
“He killed his wife.”
“We don’t know that.”
“We sure do.”
“Oh, do you have forensic evidence to back that up? Because I don’t–”

Good God, Nick Fury. Why is S.H.I.E.L.D. even around? Sounds like a bunch of useless cops to me, copping around doing nothing helpful ever in the 9000 years that cops have been on this planet.

Parker gets INCREDULOUS! This Norman Osborn guy SUCKS! Lock him up and eat the key, then poop out the key, then throw away the key!

Nick Fury maintains a friendly, patient demeanor. It’s quite condescending. I’d feel condescended toward if I were in Peter Parker’s smelly shoes. It doesn’t matter what Parker thinks or feels or does or says or eats or drinks! S.H.I.E.L.D. is not supposed to be spying on Norman Osborn. ERGO, Sparky, they’re not supposed to know anything that they find out. It’s that simple. Don’t make Nick Fury cut a switch!

Nick Fury has been neutered. Someone should call the feds.

Here’s the plan. Are you listening? Look at me when I’m talking to you, you teenage asshole. You are going to say know when Norman Osborn sidles up next to and whispers into your ear “do me a favor and kill Nick Fury please”. You say no! Stand your ground! Don’t say yes. Do you need to write that down? At that point, Osborn will either engage with you directly right there, or he’ll go after your aunt or girlfriend or whatever. I heard that your uncle is dead? Well, he won’t go after him then! lol. Anyway, the second he threatens you or one of your loved ones, that’s when S.H.I.E.L.D. swoops in to the rescue!… as long as it can be proven, that is. If he does it in a dark closet, then you’re out of luck.

Parker hates this plan, but whatever. Fine.

“And what if you’re not there?” Parker asks grimly.
“We will be there,” Fury responds.
“And what if you’re not? See what I’m saying?” Parker responds back, teeth gritted now in a feral rictus.
“We will be,” Fury responds.

Parker starts flapping his arms like a hyperactive little bird. “You weren’t here at the school that time! You weren’t there when he killed his wife! You weren’t there when he–”

Nick Fury moves on; he doesn’t have time to be argued at with salient, logical points! He tells Parker to keep this stuff on the down-low. Don’t tell anyone anything! People will die faster if he says anything to anybody. See that red-head over there, the one peering through the window, staring directly into your eyes, and making the blowjob motions? Don’t tell her either.

This is the worst day ever! Parker starts storming out again, tells them to leave him the fuck alone. He didn’t ask for any of this! He just wants to be a normal kid! Wait…did you say blowjob motions?

“Peter, optimism is a revolutionary act,” Fury tells him emptily.
“Who told you that? The guy who poked out your eye?” Parker shoots back.

That got a genuine lol from me. Fury stands up quickly with clenched fits, much to Dr. Bradley’s surprise! He walks right over to Parker, gets right up in his face. Parker could lick his nose if he wanted to. “Yes,” Fury sneers with a sneering scowl.

Parker apologizes. Fury’s cool now. The kid leaves and starts walking through the hall like a forlorn lump. He spots Harry and MJ down the hall. He turns around and books it! They look surprised and hurt.

That’s strange. Parker never acts weird and jumpy and nervous and weak and high strung all day, every day, from the moment he was born until the day he’s dead!

This storyline has been one bout of terrifying bad luck after another, hasn’t it? I’m eating it up over here like so much delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. The ice cream flavor with Chance the Rapper’s fuckin’ face on it. Parker is heading to the sanctuary of his home, but he sees a limousine parked outside and he literally shits his pants for the eighteenth time in this series. I’ve been keeping track!

Aunt May has been chatting with whatshername, Norman Osborn’s assistant lady. Ms. Brooke. The Osborns have invited the (alive) Parkers over for dinner in the city! Get your coat, Petey.

Ok, no, screw this. Peter pulls his aunt aside and speaks candidly with her: “I– I don’t want you involved in this– in this– this thing with them… Norman Osborn– he isn’t a nice man, Aunt May. He– he might be a criminal.”
“Really?” she replies, stunned.
“I just– I did some research on him. You know, on the web, and I–”

WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT EARLIER?! Research on the web, is it? In 2002? Ha! OK. Get your coat, Petey.

Nah, Aunt May listens to the little shitbird. “Never met a man with money who hadn’t stepped on someone to get it,” she says to herself out loud, aping an old adage that Uncle Ben used to say from time to time. In between making his famous rice!

May tells Ms. Brooke that they’re not going after all. Ms. Brooke takes it in stride and maybe they’ll see them another time, perhaps. BYE BYE! IT’S SPIDER-MAN TIME!

That’s right, a last hurrah. Ultimate Spider-Man famously ends at Issue #24.

Aunt May is way more important to Parker than cavorting around in red jammies, which he loves to do, don’t get him wrong, but if her life’s in danger then it might be wise to hang it up from here on out…

“And screw that Nick Fury guy!” he yells to himself as he swings this way and that around the city, “My Aunt’s being loaded into that maniac’s limo and where is he?” At home? Jerking himself off? Putting cream on his tender eye socket?? “I’ll run to the cops– I’ll run to the FBI– I’ll pull off my mask and I’ll say or do whatever it takes to get Osborn away from me and my Aunt.”

Spider-Man swings his way to a rooftop where a smiling cloaked goblin awaits smiling and cloaked! “I thought I told you throw that costume away,” Mr. Goblin snarls. “I thought you drowned in the East River,” Spidey retorts.

The Marjorie Taylor Greene Goblin’s fiery eyes light, surely delighting it what’s to come next.

“What did I do to you exactly? Why are you in my life?” Spider-Man asks with puberty-fueled 15-year-old petulance. Goblin Man shouldn’t be mad at him! He brought this upon himself! In fact, Spider-Man is the one who should be mad! It was Osborn’s spider who bit him! “I should sue the crap out of you! What do you think of that?”

Goblin glares with a great gobliny grin. Spider-Man keeps talking. “I don’t want any part of this! I don’t want to be part of whatever it is you’re up to. Do you even know what it is you’re up to? Do you even know why you’re picking on me?”

You’re more twisted than a double helix, I’ll you that one for free!

Here’s Green Goblin’s response: “Circles!! Circles of life. Circles of death. Circles of Hell. Circles of pain. Circles of responsibility.”

Spider-Man has had enough of this sack of bolts and screws. Goblin yammers about responsibility and what Spider-Man owes him. Spider-Man tells Goblin to eat shit and leave him alone. In either order. Goblin repeats his vague, cryptic nonsense and scurries down the side of the building.

At this moment, MJ exits a limo outside of the Osborn building. Harry greets her with smiles and jokes and laughs and japes and merriment and fun and– where’s Peter? Isn’t Peter supposed to be here? Where’s Peter? WHERE’S PETER?!?!? Oh, he should be here soon? Ok. Anyway, I– OH MY GOD!

*snatch*

That’s the sound of the Green Goblin stealing MJ away. Kidnapping, see?

“AAAAAIIIEEEEE!!” she screams.

“No…” Spider-Man barely says.

FINAL THOUGHTS

My favorite thing about Spider-Man, compared to any other superhero that I’ve read about so far, is his tendency to speak to his enemies realistically. It’s all stuff like “you’re being President Jerk from the Federated States of Hell”, and I like that.

Well, that’s not particularly realistic! You know what I mean.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #23 – “Responsible”! In the previous installment, Harry Osborn’s back in town and it’s hella sketchy! Daddy Osborn’s back, too! He’s alive! Everything’s fiiiiiiiiinnnee!! It’s not strange at all!

So Parker gets invited to the Osborn abode, where Harry acts shifty and weird while Parker gets extremely nervous and sweaty.

He’s right to be nervous. Don’t be sweaty, though, that’s gross. Norman Osborn’s been reviewing the footage of Spider-Man kicking the Octopus’ ass for days. Days and days. And he’s tired of this Spider-Man shit. It’s going to stop now, or his name ain’t the Green Goblin.

*turns into the Green Goblin*

See?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #23 [August, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Responsible”

For the first time in 23 issues, I get a large recap page that not only tells me who the characters are, but I also get what amounts to a novel explaining everything in tiny print! It’s like “oh yeah, some of this shit happened so long ago that you have forgotten you were even reading Ultimate Spider-Man instead of, say, L. Ron Hubbard’s Mission: Earth.

Flipping around town in the dead of night like a stringy weasel, Spider-Man finds a sanctuary at the top of a random building. He rips off his mask, hyperventilates, wheezes, and sniffs. “Oh God! What am I going to do?”

Cut to 12 minutes ago, where Norman “Second-Rate Hulk” Osborn leers over Parker with hungry dominance.

“Dad, it’s here!!” Harry Osborn yells through the closed doors. “Be right there, Harry!” yells the Green Goblin back sweetly.

“Aw, poor Harry. Everyone around him has a little secret identity and he has no clue about any of it,” Goblin muses. Parker attempts to scooch back while Marjorie Goblin Green yammers about his ignorant son and his dumb, dead wife. So similar, except Harry’s mother deluded herself with scotch while Harry just needs intense rounds of hypnosis to keep him in a foggy haze! Heh heh! Cool that he’s telling Parker all this. He could just, like, not talk. Superheroes have an easier time thwarting their enemies if they know a lot. Unless they’re not smart, like Captain America, who failed 2nd grade so many times that they decided to just encase him in ice.

That sounds awesome, actually. I need to spend a little one-on-one time with Doctor Warren myself.

“A couple of hypnotic suggestions to go along with the memory repression… and I’m finally getting a son I wouldn’t mind taking out in public,” Green Goblin grins gleefully! He pokes himself with the needle, injecting some of that sweet, sweet goblin juice. “Excuse me…ugh– this is the worst part…” he warns Parker, writhing in pain a bit before crumpling behind his desk.

Parker is quiet and terrified, like a girl just talked to him. He inches over to the desk to take a look, and he finds Norman Osborn awake and sweaty on the floor returned to his normal lumpy human form.

Hate it when that happens! Don’t get old, son! Now where was I? Oh yes. My stupid doorknob of a son doesn’t know that you’re Spider-Man yet. It’s our little secret! “Our bond as men. Our first of many, Peter,” Osborn smiles while Parker silently gapes at the creep. Harry keeps yelling for his dad’s attention, but why would Norman Osborne pay attention to his son now? He never has in the past! Time to give Doctor Warren another call soon.

“From this day forward, now and forever, you belong to me,” Osborn coos at Petrified Parker, “You work for me. You do as I say. And for that you will be rewarded.”

Parker’s a lucky boy! He doesn’t have to fly all the way to one of Jeffrey Epstein’s private islands to be sex trafficked!

So listen to Uncle Norman and do everything he tells you to do, even if it doesn’t make any sense, even if he has to fellate his way through a circus of Norman’s lab lackeys. Because if Parker even hesitates for one nanosecond on any of Norman’s commands, Aunt May will be tortured and killed, MJ will be tortured and killed, Kong will sit on you, and other horrible stuff will happen. He’ll work toward canceling all of Parker’s favorite anime shows. He’ll buy every Xbox in the city so that he can’t have one! And then he might murder him too. Or maybe just beat him within an inch of his life.

It’s just panel after panel of Peter Parker looking scared out of his mind. Delicious.

Does that sound cool, buddy? He’ll break your bones and then break them again after they heal. And then break them again. He’ll do this for the next 160 years. Then he’ll kill you!

OK, good talk!

The thing that Harry said was here is a VHS tape of a Dateline special. Is it about Norman Osborn’s NYC sex trafficking ring? I wish! It’s actually an exposé on Norman Osborn’s mysterious disappearance following a mysterious laboratory blow-em-up and a mysterious fire and, you know, it was all very shrouded in mystery.

It begins with some real admirable Norman Osborn facts. A real innovator in the field of bioengineering! The announcement of Oz, Osborn’s experimental mutagen that…yes of course, created that awful Dr. Oz!…sent Wall Street in a tizzy.

And then a lab exploded and a lot of people died and the supply of Oz disappeared and Norman Osborn disappeared and this fucked up mystery caused a lot of Wall Street panic and then the World Trade Center collapsed and then Chernobyl melted down and then Hiroshima blew up and then the Elon Musk farted and here we are today.

No answers.

No nothing.

UNTIL TONIGHT! BA-DOO-BE-DA-BA-DOOOOO!!!

“Tonight for the first time anywhere Norman Osborn, alive and well, speaks. He has come out of hiding, out of self-made retirement, to speak about the fateful night that destroyed his life.”

Norman watches smugly. Harry watches with awed interest. Parker watches all sweaty and constipated.

The long and short of Norman’s side of it is this: the explosion of his facility was devastating to him. He concludes that his competitor, Justin Hammer, was directly responsible for the explosion and for the death of his wife. And now that Hammer is as dead as a Carradine after a wild evening in Thailand, Norman feels safe to come back out into society with his penis-stroking son of his.

He’s a good friend, Harry. Do you want to invite him to Little St. James?

So all those reports of Dr. Otto Octavius being involved with Hammer’s death? Norman hasn’t spoken to the squishy octopus man at all since the explosion, so he has no idea about his thoughts, motivations, daily flossing habits, or his frequent purchases from many websites of lewd offerings. However, he MUST HAVE come to the same conclusion as Osborn: Hammer was out to destroy their lives.

Without even so much as one word, Parker gets out of there. A fetid, sweaty mess. Again, this was all in the span of twelve minutes and now he probably feels like he’s pooping his stomach right out of his butt.

He slinks home mopey; has to tell Aunt May that his tummy hurts and spending time with his friend Harry was a real lousy-ass time. Aunt May apologizes for making him go in the first place. Parker apologizes for lying to her on Saturday night. She understands. She was a teenager once too. Granted, it was 500 years ago, but she still remembers some of it. Possibly.

He hugs her. She’s taken aback! 15-year-olds don’t hug their aunts! But hey, it’s nice to have her old Peter back. It almost makes up for his involvement in her husband getting murdered!

So, with that crumbling relationship all patched up with scotch tape for now, Parker retires to his untidy basement quarters and contemplates his grim future. As he sits at his desk with his face buried in his hands, MJ calls him up for a booty call. Yeah baby.

“What happened? What’s going on? What happened with Harry? Did you go over there? Was it all weird? Did he say anything about anything?” MJ fires away questions with that wide smile and the devilish glint in her eye.

Parker needs to talk in person, but it’s almost 11pm on a school night. He needs to tell the only person he can trust who also knows he’s Spider-Boy.

Too bad he’s interrupted by a knock on the cellar door. He thinks it’s Harry, but it’s not.

This town is just lousy with pretty blonde teenagers creeping around yards and peering into basements. Release the hounds.

Gwen Stacy is wearing a shirt that says “COLD!” even though she doesn’t look cold. If she was cold then she’d be wearing a shirt that’s longer than her underboob. “Wanna buy some girl scout cookies?” she asks Parker after he opens the doors, “No, then is it ok if I kill myself on your front lawn?”

A woman after Parker’s heart, this one. I just noticed that Peter Parker is wearing a Cartman shirt! That’s worth a screengrab.

You can’t be here, Gwen! Respect my authoritah!

“I’ll call you back,” Park tells MJ against her wishes. She stares at her phone wide-eyed and bewildered.

“Sorry I ruined your phone sex,” Gwen tells him with her back turned, enticing him with her ass. Parker’s wearing boxers. This is not a good time to be 15.

Parker runs up to his Aunt May’s room in a panicky haze.

“Yes, you’re allowed to use the phone, but it’s after ten so–”
“No, I got a– I got a problem.”
“What’s up?”
“There’s– there’s a girl in my basement.”
“A real one?”

Burn!

It had better not be MJ, kiddo, or Aunt May will hang you from the rafters by your own dick. But, no, there’s a girl in his basement who he doesn’t want there. So cool it, old lady. It’s this weird new girl who he barely knows and she apparently ran away from home and she seems suicidal and her ass looks GREAT but he’s not in the mood to really have fun with that right now and it’s been a long fucking day so oh my god can you just intervene?

Aunt May’s a good sport. Even though it’s pushing midnight, she makes eggs for Gwen. Shortly, Captain Stacy shows up at the door. He and May give each other the ol’ “fuck me” eyes before he expresses his gratitude for her briefly taking care of Gwen in these odd circumstances.

And that’s that. Everything is wrapped up in a nice little package with a pretty bow and–

Oh yeah, MJ. Uhhhh…well, Parker is completely honest with her the next day at school. Kid has really grown up in the last 20 issues! I’m proud of my homeboy here.

Yeah, well, there was a little bit of hanky and a little bit of panky to be had.

MJ is still unsettled. Why, of all places, did Gwen show up at his house? And he didn’t bother to call back once Aunt May got involved? What’s up with that shit?

“Listen, I need to tell you something more important than any of this,” Parker says, not reassuring MJ whatsoever, and then he’s about to go into his whole anxiety about how and why he filled his pants with diarrhea while at the Osborn house…and then Gwen pops in from behind to give Parker a giant hug.

“Hey, it’s my own personal superhero,” she gushes, leaping onto his back while MJ recoils. Gwen and Parker chat it up while MJ stands awkward beside the two of them. Gwen thanks Parker effusively and profusely! “Hold on to this one, MJ. Solid gold,” she says, grinning like a baboon. MJ returns her own half-hearted smile.

Gwen leaves. Parker tries to get MJ’s attention again, but the intercom summons Parker to Classroom 222! It’s always something! And Classroom 222 smells.

“I’ll see you after class. I’m not grounded anymore. And I need to tell you something.”

And he bolts. MJ lookin’ butthurt.

Classroom 222 contains Dr. Bradley, the psychiatrist who spoke to the student body after the Green Goblin attack, and she wants to follow-up with him about the Osborns’ return to New York City. She heard he was over at their place last night! From who? Ohhhh, doesn’t matter…anyway, “did Norman Osborn reveal his new abilities to you?” she asks.

For the 50th time in this issue, Parker gets nervous as hell. “Did he threaten you? Did he tell you that he is aware that you are Spider-Man?” Dr. Bradley asks pointedly.

The jig is up. More people know about his secret identity than Parker originally thought. And Dr. Bradley clearly isn’t who she says he is.

“I want to know what’s going on?” Parker yells, thrashing like a spaz.
“Do you want to take it from here, sir?” Dr. Bradley says to someone…or something…else in the room. Something invisible. In front of Parker’s eyes, the room swirls as another entity present in the room makes him or herself known.

“Get outta town…” Parker breathes to himself.

Final Thoughts

What a cliffhanger! Is it Gary Busey? Jermaine Jackson? Rupert Grint? Tila Tequila? Andy Rooney? Wild Bill Hickok?

WE’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE, WON’T WE?

…

Kirsten Dunst? James Franco?