Calvin and Hobbes – February, 1986

Welcome to February, 1986! Halley’s Comet would come by Earth and almost slam into Mars, shattering it into seventeen trillion pieces! The Soviet Union launches the Mir space station in order to deal with that pesky Halley’s comet! The United States outlaws genocide! Good for them.

And Calvin continues to a little buttheaded pain the keister. At least there’s no genocide involved. Yet!

Calvin and Hobbes - February 4, 1986

February 4, 1986 – Hey, I think I saw that movie! I remember some Judd Nelson full-frontal shots.

There are a lot of really terrible age-inappropriate movies that Calvin wants to see over the years, but there’s nothing with a better title than “The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High”. Not only is it gruesomely graphic for something that was allowed to be printed in the Sunday paper (on a day when people go to CHURCH for Jesusfuck’s sake!), but I love how happy Calvin is just saying the name. Look at his eye in the second panel, it’s almost as if he’s blanketed in the warmth pure concentrated bliss.

He obviously wants to watch the movie to take notes. Mom made a good call here.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 11, 1986

February 11, 1986 – Nice try, buddy. Hobbes will risk his life on his own time.

There’s a not a single instance where Calvin boards his sled or wagon where a real child wouldn’t have died horribly. I think it’s ironic that these adventures always involve philosophical discussions when getting killed would render such philosophical discussions completely irrelevant for the two parties involved. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (no)

Calvin and Hobbes - February 14, 1986

February 14, 1986 – Next time Susie will hit Calvin in the back of the head with a shovel and REALLY prove her love.

Unless I’m mistaken, this is the only time where Calvin and Susie’s mutual fondness was this overt. Usually it’s like “I’m going to impale your butthole with a broom handle” or “You’re an atrocity of a piece of shit who will be alone forever” or “If you come any closer to me you will be President of the Sex Offender Registry”. The fact that this strip from 2/14/1986 exists makes it officially canon that Calvin and Susie would, in fact, bone each other’s brains out the very day puberty hits.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 15, 1986

February 15, 1986 – What six-year-old hasn’t done this?

Calvin’s not making any snow goons yet, but he has always been a very accomplished snowman builder in his own right! I mean, check this shit out right here: In the time it takes for Calvin to walk by, Mom to get suspicious, Mom to head upstairs, and Mom to open the bedroom door, he had already built an entire snowman. That’s, like, ten seconds maximum. That’s fucking respectable is what that is.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 18, 1986

February 18, 1986 – I’m guessing Bill Watterson had even more imaginative heavy metal band names than “Scrambled Debutante” in his back pocket, but the editors wouldn’t let him use anyone. If I had to guess, one of them was “Chainsaw Blowjob”.

I’m trying to guess what kind of music a band named “Scrambled Debutante” would even play. If violence, sex, and drugs are on the table, then I bet Mom or Dad already listens to this kind of shit. Dad goes to hardcore punk bars at 2am wearing denim jackets with straight edge Minor Threat patches and asks for wine coolers.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 23, 1986

February 23, 1986 – Stuff like this is probably why that one lady drove her kids into a lake.

The penultimate panel is worth the price of admission alone on this Sunday strip, not even minding the fact that Mom wants to pop the hood when we can clearly see the muffler falling right off the car in Panel 3. Check it out, Hobbes in the one honking the horn. Calvin is completely scot free on that one, and no jury would ever convict him for it.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 26, 1986

February 26, 1986 – Funding efforts for world domination begins with one quarter.

Dad has such a punchable face. Look at him holding that coin with smug satisfaction. I’ve mentioned this before, but you just know this is exactly how Watterson’s dad treated him too. All like “now son, you will need to spend 19 hours toiling in the talc mines before you can earn your shiny doubloon”. No wonder Watterson murdered his father in 1981.

Calvin and Hobbes - February 28, 1986

February 28, 1986 – A double feature with “The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High”.

I’ve tried this trick before, except I was on the top and my stuffed tiger was on the bottom!

Calvin has really great taste in movies. I bet I’d love the shit out of “Vampire Sorority Babes” because I’m an alpha male who isn’t cucked and I can run 1,000 miles without puffing.

Is February over already? Damn, looks like you’ll have to tune in next time for the worst Calvin and Hobbes feature any blog ever had!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 – “Home”

* Part 6 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 – “Krypton Lives!” In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, a woman named Obsession, who is dressed like Superman, distracts him with overt and constant sexual advances 250 feet in the air while the streets are terrorized by a group of teenage thugs who snorted a demon drug! Obsession dies and the teenage mutant ninja thugs are neutralized and everyone goes home.

In the previous issue of Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Clark takes Lois to Antarctica to see how his Fortress of Solitude and/or robot sentry version of himself is holding up. Both poorly. Lexcorp stole something from the area. There’s a lot of Kryptonian dinosaur fighting. John Henry Irons becomes Metropolis’ newest special crimes unit police officer piece of shit. Hey, on a side note, I’m watching Katy Perry on SNL right now. I was on an airplane back in 2010 and she was on the cover of a SkyMall magazine and I fell in love with her. I’m pretty sure I spent most of the flight fixated on that cover. I was 22 at the time if you must know. Sad stuff.

What? What happened? Where am I?

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 [January, 2000]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Home”

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

God, this cover. Still some of that residual ‘90s era EXTREEEME aesthetic.

Narration catches the audience up with Clark Kent. By that, you would probably think that the narrator explains what he’s been up to lately, but that is not the case. It’s literally explaining Superman, as in the whole PREMISE of Superman. “Behold Clark Kent, at first glance he would appear an average American…”

Yeah, I’m going to skip all that. Clark is grocery shopping and thumping some cantaloupes. He does a lot of ruminating about how ordinary his day has been so far. He starts thinking about flying down to Antarctica to visit his Fortress of Private Jerking Off, but he decides against it. It’s been a calm day, why ruin it again by being attacked by Kryptonian dinosaurs? He has been meaning to check out that new-fangled Sopranos show what been on HBO for a year dadgum it! Maybe he’ll cook Lois some of his famous Meatballs with Bacos and Twizzlers.

The narration gets Twilight Zone-y as Clark turns the key to his apartment. “What if at second glance the average American turns out to be not so average, after all? And what happens when his past catches up with him, destroying his illusions of normalcy?

Eek! Scary stuff!

Clark enters his apartment and it’s swathed in a blue-colored Kryptonian advanced-technology style! He is surprised, befuddled, and constipated about it!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Alexa! Do I have any new notifications?!

“<WELCOME HOME, MASTER KAL-EL,” the robot bloops in green Macintosh Computer font, “HAS YOUR MORNING BEEN PROSPEROUS?>”

Zip the fucking lip, nutsy boltsy. Clark recognizes those less-than and greater-than signs! That’s the Kryptonian language you’re speaking! “My home has been invaded, Kelex,” Clark shouts, angrier than I’ve ever seen him, “CLARK KENT’s home!”. George is getting upset! Referring to himself in the third person! “REPORT! What has happened here?”

“<Kelex now serves the reality, not the illusion, Kal-El,>” pipes in a voice from the doorway. This guy is dressed like a Star Trek authoritarian and he’s bathed in yellow light; from where I do not know. Maybe Clark has a sunroof? On the fourth floor of his 49-story apartment building? “<There is no Clark Kent… that persona is a fantasy. Kal-El, son of Krypton, is a fact.>”

Yeah? Who gives a shit?

This dude is the “Greatest Scientist of the Mighty House of El”, which means he knows how to tie his shoes in less than three minutes. His name is Kem-L, as in Jimmy Kem-L Live!, and he’s here to claim Clark’s soul.

So, long story short, it’s not a normal day after all, is it? Flashback to earlier in his “normal” day, before it was no longer normal. In this normal day, a couple of mean Transformers “slime” Clark with oopy goopy spoopy “optimum flow”. Not in front of the children, ok?

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Oh, you like it.

This stuff covers him and hardens, but that’s good! Because he can flex his big muscles (*flex*) and break it apart!

Here’s what I’ve noticed about Pulitzer Prize winner Mark Schultz’s writing: he likes to make Superman think every single thought out loud in a contrived manner so that the readers can be simultaneously bored and condescended toward. I can’t even find a picture of this guy online, which means he weighs 750 pounds and has been unable to leave his house since the release of Double Stuf Oreos.

“He took the good cradle to the grave in seven seconds! Impressive!” squawks Transformer #1.
“But the elastic resistance of the goop slowed him down,” responds the optimistic Transformer #2, “so let’s try the expando-gaskets.”

So they try the exando-gaskets. It comes in the form of energy rings. Superman continues to think his thoughts in complete sentences in what I call “bad writing”. “Geez! This is something the Toyman might create. The rings keep growing… tangling me up… to keep me off balance…maybe this is a chance to put some of the martial arts skills I’ve learned from Mongul to practical use…”

Sounds good, chief. You got this. I’m gonna go play some Super Mario World.

Superman looks smug. What else you got, you piles of scrap metal and oil and rust?! Well, sir, Plan C is next. THE SONIC-DISCOMBOBULATOR! Hope you don’t like having eardrums anymore.

Transformer #Whatever points his sound gun at Superman and shoots the sound bullets at him, which causes him to stumble backwards in pain! Like this: “W-WHOOOOA-A…!” His super-hearing is becoming super-impaired and he’ll need to get fitted for some super-hearing-aids.

He lands on his face like a nerd.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

MY MONEYMAKER! NOOOOO!!

The sound gun keeps making this squealing “EEEEEEEEE” noise that only Supermen and dogs can hear. He hates it! It’s messing with his chi! He scrambles and hobbles his way forward, attempting to crush the sound gun. He attempts to crush the sound gun. He crushes the sound gun.

Superman makes a dumb face of triumph as the two Transformers open up their Buzz Lightyear head bubbles and reveal themselves to be John Henry Irons and some lady.

“Yeah– auditory disorientation is pretty much across-the-board effective,” smiles Irons with lazy, smug eyes, “and thanks again, Superman, for helping us test the limits of these nonlethal prototypes…you’ve allowed us to gauge some very specific tolerances.”

Once again, a twist! Superman wasn’t being harmed, killed, maimed, folded, spindled, or mutilated! He was part of a plan the whole time!

Irons introduces his niece and assistant Natasha, who stands bowlegged in a lab coat, obviously starstruck. “Uh– Unk…” she says, either referring to her Uncle Johnny Hank Ironsy, or it’s just a gulpy reaction to being three seconds away from speaking to Superman. I’ve been known to utter an UNK in my day.

Superman asks what the fuck Unk Irons is doing in Metropolis. Last he checked his was slumming it up in New Jersey, gambling in Atlantic City and throwing rocks at the Statue of Liberty. Now he’s working for the pigs in town? Why? Well, sir, YOU’RE the reason! Superman inspired Irons to start reevaluating his life, and he’s been doing it ever since. Now his calling is weapons engineering. Don’t that beat all?

Sounds good! No more questions, your honor! Time to skedaddle! NEVER FEAR, UNDERDOG IS HERE! Etc.

Flashback over! That was a long flashback. I hope you got some popcorn while I wrote a War and Peace-length novel about it. We’re back in Clark’s electric blue apartment where Kem-L showed up to give him the business.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

My favorite Sonic the Hedgehog level was Phantom Zone!

Kem-L keeps berating Clark for not speaking Kryptonian, which is apparently just English with <> in between the words! Ha! I already made this joke earlier. But it’s still funny!

Anyway, Clark makes a good point. Kem-L died ten million dead universes ago. Is this some kind of Tupac hologram? Because, if so, it’s way more convincing. Remember when they did the Tupac hologram and everyone cried? Dumb.

“<I am the sum and intentions of Kem-L…>” explains this fake-ass Kem-L, “<…the true Kryptonian man… he who realized the highest aspirations of Great Krypton… the Protector…>”

Too many ellipses… And Clark isn’t fooled anyway. This is a projection of the Eradicator! They already talked about the Eradicator in the previous issue. But it was so convoluted and stupid that I tuned it out, and I will CONTINUE to tune it out. Kam-L tells him that he is not only the creator of the Eradicator, but he is also the recreation of the Eradicator! Tuned out as hell right now.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Oh Eradicator, you silly name-forgetting goose.

There’s a lot of nothing going on here, so I’ll paraphrase: Kam-L is offended that Clark seems to have assimilated too much to Earth and not maintaining his Kryptonian roots. Clark tells Kam-L to get the hell out of his house, and also off of his planet please. Kam-L is like “no” and offers to unbrainwash him back to an untainted Kryptonian well-being. Clark is like “no”, but Kam-L wants to perform the ritual of TORQUASM-VO, a mind-controlling ancient Kryptonian warrior art! Clark says this nonsense: “Torquasm-Vo! The theta state! I was forced to learn that consciousness control discipline in my battle to defeat Dominus.”

This is WAY worse than New 52 Action Comics. You made my shit list, Mark Schultz. You know what that means, don’t you? That means I look up a photo of you and make fun of it… … … … you look like six butts built a nerd out of butts. See, I found a picture of you after all you supreme doofus.

Clark accepts this stupid Orgasm-Ho warrior ritual and they both turn into weird robots and I’m changing the channel on this show.

Oh good, we’re moving on to something else anyway. Back at the Daily Planet, Jimmy Olsen cops to Perry White that he took the photo of Superman with the wedding ring. Don’t flog him, please. And also, who knows how the Daily Star got it? Not his fault!

Ok, and here’s more: yes, Jimmy photoshopped the ring out of the Daily Planet’s photo. Fuckin’ fire him if you need to, he can shine shoes and give handjobs in the subway station.

Perry leans over this kid as if he were a child (which, let’s face it, come on…) and asks why he, of all people, should decide what the public does and does not get to know. So, from now on, go fuck yourself with your photoshop! “The truth is our goal– and our greatest weapon,” Perry frowns, “We discard it at our own risk.”

However, even if it’s their job to present the truth, they can still “bury it at the bottom of page 37”. And that’s for Perry to decide, you little nerd. He’s very disappointed. He’s not going to fire you for some reason, though, so feel free to make more mistakes in future issues.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Yeah yeah, whatever sir. Thank you for not firing me, I still have four payments to make on this leather jacket.

Ugh, we return to our regularly scheduled love-in, aka “Torquasm-Vo”. During the fight, Kem-L keeps stroking Superman about his superhuman abilities that are definitely not Earthy so stop Earthing. And Superman is like “I’m from Earth, hello, and you may call me Clark Kent, thank you”.

OK! Good! We’re on Lois and Jimmy now. They’re attending a United Nations press conference with a panel full of Justice League members! Oh boy! Jimmy gets his camera ready. The floor recognizes Wonder Woman.

“The JLA has called this conference to quell the firestorm of speculation and innuendo aimed at the marital status of one of our own,” Wonder Woman holds up her wedding-ringed finger, “yes, Superman is married… as are all on this stage…”

They all lift their hands with rather smug expressions, if I do say so myself. PLUS, as it is further described, these wedding bands double as signalling devices! You see, this is the year 2000 so no one has iPhones yet. And pagers are wack. So there you go. Anyway, show’s over folks. No questions.

“That was blunt…” Lois reacts while thinking about how she gets to be reamed by one of the Justice League in her own home.

As they walk off stage, Green Lantern finds the absence of Superman odd. Steel (John Henry “Metropolis’ Own Narc Supreme” Irons) also finds it odd. Something’s up and fishy and not right and FISHY and stinks like fish.

This is funny: while Superman and Kem-L are fighting in Clark’s apartment, the downstairs neighbors think he and Lois are loudly fucking! It must have happened before. Anyway, Torquasm-Vo Torquasm-Vo Torquasm-Vo. Superman’s good at it, he shouldn’t be on Earth. Yes he is, thank you, and he should be on Earth. Blah blah blah.

This Eradicator nonsense has got to stop. “Think Clark, something had to carry the Eradicator program here. Something brought it to the apartment…”

AHA! EPIPHANY! Like the last ten minutes of an episode of House, Superman figures out something important that will save the little child with Stevens-Johnson syndrome…

Lois is coming home! She’s already in the hallway leading to the apartment! Clark had better figure out something pretty damn quick here, time’s a-tickin’.

Haha. Nope!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96

Clark! …where’s my dinner?!

“<Kelex…,” Kem-L breathes and huffs and puffs, looking right at Lois, “…eliminate this non-Kryptonian contamination.>”

This is probably what Lois heard: “SNARF BLARF SNAFF SMAFF.”

Clark begs for Kelex to stop, but Kelex begins to eliminate the very Lois-y non-Kryptonian contamination. Clark shoots it with Cyclops eyeballs and melts the robot just in time. Whew!

“Lois, you didn’t come a moment too soon. Now, think!… Did you bring anything back from the Fortress?”

No! Yes! No! Wait…yes! Wait, no! Yes! Maybe? No! I mean…oh, you mean the solid gold artifact that I happened to steal??

YES, GET THAT! GO GET IT! NOW! GET IT NOW! STOP STANDING THERE AND GO GET IT!

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, where is it? Did I throw it in the garbage? Did I throw it in the toilet? Did I dump it out a window? Did I bury it in the ground? Did I throw it off a bridge? Did I launch it with a catapult? Aha! Found it in my coat!

Clark destroys it! Let’s see if it works… yes! Just in time for the end of the issue! What are the odds? Kem-L is gone. The apartment is returned to its normal state.

Explanation? The object was a “carrier” that “infected” their home with a “Kryptonian nightmare”. I think I have a whole roomful of those in my own house, it would explain why I keep getting killed by aliens. Superman will stop at nothing to destroy the Eradicator.

…and the confrontation will come sooner than he thinks! The Eradicator is starting to descend toward Earth as we speak.

Final Thoughts

SNARF BLARF SNAFF SMAFF


Click here to ridicule this post!

Girl, Interrupted (1999)

Tagline:
The crazy thing is, you’re not crazy.

Wide Release Date:
January 14, 2000

Directed by:
James Mangold
Written by:
James Mangold, Lisa Loomer, Anna Hamilton Phelan
Based on the memoir by:
Susanna Kaysen
Produced by:
Douglas Wick, Cathy Konrad

Starring:
Winona Ryder
Angelina Jolie
Clea DuVall
Brittany Murphy
Elisabeth Moss
Jared Leto
Jeffrey Tambor
Vanessa Redgrave
Whoopi Goldberg

Girl, Interrupted

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Based on a true story. I had seen this movie once before back in 2011, when I was 23. This movie had been in the back of my mind for a decade for one reason and one reason only: Winona Ryder’s whole appearance, especially her haircut, had spurred the second-biggest movie crush I ever had in my whole life. The BIGGEST movie crush I ever had in my whole life, of course, was Christina Ricci as Wednesday Addams. I was three years old at that time and I never, ever recovered from it.

12 years ago I saw this movie. Almost as much time has passed between 1999 and 2011. I don’t remember much about Girl, Interrupted anymore other than I thought it was ok at the time. I completely forgot that Jared Leto, Whoopi Goldberg, and Elisabeth Moss were even in it. I was flipping through Netflix and stumbled upon it again, so I’ll give it another go. Now that my fiery passion for 1999-era Winona Ryder has calmed down, let me actually watch it and pay more attention to it this time!

THE 300(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Welcome to 1967. Winona Ryder plays Susanna Kaysen, a troubled recent high school graduate. After a nervous breakdown and an overdose of aspirin/alcohol, she gets forcibly checked into a psychiatric hospital with all sorts of crazy characters! Brittany Murphy (Daisy) is an OCD-addled, laxative-addicted, suicidal nervous nelly! Clea Duvall (Georgia) is a pathological liar! Elisabeth Moss (Polly) is a schizophrenic burn victim! Oh man, and here comes trouble: Angelina Jolie is Lisa, a manipulative, dangerous sociopath! She forms a bond with Susanna, who spends most of the movie jumpy and wary.

Girl, Interrupted - Dr. Crumble

Dr. Phillip W. Crumble established himself as one of Massachusetts’s preeminent psychiatrists by putting his foot in your ass!

Most of the movie follows Susanna’s daily life in the institution as she spends her 18-month sentence “recovering”. Frequent therapy sessions reveal Susanna’s diagnosis as borderline personality disorder, aka teenage promiscuity and lack of ambition, honestly. Valerie (Whoopi Goldberg), the head nurse, bounces between tough love and sympathetic kindness as Susanna continuously pushes her buttons. Lisa’s influence has causes Susanna to be hostile and uncooperative during the first few months of her stay.

Jared Leto plays Susanna’s sort of boyfriend. They had a fling and we learn he was likely going to get drafted into the military and die in Vietnam. That didn’t happen though. He shows up at the institution to try and goad Susanna into running away to Canada with him. She declines, having grown attached to many of her fellow psychiatric hospital inmates.

After a pretty grim scene where Susanna and Lisa break out for an evening to visit the newly-released Daisy. Lisa spends much of the evening ridiculing her, pushing her to suicide. This causes Susanna to drift apart from Lisa and, afraid of becoming like her, starts taking her stay at the hospital seriously.

Eventually, Lisa starts enacting revenge against Susanna for breaking things off. This culminates in a confrontational scene where Susanna stands up for herself and Lisa contemplates killing herself. She doesn’t! But, later, before Susanna is released, they patch things up. Bada bing bada boom.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Critical Opinion

I found it odd that Girl, Interrupted received both mixed reviews and four different awards for Angelina Jolie’s performance. This tells me that, according to opinion, Angelina Jolie was the movie’s only saving grace. Rotten Tomatoes shows a critics’ score of 53%. The average user score is 84%.

While my opinions of Winona Ryder as an actor aren’t terribly high, she did ok as an angsty, troubled teenager who was suddenly whisked away for no reason to live in a mental institution for 18 months. I have nothing negative to say about any of the rest of the supporting cast.

Except maybe Jared Leto because, uh, it’s fucking Jared Leto.

Girl, Interrupted - Toby

Remember me? You may know me as Morbius the Living Vampire in, you guessed it, 2022’s wonderful film Morbius.

Most of the criticism stems from the movie’s predictability and its less-than-satisfactory adaptation from the book. I can’t speak about the book, but I imagine the real Susanna Kaysen included a lot more social commentary in her memoirs. One watches the movie and possibly understands the misogynist message with respect to a woman’s mental health in the 60s. There was nothing about Susanna’s mental state that couldn’t have been worked on with weekly therapy sessions, obviously, and the same could be said for almost the rest of them. Maybe not Elisabeth Moss’ character, Polly, the schizophrenic who attempted suicide by setting herself on fire. The fact they were all dragged out of society instead shows the unwillingness to actually treat them as human beings.

The movie doesn’t do a very good job with presenting this particular theme. They instead focus more on Angelina Jolie’s “villainous” Lisa character and how the rest of the institution, staff and patients, deals with her. This includes solitary confinement, attempted ostracization, electro-shock therapy, all that fun stuff. Obviously a little excessive, but Jolie’s resistant reactions to these treatments and her petty, mean behavior toward everyone takes the front seat to the social commentary.

As far as predictability, I don’t think that detracts from the movie. You can see Brittany Murphy’s character’s suicide coming a mile away, but it’s still a shocking scene. Perhaps the last confrontation between Susanna and Lisa in the tunnels was both over-the-top and unrealistic, but what would you really expect from Lisa hearing (in very blunt fashion) everything about herself that she doesn’t actually want to think about? Sometimes predictability is better than a twist when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Girl, Interrupted - Susanna and Lisa

Do you have what it takes to rumble with the baddest ladies in McLean Hospital, where we’re constantly sedated against our will?

TOPIC 2 — Mental Illness

As someone who literally takes four different types of medication right now to curb anxiety and depression like some sort of UNSTABLE LUNATIC who should be DRAGGED OUT ONTO FIFTH AVENUE and shot in the face by FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, I found the movie’s portrayal of mental illness to be sympathetic instead of, you know, “heh heh look how CRAZY these women are, ha ha, WOOOOO”!

I know most people are self-conscious about the mental problems they may have, and I personally don’t give much of a shit what people think about me, but I imagine that I’d want to keep it all to myself if I were living in the 1960s right now. It sounds like professionals weren’t particularly helpful, and the only thing Susanna learned while she was checked-in was to get over herself a little bit and lighten up. That’s all she needed to do. Obviously, Brittany Murphy’s Daisy was checked-out prematurely.

Girl, Interrupted - Susanna and Daisy

Remember that episode of King of the Hill where Luann was checked into a mental health hospital in 1967? It was a good one!

With Susanna as the focus, having been eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, her mood swings and shiftlessness are explainable. Here’s what else is explainable about it: she’s still a teenager. A teenager with no sense of direction after high school. A teenager with no sense of direction after high school, leading to impulsivity, poor coping mechanisms, and dangerously poor self-worth. SEE! Give me my professional license!

(Note: I am in no way pretending to be any sort of psychologist of any form whatsoever. I took two classes in college. I don’t even know where the brain is located in the body!)

I’m not diminishing the diagnosis. I’m saying that there very obvious, easy things to look into to help her before throwing her in mental health jail!

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Angelina Jolie avoided any communication with Winona Ryder when making the movie, claiming that if she saw anything human about Ryder, she would not have been able to act out the sociopath character Lisa Rowe as effectively.
Oh, I see. “Method acting”. I was confused at first, since this is how I treat my coworkers on a daily basis. Except I don’t have to worry too much about the “see anything human” part.

The ice cream parlor the girls visit is Eckels Soda Fountain in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. The store even has a “Girl, Interrupted” sundae.
The sundae is mostly nuts! Hahahaha! Get it?!?! MOSTLY NUTS!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!!

Girl, Interrupted - Field Trip

The hospital lets the women out for 45 minutes per year so they can get ice cream in below-freezing weather.

Angelina Jolie revealed in an interview that she genuinely thought she was the only character who was sane in the entire film, and that’s how she played it. She said, “I was actually almost upset when people said I was so good at playing insane because I never thought she was insane. She was just incredibly honest, which, I guess, made her seem crazy.”
Yeah, sure, Jolie. Sounds like you just accidentally admitted that you avoided talking to Ryder for reasons other than “acting out a sociopathic character” to me. Pick a lane.

Courtney Love auditioned for the role of the sociopath Lisa Rowe.
Wouldn’t that have been something? She wouldn’t have had to act at all!

At the beginning of the film, Susanna (Winona Ryder) ponders: “Have you ever stolen something when you had the cash?”. Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting in 2002 after stealing close to $6000 worth of merchandise.
Yeah and she’s still a fucking baller for that move. Capitalism can go fuck itself, I agree. I’m only more attracted to her now.

Winona Ryder, Whoopi Goldberg and Kurtwood Smith all had at least one appearance in the Star Trek universe.
NERDS!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Maybe. There’s nothing essential except to see the hubbub about Jolie’s performance. From what I’ve read, it is advised to check out Kaysen’s book instead, which hits upon the points in a more direct and thought-provoking way.

And there are other movies that do a better job with topic of mental illness. I’m told. And when I actually watch any of them, you will be the first to know.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 – “Plasmids”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Legacy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 – “Plasmids”! In the previous installment, Nick Fury shows up at Peter Parker’s school to let him know that there’s nothing he can do about anything. Just please don’t kill him if Norman Osborn asks you to, ok son? That would be mean.

Parker tells Aunt May to not get involved with the Osborns anymore. The only Osbournes that Aunt May should be keeping an eye on are the antics of Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack! That was on TV in 2002! Seems like yesterday!

As Spider-Man, Parker confronts the Green Goblin. He doesn’t get anywhere with that. The Green Goblin kidnaps MJ. That’s a doozy, and likely what most of this issue will cover.

Remember when Ozzy Osbourne was all like “mprhm mphrmrrmhm muuuhhrm huumuhhhhh”? He was only 44 at the time! Funny stuff.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 [October, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Plasmids”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

MJ looks five kinds of dead on the cover. RIP. Should’ve just ignored Peter Parker in school like almost everyone else.

The Green Goblin stole Parker’s girlfriend right in front of his spidery, milky eyeballs. Harry Osborn, who was standing five inches away from her, is also horror struck.

Flashback to 20 minutes ago. Harry Osborn is undergoing a dimly lit, closed eyes, bedroom hypnosis session! Quite the sexy session, although he kept most of his clothes on, it seems.

“What does your father do for a living, Harry?”
“He is a scientist and a biochemical engineer.”
“Do you know what that means?”
“Not really. But we’re rich.”

I wish being an engineer made you rich. IN THIS ECONOMY? I sleep on a haystack.

“How did your mother die, Harry?
*pause*
“In a fire.”
“Did you see it happen? Could you have saved her, Harry?”
“I don’t know.”

…

“Your mother loved you, Harry. Your mother and father both love you. And with your father gone, your father loves you twice as much.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

Hypnotizing away daddy issues would be a multibillion dollar business.

“So, Harry, how are the rest of the students treating you now that you are back in school?”
“Uh– um… They, you know, some of them are fine, and others are weird.”
“What do you mean by weird, Harry?”
“Um, I think it’s the money, really.”
“You mean your wealth?”
“Yeah.”

Brainwashing seems to be over for now. Harry does on to explain that he has always been the richest kid in school, and the ones who care about his money aren’t really his friends anyway.

The hypnotist is named Dr. Warren, and he tells young Harry that he has a good attitude! Unlike those other rich teenagers in the country that only care that their friends want them to think they have money. What is money, anyway, other than bits of paper. A social construct! Economics is made up! And furthermore, w–

“In fact, my best friends are coming over for dinner tonight,” Harry continues with a hazy smile, “You should stay and meet them.”

Peter Parker and MJ Watson? Those nerds? Whatever you say, son. You should get some real friends. Rich friends! Friends that like your money.

Anyway, MJ’s been cool. Peter Parker’s been slightly weird, but I guess he has some personal shit he’s going through. Puberty pains. Peeing the bed. Dead Uncle Syndrome.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

Therapy worked! Just look at Harry, he’s looking the doc up and down, ready to jump his bones.

Dr. Warren immediately briefs Norman on his son’s session. He’s doing very well. He loves you unconditionally, like you’re Jesus or LeVar Burton. No nightmares in two weeks; his dreams are filled with visions of you and him holding hands and skipping through a flowery meadow. School’s fine. He still likes his autistic friends.

Norman asks if the “program words” are still there. Dr. Warren wants to discuss that with him…but later, because Normy Boy takes a phone call from his assistant. Whatsits, I keep forgetting her name *looks at notes, accidentally drops them in a volcano* …Ms. Brooke. Norman tells her to just come back without the Parkers, since they decided to snub his dinner invitation like rude people from rude Queens.

Please be sure to check out my new show, Rude Queens, on Bravo.

“At some point we’ll have to discuss the long term effects of Harry’s–” Dr. Warren begins, but Norman cuts him off. He cuts him off and cuts him off. Harry’s appendix is going to burst out his anus if he keeps this up, but Norman isn’t concerned one bit! It’s Goblin time! Yeah, goblin cock that is.

Norman goes to his office, pulls out a syringe full of that sweet sweet DNA-altering liquid, grabs his Goblin hood, makes his way to the rooftop of the high-rise, and sticks the needle into his goddamn neck. “Nnnn…AAH!” he sighs, smiling, suddenly in need of a change of underwear.

The syringe drops down the side of the building, assuredly impaling some poor kid’s head on the sidewalk.

This due writhes and grunts on the roof like a cow in labor. He Hulks out. His clothes rip off. All these ghostly apparitions in his vision cheer him on and/or complain with non-sequiturs like “You are death” and “Get dressed” and “Cellar door” and “My eyes itch”. They also alert Mr. Goblin Jones about Spider-Man’s appears with phrases like “He’s here” and “He’s still wearing the costume” and “He’s a mutant, he’s your son” and “Not a costume! That’s his skin. Alien mutagena!” Real schizoid stuff here. Totally normal and good.

We see the same scene from Issue #24, but this time it’s entirely from the Green Goblin’s point of view. We see why some of the Green Goblin’s responses made no sense. We see the reason for Spider-Man’s defensive and frustrated confusion. We also see how Spider-Man looks and speaks through the Green Goblin’s DNA-drug addled broken-brained mind! His speaking is distorted. His body looks nightmarishly bug-like and alarming. Disembodied voices pound into Norman’s head. I like this!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

New York City’s FAVORITE creepy bugface superhero!

“His blood is your blood.”
“Symbiote!”
“Fortune 500!”
“First blood!”
“Congeal!!”
“HE MADE YOU A GOD!”
“HE MADE YOU A DOG.”
“He made you a king.”
“Plasmids carry genes that are not needed under all growth conditions–”
“Downstream genes.”
“I love him.”
“Kill him.”
“Skin him.”
“Kiss him.”
“Hate him.”
“Hug him.”
“Burn him.”

Spider-Man is trying to ask him what he ever did to Norman in the first place, why the whole Green Goblin terrorist thing, why can’t just leave him and his friends and family alone.

“I want to scratch the eyes out of my head.”
“First blood. Scratch the eyes.”
“Tell him of the circles.”
“Don’t tell him who you really are.”
“The circles!”

And this is why Norman starts suddenly talking about circles. Circles of life, circles of death, etc. etc. I’m not going to rehash it here! All the same stuff, essentially. Just more horrendous this time!

The voices keep insisting upon the circles. The circles, man, the circles! Cellar door! Come on, now. Reconstruction of melanosome motility along microtubules! This is pretty basic shit.

They start to warn Green Norman about Nick Fury, that’s he’s comin’ to getcha! Then they say “Girl!” It’s all “Fury!” and “Girl!”

And, thus, in a stunning anticlimax, Green Goblin skips and cavorts down the side of the building and scoops up MJ and here we are all over again. Spider-Man shoots his cute little webs and swings around town chasing Ol’ Greeny while MJ screams. Making a big scene.

Spider-Man is hootin’ and hollerin’ trying to get Nick Fury to show his ass NOW! and help save his girlfriend LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD! That good for-nothing one-eyed Jack! That horrible bald dingleberry!

“You’ve got to stop this. You’ve got to stop,” Spidey frantically flails as he lands on the roof where Goblin Sir waits. “Peter, please…” MJ begs, tears running down her face, “Please help me.”

Nope! Green Goober drops her.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25

Now I’m freeeeeeeee … Free faaaaalllin’

A helicopter arrives on the scene. Spidey dives toward his damsel in distress. She falls. He falls. She’s somewhat in shock. He’s determined to save her. And I’m hungry! I’m always hungry. Maybe I should get a snack. Oh wait, let’s see what happens here first.

Spidey is close enough to shoot his web spooge. It catches her foot. She’s an inch from the East River. The filthiest river in the northeast United States! Remember when Kramer swam in that river? I do. Everyone told him not to, and he didn’t listen! He didn’t listen! And now look at him, throwing slurs with reckless abandon! How topical.

Anyway, he saves her and starts bounding around the streets looking for a good place to check in. She’s unconscious. Or dead. PROBABLY unconscious, but she could be dead. Hard to tell the difference sometimes. Better throw her in a casket just in case.

We don’t get to know yet. This issue is over.

Final Thoughts

MJ’s not dead, you guys. We still need to keep that Gwen Stacy love triangle on a rolling boil!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Delicate Steve, Gabe Gurnsey, and Guided by Voices

Hey, two weeks in a row! That’s awesome! Here are 2022 releases from Delicate Steve, Gabe Gurnsey, and Guided by Voices.

Delicate Steve – After Hours
(July 8, 2022)

Delicate Steve - After Hours

Delicate Steve plays delicate music. I must say I love the moniker. Reminds me of Steely Dan without the deliberate dildo reference.

This is pleasant instrumental surf rock and jazz fusion that serves to accomplish nothing more than demonstrate the interesting palette of guitar tones and rhythmic soundscapes for, I imagine, groups looking for session musicians. While I don’t fully intend to criticize the music in this way, I can’t help but feel like After Hours is an audition tape. Steve Marion (Delicate Steve himself in the flesh) sounds like he spent half the day jamming with a band and cherry-picked some of the best bits.

The problem I have with this piecemeal approach that I perceive here is that a track like “Find My Way”, with inoffensive funk guitar, smooth jazz guitar tones, VERY repetitive song structures, and safe major key chord progressions, is essentially a soundtrack for the Weather Channel. There is no one on Earth younger than 68 who is actively listening to something like this unless they’re practicing the guitar themselves. Some may find this to be perfect background music, but I don’t. I’d throw on a hundred things over this. I’d throw on actual jazz.

The guitar playing itself is disappointing. It’s all dreamy, sunset-gazing soft rock melodies. There are no interesting progressions, or adventurous detours, or even, godforbid, actual displays of emotion. I wouldn’t even call it noodling, because “noodling” implies some level of improvisation. This guitar playing is tightly structured and easy, leaving no wiggle room for spontaneity or even a little excitement. Everything is sterile. The moods aren’t genuine. I feel put upon.

There’s no point in singling out any individual tracks, because all 29 minutes are the same. You may as well put Track 1 on repeat while cleaning your living room. If you LOVE Chick Corea, don’t pass this up. I don’t like Chick Corea.

Sorry, Delicate Steve. I know we are kindred spirits because we both have the same Zappa tattoo on the same location on our arms, but mine is better than yours. And so is Zappa’s music.

Early Verdict:

Gabe Gurnsey – Diablo
(September 9, 2022)

Gabe Gurnsey - Diablo

I’m the last person to ask about electronic music. I don’t know the different between techno, house, breakbeat, microhouse, minimal techno, deep house, jungle, IDM, Detroit techno, Chicago house, acid trance, glitch, witch house, deconstructed club, Birmingham sound, I could go literally go on and on. Electronic music is a tough nut to crack for someone raised on classic rock and post-punk. I think you have to have this kind of music in your bones to be able to truly appreciate nuances.

I know what I like, though. And I like this. I’m a big fan of Factory Floor’s debut album from 2013. Gurnsey and Nik Colk Void made an ideal team, all the more evident after they both went their separate ways and pursued solo careers. It’s clear that Gurnsey brought techno positivity, and Void brought the creepy industrial sensibilities to their collaborative project. And you can read more about Void from me later this year! I promise! She released an album too!

While Gabe Gurnsey’s first effort Physical left me cold, the vocal-work from Tilly Morris on Diablo adds an immersive, surreal richness to the infectious beats that were less present on the more hard-hitting debut. Synth pulses and delicate weavings of soft electronic bleeps and bloops. The result is a dreamlike album, hypnotic like a dose of NyQuil while being peppy enough to keep you awake for an active listen. It’s an interesting effect.

Again, this genre of music is not my forte. I like what I hear from the first track, “Push”, which is a perfectly accessible opener to get you in the mood for an album’s worth of drug-addled dance club backroom fuckin’. I also like what I hear from “You Remind Me” and those ethereal, breathy ascending triplets from Morris. I also like the high-pitched and bubbly melodic lines from “I Love a Sea on Fire”. Track after track of this interesting, off-kilter dance music reminds me of the kind of music James Murphy would make if he wanted to make the soundtrack to a European orgy. And don’t count him out on that just yet.

Anyway, this is good. Listen to it.

Early Verdict:

Guided by Voices – Tremblers and Goggles by Rank
(July 1, 2022)

Guided by Voices - Tremblers and Goggles by Rank

Hey! Guided by Voices already released an album in 2022. You mean to tell me that ROBERT POLLARD is prolific? What an asshole!

Two proper albums in 2022, with a ’90s collection of rare tracks coming by the end of the year. 38 albums with Guided by Voices, 22 albums under his own name, four Suitcase boxsets compiling 400 unreleased tracks, and a thousand other albums and collaborations. Fuck this guy. Fuck him.

OK, well, I find it difficult to review an album when the same band already put out an album in the same year. The first one got to be analyzed on its own merits; the second one gets to be compared to the first one. And if you’re Robert Pollard, and your consistency is unparalleled, at what point does one just kind of…stop critiquing the work? Tremblers and Goggles by Rank is yet another 21st century installment of catchy melodies, semi-lo-fi production, and perplexing lyrics from Guided by Voices. A welcome addition to an already storied catalog! If Robert Pollard is your favorite artist, you’ve got to be in heaven.

All right, fine. If I have to choose a standout track, I’d pick “Goggles by Rank”. Mostly because it’s the one that gets stuck in my head, but it also reminds me of how much I like Pollard’s voice. He kind of has this Bowie quality; not the best singer, but he’s able to steal a room. Also, he’s the most Bowie-esque singer out of Ohio there ever was. That’s gotta count for something.

OK. “Review” over.

Early Verdict:


Click here to ridicule this post!