Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574 – “Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

* Part 5 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574 – “Something Borrowed, Something Blue”! In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Mongul is a big, scary guy from another part of the universe who was launched across space by a guy who is even bigger and scarier than Mongul! Superman freaks out because Mongul is pretty big and scary, so this other guy must be something else, man.

Mongul and Superman form a truce and Mongul helps Superman train for a real interstellar rumble for the ages!

Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen got a photo of Superman wearing a wedding ring, but he decides to Photoshop that shit out to not jeopardize whomever he might be married to. However, the newspaper ran a story about Superman’s wedding ring! Surprise!

And now for something completely different:

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574 [January, 2000]
Written by: Mark Millar / Stewart Immonen
“Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Who the hell bought this comic in 2000 with that cover? Is that supposed to be Lois Lane, aka Mrs. Superman, aka someone with no powers whatsoever except the power to be a LOOSE CANNON in the newspaper office? Let’s find out immediately!

In an alley, a man wearing the ol’ hat and trench coat get-up, shrouded in the darkness, presents a vial to a group of slack-jawed teenage street toughs. “DMN, gentlemen. A cheap, street-level derivative of the demon drug you might have seen on the television news, pioneered by the monster maker and his cohorts in the evil factory.”

Sure, whatever you say. Demon drug. Television news. Monster maker. Evil factory. Just hand it over so they can crush it into barely-powdery lumps and lodge it up their nasal cavities.

Not so fast, children! This shit won’t get you high or feel good or none of that. It does nothing but turn you into a MONSTER! Boo! And forget everything you know about it. Don’t even buy it, you don’t even want to be around this stuff. He shouldn’t have told you anything about it in the first place. It should go in the trash where it belongs! $50 please.

A pimple face hands the man a rolled up wad of green paper with old syphilis-riddled statesmen on them. “Will this cover it?” the kid squeaks. “You’re a twisted, nasty little child who deserves to die in a cold, lonely place my friend…” the man hisses with his seductively slithery voice, “…and I feel confident we’ll meet again soon.”

This is getting a little too kinky for me. What’s Superman up to right now?

“FEEL THE POWER OF GABRIEL VAN DANIKEN, SUPERMAN!” yells a guy in a metal suit with a terribly unpowerful name. Sigh. Superman’s beating up another nerd again. That’s too kinky, too. Is there no end to it?

Ha! I turn the page and Superman makes fun of his name too. See, he and I are like this! *twists fingers together and shoves them up my butt*

Van Daniken is like, pffft, I’m 35-years-old. Aliases are for children. Aren’t his attempts to poison the town’s water supply enough as it is for you??

“Dude’s got a point,” pipes in smiling, goateed lookie-loo, “I mean, Bonnie and Clyde never had code names and it never stopped them from being criminals.” A SALIENT POINT, sir. Thanks for your input. It’s very respectable for supervillains to go by their god-given names. It shows bravery! It worked for Melvin Van Peebles and it works for this other guy with “Van” in his name.

Superman doesn’t like these gawkers. Better finish this quickly. He punches Milhouse Van Houten and launches him into a tanker truck full of water. It has Woody Woodpecker on it. “Holy geez! Superman just killed the guy!” yells one of America’s finest <40 IQ citizens.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Ugh. Just actually kill a guy once in a while, you pussy.

“Stunts like that must make the little woman proud, huh?” says one of the dudes. They all badger Superman for information about the revelation that he’s a married man. Is it Courteney Cox? High five, bro!

Oh snap, look out! Eddie Van Halen emerges from the tank o’ liquid nitrogen and is ready to settle the score! Ha, relax everyone, this guy is frozen! Liquid nitrogen is -321 degrees. That’s Fahrenheit, my friends. He’s barely even going to be able to get an erection, and furthermore–

CHAKOOM!

It looks like an unknown speedy entity, faster than a speeding whatever, grabbed Van Buren and carried him straight up into the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a helicopter! It’s a Pluto! It’s a lightbulb! It’s a sandwich! It’s a bullhorn! It’s a candle! It’s a blimp! It’s a blump! It’s a bloop!

No! It’s…

A lady dressed like Superman!

(spoiler alert I hope you didn’t already see the cover art ha ha)

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Got that gorgeous Steve Harrington from Stranger Things head of hair.

Uh oh! This isn’t going to end well!

The rubbernecking losers on the street lose their collective shit. Proof positive that Superman is married! Exactly seven seconds after Superman was asked about his marriage! EXCELLENT TIMING! Everyone is satisfied!

Superman flies up to this mysterious flying woman and asks, just exactly please, what her goddamn deal is. Turns out, against all foreseeable odds, she’s an obsessed looney who probably wants to find his real wife and stab her in the face 400 times like a Slender Man appeasement ritual. “Who is she, Superman? Is it Big Barda? Tell me it isn’t one of those anorexic little Teen Titans–” she drills.

Apparently this obsessed woman is literally named Obsession. “Listen to me, Obsession,” Superman says panickedly, “This whole marriage thing has been a terrible misunderstanding.”

“LIAR!” she screams, throwing him down on the rooftop of a nearby highrise.

Where’s this Van Helsing guy at?

Ok, well that was exciting. We go now to the Daily Planet where a riveting conversation is in progress between Lois Lane and a young, blonde, pregnant woman named Lucy. It fails the Bechdel test so fast that it’ll make your head spin.

“That wedding ring finger of yours looks suspiciously bare, Lucy,” says Lois. What a horrible sentence to say to literally anybody. Unwed pregnancy shaming over here. “Jimmy’s the only eligible bachelor in here, but he’s never going to love anyone the way he loves his new digital camera.”

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Wow. Get up off her nuts, dude.

Lucy has a boyfriend named Ron, and it sounds like Ron’s getting kicked to the curb soon. Cool to know that Jimmy Olsen fornicates with his camera, I guess. It sounds like Lois and Lucy are sisters. I didn’t know Lois Lane even had a family. I figured she was produced in a laboratory test tube.

Lucy’s like “shove off, sister, I don’t your nagging. You sound like mom, and she sucks! And you sound like dad too! He also sucks!”

Lois wonders if Lucy’s afraid to tell the folks that her baby might be black. Awkward! That’s not one you want to talk about with grandma at Thanksgiving. Did you know she was involved in the January 6th insurrection? It’s true! She made cookies for everyone.

Anyway, blah blah blah. Family racism, bastard children, Jimmy Olsen camera-fuckin’. This is dull. I also can’t fathom why Lucy and Lois would want to work together at the same company, in the same building. Sounds horrible.

Ron shows up to the cubicle now after spending seventeen hours in the bathroom. “Hey baby,” he coos at Lucy, “how’s the next generation of troupes brewing in that big belly of yours?”

Gross.

Perry White is busy berating an accountant, which I’m starting to pick up on as his primary method of interacting with his employees! HOWEVER, he gives Ron a big ol “Ron m’boy” and asks him to step into his office for some “privacy”. Hubba hubba.

Long story short, Perry’s been busy as a beaver in Beaverton, Oregon (the Beaver State). The Daily Planet’s back up and running, and the internet’s getting popular! Things need to change if they’re going to keep running in the near and far future! Perry needs his best people! So, Ron…if you see anyone good, let him know. Thanks, pal.

Ha. THAT would’ve been a better direction. Instead, he sucks Ron’s dick in the “privacy” of his office and asks him to rejoin the reporting team. It sounds like Ron was the one who broke open the Death of Superman story. It also sounds like Ron doesn’t want to do it! Oh man, if only Perry asked him a few months ago! But it’s too late now, Ron has…cancer. Yes, that’ll do. He has cancer, sir.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

But I tell ya, I sure did love those good old dishonest days. Lex and I did some real dishonest mischief in our time, I’ll tell you that for free.

Perry pretty much begs the guy to take the offer, tells him he’ll dump a load of money on him. He knows Ron’s gonna be a father soon! He’ll start a college fund! He’ll rob a bank! Whatever it takes! I’m desperate for someone who knows how to pound out words on a computer better than that dummy Clark Kent.

Nope! Ron’s doing jerkoffery mission work right now. It probably involves traveling to uncharted islands and trying to teach primitive tribes the word of Jesus before he gets speared in the throat by feral tribal children. Way more fulfilling.

Pfft, Perry has a retort for that. Giving people the honest, unbiased news helps millions. How many people is your shitty missionary helping, Ron? Three? Go fuck yourself.

Lois interrupts this touching moment of “privacy” to let them know that Superman’s currently in a fight. It’s all over the TV. Here’s the kicker! He’s fighting a woman!

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

No one asked you, Archie.

The office scrambles out to the scene. Jimmy has his trusty 900-pound camera with him.

I don’t know exactly what Superman plans to do about all this. He can’t just beat her up and throw her into a liquid nitrogen truck! “This nonsense has gone on long enough, lady. I think you’d better come with me,” Superman says, grabbing Obsession’s wrists from behind in a manner that looks like he’s kind of humping her butt a little bit.

“Oh Superman,” she says, flipping him over and into the side of an apartment building, “it gives me goosebumps when you get all masterful!”

Pretty dumb stuff, ain’t it! At least the art is fun.

While Obsession continues her aggressive flirting, a team of four bad guys BURSTS through the window of a convenience store! Three of them look like colorful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villains. The fourth one looks like a werewolf who has almost turned back into his human form. “Aw, man! What a ripoff!” he cries, “That demon drug hardly lasted ten minutes!”

Well, if it meant you could break into a 7-Eleven and steal the slurpees, mission accomplished. Can’t do that as normal human beings at all.

Jimmy Olsen, who knew Superman was fighting Mrs. Superman, can’t tell who Superman is fighting on the scene when he looks up into the sky. Lois Lane has to tell him it’s Mrs. Superman.

Lois facepalms, and exasperated tells her ginger companion to get closer. We don’t want to miss a great shot, do we? Sigh. Mumble.

Too many things to take photos of at once! Rainbow-colored demons wearing denim! A woman with enormous titties flying around lookin’ like Superman! Another day in Metropolis, right? Do these people even know that fascists are trying to take over America? Don’t they know the midterms are coming up?

Jimmy thinks that these cool, dope, phat new photos will get him back in Perry White’s good graces after he photoshopped out Superman’s wedding ring for the front page! Uh huh, you’re lucky he didn’t club you across the head with his 5 iron (aka penis).

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

No! They might destroy the place and kill everyone and I’ll have to write for a newspaper!

Ron starts panicking once he notices that the three buffoons are cavorting and dancing their way in the direction of his mission home. There are only four cardinal directions, Ron. Chances were one in four. There are a lot of other places and buildings due east.

“What’s the matter with you,” Superman yells and grimaces at his female counterpart, “People are getting hurt down there! I can hear bones breaking!”

Melodramatic much? Sounds like someone is crunching a bag of Bugles to me. Or is your “super hearing” just a big fat lie?

And Mrs. Superman over here, she’s like IT’S SUCH A MAN THING to complain about breaking bones instead of breaking hearts! “I may not be a great conversationalist, and I know I’m a little intense sometimes, but I’d cut my throat to see you smile, Superman.”

Now tell her where she can find his wife so she can murder her and dump her body down a well.

Instead of being like “get away from me forever, you lunatic”, Superman patiently reasons with her while she shocks him with electricity hands. “There are people down there who need me, and if you had an ounce of love in your heart, you’d help me to save them,” he whines and moans. This makes her stop and make a real Tucker Carlson “buhhh” face before agree that it’s a good idea after all.

So they JOIN FORCES to take out whatever the fuck is breaking bones down at street level. Maybe these radical Ninja Turtles dudes are snacking on some children at the mission home? They’d be better off!

And by the time Lois and Jimmy show up to the scene, the two Superduds are already gone. Ron, though, Ron is at the mission home trying to confront the monster brigade with underwear filled with diarrhea. “Get outta here, man, or else I’m gonna…!” he trails off, out of his dang element.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Dude, get out of here before you get snorted.

“We know there’s a pharmacy in here somewhere, homeboy. You show us where the drugs are or we’re gonna snort YOU,” the blue one threatens. Good thing Superman and Super-Not-a-Man show up at that moment to neutralize the threat, although I kind of wanted to see Ron get snorted.

The orange one warns Superman that he’ll report the caped crusader to the Justice League if he so much as lays an unprovoked finger on one of them. Superman finds these fools familiar, but he can’t really place them. Were these that kids that he sold the demon drug to at the beginning of the issue?? A twist!

The yellow one spills the beans about the demon drug while Mrs. Superlady wrings his neck like a soaked sponge. Well, shit, Superman knows all about the demon drug (having sold it to them! Heh heh heh) and knows that they’ll all come down hard. He wants to round them all up before they freak out too much and starting hurting themselves, and Mrs. SuperDuperWoman can handle that business! No problemo, senorita sir!

“Remember, I’ve dealt with the consequences of this drug before,” Superman warns her, “and the user just gets stronger and wilder as they near the end of their high.” Neat! I bet Joe Rogan would be all over that.

Ron’s lifting a chair over his head. He’s serious, man. This is real mahogany, and he will hit you over the head with it by god. Too bad he doesn’t even get a chance; SuperMomHair zaps Mr. Blue Monster with her electricity and he’s probably dead! Superman doesn’t take too kindly to that, but sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. And speaking of eggs, Superman, but you have some fertilizin’ to do if Obsession has her way. *eyebrows*

He’s not dead, it’s ok. Superman’s got his back to Ol’ Bluey, who gets up and brandishes a handful of sharp claws. At least five of them, by my count! “SUPERMAN! GET BACK!” Obsession screams while pushing him out of the way. It’s hard to tell what happens next, exactly, but I suppose Obsession is like a transformer and Mr. Blue is like when you hit a transformer with an axe 50 times. Obsession goes bzzzt.

How very altruistic! She must really love him! Give momma some sugar now. Pucker up, bitch.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

No kidding. This issue is longer than my dick (two inches).

This issue is dragging on. I’m gonna wrap this shit up quick at this point: Superman apprehends the teenage mutant ninja monsters. The press shows up and asks where the fuck Mrs. Superman went. Superman doesn’t kiss and tell, kiddos; he flies away. Jimmy Olsen gets a little too excited about photography and feels sorry for Clark; he missed all the action! Lois looks sad. Lucy and Ron hug it out because Ron’s all kinds of not dead. “All my body parts are in the right places,” he tells her, smooth as butter. But the mission house is destroyed, I guess he’ll have to write for a newspaper now. Obsession died.

An unknown figure looms over the corpses of Mr. Blue and Mrs. Something-Borrowed-Something-Blue. “DELICIOUS,” it says, deliciously, “Nothing tastes sweeter than a POINTLESS death…and these two were only the appetizer.”

Final Thoughts

Jumping Jesus these Y2K-era comics are long. New 52’s got the right idea, there are about four words per page and stories are over like this!: *snaps fingers* *breaks bones*

Looks like the only loose thread between these stories right now is WHO IS SUPERMAN MARRIED TO?? It’s Lois Lane, you numbskulls! What a bunch of pea-brains.


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East of West, Issue #23 – “A Son of the Kingdom”

* Part 8 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #23 – “A Son of the Kingdom”! In the previous installment, which was almost completely wordless, an assassin crew hired by Archibald infiltrates Xiaolian Mao’s private bathhouse and unsuccessfully attempts to kill her. She spends most of the issue wasting these guys in the nude, and artist Nick Dragotta jacked off a whole lot while he drew all those panels.

In the only panel with dialogue, Archibald comments, once his top man sends a message reading “FAILURE”, that this is really going to kill his buzz.

I like seeing more of the political chess game from the nation heads than the goings-on with the harbinger Horsey Men of the Apocalypse and the little Asperger’s kid with the balloon. Based on the cover it looks like we’ll be seeing more of the Freemans and New Orleans. Here we go.

East of West, Issue #23 [December, 2015]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“A Son of the Kingdom”

East of West, Issue #23

“One bad lie and the whole web unravels.”

Yeah? This whole series has been one bad lie after another. That must be the point.

The bleak Black Towers overlook the sprawling metropolis of the land of The-South-Never-Lost. “Normally, I don’t like to tell tales of days gone by… especially when those days are my own…” Archibald ruminates, if I may, bereft of that usual chipper arrogance I’ve been accustomed to. Well, he still lays it on thick for his captive audience, trying his best to blatantly slather his words with bitterness as he slouches in his chair, face a wee bit sallow, cheeks sunken in, brow furrowed. The guy looks like dog shit.

“The failure of our courier in regards to the delivery of a certain package to a certain Provence with the PRA is a true embarrassment…” says Archibald’s captive audience: a man dressed like a Miami Vice mafia boss. He crushes the digital message of “FAILURE” into blocky red pixels.

Before this crime man can continue, Archibald interrupts by verbosely asking him if he would like a drink. “To quench your thirst and allow me just a moment more to finish my story. The point of which I have not yet made.”

Fine, whatever. Keep telling your story, prick.

East of West, Issue #23

Finely powdered, chopped-off dick, as all Spiders are.

Anyway, he does not normally tell tales of days gone by. Especially when those days are his own. We hit that already, no? Well, Archibald’s reasoning is because it “dates the teller” of these stories. And Archibald is already dated to high Heaven! “Nostalgia is a poor garnishment. It’s fingering a weakness. It makes one look old, and I find that… unseemly. As age, you see, implies frailty, and worse than that a kind of pervasive fatigue. It makes people like you think people like me might not last.”

This isn’t a very good story at all! First of all, I see Archibald having the upper hand over the Miami Vice Don (Johnson) and, while I’m always QUITE CHARMED by Archibald’s silver tongue, what’s this crime boss afraid of? A guy who DIDN’T get the services he paid for? Pffft. Second of all, I don’t see a real point to this story other than making up for the lack of words in Issue #22!

Archibald starts talking about something called the Wheat War, and I can’t imagine a more boring thing to wage war over. Wheat? Go fuck youself, that is the WORST flavor of Chex. Before the Confederacy made prosperous trade deals with other lands, Archibald had smuggled in bootleg materials for the good of his nation (less that and more for the good of himself, of course)… behind his father’s back. It didn’t work, he had to answer to his father. His father was quite displeased. “Son,” his father had said, “when you set out to accomplish anything involving risk, you must always have one of two things prepared…”

“…an acceptable justification, or a plan to clean your shit up.”

East of West, Issue #23

Good question, sir. Allow me to direct your attention back to this 16’ x 16’ diagram showing Xiaolian Mao’s very naked feats of agility.

Wise words. Archibald didn’t have either prepared, the little snot nose, so his father whipped his ass ruddy. Just beat him with a belt within an inch of his life. We’re talking near death experiences, astral plane transcendences, diabetic comas, autoerotic asphyxiations, and three ghosts on Christmas Eve.

In short, why the FUCK is Xiaolian still alive? Give Archibald an acceptable justification! Clean your shit up! Get him your belt!

“It’s complicated,” Mr. Takashi responds, deflecting with ballsy stoicism. Archibald, equally stoic, asks the man to elaborate. The elaboration amounts to “we went over every single aspect of the plan with a fine-tooth comb, except for one measly little detail.”

“The willingness of her subjects to sacrifice themselves for her.”

Bullshit. But hey, good enough for now. right?. Mr. Takashi promises Archibald that their syndicate does not fail to complete any assigned task. Next time she won’t be so lucky! Heh heh. Right? Second chance, please.

“Well… that wasn’t the deal,” Archibald looks on with cold determination, “And it’s just now what my father would call an acceptable justification.”

He directs his Chief of Staff, his niece Constance, to lay out the situation for Mr. Takashi:

Archibald’s business partners in Imperial Japan are currently cleaning his shit up. The syndicate has been smoothly eradicated. All connections between it and the Confederacy have been erased.

“Leaving just one thing to tidy up,” Archibald points out.

East of West, Issue #23

Well, this doesn’t appear to be very tidy at all.

Takashi collapses on the floor.

“So… moving on,” Constance says professionally, checking her agenda, “I’ve cleared your calendar for the next two days. As, according to this thing you gave me, it appears you’ve been… summoned.”

Sounds good! Pack a bag, niecy, we’re going on a trip to the Chosen Land! And by that I mean we’re going to go talk to the really annoying members of that stupid club I’m part of.”

“Fear not. Dead men do not lie.”

An aircraft shaped like an X that is even more X-ier looking than an X-wing starfighter flies through the sky X-ily to a pyramid in the Kingdom. The pyramid is named “Guild Depository 5” and it’s split into three sections. Kind of like a food pyramid if you removed the sections of meat and dairy. And I will NOT, so don’t even talk about that anymore!

John Freeman Numero Ocho disembarks from his craft, right where X marked the spot, and gets stopped immediately by a talking sentry camera. “Identify,” it demands.

Freeman tells the thing to eat shit and the sentry lets him through. He instructs the computer to shut down all the recording devices, which the sentry happily obliges.

“It’s disarmed,” he speaks into a sweet 2065 Apple Watch, “You can approach.”

A blocky ship enters the area, the same one Lux flew to meet with the Endless Nation. There are no blocky ships on this planet that won’t contain Doma Lux! She is surrounded by Union mercenaries. Freeman recognizes her, but he does not know her. He wants to speak to LeVay! Give him LeVay! Where are you hiding that twiggy shrew?

East of West, Issue #23

“Chosen”, eh? Nice turn of phrase there, Madame President. You know he can’t resist the C-word.

Ah, that twiggy shrew pops on one of those neat Tupac holograms! She couldn’t be there in person for high-likelihood-of-death reasons! I’m sure Jonathan Freeman 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 would understand.

Freeman scowls and allows it. “Let’s get you people paid,” he says, inviting them through the doorway of his Pyramid Scheme.

The inside of this Guild Depository is some Cave of Wonders shit. Mountains of gold bars and coins. Some in the Kingdom say that financing the Union is a dumb move. HOWEVER, Freeman was able to pull some strings and get the Kingdom’s balance of their current holds, er, adjusted, so to speak. “We’re calling it a rounding error… and it comes out to around three tons.”

Nice. That’s a lot of Scratch & Wins!

“Hope you boys have been working out,” Freeman frowns at the Union mercenaries, “‘cause I’m not lifting a damn thing.”

So, the Union guys punch their clocks and take the next 30 hours loading up the craft. That’s 22 hours of overtime! I think a fucking strike is in order. Especially since, once they’re all loaded up, both Freeman and Lux gun down every last one with shotguns and pistols. Talk about treating the companions in accordance with such a trust, eh?

Freeman lets Lux board the craft and fly off with a cargo so heavy that she should honestly be crashing back down and pounding a 45-mile deep crater into the Earth four seconds after liftoff.

“You can come out now,” Freeman eyeballs the side of the pyramid, “I know you’re there.”
“If you knew I was here, why did you just go through with that?” a woman says, stepping out into view, “Whatever that was.”
“Why don’t you tell me what it looked like, Sharra?”

The Vizier is visibly upset. Vizierbly upset! It looks like a little boy not listening to his fat sack of a king father! But that can’t be it, can it? That would be downright idiotic if it were true. Just the stupidest thing to happen in this country since that one presidency from about 50 years ago.

Darn tootin’. Fuck the king, he smells like Pringles. Freeman wanted to show the King’s Vizier to show her who he really was, because all this time she seemed to have been in denial. Maybe be a little better at your job where you’re supposed to, like, notice details?

East of West, Issue #23

Take it to the king anyway! And here, give this to him while you’re at it! *presents a 30-pound bag of shit with a dollar sign on it*

Hey, if it’s any consolation, Freeman is glad that you decided to do this! That means you busted out through the confines of your job description! That means you care enough to give Pops a couple of middle fingers! That means we’ll be makin’ stains in the marital bed soon enough, yo! Doesn’t that sound like some of that good shit?

“That’s what this is about? You’re planning to overthrow the King? Aren’t you?” Sharra asks, eyes boggling out of their sockets. Overthrow the King? Elvis is dead, baby. Even those conspiracy theorists have to admit that by now. The dude would be 130 years old.

Freeman admits that, yes, he’s going to, heh heh, what was that? Overthrow the King? Yeah. Overthrow him right off a cliff.

Then do more.

East of West, Issue #23

Not so tough now are ya?? Blow my house down, will you?? You blow me I’ll blow you back!

Speaking of wrestling wolves, I’ve got a segue for you! We flashback to John Freeman 8’s good old days under Wolf’s wing. Wolf, as you may recall, is that white guy. You know the one. The Endless Nation white guy? You know the one. Death’s buddy.

Freeman tackles the wolf, and the wolf licks him on the face. “Uh-huh. But you shouldn’t bite off more than you can chew, John,” says the wolf, who slowly turns back into a nude wolf-like man. John Freeman took a lickin’, that’s for sure.

“I’m really gonna miss you,” Freeman tells his Wolf buddy.
“Yeah. I’m gonna miss you too.”

Endless Nation Pops sent someone to pick him up from Endless Nation Land. “I barely even remember the Kingdom,” Freeman says vaguely, lying on the grass and looking up at the sky. A crow lands on Wolf’s head. “What’s with the bird?” Freeman asks. “I dunno,” Wolf responds, “She just showed up the other day. Won’t leave. She likes me too much.”

Freeman doesn’t want to leave. But he must. For reasons. Something about Chosen and the Armistice and oh god make it all stop. And they’ll see each other again, of course, Freeman and Wolf. Maybe. It’s probably somewhere in the Message. On page fifty.

“I guess I’ll see you than, Wolf,” Freeman says, shaking hands.
“To the end of days, Brother,” Wolf says, also shaking hands.

Quite a coincidence that they were both shaking hands, wouldn’t you say?

Back at John Freeman’s Big Pyramid Scheme Adventure, Sharra wants to know what he means by the “then do more” part. What more could possibly be after usurping the throne of the Kingdom? Why, you silly goose, Freeman wants to usurp the throne of the whole world, you see! Gotta think big!

No! No no no! What the fuck, dude? Why are you bring me into this?! Me! Sharra! The Vizier! Loyal to the current throne, not some future throne! Cockamamie!

He asks her if she knows he has a brother. She’s like, no shit, you have a million brothers. Your dad fucks, remember? He’s like, no, those guys are the worst, I meant a real brother. Someone I actually like and wrestle nudely with. Heh heh, ok, stop looking at me like that…

Anyway, yeah, he’s a great guy. And now he’s, so to speak, lost. Once was blind, but now STILL blind. Here’s something else, Toots: he and Freeman are working toward something BIG with, like, a mustache guy and a beard guy and a woman with steel hands and a bald jerk and some other people they can’t remember at the moment. But, more than anything, Freeman is tired of not having what he wants.

And he wants the world. He wants to stop keeping secrets. He wants the Vizier. He wants her to be his queen. And he wants to tap that. Hard.

She responds with surprise. And then sadness.

East of West, Issue #23

Not anymore, creep.

And he wants to show her who he really is.

And, yeah, it’s gonna be something really shitty.

Final Thoughts

I’m looking forward to the showdown between Archibald and Freeman, where one pulls out a gun and the other talks incessantly and… yeah, never mind.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24 – “Ultimatum”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Legacy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24 – “Ultimatum”! In the previous installment, Norman Osborn spends a good chunk of the issue’s real estate threatening Peter Parker and making him all sweaty and nervous. Priceless drawings of Parker looking scared out of his mind fill the issue! Good stuff. You love to see it.

MJ continues to become increasingly disconcerted about Gwen Stacy eagerly weaseling her way in between her and Parker, even though he’s a dumb kid who is oblivious to Gwen’s obvious advances.

At the end, Peter Parker gets pulled into a one-on-one with Dr. Bradley, the psychologist, and she’s not who she seems. She knows he’s Spider-Man, she knows about Doctor Octopus, she knows about Green Goblin, and there’s someone invisible in the room with them…

Do you feel that tingle? That’s suspense baby! …or a heart attack. I haven’t relalyl nticbed anlty ;pr8blmemgh othjan 98edmizoxcd zzzZzZZZz

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24 [September, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Ultimatum”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

The invisible person has still not been revealed. Parker is gesticulating panickedly and asking who these people are and what they want from him.

IT’S A NICK FURY HOLOGRAM! Or something to that effect. “Calm down, hotshot,” he tells Parker. Nick Fury wears a black leather trench coat over a turtleneck sweater like the suave drink of water that he is. “We have important things to talk about and not much time to do it in.”

He asks Parker if he knows who he is. And if so, does he also know that Fury is in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Parker facepalms and answers both questions in the affirmative, and he probably thinks that his little brain is going to be sniped any second now.

“What are you doing in my high school? How do you know who I am?

WHY SON, do you think the fucking CEO BOSSMAN HEAD HONCHO OF S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to remain ignorant about SPIDER CHILDREN cavorting around THE BIGGEST CITY IN THE COUNTRY? Bitch, please.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

He’s also the centerfold in this month’s Playgirl.

Fury turns to Dr. Bradley. “How do we know about Peter exactly?” he asks, clearly having not done his homework before apparrating onto the school grounds.

“Um, let’s see, a bunch of ways. The Osborn Industries security tape, Otto Octavius hypnosis transcripts, the Latverian assault at the U.N. …”

Peter facepalms harder. Can’t get away with anything, can you? Big Brother is always watching! Watching while playing with himself.

Here’s the real skinny: you’re famous in these clandestine government agency circles because a fucking spider bit you and now you do spidery things. That’s not normal, buddy. There’s been a close eye on you, and things are complicated because you’re still a minor and we can’t just drag you in to run experiments on you like a certain someone did with a certain scientist-turned-octopus!

And now since Norman Osborne is horning himself into the mix, it’s getting even more complicated. Time for the talk! Here it goes *ahem* *shuffles notecards* …when a man loves a woman, he puts–

“I-I-I-I would like to see some identification,” Parker stammers all jittery. Nick Fury laughs at that. Yeah right. Like a badge or something? Children…

You want the truth? You want the truth? You want the truth? You want the truth? YOU want the TRUTH… ok, you can handle it. Norman Osborn is going to order you to kill Nick Fury. And if you don’t do it, he’s going to split your dick down the middle and twist it into a pretzel.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

And there’s nothing we can do to stop any of it! Heh heh heh…well, so long!

Parker was on his way out of the room, but this new information causes the twerp to do an about-face and listen to what this One-Eyed Jack has to say. “Why would Osborn want to kill you?” he asks, likely as gruff as a fifteen-year-old going through puberty can muster.

Great, thanks for asking this question, Parker. Now Fury gets all long-winded about it, filling my page with endless speech bubbles with tiny text in them. Why would I want to read? If I wanted to read I would pray for literacy.

HERE, I’LL PARAPHRASE IT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU. Norman Osborn’s genetic experiment was originally being created for S.H.I.E.L.D. as a “super soldier” serum. Many companies were competing for S.H.I.E.L.D.’s attention, but Oscorp had the best titties and won the bid. Unfortunately, he actually sucked major ass. After over two years he had absolutely nothing to give them. So S.H.I.E.L.D. said VAMOOSE to this smelly loser. Norman mad, bro. He had to save face, what with all the invested time and money, and marketed his project to the public as a…thing that would revolutionize humanity. But he didn’t have anything yet. So he continued to suck major ass at a faster pace. The spider bite incident motivated him even further, since it was cool that something his company created actually did something! And then he slowly ran off the rails, injected his balls with Oz serum, destroyed his lab, burned down his house, possibly molested his son, and now this!

Sorry, even the paraphrasing was long-winded.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

Well, it’s not that easy. First of all, I’d have to get off the couch. Second of all, I’m still reeling from 9/11…

The giant elephant in the room is why the hell this big, powerful, secret government organization needs a 15-year-old to be involved? Are you high, sir? He has geometry homework and a curfew.

Well, son, technically Norman Osborn is off-limits for S.H.I.E.L.D. Don’t ask him why! It’s “complicated”. I guess American governments can’t spy on other Americans on American soil, which is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard a big load of shit plop into a toilet. “It’s against the law,” Fury says, not understanding how government agencies work in this country.

The bottom line is: this visit is only happening so that they could let Parker know that he’s screwed and on his own! Good luck, buddy! Also, by the way, Osborn was trying to recreate the spidery aftereffects of Parker’s situation, and instead he ended up goblinizing himself! Isn’t that funny?? Anyway, again, good luck!

“We can’t touch Osborn until he does something wrong,” Fury explains, as if to a child.“What? He threatened me and my–” Parker sputters, as if to a grown-up.
“Yes. But we technically don’t know that.”
“He killed his wife.”
“We don’t know that.”
“We sure do.”
“Oh, do you have forensic evidence to back that up? Because I don’t–”

Good God, Nick Fury. Why is S.H.I.E.L.D. even around? Sounds like a bunch of useless cops to me, copping around doing nothing helpful ever in the 9000 years that cops have been on this planet.

Parker gets INCREDULOUS! This Norman Osborn guy SUCKS! Lock him up and eat the key, then poop out the key, then throw away the key!

Nick Fury maintains a friendly, patient demeanor. It’s quite condescending. I’d feel condescended toward if I were in Peter Parker’s smelly shoes. It doesn’t matter what Parker thinks or feels or does or says or eats or drinks! S.H.I.E.L.D. is not supposed to be spying on Norman Osborn. ERGO, Sparky, they’re not supposed to know anything that they find out. It’s that simple. Don’t make Nick Fury cut a switch!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

Nick Fury has been neutered. Someone should call the feds.

Here’s the plan. Are you listening? Look at me when I’m talking to you, you teenage asshole. You are going to say know when Norman Osborn sidles up next to and whispers into your ear “do me a favor and kill Nick Fury please”. You say no! Stand your ground! Don’t say yes. Do you need to write that down? At that point, Osborn will either engage with you directly right there, or he’ll go after your aunt or girlfriend or whatever. I heard that your uncle is dead? Well, he won’t go after him then! lol. Anyway, the second he threatens you or one of your loved ones, that’s when S.H.I.E.L.D. swoops in to the rescue!… as long as it can be proven, that is. If he does it in a dark closet, then you’re out of luck.

Parker hates this plan, but whatever. Fine.

“And what if you’re not there?” Parker asks grimly.
“We will be there,” Fury responds.
“And what if you’re not? See what I’m saying?” Parker responds back, teeth gritted now in a feral rictus.
“We will be,” Fury responds.

Parker starts flapping his arms like a hyperactive little bird. “You weren’t here at the school that time! You weren’t there when he killed his wife! You weren’t there when he–”

Nick Fury moves on; he doesn’t have time to be argued at with salient, logical points! He tells Parker to keep this stuff on the down-low. Don’t tell anyone anything! People will die faster if he says anything to anybody. See that red-head over there, the one peering through the window, staring directly into your eyes, and making the blowjob motions? Don’t tell her either.

This is the worst day ever! Parker starts storming out again, tells them to leave him the fuck alone. He didn’t ask for any of this! He just wants to be a normal kid! Wait…did you say blowjob motions?

“Peter, optimism is a revolutionary act,” Fury tells him emptily.
“Who told you that? The guy who poked out your eye?” Parker shoots back.

That got a genuine lol from me. Fury stands up quickly with clenched fits, much to Dr. Bradley’s surprise! He walks right over to Parker, gets right up in his face. Parker could lick his nose if he wanted to. “Yes,” Fury sneers with a sneering scowl.

Parker apologizes. Fury’s cool now. The kid leaves and starts walking through the hall like a forlorn lump. He spots Harry and MJ down the hall. He turns around and books it! They look surprised and hurt.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

That’s strange. Parker never acts weird and jumpy and nervous and weak and high strung all day, every day, from the moment he was born until the day he’s dead!

This storyline has been one bout of terrifying bad luck after another, hasn’t it? I’m eating it up over here like so much delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. The ice cream flavor with Chance the Rapper’s fuckin’ face on it. Parker is heading to the sanctuary of his home, but he sees a limousine parked outside and he literally shits his pants for the eighteenth time in this series. I’ve been keeping track!

Aunt May has been chatting with whatshername, Norman Osborn’s assistant lady. Ms. Brooke. The Osborns have invited the (alive) Parkers over for dinner in the city! Get your coat, Petey.

Ok, no, screw this. Peter pulls his aunt aside and speaks candidly with her: “I– I don’t want you involved in this– in this– this thing with them… Norman Osborn– he isn’t a nice man, Aunt May. He– he might be a criminal.”
“Really?” she replies, stunned.
“I just– I did some research on him. You know, on the web, and I–”

WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT EARLIER?! Research on the web, is it? In 2002? Ha! OK. Get your coat, Petey.

Nah, Aunt May listens to the little shitbird. “Never met a man with money who hadn’t stepped on someone to get it,” she says to herself out loud, aping an old adage that Uncle Ben used to say from time to time. In between making his famous rice!

May tells Ms. Brooke that they’re not going after all. Ms. Brooke takes it in stride and maybe they’ll see them another time, perhaps. BYE BYE! IT’S SPIDER-MAN TIME!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

That’s right, a last hurrah. Ultimate Spider-Man famously ends at Issue #24.

Aunt May is way more important to Parker than cavorting around in red jammies, which he loves to do, don’t get him wrong, but if her life’s in danger then it might be wise to hang it up from here on out…

“And screw that Nick Fury guy!” he yells to himself as he swings this way and that around the city, “My Aunt’s being loaded into that maniac’s limo and where is he?” At home? Jerking himself off? Putting cream on his tender eye socket?? “I’ll run to the cops– I’ll run to the FBI– I’ll pull off my mask and I’ll say or do whatever it takes to get Osborn away from me and my Aunt.”

Spider-Man swings his way to a rooftop where a smiling cloaked goblin awaits smiling and cloaked! “I thought I told you throw that costume away,” Mr. Goblin snarls. “I thought you drowned in the East River,” Spidey retorts.

The Marjorie Taylor Greene Goblin’s fiery eyes light, surely delighting it what’s to come next.

“What did I do to you exactly? Why are you in my life?” Spider-Man asks with puberty-fueled 15-year-old petulance. Goblin Man shouldn’t be mad at him! He brought this upon himself! In fact, Spider-Man is the one who should be mad! It was Osborn’s spider who bit him! “I should sue the crap out of you! What do you think of that?”

Goblin glares with a great gobliny grin. Spider-Man keeps talking. “I don’t want any part of this! I don’t want to be part of whatever it is you’re up to. Do you even know what it is you’re up to? Do you even know why you’re picking on me?”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24

You’re more twisted than a double helix, I’ll you that one for free!

Here’s Green Goblin’s response: “Circles!! Circles of life. Circles of death. Circles of Hell. Circles of pain. Circles of responsibility.”

Spider-Man has had enough of this sack of bolts and screws. Goblin yammers about responsibility and what Spider-Man owes him. Spider-Man tells Goblin to eat shit and leave him alone. In either order. Goblin repeats his vague, cryptic nonsense and scurries down the side of the building.

At this moment, MJ exits a limo outside of the Osborn building. Harry greets her with smiles and jokes and laughs and japes and merriment and fun and– where’s Peter? Isn’t Peter supposed to be here? Where’s Peter? WHERE’S PETER?!?!? Oh, he should be here soon? Ok. Anyway, I– OH MY GOD!

*snatch*

That’s the sound of the Green Goblin stealing MJ away. Kidnapping, see?

“AAAAAIIIEEEEE!!” she screams.

“No…” Spider-Man barely says.

FINAL THOUGHTS

My favorite thing about Spider-Man, compared to any other superhero that I’ve read about so far, is his tendency to speak to his enemies realistically. It’s all stuff like “you’re being President Jerk from the Federated States of Hell”, and I like that.

Well, that’s not particularly realistic! You know what I mean.


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Black Summer, Season 1 – Zombie-Fighting Sad People

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Black Summer, Season 1 (2019) (Netflix)

Black Summer, Season 1
I chose this show on a complete whim. Hot off the heels of American Horror Story, Season 1, I wanted to sink my ugly, putrid teeth into another meaty story of American horror! And instead of traipsing over to Season 2, I settled on Black Summer.

I was scanning through Netflix’s horror TV list. I picked this one because I liked the name. I had no idea what it was about, I didn’t know what to expect, and I obviously didn’t even know that it was a spinoff of Z Nation. Perhaps I’ll watch that one soon as well. I like DJ Qualls! I weigh more than him!

Black Summer, Season 1

Turn up the brightness on your computer and/or laptop and/or cellular smartphone. You can barely even see this dumb screenshot!

The Premise

This is gonna be a very easy and short premise! There’s a zombie apocalypse going on, it’s only about six weeks old, and shit got really fucked up in the country.

The zombies are tough, ruthless, and fast. Dying in any fashion will zombify you within about five seconds, causing you to relentlessly chase down alive people, gnaw on them for a bit, and sate your hunger. Your endurance will skyrocket. It takes about four shotgun bullets to kill you. You’re snarly and mean. You probably pooped your pants too when you died and that might contribute to the irrational anger.

People meet up with one another and form wary friendships and bonds. Each has their own goal, whether it be finding loved ones or finding stable refuge, and the ones that stay alive through the course of the season will do what they need to do to keep pushing forward. And if that means killing bitches and being mean to other bitches, then so be it!

Black Summer, Season 1

We’re just a group of friendly fun people looking to have some friendly fun! :-]

My Half-Baked Thoughts

I guess this was my very first zombie-related anything I’ve ever watched! I’ve been wanting to watch The Walking Dead, I suppose, but I’ve never felt the MANLY URGE to zombie up my current routine. This was a decent start to whatever “zombie journey” task I’m pretty much inventing right now!

The beginning of the show appeared to be more of a suspenseful character study than an actual plot-driven narrative, which I was completely sold on right away. The first couple of episodes show a few of the main characters, at least the beginning main characters, as they attempt to escape their suburban town once the ZOMBIE PANDEMIC wrests hold of it.

Black Summer, Season 1

Nice to meet you. My name is Velez and I promise I’m not going to kill you. Unless you piss me off, of course. Then I can barely make any promises.

You got Rose, the pretty blonde mother whose daughter was taken away for refuge without her.

You got Ryan, the deaf guy who ends up eventually fucking himself over by being deaf.

You got Spears, who isn’t really named “Spears” but he killed a Army soldier named Spears and stole his Army uniform (with Spears written on it so that you know he stole Spears’ identity from Spears).

You got Barbara, a middle-aged woman looking for her husband until she gets launched through a motherfucking car windshield.

You got Lance, a husky stoner guy who stays alive only because he lucks out every single time.

You got Velez, a cool guy who is nice and trying to gain trust and help out.

You got Sun, an ass-kicking Korean woman who barely speaks English.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Black Summer, Season 1

In this scene, Spears has his gun aimed at a group of children! Why, you ask? They stole his Junior Mints.

With only eight 30-ish minute episodes, I was motivated and able to burn through the whole series in a weekend. I enjoyed the first half way more than the second half, and anyone who isn’t a complete dullard would agree with me. Yeah, I’m talking about you, you dullard. The first half is more suspenseful, especially if you didn’t know entirely what to expect from these quick-as-diarrhea zombies, but mostly because, like the characters, you have no idea who to actually trust early on. Would the 90-pound Korean woman crush your head like a flabby little grape?? Would the guy who killed the soldier and stole his stuff go on to kill someone else and steal their stuff?? Would Barbara rise up as a zombie after blunt force trauma to the head and start running around trying to rip out the nearest available jugular vein?? You don’t know! You just don’t know!

There are a few fantastically tense moments early on. Velez, Sun, and Barbara spend an episode in the car slowly gaining trust and getting to know one another while occasionally being attacked and/or being followed and/or having to pull out a bike frame lodged in their wheel well. Velez and Sun are stuck in a diner with another unknown group while zombies circle the building, and they need to work on figuring out what to do and who to throw out the door as bait. HINT: It’s the guy who sucks! My favorite scene in the season is Lance at the fully stocked grocery store. He goes about a shopping routine, completely alone, push-basket and everything, like it’s just another normal day. A moment’s respite from the total insanity.

Black Summer, Season 1

Don’t forget to pick me up some Ben & Jerry’s, Lance. You always forget the Ben & Jerry’s.

The season starts to unravel after the Diner episode. The whole group becomes experts in shooting bullets with guns and they decide to pull a heist for Zombie Jesus knows why. I don’t even remember what they were doing! Were they attempting to steal a stockpile of guns so they can shoot more gun bullets? Why was there a creepy dance party going on? Where are my pants and why do I feel drugged?

At the end of the season they make their way to their destination, “The Stadium”, where Rose catches up with her daughter immediately. As in, she’s the very first person to step out of the concourse. I thought that was kind of dumb!

Black Summer, Season 1

GOOD GUY WITH A GUN AT YOUR SERVICE.

There, that’s enough half-baked thoughts about this. This post, just like the season, had a lot more effort in the first half than the second half!

Worth the Watch?

Sure. It’s fine. Even with almost every bit of my free time dedicated to writing, I was able to polish off this season in three days. You, the lucky individual so much endless free time that you’re actually bored enough right now to read my blog, could finish this in an afternoon.

I will watch Season 2, and I’ve heard good enough things about Z Nation that I’ll likely give that a shot as well.

Seacrest out.


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Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152 – “Deadline U.S.A.”

* Part 4 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152 – “Deadline U.S.A.”!

In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, a sultry seductress named La Encantadora uses her sultry seductress skills to sell fake kryptonite to villains and goad Superman into kicking their asses while she slinks away with their money. It was a very long issue, but I just summed it up in one sentence.

In the previous issue of Superman (Vol. 2), Lois and Clark are married. A sultry seductress named Lex Luthor sold the Daily Planet back and now everything is back to normal! This seems to be the one thread of continuity that links these stories together. It’s revealed that Lois convinced Lex to sell the newspaper back in exchange for ONE story, at any time of Lex’s choosing, to be completely disregarded! If Lex says don’t write about this story, then Lois Lane will not write about this story.

Also some douche named Mongul, or at least the son of the guy named Mongul (and he’s also named Mongul) needs Superman’s help with something. It’s unclear.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152 [January, 2000]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Deadline U.S.A.”

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152

“I’m putting you DOWN, Mongul. NOW!” shouts a very poorly-drawn Superman. He looks like he has 28 extra chromosomes. Even though in the previous issue, which was presumably ten seconds ago in the sequence of events, Mongul just wanted Superman’s help. Now, however, Superman belts him across the jaw. The sound is “BRAX”, and that’s among the worst of the many, many terrible onomatopoeias I’ve come across in my comic book travels!

Superman’s inner monologue muses about “chasing one’s tail”. To his dear old hick farmer father, that would mean running around in circles going nowhere. In the newspaper business, it means finding the end of a story– often before it has even begun.

Funnily enough, in this case the end is the beginning! Isn’t that neat??

Mongul can take this punishment. It’s child’s play for a beefy, puffy Buzz Lightyear-looking individual such as himself! I mean, Superman’s only using one power at a time! What’s up with that? You can’t multitask, you piece of shit? Not very super! You should change your name to RegularMan! Get some ice for that burn.

They fight and punch and shoot searing hot blasts out of their respective orifices. Superman considers this interaction akin to playing with matches. Once the fire starts… well, he doesn’t really finish that thought. …the fire has already started? …the fire needs to be put out? …get out of the kitchen?

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152

Says the guy hitting things with fire with reckless abandon.

Superman keeps punching this fool, hollering like a panting lunatic about not letting another world die. Mongul gets tired of this charade and tells him to cut it out, you silly goose. Superman was about to let loose a REIGN OF BLOWS with his two fat fists, but then stops exactly two millimeters from Mongul’s shoulders.

“I… almost couldn’t stop myself,” Superman says, rather embarrassed, “I… I could have killed you. I could feel it in me. My powers surging–”
“Good.”

WHAT A TWIST! Mongul is training Superman right now in the Grand Canyon! He’s the Giles to Superman’s Buffy! “You may be ready physically, but mentally, you will stop yourself,” Mongul chides at Superman’s inability to fuck anyone up to literal death. Superman don’t play that.

I suppose the beginning of this issue doesn’t take place ten seconds after the end of the previous issue after all. Flashback to the moment that Mongul shows up outside of the Daily Planet building to ask for Superman’s help. All the slack-jawed mouthbreathers are like “wow I thought Mongul was dead” and “get ‘im Superman, hyuk”, but Superman is a benevolent beast and will not harm anyone who asks for aid! Even if they’re stupid-looking or smelly or Tucker Carlson. Sometimes they can be all three at once!

Lois doesn’t want Superman to help Mongul! That’s fucking stupid! “Hello…? His father killed like a billion people, and like the expression goes– ‘like dad, like kid’.” Thank you Lois, that was very articulate. No wonder you’re the best journalist in town.

Superman is advised to knock this guy to the moon, Ralph Kramden-style, but Superman is certainly not going to do that now. BUT, since he is concerned about the safety of all the people around them, he grabs Mongul and flies away with him in a burst of rainbow-colored light.

They have a pleasant heart-to-heart in the sky. “I never trusted your father and there’s little reason to trust you. But I saw something in your eyes,” Superman tells his enemy, leaning in for a kiss, “something…unexpected. You’re afraid of something and that’s why you need my help.”

Ha! Superman’s lucky that Mongul doesn’t POUND A GIANT CRATER IN HIS FACE with his handsome knuckles. Truth be totalled, an entity more powerful than either of them flung this bastard to Earth shortly before destroying his homeworld. Warworld. Great name.

Warworld is supposed to be a big, scary, indestructible powerhouse of planet-destroying weaponry and thousands of IHOP restaurants! And it’s GONE?? Yes! Isn’t that some bullshit?

Mongul tells him to check for himself with his telescope eyeballs. Superman says that he can’t do that with Earth’s atmosphere in the way, gunking up his super-vision. Supervision. Ha, that’s funny.

Mongul says he’s a dirty liar.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152

Are we talking about the kissing again?

This is getting awkward! Let’s break the tension with a little LEX LUTHOR action! He comes storming through the door onto the roof CHEST A-PUFFIN’ and HEAD A-SHININ’ to tell them to knock it off on his property! You crazy kids!

“Who is this speck?” demands Mongul disre-speck-fully!
“I am this city,” says Lex, arms akimbo, looking frumpy, flaccid dick hanging out of his open fly.

Superman is like “hold on a sec” and he flies away, leaving Mongul and Lex alone together. Mongul threatens to strangle Lex with his own poop-filled intestines if he doesn’t leave. Lex doesn’t give a shit.

Superman scours the night sky with his telescope eyeballs. He is unsuccessful.

“Do you have any idea how powerful it would have to be to throw Mongul down to Earth?” Clark asks Lois later in the privacy of their own apartment. Why would Lois know that? Who cares? American Pickers is on in five minutes.

Clark is pacing around on the ceiling like an asshole.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152

There are about fifteen jokes you can make out of this panel. Can you spot them all??

Some internal monologue from Lois peppers these panels. She’s trying to psychoanalyze her alien husband. This is the part where she knows that he’s going to take Mongul up on his offer to help train him. This was spoiled at the beginning of the issue, but the important part here is that Lois KNOWS him. She UNDERSTANDS him! THEY WERE MADE FOR ONE ANOTHER!

Etc.

Lois is unnerved because this must really indicate that there’s something terrifying out there in big, dark universe. Something big enough to just throw a guy to another planet! Like this: *fling*

Clark had a point with his question, surprisingly. HE has hit somebody as hard as he could. Just once. He remembers it well. It was his dad and he punched that melon head clean off his body! Ha! Take that, pops! Be a supportive and kind father, will you? Hard to do that now with a neck stump, you loser.

Oh snap, I was only joking before moving onto the next page, but the story literally involves his dad! Jon is milking a cow, just tuggin’ on those udders. A young Clark, perhaps 12-years-old, approaches and asks him to teach him how to fight. There’s a big mean bully at school and he doesn’t want to bend over and take it anymore!

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152

Good! Now go to your room and jerk yourself with it you little scamp.

So Jon teaches him how to throw a punch, and he advises him to go for the face. Just punch him right in the kisser, son. As hard as you can! You’ll make your point, he’ll back off, and you’ll walk away.

Now, I totally expected to see Clark just cave this kid’s face in. Hitting him so hard that it pushes his broken teeth through the back of his head. But he just breaks his nose, which even a normal kid could do. So that’s disappointing. Clark looks at his own knuckles with unsettled surprise. His friend asks Clark to punch the bully again! The one who’s already down on the ground clutching his face. Kick him too while you’re at it. And then poop on him.

So yeah, that’s the story! He still feels bad about it all these years later, but hey. Daddy knows best, right? He hasn’t given his full strength behind a punch since out of fear of killing someone (although at least one person per issue deserves it).

This outpouring of vulnerability leads to Lois kissing him upside-down, which predates the iconic Spider-Man upside-down kiss by two years. Someone should sue somebody.

All right, next scene! Jimmy Freckle-Face Olsen is pulling an all-nighter at the office trying to crop his photos correctly. Sounds like a job for MSPaint! They had that in the year 2000 and it was immaculate! He tells Lois to come on over and look at something on the screen. It’s a photo of Superman and Mongul holding hands, and Superman has a wedding ring on! A wedding ring! He’s married! To a person!

Lois stares at the screen in disbelief. Why the fuck is he wearing that thing as Superman? Are you kidding? And now Jimmy Olsen is going to run with this story? Fantastic. This twerp got lucky.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152

I will smack your little butt ruddy, young man!

BUT, good ol’ moral Jimmy Olsen, he’s afraid that this might out Superman as having a personal connection that someone could exploit. He doesn’t want to put anyone in danger. Maybe his spouse isn’t Super! That would be bad. However, uugghh, all the other photos really stink and THIS ONE is the best one! Hmmm, perhaps he could just Photoshop the ring out of the picture, putting his career in jeopardy by tampering with photos and especially for having Photoshop installed on his work computer without IT’s permission! Maybe.

Jimmy deliberates, but he takes too long. Perry White BURSTS into the room like Angry Kramer and tells the kid that there are deadlines to consider! This ain’t the newspaper in Toad Suck, Arkansas, son! This is the real deal! Shake a leg!

He decides to edit out the ring, musing on the notion that he’s helping Superman. Good work, lad. I’m sure he really appreciates that. *jerkoff motion*

Lois does a lot more soliloquy blah blah blab blab blaaahhhb. She wants to confront Clark about the wedding ring situation, as if that was important at all. If I were Clark, I’d just chuck the thing in the trash. BYE BYE! You won’t have to worry about it anymore, Lois!

But then she’s like “sure, it’s important to help save the universe and everything, but muh marriage…”

Meanwhile, Mongul and Superman are wrestling and hugging underwater amongst the fishies and the octopussies. The struggle looks real. Aquaman HIMSELF gallivants through on his majestic seahorse. “Need any help?” he asks, looking simultaneously uninterested in actually helping and unable to help whatsoever even if he wanted to.

“I’ve got it under control, Aquaman. Mongul is helping me increase my lung capacity…” Superman blubs and sputters. Aquaman raises an eyebrow. Really? Mongul? Helping you? The mean dude over there? He frowns under his blonde pornstache. “If you say so.”

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #152

…ok…blink twice if you’re in trouble. That’s too fast, blink slower. No, too slow. Ugh, forget it.

A lightbulb goes off in Superman’s head. There is something Aquaman can do for him after all! Please, do him a favor and kindly go fuck yourself! Ha!

The next morning, Lois and Jimmy peer at the front page of their cute little newspaper. “STRANGE BEDFELLOWS” reads the headline, showing Jimmy’s photo of Superman and Mongul holding hands. Jimmy prides himself on being able to edit out the wedding ring so seamlessly that even HE doesn’t even know it was there and HE was the one who edited it out!

“OLSEN! Get in here!” screams the emotionally abusive, purple-faced boss man.
“Just a tip, Jim. Don’t bet against Perry as to whether or not he can tell,” Lois advises.

GULP! GULP!

Jimmy enters his boss’ office. He thinks he’s going to get totally reamed for tampering with the photo, but he’s not even close!

While the Daily Planet is running some stupid puff piece about Puffy Mongul and Puffy Superman hugging, the Daily Star ran a story about Superman’s wedding ring! “WHO IS MRS. SUPERMAN?” screams the very loud, ear-shattering headline.

“Explain to me how we missed the biggest story of the year?!” Perry bellows, having a heart-attack.

GULP!

Final Thoughts

HOW DO WE KNOW IT’S A MRS. SUPERMAN? Not very progressive, Superman Comics circa 2000.

What a bunch of all-over-the-place nonsense! Let’s focus on the things that matter. I still want to know if Superman wears special underwear that doesn’t tear if he gets an erection.


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