Girl, Interrupted (1999)

Tagline:
The crazy thing is, you’re not crazy.

Wide Release Date:
January 14, 2000

Directed by:
James Mangold
Written by:
James Mangold, Lisa Loomer, Anna Hamilton Phelan
Based on the memoir by:
Susanna Kaysen
Produced by:
Douglas Wick, Cathy Konrad

Starring:
Winona Ryder
Angelina Jolie
Clea DuVall
Brittany Murphy
Elisabeth Moss
Jared Leto
Jeffrey Tambor
Vanessa Redgrave
Whoopi Goldberg

Girl, Interrupted

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Based on a true story. I had seen this movie once before back in 2011, when I was 23. This movie had been in the back of my mind for a decade for one reason and one reason only: Winona Ryder’s whole appearance, especially her haircut, had spurred the second-biggest movie crush I ever had in my whole life. The BIGGEST movie crush I ever had in my whole life, of course, was Christina Ricci as Wednesday Addams. I was three years old at that time and I never, ever recovered from it.

12 years ago I saw this movie. Almost as much time has passed between 1999 and 2011. I don’t remember much about Girl, Interrupted anymore other than I thought it was ok at the time. I completely forgot that Jared Leto, Whoopi Goldberg, and Elisabeth Moss were even in it. I was flipping through Netflix and stumbled upon it again, so I’ll give it another go. Now that my fiery passion for 1999-era Winona Ryder has calmed down, let me actually watch it and pay more attention to it this time!

THE 300(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Welcome to 1967. Winona Ryder plays Susanna Kaysen, a troubled recent high school graduate. After a nervous breakdown and an overdose of aspirin/alcohol, she gets forcibly checked into a psychiatric hospital with all sorts of crazy characters! Brittany Murphy (Daisy) is an OCD-addled, laxative-addicted, suicidal nervous nelly! Clea Duvall (Georgia) is a pathological liar! Elisabeth Moss (Polly) is a schizophrenic burn victim! Oh man, and here comes trouble: Angelina Jolie is Lisa, a manipulative, dangerous sociopath! She forms a bond with Susanna, who spends most of the movie jumpy and wary.

Girl, Interrupted - Dr. Crumble

Dr. Phillip W. Crumble established himself as one of Massachusetts’s preeminent psychiatrists by putting his foot in your ass!

Most of the movie follows Susanna’s daily life in the institution as she spends her 18-month sentence “recovering”. Frequent therapy sessions reveal Susanna’s diagnosis as borderline personality disorder, aka teenage promiscuity and lack of ambition, honestly. Valerie (Whoopi Goldberg), the head nurse, bounces between tough love and sympathetic kindness as Susanna continuously pushes her buttons. Lisa’s influence has causes Susanna to be hostile and uncooperative during the first few months of her stay.

Jared Leto plays Susanna’s sort of boyfriend. They had a fling and we learn he was likely going to get drafted into the military and die in Vietnam. That didn’t happen though. He shows up at the institution to try and goad Susanna into running away to Canada with him. She declines, having grown attached to many of her fellow psychiatric hospital inmates.

After a pretty grim scene where Susanna and Lisa break out for an evening to visit the newly-released Daisy. Lisa spends much of the evening ridiculing her, pushing her to suicide. This causes Susanna to drift apart from Lisa and, afraid of becoming like her, starts taking her stay at the hospital seriously.

Eventually, Lisa starts enacting revenge against Susanna for breaking things off. This culminates in a confrontational scene where Susanna stands up for herself and Lisa contemplates killing herself. She doesn’t! But, later, before Susanna is released, they patch things up. Bada bing bada boom.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Critical Opinion

I found it odd that Girl, Interrupted received both mixed reviews and four different awards for Angelina Jolie’s performance. This tells me that, according to opinion, Angelina Jolie was the movie’s only saving grace. Rotten Tomatoes shows a critics’ score of 53%. The average user score is 84%.

While my opinions of Winona Ryder as an actor aren’t terribly high, she did ok as an angsty, troubled teenager who was suddenly whisked away for no reason to live in a mental institution for 18 months. I have nothing negative to say about any of the rest of the supporting cast.

Except maybe Jared Leto because, uh, it’s fucking Jared Leto.

Girl, Interrupted - Toby

Remember me? You may know me as Morbius the Living Vampire in, you guessed it, 2022’s wonderful film Morbius.

Most of the criticism stems from the movie’s predictability and its less-than-satisfactory adaptation from the book. I can’t speak about the book, but I imagine the real Susanna Kaysen included a lot more social commentary in her memoirs. One watches the movie and possibly understands the misogynist message with respect to a woman’s mental health in the 60s. There was nothing about Susanna’s mental state that couldn’t have been worked on with weekly therapy sessions, obviously, and the same could be said for almost the rest of them. Maybe not Elisabeth Moss’ character, Polly, the schizophrenic who attempted suicide by setting herself on fire. The fact they were all dragged out of society instead shows the unwillingness to actually treat them as human beings.

The movie doesn’t do a very good job with presenting this particular theme. They instead focus more on Angelina Jolie’s “villainous” Lisa character and how the rest of the institution, staff and patients, deals with her. This includes solitary confinement, attempted ostracization, electro-shock therapy, all that fun stuff. Obviously a little excessive, but Jolie’s resistant reactions to these treatments and her petty, mean behavior toward everyone takes the front seat to the social commentary.

As far as predictability, I don’t think that detracts from the movie. You can see Brittany Murphy’s character’s suicide coming a mile away, but it’s still a shocking scene. Perhaps the last confrontation between Susanna and Lisa in the tunnels was both over-the-top and unrealistic, but what would you really expect from Lisa hearing (in very blunt fashion) everything about herself that she doesn’t actually want to think about? Sometimes predictability is better than a twist when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Girl, Interrupted - Susanna and Lisa

Do you have what it takes to rumble with the baddest ladies in McLean Hospital, where we’re constantly sedated against our will?

TOPIC 2 — Mental Illness

As someone who literally takes four different types of medication right now to curb anxiety and depression like some sort of UNSTABLE LUNATIC who should be DRAGGED OUT ONTO FIFTH AVENUE and shot in the face by FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, I found the movie’s portrayal of mental illness to be sympathetic instead of, you know, “heh heh look how CRAZY these women are, ha ha, WOOOOO”!

I know most people are self-conscious about the mental problems they may have, and I personally don’t give much of a shit what people think about me, but I imagine that I’d want to keep it all to myself if I were living in the 1960s right now. It sounds like professionals weren’t particularly helpful, and the only thing Susanna learned while she was checked-in was to get over herself a little bit and lighten up. That’s all she needed to do. Obviously, Brittany Murphy’s Daisy was checked-out prematurely.

Girl, Interrupted - Susanna and Daisy

Remember that episode of King of the Hill where Luann was checked into a mental health hospital in 1967? It was a good one!

With Susanna as the focus, having been eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, her mood swings and shiftlessness are explainable. Here’s what else is explainable about it: she’s still a teenager. A teenager with no sense of direction after high school. A teenager with no sense of direction after high school, leading to impulsivity, poor coping mechanisms, and dangerously poor self-worth. SEE! Give me my professional license!

(Note: I am in no way pretending to be any sort of psychologist of any form whatsoever. I took two classes in college. I don’t even know where the brain is located in the body!)

I’m not diminishing the diagnosis. I’m saying that there very obvious, easy things to look into to help her before throwing her in mental health jail!

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Angelina Jolie avoided any communication with Winona Ryder when making the movie, claiming that if she saw anything human about Ryder, she would not have been able to act out the sociopath character Lisa Rowe as effectively.
Oh, I see. “Method acting”. I was confused at first, since this is how I treat my coworkers on a daily basis. Except I don’t have to worry too much about the “see anything human” part.

The ice cream parlor the girls visit is Eckels Soda Fountain in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. The store even has a “Girl, Interrupted” sundae.
The sundae is mostly nuts! Hahahaha! Get it?!?! MOSTLY NUTS!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!!

Girl, Interrupted - Field Trip

The hospital lets the women out for 45 minutes per year so they can get ice cream in below-freezing weather.

Angelina Jolie revealed in an interview that she genuinely thought she was the only character who was sane in the entire film, and that’s how she played it. She said, “I was actually almost upset when people said I was so good at playing insane because I never thought she was insane. She was just incredibly honest, which, I guess, made her seem crazy.”
Yeah, sure, Jolie. Sounds like you just accidentally admitted that you avoided talking to Ryder for reasons other than “acting out a sociopathic character” to me. Pick a lane.

Courtney Love auditioned for the role of the sociopath Lisa Rowe.
Wouldn’t that have been something? She wouldn’t have had to act at all!

At the beginning of the film, Susanna (Winona Ryder) ponders: “Have you ever stolen something when you had the cash?”. Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting in 2002 after stealing close to $6000 worth of merchandise.
Yeah and she’s still a fucking baller for that move. Capitalism can go fuck itself, I agree. I’m only more attracted to her now.

Winona Ryder, Whoopi Goldberg and Kurtwood Smith all had at least one appearance in the Star Trek universe.
NERDS!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Maybe. There’s nothing essential except to see the hubbub about Jolie’s performance. From what I’ve read, it is advised to check out Kaysen’s book instead, which hits upon the points in a more direct and thought-provoking way.

And there are other movies that do a better job with topic of mental illness. I’m told. And when I actually watch any of them, you will be the first to know.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 – “Plasmids”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Legacy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 – “Plasmids”! In the previous installment, Nick Fury shows up at Peter Parker’s school to let him know that there’s nothing he can do about anything. Just please don’t kill him if Norman Osborn asks you to, ok son? That would be mean.

Parker tells Aunt May to not get involved with the Osborns anymore. The only Osbournes that Aunt May should be keeping an eye on are the antics of Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack! That was on TV in 2002! Seems like yesterday!

As Spider-Man, Parker confronts the Green Goblin. He doesn’t get anywhere with that. The Green Goblin kidnaps MJ. That’s a doozy, and likely what most of this issue will cover.

Remember when Ozzy Osbourne was all like “mprhm mphrmrrmhm muuuhhrm huumuhhhhh”? He was only 44 at the time! Funny stuff.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 [October, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Plasmids”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

MJ looks five kinds of dead on the cover. RIP. Should’ve just ignored Peter Parker in school like almost everyone else.

The Green Goblin stole Parker’s girlfriend right in front of his spidery, milky eyeballs. Harry Osborn, who was standing five inches away from her, is also horror struck.

Flashback to 20 minutes ago. Harry Osborn is undergoing a dimly lit, closed eyes, bedroom hypnosis session! Quite the sexy session, although he kept most of his clothes on, it seems.

“What does your father do for a living, Harry?”
“He is a scientist and a biochemical engineer.”
“Do you know what that means?”
“Not really. But we’re rich.”

I wish being an engineer made you rich. IN THIS ECONOMY? I sleep on a haystack.

“How did your mother die, Harry?
*pause*
“In a fire.”
“Did you see it happen? Could you have saved her, Harry?”
“I don’t know.”

…

“Your mother loved you, Harry. Your mother and father both love you. And with your father gone, your father loves you twice as much.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

Hypnotizing away daddy issues would be a multibillion dollar business.

“So, Harry, how are the rest of the students treating you now that you are back in school?”
“Uh– um… They, you know, some of them are fine, and others are weird.”
“What do you mean by weird, Harry?”
“Um, I think it’s the money, really.”
“You mean your wealth?”
“Yeah.”

Brainwashing seems to be over for now. Harry does on to explain that he has always been the richest kid in school, and the ones who care about his money aren’t really his friends anyway.

The hypnotist is named Dr. Warren, and he tells young Harry that he has a good attitude! Unlike those other rich teenagers in the country that only care that their friends want them to think they have money. What is money, anyway, other than bits of paper. A social construct! Economics is made up! And furthermore, w–

“In fact, my best friends are coming over for dinner tonight,” Harry continues with a hazy smile, “You should stay and meet them.”

Peter Parker and MJ Watson? Those nerds? Whatever you say, son. You should get some real friends. Rich friends! Friends that like your money.

Anyway, MJ’s been cool. Peter Parker’s been slightly weird, but I guess he has some personal shit he’s going through. Puberty pains. Peeing the bed. Dead Uncle Syndrome.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

Therapy worked! Just look at Harry, he’s looking the doc up and down, ready to jump his bones.

Dr. Warren immediately briefs Norman on his son’s session. He’s doing very well. He loves you unconditionally, like you’re Jesus or LeVar Burton. No nightmares in two weeks; his dreams are filled with visions of you and him holding hands and skipping through a flowery meadow. School’s fine. He still likes his autistic friends.

Norman asks if the “program words” are still there. Dr. Warren wants to discuss that with him…but later, because Normy Boy takes a phone call from his assistant. Whatsits, I keep forgetting her name *looks at notes, accidentally drops them in a volcano* …Ms. Brooke. Norman tells her to just come back without the Parkers, since they decided to snub his dinner invitation like rude people from rude Queens.

Please be sure to check out my new show, Rude Queens, on Bravo.

“At some point we’ll have to discuss the long term effects of Harry’s–” Dr. Warren begins, but Norman cuts him off. He cuts him off and cuts him off. Harry’s appendix is going to burst out his anus if he keeps this up, but Norman isn’t concerned one bit! It’s Goblin time! Yeah, goblin cock that is.

Norman goes to his office, pulls out a syringe full of that sweet sweet DNA-altering liquid, grabs his Goblin hood, makes his way to the rooftop of the high-rise, and sticks the needle into his goddamn neck. “Nnnn…AAH!” he sighs, smiling, suddenly in need of a change of underwear.

The syringe drops down the side of the building, assuredly impaling some poor kid’s head on the sidewalk.

This due writhes and grunts on the roof like a cow in labor. He Hulks out. His clothes rip off. All these ghostly apparitions in his vision cheer him on and/or complain with non-sequiturs like “You are death” and “Get dressed” and “Cellar door” and “My eyes itch”. They also alert Mr. Goblin Jones about Spider-Man’s appears with phrases like “He’s here” and “He’s still wearing the costume” and “He’s a mutant, he’s your son” and “Not a costume! That’s his skin. Alien mutagena!” Real schizoid stuff here. Totally normal and good.

We see the same scene from Issue #24, but this time it’s entirely from the Green Goblin’s point of view. We see why some of the Green Goblin’s responses made no sense. We see the reason for Spider-Man’s defensive and frustrated confusion. We also see how Spider-Man looks and speaks through the Green Goblin’s DNA-drug addled broken-brained mind! His speaking is distorted. His body looks nightmarishly bug-like and alarming. Disembodied voices pound into Norman’s head. I like this!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

New York City’s FAVORITE creepy bugface superhero!

“His blood is your blood.”
“Symbiote!”
“Fortune 500!”
“First blood!”
“Congeal!!”
“HE MADE YOU A GOD!”
“HE MADE YOU A DOG.”
“He made you a king.”
“Plasmids carry genes that are not needed under all growth conditions–”
“Downstream genes.”
“I love him.”
“Kill him.”
“Skin him.”
“Kiss him.”
“Hate him.”
“Hug him.”
“Burn him.”

Spider-Man is trying to ask him what he ever did to Norman in the first place, why the whole Green Goblin terrorist thing, why can’t just leave him and his friends and family alone.

“I want to scratch the eyes out of my head.”
“First blood. Scratch the eyes.”
“Tell him of the circles.”
“Don’t tell him who you really are.”
“The circles!”

And this is why Norman starts suddenly talking about circles. Circles of life, circles of death, etc. etc. I’m not going to rehash it here! All the same stuff, essentially. Just more horrendous this time!

The voices keep insisting upon the circles. The circles, man, the circles! Cellar door! Come on, now. Reconstruction of melanosome motility along microtubules! This is pretty basic shit.

They start to warn Green Norman about Nick Fury, that’s he’s comin’ to getcha! Then they say “Girl!” It’s all “Fury!” and “Girl!”

And, thus, in a stunning anticlimax, Green Goblin skips and cavorts down the side of the building and scoops up MJ and here we are all over again. Spider-Man shoots his cute little webs and swings around town chasing Ol’ Greeny while MJ screams. Making a big scene.

Spider-Man is hootin’ and hollerin’ trying to get Nick Fury to show his ass NOW! and help save his girlfriend LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD! That good for-nothing one-eyed Jack! That horrible bald dingleberry!

“You’ve got to stop this. You’ve got to stop,” Spidey frantically flails as he lands on the roof where Goblin Sir waits. “Peter, please…” MJ begs, tears running down her face, “Please help me.”

Nope! Green Goober drops her.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

Now I’m freeeeeeeee … Free faaaaalllin’

A helicopter arrives on the scene. Spidey dives toward his damsel in distress. She falls. He falls. She’s somewhat in shock. He’s determined to save her. And I’m hungry! I’m always hungry. Maybe I should get a snack. Oh wait, let’s see what happens here first.

Spidey is close enough to shoot his web spooge. It catches her foot. She’s an inch from the East River. The filthiest river in the northeast United States! Remember when Kramer swam in that river? I do. Everyone told him not to, and he didn’t listen! He didn’t listen! And now look at him, throwing slurs with reckless abandon! How topical.

Anyway, he saves her and starts bounding around the streets looking for a good place to check in. She’s unconscious. Or dead. PROBABLY unconscious, but she could be dead. Hard to tell the difference sometimes. Better throw her in a casket just in case.

We don’t get to know yet. This issue is over.

Final Thoughts

MJ’s not dead, you guys. We still need to keep that Gwen Stacy love triangle on a rolling boil!


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Delicate Steve, Gabe Gurnsey, and Guided by Voices

Hey, two weeks in a row! That’s awesome! Here are 2022 releases from Delicate Steve, Gabe Gurnsey, and Guided by Voices.

Delicate Steve – After Hours
(July 8, 2022)

Delicate Steve - After Hours

Delicate Steve plays delicate music. I must say I love the moniker. Reminds me of Steely Dan without the deliberate dildo reference.

This is pleasant instrumental surf rock and jazz fusion that serves to accomplish nothing more than demonstrate the interesting palette of guitar tones and rhythmic soundscapes for, I imagine, groups looking for session musicians. While I don’t fully intend to criticize the music in this way, I can’t help but feel like After Hours is an audition tape. Steve Marion (Delicate Steve himself in the flesh) sounds like he spent half the day jamming with a band and cherry-picked some of the best bits.

The problem I have with this piecemeal approach that I perceive here is that a track like “Find My Way”, with inoffensive funk guitar, smooth jazz guitar tones, VERY repetitive song structures, and safe major key chord progressions, is essentially a soundtrack for the Weather Channel. There is no one on Earth younger than 68 who is actively listening to something like this unless they’re practicing the guitar themselves. Some may find this to be perfect background music, but I don’t. I’d throw on a hundred things over this. I’d throw on actual jazz.

The guitar playing itself is disappointing. It’s all dreamy, sunset-gazing soft rock melodies. There are no interesting progressions, or adventurous detours, or even, godforbid, actual displays of emotion. I wouldn’t even call it noodling, because “noodling” implies some level of improvisation. This guitar playing is tightly structured and easy, leaving no wiggle room for spontaneity or even a little excitement. Everything is sterile. The moods aren’t genuine. I feel put upon.

There’s no point in singling out any individual tracks, because all 29 minutes are the same. You may as well put Track 1 on repeat while cleaning your living room. If you LOVE Chick Corea, don’t pass this up. I don’t like Chick Corea.

Sorry, Delicate Steve. I know we are kindred spirits because we both have the same Zappa tattoo on the same location on our arms, but mine is better than yours. And so is Zappa’s music.

Early Verdict:

Gabe Gurnsey – Diablo
(September 9, 2022)

Gabe Gurnsey - Diablo

I’m the last person to ask about electronic music. I don’t know the different between techno, house, breakbeat, microhouse, minimal techno, deep house, jungle, IDM, Detroit techno, Chicago house, acid trance, glitch, witch house, deconstructed club, Birmingham sound, I could go literally go on and on. Electronic music is a tough nut to crack for someone raised on classic rock and post-punk. I think you have to have this kind of music in your bones to be able to truly appreciate nuances.

I know what I like, though. And I like this. I’m a big fan of Factory Floor’s debut album from 2013. Gurnsey and Nik Colk Void made an ideal team, all the more evident after they both went their separate ways and pursued solo careers. It’s clear that Gurnsey brought techno positivity, and Void brought the creepy industrial sensibilities to their collaborative project. And you can read more about Void from me later this year! I promise! She released an album too!

While Gabe Gurnsey’s first effort Physical left me cold, the vocal-work from Tilly Morris on Diablo adds an immersive, surreal richness to the infectious beats that were less present on the more hard-hitting debut. Synth pulses and delicate weavings of soft electronic bleeps and bloops. The result is a dreamlike album, hypnotic like a dose of NyQuil while being peppy enough to keep you awake for an active listen. It’s an interesting effect.

Again, this genre of music is not my forte. I like what I hear from the first track, “Push”, which is a perfectly accessible opener to get you in the mood for an album’s worth of drug-addled dance club backroom fuckin’. I also like what I hear from “You Remind Me” and those ethereal, breathy ascending triplets from Morris. I also like the high-pitched and bubbly melodic lines from “I Love a Sea on Fire”. Track after track of this interesting, off-kilter dance music reminds me of the kind of music James Murphy would make if he wanted to make the soundtrack to a European orgy. And don’t count him out on that just yet.

Anyway, this is good. Listen to it.

Early Verdict:

Guided by Voices – Tremblers and Goggles by Rank
(July 1, 2022)

Guided by Voices - Tremblers and Goggles by Rank

Hey! Guided by Voices already released an album in 2022. You mean to tell me that ROBERT POLLARD is prolific? What an asshole!

Two proper albums in 2022, with a ’90s collection of rare tracks coming by the end of the year. 38 albums with Guided by Voices, 22 albums under his own name, four Suitcase boxsets compiling 400 unreleased tracks, and a thousand other albums and collaborations. Fuck this guy. Fuck him.

OK, well, I find it difficult to review an album when the same band already put out an album in the same year. The first one got to be analyzed on its own merits; the second one gets to be compared to the first one. And if you’re Robert Pollard, and your consistency is unparalleled, at what point does one just kind of…stop critiquing the work? Tremblers and Goggles by Rank is yet another 21st century installment of catchy melodies, semi-lo-fi production, and perplexing lyrics from Guided by Voices. A welcome addition to an already storied catalog! If Robert Pollard is your favorite artist, you’ve got to be in heaven.

All right, fine. If I have to choose a standout track, I’d pick “Goggles by Rank”. Mostly because it’s the one that gets stuck in my head, but it also reminds me of how much I like Pollard’s voice. He kind of has this Bowie quality; not the best singer, but he’s able to steal a room. Also, he’s the most Bowie-esque singer out of Ohio there ever was. That’s gotta count for something.

OK. “Review” over.

Early Verdict:


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Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574 – “Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

* Part 5 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574 – “Something Borrowed, Something Blue”! In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Mongul is a big, scary guy from another part of the universe who was launched across space by a guy who is even bigger and scarier than Mongul! Superman freaks out because Mongul is pretty big and scary, so this other guy must be something else, man.

Mongul and Superman form a truce and Mongul helps Superman train for a real interstellar rumble for the ages!

Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen got a photo of Superman wearing a wedding ring, but he decides to Photoshop that shit out to not jeopardize whomever he might be married to. However, the newspaper ran a story about Superman’s wedding ring! Surprise!

And now for something completely different:

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574 [January, 2000]
Written by: Mark Millar / Stewart Immonen
“Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Who the hell bought this comic in 2000 with that cover? Is that supposed to be Lois Lane, aka Mrs. Superman, aka someone with no powers whatsoever except the power to be a LOOSE CANNON in the newspaper office? Let’s find out immediately!

In an alley, a man wearing the ol’ hat and trench coat get-up, shrouded in the darkness, presents a vial to a group of slack-jawed teenage street toughs. “DMN, gentlemen. A cheap, street-level derivative of the demon drug you might have seen on the television news, pioneered by the monster maker and his cohorts in the evil factory.”

Sure, whatever you say. Demon drug. Television news. Monster maker. Evil factory. Just hand it over so they can crush it into barely-powdery lumps and lodge it up their nasal cavities.

Not so fast, children! This shit won’t get you high or feel good or none of that. It does nothing but turn you into a MONSTER! Boo! And forget everything you know about it. Don’t even buy it, you don’t even want to be around this stuff. He shouldn’t have told you anything about it in the first place. It should go in the trash where it belongs! $50 please.

A pimple face hands the man a rolled up wad of green paper with old syphilis-riddled statesmen on them. “Will this cover it?” the kid squeaks. “You’re a twisted, nasty little child who deserves to die in a cold, lonely place my friend…” the man hisses with his seductively slithery voice, “…and I feel confident we’ll meet again soon.”

This is getting a little too kinky for me. What’s Superman up to right now?

“FEEL THE POWER OF GABRIEL VAN DANIKEN, SUPERMAN!” yells a guy in a metal suit with a terribly unpowerful name. Sigh. Superman’s beating up another nerd again. That’s too kinky, too. Is there no end to it?

Ha! I turn the page and Superman makes fun of his name too. See, he and I are like this! *twists fingers together and shoves them up my butt*

Van Daniken is like, pffft, I’m 35-years-old. Aliases are for children. Aren’t his attempts to poison the town’s water supply enough as it is for you??

“Dude’s got a point,” pipes in smiling, goateed lookie-loo, “I mean, Bonnie and Clyde never had code names and it never stopped them from being criminals.” A SALIENT POINT, sir. Thanks for your input. It’s very respectable for supervillains to go by their god-given names. It shows bravery! It worked for Melvin Van Peebles and it works for this other guy with “Van” in his name.

Superman doesn’t like these gawkers. Better finish this quickly. He punches Milhouse Van Houten and launches him into a tanker truck full of water. It has Woody Woodpecker on it. “Holy geez! Superman just killed the guy!” yells one of America’s finest <40 IQ citizens.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Ugh. Just actually kill a guy once in a while, you pussy.

“Stunts like that must make the little woman proud, huh?” says one of the dudes. They all badger Superman for information about the revelation that he’s a married man. Is it Courteney Cox? High five, bro!

Oh snap, look out! Eddie Van Halen emerges from the tank o’ liquid nitrogen and is ready to settle the score! Ha, relax everyone, this guy is frozen! Liquid nitrogen is -321 degrees. That’s Fahrenheit, my friends. He’s barely even going to be able to get an erection, and furthermore–

CHAKOOM!

It looks like an unknown speedy entity, faster than a speeding whatever, grabbed Van Buren and carried him straight up into the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a helicopter! It’s a Pluto! It’s a lightbulb! It’s a sandwich! It’s a bullhorn! It’s a candle! It’s a blimp! It’s a blump! It’s a bloop!

No! It’s…

A lady dressed like Superman!

(spoiler alert I hope you didn’t already see the cover art ha ha)

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Got that gorgeous Steve Harrington from Stranger Things head of hair.

Uh oh! This isn’t going to end well!

The rubbernecking losers on the street lose their collective shit. Proof positive that Superman is married! Exactly seven seconds after Superman was asked about his marriage! EXCELLENT TIMING! Everyone is satisfied!

Superman flies up to this mysterious flying woman and asks, just exactly please, what her goddamn deal is. Turns out, against all foreseeable odds, she’s an obsessed looney who probably wants to find his real wife and stab her in the face 400 times like a Slender Man appeasement ritual. “Who is she, Superman? Is it Big Barda? Tell me it isn’t one of those anorexic little Teen Titans–” she drills.

Apparently this obsessed woman is literally named Obsession. “Listen to me, Obsession,” Superman says panickedly, “This whole marriage thing has been a terrible misunderstanding.”

“LIAR!” she screams, throwing him down on the rooftop of a nearby highrise.

Where’s this Van Helsing guy at?

Ok, well that was exciting. We go now to the Daily Planet where a riveting conversation is in progress between Lois Lane and a young, blonde, pregnant woman named Lucy. It fails the Bechdel test so fast that it’ll make your head spin.

“That wedding ring finger of yours looks suspiciously bare, Lucy,” says Lois. What a horrible sentence to say to literally anybody. Unwed pregnancy shaming over here. “Jimmy’s the only eligible bachelor in here, but he’s never going to love anyone the way he loves his new digital camera.”

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Wow. Get up off her nuts, dude.

Lucy has a boyfriend named Ron, and it sounds like Ron’s getting kicked to the curb soon. Cool to know that Jimmy Olsen fornicates with his camera, I guess. It sounds like Lois and Lucy are sisters. I didn’t know Lois Lane even had a family. I figured she was produced in a laboratory test tube.

Lucy’s like “shove off, sister, I don’t your nagging. You sound like mom, and she sucks! And you sound like dad too! He also sucks!”

Lois wonders if Lucy’s afraid to tell the folks that her baby might be black. Awkward! That’s not one you want to talk about with grandma at Thanksgiving. Did you know she was involved in the January 6th insurrection? It’s true! She made cookies for everyone.

Anyway, blah blah blah. Family racism, bastard children, Jimmy Olsen camera-fuckin’. This is dull. I also can’t fathom why Lucy and Lois would want to work together at the same company, in the same building. Sounds horrible.

Ron shows up to the cubicle now after spending seventeen hours in the bathroom. “Hey baby,” he coos at Lucy, “how’s the next generation of troupes brewing in that big belly of yours?”

Gross.

Perry White is busy berating an accountant, which I’m starting to pick up on as his primary method of interacting with his employees! HOWEVER, he gives Ron a big ol “Ron m’boy” and asks him to step into his office for some “privacy”. Hubba hubba.

Long story short, Perry’s been busy as a beaver in Beaverton, Oregon (the Beaver State). The Daily Planet’s back up and running, and the internet’s getting popular! Things need to change if they’re going to keep running in the near and far future! Perry needs his best people! So, Ron…if you see anyone good, let him know. Thanks, pal.

Ha. THAT would’ve been a better direction. Instead, he sucks Ron’s dick in the “privacy” of his office and asks him to rejoin the reporting team. It sounds like Ron was the one who broke open the Death of Superman story. It also sounds like Ron doesn’t want to do it! Oh man, if only Perry asked him a few months ago! But it’s too late now, Ron has…cancer. Yes, that’ll do. He has cancer, sir.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

But I tell ya, I sure did love those good old dishonest days. Lex and I did some real dishonest mischief in our time, I’ll tell you that for free.

Perry pretty much begs the guy to take the offer, tells him he’ll dump a load of money on him. He knows Ron’s gonna be a father soon! He’ll start a college fund! He’ll rob a bank! Whatever it takes! I’m desperate for someone who knows how to pound out words on a computer better than that dummy Clark Kent.

Nope! Ron’s doing jerkoffery mission work right now. It probably involves traveling to uncharted islands and trying to teach primitive tribes the word of Jesus before he gets speared in the throat by feral tribal children. Way more fulfilling.

Pfft, Perry has a retort for that. Giving people the honest, unbiased news helps millions. How many people is your shitty missionary helping, Ron? Three? Go fuck yourself.

Lois interrupts this touching moment of “privacy” to let them know that Superman’s currently in a fight. It’s all over the TV. Here’s the kicker! He’s fighting a woman!

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

No one asked you, Archie.

The office scrambles out to the scene. Jimmy has his trusty 900-pound camera with him.

I don’t know exactly what Superman plans to do about all this. He can’t just beat her up and throw her into a liquid nitrogen truck! “This nonsense has gone on long enough, lady. I think you’d better come with me,” Superman says, grabbing Obsession’s wrists from behind in a manner that looks like he’s kind of humping her butt a little bit.

“Oh Superman,” she says, flipping him over and into the side of an apartment building, “it gives me goosebumps when you get all masterful!”

Pretty dumb stuff, ain’t it! At least the art is fun.

While Obsession continues her aggressive flirting, a team of four bad guys BURSTS through the window of a convenience store! Three of them look like colorful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villains. The fourth one looks like a werewolf who has almost turned back into his human form. “Aw, man! What a ripoff!” he cries, “That demon drug hardly lasted ten minutes!”

Well, if it meant you could break into a 7-Eleven and steal the slurpees, mission accomplished. Can’t do that as normal human beings at all.

Jimmy Olsen, who knew Superman was fighting Mrs. Superman, can’t tell who Superman is fighting on the scene when he looks up into the sky. Lois Lane has to tell him it’s Mrs. Superman.

Lois facepalms, and exasperated tells her ginger companion to get closer. We don’t want to miss a great shot, do we? Sigh. Mumble.

Too many things to take photos of at once! Rainbow-colored demons wearing denim! A woman with enormous titties flying around lookin’ like Superman! Another day in Metropolis, right? Do these people even know that fascists are trying to take over America? Don’t they know the midterms are coming up?

Jimmy thinks that these cool, dope, phat new photos will get him back in Perry White’s good graces after he photoshopped out Superman’s wedding ring for the front page! Uh huh, you’re lucky he didn’t club you across the head with his 5 iron (aka penis).

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

No! They might destroy the place and kill everyone and I’ll have to write for a newspaper!

Ron starts panicking once he notices that the three buffoons are cavorting and dancing their way in the direction of his mission home. There are only four cardinal directions, Ron. Chances were one in four. There are a lot of other places and buildings due east.

“What’s the matter with you,” Superman yells and grimaces at his female counterpart, “People are getting hurt down there! I can hear bones breaking!”

Melodramatic much? Sounds like someone is crunching a bag of Bugles to me. Or is your “super hearing” just a big fat lie?

And Mrs. Superman over here, she’s like IT’S SUCH A MAN THING to complain about breaking bones instead of breaking hearts! “I may not be a great conversationalist, and I know I’m a little intense sometimes, but I’d cut my throat to see you smile, Superman.”

Now tell her where she can find his wife so she can murder her and dump her body down a well.

Instead of being like “get away from me forever, you lunatic”, Superman patiently reasons with her while she shocks him with electricity hands. “There are people down there who need me, and if you had an ounce of love in your heart, you’d help me to save them,” he whines and moans. This makes her stop and make a real Tucker Carlson “buhhh” face before agree that it’s a good idea after all.

So they JOIN FORCES to take out whatever the fuck is breaking bones down at street level. Maybe these radical Ninja Turtles dudes are snacking on some children at the mission home? They’d be better off!

And by the time Lois and Jimmy show up to the scene, the two Superduds are already gone. Ron, though, Ron is at the mission home trying to confront the monster brigade with underwear filled with diarrhea. “Get outta here, man, or else I’m gonna…!” he trails off, out of his dang element.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

Dude, get out of here before you get snorted.

“We know there’s a pharmacy in here somewhere, homeboy. You show us where the drugs are or we’re gonna snort YOU,” the blue one threatens. Good thing Superman and Super-Not-a-Man show up at that moment to neutralize the threat, although I kind of wanted to see Ron get snorted.

The orange one warns Superman that he’ll report the caped crusader to the Justice League if he so much as lays an unprovoked finger on one of them. Superman finds these fools familiar, but he can’t really place them. Were these that kids that he sold the demon drug to at the beginning of the issue?? A twist!

The yellow one spills the beans about the demon drug while Mrs. Superlady wrings his neck like a soaked sponge. Well, shit, Superman knows all about the demon drug (having sold it to them! Heh heh heh) and knows that they’ll all come down hard. He wants to round them all up before they freak out too much and starting hurting themselves, and Mrs. SuperDuperWoman can handle that business! No problemo, senorita sir!

“Remember, I’ve dealt with the consequences of this drug before,” Superman warns her, “and the user just gets stronger and wilder as they near the end of their high.” Neat! I bet Joe Rogan would be all over that.

Ron’s lifting a chair over his head. He’s serious, man. This is real mahogany, and he will hit you over the head with it by god. Too bad he doesn’t even get a chance; SuperMomHair zaps Mr. Blue Monster with her electricity and he’s probably dead! Superman doesn’t take too kindly to that, but sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. And speaking of eggs, Superman, but you have some fertilizin’ to do if Obsession has her way. *eyebrows*

He’s not dead, it’s ok. Superman’s got his back to Ol’ Bluey, who gets up and brandishes a handful of sharp claws. At least five of them, by my count! “SUPERMAN! GET BACK!” Obsession screams while pushing him out of the way. It’s hard to tell what happens next, exactly, but I suppose Obsession is like a transformer and Mr. Blue is like when you hit a transformer with an axe 50 times. Obsession goes bzzzt.

How very altruistic! She must really love him! Give momma some sugar now. Pucker up, bitch.

Adventures of Superman (Vol. 1), Issue #574

No kidding. This issue is longer than my dick (two inches).

This issue is dragging on. I’m gonna wrap this shit up quick at this point: Superman apprehends the teenage mutant ninja monsters. The press shows up and asks where the fuck Mrs. Superman went. Superman doesn’t kiss and tell, kiddos; he flies away. Jimmy Olsen gets a little too excited about photography and feels sorry for Clark; he missed all the action! Lois looks sad. Lucy and Ron hug it out because Ron’s all kinds of not dead. “All my body parts are in the right places,” he tells her, smooth as butter. But the mission house is destroyed, I guess he’ll have to write for a newspaper now. Obsession died.

An unknown figure looms over the corpses of Mr. Blue and Mrs. Something-Borrowed-Something-Blue. “DELICIOUS,” it says, deliciously, “Nothing tastes sweeter than a POINTLESS death…and these two were only the appetizer.”

Final Thoughts

Jumping Jesus these Y2K-era comics are long. New 52’s got the right idea, there are about four words per page and stories are over like this!: *snaps fingers* *breaks bones*

Looks like the only loose thread between these stories right now is WHO IS SUPERMAN MARRIED TO?? It’s Lois Lane, you numbskulls! What a bunch of pea-brains.


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East of West, Issue #23 – “A Son of the Kingdom”

* Part 8 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #23 – “A Son of the Kingdom”! In the previous installment, which was almost completely wordless, an assassin crew hired by Archibald infiltrates Xiaolian Mao’s private bathhouse and unsuccessfully attempts to kill her. She spends most of the issue wasting these guys in the nude, and artist Nick Dragotta jacked off a whole lot while he drew all those panels.

In the only panel with dialogue, Archibald comments, once his top man sends a message reading “FAILURE”, that this is really going to kill his buzz.

I like seeing more of the political chess game from the nation heads than the goings-on with the harbinger Horsey Men of the Apocalypse and the little Asperger’s kid with the balloon. Based on the cover it looks like we’ll be seeing more of the Freemans and New Orleans. Here we go.

East of West, Issue #23 [December, 2015]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“A Son of the Kingdom”

East of West, Issue #23

“One bad lie and the whole web unravels.”

Yeah? This whole series has been one bad lie after another. That must be the point.

The bleak Black Towers overlook the sprawling metropolis of the land of The-South-Never-Lost. “Normally, I don’t like to tell tales of days gone by… especially when those days are my own…” Archibald ruminates, if I may, bereft of that usual chipper arrogance I’ve been accustomed to. Well, he still lays it on thick for his captive audience, trying his best to blatantly slather his words with bitterness as he slouches in his chair, face a wee bit sallow, cheeks sunken in, brow furrowed. The guy looks like dog shit.

“The failure of our courier in regards to the delivery of a certain package to a certain Provence with the PRA is a true embarrassment…” says Archibald’s captive audience: a man dressed like a Miami Vice mafia boss. He crushes the digital message of “FAILURE” into blocky red pixels.

Before this crime man can continue, Archibald interrupts by verbosely asking him if he would like a drink. “To quench your thirst and allow me just a moment more to finish my story. The point of which I have not yet made.”

Fine, whatever. Keep telling your story, prick.

East of West, Issue #23

Finely powdered, chopped-off dick, as all Spiders are.

Anyway, he does not normally tell tales of days gone by. Especially when those days are his own. We hit that already, no? Well, Archibald’s reasoning is because it “dates the teller” of these stories. And Archibald is already dated to high Heaven! “Nostalgia is a poor garnishment. It’s fingering a weakness. It makes one look old, and I find that… unseemly. As age, you see, implies frailty, and worse than that a kind of pervasive fatigue. It makes people like you think people like me might not last.”

This isn’t a very good story at all! First of all, I see Archibald having the upper hand over the Miami Vice Don (Johnson) and, while I’m always QUITE CHARMED by Archibald’s silver tongue, what’s this crime boss afraid of? A guy who DIDN’T get the services he paid for? Pffft. Second of all, I don’t see a real point to this story other than making up for the lack of words in Issue #22!

Archibald starts talking about something called the Wheat War, and I can’t imagine a more boring thing to wage war over. Wheat? Go fuck youself, that is the WORST flavor of Chex. Before the Confederacy made prosperous trade deals with other lands, Archibald had smuggled in bootleg materials for the good of his nation (less that and more for the good of himself, of course)… behind his father’s back. It didn’t work, he had to answer to his father. His father was quite displeased. “Son,” his father had said, “when you set out to accomplish anything involving risk, you must always have one of two things prepared…”

“…an acceptable justification, or a plan to clean your shit up.”

East of West, Issue #23

Good question, sir. Allow me to direct your attention back to this 16’ x 16’ diagram showing Xiaolian Mao’s very naked feats of agility.

Wise words. Archibald didn’t have either prepared, the little snot nose, so his father whipped his ass ruddy. Just beat him with a belt within an inch of his life. We’re talking near death experiences, astral plane transcendences, diabetic comas, autoerotic asphyxiations, and three ghosts on Christmas Eve.

In short, why the FUCK is Xiaolian still alive? Give Archibald an acceptable justification! Clean your shit up! Get him your belt!

“It’s complicated,” Mr. Takashi responds, deflecting with ballsy stoicism. Archibald, equally stoic, asks the man to elaborate. The elaboration amounts to “we went over every single aspect of the plan with a fine-tooth comb, except for one measly little detail.”

“The willingness of her subjects to sacrifice themselves for her.”

Bullshit. But hey, good enough for now. right?. Mr. Takashi promises Archibald that their syndicate does not fail to complete any assigned task. Next time she won’t be so lucky! Heh heh. Right? Second chance, please.

“Well… that wasn’t the deal,” Archibald looks on with cold determination, “And it’s just now what my father would call an acceptable justification.”

He directs his Chief of Staff, his niece Constance, to lay out the situation for Mr. Takashi:

Archibald’s business partners in Imperial Japan are currently cleaning his shit up. The syndicate has been smoothly eradicated. All connections between it and the Confederacy have been erased.

“Leaving just one thing to tidy up,” Archibald points out.

East of West, Issue #23

Well, this doesn’t appear to be very tidy at all.

Takashi collapses on the floor.

“So… moving on,” Constance says professionally, checking her agenda, “I’ve cleared your calendar for the next two days. As, according to this thing you gave me, it appears you’ve been… summoned.”

Sounds good! Pack a bag, niecy, we’re going on a trip to the Chosen Land! And by that I mean we’re going to go talk to the really annoying members of that stupid club I’m part of.”

“Fear not. Dead men do not lie.”

An aircraft shaped like an X that is even more X-ier looking than an X-wing starfighter flies through the sky X-ily to a pyramid in the Kingdom. The pyramid is named “Guild Depository 5” and it’s split into three sections. Kind of like a food pyramid if you removed the sections of meat and dairy. And I will NOT, so don’t even talk about that anymore!

John Freeman Numero Ocho disembarks from his craft, right where X marked the spot, and gets stopped immediately by a talking sentry camera. “Identify,” it demands.

Freeman tells the thing to eat shit and the sentry lets him through. He instructs the computer to shut down all the recording devices, which the sentry happily obliges.

“It’s disarmed,” he speaks into a sweet 2065 Apple Watch, “You can approach.”

A blocky ship enters the area, the same one Lux flew to meet with the Endless Nation. There are no blocky ships on this planet that won’t contain Doma Lux! She is surrounded by Union mercenaries. Freeman recognizes her, but he does not know her. He wants to speak to LeVay! Give him LeVay! Where are you hiding that twiggy shrew?

East of West, Issue #23

“Chosen”, eh? Nice turn of phrase there, Madame President. You know he can’t resist the C-word.

Ah, that twiggy shrew pops on one of those neat Tupac holograms! She couldn’t be there in person for high-likelihood-of-death reasons! I’m sure Jonathan Freeman 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 would understand.

Freeman scowls and allows it. “Let’s get you people paid,” he says, inviting them through the doorway of his Pyramid Scheme.

The inside of this Guild Depository is some Cave of Wonders shit. Mountains of gold bars and coins. Some in the Kingdom say that financing the Union is a dumb move. HOWEVER, Freeman was able to pull some strings and get the Kingdom’s balance of their current holds, er, adjusted, so to speak. “We’re calling it a rounding error… and it comes out to around three tons.”

Nice. That’s a lot of Scratch & Wins!

“Hope you boys have been working out,” Freeman frowns at the Union mercenaries, “‘cause I’m not lifting a damn thing.”

So, the Union guys punch their clocks and take the next 30 hours loading up the craft. That’s 22 hours of overtime! I think a fucking strike is in order. Especially since, once they’re all loaded up, both Freeman and Lux gun down every last one with shotguns and pistols. Talk about treating the companions in accordance with such a trust, eh?

Freeman lets Lux board the craft and fly off with a cargo so heavy that she should honestly be crashing back down and pounding a 45-mile deep crater into the Earth four seconds after liftoff.

“You can come out now,” Freeman eyeballs the side of the pyramid, “I know you’re there.”
“If you knew I was here, why did you just go through with that?” a woman says, stepping out into view, “Whatever that was.”
“Why don’t you tell me what it looked like, Sharra?”

The Vizier is visibly upset. Vizierbly upset! It looks like a little boy not listening to his fat sack of a king father! But that can’t be it, can it? That would be downright idiotic if it were true. Just the stupidest thing to happen in this country since that one presidency from about 50 years ago.

Darn tootin’. Fuck the king, he smells like Pringles. Freeman wanted to show the King’s Vizier to show her who he really was, because all this time she seemed to have been in denial. Maybe be a little better at your job where you’re supposed to, like, notice details?

East of West, Issue #23

Take it to the king anyway! And here, give this to him while you’re at it! *presents a 30-pound bag of shit with a dollar sign on it*

Hey, if it’s any consolation, Freeman is glad that you decided to do this! That means you busted out through the confines of your job description! That means you care enough to give Pops a couple of middle fingers! That means we’ll be makin’ stains in the marital bed soon enough, yo! Doesn’t that sound like some of that good shit?

“That’s what this is about? You’re planning to overthrow the King? Aren’t you?” Sharra asks, eyes boggling out of their sockets. Overthrow the King? Elvis is dead, baby. Even those conspiracy theorists have to admit that by now. The dude would be 130 years old.

Freeman admits that, yes, he’s going to, heh heh, what was that? Overthrow the King? Yeah. Overthrow him right off a cliff.

Then do more.

East of West, Issue #23

Not so tough now are ya?? Blow my house down, will you?? You blow me I’ll blow you back!

Speaking of wrestling wolves, I’ve got a segue for you! We flashback to John Freeman 8’s good old days under Wolf’s wing. Wolf, as you may recall, is that white guy. You know the one. The Endless Nation white guy? You know the one. Death’s buddy.

Freeman tackles the wolf, and the wolf licks him on the face. “Uh-huh. But you shouldn’t bite off more than you can chew, John,” says the wolf, who slowly turns back into a nude wolf-like man. John Freeman took a lickin’, that’s for sure.

“I’m really gonna miss you,” Freeman tells his Wolf buddy.
“Yeah. I’m gonna miss you too.”

Endless Nation Pops sent someone to pick him up from Endless Nation Land. “I barely even remember the Kingdom,” Freeman says vaguely, lying on the grass and looking up at the sky. A crow lands on Wolf’s head. “What’s with the bird?” Freeman asks. “I dunno,” Wolf responds, “She just showed up the other day. Won’t leave. She likes me too much.”

Freeman doesn’t want to leave. But he must. For reasons. Something about Chosen and the Armistice and oh god make it all stop. And they’ll see each other again, of course, Freeman and Wolf. Maybe. It’s probably somewhere in the Message. On page fifty.

“I guess I’ll see you than, Wolf,” Freeman says, shaking hands.
“To the end of days, Brother,” Wolf says, also shaking hands.

Quite a coincidence that they were both shaking hands, wouldn’t you say?

Back at John Freeman’s Big Pyramid Scheme Adventure, Sharra wants to know what he means by the “then do more” part. What more could possibly be after usurping the throne of the Kingdom? Why, you silly goose, Freeman wants to usurp the throne of the whole world, you see! Gotta think big!

No! No no no! What the fuck, dude? Why are you bring me into this?! Me! Sharra! The Vizier! Loyal to the current throne, not some future throne! Cockamamie!

He asks her if she knows he has a brother. She’s like, no shit, you have a million brothers. Your dad fucks, remember? He’s like, no, those guys are the worst, I meant a real brother. Someone I actually like and wrestle nudely with. Heh heh, ok, stop looking at me like that…

Anyway, yeah, he’s a great guy. And now he’s, so to speak, lost. Once was blind, but now STILL blind. Here’s something else, Toots: he and Freeman are working toward something BIG with, like, a mustache guy and a beard guy and a woman with steel hands and a bald jerk and some other people they can’t remember at the moment. But, more than anything, Freeman is tired of not having what he wants.

And he wants the world. He wants to stop keeping secrets. He wants the Vizier. He wants her to be his queen. And he wants to tap that. Hard.

She responds with surprise. And then sadness.

East of West, Issue #23

Not anymore, creep.

And he wants to show her who he really is.

And, yeah, it’s gonna be something really shitty.

Final Thoughts

I’m looking forward to the showdown between Archibald and Freeman, where one pulls out a gun and the other talks incessantly and… yeah, never mind.


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