Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #21 – “Hunted”! ‘Tis the finale of the story, yes sir, yes sir. In the previous installment, the big boss fight happens between Spidey and Octopussy. This ends with Spider-Man snapping off one of Ock’s robot arms. All of Spidey’s limbs remain intact! For now.
But, just when he thinks he gets a break, Boss #2 pops out of the woodwork for a tussle. Now it’s Kraven’s turn, and he’s oily and fully-medicated. Whoops, I meant meditated! Haha. I’M the one who’s fully-medicated, hee hee, wheeeee…
Justin Hammer is dying in his limo, I think. But I don’t care about that.
Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #21 [June, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hunted”
Good goddamn, that’s a terrible cover. I wouldn’t buy that off the comic store shelf, it looks like an erotic Highlander story.
“Our time has come, insect. Our battle is now.” Kraven declares to Spider-Man, who was bitten by a spider, not an insect.
“Uh huh. Whatever. Actually, why don’t you and your little buddies help me get this girl out of the car because I think she’s in shock or something.” Spider-Man waves off Kraven’s offer by, like, being a voice of reason at the moment. Spidey peeks through the sunroof of the totalled car. Hammer is probably dead, heart attack or something. He was old and Southern and loaded with chicken and waffles and mint juleps and his poor old heart could take being whipped around by a bloody robot octopus.
Spidey turns to Kraven again and asks him to grab her after Spidey works on ripping the door off. But Kraven’s not listening, he’s got a feral focus in his eyes. “We will do battle!” he says again, much to Spidey’s bewildered amazement.
Hey…maybe you don’t want to get that luxurious lion coat dirty, right? Looks like you’ve been up all night conditioning it.
So battle they do, apparently. Over and over again, Kraven does the same “HUYRRAGGH!”, with the same letters, in the same font, each time he leaps and takes a swing. Meanwhile, Spider-Man just dodges with lines like “come on, man” and “seriously?” and “I am in NO MOOD!” and “what is wrong with you?”. Finally, Spidey grabs an arm mid-swing and flips Kraven on his back with little effort.
Kraven bumps his head against a parked news van hubcap. He’s out cold now. The cameras go nuts.
“I told him not to. I told him to stop it…you all saw.” he flails desperately to the members of the press. Kraven’s pimple-faced agent rushes to Kraven’s side to try to get some words out of this lump. “Sshhleepy…” is the only word he says, you know, so that the reading audience doesn’t think Kraven is dead, bumping up the parental guidance ratings on Ultimate Spider-Man another notch.
Spidey calls him a wuss, and goes back to attending to the patrons of the car that was damaged by Act of Octopus. He gets the woman out of the car safely, prompting claps from various news bigshots such as TRACI “THE STILT” HALE and BEN “THE STILT” ULRICH. Finally, after months of trying to win everyone’s affection, he succeeds! It’s heartwarming, to be sure. He gets a little bit moist in the pants over it, I believe. His responses lack grace: “uh, thanks, ha, uh”
Hale approaches the Young Spider with her hard-hitting questions:
“Did you know Justin Hammer?”
“No.”
“But he trashed you in the press– he tried to blame you for all this–”
“Well, yeah– but that has nothing to do with this.”
Spidey gets his opportunity to offer his own first-hand accounts of the controversies that surround him, but he doesn’t take it. He tells the press that he doesn’t want to answer more questions. He’s still salty about all the bad PR. “Be sure to return the favor by calling me a mutant freak or blaming this whole thing on me or something.” he shoots back when thanked for helping out.
Hale continues to try to talk to Spidey as he attempts to scurry-scatter pitter-patter away; tries to coax him into giving the viewers more information. Something they can really chew on, see? Some real juicy backstory. They’re live on air, after all! Come on, buddy!
On my planet, one mate can eat the other if they both consent, but it’s kind of tough in one of those directions.
Spidey is surprised to learn that not only is he on television right now, but he’s been on television since he showed up! Sounds kind of fun! So, not missing an opportunity to continue hamming it up, he pops up in front of the camera and gets cute with it.
But, eventually, he composes himself and actually gets earnest. “I’m just, like, this guy – and I fell backwards into some powers – And I’m trying to do what I can so that people like that *motions toward unconscious Doc Ock* don’t try to hurt people like you. *motions toward definitely-conscious Hale*”
When asked about the mask, he assures everyone that there’s no big conspiracy or anything. It’s all about safety. He has family and friends, loved ones, just like everyone else, and he wants to make sure they’re protected by his desire to maintain anonymity. Wilson Fisk already tried a public unmasking, and it didn’t end well for him, so don’t even think about it Traci Fucking Hale.
MJ is sitting watching the news on her bedroom floor, in her bare midriff tank top and her yoga pants, positively beaming at this sprat.
“…even though my wearing the mask might have idiots like that *motions toward unconscious Kraven* trying to use me to get attention for themselves…and people like that load J. Jonah Jameson at the Bugle trying to use me to sell papers by trashing the crap out of me all the time…I – I just don’t care.”
And why doesn’t he care? Because dead-as-a-doornail Uncle Ben once told him those legendary words: “Hamburger Helper is good on eggs, plus you can pretend that the Hamburger Helper glove mascot is jerking you off!”
And those are good words to live by!
Finally, Spider-Man zips away. Hale returns to the camera to sign off and declare that Spider-Man isn’t the local nuisance everyone thought he was (hard disagree there).
Now the news crews take their attention to the Kraven tour bus of bead curtains, scented oils, and ugly, used haram pillows. The police have Kraven surrounded, and intend to take him DOWN TO CHINATOWN, which, according to the second Urban Dictionary definition, means they’ll offer him an evening of heroin and gay sex! And color me totally jealous, except for the heroin part.
Fun’s not over! S.H.I.E.L.D. barrels on down to the scene now to scoop up Doctavious Octocontrabass. Traci Hale and Ben Ulrich stick around to get more of the story, but Agent Carter shoos these pesky flies away. Show’s over, folks. Go home and get some Hamburger Helper.
I was waiting up all night, hoping we could have a diplomatic conversation over a delicious bowl of plastic fruit.
Peter Parker tries to sneak home, but Aunt May happens to be still up about nine hours past her usual bedtime. Uh oh! Forgot to dose auntie’s Irish coffee with Ambien again.
He tells her he was pulling a late night at the Daily Bugle. “Really? Because I called over there and they said you hadn’t come in all week.” Whoops! Busted!
He starts doubling down, saying that he keeps a low profile! Plus, he’s faceless to most of them! Yeah! They wouldn’t know me if I was standing in front of them, lightly kissing their noses! Hahaha! Uh…
Aunt May stands straight up in her ass-whuppin’ pose. Peter looks terrified. “Is this a bruise?” she asks, grabbing his arm. “I fell at the school,” he stammers. Sure buddy, did you get that black eye “falling at the school”? Are you collecting child-support from all the damages incurred from your last few months of “falling at the school”?
Parker’s backed into a corner here. Time to play the hanky-panky card. “I was with Mary Jane. I didn’t want to get you mad.”
Not off the hook yet. “MARY’S HOUSE IS THE FIRST PLACE I CALLED!” May bellows, cracking windows, wine-glasses, Uncle Ben’s urn. “Do you think I’m stupid?!”
But MJ tried her best to cover for this insolent little dandiprat. “I swear to God, Peter, if I find out you’re into some kind of mischief with those idiot friends of yours at school…” she starts, but Peter smirks at this. And I already know why! What friends?! Maybe Aunt May is stupid.
May goes from angry to worried. Certainly, Peter, her husband is dead. We’ve been over this already. She can’t lose you either. For some reason.
Oh no! How am I supposed to greet the neighborhood every morning at 6am with my rousing version of Reveille??
So guess what, Buster? Now you’re grounded. “No more Bugle!” she cries, checking one item off the list. “No more Mary Jane giggle-thons in the basement,” she orders, checking off item two. “You go to school and you come home from school. A straight beeline to and from.”
So yeah, typical stuff here. Parker’s mad. Life’s unfair. My Spider-Man underwear needs to be washed and now this. Yadda yadda. Otherwise, the next time this happens it’s the police she will be calling first. You don’t want cops in your life, kid. Unless you’re buddies. Then you can commit all the crimes you want. Until then, though…
Parker storms to his bedroom and clicks on the TV. And I do mean “click”. It looks like the old Sylvania double-knob TV my sister had in 1992! Traci Hale’s broadcast is currently airing even though it’s 3am and the only television that’s on at 3am are Ron Popeil infomercials and reruns of Howard Stern on E!
“This was an amazing night here at Hammer Industries: Justin Hammer dead of a heart attack at age sixty-seven,” Hale smiles, “Spider-Man selflessly battling odds obviously not in his favor against both Otto Octavius and syndicated television personality Kraven the Hunter…”
Parker grins like a goon as Traci Hale ticks off Spider-Man achievements of the evening. Finally! He’s the big time super hero he had dreamt of becoming!
And he’s also a grounded child to boot!
So eat that shit for breakfast.
This is the end of the storyline, which means we need a teaser! And what a teaser it is! Doc Ock is contained in special S.H.I.E.L.D. laser-armed cell. Robot arms stymied by laser arms. He’s slumped against the wall, eyes wrapped in a blindfold, muttering vaguely about spiders. Here, have a picture:
…doesss….whatever a spider can…..
Agent Carter doesn’t consider this a win. This was a very public fiasco, apprehending Doc Ock and returning him back to their government lab in front of live cameras, while he was unconscious at the hands of Spider-Man, who now has a positive public image! BOO! We’re supposed to be better than this! Nick Fury is going to be FURY-OUS!
Look on the bright side, though: Hammer’s operation has all but ceased. All those genetic experiments are now dead in the water. “We’ve done worse.” says Agent Woo, who I’ve decided to finally call by name for the first time ever .
Agent Carter looks at the drooling bowl cut freak.
“No we haven’t,” she responds flatly.
Carter and Woo walk away, sharing their respective evening plans of drinking themselves stupid and passing out.
Doc Ock continues to blither and blather as the two agents fade into the background.
“Spider-powers. Spider-Man with Spider– oh. Oh– oh no. No no. I know who he is. I – ugh – I know who Spider-Man is. His name is P-P-P– Parr– Parker. His name is Parker.”
The final shot shows Ock drooling like a ninny.
Final Thoughts
NEXT ISSUE: THE RETURN OF THE GREEN GOBLIN!
Well, ain’t that a corker! Willem Tha Foe returns in the next storyline! Cool!
I can’t wait!
But I will!
Because I have other stuff to read right now!
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