Paper Girls, Issue #2

Paper Girls, Issue #2

* Part 2 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 1 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #2! In the previous installment, a paper girl named Erin meets up with three other paper girls in the early morning following Halloween: Mac, KJ, and Tiffany.

Once Tiffany’s expensive walkie-talkie gets stolen by, presumably, hooligans, the four of them discover some weird shit in the efforts to get it back. A strange piece of spacecraft in the basement of new house construction. A barely audible hum that can be heard throughout the neighborhood. Unearthly men speaking an odd language. An object with an Apple logo on it.

And now you’re caught up.

Paper Girls, Issue #2 [November, 2015]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #2

Welp, Mac’s holding a gun on the cover. Shit’s gonna get real. Hasn’t she been watching the news these days?

There’s a splash page with a phrase written in the mysterious alien language. It’s just like Futurama where they pepper in those signs written in Alienese and you can decode if you’re a 13-year-old nerd who has time for that. I’m a 34-year-old nerd; I don’t have time for that.

The sky is cloudy and purple. A lightning storm is visible in the distance. A creepy hooded figure runs past a house with a “GEORGE BUSH FOR PRESIDENT ‘88” sign on the lawn. He’s cradling a small sack in his arm. Maybe there’s a kitten in it!

He has those strange triangle pupils. Clearly, this is one of those guys. You know the ones. The ones with triangle pupils who steal little girls’ walkie-talkies. He hops a fence into a yard and stops short once he hears the strange hum. The hum goes “VUR VUR VUR VUR VUR VURRRRRR” and it’s coming from the dang purple sky. And it looks like some kind of tear in the space-time continuum is all sorts of happening.

Paper Girls, Issue #2

Scientific progress goes “VURRRRRRRRR“

Now, this triangle-pupiled bastard already looks terrified as it is. He kind of has this permanent “AHHHHH!” look, but this rip in the sky really scares the shit out of him. And with good reason, since an enormous dinosaur-like leg steps down onto the ground. The scared alien dude says an unknown five-letter word (possibly “fuuck”), drops the sack, and tries to get the heck out of dodge…

,,,but it doesn’t work. This guy gets nabbed by whatever space beast this is, gets killed, blood everywhere. It is revealed that the sack was full of various electronic devices, some anachronistic, including, but not limited to, a cordless phone, a couple of flip phones, an iPad, and Tiff’s walkie-talkie. The beast grabs the walkie-talkie!

It’s morning now. Well, it was morning before, but now it’s sunrise morning. The girls return with Erin to her empty house, which Erin finds unusual considering her sister Missy usually waits for her to go to school. “After all the insane crap going on? Your family probably got the hell out of Stony Stream,” says Mac. Don’t forget, Mac’s the tough guy.

KJ gets distracted by a candy bowl replete with full-size Hershey bars, amazed that Erin has one of the good Halloween houses, but Mac tells these girls to fuckin’ focus! The town is overrun by crazy triangle eyeball weirdos who get weirded out by the weird humming. Erin thinks these are just normal dudes with Elephant Man syndrome, or that Rocky Dennis kid.

Paper Girls, Issue #2

You know, Eric Stoltz? He got fired from Back to the Future because he sucked?

The sound of laughter, or maybe heavy breathing, comes through Tiff’s non-stolen walkie-talkie. Someone on the other end is jerkin’ it! Gross! Mac picks up the phone to call the police, but there’s no dial tone. Just an emergency broadcast signal. “I’m telling you, everybody must have gotten the order to evacuate,” insists Mac, who wants nothing more than to get on her bike and pedal 100 goddamn miles away from this shithole suburb.

An unnerved Erin still doesn’t believe that her family would just up and leave without her, but Mac’s already thinking ahead here! Keep up, sister. “We should get to my house. My dad has a gun.” Good thinking, Mac! Start shooting bullets into things ASAP.

Here’s where Erin starts getting high and mighty about their roles with respect to the news. Their jobs are just to deliver the news. They don’t report the news. They don’t get involved with the news. They don’t even listen to Huey Lewis and the News! “If we see bad stuff happen, we’re supposed to stay back and let the adults handle it.”

Paper Girls, Issue #2

Well uh I suppose I can’t argue if you put it that way, I guess.

Mac doesn’t like the idea of staying back and letting the adults handle it. Time to get a gun, bitches! Who’s with me? KJ and Tiff raise their hands, and Erin continues her sad-sacky apprehensive disposition. Peer pressure is a really killer though. Next thing she knows, she’s biking alongside them again.

Erin hangs back with KJ and asks her opinion on whether or not these alien dudes are monsters. “Maybe they’re, like, some kind of nuclear mutants the Russians sent here from Chernobyl,” KJ postulates. That’s a pretty sound hypothesis. Maybe we can get Jared Harris to look into that.

Perhaps they’re not from The Land of Zelenskyy. Perhaps they’re from somewhere even farther away. Erin pulls out the little device with the Apple logo on it, the one that looks like one of those square, screenless iPod Shuffles. It’s the same logo that’s on her school’s ugly green-screen Macintosh computer. “I’ve been thinking, what if this is some kind of…micro version of it?”

KJ thinks that’s wack! How can you fit a whole computer on a little square like that? Dumbshit. Well, guess what honey, back in the ‘50s a computer used to fill an entire room and it only had a 2kB harddrive. Now look at how technologically advanced they are! In another 30 years, computers will just be nanobots burrowing into your skulls like terrifying brain worms. Don’t tell me a future computer can’t fit on a square. Did you see the Apple logo??

Now who’s talking crazy talk! KJ points out that time-traveling nerds seem a little more unlikely than monsters. At least monsters are real. And furthermore–

Mac tells KJ and Erin to cork it. She can’t hear herself think. They’re supposed to be looking for…you know. Something.

Tiff is the first to find something, all right. There’s a crazed werewolf standing motionless in the middle of the street, catatonic with crazed animal fury. It’s wearing a cargo jacket over a Guns N’ Roses Appetite for Destruction t-shirt, fashionably ripped jeans, and some hella Air Jordan III’s.

Why, it’s just Wallace Bund from 8th grade. He wore that mask to school yesterday.

“Why’s he just standing there like a creep?” asks Mac.
“He’s kind of a creep,” says Tiff, and she gingerly approaches the creep against the wishes of her compadres. She can tell it’s really him, he reeks of Drakkar Noir.

Paper Girls, Issue #2

Thattaboy…nice doggie…

Erin is losing her shit. Gritting her teeth, she begs the rest to just forget about Werewolf Boy and keep on moving. Tiff gets her hand close enough to get it bitten off, but then the strange humming starts up yet again. This time they dart their heads around, trying to locate the source of the sound. Erin looks up and sees a massive, violent storm above them. Just an electrified torrent of violet-pink light, swarming with weird pterodactyl-type dinosaur creatures.

“What. What the fuck?” Mac breathes. It’s time to get their asses inside, but Tiff needs to see what’s up with Wallace Bundhole…

…but he’s gone.

Mac starts booking it to her house and urges the three of them to follow her or she’ll rape their faces! Probably.

The storm continues as they all lay low in the foyer of Mac’s disheveled homestead. “You think any of those flying things saw us?” asks Erin, nervously, trying to get what little reassurance she can get.

If they did, they’re not coming for them. Yet.

Mac rummages through a closet looking for supplies. She’s a Girl Scout you know. Don’t laugh or she’ll punch you in the face so hard you’ll be chewing food through the teeth now lodged in your butt.

Hey, here’s a refreshing sight for sore eyes! A drunk lady lumbers into the room, clutching a bottle of Rumple Minz peppermint schnapps! She obviously doesn’t like Mac.

Paper Girls, Issue #2

Ahh, the good ol’ suburban ‘80s.

“I don’t know, which part of not drinking don’t you understand?” spits back Mac to her hazy, shitfaced stepmother. “What difference does it make now? Don’t know if you and your friends have noticed, but the G.D. world is ending,” Alice slurs, eyes half-open.

Erin tries to be polite, lets Alice know that they and Mac are trying to hide in the house until the coast seems clear. Alice tells Erin not to call her ma’am, starts mumbling sadly about demons from Hell and the like.

“Alice, where’s my dad?” asks Mac, the vulnerable fear creeping in.
“He’s gone. Forever.”

Well that’s ominous.

“I was dozing next to him in bed when this, this awful sound woke us both up, and then…then I watched my husband just, just vanish. Disappeared into thin air.”

Just like Wallace Bunderpants.

This is just like The Leftovers with Justin Theroux! Apocalypse! The Rapture! He was a good man, Mac, your daddy, he went to heaven with all the other goodins’! Not us, though, we’re all wicked and evil. We’re stuck to suffer through the end of this dumb world.

“See, ‘cause of Dukakis and…and all those people, we’re finally living through that Bible thing that predicted this was gonna happen,” Alice continues to somberly mutter. Mac’s starting to get annoyed. Then Alice pulls out a fucking gun and starts pointing at twelve-year-olds. “There’s only one thing the Lord wants us to do here, you understand that, right?”

Paper Girls, Issue #2

And to think, Mac’s dad married this one because she was more fun.

Gettin’ serious now! With the gun aimed at Mac, Erin tries to talk some level-headed sense into this drunkard evangelist. She tries to explain that what’s going on outside has nothing to do with God. She should know, she goes to Catholic school. “Yeah, I thought I knew everything when I was your age, too,” Alice says, gun still trained on her stepdaughter.

She starts waxing nostalgic ‘bout 1965, remembering her own preteen years and how badly she wanted to grow up when everything would be better. But that’s the big shitty joke about life, kids. It actually is better when you’re younger and carefree. Being an adult sucks!

Good thing you girls will never know! Well, bye!

“DON’T!” Mac screams and knocks her hand away. No bullets go off. Not yet, anyway. “You can’t do this!”

“I have to, sweetheart,” Alice sniffs.

“But, I love you,” Mac starts crying, “Mom, I lo–”

BANG!

The other three girls stare ahead in shocked horror.

And we don’t know what happened yet. That’s the end.

Final Thoughts

Uplifting! Sounds like it’s just going to keep getting worse! Buckle up!


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Sucky Funnies for June 6, 2022

Sometimes I read through the Sunday comics and I can’t believe how many of them there actually are. So very many strips drawn by by hyperactive nerds, all gunning for real estate on pages of newspapers in the biggest cities in the country. It’s a competitive market!

And the bar is really low. That’s the sad

Daddy Daze

Daddy Daze - June 6, 2022

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This premise is too insane to be humorous. I think the dad from Daddy Daze needs to get a babysitter for at least seventeen days, find a hotel, hire a prostitute, and get some sleep for a couple of weeks. That would do him a lot of good. And then afterward, if he’s smart, he’ll disappear off the grid completely.

agent222: “I have even overseen $18510 just inside essentially working position through home PC.^er81^Since I’d lost my past vocation, I was so disrupted and fortunately I found this simple web-based task that is the reason I can procure thousand USD just from my home.^er81^Everyone can positively sing up this simple work and could make more dollars internet investigating following connection.”

Ha! The only comment that Daddy Daze gets is spam. Very telling.

Judge Parker

Judge Parker - June 6, 2022

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Is Judge Parker supposed to be at all funny? What are they going for here? Undercutting the bizarre drama with snark in order to keep the irrevocably dwindling audience present and attentive? They have to do better than that! I suggest shoehorning in a cat who likes lasagna. That has proved to be effective with focus groups.

Mom: “‘Judgmental Parker’”
William Thompson: “Good. More of the Judge Parker conversations should end so quickly, if not before they start.”
Bob Tice: “If cutting-edge theoretical physicists are right that there is a multiverse, does that mean that there is at least one universe in which every single conversation anyone has is punctuated with at least one smart-aleck remark that is utterly inappropriate to the context of the discussion and is thus completely out of place? Because if there is, we appear to be peering in at precisely such a universe.”
Funkaholic: “This is really kind of profoundly unbelievably excruciatingly mind-numbingly boring.”

The people have spoken, and Judge Parker is wack these days! Maybe newspapers should start dropping the strip, but I suppose after 70 years it’s an institution at this point.

A mental institution.

Sally Forth

Sally Forth - June 6, 2022

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This is what it has come to! Ted is so dissatisfied in his long, arduous marriage that his suicide ideation has become all-encompassing. He is literally daydreaming about dying. AND, not only that, but scheming to make his wife accountable!

I predict dark days ahead.

The quiet one: “Sally looks worse than the crazed doll.”
JL: “Ted needs something for that lawn. Or is it only a sickly color in his mind?”
VB Michaelis: “I hope Ted is still taking his meds”

I feel like the comic strip reading public was so SHOCKED by today’s strip that they’re mostly at a loss for words! We can only hope that everyone’s favorite cartoon character, Ted from Sally Forth, will readjust his attitude and stay alive to make us “laugh” for many years to come.


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Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 2 – “L”

* Part 2 of 7 of Vol. 1 – “Boredom” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 2: “L”! In the previous installment, a teenager named Raito discovers a notebook after school en route to his home. After a few trial runs, he convinces himself that he has the power to kill anybody he wants just by writing his or her name in the book.

A Shinigami (a sort of supernatural death god) named Ryuuku can be blamed for dropping the notebook on the EARTHLY PLANE in the first place, and thus uses it as an excuse to horn in on Raito’s life a little bit. They become buds pretty quickly.

Raito’s already stressing over whether to use his new powers for good or evil, and settled sort of in the middle – mostly for selfish reasons. People annoy him, many people deserve to die, so he wants to kill the ones who deserve to die in order to make the other harmless annoying people straighten up and fly right! The self-appointed judge, jury, and executioner, as it were.

And that’s all in THE FIRST CHAPTER. There are still ONE HUNDRED SEVEN CHAPTERS left to go! Doesn’t the story seem done already?? What more could there possibly be that would necessitate ONE HUNDRED SEVEN MORE CHAPTERS??

Cranky already.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“L”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Raito’s minding his own business in his bedroom when Ryuuku barges in like Kramer, free to roam around Raito’s dwelling like he’s HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD, JERRY! “Quite the hard worker, aren’t we?” the Shinigami comments snidely, noticing the boy loafing around and not killing humans in droves. Chop chop, son! There’s systematic genocide to commit!

It’s not like Raito’s just jerking his dick all over every object in the house (yet). He needs to squeeze in study time too to stay at the top of his class! Can’t sleep during class, so he has to sleep at home, and that only gives him about seven free hours to write names in this flimsy, cheap notebook. Give him a break, dude.

Ryuuku shoots him that frozen stare that he apparently cannot change. Those pitiful, wretched death gods and their complete lack of facial muscles.

♫♪♪♫♪♪ OPENING CREDITS ♫♪♪♫♪♪

Back “in some developed country”, as the helpful caption tells me, the Interpol meeting continues with everyone saying the same stuff they already said. It’s just a room full of angry men yelling shit out over one another.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE PEAS AND CARROTS RABBLE RABBLE

Suddenly, a voice was heard to remark “Well, all these people should have died anyways!”

A tizzy is spurred! A bunch of “HUBLUBLUBLUBLUB” is shouted! “Even if they’re criminals on death row, killing is still a crime!” shouts one helpful individual, loaded with insight and whatnot.

They all argue whether or not this constitutes murder if it cannot be proven that anyone was murdered and also the logistics of said alleged murder is crazy unfeasible. Grown men are arguing about this. Conspiracy theories are thrown around with reckless abandon. “We think a large syndicate is responsible for these killings,” declares one pinstripe suit motherfucker without anything further to say to back up such a vague accusation. The FBI! The CIA! The KGB! CBGB!

We’re all missing the major problem, here! These criminals are dying before they’re even executed! They’re depriving everyone of the fun part of death row!

Ughh, what do we do? We’re just a bunch of stupid men in a room. “We’ll have to call on L to solve this one.” *holds up right thumb/index finger to forehead* L sounds like a real winner.

Two Japanese representatives are seated in their assigned positions. “Chief, who is L?” asks a young woman, and the chief is like “who are you again? Oh, right, some intern. Very well. L is a secret, so zip the lip.”

This L, he solves “case after impossible case” with a 100% success rate, and he is also the last resort. Not sure why. Maybe because he snorts heroin and drags his dick over all the dead bodies while solving the murders? Who knows. He gets the job done, though, as long he actually wants to, you know, be involved in the first place.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

I’ll catch that Carmen Sandiego if it’s the last thing I do.

But hey, here’s the really good news: no one has to lift a fucking finger, because this L character is already working on the case. This is according to a trench coat dude named Watari, who just walked into this sad United Nations-style debacle like he owns the place. Watari is L’s only contact, and even HE doesn’t know who L is!

This is all very riveting. Consider me riveted.

“Silence please. I now give you the voice of L,” Watari declares rather importantly, setting a laptop on the table. There’s a big Old English style letter L on the screen. “This is the biggest and most difficult case yet,” says the L. They’re really selling me here on the difficulty of this case. It’s almost as if something crazy happened, like some dumb teenager found a cheap Mead Five Star notebook and every name he writes in there turns to shit.

In order for L to solve this successfully, he needs someone from the committee to help him. Total cooperation. And all sexual favors must be honored.

Meanwhile, Raito’s spastic friends can’t stop talking about the news and how totally rad it is that all these bad guys keep dying for no reason. “Yeah! Even if it is kind of scary, it’s also kind of refreshing!” Keep it in your pants, kiddos.

Raito laughs to himself KNOWINGLY. “With this you can’t misbehave anymore can you?” he goads, already setting up his master plan for world domination. Starting small, of course, with high school nerds, but still. It’s a start.

“You seem to be in a good mood, Raito,” Ryuuku observes when Raito comes home, but should know better than anyone that your facial expressions are worth bunk. “Not really, Ryuuku,” the kid snivels, “I’m home.”

Raito spends his school days preoccupied about the notebook, all worried about leaving it in his bedroom. Like maybe his mom will find it and write “Tom Brady”, and we all know how much Raito loves Tom Brady.

He browses a few websites and calls Ryuuku over to show some of this crazy stuff he’s finding everywhere.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Half of all the old GeoCities webpages looked just like this!

Hmmm, Kira? That doesn’t sound very manly, but it will have to do for now. A search for “Kira” turns up all sorts of similar terrible websites with dancing gifs and blinking backgrounds and cursor trailer text that says “wElCoMe tO suPoKaIzEn’S aNgElFiRe DojO!!1”

Either way, word’s getting around!

Time to impart a little wisdom on the ageless death god: in SCHOOL, you see, if a teacher asks you something like “is killing bad?”, even if you think that it isn’t, you still say “yes!”. Write that down.

But here on the internet, everyone is allowed to be the creepy anonymous psychopath that they all really are! Write that down too. “Those with a clear conscience cheer ‘Go, Kira!’ in their minds. While the ones who know their own crimes tremble in fear at the wrath of God.”

Raito is overjoyed at this development, but then his TV cuts to breaking news at the ICPO (International Committee of Pocket Ovaries) where Lind. L. Tailor (also known as “L”) shows his face and discusses the Heart Attack Criminal problem.

Other committee members watch the broadcast and go “huh, that’s weird, why is he showing his face?”

The ICPO (International Committee of Penis Orgasms) agrees to give L everything he wants for the case. Full cooperation. Very good! L wants the Japanese police involved; he claims the perpetrator is either Japanese or hiding in Japan. The rest of the ICPO (International Committee of Petty Outrage) is pretty outraged! What evidence is there that the perp is Japanese? Why are we ruling out BURKINA FASO?

Oh, L has evidence all right. But he ain’t tellin’. Not yet, anyway. The committee is confused, but L has solved every case so far, so let’s trust the guy.

“To the perpetrator of these serial murders: you have committed the most abominable act in history,” L scolds without an ounce of hyperbolic awareness. And he vows to not rest until the perpetrator is brought down.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Look out… *scans Wikipedia* …Kira Kosarin, teen Nickelodeon star!

Eep! That didn’t take long for someone to figure out! He must’ve gone to all the same GeoCities websites! Shit! Fuck! Shit!

But Raito smiles. Pffft, it’s all in the notebook. If he can’t find that, he’s got nothing.

When L announces on TV that what Kira is doing is evil, Raito takes pause. Evil? Moi? How can justice be evil? Those who oppose the god of justice are the evil ones! Not me! Errrghh! Don’t make me slam my fist on my Fisher Price desk!

“You’re too stupid, L,” Raito mutters, jotting down “Lind. L. Tailor” in his little snuff book, “if you were just a little smarter, we could have had some fun.”

lol

So Raito and Ryuuku wait with bated breath as Tailor continues to be on live TV, very much still not dead, only to inevitably be dead on live TV. You love to see it folks.

“Let the world see what happens when you go against Kira, L,” Raito is positively quivering with anticipation.

Tick tock tick tock.

10 more seconds.

*fart*

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Check out the dead dumbass! Ha ha ha ha!

A couple of men rush to L’s aid, but it’s obviously no use. The Best Detective in the World is a dead sack of ugly, miserable bones.

But a voice is still heard from the chair. From the laptop. Sounds like L was prepared for this!

“I did this on the off-chance that you would kill me. So, Kira, you can kill people without being nearby…”

Raito has that look again, the one where his own butt jumps up into his throat.

“Kira, listen to me. The person you killed was actually a prisoner sentenced to be executed at this time today. Not me.” A twist! Color me jacked-off!

Ryuuku finds this hilarious. Laughing at the dumb kid while his mouth is agape. L challenges this bitch to kill him next. Go on, do it! Do it! What are you afraid of? Ha, just as L suspected. Upper hand!

“So there are people you can’t kill. Thanks for the hint.”

Raito is pretty discouraged. Ryuuku is eating it up. L lets him in on another secret: this is only being broadcasted in the Kanto region of Japan, so now he has confirmed Kira’s whereabouts. The walls are closing in, buddy.

L’s very first clue was the death of Mr. Bowl Cut Hostage Situation. “Compared to all the other criminals who died of similar causes, this guy seems insignificant. And only the Japanese media reported this incident. That was the only clue I needed…”

You done fucked up, Raito. You’ve only been killing people for like 18 hours and now you’re already a wanted man.

The ICPO (International Committee of Pornography Observers) is like “fuck yeah, good ol’ L, he’s saving our asses yet again”.

“I’m extremely interested in your killing method. I’ll figure it out… WHEN I CATCH YOU!” declares L unprofessionally.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Don’t be sad, little guy. I know what’ll cheer you up! Write “Joel Osteen” in that notebook of yours.

It seems we have a nemesis in the picture, eh Raito? Now what, smartypants?

“I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND DESTROY YOU!” screams the 17-year-old maniac, “I AM JUSTICE!”

Ugh, fuck this kid. He should write his own name in the dumb book.

Time for Ryuuku to lay down some info. “Each of you is searching for an opponent whose identity is a mystery. And the first to be found out will die.”

Thanks Ryuuku, you’re a beacon of insight.

Then there’s a close-up of his spooky-ass Shinigami face, just electrified with giddy glee. “HUMANS ARE SO… INTERESTING…”.

Yeah, well, one of these days you’re going to be underwhelmed.

“I will win this…” promises Raito.
“Heh. I’ll be looking forward to the result,” promises Ryuuku.

Final Thoughts

God, I feel so dirty reading this stuff. I feel like it wouldn’t be half bad if someone who knew how to write actually did the translations. But where’s the fun in that? 106 chapters to go! Ha, I’ll be dead before I’m done.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “Live”

* Part 7 of 8 of the Double Trouble storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “Live”! In the previous installment, Kraven starts taping his Spider-Man Cash Grab episode at the high school, Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker flirt a little right in front of MJ’s face, and Justin Hammer is going to face the ugly consequence of experimenting on one of his own scientists (the octopus man).

But what is Spider-Man doing? He’s whining and crying about being the face of evil in New York City even though he’s only trying to help. Goin’ up the water spout. Out came the rain and…you know the rest.

Kraven’s gonna hunt him a spider. I like the sound of that.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 [June, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Live”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

And based on the cover art, Spider-Man’s gonna have to scurry his bony ass ALL the way up to the torch of the Statue of Liberty. There he will surely die of starvation and/or exposure while Kraven hops on the ground below over and over again, trying to reach him, like some mindless NES side-scroller enemy.

The shoot is in progress. Kraven sits cross-legged on a cushion in a pose of quiet meditation, surrounded by his crew. Incense burns in front of him. Velvety drapes adorn the room. Very cozy. Shhh, let’s watch…

“And here we are– the hunt is almost over,” announces the host of Kraven’s Super Sloppy Double Dare. They have received word of a Spider-Man sighting in New Jersey (eww), riding atop a limo down the turnpike toward one of Justin Hammer’s factories. It is known that Dr. Otto “the Bus Driver from Simpsons” Octavius is holding a press conference there as we speak, but the details of the press conference are not clear at this time. Thanks for watching! Please don’t forget to buy Sheba Cat Food, our sponsor for this evening, the brand that’ll stain your fucking carpet and-” *CUT*

What’s the problem, the host was just getting into a groove! Yeah, that’s the problem, he’s talking too much. The director tells him to just say “We found Spider-Man and we’re on our way to him” and pan to Guru Kraven over there and that’s a wrap. They start rolling again.

“As regular viewers know, Kraven’s prehunt meditation ritual is the single-most important part of the hunt,” and then they pan to Kraven who looks like he’s fondling his genitals below the camera. This is a super special prehunt meditation, though! Because there’s not gonna be a hunt. Kraven’s gonna go to Hammer’s factory and pound the kid into pulp in front of everyone instead.

“But what kind of battle awaits Kraven?” whispers the host putting on his most serious Tucker Carlson face, “This American Spider-Man is an unknown entity – a foe beyond anything he has ever faced before.”

CUT! Thanks for not talking about the cat food again! This segment was taped on Kraven’s tour bus, which is indeed on the turnpike. Just a matter of time now.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Let’s go, bitch. It’s Hammer Time!

At the front of Hammer Industries, Doc Ock really riles up the crowd. Nothing but the juiciest, most shocking confessions of evil and depravity from Mr. Hammer himself! Just an endless parade of horrific science fiction experiments, medical God-playing, and greedy amorality from Hammer Man! All we have to do is get him out of the car! Heh heh… *knock knock* hello? Uhm

“Come on, Hammer! All those yammering, self-serving press conferences you throw yourself–and now, finally, you have something to talk about, and you’re being shy?” Ock goads as he taps on the windshield glass with his slimy tentacle.

The limo driver is nervous as shit! “Sir, please, I can turn this boat around and get us out of here,” he pleads. Hammer hasn’t shown any real sign of backing off yet and he’s not gonna do it now in front of all these fine people! It’s emasculating! Here, look at my penis, he tells the driver. See?

Yeah, maybe, but his assistant tells him to step on the gas and the car peels off. Well, doesn’t that just irk the octopus a little too much at that particular moment. He crashes a couple tentacles through a couple of windows and lifts the car four feet above his head. Screams emanate from the car! Screams! This is some scary shit!

“YOU WILL NOT DENY ME AGAIN, HAMMER!” Ock bellows as he shakes the vehicle above him like a snowglobe. He huffs and puffs a little bit more before catching an eyeful of spidery webby goodness. One of the cameramen, already capturing the action, chuckles to himself, hungry for the footage that he’s about to get.

“Haven’t people in limos been persecuted enough?” Spider-Man calls out while swooping in with some choice acrobatics. He also calls Ock “Octopussy”, and then kicks him across the face. And then makes fun of his bowl cut again.

As Ock tries (unsuccessfully) to tear the web off his face, Spider-Man launches into a big speech about how he took his time laying low and playing lookout, watching the scene unfold so that he could distinguish who the real bad guy here actually was. “And the one time I remember to do all this and you’re acting all like Dennis Hopper in any of his early to mid-nineties movie roles.” Timeless. I couldn’t even name one of those. Bee Movie? Am I in the ballpark here?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

I’m bleeding out, but it sure is worth it!

During all this, Ock desperately flails his robot arms around to try to nab this tender little sucker. Eventually, he morphs one of his robot extremities into a gun and starts firing. Bullets are raining everywhere, but the media is all smiles over here.

Spider-Man’s like “oh damn, I didn’t know he could do that” and takes cover. And by “takes cover” I mean “continues to leap around exuberantly”.

“Why do you keep showing up in my life? Who are you?” Ock asks angrily. “Another genetic freak put together by Hammer’s lunatic scientists?”

Spider-Man confirms that he’s a genetic freak independent of Hammer’s enterprises, thank you very much, and you would do well to check a mirror. Check a mirror for the freak in the room. In the bathroom. Where the freak is. Look at it sometime.

Ock has had enough of this bullshit. Before Spider-Man can finish telling him he could rent himself out as a children’s ride instead of being evil, Ock grabs him and tosses him into the side of a TV news van.

“I can’t think of another time when the press had a front seat for such an amazing display like this,” proclaims a correspondent as scenes of the fight flashes on everyone’s TVs. When asked if Kraven should cancel and turn the van around, his agent thinks that’s a nutso wacko idea. Look at all this coverage! Get it while the gettin’s good. Kraven’s pious face shows determined agreement.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Hey, that guy on TV looks like somebody I know! …Tom Holland, maybe?

“Why has Otto Octavius called the press to this location? What is his agenda with Justin Hammer? And what exactly is Spider-Man’s connection to all this?” ponders the local news correspondent on MJ’s bedroom TV.

“We’re going to have to–oh! Something is happening. Spider-Man seems to be at a loss and–” gibbers the local news correspondent on the Daily Bugle’s office wall TV.

The “something happening” is Ock squeezing Spider-Man’s brittle stupid bones with one robot arm and charging up another with electricity, just like before at the Dome. “I am entirely sick of you,” Ock snarls as the electro-tentacle inches closer and closer. “I am not going to live to be the monster other men would make me. I am my own creation! I am in control of my own destiny!” he shrieks, obviously deranged past the point of conversation or being side-tracked by more of Spidey’s look-at-how-cute-I-am quips. He does shoot the end of the arm with Spidey Goo, which redirects current through Ock’s body. That seems to help for now, but it also sends Spidey flying in the other direction like a smelly rag doll covered in mud and feces.

Ock turns his attention back to the crushed limo. “You’re a coward, Hammer! Hiding behind your little freaks. It’s time to show these people what you are!” he shouts from high above. Hammer is about one more irregular heartbeat away from kicking it right here, right now. He holds onto his assistant’s hand, and I still don’t know her name. Mallory McNuggets is what I believe I called her for some coke-addled reason. “You didn’t deserve this…” Hammer croaks as his 109-year-old body continues to use every resource available to fuckin’ see and talk and shit.

Before Ock has a chance to land a finishing blow, he gets a web to the crotch and his pants are pulled down! His tighty-whities are embarrassingly exposed! Tee hee.

The sound of his pants lowering goes “SMUNP”. Ahh, who could forget our 45th president, Donald J. Smunp? This brings Otto back to reality for a quick tick, but the time it takes for him to hoist dem britches back up is enough for Spidey to swoop in and start dishin’ out some young justice! Eventually, Spider pins Octomom to the ground and snaps off one of his robot arms. Otto lies motionless. Camera crews have captured the whole scene. The silence is palpable. Spider lifts his mask just high enough off his face to spit.

“This is Traci Hale–reporting live. It–it appears to be over. Otto Octavius has been subdued by Spider-Man.”

She attempts to approach Spidey to get a statement, but LOOK WHO SHOWS UP NOW. Fuckin’ Kraven.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Get yer jammies on, Petey.

Man.

Dang.

Huff.

Final Thoughts

Kraven’s gonna get sent packin’! I expected the Kraven fight to happen before the Ock fight. Dr. Octopus has ultra-strong, electric robot arms. Kraven has a drippy dick.

BUT, Spidey’s HP meter is near 1%, so he’s gonna have to find some Phoenix Downs if he has a snowball’s chance in hell with the drippy-dicked motherfucker!


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!!!, Deathspell Omega, and Spiritualized

Oh hey, I gotta do another one of these! Here are some relatively new albums from !!!, Deathspell Omega, and Spiritualized.

!!! – Let It Be Blue
(May 6, 2022)

!!! - Let It Be Blue

I have always been on the cusp of liking !!!, which rubs me the wrong way. I don’t like listening to and being familiar with a band for years and not really knowing where I stand with them. My relationship begins and ends with their first four albums between 2000 and 2010. I know each one pretty well, and every time I listen to any of them (which is not very often at all), I always feel like something is lacking. It’s like they were always sitting on the fence between dance and punk, not really adequate enough in either direction to be satisfying.

Granted, an additional four albums dropped during the ’10s decade that I never listened to. For all I know the progression to Let It Be Blue is gradual and logical. But MAN was I thrown for a loop here. This is nothing like the band I’m familiar with, and I’m pleased to say that this feels like a more natural groove for !!! than anything I’ve ever heard before.

To bury the lede, this is not a punk album. This is a dance album. And it’s a sleazy, tasteless dance album at that, saturated with gooey autotune and guilty-pleasure club beats. I like this, and I think they’re good at it, and maybe they should’ve been doing this the entire time? The punk part always seemed a little flimsy to me, but the dance stuff feels right in their wheelhouse. But that being said, on a unexpected note, “Normal People” kicks off the record with a completely acoustic piece of business that has nothing to do with punk or dance anyway, and it’s also good, and it’s nice to hear them display their usual sardonicism. “Normal people get up in the afternoon/Normal people like me“.

And then it’s just one slick banger after another. Highlights include “Un Puente”‘s Latin flavor and female Spanish language chorus, the synth pop-happy “It’s Grey, It’s Grey (It’s Grey)” (try getting that one out of your head), and, OBVIOUSLY, the cover of R.E.M.’s “Man on the Moon”. That one works a lot better than you’d think. I can’t help but laugh at the “Hey Andy are you goofin’ on Elvis/Hey Baby” line played straight with the techno beat. It completely undercuts the emotional impact of the original song in a hilarious way.

All said and told, this record is just a fun, cheesy novelty. Hey, if an album can make me laugh in this hellhole of 2022, and likely beyond, I’ll take it as a win.

Early Verdict:

Deathspell Omega – The Long Defeat
(March 23, 2022)

Deathspell Omega - The Long Defeat

If you’re like me and you came to harsh vocals through the classic rock -> prog rock -> Porcupine Tree -> Opeth route (I know you’re out there), I can think of no better entry into black metal than Deathspell Omega. Maybe Enslaved, but Deathspell Omega is able to bend and twist sound and music into something spectral and unearthly with only a traditional four-piece rock band setup. No synths, no electronic effects, no bells and whistles…literally and figuratively. Vocals, guitar, bass, and drums. Extra bonus if you’re a giant insufferable hipster, because the lyrical content focuses primarily on metaphysics, philosophy, and other nebulous existential shit. Stuff that sounds smarter than it actually is. You’ll be all over it.

I digress. I’ll get right to the point: this is Deathspell Omega’s first miss since their shift to wildly experimental music in 2004 with Si monvmentvm reqvires, circvmspice. Five albums is a great run, but The Long Defeat feels unforgivably prosaic and lethargic. Even at the beginning with “Enantiodromia”, which starts with some slightly unsettling (and fake) Tuvan throat singing and launches into some mild, tame post-metal noodling, feels like an underwhelming slog. Throughout the album you get snippets of fuck-yeah unbridled chaotic insanity, such as the squealing guitar solo while the bass and drums go haywire in the middle of “Eadem, sed aliter”, but then it just becomes a disappointment when it reverts back to feeble, earthly post-metal. The title track is an exercise of by-the-book second wave black metal. I expect better.

The final track ends on a melodic note, which brings to mind Amon Amarth more than anything else. It just seems strange and out of place from a band that usually digs deep into unimaginably complex philosophical ideologies and makes the music to match. This isn’t the avantgarde band I know and love. Hopefully it’s just a phase.

Of course, even if this can be considered “safer” music, I wouldn’t recommend playing this while Aunt Becky is in the car…UNLESS your Aunt Becky hardened up a little bit after two months in the clink following that college admissions scandal! She might be ready for anything after that.

Early Verdict:

Spiritualized – Everything Was Beautiful
(April 22, 2022)

Spiritualized - Everything Was Beautiful

I love Spiritualized and their multi-layered, hypnotic, ever-progressing song structures. Even at their worst they are remarkably consistent, but they are unmatched when they get really locked into something special. Fronted by Jason Pierce, or J. Spaceman as he likes to be called (which you need to pronounce like Chris Parnell’s 30 Rock character or get the fuck out), the band’s peak was arguably their 1997 album Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space. Diverse and cathartic, that album is a quintessential representation of all their strengths: hard-hitting blues rock, mesmerizing psychedelic loops that build into noisy crescendos, and soulful and emotional gospel ballads, among others. It’s a rare example of a 70-minute album that doesn’t feel bloated and overlong, EVEN in spite of its 17-minute closing track.

Everything Was Beautiful feels like Ladies and Gentlemen…‘s spiritual successor, 25 years later. Even the intro tracks are strikingly similar to each other: spacey builds with robotic beeps. This whole effort seems to exude way more confidence, the hallmark of a seasoned band with a discography completely free of duds. Once “Best Thing You Never Had (The D Song)”, the second track, kicks in proper, you’ll wonder how such strong melodies haven’t been mined long ago. It sounds like the Rolling Stones at their peak.

Another highlight is “The Mainline Song” which brims with beautifully romantic positivity (“Sweet heart, sweet light/Oh babe, it’s a beautiful night/And I wanted to know if you wanted to go/To the city tonight“) as train noises and chugging synthesizer weaves in and out. It certainly could be a song about drugs, but you can play this one for your grandma all the same and she’ll fucking love the shit out of it.

I also really like the instrumental choruses of “The A Song (Laid in Your Arms)”. Just a perfect combination of soaring, impassioned notes that’ll you’ll be humming in your sleep.

There’s not one bad track on here. Everything Was Beautiful sounds like something right out of the glory days of the classic rock era. If it came out in 1970, people still be talking about it today. But it came out a month ago and no one is talking about it anymore! Them’s the breaks. Cream of the crop of 2022 so far in my book. Once you finish listening through, you’ll surely think “yeah, everything was beautiful”. How’s that for cognitive consonance??

Early Verdict:


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