Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “Live”

* Part 7 of 8 of the Double Trouble storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “Live”! In the previous installment, Kraven starts taping his Spider-Man Cash Grab episode at the high school, Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker flirt a little right in front of MJ’s face, and Justin Hammer is going to face the ugly consequence of experimenting on one of his own scientists (the octopus man).

But what is Spider-Man doing? He’s whining and crying about being the face of evil in New York City even though he’s only trying to help. Goin’ up the water spout. Out came the rain and
you know the rest.

Kraven’s gonna hunt him a spider. I like the sound of that.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20 [June, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Live”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

And based on the cover art, Spider-Man’s gonna have to scurry his bony ass ALL the way up to the torch of the Statue of Liberty. There he will surely die of starvation and/or exposure while Kraven hops on the ground below over and over again, trying to reach him, like some mindless NES side-scroller enemy.

The shoot is in progress. Kraven sits cross-legged on a cushion in a pose of quiet meditation, surrounded by his crew. Incense burns in front of him. Velvety drapes adorn the room. Very cozy. Shhh, let’s watch


“And here we are– the hunt is almost over,” announces the host of Kraven’s Super Sloppy Double Dare. They have received word of a Spider-Man sighting in New Jersey (eww), riding atop a limo down the turnpike toward one of Justin Hammer’s factories. It is known that Dr. Otto “the Bus Driver from Simpsons” Octavius is holding a press conference there as we speak, but the details of the press conference are not clear at this time. Thanks for watching! Please don’t forget to buy Sheba Cat Food, our sponsor for this evening, the brand that’ll stain your fucking carpet and-” *CUT*

What’s the problem, the host was just getting into a groove! Yeah, that’s the problem, he’s talking too much. The director tells him to just say “We found Spider-Man and we’re on our way to him” and pan to Guru Kraven over there and that’s a wrap. They start rolling again.

“As regular viewers know, Kraven’s prehunt meditation ritual is the single-most important part of the hunt,” and then they pan to Kraven who looks like he’s fondling his genitals below the camera. This is a super special prehunt meditation, though! Because there’s not gonna be a hunt. Kraven’s gonna go to Hammer’s factory and pound the kid into pulp in front of everyone instead.

“But what kind of battle awaits Kraven?” whispers the host putting on his most serious Tucker Carlson face, “This American Spider-Man is an unknown entity – a foe beyond anything he has ever faced before.”

CUT! Thanks for not talking about the cat food again! This segment was taped on Kraven’s tour bus, which is indeed on the turnpike. Just a matter of time now.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Let’s go, bitch. It’s Hammer Time!

At the front of Hammer Industries, Doc Ock really riles up the crowd. Nothing but the juiciest, most shocking confessions of evil and depravity from Mr. Hammer himself! Just an endless parade of horrific science fiction experiments, medical God-playing, and greedy amorality from Hammer Man! All we have to do is get him out of the car! Heh heh
 *knock knock* hello? Uhm

“Come on, Hammer! All those yammering, self-serving press conferences you throw yourself–and now, finally, you have something to talk about, and you’re being shy?” Ock goads as he taps on the windshield glass with his slimy tentacle.

The limo driver is nervous as shit! “Sir, please, I can turn this boat around and get us out of here,” he pleads. Hammer hasn’t shown any real sign of backing off yet and he’s not gonna do it now in front of all these fine people! It’s emasculating! Here, look at my penis, he tells the driver. See?

Yeah, maybe, but his assistant tells him to step on the gas and the car peels off. Well, doesn’t that just irk the octopus a little too much at that particular moment. He crashes a couple tentacles through a couple of windows and lifts the car four feet above his head. Screams emanate from the car! Screams! This is some scary shit!

“YOU WILL NOT DENY ME AGAIN, HAMMER!” Ock bellows as he shakes the vehicle above him like a snowglobe. He huffs and puffs a little bit more before catching an eyeful of spidery webby goodness. One of the cameramen, already capturing the action, chuckles to himself, hungry for the footage that he’s about to get.

“Haven’t people in limos been persecuted enough?” Spider-Man calls out while swooping in with some choice acrobatics. He also calls Ock “Octopussy”, and then kicks him across the face. And then makes fun of his bowl cut again.

As Ock tries (unsuccessfully) to tear the web off his face, Spider-Man launches into a big speech about how he took his time laying low and playing lookout, watching the scene unfold so that he could distinguish who the real bad guy here actually was. “And the one time I remember to do all this and you’re acting all like Dennis Hopper in any of his early to mid-nineties movie roles.” Timeless. I couldn’t even name one of those. Bee Movie? Am I in the ballpark here?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

I’m bleeding out, but it sure is worth it!

During all this, Ock desperately flails his robot arms around to try to nab this tender little sucker. Eventually, he morphs one of his robot extremities into a gun and starts firing. Bullets are raining everywhere, but the media is all smiles over here.

Spider-Man’s like “oh damn, I didn’t know he could do that” and takes cover. And by “takes cover” I mean “continues to leap around exuberantly”.

“Why do you keep showing up in my life? Who are you?” Ock asks angrily. “Another genetic freak put together by Hammer’s lunatic scientists?”

Spider-Man confirms that he’s a genetic freak independent of Hammer’s enterprises, thank you very much, and you would do well to check a mirror. Check a mirror for the freak in the room. In the bathroom. Where the freak is. Look at it sometime.

Ock has had enough of this bullshit. Before Spider-Man can finish telling him he could rent himself out as a children’s ride instead of being evil, Ock grabs him and tosses him into the side of a TV news van.

“I can’t think of another time when the press had a front seat for such an amazing display like this,” proclaims a correspondent as scenes of the fight flashes on everyone’s TVs. When asked if Kraven should cancel and turn the van around, his agent thinks that’s a nutso wacko idea. Look at all this coverage! Get it while the gettin’s good. Kraven’s pious face shows determined agreement.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Hey, that guy on TV looks like somebody I know! 
Tom Holland, maybe?

“Why has Otto Octavius called the press to this location? What is his agenda with Justin Hammer? And what exactly is Spider-Man’s connection to all this?” ponders the local news correspondent on MJ’s bedroom TV.

“We’re going to have to–oh! Something is happening. Spider-Man seems to be at a loss and–” gibbers the local news correspondent on the Daily Bugle’s office wall TV.

The “something happening” is Ock squeezing Spider-Man’s brittle stupid bones with one robot arm and charging up another with electricity, just like before at the Dome. “I am entirely sick of you,” Ock snarls as the electro-tentacle inches closer and closer. “I am not going to live to be the monster other men would make me. I am my own creation! I am in control of my own destiny!” he shrieks, obviously deranged past the point of conversation or being side-tracked by more of Spidey’s look-at-how-cute-I-am quips. He does shoot the end of the arm with Spidey Goo, which redirects current through Ock’s body. That seems to help for now, but it also sends Spidey flying in the other direction like a smelly rag doll covered in mud and feces.

Ock turns his attention back to the crushed limo. “You’re a coward, Hammer! Hiding behind your little freaks. It’s time to show these people what you are!” he shouts from high above. Hammer is about one more irregular heartbeat away from kicking it right here, right now. He holds onto his assistant’s hand, and I still don’t know her name. Mallory McNuggets is what I believe I called her for some coke-addled reason. “You didn’t deserve this
” Hammer croaks as his 109-year-old body continues to use every resource available to fuckin’ see and talk and shit.

Before Ock has a chance to land a finishing blow, he gets a web to the crotch and his pants are pulled down! His tighty-whities are embarrassingly exposed! Tee hee.

The sound of his pants lowering goes “SMUNP”. Ahh, who could forget our 45th president, Donald J. Smunp? This brings Otto back to reality for a quick tick, but the time it takes for him to hoist dem britches back up is enough for Spidey to swoop in and start dishin’ out some young justice! Eventually, Spider pins Octomom to the ground and snaps off one of his robot arms. Otto lies motionless. Camera crews have captured the whole scene. The silence is palpable. Spider lifts his mask just high enough off his face to spit.

“This is Traci Hale–reporting live. It–it appears to be over. Otto Octavius has been subdued by Spider-Man.”

She attempts to approach Spidey to get a statement, but LOOK WHO SHOWS UP NOW. Fuckin’ Kraven.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #20

Get yer jammies on, Petey.

Man.

Dang.

Huff.

Final Thoughts

Kraven’s gonna get sent packin’! I expected the Kraven fight to happen before the Ock fight. Dr. Octopus has ultra-strong, electric robot arms. Kraven has a drippy dick.

BUT, Spidey’s HP meter is near 1%, so he’s gonna have to find some Phoenix Downs if he has a snowball’s chance in hell with the drippy-dicked motherfucker!


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!!!, Deathspell Omega, and Spiritualized

Oh hey, I gotta do another one of these! Here are some relatively new albums from !!!, Deathspell Omega, and Spiritualized.

!!! – Let It Be Blue
(May 6, 2022)

!!! - Let It Be Blue

I have always been on the cusp of liking !!!, which rubs me the wrong way. I don’t like listening to and being familiar with a band for years and not really knowing where I stand with them. My relationship begins and ends with their first four albums between 2000 and 2010. I know each one pretty well, and every time I listen to any of them (which is not very often at all), I always feel like something is lacking. It’s like they were always sitting on the fence between dance and punk, not really adequate enough in either direction to be satisfying.

Granted, an additional four albums dropped during the ’10s decade that I never listened to. For all I know the progression to Let It Be Blue is gradual and logical. But MAN was I thrown for a loop here. This is nothing like the band I’m familiar with, and I’m pleased to say that this feels like a more natural groove for !!! than anything I’ve ever heard before.

To bury the lede, this is not a punk album. This is a dance album. And it’s a sleazy, tasteless dance album at that, saturated with gooey autotune and guilty-pleasure club beats. I like this, and I think they’re good at it, and maybe they should’ve been doing this the entire time? The punk part always seemed a little flimsy to me, but the dance stuff feels right in their wheelhouse. But that being said, on a unexpected note, “Normal People” kicks off the record with a completely acoustic piece of business that has nothing to do with punk or dance anyway, and it’s also good, and it’s nice to hear them display their usual sardonicism. “Normal people get up in the afternoon/Normal people like me“.

And then it’s just one slick banger after another. Highlights include “Un Puente”‘s Latin flavor and female Spanish language chorus, the synth pop-happy “It’s Grey, It’s Grey (It’s Grey)” (try getting that one out of your head), and, OBVIOUSLY, the cover of R.E.M.’s “Man on the Moon”. That one works a lot better than you’d think. I can’t help but laugh at the “Hey Andy are you goofin’ on Elvis/Hey Baby” line played straight with the techno beat. It completely undercuts the emotional impact of the original song in a hilarious way.

All said and told, this record is just a fun, cheesy novelty. Hey, if an album can make me laugh in this hellhole of 2022, and likely beyond, I’ll take it as a win.

Early Verdict:

Deathspell Omega – The Long Defeat
(March 23, 2022)

Deathspell Omega - The Long Defeat

If you’re like me and you came to harsh vocals through the classic rock -> prog rock -> Porcupine Tree -> Opeth route (I know you’re out there), I can think of no better entry into black metal than Deathspell Omega. Maybe Enslaved, but Deathspell Omega is able to bend and twist sound and music into something spectral and unearthly with only a traditional four-piece rock band setup. No synths, no electronic effects, no bells and whistles…literally and figuratively. Vocals, guitar, bass, and drums. Extra bonus if you’re a giant insufferable hipster, because the lyrical content focuses primarily on metaphysics, philosophy, and other nebulous existential shit. Stuff that sounds smarter than it actually is. You’ll be all over it.

I digress. I’ll get right to the point: this is Deathspell Omega’s first miss since their shift to wildly experimental music in 2004 with Si monvmentvm reqvires, circvmspice. Five albums is a great run, but The Long Defeat feels unforgivably prosaic and lethargic. Even at the beginning with “Enantiodromia”, which starts with some slightly unsettling (and fake) Tuvan throat singing and launches into some mild, tame post-metal noodling, feels like an underwhelming slog. Throughout the album you get snippets of fuck-yeah unbridled chaotic insanity, such as the squealing guitar solo while the bass and drums go haywire in the middle of “Eadem, sed aliter”, but then it just becomes a disappointment when it reverts back to feeble, earthly post-metal. The title track is an exercise of by-the-book second wave black metal. I expect better.

The final track ends on a melodic note, which brings to mind Amon Amarth more than anything else. It just seems strange and out of place from a band that usually digs deep into unimaginably complex philosophical ideologies and makes the music to match. This isn’t the avantgarde band I know and love. Hopefully it’s just a phase.

Of course, even if this can be considered “safer” music, I wouldn’t recommend playing this while Aunt Becky is in the car…UNLESS your Aunt Becky hardened up a little bit after two months in the clink following that college admissions scandal! She might be ready for anything after that.

Early Verdict:

Spiritualized – Everything Was Beautiful
(April 22, 2022)

Spiritualized - Everything Was Beautiful

I love Spiritualized and their multi-layered, hypnotic, ever-progressing song structures. Even at their worst they are remarkably consistent, but they are unmatched when they get really locked into something special. Fronted by Jason Pierce, or J. Spaceman as he likes to be called (which you need to pronounce like Chris Parnell’s 30 Rock character or get the fuck out), the band’s peak was arguably their 1997 album Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space. Diverse and cathartic, that album is a quintessential representation of all their strengths: hard-hitting blues rock, mesmerizing psychedelic loops that build into noisy crescendos, and soulful and emotional gospel ballads, among others. It’s a rare example of a 70-minute album that doesn’t feel bloated and overlong, EVEN in spite of its 17-minute closing track.

Everything Was Beautiful feels like Ladies and Gentlemen…‘s spiritual successor, 25 years later. Even the intro tracks are strikingly similar to each other: spacey builds with robotic beeps. This whole effort seems to exude way more confidence, the hallmark of a seasoned band with a discography completely free of duds. Once “Best Thing You Never Had (The D Song)”, the second track, kicks in proper, you’ll wonder how such strong melodies haven’t been mined long ago. It sounds like the Rolling Stones at their peak.

Another highlight is “The Mainline Song” which brims with beautifully romantic positivity (“Sweet heart, sweet light/Oh babe, it’s a beautiful night/And I wanted to know if you wanted to go/To the city tonight“) as train noises and chugging synthesizer weaves in and out. It certainly could be a song about drugs, but you can play this one for your grandma all the same and she’ll fucking love the shit out of it.

I also really like the instrumental choruses of “The A Song (Laid in Your Arms)”. Just a perfect combination of soaring, impassioned notes that’ll you’ll be humming in your sleep.

There’s not one bad track on here. Everything Was Beautiful sounds like something right out of the glory days of the classic rock era. If it came out in 1970, people still be talking about it today. But it came out a month ago and no one is talking about it anymore! Them’s the breaks. Cream of the crop of 2022 so far in my book. Once you finish listening through, you’ll surely think “yeah, everything was beautiful”. How’s that for cognitive consonance??

Early Verdict:


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Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Kill Game”

* Part 6 of 7 of the Faces of Death storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Kill Game”! In the previous installment, not much happens really. The issue was split into two stories, and not enough happened in either to necessitate a real recap! But here I got anyway:

Batman gets a lead and finds himself needing to hit up the Iceberg Casino. Charlotte Rivers is undercover there, but not undercover enough, because Penguin’s got creepy sex offender cameras in the changing rooms.

The backstory showed Prof. Hugo Strange’s strange estranged son, Eli, conning through a mobster poker game while Catwoman robs them all blind.

Issue #6 returns to the single-story format. Let’s see what that Batman nerd’s up to now, since he’s supposed to show up at the casino as both Batman and Bruce Wayne. Gonna be a Mrs. Doubtfire situation.

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [April, 2012]
Written by: Tony S. Daniel
“Kill Game”

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6

In a private residence overlooking the water, the glimmery Pink Floyd laser light show that is the Iceberg Casino can be seen from a very short distance. You could throw a rock at it. Legend has it that the Titanic Casino was completely destroyed by the Iceberg Casino. All 4.9 billion people perished. It was a sad day for Gotham City. You can read about it here —> www.iceberg.com.org

An unidentified couple discusses the casino. The dude needs to get into that casino, man. The Penguin’s just been hanging out there for too long, he needs to be flushed out. The lady presents to him a gold VIP pass, the same one that was stolen from Fatty Uncle Boil-Face. “You’re a helluva woman, Chase,” the man says with gratitude, slipping the card into his wallet. She’s revealed to be a blonde with an eyepatch. I don’t know who! So let’s move on.

“Just listen to me and we’ll be living like royalty in Costa Rica by Sunday,” Chase tells him while putting on a pair of stiletto heels. That’s right, honey, she’s got her
er, eye
on the big picture. She’s got it all figured out! It’s all gonna be fiiiiiine.

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Gah! Get it out of here! I’m trying to eat lunch!

“First, that face of yours has to go. You know how I hate that one.” She punches him right in the mug, bluntly telling this fucker that he needs to look like he has even one measly ounce of class! So this guy goes into the bathroom and applies his concealer, looking all pretty now. Can’t take any chances on anyone recognizing this mope, the plan has to be pulled off without a hitch.

Jack Houston is the name, and being called “Snakeskin” is the game! And the other game is crime! Once upon a time, Houston volunteered his body for skeezy back-alley medical research and got disfigured to high heaven! He won a settlement, gambled it all away very quickly, and got himself five million dollars in the hole. Every single casino and loan shark is now after this guy, so he’s turning to criming around with crime activity to pay back his debts while looking like other people.

And now you know
.the rest of the story.

Batman’s been doing some detective work in these comics! Snakeskin’s fingerprints match the ones found on the dropped $1000 Iceberg Casino chip. His last known residence is the Abbot Transient Motel, getting handy-Js from the female vending machine stockers. The motel room is decrepit as all get-out; a bathub is filled near the brim with blood. Human blood. Like, from a person and it’s that guy! You know! The guy with the thing! He was last seen in Issue #4 doing stuff! 
uh. Raju! Raju’s dead.

Trusty Alfred the Wayne Manor Bitch positively identifies the body from Bat Cave Command and discovers phone records showing Raju calling Nicolas Pog, a weapons dealer, and Jill Hamilton, a
woman. BATMAN HEARS ALL HE NEEDS TO KNOW. TALLY HOOOOOOO!!!

Batman “speaks” to the desk clerk, a real Danny-DeVito-from-Taxi-looking piece of shit. And by “speaks” I mean “allows the guy to shoot off half his own foot”.

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6

It’s Always Sunny in Gotham City, bitches! RAT-A-TAT TAT!

“I stand there and let his fear take over,” remarks Batman’s inner monologue as DeVito fills his pants with all the poop in the universe. When asked if a Jill Hamilton has checked into the motel, DeVito claims that “some chick with an eyepatch was here” and he only saw her in passing. He ain’t know no names!

“Hey–I’m bleeding out over here. Help me!” DeVito cries, but Batman walks away going la-la-la-la.

At the Iceberg Casino hotel, incognito as a cleaning maid, Charlotte Rivers paws through Eyepatch’s belongings. She finds some unseen thing she was looking for, but Eyepatch BAFFS her on the head from behind. “You picked the wrong room to pilfer, bimbo!” says Eyepatch, but they exchange knowing glances at each other.

Eypatch and Rivers are sisters. “We need to talk, now,” an angry floor-crawling Charlotte snarls.

“Make it fast and get out. I’m too busy for your drama.” says Eyepatch aka JILL HAMILTON eek!

“I’m investigating some bad people, Jill– and I’m about to expose a whole underground weapons operation,” Rivers declares triumphantly. “One that goes all the way to the top of Gotham. Guess who’s name popped up?

Don Henley? Erik Estrada? Dr. Joyce Brothers? Chaz Bono? John Astin? Frances McDormand? Jonathan Rhys Meyers? Corbin Bernsen? Amy Adams? Jimmie Walker? Dana Delany? Phil Donahue?

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Ok! I’ll go first! Do you like boys???…. ♫â™Ș♫â™Ș♫â™Ș

Anyway, tread lightly, Sweet Sister! Rivers has all the dirt fit to print. But she doesn’t scare Eyepatch, oh no sir! “I’d ruin both you and your privileged little life,” says Jill Hamilton as she calmly starts to pour herself a drink



and instead smashes the bottle.

Speaking of Danny DeVito…Penguin, elsewhere in the casino, he praises his council of weirdos and fuck-ups for coming together as a team and meeting diplomatically! “The challenges that await you in Gotham will be plentiful. They’ll come from friends, which will be few– and, of course, they’ll come from foes, which will be many.” Hey, nice speech, Shorty. Who wrote that nugget of great prose? Tony S. Daniel? Pffft.

Penguin prattles on about how he’s taking all these rejects under his wing, but they are all curmudgeonly about how much money they’re being asked to cough up for Penguin’s acts of altruistic good intentions! There’s an invisible guy wearing glasses, there’s a guy who looks like a red container of poisonous gas, there’s a guy wearing super cool x-ray specs, there’s a guy who looks like a dang lightbulb. A real dream team.

Penguin has a speech impediment that makes him end sentences with “WAH!” Like a penguin! Or a Waluigi. He calls this sorry bunch of losers a, well, a sorry bunch of losers! “What’s happening in the streets right now is exactly what I’m protecting you from
 Another reason none of you have been targeted yet is that word has spread as to who’s holding your money.”

The Iceberg Casino is the most secure location this side of Switzerland! No worries! No men who masquerade as bats to worry about here! Heh heh. WAH!

One of Penguin’s female servants has a rather suspicious eyepatch, though..

Let’s turn our attention to Crime Alley, where Batman is chasing down Smitty, a lackey of that Nicolas Pog fella. I wonder what kind of weapons Pog’s been dealing lately???

Smitty looks rather ratty and twitchy. Apparently, Pog is extremely wealthy and has the means to hire all kinds of crooked lawyers
he’s even able to buy off crooked cops and judges. And yet he has Smitty, this ugly dumbass.

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Oh no! Did I accidentally run down GHOST ALLEY by mistake??

Smitty is hardly a fraction of a match for Batman. It looks like he starts tickling him? “Where’s your boss, Smitty? Where’s Pog?” he growls as he continues moving his Uncle Touchy fingers all over Smitty. Batman had to go through a lot of people to get to him. Lots of punched-in faces, lots of broken teeth, lots of snapped bones and burned arms and missing kidneys. Smitty whimpers and gives up the goods.

Smitty directs Batman to a bomb-making facility.

!!!

But there are no bombs. Just plenty of materials for making bombs. Even Smitty is puzzled; he suspects the one-eyed lady had something to do with this. She and Pog have been cozying up a lot lately. Hanging out in an estate that’s, like, five feet away from the Iceberg Casino and all.

Batman finds a large ice cooler in the room. Inside is the hacked up body of Nicolas Pog with a ninja star sticking out of his left eyeball. So what is this, the killer wants to make her victims just as one-eyed as she is? Tee hee.

Ugghh, Charlotte’s at the casino. I guess he’ll have to show up there after all anyway. Boo.

Penguin steps his ugly butt out to the front of the casino and announces the grand opening to all the waiting patrons. During the diversion, One-Eye’s male face-changing partner in crime, Jack Houston, Snakeskin Magoo, motorboats on up to the loading dock and she sneaks him in under a serving cart. In the main lounge, Bruce Wayne calls up Charlotte and asks her to acknowledge his smiley, ruggedly disheveled and tuxedoed presence at the casino entrance. She leaves him hanging as she follows her sister, who passes through pushing the cart.

Brucey tells Alfie to put the yacht in neutral and give him five minutes. The tracking device he put on Charlotte’s dress (which she isn’t even wearing anymore, dummy) should help him find her and allow him take her back out in less than five minutes! Then they’ll be heading back to Wayne Manor where Bruce and Charlotte will fuck abusively while Alfred attempts to enjoy his can of Hormel chili (no beans) in the next room.

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Man, I sure feel stupid wondering how Alfred is up to his neck in pussy. Who could resist?

But hold up, drive closer to that boat over there. That’s the same damn boat that the clown mask thug was driving when he got away from me! It’s a stolen boat! That’s it, back to Batman Time! Alfred, wait here for about six hours! I’m probably gonna get knocked unconscious and tied up. Feel free to help yourself to the snack bag, I brought beef jerky.

Alfred crabs and groans about how Batman already has him involved in the vampire case, which I can read all about in a series called I, Vampire, which I’m NOT going to read at all whatsoever



yet.


but apparently there was a train and some missing passengers and a lot of blood, so Tony S. Daniel fulfilled his obligation to namedrop a concurrent New 52 series that no one was going to bother reading.

Back in the casino, Rivers keeps following One-Eyed Jill. Even if she knows Charlotte is here, even if she knows Charlotte’s on to her, even if she knows Charlotte is likely following her
she has to try and stop her, right? Thanksgiving is gonna be awkward, but it’s a small price to pay!

Charlottle walks into a dark room, where she stupidly calls for her sister to come out, come out, wherever you are. Then a guy with a knife stabs her a few times!

THAK THAK THAK THAK

Mr. Puts-On-a-Different-Face Guy hears a loud crash in the middle of his maniacal stabbing session. For a quick second, he thinks One-Eyed Jill is setting him up, but Batman makes his very loud, room-filling appearance by hammering this guy with his many (two) fists.

“WHY?!” *punch* “WHY?!” *other punch*

Charlotte’s bleeding out on the other side of the room. Batman runs to her and gets a glass door closed behind him. They’re both now stuck in a small elevator-sized enclosure.

“Hahaha! You lose! You lose, Batman!” the bloody face-changer laughs through the window pane.

“I did this. My feelings for Charlotte fogged my judgment for a split second– I did this. I killed us.” Batman struggles as Snakey Skin presses a few buttons, and the glass box starts filling up with snow and ice.

Final Thoughts

I hope Batman fucking dies, dude. Then Alfred can take over and actually get some shit done!

One more issue left in the storyline. Looking forward to wrapping this abortion up in a nice tidy package and then shipping it through the mail to Batman’s mom. Oh wait, she’s dead! Haha!


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Paper Girls, Issue #1

Paper Girls, Issue #1

* Part 1 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 1 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #1! Happy Memorial Day! What better way to celebrate this patriotic nonsense than with a comic series that begins the morning after godless pagan Halloween?

I only became aware of this series recently. It comes highly recommended within the Image Comics oeuvre, and I’m all for a good coming-of-age story. Here’s all that I know: it’s set in the ‘80s, four girls go on an adventure, and time travel may be involved. The official description compares the series to both Stand By Me and War of the Worlds. Reviews have also mentioned Stranger Things. I’m intrigued.

This series spans thirty issues, with each chunk of the storyline comprising five issues. As far as I know, neither the storylines nor the issues themselves have names, which sends my OCD alarm into a complete fucking conniption fit! I almost skipped this entire series because of that!

But I decided to be the bigger man here and get over it! That’ll show me.

Paper Girls, Issue #1 [October, 2015]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #1

A girl wearing a one-piece swimsuit appears to be on Mars or something. She’s on her knees clutching an apple with two hands. A NASA astronaut with angel wings welcomes the girl to Heaven. The girl is named Erin.

Erin recognizes the astronaut angel. It’s none other than Christa McAuliffe, famous for dying in the Challenger shuttle explosion! Here in Heaven, all seven Challenger astronauts are here! Also, your grandma! But not your fish.

How did Erin die? Well, it was the Russians. “They got almost everybody.”

“Then
 where’s my sister?” Erin asks, gazing sadly at her apple.
“Oh, Missy is in Hell,” says a blasĂ© McAuliffe, “but you still have one chance to save her.”

Suddenly Erin is in a classroom where her younger sister is tied to a desk, held captive by a giant demony demon. Missy is speaking in tongues. All Erin has to do is answer the demon’s question:

1) WHICH TRIBE NAMED OUR “CROOKED RIVER” THE CUYAHOGA?

  • THE MOHAWKS
  • THE IROQUOIS
  • THE APACHE
  • THE BLACKFEET
Paper Girls, Issue #1

Multiple choice test questions? I don’t love my sister that much.

Erin’s getting suspicious. She’s had this dream before! She’s not falling for any of it anymore.

Christa McAuliffe doesn’t approve of Erin’s swearing at all. She’s getting all angry about it, in fact! Erin doesn’t care. This isn’t even real anyway!

“Incorrect,” says the demon as it pierces right through Erin’s face with a long, sharp claw. Through one cheek and out the other.

“We warned you,” says astronaut angel McAuliffe, helmet visor now showing a horrendous vision of an inhuman skull, “never eat from the Tree of Knowledge.”

Boo!

Ha ha!

Erin wakes up. She’s got the top bunk. Her sister, Missy, safe and sound, is fast asleep in the bottom bunk.

“Missy? Are you dead?” asks Erin, peeking down from her elevated position. Missy shoots her a dirty look and turns back over.

It’s still dark outside, but a large newspaper truck blares its headlights through their bedroom window. “THE CLEVELAND STEAMER”. lol, no. “THE CLEVELAND PRESERVER”.

Her Far Side desk calendar shows Tuesday, November 1st, 1988. She pulls a knife out of her desk drawer (loaded also with cash bundles) and gets to work.

Paper Girls, Issue #1

Time to throw all these down the sewer!

Today’s headline: “NO PROGRESS IN IRAN-IRAQ PEACE TALKS”.

It’s 4:40am.

Soon, all the newspapers are bundled in Erin’s papergirl sack and she hits the road on her Schwinny Schwin Schwin. Soon, all of Stony Stream, Ohio will get their morning news! Huzzah!

Just another normal morning on the paper route. That is, until some kids dressed in costumes and throwing eggs start harassing her. “Yo. Can I get one of those? You skipped my house,” says a weaselly Freddy Krueger with about six fluffy hairs on his chin.

Erin is on-guard. “Teenagers,” she mumbles.

“You’re not a Stony Middle chick, are you?” asks Krueger, who looks like Butt-Head. No, Erin goes to St. Nick’s. “Yum, Catholic schoolgirl,” says a kid dressed like a ninja.

Erin tries to leave, but Krueger grabs her bike. “Not until you give me a goddamn paper,” he snarls in her face, breath likely smelling like old Lunchables and Watermelon Pucker.

“Lucas Kurzenberger!” yells a voice from behind. Three more paper girls roll up on their bikes. “Cool costume, faggot.”

Kurzenberger Krueger isn’t scared of girls! I mean, he’s probably terrified of girls
 but he isn’t scared of these girls.

“You heard me, AIDS patient. Get lost.”

Krueger doesn’t fight too hard at this. “Whatever. Good luck getting home alive, bitch.” He flips them all off, and the three costumed hooligans take their leave.

Paper Girls, Issue #1

Come on, fellas. Let’s go home and watch Growing Pains.

“You shouldn’t call anyone the F-word. And anybody can get AIDS, not just gays,” Erin protests to the girls who just helped her out.

“You’re welcome,” says the freckled redhead, putting her headphones back on. What do you think she’s listening to on her cassette player? Probably Everything by the Bangles! That just dropped in October!

“Don’t mind Mac,” says the one with the ponytail.
“Yeah, she just knows how to talk to their kind,” says the black girl with the shoulder-length hair, “you know, Herbs.”

Erin does a double-take. Mac? The Mac? MacKenzie? The first paper boy around here who wasn’t a
 you know
 boy?

Wow!

Mac seems like a tough cookie! A real legend!

The black girl is named Tiffany, she’s also in Catholic school. St. Pete’s where the priests are possibly not as touchy-feely. The ponytail girl is named KJ, she’s at Buttonwood Academy. That’s a Jew school! No little-boy-penis-fondling priests there.

“You rich girls want to compare report cards all night or can we get back to business?” Mac asks with cold impatience. Wow! Fearless! Look at her go!

The three of them met last Halloween, pretty much exactly a year ago. Halloween night gets a little risky, so they’re only going to all ride together for this particular session. “You can totally join us, too, if you want?” offers KJ, but Mac immediately disagrees. She lights up a cigarette. “No, it’ll take too long for all four of us to do the entire development together. We’ll split up into two groups. New kid can ride with me.”

Oh boy! Wow!

Mac “asks” to borrow one of Tiffany’s spiffy new $49.99 Radio Shack whiz-bang 14-channel CB radio walkie-talkies. If Mac breaks it, she’s buying a fucking new one for her. Meet back here at dawn, y’hear?

Paper Girls, Issue #1

Smoking is what the bad kids do.

And they split up! A bit apprehensive, Erin tags along with Mac. Smashed pumpkins and creeps in dark clothes dot the neighborhood. Billy Corgan? Can’t rule him out!

Mac has every house on Poplar St., except for the old man in 1833. The fucker won’t pay, so she skips his house every morning. Who cares if he’s still in the subscription book. “Our routes, our rules. I’m sick of shaking down deadbeats. Either pay us on time, or get your stupid sports page somewhere else.”

Erin is in awe of this bold tomboy’s give-no-fucks attitude. “Cool,” she smiles. This Mac kid, breaking the sex barrier and all that with childhood paper delivery. Wow.

“Like it matters. We’re a dying breed anyway,” Mac claims, pulling out another cigarette. Her dad has a feeling that newspapers are on their way out. All the trees are almost dead, everyone’s just gonna get their news from TV. Maybe even the Internet! But they don’t know that yet. Our little secret.

A fucking cop shows up on the street and starts blaring his lights at them. “Coyle! What the hell are you up to?” this fucking cop asks, addressing Mac. “My job?” she replies, unfettered.

This fucking cop says he’s heard multiple reports of vandalism. Window smashing. Would Mac happen to know anything about that? She takes a puff and tells this fucking cop to go screw.

“You address me as officer, young lady. And put out that cigarette before I write you up.”

Erin jumps in and tells this fucking cop that Mac has been with her all night. She can vouch for her. No window smashing at all from us! Just paper-deliverin’. We cool.

This fucking cop gives up, shoots Mac a toothless warning, and gets back in his fucking cop car.

After Erin asks Mac what cigarettes taste like, the walkie-talkie goes off. Tiff and KJ are in trouble on the corner of Locust and Ash! Let’s boogie!

Tiffany and KJ got jumped by three spooky boys in spooky ghost costumes! Tiffany fell off her bike and skinned her knee pretty badly. KJ is fine. But they made off with one of Tiffany’s expensive fancy-pants walkie-talkies. Tiffany cries, laments the loss of her walkie, the one she had to use almost all of last Christmas’ tips to afford! Waaahhh!!

KJ says these freaks were speaking Spanish or something, but Tiffany’s three years of Spanish class proves that it wasn’t Spanish at all. Erin suggests calling the cops. “The same cops who think I’m a criminal?” asks Mac incredulously. Fat chance. Fucking Stony PD pigs. *spit*

Mac warns through the walkie that whoever stole from her friend is dead meat. Look out, nerds


Paper Girls, Issue #1

Don’t fuck with the Babysitter’s Club.

The girls bike up and down the desolate streets looking for the culprits. Eventually, they come across a new construction home with a window half-open.

“We’re not really going to fight these guys, are we?” asks a very apprehensive Erin.
“If Tiff’s stuff is broken, we’re gonna murder them,” responds a very fiesty Mac.

They all climb through the window and recoil from the odor pervading the house. “Smells like month-old barf in here,” says Tiffany. Erin hears the kind of similar hum you’d hear from a muted TV. Perhaps it’s a muted TV! Sounds like the hum is coming from the basement. Shit, basements are scary.

So the girls go downstairs, because why not? There they find a very large oblong
thing
draped in a black sheet. While attempting to pull the sheet off, KJ observes that it feels “kinda like skin”. Oh hell no, son! Fuck that. Tiffany is out of here.

Paper Girls, Issue #1

It’s been real, you guys. Nice doing paper routes with you and everything. Hopefully Dukakis wins the election in a week!

Erin observes that it’s neither skin nor a sheet. It seems like a parachute. She uncovers the object and it looks like the orbiter of a space shuttle. The front compartment capsule part. The part that would have a parachute attached. Erin likes space, she dreams about dead astronauts! And since USA uses shuttles these days, perhaps this is from some other country. Like Russia?

Tiff wonders if it’s part of an alien spacecraft ooooooohOHOHOHO spooky!

KJ looks annoyed. “This is the fiftieth anniversary of the War of the Worlds,” she explains to the rest of her dumb friends who clearly don’t read the paper like she does. That one night where Orville Welles read the story on the radio and caused mass panic all over the country. Obviously, someone is trying to scare them. Obviously, someone is trying to bait girls who work for the newspaper into telling some publishers to run a story about aliens. Nothing to see here, show’s over and whatnot!

The hum gets louder. And then there’s a bright flash of X-Ray radiation that makes the skeletons of the four girls visible for a brief moment. Tiff’s flashlight is dead.

“RUN,” she declares. Then they all run, thinking the thing’s gonna go off like a bomb.

Now the speculation starts. Is it a Martian nuclear weapon? Why would Mars want to blow up a basement in Cleveland, Ohio?? And it looks like the power is out all over the neighborhood? This thing just sucked the light out of everything?

The four of them stare up at the star-filled sky. Erin comments that the stars look way too bright to be normal. Even when she’s camping in the boonies these constellations aren’t this visible.

Tiff draws the rest of the girls’ attention to the three figures skulking away across the street. “Guys. It’s them.”

Paper Girls, Issue #1

Get those Ovaltine decoder rings out, ladies!

And yeah, they’re speaking another language all right, but it ain’t local. KJ catches up with one of them, but she gets a knuckle sandwich to the grill! Bam! How’d that taste??

Mac is pissed. “Son of a bitch! Hit a girl?! Gonna rip your eyes out of your
” yeesh, then she tears the facial covering off this guy and he looks


Well, it’s not normal.

This dude, with his crazy triangle pupils and the weird robotic connections on his face, he starts strangling Mac with his hands while yelling the gibberish. He gets thunked on the head by Tiff, who now has the hockey stick that KJ’s been carrying around.

That hum starts up again, which scares the dang bejesus out of these creeps. They run into the woods. Mac is puking off to the side. Things are still very unclear.

But one of the dudes dropped something! It looks like a compact with a logo on it.

An Apple logo.

Final Thoughts

THAT’S IT?! Don’t leave me hanging like this! What’s going on?

Shit, I guess I gotta keep reading.

The final few pages of the comic show full-page spreads of the four main characters, and Mac is wearing a Wax Trax! Records shirt. That is fucking baller, dude.


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Sucky Funnies for May 29, 2022

Memorial Day Weekend is here, and I’m going to celebrate by subjecting my eyeballs to some more newspaper trash from the toilet.

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man - May 29, 2022

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From the very little I’ve actually read and/or paid attention to from the newspaper comics flavor of Spider-Man, it’s not funny at all! Spider-Man is supposed to be funny, and in the one medium where he should be funny, he ain’t funny. And anything that actually is funny is completely by accident.

Take this particular strip, for example. It’s hilarious!
“NO human being is a friend of THE LIZARD”
“I’ve got to become– THE HULK!“

It’s a good thing Bruce Banner is already shirtless! That’s half of the transformation right there.

agent222: “Guess what Bruce? Your Gamma irradiated genes have been diluted by that transfusion from Spidey. Hulk time, will have to wait.”
Judith Stocker: “I love it when these super characters go after each other. Lots of great artwork.”
David Rickard: “Such as incompetence, easy unconsciousness, “spider sense” that fails as the plot demands (see the antepenultimate panel)…?”

Thanks for commentary you insufferable fucking nerds.

Take It from the Tinkersons

Take It from the Tinkersons - May 29, 2022

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I’m not willing to take anything from the Tinkersons, but if I must, I suppose it’s going to have to be topical humor from 2014. Did Tinkerson strip mastermind Bill Bettwy find a selfie stick at his 26-year-old granddaughter’s garage sale and laughed at the kids-these-days absurdity?

I’m assuming this is Ted’s overweight boss, who has either a really stupid hat or an alarming hair situation. Perhaps if he had glasses he’d be able to see himself in the mirror in the morning! Har har. Perhaps the funniest thing about this strip is that Ted shows an expression of intimidated confusion and then actually has a selfie stick on him in the office. A multifaceted punchline. That’s called art, my friends.

Chrysi Cat: “I’m increasingly having to take my glasses off to deal with the phone because the typeface is too small at arm’s length, but I can’t focus on close objects with them on if I’m tired enough (and the myopia/presbyopia combo pretty much sets a spot about 6 to 8 inches ahead of my eyes that’s clear for one eye at a time, though not binocular vision, with glasses off).”

Thank you, Chrysi Cat. This is the only comment posted and it does the work of four weird boomer-ranty who-gives-a-shit comments for the price of only one!

Pluggers

Pluggers - May 29, 2022

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Fuckin’ Pluggers. Real salt of the earth kind of people. A bunch of plaid-wearing hicks from Big Mud Possum Scruff, Arkansas who hump their trucks and don’t own anything in their homes more technologically advanced than a toaster.

The only thing worse than a Pluggers strip is a person who contributes to a Pluggers strip. Doug Stevers sat his 400-pound butt in his chair and handwrote a letter to Pluggers Inc. to vent about the audacity of vehicle efficiency, cleanliness, and environmental consciousness. He probably writes to Crankshaft too.

jpgrego: “Not funny
”
Diamond Lil: “A real plugger would remedy that situation”
Teto85: “In most states he would be pulled over for gross pollution and the vehicle impounded on the spot.”

So yeah, most comments are either admonishing this Plugger for not keeping his truck maintained, sharing their own boring stories about some piece of shit they owned in 1974, piping in with their vast knowledge of car failure troubleshooting tips, or, the rarest comment, berating this Plugger for contributing to killing the environment. No one has anything to say about the “humor” of the strip. Because there isn’t any!


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